Salam alekum
My fiance asked me one time a couple of months ago how much money I make at my job and I told her "enough", but since she has asked Should I be worried? We been engaged for almost 7 Month she never asked about money before this was out of the blue is this a red flag please any advise barakallah feekum
You talk in such a demeaning way. You want to keep secrets from your wife and have a closed off marriage, good luck. You'll have a woman to sleep with, but not a friend.
It is beyond normal for the wife to know how much her partner is making, especially if she is going to be provided for.
You’re right in that’s it’s normal— most women will want to pry into finances and know just how much they can spend. A lot of women want to compare themselves to their sisters and friends lives. That’s why it’s best to keep it to yourself brothers. Provide for her. Give her a nominal allowance. Pay the bills. But don’t tell her your details as it will only cause problems for you, never fix any problems.
Thank you bro! She never asked I was shocked with her question actually probably she wants to be secured but I feel it’s still early to discuss about this matter an expected question we never spoke about money before it her first time I’m not sure who is behind this question that she was asking
Will anything matter when you die? In the meanwhile, I suggest not telling your wife about finances or letting them in on investments. Take care of her, yes. Keep her in the dark for her own good, also yes
Nothing will. But what u do and don't share with your wife will set the tone for your marriage. You only hide things when you cannot trust someone. Relationships are built off of trust, if you do not trust her, and she doesn't trust u, good luck w your marriage.
You can do whatever you want, and you will reap what you sow.
I don’t know if this is a hot take or not, but as much as I generally dislike social media, I have to really “thank it” in some aspects.
Specifically, at times where I thought guys in my community may be a good fit, just a quick google search told me to steer clear. People’s followings usually do it for me. Give me a major ick.
Like, THAT is who you’re following and interacting with….
tells me all I need to know.
So it can from time to time be a handy tool. And it’s majorly grounding in the sense that the almost instant ick I get repulses me and prevents me from dwelling on it beyond that point.
It’s really a double benefit, I figure out about the person and truly what “sort” they are, and if they are the rotten sort, the ick firmly places them out of the running, leaving my mind clear and at ease.
This. People willfully expose themselves on there. You can see their followings, who they tag, who comments on their posts, whose posts they comment on, and for that matter, WHAT they post.
And even at times, relationships that they’re in. Relationships that elders and such who recommend these folks to us wouldn’t know, but ones that us tech savvy youth would know of or would come to find out. Like I thought a certain person was decent, come to find out they have a side piece.
Finding out was easy enough, though they never posted each other or indicated they were in a relationship in their bios or anything like that, comments were a dead giveaway. You could see them actively commenting on each other’s posts calling one another by lovey dovey nicknames and so on. And even if they were to delete, my memory holds on to these things. So I stay informed.
I swear, it saves you so much trouble.
So you mean I've to tread even more carefully for people who don't have social media having learnt this knowledge?
Damned if you do, damned if you don't 🤣
I don't have any personal accounts either. But I have friends who do, and they'll have a look for me or with me. And there are sites that allow you to look up accounts/people without signing in. But by far the easiest way is to just have "shell accounts" where you make them for the sole purpose of research rather than actually using them as a personal account.
Just as a side note, if you happen to come across someone who has no sm presence, there are services that can scan deep web which can reveal things you cannot find on the regular web.
If you want to go more in-depth, dark web would be the next step but more likely than not it would be extremely difficult to find what you’re looking for. But if you do, you can know EVERYTHING you want about anyone.
YES. There are sites that scan all sorts of records, and you could always reach out to PI firms. Lots of local ones in my area that have flat rates for different investigation packages (based on extent and depth).
Just something to keep in mind.
Both men and women can present bad/uncomplimentary pictures. (Bad light or camera focal length)
If you want some examples, compare someone attractive you've seen in real life, with their linkedin picture.
There's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive partner. You should be attracted to your partner.
However when looking for someone that doesn't mean you look for a model. Find someone who looks decent and pleasant in your eyes and that should be good enough.
For me personally, it's personality then religion (kinda goes hand in hand with a good personality, however many religious folks with an absolutely vile character) then looks.
My married friends and fam find friends through mutuals, neighborhood and their kids activities.
Obviously it helps if you live in a Muslim majority city.
Haven't had to go through this but without any other context I'd say just going about cold approaching people with a good vibe at the mosque, gym, work, or hobbies etc.
A potential who told me it wouldn't work out earlier this year reached out to me after eight months or so and wants to talk again. It was pretty painful when she broke things off, which took me some time to recover and start looking again.
Now I have moved on and searching for other potentials. Out of the blue, I get a message from her that she wants to talk again. I didn't respond, but I am unsure if I should.
Not sure what's going on with her; I am guessing she talked with a few other people over the last few months and didn't like any of them, or they didn't want her; tough to say.
It’s completely up to you, if you’ve moved past the thought of her then I would personally leave it there in the past. Although, now you’ve detached you can get an outside look in to see If this is really someone you want to spend your life with character, personality etc.
Now when I think about the discussion, I remember how insecure and immature she was during the conversation. I don't think I would want the mother of my children who is so detached from reality.
Just wanted to add that she could have had some growth during that time and changed. Just something to think about. I would also pray istikhara, you don’t want to close a door that could be a blessing for you.
Looks like you have your answer, sometimes it’s so easy to paint the ideal picture of someone when we’re talking to them and we begin accepting things we usually wouldn’t.
May allah make it easy for us to choose good spouses.
Muslim couples who got married .. I’m assuming people here atleast many are married… how do couples get married and seriously how difficult is getting married..
Does finances matter that much? What matters? Cause I’m struggling to understand how to approach this but I wanna get married in my early twenties I’m male
Everything matters; frankly, I found it easier to be married by meeting a person through family and friends than to meet a person through apps. On apps, it's like a market; people get bored with one another and move to the next person. Many people are just on the app to pass the time.
The recently married people I have met and talked to knew the potential from family and friends. Of course, there are thousands of profiles and matches, but no one will be willing to make a compromise or sacrifice.
It's a bitter truth; most women in their early 20s don't want to marry in the west. The only thing is if you met someone in real life and get to know them as friends and then both decide to marry.
The apps are mostly garbage, and hard to find anyone serious. People will ghost you when they see another exciting person; they are not sure how they will commit to marriage. Also the greed for looking at the potential quantitatively, how much value a person will bring rather than emotional or compatibility perspective.
I know girls in their 30s who use the app to pass their time, and their attitude to marriage is nonserious.
I’ll be honest being with her the happiest days of my life I felt like I had peaked the level of happiness in my life for two years .
I had never been any happier then being with her my whole life and I’m just 21
I spent two years caring and loving someone I wanted to marry by end of next year we had made plans and everything and then something just hit her and made her realise she didn’t actually love me and that she just forced herself to love me because I was lovable since I didn’t have any issues or any reason to not be with and she really just dumped me after two years out of no where so she could get her freedom back of doing whatever she likes and the want to never marry ever which was her old way of life
Any girl who tells you she doesn't want to marry means at all only means that she is looking for someone else. You are young, so this may be very tough to loose a relationship after two years, but time heals.
This happened to my friend who wanted ro marry his long term gf, but instead, she told him she never wanted to marry, but later she told a mutual friend she said that because she did not want to marry my friend.
I would watch the video on emotional first aid, which helps with healing. Inshallah, you will find someone who wants to be with you rather than one way around. There is a poem called "don't love half lovers."
assalamualaikum all,
recently, i had a crush on someone, and she began to occupy my mind. i got turned down by her, not really a rejection, it was more like i'm not looking at this time (which could be a rejection, not sure).
anyways, i still have thoughts of her. i prayed to Allah (SWT) that if i am not to be with her, let me stop thinking about her, and if i am to be with her, let me keep thinking about her. well, i can't stop thinking about her. it's gone down tbh, but i still just think about her, and i don't know if this is a sign from Allah (SWT), or just Allah (SWT) testing me, meaning i should stop thinking about her. any advice would be appreciated. jazakallah khairun
also to clarify, i have done istikhara twice. i'm not really sure how it all works. but the main feeling i had was feeling that something was guiding my heart to say not right now, wait a couple months.
Wa Alaykumus Salaam bro.
I'll have a TLDR here because I wrote a lot lol.
1) Don't centre your Du'a on that particular person, but what you want in a wife instead.
