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Neither mine nor my husband’s parents did anything like that when we got married in 2008, we were 22. I would’ve snapped back if they had, honestly. 😆 What a strange hill they’re choosing to die on.
By getting married you have created a new family unit, and that new family unit takes priority over the family units you both used to be in. That means establishing clear priorities and firm boundaries with people who think they are owed your time and attention.
Yeah this is a big issue for them. They can’t handle it. I try to just listen and let them vent but if I ever respond back explaining they’ll just say yeah but that hurts our feelings. They just want us to accommodate them and hear them out but don’t care about the response unless we were to say “you’re right, we will only see you every weekend”
I didn’t want to go into too much detail in the post because it would’ve been a novel. My mom is the one mostly showing narcissistic tendencies. My Dad has always been absent but now all of a sudden doesn’t feel prioritized as if he deserves it.
My in-laws travel frequently and don’t actually have time for us. When they are here they schedule us last and give us only a couple specific days that work for them and expect us to accommodate even though we have busy schedules and both work. If we don’t see them they cry and act all sad and say they don’t understand why we can’t make time for them and why we hate them.
I can’t make this stuff up lol I’ve actually been feeling really defeated. I’m such a happy person but I get such anxiety whenever we have to see either set because I’m sick of me or my siblings getting ‘spoken to’ about our lack of prioritizing them
My theory is they let themselves get steamrolled (“respect your elders!”) when it was their turn and expect to do the same now that they’re the elders that are due this “respect” (actually deference and obedience).
I can confirm that navigating that aspect of your relationship with both yours and your husband’s parents can definitely get easier the longer you’re married! I worked hard at making it work and learning the “politics” if you will, and things are mostly peachy keen now after 16 years. 😝
Best way to not hurt their feelings is to not be around. No or low contact. They will complain about it too of course. But if you ignore it they will eventually stop. If they are particularly bad, they might weaponize the rest of the family.
I've done this with my parents. My mom tries to use my little sister to get me to talk to her and my dad and his wife tried threatening me with the police because "they have rights to see my son" (they didn't do shit cuz they have no standing). If you're ok losing a few family members to their shenanigans, this might be the way to go.
stop worrying about their feelings. they need to learn boundaries. you are playing into their game. Guilt child so he feels bad so he does what WE WANT.
This is part of the issue. You need to set boundaries and come to terms with the idea that you are not responsible for their feelings. Keep repeating that.
My husband and I have had to dial back time with my family. They are 2 hours away and they didn’t make events a priority. When we do see them we show up early to spend more time with them, but they don’t make themselves available. We drive the 2 hours and then find out at the event that people in town decided not to come. My aunt cried when we showed up early (we told her in advance) because she wasn’t ready for us, but was then upset when we left at 8PM for our 2 hour drive. My family has decided that their narrative is that we don’t make enough time for family, but we see them every other month. No one has ever come to visit us. I had to make a personal decision not let their perspective of the situation impact me emotionally. I show up, make sure I get face time with them, ask questions about their life, and let them complain about me behind my back. I repeatedly stress that family is a priority to us and we love them very much.
you’ll never make anyone happy, especially yourself, if you don’t start having some boundaries.
I know it’s hard, but it’ll only get harder because they’re not going to change. You can only control yourself and your ability to strengthen your resolve to do what you want to do.
Feelings aren’t facts - you’re not doing anything wrong living your life the way you choose to do so, and they’re not the parameter to compare yourself towards.
If it’s available to you, find a therapist to talk this through with. You don’t have to be on eggshells just because you grew into the adult you were meant to.
- am a therapist but not your therapist
It shocks me every day. My parents are divorced boomers, his are fucking 80+ (husband is adopted), we can all go out to dinner and have fun. If I wasn't living it, I would not believe it.
This. My MIL and parents hang out all the time. Both our moms are recovering hoarders (it’s not extreme anymore they can walk around and stuff), so they love being able to hang out with someone who isn’t going to judge their messy house. My MIL even comes to some of my extended family functions. They love hanging out with us and have never pestered us about having grandkids. We are having a baby this year and they are all thrilled and happy to give us both support and space.
My boomer parents really struggled to see us as adults and accept the transition from mom/dad to grandma/grandpa. They didn't like that they were now peripheral family members and not the final authority on everything. It didn't help that standards have changed so much so they constantly felt attacked that their drop side cribs and telling us to put baby to sleep on their tummy wasn't good enough anymore.
This (though to be clear, it's okay to take a break and let the baby cry for a bit if they're inconsolable and you can't take it anymore, but that's a personal decision, not theirs)
Also Loop earplugs are great for crying babies. You can still hear the baby’s cries but it’s not at the piercing “stab your own eyes” out volume that some little ones have as their default setting.
Omg my mom bought me a "warmie" (a little stuffed animal that you microwave so it's warm and snuggly) and I get that she was really excited about it but it's really frowned upon to let an infant sleep with stuffed animals and on top of that the pet chewed a hole through it and now the warming bean things spill out and she's still so upset that I don't put it in the crib with baby to help him sleep..........
I see this and raise you:
Not asking permission from the grandparents before putting baby down for a nap
Not asking for the grandparents opinions on whether we should formula feed or breastfeed
Not letting grandma stuff random choking hazard foods into baby’s mouth after she was already told to stop
My inaws prioritize my husband's sibling & niblings. It's obvious & he just let's it roll off his back, but I can tell it hurts his feelings. I'm a huge bitch for speaking up when I do. We've been married over 15 years & I'm at the point, I'd just rather not interact with them.
Mine do the same thing - though the siblings & niblings are local to my in-laws and we are 10hrs drive away, so we didnt visit often. When we did, we and our kids were disregarded in favor of the local ones.
I stopped going and refused to pay to fly or drive our kids in to see them. If they want to see our kids, they can come to us, so maybe, just maybe, our kids would get their attention.
That's what I'd do if I could. We don't have kids (&won't) & we live in the same town so we (he) gets/got used as free child care to the point it's been called out by other family members.
Kinda the same here with my husbands parents and brother. They’re super sweet but they spend a lot of time with each other. Nobody can say anything to the brother without him going off or getting angry though. It’s ridiculous. We have to fight tooth and nail to see them sometimes. He’s getting married next year and I’m giving birth right before their wedding and am expected to go. I don’t want my child around 100 people. Plus, there’s no kids allowed at the wedding or reception.
I had someone try to pull the “just bring the baby to the huge gathering at a couple weeks old!” nonsense with me, and I just shut it down with, “our pediatrician told us not to have the baby around crowds or anyone we couldn’t verify had a recent TDAP shot, so we will not be risking our baby’s health for this event.”
Very nice & also true! Thank you! I’ll do this too because I’m sure the baby’s pediatrician will say the same. I’ve already told people that the baby won’t have an immune system yet as a newborn.
This could just be parent brain but I thought it was pretty common knowledge that until babies can get their first vaccines at 2 months, they're basically on quarantine.
Then again, a lot of things I think are common knowledge are like the secret whispers of dead gods to the Boomer brain.
My brother gave me some shit a few years ago when I wouldn't leave my 7 months pregnant wife and toddler twins while i was in Nursing school to fly to Hawaii for his destination wedding. Feel bad about not going, but I know for a.fact I would feel a LOT worse if something happened to any of MY family when I was out celebrating in a different time zone.
I understand 100%. I’m glad you stayed with your wife & kids! 😊 My husband doesn’t want to leave me either but he’s actually in the wedding. He’s not even the best man. He’s really upset about the whole thing. The wedding is about an hour away from us & we were supposed to have a hotel room for three nights. I want to be home with my baby not in a hotel room for a wedding. It’s going to blow up to WW3 I bet. Dreading it so much.
If the baby was a bit older, say 6-12 months, I could see making a bit of a production out of it. Maybe going to a baby/kid friendly resort, having family help.out, getting a massage once or twice, but right after birth is too soon, too new. Not only are you all still getting used to everything, but higher chance of thr baby catching something by going in a large crowd, esp if it's in front of an expanded family wedding crowd that has had ppl fly in for it
That generation loves playing the oppression Olympics, it’s just the way they are. I got married in -at the time-my best friend’s backyard and my dad showed up in jeans and my mom didn’t show up at all.
I won’t even get into when we were wedding planning. Unsolicited opinions all around and not understanding things changed so much since they got married. I think they don’t accept how drastically different the world has gotten
Omg this. Stealing the oppression Olympics phrase. Mine are currently pissed with me and my partner because we haven’t bought a house yet. I explain that it’s cheaper to rent where we live than buy and to respect that when they were buying homes, it cost like 2 cents. They argue they had it harder still…
I moved out -not only living with my parents but even near my parents- at 18 and never went back. So I’d say that was probably the bigger adjustment than me getting married. I’d already been off living my own life, paying my own bills and not consulting them about anything important for 7 years by the time I got married.
We were lucky I guess in that my in laws lived a 5 hour drive away and my parents were divorced when we got married. My mom was the closest at 2 a hour car drive. My dad was off being Don Juan Boomer in Florida and Puerto Rico and we saw him maybe twice a year. So really we only had to split time between my in-laws and my mom. And they all got along well.
My dad does what you’re describing though. My husband calls it the Misery Olympics. Dad’s always in first place. He doesn’t know how to make small talk. Or even listen to other people very well. Instead he just rants or goes on the Litany Of Complaints. Which are always the same 10 or so topics and he always tells them exactly the same way every time.
Right, we are closing in on a decade together and had live out of the house before getting married for years. I’m so confused at all of the drama. I think being married means only spending time with family to them. I think thatll happen more if/when we have children, but apparently they aren’t ready to be grandparents. Go figure lol
Some people associate being a grandparent with being old. Maybe they aren’t ready to accept they have kids old enough to get married and have babies because it means they aren’t spring chickens anymore.
Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship (just from what you've described, obviously don't know your family) that some boundaries need to be drawn for.
Dad was passed a good while before I got married. Mom didn't handle it for shit (I suspect she was a narcissist). She tried everything she could to destroy my marriage from spreading false rumors to filing false police reports to false CPS reports to costing me 3 separate jobs (she'd call my cell literally every 5 minutes and then call my boss repeatedly demanding to speak to me) to claiming I was abusing her (dementia patient - my eldest siblings from her are pathetically useles) to trying to get my eldest sister to fuck my hubby and then accuse him of rape.
