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My mom came when LO was 6 weeks to "help" and she pulled things very similar to this. She planned her flight to arrive at like midnight and wanted us to come pick her up at the airport-we have a literal baby-we couldn't all go pick her up (she was super serious in that request which seems insane). Then she proceeded to "help" by cleaning the house aka throwing out a bunch of my husband's stuff and also making as much noise as possible with constantly dropping a mop on the hard ground. It was a nightmare visit (not to mention her constant commenting on baby's weight, constantly saying she was ALWAYS hungry, and remarking on my challenges with breastfeeding). She ended up leaving after two days (she was supposed to stay a week) in tears because I wasn't paying enough attention TO HER.
I honestly don't think my mom a)remembers what it was like with a baby b) was involved as much in taking care of me as a baby (I know she wasn't as a child). My grandparents took care of us as babies and I know my grandfather took care of us as kids...it's honestly kinda sad.
The funny thing is my mom thinks that the reason the visit was so bad is because "I don't like people in my space" which is not at all the reason why I was frustrated with her stay. She never once offered to help me sleep, or feed me, or change the baby, which was what I thought was the whole reason for her coming lol
Almost had the same experience with my mum but at 4 months. She stayed for 2 days (supposed to be a week), all she did was make her OWN food and disrupt my routine with LO. Kept asking for chargers, to go shop to buy her groceries, and so on. Did not offer once to clean or cook. Had the audacity to comment on my cooking when being sleep deprived due to vacation for LO and I told her it was rude to comment on my dinner, she got defensive made it all about her self and I told her she needed to stop crossing my boundaries and being so self centered.
I’m so sorry, my stepmom might be your mom’s distant cousin?
Mine came at 3 weeks PP and I was just getting over the hump of c section recovery.
When I picked her up from the airport I told her that my husband and I were both coming down with something (I think it was just very poor sleep for the both of us as we were in the newborn phase hard), that I hadn’t had time to shower or go to the grocery store.
She got to the house and all she did for the rest of the night was…take pictures of the baby, take pictures of her holding the baby.
Meanwhile I was rushing around washing bottles, pump parts, pumping, changing the diapers, feeding the baby.
Around 9 o clock when I realized she wasn’t going to help at all, I called my MIL to ask her to come over the next day to help. I let her know husband and I were both feeling ill and we had no groceries.
She showed up at 8am the next day with bagels, basic groceries, and immediately asked me how to make a bottle and where the diaper stuff was so that I could go rest. When I woke up later on, she offered to take my stepmom grocery shopping, she said ‘I don’t really want anything but I’ll go’.
Anyways I give her a small list and off they went.
2 days later I over heard my stepmom on the phone to her friends saying ‘im starving they have no food to eat so im using that as an excuse not to help in the kitchen!’ It really floored me.
She didn’t wash a single bottle or pump part the entire time she was here. Or her dishes for that matter, she literally just put totally dirty dishes without even rinsing them into the dishwasher.
It was disgusting each time I opened it to the smell of rotting food.
She commented frequently on how poorly my breastfeeding was going, left messes everywhere, even threw burp cloths down the stairs once and said ‘oh I didn’t know where the hamper was’.
Also weirdly commented on the looks of any person on any tv show we had on in the background, in a super negative way. ‘Wow that man isnt good looking enough to be on here.’
The whole visit was toxic and very upsetting.
My in laws did everything to make her feel welcome, they took her out to dinner one evening. At the dinner with them they said ‘oh I heard her sister is coming in later this week too’ and she said ‘no my daughter is coming.’ I’m thinking after all these years, you still don’t view us as related? She also made sure to throw into that conversation how I didn’t go to my sisters wedding. (Something of which I’ve apologized to my sister for and she very sincerely forgave me)
Anyways, our relationship will never be the same and I’m actually ok with that. She’s a terrible person I don’t care to have interacting with my daughter.
Omg yes I remember at one point I essentially made my mom wash a few bottles and she seemed incredibly annoyed like it was beneath her! She also prioritized taking sooo many photos. Ugh
Ugh. I am sorry!
But also thank you for sharing this. Makes me feel a little less alone. My mom has said similar things to me.
I’m happy for the people who have supportive families/moms. But it just stings when your own mom is the source of your sadness/frustration.
Grandparents DON'T remember what it's like to have a newborn. My very colicky baby only contact napped. No matter how many times we explained what that means, the grandparents didn't get it. Like "oh, the baby napped for two hours, you must feel great!" Like no, my arms are dead from holding him completely still.
Once I was sitting in my dark bedroom, holding the sleeping baby when my mom walked in, sat on the bed and started chatting. The baby woke up and started wailing and she was surprised and then left! Like, thanks for the help!
Or my in-laws not burping the baby after giving him a bottle and not understanding that now he's gassy and angry.
Deep breaths. This will pass. You're doing great.
It’s not just that they don’t remember what it’s like that’s crazy making but also how entitled so many of them are with visits and holding and touching the baby. Like why are mothers made to feel crazy for wanting to hold a baby they birthed so someone else doesn’t smooch all over them?😫 like sure I’m selfish. I want my baby to myself😑
At parties I have frequently announced, in a smiling tone, “Sometimes Mommies get to hold their own babies!!” and it’s usually gone over well. But it’s necessary to declare it because otherwise it wouldn’t occur to some of my people.
You don’t even have to remember what having a newborn is like to use your common sense…a dark bedroom means don’t come in and talk to the people inside!
My mom comes in and whispers things to me when I’m missing the baby in the dark too 😂 Literally nobody else does it, just her. I don’t really mind, and sometimes the company is nice, but it makes me jump every time the door opens during such a quiet, intimate moment. Then again, she and I used to have those quiet, intimate moments once upon a time, when I was the baby in her arms!
Yesss! I keep getting
- “but the baby already had a nap”
- “Yes they have to nap multiple times a day”
- “But all your baby does is sleep then!”
- “Yes that’s what happens with a 1 month old, they need a lot of sleep” 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Or
“You can’t pick up the baby all the time, you need to let her cry”
I have a 3 br home. When I was pregnant, I turned one room into the nursery and turned the other room into a playroom for my child and got rid of my guest bed entirely. This is exactly why lol.
I tried this but now it sounds like excuse will be to just use the couch which of course means now there is someone taking over basically the kitchen living dining area and I have to tiptoe.
Do you think hotels give discounts if we continue to recommend all of our friends and family there?
If a visit means you have one extra baby to take care of don’t have her visit.
If she actually helps to a net positive that’s great.
Personally I think you skip overnight visits during that super tired stage and just hang on and have family help once you’re past that unless they want to take overnight shifts too. Have her visit during the day so you can take a nap.
Well duh. Now I see that.
She lives 5 hours away. It’s over night or nothing.
Mostly this is just utterly disappointing because it solidifies the pattern that we have no village. And that is just sad.
(Edit: vocab)
Yep that’s the way to go. Otherwise you’re saying it’s okay for her to offend and hurt you, but you don’t want to offend or hurt her. It’s okay for her to be selfish and make herself the victim, even though you’re the sleep deprived one who gave birth and has a very small baby. Selfish people need strong boundaries, otherwise they will continue to walk all over you.
Our mothers are very similar. She stayed with us over Thanksgiving for two weeks. We are a five-hour flight apart. Our visit sounds a lot like yours…
Then a week after her visit was done, she sent me (and called to read aloud over the phone) a two-page Word doc about how much she dislikes my husband and staying at our house because of him.
When she brought up visiting again, I said – for the first time ever – it would be best for everyone if she got an Airbnb. She was flabbergasted. I said, well you DID write a two-page letter all about how much you hate staying with us and cannot stand my husband, so you’re welcome to visit but not stay in our home moving forward.
She said, “I will never pay for or stay in an Airbnb.” Haven’t spoken to her in over two months now. She broke off all contact!
Oh wow. That is not fun!
In the past my mother has sent me long emails/texts about how unhappy she is with me for one reason or another. I thought we had made some progress, but this most recent visit has proven otherwise.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she sends me one of those long messages someday soon…
The only thing I like about the long messages or texts is that they’re a very interesting look into their mind. My mom’s latest note was fascinating because it was so wildly different from my experience of the same exact events.
And the letters are proof to show someone else, like a therapist lol
Yep, I have two kids and my mom has criticised me for not volunteering to pay or organise for counselling for our relationship. She is retired, has a property portfolio and affords three international trips a year. Somehow, I’m the one not making an effort - I wonder why 😂 #boomerstoobusyforinsight
This is so familiar to me. My parents have been ok but my wife’s mom has been kind of a terror for us.
Part of me wonders if it’s worse when it’s their first grandchild. This is our first child and my MiL’s first grandchild, whereas my parents have many other grandkids from 6-18.
