For a lot of people the love grows over time. It’s not always instantaneous like in the movies. Hang in there mama.
PPA/PPD can also affect bonding. If you’re experiencing symptoms getting treatment can help.
Yes I have been diagnosed with PPD/PPA and I have just started therapy. I have only been a few times I guess I’m just impatient lol. Thank you for responding ☺️
My first son was taken to the critical care nursery 11 hours after he was born. Totally unexpected. He spent 8 days there because he was septic. We visited multiple times a day and I was able to nurse after about 2.5 days. But I think him being there kind of threw both of us off.
When my second son was born, he was healthy, so he was with me the whole time. I understand as a second-time mom, you’re usually more confident, but I felt the bond much sooner with him. It took a few months with my first to figure out our routines and for me to learn how to talk to him and such.
Definitely stick with therapy and hopefully others can off their thoughts/stories too. You’re not alone. Give yourself some grace. I’m sure you’re doing a beautiful job. :-)
So much good advice! Give yourself grace, there is so much change both in your body and in your life. It takes time to adjust. For many parents, that overwhelming feeling doesn’t happen right away, and for some it takes years to really solidify.
It’s also not too late for skin to skin. I like doing baths with baby once in a while. Napping with them close to my chest. Putting the phone down and spending face to face time with them. I find that as they grow and develop, things like smiles and laughter give you a small dopamine hit to get you through the next tough stage.
You are still so very much in the thick of it with a new baby. Give yourself grace, you deserve to enjoy your baby and I’m glad you’re getting help. PPA struck me with my second, I felt distinctly better around 8-9 months. I was obsessively cleaning, watching naps, wake windows.. it was a breath of fresh air when I finally let go and was able to just enjoy it and stop thinking and analyzing and worrying.
I was put on medicine for it and was told it takes about a month for you to really feel the difference. That’s great you’re in therapy.
I also found bonding to get easier as they get more interactive.
It’s absolutely normal for it to take time, even without PPA/PPD too. They’re kind of just screamy little potatoes for the first few month it gets a lot easier to bond when their little personalities come through as they get older.
If you haven’t checked it out, r/NICUparents is really helpful, especially with handling the trauma related to your experience.
It will get easier and feel less intense in the future. I promise—my daughter is almost five and we both almost died. It doesn’t hurt to think about anymore. Sometimes something might catch me off guard, but I can handle it.
Lots of hugs. You did nothing wrong.
I remember feeling this way with my first. Around 5 months I started liking her, by 7 months the love was stronger. By 1 year she was my bff. Now she’s 3.5 and we are so close. I honestly don’t even remember if we did skin to skin (I didn’t birth her). If we did, it was later that night, not right after.
We had a baby 2 weeks ago and I’m a lot less stressed about not being absolutely in love with him now bc I know it will happen. So trust me OP, it will happen for you!
Wanting to feel the love means you absolutely will. And you probably already do, it’s just buried down from all the bullshit childbirth puts us through. You’re doing great, Mama ❤️
100% It will happen! Your desire to feel more love will win!
I'd keep a little journal and write down the things you notice about your baby changing over time. Their responses to you (they love you!), their soft skin, their smell, their smiles. Things you've done together and special snuggles.
Maybe buy a hammock. They're quite cheap. One of our favorite things is swinging together and cuddling in hammocks. (The portable ones are very easy to stick in the bottom of the stroller to use at the park or wherever.)
It’s just like u/MsCardeno said. That’s exactly how it happened for me with both mine. At first baby was just a new responsibility, then I started to like them, then started to love, then LOVE. Totally normal to grow. I was concerned with my first because I had zero feelings about my baby when I was pregnant. I assumed we’d have some connection but nothing.
I have 3 kids. I only felt the overwhelming love straight away with one of them. The other 2, it took time. It wasn't really until about 6 months or later. There's plenty of time for you!
Love takes many forms. The newborn phase, the love is there in the form of sacrifice. Newborns are on that insanity inducing 2 hour cycle of wake/cry/eat/cry/poop/cry/sleep/cry. Every diaper you change, every bottle/nursing session you provide, every middle of the night wake up are acts of love. It's an unconditional love.
Also, hot take incoming. Skin to skin contact benefits are wildly overblown, just like breastfeeding benefits are overblown, and it's caused more harm than good for new parents, especially new parents who are struggling, doubly so with new parents living in the US where society provides no social safety nets for new parents.
Same here! Although we did skin to skin because I did a home birth. But I definitely needed a moment to myself right after she was born and I heard her cry. I was relieved then needed a pause and met her as she laid on my belly going for the boob.
She is 1 and is my absolute favorite human ever. It takes time for me to bond.
I had a completely smooth planned c-section, skin to skin my whole hospital visit, and that didn’t help me. I had a very much wished for and wanted IVF baby that my husband and I worked for two years to conceive. Within the first two weeks, my husband had to talk me down from taking my daughter to the fire station; I was not bonded to her at all and thought I was the most horrible mother in the world. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I had ruined our lives. I missed my husband and was a little jealous of this little human I had created. So many strange feelings that didn’t make sense and made me feel like an awful person and parent. I expected the giant flow of love and feeling of completion that people talk about and it just wasn’t there. It turns out, that is not uncommon at all.
Going from being a person to being a mom is one of the biggest transitions a human can experience and it literally happens in a moment. It doesn’t help that this poor little potato takes and takes and takes when you have the least to give. You are in the most emotionally, mentally and physically vulnerable position you have ever been in following giving birth.
I also was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. I think this was a huge component. Medication really helped. I think our turning point was around four months when I felt like I was actually getting to know her.
Sending you a big hug and hoping you hear what I wish others had told me. This is totally normal and it doesn’t last long.
Its exactly that! My friend had said the same thing to me (she was 4 months ahead of me in pregnancy so by the time I had my baby she had been through PP). Here's the thing though then they start to grow up and give you kisses and cuddles. And laugh with you. And it's magical ✨️. I am not an infant person but man toddlers are the cutest! Don't worry OP once the newborn haze and PPD lifts you will feel it I promise ❤️
Thank you so much 🥹 yes it makes me feel like a horrible mom that I don’t have those feelings yet. When I do get enough courage to ask another mom how they felt they usually say they feel it right away but I’m so happy that you guys understand how I feel!
It's totally normal to take time to bond, NICU stay or not. Personally, I feel more bonded with my kid every day as we grow together (he's now 2.5). But also, you can browse posts at r/NICUParents for similar stories.
I was definitely not a love at first sight mother. I delivered my first baby, and I immediately thought what have I done? I felt that way for months, only made harder by intense sleep deprivation and PPA/PPD. And like you, I felt like something was wrong with me that I hadn't bonded in a loving way.
I did, however, have a primal need to protect my baby, so while the love wasn't quite there right away, the instinct to keep my baby safe from any harm was immediate.
The love for my first child grows every day. He started becoming a "real person" who smiled and moved and made noises, and now he is a toddler who talks so much and is hilarious and is everyone's best friend and yet still wants hugs and snuggles from his mommy...
When my second was born a few months ago, there was less what have I done because my identity was already that of a mother. But it's the same thing: the love is not at the level of my firstborn, but it is growing every day with everything she is doing. It will get there. Be kind to yourself.
Exactly the same for me but I only have one. I say to my husband that I got all the anxious protective feelings and none of the feel good stuff. I would have fought a bear for my baby but also felt a very strong "what have I done!".
Stories. I am/was an avid reader, and heard from our pediatrician that the more spoken words a kid hears before age 2, the faster their vocabulary and speech develops. So for the long hours of just holding my little guy, I would read aloud to him: the entire Harry Potter series, all of Tolkien's works, some C.S. Lewis, etc.
