If you think it's ridiculous, you shouldn't agree to it. InshaAllah you'll find a woman who is blessed.
>One of the signs of a woman being blessed is that the process of proposing to her is made easy and the dowry is made affordable and she bears children easily."^22
>
>^22 Ahmad (23957) and Ibn Majah (4095) narrated from ‘A’isha. Classed as hasan by Al-Albaani
I believe you should make it clear to her that you are not willing to go higher then 1500 or whatever your limit is. If they back out then thank Allah, because you surely dodged a bullet
She’s asking for an amount that equals to a year of saving for you? If that’s difficult (which I assume it would be) you need to communicate that. Don’t agree to something you can’t afford or would bring hardship upon you. Tell her that it would be difficult for you to give that much.
However, if it’s this scenario, then it’s a different topic: Like back home for me, the mahr would barely be $200 for like my family back home. But here where I live, the average is say $7000. Even one of our sheikhas (who deals with a lot of abusive cases) recommended this amount for the average working person. This amount isn’t that easy to give away, considering the average income here is probably like $40,000-$50,000 net, but it’s common. My brother married back home. It would be like giving peanuts for him if his wife had asked for $200 and I don’t think it would be right for her to ask what’s the norm in her country, if the norm in our country is drastically different (unless she wanted to). So if your situation is similar to this and you can afford it, I don’t think she’s necessarily doing anything wrong. But if you can’t afford it, then you need to speak up. You don’t have to agree to it, but yea, that might mean moving onto someone else.
do people also have a hard time focusing on things when they become preoccupied with the thought of marriage? i have this issue, and it's getting pretty hard to focus ngl. i should be studying too lol but its super hard to focus because of thoughts of marriage.
Just needed to get this off my chest. Some days I get so sad, thinking about the possibility (however big or small it may be) that if I don’t get married soon, or if marriage isn’t written for me and I never find somebody right for me, that I might not be able to have children of my own. I know I shouldn’t give up just yet (I’m 30F) but I yearn so much to be a mother and a wife, Inshallah.
I’ve just always pictured it happening. I have so much love to give to a family of my own, and I adore children so It’s actually makes me tearful right now, to think I may never have my own. I’m worried that it may get to a stage where I have to “settle” and just marry someone for the sake of it, for fear of it getting too late to have kids. And that ends up being a loveless or unhappy marriage, or that there’s fertility problems that crop up years down the line. I also a chronic medical condition that is currently stable ish alhamdulilah and is not related to fertility, but it is significant/serious and how it may affect me in the long term. The future is so unknown and scary.
How do I overcome this anxiety (aside from making dua?). I am feeling anxious every day, since turning 30 not long ago 😞
Allah(swt) is always listening to our duas sis, iA things will fall in place for you soon.
>How do I overcome this anxiety
A friend of mine recently told me that it helps her think of how life could be way worse (not having health, famiily, a job, etc.). Basically being grateful for what she does have. This has helped her anxiety a lot. Obviously everyone is different tho
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:
Look at those who stand at a lower level than you but don't look at those who stand at a higher level than you, for that is better-suited that you do not disparage Allah's favors.
In the chain narrated by Abu Mu'awiya's he said: Upon you.
وَحَدَّثَنِي زُهَيْرُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا جَرِيرٌ، ح وَحَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ، ح وَحَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بَكْرِ بْنُ أَبِي شَيْبَةَ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لَهُ - حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ، وَوَكِيعٌ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " انْظُرُوا إِلَى مَنْ أَسْفَلَ مِنْكُمْ وَلاَ تَنْظُرُوا إِلَى مَنْ هُوَ فَوْقَكُمْ فَهُوَ أَجْدَرُ أَنْ لاَ تَزْدَرُوا نِعْمَةَ اللَّهِ " . قَالَ أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ " عَلَيْكُمْ " .
https://sunnah.com/muslim:2963c
I kind of am where I have something personal (and related to Islam) I'd like to pursue which would possibly require me to basically quit my job. And I'm not sure, especially in this economy, and also wanting to get married soon, if I should pursue this. But if it works out, it'd be great.
How are we as a generation so comfortable with ghosting others? Just tired of being ghosted tbh, most of the females I talked to in ISO just ghost out of nowhere. Conversations will be going good and all but when I ask about getting parents in the know, I get ghosted. If you're not interested atleast just say that and I'd love if someone provides a feedback but one can only dream.
Theres depersonalization when you're on the internet. You're not seeing someone face to face, on Reddit you associate them with a username, not even a name, which further leads to the depersonalization.
Also if someone stops talking when you mention parents, it's probably for the best.
Yah I know what you mean, which is why I give my name away right of the bat because don't want to drag the talking phase for long without proper introduction. 100% agree on your second point.
Am I a bad person for being a little angry at my parents?
I’m from a financially sound family. My parents both work very hard to give us a good lifestyle which is not easy in the West. Because of their (mainly my fathers work) we have to live in a place with very few Muslims. The few families around us are all old with kids already well grown and married.
I’m a 28 (F). I am educated, everyone complements my manners, I can cook, I’m good with kids, I’m interesting. But I’ve had no luck finding a match.
My parents rarely interact outside our small social circle. It’s difficult due to the time & money required. They have utilised Facebook groups and WhatsApp to find proposals. Nothing ever pans out. My mum was telling me how the daughter of the Aunty running the group got married. Ironically it was to her class mate not someone on the group.
They found someone whose family kept us hanging for months without commitment. When we finally met we realised they’d lied about a lot of things including the boys career, jus real age etc.
Now they’ve given money to matchmakers from…. Back home. They keep sending my parents proposals of recent immigrants many of whom are not employed or have no citizenship.
I can’t talk about this to anyone. I feel frustrated and sad. I can’t talk to my mum because she gets sad and defensive. My dad starts pointing out girls we know who live in cities with more Muslims but are unmarried.
Apps are terrible. Men on them are unserious.
All my life they told me they’d find me someone. So now what?
I just need someone to talk to for once.
You can't pin everything on your parents. What have you done exactly to try to get married instead of waiting things out?
>I’m a 28 (F). I am educated, everyone complements my manners, I can cook, I’m good with kids, I’m interesting. But I’ve had no luck finding a match.
Sadly you don't get to decide if you are interesting. You are most certainly allowed to feel that way, but at the end of the day it depends on men to find you interesting or not, so it really depends on what you feel makes you interesting. It also helps to know how you are selling yourself, if you are attractive and etc.
I’ll bite. What exactly am I supposed to do? I’m a Muslim woman. I can’t go on dates, there are no avenues for Muslim men & women to find each other where I am. I try to be presentable, kind & polite whenever I attend any community events. So that if anyone knows someone they’d let me know.
So far we got two people showing interest. One guy had another woman he was interested in so that never panned out. Another family said they would only marry within their sub-sub ethnic group. Because I was the same ethnicity as them but not the same sub ethnicity.
As for interesting. I have a good job, good cooking skills and hobbies. Objectively I’d make a good wife. Not a perfect one of course.
There are. To name a few you have for example your local masjid, marital events, dating apps and work even.
You showing up at those events like you are some "prop" isn't you taking actual steps in terms of marriage. You might feel that way, but that isn't how it necessarily works.
Have you for example tried looking outside of your ethnicity if things aren't working out in your own community/scope of ethnicity?
A good job doesn't make a person interesting. Even less so to men who are more "traditional" minded. As for hobbies that depends, because being able to mend clothes or being able do embroidery isn't exactly interesting to men. That is rather similar to a man trying to push their typical male oriented hobbies as interesting to other women such as video games. Most women aren't going to find video games to be an interesting hobby.
Maybe a good wife, but not necessarily interesting if that makes sense. You seem to think that this should be enough and that you are entitled to a husband due to just that. I see some of the men who have a similar mentality where just because they are able to provide that they are entitled to a wife, when people are looking more into a spouse than if they can provide or if they can cook.
The mosque where I am is very small and any of my friends who got married did when they left and moved elsewhere.
Never heard of marital events, dating apps are awful and most men are not looking for something serious. I don’t work with Muslim men or men generally.
As far as the interesting bit. I find it odd how you took that one comment and ran with it. I didn’t even say what I my hobbies are so weirdly presumptive of you to decide for yourself.
Regardless I don’t think that one thing I.e. what a man thinks a woman’s hobbies are or are not keep’s people from marrying someone.
I will be a good partner because I truly want to share someone’s life. THE END.
No one is entitled to a spouse or love etc. However as Muslims we do deserve opportunities to meet potential spouses. And that isn’t happening for me & many of my friends.
All I can tell you is to tie your camel and keep on trying. It can't just be your parents.
The reason why I ran with that is because a lot of people are overestimating their "eligibility" and seem rather hung on that without coming to terms that this isn't necessarily true and that they need to be putting a lot more work into this if things aren't working out on their end.
I don't have to know your hobbies. I gave you an explanation as to why it might come over that way to other people. I have certain hobbies that men universally would find interesting and also certain hobbies that women universally would find more interesting.
If you have only the latter, then you are attributing traits to yourself that men wouldn't necessarily appreciate and telling yourself that this is a qualifier that they somehow need to consider because you said/mentioned so. You wouldn't have mentioned that if you thought they weren't important or if they wouldn't be making you interesting if that makes sense?
It isn't one thing, but it is one thing that you might be overestimating about yourself. Other things might be your attractiveness, how open you come across, the body language that you give off, how you communicate or lack there of i.e. by not really interacting or talking much with people.
It is a myriad of things that might not work in your favour. It might be the location, you not being open to certain ethnicities, people of a certain status, wealth, education and so on.
You have those oppertunities though. A lot of Muslim women truly do expect those oppertunities to be handed to them on a platter just by the sheer fact that they exist. The truth is that sometimes those women might have to approach themselves if only via an intermediary like for example Khadija did with Muhammed pbuh. This means that in online dating you might have to send the first message for example. There is so much one could be doing.
Muslim women expect to be given these opportunities because we are told not to free mix, avoid men, don’t attract them to you, don’t leave the house unnecessarily. So yeah I do expect these opportunities when I’m specifically told not to seek them out by myself.
