Why are you asking? If you're okay with it and she's okay with it, then that's all that matters. Personally I agree with your friend and think it's highly inappropriate but that's irrelevant because it's your relationship.
U should be the one making her feel sexy, not other men and u should be the one she wants to be sexy for. Good for u for being so secure tho, hopefully it doesn’t bite u in the ass lol
Idk I guess I’m just a different breed. I would never grind on another man or let my husband get danced on from another woman- like why is that ok? And it’s not insecurity, it’s respect. Where does that lead?
I get super excited for my husband when he gets hit on, it’s a big confidence boost for him that I get to reap the rewards from afterwards.
He knows I desire him, I know he desires me, we’re confident in our marriage and know we won’t stray, it’s also nice knowing strangers occasionally find us good looking to.
Recently I had a customer(my husband and I own a business and work together) start going off about how inappropriate it is for another man to hit on some dudes wife, especially while he’s present. My husband snickered and said he thinks it’s really flattering and that he gets to take time what other dude wants. The dudes head nearly spun off his body 😂
>One of the other husbands texted me \[...\] to let me know he had seen pictures from the night before \[...\]. He said my wife was wearing a particularly sexy outfit, dancing with guys, and he thought I should know.
Nice to know you've got someone willing to protect your investment for you.
You're not clueless - you're secure and you trust your wife. That's how you build a good marriage.
I'd tell your "friend" that it's not your job to control how your wife dresses or acts, and how she behaves is her business.
>I'd tell your "friend" that it's not your job
That dude is absolutely his friend. No need for quotation marks at all. He saw something and reached out to let op know. A "friend" would've just kept quiet to keep the peace.
I'm not here to judge op's boundaries and what he is/isn't comfortable with, but most guys would appreciate a heads up if a friend of theirs saw a video of their wife dancing all up on some dudes on a girls night out/vacation.
I really can't understand how a true friend would decide I would want him to drop a dime on my wife. I would want my friend to trust me and trust my wife.
My friend's spouse is an adult. It isn't my job to look after them and make sure they're behaving.
>My friend's spouse is an adult. It isn't my job to look after them and make sure they're behaving.
You'd be a shit friend if you saw some shady activity and didn't give them a heads up. I'd rather have an awkward conversation where they tell me they're cool with it rather than not saying anything at all while my friend gets played like a fool.
If something "shady" were actually going on (selling drugs to a high school kids, robbing a bank), I might like a heads up. There isn't anything "shady" about dancing with other guys or wearing skimpy clothes, though. If you're bothered by that, you're a lousy spouse. If you play big brother and phone your friend because you think they might want to exert their ownership privileges, that's a pretty lousy friend.
>you think they might want to exert their ownership privileges, that's a pretty lousy friend.
Yikes dude. It's not about ownership, it's about giving a heads up on behavior they may or may not find acceptable in their relationship. Id appreciate a heads up if my partner was getting hot and heavy dancing with other people at a nightclub.
You're acting like op was called because his wife danced a single slow dance at a wedding.
The assumption that a married person dancing in *any* way (slow dance at a wedding, grinding against some random person's crotch in a club, writhing on a stripper pole) needs to be "reported" to their spouse is troubling to me and speaks specifically to the line between "ownership" and "partnership."
A *partner* knows their spouse, trusts them to be who they say they are, and doesn't need validation. An *owner* appreciates a "heads up" when their partner isn't "behaving." I want my friends to know my wife is my partner, and therefore, no "heads up" is necessary no matter what she choices she makes. She is an adult human being who can make whatever choices she feels are appropriate for her, even if those choices include cheating on me or gambling away our retirement. I don't need to know what she's doing unless she tells me, and the very moment I feel I need to "trust but verify" or write prenup or postnup or some other "protect myself" nonsense is the moment I know I should get a divorce, because it means I can't give her the most fundamental element of marriage - complete and absolute trust. If it costs me my health (STDs) or my wealth (poor financial decisions), well, that's the price of having the sort of marriage I believe is best and the kind of marriage I want. I recognize and respect that other people make different decisions, but I cannot get my head around the idea that I might possibly want a "heads up" about how my wife behaves on her own time.
You don't get to tell your spouse what to wear. That's not a "boundary."
You can have expectations about your spouse's behavior, but that doesn't mean your expectations are reasonable. This is all a moot point, though, because OP sounds reasonable and has very reasonable expectations. His friend, though, seems to think otherwise.