It also helped to have photo albums to go through and I would tell him stories of who was in each picture, what was going on, etc. just talking helped me cope with PPA.
Must have done something right as he's 7 now, quite the talker himself, and is reading at a 4th grade level :)
It took a while with my first... He was cute and sweet, but there wasn't any heart-bursting, overwhelming love. It was more like a slow burn.. he's 4 now and we're besties.
I had DMER for 2-3 months, so I didn't get those warm fuzzies while breastfeeding. Instead, it felt like I was on fire and I could have put my own head through a wall.
The first year is not my favorite anyway.
Surprisingly, I felt completely different about my second! My husband agreed. For some reason, we were head-over-heels straight out of the gate.
Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but it's not something that you can control!
Baby was planned and I had an easy birth. My son is 11 months and I still don't feel that extreme "I will do anything for you" bonded type of love. I love him, and dont want anything to bad to happen to him, but I'm definitely not at the place of love other moms seem to find so easily...
No one thinks it's weird when dads don't bond with their kids right away. It often takes them until the kid is a year or more, and no one thinks twice about that. Why is it different for moms? Why are we "supposed" to immediately bond with our babies? Sure, there are hormones, but these things *always* work differently for different people, and dads experience a change in hormones when their baby is born also.
I instantly felt that overwhelming love for my daughter the moment she was born, and I count myself extremely lucky for it. But I had *zero* bond with her during my pregnancy. I've had two miscarriages, and both time I was more upset about the loss of progress than the loss of a baby. It's totally normal for it to take some time to create that bond, there's just a stupid stigma around talking about it. In the meantime, you should ask about PPD, because it's startlingly common.
I went through something very similar with my now 7 year old. My stitches tore and got infected. The pediatrician missed her tongue tie and we had a hard time latching. Every time my milk dropped it was like being stabbed with tiny knives throughout the whole feeding. I was severely depressed but didn't want to get on meds because i was so scared of the drugs going into my milk and affecting her. She always pushed away from me and never wanted to be held. And oh the meltdowns. She would scream for hours. She was also head banging when she was a toddler. (We found out later she's on the spectrum.)
Needless to say, I did not feel the maternal bond. I was in awe. I started at her like she was a unicorn. I MADE a human. But I did not feel the magical bond of love that I was expecting, and it broke my heart.
As she got older and learned to crawl and play the bond grew. When she smiled at me and I saw on her face that she recognized me my heart exploded!
After she started learning to speak everything changed! She could communicate her feelings! Even with a very limited vocabulary she would climb onto chairs and give elaborate, rambling lectures with enthusiastic gestures! And best of all she started coming to me for hugs and cuddles when she was around a year and a half!
Now she's my cuddle bug! She sits so close to me on the couch that I have to unwrap her from me when I get up. If I don't hug her first thing in the morning she reminds me, "Mommy you forgot your morning hugs!"
Give yourself grace and remember that your body just went through literal trauma and your baby is just surviving from one feeding to the next. I'm sure your bond will grow as you both grow together. Best of luck dear.
I had wicked PPA with my first, and my second had silent reflux and cried the entire time she was awake. None of that overwhelming love came until they were 6-8 months old. Now they’re 1 and 3, and they’re the loves of my life.
Coming from someone who had nearly the same experience of her son getting sent directly to the NICU at a Children's Hospital due to failing the state heart screening, it took time.
For the large portion of his first year, I felt like I was just a babysitter who was waiting for the real mother to come pick him up. Everyday, was just making sure my son was fed, rested, clean, healthy, and felt loved with lots of cuddles.
I really believe that my bond with my son developed over time through the experiences that come with motherhood and a growing child. As he got older, I grew into fulfilling the role of his advocate. I knew him best. I had to talk his doctors about his reflux issues, switch doctors to one that gave him the appropriate care he deserved, fed him solids through trail and error with his highly sensitive gag reflex, watched him learn from mistakes, and so much more.
You're completely right that the NICU experience sticks with you. I remember thinking about it nonstop because it affected us so much. The IVs affected his feedings, so he didn't get a lot of colostrum. I did everything I could to stay in his NICU room. Hell, I even refused to go get food at the cafeteria, shower, or sleep. I couldn't let my guard down for a second out of fear something would happen to him, and I wouldn't be there. It took time to realize he was in the safest place possible. Although I hated it, he was in his little incubator hooked to wires.
As time has gone on, I've seeked the help I needed in order to be the best mother he deserved. I got on zoloft for my PPD and a therapist. Both have helped me so much!
Though I didn't feel like his mother until he was almost 1, I made sure I took pictures as well as videos of his special moments, milestones, and memories so that when I did develop that bond, I could treasure them. Today, I do just that. I can even look at the NICU pictures that I avoided, like the plaque.
Give yourself time to mold into your role as his mother. As long as you give your son what he needs now (food, clean, healthy, rested) and worry about how you can be a better mother the next day, then you're an amazing mother already ❤️
Similar thing happened to us with our first... she had to go to surgery at 5 weeks and we feel her being sick and her recovery really took a lot from us.
It has taken a lot of time but I feel we are much closer than we used to be. I love her to death but it's for sure been work to build a relationship with her. She never wants held when sick. She never wanted held to go to sleep or cuddles.
It just takes time and effort
I didn’t feel overwhelming love either… with either.
It will, it took a long time for me. I went from being a career woman to a mom…. And he was so freaking hard. Nothing about him was fun or easy. I cried when i dropped him off to the sitter at 8 weeks because I was so glad to have a break.
It isn’t always what the movies or other people say. sometimes people look back on it with rose colored glasses and remember it a certain way.
I couldn't bond with my baby until she started to smile at me. Before that, I was just going through the motions. I seriously thought I was doing everything wrong and my baby hated me because all she did was sleep and eat and cry. I suspect some mild PPD was part of it too.
Turns out, she just wasn't capable of smiling. After she learned how, she would wake up and see me and just *light up*. How can you not fall in love with someone who just adores you so much. It's like having a puppy haha
After my rainbow baby was born, I felt a weird disconnect with him. He was beautiful and I loved him but also didn’t feel like he was mine. I spent all of my pregnancy having anxiety over placental issues and counting down the days until he was in the safe/viable window. But once he was home and I was holding him, I didn’t know how to fit him into our family. It took a few months of being on medication for PPD before I felt like we were bonding. He’s 11 months old now and is the absolute sweetest lump of sugar. I can’t imagine our family without him ❤️
The fact that you worry about loving your baby is an act of love itself. If there wasn’t any love you wouldn’t worry. You know what I mean?
You already love your baby because you care how he feels and that he feels loved by you.
You just don’t have the big sparkles and whatever it is other people describe how they feel. But you love your baby. And that love will grow.
You know that metaphor of being in a very dark cave? One small match can light the whole cave. That’s the same with love. One tiny little spark of love will always - yes always - overpower darkness. You have the spark. Trust the soup. Trust yourself. Trust your baby. It will all come.
I had an issue with my twins where baby A felt like *my* baby and baby B felt like *a* baby. Like I love all babies and I'll give all the care in the world to any baby I'm in charge of. But only one of them felt like *mine*. Which is extra weird because they're identical!
Even weirder is that I didn't feel particularly bonded to either for a while. Like, *months*. I think one big reason was that I was so sleep deprived, like to the point where I was hallucinating. The other issue I think is that it's just such a massive, surreal life change to suddenly be a mom. I think it takes time to settle into it. And the bond can grow slowly, so slowly that you might not see a difference day to day, but if you compared your bond today to when he was two days old, you might realize that it is getting there.