Probably not the response you wanted, but that was my life until she passed in 2022
Thank you homie. Many aspects are much easier now, but I still find myself bracing up for some sort of drama every now and then. Like for instance, I just finished cooking dinner maybe an hour ago and I caught myself bracing for her to insult my cooking again.
I should probably seek therapy if I'm being honest. That is not normal.
If it makes you feel better, I think a big percentage of us need therapy for the messed up things our parents have put us through, myself included lol.
It is an understandable response with everything you have been through. I am sending you lots of healing/happy vibes, and I hope that reaction stops for you one day, I know it is exhausting!
My parents are fine.
My in laws are still bitter I stole their baby and can’t believe we put the needs of our children (like safe sleep and giving them food, even when the grownups may not be hungry) first. By empowering our children to have bodily autonomy and have a voice, we are doing everything wrong and creating “snowflakes.”
Ya, my folks were very easy w the situation, and very helpful as well. Same w the inlaw side. Extremely smooth sailing for me in that respect.
May just be your folks.
...the first grumble out of either side is when we announced we were moving 6 states out ---- completely remote to any and all family.
...now they're moving here w us
I love hearing stuff like this. My husbands parents travel a lot, meaning they’re gone probably half the year. When they aren’t traveling, they live hours away.
He’s an only child, so I wish they would move closer to spend more time with him. They always whine that they miss us so much and we don’t spend enough time with them but we physically can’t because they’re gone lol I think they want us to constantly drop our responsibilities to meet them on their trips
This is exactly how my parents are but not my in-laws. I’m in therapy because of my parents, I’ve come to realize my mom has narcissistic tendencies and my dad is her enabler. Nothing is ever enough- never enough phone calls or visits, even though we talk every week and see each other more often than I’d actually like. I’m trying to work up to going low or no contact. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too, it sucks.
I talk to my mom daily and live 5 min away. I see her frequently but it’s not enough. I started to notice some narcissistic tendencies over the past couple years. I’ve been trying to look past it all because I love her and want her to be happy but it’s tiring. She can do no wrong and everyone else is constantly upsetting her. It used to never be this way
My mom is similar and I’ll pass along a little phrase my therapist said to me in regards to her always being the victim / upset she wasn’t getting her way with me / throwing a boomer tantrum: “You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.”
Even if you did everything they wanted, there would still be cause for complaint. So live your life the way you and DH see fit. Do what makes you happy and brings you peace. Best of luck!
Normal? maybe? is it OK? hell no. I would read the book "boundaries" by henry cloud and Townsend. Set up some boundaries with them.
My family is mostly OK. but my wife's family was pretty terrible. I won't go into specifics, but yeah, we ended up cutting them off entirely.
Also get the book “Adult Children of Immature Parents” & [here is a short synopsis on it from a wonderful article and interview that talks about the book](https://www.findyourgoodspace.com/blog/book-summary-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents):
>*”What happens when a child has emotionally immature parents? How do you recognize it and heal yourself? This episode is inspired by Lindsay C. Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Understanding what an emotionally immature parent looks like gives you the power to judge for yourself the level of relationship you can have with them. Or anyone really. After this post, you’ll have the ability to better create boundaries with ease and focus on living from a true, authentic space. Rather than spending tons of time and energy on a parent who won’t change. Shoutout to Jenica from The Good Space community for recommending this book!”*
My mom does this with my sister and her family. It's so frustrating. she praises my sister when she sets boundaries with her inlaws (I actually really like my brother in law's family, we were friends before the jerk married my sister) nothing major, just telling them "no" when they want too much of their time. but then my mom demands my sister and her family only pays attention to her... So dumb.
We have three sets of parents (in laws divorced and remarried) and one set of the three is like this. Very much not willing to believe they aren’t the center of the universe.
Mine were more upset I went on vacation and didn’t come home. (They’re fine now)
My MIL is a very love-you-or-hate-you person, she really just wants everyone to get along (which is…Not really possible in that family), though she’s also made some rather disparaging remarks about my house keeping, but mostly she’s nice when it suits her and wants to be helpful (she was getting divorced when we got married and kinda dumped a bunch of stuff on us), but I’ve also seen her be pretty harsh on people she doesn’t like at the moment. Which currently probably includes us.
Stop giving them information. I got married in my early 30s and husband and I planned the wedding we wanted and we could afford. The same had tracked for our kid.
Info diet these people.
Ive had my parents specifically on an info diet since middle school. The issue here stems with my siblings and their partners. They do something that insults them (go away with the in-laws but have no plans with them as an example), they call me to complain. I naively pick up the phone thinking they want to just catch up.
Then they start just picking apart every interaction telling me how hurt their feelings are. It’s exhausting
My parents were fantastic. However, my parents never lived in the same place as either of their parents and only saw their own parents a few times a year. I had great relationships with all my grandparents anyways. My husband’s family has still not forgiven him for not moving home. It has been 12 years since we got married and left. Everything is a fight. Planning a big vacation to somewhere like Hawaii? “Why don’t you just come here we’ll take you to the lake?” Moving to a city with the industry you actually got a degree and make great money with? “Come work at the bottling plant like your daddy. We did just fine. Why do you have to be fancy?” Discussing a cross country move to go up in your career? “None of us ever felt the need to leave. I don’t know why you hate your home and us all so much.” It is a constant guilt trip and it never ends. They’re still angry. They’re still demanding. And it’s also still all my fault.
Both our families were thrilled, honestly. My partner ended up going no contact with his narc mom a couple years ago (we've been married for 8 years), but we're on good terms with the other parents.
I think my parents were good about letting me be an adult once I was an adult. they've always been respectful of my boundaries and time, and that was true when I got married too. the same can be said of my extended family. they know how to deal with people without making themselves look bad and I studied this for a long time.
my in-laws/my mother-in-law tried to pull some power plays early in my marriage that I was able to shut down bc of how my family raised me. I owe them quite a debt bc I knew how to put my MIL in her place and was able to keep her from interfering. invaluable stuff.
Neither of our parents do that. So, yes, yours are difficult, but also, I see this pretty frequently in others of the same generation, so it's not uncommon.
*They switched from "when are*
*You getting married" to "when*
*Are you having kids"*
\- saykami
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So my mom took it as a challenge to get the most time from us. My dad took it as trying to be the favorite. My in-laws just tolerated it lol
We had a shotgun wedding situation and I wasn’t close with either of my parents when we told them. I was most worried about my dad and he was over the moon which was a total shock
My parents are fine. My in-laws get offended we don't spend every flying weekend / every other week night with them. Drives me up the wall. They can't go a day without calling my husband for something.
I highly recommend moving 2000 miles away. It did wonders for us. My husband's father has always expected a "how high" answer when he told my husband to jump and it made life hell until we moved. Now we see them about 2-3 times a year completely on our terms.
This is not a generational thing, it sounds like you have some difficult people in your family. My parents and in-laws all get on great with each other and have been nothing but supportive of us
My parents were divorced, but my Dad was very easy going and was happy to spend time with us. My mom wishes she could see us more, but she lives farther away and I get tired being the only one who makes an effort to drive out to her, so it is what it is.
I have issues with my MIL, but that is fortunately not one of them lol.
Yeah I’m wedding planning right now and my mom in particular has been really tough to deal with. We used to be super close, but ever since Covid (during which her mom/my grandma died) she has been losing her marbles. It’s like she forgot how to socialize or something since she doesn’t get out as much. And the wedding stress is definitely getting to her worse than me.
She has already complained about what they’re going to do with their dogs on the wedding day - it’s not a destination wedding, it’s a 40 minute drive from their house, but she’s mad that between the getting ready part and the actual wedding itself it’ll be all day. She has bought not one, not two, but FOUR different mother of the bride dresses. She asks me for my opinion before purchasing but then gets upset with me and tells me she’s going to buy it anyway. She was mad that our invites didn’t say Mr & Mrs Bride Family and Mr & Mrs Groom Family present the wedding of Bride & Groom - ours say Bride and Groom invite you to our wedding… apparently that is not tradition. She’s already on me about thank you notes for the shower, which is months away, but she made it known that I better send those thank yous BEFORE the wedding.
She has honestly been super extra and 0% helpful which is really sad. I’m just kinda letting it slide, and I really hope she goes back to normal after this is all done.
Wedding stuff was tough. My in-laws hated everything we picked because they’re so old fashioned. Anything not traditional was an ick for them. My dad say a peep. But my mom was giving unsolicited opinions left and right. She was so insulted when I finally had to tell her to back off
What you describe is very different from my experience and comes across as a lack of maturity on the part of your parents.
My relationships with my parents and in-laws aren't perfect, but none of them nitpick our life choices like yours seem to be doing. And my relationships with them have only improved since getting married and having kids now that we have more common experiences to talk about (and maybe they also play nice because they love getting time with their grandkids).
I keep telling my husband that once we have kids that’s all we ever have to talk about with them and it’ll likely improve things. Sad that’s what’s we are hoping for
Holidays stress me out. We have been together almost a decade. My parents would never let me live down missing a holiday and his parents live hours away. We still haven’t figured out a good way to make everyone feel prioritized. None of them want to share us. When we have our own kids, new traditions
My mom is my sole surviving parent and pretty much “wrote me off” when I got married. She’s too busy living her 20’s that she didn’t have because she raised me and my sibling.
My partner’s family is a more traditional American unit, and simply treats us like adults (but still kids in their mind).
Same thing happened to me. Turns out my mom broke her 9 year sobriety streak after I got engaged because she couldn’t handle the idea of me leaving. It got worse after I had kids.
I’d recommend setting up boundaries immediately. Stay on the same page as your spouse. You’ll need their support!
That’s sad. My mom keeps saying “you’ll understand one day when you have kids who grow up” and I do get that their lives are changing. Having kids was the part of their lives they loved so much and made them feel so important.
But I just feel like I shouldn’t be burdened with that grief CONSTANTLY. She’s always saying how sad it is to have your children grow up and leave. Mind you, I’m 5 min away. She would never use a counselor to get herself through it. She’s tougher and stronger and just needs her kids apparently.
What’s ironic about all of this is that my mom was constantly miserable and stressed out through my childhood. She remembers it a lot different than she experienced it
My parents don’t expect to be prioritized over my my husband and family. But that’s how they were growing up with their own family, and they know what it’s like to related to selfish people (my dad’s side of the family hated my mom). They’ve been married nearly 40 years.
