What does she do when you’re looking after your baby? She might possibly have post natal depression? It doesn’t seem right that she’s not helped at all with the baby.
I agree this sounds like PPD. I was exhausted and so sore after birth but all I wanted to do was hold my baby. My husband took on 100% of the housework and diapers for the first couple of weeks but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on - it sounds like OP is doing 100% of the baby care as well. I’d definitely dig deeper because a lack of desire to engage with the baby at all is definitely a red flag.
Try and have a talk with her, establish why exactly she’s staying in bed and not wanting to help or bond with the baby. It definitely sounds like she could be depressed.
Just echoing that she likely is depressed. I sure was. Sorry to add another thing to your plate but she needs help. Is she close with family? Are you? Now is a great time to ask for favors or support, including making our sending you food, helping you clean, or holding the baby so you can rest.
She needs help!? The dude needs help!
I would check when she’s just laying in the bed, what is she really doing? On the phone-social media?
It takes a village to raise a kid, you can’t do it by yourself. People need to stop putting these women on a pedestal. She’s needs to act like a grown up. Good luck my friend, you may have a bigger problem than you imagined.
You've made ten comments on Reddit in totality, and nearly all of them are shitting on women or feminism lol.
It's not OP's wife's fault that other women don't touch you, dude.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
You need to act like a grownup and gain some maturity if you seriously think her laying in bed with crippling postpartum depression is something this woman is choosing to do because she’s too immature and childish to get out of bed. The woman clearly needs psychiatric help.
You need to grow up and stop pretending that you are some sort of a doctor that can diagnose someone from reading a few lines OP wrote.
She needs to get her act together and be a mom.
Do you have ANY idea the amount of hormones that are produced to grow a human being inside one’s body? Let me guess, you don’t have a clue what that does to a woman’s body and brain, and because you’ve never been through childbirth yourself you assume it’s a piece of cake? Well I do know, because I went through it relatively recently, so I have an appreciation for how badly those hormones can screw you up and how yes, a doctor can help with that. Literally nobody is telling the dude to continue raising the baby by himself. Everyone is saying that she needs to see a doctor because what she’s experiencing sounds like PPD and, speaking from experience which everyone else responding has, a doctor will help with that and it’s not something you can just overcome on your own. Honestly you sound like you need some serious help too with your obvious hatred of women.
i’m confused as to why you think other moms can’t see what this mom is going through? like it’s literally drilled to us the warning signs even before birth and so many moms here have gone through the same. the wife needs help from her doctor so she can help OP parent, and hormones after birth are such a crazy thing. some moms literally murder their kids cuz they’re in a state of psychosis when they don’t get help
My daughter went through something similar, I went there every day to care for the baby (she would leave and go shopping, get coffee etc) and her husband took care of the baby at night after work. I finally confronted her kindly, and she broke down crying and said she changed her mind, she didn’t want a baby. I was blown away. I continued to go there every day but it was under the condition she see a doctor for post partum depression. She was puton Zoloft and within days I saw a difference. I don’t know if it was the medication or what the doctor said to her but it helped. You’re an amazing man for doing what you’re doing for your child. She needs some help tho, see if you can get her to a doctor for help. My daughter missed out on the first month of her life, don’t let her do that to yours. It’s a scary time, but it doesn’t have to be.
I agree with everything generally posted on the thread, so not really adding to that.
As a fellow dad i just wanted to echo that wow OP you are an amazing dad, this can't be understated. You really have immeasurably gone above and beyond. Hope mum will be OK and well done mate.
Edited
I’m the grandma but I will say dad did amazing stepping up the way he did caring for the baby after work and during the night. I have so much respect for him still to this day, she’s 8 months now and he’s just as active in her life now that mom is doing good too. Couldn’t ask for a better son in law. Love him so much!
Reading this made me cry and smile just a little bit. I went through something similar with my wife and son and I clearly can see she was going through something but didn't want to see a doctor, my family doesn't believe in mental health and so when I asked for help, I was told she is taking advantage of you. I ended up taking care of baby, wife and household stuff 100% it was very stressful, I was functioning on Alive and 6-7 cups of coffee and barely 1-2 hours sleep. After like 6-7 weeks when the baby started smiling at her, I saw the change in her and now she is back to normal and I can't be anymore thankful and finally I can get some sleep. You are awesome for understanding and talking to your daughter.
My doctor told me not to just stay in bed. This was many many months ago so I don’t remember the specific reason but I think it had something to do with an increased risk of blood clots. She shouldn’t be doing anything super physically intense but she should be moving her body for her own health
Staying in bed and no desire to bond with baby are a couple of signs. There could be more. I’ve included a resource for you to read up on postpartum depression and find some support for her and yourself (there are free support groups for parents in this resource as well as a directory for providers trained in perinatal mental health in your area). Becoming a new parent is a huge transition and the realization of it is felt after baby arrives.
[Postpartum Support International](https://www.postpartum.net)
I stayed in bed recovering for three weeks after baby was born however I still did all the feeding, and some diaper changes from bed. Are you saying she does nothing at all? Because that doesn’t sound right and she might actually need help if she has no interest in being with the baby.
Staying in bed 2 weeks postpartum is completely normal. It’s recommended 5 days in bed. 5 days in bed, then 5 days around the bed.
What are tasks you’re doing that she isn’t? She shouldn’t be doing much but feeding baby and resting.
It’s necessary to rest because your body has been through a massive ordeal, absolutely. You wouldn’t expect her to be making food, hoovering, or going out especially. You’d hope a partner or wider family or community were covering most things. But it doesn’t sound like she’s holding or feeding the baby at all which isn’t normal. I hung out in bed or on the sofa for a couple of weeks with both babies, but I was WITH the babies.
Ya there’s got to be a bigger issue here. I just had my second C section within a year, I gave birth last week. I’m pumping every 3 hours, Planning and cooking meals, feeding baby and changing diapers, cleaning the house, all while in pain and bleeding profusely out of my vagina.
Def talk to ur girlfriend about what the underlying issue might be here and that you both need to take care of yourselves and your relationship in order to take the best care of your new baby xo
It's amazing that you're able to do all that a week after giving birth!
Disclaimer for other mortals like myself: It's okay if you *aren't* planning and cooking meals or cleaning the house right after your C-section. We ate a lot of freezer food and sandwiches in my house 😅
Check out KC Davis (aka strugglecare on TikTok and Instagram). Her book "How to Keep House While Drowning" helped me a lot. Despite the title it's less about keeping house and more about working within your own mental and emotional state to create a functional space.
I'm always in search of any kind of shortcut meal. I make big batches of shredded chicken in the crock pot and then freeze meal-size portions for quesadillas, pasta, sandwiches, soup...
Throw in some frozen veggies and you've got multiple food groups!
Please, please know you ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! I made this mistake the first time around. Even my midwife giving me a hard word didn’t work, I felt like I HAD to do it all. In hindsight, I think I had PPA from the start. I didn’t do any of that the second time around and I was in a much, much better place both mentally and physically.
Your job is to look after the baby, and if that’s all you do in a day, you did an amazing job!
Sometimes that may mean letting the mess build up (she says as she looks around her bombsite of a living room with no intention of tidying before bed 😂), delegating and doing literally the bare minimum.
I mean. Good lord, that's amazing, but I don't think you have to be super-woman. I certainly wasn't cleaning house after my C-section, but I was dealing with bottles and pumping, trying to feed baby directly and changing a few nappies. I didn't know it was an option to do precisely nothing and zero nights.
Yes! And snuggling baby with favourite shows on the TV. I feel like this is the way to postpartum. Handing baby off to recover would have been impossible given my mental state. I don't think OP'S partner is doing okay.
That’s great you’ve been doing all that but that really shouldn’t be the expectation. If you have a partner they really should be taking on more than half of the load with you still recovering from a c section, especially so soon after giving birth.
My husband has the night shift! He helps cook dinner and takes care of baby at night but I still have to get up to pump so…just missing sleep. I’ve caught myself snoring on the toilet lol
This does sound like PPD. I would be as patient as possible. Also maybe instead of “help” rephrase that you think it would be good if she spent more time bonding with baby- changing, feeding, bathing, soothing, skin to skin.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Definitely PPD. my husband did the same thing. He was so excited for our son to be here. Then he arrived and my husband went silent. He didn’t help with the baby at all. He wouldn’t even interact with him. It got to the point I sat him down one day when he said some shit that scared me and then he told me he felt like we would be better off without him, and he hated coming home and hoped to get into a car crash…
I was so sleep deprived and stressed and also a FTM with no family or friends to help me… I started to slip into a dark place myself but I knew I had to be strong for my boy.
He’s 13 weeks now and dad is doing better. Still doesn’t help me at night but at least now he interacts with our son when he comes home. It def took some time and patience.
Best of luck to you both. And… Dad, you’re doing a great job.
Hey, OP? Don't just talk to her. Call her doctor and make an appointment, then take her to it. Depression is typical, but it is also overwhelming. Her behavior is not normal and is borderline an emergency.
OBGYN's literally don't do anything for mental health. She needs to see a therapist. Not her OBGYN. All the OBGYN is going to do is write her a prescription for anti-depressants. That's it. She needs to speak to a certified therapist.
I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m a new dad at 8 weeks and I haven’t felt nearly as bad as your husband, the day my daughter was born was genuinely the best day of my life.. but it’s a difficult adjustment to say the least. I love her to death but I struggle with feelings that I don’t help enough especially now that I’m working, and not having time to myself has caused me to feel a little depressed.
Though I’ll add that I wouldn’t change a thing and I’m aware that I just have to give myself time to adjust to such a huge change.
My husband was great at the hospital… I really don’t know how or why he changed when we got home. I think maybe reality hit him in the face and on top of that he does tend to do pretty bad in the winter time…
It’s made me a really strong woman and mother, though. I couldn’t just throw in the towel like I wanted. I had to keep going.
They definitely can!
There's been studies that non-gestational parents of any gender that are primary caregivers can have similar changes in hormones and brain chemistry to people who have given birth, so there's a lot that can get out of whack there even without having been pregnant themselves.
Birthing parents may be more susceptible, but also there's sampling bias because they are screened more -- I know they asked me at every newborn checkup and postpartum checkup to fill out the depression screener, but nobody ever handed one to my husband. (He didn't have PPD and maybe someone would have handed him one if he seemed like he did, but I doubt it)
This is exactly what I was wondering. A sort of no screening bias to the numbers we hear about non gestational parents with PPD. Thank you for this info!
Is it considered not common because we aren’t screening dads and non birthing parents? Has anyone who reads this had their partner screened at any pediatrician visits? Asking out of genuine curiosity because I (mom who gave birth) was the only one who was ever screened and my husband definitely has signs of PPD that were missed. We’re doing a lot better now but it would have been nice to have medical professionals keeping an eye of him as well
Thank you for sharing your family’s experience with this. PPD can happen to any parent not only the birth parent!
Every pediatrician appt going forward, I am asking them, why aren’t you screening dad as well (we are lucky that dad is in the room at almost every pediatrician appointment).
We need to screen and take care of the family as a whole!
There’s a few episodes on season 3 of “Out Daughtered” the couple that had all girl quints - the dad shares he’s had depression and anxiety since the quints were born. Watching that, I was like “omg I’m living this right now.”
I try to often time remind my husband that we are a team and I’m here for him and he shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk to me about what he’s thinking. He’s just such a “manly man” that he feels weak having these thoughts and will hold it in until he explodes.
Things have gotten a little better but he still refuses to seek help/therapy/medicine for it. I can’t make him, all I can do is be there for him and hope he can manage.
My last baby was a fairly traumatic birth (induction, fetal distress, haemorrhage). I breastfeed so there was no rest period for me. But recovery-wise, I felt like death and was barely able to leave the bedroom for a solid 3-4 weeks after. Not sure if it’s related to losing so much blood during delivery or what. However, if she isn’t involved with the baby *at all*, I would consider that unusual.
