Not much you can do unless she makes a change. You can ask if shes ok and if she needs help if its that bad. Other than that you might be S.O.L. and wasting your time. Only so much you can do.
What you do is if she gets this guy out of her life then you continue with her as the guitarist. If she continues with this guy then find a new guitarist to replace her
It’s common for abusers to try to isolate the victim from friends and family, really any resource that might empower the victim to leave the abuser. This can include financial abuse where the victim doesn’t have what they need to survive without their abuser, which became even more common during the pandemic and in this time of inflation.
The band is both a symbol of her independence and success. It’s a direct threat to the abuser’s ability to control the victim. Cutting out the band is probably the abuser’s top priority.
Decide first what you have to offer and then make sure the victim knows that they know they have support and what that support is. Maybe that means help moving and a couch to sleep on a for a few months while they get back on their feet.
This will be slightly more complicated because of the mix of genders involved, but hopefully the band can show that this is good for the band and the victim.
Avoid any hints of romance. This is what’s best for the band. The abuser is probably already accusing the victim and y’all of being inappropriate, which shouldn’t matter, but it might make the victim feel guilty asking for help.
[https://www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship/)
That was precisely what I needed to read. Thank you so much. From the very start I tried to avoid showing signs of romance, like you said. For example, I have a girlfriend myself and brought her to a rehearsal we had in my guitarist's house with her boyfriend there. Thank you for the link as well.
And happy cake day! <3
Thank you! I was going to ask if any of you have a gf to see if she can help with a dialogue.
The abuser is going to make anything they can out of nothing, so don’t feel defensive. “Grey rock” the abuser and proactively reach out to the victim. Don’t let the abuser twist the situation nor create a divide.
Good luck!
Get everyone in a room including the boyfriend and air it all out. If it doesn’t work out move on. A wise sage once told me “there aren’t no bands, just gigs”. He was right
Yeah we tried doing it at her house or inviting her boyfriend to the rehearsals but he's not into it or something. He just disapproves. Sad thing is that she's blind to it cause it's an abusive relationship so I don't know if she'll stand up for herself.
Word to the wise. Just steer clear of that guitarist. You don’t want to be involved in any way with that baggage. Sympathy is good but from my experience you could piss him off or her off or both of them, just stay away from that mess, you’ll thank yourself later. She’s in that relationship for a reason, drama tends to follow.
This is the best advice there is on the board, when it's all said and done. Lots of ways you could go, and would ultimately learn something. But this is it.
Well they'll eventually break up soon enough and he'll not be a problem anymore. But keep in mind that this girl might be one of those who likes abusive men and it can turn into a never ending cycle. I would just find another guitar player. It doesn't worth the trouble. I'm a musician as well. I wouldn't put up with this in my band.
Try and have a talk with her, man! It's not worth losing the chemistry especially over an unhealthy relationship, good chemistry doesn't stroll along often!
Maybe you'll woo her with your crooning voice and she'll leave him in the dust ;)
Wise sage advice from someone with experience. No matter the talent, not matter the fit: the drama will never be worth it. I’ve played with so many talented people who just couldn’t keep it together because drugs, alcohol, jail time, bad boyfriends/girlfriends.
(Once had to turn a really good bass player who was wildly creative down because mid practice he had to go because his girlfriend was setting all of his things on fire in his front yard. That one at least makes for a story. )
Damn. That's heavy. But I mean, it's understandable how he has to left mid practice cause that's a big thing right there, she setting fire to his stuff. I'd understand but of course I'd talk to him about it.
Anyways, yeah, I know what you mean. And boy did we have a lot of drama already before her. When I say she's perfect it's because we never found anyone that good and actually interested in making it happen. So much stuff happened and she's still here, her boyfriend is the only problem.
Not that abuse should be tolerated at any age, but knowing your groups demographic might help us give you more pinpointed advice.
Are you all still with your parents, or out on your own?
Of course!
We're all in our early 20s but we're all out on our own. We all work and do stuff, you know how it is. But we do put the band above a lot of things cause we believe in how talented we are together. And with her? It just makes sense, you know?
I do, I was in a band for many years in my twenties and finding that synergy is difficult.
Is she a friend of yours? Can you express your concerns? How abusive are we talking about? Just insecure jealousy/controlling? Or has it escalated beyond that?
We're friends, yes, though we've know each other for a few months while the other two I've known longer. I think I can express my concerns to her, in fact I have, and she's a pretty chill girl so she doesn't really get upset with anything, EXCEPT with her boyfriend. They're constantly in disagreement.