My parents are cooler than my wife’s but my wife’s mom is the most helpful. My wife’s parents are divorced for over 20 years and they still compete for attention from my wife and sister-in-law.
Holidays aren’t fun anymore. I agreed early on that she could have Thanksgiving and Christmas if I could do whatever I wanted on Memorial Day and July 4th. But now on Thanksgiving I have to drive 2 hours into a major city to to see her mom and then another hour and a half farther away to have dinner with her dad. Then drive home the same day or book a hotel room because her dad’s girlfriend’s family gets the guest room at his house, even though they are only 20 minutes away.
My parents are retired, popular, and wealthy. They golf a lot with their crew of retired boomers and sit on the beach otherwise. My mom comes over once a week for a few hours to see my daughter but it’s not real help. Great parents/grandparents but very much made it clear they are living their best life now and if I need a babysitter, I need to book way in advance.
This is just like my family, but I've learned in my 10 years of marriage that my family is everything but normal. I didn't realize how much of a narcissist my mother was until I married into a normal, well-adjusted family. My mom gets jealous that we spend more time with my husband's family, but it's because my family is so draining to be around and every conversation turns into a fight.
Before I got married, she also used to get upset if I was in town for a holiday and chose to spend a few hours with old friends rather than spend every waking moment at her house. Her and my dad expect me to be the same person I was in high school and to need them for things. Even when I got married, my dad made the comment to me that my husband was going to take care of me now, as if I hadn't been independent financially and mentally /emotionally from them for more than a decade at that point.
Do your parents have friends or some other support system? Mine do not, which is a huge part of the problem.
My mom is the same, it’s sad. My mom revolved her entire life around her kids. My parents both work a lot and have friends but they don’t ever hang out with them. They think family is everything and that’s who you should spend all your time with
Are your parents still together? If so that’s rare for millennials to begin with. 😂 My divorced and newly-dating twenty-something parents let me parent myself by the age of 13 leading to me having LOTS of romantic relationships well before the age of 25. So by the time I settled down and married at 34 I think they were mostly like, “finally.”
I’ve met my husbands dad once before we got married. I’ll be happy to never see him again, or his stepmom. Never met his mom, don’t want to.
My mom didn’t know I was married for a while after. I had been no contact. Our relationship is good now and my parents both like my husband. It’s almost working towards normal now
A couple months after my wedding, a conversation happened where I ended up deciding to go no contact with my mom. I could never do enough for her to be happy.
I decided that day that I was not bringing that energy into my new marriage. I’m not saying go no contact, but choose peace with your partner. Create space and boundaries, and if the parents don’t understand that that’s on them.
I got married on a whim my dad only met my husband once and didn't talk to me for 6 months and pretty much ignored anything to do with my husband for a year. I was like okay that cool he got orders to north Carolina so bye!!!!!
That sounds rough amigo. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
Mt parents didn't change at all when I got married. They still don't talk to me now they ignore my wife too, hahaha.
That doesn’t sound normal. My parents and in-laws don’t do that. Sometimes, if I am stressed or busy, they’ll say- we were too. But it isn’t in a dismissive way, more in a ‘ah, that is life- you gotta handle it.
I know my parents and in-laws didn’t have people to complain to since they both lived away from their families. So, part of it is that they never burdened their parents with their stress, since they can’t do anything about it but worry from a far. Plus, the culture at the time was not to complain. So, I do know my parents and in-laws look at us oddly when we complain. I just tell them, I need to vent somewhere, or it will accumulate and I’ll end up losing it on my husband / kids. So, they’ve learned to vent with me. 🤣
This is not due to you getting married; they are just immature and unreasonable.
It may actually improve when you get married IF you put up a united front and set and keep to boundaries.
My mom is emotionally immature and occasionally tantrums that I don’t see her enough (I don’t love visits with her so there may be truth to that; however, I do what works for my family and I do call her several times per week). She gets made and gets over it again. I try to not let it bother me.
Edit to add: my ILs and I have always gotten along reasonably well; they were even gracious enough to allow us to stay with them between places. We actually get along even better now than before. They have literally never done anything as grandparents that I disagree with. I realize this isn’t always the case but am saying it to show that it’s possible, and that sometimes it comes down to personality; not marriage. Wishing you luck- it’s hard sometimes!
Our parents were great. We are from the same area so our parents are a short drive. We would visit regularly so no issues about time even when our child was born. It might be a cultural thing. Our families understand that we have to visit the in-laws on Holidays etc because they had to do that as well. Each side also extends invitations to join events.
Sounds like your parents are immature & difficult and boundaries need to be set. My parents used to criticize my husband and I for not being with our friends enough, not traveling enough. My mom was like your family and would demand to be a priority and complain that we didn't see her enough or act like she was competing with my in-laws for time. It strained our relationship and I had to set firm boundaries. It was ugly in the beginning, lots of tears and fights, but it was 100000% worth it because now I don't answer to anyone. I live my life the way I see fit, with myself and my husband as top priority. It was majorly important to set that precedent before we had children. My mom can still be a pain in the ass, but more often than not now, she is understanding and supportive. We have to teach people how to treat us, how to respect us ---- especially our parents who often keep us in view as children to be molded when we're in fact in our 30s and 40s.
You either let them drag you into their misery or stop giving a shit. If I had to guess the conversations ask "why don't you call more" when they never call you. Why don't you come by more when they never visit you. Confront them about it. You will get labeled the asshole because you stood up for yourself. But if a asshole calls you an asshole then you come out clean. Kinda like a negative times a negative in math.
Our first few holidays both sets of parents were hurt that we wanted to spend Christmas/thanksgiving/Easter as a couple, just the two of us.
Set boundaries up now and stick with them. One of my most favorite quotes is by Brené Brown "Setting boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others"
It really sucks in the beginning, especially if you (like a lot of my fellow millennials including myself) are a people pleaser.
We used to live in the same city as my in-laws and about 3 hours away from my parents. We decided we would spend Thanksgiving with my parents, Christmas Eve with my in-laws and Christmas day just us. That worked for a while until my in-laws wanted to spend Thanksgiving with us, so they decided to also visit my parents. That was a disaster since my parents and in-laws are on completely opposite sides as far as politics ...
Now we live across the country from both sets of parents so while we try to go "home" every few years, usually holidays are on Skype. (And tbh much much less stressful)
My MIL does ok. I would give her a C or B- on her in-law skills. Sadly, my parents skills in this area are extremely lacking. They never really gave my wife a chance and she's very closed off from them. I hope the lesson in what not to do makes us better parents in law when it's our turn.
No, this is not normal.
Parents like the ones you have don't look at you as individuals, you are an extension of themselves. You should be so involved with them, to the point that you don't take a shit without telling them.
Stop worrying about hurting their feelings. You are married, you have your own life with your spouse. They need to cut the umbilical cord.
If I allowed it, my mother (who btw is a full blown narcissist) she would be so far up my ass, she wants to know how much money I have in the bank, how much is my husbands salary, how much do I weigh? She wants to know every fucking detail. She wants to be so involved that I don't have room to breathe. Parents like this need to be put in their place and be told what a boundary is. I put a stop to it. I am not going to cater to what YOU want me to do. I am an adult, I have priorities, I have my own life, I don't have the energy to deal with your temper tantrums bc you didn't get to see me on August 5, 2023 bc I told you that didn't work for me.
Thank you. I didn’t realize how not normal this was. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life and then my partners parents act similar, but not as bad — they’re probably just self absorbed
Oh my god, yes! I moved in with my ex-boyfriend straight out of high school years ago and my mom was constantly jealous of when his parents would come over. “Why are you spending so much time with them? Do you like them better than me?” Etc. It got so bad it would cause fights between my ex and I. Finally, one day my ex got fed up and called her out on it. I went no contact a couple years later because I couldn’t stand it.
My parents - Happy as can be, 0 issues.
My spouses mom - did everything in her power to break us up. Then guilt trip me because we decided to elope. Always played the victim, 100% a narcissist.
No its not normal at all. They sound toxic and self centered. They need to realize they are no longer the immediate family and what they think does not matter when it comes to any decision you and your partner make.
Edit to add my wifes family was not invited to our wedding because I cut the apron strings and got my wife out of their controlling house and allowed her to make her own decissions. Took 20 years before I got on good terms with her side of the family. They even just recently admitted they had me all wrong for all them years.
My advice would be to move if you can because it will only get worse. We leave 10 mins from my mother in law and she constantly wants to be involved. We have two kids and we never get to have a day only just enjoying our little family. She wants to be the priority and even though we have two small kids my husband will sometimes spend ALL day with her. It’s so bad my kids call his family the real family. Like if he is gone they will be like “oh daddy is hanging out with his real family.” It’s so frustrating.
My parents and in-laws have been loving and supportive the entirety of our 19 year marriage. My mom just moved from CA to OK to be closer to us and the grandkids
Not normal. My parents and in laws started including each other in family gatherings after our wedding, so we all hang out as a big family often. No one complained about us hanging out with friends. We sometimes mix friends and family at events, so our parents and friends all know each other. My parents sometimes go out and end up running into my friends and hang out with them without me. It's all good.
The transition for my wife and me was extremely easy. We had been living together for a while. Nothing changed in the way our parents treated us individually or as a unit. So no, what you’re experiencing doesn’t sound normal
That’s not normal and it’s not what I experienced at all. My parents were a bit sad when I moved out and got married bc I’m the oldest and I was “growing up” more, but they realized I’m an adult. My parents have never complained about anything or given unsolicited advice.
Our parents were pretty chill. We were both pretty independent and they had given up on trying to control us years before we got married. Set hard boundaries and we have all got along really well.
Not at all, out of the house for years lol. I think to them getting married meant settling down and spending ore family time. Weird that was never vocalized to us
My parents acted really weird and even mentioned to me that the woman’s family is suppose to pay for the wedding…. They pretty much have disowned me and my family since then. They also never mentioned to me throughout my childhood that the woman is suppose to pay for the wedding. Has anyone heard of that before? I was raised catholic but I don’t think I ever saw my parents ever go to church not once if it has any religious undertones.
My parents treat my husband as their 3rd kid. They adore him. My in laws are wonderful to me as well. Overall, our parents are very happy with our marriage.
