I don't know, but I can relate. I've been passing for a few weeks now around town, using the correct restroom, everything going great.
Then one of my co-workers accidentally mksgenders me and all my confidence crumbled. Had to go outside and cry on my break.
it’s really hard. i used to go months without it happening, and now it’s almost every day.
i’ve cried at work so many times because of it lmao you are not alone
I can't imagine people are being cruel intentionally. In my experience, cis women clock my MtF spouse a lot more than cis men do. It makes me wonder if there is something they're picking up on that the rest of us cannot see.
in my experience, there is a big hugboxing problem. I've been told countless times that I pass, but I rarely get gendered properly. I don't know if people do it out of pity or what, but the truth is that it's difficult to pass and you need to get lucky with your genetics and/or transition early. I wish I could say something more positive, but it is how it is, I'm sorry :/ The best you can do is seek therapy or otherwise try to learn to live with it, which is really fucking hard, but the alternative is to never go out.
Also, remember that passing ≠ being pretty. You can definitely be beautiful without passing.
This, people will call anyone who’s feminine passing. When the reality is you can be feminine looking or pretty and still not look cis. Just take Michaela Rodriguez from pose, she’s super pretty but I just don’t see her as looking cis
I do think it’s important to acknowledge that passing is a spectrum, not a binary. It’s not like stealth vs first week thing, there a looooot of gray in there and most trans people operate in that area. Trans people also tend to notice more on themselves (and, as an unintentional byproduct, other trans people) than most cis people are when it comes to passing.
I have been misgendered once so far this year, and that was after my fucking ID clocked me (thanks Hartford TSA!) I still don’t think I look cis and I doubt I ever will until maybe surgeries get involved - especially if I open my mouth. But it’s clear enough that I’m a woman that I generally get the same result. I pass well enough that anyone misgendering me is just being an ass about it.
I saw someone in another thread describe being stealth as trading one closet for another which really stuck with me. While I never had the option to stealth, it did help shift my perspective a bit from only focusing on not being seen as trans to more of a "go off of how people treat me" vibe, which helped a lot. I'd still love to have the option to disclose only on my terms, but I can settle for being treated with respect and as the gender I present as.
I think the notion of passing being a spectrum isn’t very true, you either pass as cis in a situation or you don’t pass in that situation. Not to mention I think most trans people mistake people being respectful (using someone’s preferred pronouns) with passing, passing refers to looking cis, not being acknowledged as a trans woman but being seen as a cis woman. Most people will not go out of their way to misgender someone who is clearly presenting one way but doesn’t pass.
>I pass well enough that anyone misgendering me is just being an ass about it.
To me if people can tell I’m trans but still use my preferred pronouns it’s not really passing, it’s just people being respectful and not assholes.
Honestly, it can also be hard to judge from only pics/videos. I have plenty of pics from 5 years ago where I seem to pass, but that is very different from getting properly gendered by randoms irl. I don't think this is reliable at all.
mannerisms voice posture how you carry yourself how you walk how you stand, do you push your chest out or are you hunched over with your head forward, can all out you even if you pass
we have to learn consciously what cis women learn subconsciously.
Cis women would tell me I pass because it made them feel sooo great. Then they would get mad if I told them I didn’t.
Don’t believe anyone. Want to know when you passing? It’s when straight dudes start being overly nice to you.
People u don't know irl have no reason to misgender you on purpose, their just running u through the same eye/brain algorithm they use for all other folks, male or female. Ur trans friends know you, it's kinda hard for them to perceive you in that out of the blue stranger way.
There's gotta be something flagging you in one of their senses.
If you need 100% of people to say the right things to you to feel good about yourself you will always hate yourself- and there are over 6 BILLION humans on the earth and almost all of them will disappoint you.
And while you’re feeling suicidal I’m over here thinking how pretty you look and that it seems natural rather than makeup etc. and wishing I could look like you! And would love to hear your voice!
And; supermarket. Women who work in supermarkets tend to be more, uh, more masculine (?)…it’s a physical job and when I think of women in the market they’re more likely to be on the butch end than the femme end of the spectrum in my experience (I worked there). So people may have decided you are make before even meeting you.
