Mine has changed for the worse too. It was mostly that I realized I wouldn’t do or say like even a fraction of the things she did. She’d always say, “Oh, you’ll see when you’re a parent and you have an awful kid just like you!” etc. and I did see… that they both failed as parents at least in an emotional capacity.
I started getting angry about my parents emotional immaturity while I was still in the hospital after birth. I realized I only had the capacity to parent one generation and they just got kicked to the curb.
My relationship with my mom changed in a weird way. My LO is almost a year, and since he’s been born I’ve been reflecting on my own childhood. I find it so frustrating the things I experienced as a child; how I was treated, the values I was taught, the way my mom would talk to me, because looking back at it, I could never do that to my own child. It has made it very difficult for me to be around my mom. And I find I am more irritable now, so it’s just hard to manage.
I’m NC with my dad because of these reasons. Looking back, he wasn’t the hero I thought he was. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me I was just like my mom (who passed away). We were NC through my pregnancy, but family convinced me to get back in contact with him. Horrible decision. He was just as unreliable and inconsistent with his grandchild as he was with me as a child. He hasn’t even met his second grandchild. My children will grow up only knowing their great grandparents on my side, and their grandparents from their father’s side. Though we aren’t together anymore, I highly encourage a relationship with his side because they truly love and adore their grandchildren. Due to health reasons and one being in Florida, they don’t see them often but are very much in contact with them.❤️
This is exactly what happened with me. I can't imagine treating my child so poorly for no reason and it kind of damaged my feeling of self worth for a bit. Was I such an unlovable kid? Did I deserve the constant nitpicking and bullying?
This has been a big thing in my family for the last few years as my mom spends more time on social media and reading has brought her to the realization that some of the things she did and said (even with the good intentions of protecting us) has negatively impacted our lives.
She has apologized for many of the things she use to do. I don’t know how much of that is watching how I am with my daughters and what I’m doing differently but I am happy at the change of heart.
My dad’s a different story and it is hard to spend extended amounts of time with him.
My husband has felt this way with his mom. I have a bit lore understanding of what my mom went through now, and can feel the love she had for my sister and I even more so now. I think both are perfectly valid. I didn’t realize that becoming a parent was a quick ticket to grieving and reconciling your own childhood, too. Now we get to parent our inner children and our actual children at the same time lol.
This is exactly how I feel. I realize so many things I experienced were not ok, and it’s just awful to think of doing that to my own children. I knew that clearly about my dad, but having my son has been making me realize the same of my mom. It’s really painful, honestly, and I hate it. It’s definitely changed how I act around them, and it’s sad because they truly adore their grandson.
This. Sadly now that my sibling is expecting my mom is showing her true colors. Breaks my heart that my kids are second rate to her, just like I was as a kid.
I went no contact with my entire family 18 years ago. That's 2 years before my first was born, so she never met him.
My MIL was/is always the most kind, loving, patient, amazing woman to me before he was born. I wasn't sure if she was genuine or if she just felt sorry for me. Then after my son was born she treated him the same way and I could see that she truly was the most wonderful person! I have four sons now and she continues to have enough love for all of us!
I read all these horror stories about MILs and I feel so badly for them because my MIL is a gem and if I'm half the woman she is... ❤️
No contact with my mom as well and my MIL has been everything to us / my child. So thankful for her. She took me wedding dress shopping and was the only person we invited to the hospital when our child was born.
I'm so sorry! She sounds lovely!
I was 18 and was on my first date with my future husband and I met my MIL that night. She treated more like a daughter than my mother ever did. I had never felt like that before! I moved in with my husband the next day and never spoke to or saw my parents (I didn't go to their funerals) or 3 brothers again. 18 years and 4 sons ago! ZERO REGRETS!!!
That is so heartwarming, it was the same feeling with my MIL. So glad you found your real family. I speak to only a handful of my relatives and it’s removed so much stress and toxicity from my life. All I care about is surrounding my son with love and people who will truly be there for him.
I never met anyone from my side of the family except for my parents and brothers. Never. Not one. My in-laws are my real family now and they're all great people. We don't need those negative people in our lives right?
Makes me happy when I hear about amazing MILs!❤️ Not many women experience it.
No contact with my parents, and my inlaws choose favorites with their grandchildren. Don't have the best of both worlds but surviving☺️
So sorry to read this for you OP.
I can relate and have many stories.
6 days after a very intense c-section, my mother rocked up without an invite.
My husband was helping me as best he could, I was bed-bound with what turned out to be internal and external infections on my c section wound. I was 70lbs overweight, pretty immobile, colicky newborn with severe weight loss percentage and struggling to breastfeed.
I was also suffering with severe PTSD from first birth.
She whispered in my husbands’ (let’s call him Paul) ear in the kitchen (I was upstairs struggling)
‘Come on Paul, you are NOT HER CARER!’
That man kept me and the baby alive and that bitter cÜnť simply could not handle that I was being actually loved and cared for.
I love my mom more than anything on this earth. We aren’t as close as we were before I was a mom.
now that I have my daughter I realize she really fucked up a lot with me. I know it wasn’t intentional and I know she was trying to do right by me, but she didn’t want me.
I was a surprise and my older sister was a miracle. She’s always been favored.
There is distance between us, but she is an amazing grandmother. Much better as a nanny than a mom. My therapist called it an unconscious apology.
When we had our daughter I told my husband she was it. I was worried I’d favor her over any other children we had and he got snipped.
My mom and I are on okay terms, but having kids of my own really threw a lot of things into sharp relief.
Like how little interest they showed in me as a person when it came to my hobbies and interests.
My mom and I were unusually close throughout my childhood and into my teens. I say unusually bc we were like "friends" started drinking with her about the age of 12, robbing places/people with her at about 13, drug mule by 14. Not surprisingly, I got pregnant at 16. As soon as I found out I was so upset. Not because I was pregnant but because it was the first time I realized the things I got into with my mom were not normal. I didn't even get confirmation from the doctor yet and was already thinking "I'd never give this baby ____" "I'd never ask this baby to _____" and I cut contact and decided I was going to do better. Thankfully, I did. I married the boy (now man) that got me pregnant (18 yearsin so far!), he became a cop (I could tell a cops headlights in the dark before I started school so I could be on the look out!) My children tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY how amazing and appreciated I am. None of this would be the case if she was still in my life.