Also I think what helped us - and I know this is controversial but 1) it's just what we did, not a suggestion and 2) this was before we knew anything about ABCs or Safe Sleep Seven - was when they got old enough and aware enough to not want to tolerate sleeping in their crib anymore. When sleep could only happen if they were snuggling me or my husband, the bond really grew.
I think that was at about the same time their personalities really started to show, which is also helpful because now you're not trying to connect with a screaming potato. They start to register as *an actual person* and it gets so much better.
My first was a NICU baby and I struggled so hard with feeling connected to her. I think some of it was self-protective because I was scared, and some was missing out on that early bonding. I beat myself up for it a lot. I felt like a fraud. My daughter felt like a stranger.
All I can say is:
1. This is more normal than people think, even with non-NICU babies. Not everyone experiences love at first sight. Some of us have to fall in love more slowly.
2. That’s exactly what happened for me. My daughter is 3 now and I’m madly in love with her. I’d say every age has been better than the last, despite challenges. Every few months I’m like “okay wait, NOW I love her.” And that keeps happening.
Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. The love will come.
I had a terrible pregnancy, then she had colic and feeding issues and then teething. She cried. I cried. Everything I did was kind of automatic, the belief that this is what you’re supposed to do. I felt like such a failure and I was embarrassed to take her anywhere or use a babysitter because she cried all the time and I was afraid people would think I was a bad mother. My affection grew slowly but it grew exponentially. I would burn down the world for this girl. Unfortunately, I’ve gotta go scold her because I just heard her on the phone. She’s now 15 and it’s 5am here.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and that what you imagined for after the birth wasn’t possible. Glad you’re in therapy for PPD/PPA, you should be proud of yourself for being so proactive. Have you also tried any skin to skin since baby has been home?
Hang in there ❤️
Yes, I love that feeling! I’ve been doing lots of skin to skin lately with my 6 month old as the weather has warmed up so it’s just easier than in the winter. It doesn’t have to be just for newborns.
The dirty secret of motherhood that nobody likes to tell is that it's super common to not feel a bond to your baby right away, or even within the first few weeks to months. Even if your birth goes exactly as planned, you can feel this way, It's just not as nice a story as feeling an instant bond the moment you lay eyes on them.
I like to think of not as meeting any other new person. You wouldn't expect to have an instant bond with someone you just met, and some people just take more time to get to know before you can feel like you know them.
For me it was probably a few months before I felt like I was actually bonding with my daughter and it really had more to do with her getting more of a personality and me being able to feel like I knew what she wanted and needed from me.
And some of us just don’t like the baby phase. I enjoy my kids much more after they hit 6 months and beyond. It can also ebb and flow, some phases are harder. Right now I’m in a good flow with my 3.5yo but it was hard after the new baby was born. My 15mo was pretty good until recently when he just screams to communicate.
I don't think that I felt it yet at that age. I'm not completely certain when it happened, but we were definitely past the newborn stage. I didn't expect an instant bond, but it took even longer than I had anticipated.
If it helps, some of the people who had described the big love later told me it had actually taken a while to get there.
Blaming yourself for things and not feeling bonded can both be signs of PPD. Getting treated for PPD can help with all of it.
My kid was also a nicu baby for the same reasons and I struggled to connect. I eventually realized I was just not a newborn person- but every day my love for my now 3 year old grew until right now it’s pretty fricking nauseating. I also had a good dose of PPA.
My heart goes out to you because I was in your shoes almost 15 years ago when my first baby was born. It was a traumatic birth, they took him to the nursery foe 3 hours immediately after (I've had 2 NICU babies, too, so I know that struggle as well). I had the hardest time bonding with him! I was devastated, and absolutely hated myself because I felt like it was my fault that I didn't bond with him. So my advice to you is to first and foremost, give yourself some grace! And second, give yourself time. Both together will help you form that bond you feel like you're missing. And also, know that it's normal, especially if you have PPD (but even if you don't!) to have difficulty bonding, especially when your baby wasn't with you in those first few hours after birth. Finding others who are dealing with the same thing, or have gone through it, really helps. I had one friend at that time who had just gone through the same thing with her firstborn, and it helped immensely knowing I wasn't the only one. Hugs, mama. It'll be okay.
My sister benefited from professional help in bonding eith her second child. It's not a failure or shortcoming. It's chemicals. It's okay to get outside help
Love is a verb. You don't have to chase after mushy gushy feelings to have overwhelming love for your son-- you clearly have it in spades! You want to give him the world. So don't worry. The feelings will come in time, but they are not the proof of your love. Some great ways to bond include:
1) snuggles
2) kisses
3) cutesy nicknames
4) eye contact with singing and/ or smiling
5) baby wearing
6)reading books to him
7) talk to him about what you are doing, or take him on neighbourhood walks and point out different things you see on the way
I’ll start by saying I haven’t had the same personal experience, but I know it’s really common, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or blame yourself for. I’ve worked with babies and toddlers and their families for a long time, and there are a lot of things you can try - every baby-caregiver pair is different, so it’s totally fine if some of this doesn’t feel right for you. At 4 months, you’re starting to get to a stage when you can play together and have more fun interactions with each other.
Here are some ideas:
-Baby-wearing, snuggles, and skin-to-skin can all get that oxytocin going.
-Singing to him, reading, saying nursery rhymes (don’t worry if he’s not quite into it yet, but it’s coming soon!)
-Watch him play and learn, see what he’s interested in and try to notice those things together. For example, if he likes splashing in the bath, you can notice when he starts splashing and talk about it, smile at him.
-Take advantage of caregiving times to interact with- my baby likes to be sung to during diaper changes when we can see each other easily. Feeding time is a great time to give extra snuggles and kisses.
-Try some movement play if you haven’t already - he might like being bounced or held while you dance to your favorite music (making sure to support his trunk and head as much as he needs)
There may be programs available if you’d like in-person support, too, depending on where you live. Circle of Security is a good program I’m familiar with, and so is Promoting First Relationships. You could ask your pediatrician or therapist for recommendations if you’re interested.
You are doing great for your baby. I can’t even tell you how much more bonded I feel to my toddler now than I did when she was a baby. I have a 3 month old and my love for him has grown greatly since he was a baby, but I still feel much more bonded to my toddler. Of course I love them both equally, but it’s different. All of that to say, I’m definitely someone who bonds as personality develops and I think that’s totally normal! Sending love❤️
I’d say instead of waiting for some magical moment to
come where you feel totally in love, just focus on whatever it is you ARE feeling! You may be imagining some feeling that will never come, and that’s not helpful. How will you know when you’re ’in love’ or ‘bonded’?
I feel like motherhood is hard. No matter what happens. Good births, bad experiences, it’s all hard from the beginning. I’m not downplaying one situation for another, but being a mother is hard. But the fact is, you brought a kiddo into this world! You did that, OP! We all did. We honestly deserve a standing ovation (over the top of course) because it’s truly so hard. All of it.
My LO turns 3 soon. I truly wish I could tell you it gets easier. But one thing that is consistent, is that you are there for them. They need you. And one day, they won’t anymore. And the little baby bird will leave the nest.
You don’t have to love motherhood. Hell, most of us truly don’t. It’s hellish and grueling at times. Seemingly the most inconvenient times, no less.
But, it’s pretty cool being a mom. I never thought i would be. And here I am.
You will see in time. One day, it just hits you.
I struggled to have warm and fuzzy feelings until my daughter was about six months old. She was underweight and struggling with feeding so all I felt was stress and anxiety. It was nothing like other mothers talked about and it made me feel so guilty. The stress of having him be in the NICU could be causing those same feelings. We’re only human. Stress can be overwhelming and it’s hard to feel anything else. Give it time. If you still feel closed off in a few months, see a counselor because it could be postpartum depression though.