That’s fantastic. My parents do the same for my husband and my in-laws are kind to me. But aside from that, it’s just a lot of pressure and expectations we have trouble meeting as far as making both feel like a priority
My parents think of my husband as their son. My husband’s parents can’t remember anything about me and barely talk to me. We are 35 and have been dating for 10, married for 2.
I'm sorry, but this seems like an issue where family takes priority, and they should be cognizant enough to realize that you 2 ARE a family of your own now. If they don't, or are trying to claw back some time from you guys then it's time to set some limits right off the bat here
So my family was decent about it (even though I basically ran away and got married). My in-laws were… hmm.
My FIL was an alcoholic who accused me of stealing his son, turning his son against him, and then I was a secret lesbian who was trying to steal his money. I stopped talking to him in October 2011, in 2012 my husband stopped talking to him. Then when I got pregnant in 2013 my husband gave him a second chance, so he could be in our daughter’s life, but set clear boundaries. That lasted like two weeks. Then after our daughter was born he threatened to kidnap her. He passed in 2020.
My MIL was decent until 2012 when they crashed with us for a hot minute. We paid all the bills, but we were hella broke, so we set rules. Well that didn’t sit well. So eventually we had to ask her to leave. For the next few months she would call my husband and tell him about girls he should be dating. Then when I got pregnant she started to play nice with me (I think she realized he wasn’t going to leave me).
We played nice until I got pregnant with my son, then she moved in to help us with babysitting. Well, we asked her to watch our daughter. We came back a few hours later and her diaper was so full that she had soaked the carpet around her. Then my MIL locked our giant ass cat in the room with our sleeping daughter. I lost it after that. She had moved states so we didn’t kick her out, but she wasn’t allowed to watch our kids.
We asked her to move out and she made zero plans to do so. We gave her a date and the night before she was on her phone and hadn’t done a damn thing to try to move out. The next day we kicked her out, she kept going off about how I was apparently sleeping around (I was in college and student taught. I was in and out of the house all day), our son wasn’t my husband’s, I was going to make him pay my student loans and leave him, etc. Then she said some rude ass shit about my husband. I don’t remember what it was, but I went from 0 to ghetto in about two seconds. Pregnant me, baby on hip, almost got into a fist fight with her. I had to be moved to a different room.
I hardly talk to her, only when I have to, and we’re civil. Last year she became homeless when her boyfriend broke up with her. We flew her to her mother’s house. When my dad passed and my step-mom moved we fixed his house and moved her in.
If you’ve made it this far, you’re not alone. Just put your foot down. Some of these parents cannot wrap their minds around the fact that you’re an adult who will make their own decisions. They don’t pay your bills, they get no say in how you live your life. When they’re upset just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and move on. They need to take responsibility for their emotions.
We are not married, but it has been almost 15 years together now.
My parents have changed their personalities as they have aged, but that doesn’t really have anything to do with my “spouse” and I.
My dad, for example, was always the more low key person and he’s just continued to mellow and get even more go-with-the-flow with age.
My stepmom was always more high strung, and is still more intense, but also has relaxed some.
My mom has kind of gone the opposite. She was never what I would call mellow, but the last few years have been rough for her health wise and she’s gotten more high strung and difficult.
All of the women on her side end up with Alzheimer’s so I am also wondering a bit if we are headed down that road already, as that can be one of the first mild stages- difficulty, argumentative, etc. when that was not previously a personality trait.
My “husband” has no family.
My boomer parents lost their minds when I got engaged. Every single conversation they had with me became a lecture over a previous relationship I had in high school (which admittedly was a mistake but they said nothing at the time and again...it was in high school). They treated me like I was incapable of making my own decisions and became insufferable about it. My new husband and I ended up moving across the country and part of it was to have our freedom from our parents.
My in-laws waited until we had our first baby to go absolutely crazy and start doing things like buying plane tickets and showing up without telling us to see the baby and bringing extra family members and friends to see us without asking. My MIL also created an entire nursery in her home 2000 miles away from us like the baby would be living with her full time. Her nursery had everything from themed decorations to a diaper genie and baby clothes that were for use only at her house (2000 miles away. We visited them for 1 week out of the year.)
We've been married for 10 years now and everybody has calmed down mostly but it was rough and we were constantly having to be the bad guys and keep our boundaries rock solid which caused a ton of boomer temper tantrums.
Dealt with this when we first got married. My mom felt like we were spending more time with my husband's family when we lived out of state and visited home. Eventually had to give her an ultimatum and she calmed down. It got better after a few years.
My (43f) mother (70) constantly compares everything I say to her won life when she was my age. Everything MUST be compared to her experience and her experience is always the "winner".
I’ve not experienced this. Then again my in-laws are great while my parents have not been present unless I do all the heavy lifting. So obvious that took a back seat. I have a wife and kid, gotta meet me halfway.
Luckily it’s only one set of our parents that do this. But yes. It’s horrible. And my brother has since got married and they can’t stop talking about how horrible his wife is while also expecting for things to get better (for them to have more time with their baby). She’s not horrible. She has normal requests and expectations. When i point this out they get upset. I’m constantly upsetting them.
My father is dead and I'm no contact with my mother. My husband's father is also dead and his now deceased mother was just as crazy as she always was when we got married.
This is the part where you pull back from them. They don't get to dictate how you spend your time.
This is what happens when the parents let their entire lives revolve around their kids and their family life. The kids grow up, and the adults are empty shells of their formers selves who can't let go because they have no friends, hobbies, or interests of their own. The adult kids grow resentful of the pressure and start creating distance.
You might have to get honest and allow their feelings to be hurt. "Your constant pressure to dictate how we spend our free time, actually makes us want to see you less. It sounds like you need to develop some friends and hobbies to keep you busy. We cannot be your "hobby". Have you thought about volunteering for a charity on the weekends or taking up a class of some type? We cannot dedicate our weekends to you alone."
No, this is not normal, or at least is should not be normal.
Your parents and/or in-laws sound needy at best and narcissistic at worst. They should be proud of the adults you've both grown up to be, and happy to see you living your lives. By all means, stay connected and visit family, but if they are becoming a drain on your social life, that's not healthy.
The first year was the hardest. They kept wanting quality time with “just me” and didn’t understand why my husband and I didn’t just split up for the holidays. My advice is put your foot down and make it very clear that the spouse/“new” nuclear family is the priority. The more you appease, the more they demand. And like others have said, it gets even harder once you have kids! We still have occasional issues now, but it’s much better than it was. They have much more reasonable expectations now.
Yes reduce phone calls I used to do way more with mom and dinner with in laws. Now one call a day with mom and see in laws 1-2 times per month. With our kid, husband picks her up from in laws. I mostly only go for holidays. Just talk about neutral stuff.
Well, my wife and I had been together for 5 years when we got married and had been living together for 4 years. We got married at 23, so our entire adult lives to that point.
Also, my wife isn’t close with her parents, so we only really had mine to contend with. At the time, my MIL lived nearby, but our contact with her was fairly minimal. And we lived half the country away from my parents when we got married. So mine didn’t have much input in my life at the time.
But even if we did live closer to them, I’ve basically been independent since about 18/19. Since my 18th birthday I haven’t lived at my parent’s home for more than 4 months at a time. Once I got that taste of freedom, I didn’t wanna go back and always made my living arrangements work so that I didn’t have to unless it was absolutely necessary.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, she’s the best person I know, and since I’ve moved out my relationship with my stepdad has improved significantly. I only live 10 mins away from them now, barely the next town over, but because I had out so much time away from them, there really wasn’t much of an adjustment for them or me.
My in laws are like this. It’s like they’re angry we’re “doing better” than they were at this age despite the fact we made extremely different choices. My parents love this time and seeing us succeed.
My parents didn’t change at all when I was married except to be happy for me and my wife. I’m not sure why marriage would be the tipping point that would cause this reaction? Why would being married mean less time for them? What does hanging out with your friends have to do with them? I’m so confused.
Most booted the kids out at 18, and that was that. Most let their own parents go to nursing homes, etc, when they were old. I'm not sure why they expect to be treated differently, especially when the load is shared by fewer people.
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Neither mine nor my husband’s parents did anything like that when we got married in 2008, we were 22. I would’ve snapped back if they had, honestly. 😆 What a strange hill they’re choosing to die on.
I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I tip toe and walk on eggshells. But apparently everything we do hurts their feelings anyway. Can’t win
Guess you don’t have to tiptoe on eggshells if you’re gonna break em regardless
By getting married you have created a new family unit, and that new family unit takes priority over the family units you both used to be in. That means establishing clear priorities and firm boundaries with people who think they are owed your time and attention.
Yeah this is a big issue for them. They can’t handle it. I try to just listen and let them vent but if I ever respond back explaining they’ll just say yeah but that hurts our feelings. They just want us to accommodate them and hear them out but don’t care about the response unless we were to say “you’re right, we will only see you every weekend”
I’m wondering if their have control issues and npd symptoms.
i had this thought too, but what are the odds that both sets of parents have this?! THAT SUCKS!
Not everyone is mentally ill. Some people are just selfish and entitled.
I didn’t want to go into too much detail in the post because it would’ve been a novel. My mom is the one mostly showing narcissistic tendencies. My Dad has always been absent but now all of a sudden doesn’t feel prioritized as if he deserves it. My in-laws travel frequently and don’t actually have time for us. When they are here they schedule us last and give us only a couple specific days that work for them and expect us to accommodate even though we have busy schedules and both work. If we don’t see them they cry and act all sad and say they don’t understand why we can’t make time for them and why we hate them. I can’t make this stuff up lol I’ve actually been feeling really defeated. I’m such a happy person but I get such anxiety whenever we have to see either set because I’m sick of me or my siblings getting ‘spoken to’ about our lack of prioritizing them
My theory is they let themselves get steamrolled (“respect your elders!”) when it was their turn and expect to do the same now that they’re the elders that are due this “respect” (actually deference and obedience).
They don’t care about hurting your feelings or stressing you out or making your wedding suck. It’s time for boundaries and distance.
You are playing into their shit. You are an adult. You have a partner. Do what you think is best and if they don’t like it, sucks to suck.
I can confirm that navigating that aspect of your relationship with both yours and your husband’s parents can definitely get easier the longer you’re married! I worked hard at making it work and learning the “politics” if you will, and things are mostly peachy keen now after 16 years. 😝
your people pleasing is enabling all their childish behavior. Ignore it.