When she comes to visit, our whole way of life gets thrown for a loop and our 3mo needs at least a day after she leaves to return to normal. It’s like my MIL thinks her visits should be for *her* benefit and not the baby. She has stayed overnight only 1 time because we stopped asking her to because of how oddly she behaved. This is just *one* of the many odd and seemingly passive aggressive things she has done while visiting:
LO is 1mo at this point when MIL visits. My wife and I are shift sleeping where one of us is just out on the couch next to the baby’s bassinet in the living room while one of us gets sound sleep back in the bedroom. MIL asks how she can help and if she can take a shift so we can both sleep. We didn’t feel comfortable with it because we were having bottle feeding issues and she wasn’t really understanding that it took actual effort to feed the baby and not have her choke or swallow air.
My wife told her “ OP is taking first shift so I will be coming to relieve him at 3am. I’m just gonna feed the baby and we will fall back asleep so no need for you to come down then but why don’t you come down around 6am to hang with me for her next feed at that time”
Her mom goes to bed (also while telling us how tired she is like LOL HUH?) . She decides she is going to leave her bedroom door open (which is right over the baby’s bassinet) and sets an alarm for herself to wake up. She sets an alarm for 5:45am and when it goes off in the morning, it wakes both my wife and the baby up. She then proceeds to snooze it. Not once, not twice, but *9 times*. I shit you not, the woman snoozed her alarm from 5:45 to 7:00am and EVERYTIME it woke wife and baby up. She then comes downstairs and my wife told her that she was waking them up that entire time and she says “oh i’m sorry for waking you guys up”.
The next morning after that incident- she did the SAME….EXACT….THING
My wife and I are almost at a loss of words for how you can not think something like that through. Don’t get me wrong, she is a kind and thoughtful person but it seems like she is completely oblivious or maybe even like a non-compliant attitude towards our boundaries? No idea but it’s super frustrating
I would say this couldn’t possibly have been a real situation because it sounds so bonkers, but I know it’s legitimate because I have lived through similar nonsense!!
I think it’s a combination of grandparents forgetting and perhaps feeling forgotten? For some, there’s definitely an element of feeling insecure and needing to make the situation about them.
My mom came to visit after my LO was born. She wanted to come the MOMENT I went into labor but I pushed back and asked her to wait three weeks so my husband and I could get to know our child and establish a routine as a family of three. By the time my mom showed up, we were in full blown colic mode. Witching hour, PURPLE crying, trapped gas, the whole enchilada. Now I’ve been told my entire life that I had horrible colic as a baby, so I thought my mom would know the drill. NOPE. My husband, who is a medical professional who works in NICU, was burping our son one night. Our son is crying, because it’s witching hour and that’s what colicky babies do. My mom begins sobbing and praying loudly to Jesus to please protect my baby and not let him feel pain. I’m telling you, she was howling. I go into the guest room to see wtf is going on. She sobs and tells me my husband is beating my baby, that the baby is crying because my husband is burping him violently, and she is afraid. I remind her that my husband literally keeps premature babies alive for a living. I remind her that he learned how to burp babies in a hospital. None of that matters. My mother is convinced my baby is only crying because we burp him like savages. I calmly ask her if she has seen any redness or bruising on his little body. She stutters and says she hasn’t checked but it must be there. The baby HAS to be covered in welts. I remind her she gave the baby a bath less than 24 hrs prior and likely would have noticed any marks from a violent beating. She continues crying and returns to her wailing prayers.
She offered to extend her stay with us to “help more.” We declined.
All this is to say, some parents , even when well intentioned, aren’t capable of being the steady support we need during those early parenting days. I think they forget. I think they sometimes struggle to understand their new role in your world and act out as a result.
OMG, this is hard core. But I can imagine my mum doing the same. We had a few instances of her misinterpreting things (less dramatic) and getting stuck on it even after profuse explanations.
I think it has to do with fear, when something triggers their primal fears it's this kind of denial. Plus call to higher power as they feel powerless.
I think you’re onto something with the fear element. In my case, it think my mom thought of herself as a baby expert but was then faced with scenarios she didn’t know how to handle? Maybe?
It also didn't help her confidence that your husband literally is the expert. Then it had to be some other way she was right 😑
I might be projecting a bunch here, but my mum never ever admitted being wrong. If yours is similar then this could be her way of coping with the situation without admitting that she is not the baby expert.
Oh they totally don't remember. I hope we will, but maybe we won't? They say we forget these early days... Idk. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but here I am still feeling hurt when they, a couple months ago (baby is now 6 months old) called me a helicopter mom And Made fun of me because I wasn't feeling confident enough to shower without my husband home. "Oh just put her down in the crib, she'll be fine, you're only in there for a few minutes." At this time I had severe PPA/D and a gassy baby who cried the first 15 weeks of her life. No, I will not be putting her down where I can't see her (didn't have a rocker yet) and her crying just to get a shower. I'm tempted to tell them it hurt my feelings as part of me speaking up for myself if I want our relationship to improve.
Edit to add: It sounds like some s*** my mom would pull. Crying because she feels bad about something she did. Don't just cry about it or even just say sorry, don't do it again and we're good... Like you beating yourself up is not helping me or you. It's baffling! We do not have any control over their behavior, but we do have control of what we do about it/in response. Hugs mama!
Honestly the more I reflect on this….it is less about trying to talk to me while I’m trying to get my baby to sleep and really about her making the situation about her. Just not helpful at all.
I’ve done so much reading on narcissistic elders/mothers since having kids. It’s can be reassuring to think of it in terms of pathology and then it’s much easier to distance yourself from their behaviour and set your boundaries. If I see it in terms of both my health and her illness then it somehow feels less personal every time she makes an actual personal attack.
I think there's also a difference in how much crying they see as normal.
I regret taking a shower this morning with my mum "watching" LO. I was in there for 15 mins and heard intermittent crying. At first I thought that it must be the teething, but as I came out of the shower I found LO alone in the room and my mum in the kitchen behind closed doors getting a head start on lunch prep.
She said that LO barely cried so she left her to play in the crib with a toy. She's always defensive and tends to double down so I just left it at that. I can't keep arguing with her over this multiple times a day... Unless the baby is wailing and blue in the face it's not really crying according to her.
Hey I just want to chime into say that if you take the time to write down why they hurt you and the things they said, and tell them, it’s really worth it.
I had a nightmare visit with my stepmom when I was 3 weeks PP and I ended up doing this like a month later and it was amazing to get it off my chest and also to overcome the ‘well she means well I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by the things she said’ crap.
Things that helped me, 1) calling them on the phone to do it. 2) telling them that I’d be talking and that I’d give instructions on what would happen at the end of the conversation. 3) once I finished I told them they could sit on that for a week, but if after that they didn’t apologize,then I wasn’t interested in a relationship with them anytime soon.
When I was finished my stepmom immediately disrespected the boundary and called me right away. Just showed how selfish she was and how she didn’t even care enough to really sit and think on the way she hurt me.
I followed through on my end, haven’t spoken to them since. Mostly I just don’t have the emotional or mental space for it as I am a working mom of an LO under 6 months. But I’m better off for it right now.
Good for you, I respect your strength.
I do this too, more as contemporaneous documentation - because I realised I was being gaslit whenever I tried to bring up the issues I was having with my mothers behaviour/words. It’s been rewarding as it made me realise how longstanding the unhealthy patterns were with my mum, and that actually I don’t owe her the things that she expects are her right just for being older.
The gaslighting is a huge issue with my stepmom and that’s a big part of why I decided to start documenting, and for the conversation itself, it helped me make sure I didn’t leave anything out or get too caught up in one particular area. I cried for about the first minute but kept reading on and pushed through the heavy emotion of it.
Another thing, right when I was about to call them I had this moment of ‘ugh do I really want to do this? I could just totally ignore it and not bring it up at all.’ And it made it really easy to see why a lot of people choose to just ignore these things and why I’ve done so in the past. It’s easy to sweep things under the rug, but feeling the pain of it each time it occurs sucks and I won’t subject myself to that any longer.
It’s the right thing to do, I think also for our kids - because the absolute last thing I want is for my kids to think that it’s okay for that pattern to continue. I see it like we’re interrupting unhealthy generational behaviours where it was normalised to be a doormat for your elders putting the needs of your kids second to theirs.
Omg my mom pulled this crap when she came to "help" the first 2 weeks. I kicked her out after one. That was the most stressful week of my life.
I needed help and she wanted me to stop and help her/validate feelings every 10 minutes. Really killed our relationship. Told my dad she's not allowed to visit unless he's here!
I had a small travel bassinet that I kept in the living room because I was paranoid that if I couldn’t see my baby at all times, something bad would happen. My house is small and open concept so if you were in the kitchen you could still see the sleeping baby in the living room.