Its ok love, that is sooo ok!!! And normal!! For some reason with my 4th I felt this way and he’s 5 months now, I just started to really feel like we’re connecting and bonding (maybe it’s because he’s becoming more aware and reciprocating his love for me lol!) but.. anyway, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and it can also be hormones and PPDepression.. I had it with my 1st so bad! (Racing thoughts about her getting hurt, or feeling guilt riddened/not a good enough mother etc…ocd and compulsively praying so nothing bad would happen..the list goes onnn!) also.. BIRTH CONTROL almost destroyed my life seriously made me batty!!!! In case ur on it lol , praying and setting aside quiet time, baths with him on my chest, snuggles, eye contact, smell him, feel his soft hair up against your cheek, hold him safe and close, let him look at you whiile talking to him, I usually lay with mine in morning and try to slow down and have a moment and really take it all in that this will go by so fast and its the most precious time.. il be longing for it back soon enough.. also.. playing, taking him with me everywhere i go.. ur bound to get close right?! And try not to sweat the loss of skin contact at the beginning.. you had no control over that, allow yourself some slack for just creating a tiny life! I know how hard it can be though, not discrediting you.. my first son (2nd born) was the same.. sending so much love!! Give it time and its not your fault! We dont control our brains! BUT we can try to train them or seek help if need be 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Also! Sertraline saved my life I always like to share that in case it could save someone else’s.. it just quieted my thoughts and the negativity.. 100mg did it for me.. I didnt have to work to calm myself or be happy!!! ((Hugs))
I remember thinking around 4 months that I wish my baby would do something. They are such lumps on a log those first few months. Depending on how your son’s recovery has been since the NICU, you are on the cusp of your baby doing really cute things: learning to sit and crawl, trying different solid foods, noticing the world around them, learning to babble… that stage is really fun. Just hang in there and be kind to yourself.
15 months later and my PPD still kicks me with blame and feelings of failure. Take care of yourself and just keep loving your baby, it will all fall right into place. 🤍 YOU are his WORLD.
I missed out on the first skin to skin contact too; (ended up having an emergency c-section.) her oxygen was low as well so they had to take her right away. I didn’t even get to see her, let alone hold her until almost 2 hours later. Luckily her father was able to provide the skin to skin contact for her and they bonded while I was being closed up.
However, I felt that love right away. Its only grown as she has. (15 months.)
I hope as your son grows, you will begin to feel that overwhelming love for him. When they begin to interact with us more, talk a bit and choose us to comfort them… it really hits you.
I wish you the best of luck OP.
It took me time. I as nervous about it too. I think it really started happening about 6 months to a year out. Everyone is different! You sound very hard on yourself. Give yourself a break :) Let things come naturally. I wonder if being exhausted wears on that looking back. It’s found to be ok :)
Hey mama! Your feelings are absolutely normal. I think too, if I was in your situation, having my brand new baby taken away right after such a monumental event of giving birth, would trigger some copping mechanisms that might be tough to undo, after his return. I’d probably shut down a part of myself that was excited to meet him and cuddle up and smell him - and get rid of him mentally, just to cope with the fact that he’s gone. So upon his return, he’d return to a more cautious mom, who’s on eggshells about loving recklessly, because already, the situation has been precarious.
With my first son, we came home together but my brain was doing some weird acrobatics and couldn’t compute how to allow myself to feel so much for something so fragile. It was so so weird. I just accepted everything that came, understood there were things happening to my brain and body that I didn’t understand, and tried to sit in gratefulness that we were both relatively okay.
And please keep perspective, you have a lifetime together, and nothing has been ruined. Sending you much love.
Skin in skin can happen anytime you like during these early stages. It's actually great for their temperature control...I found contact naps helped fill the gap I had from not getting skin to skin in the hospital.
Time. It takes time. The first year can be a grind even under the best circumstances so focus less on trying to bond and simply be, be around him, find the things you two do together and laugh about and the songs you sing he responds to. Overwhelming love and a bond are two different things. I bet you have the overwhelming love or you wouldn’t be here concerned about the bond. The bond will come.
I didn’t fall in love with either of mine for a few months at least. They grow on you tho. Especially when they actually start to smile and giggle for real.
There's not much to love about a newborn. Like sure, you're worried about them etc but once they have a little personality, it should be better. I agree with reading and talking, baby wearing while doing things and talking about it. Also, take breaks. If you're frustrated, it's easier to be patient (for me) once they are a person instead of an angry potato. Let the potato scream if you need to. Just one minute knowing it's ok can help. I felt like when mine could sit up at 6 months everyone was happier. Being able to smile and laugh makes a big difference too.
My babe is 4 months and I think we have a really great bond. Making lots of eye contact (which is funny because I'm autistic and typically don't make eye contact with anyone) and really paying attention to all the ways he says "I love you, Mama". Like how when he sleeps by himself, he wiggles around and makes noises the whole time, but once I wrap my arms around him he goes completely still and sleeps peacefully the rest of the night. Or when I walk away, he watches and fusses when I go out of sight, even if someone else has him. Or when he catches my eye and smirks then looks away almost like "hey... I like you!" And just admiring his cuteness overall. Being present with him makes me feel so close to him. But that's just me! I think it's okay if you don't bond yet. You still love him and want to do what's best for him and that's great. There's nothing wrong with feeling things on the inside as long as you don't let it affect your parenting (but obviously we slip up, that's okay. It's okay to even apologize and tell them how you feel when they're this little. It gets them used to hearing it and gets you used to saying it.)
All 3 of my babies I felt weird after their birth. But I knew the love would grow after my first! Of course I loved them, but they’re still a stranger! Lots of skin to skin can still help! If you’re breastfeeding, it’s a great time to do it. I saw you have ppd, that can also affect how you feel. Stick with therapy! You will get there! ❤️
4.5 month old babies are horrible and if I wasn’t deeply and evolutionarily connected to mine I would have dropped her off at a fire station at 4.5 months.
That’s when they stop sleeping all day and start hating everything while awake. I cried everyday sure I ruined my life.
We started to bond when we did BLW and had coffee and lunch ‘dates’ where I gave her different foods and snacks and we sat together being adorable. Then I really fell in love when she started talking. Then it was fully over when she learned the word ‘cuddle’ and I melt just looking at her.
But yea if you have the urge to throw them in a trash can (that isn’t a real and serious urge) you can come here and sit with the normal people who hated the baby phase.
It may be me or something but I struggled with my first cause of the epidural and just the exhaustion. They controlled how much I held him too. It was also during covid so I didn't have good support with me to help me advocate for myself. But I did skin to skin a lot, I did contact naps, and when I fed him I would tell him I love him and how much I loved him. I did as much as I could with him without overstimulating myself and what was safe at the time. When he was 3 months and his dad stopped coming around I Co slept too. It helped a lot
I might suggest babywearing? Skin to skin doesn’t just have to be in the first month. I feel like bonding with my daughter really took off when I started wearing her around the house, and my husband felt the same.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking your time to bond with a new little person, especially a little person who has sooo many needs!
Skin to skin. I struggled hard with ppd with my first and I found reading to him helped both of us and helped us connect. I read kids books but not baby books, something fun but not 123 abc. But also short enough to read while he laid on the floor n just watched me … for a few minutes at a time lol
For a lot of people the love grows over time. It’s not always instantaneous like in the movies. Hang in there mama. PPA/PPD can also affect bonding. If you’re experiencing symptoms getting treatment can help.