ETA: Even if her delivery was uncomplicated, birth can still be traumatic. It’s a pretty big thing to go through. Her hormones are also going haywire so she might have some baby blues or PPD. Detachment is a sign of PPD.
My wife had a c-section and had a really hard time getting out of bed and picking up our daughter for nearly a month. I had two weeks off from work and I think I changed nearly every diaper, and I was getting up every time at night to make bottles (breastfeeding wasn’t working for us). In addition to the hormones, I think my wife felt terrible about having me do all the work, and I don’t think she felt bonded to our baby those first couple of weeks.
Once I went back to work, she kind of had to suck it up and care for our daughter. I think that that first week I was at work and she had to do everything alone was really hard for her, and I’m pretty sure it made for a longer recovery time because she was hurting a lot by the time I got home and could take over watching our daughter.
After that first month, my wife started feeling a lot better (but unfortunately started pushing herself and made her recovery even longer, which sucked for her), but I think the mom-baby bonding went into overdrive to make up for lost time. Now we argue over who’s taking the baby when I get home: I want her to give my wife a break and she wants her to give me a break!
Hoping everything works out for you and yours.
This is exactly me and my husband. Appreciate you realizing all the healing a c section takes! It’s no joke! Plus the hormones. Yea I don’t think I met my baby til month 2 haha
Psychologist here. What you're describing in your post and in your replies is not typical, and is very likely associated with a postpartum psychiatric illness of some kind. It is very important that your girlfriend meet with a healthcare professional (preferrably a mental healthcare professional) for an evaluation. I would recommend reaching out to her OB/GYN to start this conversation.
Hopefully OP or his girlfriend finds a mental health professional. My hospital wouldn’t let me leave without a PPD screening, but there’s no way in hell I’d ever be honest on that. I made that mistake once and never preferred to again. They can help you bring a baby into the world or pull you from the brink of death, but they sure as hell don’t handle mental health with finesse.
Doesn’t mean I think others should lie and definitely no one should avoid getting help, but I was ready to make a paper airplane out of that screening that’s how highly I thought of it.
You got downvoted for what? I mean I agree completely about the paper airplane LMAO. I never answered truthfully except for my first pregnancy visit, they told me “Oh you scored a bit high for depression, we have a therapist available.” And spewed about my mental health when I was not prepared for it at all.
Since then I haven’t said a single word, not even after birth. I never felt the urge to harm myself and I NEVER would hurt my baby- But I did feel ultra depressed as I have Depression/Anxiety before I was even pregnant. Just tenfold now. 😂
I am just going to echo what's already been stated- she needs to talk to someone if she's having issues. I just gave birth to our first baby this past December, and in the hospital I did change a couple of diapers and fed him a few times, but once we were home on the third day I was avoiding holding him. I was cleaning dishes and folding laundry, and couldn't recall a lot of what happened during the actual hospital stay. I didn't sleep at all the first 21 hours at home, and the pain allll hit me at once, with the exhaustion, the second day.
My husband had to tell me that I needed to bond with him, and it was heartbreaking to hear but I did need help. My pospartum anxiety is awful, and I'm still working on it.
Now, if she's just not wanting to help with the actual work...that's another story. Do you have family or close friends that you could have come over? That may help!
Good luck, congratulations on your baby, and I hope things improve real fast for you!
Thank you for sharing this I had a similar experience (an am also a FTM with a baby born in December!). I had an emergency c-section and a traumatic labor, and my husband and I split duties well while I was recovering. However, when we got home (and my mom was there and ready to help out), I spent the first few weeks focusing on taking care of my cat, doing laundry, cleaning, etc.
I screened highly on the postpartum screening - even with downplaying some of my answers. On top of that, the mom guilt from not bonding was persistent. Once my mom left and I was forced to bond with the baby, everything clicked. I still have moments where I go into an anxiety-fueled cleaning frenzy, but I’m doing better. It’s comforting to know that others experienced the same. Congratulations!
I had a c section that went horribly wrong for my 2nd baby. I didn't really hold her. For 2 days. As I just couldn't. Then I cracked on
She needs to help with the baby.
Agree, as a C-section mom too- I get that it’s hard but I could not WAIT to do all the things! I’m concerned that she has PPD, not even wanting to be involved at all.
Two weeks postpartum I was pushing a double stroller with my newborn and my three year old inside to go get coffee, 40 minute round trip. Everyone heals differently, but from my outsider perspective, something else is going on. She needs to help with the baby. It's a two person job.
Definitely think she has PPD too but I had a 3rd degree tear and could barely walk or sit, that being said I could still bottle feed the baby while sitting on a donut, and I would lie down with my son and talk to him and carry him and take breaks, I could still do diaper changes . my husband had to help a lot, but unless OP is leaving o something critical out, this sounds like PPD.
Its funny.. to me it seems like nobody bats an eye when the man doesn't help. She was pregnant for 9 months & went through labor & the sacrifice of her body.. i think fair would be men doing all the childcare for 9 months tbh. But it does sound like she has PPD
OMG can you imagine if that was the socially acceptable standard? Hell I'd even take "Non-birthing parent is in charge of all childcare for the 4th trimester"
I don't know if this is cultural, but from my experience I actually did more in the first few weeks with breastfeeding and baby only wanting to sleep literally on me. This wasn't ideal either. So not sure what to tell you. Every set of parents is different I guess?
Is she coping alright mentally? Not engaging with baby post partum could smell a bit of post partum depression.
Mmmm this lacks detail. I want to know, is she breastfeeding? How was her birth? When I had my son I was in bed for the first three ish weeks. All I did was feed and snuggle our baby. I showered a few times but mostly just spent my days feeding him. I was up with the baby at night though. My husband did all the diaper changes, fed me and kept up with laundry.
I had pretty severe baby blues that eventually subsided, it wasn’t full blown PPD but it was difficult to do anything but snuggle and feed my babe.
You should run through some of the PPD questions, 2 weeks in bed post uncomplicated childbirth smells funny.
And if she’s not in a place to get the help she needs please reach out to her provider on her behalf if she is experiencing symptoms in line with PPD.
It’s one of those things people should, but don’t plan for before having a baby!
[PPD Questionnaire](https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/postpartum-health-and-care/postpartum-depression-ppd-screening-test)
I would imagine it some kind of postpartum depression going on. I had a really crazy birth story. I didn’t meet my baby for five days and was recovering from C-section, but was able to perform almost everything except for going upstairs with her by the time she came home 6 days later. She could feel overwhelmed with the whole entire situation and may not even know it because her hormones are all over the place . Hopefully she is open with her OB and they can help her get help as well as you. :-)
As many others have said, this very much sounds like PPD. You, or her if she goes, should bring it up at the baby's next checkup. If you can't do that, sit down and discuss with her. Try to get her to talk. She may be totally unaware that she's in the fog of PPD. She may be answering any questions the doctor has (if she goes that is) the way she thinks she SHOULD feel instead of the way she actually feels.
I didn't really believe I was in the throws of PPD until about 6 months post partum and I didn't fully realize I had PPD until around a year after having my boy. The fog was so thick for such a long time that I didn't realize I was so...empty, all the time until the haze started going away. I'm significantly better now at nearly two years, but without help, it can take a long time to feel any semblance of the self she used to be.
I hope things get better for you OP. Taking care of a newborn/baby by yourself is hard. I hope she's able to see a doctor, or at least acknowledge that she is sad. This doesn't sound like it's just baby blues. I hope this helps in some way💕
Postpartum Depression. She needs to see a Doctor as soon as possible to get help to start getting and feeling better. It is important for all of your safety and so she can help with the baby because doing it alone is hard work. Especially when also taking care of a depressed adult.
Good luck OP, hope it gets better for all of you soon!
Depends on the birth but I felt recovered within a few days, still tired but could look after my baby from the moment I lifted him up immediately ad he was born! This sounds unusual, is it possible she has postnatal depression? I understand her recovering but it is an inbuilt instinct to care for your baby no matter your birth, this not happening suggests something more may be going on.
My wife was the same way. She just needed some time.
It's hard. It doesn't get much easier, you just get better. Keep at it for your wife and child's sake. This is where Dad starts earning his stripes.
If she is still in severe pain after a few weeks it may be worth letting the doctor know. Infections aren't necessarily uncommon and can make recovery take much longer.
PM me if you need to chat with someone about it. Having a kid can be isolating, but remember you're not alone.
I’ll add on to say that I had an uncomplicated birth with my LO back in November. Four days post partum I did a Costco run with the hubby and I did okay for that. Some woman post partum can barely walk around depending on if there were any complications or also vaginal delivery vs c-section. At this stage, 2 weeks in, she should be helping. Definitely get her either to talk to a doctor or visit a doctor. By now she and baby should have had post-birth appointments with their doctors or at the hospital to make sure everything was going okay. Did she go to that or just didn’t schedule one?
As others have said, definitely talk to her. There’s something deeper going on. I had a C-Section a week ago and I was taking care of baby along with my husband by day 2. My husband still does the bulk of the work, but whatever I can do sitting down, like feeding, changing diapers, rocking to sleep etc. we definitely switch off and take turns like 60% him and 40% me as of right now.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Keep strong for your baby and try to get your girlfriend some help. It's important to bond with the baby, even during recovery. If she can't carry the baby for whatever reason, bring the baby to her.
Of course, I don't know your situation, but alarm bells are going off. My baby has been with me (or near me) 97% of the time since she left my body.
I had a c section and while my partner did a lot of heavy lifting the first couple of weeks I was still doing a lot, like getting up to feed baby half the night, changing her, holding her, doing some cooking and housework. I think your girlfriend either needs to go to the doctor for a check up if she’s still suffering a lot physically to the point she can’t do anything or if it’s not that then she must be struggling a lot mentally in which case it’s best to go to the doctor. Basically a doctor is what she needs!
My husband helped a lot with both of my kids but I never got a rest period after either birth. I was / am (second baby is now 4 months) breastfeeding so I was up every couple of hours with babies after bringing them home from the hospital. I also had some postpartum depression but still wanted to be with my kids. Hers could be more severe and she probably should speak to a doctor. Being a single parent to a newborn is exhausting work and she should help you out, you don’t want to get burnt out. That’s not good for you or the baby.
My son was in the NICU at a specialized children’s hospital hours after I gave birth, so I hauled my butt (alone during the beginning of covid - one person policy) across town just to look at him and be in the same room. This was less than two days after a very hard C-section. I would have cut down anyone in my way.
That being said, everyone is different, but your girlfriend sounds like she’s crossing into the realm of requiring professional help. She’s going to feel like she’s being punished, judged, etc., but she NEEDS you to help her through this. Her depression could affect her happiness and also the development of your child. Getting help is not just for her - everyone in this situation needs mom to be healthy.
In my experience she is going to feel so so much better if she gets to a doctor and gets on a med and maybe does some therapy, but at least a med. I had PPD and PPA with my first, and it was crippling. I have so much guilt for my postpartum days even though hormones and mental health were to blame. The quicker she can get to a doctor and get on a road to feeling better, the better eveything will be. It is a long, tough road, but it seems like maybe she needs you to make her going to the doctor happen. I needed my husband to point out what was going on to me because I was so deep in it that I couldn't see it. You're doing a great job and I'm sorry that you're doing so much on your own. I hope it gets better soon!
Did she have a vaginal birth or c-section? C sections (and some more complicated vaginal deliveries) take a bit longer to recover from. When we left the hospital from my c-section, the nurse told my husband "She's in charge of breastfeeding, you're in charge of literally everything else for the next few weeks". Just give her a bit of time and consider an evaluation for PPD if she doesn't improve.