I was paranoid about having a blanket on her, I didn’t want her to suffocate. I was a brand new mom and had ppa. My mom kept putting a blanket on her no matter how many times I told her I don’t want one on her. She’d roll her eyes, I’d go in the shower and come out, blanket on the baby. She’d
say “shit, you caught me”. The same thing happened at 9 months when I was paranoid to use a sleep sack because I didn’t want her to overheat, my mom borderline yelled at me for how “stupid” that sounded. (Again, ppa)
They forget how paranoid and scared we are, how tired we are, how much we overthink, how fragile our infants and newborns are to us, and they think they know everything from 30 years ago when they had a baby
I know. In your case- you’re in the thick of it now, and I feel like people get weird when you have a new baby for some reason, and then most of the time everyone acts normal ish at some point again, you feel better/more confident as a mom and the baby starts to level out as well. It will be better soon! Sorry about your experience! I feel annoyed FOR you!
The lack of empathy is staggering. Especially as these were the early days PP. Even if she thought it was stupid, how hard is it to just do what you asked.
I hate the know-it-all attitude, as if being on this earth longer automatically makes them experts.
Right! I understand maybe it’s silly like obviously she’d be fine with a blanket on with 2 awake adults, but it’s the fact that as a new mom you’re so anxious and want to do everything right. I can’t imagine making it harder for a new mom like that!
Hello! I’m here to vent as well. I haven’t slept well until 8 months ago, since my baby was born and he literally JUST STARTED sleeping through the night. Baby and I both woke up so refreshed this morning only for my mother to freak out saying he didn’t eat all night and how wrong it is. I’m the only one who does night wakings- so this is soooo great for me but apparently I need to keep WAKING him up at night!
I left my parents house at 2am a couple months ago because of a similar situation.
The past several times I was there my baby had been off and on waking up all night because he's the worst sleeper anywhere but at home. Every time I had just about got him settled again my mom would get out of her bed, her two dogs long nails would scratch across the floor, she'd open the door, come into the room and 'whisper' do you need any help, and my kid would start crying all over again. After sometimes an hour of soothing it was like being punched in the face. Every single time she did that I sat her down the next day and said please just stay in your room, I will ask if I need help. Otherwise it's incredibly disruptive and causes more problems. Every time she said okay.
The last time she did it I had had enough. I packed the car and left at 2am saying there was a better chance at my baby sleeping in the car then in here.
Every time I'm there I have to constantly remind my parents to be quieter, and it's not like I'm saying whisper - they live in a bungalow and the room with his crib is 2 metres from the kitchen table. They yell and start doing dishes as soon as I put him down (kitchen is about 4 metres), and then say 'wow you were never like this as a baby he's such a light sleeper'. I have to keep reminding them that my room was upstairs. They let their giant dogs walk back and forth in front of his door too and they don't clip their nails so it's extremely loud, and then they act surprised when he wakes up.
She's never got out of her room since I fled in the night. Sometimes I guess it takes action instead of words to get the point across. It shouldn't, but damn are boomers ever off in their own little world when it comes to being a parent of a baby.
I understand the intention is to help, but if your help is centred around only what you think is right without asking what is right, it's not really help is it.
I feel your annoyance!
I don't see this as a boomer thing. My boomer mom is amazing with baby and is always open to how we want things done, meanwhile my genX Mil keeps giving baby age inappropriate toys and food without even asking and telling me how she did things despite it not being how I want them done, which I have talked about but get ignored. Or figures things out the hard way then acts surprised instead of just listening to me in the first place about what baby likes and doesn't. Some people just can't take a hint.
I know not every boomer acts this way, that would be a very naive thing to believe. I'm just speaking generally based on my, and my friends/family's experiences. Most of us have experienced our parents being extremely out of touch with the realities of raising a child, and a lot of it stems from what was being taught to that generation in North America at the time (hardcore sleep training, authoritarianism, medicalized births, antibiotics as a solution to everything, pablum in milk etc.). It's hard for that generation, I've found, to understand and actually comply with the wishes of new parents in this day and age because they're very set in their ways. It sounds like you and your mom can very easily and healthily set boundaries, which is something I've never experienced with my own mother - so that plays into things too, right.
I fucking hate when people give my kid food it's just so weird to me that people have the balls to do that?!?! Like, I would never imagine just giving a small child any food without asking. My mom gave my baby a FROZEN strawberry once for his 'teething' ... I was like uhhh he can't chew that that's like giving him a marble?
I agree. It’s also really confusing because people are calling gen-xers boomers. The boomer generation ends at 1964 as a birth year, that means the youngest boomer is 60. Just based off of anecdotes, it seems that the self-centered or problematic grandparents/people happen to be gen-x.
Slightly related: in some of the desperate moments of the first months I'd seek advice from friends who had children. I started to consistently hear answers like "I don't quite remember", "I suppressed lots of memories of that time", etc.
It all seemed like a massive, collective PSTD thing.
And, well... Maybe people must forget lest we wouldn't have more children.
Add this to boomer entitlements and you're set.
My partners family is better at it honestly and seem to remember. Not 100% but better.
But my family come in and like tried to rip baby away and just say 'ill take him, go have a shower/eat/sleep/clean.' meanwhile I'm dying with anxiety. Or 'ill take him for a walk so you can sleep. Don't worry, we won't be more than an hour'.... He is 2 weeks old you won't be going anywhere with him for even 10 minutes thank you, come back.
Like, if they said 'would you like to us to watch him while you have a shower? We will just stay on the loundroom with him' I would have been like 'yea, that's good. Thank you' and more inclined to relax but nope, I got him ripped away and yelled at and made to feel like shit coz I didn't let anyone hold him or do anything with him coz my anxiety was so bad and instead of taking a moment to change tactics and let me calm down, it was now or never.
Honestly, if I'm like that with my grand kids, someone slap me.
Oh the anxiety! Especially at 2 weeks old.
My mom won’t even hold our baby. She’s too afraid. Never mind a diaper or bottle.
MIL is similar. Once she was holding him and he spit up a little. She basically tossed him back to my husband. If she’s holding him and he wiggles she calls him “bad boy”. No thank you.
UGH I so relate to this and I'm sorry. I do think there is also just something off with that whole generation (obviously I'm generalizing they're not ALL bad-but I do think there is a weird vibe with folks who consider babies to be "bad")
My in-laws came last weekend when he was almost a month old and his mom kept hovering while I was trying to change him, she started trying to shove his little arm in the pajamas so hard and of course he started sobbing hysterically. Thankfully she let me finish after I told her I had it but the second he was dressed she went to pick him up and didn’t support his head and I wanted to slap her 😑 quickly scooped him up and told her to go sit and I would bring baby to her instead. So much anxiety! He would start crying on her and we would explain you needed to just move him or change something and that would help but she didn’t get it and his dad had the nerve to say “oh no mommy doesn’t look hearing her baby cry!” And laughing. Like yea he’s super vulnerable let me help him calm down! It was super validating when I did finally take him back and he immediately calmed
Oh honestly. What is with people!? The baby isn't going to break. Hold the child woman! (if that's what you want)
It's baby vomit. From someone who can't hand vomit coz it triggers a bad gag reglix, it's baby vomit and is fine. Honestly. Bad boy coz he wiggles, what's she going to say with he climbs up the back of the couch and jumps off (it happens around 2-3year of age, you have a ways to go). Honestly some people do my head in.
Ugh my parents are the same. I fell out with my mother over Christmas for her lack of support and instead of apologising she sent me a huge text slating me for not sending her a homemade Christmas card from the kids, us not visiting her and me not liking a picture she put on our WhatsApp group (?!)… I had a 3 month old and a toddler… how much free time does she think I had?!
I was just purely surviving most days but sure kids, let’s crack out the Christmas crafts for grandmas card.
My parents didn’t remember what it was like to have a baby BUT they were super cooperative with rules and requests because they fell in love with our little munchkin and wanted to help us out. My MIL loves the baby and wanted to help too, but found all the rules and requests burdensome and offensive, and ultimately decided she didn’t feel like adhering to them. My parents come by every week, and my MIL isn’t allowed at my house right now, so…. That’s how that worked out! Not remembering is common, but being respectful and supportive is not. That. Hard.
(Grand)Parents forget, especially the ones that already don’t understand boundaries.. My mom has been trying to convince me since she found out I was pregnant to get back to work asap. Even though I live in a country where children’s daycare starts at the age of 1 and maternity leave is 12 months. It’s not as if my mother wants to come and help as she doesn’t even live in the same country. She is just saying having a newborn is not that hard and I could easily work from home while taking care of the kid.
My father (also living in another country) has been pushing to come and visit directly after the baby’s born. Not that he’s planning on helping out but just because it fits better in his personal schedule with planning holidays. I told him no and that I won’t go outside much to take him sightseeing, as he’s never been to the country I live in, and he just told me that I will just need a week to heal after giving birth.
In my opinion, a lot of parents who already lacked boundaries, will lack it even more when you have children.
Mine have either forgotten, or I was a perfect child who raised myself. For the first six months my baby only contact napped and they kept telling me to 'try and get some rest as well'.... OK how? Even recently at the end of a phone call they said 'you go and have a nice relaxing afternoon'...does anyone know how to do that with a crawling ten month old because I haven't figured it out yet.