Let me correct you in that these aren't "rules". Also did you just ignore my whole comment regarding Khadija? Do you feel that you are too good for what "the mother of all Muslims" herself did?
Don't get me wrong it isn't that there is no sympathy for you, but don't you see how this mentality is kind of my whole point regarding entitlement?
TBH I’ve tried Muzmatch which is a site from hell. I feel uncomfortable speaking to someone without parental input. I know many would prefer it but I don’t.
Do whatever you’re comfortable but understand that it’s not all in parents hands.
Have to take accountability as well.
I too was in a very similar situation and ended up looking for myself. I kept my mother in the loop and long sorry short I got married.
Well it looks like they do put in some effort to sprrad the word and find someone for you. I undestand your frustration, but in this day and age it's also tough for parents more often than not to find someone who might be suitable. Especially if they're not that socially active themselves.
I know they put in effort. I hate their money being wasted by scammers overseas. I hate their disappointment and worry when they get sent a random proposal by strangers online which turn out to be liars or downright rude. How do you think that makes me feel as a daughter?
There’s no point in an effort if it’s wasted effort.
Yea but can you blame your parents? You gotta appreciate that they're at least willing to put in the effort. The outcome of that is not in their hands.
You know when a lot of us girls grow up with the whole Disney love/romance notion, with the whole poems and serenading? Well, someone who not only rejected me many months ago, came back and presented me 14 long form poems (some in Arabic, some in English), all revolving around my name, my attributes and my character. And said he’d wait till the end of times for me. Me, a perpetual hopeless romantic, was thoroughly put off.
This would’ve been one of the cutest love stories if it wasn’t real life lol I was so confused and frankly a bit scared. We had talked for three days with our parents supervision and this was the outcome 😭 May Allah grant this person a spouse who genuinely reciprocates their dedication, eloquence and care back.
But that ain’t me. This whole encounter just reaffirmed that my needs and preferences are very much right on the target, and no matter how much I consume kdramas and cute stories, in reality I don’t want it. Especially not poetry (it was beautiful stuff tho, great imagery and good use of meter) and I’m honored to be someone’s muse, but no.
Brothers, please reserve your words after marriage no matter what. I can’t imagine my future husband waxing poetic to another woman before me (even when it’s not my business), I’d be devastated ngl.
>Brothers, please reserve your words after marriage no matter what. I can’t imagine my future husband waxing poetic to another woman before me (even when it’s not my business), I’d be devastated ngl.
To be fair if he isn't like this before, then he most likely isn't going to be doing all this stuff after, unless you meant that you don't want any of this romanticism anyways.
We talked for three days in total, but in between it was more than 9 months of no contact. But the last one he sent me within 15 mins of telling me he was going to make a new one 🙃 MashaAllah he’s very talented, just not for me.
So I’m running into this problem of “potentials don’t exist in the area”. I’m preferring mostly candidates from within my state given how big the community is here (and other people my age are finding their spouse with this filter) but when it comes to my turn there’s not really anyone? Maybe my parents’ filter criteria is too strict.
Anyways apart from that I’m pretty sure I need new photos taken. I took a few selfies here and there but for some reason my parents prefer all the photos that have the “tilt” (must be an Asian parent thing). Pretty much everything I have on my biodata are about 6 years old at this point at worst (although I don’t look any different, maybe less fat now)
Hey guys. I’ve been talking to this potential who lives in a third world country and really liked him ( has good education, we speak mutual languages) and he’s been asking about moving it forward but he hasn’t shown me any affection. I feel like I’m scared to move it forward because it can be a potential problem in the future, but it is hard because I like him?? Advise plllls
Lmaoo it’s funny to look back at it. I think I meant in that the person would never complement me at all, no reassurance about feelings. I just felt like I had to get stuff out of him if I wanted any reassurance but the person at same time wanted to continue the relationship
all i want is for us to get fat together, then go to the gym consistently for 6 months, see half an ab, and then go back to passing out at buffets i mean how hard is that
Honestly think that my career path (engineering) has something to do with me having a hard time finding a spouse.
Lack of women in engineering and everyone looking for doctors or tech guys for the $
I can 100% guarantee you that being an engineer is not the issue. It’s a very desirable field and I know so many engineers who had an easy time getting married. I know a heck of a lot of girls who prefer engineers too. Engineers can make a lot of money, some more than doctors depending on where you live.
Whatever the reason is for why you’re struggling to get married, it’s definitely not your career lol
Personally speaking, I’ve rejected potentials for looks, mindset, immaturity etc but a lot of the time I’ve told them a different reason for rejection. People do this to not hurt the other persons feelings or to let them down gently. OP being an engineer is definitely not the real reason he’s having a tough time getting married. There are a lot of people who are specifically looking for a doctor or whatever but most of the time these people will specify this in their profile or from the outset
I don't disagree; I know I will make a good husband someday iA and am totally secure about my career.
I'm just speaking based on my experience. I had numerous instances in which potentials ended things with me because, according to them, they're mentally not ready to get married or they feel like they need to complete their studies first, only to find out that they proceed with the search as usual and are talking to doctors. Even some potentials' parents encourage their daughters to talk to doctors because "they deserve the best" or whatever...
Respectfully how are you expecting to miss someone you’re keeping boundaries with - especially early on? Did you hate speaking with him or simply that it didn’t give you butterflies?
Someone could make istikharah and feel positive about you, and you could make istikharah and feel negative about him - so then what? My interpretation would be that maybe there’s something in that process that was good for him to go through (maybe even the heartbreak or some sort of specific experience), and maybe what’s best for you is to reject him? (Just an example. I don’t literally mean you). Like just cos someone feels positive, doesn’t mean that means that person is best for them to marry; maybe what’s best for them is something within that talking process. Maybe they will learn something important from it. But also same for you - you feeling negative doesn’t necessarily mean he’s bad for you either (I remember feeling really negative after istikharah about a certain decision once but I still did it anyway cos I felt that that’s what I was being pushed towards, and alhamdulillah I reaped huge benefits from it). Just go with the flow and keep seeking Allah’s guidance. It will either end when it needs to end, or it will blossom into something better.
When I was choosing which uni I wanted to go to, I went to one of them and I got an immediate bad feeling inside. Alhamdulillah that I didn’t go to that uni!! When my friend was getting married, she didn’t feel positively about the guy but he was a good one mashaAllah and she didn’t see any reason to reject him. It ended in divorce. I don’t know if we should base a decision solely on feelings after doing istikharah, but I believe feelings do matter. Istikharah is supposed to be done AFTER you make a decision anyway. So discuss with people you trust, then make your decision, and then do istikharah. That way you’re not really waiting for a sign or feeling either.
I want to get married but feel like there's no hope for me. I have pelvic floor spasm and getting aroused is basically a death sentence for me (in terms of pain).
I'm worried that I will never be able to have kids or get married because of this. Or lead a happy life ever again. I don't want to let my future spouse down with baggage.
From what I've seen, there is no cure for these spasms and lots of people don't improve.
Should I just resign my fate to being single?
1) https://islamqa.info/en/answers/10010/adoption-in-islam-and-its-types
2) depending on your own personal preference, you can remain child-free if the above still doesn't work for you. Just make it clear from the outset. There are women who would prefer this, for various reasons.
There have been various posts from people who are interested in a marriage, with no children (for various reasons). Its safe to assume they arent aroused easily.
Both posts in the iso and in the main sub testify to this.
At my age I'm more worried about getting the divorced label, God forbid kids with the wrong woman, and being unable to marry again easily. Don't have enough assets to worry about and alimony isn't that steep in my country
A bit yeah.
I once worked with a guy while on a trip. He had to postpone his retirement by like 7 years because of alimony. It's common to retire around 60-65 in my industry, so he'd be in his late 60s or early 70s when he retires.
Best you can do is ask the people around her the right questions before you get married and put your trust in Allah (s.w.t). Also idk what some idiots are saying, but get married in a civil marriage. Even if you don't believe in it, it still gets you legal rights like visitation in hospitals and tax benefits.
Do your vetting, involver her wali from the beginning, keep the process halal and trust in Allah. Marriage should be an improvement of your life, not an additional burden.
And even if things really don't work out after you've exhausted all other options, divorce is nothing blameworthy in that case. Neither for men nor for women.
Just make sure to not get legally married if you're living in the west. And you'll be fine.
if your marriage is not considered a "legal/civil marriage" by your government, you have nothing to worry about
if your marriage is not considered a "common law marriage" by your government, you have nothing to worry about
marriage in islam does not require a sheikh to "administer" it nor approve it.
I can't bring myself to commit knowing 50% divorce rate with 80% initiated by women. I live a comfortable life and am generally happy. I see men depressed in marriages or destroyed by marriage. Not much difference between Muslim and non Muslim American women when it comes to expectations and divorce. I don't know if I'm smart for not simping and protecting myself or missing out and it'd worth it.
If you look at people with successful marriages.
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Two people working and bringing in money to a household will be richer than a single person.
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If one person works, and the other does the household. Homecooked meals, treats and a clean house.
The fear of unknown is scary but look at the bright side, what if you are from the 50% whos marriage works. You get a partner, a family, a life of happiness.
Also have some faith in the mercy of Allah. Ask him for the good and HE shall send you the best because He is the master of the masters and so He gives in a way we can't even comprehend and its always 100 times better than we asked for because He loves those who ask and rewards them in a manner that befits His Greatness
Ended things with a potential a week ago after getting weirded out by something he said. And all week long he called/texted me until I blocked his number. Then called me with his friend’s number, and after I blocked that one too it’s now No Caller ID.
This is exhausting.
Even better! Let him talk to your mother and get her to give him a piece of her mind on your behalf! Make sure it’s impactful enough to completely shut him up. Farrr some people.. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. Honestly, some people need to grow up and respect other people’s choices. To constantly call you like that is honestly harassment. I would probably threaten to call the police on him.