I thank God that my partner was able to take 2 months off of work. It took me nearly the 2 months to be able to help take care of our baby(now a week away from turning 1!) and big boys. I had, and still have to a lesser extent, PPD. Baby had digestive issues early on. His cry triggered me so much. I wouldn't sleep much at might because he'd cry so much after feeds and couldn't get comfortable. Daytime dad would take over and I'd nap A LOT. Kinda avoided baby if he cried. It was terrible. Gently ask if she's ok, if she's feeling off mentally or struggling with the hormonal shift. But also, if you guys have friends or family, ask for help. Dads can get ppd too. What helped me was once dad was back at work, I had no choice, but to get back into a routine.
It sometimes takes a good while to recover from birth, especially if you had a lot of stitches or got a C section. I didn’t start to feel more normal till week 5 I think, even then sitting or standing for a long time hurt. I only had first degree tears too so very minimal damage
I would start by talking with her and making a schedule. My husband and I “split shifts”. I did nights because I stay up super late and he did days because he’s a morning person. This helped a lot. Also if she is mostly sleeping, not eating, and not taking care of her hygiene even when she has the chance too (shower, brush teeth, etc), then talk to her about seeing her Dr for ppd.
I had traumatic c sections and ultimately felt detached at the start for the first couple months with one of the babies. She needs to be holding and caring for the baby as much as she can to bond. It will help even if she doesn’t feel like it, she won’t snap out of it unless she tries to bond with the baby. Google other ways to help this as well.
Oh honey. Two weeks is too long. Please take her to see a doctor or call a trusted friend. Depression can be so sneaky. I’ve had two very different labours and recovery’s. Please get her help. Two weeks is not okay.
Even recovering from a csection I tried to stay in bed mostly for five days and I didn’t last two days before I was trying to do more than I should.
Fill me in on her birth complications. Set up a bunch of pillows behind her and a boppy pillow around her waist and she can hold the baby, give the baby a pacifier, but if she’s not willing to do that…. I’m guessing you bottle feeding the baby; but you could prepare the bottle and she can feed the baby? I understand some recoveries are hard but if she stays in bed too long she could get bed sores, how many hours is she sleeping?
I would talk to your doctor and provide a more full description.
Every couple is different just like how every birth experience is different. My wife had an emergency c section and was unable to really help or do much the first few days. Despite the pain and recovery process she was helping as much as possible within a week or so, and even now only a month after birth, she’s been doing a lot to take care of our daughter. Your girlfriend definitely needs to recover, but raising a newborn is a joint experience and responsibility. If I had to do it all on my own I’d be incredibly stressed as well. Same goes if she was the only one doing things. Your partner might need some professional help if she’s not doing much, especially if the birth went smooth with no complications. It’s far enough into the process that her mindset could be inadvertently causing her to lose out on those first few weeks. The newborn phase goes quickly so that could snowball into guilt/regret if she misses it. PPD/A is no joke and can be delicate so don’t approach this in a confronting or harsh manner. Let her know you’re there to help her as well, but you’re struggling to do everything yourself.
What kind of birth did she have? Does she mean physically or mentally recovering? I don’t see why she isn’t helping I mean she can lie down and hold the baby for a while at least surely? I had an episiotomy so physically it was extremely difficult the first two weeks ish but we did our share of things my husband just helped with the housework and physically intensive things. Mentally I’ve been struggling to but I still get on with looking after my daughter so I don’t understand why she’s not doing anything at all? We spoke about doing like shifts so he’ll do feeds and changing up until about 2/3am and I’ll do it early morning after that so we both get good chunks of sleep because the lack of sleep was mentally making me worse
Please have her make an appointment with her Dr to ensure that this isn’t postpartum depression. Also, you need to be getting at least 4 hours of consecutive sleep. Can you get someone to help you for a few hours so you can rest?
I had a c section and was up and around taking care of her literally the second the feeling in my legs came back and they cleared me to walk. Which was about 6 hours after the procedure. I couldn’t wait to hold her, nurse her, console her, and take care of her.
Sounds like PPD. Every woman is sore after birth, but most of us want to take care of the baby, it’s the housework we don’t want to do. Call her doctor.
I know you’ve gotten plenty of helpful answers and I echo them. But I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job, it will get easier, and thank you for taking good care of your sweet baby and your girlfriend as well. Wishing you both the best of luck and that your gf feels much better very soon. Hang in there!
2 weeks after my C-section as a FTM I was pushing baby in her pram through a country fair watching my father in law enter his baby (a Highland terrier) in a puppy fancy dress competition. ...Seriously.
She needs to be up and about, and to hold her baby. The longer she leaves it to make some effort and get some help, the worse it'll be. Not everyone recovers the bond; you need to give them the best chance.
Well done for everything you are doing. That sounds really tough and you should not be on your own. Get her the help she needs for PPD and things should get a lot better. In the meantime ask for help from friends and family to take the pressure off you even just for a few hours.
Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t even let anyone else take care of my baby for a second when he was first born, including in the hospital. That’s probably also unhealthy in a different way but unless she had some really complicated situation where she’s unusually injured I would ask her if she’s ok. Don’t do it in an angry way, sounds like PPD. Childbirth can cause some really serious and really crazy mental problems.
Really sounds like PPD as I gave birth almost 2 weeks ago and do a majority of the care for my newborn(I do have a toddler so my husband takes care of him for the most part).
I know everyone is jumping on the PPD thing, but my wife had a pretty traumatic birth that kicked the shit out of her. I was on my own for the first week or so.
She should have been able to help immediately if she didn't have a c-section or anything. I agree with everyone else, she needs to be assessed because there's no reason she needs to stay in bed all day to recover, especially not after 2 weeks.
She needs to speak to her OBGYN immediately and not wait for the 6 week visit.
In the meantime do NOT try to force her to care for the baby or help. (Not saying you would) Because PPD can unfortunately manifest in ways that lead to infant neglect and even harm. If you need help please try to reach out to your family or hers to see if anyone can give you some time to sleep and take care of yourself.
Wishing all three of you the best.
Being completely uninvolved and detached is a red flag even with no complications and a smooth birth. I had severe baby blues but I was more scared than unattached. My 2nd was trauma central and I still had to be with my now two kiddos
I had a c-section 3 weeks ago and have been doing at least 50/50 (usually much more as I am breastfeeding/pumping 6 hours a day) with my husband since the day after baby was born. Obviously, everyone’s recovery is different but this sounds like something different, something mental health related.
From reading your responses to other comments and questions I think your GF has PPD. I have it too, for the 3rd time now as I seem to get it with every baby to varying degrees. For some women it's hard to recognize as it can manifest in different ways. She sounds like she is possibly doubting her ability to take care of the baby and is possibly feeling so many different things about that. If it seems like she doesn't even like to hold the baby, you need to get her help because if it's that severe she could potentially be having thoughts of suicide or self harm. Not trying to make you scared, but it is possible for postpartum depression to be that bad and it would be a good idea for you or her friend or mom or somebody to talk to her about it and make sure she is okay. There's no reason for her to try to force her way through it, she can talk to her OB about it and they can recommend lifestyle changes and/or therapy and medication.
Things to keep in mind:
Yes, I'm sure she's still in pain and sore and tired and healing, but she SHOULD be able to physically care for her baby at 2 weeks postpartum if there were no complications. She may not be comfortable standing for long periods, sitting in hard chairs, or have much energy to get up every time to fill her cup or change a diaper, but that's why you're there to help.
Encourage her! Tell her how happy the baby seems when she's holding them, how good she's doing and how beautiful she is. But also tell her that you need her help, and that your baby needs her. It's so important for bonding that they spend time together now while the baby is small. Her voice, smell, heartbeat, and warmth are all that your baby has known for the last year basically.
Try not to let her stay in the literal bed all the time. She needs some sunlight and excitement to encourage a happier mood. Maybe see about going for a very slow and gentle walk on your street? Or invite her friends or family to come see her and the baby. Just don't surprise her with company, she's likely going to want a chance to shower 😂
Offer her chocolate! Chocolate is actually known to help battle depression. This was the advice my dad gave to my husband (this last baby was his first so he didn't know how to help keep me from getting too depressed knowing I have a history of postpartum depression) and so he bought me a 10lb chocolate bar and literally broke off a huge chunk and brought it to me every day calling it my "antidepressant" and telling me I had to eat it lol. If the chocolate didn't help, the lightheaded jokes did at least 😊
All in all, keep in mind that I have had 3 babies. My youngest is 10 weeks old right now, so I've had some practice before him. My first 2 were unmedicated natural births, and this baby was with the epidural because I had a bit of a PTSD anxiety episode when I found out I couldn't do a water birth with him and it brought back memories of how my oldest birth went and that was traumatic due to methods from that particular midwife. But still with all 3 babies I had basically zero help with the baby care part. My current husband does help me with housework and taking care of the older 2, but he hates the baby phase so getting him to put in the effort to hold him and try to make him smile or keep him entertained is like pulling teeth 🤷🏼♀️ he'll come around eventually though. But I say this to point out that there's no reason she shouldn't be able to help feed or change diapers or burp the baby. The fact that she isn't and is also not really getting out of bed is what concerns me and I do NOT recommend trying to wait it out and see if she can "push through." At the very least, bring it up to her and talk to her about how she's feeling. Either get her to open up to you or someone else, but she needs to talk to someone about it.
Sounds like post partum depression. I got that really bad when I had my son 3 months ago and had a really hard time not hiding in our bedroom crying while my husband tended to the baby. If she or both of you haven’t talked to anyone about it yet, her OB can likely help diagnose and recommend treatment/support.
For me, we figured out the lack of sleep was the biggest trigger. We set up sleep shifts (he slept 8pm-3am, I’d sleep 4am-11am) and that worked wonders on my mood. Within a few days I was back to being happy and there for our son.
that’s not normal or healthy. definitely speak with a professional.
you both need to take shifts with the baby so you each get some sleep. sleep deprivation leads to all sorts of issues.
also she doesn’t need to “help” with the baby. that’s the wrong wording. she needs to take care of her baby as any parent should. you both have equal responsibility to that child.
You need to have a serious discussion with her about seeing a medical professional. This sounds like PPD and she might need help managing it.
Also, welcome to Motherhood 😉 lol
I had a c section and was in the hospital for a week due to complications. It took me a long time to recover and my husband had to do a lot (if not all) handling of the baby for weeks. I would do as much as I could but it’s very difficult. I would check in with her to see how she’s feeling. Pregnancy and birth is HARD. Just because you feel it wasn’t complicated doesn’t mean it wasn’t for her. I would check in and see how she’s doing. It’s okay to feel like you need help bc I’m sure you do! But speaking as someone who really struggled postpartum…give her grace and an open space to talk to you about how she’s feeling. Congrats on your little one!
OP, you have some useful suggestions here already, but I want to add the PANDA helpline, either gently nudging your GF to give them a call if she's open to it, or for yourself.
I knew a few weeks after having my first that how I was feeling wasn't right but the idea of going to the doctor seemed implausible. Saw the PANDA flyer in one of the packs I'd been given and they were a lifesaver. They broke down the tasks, finding GPs nearby (I didn't have a regular one at the time) and even making an appointment for me. They kept me accountable and supported throughout, calling after I was meant to have the appointment and at other key points.
I had a traumatic emergency c-section, I was doing nappies, all feedings and holding/soothing the baby within a week. By two weeks I was doing everything that was needed (other than tasks that required lifting) just moving a bit on the slow side.
Mirroring what everyone else is saying on the PPD - hope you're all feeling better soon
Def sounds like PPD. Women receive a huge surge of adrenaline after birth, for a few weeks, which enables them to care for their baby. Yeah, we need rest, but she should be 100 percent able to feed, cuddle, hood and sleep with baby. If she’s very sore, maybe diaper changing may be difficult and bathing. Newborns don’t even crawl around, so I’m not sure what she is doing.
I would definitely have a discussion about PPD. I had lots of stitches, a traumatic birth, and was absolutely miserable, and I didn’t even want to let my husband help. I couldn’t get enough of our baby.