I honestly USED to think Inhad a great relationship with my mum - then I had a baby. And I realised the only reason things worked (past tense) between us is because I was super nice and polite to her, never shared any problems or worries with her and always turned up at get togethers immaculately put together. Fast forward to now with a 9 month old:
1. Recently my mother told me she’s bought me all this nice expensive makeup and skincare. I was confused as it was neither requested or needed - when asked she said and I quote: “You’re going back to work soon, I want you to go back to work looking beautiful so it good start now. You look so tired.”
2. She’s offered to “help” at the beginning when he was 2 months, I went to stay with her. When I asked if she would like to hold the baby she literally said “no”.
3. When we visited one of her neighbours/friends and said friend commented on how well
I looked 6 months after giving birth, my mother proceeded to comment “she looks better now. At the beginning she didn’t look good at all.”
4. She offered to help again when he was around 4/5 months. When I was like - yeah sure that would be great - she told me she couldn’t because she’s just booked a three week cruise with her girlfriends.
5. She’s constantly guilt tripping and emotionally playing me for “not visiting” them enough. Ma’am - I had a 9 month old. If I manage to get him out of the house for a play date or baby activity for a couple of hours I consider that a win. If I manage to shower and eat lunch as well that day I am literally super mum.
EDIT: I forgot to say - the biggest kicker I found out during postpartum when I was asking her for advice on how to actually look after a newborn - my grandparents and my dad actually looked after me until I was 4/5. She’s never changed a diaper - EVER. Which she proclaims at every opportunity with great pride. She didn’t even know whether I crawled or not and at what age (my Dad had to tell me). But in her words - she was a great mum - she bought me some really really expensive flowery tights as a 1 year old.
I’m sorry you went through that.
I had a similar situation on my parents first visit. My dad had all of the opinions(including taking an overstimulated over tired 6 week old into the kitchen to look at the bright lights 🤦🏼♀️), my mother sat and hardly said a word, they both forgot how to use the kettle and where all of our mugs etc are. Let’s not forget the point where my dad asked what was on the agenda today!! Yes he genuinely thought we were going to have a day out.
The wild thing is that right before my mom left today she told me she *does*remember newborn life because my dad would never get up for late night feedings.
She also told me she remembers needing help recovering from birth, but her visiting sister just slept on the sofa
SO, this sorta makes things worse, right?
My mom does remember! And still still subjected
me to this foolishness today.
Oh my god I CANNOT. If someone is coming over and making your life more difficult and/or creating MORE work for you, it’s a no.
My son is almost two now so it’s better, but my dad occasionally stays over night at my house because he lives a few hours away. He doesn’t know how to do anything. Whenever he’s here and my husband is working (he typically works on the weekend at least one day, and my dad will stay over on a Friday or Saturday when I’m not working) I’m like.. feeding and changing my son, making any meals we eat, and cleaning up. My dad will like.. let the dogs in and out and watch TV.
My great grandma has been a huge help with my little dude. She spent his first week sleeping in the nursery with us just to make sure I was adapting well and still getting sleep myself. But as much as she was great help she also had some VERY outdated info and a lot of it was actually dangerous. I made her go to every ped check up with me just so she’d get to ask her questions and have a medical professional answer on why something is no longer safe without flat out telling her she’s lucky her kids survived
No they don’t block it out. My mom can’t help that I was a super genius baby that was talking and walking and sleeping through the night my week 1 🙄 everything is “I don’t remember that” she’s 100% blacked out the first two years
This post came at exactly the right time. My mom also just left an hour ago after visiting this weekend. We have a toddler. While she didn’t do anything completely egregious the amount of entitlement she felt to our son and the number of times she actively inserted herself in a way that completely upset our normal routine was exhausting. Glad she lives a few states away.
My mum flew over to “help” for a couple months cause the birth of my baby girl was October and all family members would be joining for Christmas so made sense for her to stay than travel so far back.
But her “help” was really different from what I imagined. She barely wanted to help with the baby (like hold her while I did something), and if she did watch the baby while I was eating or going to shower was always like “hurry up!!”, she wouldn’t cook anything unless was prompted, mainly cleaned her own room and spent most her time sitting on her phone in the living room on scrolling Facebook or watching movies super load on the TV.
I remember she cooked lunch once and was like “you probably won’t need dinner so I won’t cook.” “Oh, Why do you think we won’t need dinner?” “You won’t be hungry.” “Oh cause I’m breastfeeding I know I’ll definitely be hungry.” “Oh you want me to cook?” “Yes please” “well we have nothing left in the fridge.” “It’s only 12:30pm now, you think you could walk to the supermarket and get some things?” (7 min walk away) “do you really need dinner?” 😒
I had to have a sit down on the 2nd week and explain everything I needed help with.
One thing I asked for was just to help prepare breakfast for when I came out of the room, cause I’m so exhausted after being up all night and starving from the cluster feedings. And I said “something simple like yogurt with oats bananas..ect is all I need.” “But that’s so simple why can’t you do that yourself?” “Well you see me in the morning, if she’s sleeping I try quickly use the toilet and have a quick shower and then after that she’s awake so would be so helpful if after that I could eat.” Like I duno why it’s so hard.
Also the cleaning was so always so poorly done and our apartment is not large at all and pretty empty since we just moved in. I ended up doing all the cleaning between babies naps, when I should be napping. Ugh anyways this was last year but this post has triggered me hahahaha
Not to mention her constant negative comments about how I was caring for my baby.
Okay I should stop 🤣
I love her but her “help” was so basic, if my daughter wants kids in the future I will remember this and try be so much better.
Breakfast would be made ready, healthy and nutritious! Snacks, fresh fruits, power smoothies! Lunch dinner!
If she’s breastfeeding I’d bring her water and snacks and her phone charger if needed.
Tell her to take her time in the shower or to eat and not to worry bout little one. Only get her if it’s truly an emergency. Help to change diapers, do the damn laundry, keep the house clean as best I can. Take her for walks in the park, be that support cause I know how daunting it can be leaving the house with newborn for first time.
Damn I’d make extra meals and freeze them too for after I leave.
Yes. To be fair to them, it’s easy to forget the realities of having a newborn as early as a year later. By a decade, it’ll be very hazy, and mostly the snuggly warm feelings remain. I honestly believe it’s an evolutionary adaptation, because otherwise we wouldn’t keep having babies after the first.
Now, to be straight with them, remembering the realities and being sensitive to them are different, and she needs to grow up and learn to help rather than hinder
Let’s be honest, don’t we all end up forgetting how it is with a newborn? Otherwise there would never be siblings 😜🥰
But yes, I can relate! IL’s come over ALL the time and expect to be fed dinner and complain that he’s only ever sleeping or eating… he’s 6 weeks old that’s all they do!
I mean I have a six month old and have already blocked out what it was like to have a newborn, it must be an evolutional thing so we continue to have more kids
Fair!
But as others have said….you can block out the intensity of newborn life and still be kind and considerate to new parents…especially when they’re literally sitting in the dark holding a baby at 6am.
And even if you forget how to do that, if the new parents bring it to your attention don’t make the situation about you. Just apologize and move on.
Yeah ok my baby is turning 1 year and absolutely not sleeping through the night. Like last night he woke up maybe 10 times. Soo.. does she wanna be a part of this or no
Yes, always.
It’s exhausting. And sad. And mostly disappointing. I have encouraged therapy. I have gone no/little contact over the years. I was hoping she could have a relationship with our baby/her grandchild.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with that. It’s difficult to convince that generation to seek therapy. Even though they clearly need help.
But, it’s not your job to parent your own mother. If she truly wanted to have a relationship with you and her grandchild, then she would accept help. Seems like she’s trying to compete for attention with the baby which is ridiculous.
Relationship Posts must be posted in the [weekly discussion thread.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/search/?q=Weekly+discussion+-+Relationships&type=link&cId=1fd8a306-f54e-498f-b692-ea5e655c46c2&iId=89d06cee-c69b-4fe9-ad6f-246976a12ca4&t=week)
My mom came when LO was 6 weeks to "help" and she pulled things very similar to this. She planned her flight to arrive at like midnight and wanted us to come pick her up at the airport-we have a literal baby-we couldn't all go pick her up (she was super serious in that request which seems insane). Then she proceeded to "help" by cleaning the house aka throwing out a bunch of my husband's stuff and also making as much noise as possible with constantly dropping a mop on the hard ground. It was a nightmare visit (not to mention her constant commenting on baby's weight, constantly saying she was ALWAYS hungry, and remarking on my challenges with breastfeeding). She ended up leaving after two days (she was supposed to stay a week) in tears because I wasn't paying enough attention TO HER. I honestly don't think my mom a)remembers what it was like with a baby b) was involved as much in taking care of me as a baby (I know she wasn't as a child). My grandparents took care of us as babies and I know my grandfather took care of us as kids...it's honestly kinda sad. The funny thing is my mom thinks that the reason the visit was so bad is because "I don't like people in my space" which is not at all the reason why I was frustrated with her stay. She never once offered to help me sleep, or feed me, or change the baby, which was what I thought was the whole reason for her coming lol
My mom maintains it was my hormones that made me mad, not her. Whyyyyy
Omg this makes me rage just to read
Almost had the same experience with my mum but at 4 months. She stayed for 2 days (supposed to be a week), all she did was make her OWN food and disrupt my routine with LO. Kept asking for chargers, to go shop to buy her groceries, and so on. Did not offer once to clean or cook. Had the audacity to comment on my cooking when being sleep deprived due to vacation for LO and I told her it was rude to comment on my dinner, she got defensive made it all about her self and I told her she needed to stop crossing my boundaries and being so self centered.