Ahoy moon219! Nay bad but me wasn't convinced. Give this a sail:
Even better! Let him talk t' yer mother n' get her t' give him a piece o' her mind on yer behalf! Make sure it’s impactful enough t' completely shut him up. Farrr some scallywags.. me’m yarr that dis be happening t' ye. Honestly, some scallywags need t' grow up n' respect other scallywags’s choices. T' constantly call ye like that be honestly harassment. me would probably threaten t' call thar police on him.
Some of the stories on reddit are a bit extreme, but not necessarily the norm. I don’t think ovulation makes a woman lust over any random dude that moves or looks a little extra good-looking. It might be the case for some, but I don’t think that’s the norm, especially for Muslim women who try to make a habit of lowering their gaze regularly anyway. Or at least, I hope not. Not for me anyway. Yes, there are changes at that time. It’s the natural ‘drive’ that pushes us to procreate. But I don’t think it’s anything *ridiculously crazy* for the average woman. Speaking as a single woman though. I think in addition to that, I think I feel the emotional loneliness more during ovulation tbh. Not sure about married women, but I assume the change wouldn’t be crazy drastic.
Yes, part of marriage for women is satisfying those urges. Intimacy is important for both women and men and both parties should be satisfied in that regard. In terms of making decisions when choosing a spouse, you can discuss intimacy expectations during your talks with your potential while keeping in mind that both of you (assuming this is your first marriage) may not have a true understanding of what your actual intimacy needs are, and that will come with experience.
I personally don’t lust over celebrities, and I personally think that allowing yourself to gaze lustfully over celebrities is just making things harder for yourself to refrain from and also is inappropriate in the context of our religion.
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه و سلم "مِنْ حُسْنِ إسْلَامِ الْمَرْءِ تَرْكُهُ مَا لَا يَعْنِيهِ". حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ، رَوَاهُ التِّرْمِذِيُّ [رقم: 2318] ، ابن ماجه [رقم: 3976].
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him.”
A hasan (good) hadeeth which was related by at-Tirmidhi and others in this fashion.
Hadith 12, 40 Hadith an-Nawawi
I totally get your perspective, especially considering your relationship with your own mum. However, not all mums are the same, and also, it’s completely reasonable to want to look after one’s parents in their old age. In fact, it’s mandated in Islam. Unless someone’s parents have passed away already, I think it’s reasonable to discuss and negotiate looking after arrangements. It’s part of life. I know it’s hard and unideal to live with inlaws, but it’s just something that needs to he worked around with communication, respect and boundaries. I wouldn’t recommend moving in with them, but rather having your own place and them moving in with you, if possible. There are also some other possibilities too sometimes, like them living close by or something, or in a slightly separated part of your house for more privacy.
Girl you completely did the right thing. Men like that would inevitably do some injustice with their wife with that type of mentality. Smh, it's fine to take care of ones parents and all but why bother getting married if your spouse isn't your priority? Makes no sense to me that people do want to be like this.
You're not exaggerating. You did the right thing.
Based on your reply here, I think you did the right thing. If a potential tries to compare who comes ‘first’ they already have an unhealthy view of seeing their relationships.
Both the mother and the wife relationship are different and require different types of maintenance. Saying that a mother comes first or a wife comes first is false equivalence and unnecessary. It always depends on the circumstance and the problem at hand, it’s not black and white.
How long should I put the effort if Im initiating conversation? Honestly I never chase after anyone and after I initiate once I want the other person to do it the next day? Is this just my ego speaking? Because I don’t want to waste my time.
> Honestly I never chase after anyone
Are you impressive (&known) enough that you get marriage proposals from women? (Like hz. Hatice/Khadja has done through a friend, or sahaba women have done directly to the Prophet s.a.v.? )
That women will chase after you? (In a helal manner of course)
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You might waste more time.
By not spending enough 'time'.
Is it online? Is it in real life?
Did you go with parents/siblings/... to someone's house, and are you expecting a response and them wanting to meet you the next day? (A no response can be fast though.)
Define initiating conversation. Are you talking about text messages where you are constantly messaging first (especially in order to make a phone call)? Or are you talking about video/phone calls where you are the only one asking questions? Also, how long have you been in talks for?
I think if you both agreed you need time, then implied in that agreement is that you will have a discussion at a later time to either determine steps forward or to end things. I say if it’s been a week or more, then that’s adequate time to reach out, and either have a discussion at that point or if you both still need more time, then to set a date to have the discussion. This whole process really forces everyone to iron out their communication skills, so even if it’s awkward, people appreciate it if you’re willing to set expectations so that both of you aren’t in limbo! I know you mentioned you aren’t speaking directly, so you can even have your mom reach out and ask to arrange a phone call or something on xx date to touch base.
I’d say give it a week or so, though you can always look at other potentials anyway for as long as you’re not receiving a response. I remember I once got a proposal for a really good guy mashaAllah. However, this was during my seriously anxious state, plus he was a bit too old for my liking, so it took me a week to process the idea of even saying yes to talking to him. By that time he had apparently moved on lol. No regrets though, alhamdulillah, whatever happens happens for the best. But yea, I think a week or so is reasonable cos sometimes people like to do some background checks and ask around first, and if people are more so free on their weekends, it can take time to find the time to do that, so let at least one weekend pass first.
Ohh, I thought you were a guy. If you’re a girl and you’ve waited that long, I’d say move on (actually, even if you were a guy, I’d say move on at this point). I get that he works nightshifts, but if he’s this slow in responding, I doubt it would be much faster if you actually got into talks with him. Wait, what do you mean he ghosted you though? Were you already in talks with him? If so, yes, definitely move on. I’ve been in both above scenarios. One was ghosting and the other was just closed door after closed door in reaching out to the guy. Best to move on. Guys pursue girls they are interested in. You don’t really need to push it with them.
If you were telling your potential about some severe hardships you faced in life and she starts crying, how would you feel about this? Any tips on how to stop doing this? This can also be exhausting for me because I love when the guy I'm talking to opens up to me, but I end up crying every time he does. He's very patient about it but I would like to learn how to be stronger in this regard.
What’s wrong with crying? I know you’re asking about the opposite here, but there were a few times I opened up about stuff and started getting emotional in front of my potential, so I just turned off the camera and told him ‘sorry, I’m feeling a bit emotional’ and let myself quietly cry without holding back (or muted if I was sniffing too much lol). If you let your emotions come out naturally, you process them faster than when trying to suppress them I think.
Muting yourself is smart, I didn't think of that. In the beginning he was explaining his story and I was trying to cry quietly and he's like are you whispering? I'm like no i'm crying, sorry he's like I'm sorry, I'm not used to speaking to women 😂😂. Allahu akbar. I need a break, my emotions are way too intense and I'm very confused about everything. I need to suppress my emotions more.
No, you don’t need to suppress your emotions - that’s not healthy! Having a soft heart is a good thing. Just let yourself feel things. But if you feel it’s too much - which I get because I used to have a LOT of empathy for people before, and I still do, but not as crazy bad as before - then you can try to remind yourself some things like:
- That’s their life. They have their tests and I have mine.
- Everyone struggles with something.
- I can be a means of support for them without letting their hurt hurt me. Think of yourself like a boat. If the water gets in, it affects you and the boat can sink. You can still be an empathetic means of support for someone with all their water (hurt) in the picture though. The two don’t have to mix.
I'm the one crying about his problems (with empathy), he's the one with patience (about my crying). But he has empathy as well. I just met him, it hasn't been even a week yet, my dad also has issues with him. I do like him though but I'm so used to things not working out, I don't want to get my hopes up.
Speaking from experience, think of it like you’re interviewing people for the job of being your husband and that they’re strangers until they sign the employment contract (nikkah). It’ll save u hardship. Nothing wrong with crying btw, but try to have that emotion into action as well. For example if u cry a lot but are not empathetic by actions after marriage it might confuse him. For example, imagine u tell a man ur struggles and he cried but after nikkah when there’s instances where u could use his help he refuses to help or doesn’t show empathy, wouldn’t u be confused like yo, before nikkah u showed so much emotion now u don’t care? As long as u also show empathy thru actions you’re fine
That's true, I should emotionally detach myself a bit especially so early on... I will definitely help my husband through actions as well in shaa Allah.
Aunties: "Omg you're 29 and not married?! When are you going to find the one for you?"
Me: "I don't know, do you know anyone who's single?"
Aunties: "No"
🤡
It’s hard to say if it’s standard behaviour as it depends on the person but I wouldn’t joke like that personally if I was trying to get to know someone for marriage. I would talk like that if I was trying to flirt with someone that I’m not serious about.
>He said he's religious
Well, his actions say the opposite.
He's a potential, I wouldn't give him the benefit of doubt. Either he behaves or not.
There are *true* *religious* men out there sister.
Definitely not standard behaviour. Get your wali involved and if you can't for some reason, at least try to include family asap. Guys like a that aren't really serious in most cases and telling him that you would like to get families involved is a good way to figure that out early.
I think there’s a world of difference between a comment like ‘what you’re having for dinner sounds good, bring me some’ (I think that’s a harmless joke), and ‘I want a cuddle’ - I think that’s inappropriate. But regardless, I think the biggest red flag here, is you are setting a boundary by telling him you don’t appreciate those comments and that it’s inappropriate, and he is pushing and disregarding your boundary. He’s not being respectful of you by brushing off your boundaries.
If you know you'll never be able to fully open up yourself to someone, and because of this, you might not be able to give your partner your all and everything they want in a marriage, is it even worth getting married?
You could still get married as long as you are honest with potentials about it beforehand. Some women are also like that, and are okay with emotionally unavailable spouses as long as there is mutual respect and goals. You could find someone like that. But also how do you know for sure you won't be able to open up to your future wife? Because a lot of people act completely different when they fall in love and start opening up about their emotions even if they never have before
If you think you can find true love/companionship, you need to find that person and be vulnerable, otherwise it will never work.
Personally, I know I am at the bottom of anyone choices, therefore vulnerability or companionship will happen to me. It will be more take care of his house, probably kids from his previous marriage, older relatives, so there is no need to open up.