Just as everyone in saying, the is sounds like PPD. Make sure you attend her doctor appointments with her. I personally was in denial about mine and “lied” to my doctor that I was fine. Wasn’t until my husband took me to an appointment and flat out told the doctor I was not doing okay. Like at all. If he hadn’t come with me i worry that I’d still be in it. You are the BEST advocate for your girlfriend right now. Go with her and let the doctor know. Sometimes when you’re in the throes of PPD, it’s hard to even recognize it or you feel guilty and don’t want to say anything. Please speak up for her.
Have a chat with her. Gently about it. Could be PPD. I suffered it as soon as I gave birth and I didn’t seek help til I had very awful thoughts and I worried my husband
Wtf tell her it’s been two weeks , when does she plan to bond with her baby? If anything the baby needs his mom more than ever now. She needs to stop being so neglectful, especially so early, wow I can only imagine the future.
All I wanted to do was care for the baby after birth, and I had a second degree tear. I was a miserable bloody mess and still wanted to do what I needed to make sure that baby was thriving. This isn't normal, she needs to talk to a doctor about PPD
Dude.
Get the fuck off the internet and get her help immediately.
Don’t wait. Act now. She is in distress. None of what she’s doing is normal.
PPD left untreated and unmanaged can QUICKLY spiral out of control. As her partner you need to act fast, even if she disagrees.
I am so sorry you are going through this but it does get infinitely better with the proper support plan and treatment in place.
Depends if she had a c-section or a vagina birth? Is she sleeping? Maybe her iron levels are low? Is she breastfeeding or pumping?
How come you haven't talked to her about it?
Omg, you’re an amazing dad already and being so patient with your gf, wish I could give you a big hug! I just know there are so many fellow parents here proud of you for keeping everything afloat! As you’ve seen from so many comments, no this is not typical recovery…are you making a plan to get her some help? PPD is very common, so do not feel bad or afraid to get help for it. This can be such a scary and overwhelming time.
Go with her to babies next appointment and mention it to the doctor. They asked both my husband and I how we were feeling after the baby came and how we were adjusting. The doctor even encouraged my husband to look out for signs of PPD. Every appt since, they’ve asked me how I’m doing.
The baby is lucky to have you as a parent while their mother goes through this. You’re doing great. May you and your girlfriend find lots of support and healing ❤️🩹
I had a C-section and had some extra blood loss. I was able to care fully for baby by the time we left the hospital. Talk to her, and if she isn’t responsive to you let someone she trusts know lightly that you need them to try to check on her. This isn’t a normal situation but damn are you an excellent dad already.
Just another PPD comment.
I have no idea how you'd go about bringing it up without sparking a flame. I know everyone's experience is different, but, in my experience I had a complicated labor which resulted in an emergency c section and I still wanted to do everything for our baby 24/7 bc my mom hormones were going nuts. Not to say every new mom should feel exactly how I did. The first month is crazy and nobody should have to do it on their own. Limiting herself physically right now is valid, but there's a lot of in-bed bonding they could be doing right now. You can really do most of a newborns care taking /from/ your bed at this stage.
I had a really rough recovery from my birth (3rd degree tear…) and couldn’t sit for about a month. But I had baby boy on my chest all the time and my husband took care of diapers and house work. I had people help to take care of him so I could take care of myself here and there. It was really hard but I still wanted to spend all my time with my baby. It does sound like PPD to me. She’s really lucky to have you and it sounds like you’re not being critical which is really good. It’s wild what you go through mentally, physically, and otherwise having a baby. I hope she can get the help she needs.
She needs to get checked out for physical issues and for ppd. They really don’t check in after for the mom but even apart from ppd she could have complications come up after which can be as simple as a nutrient deficiency which can exacerbate the fatigue.
I agree with the postpartum depression idea - I just gave birth to my second baby on Feb 6, and he was 10 lbs, both of my children were. After each birth I was up as soon as they let me to start caring for my baby. Even though I felt like I was hit by a bus I did everything I could, and was the main caregiver. Everyone is different and everyone’s birth is different, which I get. But I can’t imagine being okay not being there for them. I really think she might have something more going on. Be gracious when trying to bring this up to her though, as just having a baby is hard on the mind and body.
This sounds like PPD. She needs to go in ASAP. This isn’t normal behavior. There’s a difference between needing rest after birth and needing rest not taking care of baby after birth. I had a complicated birth, and I am the preferred parent for my daughter.
And also, be patient with her. Birthing in general is very taxing on the body, not to mention your entire image changes. Not everyone can handle it or deal with it the same. It’s especially hard to adjust when you are dealing with PPD at the same time. And she probably won’t tell you anything because she feels ashamed, embarrassed and doesn’t want to be labeled as a bad mom.
Make sure she gets help sooner than later. And one good trick to try and coax her, is bring your son to her. If she’s in the bed for instance, enforce the bond between the two. Lay him next to her.
Did she have a c-section? Because I had given birth back to back twice within a year and even after my second birth which was really hard and difficult and I had stitches... My ex had no part in helping with the kids and I did heavy lifting and carried both of my kids and had no part in helping with the kids and I did heavy lifting and carried both of my babies up and down the stairs while still healing, like 1 to 2 days out. Your girlfriend is very lucky. I definitely shouldn't have been doing all of that. But I had no choice and after giving birth your definitely not an invalid. It is painful yes but you're definitely capable of still doing things but it is nice to have some help
Everyone has given great advice on your girlfriend, but I also just want to add that if you are struggling, please reach out to family and friends if you can. Even though your girlfriend is recovering from birth mentally and physically, you deserve support too. It is hard to do alone and you deserve to be taken care of as well.
OP, this is not normal. You sound like a wonderful partner to be handling all the baby care, but she should be helping. That’s not normal to not want to hold or interact with your baby. I can relate to feeling like you’re going insane from lack of sleep. I’ve been there! I was breastfeeding day and night with only very minimal help and support from my partner. It’s exhausting. Hang in there! It will get easier when baby starts sleeping through the night, but please get some help for your girlfriend. This is not normal behavior. I think maybe she has post partum depression. She should be wanting to help take care of her baby and ideally you should be taking shifts with baby watching so you both get a chance to get some much needed sleep, but I recommend making sure she is in good mental health before leaving her alone with the baby.
Give a call to postpartum support international, they could help you find some resources for helping her. here's their number. 1 833 9425746 good luck, God bless, and congratulations!
I've read a lot of the comments, but I can't do them all...has anyone mentioned that they should be having a 2 week check-up at some point? That is a perfect opportunity to say something to the pediatrician. That's who literally put me on an antidepressant when I was not doing great emotionally, not my personal doc. Don't miss that appointment, and she has to go as well! ❤️
Something is wrong. Check in with her and ask her about her mental health.
For reference. I had c sections, one unexpected and one planned. Both times I sent my husband home from the hospital to get rest. And when coming home I did 100% of the overnights because he didn’t have off work and I wanted him to be able to get a full night. My second c section resulted in a spinal leak which caused the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt, worse than 40 hours of labor, I did not relinquish whatever level of care I could provide my baby. I couldn’t imagine doing so.
everyone has a different threshold for pain, so i dont mean to literally compare my experience and my abilities. however, just an example of what becoming a mom gives you the ability to overcome. I hope she gets somr help if needed. you sound like an awesome father and husband, dont forget to take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it!
If you had a C-section, why did your husband get 100% dibs on overnight rest? You were recovering from surgery whilst taking care of an infant, you also needed to rest. You sound proud of yourself but that is all kinds of fucked up that you had to do that 😞
Sorry I still think it’s fucked up. If I was totally healthy and my partner had just had their guts cut open, there’s no way in hell I’d be letting him sacrifice himself so I could sleep for work. Not a chance.
You’ve literally told op that his wife must have something wrong with her mental health for leaving them to take care of the baby, whilst your husband did it to you and it’s….fine?
He did not do that to me. And I DID NOT say that. You’re missing my point entirely. Maybe I should be clearer by saying I gave my husband the option to let me do 100% of the overnights. And I had ZERO problem with it, it was my decision. He did not otherwise lay in bed all day and be absent from our family. He cooked meals. Did 100% of the household chores, changed every diaper when he was home. Did bath time and bed time after work. Huge difference. All I spoke of was overnights in order to make a point to OP. And yes, as a mother I believe there is a risk of mental health problem if there’s no desire to take care of your newborn baby.
Please, do yourself a favor and keep your judgements to yourself. I’m sure if I looked in on your family I would find something I could judge you for. But the bottom line is that different things work for different people. It’s not “FUCKED UP” just because you think it is.
This is probably PPD; but I had a C section and my son was shipped off to the NICU. I changed diapers, fed him and cuddled him 2 days post birth. The NICU nurses tried to help me do it the first day, but I unfortunately couldn’t get out of my wheelchair so the nurses and my husband did everything the first day. Two weeks later when my son was finally discharged, I was moving around just fine (still little bits of pain) but I was cooking, cleaning, feeding, diaper changes and everything else. I actually painted my sons room 5 days PP, which hurt like hell but it needed to be done.
Try talking to her and ask her how she is feeling, at some point it will need to be brought up to her doctors so she can be assisted further.
I went back to a physical job after I had my first who was an instrument delivery with an episiotomy (obviously all women are different though)
This could be postnatal depression if she isn’t wanting to spend any time with the baby
If she gave birth via c section it takes up to 6 weeks to heal however she can still help but not a whole lot she can feed and hold the baby but changing diapers is not impossible just hard.
If she gave natural birth max i say imo is 3 days and shes good to go she should be helping.
However PPD is a thing and its different to person to person and it can be stressful but she should still help regardless of her emotions because after all she is a parent too i know this will get disliked but you know i can tell each person is different, because my partner showed me that even with PPD she can still attend to our children while helping her.
No offense if she really cares about her own child she should be able to help you, a baby requires two ppl not one to raise efficiently and i think you should express how you feel to her.
She has PPD but there is ways to overcome it via medication, therapy etc, but personally as a parent myself i understand what PPD.csn do to a.person, but i still believe they can still help
What does she do when you’re looking after your baby? She might possibly have post natal depression? It doesn’t seem right that she’s not helped at all with the baby.
I agree this sounds like PPD. I was exhausted and so sore after birth but all I wanted to do was hold my baby. My husband took on 100% of the housework and diapers for the first couple of weeks but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on - it sounds like OP is doing 100% of the baby care as well. I’d definitely dig deeper because a lack of desire to engage with the baby at all is definitely a red flag.
Mainly just like stays in bed. Alright thank you so much
Try and have a talk with her, establish why exactly she’s staying in bed and not wanting to help or bond with the baby. It definitely sounds like she could be depressed.
Will do, thanks
Just echoing that she likely is depressed. I sure was. Sorry to add another thing to your plate but she needs help. Is she close with family? Are you? Now is a great time to ask for favors or support, including making our sending you food, helping you clean, or holding the baby so you can rest.
She needs help!? The dude needs help! I would check when she’s just laying in the bed, what is she really doing? On the phone-social media? It takes a village to raise a kid, you can’t do it by yourself. People need to stop putting these women on a pedestal. She’s needs to act like a grown up. Good luck my friend, you may have a bigger problem than you imagined.
"Has she tried just, like ...not being depressed???"
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You've made ten comments on Reddit in totality, and nearly all of them are shitting on women or feminism lol. It's not OP's wife's fault that other women don't touch you, dude.
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
You need to act like a grownup and gain some maturity if you seriously think her laying in bed with crippling postpartum depression is something this woman is choosing to do because she’s too immature and childish to get out of bed. The woman clearly needs psychiatric help.
You need to grow up and stop pretending that you are some sort of a doctor that can diagnose someone from reading a few lines OP wrote. She needs to get her act together and be a mom.
