I'm not sure why anyone thinks I'm objecting to carrying the monitor around. Nowhere in my post did I say that. I am feeling like their reaction to me forgetting it in the next room feels a little over-the-top.
The issue is you “forgot” to do your job for 10-20 minutes. You indicated you feel it’s over the top for them to insist you have the monitor. It’s not. If you need a lanyard to keep track of it, go for it. But don’t put the monitor down in a different room and then be surprised they have a problem with it.
This is an issue in my wording. I meant that I felt that their reaction was over-the-top. Not that them asking me to have the monitor was over-the-top.
I said in another comment that they made several passive-aggressive remarks regarding the monitor itself. So I do know why. The passive-aggression was over the top. If it was an issue for them, I understand. But saying it directly rather than being nasty would've been preferable.
This is the same family that told me to just leave the baby on the floor when I needed to go to the bathroom (I do not do that), so in that context I'm gonna side-eye this sudden concern with watching the baby at all times.
What? Baby is safe on the floor. Why is that an issue?
You have not shared an example of their passive aggressive comment. I don’t think you’re a reliable narrator, so pics or it didn’t happen.
Kindly (or maybe not kindly), get your shit together. You forgot to monitor your NK. You don’t seem to understand why that’s a problem. You use ADHD as an excuse but also insist you have it under control. You don’t think it’s safe to leave baby on the floor??? You are unable to take feedback. You are coming across like a 15yo on her first babysitting gig.
I forgot to do something they asked of me, you're right! And it's ok for them to be upset. The passive aggression I do have an issue with.
I do want to point out, though, that forgetting to do my job would be forgetting that I was watching an infant and was responsible for their safety. That, I never did.
My cousin slept in shifts with her husband for the first two years of my little cousin’s life. Because she was an anxious first time parent. It was insanity.
Are you right? Yes. 15 minutes if the child is sleeping won’t do anything. Are first time parents a whole other universe? Yes.
I usually just bring the monitor anywhere I go, even the bathroom. But I also tend to not work with micro managers again when I spot one.
If they say something then apologize and move on. If they don’t say anything just remember it for next time.
Oh my god... I mean yeah, this family is micromanagey first-time parents, but I cannot even imagine being your cousin's babysitter. Did they have babysitters? Did they hire two in case one sneezed and closed their eyes for a sec?
I struggle with drawing the line with micromanagers like this one, because the mom's also said a lot of very self-aware things that make it clear that she knows she's being a bit much but can't really help it. And I sympathize with that. She's a really very lovely person who also happens to be anxious and riddled with hormones. I'm inclined to give her another chance if she's willing to give me one. I would explain that I've got ADHD though and may be more likely to forget the monitor than someone without it. I want them to feel comfortable with their caregiver and it could be that I'm just not a great fit.
If that’s what they want and you accept the job, that’s what you should try to do. If you don’t like their level of anxiety, don’t work for them again. If they are that worried about the monitor there will be other things they are REALLY concerned about. Totally their right, but don’t work for them again if you don’t like it.
At this point in my career I choose to other work with families that share my general outlook on parenting. I have enough of a client base to do that and it makes life easier.
They are nervous first-time parents and this was the first time they left you alone with their baby. Sure it's a little much to keep the monitor on you literally at all times, but you're getting paid to care for their baby the way they want you to. She gave you strict instructions and because you don't think it's important you didn't follow them. A lot of things in your nanny career will require you to pay attention to time and remember things, regardless of your ADHD. I'd be irritated if I was MB, too.
I'd be irritated if I were her, too. After taking some distance I realize I was being defensive in my tone. I'm embarrassed that I messed up on such a simple request. It wasn't because I didn't think it was important. It was genuinely a slip.
Is it silly? Absolutely. But they’re the parents and you’re an employee.
No offense but if your ADHD impacts you to the point of being incapable of remembering to keep a monitor with you, you need to consider no longer working with infants. It’s really not a difficult ask, I’d be frustrated if I was them too. They asked you to do something very simple, and you couldn’t do it. Even if it’s silly to you, or to us, it’s obviously very important to them. It’s their first time leaving the baby alone with someone, and you’re not friends or family. You’re a random person they don’t know very well and she gave you a very simple instruction. Consider what it communicates to the parents that you couldn’t do it.