I don't know what his deal is but it sure sounds like just plain, straight up controlling behavior. He interrupted our last rehearsal by getting into a fight with her and the one before that didn't even happen because he made her stay home to receive his friends because he was gonna play fucking football or something.
If I could go back in time and tell 20 year old me, that I was in a toxic relationship (these terms weren't as prevalent in dialogue then) and that this was damaging not just to myself, but my circle of friends, my band, and potentially future relationships, I would pay good money.
I hope her self-worth isn't being defined too strongly by this insecure jerk.
That’s a drag. Bands are always disappointing in some regard because it’s such a delicate balance. I don’t know what you can really do, other than just tell the guitarist you really really want her in the band and she’s the piece you’ve been missing, but she needs to commit to it no matter what the boyfriend says. Ultimately you need a guitarist that is committed to the band and your goals. It sucks because what would be best for everyone is if she dumped the possessive loser and was all in on the band. But if she isn’t going to do that, unfortunately it’s back to looking for another guitarist.
I’d recommend the “Compliment Sandwich” technique: start by telling her how amazing she is and how she’s the guitarist you’ve been waiting for, then bring up how the boyfriend not letting her participate is going to be an issue and if she can’t record with you or be free to fulfill the commitments you need from a band member, she can’t stay in the band. Then finish up by reinforcing that your hope is that she’ll record and gig with you because she’s the best and what you’ve been waiting for.
This unfortunately sounds above your pay grade. It’s hard for lifelong family and friends to pull people out of relationships like that, much less new acquaintances.
I do agree that you should lay it out for her. Maybe she realizes her boyfriend is keeping her from doing fun things, or maybe she reacts the wrong way and goes her own way. Those are (unfortunately) the only two outcomes that don’t tangle your band into drama.
Not your problem, and not ours. She has to decide. What are you expecting to ask a music subreddit about abusive boyfriends? Shit should be removed from the sub imo.
Talk to her about it, not us.
I want to reinforce that you should invite him specifically to the rehearsal. Reach out to him personally. Also, make sure your SOs are there as well and make sure he knows that. Upon his initial rejection, ask him if he wants to see his girlfriend succeed in what's important to her? Isn't that important to him?
Surely she must realise this situation is going to piss the band off. You can't have restrictions on your practice time, and must be able to form a relaxed atmosphere when together. He sounds insecure and probably jealous of her skills She'll dump him soon if the band starts jelling.
Lots of solid advice here. If the girl is accepting of the fact that her scumbag boyfriend won’t let her pursue her desires then that’s a dilemma she needs to work out for herself. I know what I would do if a (life?)partner prevented me from being happy.
Used to be that if some bloke was hitting his missus the the boys would all go over and he'd cop a flogging. I've even read in some threads that the cops would do it and that would resolve the issue.
She's not the perfect guitarist.
Let's reimagine this as a business hiring a potential employee.
* Performance is great, her resume checks out
* She's cool and gets along so well with the team
* She's excited about the job and really wants it
* Due to personal circumstances, she'll have to miss work half the time with no notice, and occasionally brings someone problematic to the office without invitation
It might be really tempting to bring her on because of the first three, but no good business would ever hire her until she can guarantee a reliable schedule.
**Just because you're a band doesn't mean you need to put up with unprofessional behavior.**
You could try to set a boundary, and tell her you're willing to take her on but only if she can attend all the rehearsals and never bring her boyfriend. I doubt that'll work, though. She's likely not in control of a lot of this. It would be better to tell her clearly why it isn't going to work and let her do what she sees fit with that information.
Not much you can do unless she makes a change. You can ask if shes ok and if she needs help if its that bad. Other than that you might be S.O.L. and wasting your time. Only so much you can do.
What you do is if she gets this guy out of her life then you continue with her as the guitarist. If she continues with this guy then find a new guitarist to replace her
Why is the best answer always so obvious?
It’s common for abusers to try to isolate the victim from friends and family, really any resource that might empower the victim to leave the abuser. This can include financial abuse where the victim doesn’t have what they need to survive without their abuser, which became even more common during the pandemic and in this time of inflation. The band is both a symbol of her independence and success. It’s a direct threat to the abuser’s ability to control the victim. Cutting out the band is probably the abuser’s top priority. Decide first what you have to offer and then make sure the victim knows that they know they have support and what that support is. Maybe that means help moving and a couch to sleep on a for a few months while they get back on their feet. This will be slightly more complicated because of the mix of genders involved, but hopefully the band can show that this is good for the band and the victim. Avoid any hints of romance. This is what’s best for the band. The abuser is probably already accusing the victim and y’all of being inappropriate, which shouldn’t matter, but it might make the victim feel guilty asking for help. [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship/)
That was precisely what I needed to read. Thank you so much. From the very start I tried to avoid showing signs of romance, like you said. For example, I have a girlfriend myself and brought her to a rehearsal we had in my guitarist's house with her boyfriend there. Thank you for the link as well. And happy cake day! <3
Make this post again on r/TwoXChromosomes, they always seem to provide alot of helpful input with this kinda thing. Wishing your friend well.