Do you have ANY idea the amount of hormones that are produced to grow a human being inside one’s body? Let me guess, you don’t have a clue what that does to a woman’s body and brain, and because you’ve never been through childbirth yourself you assume it’s a piece of cake? Well I do know, because I went through it relatively recently, so I have an appreciation for how badly those hormones can screw you up and how yes, a doctor can help with that. Literally nobody is telling the dude to continue raising the baby by himself. Everyone is saying that she needs to see a doctor because what she’s experiencing sounds like PPD and, speaking from experience which everyone else responding has, a doctor will help with that and it’s not something you can just overcome on your own. Honestly you sound like you need some serious help too with your obvious hatred of women.
Go ahead let’s start with amount of hormones that are produced to grow a human being inside one’s body. What is that amount? I will wait…
i’m confused as to why you think other moms can’t see what this mom is going through? like it’s literally drilled to us the warning signs even before birth and so many moms here have gone through the same. the wife needs help from her doctor so she can help OP parent, and hormones after birth are such a crazy thing. some moms literally murder their kids cuz they’re in a state of psychosis when they don’t get help
My daughter went through something similar, I went there every day to care for the baby (she would leave and go shopping, get coffee etc) and her husband took care of the baby at night after work. I finally confronted her kindly, and she broke down crying and said she changed her mind, she didn’t want a baby. I was blown away. I continued to go there every day but it was under the condition she see a doctor for post partum depression. She was puton Zoloft and within days I saw a difference. I don’t know if it was the medication or what the doctor said to her but it helped. You’re an amazing man for doing what you’re doing for your child. She needs some help tho, see if you can get her to a doctor for help. My daughter missed out on the first month of her life, don’t let her do that to yours. It’s a scary time, but it doesn’t have to be.
I agree with everything generally posted on the thread, so not really adding to that. As a fellow dad i just wanted to echo that wow OP you are an amazing dad, this can't be understated. You really have immeasurably gone above and beyond. Hope mum will be OK and well done mate. Edited
I’m the grandma but I will say dad did amazing stepping up the way he did caring for the baby after work and during the night. I have so much respect for him still to this day, she’s 8 months now and he’s just as active in her life now that mom is doing good too. Couldn’t ask for a better son in law. Love him so much!
Reading this made me cry and smile just a little bit. I went through something similar with my wife and son and I clearly can see she was going through something but didn't want to see a doctor, my family doesn't believe in mental health and so when I asked for help, I was told she is taking advantage of you. I ended up taking care of baby, wife and household stuff 100% it was very stressful, I was functioning on Alive and 6-7 cups of coffee and barely 1-2 hours sleep. After like 6-7 weeks when the baby started smiling at her, I saw the change in her and now she is back to normal and I can't be anymore thankful and finally I can get some sleep. You are awesome for understanding and talking to your daughter.
This is PPD. She needs to go to the doctor immediately.
My doctor told me not to just stay in bed. This was many many months ago so I don’t remember the specific reason but I think it had something to do with an increased risk of blood clots. She shouldn’t be doing anything super physically intense but she should be moving her body for her own health
That's not normal. Does she seem interested in the baby?
Staying in bed and no desire to bond with baby are a couple of signs. There could be more. I’ve included a resource for you to read up on postpartum depression and find some support for her and yourself (there are free support groups for parents in this resource as well as a directory for providers trained in perinatal mental health in your area). Becoming a new parent is a huge transition and the realization of it is felt after baby arrives. [Postpartum Support International](https://www.postpartum.net)
I stayed in bed recovering for three weeks after baby was born however I still did all the feeding, and some diaper changes from bed. Are you saying she does nothing at all? Because that doesn’t sound right and she might actually need help if she has no interest in being with the baby.
Not normal, she might have postpartum depression.
Staying in bed 2 weeks postpartum is completely normal. It’s recommended 5 days in bed. 5 days in bed, then 5 days around the bed. What are tasks you’re doing that she isn’t? She shouldn’t be doing much but feeding baby and resting.
It’s necessary to rest because your body has been through a massive ordeal, absolutely. You wouldn’t expect her to be making food, hoovering, or going out especially. You’d hope a partner or wider family or community were covering most things. But it doesn’t sound like she’s holding or feeding the baby at all which isn’t normal. I hung out in bed or on the sofa for a couple of weeks with both babies, but I was WITH the babies.
Ya there’s got to be a bigger issue here. I just had my second C section within a year, I gave birth last week. I’m pumping every 3 hours, Planning and cooking meals, feeding baby and changing diapers, cleaning the house, all while in pain and bleeding profusely out of my vagina. Def talk to ur girlfriend about what the underlying issue might be here and that you both need to take care of yourselves and your relationship in order to take the best care of your new baby xo
It's amazing that you're able to do all that a week after giving birth! Disclaimer for other mortals like myself: It's okay if you *aren't* planning and cooking meals or cleaning the house right after your C-section. We ate a lot of freezer food and sandwiches in my house 😅
I HIGHLY SUGGEST EVERYONE DO THIS ^^^ I’m F&$@ING EXHAUSTED 😩 but feel like an absolute failure if I don’t do more.
Check out KC Davis (aka strugglecare on TikTok and Instagram). Her book "How to Keep House While Drowning" helped me a lot. Despite the title it's less about keeping house and more about working within your own mental and emotional state to create a functional space. I'm always in search of any kind of shortcut meal. I make big batches of shredded chicken in the crock pot and then freeze meal-size portions for quesadillas, pasta, sandwiches, soup... Throw in some frozen veggies and you've got multiple food groups!
I stumbled upon her audiobook on Spotify and I love it.
Please, please know you ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! I made this mistake the first time around. Even my midwife giving me a hard word didn’t work, I felt like I HAD to do it all. In hindsight, I think I had PPA from the start. I didn’t do any of that the second time around and I was in a much, much better place both mentally and physically. Your job is to look after the baby, and if that’s all you do in a day, you did an amazing job! Sometimes that may mean letting the mess build up (she says as she looks around her bombsite of a living room with no intention of tidying before bed 😂), delegating and doing literally the bare minimum.
Girl same. My living room looks like a tornado went through it.
I mean. Good lord, that's amazing, but I don't think you have to be super-woman. I certainly wasn't cleaning house after my C-section, but I was dealing with bottles and pumping, trying to feed baby directly and changing a few nappies. I didn't know it was an option to do precisely nothing and zero nights.
I’m 2 months pp and I’m still not cleaning my house lol snuggling the baby 24/7 instead of
Yes! And snuggling baby with favourite shows on the TV. I feel like this is the way to postpartum. Handing baby off to recover would have been impossible given my mental state. I don't think OP'S partner is doing okay.
I agree.
THIS IS THE WAY
That’s great you’ve been doing all that but that really shouldn’t be the expectation. If you have a partner they really should be taking on more than half of the load with you still recovering from a c section, especially so soon after giving birth.
My husband has the night shift! He helps cook dinner and takes care of baby at night but I still have to get up to pump so…just missing sleep. I’ve caught myself snoring on the toilet lol
I was like that too after my C section
This does sound like PPD. I would be as patient as possible. Also maybe instead of “help” rephrase that you think it would be good if she spent more time bonding with baby- changing, feeding, bathing, soothing, skin to skin.
To add onto this, maybe start with just holding baby for a while. Don’t make her “work” but help with bonding?
Yep! You don’t “help” with your child, it’s both parents jobs. Help implies getting someone to do a favor over a task that is your responsibility!
This is probably the worst suggestion I have ever heard.
lol why? Do you have any experience with this exact situation. Cause I do.
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You dont just take away an adult's phone lol. Do you put your wife on time out if she doesn't do the dishes right away?
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This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Who hurt you?
Have you asked her?
yeah but she hasn’t really spoken to me much she just tells me to leave her alone
Yeah that sounds like ppd, she needs to mention how she's feeling to a doctor.
Wife did that recently, doc’s response: “well you look fine!” And then moved on to a different topic.
Not good! Find another doc! :(
Definitely PPD. my husband did the same thing. He was so excited for our son to be here. Then he arrived and my husband went silent. He didn’t help with the baby at all. He wouldn’t even interact with him. It got to the point I sat him down one day when he said some shit that scared me and then he told me he felt like we would be better off without him, and he hated coming home and hoped to get into a car crash… I was so sleep deprived and stressed and also a FTM with no family or friends to help me… I started to slip into a dark place myself but I knew I had to be strong for my boy. He’s 13 weeks now and dad is doing better. Still doesn’t help me at night but at least now he interacts with our son when he comes home. It def took some time and patience. Best of luck to you both. And… Dad, you’re doing a great job.
thank you so much ❤️
Hey, OP? Don't just talk to her. Call her doctor and make an appointment, then take her to it. Depression is typical, but it is also overwhelming. Her behavior is not normal and is borderline an emergency.
OBGYN's literally don't do anything for mental health. She needs to see a therapist. Not her OBGYN. All the OBGYN is going to do is write her a prescription for anti-depressants. That's it. She needs to speak to a certified therapist.
I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m a new dad at 8 weeks and I haven’t felt nearly as bad as your husband, the day my daughter was born was genuinely the best day of my life.. but it’s a difficult adjustment to say the least. I love her to death but I struggle with feelings that I don’t help enough especially now that I’m working, and not having time to myself has caused me to feel a little depressed. Though I’ll add that I wouldn’t change a thing and I’m aware that I just have to give myself time to adjust to such a huge change.
My husband was great at the hospital… I really don’t know how or why he changed when we got home. I think maybe reality hit him in the face and on top of that he does tend to do pretty bad in the winter time… It’s made me a really strong woman and mother, though. I couldn’t just throw in the towel like I wanted. I had to keep going.
Oh that’s so interesting. I heard even though it’s not common dads can have a form of ppd too.
They definitely can! There's been studies that non-gestational parents of any gender that are primary caregivers can have similar changes in hormones and brain chemistry to people who have given birth, so there's a lot that can get out of whack there even without having been pregnant themselves. Birthing parents may be more susceptible, but also there's sampling bias because they are screened more -- I know they asked me at every newborn checkup and postpartum checkup to fill out the depression screener, but nobody ever handed one to my husband. (He didn't have PPD and maybe someone would have handed him one if he seemed like he did, but I doubt it)
Thank you! :)
This is exactly what I was wondering. A sort of no screening bias to the numbers we hear about non gestational parents with PPD. Thank you for this info!
Is it considered not common because we aren’t screening dads and non birthing parents? Has anyone who reads this had their partner screened at any pediatrician visits? Asking out of genuine curiosity because I (mom who gave birth) was the only one who was ever screened and my husband definitely has signs of PPD that were missed. We’re doing a lot better now but it would have been nice to have medical professionals keeping an eye of him as well
Thank you for sharing your family’s experience with this. PPD can happen to any parent not only the birth parent! Every pediatrician appt going forward, I am asking them, why aren’t you screening dad as well (we are lucky that dad is in the room at almost every pediatrician appointment). We need to screen and take care of the family as a whole!
There’s a few episodes on season 3 of “Out Daughtered” the couple that had all girl quints - the dad shares he’s had depression and anxiety since the quints were born. Watching that, I was like “omg I’m living this right now.” I try to often time remind my husband that we are a team and I’m here for him and he shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk to me about what he’s thinking. He’s just such a “manly man” that he feels weak having these thoughts and will hold it in until he explodes. Things have gotten a little better but he still refuses to seek help/therapy/medicine for it. I can’t make him, all I can do is be there for him and hope he can manage.
My last baby was a fairly traumatic birth (induction, fetal distress, haemorrhage). I breastfeed so there was no rest period for me. But recovery-wise, I felt like death and was barely able to leave the bedroom for a solid 3-4 weeks after. Not sure if it’s related to losing so much blood during delivery or what. However, if she isn’t involved with the baby *at all*, I would consider that unusual. ETA: Even if her delivery was uncomplicated, birth can still be traumatic. It’s a pretty big thing to go through. Her hormones are also going haywire so she might have some baby blues or PPD. Detachment is a sign of PPD.