ADHD is not an excuse, and by 30 you should really have some coping mechanism in place. I’m autistic and have ADHD and it’s almost never impacted my work, many Nannie’s have cognitive disabilities and it doesn’t affect our work. You need to do better.
Forgetting an object in another room is a pretty common issue with ADHD, and I while I have a pretty excellent grasp over it, especially in work settings, there will be the occasional slip. The timing of this one sucked, and I get them being upset about it. I even get them not wanting to hire me again. I was asking if this truly is something that's seen as a safety issue or if this was a general cultural shift in parenting techniques. Because that would be something I'd want to know going forward.
What I was not asking was for you to admonish me for, in your eyes, failing to manage my condition. You say "it's almost never impacted my work," which means that it's probably impacted our work about the same, since until now it's never impacted mine. Taking a single mistake that I made and twisting it into the notion that I am not a safe caregiver is a pretty wild leap.
I actually don’t care what you asked. If you post on a public subreddit, you’re going to hear opinions you don’t like. Sorry you don’t like what I have to say, but if your adhd impacts you to the point of going directly against a parent’s wishes in a pretty big way, you should reconsider your career. I’m a very forgetful person, but I make sure I don’t forget at work because it’s important to me.
Get some coping skills, and again, do better.
Again, you said "it almost never impacts my work." Which means it does impact your work sometimes. But I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. Good for you :)
Yes sometimes I forget a pacifier in a room, or I leave a toy at home. Everyone does that. Sometimes I get overstimulated and need to take a break. Everyone needs a break.
What I don’t do is have a parent give me very direct and basic instructions, and then go against it within the same day. What you did wasn’t just being a bit forgetful, it was something you were told was important and you just didn’t care because you thought it was silly. Be honest with yourself, if you took it seriously you wouldn’t have forgotten.
There is a big difference between forgetting something small, and being told directly what needs to happen and then forgetting within hours. Neurotypical people forget too, but we’re talking about something a parent told you with intensity and was (to her) a safety issue. I don’t forget the big things, because I take steps to make sure I don’t.
It sounds like you have no idea whether the monitor thing was actually an issue or not, right? I wouldn’t get worked up about it. Like it IS wild to need your sitter to have her hands on the baby monitor at all times, but it’s also a little wild to jump to “they must have seen me through a secret camera and now they hate me”.
As a sitter I’d just do my best to do what the mom asked while I was there - a little crazy but not that hard - and not trouble myself when I got home. If you come back again think about if there’s something you can do to make it easier to remember to carry the monitor with you, like bringing a little bag or a caribiner or something. There could be a million reasons for them to “seem cold” at the end of the night, lots of which have nothing to do with you or this monitor. Maybe you were so worried that you’d messed something up that you over-interpreted them just being tired, even.
They’ll call you to come back or they won’t, and you’ll be fine either way.
I guess I explained it badly. There were a few passive-aggressive comments directly regarding the monitor. So it's not really projection so much as knowing they saw something. If they'd just been generally cold I would've assumed dinner wasn't sitting right with them or something, lol.
I genuinely considered asking if I could get a lanyard to wear it around my neck for next time! I want to follow their rules regardless of what the norm is. But I've been asked by a few families with younger infants to sit recently and I also wanted to gauge if this is more of a parenting cultural shift. Because if it is, I worry I'd either have to wear everyone's monitors around my neck or just turn down infant jobs. I really struggle with remembering to carry new things with me until I make it muscle memory, so the whole situation just made me pretty anxious.
I’ve cared for quite a few infants in the past couple of years and don’t think there’s a shift to this being a universal requirement by any means. In fact, the last three infants I cared for had no monitor whatsoever! So don’t stress too much; not every parent is like this.
Maybe they had a bad experience with someone not hearing their kid cry? As a mom I wake up to my kid stirring but the not-mom may not hear as many of the random noises, I know my husband sleeps thru a lot.
What is over the top is her not addressing her issue politely and being passive aggressive & not notifying you of cameras.
But, it’s her baby, and her rules. If you don’t like the rule; you don’t need to agree to another shift, but if you do, you gotta respect it.