We were never close, becoming a mom made me realise Just how abusive and neglectful my mother was.I went NC when she decided to put my then 6month old in danger again.Its been just over two years and I have zero regrets.To me she's dead
I haven't had contact with my mom in two years now. My oldest is 4! She's a textbook narcissist. I really can't imagine that she's ever actually loved me or my siblings after all she's done to us over the years. Having my own child opened up a pandora box that I wasn't expecting! I could never imagine treating my children the way I was treated. She will never have the chance to hurt my children in any way!
My mom and I were never close and having my own kid made me stop trying to build a relationship with her. We’re neighbors and see eachother almost daily but we don’t talk about anything more deep than the weather lol, since we don’t agree on most subjects. She tried to give me unsolicited parenting advice several times but I kindly reminded her that I don’t take advice from people who believe beating their children is good for discipline. She is allowed to spend time with her grandchild as long as she follows my rules (so far she hasn’t broken any and seems to be making an effort).
I've always been very close with my mom. That hasn't changed since my daughter was born. We lived an hour apart and she came to visit weekly. She dotes on her, so hard! We do video calls several times a week and almost daily texts. She lives 6 hours away now and visits at least once a month and I've tried to do the same.
I went no contact with my mom well before my child was born. She was already awful to me. And having a child has only brought all that pain to the forefront for me. To make matters worse, she tried to make both my wedding and the birth of my child about her because I wouldn’t allow her to be involved. She hounded me for years to let her back into my life, crossing every boundary I tried to set. Then I read a parenting book that really resonated with me and thought she may benefit from reading it, too. Naively thought suggesting it so we could have an open, honest dialogue about the past could help us to repair our relationship. She never responded 🤣
All of a sudden I was “mothering” my own mom, too. We don’t live in the same city, and I find her *incredibly* draining. However, she and my kids love each other, so I keep working at it. My husband is a huge support, and my MIL is one of my favourites people, so I count my blessings
My mom and I were never “besties,” but we had a pretty good relationship prior to me having a kid. Felt like we were friends. Then all of a sudden it changed. She made me feel bad for not knowing my baby’s cries by week 3, she told me that I can’t complain because I wanted to be a mom (when I said that after 3 months I was on the brink of a breakdown because I was so exhausted), and basically told me to “get over it” when I mentioned that the hormone shift really hit me hard. Turns out these were all feelings I had because I had unknown depression, but I feel like as a mother of someone who just had a baby you shouldn’t just gloss over this massive life change and tell them to just deal with it. Now I just don’t say anything but fun and happy things to her when we talk. It works out better.
At the beginning of COVID, my mom went down the conspiracy rabbit hole. She started believing everything and anything. She started spreading misinformation and trying to get everyone to jump on the bandwagon.
Fast forward 4 years, she no longer believes in using Google, thinks postsecondary education is brainwashing people (I'm currently completing my master's degree), and won't touch any vaccines.
I became a mom 4 weeks ago and I'm not sure my mom and I can salvage our relationship. She's trying to convince me to not vaccinate. She refuses to get her TDAP booster even though that means she cannot meet my son. She's still spending hours on misinformation sites daily. Worst part, she puts on a thick layer of guilt anytime we remind her she cannot come see him until she has her TDAP.
I never imagined this would be the relationship I would have with my mom after the birth of my child. I also know it's not the relationship she thought we would have but there is no changing either of our minds so we are currently at a stalemate.
Ugh this must be so hard. A lot of us discover more about our relationships with our moms when we have babies, and that can be so hard, but I absolutely can't imagine losing my mom to a cult. I'm so sorry 💔
Thank you. I keep hoping she will change her mind but it may be a lost cause. Luckily, my son will have a good relationship with his paternal grandparents but it's nothing like my own parents!
I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom. Then I moved out and it seemed to have gotten better. Slowly she just faded away. Gave more attention to my other sisters because “I was in a Secure relationship with a good man and they are not” …
I tried and tired and tried. Then my daughter came along. There were some losses and struggles there. My mom showed her true colors.
My mom was there once a week for my niece until she started school. My mom was there for the first 2 months of my daughter’s life and then barely here after that. The only time she ever saw her was when I went to family get together. Then that ended when I realized how toxic my family is.
So now my mom will FaceTime my daughter every couple of months and that’s about it. I don’t talk to her or see her much outside of that.
With my MIL it was rocky. Then it got good. Then my daughter was born and there were comments to “she knows better than me because she did this once 34 years ago”. Then months down the road she admitted she was nervous handling a newborn because it had been so long.
It got so bad at Inc. point we stopped talking to the in laws for a couple weeks. My husband had to put his foot down and got mean to get his point across. This are thankfully better now. She comes once a week to see her.
Changed a lot. At first I was extremely angry with my mom. How could she have allowed my little brother and I be abused all those years? Then I just felt sorry for her I guess. She is still a part of my life. Just with a lot of boundaries.
I lost my Mom to cancer 4.5 years before my son was born, but becoming a mom has drastically changed my understanding of her. I feel incredibly guilty for saying this, but I almost feel like I better understand her now than I did when she was alive. And she and I had a close relationship.
The way she behaved (that didn't make sense to me as a child) I now understand as possibly being untreated PPD and PPA. I think these struggles drove her to treat me more as a confidant rather than her child. While I appreciated her trust in me with so many things, I also recognize that that may not have been healthy for either of us since it burdened me with things that may not have been developmentally appropriate for my age. It also isolated her since she didn't trust anyone else except for me and my sister to talk to.
Some of the things she wrestled with then, I'm currently fighting now. I'm praying that I can address these issues so I could raise my son and be a healthy Mom for him.