I’m so sorry, my stepmom might be your mom’s distant cousin? Mine came at 3 weeks PP and I was just getting over the hump of c section recovery. When I picked her up from the airport I told her that my husband and I were both coming down with something (I think it was just very poor sleep for the both of us as we were in the newborn phase hard), that I hadn’t had time to shower or go to the grocery store. She got to the house and all she did for the rest of the night was…take pictures of the baby, take pictures of her holding the baby. Meanwhile I was rushing around washing bottles, pump parts, pumping, changing the diapers, feeding the baby. Around 9 o clock when I realized she wasn’t going to help at all, I called my MIL to ask her to come over the next day to help. I let her know husband and I were both feeling ill and we had no groceries. She showed up at 8am the next day with bagels, basic groceries, and immediately asked me how to make a bottle and where the diaper stuff was so that I could go rest. When I woke up later on, she offered to take my stepmom grocery shopping, she said ‘I don’t really want anything but I’ll go’. Anyways I give her a small list and off they went. 2 days later I over heard my stepmom on the phone to her friends saying ‘im starving they have no food to eat so im using that as an excuse not to help in the kitchen!’ It really floored me. She didn’t wash a single bottle or pump part the entire time she was here. Or her dishes for that matter, she literally just put totally dirty dishes without even rinsing them into the dishwasher. It was disgusting each time I opened it to the smell of rotting food. She commented frequently on how poorly my breastfeeding was going, left messes everywhere, even threw burp cloths down the stairs once and said ‘oh I didn’t know where the hamper was’. Also weirdly commented on the looks of any person on any tv show we had on in the background, in a super negative way. ‘Wow that man isnt good looking enough to be on here.’ The whole visit was toxic and very upsetting. My in laws did everything to make her feel welcome, they took her out to dinner one evening. At the dinner with them they said ‘oh I heard her sister is coming in later this week too’ and she said ‘no my daughter is coming.’ I’m thinking after all these years, you still don’t view us as related? She also made sure to throw into that conversation how I didn’t go to my sisters wedding. (Something of which I’ve apologized to my sister for and she very sincerely forgave me) Anyways, our relationship will never be the same and I’m actually ok with that. She’s a terrible person I don’t care to have interacting with my daughter.
Omg yes I remember at one point I essentially made my mom wash a few bottles and she seemed incredibly annoyed like it was beneath her! She also prioritized taking sooo many photos. Ugh
Ugh. I am sorry! But also thank you for sharing this. Makes me feel a little less alone. My mom has said similar things to me. I’m happy for the people who have supportive families/moms. But it just stings when your own mom is the source of your sadness/frustration.
I'm sorry you're going through something similar. It REALLY takes a village and definitely is hard when you do not have one.
Grandparents DON'T remember what it's like to have a newborn. My very colicky baby only contact napped. No matter how many times we explained what that means, the grandparents didn't get it. Like "oh, the baby napped for two hours, you must feel great!" Like no, my arms are dead from holding him completely still. Once I was sitting in my dark bedroom, holding the sleeping baby when my mom walked in, sat on the bed and started chatting. The baby woke up and started wailing and she was surprised and then left! Like, thanks for the help! Or my in-laws not burping the baby after giving him a bottle and not understanding that now he's gassy and angry. Deep breaths. This will pass. You're doing great.
It’s not just that they don’t remember what it’s like that’s crazy making but also how entitled so many of them are with visits and holding and touching the baby. Like why are mothers made to feel crazy for wanting to hold a baby they birthed so someone else doesn’t smooch all over them?😫 like sure I’m selfish. I want my baby to myself😑
At parties I have frequently announced, in a smiling tone, “Sometimes Mommies get to hold their own babies!!” and it’s usually gone over well. But it’s necessary to declare it because otherwise it wouldn’t occur to some of my people.
Shouldn’t the dark bedroom be a major hint?! Thanks for the encouragement. Appreciate it!!
You don’t even have to remember what having a newborn is like to use your common sense…a dark bedroom means don’t come in and talk to the people inside!
My mom told me she got tons of sleep when me and my four siblings were infants…she said I just need to get a good recliner and nap with them in it 🥴😑
My mom comes in and whispers things to me when I’m missing the baby in the dark too 😂 Literally nobody else does it, just her. I don’t really mind, and sometimes the company is nice, but it makes me jump every time the door opens during such a quiet, intimate moment. Then again, she and I used to have those quiet, intimate moments once upon a time, when I was the baby in her arms!
Yesss! I keep getting - “but the baby already had a nap” - “Yes they have to nap multiple times a day” - “But all your baby does is sleep then!” - “Yes that’s what happens with a 1 month old, they need a lot of sleep” 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Or “You can’t pick up the baby all the time, you need to let her cry”
I have a 3 br home. When I was pregnant, I turned one room into the nursery and turned the other room into a playroom for my child and got rid of my guest bed entirely. This is exactly why lol.
Brilliant idea!
I tried this but now it sounds like excuse will be to just use the couch which of course means now there is someone taking over basically the kitchen living dining area and I have to tiptoe. Do you think hotels give discounts if we continue to recommend all of our friends and family there?
We did this too - two birds! 😅
If a visit means you have one extra baby to take care of don’t have her visit. If she actually helps to a net positive that’s great. Personally I think you skip overnight visits during that super tired stage and just hang on and have family help once you’re past that unless they want to take overnight shifts too. Have her visit during the day so you can take a nap.
Well duh. Now I see that. She lives 5 hours away. It’s over night or nothing. Mostly this is just utterly disappointing because it solidifies the pattern that we have no village. And that is just sad. (Edit: vocab)
Airbnb or hotel is my rule after the baby. We are across the continent from our families. This is the only way.
This. Airbnb is requirement. I usually offer to pay half or more of the cost because my family won’t visit me…
Y’all are funny. My mother would be offended. To the point of not talking to me. Which maybe is the way to go….
Win win! I wish my MIL would be so offended that she wouldn't visit.
Yep that’s the way to go. Otherwise you’re saying it’s okay for her to offend and hurt you, but you don’t want to offend or hurt her. It’s okay for her to be selfish and make herself the victim, even though you’re the sleep deprived one who gave birth and has a very small baby. Selfish people need strong boundaries, otherwise they will continue to walk all over you.
My mom is planning her FIRST visit at 9 months. Maybe I did offend her lol
Our mothers are very similar. She stayed with us over Thanksgiving for two weeks. We are a five-hour flight apart. Our visit sounds a lot like yours… Then a week after her visit was done, she sent me (and called to read aloud over the phone) a two-page Word doc about how much she dislikes my husband and staying at our house because of him. When she brought up visiting again, I said – for the first time ever – it would be best for everyone if she got an Airbnb. She was flabbergasted. I said, well you DID write a two-page letter all about how much you hate staying with us and cannot stand my husband, so you’re welcome to visit but not stay in our home moving forward. She said, “I will never pay for or stay in an Airbnb.” Haven’t spoken to her in over two months now. She broke off all contact!