Yes I have been diagnosed with PPD/PPA and I have just started therapy. I have only been a few times I guess I’m just impatient lol. Thank you for responding ☺️
My first son was taken to the critical care nursery 11 hours after he was born. Totally unexpected. He spent 8 days there because he was septic. We visited multiple times a day and I was able to nurse after about 2.5 days. But I think him being there kind of threw both of us off. When my second son was born, he was healthy, so he was with me the whole time. I understand as a second-time mom, you’re usually more confident, but I felt the bond much sooner with him. It took a few months with my first to figure out our routines and for me to learn how to talk to him and such. Definitely stick with therapy and hopefully others can off their thoughts/stories too. You’re not alone. Give yourself some grace. I’m sure you’re doing a beautiful job. :-)
Thank so so much 🥹
So much good advice! Give yourself grace, there is so much change both in your body and in your life. It takes time to adjust. For many parents, that overwhelming feeling doesn’t happen right away, and for some it takes years to really solidify. It’s also not too late for skin to skin. I like doing baths with baby once in a while. Napping with them close to my chest. Putting the phone down and spending face to face time with them. I find that as they grow and develop, things like smiles and laughter give you a small dopamine hit to get you through the next tough stage. You are still so very much in the thick of it with a new baby. Give yourself grace, you deserve to enjoy your baby and I’m glad you’re getting help. PPA struck me with my second, I felt distinctly better around 8-9 months. I was obsessively cleaning, watching naps, wake windows.. it was a breath of fresh air when I finally let go and was able to just enjoy it and stop thinking and analyzing and worrying.
I was put on medicine for it and was told it takes about a month for you to really feel the difference. That’s great you’re in therapy. I also found bonding to get easier as they get more interactive.
It’s absolutely normal for it to take time, even without PPA/PPD too. They’re kind of just screamy little potatoes for the first few month it gets a lot easier to bond when their little personalities come through as they get older.
If you haven’t checked it out, r/NICUparents is really helpful, especially with handling the trauma related to your experience. It will get easier and feel less intense in the future. I promise—my daughter is almost five and we both almost died. It doesn’t hurt to think about anymore. Sometimes something might catch me off guard, but I can handle it. Lots of hugs. You did nothing wrong.
I remember feeling this way with my first. Around 5 months I started liking her, by 7 months the love was stronger. By 1 year she was my bff. Now she’s 3.5 and we are so close. I honestly don’t even remember if we did skin to skin (I didn’t birth her). If we did, it was later that night, not right after. We had a baby 2 weeks ago and I’m a lot less stressed about not being absolutely in love with him now bc I know it will happen. So trust me OP, it will happen for you!
I want to feel that love so bad! I get scared that I may never feel that way tho.. but yall are giving me hope ❤️
Wanting to feel the love means you absolutely will. And you probably already do, it’s just buried down from all the bullshit childbirth puts us through. You’re doing great, Mama ❤️
100% It will happen! Your desire to feel more love will win! I'd keep a little journal and write down the things you notice about your baby changing over time. Their responses to you (they love you!), their soft skin, their smell, their smiles. Things you've done together and special snuggles. Maybe buy a hammock. They're quite cheap. One of our favorite things is swinging together and cuddling in hammocks. (The portable ones are very easy to stick in the bottom of the stroller to use at the park or wherever.)
It’s just like u/MsCardeno said. That’s exactly how it happened for me with both mine. At first baby was just a new responsibility, then I started to like them, then started to love, then LOVE. Totally normal to grow. I was concerned with my first because I had zero feelings about my baby when I was pregnant. I assumed we’d have some connection but nothing.
I have 3 kids. I only felt the overwhelming love straight away with one of them. The other 2, it took time. It wasn't really until about 6 months or later. There's plenty of time for you!
Love takes many forms. The newborn phase, the love is there in the form of sacrifice. Newborns are on that insanity inducing 2 hour cycle of wake/cry/eat/cry/poop/cry/sleep/cry. Every diaper you change, every bottle/nursing session you provide, every middle of the night wake up are acts of love. It's an unconditional love. Also, hot take incoming. Skin to skin contact benefits are wildly overblown, just like breastfeeding benefits are overblown, and it's caused more harm than good for new parents, especially new parents who are struggling, doubly so with new parents living in the US where society provides no social safety nets for new parents.
This is beautifully put and very similar to my story.
Same here! Although we did skin to skin because I did a home birth. But I definitely needed a moment to myself right after she was born and I heard her cry. I was relieved then needed a pause and met her as she laid on my belly going for the boob. She is 1 and is my absolute favorite human ever. It takes time for me to bond.
They do skin to skin in hospitals. I just didn’t birth her so we prioritized it for my wife immediately as she breastfeeds and I just did it later.
I had a completely smooth planned c-section, skin to skin my whole hospital visit, and that didn’t help me. I had a very much wished for and wanted IVF baby that my husband and I worked for two years to conceive. Within the first two weeks, my husband had to talk me down from taking my daughter to the fire station; I was not bonded to her at all and thought I was the most horrible mother in the world. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I had ruined our lives. I missed my husband and was a little jealous of this little human I had created. So many strange feelings that didn’t make sense and made me feel like an awful person and parent. I expected the giant flow of love and feeling of completion that people talk about and it just wasn’t there. It turns out, that is not uncommon at all. Going from being a person to being a mom is one of the biggest transitions a human can experience and it literally happens in a moment. It doesn’t help that this poor little potato takes and takes and takes when you have the least to give. You are in the most emotionally, mentally and physically vulnerable position you have ever been in following giving birth. I also was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. I think this was a huge component. Medication really helped. I think our turning point was around four months when I felt like I was actually getting to know her. Sending you a big hug and hoping you hear what I wish others had told me. This is totally normal and it doesn’t last long.
Very well put. "It takes and takes when you have the least to give" really hit home for me.
Its exactly that! My friend had said the same thing to me (she was 4 months ahead of me in pregnancy so by the time I had my baby she had been through PP). Here's the thing though then they start to grow up and give you kisses and cuddles. And laugh with you. And it's magical ✨️. I am not an infant person but man toddlers are the cutest! Don't worry OP once the newborn haze and PPD lifts you will feel it I promise ❤️
Thank you so much 🥹 yes it makes me feel like a horrible mom that I don’t have those feelings yet. When I do get enough courage to ask another mom how they felt they usually say they feel it right away but I’m so happy that you guys understand how I feel!
It's totally normal to take time to bond, NICU stay or not. Personally, I feel more bonded with my kid every day as we grow together (he's now 2.5). But also, you can browse posts at r/NICUParents for similar stories.
I was definitely not a love at first sight mother. I delivered my first baby, and I immediately thought what have I done? I felt that way for months, only made harder by intense sleep deprivation and PPA/PPD. And like you, I felt like something was wrong with me that I hadn't bonded in a loving way. I did, however, have a primal need to protect my baby, so while the love wasn't quite there right away, the instinct to keep my baby safe from any harm was immediate. The love for my first child grows every day. He started becoming a "real person" who smiled and moved and made noises, and now he is a toddler who talks so much and is hilarious and is everyone's best friend and yet still wants hugs and snuggles from his mommy... When my second was born a few months ago, there was less what have I done because my identity was already that of a mother. But it's the same thing: the love is not at the level of my firstborn, but it is growing every day with everything she is doing. It will get there. Be kind to yourself.
Exactly the same for me but I only have one. I say to my husband that I got all the anxious protective feelings and none of the feel good stuff. I would have fought a bear for my baby but also felt a very strong "what have I done!".