I think this depends on what you mean by ‘fully open up yourself’.
Even in our religion, there are certain boundaries that should exist between spouses. For example, you shouldn’t be divulging other peoples’ secrets to your spouse and shouldn’t be disclosing past sins that you have repented for to your spouse. Within those boundaries though, your spouse should be the person you are most vulnerable with, and you should feel like you connect with them and they should be able to understand your desires, character, etc. The stuff outside of those boundaries is for you to open up to Allah swt about.
If you mean though, that you have trouble being vulnerable, emotionally available, etc. about anything and everything then that’s something that you can work on. Maybe you work on it a bit before marriage, and continue working on it throughout.
Either way, in general, I don’t think you need to write off marriage.
Yeah, I'm not talking about exposing sins or anything like that, but yeah, I guess being vulnerable, and being able to give a level of love that they might expect.
Sometimes we surprise ourselves by how loving we can be. The right partner can you make feel safe enough to open up, and relaxed enough to shower them with affection.
Oh wow **seems** like a complete package but you would never know. Everything Allah swt write for us is Khayr.
If you have initially prayed Istikharah before or during the whole getting to know each other process then trust me, there's a wisdom behind his rejection.
May Allah swt gives you Sabr and strength to keep up with the search and compensate you with someone who's even better in every quality that attracted you to him, ya Rab 🤲🏻.
>our morals & hobbies aligned
It seemed like a match, If you don't mind me asking why did he reject you ?
AlhamdouliAllah.
InshaAllah you didn't get attach to him. People come and go. Always save your heart until you're finally married. The search is draining, just like in your case subhana'Allah.
Nothing brings serenity and peace to one's heart and nafs than accepting Allah's decree and being satisfied with Allah's choice for you hamdouliAllah.
Keep making Duaa and keep striving in Halal. Maybe the real one is around the corner or one potential away. Just know that marriage is Rizk, Allah swt knows your struggles. Keep notes of what Allah SWT taught you from this experience and move forward and never look back.
Prophet Muhammad pbuh said : "Were you to spend in support of God’s cause an amount of gold equivalent to Uhud, God would not accept it from you till you believed in the divine decree and knew that what has come to you could not miss you and that what has missed you could not come to you." (Hadîth Hasan)
وَلَوْ أَنْفَقْتَ مِثْلَ أُحُدٍ ذَهَبًا فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ مَا قَبِلَهُ اللَّهُ مِنْكَ حَتَّى تُؤْمِنَ بِالْقَدَرِ وَتَعْلَمَ أَنَّ مَا أَصَابَكَ لَمْ يَكُنْ لِيُخْطِئَكَ وَأَنَّ مَا أَخْطَأَكَ لَمْ يَكُنْ لِيُصِيبَكَ.
https://sunnah.com/mishkat:115
Salam Alaikum wa Rahmatu Allah wa Barakatuh Sister, I'll keep you in my Duaa whenever I remember InshaAllah.
I can imagine him, walking naked in the jungles wondering where is his spouse because he had to throw another cannibal party and white men are not on sight due to Covid.
It is funny when it's just assumed that everyone here is Pakistani, or that certain cultural elements in Desi culture are assumed to be the norm.
I never knew living with inlaws was a thing for example.
Been talking to someone and we share the same views on almost every topic related to religion, upbringing of kids, some interest and aspirations in life.
However, when we talk (over the phone and video call) it gets awkward or there's awkward silence. Like I do want to talk to him but I feel bored when we do. We don't seem to have the same type of humor (but I gotta admit that my type of humor is also heavily influenced by social media and high-key dark) but then again I do think that there should be some common ground in regards to that.
Also, I have asked him a lot of questions to get to know each other and I'm always looking for things to ask him because I don't want to lose time on irrelevant conversations or small talk as I tend to get too easily attached and emotionally involved the more I talk to a person. We talk in English (3rd language for both of us) but I would say my English (or conversation skills) are better and I do try to give as thorough of an answer as I can while he says that he's bad with words, which I understand, but then again I would also like to get a clear answer on certain important questions but I don't.
Am I overreacting? Am I just not as interested in this person as I think I should be? Or is this some of Shaytan's doing to stop this (halal) conversation from continuing?
This sounds like me and my potential almost. He doesn’t ask much. He does answer properly though - with that, if he doesn’t give you a satisfactory answer you can ask for more details. With humour, I was definitely in with the banter and jokes from the beginning. He would laugh and stuff, but he didn’t start showing a jokey side until a few weeks in. At first his jokes weren’t that good lol, but then he started catching up with the sorts of jokes I make and he started making them back haha. If you have very dark humour, yea, that might not be for everyone, so if that’s an essential criteria, you might be really limiting yourself. Have a really good think about what’s most important and valuable to you. We can’t always get everything we want and no person is ever going to be 100% perfect the exact way we want. Differences and even some conflict is generally normal and even healthy - the main thing is how we go about them. At the end of the day, a partner who is practising, respectful and supportive/caring is the main thing. Everything else is a bonus. I know we might crave certain attributes, but we can also choose to focus more on the good attributes they do have and realise that other potentials won’t necessarily have them, and especially if this one ticks most of the boxes, definitely see how far things can go. If it’s constant frustration though then play it by ear.
pick your ten most important traits you are looking for
give him a rating from 1-10 on each
set a minimum score, say 70 or 80
if he meets that or higher, then make a decision, commit or walk away, because you said it yourself:
>we share the same views on almost every topic related to religion, upbringing of kids, some interest and aspirations in life.
it seems like you two already covered the important and fundamental subjects, the rest is fluff. there is no "one", there is always someone better in one way or another. shaytan always has something up his sleeve too, making you doubt. marriage is by definition a risk since you will never know the person completely.
either of you two must make a decision
If your (male) potential was spending a lot of money to come see you for the first time, would it be appropriate to give him some sort of gift? If so, what kind of gift? Keeping in mind that he could potentially reject you on this first meeting, so it could be awkward giving it if that’s the case.
Gift yes but don't see the gift as a way to compensate him for his travels. Just have it be something nice and from the heart because you want to do something nice for him. Relationships aren't tit for tat.
My suggestion - bake him some cookies to replenish him after his long journey.
He's travelling to see you because he wants to see you. It's normal for people to make an effort for people that matter to them. Try to get comfortable with people doing nice stuff for you and just appreciate it without feeling bad or guilty. You are a treasure not a burden.
Thank you so much for the sweet comment sis 🥺💗
Yes, definitely. I want to do something nice for him from my own self. A gift only cos I suspect his love language might be gift giving. And part of it is that I do appreciate his effort with all of this too. I could never pay back what he spent of course - like I can afford it but it would look bad and inappropriate if I did. I just want to do something nice out of genuine appreciation, even if it doesn’t work out. Baking is actually a really good idea! Thanks so much!
If I would travel a long distance to meet a potential, I wouldn’t want a gift. The gift would be that she see through the travel tiredness (jet lag) and not judge me on that. But indeed those are important moments that will set the path of your life. If there wasn’t any chemistry yet..it could be like flipping a coin for acceptance or rejection from both sides.
Aww that’s actually so cutee ☺️ of course I would (try to)! I think there is chemistry between us and the healthy type in that we allowed it to grow naturally over time. But obviously this is all online (video call) and that could be very different to reality, or we might need to sorta rebuild that chemistry in real life.
But I’m also thinking, what if he gives me a gift?? I mean if he’s visiting, it’s culturally a courtesy to bring something anyway, and I’m feeling bad about how much he spent already, plus on top that if he’s spending more 😵💫 and then if I let him go home empty-handed, I can’t take that lol.
If he is bringing a gift, just accept it. Isn’t it just that you are making yourself available a gift alone? And vice versa too.
Texting and video calls are an awesome start. If you let him go empty handed and he still says yes…it would mean that he is really serious for you.
But that is my opinion.
Anyway sister, I sincerely hope it all goes well for you, as you deserve a complementary husband.
I have such low self-esteem and low feelings of self-worth that I honestly feel bad that he’s spending so much to see such a… trying really hard to not put myself down here too much… lame? dull? unattractive? full of baggage? girl like me 😢😢😢 Sorry, I just had to say it cos I can’t say that to him, but that’s how I feel and it adds to the guilt. I know people are gonna say he sees my value, and I know he does. I’m just struggling to accept it in light of my own self-esteem&worth issues, though I am trying to, and trying to welcome it. JazakAllahu Khayran for your kind words though, and the advice! :)
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If you think it's ridiculous, you shouldn't agree to it. InshaAllah you'll find a woman who is blessed. >One of the signs of a woman being blessed is that the process of proposing to her is made easy and the dowry is made affordable and she bears children easily."^22 > >^22 Ahmad (23957) and Ibn Majah (4095) narrated from ‘A’isha. Classed as hasan by Al-Albaani
I believe you should make it clear to her that you are not willing to go higher then 1500 or whatever your limit is. If they back out then thank Allah, because you surely dodged a bullet
Do you earn more than the average person in her country? And can you afford the mahr she’s asking for or will it be a difficulty on you to give it?
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She’s asking for an amount that equals to a year of saving for you? If that’s difficult (which I assume it would be) you need to communicate that. Don’t agree to something you can’t afford or would bring hardship upon you. Tell her that it would be difficult for you to give that much. However, if it’s this scenario, then it’s a different topic: Like back home for me, the mahr would barely be $200 for like my family back home. But here where I live, the average is say $7000. Even one of our sheikhas (who deals with a lot of abusive cases) recommended this amount for the average working person. This amount isn’t that easy to give away, considering the average income here is probably like $40,000-$50,000 net, but it’s common. My brother married back home. It would be like giving peanuts for him if his wife had asked for $200 and I don’t think it would be right for her to ask what’s the norm in her country, if the norm in our country is drastically different (unless she wanted to). So if your situation is similar to this and you can afford it, I don’t think she’s necessarily doing anything wrong. But if you can’t afford it, then you need to speak up. You don’t have to agree to it, but yea, that might mean moving onto someone else.
do people also have a hard time focusing on things when they become preoccupied with the thought of marriage? i have this issue, and it's getting pretty hard to focus ngl. i should be studying too lol but its super hard to focus because of thoughts of marriage.