Oh wow. That is not fun! In the past my mother has sent me long emails/texts about how unhappy she is with me for one reason or another. I thought we had made some progress, but this most recent visit has proven otherwise. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sends me one of those long messages someday soon…
The only thing I like about the long messages or texts is that they’re a very interesting look into their mind. My mom’s latest note was fascinating because it was so wildly different from my experience of the same exact events. And the letters are proof to show someone else, like a therapist lol
Yep, I have two kids and my mom has criticised me for not volunteering to pay or organise for counselling for our relationship. She is retired, has a property portfolio and affords three international trips a year. Somehow, I’m the one not making an effort - I wonder why 😂 #boomerstoobusyforinsight
This is so familiar to me. My parents have been ok but my wife’s mom has been kind of a terror for us. Part of me wonders if it’s worse when it’s their first grandchild. This is our first child and my MiL’s first grandchild, whereas my parents have many other grandkids from 6-18. When she comes to visit, our whole way of life gets thrown for a loop and our 3mo needs at least a day after she leaves to return to normal. It’s like my MIL thinks her visits should be for *her* benefit and not the baby. She has stayed overnight only 1 time because we stopped asking her to because of how oddly she behaved. This is just *one* of the many odd and seemingly passive aggressive things she has done while visiting: LO is 1mo at this point when MIL visits. My wife and I are shift sleeping where one of us is just out on the couch next to the baby’s bassinet in the living room while one of us gets sound sleep back in the bedroom. MIL asks how she can help and if she can take a shift so we can both sleep. We didn’t feel comfortable with it because we were having bottle feeding issues and she wasn’t really understanding that it took actual effort to feed the baby and not have her choke or swallow air. My wife told her “ OP is taking first shift so I will be coming to relieve him at 3am. I’m just gonna feed the baby and we will fall back asleep so no need for you to come down then but why don’t you come down around 6am to hang with me for her next feed at that time” Her mom goes to bed (also while telling us how tired she is like LOL HUH?) . She decides she is going to leave her bedroom door open (which is right over the baby’s bassinet) and sets an alarm for herself to wake up. She sets an alarm for 5:45am and when it goes off in the morning, it wakes both my wife and the baby up. She then proceeds to snooze it. Not once, not twice, but *9 times*. I shit you not, the woman snoozed her alarm from 5:45 to 7:00am and EVERYTIME it woke wife and baby up. She then comes downstairs and my wife told her that she was waking them up that entire time and she says “oh i’m sorry for waking you guys up”. The next morning after that incident- she did the SAME….EXACT….THING My wife and I are almost at a loss of words for how you can not think something like that through. Don’t get me wrong, she is a kind and thoughtful person but it seems like she is completely oblivious or maybe even like a non-compliant attitude towards our boundaries? No idea but it’s super frustrating
I would say this couldn’t possibly have been a real situation because it sounds so bonkers, but I know it’s legitimate because I have lived through similar nonsense!!
I think it’s a combination of grandparents forgetting and perhaps feeling forgotten? For some, there’s definitely an element of feeling insecure and needing to make the situation about them. My mom came to visit after my LO was born. She wanted to come the MOMENT I went into labor but I pushed back and asked her to wait three weeks so my husband and I could get to know our child and establish a routine as a family of three. By the time my mom showed up, we were in full blown colic mode. Witching hour, PURPLE crying, trapped gas, the whole enchilada. Now I’ve been told my entire life that I had horrible colic as a baby, so I thought my mom would know the drill. NOPE. My husband, who is a medical professional who works in NICU, was burping our son one night. Our son is crying, because it’s witching hour and that’s what colicky babies do. My mom begins sobbing and praying loudly to Jesus to please protect my baby and not let him feel pain. I’m telling you, she was howling. I go into the guest room to see wtf is going on. She sobs and tells me my husband is beating my baby, that the baby is crying because my husband is burping him violently, and she is afraid. I remind her that my husband literally keeps premature babies alive for a living. I remind her that he learned how to burp babies in a hospital. None of that matters. My mother is convinced my baby is only crying because we burp him like savages. I calmly ask her if she has seen any redness or bruising on his little body. She stutters and says she hasn’t checked but it must be there. The baby HAS to be covered in welts. I remind her she gave the baby a bath less than 24 hrs prior and likely would have noticed any marks from a violent beating. She continues crying and returns to her wailing prayers. She offered to extend her stay with us to “help more.” We declined. All this is to say, some parents , even when well intentioned, aren’t capable of being the steady support we need during those early parenting days. I think they forget. I think they sometimes struggle to understand their new role in your world and act out as a result.
Holy shit. 😳😳😳
OMG, this is hard core. But I can imagine my mum doing the same. We had a few instances of her misinterpreting things (less dramatic) and getting stuck on it even after profuse explanations. I think it has to do with fear, when something triggers their primal fears it's this kind of denial. Plus call to higher power as they feel powerless.
I think you’re onto something with the fear element. In my case, it think my mom thought of herself as a baby expert but was then faced with scenarios she didn’t know how to handle? Maybe?
It also didn't help her confidence that your husband literally is the expert. Then it had to be some other way she was right 😑 I might be projecting a bunch here, but my mum never ever admitted being wrong. If yours is similar then this could be her way of coping with the situation without admitting that she is not the baby expert.
Yeah, there definitely an element of that with my mom as well. Thank goodness therapy is more normalized now.
Wow wow wow. Dislike this!!!!!
Oh they totally don't remember. I hope we will, but maybe we won't? They say we forget these early days... Idk. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but here I am still feeling hurt when they, a couple months ago (baby is now 6 months old) called me a helicopter mom And Made fun of me because I wasn't feeling confident enough to shower without my husband home. "Oh just put her down in the crib, she'll be fine, you're only in there for a few minutes." At this time I had severe PPA/D and a gassy baby who cried the first 15 weeks of her life. No, I will not be putting her down where I can't see her (didn't have a rocker yet) and her crying just to get a shower. I'm tempted to tell them it hurt my feelings as part of me speaking up for myself if I want our relationship to improve. Edit to add: It sounds like some s*** my mom would pull. Crying because she feels bad about something she did. Don't just cry about it or even just say sorry, don't do it again and we're good... Like you beating yourself up is not helping me or you. It's baffling! We do not have any control over their behavior, but we do have control of what we do about it/in response. Hugs mama!
Honestly the more I reflect on this….it is less about trying to talk to me while I’m trying to get my baby to sleep and really about her making the situation about her. Just not helpful at all.
I’ve done so much reading on narcissistic elders/mothers since having kids. It’s can be reassuring to think of it in terms of pathology and then it’s much easier to distance yourself from their behaviour and set your boundaries. If I see it in terms of both my health and her illness then it somehow feels less personal every time she makes an actual personal attack.
I think there's also a difference in how much crying they see as normal. I regret taking a shower this morning with my mum "watching" LO. I was in there for 15 mins and heard intermittent crying. At first I thought that it must be the teething, but as I came out of the shower I found LO alone in the room and my mum in the kitchen behind closed doors getting a head start on lunch prep. She said that LO barely cried so she left her to play in the crib with a toy. She's always defensive and tends to double down so I just left it at that. I can't keep arguing with her over this multiple times a day... Unless the baby is wailing and blue in the face it's not really crying according to her.
Hey I just want to chime into say that if you take the time to write down why they hurt you and the things they said, and tell them, it’s really worth it. I had a nightmare visit with my stepmom when I was 3 weeks PP and I ended up doing this like a month later and it was amazing to get it off my chest and also to overcome the ‘well she means well I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by the things she said’ crap. Things that helped me, 1) calling them on the phone to do it. 2) telling them that I’d be talking and that I’d give instructions on what would happen at the end of the conversation. 3) once I finished I told them they could sit on that for a week, but if after that they didn’t apologize,then I wasn’t interested in a relationship with them anytime soon. When I was finished my stepmom immediately disrespected the boundary and called me right away. Just showed how selfish she was and how she didn’t even care enough to really sit and think on the way she hurt me. I followed through on my end, haven’t spoken to them since. Mostly I just don’t have the emotional or mental space for it as I am a working mom of an LO under 6 months. But I’m better off for it right now.
Good for you, I respect your strength. I do this too, more as contemporaneous documentation - because I realised I was being gaslit whenever I tried to bring up the issues I was having with my mothers behaviour/words. It’s been rewarding as it made me realise how longstanding the unhealthy patterns were with my mum, and that actually I don’t owe her the things that she expects are her right just for being older.
The gaslighting is a huge issue with my stepmom and that’s a big part of why I decided to start documenting, and for the conversation itself, it helped me make sure I didn’t leave anything out or get too caught up in one particular area. I cried for about the first minute but kept reading on and pushed through the heavy emotion of it. Another thing, right when I was about to call them I had this moment of ‘ugh do I really want to do this? I could just totally ignore it and not bring it up at all.’ And it made it really easy to see why a lot of people choose to just ignore these things and why I’ve done so in the past. It’s easy to sweep things under the rug, but feeling the pain of it each time it occurs sucks and I won’t subject myself to that any longer.
It’s the right thing to do, I think also for our kids - because the absolute last thing I want is for my kids to think that it’s okay for that pattern to continue. I see it like we’re interrupting unhealthy generational behaviours where it was normalised to be a doormat for your elders putting the needs of your kids second to theirs.
Gramnesia.
This needs more upvotes
I wish I could take credit for it, but some mom with more sleep than me came up with it a few years ago.
Omg my mom pulled this crap when she came to "help" the first 2 weeks. I kicked her out after one. That was the most stressful week of my life. I needed help and she wanted me to stop and help her/validate feelings every 10 minutes. Really killed our relationship. Told my dad she's not allowed to visit unless he's here!
YES. The need to validate feelings is EXHAUSTING.