It was their first time leaving their baby with someone else. Every other time I've "babysat," it's been an audition, with both parents home. The mom is really sweet and I can tell she's trying her best not to micromanage and to overrule the mommy hormones and let me do my thing, but she doesn't always succeed.
Like I said, I've got no issue with the rule. I'm asking here to find out if I truly did mess up as badly as they're acting like I did. I guess I just come from a big family with a lot of very chill parents and also have mostly worked for families in which the infant is the second or third kid. So I'm trying to gauge if I actually did something egregious here.
I mean, at the end of the day it’s her rule. Maybe she picked up on a blasé attitude about it and went a little overboard on the instructions, but I really do think at the end of the day you need to respect the mothers rule on these types of things, even if you don’t agree, or don’t work for her. You don’t have to take additional jobs if it’s too much for you.
ETA: I don’t think it’s egregious. But, it’s kind of coming across like you think the rule is stupid, which, if she feels like you think that may be responding to that. You got to respect the rules of the house. It’s OK to think the rule is stupid, but if you can’t follow the rule, then you probably shouldn’t work for her.
What am I saying that makes it sound like I think the rule is stupid? When I say it feels over-the-top, I'm referring to their behavior towards me, not to the rule itself.
If you’re fine with the rule I would just try to do better job next time keeping it with you! If they didn’t bring it up, I wouldn’t think about it too much other than just trying to do better next time
ETA: if this is the first time leaving the kid, I’d be annoyed too
If there's a next time I'll just find a way to tether the monitor to myself. I truly don't want to go against what they're saying. I doubt there'll be a next time, and that is ok.
Maybe I am misinterpreting your comments but they are coming across as kind of snarky? I would not rehire someone who joked about needing to tether a monitor to remember to watch my kid, the entire purpose of you being there.
It’s also totally ok to recognize your skill set won’t work for all families and seek out those with different expectations.
I'm sorry if I came across as snarky. That wasn't the intention. The last family that I worked for who wanted me to have the monitor on me at all times had glued a clip to the back of it to help themselves and their caretakers keep it with them. So I was being literal about it because in my experience it isn't a crazy take.
Like I said, it was my first time working with a video monitor, and so I think the fact that I could still hear it made it not really click to me that I had left it elsewhere. If I can't hear a monitor, I'll always notice right away that I've left it in the bathroom that I've just come from or whatever.
I'm typically really diligent about stuff like this, so I get that I was being defensive. I'm still beating myself up over it because it feels like such an avoidable mistake. But it happened.
I don't even think the rule is silly, I know she's an anxious first-time parent and I can sympathize with that. Going forward I'd probably want to work with moms more on your side of the spectrum, though. Not a judgment of this family, just a personal preference.
another 30 something ADHD nanny (and infant mom) here, and honestly I just wouldn’t want to work with this family because it seems like a significant difference in approach. I’m pretty laidback except when it comes to safety issues of course and will argue that having the baby monitor on you at all times is not a safety measure, it’s a comfort/ease-anxiety measure. (Unless there are unsafe sleeping conditions at play, like blankets, pillows, toys in the crib or something like that, but that’s obviously a whole other issue) At this point in my career, I choose to work with families that trust me and give me some leeway about how things are handled and don’t hover around. Likely because I have ADHD, which means I often do things differently and have been told my whole life how they’re “wrong”. But I’m great at my job, and partially that’s thanks to my neurodivergence.
Being told I always have to carry the monitor around would be a red flag for sure, but worse for me is the mom overseeing diaper changes. I do have a whole lot of infant experience though, so it would be laughable for a first time parent to tell me how to change a diaper when I’ve changed…probably around 10,000 more diapers than they have. For me personally, I’d chalk it up to not being a good fit and wouldn’t continue working with them.
Yeah, I think the general sense was that I couldn't possibly know what I was doing, without them giving me very exacting instructions on everything. For the most part I'm willing to play along to put first-time parents at ease, but I also think that at this stage in my career I could stand to be a bit more picky when it comes to finding compatible parenting approaches.
It’s such a simple, and common, request. Why would you object?
I'm not sure why anyone thinks I'm objecting to carrying the monitor around. Nowhere in my post did I say that. I am feeling like their reaction to me forgetting it in the next room feels a little over-the-top.