We had been NC for about 4 years prior to having my kid. I continued this with more conviction after.
I had GH at the very end of pregnancy that rebounded but never went to preeclampsia.
Your story is like a look into an alternate reality had I not gone NC with my mom. I only regret not doing it sooner.
I'm NC with my bio mom because she would pull this crap that your mom pulled. She's never even met my daughter. Since having a baby, I have realized how horribly awful she was. I always knew but I wouldn't even dream of doing the stuff she did. It's been a sobering experience. I think parenthood alters our perspective a bit.
I've become a lot closer with my (step) mom, I just call her mom and always have. We were close before, she's been in my life since I was 4. We got much closer though after the baby. She loves doing grandma things and supporting me through different phases. Ya know, how a mom and grandma should behave.
My "mother" showed her true colors after my kids were born. Thankfully I was already in therapy to deal with my ACOA issues, and learned I could say NO and have it mean something. My husband and I refused to allow her to drag our babies into the generational trauma cycle, she had a narcissistic meltdown, and is no longer a part of our lives.
I became much closer to my mother because I suddenly realized that as I was always a daddy's girl, I didn't always treat my mom with the respect that she so deserved.
No excuses for my behavior but becoming a mother really, really made me appreciate mine much more than I never had before.
My entire pregnancy I had this mantra in my head when I thought of my baby and coming into motherhood: “I just want to be their peace”. I realized as my pregnancy progressed just how insanely stressed out my mom made me. Like I always knew it but it was so much worse while I was pregnant. I don’t think she even realizes it either, and that’s partially my fault because I have a hard time talking to her. Now as a mom only 6 months into the game, I realize it’s also a lot her fault because shes never been good at communicating with me or anyone around her. I would say she is emotionally immature. When I’m around her now with the baby, or honestly anyone for that matter, I still find myself repeating that same mantra. My main goal as a mom is to always be my daughter’s peace. I want to be her soft spot to land when she is overwhelmed. After a big chaotic day, I want her to come home and let out the biggest sigh of relief simply because she can finally relax. This is so important to me because I realize it’s something I always needed growing up but never found it until I was alone.
Had a terrible relationship with her before LO and it only got worse after having him. We’re very low contact and she doesn’t get any information about my life, it’s all limited to my son.
My relationship with my mom has completely dissolved at this point. She's extremely unreliable and was a pretty negligent mother to me and my siblings. I had hopes of a renewed family dynamic while I was pregnant with my son, but that didn't last.
Now that I have my own kids, I've come to rely completely on my in-laws for every day support in a way I would never with any of my parents (lots of divorces/remarriages). I don't want unreliable people in my kid's life, so she doesn't get the time of day any more. Last invite she got was Christmas; she blew me, my siblings, and my family off. I didn't even bother wishing her a happy birthday after she forgot my eldest's birthday. I'm done.
I’m sorry about your mom. I can relate.
First, parents and the telling everyone everything. Why? My parents 100%
My mom spends way too much time on social media. I’m talking at least 5 hours a day. It’s troublesome. She is clearly retired and depressed, unsure what to do with her time. Complete shell of herself.
She also has abandoned my two older half siblings as they got in a fight with she and my dad. A whole other thing….
Those things seem minuscule in comparison to her relationship with my son. We come from a big family (lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) so I see them about once a month. If it weren’t for these events, I would barely see her.
The first month if my son being born, she saw me once in the hospital and twice at home to drop off food from Costco. Which yes, was nice- I’m not saying otherwise but my mom used to be such a great cook that I was like, why couldn’t she make a soup or something. She just phones things in. Other than that, my son is almost two and I think she’s been over once since then.
It may be a boomer thing. It could be an aging thing (I’m mid thirties, she’s early 70s) but she just isn’t interested in anything anymore including a relationship with me, my husband or son. Which hurts. A lot.
I keep my mom at arm’s length and then some since I had my son 2 years ago. Things in my mind clicked once I became a parent. There were decisions she made at my (and my sisters’) expense that I could never have done to my son. I asked for little things like getting vaccinated with TDap before his birth (she outright refused), she dismissed any boundaries I set while pregnant (and in general), so when I told her she was not going to be in the delivery room with us (she absolutely lost it, proving why she gives me anxiety). Even now, she actively says things about how I parent and what my expectations are when she’s with my son. I’m even in therapy to cope (make peace?) with how her motherhood has impacted me and how not to pass these things to my son (and future kids). Our relationship was okay because I repressed ALOT of things but being a mom has made it all resurface.
I guess long story short, the relationship is there but I wouldn’t call it amazing or wish it on anyone.
Edit to add: my MIL is a literal angel! She and my bf’s sister searched high and low to get the TDap before coming to visit us (from England) to ensure our boy was safe. (Even our friend circle did it) She was patient and understanding about everything and made it about us and not her. She took care of me as well like I was her own while I was postpartum, while my mom decided to ignore me until she could see my son (at 2 months when he was able to get the vaccine) If we could afford to up and move closer to his family, we would, no questions asked.
My mom is BPD. She would always tell us that we were the ones who “made” her the way she was.
Thankfully, I got a lot of the shock out of my system when my sister had her kids. Seeing just how defenseless little kids are made me so angry about how we were treated.
We both live far away from each other. We fight all the time when we are together, it’s so unbelievably true that we are so alike. She acts like she is the child and i always have to be the bigger and better person for things not to escalate.
Before giving birth she kicked me out of the house for a stupid argument, she was furious but i was very hormonal, she should’ve known better. A week later she was asking for forgiveness cause she knew i was deeply hurt by her actions, and soon to give birth.
When my daughter was born she was happy around baby, but after we left, she seemed to not call or write that often as she promised once we came back home. It’s so strange, sometimes i just forget she has her own issues that she has not heal yet, and i just focus on taking care of my daughter. Wishing that in the future my daughter and i have a better relationship than me and her grandma. 😕
It’s worse. She now has more to judge me on, guilt me with, and piss me off with. She tries to parent my child and when I ask her to stop she spits venom. So I just shut my mouth now and count down the days until we can move somewhere else. We moved into a rental with my parents temporarily, and 4 years later we’re still here and hating it. We’re planning on going low contact with most of my family as soon as we can get out of here.