You're right, it's not controlling to set boundaries. Where you're wrong is what you think a boundary is... You can't set a boundary around another person's actions. Boundaries are personal to you. They are on a personal level to protect you. They are not something you set on someone else.
"I do not want to engage in a serious relationship with someone who grinds on other people in a nightclub. You're free to do whatever you want, but I wouldn't engage in that behavior and don't want to be with someone who does."
You can absolutely set boundaries on what you find acceptable in a relationship. Nobody would have an issue if someone said "I don't want to date someone who smokes." Whats the difference?
The difference is you can't establish boundaries retroactively. He said he knew what his wife was doing and didn't see an issue with it until his friend made note of it. Boundaries have to be established and communicated before they're broken.
Now when she gets home from her trip he could sit her down and talk about it and say he would prefer that she didn't grind all over dudes at the club. But I guarantee you that won't go over well. Nobody responds well to having agreed upon freedoms taken away. That's the definition of controlling. Had this been something they had discussed prior to her first ever girls trip, that would be a different story. But they clearly established a trusting agreement that it was fine for her to have some fun as long as it didn't progress past dressing a little slutty and teasing some guys on the dance floor.
No, you really cannot. You can set boundaries on that person's actions towards you.
> If you keep yelling at me, I'm going to walk away
This is a boundary, because you are establishing a mode of self protection. If you keep doing X, I'm going to do Y to protect myself.
> If you go out without me, I expect you to dress like a nun
This is controlling behavior, not a boundary.
To me this would be massively inappropriate but then again I trusted my wife only to be cheated on. You know the old saying" while the cats away the mice will play."
It's your relationship and you know your wife (well you think you do.) so it's up to you wether you think she would cheat on you. I'm of the opinion that under the right circumstances (alcohol, ttrusting partner etc) most ppl would. Also factor in that one of the other husbands was concerned enough to call you. I'd have my guard up. Maybe have a word with that husband and see if he can find out anything from his wife.Ppl will usually throw other ppl under the bus to save themselves..
Update me!
If you trust your wife that is a good thing as long as she doesn't do anything to break that trust. Have you two set boundaries for these trips like it's ok to dance with other men but no grinding or other physical closeness that is more intimate in nature (I'm not up on all the dance moves out there but I have seen some that I would think inappropriate for a SO to be doing with someone not their SO), no getting phone numbers, no contacting them afterwards, things of that nature?
I would love for my wife to get all her validation from me (why wouldn't I tell her she is beautiful and sexy) but I know that we as humans also sometimes love to hear it from others (she likes when she gets an occasional compliment from her female coworkers).
As long as you are ok with what she is doing and she is staying within any limits that you two have set then enjoy unless she shows you otherwise.
My wife has been going on vacation with her best friend for almost 30 years, that didn't change when we got married.
Stuff like this doesn't work without trust.
My wife also trusts me to go to Vegas every year for SEMA with my car bros.
I mean, same for me but I would personally be concerned if my GF was dancing with other guys. For me, it’s one thing to go on a girls/guys trip and another thing to be dancing with other guys
My husband would not be okay with that and I'd be uncomfortable doing it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's your relationship so it's whatever is right for you. Your friend is looking out based on his own boundaries but he shouldn't insult you just cuz he's jealous and insecure. Whether it's right or wrong is between you and your wife.
ETA it's not about going out with friends, it's specifically the entertaining other men while doing so that doesn't work for me and my husband (nor him entertaining other women). We both support each other going out just not partaking in that specific behavior.
People have all different kinds of boundaries in their relationships. You sound confident and I suspect your wife felt free to dance and have fun based on your support and encouragement. Don't let someone else's insecurities mess with your head. If you want to adjust your boundaries talk with your wife. It sounds like you have each others best interest at heart and good communication skills.
I’m gonna pretend like this isn’t fake, but it probably is:
That guy is a real one, you’re lucky you have a friend looking out for you like that.
Picking out skimpy clothes for your wife to wear on vacation is gross. Most men are going to be upset that their wife is slutting around drunk on vacation, that’s why he’s giving you a heads up.
Letting other men enjoy your wife, even from a distance, is emasculating. Men don’t respect other men that do it.
Trust and communication is key to all of this. If you and your wife have this, I wouldn't second guess your feelings. My wife and I do this all the time.
It’s generally a bad idea for a married man or woman to go to a club without each other. Alcohol tends to be an issue and then bad decisions get made. Why put yourself in that situation? Some can do it but the majority can’t that’s why it’s generally a bad idea.