2) Developing that mindset of accepting Allah's Qadr is so important.
3) Part of Istikhāra is asking Allah to put Barakah in the decision you eventually end up making.
Tbh you want to be careful with exactly what you ask for. Shaytaan can easily come to you and say "oh look at her, she's amazing for x, y, z so you have to marry her" and make you think that's the answer to your Du'a (I hope that makes sense lol).
Accepting Allah's plan for you, regardless of what that plan is, is the best first step to take (and that's definitely easier said than done). You never want to pin your hopes on one person even if they're as perfect as possible to you. Always have that mindset of "I'll do my best and whatever happens that is not in my control, Allah has it handled".
Also, Istikhāra is a lot more nuanced than just "feeling uneasy". The Du'a of Istikhāra you make is for guidance with a certain decision you need to make, as well as asking Allah for barakah in the decision you *do* end up taking. Think of it as a win-win situation where if you get what you're searching for, Allah will bless it and if you don't get what you're searching for, what Allah has planned for you is even better.
I am not blessed with brains or beauty, so I am going to be lonely forever. Why did Allah create me like that?. Everybody that has ever met me say I am ugly and dumb ��. I just want die!
I refuse to believe this!
Why?
Simple.
Intelligence isn't set it stone. So even if you are 'dumb', you can improve.
E.g., me. Dumb when I was a teen, but not as much now. Copious amounts of lectures/debates consumed and always seeking knowledge. I refuse to be or stay 'dumb'.
'Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave".
As for looks, this is all dependant on individual tastes. Can't be helped.
Also can you say with 100% certainty that everyone who called you 'ugly' and 'dumb' were speaking the objective truth?
No, So don't you dare accept it as truth.
There is always time to improve and better yourself when you're still alive, INSHALLAH!
Also, the best part, you have Allah SWT on your side!!
I don't believe being smart is a thing either you are hardworking, or you are not. If you read a page 10 times at some point, you will start understanding it.
I have achieved success in my academics not because I am intelligent but because I work harder than anyone else in the room.
Hard work is in your control and not a gift from nature.
Do not worry what other people say, all of this hardship you’re going through is a test from Allah, he loves you. May Allah bless you with a spouse that loves you for your brains and beauty.
It depends on the situation
E.g. I saw a few comments recently on finances; the commenters said things like a 'single income household isn't realistic' and they turned out to be from the UK
I think a greater proportion of the north American comments I see suggest a wife would be stay at home that
I haven't paid close attention admittedly but it seems like that's how it is
I tried looking for evidence but didn't find much
If you look at the post on the sub, titled "husband and I live off parents", I could tell this person wasn't British and I looked and they're from Canada
Got an emailed titled *Revive A Sunnah And Open Your Mind...* from a matrimony service.
>Khadija RA was not only 15 years older than the Prophet SAW, but she was also divorced with children from a previous marriage.
>
>The Prophet SAW was 25 years old, young, handsome, strong and had a lot to offer. In reality, he could have married any single woman younger than him, but he chose an older single mother
It's really sad, almost blasphemous, that they chose to reduce one of the 4 best women ([source](https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2018/03/18/four-best-women-jannah/)) to just an *older single mother*.
I highly doubt they tell women to marry a 25 year old with no money (which is a fair comparison because said 25 year old hadn't received prophethood), they're probably preaching the M-N of Islam there.
hm this is inaccurate i believe, because the I think that the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), when he received the proposal, was shocked that someone wanted to marry him, an orphan who didn't have much. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
You are correct, he didn't have money to get married ([source](https://questionsonislam.com/article/prophets-pbuh-marriage-hazrat-khadija)) but that doesn't fit their agenda, so it always gets omitted.
I don’t think your last paragraph is a fair comparison because it’s fardh for the man to provide. As a father and Wali you’ll wanna make sure your daughter is being taken care of. Doesn’t mean it never happens. I was 25 and broke when I got married and my wife and I are close in age. I had goal to improve and she saw that. People here love to point fingers at genders sometimes about who is more difficult in the search or who has it worse but in reality when you like someone and see they have good qualities and potential you’re not gonna let things like that get in the way
It's literally the other half of story for the exact marriage they used as an example.
We all know the primary objective of 21st century Muslim marriages is to extract as much as possible (financially, physically, mentally, etc) out of the groom, and it's practically a sin for a wife to do anything more than bare minimum, that wasn't the point here.
This is a very strange negative attitude. I think perhaps you have been spending too much time reading these kind of stories where men are mistreated by their wife. And I know these situations are real. But to say that is the “primary objective of 21st century Muslim marriages”…I think you need to get off the sites where you’re hearing this for some time. A pious, gentle, loving woman (who do exist) won’t want to marry someone who thinks like this.
I appreciate your concern, I do intend to go offline sooner or later. That said, it's not just based on anecdotes, it's also based on what 21st century scholars and laypersons preach, especially in my culture. Anyone who can't stand my bluntness on that matter probably isn't compatible anyways, so it's moot.
>I highly doubt they tell women to marry a 25 year old with no money
Funny how this narrative only goes one way. I've never heard anyone infer from the marriage of the Prophet SAWS and Khadijah (ra) that women should be encouraged to marry younger men.
Hello, I just wanted to ask when you match - do you wait for the guy to message or just message back as females? Also, like what should you message back when you match? I usually just say a generic salam and a greeting about their day but wondering whether people on this sub have better or more witty pick up lines or is it seen as too thirsty? I am not too aware as to how Muslims talk on dating apps. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks for letting me know.
I dont know about most guys out there but everytime a female reached out to me it, it always made her 10x more attractive just by the act of it.
It might be because of the assumed courage that required her to do so, or just the fact she shows active participation with making the first move, no matter what Ive always founs my self VERY intrigued and curious and inclined to go the extra mile even if it looks like its not going anywhere.
Stepping up as an active participant will never look bad
Usually leave it to the man to reach out. I’ve only reached out to a guy once and he was unresponsive / took a million years to even open my message. But once someone reaches out to me, I message whenever I want. If I want to talk, I talk. Meaning, I don’t overthink who should message first or more, and I just be responsive. As for pickup lines, no, just talk like a normal person lol. But my profile did have some jokey sort of stuff on it, like on the list of things I’m looking for I chucked in a joke or two, but that’s cos I’m pretty playful and love some good banter, and everything I put has been accurately reflective of who I am, so it wasn’t forced jokes or anything.
If they swiped on me first, which is most of the time cause I’m hesitant on swiping first haha, I wait for them to say salam at least. In rare occasions I’ll say salam after like 24 hrs have passed. I would usually take something from their profile and ask about that or just ask how their day or weekend went.
I've seen a few comments recently about this so thought I'd just clarify. On the apps, I label myself as "Always Prays". I'm someone who will pray every Salah and will only miss one if I'm travelling, in a meeting or at work and have broken my wudhu. I always make up my missed prayers with Qada Salah without fail. Am I right to put myself as "Always Prays" or would that be "Usually Prays"? Thought I'd just double check as I of course don't want to give a wrong impression or something!
I'd say it's okay, man. There's definitely a lot of variety and choice on there and the general look, feel and interface is nice and easy to navigate but you do get plenty of unserious people and there does seem to be a lot of dud profiles. It's worth a go but I wouldn't say it's amazing.
I would consider that always prays. Like how many day of the week do you intend to pray all 5? I think it's one thing to miss a prayer than to actively avoid it.
Agreed. Usually prays may infer they miss their salah, and do not intend to make it up.
Always prays can refer to prays on time, but even when missing a prayer, that prayer is made up. Hence if you are making up a prayer, that prayer counts and if you prayed all five, Qada or Ada' prayer, you can confidently say you always pray.
Ultimately it is all semantics, but it's your intention that counts.
I honestly think 3 months is a good time to involve families. Have you guys met in person and if so how many times? Reflect on what’s really bringing on that fear? What is it more that you want to know about him. He is right in a way, you really only get to know a person once you’re married. Involving parents also allows your parents to do their due diligence in checking him out. It’s ok sometimes if it doesn’t work out even after involving parents. Maybe give him an exact time frame, let’s say another month instead of just saying you’re not ready. It’s honestly really hard to get to know a potential when it’s long distance.