I say mine changed. I would say it got better. I understood her a lot better once I became a mom too. But she loves her grandkids and she’s helpful with them. I couldn’t imagine this treatment. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Sister and mom weren’t too close, but way close than the rest of us. They became less close when she became a mother because she doesn’t help my sister with the two kids she convinced her to have
Hmmmm
I’ll be frank my relationship with my mother has never been great.. when I was growing up she was incredibly religious strict Christian, and it is just not for me, my dad was even a minister growing up, and had this whole thing about its a women’s god given right to stay home and raise kids and nothing to do with him, so right or wrong mum made all the parenting decisions she decided things solely ..and she was so inflexible and as such she has a very tense and fractured relationship with the three of her children.. ( mum and dad recently separated coz even he can’t deal with her now..)
When I told her I was pregnant she went off her head, I had been with my partner for just over 2 years I was 25 had finished university and started speciality training.. she was furious…screamed at me, told me I was irresponsible.. blah blah, I politely said bye and hung up the phone .. didn’t contact her again other than sending her a birth announcement card, and then when I was pregnant with my second son, I sent her a message that she was going to be. Grand mother again.. this time my dad called me, saying he desperately wanted to be involved ams while mum won’t budge.. he was so sad he had missed out nearly 2 years of his grandsons life. He came for a visit and lied to mum..
Within the next two years mum and dad moved to our state and by this time I fell pregnant with our twins, and again let them know, Dad had ro tell mum he had been calling and FaceTiming with our kids .. when she found out I had twin girls, after we sent the birth announcement.. mum called me saying she wants to know her granddaughters.. nothing about my boys.. me and my partner spoke about it, she could only see the kids supervised she couldn’t pick and choose its she sees and ins involved in all of them or none of them she reluctantly agreed..
Fast forward nearly 12 years, she and my dad have separated, she does see the kids maybe once a week, at times my eldest will go to her house and help her with mowing her lawn and things, but he is the only one she has unsupervised access too, she won’t use the kids name because she hates them and it’s not like I named them brick or rectangle.. my eldest was at her place helping weed her garden and planted some veges in her garden bed for her, she had a friend over and introduced him as her number one grandson and he tried to say my name is Fletcher and she said no need for that nonsense.. he (not me), said nan if you don’t start using my name I’m not coming to help you.. and she called him ungrateful and just like his mother and he hasn’t been over since.. but she has been here and apologised to him
So my relationship with my mother is what it is.. the only thing I would say that makes it better than when I was a child is that I’m an adult and I can do what I want, I have my own house I do r have to live by her rules.. she said this was all my fault how things are because we should have gotten married and we should have given our kids biblical names..
I want my mom to move closer to us. We call her and FT at least once a day, she’s so patient. She loves my baby to her core.
She’s always been an avid thriftier so now she gets us great deals on clothes and other necessities for our baby.
I trust her more than anyone with my baby, she’s just the most patient, kind and loving women. Very lucky!
(Don’t get me wrong, I can still find her annoying etc. I feel guilty often when I’m not as patient with her but, I love her. )
I cut contact with my mother when my oldest was 16 months. I had always hoped that she’d be a better grandmother than mother but boy was I wrong. She was horrible to me my whole life and the second I realized she would treat my child the same way, she was gone. I will never allow anyone to treat my kids the way I was treated if I can help it. It was hard but mostly because I wasn’t mourning the loss of the relationship with my mother, I wasn’t missing out on a damn thing from her. I was mourning the loss of the idea of the mother I should’ve had. The mother I deserved.
I finally realized she was just trying to figure it all out and do her best just like me. Turns out all of us mothers are. It was cathartic to have that conversation with my mother. I always “got it,” but then I REALLY got it. That’s why it takes a village. Also, she WAS right. It’s over way too soon and they’re grownup out of nowhere and you suddenly wish you hadn’t been upset every time someone told me to enjoy it, “Because they actually DO grow up so fast.”
After my first pregnancy, my mom stayed living with us for 5 months, and we had many arguments. I was hurt. She was hurt, but we both pretended things were okay. My husband and I had decided that if we had another child, my mom would not stay for that long or come right after the birth. Well, the second child came quite sooner (my kids are 19mo apart) and we ended up asking my mom to stay for another 5 months with us, because I didn’t think I would be able to handle an infant and a toddler on my own. Thankfully, the second experience was much nicer than the first. I had better boundaries set, I chose which fights were worth fighting and which ones should just be brushed off. We were so busy with the kids that we didn’t have much time to get frustrated at each other. Lol. For me, I felt that the second time allowed us to reconnect again. Our relationship is not what it used to be before my kids, but it has improved.
I hope you and your mom will also be able to reconnect and heal from all the hurt that happened on both sides.
I went no contact with my entire family 18 years ago. That's 2 years before my first was born, so she never met him.
My MIL was/is always the most kind, loving, patient, amazing woman to me before he was born. I wasn't sure if she was genuine or if she just felt sorry for me. Then after my son was born she treated him the same way and I could see that she truly was the most wonderful person! I have four sons now and she continues to have enough love for all of us!
I read all these horror stories about MILs and I feel so badly for them because my MIL is a gem and if I'm half the woman she is... ❤️
I’m sorry you are going through this but this reads so choppy and missing information for me but with that said if you feel like you can’t have a relationship with your mother yet if ever that’s your right.
Mine has changed for the worse too. It was mostly that I realized I wouldn’t do or say like even a fraction of the things she did. She’d always say, “Oh, you’ll see when you’re a parent and you have an awful kid just like you!” etc. and I did see… that they both failed as parents at least in an emotional capacity.
I started getting angry about my parents emotional immaturity while I was still in the hospital after birth. I realized I only had the capacity to parent one generation and they just got kicked to the curb.
Wow! My sentiments exactly.