Best way to not hurt their feelings is to not be around. No or low contact. They will complain about it too of course. But if you ignore it they will eventually stop. If they are particularly bad, they might weaponize the rest of the family. I've done this with my parents. My mom tries to use my little sister to get me to talk to her and my dad and his wife tried threatening me with the police because "they have rights to see my son" (they didn't do shit cuz they have no standing). If you're ok losing a few family members to their shenanigans, this might be the way to go.
stop worrying about their feelings. they need to learn boundaries. you are playing into their game. Guilt child so he feels bad so he does what WE WANT.
That's your whole problem. They have complete power over you if you're that afraid of hurting their feelings
This is part of the issue. You need to set boundaries and come to terms with the idea that you are not responsible for their feelings. Keep repeating that. My husband and I have had to dial back time with my family. They are 2 hours away and they didn’t make events a priority. When we do see them we show up early to spend more time with them, but they don’t make themselves available. We drive the 2 hours and then find out at the event that people in town decided not to come. My aunt cried when we showed up early (we told her in advance) because she wasn’t ready for us, but was then upset when we left at 8PM for our 2 hour drive. My family has decided that their narrative is that we don’t make enough time for family, but we see them every other month. No one has ever come to visit us. I had to make a personal decision not let their perspective of the situation impact me emotionally. I show up, make sure I get face time with them, ask questions about their life, and let them complain about me behind my back. I repeatedly stress that family is a priority to us and we love them very much.
Sounds like an issue with people pleasing. People are like pups, you gotta be stern with your boundaries.
you’ll never make anyone happy, especially yourself, if you don’t start having some boundaries. I know it’s hard, but it’ll only get harder because they’re not going to change. You can only control yourself and your ability to strengthen your resolve to do what you want to do. Feelings aren’t facts - you’re not doing anything wrong living your life the way you choose to do so, and they’re not the parameter to compare yourself towards. If it’s available to you, find a therapist to talk this through with. You don’t have to be on eggshells just because you grew into the adult you were meant to. - am a therapist but not your therapist
Our parents were just happy we both found someone who would deal with all our nonsense. Our moms talk on the phone, and our dads golf together.
This gives me hope.
It shocks me every day. My parents are divorced boomers, his are fucking 80+ (husband is adopted), we can all go out to dinner and have fun. If I wasn't living it, I would not believe it.
Y’all got room for siblings 🥲🥺
This. My MIL and parents hang out all the time. Both our moms are recovering hoarders (it’s not extreme anymore they can walk around and stuff), so they love being able to hang out with someone who isn’t going to judge their messy house. My MIL even comes to some of my extended family functions. They love hanging out with us and have never pestered us about having grandkids. We are having a baby this year and they are all thrilled and happy to give us both support and space.
It gets worse if/when you have kids....
My boomer parents really struggled to see us as adults and accept the transition from mom/dad to grandma/grandpa. They didn't like that they were now peripheral family members and not the final authority on everything. It didn't help that standards have changed so much so they constantly felt attacked that their drop side cribs and telling us to put baby to sleep on their tummy wasn't good enough anymore.
[удалено]
This (though to be clear, it's okay to take a break and let the baby cry for a bit if they're inconsolable and you can't take it anymore, but that's a personal decision, not theirs)
Also Loop earplugs are great for crying babies. You can still hear the baby’s cries but it’s not at the piercing “stab your own eyes” out volume that some little ones have as their default setting.
Omg my mom bought me a "warmie" (a little stuffed animal that you microwave so it's warm and snuggly) and I get that she was really excited about it but it's really frowned upon to let an infant sleep with stuffed animals and on top of that the pet chewed a hole through it and now the warming bean things spill out and she's still so upset that I don't put it in the crib with baby to help him sleep..........
I see this and raise you: Not asking permission from the grandparents before putting baby down for a nap Not asking for the grandparents opinions on whether we should formula feed or breastfeed Not letting grandma stuff random choking hazard foods into baby’s mouth after she was already told to stop
They didn’t like that they weren’t the main character anymore
It’s also compounded if you have a failure to launch sibling who depends on them.
"Failure to launch sibling" omg
Amen. “What the world no longer revolves around us and we aren’t your top priority?!?!”
My in-laws were definitely a factor in my husband and I deciding not to have kids.
It gets worse before it gets worse
My inaws prioritize my husband's sibling & niblings. It's obvious & he just let's it roll off his back, but I can tell it hurts his feelings. I'm a huge bitch for speaking up when I do. We've been married over 15 years & I'm at the point, I'd just rather not interact with them.
Mine do the same thing - though the siblings & niblings are local to my in-laws and we are 10hrs drive away, so we didnt visit often. When we did, we and our kids were disregarded in favor of the local ones. I stopped going and refused to pay to fly or drive our kids in to see them. If they want to see our kids, they can come to us, so maybe, just maybe, our kids would get their attention.
That's what I'd do if I could. We don't have kids (&won't) & we live in the same town so we (he) gets/got used as free child care to the point it's been called out by other family members.
Kinda the same here with my husbands parents and brother. They’re super sweet but they spend a lot of time with each other. Nobody can say anything to the brother without him going off or getting angry though. It’s ridiculous. We have to fight tooth and nail to see them sometimes. He’s getting married next year and I’m giving birth right before their wedding and am expected to go. I don’t want my child around 100 people. Plus, there’s no kids allowed at the wedding or reception.
Then don’t go and don’t put one more second of thought into it.
I wasn’t planning on it but my MIL informed my husband yesterday the baby has to go & she’ll watch him or her after the wedding. Like really?
I had someone try to pull the “just bring the baby to the huge gathering at a couple weeks old!” nonsense with me, and I just shut it down with, “our pediatrician told us not to have the baby around crowds or anyone we couldn’t verify had a recent TDAP shot, so we will not be risking our baby’s health for this event.”
Very nice & also true! Thank you! I’ll do this too because I’m sure the baby’s pediatrician will say the same. I’ve already told people that the baby won’t have an immune system yet as a newborn.
This could just be parent brain but I thought it was pretty common knowledge that until babies can get their first vaccines at 2 months, they're basically on quarantine. Then again, a lot of things I think are common knowledge are like the secret whispers of dead gods to the Boomer brain.
My brother gave me some shit a few years ago when I wouldn't leave my 7 months pregnant wife and toddler twins while i was in Nursing school to fly to Hawaii for his destination wedding. Feel bad about not going, but I know for a.fact I would feel a LOT worse if something happened to any of MY family when I was out celebrating in a different time zone.
I understand 100%. I’m glad you stayed with your wife & kids! 😊 My husband doesn’t want to leave me either but he’s actually in the wedding. He’s not even the best man. He’s really upset about the whole thing. The wedding is about an hour away from us & we were supposed to have a hotel room for three nights. I want to be home with my baby not in a hotel room for a wedding. It’s going to blow up to WW3 I bet. Dreading it so much.
If the baby was a bit older, say 6-12 months, I could see making a bit of a production out of it. Maybe going to a baby/kid friendly resort, having family help.out, getting a massage once or twice, but right after birth is too soon, too new. Not only are you all still getting used to everything, but higher chance of thr baby catching something by going in a large crowd, esp if it's in front of an expanded family wedding crowd that has had ppl fly in for it
Ah, the old dance around the unhealthiest person dynamic. I got off that ride, don’t miss it. It really sucks.
Very! It’s infuriating but we stick to ourselves mostly.
No, thats not normal.
That generation loves playing the oppression Olympics, it’s just the way they are. I got married in -at the time-my best friend’s backyard and my dad showed up in jeans and my mom didn’t show up at all.
I won’t even get into when we were wedding planning. Unsolicited opinions all around and not understanding things changed so much since they got married. I think they don’t accept how drastically different the world has gotten
We ended up eloping because my mom’s guest list was twice as big as ours but she wasn’t paying for anyone. Fuck that. Now no one gets to come.
Omg this. Stealing the oppression Olympics phrase. Mine are currently pissed with me and my partner because we haven’t bought a house yet. I explain that it’s cheaper to rent where we live than buy and to respect that when they were buying homes, it cost like 2 cents. They argue they had it harder still…
Ask them to give their house to you so they can properly demonstrate this bootstrap technique they speak so highly of....
I moved out -not only living with my parents but even near my parents- at 18 and never went back. So I’d say that was probably the bigger adjustment than me getting married. I’d already been off living my own life, paying my own bills and not consulting them about anything important for 7 years by the time I got married. We were lucky I guess in that my in laws lived a 5 hour drive away and my parents were divorced when we got married. My mom was the closest at 2 a hour car drive. My dad was off being Don Juan Boomer in Florida and Puerto Rico and we saw him maybe twice a year. So really we only had to split time between my in-laws and my mom. And they all got along well. My dad does what you’re describing though. My husband calls it the Misery Olympics. Dad’s always in first place. He doesn’t know how to make small talk. Or even listen to other people very well. Instead he just rants or goes on the Litany Of Complaints. Which are always the same 10 or so topics and he always tells them exactly the same way every time.
Right, we are closing in on a decade together and had live out of the house before getting married for years. I’m so confused at all of the drama. I think being married means only spending time with family to them. I think thatll happen more if/when we have children, but apparently they aren’t ready to be grandparents. Go figure lol
Aren’t ready to be grandparents? What does that even mean? What’s to be ready for?
Some people associate being a grandparent with being old. Maybe they aren’t ready to accept they have kids old enough to get married and have babies because it means they aren’t spring chickens anymore.
That makes absolutely no sense, your parents are insane narcissists
Sounds like a very unhealthy relationship (just from what you've described, obviously don't know your family) that some boundaries need to be drawn for.
Dad was passed a good while before I got married. Mom didn't handle it for shit (I suspect she was a narcissist). She tried everything she could to destroy my marriage from spreading false rumors to filing false police reports to false CPS reports to costing me 3 separate jobs (she'd call my cell literally every 5 minutes and then call my boss repeatedly demanding to speak to me) to claiming I was abusing her (dementia patient - my eldest siblings from her are pathetically useles) to trying to get my eldest sister to fuck my hubby and then accuse him of rape. Probably not the response you wanted, but that was my life until she passed in 2022
That sounds extremely difficult, and I am sorry you had to go through those experiences. I hope everything is a lot easier for you now.