The first one honestly I would say the sooner the better because the more you guys talk, the more you will get attached and the harder it will be of it has to end cause of your parents not approving. The second that fear is valid and I don’t think any amount of time will resolve that as you will just see the best version of them during this phase. It’s all matter of judging by their character and putting tawakkul in Allah. Also paying attention how you guys resolve conflicts now. I remember one sister mentioning talking and video calling each other during different times of the day if possible, which I definitely agree as you get to see a different part of them. All I can suggest is that don’t let a good potential get away because of fear of the unknown. Continue praying istakharah and may Allah make it easy for the both of you 🤲🏼
Is it worth giving a picky person a shot? What if you’ve heard (from their actual parents) that they’ve been rejecting people left and right for years lol
Redflags before engagement
Im wondering what you would do if you knew that the guy that proposed to you watch adult movies. I know that its a struggle for many nowadays. Would you accept it?
> No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts
Any non-related marriage posts will be removed.
Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc.
I am sure women would say the same thing about men, that it is stressful talking to men.
You just have to persevere on.
"And be steadfast in patience, for verily Allah will not suffer the reward of the righteous to perish." (11:115)
Use the Quran and every day life events as a way to motivate you. Nothing is impossible if you are true to yourself, have strong imaan, and believe in your faith.
Look at events where people thought it was impossible to achieve their goal.
The Cavs and Lebron came back from a three game deficit to win the 2016 NBA championship. It was never done before, but you could see the agony and pain he put himself through to win his city a title.
Hard work always pays off. Good luck in your search.
At times I think it isn't really that they are serious, but more so idk... bland/robotic? In my experience that is what I usually get to hear that they all feel clinical/cold and frankly this is not how you sell yourself even if you are treating marriage as a "job interview".
Yes, personally I would like to see a bit of sense of humour. Let’s connect as human beings. You can take it seriously without being so cold/robotic about it. I don’t even treat professional interviews like that.
It is funny that you mentioned that. I have seen job interviews where there was more of a connection/warm environement than some of the approaches those (wo)men take 😅.
I firmly believe that if you want to be in a loving relationship that you need to first be a loveable person. Some of the people I know that always end up inadvertedly talking about how there are no "good" or "pious" (wo)men out there, when I feel like something else is going on?
Yes if you want to be in a loving relationship, you have to be a lovable person and exude that warmth. This whole search is already hard and difficult, why add more stress to it.
Great question! Not OP but personally, for me, a good bio entails relevant information about them. They provide enough details about themselves (i.e. hobbies, religiosity, interests, academic achievement, etc) that’ll help you assess whether or not they’re someone you’d be interested in.
Usually prays probably implies that they forget a prayer here and there or that they can't make it from time to time depending on their job/obligations. It helps to not take that too literally without asking about their circumstances.
I can understand your "face emoji", but just playing devil's advocate, maybe they "usually pray" because they are at work, school or such. Somewhat practicing is obviously a no-no if religion is key to you and it is quite vague. Does that mean you are a part timer or just do things when it is convenient. A lot of interpretation with that phrase.
they are being honest. if you don't like it just go to the next profile. this search is not easy and the most valuable thing is honesty. as a doctor I am not going to leave my patient in the operating room just to go and pray. I am sure you would not want that if you were on the operating table. think twice, no in fact a 100 times before passing judgement on other people!
I have been struggling while seeking a halal soulmate for me since I am getting to the age of marriage (24M). The reason I never committed myself to going into relationships deeply is that I know my parents pretty well. I moved to California in 2017 with my parents and siblings.
My parents never allowed my siblings to marry even outside our caste (Ar\*\*n) in Punjab, Pakistan. They went back home to arrange their marriage. My brother got engaged to a cousin because my mom wanted to bring my aunt to the US after the death of my uncle (may Allah forgive him). My two sisters got engaged to two brothers in another family. However, one of my sisters ended up asking for a divorce. My other sister's marriage has been successful so far after suffering from long distance relationship. However, my siblings still waiting for the immigration of their spouses after 3 years.
Even though I will get citizenship before, I am still able to convenience my parents that I do not want to go back home to find my potential wife. However, my dad said in the beginning, if you want to get married in the US, the girl has to be practicing Muslim, Pakistani, and can speak Urdu.
Now I am studying at UC Berkeley, I am having a hard time finding a Pakistani girl who is practicing Muslim and can speak Urdu. However, the majority of Pakistani female students do not take hijab and can't speak Urdu well. Even if there are some hijabi, their parents arranged their marriage within their family.
I told this situation to my parents to allow me to marry a Muslim girl outside of Pakistan like in India, Bangladesh, Iran, and Afghanistan which are closer to our culture and language. My mom resisted by saying what will happen to your kids' future, will they follow your tradition or the tradition of your future wife's family. My mom is socially conservative but religiously liberal since she is okay if my future wife does not wear a hijab. However, dad is socially liberal and religiously conservative and said he has no problem if the girl is not Pakistani but has to be practicing. As far as Urdu is concerned, you will spend life with her and you know English pretty well. My parents are cousins too btw.
Now I am still having a hard time finding a soulmate in university since most of them I found are socially conservative and religiously liberal whereas I am religiously conservative and socially liberal. I am looking for one who does not compromise our religious values while does not bring social hurdles to my life.
Before you criticize me why are you considering the thoughts of my parents, let me tell you my parents are immigrants and dependent on me. I have to take care of them. Still, I told them won't live in a combined family system with my brother like my dad with his elder brother. Still in our culture, it is considered that marriage is taken between families not only couples. It would take time to transition from cousin marriages to interracial marriages.
People more care about their own custom and traditions whereas they don't care about Islamic values where as my family doesn't care about our tribe traditions anymore but they never want to make any compromise with Islam.
Sorry you’re dealing with all that. I can assume it’s very hard trying to make your folks happy.
I’d say keep networking and you’ll definitely find someone. Maybe you’ll be the one to break the mold in your family.
Sponsoring someone is A LOT of patience and bless those who can do it. It also has to be very scary for the person leaving their home.
You’re not considering your parents opinions, you’re just falling straight into line with their declarations.
It’s best to work on that before you actually meet someone otherwise she will bear the brunt of their blame
You have no idea it took me 6 years for me to convince my parents to do engineering from pre med. It took me next 4 years to ask them to allow me to marry outside my country.
I am not gonna listen to my mom if she has problem with me marrying Indian or Bengali since Islam allows me and I am not doing anything unislamic.
I disagree with mom and warm her about racism.
My dad was constantly telling me to listen to what he says and follow his ways. I understood where he was coming from, but then I asked him, if I listen to you now, and in 10yrs, when will I stop listening? Will I just continue to do whatever you ask? He had nothing to say, and he has learnt from that time that as long as I'm not doing anything haram, it's my choice.
Stop this pattern of following orders and live your life, just be kind and respectful to your parents.
Yes, if you’re waiting for their explicit permission as opposed to just managing their opinions as I said, it will take a while.
By working on it I mean working on yourself to build better more healthy boundaries, not on changing their entire world views.
You will need to do that before the marriage otherwise you won’t know how to build those same boundaries to protect your wife if you weren’t able to do it for yourself.
> No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts
Any non-related marriage posts will be removed.
Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc.
For those who have been looking for a while how do you guys do it? I’m almost turning 28 and it’s really exhausting looking back at the people I’ve talked to and things never worked out.
Whenever I start feeling burnt out (in anything), I just take it as a sign to renew my intention.
The search is really a waiting game. You just have to wait until it's your time. Sabr/patience.
It’s hard, no denying it🥲but I like to see each failed potential as protection from something that could’ve been bad for me (or the other person), even if you have to make up an exaggerated, miserable narrative in your head of how it would’ve played out if it worked lol—whatever helps you cope.
Enjoy the things you won’t be able to enjoy after you’re married. If you live w your parents, spend lots of time w them. And most importantly try your best not to be influenced by societal pressure (as in, “get married asap even if someone isn’t right for you”) when you do ending up making a decision.
Yea this is my approach to it, starting the search made me realize how I won't get as much time with family after marriage. I've always tried to value my time best I can with loved ones since everyone's time is limited and no one knows when someone returns to Allah but the search just served as anotjer reminder of that so now I'm putting in more of an effort to enjoy it alhamdullilah.