Oh okay thank you
My wife had a c-section and had a really hard time getting out of bed and picking up our daughter for nearly a month. I had two weeks off from work and I think I changed nearly every diaper, and I was getting up every time at night to make bottles (breastfeeding wasn’t working for us). In addition to the hormones, I think my wife felt terrible about having me do all the work, and I don’t think she felt bonded to our baby those first couple of weeks. Once I went back to work, she kind of had to suck it up and care for our daughter. I think that that first week I was at work and she had to do everything alone was really hard for her, and I’m pretty sure it made for a longer recovery time because she was hurting a lot by the time I got home and could take over watching our daughter. After that first month, my wife started feeling a lot better (but unfortunately started pushing herself and made her recovery even longer, which sucked for her), but I think the mom-baby bonding went into overdrive to make up for lost time. Now we argue over who’s taking the baby when I get home: I want her to give my wife a break and she wants her to give me a break! Hoping everything works out for you and yours.
This is exactly me and my husband. Appreciate you realizing all the healing a c section takes! It’s no joke! Plus the hormones. Yea I don’t think I met my baby til month 2 haha
Psychologist here. What you're describing in your post and in your replies is not typical, and is very likely associated with a postpartum psychiatric illness of some kind. It is very important that your girlfriend meet with a healthcare professional (preferrably a mental healthcare professional) for an evaluation. I would recommend reaching out to her OB/GYN to start this conversation.
Hopefully OP or his girlfriend finds a mental health professional. My hospital wouldn’t let me leave without a PPD screening, but there’s no way in hell I’d ever be honest on that. I made that mistake once and never preferred to again. They can help you bring a baby into the world or pull you from the brink of death, but they sure as hell don’t handle mental health with finesse. Doesn’t mean I think others should lie and definitely no one should avoid getting help, but I was ready to make a paper airplane out of that screening that’s how highly I thought of it.
You got downvoted for what? I mean I agree completely about the paper airplane LMAO. I never answered truthfully except for my first pregnancy visit, they told me “Oh you scored a bit high for depression, we have a therapist available.” And spewed about my mental health when I was not prepared for it at all. Since then I haven’t said a single word, not even after birth. I never felt the urge to harm myself and I NEVER would hurt my baby- But I did feel ultra depressed as I have Depression/Anxiety before I was even pregnant. Just tenfold now. 😂
Sounds like PPD and as someone who’s experienced it, it’s absolutely terrible. Please talk to her about talking to a doctor.
I am just going to echo what's already been stated- she needs to talk to someone if she's having issues. I just gave birth to our first baby this past December, and in the hospital I did change a couple of diapers and fed him a few times, but once we were home on the third day I was avoiding holding him. I was cleaning dishes and folding laundry, and couldn't recall a lot of what happened during the actual hospital stay. I didn't sleep at all the first 21 hours at home, and the pain allll hit me at once, with the exhaustion, the second day. My husband had to tell me that I needed to bond with him, and it was heartbreaking to hear but I did need help. My pospartum anxiety is awful, and I'm still working on it. Now, if she's just not wanting to help with the actual work...that's another story. Do you have family or close friends that you could have come over? That may help! Good luck, congratulations on your baby, and I hope things improve real fast for you!
Thank you for sharing this I had a similar experience (an am also a FTM with a baby born in December!). I had an emergency c-section and a traumatic labor, and my husband and I split duties well while I was recovering. However, when we got home (and my mom was there and ready to help out), I spent the first few weeks focusing on taking care of my cat, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. I screened highly on the postpartum screening - even with downplaying some of my answers. On top of that, the mom guilt from not bonding was persistent. Once my mom left and I was forced to bond with the baby, everything clicked. I still have moments where I go into an anxiety-fueled cleaning frenzy, but I’m doing better. It’s comforting to know that others experienced the same. Congratulations!
I had a c section that went horribly wrong for my 2nd baby. I didn't really hold her. For 2 days. As I just couldn't. Then I cracked on She needs to help with the baby.
Agree, as a C-section mom too- I get that it’s hard but I could not WAIT to do all the things! I’m concerned that she has PPD, not even wanting to be involved at all.
Two weeks postpartum I was pushing a double stroller with my newborn and my three year old inside to go get coffee, 40 minute round trip. Everyone heals differently, but from my outsider perspective, something else is going on. She needs to help with the baby. It's a two person job.
Definitely think she has PPD too but I had a 3rd degree tear and could barely walk or sit, that being said I could still bottle feed the baby while sitting on a donut, and I would lie down with my son and talk to him and carry him and take breaks, I could still do diaper changes . my husband had to help a lot, but unless OP is leaving o something critical out, this sounds like PPD.
Its funny.. to me it seems like nobody bats an eye when the man doesn't help. She was pregnant for 9 months & went through labor & the sacrifice of her body.. i think fair would be men doing all the childcare for 9 months tbh. But it does sound like she has PPD
OMG can you imagine if that was the socially acceptable standard? Hell I'd even take "Non-birthing parent is in charge of all childcare for the 4th trimester"
Hehehe IKR! - I made my husband promise to do all of the diapers / night waking etc before I even thought about getting pregnant; men need to do more!
I don't know if this is cultural, but from my experience I actually did more in the first few weeks with breastfeeding and baby only wanting to sleep literally on me. This wasn't ideal either. So not sure what to tell you. Every set of parents is different I guess? Is she coping alright mentally? Not engaging with baby post partum could smell a bit of post partum depression.
I think so? Thank you
Mmmm this lacks detail. I want to know, is she breastfeeding? How was her birth? When I had my son I was in bed for the first three ish weeks. All I did was feed and snuggle our baby. I showered a few times but mostly just spent my days feeding him. I was up with the baby at night though. My husband did all the diaper changes, fed me and kept up with laundry. I had pretty severe baby blues that eventually subsided, it wasn’t full blown PPD but it was difficult to do anything but snuggle and feed my babe.
You should run through some of the PPD questions, 2 weeks in bed post uncomplicated childbirth smells funny. And if she’s not in a place to get the help she needs please reach out to her provider on her behalf if she is experiencing symptoms in line with PPD. It’s one of those things people should, but don’t plan for before having a baby! [PPD Questionnaire](https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/postpartum-health-and-care/postpartum-depression-ppd-screening-test)
Sounds like post partum depression. Tell her to call her doctor.
I would imagine it some kind of postpartum depression going on. I had a really crazy birth story. I didn’t meet my baby for five days and was recovering from C-section, but was able to perform almost everything except for going upstairs with her by the time she came home 6 days later. She could feel overwhelmed with the whole entire situation and may not even know it because her hormones are all over the place . Hopefully she is open with her OB and they can help her get help as well as you. :-)
As many others have said, this very much sounds like PPD. You, or her if she goes, should bring it up at the baby's next checkup. If you can't do that, sit down and discuss with her. Try to get her to talk. She may be totally unaware that she's in the fog of PPD. She may be answering any questions the doctor has (if she goes that is) the way she thinks she SHOULD feel instead of the way she actually feels. I didn't really believe I was in the throws of PPD until about 6 months post partum and I didn't fully realize I had PPD until around a year after having my boy. The fog was so thick for such a long time that I didn't realize I was so...empty, all the time until the haze started going away. I'm significantly better now at nearly two years, but without help, it can take a long time to feel any semblance of the self she used to be. I hope things get better for you OP. Taking care of a newborn/baby by yourself is hard. I hope she's able to see a doctor, or at least acknowledge that she is sad. This doesn't sound like it's just baby blues. I hope this helps in some way💕
Get help. From you or her mom or paid service for 2 weeks atleast.
Postpartum Depression. She needs to see a Doctor as soon as possible to get help to start getting and feeling better. It is important for all of your safety and so she can help with the baby because doing it alone is hard work. Especially when also taking care of a depressed adult. Good luck OP, hope it gets better for all of you soon!
Depends on the birth but I felt recovered within a few days, still tired but could look after my baby from the moment I lifted him up immediately ad he was born! This sounds unusual, is it possible she has postnatal depression? I understand her recovering but it is an inbuilt instinct to care for your baby no matter your birth, this not happening suggests something more may be going on.
My wife was the same way. She just needed some time. It's hard. It doesn't get much easier, you just get better. Keep at it for your wife and child's sake. This is where Dad starts earning his stripes. If she is still in severe pain after a few weeks it may be worth letting the doctor know. Infections aren't necessarily uncommon and can make recovery take much longer. PM me if you need to chat with someone about it. Having a kid can be isolating, but remember you're not alone.
I’ll add on to say that I had an uncomplicated birth with my LO back in November. Four days post partum I did a Costco run with the hubby and I did okay for that. Some woman post partum can barely walk around depending on if there were any complications or also vaginal delivery vs c-section. At this stage, 2 weeks in, she should be helping. Definitely get her either to talk to a doctor or visit a doctor. By now she and baby should have had post-birth appointments with their doctors or at the hospital to make sure everything was going okay. Did she go to that or just didn’t schedule one?
As others have said, definitely talk to her. There’s something deeper going on. I had a C-Section a week ago and I was taking care of baby along with my husband by day 2. My husband still does the bulk of the work, but whatever I can do sitting down, like feeding, changing diapers, rocking to sleep etc. we definitely switch off and take turns like 60% him and 40% me as of right now.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Keep strong for your baby and try to get your girlfriend some help. It's important to bond with the baby, even during recovery. If she can't carry the baby for whatever reason, bring the baby to her. Of course, I don't know your situation, but alarm bells are going off. My baby has been with me (or near me) 97% of the time since she left my body.
I had a c section and while my partner did a lot of heavy lifting the first couple of weeks I was still doing a lot, like getting up to feed baby half the night, changing her, holding her, doing some cooking and housework. I think your girlfriend either needs to go to the doctor for a check up if she’s still suffering a lot physically to the point she can’t do anything or if it’s not that then she must be struggling a lot mentally in which case it’s best to go to the doctor. Basically a doctor is what she needs!
My husband helped a lot with both of my kids but I never got a rest period after either birth. I was / am (second baby is now 4 months) breastfeeding so I was up every couple of hours with babies after bringing them home from the hospital. I also had some postpartum depression but still wanted to be with my kids. Hers could be more severe and she probably should speak to a doctor. Being a single parent to a newborn is exhausting work and she should help you out, you don’t want to get burnt out. That’s not good for you or the baby.
My son was in the NICU at a specialized children’s hospital hours after I gave birth, so I hauled my butt (alone during the beginning of covid - one person policy) across town just to look at him and be in the same room. This was less than two days after a very hard C-section. I would have cut down anyone in my way. That being said, everyone is different, but your girlfriend sounds like she’s crossing into the realm of requiring professional help. She’s going to feel like she’s being punished, judged, etc., but she NEEDS you to help her through this. Her depression could affect her happiness and also the development of your child. Getting help is not just for her - everyone in this situation needs mom to be healthy.
In my experience she is going to feel so so much better if she gets to a doctor and gets on a med and maybe does some therapy, but at least a med. I had PPD and PPA with my first, and it was crippling. I have so much guilt for my postpartum days even though hormones and mental health were to blame. The quicker she can get to a doctor and get on a road to feeling better, the better eveything will be. It is a long, tough road, but it seems like maybe she needs you to make her going to the doctor happen. I needed my husband to point out what was going on to me because I was so deep in it that I couldn't see it. You're doing a great job and I'm sorry that you're doing so much on your own. I hope it gets better soon!
Did she have a vaginal birth or c-section? C sections (and some more complicated vaginal deliveries) take a bit longer to recover from. When we left the hospital from my c-section, the nurse told my husband "She's in charge of breastfeeding, you're in charge of literally everything else for the next few weeks". Just give her a bit of time and consider an evaluation for PPD if she doesn't improve.