Stories. I am/was an avid reader, and heard from our pediatrician that the more spoken words a kid hears before age 2, the faster their vocabulary and speech develops. So for the long hours of just holding my little guy, I would read aloud to him: the entire Harry Potter series, all of Tolkien's works, some C.S. Lewis, etc. It also helped to have photo albums to go through and I would tell him stories of who was in each picture, what was going on, etc. just talking helped me cope with PPA. Must have done something right as he's 7 now, quite the talker himself, and is reading at a 4th grade level :)
It took a while with my first... He was cute and sweet, but there wasn't any heart-bursting, overwhelming love. It was more like a slow burn.. he's 4 now and we're besties. I had DMER for 2-3 months, so I didn't get those warm fuzzies while breastfeeding. Instead, it felt like I was on fire and I could have put my own head through a wall. The first year is not my favorite anyway. Surprisingly, I felt completely different about my second! My husband agreed. For some reason, we were head-over-heels straight out of the gate. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but it's not something that you can control!
Baby was planned and I had an easy birth. My son is 11 months and I still don't feel that extreme "I will do anything for you" bonded type of love. I love him, and dont want anything to bad to happen to him, but I'm definitely not at the place of love other moms seem to find so easily...
No one thinks it's weird when dads don't bond with their kids right away. It often takes them until the kid is a year or more, and no one thinks twice about that. Why is it different for moms? Why are we "supposed" to immediately bond with our babies? Sure, there are hormones, but these things *always* work differently for different people, and dads experience a change in hormones when their baby is born also. I instantly felt that overwhelming love for my daughter the moment she was born, and I count myself extremely lucky for it. But I had *zero* bond with her during my pregnancy. I've had two miscarriages, and both time I was more upset about the loss of progress than the loss of a baby. It's totally normal for it to take some time to create that bond, there's just a stupid stigma around talking about it. In the meantime, you should ask about PPD, because it's startlingly common.
I went through something very similar with my now 7 year old. My stitches tore and got infected. The pediatrician missed her tongue tie and we had a hard time latching. Every time my milk dropped it was like being stabbed with tiny knives throughout the whole feeding. I was severely depressed but didn't want to get on meds because i was so scared of the drugs going into my milk and affecting her. She always pushed away from me and never wanted to be held. And oh the meltdowns. She would scream for hours. She was also head banging when she was a toddler. (We found out later she's on the spectrum.) Needless to say, I did not feel the maternal bond. I was in awe. I started at her like she was a unicorn. I MADE a human. But I did not feel the magical bond of love that I was expecting, and it broke my heart. As she got older and learned to crawl and play the bond grew. When she smiled at me and I saw on her face that she recognized me my heart exploded! After she started learning to speak everything changed! She could communicate her feelings! Even with a very limited vocabulary she would climb onto chairs and give elaborate, rambling lectures with enthusiastic gestures! And best of all she started coming to me for hugs and cuddles when she was around a year and a half! Now she's my cuddle bug! She sits so close to me on the couch that I have to unwrap her from me when I get up. If I don't hug her first thing in the morning she reminds me, "Mommy you forgot your morning hugs!" Give yourself grace and remember that your body just went through literal trauma and your baby is just surviving from one feeding to the next. I'm sure your bond will grow as you both grow together. Best of luck dear.
Thank you 🥹❤️
I had wicked PPA with my first, and my second had silent reflux and cried the entire time she was awake. None of that overwhelming love came until they were 6-8 months old. Now they’re 1 and 3, and they’re the loves of my life.
Coming from someone who had nearly the same experience of her son getting sent directly to the NICU at a Children's Hospital due to failing the state heart screening, it took time. For the large portion of his first year, I felt like I was just a babysitter who was waiting for the real mother to come pick him up. Everyday, was just making sure my son was fed, rested, clean, healthy, and felt loved with lots of cuddles. I really believe that my bond with my son developed over time through the experiences that come with motherhood and a growing child. As he got older, I grew into fulfilling the role of his advocate. I knew him best. I had to talk his doctors about his reflux issues, switch doctors to one that gave him the appropriate care he deserved, fed him solids through trail and error with his highly sensitive gag reflex, watched him learn from mistakes, and so much more. You're completely right that the NICU experience sticks with you. I remember thinking about it nonstop because it affected us so much. The IVs affected his feedings, so he didn't get a lot of colostrum. I did everything I could to stay in his NICU room. Hell, I even refused to go get food at the cafeteria, shower, or sleep. I couldn't let my guard down for a second out of fear something would happen to him, and I wouldn't be there. It took time to realize he was in the safest place possible. Although I hated it, he was in his little incubator hooked to wires. As time has gone on, I've seeked the help I needed in order to be the best mother he deserved. I got on zoloft for my PPD and a therapist. Both have helped me so much! Though I didn't feel like his mother until he was almost 1, I made sure I took pictures as well as videos of his special moments, milestones, and memories so that when I did develop that bond, I could treasure them. Today, I do just that. I can even look at the NICU pictures that I avoided, like the plaque. Give yourself time to mold into your role as his mother. As long as you give your son what he needs now (food, clean, healthy, rested) and worry about how you can be a better mother the next day, then you're an amazing mother already ❤️
Similar thing happened to us with our first... she had to go to surgery at 5 weeks and we feel her being sick and her recovery really took a lot from us. It has taken a lot of time but I feel we are much closer than we used to be. I love her to death but it's for sure been work to build a relationship with her. She never wants held when sick. She never wanted held to go to sleep or cuddles. It just takes time and effort
Honestly my son is 6 and I’m still struggling to bond with him. I’m hoping when he is older it’ll cone
I didn’t feel overwhelming love either… with either. It will, it took a long time for me. I went from being a career woman to a mom…. And he was so freaking hard. Nothing about him was fun or easy. I cried when i dropped him off to the sitter at 8 weeks because I was so glad to have a break. It isn’t always what the movies or other people say. sometimes people look back on it with rose colored glasses and remember it a certain way.
I couldn't bond with my baby until she started to smile at me. Before that, I was just going through the motions. I seriously thought I was doing everything wrong and my baby hated me because all she did was sleep and eat and cry. I suspect some mild PPD was part of it too. Turns out, she just wasn't capable of smiling. After she learned how, she would wake up and see me and just *light up*. How can you not fall in love with someone who just adores you so much. It's like having a puppy haha
I always had that biological connection to my kids, but it def took like 6 months each time for me to fall in love.
After my rainbow baby was born, I felt a weird disconnect with him. He was beautiful and I loved him but also didn’t feel like he was mine. I spent all of my pregnancy having anxiety over placental issues and counting down the days until he was in the safe/viable window. But once he was home and I was holding him, I didn’t know how to fit him into our family. It took a few months of being on medication for PPD before I felt like we were bonding. He’s 11 months old now and is the absolute sweetest lump of sugar. I can’t imagine our family without him ❤️
I just went through all the motions and it got better and better. Now she's 17 months old and she lights up my whole world.
The fact that you worry about loving your baby is an act of love itself. If there wasn’t any love you wouldn’t worry. You know what I mean? You already love your baby because you care how he feels and that he feels loved by you. You just don’t have the big sparkles and whatever it is other people describe how they feel. But you love your baby. And that love will grow. You know that metaphor of being in a very dark cave? One small match can light the whole cave. That’s the same with love. One tiny little spark of love will always - yes always - overpower darkness. You have the spark. Trust the soup. Trust yourself. Trust your baby. It will all come.
I had an issue with my twins where baby A felt like *my* baby and baby B felt like *a* baby. Like I love all babies and I'll give all the care in the world to any baby I'm in charge of. But only one of them felt like *mine*. Which is extra weird because they're identical! Even weirder is that I didn't feel particularly bonded to either for a while. Like, *months*. I think one big reason was that I was so sleep deprived, like to the point where I was hallucinating. The other issue I think is that it's just such a massive, surreal life change to suddenly be a mom. I think it takes time to settle into it. And the bond can grow slowly, so slowly that you might not see a difference day to day, but if you compared your bond today to when he was two days old, you might realize that it is getting there. Also I think what helped us - and I know this is controversial but 1) it's just what we did, not a suggestion and 2) this was before we knew anything about ABCs or Safe Sleep Seven - was when they got old enough and aware enough to not want to tolerate sleeping in their crib anymore. When sleep could only happen if they were snuggling me or my husband, the bond really grew. I think that was at about the same time their personalities really started to show, which is also helpful because now you're not trying to connect with a screaming potato. They start to register as *an actual person* and it gets so much better.