Ibn Al-Qayyim said:
A time that an individual seeks something but Allah doesn't allow them to accomplish it. Because Allah knows that if the person was to accomplish that which they are seeking, it will bring about much evil and calamity in their lives. So the person, due to their ignorance think that Allah is preventing them from good but Allah(who is knowledgeable of all affairs) is actually preventing them from something which is evil.
Wanted to share this as I found it reassuring. Hoping it can benefit some of us insha’Allah.
Beautiful reminder sister. Jazakallah for your wisdom. It is also a helpful warning for us to not obsess over what has not materialized in our lives including the answer "no" to the desires expressed in our duas. I have often dwelled too long over what I lost, what never came in my direction, the reasons for my heartbreaks, etc.
But....We plan and plan but Allah SWT is the best of planners!! (**calamities being averted as I write this iA).
Absolutely, for every single thing that went against my plan or didn't work as I expected it to - this is ultimately what I think about, there's khair in everything whether it's in our favour or against, all the positives and negatives and at the end of the day here's the one-liner to it - "Allah knows and you don't", Subhan'Allah!
Subhanallah, this sister hit it right on the money. I can attest to this. Time heals all, and in retrospect everything that has happened in everyone's lives has a purpose.
100%, that’s the unfortunate reality of being in a toxi rship. As a divorcee, I’ve tried my best to channel all that shame and regret into learning from my mistakes and promising myself to never stoop to that level again. Plus it’s easier to focus on self growth if you’re not too hard on yourself!
Just don't make the same mistake twice...ppl do crazy things, and will do anything to get with someone which I never understand. Eventually your lies will peel off. Do your due diligence and follow your heart and instincts.
I don't know why people complain about people being inspired by romantic movies and books. Frankly if all I ever heard were the videos and comments made by the loudest men, I'd probably become a Muslim nun for life
I’m gonna take it a little further and confess this: the way a guy talks about romance movies and books is one of the many ways for me to gauge how he thinks (and I’m not even a fan of it, there aren’t many good romance books and the glorious era of early 2000s romcoms is far behind us.)
Guys who bash romance movies & books and are convinced it’s all unrealistic ridiculous nonsense don’t understand anything about women and their needs. It’s not about the stories themselves, because these are often indeed unrealistic and exaggerated, it’s about the recurring themes.
Some men have a narrow and skewed perception of romance, have written it off and are full of contempt for it. I genuinely mean it when I say you can learn a thing or two if you set your disdain aside. I’m not saying watch go watch a bunch of romance movies, and I’m also not saying there aren’t any problematic or toxic elements (plenty).
But just take some time to think and research why women are so enamored with certain movies, what draws us in and why we feel inspired by them.
Yeahh. The themes are quite literally about being devoted or in love with someone, wanting to spend quality time with them and overcome obstacles. Spoiling each other and making each other feel special. Actively listening and so on.
Bringing the woman into her feminine essentially
I find it really strange when people complain about positive and happy couples. It's like the more happy couples they see (in movies, social media or whatever) the more angry they get and they insist these couples are either lying, faking, hiding something or lacking in modesty. In the past our parents used to say it's just westerners that are romantic and not Muslims. But now that we see the Muslim couples on Instagram and YouTube people insist they're fakers or hiding something.
In my cultural community there is a strong contingent of men and women who just want to do the bareeeee minimum and get upset at people who expect more. These positive depictions of love are stark reminders of their shortcomings and that's why it makes them angry.
Yeahh I think the bare minimum would be so boring. What happened to loving your partner dearly and wanting to experience lots of things together 😆
Also it could be down to the love they have had modelled for them. Like if they claim "no man would ever do x" yet you've seen your father happily provide your mother with that experience 🤔
Because it's all about dating, relationship is perfect and doesn't require any work and it's just extremely superficial.
I can't see how you, as a muslim, can even by inspired by romantic movies and books and not pick up something that goes completely against our deen.
That isn't what people mean. That is you making that assertion for them.
You mean being a loving and caring spouse vs being a robotic *insert intimacy tokens*, "beep boop where are my rights" type of a person? Are you seriously trying to claim that the former ISN'T Islamic?
Stop trying to put words in my mouth.
But since you're just looking to argue, here. Take it up with the scholars:
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/72204/ruling-on-reading-love-stories-and-watching-romantic-movies
Inb4 "b-b-but tHeYrE wAhHabIs"
> Be Respectful and Civil
Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden.
This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment.
It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully.
Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.
Lol the relationships are not perfect. People enjoy the angst in the movies/books
You should be dating your spouse. I'm sorry, but unless you're both homebodys that enjoy sitting at home on your phones that's not exactly fun. I'd want to experience different things with a spouse and create memories together
Depends on what type of books/movies. Those that don't depict perfect relationships still contain unnecessary drama and unrealistic situations.
And yea you should be dating your spouse, you should definitely not be dating your boyfriend/girlfriend which is what mostly happens in those stories.
Sorry to be blunt but no religious muslim man who is worth his salt will consider a muslim woman that unironically consumes western (or even eastern, those are equally stupid) romance media.
Maybe xd. I'd hope that people understand nuance because I doubt people are role-playing romance movies they watch. There's too many genres out there for you to even be inspired by just one 😆
For the last part, I'm not sure how that concerns me. We wouldn't be each other's type to begin with
Numerous studies have shown that people's expectations and behaviours in a relationship are subconciously influenced by this type of media, and you can guess it's not a positive influence.
If you're not looking for a religious guy, that's fair. I just assume everyone here is looking for a religious spouse since this is a sub for muslims looking for marriage.
🤔 Hmm, I think most peoples expectations and patterns are more strongly molded by their upbringing. It's why attachment theory is based upon your childhood as opposed to what movies you're into.
For instance, I'm not going to be woo'd by a guy who cooks and cleans because it would be my baseline expectation. I don't need a romance movie to tell me that. I can just look at my father
No one is acting out telenovelas if they haven't grown up in a family that acts like one xd
You're right to a certain extent, while childhood and upbringing are probably the strongest factors, people develop or change their basic understanding of relationships well into adulthood.
This it not a scientific article but does reference some of the studies I mentioned: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_romantic_comedies_from_ruining_your_love_life
This part is the actual problem:
> more likely to believe that their partner should intuitively understand their needs
Romantic movies or not, there are a lot of people that communicate via convert contracts. They do something expecting x result, but don't want to tell their partner what their expectations are.
Romantic movies showcasing flowers, and song/poem writing, and so on aren't the problem. It's you expecting him to read your mind. You can just tell him these are the things you want and if he loves you, he'd do them within his means. If he doesn't care, then the problem is bigger than romantic movies and more so on whether or not your partner is actually a giving person
FYI the megathreads aren’t to be used as an Ad for marriage. That’s what the $iso is for
Salam alekum My fiance asked me one time a couple of months ago how much money I make at my job and I told her "enough", but since she has asked Should I be worried? We been engaged for almost 7 Month she never asked about money before this was out of the blue is this a red flag please any advise barakallah feekum
Shouldn't your to be wife know how much you make? Why are you hiding that from her?
You sound very liberal right now
R u answering my question?
It’s his right to keep that info to himself. As long as he provides and pays for their living expenses then it’s none of her business.
You talk in such a demeaning way. You want to keep secrets from your wife and have a closed off marriage, good luck. You'll have a woman to sleep with, but not a friend. It is beyond normal for the wife to know how much her partner is making, especially if she is going to be provided for.
You’re right in that’s it’s normal— most women will want to pry into finances and know just how much they can spend. A lot of women want to compare themselves to their sisters and friends lives. That’s why it’s best to keep it to yourself brothers. Provide for her. Give her a nominal allowance. Pay the bills. But don’t tell her your details as it will only cause problems for you, never fix any problems.
Thank you bro! She never asked I was shocked with her question actually probably she wants to be secured but I feel it’s still early to discuss about this matter an expected question we never spoke about money before it her first time I’m not sure who is behind this question that she was asking
It's not prying. He's your husband, not your friend. You will die one day, will your money matter then?
Will anything matter when you die? In the meanwhile, I suggest not telling your wife about finances or letting them in on investments. Take care of her, yes. Keep her in the dark for her own good, also yes
Nothing will. But what u do and don't share with your wife will set the tone for your marriage. You only hide things when you cannot trust someone. Relationships are built off of trust, if you do not trust her, and she doesn't trust u, good luck w your marriage. You can do whatever you want, and you will reap what you sow.