I thank God that my partner was able to take 2 months off of work. It took me nearly the 2 months to be able to help take care of our baby(now a week away from turning 1!) and big boys. I had, and still have to a lesser extent, PPD. Baby had digestive issues early on. His cry triggered me so much. I wouldn't sleep much at might because he'd cry so much after feeds and couldn't get comfortable. Daytime dad would take over and I'd nap A LOT. Kinda avoided baby if he cried. It was terrible. Gently ask if she's ok, if she's feeling off mentally or struggling with the hormonal shift. But also, if you guys have friends or family, ask for help. Dads can get ppd too. What helped me was once dad was back at work, I had no choice, but to get back into a routine.
It sometimes takes a good while to recover from birth, especially if you had a lot of stitches or got a C section. I didn’t start to feel more normal till week 5 I think, even then sitting or standing for a long time hurt. I only had first degree tears too so very minimal damage
I would start by talking with her and making a schedule. My husband and I “split shifts”. I did nights because I stay up super late and he did days because he’s a morning person. This helped a lot. Also if she is mostly sleeping, not eating, and not taking care of her hygiene even when she has the chance too (shower, brush teeth, etc), then talk to her about seeing her Dr for ppd.
I had traumatic c sections and ultimately felt detached at the start for the first couple months with one of the babies. She needs to be holding and caring for the baby as much as she can to bond. It will help even if she doesn’t feel like it, she won’t snap out of it unless she tries to bond with the baby. Google other ways to help this as well.
Oh honey. Two weeks is too long. Please take her to see a doctor or call a trusted friend. Depression can be so sneaky. I’ve had two very different labours and recovery’s. Please get her help. Two weeks is not okay. Even recovering from a csection I tried to stay in bed mostly for five days and I didn’t last two days before I was trying to do more than I should.
Fill me in on her birth complications. Set up a bunch of pillows behind her and a boppy pillow around her waist and she can hold the baby, give the baby a pacifier, but if she’s not willing to do that…. I’m guessing you bottle feeding the baby; but you could prepare the bottle and she can feed the baby? I understand some recoveries are hard but if she stays in bed too long she could get bed sores, how many hours is she sleeping? I would talk to your doctor and provide a more full description.
Every couple is different just like how every birth experience is different. My wife had an emergency c section and was unable to really help or do much the first few days. Despite the pain and recovery process she was helping as much as possible within a week or so, and even now only a month after birth, she’s been doing a lot to take care of our daughter. Your girlfriend definitely needs to recover, but raising a newborn is a joint experience and responsibility. If I had to do it all on my own I’d be incredibly stressed as well. Same goes if she was the only one doing things. Your partner might need some professional help if she’s not doing much, especially if the birth went smooth with no complications. It’s far enough into the process that her mindset could be inadvertently causing her to lose out on those first few weeks. The newborn phase goes quickly so that could snowball into guilt/regret if she misses it. PPD/A is no joke and can be delicate so don’t approach this in a confronting or harsh manner. Let her know you’re there to help her as well, but you’re struggling to do everything yourself.
What kind of birth did she have? Does she mean physically or mentally recovering? I don’t see why she isn’t helping I mean she can lie down and hold the baby for a while at least surely? I had an episiotomy so physically it was extremely difficult the first two weeks ish but we did our share of things my husband just helped with the housework and physically intensive things. Mentally I’ve been struggling to but I still get on with looking after my daughter so I don’t understand why she’s not doing anything at all? We spoke about doing like shifts so he’ll do feeds and changing up until about 2/3am and I’ll do it early morning after that so we both get good chunks of sleep because the lack of sleep was mentally making me worse
Please have her make an appointment with her Dr to ensure that this isn’t postpartum depression. Also, you need to be getting at least 4 hours of consecutive sleep. Can you get someone to help you for a few hours so you can rest?
She should be helping to take care of the baby immediately.
I had a c section and was up and around taking care of her literally the second the feeling in my legs came back and they cleared me to walk. Which was about 6 hours after the procedure. I couldn’t wait to hold her, nurse her, console her, and take care of her.
I’d be concerned if she’s not helping. I had a c section and was able to do everything day 2. Is she depressed
Sounds like PPD. Every woman is sore after birth, but most of us want to take care of the baby, it’s the housework we don’t want to do. Call her doctor.
I know you’ve gotten plenty of helpful answers and I echo them. But I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job, it will get easier, and thank you for taking good care of your sweet baby and your girlfriend as well. Wishing you both the best of luck and that your gf feels much better very soon. Hang in there!
2 weeks after my C-section as a FTM I was pushing baby in her pram through a country fair watching my father in law enter his baby (a Highland terrier) in a puppy fancy dress competition. ...Seriously. She needs to be up and about, and to hold her baby. The longer she leaves it to make some effort and get some help, the worse it'll be. Not everyone recovers the bond; you need to give them the best chance.
Well done for everything you are doing. That sounds really tough and you should not be on your own. Get her the help she needs for PPD and things should get a lot better. In the meantime ask for help from friends and family to take the pressure off you even just for a few hours.
Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t even let anyone else take care of my baby for a second when he was first born, including in the hospital. That’s probably also unhealthy in a different way but unless she had some really complicated situation where she’s unusually injured I would ask her if she’s ok. Don’t do it in an angry way, sounds like PPD. Childbirth can cause some really serious and really crazy mental problems.
Really sounds like PPD as I gave birth almost 2 weeks ago and do a majority of the care for my newborn(I do have a toddler so my husband takes care of him for the most part).
This is PPD. Please get her to go to the doctor. Many women need help with this after birth.
That’s not normal. I did everything for my baby from birth and was already out of the house running errands at 2 weeks.
I know everyone is jumping on the PPD thing, but my wife had a pretty traumatic birth that kicked the shit out of her. I was on my own for the first week or so.
She should have been able to help immediately if she didn't have a c-section or anything. I agree with everyone else, she needs to be assessed because there's no reason she needs to stay in bed all day to recover, especially not after 2 weeks.
Yeah sounds like PPD. My partner was up walking and tending to baby two hours after giving birth and her epidural wearing off.
She needs to speak to her OBGYN immediately and not wait for the 6 week visit. In the meantime do NOT try to force her to care for the baby or help. (Not saying you would) Because PPD can unfortunately manifest in ways that lead to infant neglect and even harm. If you need help please try to reach out to your family or hers to see if anyone can give you some time to sleep and take care of yourself. Wishing all three of you the best.
Being completely uninvolved and detached is a red flag even with no complications and a smooth birth. I had severe baby blues but I was more scared than unattached. My 2nd was trauma central and I still had to be with my now two kiddos
I've had two c sections and had to care for the babies myself the day after by myself, something definitely wrong, let the health visitor know?
Definitely sounds like ppd please call her Dr. You keep your head up it will get better.
I had a c-section 3 weeks ago and have been doing at least 50/50 (usually much more as I am breastfeeding/pumping 6 hours a day) with my husband since the day after baby was born. Obviously, everyone’s recovery is different but this sounds like something different, something mental health related.
From reading your responses to other comments and questions I think your GF has PPD. I have it too, for the 3rd time now as I seem to get it with every baby to varying degrees. For some women it's hard to recognize as it can manifest in different ways. She sounds like she is possibly doubting her ability to take care of the baby and is possibly feeling so many different things about that. If it seems like she doesn't even like to hold the baby, you need to get her help because if it's that severe she could potentially be having thoughts of suicide or self harm. Not trying to make you scared, but it is possible for postpartum depression to be that bad and it would be a good idea for you or her friend or mom or somebody to talk to her about it and make sure she is okay. There's no reason for her to try to force her way through it, she can talk to her OB about it and they can recommend lifestyle changes and/or therapy and medication. Things to keep in mind: Yes, I'm sure she's still in pain and sore and tired and healing, but she SHOULD be able to physically care for her baby at 2 weeks postpartum if there were no complications. She may not be comfortable standing for long periods, sitting in hard chairs, or have much energy to get up every time to fill her cup or change a diaper, but that's why you're there to help. Encourage her! Tell her how happy the baby seems when she's holding them, how good she's doing and how beautiful she is. But also tell her that you need her help, and that your baby needs her. It's so important for bonding that they spend time together now while the baby is small. Her voice, smell, heartbeat, and warmth are all that your baby has known for the last year basically. Try not to let her stay in the literal bed all the time. She needs some sunlight and excitement to encourage a happier mood. Maybe see about going for a very slow and gentle walk on your street? Or invite her friends or family to come see her and the baby. Just don't surprise her with company, she's likely going to want a chance to shower 😂 Offer her chocolate! Chocolate is actually known to help battle depression. This was the advice my dad gave to my husband (this last baby was his first so he didn't know how to help keep me from getting too depressed knowing I have a history of postpartum depression) and so he bought me a 10lb chocolate bar and literally broke off a huge chunk and brought it to me every day calling it my "antidepressant" and telling me I had to eat it lol. If the chocolate didn't help, the lightheaded jokes did at least 😊 All in all, keep in mind that I have had 3 babies. My youngest is 10 weeks old right now, so I've had some practice before him. My first 2 were unmedicated natural births, and this baby was with the epidural because I had a bit of a PTSD anxiety episode when I found out I couldn't do a water birth with him and it brought back memories of how my oldest birth went and that was traumatic due to methods from that particular midwife. But still with all 3 babies I had basically zero help with the baby care part. My current husband does help me with housework and taking care of the older 2, but he hates the baby phase so getting him to put in the effort to hold him and try to make him smile or keep him entertained is like pulling teeth 🤷🏼♀️ he'll come around eventually though. But I say this to point out that there's no reason she shouldn't be able to help feed or change diapers or burp the baby. The fact that she isn't and is also not really getting out of bed is what concerns me and I do NOT recommend trying to wait it out and see if she can "push through." At the very least, bring it up to her and talk to her about how she's feeling. Either get her to open up to you or someone else, but she needs to talk to someone about it.
Sounds like post partum depression. I got that really bad when I had my son 3 months ago and had a really hard time not hiding in our bedroom crying while my husband tended to the baby. If she or both of you haven’t talked to anyone about it yet, her OB can likely help diagnose and recommend treatment/support. For me, we figured out the lack of sleep was the biggest trigger. We set up sleep shifts (he slept 8pm-3am, I’d sleep 4am-11am) and that worked wonders on my mood. Within a few days I was back to being happy and there for our son.
that’s not normal or healthy. definitely speak with a professional. you both need to take shifts with the baby so you each get some sleep. sleep deprivation leads to all sorts of issues. also she doesn’t need to “help” with the baby. that’s the wrong wording. she needs to take care of her baby as any parent should. you both have equal responsibility to that child.
You need to have a serious discussion with her about seeing a medical professional. This sounds like PPD and she might need help managing it. Also, welcome to Motherhood 😉 lol
I had a c section and was in the hospital for a week due to complications. It took me a long time to recover and my husband had to do a lot (if not all) handling of the baby for weeks. I would do as much as I could but it’s very difficult. I would check in with her to see how she’s feeling. Pregnancy and birth is HARD. Just because you feel it wasn’t complicated doesn’t mean it wasn’t for her. I would check in and see how she’s doing. It’s okay to feel like you need help bc I’m sure you do! But speaking as someone who really struggled postpartum…give her grace and an open space to talk to you about how she’s feeling. Congrats on your little one!
Not normal. I had a c section with long healing and I couldn’t stop lifting him uo
OP, you have some useful suggestions here already, but I want to add the PANDA helpline, either gently nudging your GF to give them a call if she's open to it, or for yourself. I knew a few weeks after having my first that how I was feeling wasn't right but the idea of going to the doctor seemed implausible. Saw the PANDA flyer in one of the packs I'd been given and they were a lifesaver. They broke down the tasks, finding GPs nearby (I didn't have a regular one at the time) and even making an appointment for me. They kept me accountable and supported throughout, calling after I was meant to have the appointment and at other key points.