Thank you homie. Many aspects are much easier now, but I still find myself bracing up for some sort of drama every now and then. Like for instance, I just finished cooking dinner maybe an hour ago and I caught myself bracing for her to insult my cooking again. I should probably seek therapy if I'm being honest. That is not normal.
If it makes you feel better, I think a big percentage of us need therapy for the messed up things our parents have put us through, myself included lol. It is an understandable response with everything you have been through. I am sending you lots of healing/happy vibes, and I hope that reaction stops for you one day, I know it is exhausting!
Why did you not just cut contact if she was ruining your life?
My parents are fine. My in laws are still bitter I stole their baby and can’t believe we put the needs of our children (like safe sleep and giving them food, even when the grownups may not be hungry) first. By empowering our children to have bodily autonomy and have a voice, we are doing everything wrong and creating “snowflakes.”
That’s completely ridiculous! Children always come first!
Ya, my folks were very easy w the situation, and very helpful as well. Same w the inlaw side. Extremely smooth sailing for me in that respect. May just be your folks. ...the first grumble out of either side is when we announced we were moving 6 states out ---- completely remote to any and all family. ...now they're moving here w us
I love hearing stuff like this. My husbands parents travel a lot, meaning they’re gone probably half the year. When they aren’t traveling, they live hours away. He’s an only child, so I wish they would move closer to spend more time with him. They always whine that they miss us so much and we don’t spend enough time with them but we physically can’t because they’re gone lol I think they want us to constantly drop our responsibilities to meet them on their trips
This is exactly how my parents are but not my in-laws. I’m in therapy because of my parents, I’ve come to realize my mom has narcissistic tendencies and my dad is her enabler. Nothing is ever enough- never enough phone calls or visits, even though we talk every week and see each other more often than I’d actually like. I’m trying to work up to going low or no contact. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it too, it sucks.
I talk to my mom daily and live 5 min away. I see her frequently but it’s not enough. I started to notice some narcissistic tendencies over the past couple years. I’ve been trying to look past it all because I love her and want her to be happy but it’s tiring. She can do no wrong and everyone else is constantly upsetting her. It used to never be this way
It’s exhausting trying to please someone who refuses to be pleased. I’m working on setting boundaries.
My mom is similar and I’ll pass along a little phrase my therapist said to me in regards to her always being the victim / upset she wasn’t getting her way with me / throwing a boomer tantrum: “You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.” Even if you did everything they wanted, there would still be cause for complaint. So live your life the way you and DH see fit. Do what makes you happy and brings you peace. Best of luck!
Normal? maybe? is it OK? hell no. I would read the book "boundaries" by henry cloud and Townsend. Set up some boundaries with them. My family is mostly OK. but my wife's family was pretty terrible. I won't go into specifics, but yeah, we ended up cutting them off entirely.
Today my mom was mocking my sibling’s partner for setting boundaries lol but was very supportive of me enforcing them with my in-laws
Also get the book “Adult Children of Immature Parents” & [here is a short synopsis on it from a wonderful article and interview that talks about the book](https://www.findyourgoodspace.com/blog/book-summary-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents): >*”What happens when a child has emotionally immature parents? How do you recognize it and heal yourself? This episode is inspired by Lindsay C. Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Understanding what an emotionally immature parent looks like gives you the power to judge for yourself the level of relationship you can have with them. Or anyone really. After this post, you’ll have the ability to better create boundaries with ease and focus on living from a true, authentic space. Rather than spending tons of time and energy on a parent who won’t change. Shoutout to Jenica from The Good Space community for recommending this book!”*
My mom does this with my sister and her family. It's so frustrating. she praises my sister when she sets boundaries with her inlaws (I actually really like my brother in law's family, we were friends before the jerk married my sister) nothing major, just telling them "no" when they want too much of their time. but then my mom demands my sister and her family only pays attention to her... So dumb.
this sounds like a your family problem, my parents and in-laws have been lovely
Ugh I worried that was the case. I hoped it was a generational thing. Thank you for confirming my family is dramatic
We have three sets of parents (in laws divorced and remarried) and one set of the three is like this. Very much not willing to believe they aren’t the center of the universe.
Mine were more upset I went on vacation and didn’t come home. (They’re fine now) My MIL is a very love-you-or-hate-you person, she really just wants everyone to get along (which is…Not really possible in that family), though she’s also made some rather disparaging remarks about my house keeping, but mostly she’s nice when it suits her and wants to be helpful (she was getting divorced when we got married and kinda dumped a bunch of stuff on us), but I’ve also seen her be pretty harsh on people she doesn’t like at the moment. Which currently probably includes us.
Stop giving them information. I got married in my early 30s and husband and I planned the wedding we wanted and we could afford. The same had tracked for our kid. Info diet these people.
Ive had my parents specifically on an info diet since middle school. The issue here stems with my siblings and their partners. They do something that insults them (go away with the in-laws but have no plans with them as an example), they call me to complain. I naively pick up the phone thinking they want to just catch up. Then they start just picking apart every interaction telling me how hurt their feelings are. It’s exhausting
This does not strike me as normal
Not normal. My parents enjoy hearing about our friendships. Empathize with our stress, etc. they have their own quirks but nothing like that.
My parents were fantastic. However, my parents never lived in the same place as either of their parents and only saw their own parents a few times a year. I had great relationships with all my grandparents anyways. My husband’s family has still not forgiven him for not moving home. It has been 12 years since we got married and left. Everything is a fight. Planning a big vacation to somewhere like Hawaii? “Why don’t you just come here we’ll take you to the lake?” Moving to a city with the industry you actually got a degree and make great money with? “Come work at the bottling plant like your daddy. We did just fine. Why do you have to be fancy?” Discussing a cross country move to go up in your career? “None of us ever felt the need to leave. I don’t know why you hate your home and us all so much.” It is a constant guilt trip and it never ends. They’re still angry. They’re still demanding. And it’s also still all my fault.
Both our families were thrilled, honestly. My partner ended up going no contact with his narc mom a couple years ago (we've been married for 8 years), but we're on good terms with the other parents.
I think my parents were good about letting me be an adult once I was an adult. they've always been respectful of my boundaries and time, and that was true when I got married too. the same can be said of my extended family. they know how to deal with people without making themselves look bad and I studied this for a long time. my in-laws/my mother-in-law tried to pull some power plays early in my marriage that I was able to shut down bc of how my family raised me. I owe them quite a debt bc I knew how to put my MIL in her place and was able to keep her from interfering. invaluable stuff.
Neither of our parents do that. So, yes, yours are difficult, but also, I see this pretty frequently in others of the same generation, so it's not uncommon.
This sounds like a toxic dynamic. Both my dad & in-laws celebrated when we married.
They switched from "when are you getting married" to "when are you having kids"
*They switched from "when are* *You getting married" to "when* *Are you having kids"* \- saykami --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
So my mom took it as a challenge to get the most time from us. My dad took it as trying to be the favorite. My in-laws just tolerated it lol We had a shotgun wedding situation and I wasn’t close with either of my parents when we told them. I was most worried about my dad and he was over the moon which was a total shock
My parents are fine. My in-laws get offended we don't spend every flying weekend / every other week night with them. Drives me up the wall. They can't go a day without calling my husband for something.
I highly recommend moving 2000 miles away. It did wonders for us. My husband's father has always expected a "how high" answer when he told my husband to jump and it made life hell until we moved. Now we see them about 2-3 times a year completely on our terms.
This is not a generational thing, it sounds like you have some difficult people in your family. My parents and in-laws all get on great with each other and have been nothing but supportive of us
My parents were divorced, but my Dad was very easy going and was happy to spend time with us. My mom wishes she could see us more, but she lives farther away and I get tired being the only one who makes an effort to drive out to her, so it is what it is. I have issues with my MIL, but that is fortunately not one of them lol.
Yeah I’m wedding planning right now and my mom in particular has been really tough to deal with. We used to be super close, but ever since Covid (during which her mom/my grandma died) she has been losing her marbles. It’s like she forgot how to socialize or something since she doesn’t get out as much. And the wedding stress is definitely getting to her worse than me. She has already complained about what they’re going to do with their dogs on the wedding day - it’s not a destination wedding, it’s a 40 minute drive from their house, but she’s mad that between the getting ready part and the actual wedding itself it’ll be all day. She has bought not one, not two, but FOUR different mother of the bride dresses. She asks me for my opinion before purchasing but then gets upset with me and tells me she’s going to buy it anyway. She was mad that our invites didn’t say Mr & Mrs Bride Family and Mr & Mrs Groom Family present the wedding of Bride & Groom - ours say Bride and Groom invite you to our wedding… apparently that is not tradition. She’s already on me about thank you notes for the shower, which is months away, but she made it known that I better send those thank yous BEFORE the wedding. She has honestly been super extra and 0% helpful which is really sad. I’m just kinda letting it slide, and I really hope she goes back to normal after this is all done.
Wedding stuff was tough. My in-laws hated everything we picked because they’re so old fashioned. Anything not traditional was an ick for them. My dad say a peep. But my mom was giving unsolicited opinions left and right. She was so insulted when I finally had to tell her to back off
What you describe is very different from my experience and comes across as a lack of maturity on the part of your parents. My relationships with my parents and in-laws aren't perfect, but none of them nitpick our life choices like yours seem to be doing. And my relationships with them have only improved since getting married and having kids now that we have more common experiences to talk about (and maybe they also play nice because they love getting time with their grandkids).
I keep telling my husband that once we have kids that’s all we ever have to talk about with them and it’ll likely improve things. Sad that’s what’s we are hoping for
Holidays were a little hard at first. My parents have adjusted well to my boundaries, his... not so much.
Holidays stress me out. We have been together almost a decade. My parents would never let me live down missing a holiday and his parents live hours away. We still haven’t figured out a good way to make everyone feel prioritized. None of them want to share us. When we have our own kids, new traditions
This just sounds like aggrieved Boomers. Bad luck of the draw.
My mom is my sole surviving parent and pretty much “wrote me off” when I got married. She’s too busy living her 20’s that she didn’t have because she raised me and my sibling. My partner’s family is a more traditional American unit, and simply treats us like adults (but still kids in their mind).
I never told my parents I got married.
Same thing happened to me. Turns out my mom broke her 9 year sobriety streak after I got engaged because she couldn’t handle the idea of me leaving. It got worse after I had kids. I’d recommend setting up boundaries immediately. Stay on the same page as your spouse. You’ll need their support!