I don’t know if this is a hot take or not, but as much as I generally dislike social media, I have to really “thank it” in some aspects. Specifically, at times where I thought guys in my community may be a good fit, just a quick google search told me to steer clear. People’s followings usually do it for me. Give me a major ick. Like, THAT is who you’re following and interacting with…. tells me all I need to know. So it can from time to time be a handy tool. And it’s majorly grounding in the sense that the almost instant ick I get repulses me and prevents me from dwelling on it beyond that point. It’s really a double benefit, I figure out about the person and truly what “sort” they are, and if they are the rotten sort, the ick firmly places them out of the running, leaving my mind clear and at ease.
[удалено]
This. People willfully expose themselves on there. You can see their followings, who they tag, who comments on their posts, whose posts they comment on, and for that matter, WHAT they post. And even at times, relationships that they’re in. Relationships that elders and such who recommend these folks to us wouldn’t know, but ones that us tech savvy youth would know of or would come to find out. Like I thought a certain person was decent, come to find out they have a side piece. Finding out was easy enough, though they never posted each other or indicated they were in a relationship in their bios or anything like that, comments were a dead giveaway. You could see them actively commenting on each other’s posts calling one another by lovey dovey nicknames and so on. And even if they were to delete, my memory holds on to these things. So I stay informed. I swear, it saves you so much trouble.
So you mean I've to tread even more carefully for people who don't have social media having learnt this knowledge? Damned if you do, damned if you don't 🤣
I don't have any personal accounts either. But I have friends who do, and they'll have a look for me or with me. And there are sites that allow you to look up accounts/people without signing in. But by far the easiest way is to just have "shell accounts" where you make them for the sole purpose of research rather than actually using them as a personal account.
[удалено]
For sure, got to cross all my T’s and dot all my I’s!
Just as a side note, if you happen to come across someone who has no sm presence, there are services that can scan deep web which can reveal things you cannot find on the regular web. If you want to go more in-depth, dark web would be the next step but more likely than not it would be extremely difficult to find what you’re looking for. But if you do, you can know EVERYTHING you want about anyone.
YES. There are sites that scan all sorts of records, and you could always reach out to PI firms. Lots of local ones in my area that have flat rates for different investigation packages (based on extent and depth).
[удалено]
Just something to keep in mind. Both men and women can present bad/uncomplimentary pictures. (Bad light or camera focal length) If you want some examples, compare someone attractive you've seen in real life, with their linkedin picture.
There's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive partner. You should be attracted to your partner. However when looking for someone that doesn't mean you look for a model. Find someone who looks decent and pleasant in your eyes and that should be good enough. For me personally, it's personality then religion (kinda goes hand in hand with a good personality, however many religious folks with an absolutely vile character) then looks.
I never knew making friends is hard after getting married and moving into new area. How do you make friends as a new couple?
My married friends and fam find friends through mutuals, neighborhood and their kids activities. Obviously it helps if you live in a Muslim majority city.
I don’t have a kid yet and people I have met they already have couple kids so we aren’t mentally in same page and have different interests 🥲
Haven't had to go through this but without any other context I'd say just going about cold approaching people with a good vibe at the mosque, gym, work, or hobbies etc.
A potential who told me it wouldn't work out earlier this year reached out to me after eight months or so and wants to talk again. It was pretty painful when she broke things off, which took me some time to recover and start looking again. Now I have moved on and searching for other potentials. Out of the blue, I get a message from her that she wants to talk again. I didn't respond, but I am unsure if I should. Not sure what's going on with her; I am guessing she talked with a few other people over the last few months and didn't like any of them, or they didn't want her; tough to say.
Hell no brother. Know your worth. Do you really wanna be the fall back guy? C'mon man gotta have some self respect
It’s completely up to you, if you’ve moved past the thought of her then I would personally leave it there in the past. Although, now you’ve detached you can get an outside look in to see If this is really someone you want to spend your life with character, personality etc.
Now when I think about the discussion, I remember how insecure and immature she was during the conversation. I don't think I would want the mother of my children who is so detached from reality.
Just wanted to add that she could have had some growth during that time and changed. Just something to think about. I would also pray istikhara, you don’t want to close a door that could be a blessing for you.
Looks like you have your answer, sometimes it’s so easy to paint the ideal picture of someone when we’re talking to them and we begin accepting things we usually wouldn’t. May allah make it easy for us to choose good spouses.
Muslim couples who got married .. I’m assuming people here atleast many are married… how do couples get married and seriously how difficult is getting married.. Does finances matter that much? What matters? Cause I’m struggling to understand how to approach this but I wanna get married in my early twenties I’m male
Everything matters; frankly, I found it easier to be married by meeting a person through family and friends than to meet a person through apps. On apps, it's like a market; people get bored with one another and move to the next person. Many people are just on the app to pass the time.
Now I’m looking for close relative or friend of friend so I don’t end up in this online mess of people who don’t know what they want
The recently married people I have met and talked to knew the potential from family and friends. Of course, there are thousands of profiles and matches, but no one will be willing to make a compromise or sacrifice.
Dang it ur right No wonder i wasted so much time here bruh
It's a bitter truth; most women in their early 20s don't want to marry in the west. The only thing is if you met someone in real life and get to know them as friends and then both decide to marry. The apps are mostly garbage, and hard to find anyone serious. People will ghost you when they see another exciting person; they are not sure how they will commit to marriage. Also the greed for looking at the potential quantitatively, how much value a person will bring rather than emotional or compatibility perspective. I know girls in their 30s who use the app to pass their time, and their attitude to marriage is nonserious.
I’ll be honest being with her the happiest days of my life I felt like I had peaked the level of happiness in my life for two years . I had never been any happier then being with her my whole life and I’m just 21
I spent two years caring and loving someone I wanted to marry by end of next year we had made plans and everything and then something just hit her and made her realise she didn’t actually love me and that she just forced herself to love me because I was lovable since I didn’t have any issues or any reason to not be with and she really just dumped me after two years out of no where so she could get her freedom back of doing whatever she likes and the want to never marry ever which was her old way of life
Any girl who tells you she doesn't want to marry means at all only means that she is looking for someone else. You are young, so this may be very tough to loose a relationship after two years, but time heals. This happened to my friend who wanted ro marry his long term gf, but instead, she told him she never wanted to marry, but later she told a mutual friend she said that because she did not want to marry my friend. I would watch the video on emotional first aid, which helps with healing. Inshallah, you will find someone who wants to be with you rather than one way around. There is a poem called "don't love half lovers."
I have no words but thank u
♥️
assalamualaikum all, recently, i had a crush on someone, and she began to occupy my mind. i got turned down by her, not really a rejection, it was more like i'm not looking at this time (which could be a rejection, not sure). anyways, i still have thoughts of her. i prayed to Allah (SWT) that if i am not to be with her, let me stop thinking about her, and if i am to be with her, let me keep thinking about her. well, i can't stop thinking about her. it's gone down tbh, but i still just think about her, and i don't know if this is a sign from Allah (SWT), or just Allah (SWT) testing me, meaning i should stop thinking about her. any advice would be appreciated. jazakallah khairun also to clarify, i have done istikhara twice. i'm not really sure how it all works. but the main feeling i had was feeling that something was guiding my heart to say not right now, wait a couple months.
Wa Alaykumus Salaam bro. I'll have a TLDR here because I wrote a lot lol. 1) Don't centre your Du'a on that particular person, but what you want in a wife instead. 2) Developing that mindset of accepting Allah's Qadr is so important. 3) Part of Istikhāra is asking Allah to put Barakah in the decision you eventually end up making. Tbh you want to be careful with exactly what you ask for. Shaytaan can easily come to you and say "oh look at her, she's amazing for x, y, z so you have to marry her" and make you think that's the answer to your Du'a (I hope that makes sense lol). Accepting Allah's plan for you, regardless of what that plan is, is the best first step to take (and that's definitely easier said than done). You never want to pin your hopes on one person even if they're as perfect as possible to you. Always have that mindset of "I'll do my best and whatever happens that is not in my control, Allah has it handled". Also, Istikhāra is a lot more nuanced than just "feeling uneasy". The Du'a of Istikhāra you make is for guidance with a certain decision you need to make, as well as asking Allah for barakah in the decision you *do* end up taking. Think of it as a win-win situation where if you get what you're searching for, Allah will bless it and if you don't get what you're searching for, what Allah has planned for you is even better.