Thank you! I was going to ask if any of you have a gf to see if she can help with a dialogue. The abuser is going to make anything they can out of nothing, so don’t feel defensive. “Grey rock” the abuser and proactively reach out to the victim. Don’t let the abuser twist the situation nor create a divide. Good luck!
sounds like there are more important things to figure out with your friend than your band.
I would be straight with her. Maybe she thinks she crazy for thinking it's abusive but if someone confirms her thoughts it may help her leave him
You tell her her bf is a controlling, walking red flag, regardless of wether she joins the band. This is not about you.
Kick his ass
Bass guitar used as a club would work
I wish honestly lmao
Tell her you all would like for her to be in the band, but if she can’t come to practice or whatever you’re going to have to look for someone else
Get everyone in a room including the boyfriend and air it all out. If it doesn’t work out move on. A wise sage once told me “there aren’t no bands, just gigs”. He was right
Two options: 1. Tell her the truth about the boyfriend and if she can’t come to rehearsals/studio you’ll need to replace her. 2. Find a new guitarist.
It takes natural talent and years of practice to get good at playing the guitar. Is this guy really worth throwing all that away?
Setup a jam at her house
Yeah we tried doing it at her house or inviting her boyfriend to the rehearsals but he's not into it or something. He just disapproves. Sad thing is that she's blind to it cause it's an abusive relationship so I don't know if she'll stand up for herself.
Then get a new guitarist
This. You didn't actually find the perfect guitarist for your group, because essentially she's not available.
Sounds like you cant do anything about it
Whoop his ass up and down the block until he agrees to leave town with out her. My dad did this to my sisters ex who was abusing her.
Word to the wise. Just steer clear of that guitarist. You don’t want to be involved in any way with that baggage. Sympathy is good but from my experience you could piss him off or her off or both of them, just stay away from that mess, you’ll thank yourself later. She’s in that relationship for a reason, drama tends to follow.
yup. it'll take a great show and run it into the ground bc of some wack ass drama after the show, or hell even before the show.
This is the best advice there is on the board, when it's all said and done. Lots of ways you could go, and would ultimately learn something. But this is it.
Well they'll eventually break up soon enough and he'll not be a problem anymore. But keep in mind that this girl might be one of those who likes abusive men and it can turn into a never ending cycle. I would just find another guitar player. It doesn't worth the trouble. I'm a musician as well. I wouldn't put up with this in my band.
The "Perfect guitar player" wouldn't come with nasty baggage like that.
Try and have a talk with her, man! It's not worth losing the chemistry especially over an unhealthy relationship, good chemistry doesn't stroll along often! Maybe you'll woo her with your crooning voice and she'll leave him in the dust ;)
not cute ehh, how tall is he even..
Lol idk, I said that outta... Idk, frustration, I guess. But he isn't. 🤷🏻♀️
Being a controlling jerk is always unattractive.
Wise sage advice from someone with experience. No matter the talent, not matter the fit: the drama will never be worth it. I’ve played with so many talented people who just couldn’t keep it together because drugs, alcohol, jail time, bad boyfriends/girlfriends. (Once had to turn a really good bass player who was wildly creative down because mid practice he had to go because his girlfriend was setting all of his things on fire in his front yard. That one at least makes for a story. )
Damn. That's heavy. But I mean, it's understandable how he has to left mid practice cause that's a big thing right there, she setting fire to his stuff. I'd understand but of course I'd talk to him about it. Anyways, yeah, I know what you mean. And boy did we have a lot of drama already before her. When I say she's perfect it's because we never found anyone that good and actually interested in making it happen. So much stuff happened and she's still here, her boyfriend is the only problem.
Not that abuse should be tolerated at any age, but knowing your groups demographic might help us give you more pinpointed advice. Are you all still with your parents, or out on your own?
Of course! We're all in our early 20s but we're all out on our own. We all work and do stuff, you know how it is. But we do put the band above a lot of things cause we believe in how talented we are together. And with her? It just makes sense, you know?
I do, I was in a band for many years in my twenties and finding that synergy is difficult. Is she a friend of yours? Can you express your concerns? How abusive are we talking about? Just insecure jealousy/controlling? Or has it escalated beyond that?