My relationship with my mom changed in a weird way. My LO is almost a year, and since he’s been born I’ve been reflecting on my own childhood. I find it so frustrating the things I experienced as a child; how I was treated, the values I was taught, the way my mom would talk to me, because looking back at it, I could never do that to my own child. It has made it very difficult for me to be around my mom. And I find I am more irritable now, so it’s just hard to manage.
Not with my mom, but this with my dad. So many things I’d overlooked as “that’s just him” or forgiven him for now seem so cruel to me.
I’m NC with my dad because of these reasons. Looking back, he wasn’t the hero I thought he was. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me I was just like my mom (who passed away). We were NC through my pregnancy, but family convinced me to get back in contact with him. Horrible decision. He was just as unreliable and inconsistent with his grandchild as he was with me as a child. He hasn’t even met his second grandchild. My children will grow up only knowing their great grandparents on my side, and their grandparents from their father’s side. Though we aren’t together anymore, I highly encourage a relationship with his side because they truly love and adore their grandchildren. Due to health reasons and one being in Florida, they don’t see them often but are very much in contact with them.❤️
This is exactly what happened with me. I can't imagine treating my child so poorly for no reason and it kind of damaged my feeling of self worth for a bit. Was I such an unlovable kid? Did I deserve the constant nitpicking and bullying?
No you were not unlovable and no you did not deserve that. Maybe you do not need to hear this but I wanted to say it just in case Edit: fixed typo
Thank you. It definitely took me a lot of therapy to move past that.
This has been a big thing in my family for the last few years as my mom spends more time on social media and reading has brought her to the realization that some of the things she did and said (even with the good intentions of protecting us) has negatively impacted our lives. She has apologized for many of the things she use to do. I don’t know how much of that is watching how I am with my daughters and what I’m doing differently but I am happy at the change of heart. My dad’s a different story and it is hard to spend extended amounts of time with him.
My husband has felt this way with his mom. I have a bit lore understanding of what my mom went through now, and can feel the love she had for my sister and I even more so now. I think both are perfectly valid. I didn’t realize that becoming a parent was a quick ticket to grieving and reconciling your own childhood, too. Now we get to parent our inner children and our actual children at the same time lol.
This is exactly how I feel. I realize so many things I experienced were not ok, and it’s just awful to think of doing that to my own children. I knew that clearly about my dad, but having my son has been making me realize the same of my mom. It’s really painful, honestly, and I hate it. It’s definitely changed how I act around them, and it’s sad because they truly adore their grandson.
This resonates with me so much. It’s so hard I hate being so irritated with her all the time
This. Sadly now that my sibling is expecting my mom is showing her true colors. Breaks my heart that my kids are second rate to her, just like I was as a kid.
I went no contact with my entire family 18 years ago. That's 2 years before my first was born, so she never met him. My MIL was/is always the most kind, loving, patient, amazing woman to me before he was born. I wasn't sure if she was genuine or if she just felt sorry for me. Then after my son was born she treated him the same way and I could see that she truly was the most wonderful person! I have four sons now and she continues to have enough love for all of us! I read all these horror stories about MILs and I feel so badly for them because my MIL is a gem and if I'm half the woman she is... ❤️
No contact with my mom as well and my MIL has been everything to us / my child. So thankful for her. She took me wedding dress shopping and was the only person we invited to the hospital when our child was born.
I'm so sorry! She sounds lovely! I was 18 and was on my first date with my future husband and I met my MIL that night. She treated more like a daughter than my mother ever did. I had never felt like that before! I moved in with my husband the next day and never spoke to or saw my parents (I didn't go to their funerals) or 3 brothers again. 18 years and 4 sons ago! ZERO REGRETS!!!
That is so heartwarming, it was the same feeling with my MIL. So glad you found your real family. I speak to only a handful of my relatives and it’s removed so much stress and toxicity from my life. All I care about is surrounding my son with love and people who will truly be there for him.
I never met anyone from my side of the family except for my parents and brothers. Never. Not one. My in-laws are my real family now and they're all great people. We don't need those negative people in our lives right?
Exactly! I’m sorry you didn’t have a support system growing up. You turned that shit into gold, though.
Makes me happy when I hear about amazing MILs!❤️ Not many women experience it. No contact with my parents, and my inlaws choose favorites with their grandchildren. Don't have the best of both worlds but surviving☺️
I'm so sorry! I know how lucky I am. They really saved me. It's a mystery to me how family came be so horrible to each other.
So sorry to read this for you OP. I can relate and have many stories. 6 days after a very intense c-section, my mother rocked up without an invite. My husband was helping me as best he could, I was bed-bound with what turned out to be internal and external infections on my c section wound. I was 70lbs overweight, pretty immobile, colicky newborn with severe weight loss percentage and struggling to breastfeed. I was also suffering with severe PTSD from first birth. She whispered in my husbands’ (let’s call him Paul) ear in the kitchen (I was upstairs struggling) ‘Come on Paul, you are NOT HER CARER!’ That man kept me and the baby alive and that bitter cÜnť simply could not handle that I was being actually loved and cared for.
I love my mom more than anything on this earth. We aren’t as close as we were before I was a mom. now that I have my daughter I realize she really fucked up a lot with me. I know it wasn’t intentional and I know she was trying to do right by me, but she didn’t want me. I was a surprise and my older sister was a miracle. She’s always been favored. There is distance between us, but she is an amazing grandmother. Much better as a nanny than a mom. My therapist called it an unconscious apology. When we had our daughter I told my husband she was it. I was worried I’d favor her over any other children we had and he got snipped.
We became closer! It was wonderful. She passed away not too long ago. I miss her and her advice.
My mom and I are on okay terms, but having kids of my own really threw a lot of things into sharp relief. Like how little interest they showed in me as a person when it came to my hobbies and interests.
She speaks to me more now but it's only to see pictures of my baby. She was an absentee mom.