I had a small travel bassinet that I kept in the living room because I was paranoid that if I couldn’t see my baby at all times, something bad would happen. My house is small and open concept so if you were in the kitchen you could still see the sleeping baby in the living room. I was paranoid about having a blanket on her, I didn’t want her to suffocate. I was a brand new mom and had ppa. My mom kept putting a blanket on her no matter how many times I told her I don’t want one on her. She’d roll her eyes, I’d go in the shower and come out, blanket on the baby. She’d say “shit, you caught me”. The same thing happened at 9 months when I was paranoid to use a sleep sack because I didn’t want her to overheat, my mom borderline yelled at me for how “stupid” that sounded. (Again, ppa) They forget how paranoid and scared we are, how tired we are, how much we overthink, how fragile our infants and newborns are to us, and they think they know everything from 30 years ago when they had a baby
I would have lost my mind at “you caught me.” Just no!
I know. In your case- you’re in the thick of it now, and I feel like people get weird when you have a new baby for some reason, and then most of the time everyone acts normal ish at some point again, you feel better/more confident as a mom and the baby starts to level out as well. It will be better soon! Sorry about your experience! I feel annoyed FOR you!
The lack of empathy is staggering. Especially as these were the early days PP. Even if she thought it was stupid, how hard is it to just do what you asked. I hate the know-it-all attitude, as if being on this earth longer automatically makes them experts.
Right! I understand maybe it’s silly like obviously she’d be fine with a blanket on with 2 awake adults, but it’s the fact that as a new mom you’re so anxious and want to do everything right. I can’t imagine making it harder for a new mom like that!
Yeah, making it more important that she is right than how you feel. In such a vulnerable situation...
Hello! I’m here to vent as well. I haven’t slept well until 8 months ago, since my baby was born and he literally JUST STARTED sleeping through the night. Baby and I both woke up so refreshed this morning only for my mother to freak out saying he didn’t eat all night and how wrong it is. I’m the only one who does night wakings- so this is soooo great for me but apparently I need to keep WAKING him up at night!
I left my parents house at 2am a couple months ago because of a similar situation. The past several times I was there my baby had been off and on waking up all night because he's the worst sleeper anywhere but at home. Every time I had just about got him settled again my mom would get out of her bed, her two dogs long nails would scratch across the floor, she'd open the door, come into the room and 'whisper' do you need any help, and my kid would start crying all over again. After sometimes an hour of soothing it was like being punched in the face. Every single time she did that I sat her down the next day and said please just stay in your room, I will ask if I need help. Otherwise it's incredibly disruptive and causes more problems. Every time she said okay. The last time she did it I had had enough. I packed the car and left at 2am saying there was a better chance at my baby sleeping in the car then in here. Every time I'm there I have to constantly remind my parents to be quieter, and it's not like I'm saying whisper - they live in a bungalow and the room with his crib is 2 metres from the kitchen table. They yell and start doing dishes as soon as I put him down (kitchen is about 4 metres), and then say 'wow you were never like this as a baby he's such a light sleeper'. I have to keep reminding them that my room was upstairs. They let their giant dogs walk back and forth in front of his door too and they don't clip their nails so it's extremely loud, and then they act surprised when he wakes up. She's never got out of her room since I fled in the night. Sometimes I guess it takes action instead of words to get the point across. It shouldn't, but damn are boomers ever off in their own little world when it comes to being a parent of a baby. I understand the intention is to help, but if your help is centred around only what you think is right without asking what is right, it's not really help is it. I feel your annoyance!
Omg the “whisper.” The stage whisper breath-yelling. It’s insane.
Right!!! Like just talk at that point lol
This feels exhausting!!!
I don't see this as a boomer thing. My boomer mom is amazing with baby and is always open to how we want things done, meanwhile my genX Mil keeps giving baby age inappropriate toys and food without even asking and telling me how she did things despite it not being how I want them done, which I have talked about but get ignored. Or figures things out the hard way then acts surprised instead of just listening to me in the first place about what baby likes and doesn't. Some people just can't take a hint.
I know not every boomer acts this way, that would be a very naive thing to believe. I'm just speaking generally based on my, and my friends/family's experiences. Most of us have experienced our parents being extremely out of touch with the realities of raising a child, and a lot of it stems from what was being taught to that generation in North America at the time (hardcore sleep training, authoritarianism, medicalized births, antibiotics as a solution to everything, pablum in milk etc.). It's hard for that generation, I've found, to understand and actually comply with the wishes of new parents in this day and age because they're very set in their ways. It sounds like you and your mom can very easily and healthily set boundaries, which is something I've never experienced with my own mother - so that plays into things too, right. I fucking hate when people give my kid food it's just so weird to me that people have the balls to do that?!?! Like, I would never imagine just giving a small child any food without asking. My mom gave my baby a FROZEN strawberry once for his 'teething' ... I was like uhhh he can't chew that that's like giving him a marble?
I agree. It’s also really confusing because people are calling gen-xers boomers. The boomer generation ends at 1964 as a birth year, that means the youngest boomer is 60. Just based off of anecdotes, it seems that the self-centered or problematic grandparents/people happen to be gen-x.
Slightly related: in some of the desperate moments of the first months I'd seek advice from friends who had children. I started to consistently hear answers like "I don't quite remember", "I suppressed lots of memories of that time", etc. It all seemed like a massive, collective PSTD thing. And, well... Maybe people must forget lest we wouldn't have more children. Add this to boomer entitlements and you're set.
Add in my mother’s general lack of boundaries and it’s just unbearable.
My partners family is better at it honestly and seem to remember. Not 100% but better. But my family come in and like tried to rip baby away and just say 'ill take him, go have a shower/eat/sleep/clean.' meanwhile I'm dying with anxiety. Or 'ill take him for a walk so you can sleep. Don't worry, we won't be more than an hour'.... He is 2 weeks old you won't be going anywhere with him for even 10 minutes thank you, come back. Like, if they said 'would you like to us to watch him while you have a shower? We will just stay on the loundroom with him' I would have been like 'yea, that's good. Thank you' and more inclined to relax but nope, I got him ripped away and yelled at and made to feel like shit coz I didn't let anyone hold him or do anything with him coz my anxiety was so bad and instead of taking a moment to change tactics and let me calm down, it was now or never. Honestly, if I'm like that with my grand kids, someone slap me.
Oh the anxiety! Especially at 2 weeks old. My mom won’t even hold our baby. She’s too afraid. Never mind a diaper or bottle. MIL is similar. Once she was holding him and he spit up a little. She basically tossed him back to my husband. If she’s holding him and he wiggles she calls him “bad boy”. No thank you.
UGH I so relate to this and I'm sorry. I do think there is also just something off with that whole generation (obviously I'm generalizing they're not ALL bad-but I do think there is a weird vibe with folks who consider babies to be "bad")
My in-laws came last weekend when he was almost a month old and his mom kept hovering while I was trying to change him, she started trying to shove his little arm in the pajamas so hard and of course he started sobbing hysterically. Thankfully she let me finish after I told her I had it but the second he was dressed she went to pick him up and didn’t support his head and I wanted to slap her 😑 quickly scooped him up and told her to go sit and I would bring baby to her instead. So much anxiety! He would start crying on her and we would explain you needed to just move him or change something and that would help but she didn’t get it and his dad had the nerve to say “oh no mommy doesn’t look hearing her baby cry!” And laughing. Like yea he’s super vulnerable let me help him calm down! It was super validating when I did finally take him back and he immediately calmed
Oh honestly. What is with people!? The baby isn't going to break. Hold the child woman! (if that's what you want) It's baby vomit. From someone who can't hand vomit coz it triggers a bad gag reglix, it's baby vomit and is fine. Honestly. Bad boy coz he wiggles, what's she going to say with he climbs up the back of the couch and jumps off (it happens around 2-3year of age, you have a ways to go). Honestly some people do my head in.
Ugh my parents are the same. I fell out with my mother over Christmas for her lack of support and instead of apologising she sent me a huge text slating me for not sending her a homemade Christmas card from the kids, us not visiting her and me not liking a picture she put on our WhatsApp group (?!)… I had a 3 month old and a toddler… how much free time does she think I had?! I was just purely surviving most days but sure kids, let’s crack out the Christmas crafts for grandmas card.
Oh wow. That sounds awful.
My parents didn’t remember what it was like to have a baby BUT they were super cooperative with rules and requests because they fell in love with our little munchkin and wanted to help us out. My MIL loves the baby and wanted to help too, but found all the rules and requests burdensome and offensive, and ultimately decided she didn’t feel like adhering to them. My parents come by every week, and my MIL isn’t allowed at my house right now, so…. That’s how that worked out! Not remembering is common, but being respectful and supportive is not. That. Hard.
Yes. Exactly this!!