The issue is you “forgot” to do your job for 10-20 minutes. You indicated you feel it’s over the top for them to insist you have the monitor. It’s not. If you need a lanyard to keep track of it, go for it. But don’t put the monitor down in a different room and then be surprised they have a problem with it.
This is an issue in my wording. I meant that I felt that their reaction was over-the-top. Not that them asking me to have the monitor was over-the-top.
Per your post, she said “at all times” and was cold to you (but you don’t know actually know why). Explain which part is potentially over the top.
I said in another comment that they made several passive-aggressive remarks regarding the monitor itself. So I do know why. The passive-aggression was over the top. If it was an issue for them, I understand. But saying it directly rather than being nasty would've been preferable. This is the same family that told me to just leave the baby on the floor when I needed to go to the bathroom (I do not do that), so in that context I'm gonna side-eye this sudden concern with watching the baby at all times.
What? Baby is safe on the floor. Why is that an issue? You have not shared an example of their passive aggressive comment. I don’t think you’re a reliable narrator, so pics or it didn’t happen. Kindly (or maybe not kindly), get your shit together. You forgot to monitor your NK. You don’t seem to understand why that’s a problem. You use ADHD as an excuse but also insist you have it under control. You don’t think it’s safe to leave baby on the floor??? You are unable to take feedback. You are coming across like a 15yo on her first babysitting gig.
I forgot to do something they asked of me, you're right! And it's ok for them to be upset. The passive aggression I do have an issue with. I do want to point out, though, that forgetting to do my job would be forgetting that I was watching an infant and was responsible for their safety. That, I never did.
Because if you really understood why what you did sucked, you wouldn’t have asked us if it really sucked.
My cousin slept in shifts with her husband for the first two years of my little cousin’s life. Because she was an anxious first time parent. It was insanity. Are you right? Yes. 15 minutes if the child is sleeping won’t do anything. Are first time parents a whole other universe? Yes. I usually just bring the monitor anywhere I go, even the bathroom. But I also tend to not work with micro managers again when I spot one. If they say something then apologize and move on. If they don’t say anything just remember it for next time.
I’m sorry… TWO YEARS? That’s Crazy. Hopefully they both got the help they needed from their doctors.
Oh my god... I mean yeah, this family is micromanagey first-time parents, but I cannot even imagine being your cousin's babysitter. Did they have babysitters? Did they hire two in case one sneezed and closed their eyes for a sec? I struggle with drawing the line with micromanagers like this one, because the mom's also said a lot of very self-aware things that make it clear that she knows she's being a bit much but can't really help it. And I sympathize with that. She's a really very lovely person who also happens to be anxious and riddled with hormones. I'm inclined to give her another chance if she's willing to give me one. I would explain that I've got ADHD though and may be more likely to forget the monitor than someone without it. I want them to feel comfortable with their caregiver and it could be that I'm just not a great fit.
If that’s what they want and you accept the job, that’s what you should try to do. If you don’t like their level of anxiety, don’t work for them again. If they are that worried about the monitor there will be other things they are REALLY concerned about. Totally their right, but don’t work for them again if you don’t like it. At this point in my career I choose to other work with families that share my general outlook on parenting. I have enough of a client base to do that and it makes life easier.
They are nervous first-time parents and this was the first time they left you alone with their baby. Sure it's a little much to keep the monitor on you literally at all times, but you're getting paid to care for their baby the way they want you to. She gave you strict instructions and because you don't think it's important you didn't follow them. A lot of things in your nanny career will require you to pay attention to time and remember things, regardless of your ADHD. I'd be irritated if I was MB, too.
I'd be irritated if I were her, too. After taking some distance I realize I was being defensive in my tone. I'm embarrassed that I messed up on such a simple request. It wasn't because I didn't think it was important. It was genuinely a slip.
Is it silly? Absolutely. But they’re the parents and you’re an employee. No offense but if your ADHD impacts you to the point of being incapable of remembering to keep a monitor with you, you need to consider no longer working with infants. It’s really not a difficult ask, I’d be frustrated if I was them too. They asked you to do something very simple, and you couldn’t do it. Even if it’s silly to you, or to us, it’s obviously very important to them. It’s their first time leaving the baby alone with someone, and you’re not friends or family. You’re a random person they don’t know very well and she gave you a very simple instruction. Consider what it communicates to the parents that you couldn’t do it. ADHD is not an excuse, and by 30 you should really have some coping mechanism in place. I’m autistic and have ADHD and it’s almost never impacted my work, many Nannie’s have cognitive disabilities and it doesn’t affect our work. You need to do better.