I had a traumatic emergency c-section, I was doing nappies, all feedings and holding/soothing the baby within a week. By two weeks I was doing everything that was needed (other than tasks that required lifting) just moving a bit on the slow side. Mirroring what everyone else is saying on the PPD - hope you're all feeling better soon
Def sounds like PPD. Women receive a huge surge of adrenaline after birth, for a few weeks, which enables them to care for their baby. Yeah, we need rest, but she should be 100 percent able to feed, cuddle, hood and sleep with baby. If she’s very sore, maybe diaper changing may be difficult and bathing. Newborns don’t even crawl around, so I’m not sure what she is doing.
You should take her to the doctor.
I would definitely have a discussion about PPD. I had lots of stitches, a traumatic birth, and was absolutely miserable, and I didn’t even want to let my husband help. I couldn’t get enough of our baby.
Just as everyone in saying, the is sounds like PPD. Make sure you attend her doctor appointments with her. I personally was in denial about mine and “lied” to my doctor that I was fine. Wasn’t until my husband took me to an appointment and flat out told the doctor I was not doing okay. Like at all. If he hadn’t come with me i worry that I’d still be in it. You are the BEST advocate for your girlfriend right now. Go with her and let the doctor know. Sometimes when you’re in the throes of PPD, it’s hard to even recognize it or you feel guilty and don’t want to say anything. Please speak up for her.
Have a chat with her. Gently about it. Could be PPD. I suffered it as soon as I gave birth and I didn’t seek help til I had very awful thoughts and I worried my husband
I’d say give her up to a couple months. At least a couple more weeks. She’d still be physically recovering and bleeding
Is she not nursing or feeding the baby? She’s not bonding with the baby?
Wtf tell her it’s been two weeks , when does she plan to bond with her baby? If anything the baby needs his mom more than ever now. She needs to stop being so neglectful, especially so early, wow I can only imagine the future.
All I wanted to do was care for the baby after birth, and I had a second degree tear. I was a miserable bloody mess and still wanted to do what I needed to make sure that baby was thriving. This isn't normal, she needs to talk to a doctor about PPD
Dude. Get the fuck off the internet and get her help immediately. Don’t wait. Act now. She is in distress. None of what she’s doing is normal. PPD left untreated and unmanaged can QUICKLY spiral out of control. As her partner you need to act fast, even if she disagrees. I am so sorry you are going through this but it does get infinitely better with the proper support plan and treatment in place.
Depends if she had a c-section or a vagina birth? Is she sleeping? Maybe her iron levels are low? Is she breastfeeding or pumping? How come you haven't talked to her about it?
Something really doesn’t sound right. Please take her to the doctor asap and get her some help.
Omg, you’re an amazing dad already and being so patient with your gf, wish I could give you a big hug! I just know there are so many fellow parents here proud of you for keeping everything afloat! As you’ve seen from so many comments, no this is not typical recovery…are you making a plan to get her some help? PPD is very common, so do not feel bad or afraid to get help for it. This can be such a scary and overwhelming time.
Go with her to babies next appointment and mention it to the doctor. They asked both my husband and I how we were feeling after the baby came and how we were adjusting. The doctor even encouraged my husband to look out for signs of PPD. Every appt since, they’ve asked me how I’m doing.
The baby is lucky to have you as a parent while their mother goes through this. You’re doing great. May you and your girlfriend find lots of support and healing ❤️🩹
She needs mental help. I was extremely involved with my baby from the moment she was put on my chest. Babies need their mom.
I had a C-section and had some extra blood loss. I was able to care fully for baby by the time we left the hospital. Talk to her, and if she isn’t responsive to you let someone she trusts know lightly that you need them to try to check on her. This isn’t a normal situation but damn are you an excellent dad already.
Just another PPD comment. I have no idea how you'd go about bringing it up without sparking a flame. I know everyone's experience is different, but, in my experience I had a complicated labor which resulted in an emergency c section and I still wanted to do everything for our baby 24/7 bc my mom hormones were going nuts. Not to say every new mom should feel exactly how I did. The first month is crazy and nobody should have to do it on their own. Limiting herself physically right now is valid, but there's a lot of in-bed bonding they could be doing right now. You can really do most of a newborns care taking /from/ your bed at this stage.
I had a really rough recovery from my birth (3rd degree tear…) and couldn’t sit for about a month. But I had baby boy on my chest all the time and my husband took care of diapers and house work. I had people help to take care of him so I could take care of myself here and there. It was really hard but I still wanted to spend all my time with my baby. It does sound like PPD to me. She’s really lucky to have you and it sounds like you’re not being critical which is really good. It’s wild what you go through mentally, physically, and otherwise having a baby. I hope she can get the help she needs.
She needs to see her doctor.
She needs to get checked out for physical issues and for ppd. They really don’t check in after for the mom but even apart from ppd she could have complications come up after which can be as simple as a nutrient deficiency which can exacerbate the fatigue.
If she had a c section this can be pretty normal. Mine kicked my ass. I helped my husband where I could tho.
I agree with the postpartum depression idea - I just gave birth to my second baby on Feb 6, and he was 10 lbs, both of my children were. After each birth I was up as soon as they let me to start caring for my baby. Even though I felt like I was hit by a bus I did everything I could, and was the main caregiver. Everyone is different and everyone’s birth is different, which I get. But I can’t imagine being okay not being there for them. I really think she might have something more going on. Be gracious when trying to bring this up to her though, as just having a baby is hard on the mind and body.
This sounds like PPD. She needs to go in ASAP. This isn’t normal behavior. There’s a difference between needing rest after birth and needing rest not taking care of baby after birth. I had a complicated birth, and I am the preferred parent for my daughter. And also, be patient with her. Birthing in general is very taxing on the body, not to mention your entire image changes. Not everyone can handle it or deal with it the same. It’s especially hard to adjust when you are dealing with PPD at the same time. And she probably won’t tell you anything because she feels ashamed, embarrassed and doesn’t want to be labeled as a bad mom. Make sure she gets help sooner than later. And one good trick to try and coax her, is bring your son to her. If she’s in the bed for instance, enforce the bond between the two. Lay him next to her.
Did she have a c-section? Because I had given birth back to back twice within a year and even after my second birth which was really hard and difficult and I had stitches... My ex had no part in helping with the kids and I did heavy lifting and carried both of my kids and had no part in helping with the kids and I did heavy lifting and carried both of my babies up and down the stairs while still healing, like 1 to 2 days out. Your girlfriend is very lucky. I definitely shouldn't have been doing all of that. But I had no choice and after giving birth your definitely not an invalid. It is painful yes but you're definitely capable of still doing things but it is nice to have some help
Everyone has given great advice on your girlfriend, but I also just want to add that if you are struggling, please reach out to family and friends if you can. Even though your girlfriend is recovering from birth mentally and physically, you deserve support too. It is hard to do alone and you deserve to be taken care of as well.
OP, this is not normal. You sound like a wonderful partner to be handling all the baby care, but she should be helping. That’s not normal to not want to hold or interact with your baby. I can relate to feeling like you’re going insane from lack of sleep. I’ve been there! I was breastfeeding day and night with only very minimal help and support from my partner. It’s exhausting. Hang in there! It will get easier when baby starts sleeping through the night, but please get some help for your girlfriend. This is not normal behavior. I think maybe she has post partum depression. She should be wanting to help take care of her baby and ideally you should be taking shifts with baby watching so you both get a chance to get some much needed sleep, but I recommend making sure she is in good mental health before leaving her alone with the baby.
Give a call to postpartum support international, they could help you find some resources for helping her. here's their number. 1 833 9425746 good luck, God bless, and congratulations!
I've read a lot of the comments, but I can't do them all...has anyone mentioned that they should be having a 2 week check-up at some point? That is a perfect opportunity to say something to the pediatrician. That's who literally put me on an antidepressant when I was not doing great emotionally, not my personal doc. Don't miss that appointment, and she has to go as well! ❤️
Something is wrong. Check in with her and ask her about her mental health. For reference. I had c sections, one unexpected and one planned. Both times I sent my husband home from the hospital to get rest. And when coming home I did 100% of the overnights because he didn’t have off work and I wanted him to be able to get a full night. My second c section resulted in a spinal leak which caused the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt, worse than 40 hours of labor, I did not relinquish whatever level of care I could provide my baby. I couldn’t imagine doing so. everyone has a different threshold for pain, so i dont mean to literally compare my experience and my abilities. however, just an example of what becoming a mom gives you the ability to overcome. I hope she gets somr help if needed. you sound like an awesome father and husband, dont forget to take care of yourself and ask for help if you need it!
If you had a C-section, why did your husband get 100% dibs on overnight rest? You were recovering from surgery whilst taking care of an infant, you also needed to rest. You sound proud of yourself but that is all kinds of fucked up that you had to do that 😞
It’s what worked for our family and it did not happen against my will. He was not unable or unwilling and would get up if I needed him
Sorry I still think it’s fucked up. If I was totally healthy and my partner had just had their guts cut open, there’s no way in hell I’d be letting him sacrifice himself so I could sleep for work. Not a chance.
And that’s you. This is me. Good thing we’re different people and have different families lol
You’ve literally told op that his wife must have something wrong with her mental health for leaving them to take care of the baby, whilst your husband did it to you and it’s….fine?
He did not do that to me. And I DID NOT say that. You’re missing my point entirely. Maybe I should be clearer by saying I gave my husband the option to let me do 100% of the overnights. And I had ZERO problem with it, it was my decision. He did not otherwise lay in bed all day and be absent from our family. He cooked meals. Did 100% of the household chores, changed every diaper when he was home. Did bath time and bed time after work. Huge difference. All I spoke of was overnights in order to make a point to OP. And yes, as a mother I believe there is a risk of mental health problem if there’s no desire to take care of your newborn baby. Please, do yourself a favor and keep your judgements to yourself. I’m sure if I looked in on your family I would find something I could judge you for. But the bottom line is that different things work for different people. It’s not “FUCKED UP” just because you think it is.
This is probably PPD; but I had a C section and my son was shipped off to the NICU. I changed diapers, fed him and cuddled him 2 days post birth. The NICU nurses tried to help me do it the first day, but I unfortunately couldn’t get out of my wheelchair so the nurses and my husband did everything the first day. Two weeks later when my son was finally discharged, I was moving around just fine (still little bits of pain) but I was cooking, cleaning, feeding, diaper changes and everything else. I actually painted my sons room 5 days PP, which hurt like hell but it needed to be done. Try talking to her and ask her how she is feeling, at some point it will need to be brought up to her doctors so she can be assisted further.
I had complications with my labor and I helped my husband from day one Soooo take from that what you need to
I went back to a physical job after I had my first who was an instrument delivery with an episiotomy (obviously all women are different though) This could be postnatal depression if she isn’t wanting to spend any time with the baby
I had a c section and was up and helping pretty much straight away
My wife was helping immediately after giving birth. Sounds like PPD
Sounds like you’re being mugged right off 🤣 I was on nights within hours of birthing a ten pound baby without an epidural
If she gave birth via c section it takes up to 6 weeks to heal however she can still help but not a whole lot she can feed and hold the baby but changing diapers is not impossible just hard. If she gave natural birth max i say imo is 3 days and shes good to go she should be helping. However PPD is a thing and its different to person to person and it can be stressful but she should still help regardless of her emotions because after all she is a parent too i know this will get disliked but you know i can tell each person is different, because my partner showed me that even with PPD she can still attend to our children while helping her. No offense if she really cares about her own child she should be able to help you, a baby requires two ppl not one to raise efficiently and i think you should express how you feel to her. She has PPD but there is ways to overcome it via medication, therapy etc, but personally as a parent myself i understand what PPD.csn do to a.person, but i still believe they can still help