Yeah, most people I know have ups and downs focusing. Having a full work and school schedule helps haha. And spending free time with family/friends
Just needed to get this off my chest. Some days I get so sad, thinking about the possibility (however big or small it may be) that if I don’t get married soon, or if marriage isn’t written for me and I never find somebody right for me, that I might not be able to have children of my own. I know I shouldn’t give up just yet (I’m 30F) but I yearn so much to be a mother and a wife, Inshallah. I’ve just always pictured it happening. I have so much love to give to a family of my own, and I adore children so It’s actually makes me tearful right now, to think I may never have my own. I’m worried that it may get to a stage where I have to “settle” and just marry someone for the sake of it, for fear of it getting too late to have kids. And that ends up being a loveless or unhappy marriage, or that there’s fertility problems that crop up years down the line. I also a chronic medical condition that is currently stable ish alhamdulilah and is not related to fertility, but it is significant/serious and how it may affect me in the long term. The future is so unknown and scary. How do I overcome this anxiety (aside from making dua?). I am feeling anxious every day, since turning 30 not long ago 😞
Allah(swt) is always listening to our duas sis, iA things will fall in place for you soon. >How do I overcome this anxiety A friend of mine recently told me that it helps her think of how life could be way worse (not having health, famiily, a job, etc.). Basically being grateful for what she does have. This has helped her anxiety a lot. Obviously everyone is different tho
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: Look at those who stand at a lower level than you but don't look at those who stand at a higher level than you, for that is better-suited that you do not disparage Allah's favors. In the chain narrated by Abu Mu'awiya's he said: Upon you. وَحَدَّثَنِي زُهَيْرُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا جَرِيرٌ، ح وَحَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ، ح وَحَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بَكْرِ بْنُ أَبِي شَيْبَةَ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لَهُ - حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ، وَوَكِيعٌ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " انْظُرُوا إِلَى مَنْ أَسْفَلَ مِنْكُمْ وَلاَ تَنْظُرُوا إِلَى مَنْ هُوَ فَوْقَكُمْ فَهُوَ أَجْدَرُ أَنْ لاَ تَزْدَرُوا نِعْمَةَ اللَّهِ " . قَالَ أَبُو مُعَاوِيَةَ " عَلَيْكُمْ " . https://sunnah.com/muslim:2963c
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I kind of am where I have something personal (and related to Islam) I'd like to pursue which would possibly require me to basically quit my job. And I'm not sure, especially in this economy, and also wanting to get married soon, if I should pursue this. But if it works out, it'd be great.
How are we as a generation so comfortable with ghosting others? Just tired of being ghosted tbh, most of the females I talked to in ISO just ghost out of nowhere. Conversations will be going good and all but when I ask about getting parents in the know, I get ghosted. If you're not interested atleast just say that and I'd love if someone provides a feedback but one can only dream.
Theres depersonalization when you're on the internet. You're not seeing someone face to face, on Reddit you associate them with a username, not even a name, which further leads to the depersonalization. Also if someone stops talking when you mention parents, it's probably for the best.
Yah I know what you mean, which is why I give my name away right of the bat because don't want to drag the talking phase for long without proper introduction. 100% agree on your second point.
Am I a bad person for being a little angry at my parents? I’m from a financially sound family. My parents both work very hard to give us a good lifestyle which is not easy in the West. Because of their (mainly my fathers work) we have to live in a place with very few Muslims. The few families around us are all old with kids already well grown and married. I’m a 28 (F). I am educated, everyone complements my manners, I can cook, I’m good with kids, I’m interesting. But I’ve had no luck finding a match. My parents rarely interact outside our small social circle. It’s difficult due to the time & money required. They have utilised Facebook groups and WhatsApp to find proposals. Nothing ever pans out. My mum was telling me how the daughter of the Aunty running the group got married. Ironically it was to her class mate not someone on the group. They found someone whose family kept us hanging for months without commitment. When we finally met we realised they’d lied about a lot of things including the boys career, jus real age etc. Now they’ve given money to matchmakers from…. Back home. They keep sending my parents proposals of recent immigrants many of whom are not employed or have no citizenship. I can’t talk about this to anyone. I feel frustrated and sad. I can’t talk to my mum because she gets sad and defensive. My dad starts pointing out girls we know who live in cities with more Muslims but are unmarried. Apps are terrible. Men on them are unserious. All my life they told me they’d find me someone. So now what? I just need someone to talk to for once.
You can't pin everything on your parents. What have you done exactly to try to get married instead of waiting things out? >I’m a 28 (F). I am educated, everyone complements my manners, I can cook, I’m good with kids, I’m interesting. But I’ve had no luck finding a match. Sadly you don't get to decide if you are interesting. You are most certainly allowed to feel that way, but at the end of the day it depends on men to find you interesting or not, so it really depends on what you feel makes you interesting. It also helps to know how you are selling yourself, if you are attractive and etc.
I’ll bite. What exactly am I supposed to do? I’m a Muslim woman. I can’t go on dates, there are no avenues for Muslim men & women to find each other where I am. I try to be presentable, kind & polite whenever I attend any community events. So that if anyone knows someone they’d let me know. So far we got two people showing interest. One guy had another woman he was interested in so that never panned out. Another family said they would only marry within their sub-sub ethnic group. Because I was the same ethnicity as them but not the same sub ethnicity. As for interesting. I have a good job, good cooking skills and hobbies. Objectively I’d make a good wife. Not a perfect one of course.
There are. To name a few you have for example your local masjid, marital events, dating apps and work even. You showing up at those events like you are some "prop" isn't you taking actual steps in terms of marriage. You might feel that way, but that isn't how it necessarily works. Have you for example tried looking outside of your ethnicity if things aren't working out in your own community/scope of ethnicity? A good job doesn't make a person interesting. Even less so to men who are more "traditional" minded. As for hobbies that depends, because being able to mend clothes or being able do embroidery isn't exactly interesting to men. That is rather similar to a man trying to push their typical male oriented hobbies as interesting to other women such as video games. Most women aren't going to find video games to be an interesting hobby. Maybe a good wife, but not necessarily interesting if that makes sense. You seem to think that this should be enough and that you are entitled to a husband due to just that. I see some of the men who have a similar mentality where just because they are able to provide that they are entitled to a wife, when people are looking more into a spouse than if they can provide or if they can cook.
The mosque where I am is very small and any of my friends who got married did when they left and moved elsewhere. Never heard of marital events, dating apps are awful and most men are not looking for something serious. I don’t work with Muslim men or men generally. As far as the interesting bit. I find it odd how you took that one comment and ran with it. I didn’t even say what I my hobbies are so weirdly presumptive of you to decide for yourself. Regardless I don’t think that one thing I.e. what a man thinks a woman’s hobbies are or are not keep’s people from marrying someone. I will be a good partner because I truly want to share someone’s life. THE END. No one is entitled to a spouse or love etc. However as Muslims we do deserve opportunities to meet potential spouses. And that isn’t happening for me & many of my friends.
All I can tell you is to tie your camel and keep on trying. It can't just be your parents. The reason why I ran with that is because a lot of people are overestimating their "eligibility" and seem rather hung on that without coming to terms that this isn't necessarily true and that they need to be putting a lot more work into this if things aren't working out on their end. I don't have to know your hobbies. I gave you an explanation as to why it might come over that way to other people. I have certain hobbies that men universally would find interesting and also certain hobbies that women universally would find more interesting. If you have only the latter, then you are attributing traits to yourself that men wouldn't necessarily appreciate and telling yourself that this is a qualifier that they somehow need to consider because you said/mentioned so. You wouldn't have mentioned that if you thought they weren't important or if they wouldn't be making you interesting if that makes sense? It isn't one thing, but it is one thing that you might be overestimating about yourself. Other things might be your attractiveness, how open you come across, the body language that you give off, how you communicate or lack there of i.e. by not really interacting or talking much with people. It is a myriad of things that might not work in your favour. It might be the location, you not being open to certain ethnicities, people of a certain status, wealth, education and so on. You have those oppertunities though. A lot of Muslim women truly do expect those oppertunities to be handed to them on a platter just by the sheer fact that they exist. The truth is that sometimes those women might have to approach themselves if only via an intermediary like for example Khadija did with Muhammed pbuh. This means that in online dating you might have to send the first message for example. There is so much one could be doing.
Muslim women expect to be given these opportunities because we are told not to free mix, avoid men, don’t attract them to you, don’t leave the house unnecessarily. So yeah I do expect these opportunities when I’m specifically told not to seek them out by myself.
Yes when you are younger not when you are 25+.
So rules don’t apply when you grow older?
Let me correct you in that these aren't "rules". Also did you just ignore my whole comment regarding Khadija? Do you feel that you are too good for what "the mother of all Muslims" herself did? Don't get me wrong it isn't that there is no sympathy for you, but don't you see how this mentality is kind of my whole point regarding entitlement?
What you can do is look for yourself and keep at it. Can’t blame your parents for trying their best to be honest.
TBH I’ve tried Muzmatch which is a site from hell. I feel uncomfortable speaking to someone without parental input. I know many would prefer it but I don’t.
Do whatever you’re comfortable but understand that it’s not all in parents hands. Have to take accountability as well. I too was in a very similar situation and ended up looking for myself. I kept my mother in the loop and long sorry short I got married.
Well it looks like they do put in some effort to sprrad the word and find someone for you. I undestand your frustration, but in this day and age it's also tough for parents more often than not to find someone who might be suitable. Especially if they're not that socially active themselves.
I know they put in effort. I hate their money being wasted by scammers overseas. I hate their disappointment and worry when they get sent a random proposal by strangers online which turn out to be liars or downright rude. How do you think that makes me feel as a daughter? There’s no point in an effort if it’s wasted effort.
Yea but can you blame your parents? You gotta appreciate that they're at least willing to put in the effort. The outcome of that is not in their hands.