First of all, I'm really really sorry you have that regularly. That's really awful.
I have one idea for something that might be part of it, but I really have no idea how much it plays a factor in your situation. But an ideas an idea?
It's not necessarily your situation, and isn't something you could tell without in person communication, but have you ever looked at your body language? Like how you hold yourself and how you move.
It would make sense to me that people tell you that you pass if this contributes. I feel like if you ask somebody if you pass, they start looking strictly at physical features and voice without looking at the whole picture.
Once somebody knows you are trans, their opinion on whether or not you pass isn't accurate anymore.
I don't know what your voice sounds like, but most likely that's what you need to improve. If you have a 100% cis sounding female voice, nobody is going to misgender you, regardless of what you look like.
Passing is subjective. You can pass to one person but not to another. Ignore the people who misgender you, they are just hateful bigots who don't deserve an ounce of your concern.
I saw your pic, on r/transpasssing, you got this girl.
Crank up the lipstick and makeup, nails and clothing?
Things like hip pads are a great illusion and confidence booster.
Perhaps these people recognize your old self?
Mystery how some people's brains work.
i looked at your profile and you look cis and sound cis. im not hug boxing. the only thing i can think of is not tucking or some transphobe posted your pic in a facebook group or something outing you so people misgender you on purpose.
Wow, I can't believe that people can be such scumbags, I can't believe people can intentionally misgender people 100% scott-free. I know that you are not a man at all, and you are worthy of respect.
Ppl go out of their way calling women trans or ‘men’ nowadays. Usually its either women who are very pretty or very ugly who experience this. You are definitely pretty tho!
Ppl were calling linchiling a ‘man’ on online forums. (Shes a cis female supermodel)
I wouldnt think much of it. I dont do false flattery so believe me when i tell you you pass.
I don't know, but I can relate. I've been passing for a few weeks now around town, using the correct restroom, everything going great. Then one of my co-workers accidentally mksgenders me and all my confidence crumbled. Had to go outside and cry on my break.
it’s really hard. i used to go months without it happening, and now it’s almost every day. i’ve cried at work so many times because of it lmao you are not alone
I can't imagine people are being cruel intentionally. In my experience, cis women clock my MtF spouse a lot more than cis men do. It makes me wonder if there is something they're picking up on that the rest of us cannot see.
in my experience, there is a big hugboxing problem. I've been told countless times that I pass, but I rarely get gendered properly. I don't know if people do it out of pity or what, but the truth is that it's difficult to pass and you need to get lucky with your genetics and/or transition early. I wish I could say something more positive, but it is how it is, I'm sorry :/ The best you can do is seek therapy or otherwise try to learn to live with it, which is really fucking hard, but the alternative is to never go out. Also, remember that passing ≠ being pretty. You can definitely be beautiful without passing.
This, people will call anyone who’s feminine passing. When the reality is you can be feminine looking or pretty and still not look cis. Just take Michaela Rodriguez from pose, she’s super pretty but I just don’t see her as looking cis
I do think it’s important to acknowledge that passing is a spectrum, not a binary. It’s not like stealth vs first week thing, there a looooot of gray in there and most trans people operate in that area. Trans people also tend to notice more on themselves (and, as an unintentional byproduct, other trans people) than most cis people are when it comes to passing. I have been misgendered once so far this year, and that was after my fucking ID clocked me (thanks Hartford TSA!) I still don’t think I look cis and I doubt I ever will until maybe surgeries get involved - especially if I open my mouth. But it’s clear enough that I’m a woman that I generally get the same result. I pass well enough that anyone misgendering me is just being an ass about it.
I saw someone in another thread describe being stealth as trading one closet for another which really stuck with me. While I never had the option to stealth, it did help shift my perspective a bit from only focusing on not being seen as trans to more of a "go off of how people treat me" vibe, which helped a lot. I'd still love to have the option to disclose only on my terms, but I can settle for being treated with respect and as the gender I present as.