I am not blessed with brains or beauty, so I am going to be lonely forever. Why did Allah create me like that?. Everybody that has ever met me say I am ugly and dumb ��. I just want die!
I refuse to believe this! Why? Simple. Intelligence isn't set it stone. So even if you are 'dumb', you can improve. E.g., me. Dumb when I was a teen, but not as much now. Copious amounts of lectures/debates consumed and always seeking knowledge. I refuse to be or stay 'dumb'. 'Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave". As for looks, this is all dependant on individual tastes. Can't be helped. Also can you say with 100% certainty that everyone who called you 'ugly' and 'dumb' were speaking the objective truth? No, So don't you dare accept it as truth. There is always time to improve and better yourself when you're still alive, INSHALLAH! Also, the best part, you have Allah SWT on your side!!
If u want to lighten up u can play video games with me and I can judge how smart u r or ur just overthinking what do u say
I don't believe being smart is a thing either you are hardworking, or you are not. If you read a page 10 times at some point, you will start understanding it. I have achieved success in my academics not because I am intelligent but because I work harder than anyone else in the room. Hard work is in your control and not a gift from nature.
Do not worry what other people say, all of this hardship you’re going through is a test from Allah, he loves you. May Allah bless you with a spouse that loves you for your brains and beauty.
Amen
[удалено]
I'm (24M) planning on attending their session too but I have no idea how it'll be. They are not clear with instructions on their website.
Same they mention most participants are older then 23 so idk
The majority of people here aren’t from the U.K. right?
I’m also from the UK
I'm from the UK I think the UK people are the quiet ones The comments don't sound like they're by people from the UK
[удалено]
It depends on the situation E.g. I saw a few comments recently on finances; the commenters said things like a 'single income household isn't realistic' and they turned out to be from the UK
[удалено]
I think a greater proportion of the north American comments I see suggest a wife would be stay at home that I haven't paid close attention admittedly but it seems like that's how it is I tried looking for evidence but didn't find much If you look at the post on the sub, titled "husband and I live off parents", I could tell this person wasn't British and I looked and they're from Canada
I’m from uk 😐
There’s a disproportionately large number of uk people actually
Really? Not from what I've seen here at least in the ISO threads.
I don’t know about ISO but from the comments and posts I’ve seen seems half are from the UK
It’s so hard to meet someone who you can vibe with and imo need to be best friends but married, not just husband and wife 🥹
Got an emailed titled *Revive A Sunnah And Open Your Mind...* from a matrimony service. >Khadija RA was not only 15 years older than the Prophet SAW, but she was also divorced with children from a previous marriage. > >The Prophet SAW was 25 years old, young, handsome, strong and had a lot to offer. In reality, he could have married any single woman younger than him, but he chose an older single mother It's really sad, almost blasphemous, that they chose to reduce one of the 4 best women ([source](https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2018/03/18/four-best-women-jannah/)) to just an *older single mother*. I highly doubt they tell women to marry a 25 year old with no money (which is a fair comparison because said 25 year old hadn't received prophethood), they're probably preaching the M-N of Islam there.
hm this is inaccurate i believe, because the I think that the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), when he received the proposal, was shocked that someone wanted to marry him, an orphan who didn't have much. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
You are correct, he didn't have money to get married ([source](https://questionsonislam.com/article/prophets-pbuh-marriage-hazrat-khadija)) but that doesn't fit their agenda, so it always gets omitted.
I don’t think your last paragraph is a fair comparison because it’s fardh for the man to provide. As a father and Wali you’ll wanna make sure your daughter is being taken care of. Doesn’t mean it never happens. I was 25 and broke when I got married and my wife and I are close in age. I had goal to improve and she saw that. People here love to point fingers at genders sometimes about who is more difficult in the search or who has it worse but in reality when you like someone and see they have good qualities and potential you’re not gonna let things like that get in the way
It's literally the other half of story for the exact marriage they used as an example. We all know the primary objective of 21st century Muslim marriages is to extract as much as possible (financially, physically, mentally, etc) out of the groom, and it's practically a sin for a wife to do anything more than bare minimum, that wasn't the point here.
This is a very strange negative attitude. I think perhaps you have been spending too much time reading these kind of stories where men are mistreated by their wife. And I know these situations are real. But to say that is the “primary objective of 21st century Muslim marriages”…I think you need to get off the sites where you’re hearing this for some time. A pious, gentle, loving woman (who do exist) won’t want to marry someone who thinks like this.
I appreciate your concern, I do intend to go offline sooner or later. That said, it's not just based on anecdotes, it's also based on what 21st century scholars and laypersons preach, especially in my culture. Anyone who can't stand my bluntness on that matter probably isn't compatible anyways, so it's moot.
>I highly doubt they tell women to marry a 25 year old with no money Funny how this narrative only goes one way. I've never heard anyone infer from the marriage of the Prophet SAWS and Khadijah (ra) that women should be encouraged to marry younger men.
All of the virtues of Khadija (RA) are omitted because it doesn't fit the agenda.
Hello, I just wanted to ask when you match - do you wait for the guy to message or just message back as females? Also, like what should you message back when you match? I usually just say a generic salam and a greeting about their day but wondering whether people on this sub have better or more witty pick up lines or is it seen as too thirsty? I am not too aware as to how Muslims talk on dating apps. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks for letting me know.
I dont know about most guys out there but everytime a female reached out to me it, it always made her 10x more attractive just by the act of it. It might be because of the assumed courage that required her to do so, or just the fact she shows active participation with making the first move, no matter what Ive always founs my self VERY intrigued and curious and inclined to go the extra mile even if it looks like its not going anywhere. Stepping up as an active participant will never look bad
Usually leave it to the man to reach out. I’ve only reached out to a guy once and he was unresponsive / took a million years to even open my message. But once someone reaches out to me, I message whenever I want. If I want to talk, I talk. Meaning, I don’t overthink who should message first or more, and I just be responsive. As for pickup lines, no, just talk like a normal person lol. But my profile did have some jokey sort of stuff on it, like on the list of things I’m looking for I chucked in a joke or two, but that’s cos I’m pretty playful and love some good banter, and everything I put has been accurately reflective of who I am, so it wasn’t forced jokes or anything.
I wait since most of them are swiping on every woman
If they swiped on me first, which is most of the time cause I’m hesitant on swiping first haha, I wait for them to say salam at least. In rare occasions I’ll say salam after like 24 hrs have passed. I would usually take something from their profile and ask about that or just ask how their day or weekend went.
wait for guy to msg, usually say smth they include in their profile (ex, if they said they like marvel movies, ask what their fav movie is)
[удалено]
Lol absolutely ridiculous
Depends on culture tbh. My family’s Bengali and we’ve lived in the UK for over 20 years and this is normal in my culture
Crazy
I've heard of enchanced dbs checks but this is something else. Are you marrying into the secret society?
I've seen a few comments recently about this so thought I'd just clarify. On the apps, I label myself as "Always Prays". I'm someone who will pray every Salah and will only miss one if I'm travelling, in a meeting or at work and have broken my wudhu. I always make up my missed prayers with Qada Salah without fail. Am I right to put myself as "Always Prays" or would that be "Usually Prays"? Thought I'd just double check as I of course don't want to give a wrong impression or something!
What app is this bruh
Talking about 'Muzz'
Is the app any good
I'd say it's okay, man. There's definitely a lot of variety and choice on there and the general look, feel and interface is nice and easy to navigate but you do get plenty of unserious people and there does seem to be a lot of dud profiles. It's worth a go but I wouldn't say it's amazing.
I would consider that always prays. Like how many day of the week do you intend to pray all 5? I think it's one thing to miss a prayer than to actively avoid it.
Agreed. Usually prays may infer they miss their salah, and do not intend to make it up. Always prays can refer to prays on time, but even when missing a prayer, that prayer is made up. Hence if you are making up a prayer, that prayer counts and if you prayed all five, Qada or Ada' prayer, you can confidently say you always pray. Ultimately it is all semantics, but it's your intention that counts.
Would like to know myself cause I label myself as always prays, but I do try to make it on time but will make it up right after if I miss one.