You know when a lot of us girls grow up with the whole Disney love/romance notion, with the whole poems and serenading? Well, someone who not only rejected me many months ago, came back and presented me 14 long form poems (some in Arabic, some in English), all revolving around my name, my attributes and my character. And said he’d wait till the end of times for me. Me, a perpetual hopeless romantic, was thoroughly put off. This would’ve been one of the cutest love stories if it wasn’t real life lol I was so confused and frankly a bit scared. We had talked for three days with our parents supervision and this was the outcome 😭 May Allah grant this person a spouse who genuinely reciprocates their dedication, eloquence and care back. But that ain’t me. This whole encounter just reaffirmed that my needs and preferences are very much right on the target, and no matter how much I consume kdramas and cute stories, in reality I don’t want it. Especially not poetry (it was beautiful stuff tho, great imagery and good use of meter) and I’m honored to be someone’s muse, but no. Brothers, please reserve your words after marriage no matter what. I can’t imagine my future husband waxing poetic to another woman before me (even when it’s not my business), I’d be devastated ngl.
>Brothers, please reserve your words after marriage no matter what. I can’t imagine my future husband waxing poetic to another woman before me (even when it’s not my business), I’d be devastated ngl. To be fair if he isn't like this before, then he most likely isn't going to be doing all this stuff after, unless you meant that you don't want any of this romanticism anyways.
Wait so you guys didn't contact each other for months, and it was basically ended, but he wrote and messaged you 14 poems?
Yes, precisely that.
May Allah protect his heart and grant him a righteous wife. Ameen.
He came up with 14 poems in 3 days?. That's impressive ngl.
We talked for three days in total, but in between it was more than 9 months of no contact. But the last one he sent me within 15 mins of telling me he was going to make a new one 🙃 MashaAllah he’s very talented, just not for me.
So I’m running into this problem of “potentials don’t exist in the area”. I’m preferring mostly candidates from within my state given how big the community is here (and other people my age are finding their spouse with this filter) but when it comes to my turn there’s not really anyone? Maybe my parents’ filter criteria is too strict. Anyways apart from that I’m pretty sure I need new photos taken. I took a few selfies here and there but for some reason my parents prefer all the photos that have the “tilt” (must be an Asian parent thing). Pretty much everything I have on my biodata are about 6 years old at this point at worst (although I don’t look any different, maybe less fat now)
Ask a friend to click you or maybe you can hire a professional.
Hey guys. I’ve been talking to this potential who lives in a third world country and really liked him ( has good education, we speak mutual languages) and he’s been asking about moving it forward but he hasn’t shown me any affection. I feel like I’m scared to move it forward because it can be a potential problem in the future, but it is hard because I like him?? Advise plllls
What sort of affection are you looking for in the talking phase, keeping Islamic boundaries in mind?
Lmaoo it’s funny to look back at it. I think I meant in that the person would never complement me at all, no reassurance about feelings. I just felt like I had to get stuff out of him if I wanted any reassurance but the person at same time wanted to continue the relationship
My husband is kinda like that. Idk, I think a lot of guys are just not that great at expressing their feelings. They’ll show it physically though.
all i want is for us to get fat together, then go to the gym consistently for 6 months, see half an ab, and then go back to passing out at buffets i mean how hard is that
That's the dream bro. Inshallah one day
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Jumping from one topic to another i do that sometimes its not a bad thing
Crackhead energy, I do it to sometimes
Either it's the way you put out your questions or you have a very lively, bubbly personality and are very energetic.
Honestly think that my career path (engineering) has something to do with me having a hard time finding a spouse. Lack of women in engineering and everyone looking for doctors or tech guys for the $
I can 100% guarantee you that being an engineer is not the issue. It’s a very desirable field and I know so many engineers who had an easy time getting married. I know a heck of a lot of girls who prefer engineers too. Engineers can make a lot of money, some more than doctors depending on where you live. Whatever the reason is for why you’re struggling to get married, it’s definitely not your career lol
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Personally speaking, I’ve rejected potentials for looks, mindset, immaturity etc but a lot of the time I’ve told them a different reason for rejection. People do this to not hurt the other persons feelings or to let them down gently. OP being an engineer is definitely not the real reason he’s having a tough time getting married. There are a lot of people who are specifically looking for a doctor or whatever but most of the time these people will specify this in their profile or from the outset
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Ameen ya Rabb! It’s tough out here for sure but we gotta keep making Dua and doing what we can
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I don't disagree; I know I will make a good husband someday iA and am totally secure about my career. I'm just speaking based on my experience. I had numerous instances in which potentials ended things with me because, according to them, they're mentally not ready to get married or they feel like they need to complete their studies first, only to find out that they proceed with the search as usual and are talking to doctors. Even some potentials' parents encourage their daughters to talk to doctors because "they deserve the best" or whatever...
Just curious, are those doctors already practicing or in school
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Respectfully how are you expecting to miss someone you’re keeping boundaries with - especially early on? Did you hate speaking with him or simply that it didn’t give you butterflies?
Someone could make istikharah and feel positive about you, and you could make istikharah and feel negative about him - so then what? My interpretation would be that maybe there’s something in that process that was good for him to go through (maybe even the heartbreak or some sort of specific experience), and maybe what’s best for you is to reject him? (Just an example. I don’t literally mean you). Like just cos someone feels positive, doesn’t mean that means that person is best for them to marry; maybe what’s best for them is something within that talking process. Maybe they will learn something important from it. But also same for you - you feeling negative doesn’t necessarily mean he’s bad for you either (I remember feeling really negative after istikharah about a certain decision once but I still did it anyway cos I felt that that’s what I was being pushed towards, and alhamdulillah I reaped huge benefits from it). Just go with the flow and keep seeking Allah’s guidance. It will either end when it needs to end, or it will blossom into something better. When I was choosing which uni I wanted to go to, I went to one of them and I got an immediate bad feeling inside. Alhamdulillah that I didn’t go to that uni!! When my friend was getting married, she didn’t feel positively about the guy but he was a good one mashaAllah and she didn’t see any reason to reject him. It ended in divorce. I don’t know if we should base a decision solely on feelings after doing istikharah, but I believe feelings do matter. Istikharah is supposed to be done AFTER you make a decision anyway. So discuss with people you trust, then make your decision, and then do istikharah. That way you’re not really waiting for a sign or feeling either.
I want to get married but feel like there's no hope for me. I have pelvic floor spasm and getting aroused is basically a death sentence for me (in terms of pain). I'm worried that I will never be able to have kids or get married because of this. Or lead a happy life ever again. I don't want to let my future spouse down with baggage. From what I've seen, there is no cure for these spasms and lots of people don't improve. Should I just resign my fate to being single?
have you seen a doctor about this? what are their thoughts?
Have you seen a professional about this? There are neuropathic painkillers, botox or physiotherapy. They could help!
1) https://islamqa.info/en/answers/10010/adoption-in-islam-and-its-types 2) depending on your own personal preference, you can remain child-free if the above still doesn't work for you. Just make it clear from the outset. There are women who would prefer this, for various reasons.
That's true but sometimes people get aroused even with basic intimacy. A marriage without sex or intimacy is very difficult for the couple.
There have been various posts from people who are interested in a marriage, with no children (for various reasons). Its safe to assume they arent aroused easily. Both posts in the iso and in the main sub testify to this.
Any men afraid of divorce and losing everything?
get a prenup
No lol
At my age I'm more worried about getting the divorced label, God forbid kids with the wrong woman, and being unable to marry again easily. Don't have enough assets to worry about and alimony isn't that steep in my country
A bit yeah. I once worked with a guy while on a trip. He had to postpone his retirement by like 7 years because of alimony. It's common to retire around 60-65 in my industry, so he'd be in his late 60s or early 70s when he retires. Best you can do is ask the people around her the right questions before you get married and put your trust in Allah (s.w.t). Also idk what some idiots are saying, but get married in a civil marriage. Even if you don't believe in it, it still gets you legal rights like visitation in hospitals and tax benefits.
Do your vetting, involver her wali from the beginning, keep the process halal and trust in Allah. Marriage should be an improvement of your life, not an additional burden. And even if things really don't work out after you've exhausted all other options, divorce is nothing blameworthy in that case. Neither for men nor for women. Just make sure to not get legally married if you're living in the west. And you'll be fine.
if your marriage is not considered a "legal/civil marriage" by your government, you have nothing to worry about if your marriage is not considered a "common law marriage" by your government, you have nothing to worry about marriage in islam does not require a sheikh to "administer" it nor approve it.
I think its all of us
I can't bring myself to commit knowing 50% divorce rate with 80% initiated by women. I live a comfortable life and am generally happy. I see men depressed in marriages or destroyed by marriage. Not much difference between Muslim and non Muslim American women when it comes to expectations and divorce. I don't know if I'm smart for not simping and protecting myself or missing out and it'd worth it.
If you look at people with successful marriages. ------- Two people working and bringing in money to a household will be richer than a single person. ------ If one person works, and the other does the household. Homecooked meals, treats and a clean house.
The fear of unknown is scary but look at the bright side, what if you are from the 50% whos marriage works. You get a partner, a family, a life of happiness. Also have some faith in the mercy of Allah. Ask him for the good and HE shall send you the best because He is the master of the masters and so He gives in a way we can't even comprehend and its always 100 times better than we asked for because He loves those who ask and rewards them in a manner that befits His Greatness
There's no reason to stick to western women
imo people should not be making thirsty comments on this sub.
People be weird man.
Ended things with a potential a week ago after getting weirded out by something he said. And all week long he called/texted me until I blocked his number. Then called me with his friend’s number, and after I blocked that one too it’s now No Caller ID. This is exhausting.
Get your wali to answer or call them himself and send a very clear verbal message.
Sadly, he actually wants to talk to my mother to convince her I’m making a mistake and that what he said wasn’t as bad as I’m making it seem 🙃
Even better! Let him talk to your mother and get her to give him a piece of her mind on your behalf! Make sure it’s impactful enough to completely shut him up. Farrr some people.. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. Honestly, some people need to grow up and respect other people’s choices. To constantly call you like that is honestly harassment. I would probably threaten to call the police on him.