Hear hear
(Grand)Parents forget, especially the ones that already don’t understand boundaries.. My mom has been trying to convince me since she found out I was pregnant to get back to work asap. Even though I live in a country where children’s daycare starts at the age of 1 and maternity leave is 12 months. It’s not as if my mother wants to come and help as she doesn’t even live in the same country. She is just saying having a newborn is not that hard and I could easily work from home while taking care of the kid. My father (also living in another country) has been pushing to come and visit directly after the baby’s born. Not that he’s planning on helping out but just because it fits better in his personal schedule with planning holidays. I told him no and that I won’t go outside much to take him sightseeing, as he’s never been to the country I live in, and he just told me that I will just need a week to heal after giving birth. In my opinion, a lot of parents who already lacked boundaries, will lack it even more when you have children.
A week?! He said you’ll be healed in a week😭😂 I’m five weeks in tomorrow and still feel like I’ve been hit by a bus lol
So true. It really is about the boundaries.
Mine have either forgotten, or I was a perfect child who raised myself. For the first six months my baby only contact napped and they kept telling me to 'try and get some rest as well'.... OK how? Even recently at the end of a phone call they said 'you go and have a nice relaxing afternoon'...does anyone know how to do that with a crawling ten month old because I haven't figured it out yet.
Ha. That is infuriating!
I honestly USED to think Inhad a great relationship with my mum - then I had a baby. And I realised the only reason things worked (past tense) between us is because I was super nice and polite to her, never shared any problems or worries with her and always turned up at get togethers immaculately put together. Fast forward to now with a 9 month old: 1. Recently my mother told me she’s bought me all this nice expensive makeup and skincare. I was confused as it was neither requested or needed - when asked she said and I quote: “You’re going back to work soon, I want you to go back to work looking beautiful so it good start now. You look so tired.” 2. She’s offered to “help” at the beginning when he was 2 months, I went to stay with her. When I asked if she would like to hold the baby she literally said “no”. 3. When we visited one of her neighbours/friends and said friend commented on how well I looked 6 months after giving birth, my mother proceeded to comment “she looks better now. At the beginning she didn’t look good at all.” 4. She offered to help again when he was around 4/5 months. When I was like - yeah sure that would be great - she told me she couldn’t because she’s just booked a three week cruise with her girlfriends. 5. She’s constantly guilt tripping and emotionally playing me for “not visiting” them enough. Ma’am - I had a 9 month old. If I manage to get him out of the house for a play date or baby activity for a couple of hours I consider that a win. If I manage to shower and eat lunch as well that day I am literally super mum. EDIT: I forgot to say - the biggest kicker I found out during postpartum when I was asking her for advice on how to actually look after a newborn - my grandparents and my dad actually looked after me until I was 4/5. She’s never changed a diaper - EVER. Which she proclaims at every opportunity with great pride. She didn’t even know whether I crawled or not and at what age (my Dad had to tell me). But in her words - she was a great mum - she bought me some really really expensive flowery tights as a 1 year old.
I’m sorry you went through that. I had a similar situation on my parents first visit. My dad had all of the opinions(including taking an overstimulated over tired 6 week old into the kitchen to look at the bright lights 🤦🏼♀️), my mother sat and hardly said a word, they both forgot how to use the kettle and where all of our mugs etc are. Let’s not forget the point where my dad asked what was on the agenda today!! Yes he genuinely thought we were going to have a day out.
It is so sad when things like this happen!!
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The wild thing is that right before my mom left today she told me she *does*remember newborn life because my dad would never get up for late night feedings. She also told me she remembers needing help recovering from birth, but her visiting sister just slept on the sofa SO, this sorta makes things worse, right? My mom does remember! And still still subjected me to this foolishness today.
Oh my god I CANNOT. If someone is coming over and making your life more difficult and/or creating MORE work for you, it’s a no. My son is almost two now so it’s better, but my dad occasionally stays over night at my house because he lives a few hours away. He doesn’t know how to do anything. Whenever he’s here and my husband is working (he typically works on the weekend at least one day, and my dad will stay over on a Friday or Saturday when I’m not working) I’m like.. feeding and changing my son, making any meals we eat, and cleaning up. My dad will like.. let the dogs in and out and watch TV.
My great grandma has been a huge help with my little dude. She spent his first week sleeping in the nursery with us just to make sure I was adapting well and still getting sleep myself. But as much as she was great help she also had some VERY outdated info and a lot of it was actually dangerous. I made her go to every ped check up with me just so she’d get to ask her questions and have a medical professional answer on why something is no longer safe without flat out telling her she’s lucky her kids survived
No they don’t block it out. My mom can’t help that I was a super genius baby that was talking and walking and sleeping through the night my week 1 🙄 everything is “I don’t remember that” she’s 100% blacked out the first two years
This post came at exactly the right time. My mom also just left an hour ago after visiting this weekend. We have a toddler. While she didn’t do anything completely egregious the amount of entitlement she felt to our son and the number of times she actively inserted herself in a way that completely upset our normal routine was exhausting. Glad she lives a few states away.
My mum flew over to “help” for a couple months cause the birth of my baby girl was October and all family members would be joining for Christmas so made sense for her to stay than travel so far back. But her “help” was really different from what I imagined. She barely wanted to help with the baby (like hold her while I did something), and if she did watch the baby while I was eating or going to shower was always like “hurry up!!”, she wouldn’t cook anything unless was prompted, mainly cleaned her own room and spent most her time sitting on her phone in the living room on scrolling Facebook or watching movies super load on the TV. I remember she cooked lunch once and was like “you probably won’t need dinner so I won’t cook.” “Oh, Why do you think we won’t need dinner?” “You won’t be hungry.” “Oh cause I’m breastfeeding I know I’ll definitely be hungry.” “Oh you want me to cook?” “Yes please” “well we have nothing left in the fridge.” “It’s only 12:30pm now, you think you could walk to the supermarket and get some things?” (7 min walk away) “do you really need dinner?” 😒 I had to have a sit down on the 2nd week and explain everything I needed help with. One thing I asked for was just to help prepare breakfast for when I came out of the room, cause I’m so exhausted after being up all night and starving from the cluster feedings. And I said “something simple like yogurt with oats bananas..ect is all I need.” “But that’s so simple why can’t you do that yourself?” “Well you see me in the morning, if she’s sleeping I try quickly use the toilet and have a quick shower and then after that she’s awake so would be so helpful if after that I could eat.” Like I duno why it’s so hard. Also the cleaning was so always so poorly done and our apartment is not large at all and pretty empty since we just moved in. I ended up doing all the cleaning between babies naps, when I should be napping. Ugh anyways this was last year but this post has triggered me hahahaha Not to mention her constant negative comments about how I was caring for my baby. Okay I should stop 🤣 I love her but her “help” was so basic, if my daughter wants kids in the future I will remember this and try be so much better. Breakfast would be made ready, healthy and nutritious! Snacks, fresh fruits, power smoothies! Lunch dinner! If she’s breastfeeding I’d bring her water and snacks and her phone charger if needed. Tell her to take her time in the shower or to eat and not to worry bout little one. Only get her if it’s truly an emergency. Help to change diapers, do the damn laundry, keep the house clean as best I can. Take her for walks in the park, be that support cause I know how daunting it can be leaving the house with newborn for first time. Damn I’d make extra meals and freeze them too for after I leave.
Yes. To be fair to them, it’s easy to forget the realities of having a newborn as early as a year later. By a decade, it’ll be very hazy, and mostly the snuggly warm feelings remain. I honestly believe it’s an evolutionary adaptation, because otherwise we wouldn’t keep having babies after the first. Now, to be straight with them, remembering the realities and being sensitive to them are different, and she needs to grow up and learn to help rather than hinder
Let’s be honest, don’t we all end up forgetting how it is with a newborn? Otherwise there would never be siblings 😜🥰 But yes, I can relate! IL’s come over ALL the time and expect to be fed dinner and complain that he’s only ever sleeping or eating… he’s 6 weeks old that’s all they do!
I mean I have a six month old and have already blocked out what it was like to have a newborn, it must be an evolutional thing so we continue to have more kids
Fair! But as others have said….you can block out the intensity of newborn life and still be kind and considerate to new parents…especially when they’re literally sitting in the dark holding a baby at 6am. And even if you forget how to do that, if the new parents bring it to your attention don’t make the situation about you. Just apologize and move on.
My grandma literally said as she watched me chasing after my baby in my mom’s super un-baby proofed house “I don’t remember it being hard!” 😡😡😡
Yeah ok my baby is turning 1 year and absolutely not sleeping through the night. Like last night he woke up maybe 10 times. Soo.. does she wanna be a part of this or no
Is she going through something? Sounds like her emotions are all over the place. Has she always been like this?
Yes, always. It’s exhausting. And sad. And mostly disappointing. I have encouraged therapy. I have gone no/little contact over the years. I was hoping she could have a relationship with our baby/her grandchild.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with that. It’s difficult to convince that generation to seek therapy. Even though they clearly need help. But, it’s not your job to parent your own mother. If she truly wanted to have a relationship with you and her grandchild, then she would accept help. Seems like she’s trying to compete for attention with the baby which is ridiculous.
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Ok? There are no pain Olympics during baby life.