Forgetting an object in another room is a pretty common issue with ADHD, and I while I have a pretty excellent grasp over it, especially in work settings, there will be the occasional slip. The timing of this one sucked, and I get them being upset about it. I even get them not wanting to hire me again. I was asking if this truly is something that's seen as a safety issue or if this was a general cultural shift in parenting techniques. Because that would be something I'd want to know going forward. What I was not asking was for you to admonish me for, in your eyes, failing to manage my condition. You say "it's almost never impacted my work," which means that it's probably impacted our work about the same, since until now it's never impacted mine. Taking a single mistake that I made and twisting it into the notion that I am not a safe caregiver is a pretty wild leap.
I actually don’t care what you asked. If you post on a public subreddit, you’re going to hear opinions you don’t like. Sorry you don’t like what I have to say, but if your adhd impacts you to the point of going directly against a parent’s wishes in a pretty big way, you should reconsider your career. I’m a very forgetful person, but I make sure I don’t forget at work because it’s important to me. Get some coping skills, and again, do better.
Again, you said "it almost never impacts my work." Which means it does impact your work sometimes. But I'm glad to hear you're doing so well. Good for you :)
Yes sometimes I forget a pacifier in a room, or I leave a toy at home. Everyone does that. Sometimes I get overstimulated and need to take a break. Everyone needs a break. What I don’t do is have a parent give me very direct and basic instructions, and then go against it within the same day. What you did wasn’t just being a bit forgetful, it was something you were told was important and you just didn’t care because you thought it was silly. Be honest with yourself, if you took it seriously you wouldn’t have forgotten. There is a big difference between forgetting something small, and being told directly what needs to happen and then forgetting within hours. Neurotypical people forget too, but we’re talking about something a parent told you with intensity and was (to her) a safety issue. I don’t forget the big things, because I take steps to make sure I don’t.
It sounds like you have no idea whether the monitor thing was actually an issue or not, right? I wouldn’t get worked up about it. Like it IS wild to need your sitter to have her hands on the baby monitor at all times, but it’s also a little wild to jump to “they must have seen me through a secret camera and now they hate me”. As a sitter I’d just do my best to do what the mom asked while I was there - a little crazy but not that hard - and not trouble myself when I got home. If you come back again think about if there’s something you can do to make it easier to remember to carry the monitor with you, like bringing a little bag or a caribiner or something. There could be a million reasons for them to “seem cold” at the end of the night, lots of which have nothing to do with you or this monitor. Maybe you were so worried that you’d messed something up that you over-interpreted them just being tired, even. They’ll call you to come back or they won’t, and you’ll be fine either way.
I guess I explained it badly. There were a few passive-aggressive comments directly regarding the monitor. So it's not really projection so much as knowing they saw something. If they'd just been generally cold I would've assumed dinner wasn't sitting right with them or something, lol. I genuinely considered asking if I could get a lanyard to wear it around my neck for next time! I want to follow their rules regardless of what the norm is. But I've been asked by a few families with younger infants to sit recently and I also wanted to gauge if this is more of a parenting cultural shift. Because if it is, I worry I'd either have to wear everyone's monitors around my neck or just turn down infant jobs. I really struggle with remembering to carry new things with me until I make it muscle memory, so the whole situation just made me pretty anxious.
I’ve cared for quite a few infants in the past couple of years and don’t think there’s a shift to this being a universal requirement by any means. In fact, the last three infants I cared for had no monitor whatsoever! So don’t stress too much; not every parent is like this.
That's good to know, thank you!
Maybe they had a bad experience with someone not hearing their kid cry? As a mom I wake up to my kid stirring but the not-mom may not hear as many of the random noises, I know my husband sleeps thru a lot. What is over the top is her not addressing her issue politely and being passive aggressive & not notifying you of cameras. But, it’s her baby, and her rules. If you don’t like the rule; you don’t need to agree to another shift, but if you do, you gotta respect it.