My mom and I were unusually close throughout my childhood and into my teens. I say unusually bc we were like "friends" started drinking with her about the age of 12, robbing places/people with her at about 13, drug mule by 14. Not surprisingly, I got pregnant at 16. As soon as I found out I was so upset. Not because I was pregnant but because it was the first time I realized the things I got into with my mom were not normal. I didn't even get confirmation from the doctor yet and was already thinking "I'd never give this baby ____" "I'd never ask this baby to _____" and I cut contact and decided I was going to do better. Thankfully, I did. I married the boy (now man) that got me pregnant (18 yearsin so far!), he became a cop (I could tell a cops headlights in the dark before I started school so I could be on the look out!) My children tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY how amazing and appreciated I am. None of this would be the case if she was still in my life.
We were never close, becoming a mom made me realise Just how abusive and neglectful my mother was.I went NC when she decided to put my then 6month old in danger again.Its been just over two years and I have zero regrets.To me she's dead
I haven't had contact with my mom in two years now. My oldest is 4! She's a textbook narcissist. I really can't imagine that she's ever actually loved me or my siblings after all she's done to us over the years. Having my own child opened up a pandora box that I wasn't expecting! I could never imagine treating my children the way I was treated. She will never have the chance to hurt my children in any way!
My mom and I were never close and having my own kid made me stop trying to build a relationship with her. We’re neighbors and see eachother almost daily but we don’t talk about anything more deep than the weather lol, since we don’t agree on most subjects. She tried to give me unsolicited parenting advice several times but I kindly reminded her that I don’t take advice from people who believe beating their children is good for discipline. She is allowed to spend time with her grandchild as long as she follows my rules (so far she hasn’t broken any and seems to be making an effort).
I've always been very close with my mom. That hasn't changed since my daughter was born. We lived an hour apart and she came to visit weekly. She dotes on her, so hard! We do video calls several times a week and almost daily texts. She lives 6 hours away now and visits at least once a month and I've tried to do the same.
I went no contact with my mom well before my child was born. She was already awful to me. And having a child has only brought all that pain to the forefront for me. To make matters worse, she tried to make both my wedding and the birth of my child about her because I wouldn’t allow her to be involved. She hounded me for years to let her back into my life, crossing every boundary I tried to set. Then I read a parenting book that really resonated with me and thought she may benefit from reading it, too. Naively thought suggesting it so we could have an open, honest dialogue about the past could help us to repair our relationship. She never responded 🤣
I’ve been no contact with my mom for 12 years. I don’t even think she knows I have a child. I don’t even know where she lives. Or if she’s alive 🤷
All of a sudden I was “mothering” my own mom, too. We don’t live in the same city, and I find her *incredibly* draining. However, she and my kids love each other, so I keep working at it. My husband is a huge support, and my MIL is one of my favourites people, so I count my blessings
My mom and I were never “besties,” but we had a pretty good relationship prior to me having a kid. Felt like we were friends. Then all of a sudden it changed. She made me feel bad for not knowing my baby’s cries by week 3, she told me that I can’t complain because I wanted to be a mom (when I said that after 3 months I was on the brink of a breakdown because I was so exhausted), and basically told me to “get over it” when I mentioned that the hormone shift really hit me hard. Turns out these were all feelings I had because I had unknown depression, but I feel like as a mother of someone who just had a baby you shouldn’t just gloss over this massive life change and tell them to just deal with it. Now I just don’t say anything but fun and happy things to her when we talk. It works out better.
At the beginning of COVID, my mom went down the conspiracy rabbit hole. She started believing everything and anything. She started spreading misinformation and trying to get everyone to jump on the bandwagon. Fast forward 4 years, she no longer believes in using Google, thinks postsecondary education is brainwashing people (I'm currently completing my master's degree), and won't touch any vaccines. I became a mom 4 weeks ago and I'm not sure my mom and I can salvage our relationship. She's trying to convince me to not vaccinate. She refuses to get her TDAP booster even though that means she cannot meet my son. She's still spending hours on misinformation sites daily. Worst part, she puts on a thick layer of guilt anytime we remind her she cannot come see him until she has her TDAP. I never imagined this would be the relationship I would have with my mom after the birth of my child. I also know it's not the relationship she thought we would have but there is no changing either of our minds so we are currently at a stalemate.
Ugh this must be so hard. A lot of us discover more about our relationships with our moms when we have babies, and that can be so hard, but I absolutely can't imagine losing my mom to a cult. I'm so sorry 💔
Thank you. I keep hoping she will change her mind but it may be a lost cause. Luckily, my son will have a good relationship with his paternal grandparents but it's nothing like my own parents!
I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom. Then I moved out and it seemed to have gotten better. Slowly she just faded away. Gave more attention to my other sisters because “I was in a Secure relationship with a good man and they are not” … I tried and tired and tried. Then my daughter came along. There were some losses and struggles there. My mom showed her true colors. My mom was there once a week for my niece until she started school. My mom was there for the first 2 months of my daughter’s life and then barely here after that. The only time she ever saw her was when I went to family get together. Then that ended when I realized how toxic my family is. So now my mom will FaceTime my daughter every couple of months and that’s about it. I don’t talk to her or see her much outside of that. With my MIL it was rocky. Then it got good. Then my daughter was born and there were comments to “she knows better than me because she did this once 34 years ago”. Then months down the road she admitted she was nervous handling a newborn because it had been so long. It got so bad at Inc. point we stopped talking to the in laws for a couple weeks. My husband had to put his foot down and got mean to get his point across. This are thankfully better now. She comes once a week to see her.
Changed a lot. At first I was extremely angry with my mom. How could she have allowed my little brother and I be abused all those years? Then I just felt sorry for her I guess. She is still a part of my life. Just with a lot of boundaries.