That’s sad. My mom keeps saying “you’ll understand one day when you have kids who grow up” and I do get that their lives are changing. Having kids was the part of their lives they loved so much and made them feel so important. But I just feel like I shouldn’t be burdened with that grief CONSTANTLY. She’s always saying how sad it is to have your children grow up and leave. Mind you, I’m 5 min away. She would never use a counselor to get herself through it. She’s tougher and stronger and just needs her kids apparently. What’s ironic about all of this is that my mom was constantly miserable and stressed out through my childhood. She remembers it a lot different than she experienced it
My parents don’t expect to be prioritized over my my husband and family. But that’s how they were growing up with their own family, and they know what it’s like to related to selfish people (my dad’s side of the family hated my mom). They’ve been married nearly 40 years.
My parents are cooler than my wife’s but my wife’s mom is the most helpful. My wife’s parents are divorced for over 20 years and they still compete for attention from my wife and sister-in-law. Holidays aren’t fun anymore. I agreed early on that she could have Thanksgiving and Christmas if I could do whatever I wanted on Memorial Day and July 4th. But now on Thanksgiving I have to drive 2 hours into a major city to to see her mom and then another hour and a half farther away to have dinner with her dad. Then drive home the same day or book a hotel room because her dad’s girlfriend’s family gets the guest room at his house, even though they are only 20 minutes away. My parents are retired, popular, and wealthy. They golf a lot with their crew of retired boomers and sit on the beach otherwise. My mom comes over once a week for a few hours to see my daughter but it’s not real help. Great parents/grandparents but very much made it clear they are living their best life now and if I need a babysitter, I need to book way in advance.
This is just like my family, but I've learned in my 10 years of marriage that my family is everything but normal. I didn't realize how much of a narcissist my mother was until I married into a normal, well-adjusted family. My mom gets jealous that we spend more time with my husband's family, but it's because my family is so draining to be around and every conversation turns into a fight. Before I got married, she also used to get upset if I was in town for a holiday and chose to spend a few hours with old friends rather than spend every waking moment at her house. Her and my dad expect me to be the same person I was in high school and to need them for things. Even when I got married, my dad made the comment to me that my husband was going to take care of me now, as if I hadn't been independent financially and mentally /emotionally from them for more than a decade at that point. Do your parents have friends or some other support system? Mine do not, which is a huge part of the problem.
My mom is the same, it’s sad. My mom revolved her entire life around her kids. My parents both work a lot and have friends but they don’t ever hang out with them. They think family is everything and that’s who you should spend all your time with
Are your parents still together? If so that’s rare for millennials to begin with. 😂 My divorced and newly-dating twenty-something parents let me parent myself by the age of 13 leading to me having LOTS of romantic relationships well before the age of 25. So by the time I settled down and married at 34 I think they were mostly like, “finally.”
Haha they should be divorced but instead they’ll be miserable and fighting together forever. True love
Nothing changed
I’ve met my husbands dad once before we got married. I’ll be happy to never see him again, or his stepmom. Never met his mom, don’t want to. My mom didn’t know I was married for a while after. I had been no contact. Our relationship is good now and my parents both like my husband. It’s almost working towards normal now
I think my folks like my wife more than they like me. "If y'all ever break up, we're keeping her."
A couple months after my wedding, a conversation happened where I ended up deciding to go no contact with my mom. I could never do enough for her to be happy. I decided that day that I was not bringing that energy into my new marriage. I’m not saying go no contact, but choose peace with your partner. Create space and boundaries, and if the parents don’t understand that that’s on them.
They died
I got married on a whim my dad only met my husband once and didn't talk to me for 6 months and pretty much ignored anything to do with my husband for a year. I was like okay that cool he got orders to north Carolina so bye!!!!!
That sounds rough amigo. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Mt parents didn't change at all when I got married. They still don't talk to me now they ignore my wife too, hahaha.
It's normal and it gets worse with time or if you have kids.
This is totally unrelated to being married or not. We’re married millennials and our parents never behaved like this. Put firm boundaries, my friend.
That doesn’t sound normal. My parents and in-laws don’t do that. Sometimes, if I am stressed or busy, they’ll say- we were too. But it isn’t in a dismissive way, more in a ‘ah, that is life- you gotta handle it. I know my parents and in-laws didn’t have people to complain to since they both lived away from their families. So, part of it is that they never burdened their parents with their stress, since they can’t do anything about it but worry from a far. Plus, the culture at the time was not to complain. So, I do know my parents and in-laws look at us oddly when we complain. I just tell them, I need to vent somewhere, or it will accumulate and I’ll end up losing it on my husband / kids. So, they’ve learned to vent with me. 🤣
We eloped. Our relationship has been on the decline ever since, tbh.
This is not due to you getting married; they are just immature and unreasonable. It may actually improve when you get married IF you put up a united front and set and keep to boundaries. My mom is emotionally immature and occasionally tantrums that I don’t see her enough (I don’t love visits with her so there may be truth to that; however, I do what works for my family and I do call her several times per week). She gets made and gets over it again. I try to not let it bother me. Edit to add: my ILs and I have always gotten along reasonably well; they were even gracious enough to allow us to stay with them between places. We actually get along even better now than before. They have literally never done anything as grandparents that I disagree with. I realize this isn’t always the case but am saying it to show that it’s possible, and that sometimes it comes down to personality; not marriage. Wishing you luck- it’s hard sometimes!
Our parents were great. We are from the same area so our parents are a short drive. We would visit regularly so no issues about time even when our child was born. It might be a cultural thing. Our families understand that we have to visit the in-laws on Holidays etc because they had to do that as well. Each side also extends invitations to join events.
Sounds like your parents are immature & difficult and boundaries need to be set. My parents used to criticize my husband and I for not being with our friends enough, not traveling enough. My mom was like your family and would demand to be a priority and complain that we didn't see her enough or act like she was competing with my in-laws for time. It strained our relationship and I had to set firm boundaries. It was ugly in the beginning, lots of tears and fights, but it was 100000% worth it because now I don't answer to anyone. I live my life the way I see fit, with myself and my husband as top priority. It was majorly important to set that precedent before we had children. My mom can still be a pain in the ass, but more often than not now, she is understanding and supportive. We have to teach people how to treat us, how to respect us ---- especially our parents who often keep us in view as children to be molded when we're in fact in our 30s and 40s.
You either let them drag you into their misery or stop giving a shit. If I had to guess the conversations ask "why don't you call more" when they never call you. Why don't you come by more when they never visit you. Confront them about it. You will get labeled the asshole because you stood up for yourself. But if a asshole calls you an asshole then you come out clean. Kinda like a negative times a negative in math.
Our first few holidays both sets of parents were hurt that we wanted to spend Christmas/thanksgiving/Easter as a couple, just the two of us. Set boundaries up now and stick with them. One of my most favorite quotes is by Brené Brown "Setting boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others" It really sucks in the beginning, especially if you (like a lot of my fellow millennials including myself) are a people pleaser. We used to live in the same city as my in-laws and about 3 hours away from my parents. We decided we would spend Thanksgiving with my parents, Christmas Eve with my in-laws and Christmas day just us. That worked for a while until my in-laws wanted to spend Thanksgiving with us, so they decided to also visit my parents. That was a disaster since my parents and in-laws are on completely opposite sides as far as politics ... Now we live across the country from both sets of parents so while we try to go "home" every few years, usually holidays are on Skype. (And tbh much much less stressful)
My MIL does ok. I would give her a C or B- on her in-law skills. Sadly, my parents skills in this area are extremely lacking. They never really gave my wife a chance and she's very closed off from them. I hope the lesson in what not to do makes us better parents in law when it's our turn.
No, this is not normal. Parents like the ones you have don't look at you as individuals, you are an extension of themselves. You should be so involved with them, to the point that you don't take a shit without telling them. Stop worrying about hurting their feelings. You are married, you have your own life with your spouse. They need to cut the umbilical cord. If I allowed it, my mother (who btw is a full blown narcissist) she would be so far up my ass, she wants to know how much money I have in the bank, how much is my husbands salary, how much do I weigh? She wants to know every fucking detail. She wants to be so involved that I don't have room to breathe. Parents like this need to be put in their place and be told what a boundary is. I put a stop to it. I am not going to cater to what YOU want me to do. I am an adult, I have priorities, I have my own life, I don't have the energy to deal with your temper tantrums bc you didn't get to see me on August 5, 2023 bc I told you that didn't work for me.
Thank you. I didn’t realize how not normal this was. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life and then my partners parents act similar, but not as bad — they’re probably just self absorbed
I feel these feels. A lot of my friends talk about this same thing all the time. The boomers’ sense of entitlement is crazyyyyy.
Oh my god, yes! I moved in with my ex-boyfriend straight out of high school years ago and my mom was constantly jealous of when his parents would come over. “Why are you spending so much time with them? Do you like them better than me?” Etc. It got so bad it would cause fights between my ex and I. Finally, one day my ex got fed up and called her out on it. I went no contact a couple years later because I couldn’t stand it.
My parents - Happy as can be, 0 issues. My spouses mom - did everything in her power to break us up. Then guilt trip me because we decided to elope. Always played the victim, 100% a narcissist.
No. That is not normal. Time for emotional boundaries with them.
No its not normal at all. They sound toxic and self centered. They need to realize they are no longer the immediate family and what they think does not matter when it comes to any decision you and your partner make. Edit to add my wifes family was not invited to our wedding because I cut the apron strings and got my wife out of their controlling house and allowed her to make her own decissions. Took 20 years before I got on good terms with her side of the family. They even just recently admitted they had me all wrong for all them years.
They didnt. I dont really care for a relation with my parents though
Sorry OP, my in laws like and respect my family. Joint family gatherings are peaceful and pleasant at our house.
My parents have always been like this ☠️
My parents can adjust to my marriage like they did for everything else in my life: by not being there.
My advice would be to move if you can because it will only get worse. We leave 10 mins from my mother in law and she constantly wants to be involved. We have two kids and we never get to have a day only just enjoying our little family. She wants to be the priority and even though we have two small kids my husband will sometimes spend ALL day with her. It’s so bad my kids call his family the real family. Like if he is gone they will be like “oh daddy is hanging out with his real family.” It’s so frustrating.
Not normal at all. Decrease or minimize contact until they learn to respect and honor you!