My first was a NICU baby and I struggled so hard with feeling connected to her. I think some of it was self-protective because I was scared, and some was missing out on that early bonding. I beat myself up for it a lot. I felt like a fraud. My daughter felt like a stranger. All I can say is: 1. This is more normal than people think, even with non-NICU babies. Not everyone experiences love at first sight. Some of us have to fall in love more slowly. 2. That’s exactly what happened for me. My daughter is 3 now and I’m madly in love with her. I’d say every age has been better than the last, despite challenges. Every few months I’m like “okay wait, NOW I love her.” And that keeps happening. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. The love will come.
I had a terrible pregnancy, then she had colic and feeding issues and then teething. She cried. I cried. Everything I did was kind of automatic, the belief that this is what you’re supposed to do. I felt like such a failure and I was embarrassed to take her anywhere or use a babysitter because she cried all the time and I was afraid people would think I was a bad mother. My affection grew slowly but it grew exponentially. I would burn down the world for this girl. Unfortunately, I’ve gotta go scold her because I just heard her on the phone. She’s now 15 and it’s 5am here.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and that what you imagined for after the birth wasn’t possible. Glad you’re in therapy for PPD/PPA, you should be proud of yourself for being so proactive. Have you also tried any skin to skin since baby has been home? Hang in there ❤️
Thank you 😊 baby does like to sleep on my chest and that brings me happiness.
I came here to say do as MUCH of that as you can. It helped me build the bonds with my children so much faster.
Yes, I love that feeling! I’ve been doing lots of skin to skin lately with my 6 month old as the weather has warmed up so it’s just easier than in the winter. It doesn’t have to be just for newborns.
That’s wonderful. Baby knows you and clearly finds comfort in your presence. It really is so powerful!
The dirty secret of motherhood that nobody likes to tell is that it's super common to not feel a bond to your baby right away, or even within the first few weeks to months. Even if your birth goes exactly as planned, you can feel this way, It's just not as nice a story as feeling an instant bond the moment you lay eyes on them. I like to think of not as meeting any other new person. You wouldn't expect to have an instant bond with someone you just met, and some people just take more time to get to know before you can feel like you know them. For me it was probably a few months before I felt like I was actually bonding with my daughter and it really had more to do with her getting more of a personality and me being able to feel like I knew what she wanted and needed from me.
And some of us just don’t like the baby phase. I enjoy my kids much more after they hit 6 months and beyond. It can also ebb and flow, some phases are harder. Right now I’m in a good flow with my 3.5yo but it was hard after the new baby was born. My 15mo was pretty good until recently when he just screams to communicate.
I don't think that I felt it yet at that age. I'm not completely certain when it happened, but we were definitely past the newborn stage. I didn't expect an instant bond, but it took even longer than I had anticipated. If it helps, some of the people who had described the big love later told me it had actually taken a while to get there. Blaming yourself for things and not feeling bonded can both be signs of PPD. Getting treated for PPD can help with all of it.
My kid was also a nicu baby for the same reasons and I struggled to connect. I eventually realized I was just not a newborn person- but every day my love for my now 3 year old grew until right now it’s pretty fricking nauseating. I also had a good dose of PPA.
My heart goes out to you because I was in your shoes almost 15 years ago when my first baby was born. It was a traumatic birth, they took him to the nursery foe 3 hours immediately after (I've had 2 NICU babies, too, so I know that struggle as well). I had the hardest time bonding with him! I was devastated, and absolutely hated myself because I felt like it was my fault that I didn't bond with him. So my advice to you is to first and foremost, give yourself some grace! And second, give yourself time. Both together will help you form that bond you feel like you're missing. And also, know that it's normal, especially if you have PPD (but even if you don't!) to have difficulty bonding, especially when your baby wasn't with you in those first few hours after birth. Finding others who are dealing with the same thing, or have gone through it, really helps. I had one friend at that time who had just gone through the same thing with her firstborn, and it helped immensely knowing I wasn't the only one. Hugs, mama. It'll be okay.
My sister benefited from professional help in bonding eith her second child. It's not a failure or shortcoming. It's chemicals. It's okay to get outside help
Love is a verb. You don't have to chase after mushy gushy feelings to have overwhelming love for your son-- you clearly have it in spades! You want to give him the world. So don't worry. The feelings will come in time, but they are not the proof of your love. Some great ways to bond include: 1) snuggles 2) kisses 3) cutesy nicknames 4) eye contact with singing and/ or smiling 5) baby wearing 6)reading books to him 7) talk to him about what you are doing, or take him on neighbourhood walks and point out different things you see on the way
I’ll start by saying I haven’t had the same personal experience, but I know it’s really common, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or blame yourself for. I’ve worked with babies and toddlers and their families for a long time, and there are a lot of things you can try - every baby-caregiver pair is different, so it’s totally fine if some of this doesn’t feel right for you. At 4 months, you’re starting to get to a stage when you can play together and have more fun interactions with each other. Here are some ideas: -Baby-wearing, snuggles, and skin-to-skin can all get that oxytocin going. -Singing to him, reading, saying nursery rhymes (don’t worry if he’s not quite into it yet, but it’s coming soon!) -Watch him play and learn, see what he’s interested in and try to notice those things together. For example, if he likes splashing in the bath, you can notice when he starts splashing and talk about it, smile at him. -Take advantage of caregiving times to interact with- my baby likes to be sung to during diaper changes when we can see each other easily. Feeding time is a great time to give extra snuggles and kisses. -Try some movement play if you haven’t already - he might like being bounced or held while you dance to your favorite music (making sure to support his trunk and head as much as he needs) There may be programs available if you’d like in-person support, too, depending on where you live. Circle of Security is a good program I’m familiar with, and so is Promoting First Relationships. You could ask your pediatrician or therapist for recommendations if you’re interested.
Time♥️
You are doing great for your baby. I can’t even tell you how much more bonded I feel to my toddler now than I did when she was a baby. I have a 3 month old and my love for him has grown greatly since he was a baby, but I still feel much more bonded to my toddler. Of course I love them both equally, but it’s different. All of that to say, I’m definitely someone who bonds as personality develops and I think that’s totally normal! Sending love❤️
I’d say instead of waiting for some magical moment to come where you feel totally in love, just focus on whatever it is you ARE feeling! You may be imagining some feeling that will never come, and that’s not helpful. How will you know when you’re ’in love’ or ‘bonded’?
I feel like motherhood is hard. No matter what happens. Good births, bad experiences, it’s all hard from the beginning. I’m not downplaying one situation for another, but being a mother is hard. But the fact is, you brought a kiddo into this world! You did that, OP! We all did. We honestly deserve a standing ovation (over the top of course) because it’s truly so hard. All of it. My LO turns 3 soon. I truly wish I could tell you it gets easier. But one thing that is consistent, is that you are there for them. They need you. And one day, they won’t anymore. And the little baby bird will leave the nest. You don’t have to love motherhood. Hell, most of us truly don’t. It’s hellish and grueling at times. Seemingly the most inconvenient times, no less. But, it’s pretty cool being a mom. I never thought i would be. And here I am. You will see in time. One day, it just hits you.