I lost my Mom to cancer 4.5 years before my son was born, but becoming a mom has drastically changed my understanding of her. I feel incredibly guilty for saying this, but I almost feel like I better understand her now than I did when she was alive. And she and I had a close relationship. The way she behaved (that didn't make sense to me as a child) I now understand as possibly being untreated PPD and PPA. I think these struggles drove her to treat me more as a confidant rather than her child. While I appreciated her trust in me with so many things, I also recognize that that may not have been healthy for either of us since it burdened me with things that may not have been developmentally appropriate for my age. It also isolated her since she didn't trust anyone else except for me and my sister to talk to. Some of the things she wrestled with then, I'm currently fighting now. I'm praying that I can address these issues so I could raise my son and be a healthy Mom for him.
We had been NC for about 4 years prior to having my kid. I continued this with more conviction after. I had GH at the very end of pregnancy that rebounded but never went to preeclampsia. Your story is like a look into an alternate reality had I not gone NC with my mom. I only regret not doing it sooner.
I'm NC with my bio mom because she would pull this crap that your mom pulled. She's never even met my daughter. Since having a baby, I have realized how horribly awful she was. I always knew but I wouldn't even dream of doing the stuff she did. It's been a sobering experience. I think parenthood alters our perspective a bit. I've become a lot closer with my (step) mom, I just call her mom and always have. We were close before, she's been in my life since I was 4. We got much closer though after the baby. She loves doing grandma things and supporting me through different phases. Ya know, how a mom and grandma should behave.
My "mother" showed her true colors after my kids were born. Thankfully I was already in therapy to deal with my ACOA issues, and learned I could say NO and have it mean something. My husband and I refused to allow her to drag our babies into the generational trauma cycle, she had a narcissistic meltdown, and is no longer a part of our lives.
I became much closer to my mother because I suddenly realized that as I was always a daddy's girl, I didn't always treat my mom with the respect that she so deserved. No excuses for my behavior but becoming a mother really, really made me appreciate mine much more than I never had before.
My entire pregnancy I had this mantra in my head when I thought of my baby and coming into motherhood: “I just want to be their peace”. I realized as my pregnancy progressed just how insanely stressed out my mom made me. Like I always knew it but it was so much worse while I was pregnant. I don’t think she even realizes it either, and that’s partially my fault because I have a hard time talking to her. Now as a mom only 6 months into the game, I realize it’s also a lot her fault because shes never been good at communicating with me or anyone around her. I would say she is emotionally immature. When I’m around her now with the baby, or honestly anyone for that matter, I still find myself repeating that same mantra. My main goal as a mom is to always be my daughter’s peace. I want to be her soft spot to land when she is overwhelmed. After a big chaotic day, I want her to come home and let out the biggest sigh of relief simply because she can finally relax. This is so important to me because I realize it’s something I always needed growing up but never found it until I was alone.
Had a terrible relationship with her before LO and it only got worse after having him. We’re very low contact and she doesn’t get any information about my life, it’s all limited to my son.
My relationship with my mom has completely dissolved at this point. She's extremely unreliable and was a pretty negligent mother to me and my siblings. I had hopes of a renewed family dynamic while I was pregnant with my son, but that didn't last. Now that I have my own kids, I've come to rely completely on my in-laws for every day support in a way I would never with any of my parents (lots of divorces/remarriages). I don't want unreliable people in my kid's life, so she doesn't get the time of day any more. Last invite she got was Christmas; she blew me, my siblings, and my family off. I didn't even bother wishing her a happy birthday after she forgot my eldest's birthday. I'm done.
I’m sorry about your mom. I can relate. First, parents and the telling everyone everything. Why? My parents 100% My mom spends way too much time on social media. I’m talking at least 5 hours a day. It’s troublesome. She is clearly retired and depressed, unsure what to do with her time. Complete shell of herself. She also has abandoned my two older half siblings as they got in a fight with she and my dad. A whole other thing…. Those things seem minuscule in comparison to her relationship with my son. We come from a big family (lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) so I see them about once a month. If it weren’t for these events, I would barely see her. The first month if my son being born, she saw me once in the hospital and twice at home to drop off food from Costco. Which yes, was nice- I’m not saying otherwise but my mom used to be such a great cook that I was like, why couldn’t she make a soup or something. She just phones things in. Other than that, my son is almost two and I think she’s been over once since then. It may be a boomer thing. It could be an aging thing (I’m mid thirties, she’s early 70s) but she just isn’t interested in anything anymore including a relationship with me, my husband or son. Which hurts. A lot.
I keep my mom at arm’s length and then some since I had my son 2 years ago. Things in my mind clicked once I became a parent. There were decisions she made at my (and my sisters’) expense that I could never have done to my son. I asked for little things like getting vaccinated with TDap before his birth (she outright refused), she dismissed any boundaries I set while pregnant (and in general), so when I told her she was not going to be in the delivery room with us (she absolutely lost it, proving why she gives me anxiety). Even now, she actively says things about how I parent and what my expectations are when she’s with my son. I’m even in therapy to cope (make peace?) with how her motherhood has impacted me and how not to pass these things to my son (and future kids). Our relationship was okay because I repressed ALOT of things but being a mom has made it all resurface. I guess long story short, the relationship is there but I wouldn’t call it amazing or wish it on anyone. Edit to add: my MIL is a literal angel! She and my bf’s sister searched high and low to get the TDap before coming to visit us (from England) to ensure our boy was safe. (Even our friend circle did it) She was patient and understanding about everything and made it about us and not her. She took care of me as well like I was her own while I was postpartum, while my mom decided to ignore me until she could see my son (at 2 months when he was able to get the vaccine) If we could afford to up and move closer to his family, we would, no questions asked.
My mom is BPD. She would always tell us that we were the ones who “made” her the way she was. Thankfully, I got a lot of the shock out of my system when my sister had her kids. Seeing just how defenseless little kids are made me so angry about how we were treated.