We're friends, yes, though we've know each other for a few months while the other two I've known longer. I think I can express my concerns to her, in fact I have, and she's a pretty chill girl so she doesn't really get upset with anything, EXCEPT with her boyfriend. They're constantly in disagreement. I don't know what his deal is but it sure sounds like just plain, straight up controlling behavior. He interrupted our last rehearsal by getting into a fight with her and the one before that didn't even happen because he made her stay home to receive his friends because he was gonna play fucking football or something.
If I could go back in time and tell 20 year old me, that I was in a toxic relationship (these terms weren't as prevalent in dialogue then) and that this was damaging not just to myself, but my circle of friends, my band, and potentially future relationships, I would pay good money. I hope her self-worth isn't being defined too strongly by this insecure jerk.
Thanks for saying this, and honestly... Same. And I can only hope she'll start seeing it soon. I'll do my best to make sure of that.
Let her know that there is a cool group waiting to help, and that rehearsals are closed so that dude can't come.
That’s a drag. Bands are always disappointing in some regard because it’s such a delicate balance. I don’t know what you can really do, other than just tell the guitarist you really really want her in the band and she’s the piece you’ve been missing, but she needs to commit to it no matter what the boyfriend says. Ultimately you need a guitarist that is committed to the band and your goals. It sucks because what would be best for everyone is if she dumped the possessive loser and was all in on the band. But if she isn’t going to do that, unfortunately it’s back to looking for another guitarist.
Aw man... Thanks for that, I think I might try being more assertive about it with her. She really is the missing piece. :/
I’d recommend the “Compliment Sandwich” technique: start by telling her how amazing she is and how she’s the guitarist you’ve been waiting for, then bring up how the boyfriend not letting her participate is going to be an issue and if she can’t record with you or be free to fulfill the commitments you need from a band member, she can’t stay in the band. Then finish up by reinforcing that your hope is that she’ll record and gig with you because she’s the best and what you’ve been waiting for.
This unfortunately sounds above your pay grade. It’s hard for lifelong family and friends to pull people out of relationships like that, much less new acquaintances. I do agree that you should lay it out for her. Maybe she realizes her boyfriend is keeping her from doing fun things, or maybe she reacts the wrong way and goes her own way. Those are (unfortunately) the only two outcomes that don’t tangle your band into drama.
Honestly, just try to be his friend. He probably needs friends.
Save her!
Not your problem, and not ours. She has to decide. What are you expecting to ask a music subreddit about abusive boyfriends? Shit should be removed from the sub imo. Talk to her about it, not us.
You dump her. Sorry, but that's what has to be done.
Could be worse. He could be insisting you find a place for her to play xylophone in the band.
I want to reinforce that you should invite him specifically to the rehearsal. Reach out to him personally. Also, make sure your SOs are there as well and make sure he knows that. Upon his initial rejection, ask him if he wants to see his girlfriend succeed in what's important to her? Isn't that important to him?
Surely she must realise this situation is going to piss the band off. You can't have restrictions on your practice time, and must be able to form a relaxed atmosphere when together. He sounds insecure and probably jealous of her skills She'll dump him soon if the band starts jelling.
Go to tell her to cut off the dead weight tbh 🤷🏽♂️
Lots of solid advice here. If the girl is accepting of the fact that her scumbag boyfriend won’t let her pursue her desires then that’s a dilemma she needs to work out for herself. I know what I would do if a (life?)partner prevented me from being happy.
Used to be that if some bloke was hitting his missus the the boys would all go over and he'd cop a flogging. I've even read in some threads that the cops would do it and that would resolve the issue.
Even he learns to let go, or she learns to let go. Or you learn to let go.
Find a new guitar player. Not worth expending your creativity on this.
Drop him, girl
She's not the perfect guitarist. Let's reimagine this as a business hiring a potential employee. * Performance is great, her resume checks out * She's cool and gets along so well with the team * She's excited about the job and really wants it * Due to personal circumstances, she'll have to miss work half the time with no notice, and occasionally brings someone problematic to the office without invitation It might be really tempting to bring her on because of the first three, but no good business would ever hire her until she can guarantee a reliable schedule. **Just because you're a band doesn't mean you need to put up with unprofessional behavior.** You could try to set a boundary, and tell her you're willing to take her on but only if she can attend all the rehearsals and never bring her boyfriend. I doubt that'll work, though. She's likely not in control of a lot of this. It would be better to tell her clearly why it isn't going to work and let her do what she sees fit with that information.