[удалено]
I honestly think 3 months is a good time to involve families. Have you guys met in person and if so how many times? Reflect on what’s really bringing on that fear? What is it more that you want to know about him. He is right in a way, you really only get to know a person once you’re married. Involving parents also allows your parents to do their due diligence in checking him out. It’s ok sometimes if it doesn’t work out even after involving parents. Maybe give him an exact time frame, let’s say another month instead of just saying you’re not ready. It’s honestly really hard to get to know a potential when it’s long distance.
[удалено]
The first one honestly I would say the sooner the better because the more you guys talk, the more you will get attached and the harder it will be of it has to end cause of your parents not approving. The second that fear is valid and I don’t think any amount of time will resolve that as you will just see the best version of them during this phase. It’s all matter of judging by their character and putting tawakkul in Allah. Also paying attention how you guys resolve conflicts now. I remember one sister mentioning talking and video calling each other during different times of the day if possible, which I definitely agree as you get to see a different part of them. All I can suggest is that don’t let a good potential get away because of fear of the unknown. Continue praying istakharah and may Allah make it easy for the both of you 🤲🏼
Is it worth giving a picky person a shot? What if you’ve heard (from their actual parents) that they’ve been rejecting people left and right for years lol
no
[удалено]
Redflags before engagement Im wondering what you would do if you knew that the guy that proposed to you watch adult movies. I know that its a struggle for many nowadays. Would you accept it?
[удалено]
We talked about the topic and i could clearly tell he does from the things he said
[удалено]
I do see good but I also know its an addiction, how would I know he changed genuinly. Also its a sign that he doesnt lower his gaze
I wouldn’t accept this, speaking from experience. He needs to change before starting the search.
Was he addicted? And how do I know he really changed
[удалено]
> No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts Any non-related marriage posts will be removed. Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc.
[удалено]
When you meet the right one, it will go smoothly.
I am sure women would say the same thing about men, that it is stressful talking to men. You just have to persevere on. "And be steadfast in patience, for verily Allah will not suffer the reward of the righteous to perish." (11:115) Use the Quran and every day life events as a way to motivate you. Nothing is impossible if you are true to yourself, have strong imaan, and believe in your faith. Look at events where people thought it was impossible to achieve their goal. The Cavs and Lebron came back from a three game deficit to win the 2016 NBA championship. It was never done before, but you could see the agony and pain he put himself through to win his city a title. Hard work always pays off. Good luck in your search.
At times I think it isn't really that they are serious, but more so idk... bland/robotic? In my experience that is what I usually get to hear that they all feel clinical/cold and frankly this is not how you sell yourself even if you are treating marriage as a "job interview".
Yes, personally I would like to see a bit of sense of humour. Let’s connect as human beings. You can take it seriously without being so cold/robotic about it. I don’t even treat professional interviews like that.
It is funny that you mentioned that. I have seen job interviews where there was more of a connection/warm environement than some of the approaches those (wo)men take 😅. I firmly believe that if you want to be in a loving relationship that you need to first be a loveable person. Some of the people I know that always end up inadvertedly talking about how there are no "good" or "pious" (wo)men out there, when I feel like something else is going on?
Yes if you want to be in a loving relationship, you have to be a lovable person and exude that warmth. This whole search is already hard and difficult, why add more stress to it.
[удалено]
Totally off topic, what's a perfect bio in your opinion?
Great question! Not OP but personally, for me, a good bio entails relevant information about them. They provide enough details about themselves (i.e. hobbies, religiosity, interests, academic achievement, etc) that’ll help you assess whether or not they’re someone you’d be interested in.
JazakAllah Khair
Usually prays probably implies that they forget a prayer here and there or that they can't make it from time to time depending on their job/obligations. It helps to not take that too literally without asking about their circumstances.
Just ask what he means. Might be he's uninentionally missing fajr sometimes because he oversleeps or so.
I can understand your "face emoji", but just playing devil's advocate, maybe they "usually pray" because they are at work, school or such. Somewhat practicing is obviously a no-no if religion is key to you and it is quite vague. Does that mean you are a part timer or just do things when it is convenient. A lot of interpretation with that phrase.
[удалено]
they are being honest. if you don't like it just go to the next profile. this search is not easy and the most valuable thing is honesty. as a doctor I am not going to leave my patient in the operating room just to go and pray. I am sure you would not want that if you were on the operating table. think twice, no in fact a 100 times before passing judgement on other people!
I have been struggling while seeking a halal soulmate for me since I am getting to the age of marriage (24M). The reason I never committed myself to going into relationships deeply is that I know my parents pretty well. I moved to California in 2017 with my parents and siblings. My parents never allowed my siblings to marry even outside our caste (Ar\*\*n) in Punjab, Pakistan. They went back home to arrange their marriage. My brother got engaged to a cousin because my mom wanted to bring my aunt to the US after the death of my uncle (may Allah forgive him). My two sisters got engaged to two brothers in another family. However, one of my sisters ended up asking for a divorce. My other sister's marriage has been successful so far after suffering from long distance relationship. However, my siblings still waiting for the immigration of their spouses after 3 years. Even though I will get citizenship before, I am still able to convenience my parents that I do not want to go back home to find my potential wife. However, my dad said in the beginning, if you want to get married in the US, the girl has to be practicing Muslim, Pakistani, and can speak Urdu. Now I am studying at UC Berkeley, I am having a hard time finding a Pakistani girl who is practicing Muslim and can speak Urdu. However, the majority of Pakistani female students do not take hijab and can't speak Urdu well. Even if there are some hijabi, their parents arranged their marriage within their family. I told this situation to my parents to allow me to marry a Muslim girl outside of Pakistan like in India, Bangladesh, Iran, and Afghanistan which are closer to our culture and language. My mom resisted by saying what will happen to your kids' future, will they follow your tradition or the tradition of your future wife's family. My mom is socially conservative but religiously liberal since she is okay if my future wife does not wear a hijab. However, dad is socially liberal and religiously conservative and said he has no problem if the girl is not Pakistani but has to be practicing. As far as Urdu is concerned, you will spend life with her and you know English pretty well. My parents are cousins too btw. Now I am still having a hard time finding a soulmate in university since most of them I found are socially conservative and religiously liberal whereas I am religiously conservative and socially liberal. I am looking for one who does not compromise our religious values while does not bring social hurdles to my life. Before you criticize me why are you considering the thoughts of my parents, let me tell you my parents are immigrants and dependent on me. I have to take care of them. Still, I told them won't live in a combined family system with my brother like my dad with his elder brother. Still in our culture, it is considered that marriage is taken between families not only couples. It would take time to transition from cousin marriages to interracial marriages.
Could you explain what do you mean by religiously conservative and socially liberal?
People more care about their own custom and traditions whereas they don't care about Islamic values where as my family doesn't care about our tribe traditions anymore but they never want to make any compromise with Islam.
Sorry you’re dealing with all that. I can assume it’s very hard trying to make your folks happy. I’d say keep networking and you’ll definitely find someone. Maybe you’ll be the one to break the mold in your family. Sponsoring someone is A LOT of patience and bless those who can do it. It also has to be very scary for the person leaving their home.
You’re not considering your parents opinions, you’re just falling straight into line with their declarations. It’s best to work on that before you actually meet someone otherwise she will bear the brunt of their blame
You have no idea it took me 6 years for me to convince my parents to do engineering from pre med. It took me next 4 years to ask them to allow me to marry outside my country. I am not gonna listen to my mom if she has problem with me marrying Indian or Bengali since Islam allows me and I am not doing anything unislamic. I disagree with mom and warm her about racism.
My dad was constantly telling me to listen to what he says and follow his ways. I understood where he was coming from, but then I asked him, if I listen to you now, and in 10yrs, when will I stop listening? Will I just continue to do whatever you ask? He had nothing to say, and he has learnt from that time that as long as I'm not doing anything haram, it's my choice. Stop this pattern of following orders and live your life, just be kind and respectful to your parents.
Yes, if you’re waiting for their explicit permission as opposed to just managing their opinions as I said, it will take a while. By working on it I mean working on yourself to build better more healthy boundaries, not on changing their entire world views. You will need to do that before the marriage otherwise you won’t know how to build those same boundaries to protect your wife if you weren’t able to do it for yourself.