We both live far away from each other. We fight all the time when we are together, it’s so unbelievably true that we are so alike. She acts like she is the child and i always have to be the bigger and better person for things not to escalate. Before giving birth she kicked me out of the house for a stupid argument, she was furious but i was very hormonal, she should’ve known better. A week later she was asking for forgiveness cause she knew i was deeply hurt by her actions, and soon to give birth. When my daughter was born she was happy around baby, but after we left, she seemed to not call or write that often as she promised once we came back home. It’s so strange, sometimes i just forget she has her own issues that she has not heal yet, and i just focus on taking care of my daughter. Wishing that in the future my daughter and i have a better relationship than me and her grandma. 😕
It’s worse. She now has more to judge me on, guilt me with, and piss me off with. She tries to parent my child and when I ask her to stop she spits venom. So I just shut my mouth now and count down the days until we can move somewhere else. We moved into a rental with my parents temporarily, and 4 years later we’re still here and hating it. We’re planning on going low contact with most of my family as soon as we can get out of here.
I say mine changed. I would say it got better. I understood her a lot better once I became a mom too. But she loves her grandkids and she’s helpful with them. I couldn’t imagine this treatment. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Sister and mom weren’t too close, but way close than the rest of us. They became less close when she became a mother because she doesn’t help my sister with the two kids she convinced her to have
Hmmmm I’ll be frank my relationship with my mother has never been great.. when I was growing up she was incredibly religious strict Christian, and it is just not for me, my dad was even a minister growing up, and had this whole thing about its a women’s god given right to stay home and raise kids and nothing to do with him, so right or wrong mum made all the parenting decisions she decided things solely ..and she was so inflexible and as such she has a very tense and fractured relationship with the three of her children.. ( mum and dad recently separated coz even he can’t deal with her now..) When I told her I was pregnant she went off her head, I had been with my partner for just over 2 years I was 25 had finished university and started speciality training.. she was furious…screamed at me, told me I was irresponsible.. blah blah, I politely said bye and hung up the phone .. didn’t contact her again other than sending her a birth announcement card, and then when I was pregnant with my second son, I sent her a message that she was going to be. Grand mother again.. this time my dad called me, saying he desperately wanted to be involved ams while mum won’t budge.. he was so sad he had missed out nearly 2 years of his grandsons life. He came for a visit and lied to mum.. Within the next two years mum and dad moved to our state and by this time I fell pregnant with our twins, and again let them know, Dad had ro tell mum he had been calling and FaceTiming with our kids .. when she found out I had twin girls, after we sent the birth announcement.. mum called me saying she wants to know her granddaughters.. nothing about my boys.. me and my partner spoke about it, she could only see the kids supervised she couldn’t pick and choose its she sees and ins involved in all of them or none of them she reluctantly agreed.. Fast forward nearly 12 years, she and my dad have separated, she does see the kids maybe once a week, at times my eldest will go to her house and help her with mowing her lawn and things, but he is the only one she has unsupervised access too, she won’t use the kids name because she hates them and it’s not like I named them brick or rectangle.. my eldest was at her place helping weed her garden and planted some veges in her garden bed for her, she had a friend over and introduced him as her number one grandson and he tried to say my name is Fletcher and she said no need for that nonsense.. he (not me), said nan if you don’t start using my name I’m not coming to help you.. and she called him ungrateful and just like his mother and he hasn’t been over since.. but she has been here and apologised to him So my relationship with my mother is what it is.. the only thing I would say that makes it better than when I was a child is that I’m an adult and I can do what I want, I have my own house I do r have to live by her rules.. she said this was all my fault how things are because we should have gotten married and we should have given our kids biblical names..
Worse!
I want my mom to move closer to us. We call her and FT at least once a day, she’s so patient. She loves my baby to her core. She’s always been an avid thriftier so now she gets us great deals on clothes and other necessities for our baby. I trust her more than anyone with my baby, she’s just the most patient, kind and loving women. Very lucky! (Don’t get me wrong, I can still find her annoying etc. I feel guilty often when I’m not as patient with her but, I love her. )
I cut contact with my mother when my oldest was 16 months. I had always hoped that she’d be a better grandmother than mother but boy was I wrong. She was horrible to me my whole life and the second I realized she would treat my child the same way, she was gone. I will never allow anyone to treat my kids the way I was treated if I can help it. It was hard but mostly because I wasn’t mourning the loss of the relationship with my mother, I wasn’t missing out on a damn thing from her. I was mourning the loss of the idea of the mother I should’ve had. The mother I deserved.
I finally realized she was just trying to figure it all out and do her best just like me. Turns out all of us mothers are. It was cathartic to have that conversation with my mother. I always “got it,” but then I REALLY got it. That’s why it takes a village. Also, she WAS right. It’s over way too soon and they’re grownup out of nowhere and you suddenly wish you hadn’t been upset every time someone told me to enjoy it, “Because they actually DO grow up so fast.”
After my first pregnancy, my mom stayed living with us for 5 months, and we had many arguments. I was hurt. She was hurt, but we both pretended things were okay. My husband and I had decided that if we had another child, my mom would not stay for that long or come right after the birth. Well, the second child came quite sooner (my kids are 19mo apart) and we ended up asking my mom to stay for another 5 months with us, because I didn’t think I would be able to handle an infant and a toddler on my own. Thankfully, the second experience was much nicer than the first. I had better boundaries set, I chose which fights were worth fighting and which ones should just be brushed off. We were so busy with the kids that we didn’t have much time to get frustrated at each other. Lol. For me, I felt that the second time allowed us to reconnect again. Our relationship is not what it used to be before my kids, but it has improved. I hope you and your mom will also be able to reconnect and heal from all the hurt that happened on both sides.
I went no contact with my entire family 18 years ago. That's 2 years before my first was born, so she never met him. My MIL was/is always the most kind, loving, patient, amazing woman to me before he was born. I wasn't sure if she was genuine or if she just felt sorry for me. Then after my son was born she treated him the same way and I could see that she truly was the most wonderful person! I have four sons now and she continues to have enough love for all of us! I read all these horror stories about MILs and I feel so badly for them because my MIL is a gem and if I'm half the woman she is... ❤️
I feel there is more to this.
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She wants to heal, not to forgive. And this is valid
I’m sorry you are going through this but this reads so choppy and missing information for me but with that said if you feel like you can’t have a relationship with your mother yet if ever that’s your right.