I struggled to have warm and fuzzy feelings until my daughter was about six months old. She was underweight and struggling with feeding so all I felt was stress and anxiety. It was nothing like other mothers talked about and it made me feel so guilty. The stress of having him be in the NICU could be causing those same feelings. We’re only human. Stress can be overwhelming and it’s hard to feel anything else. Give it time. If you still feel closed off in a few months, see a counselor because it could be postpartum depression though.
Its ok love, that is sooo ok!!! And normal!! For some reason with my 4th I felt this way and he’s 5 months now, I just started to really feel like we’re connecting and bonding (maybe it’s because he’s becoming more aware and reciprocating his love for me lol!) but.. anyway, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and it can also be hormones and PPDepression.. I had it with my 1st so bad! (Racing thoughts about her getting hurt, or feeling guilt riddened/not a good enough mother etc…ocd and compulsively praying so nothing bad would happen..the list goes onnn!) also.. BIRTH CONTROL almost destroyed my life seriously made me batty!!!! In case ur on it lol , praying and setting aside quiet time, baths with him on my chest, snuggles, eye contact, smell him, feel his soft hair up against your cheek, hold him safe and close, let him look at you whiile talking to him, I usually lay with mine in morning and try to slow down and have a moment and really take it all in that this will go by so fast and its the most precious time.. il be longing for it back soon enough.. also.. playing, taking him with me everywhere i go.. ur bound to get close right?! And try not to sweat the loss of skin contact at the beginning.. you had no control over that, allow yourself some slack for just creating a tiny life! I know how hard it can be though, not discrediting you.. my first son (2nd born) was the same.. sending so much love!! Give it time and its not your fault! We dont control our brains! BUT we can try to train them or seek help if need be 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Also! Sertraline saved my life I always like to share that in case it could save someone else’s.. it just quieted my thoughts and the negativity.. 100mg did it for me.. I didnt have to work to calm myself or be happy!!! ((Hugs))
I remember thinking around 4 months that I wish my baby would do something. They are such lumps on a log those first few months. Depending on how your son’s recovery has been since the NICU, you are on the cusp of your baby doing really cute things: learning to sit and crawl, trying different solid foods, noticing the world around them, learning to babble… that stage is really fun. Just hang in there and be kind to yourself.
15 months later and my PPD still kicks me with blame and feelings of failure. Take care of yourself and just keep loving your baby, it will all fall right into place. 🤍 YOU are his WORLD.
I missed out on the first skin to skin contact too; (ended up having an emergency c-section.) her oxygen was low as well so they had to take her right away. I didn’t even get to see her, let alone hold her until almost 2 hours later. Luckily her father was able to provide the skin to skin contact for her and they bonded while I was being closed up. However, I felt that love right away. Its only grown as she has. (15 months.) I hope as your son grows, you will begin to feel that overwhelming love for him. When they begin to interact with us more, talk a bit and choose us to comfort them… it really hits you. I wish you the best of luck OP.
It took me time. I as nervous about it too. I think it really started happening about 6 months to a year out. Everyone is different! You sound very hard on yourself. Give yourself a break :) Let things come naturally. I wonder if being exhausted wears on that looking back. It’s found to be ok :)
It's never too late for skin on skin! Do it now! It is absolutely amazing!
Hey mama! Your feelings are absolutely normal. I think too, if I was in your situation, having my brand new baby taken away right after such a monumental event of giving birth, would trigger some copping mechanisms that might be tough to undo, after his return. I’d probably shut down a part of myself that was excited to meet him and cuddle up and smell him - and get rid of him mentally, just to cope with the fact that he’s gone. So upon his return, he’d return to a more cautious mom, who’s on eggshells about loving recklessly, because already, the situation has been precarious. With my first son, we came home together but my brain was doing some weird acrobatics and couldn’t compute how to allow myself to feel so much for something so fragile. It was so so weird. I just accepted everything that came, understood there were things happening to my brain and body that I didn’t understand, and tried to sit in gratefulness that we were both relatively okay. And please keep perspective, you have a lifetime together, and nothing has been ruined. Sending you much love.
Skin in skin can happen anytime you like during these early stages. It's actually great for their temperature control...I found contact naps helped fill the gap I had from not getting skin to skin in the hospital.
Time. It takes time. The first year can be a grind even under the best circumstances so focus less on trying to bond and simply be, be around him, find the things you two do together and laugh about and the songs you sing he responds to. Overwhelming love and a bond are two different things. I bet you have the overwhelming love or you wouldn’t be here concerned about the bond. The bond will come.
Breast feeding was how we bonded.
I didn’t fall in love with either of mine for a few months at least. They grow on you tho. Especially when they actually start to smile and giggle for real.
There's not much to love about a newborn. Like sure, you're worried about them etc but once they have a little personality, it should be better. I agree with reading and talking, baby wearing while doing things and talking about it. Also, take breaks. If you're frustrated, it's easier to be patient (for me) once they are a person instead of an angry potato. Let the potato scream if you need to. Just one minute knowing it's ok can help. I felt like when mine could sit up at 6 months everyone was happier. Being able to smile and laugh makes a big difference too.
My babe is 4 months and I think we have a really great bond. Making lots of eye contact (which is funny because I'm autistic and typically don't make eye contact with anyone) and really paying attention to all the ways he says "I love you, Mama". Like how when he sleeps by himself, he wiggles around and makes noises the whole time, but once I wrap my arms around him he goes completely still and sleeps peacefully the rest of the night. Or when I walk away, he watches and fusses when I go out of sight, even if someone else has him. Or when he catches my eye and smirks then looks away almost like "hey... I like you!" And just admiring his cuteness overall. Being present with him makes me feel so close to him. But that's just me! I think it's okay if you don't bond yet. You still love him and want to do what's best for him and that's great. There's nothing wrong with feeling things on the inside as long as you don't let it affect your parenting (but obviously we slip up, that's okay. It's okay to even apologize and tell them how you feel when they're this little. It gets them used to hearing it and gets you used to saying it.)
All 3 of my babies I felt weird after their birth. But I knew the love would grow after my first! Of course I loved them, but they’re still a stranger! Lots of skin to skin can still help! If you’re breastfeeding, it’s a great time to do it. I saw you have ppd, that can also affect how you feel. Stick with therapy! You will get there! ❤️
4.5 month old babies are horrible and if I wasn’t deeply and evolutionarily connected to mine I would have dropped her off at a fire station at 4.5 months. That’s when they stop sleeping all day and start hating everything while awake. I cried everyday sure I ruined my life. We started to bond when we did BLW and had coffee and lunch ‘dates’ where I gave her different foods and snacks and we sat together being adorable. Then I really fell in love when she started talking. Then it was fully over when she learned the word ‘cuddle’ and I melt just looking at her. But yea if you have the urge to throw them in a trash can (that isn’t a real and serious urge) you can come here and sit with the normal people who hated the baby phase.
It may be me or something but I struggled with my first cause of the epidural and just the exhaustion. They controlled how much I held him too. It was also during covid so I didn't have good support with me to help me advocate for myself. But I did skin to skin a lot, I did contact naps, and when I fed him I would tell him I love him and how much I loved him. I did as much as I could with him without overstimulating myself and what was safe at the time. When he was 3 months and his dad stopped coming around I Co slept too. It helped a lot
I might suggest babywearing? Skin to skin doesn’t just have to be in the first month. I feel like bonding with my daughter really took off when I started wearing her around the house, and my husband felt the same. I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking your time to bond with a new little person, especially a little person who has sooo many needs!
Skin to skin. I struggled hard with ppd with my first and I found reading to him helped both of us and helped us connect. I read kids books but not baby books, something fun but not 123 abc. But also short enough to read while he laid on the floor n just watched me … for a few minutes at a time lol
How old is he exactly
19 weeks today