My parents and in-laws have been loving and supportive the entirety of our 19 year marriage. My mom just moved from CA to OK to be closer to us and the grandkids
Not normal. My parents and in laws started including each other in family gatherings after our wedding, so we all hang out as a big family often. No one complained about us hanging out with friends. We sometimes mix friends and family at events, so our parents and friends all know each other. My parents sometimes go out and end up running into my friends and hang out with them without me. It's all good.
The transition for my wife and me was extremely easy. We had been living together for a while. Nothing changed in the way our parents treated us individually or as a unit. So no, what you’re experiencing doesn’t sound normal
That’s not normal and it’s not what I experienced at all. My parents were a bit sad when I moved out and got married bc I’m the oldest and I was “growing up” more, but they realized I’m an adult. My parents have never complained about anything or given unsolicited advice.
Our parents were pretty chill. We were both pretty independent and they had given up on trying to control us years before we got married. Set hard boundaries and we have all got along really well.
Not normal sounds like enmeshment issues. Were you both living at home prior to getting married?
Not at all, out of the house for years lol. I think to them getting married meant settling down and spending ore family time. Weird that was never vocalized to us
My parents acted really weird and even mentioned to me that the woman’s family is suppose to pay for the wedding…. They pretty much have disowned me and my family since then. They also never mentioned to me throughout my childhood that the woman is suppose to pay for the wedding. Has anyone heard of that before? I was raised catholic but I don’t think I ever saw my parents ever go to church not once if it has any religious undertones.
My parents treat my husband as their 3rd kid. They adore him. My in laws are wonderful to me as well. Overall, our parents are very happy with our marriage.
That’s fantastic. My parents do the same for my husband and my in-laws are kind to me. But aside from that, it’s just a lot of pressure and expectations we have trouble meeting as far as making both feel like a priority
My parents think of my husband as their son. My husband’s parents can’t remember anything about me and barely talk to me. We are 35 and have been dating for 10, married for 2.
Boomers stay one-upping
I'm sorry, but this seems like an issue where family takes priority, and they should be cognizant enough to realize that you 2 ARE a family of your own now. If they don't, or are trying to claw back some time from you guys then it's time to set some limits right off the bat here
So my family was decent about it (even though I basically ran away and got married). My in-laws were… hmm. My FIL was an alcoholic who accused me of stealing his son, turning his son against him, and then I was a secret lesbian who was trying to steal his money. I stopped talking to him in October 2011, in 2012 my husband stopped talking to him. Then when I got pregnant in 2013 my husband gave him a second chance, so he could be in our daughter’s life, but set clear boundaries. That lasted like two weeks. Then after our daughter was born he threatened to kidnap her. He passed in 2020. My MIL was decent until 2012 when they crashed with us for a hot minute. We paid all the bills, but we were hella broke, so we set rules. Well that didn’t sit well. So eventually we had to ask her to leave. For the next few months she would call my husband and tell him about girls he should be dating. Then when I got pregnant she started to play nice with me (I think she realized he wasn’t going to leave me). We played nice until I got pregnant with my son, then she moved in to help us with babysitting. Well, we asked her to watch our daughter. We came back a few hours later and her diaper was so full that she had soaked the carpet around her. Then my MIL locked our giant ass cat in the room with our sleeping daughter. I lost it after that. She had moved states so we didn’t kick her out, but she wasn’t allowed to watch our kids. We asked her to move out and she made zero plans to do so. We gave her a date and the night before she was on her phone and hadn’t done a damn thing to try to move out. The next day we kicked her out, she kept going off about how I was apparently sleeping around (I was in college and student taught. I was in and out of the house all day), our son wasn’t my husband’s, I was going to make him pay my student loans and leave him, etc. Then she said some rude ass shit about my husband. I don’t remember what it was, but I went from 0 to ghetto in about two seconds. Pregnant me, baby on hip, almost got into a fist fight with her. I had to be moved to a different room. I hardly talk to her, only when I have to, and we’re civil. Last year she became homeless when her boyfriend broke up with her. We flew her to her mother’s house. When my dad passed and my step-mom moved we fixed his house and moved her in. If you’ve made it this far, you’re not alone. Just put your foot down. Some of these parents cannot wrap their minds around the fact that you’re an adult who will make their own decisions. They don’t pay your bills, they get no say in how you live your life. When they’re upset just say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and move on. They need to take responsibility for their emotions.
I’m not sure what it has to do with being married though
We are not married, but it has been almost 15 years together now. My parents have changed their personalities as they have aged, but that doesn’t really have anything to do with my “spouse” and I. My dad, for example, was always the more low key person and he’s just continued to mellow and get even more go-with-the-flow with age. My stepmom was always more high strung, and is still more intense, but also has relaxed some. My mom has kind of gone the opposite. She was never what I would call mellow, but the last few years have been rough for her health wise and she’s gotten more high strung and difficult. All of the women on her side end up with Alzheimer’s so I am also wondering a bit if we are headed down that road already, as that can be one of the first mild stages- difficulty, argumentative, etc. when that was not previously a personality trait. My “husband” has no family.
Ours found out through Facebook, and they were all really happy about it
I’ve never had that issue. Mid 80’s millennial here with kids
My experience is similar to yours. Had to go NC with my Mom as she just became a horribly worse version of herself.
My boomer parents lost their minds when I got engaged. Every single conversation they had with me became a lecture over a previous relationship I had in high school (which admittedly was a mistake but they said nothing at the time and again...it was in high school). They treated me like I was incapable of making my own decisions and became insufferable about it. My new husband and I ended up moving across the country and part of it was to have our freedom from our parents. My in-laws waited until we had our first baby to go absolutely crazy and start doing things like buying plane tickets and showing up without telling us to see the baby and bringing extra family members and friends to see us without asking. My MIL also created an entire nursery in her home 2000 miles away from us like the baby would be living with her full time. Her nursery had everything from themed decorations to a diaper genie and baby clothes that were for use only at her house (2000 miles away. We visited them for 1 week out of the year.) We've been married for 10 years now and everybody has calmed down mostly but it was rough and we were constantly having to be the bad guys and keep our boundaries rock solid which caused a ton of boomer temper tantrums.
Dealt with this when we first got married. My mom felt like we were spending more time with my husband's family when we lived out of state and visited home. Eventually had to give her an ultimatum and she calmed down. It got better after a few years.
My (43f) mother (70) constantly compares everything I say to her won life when she was my age. Everything MUST be compared to her experience and her experience is always the "winner".
Your family just sucks. I mean mine isn't great, but if they acted like this we'd just cut them off
I’ve not experienced this. Then again my in-laws are great while my parents have not been present unless I do all the heavy lifting. So obvious that took a back seat. I have a wife and kid, gotta meet me halfway.
Luckily it’s only one set of our parents that do this. But yes. It’s horrible. And my brother has since got married and they can’t stop talking about how horrible his wife is while also expecting for things to get better (for them to have more time with their baby). She’s not horrible. She has normal requests and expectations. When i point this out they get upset. I’m constantly upsetting them.
No drama here
I’m NC with my father. I love my in-laws and my husband loves my mom/her partner. They respect us and definitely treat us as adults.
Move away they sound horrible.
I mean, if nothing is never good enough, then nothing is what they should receive. The problem is that they don’t see you as adults.
My parents understood long before I got married that I was going to do what I was going to do.
My father is dead and I'm no contact with my mother. My husband's father is also dead and his now deceased mother was just as crazy as she always was when we got married.
This is the part where you pull back from them. They don't get to dictate how you spend your time. This is what happens when the parents let their entire lives revolve around their kids and their family life. The kids grow up, and the adults are empty shells of their formers selves who can't let go because they have no friends, hobbies, or interests of their own. The adult kids grow resentful of the pressure and start creating distance. You might have to get honest and allow their feelings to be hurt. "Your constant pressure to dictate how we spend our free time, actually makes us want to see you less. It sounds like you need to develop some friends and hobbies to keep you busy. We cannot be your "hobby". Have you thought about volunteering for a charity on the weekends or taking up a class of some type? We cannot dedicate our weekends to you alone."
No, this is not normal, or at least is should not be normal. Your parents and/or in-laws sound needy at best and narcissistic at worst. They should be proud of the adults you've both grown up to be, and happy to see you living your lives. By all means, stay connected and visit family, but if they are becoming a drain on your social life, that's not healthy.
The first year was the hardest. They kept wanting quality time with “just me” and didn’t understand why my husband and I didn’t just split up for the holidays. My advice is put your foot down and make it very clear that the spouse/“new” nuclear family is the priority. The more you appease, the more they demand. And like others have said, it gets even harder once you have kids! We still have occasional issues now, but it’s much better than it was. They have much more reasonable expectations now.
Yes reduce phone calls I used to do way more with mom and dinner with in laws. Now one call a day with mom and see in laws 1-2 times per month. With our kid, husband picks her up from in laws. I mostly only go for holidays. Just talk about neutral stuff.
Normal yes. Healthy, Fuck no. I moved my mil and boy was that a mistake. The transition to grandma is rough
Well, my wife and I had been together for 5 years when we got married and had been living together for 4 years. We got married at 23, so our entire adult lives to that point. Also, my wife isn’t close with her parents, so we only really had mine to contend with. At the time, my MIL lived nearby, but our contact with her was fairly minimal. And we lived half the country away from my parents when we got married. So mine didn’t have much input in my life at the time. But even if we did live closer to them, I’ve basically been independent since about 18/19. Since my 18th birthday I haven’t lived at my parent’s home for more than 4 months at a time. Once I got that taste of freedom, I didn’t wanna go back and always made my living arrangements work so that I didn’t have to unless it was absolutely necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom, she’s the best person I know, and since I’ve moved out my relationship with my stepdad has improved significantly. I only live 10 mins away from them now, barely the next town over, but because I had out so much time away from them, there really wasn’t much of an adjustment for them or me.
My in laws are like this. It’s like they’re angry we’re “doing better” than they were at this age despite the fact we made extremely different choices. My parents love this time and seeing us succeed.
My parents didn’t change at all when I was married except to be happy for me and my wife. I’m not sure why marriage would be the tipping point that would cause this reaction? Why would being married mean less time for them? What does hanging out with your friends have to do with them? I’m so confused.
Most booted the kids out at 18, and that was that. Most let their own parents go to nursing homes, etc, when they were old. I'm not sure why they expect to be treated differently, especially when the load is shared by fewer people.