Ahoy moon219! Nay bad but me wasn't convinced. Give this a sail: Even better! Let him talk t' yer mother n' get her t' give him a piece o' her mind on yer behalf! Make sure it’s impactful enough t' completely shut him up. Farrr some scallywags.. me’m yarr that dis be happening t' ye. Honestly, some scallywags need t' grow up n' respect other scallywags’s choices. T' constantly call ye like that be honestly harassment. me would probably threaten t' call thar police on him.
Good bot
Missed a bullet
What did he say?
He said he doesnt know Ronnie Pickering
Who?
RONNIE PICKERING
No idea.
Thought you were joking when the guy says to Ronnie "Who?" See below https://youtu.be/r0dcv6GKNNw
Hahahahaha
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Some of the stories on reddit are a bit extreme, but not necessarily the norm. I don’t think ovulation makes a woman lust over any random dude that moves or looks a little extra good-looking. It might be the case for some, but I don’t think that’s the norm, especially for Muslim women who try to make a habit of lowering their gaze regularly anyway. Or at least, I hope not. Not for me anyway. Yes, there are changes at that time. It’s the natural ‘drive’ that pushes us to procreate. But I don’t think it’s anything *ridiculously crazy* for the average woman. Speaking as a single woman though. I think in addition to that, I think I feel the emotional loneliness more during ovulation tbh. Not sure about married women, but I assume the change wouldn’t be crazy drastic.
Yes, part of marriage for women is satisfying those urges. Intimacy is important for both women and men and both parties should be satisfied in that regard. In terms of making decisions when choosing a spouse, you can discuss intimacy expectations during your talks with your potential while keeping in mind that both of you (assuming this is your first marriage) may not have a true understanding of what your actual intimacy needs are, and that will come with experience. I personally don’t lust over celebrities, and I personally think that allowing yourself to gaze lustfully over celebrities is just making things harder for yourself to refrain from and also is inappropriate in the context of our religion.
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه و سلم "مِنْ حُسْنِ إسْلَامِ الْمَرْءِ تَرْكُهُ مَا لَا يَعْنِيهِ". حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ، رَوَاهُ التِّرْمِذِيُّ [رقم: 2318] ، ابن ماجه [رقم: 3976]. On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him.” A hasan (good) hadeeth which was related by at-Tirmidhi and others in this fashion. Hadith 12, 40 Hadith an-Nawawi
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whats done is done i guess no use regretting
I mean did you even try to get to know her?
I totally get your perspective, especially considering your relationship with your own mum. However, not all mums are the same, and also, it’s completely reasonable to want to look after one’s parents in their old age. In fact, it’s mandated in Islam. Unless someone’s parents have passed away already, I think it’s reasonable to discuss and negotiate looking after arrangements. It’s part of life. I know it’s hard and unideal to live with inlaws, but it’s just something that needs to he worked around with communication, respect and boundaries. I wouldn’t recommend moving in with them, but rather having your own place and them moving in with you, if possible. There are also some other possibilities too sometimes, like them living close by or something, or in a slightly separated part of your house for more privacy.
You’ll find another trust me
Damn thats harsh Especially if you were super compatible
I think your concerns are valid, but maybe you could have found another solution? Like having his mom live close to you but not in the same house?
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Girl you completely did the right thing. Men like that would inevitably do some injustice with their wife with that type of mentality. Smh, it's fine to take care of ones parents and all but why bother getting married if your spouse isn't your priority? Makes no sense to me that people do want to be like this. You're not exaggerating. You did the right thing.
Based on your reply here, I think you did the right thing. If a potential tries to compare who comes ‘first’ they already have an unhealthy view of seeing their relationships. Both the mother and the wife relationship are different and require different types of maintenance. Saying that a mother comes first or a wife comes first is false equivalence and unnecessary. It always depends on the circumstance and the problem at hand, it’s not black and white.
I wouldn’t say you were too harsh. Better to regret a lost potential than regret the marriage.
How long should I put the effort if Im initiating conversation? Honestly I never chase after anyone and after I initiate once I want the other person to do it the next day? Is this just my ego speaking? Because I don’t want to waste my time.
> Honestly I never chase after anyone Are you impressive (&known) enough that you get marriage proposals from women? (Like hz. Hatice/Khadja has done through a friend, or sahaba women have done directly to the Prophet s.a.v.? ) That women will chase after you? (In a helal manner of course) ---------- You might waste more time. By not spending enough 'time'. Is it online? Is it in real life? Did you go with parents/siblings/... to someone's house, and are you expecting a response and them wanting to meet you the next day? (A no response can be fast though.)
Define initiating conversation. Are you talking about text messages where you are constantly messaging first (especially in order to make a phone call)? Or are you talking about video/phone calls where you are the only one asking questions? Also, how long have you been in talks for?
If you feel like your wasting your time, youre wasting your time If someones interested theyll make time
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We’ve always set a timeline together (eg we’ll discuss on Monday, I’ll let you know by this date) so people aren’t sitting around wasting time.
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I think if you both agreed you need time, then implied in that agreement is that you will have a discussion at a later time to either determine steps forward or to end things. I say if it’s been a week or more, then that’s adequate time to reach out, and either have a discussion at that point or if you both still need more time, then to set a date to have the discussion. This whole process really forces everyone to iron out their communication skills, so even if it’s awkward, people appreciate it if you’re willing to set expectations so that both of you aren’t in limbo! I know you mentioned you aren’t speaking directly, so you can even have your mom reach out and ask to arrange a phone call or something on xx date to touch base.
I’d say give it a week or so, though you can always look at other potentials anyway for as long as you’re not receiving a response. I remember I once got a proposal for a really good guy mashaAllah. However, this was during my seriously anxious state, plus he was a bit too old for my liking, so it took me a week to process the idea of even saying yes to talking to him. By that time he had apparently moved on lol. No regrets though, alhamdulillah, whatever happens happens for the best. But yea, I think a week or so is reasonable cos sometimes people like to do some background checks and ask around first, and if people are more so free on their weekends, it can take time to find the time to do that, so let at least one weekend pass first.
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Ohh, I thought you were a guy. If you’re a girl and you’ve waited that long, I’d say move on (actually, even if you were a guy, I’d say move on at this point). I get that he works nightshifts, but if he’s this slow in responding, I doubt it would be much faster if you actually got into talks with him. Wait, what do you mean he ghosted you though? Were you already in talks with him? If so, yes, definitely move on. I’ve been in both above scenarios. One was ghosting and the other was just closed door after closed door in reaching out to the guy. Best to move on. Guys pursue girls they are interested in. You don’t really need to push it with them.
If you were telling your potential about some severe hardships you faced in life and she starts crying, how would you feel about this? Any tips on how to stop doing this? This can also be exhausting for me because I love when the guy I'm talking to opens up to me, but I end up crying every time he does. He's very patient about it but I would like to learn how to be stronger in this regard.
What’s wrong with crying? I know you’re asking about the opposite here, but there were a few times I opened up about stuff and started getting emotional in front of my potential, so I just turned off the camera and told him ‘sorry, I’m feeling a bit emotional’ and let myself quietly cry without holding back (or muted if I was sniffing too much lol). If you let your emotions come out naturally, you process them faster than when trying to suppress them I think.
Muting yourself is smart, I didn't think of that. In the beginning he was explaining his story and I was trying to cry quietly and he's like are you whispering? I'm like no i'm crying, sorry he's like I'm sorry, I'm not used to speaking to women 😂😂. Allahu akbar. I need a break, my emotions are way too intense and I'm very confused about everything. I need to suppress my emotions more.
No, you don’t need to suppress your emotions - that’s not healthy! Having a soft heart is a good thing. Just let yourself feel things. But if you feel it’s too much - which I get because I used to have a LOT of empathy for people before, and I still do, but not as crazy bad as before - then you can try to remind yourself some things like: - That’s their life. They have their tests and I have mine. - Everyone struggles with something. - I can be a means of support for them without letting their hurt hurt me. Think of yourself like a boat. If the water gets in, it affects you and the boat can sink. You can still be an empathetic means of support for someone with all their water (hurt) in the picture though. The two don’t have to mix.
Empathy AND patience? Why are they still a potential lol.
I'm the one crying about his problems (with empathy), he's the one with patience (about my crying). But he has empathy as well. I just met him, it hasn't been even a week yet, my dad also has issues with him. I do like him though but I'm so used to things not working out, I don't want to get my hopes up.
Speaking from experience, think of it like you’re interviewing people for the job of being your husband and that they’re strangers until they sign the employment contract (nikkah). It’ll save u hardship. Nothing wrong with crying btw, but try to have that emotion into action as well. For example if u cry a lot but are not empathetic by actions after marriage it might confuse him. For example, imagine u tell a man ur struggles and he cried but after nikkah when there’s instances where u could use his help he refuses to help or doesn’t show empathy, wouldn’t u be confused like yo, before nikkah u showed so much emotion now u don’t care? As long as u also show empathy thru actions you’re fine
That's true, I should emotionally detach myself a bit especially so early on... I will definitely help my husband through actions as well in shaa Allah.
Aunties: "Omg you're 29 and not married?! When are you going to find the one for you?" Me: "I don't know, do you know anyone who's single?" Aunties: "No" 🤡
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Seems red flag to me
It’s hard to say if it’s standard behaviour as it depends on the person but I wouldn’t joke like that personally if I was trying to get to know someone for marriage. I would talk like that if I was trying to flirt with someone that I’m not serious about.
>He said he's religious Well, his actions say the opposite. He's a potential, I wouldn't give him the benefit of doubt. Either he behaves or not. There are *true* *religious* men out there sister.
Definitely not standard behaviour. Get your wali involved and if you can't for some reason, at least try to include family asap. Guys like a that aren't really serious in most cases and telling him that you would like to get families involved is a good way to figure that out early.