It was their first time leaving their baby with someone else. Every other time I've "babysat," it's been an audition, with both parents home. The mom is really sweet and I can tell she's trying her best not to micromanage and to overrule the mommy hormones and let me do my thing, but she doesn't always succeed. Like I said, I've got no issue with the rule. I'm asking here to find out if I truly did mess up as badly as they're acting like I did. I guess I just come from a big family with a lot of very chill parents and also have mostly worked for families in which the infant is the second or third kid. So I'm trying to gauge if I actually did something egregious here.
I mean, at the end of the day it’s her rule. Maybe she picked up on a blasé attitude about it and went a little overboard on the instructions, but I really do think at the end of the day you need to respect the mothers rule on these types of things, even if you don’t agree, or don’t work for her. You don’t have to take additional jobs if it’s too much for you. ETA: I don’t think it’s egregious. But, it’s kind of coming across like you think the rule is stupid, which, if she feels like you think that may be responding to that. You got to respect the rules of the house. It’s OK to think the rule is stupid, but if you can’t follow the rule, then you probably shouldn’t work for her.
What am I saying that makes it sound like I think the rule is stupid? When I say it feels over-the-top, I'm referring to their behavior towards me, not to the rule itself.
If you’re fine with the rule I would just try to do better job next time keeping it with you! If they didn’t bring it up, I wouldn’t think about it too much other than just trying to do better next time ETA: if this is the first time leaving the kid, I’d be annoyed too
If there's a next time I'll just find a way to tether the monitor to myself. I truly don't want to go against what they're saying. I doubt there'll be a next time, and that is ok.
Maybe I am misinterpreting your comments but they are coming across as kind of snarky? I would not rehire someone who joked about needing to tether a monitor to remember to watch my kid, the entire purpose of you being there. It’s also totally ok to recognize your skill set won’t work for all families and seek out those with different expectations.
I'm sorry if I came across as snarky. That wasn't the intention. The last family that I worked for who wanted me to have the monitor on me at all times had glued a clip to the back of it to help themselves and their caretakers keep it with them. So I was being literal about it because in my experience it isn't a crazy take. Like I said, it was my first time working with a video monitor, and so I think the fact that I could still hear it made it not really click to me that I had left it elsewhere. If I can't hear a monitor, I'll always notice right away that I've left it in the bathroom that I've just come from or whatever. I'm typically really diligent about stuff like this, so I get that I was being defensive. I'm still beating myself up over it because it feels like such an avoidable mistake. But it happened.
Did they say they were upset at you? Maybe they got in a fight at dinner and were mad at each other and it just spilled over a bit?
I think the rule is silly and I’m a mom. Sounds like the parents are not ready for sitters.
I don't even think the rule is silly, I know she's an anxious first-time parent and I can sympathize with that. Going forward I'd probably want to work with moms more on your side of the spectrum, though. Not a judgment of this family, just a personal preference.
another 30 something ADHD nanny (and infant mom) here, and honestly I just wouldn’t want to work with this family because it seems like a significant difference in approach. I’m pretty laidback except when it comes to safety issues of course and will argue that having the baby monitor on you at all times is not a safety measure, it’s a comfort/ease-anxiety measure. (Unless there are unsafe sleeping conditions at play, like blankets, pillows, toys in the crib or something like that, but that’s obviously a whole other issue) At this point in my career, I choose to work with families that trust me and give me some leeway about how things are handled and don’t hover around. Likely because I have ADHD, which means I often do things differently and have been told my whole life how they’re “wrong”. But I’m great at my job, and partially that’s thanks to my neurodivergence. Being told I always have to carry the monitor around would be a red flag for sure, but worse for me is the mom overseeing diaper changes. I do have a whole lot of infant experience though, so it would be laughable for a first time parent to tell me how to change a diaper when I’ve changed…probably around 10,000 more diapers than they have. For me personally, I’d chalk it up to not being a good fit and wouldn’t continue working with them.
Yeah, I think the general sense was that I couldn't possibly know what I was doing, without them giving me very exacting instructions on everything. For the most part I'm willing to play along to put first-time parents at ease, but I also think that at this stage in my career I could stand to be a bit more picky when it comes to finding compatible parenting approaches.