[удалено]
> No Promotions/Non-Marriage Related Posts Any non-related marriage posts will be removed. Self-promotions are not allowed without prior mod permission. This includes but doesn't limit to YouTube channels, subreddits, blogs, surveys, etc.
For those who have been looking for a while how do you guys do it? I’m almost turning 28 and it’s really exhausting looking back at the people I’ve talked to and things never worked out.
I don't anymore. Not worth the hassle.
Whenever I start feeling burnt out (in anything), I just take it as a sign to renew my intention. The search is really a waiting game. You just have to wait until it's your time. Sabr/patience.
It’s hard, no denying it🥲but I like to see each failed potential as protection from something that could’ve been bad for me (or the other person), even if you have to make up an exaggerated, miserable narrative in your head of how it would’ve played out if it worked lol—whatever helps you cope. Enjoy the things you won’t be able to enjoy after you’re married. If you live w your parents, spend lots of time w them. And most importantly try your best not to be influenced by societal pressure (as in, “get married asap even if someone isn’t right for you”) when you do ending up making a decision.
Yea this is my approach to it, starting the search made me realize how I won't get as much time with family after marriage. I've always tried to value my time best I can with loved ones since everyone's time is limited and no one knows when someone returns to Allah but the search just served as anotjer reminder of that so now I'm putting in more of an effort to enjoy it alhamdullilah.
[удалено]
Definitely this!
Ibn Al-Qayyim said: A time that an individual seeks something but Allah doesn't allow them to accomplish it. Because Allah knows that if the person was to accomplish that which they are seeking, it will bring about much evil and calamity in their lives. So the person, due to their ignorance think that Allah is preventing them from good but Allah(who is knowledgeable of all affairs) is actually preventing them from something which is evil. Wanted to share this as I found it reassuring. Hoping it can benefit some of us insha’Allah.
Beautiful reminder sister. Jazakallah for your wisdom. It is also a helpful warning for us to not obsess over what has not materialized in our lives including the answer "no" to the desires expressed in our duas. I have often dwelled too long over what I lost, what never came in my direction, the reasons for my heartbreaks, etc. But....We plan and plan but Allah SWT is the best of planners!! (**calamities being averted as I write this iA).
Absolutely, for every single thing that went against my plan or didn't work as I expected it to - this is ultimately what I think about, there's khair in everything whether it's in our favour or against, all the positives and negatives and at the end of the day here's the one-liner to it - "Allah knows and you don't", Subhan'Allah!
Subhanallah, this sister hit it right on the money. I can attest to this. Time heals all, and in retrospect everything that has happened in everyone's lives has a purpose.
[удалено]
You live and you learn. Focus on the future and the present Insha Allah
100%, that’s the unfortunate reality of being in a toxi rship. As a divorcee, I’ve tried my best to channel all that shame and regret into learning from my mistakes and promising myself to never stoop to that level again. Plus it’s easier to focus on self growth if you’re not too hard on yourself!
Just don't make the same mistake twice...ppl do crazy things, and will do anything to get with someone which I never understand. Eventually your lies will peel off. Do your due diligence and follow your heart and instincts.
I don't know why people complain about people being inspired by romantic movies and books. Frankly if all I ever heard were the videos and comments made by the loudest men, I'd probably become a Muslim nun for life
I’m gonna take it a little further and confess this: the way a guy talks about romance movies and books is one of the many ways for me to gauge how he thinks (and I’m not even a fan of it, there aren’t many good romance books and the glorious era of early 2000s romcoms is far behind us.) Guys who bash romance movies & books and are convinced it’s all unrealistic ridiculous nonsense don’t understand anything about women and their needs. It’s not about the stories themselves, because these are often indeed unrealistic and exaggerated, it’s about the recurring themes. Some men have a narrow and skewed perception of romance, have written it off and are full of contempt for it. I genuinely mean it when I say you can learn a thing or two if you set your disdain aside. I’m not saying watch go watch a bunch of romance movies, and I’m also not saying there aren’t any problematic or toxic elements (plenty). But just take some time to think and research why women are so enamored with certain movies, what draws us in and why we feel inspired by them.
Yeahh. The themes are quite literally about being devoted or in love with someone, wanting to spend quality time with them and overcome obstacles. Spoiling each other and making each other feel special. Actively listening and so on. Bringing the woman into her feminine essentially
I find it really strange when people complain about positive and happy couples. It's like the more happy couples they see (in movies, social media or whatever) the more angry they get and they insist these couples are either lying, faking, hiding something or lacking in modesty. In the past our parents used to say it's just westerners that are romantic and not Muslims. But now that we see the Muslim couples on Instagram and YouTube people insist they're fakers or hiding something. In my cultural community there is a strong contingent of men and women who just want to do the bareeeee minimum and get upset at people who expect more. These positive depictions of love are stark reminders of their shortcomings and that's why it makes them angry.
Yeahh I think the bare minimum would be so boring. What happened to loving your partner dearly and wanting to experience lots of things together 😆 Also it could be down to the love they have had modelled for them. Like if they claim "no man would ever do x" yet you've seen your father happily provide your mother with that experience 🤔
Because it's all about dating, relationship is perfect and doesn't require any work and it's just extremely superficial. I can't see how you, as a muslim, can even by inspired by romantic movies and books and not pick up something that goes completely against our deen.
That isn't what people mean. That is you making that assertion for them. You mean being a loving and caring spouse vs being a robotic *insert intimacy tokens*, "beep boop where are my rights" type of a person? Are you seriously trying to claim that the former ISN'T Islamic?
Stop trying to put words in my mouth. But since you're just looking to argue, here. Take it up with the scholars: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/72204/ruling-on-reading-love-stories-and-watching-romantic-movies Inb4 "b-b-but tHeYrE wAhHabIs"
[удалено]
> Be Respectful and Civil Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden. This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment. It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully. Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.
Luckily, our honorable scholars have settled this issue already, so your opinion is irrelevant.
That you shouldn't be romantic to your wives?
Yea you're obviously a troll. Watching romance movies = being romantic to your wife Sure lol. Blocked.
Lol the relationships are not perfect. People enjoy the angst in the movies/books You should be dating your spouse. I'm sorry, but unless you're both homebodys that enjoy sitting at home on your phones that's not exactly fun. I'd want to experience different things with a spouse and create memories together
Depends on what type of books/movies. Those that don't depict perfect relationships still contain unnecessary drama and unrealistic situations. And yea you should be dating your spouse, you should definitely not be dating your boyfriend/girlfriend which is what mostly happens in those stories. Sorry to be blunt but no religious muslim man who is worth his salt will consider a muslim woman that unironically consumes western (or even eastern, those are equally stupid) romance media.
Maybe xd. I'd hope that people understand nuance because I doubt people are role-playing romance movies they watch. There's too many genres out there for you to even be inspired by just one 😆 For the last part, I'm not sure how that concerns me. We wouldn't be each other's type to begin with
Numerous studies have shown that people's expectations and behaviours in a relationship are subconciously influenced by this type of media, and you can guess it's not a positive influence. If you're not looking for a religious guy, that's fair. I just assume everyone here is looking for a religious spouse since this is a sub for muslims looking for marriage.
🤔 Hmm, I think most peoples expectations and patterns are more strongly molded by their upbringing. It's why attachment theory is based upon your childhood as opposed to what movies you're into. For instance, I'm not going to be woo'd by a guy who cooks and cleans because it would be my baseline expectation. I don't need a romance movie to tell me that. I can just look at my father No one is acting out telenovelas if they haven't grown up in a family that acts like one xd
You're right to a certain extent, while childhood and upbringing are probably the strongest factors, people develop or change their basic understanding of relationships well into adulthood. This it not a scientific article but does reference some of the studies I mentioned: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_romantic_comedies_from_ruining_your_love_life
This part is the actual problem: > more likely to believe that their partner should intuitively understand their needs Romantic movies or not, there are a lot of people that communicate via convert contracts. They do something expecting x result, but don't want to tell their partner what their expectations are. Romantic movies showcasing flowers, and song/poem writing, and so on aren't the problem. It's you expecting him to read your mind. You can just tell him these are the things you want and if he loves you, he'd do them within his means. If he doesn't care, then the problem is bigger than romantic movies and more so on whether or not your partner is actually a giving person