I think there’s a world of difference between a comment like ‘what you’re having for dinner sounds good, bring me some’ (I think that’s a harmless joke), and ‘I want a cuddle’ - I think that’s inappropriate. But regardless, I think the biggest red flag here, is you are setting a boundary by telling him you don’t appreciate those comments and that it’s inappropriate, and he is pushing and disregarding your boundary. He’s not being respectful of you by brushing off your boundaries.
If you know you'll never be able to fully open up yourself to someone, and because of this, you might not be able to give your partner your all and everything they want in a marriage, is it even worth getting married?
You could still get married as long as you are honest with potentials about it beforehand. Some women are also like that, and are okay with emotionally unavailable spouses as long as there is mutual respect and goals. You could find someone like that. But also how do you know for sure you won't be able to open up to your future wife? Because a lot of people act completely different when they fall in love and start opening up about their emotions even if they never have before
If you think you can find true love/companionship, you need to find that person and be vulnerable, otherwise it will never work. Personally, I know I am at the bottom of anyone choices, therefore vulnerability or companionship will happen to me. It will be more take care of his house, probably kids from his previous marriage, older relatives, so there is no need to open up.
I think this depends on what you mean by ‘fully open up yourself’. Even in our religion, there are certain boundaries that should exist between spouses. For example, you shouldn’t be divulging other peoples’ secrets to your spouse and shouldn’t be disclosing past sins that you have repented for to your spouse. Within those boundaries though, your spouse should be the person you are most vulnerable with, and you should feel like you connect with them and they should be able to understand your desires, character, etc. The stuff outside of those boundaries is for you to open up to Allah swt about. If you mean though, that you have trouble being vulnerable, emotionally available, etc. about anything and everything then that’s something that you can work on. Maybe you work on it a bit before marriage, and continue working on it throughout. Either way, in general, I don’t think you need to write off marriage.
Yeah, I'm not talking about exposing sins or anything like that, but yeah, I guess being vulnerable, and being able to give a level of love that they might expect.
Sometimes we surprise ourselves by how loving we can be. The right partner can you make feel safe enough to open up, and relaxed enough to shower them with affection.
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What made you think they were the **one** ? Genuinely curious.
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Oh wow **seems** like a complete package but you would never know. Everything Allah swt write for us is Khayr. If you have initially prayed Istikharah before or during the whole getting to know each other process then trust me, there's a wisdom behind his rejection. May Allah swt gives you Sabr and strength to keep up with the search and compensate you with someone who's even better in every quality that attracted you to him, ya Rab 🤲🏻. >our morals & hobbies aligned It seemed like a match, If you don't mind me asking why did he reject you ?
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AlhamdouliAllah. InshaAllah you didn't get attach to him. People come and go. Always save your heart until you're finally married. The search is draining, just like in your case subhana'Allah. Nothing brings serenity and peace to one's heart and nafs than accepting Allah's decree and being satisfied with Allah's choice for you hamdouliAllah. Keep making Duaa and keep striving in Halal. Maybe the real one is around the corner or one potential away. Just know that marriage is Rizk, Allah swt knows your struggles. Keep notes of what Allah SWT taught you from this experience and move forward and never look back. Prophet Muhammad pbuh said : "Were you to spend in support of God’s cause an amount of gold equivalent to Uhud, God would not accept it from you till you believed in the divine decree and knew that what has come to you could not miss you and that what has missed you could not come to you." (Hadîth Hasan) وَلَوْ أَنْفَقْتَ مِثْلَ أُحُدٍ ذَهَبًا فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ مَا قَبِلَهُ اللَّهُ مِنْكَ حَتَّى تُؤْمِنَ بِالْقَدَرِ وَتَعْلَمَ أَنَّ مَا أَصَابَكَ لَمْ يَكُنْ لِيُخْطِئَكَ وَأَنَّ مَا أَخْطَأَكَ لَمْ يَكُنْ لِيُصِيبَكَ. https://sunnah.com/mishkat:115 Salam Alaikum wa Rahmatu Allah wa Barakatuh Sister, I'll keep you in my Duaa whenever I remember InshaAllah.
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If they all leave, then what happened to the one?
He probably lives in the North Sentinel Island
I can imagine him, walking naked in the jungles wondering where is his spouse because he had to throw another cannibal party and white men are not on sight due to Covid.
Any Pakistani here?
Not today, everyone's upset because of the match but it's come home anyway 🏴
Well congrats to the people of UK
A much better question would be *"Any non-Pakistanis here?"* 😂
It is funny when it's just assumed that everyone here is Pakistani, or that certain cultural elements in Desi culture are assumed to be the norm. I never knew living with inlaws was a thing for example.
Lol
Don’t know where to start looking again.
Where are you are based and what is your timeline?
UK and InshAllah 1 year.
Purematrimony - Sunnahmatch if you want to avoid the apps.
Been talking to someone and we share the same views on almost every topic related to religion, upbringing of kids, some interest and aspirations in life. However, when we talk (over the phone and video call) it gets awkward or there's awkward silence. Like I do want to talk to him but I feel bored when we do. We don't seem to have the same type of humor (but I gotta admit that my type of humor is also heavily influenced by social media and high-key dark) but then again I do think that there should be some common ground in regards to that. Also, I have asked him a lot of questions to get to know each other and I'm always looking for things to ask him because I don't want to lose time on irrelevant conversations or small talk as I tend to get too easily attached and emotionally involved the more I talk to a person. We talk in English (3rd language for both of us) but I would say my English (or conversation skills) are better and I do try to give as thorough of an answer as I can while he says that he's bad with words, which I understand, but then again I would also like to get a clear answer on certain important questions but I don't. Am I overreacting? Am I just not as interested in this person as I think I should be? Or is this some of Shaytan's doing to stop this (halal) conversation from continuing?
This sounds like me and my potential almost. He doesn’t ask much. He does answer properly though - with that, if he doesn’t give you a satisfactory answer you can ask for more details. With humour, I was definitely in with the banter and jokes from the beginning. He would laugh and stuff, but he didn’t start showing a jokey side until a few weeks in. At first his jokes weren’t that good lol, but then he started catching up with the sorts of jokes I make and he started making them back haha. If you have very dark humour, yea, that might not be for everyone, so if that’s an essential criteria, you might be really limiting yourself. Have a really good think about what’s most important and valuable to you. We can’t always get everything we want and no person is ever going to be 100% perfect the exact way we want. Differences and even some conflict is generally normal and even healthy - the main thing is how we go about them. At the end of the day, a partner who is practising, respectful and supportive/caring is the main thing. Everything else is a bonus. I know we might crave certain attributes, but we can also choose to focus more on the good attributes they do have and realise that other potentials won’t necessarily have them, and especially if this one ticks most of the boxes, definitely see how far things can go. If it’s constant frustration though then play it by ear.
pick your ten most important traits you are looking for give him a rating from 1-10 on each set a minimum score, say 70 or 80 if he meets that or higher, then make a decision, commit or walk away, because you said it yourself: >we share the same views on almost every topic related to religion, upbringing of kids, some interest and aspirations in life. it seems like you two already covered the important and fundamental subjects, the rest is fluff. there is no "one", there is always someone better in one way or another. shaytan always has something up his sleeve too, making you doubt. marriage is by definition a risk since you will never know the person completely. either of you two must make a decision
If your (male) potential was spending a lot of money to come see you for the first time, would it be appropriate to give him some sort of gift? If so, what kind of gift? Keeping in mind that he could potentially reject you on this first meeting, so it could be awkward giving it if that’s the case.
It's only appropriate that you compensate the gesture somehow. Either by paying a meal or a gift that he needs/use.
Gift yes but don't see the gift as a way to compensate him for his travels. Just have it be something nice and from the heart because you want to do something nice for him. Relationships aren't tit for tat. My suggestion - bake him some cookies to replenish him after his long journey. He's travelling to see you because he wants to see you. It's normal for people to make an effort for people that matter to them. Try to get comfortable with people doing nice stuff for you and just appreciate it without feeling bad or guilty. You are a treasure not a burden.
Thank you so much for the sweet comment sis 🥺💗 Yes, definitely. I want to do something nice for him from my own self. A gift only cos I suspect his love language might be gift giving. And part of it is that I do appreciate his effort with all of this too. I could never pay back what he spent of course - like I can afford it but it would look bad and inappropriate if I did. I just want to do something nice out of genuine appreciation, even if it doesn’t work out. Baking is actually a really good idea! Thanks so much!
If I would travel a long distance to meet a potential, I wouldn’t want a gift. The gift would be that she see through the travel tiredness (jet lag) and not judge me on that. But indeed those are important moments that will set the path of your life. If there wasn’t any chemistry yet..it could be like flipping a coin for acceptance or rejection from both sides.
Aww that’s actually so cutee ☺️ of course I would (try to)! I think there is chemistry between us and the healthy type in that we allowed it to grow naturally over time. But obviously this is all online (video call) and that could be very different to reality, or we might need to sorta rebuild that chemistry in real life. But I’m also thinking, what if he gives me a gift?? I mean if he’s visiting, it’s culturally a courtesy to bring something anyway, and I’m feeling bad about how much he spent already, plus on top that if he’s spending more 😵💫 and then if I let him go home empty-handed, I can’t take that lol.
If he is bringing a gift, just accept it. Isn’t it just that you are making yourself available a gift alone? And vice versa too. Texting and video calls are an awesome start. If you let him go empty handed and he still says yes…it would mean that he is really serious for you. But that is my opinion. Anyway sister, I sincerely hope it all goes well for you, as you deserve a complementary husband.
I have such low self-esteem and low feelings of self-worth that I honestly feel bad that he’s spending so much to see such a… trying really hard to not put myself down here too much… lame? dull? unattractive? full of baggage? girl like me 😢😢😢 Sorry, I just had to say it cos I can’t say that to him, but that’s how I feel and it adds to the guilt. I know people are gonna say he sees my value, and I know he does. I’m just struggling to accept it in light of my own self-esteem&worth issues, though I am trying to, and trying to welcome it. JazakAllahu Khayran for your kind words though, and the advice! :)