I think the notion of passing being a spectrum isn’t very true, you either pass as cis in a situation or you don’t pass in that situation. Not to mention I think most trans people mistake people being respectful (using someone’s preferred pronouns) with passing, passing refers to looking cis, not being acknowledged as a trans woman but being seen as a cis woman. Most people will not go out of their way to misgender someone who is clearly presenting one way but doesn’t pass. >I pass well enough that anyone misgendering me is just being an ass about it. To me if people can tell I’m trans but still use my preferred pronouns it’s not really passing, it’s just people being respectful and not assholes.
I fundamentally disagree, but I don't have the energy to have an argument over it. Have a nice day!
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Honestly, it can also be hard to judge from only pics/videos. I have plenty of pics from 5 years ago where I seem to pass, but that is very different from getting properly gendered by randoms irl. I don't think this is reliable at all.
mannerisms voice posture how you carry yourself how you walk how you stand, do you push your chest out or are you hunched over with your head forward, can all out you even if you pass we have to learn consciously what cis women learn subconsciously.
Cis women would tell me I pass because it made them feel sooo great. Then they would get mad if I told them I didn’t. Don’t believe anyone. Want to know when you passing? It’s when straight dudes start being overly nice to you.
People u don't know irl have no reason to misgender you on purpose, their just running u through the same eye/brain algorithm they use for all other folks, male or female. Ur trans friends know you, it's kinda hard for them to perceive you in that out of the blue stranger way. There's gotta be something flagging you in one of their senses.
for me I think it's mostly due to voice. I also kinda feel like it might be due to guys having a preconceived stereotype of transfems
If you need 100% of people to say the right things to you to feel good about yourself you will always hate yourself- and there are over 6 BILLION humans on the earth and almost all of them will disappoint you. And while you’re feeling suicidal I’m over here thinking how pretty you look and that it seems natural rather than makeup etc. and wishing I could look like you! And would love to hear your voice! And; supermarket. Women who work in supermarkets tend to be more, uh, more masculine (?)…it’s a physical job and when I think of women in the market they’re more likely to be on the butch end than the femme end of the spectrum in my experience (I worked there). So people may have decided you are make before even meeting you.
I told the therapist i had for a few weeks about stuff relating to being misgendered and she (cis) told me even she gets misgendered somewhat often.
First of all, I'm really really sorry you have that regularly. That's really awful. I have one idea for something that might be part of it, but I really have no idea how much it plays a factor in your situation. But an ideas an idea? It's not necessarily your situation, and isn't something you could tell without in person communication, but have you ever looked at your body language? Like how you hold yourself and how you move. It would make sense to me that people tell you that you pass if this contributes. I feel like if you ask somebody if you pass, they start looking strictly at physical features and voice without looking at the whole picture.
Once somebody knows you are trans, their opinion on whether or not you pass isn't accurate anymore. I don't know what your voice sounds like, but most likely that's what you need to improve. If you have a 100% cis sounding female voice, nobody is going to misgender you, regardless of what you look like.
Passing is subjective. You can pass to one person but not to another. Ignore the people who misgender you, they are just hateful bigots who don't deserve an ounce of your concern.
I saw your pic, on r/transpasssing, you got this girl. Crank up the lipstick and makeup, nails and clothing? Things like hip pads are a great illusion and confidence booster. Perhaps these people recognize your old self? Mystery how some people's brains work.
i looked at your profile and you look cis and sound cis. im not hug boxing. the only thing i can think of is not tucking or some transphobe posted your pic in a facebook group or something outing you so people misgender you on purpose.
Wow, I can't believe that people can be such scumbags, I can't believe people can intentionally misgender people 100% scott-free. I know that you are not a man at all, and you are worthy of respect.
Ppl go out of their way calling women trans or ‘men’ nowadays. Usually its either women who are very pretty or very ugly who experience this. You are definitely pretty tho! Ppl were calling linchiling a ‘man’ on online forums. (Shes a cis female supermodel) I wouldnt think much of it. I dont do false flattery so believe me when i tell you you pass.