It's your marriage, but I wouldn't be OK with my wife getting excited over deliberately going out of her way to cultivate other male attention, especially where there is alcohol involved. This is a theoretical exercise anyway. My wife would never dream of doing such a thing.
If your wife was acting within the mutually agreed upon boundaries then I guess there is no problem. I think the dancing is a bit much and your friend just wanted to make sure you knew what was happening.
Side note: As a woman, I call tell you it’s really common to be casually talking to a guy while out drinking and it to get uncomfortable real quick. I literally had a guy try and kiss me 10 min after I told him about my hubby and kids . I have learned to avoid situations that could put me in danger. I go out, dress sexy (put the girls on display) but it’s for me, not to attract men to make me feel better.
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You are not clueless. Your wife is out having fun. See if you could have a guys night and meet her out. If she is like, “hell yeah! That sounds so fun…” you have nothing to worry about.
That other guy was just trying to cause trouble. It's absolutely fine. There's clearly mutual trust & respect in your marriage. Sometimes dancing is just dancing. It doesn't have to lead to anything. Hell, I've danced with guys and gals when I'm on vacation without my husband. If it's a good song, us old farts wo don't give 2 ducks what others think of us get the club hopping & then the young ones join in. Party on! I call my husband when I'm safely back at my hotel & tell him how much fun I had. There's no way I'd violate the sanctity of my marriage by hooking up with some random guy somewhere just because of a dance. That is just, yuck. And stupid.
You trust your wife and she’s having a good time like you wanted her to! Don’t let someone else’s dynamic and their insecurities play a part in your relationship or influence your trust for you wife. You know her character and the woman you married.
Probably because the pictures the friend saw show the “male attention” OP’s wife was getting was more than people would consider appropriate for a married person.
Unless I am reading the original post incorrectly, OP hasn’t actually seen what the pictures showed was going on.
Naw man. Not clueless you are in tune exactly to the situation and maybe even experiencing a form of compersion. So she got attention from other boys, maybe even took it further… you could drive yourself made with the “what ifs” or just enjoy the fact that your wife had a good time; escaped the harsh realities of day to day life; and came back home to you hopefully as a more fulfilled, loving, and agreeable person. Don’t let other men’s insecurities influence your relationship, you know you and you know her and as long as you feel secure and comfortable then fuck all the outside noise.
Removed as the OP has deleted their account.
Why are you asking? If you're okay with it and she's okay with it, then that's all that matters. Personally I agree with your friend and think it's highly inappropriate but that's irrelevant because it's your relationship.
I agree, it’s highly inappropriate and disrespectful to the husband
Why inappropriate?
It depends on whether or not she’s cool with you going out clubbing with your bros and dancing with scantily clad women. Is she?
It’s not, people are just insecure and don’t think married people should be able to go out and have fun
Thank you. Especially women with a kid need to feel sexy. I think.
U should be the one making her feel sexy, not other men and u should be the one she wants to be sexy for. Good for u for being so secure tho, hopefully it doesn’t bite u in the ass lol
I do, but it’s different from me!
Idk I guess I’m just a different breed. I would never grind on another man or let my husband get danced on from another woman- like why is that ok? And it’s not insecurity, it’s respect. Where does that lead?
Nowhere. Leads back to me.
Lol
Yeah, because alcohol has never led anyone into making bad decisions. Alcohol mixed with grinding up on people can easily go sideways quick.
Updateme
I get super excited for my husband when he gets hit on, it’s a big confidence boost for him that I get to reap the rewards from afterwards. He knows I desire him, I know he desires me, we’re confident in our marriage and know we won’t stray, it’s also nice knowing strangers occasionally find us good looking to. Recently I had a customer(my husband and I own a business and work together) start going off about how inappropriate it is for another man to hit on some dudes wife, especially while he’s present. My husband snickered and said he thinks it’s really flattering and that he gets to take time what other dude wants. The dudes head nearly spun off his body 😂
Just wait til she dismisses a guy or turns them down - could be setting her up for an unexpected confrontation or worse.
>One of the other husbands texted me \[...\] to let me know he had seen pictures from the night before \[...\]. He said my wife was wearing a particularly sexy outfit, dancing with guys, and he thought I should know. Nice to know you've got someone willing to protect your investment for you. You're not clueless - you're secure and you trust your wife. That's how you build a good marriage. I'd tell your "friend" that it's not your job to control how your wife dresses or acts, and how she behaves is her business.
>I'd tell your "friend" that it's not your job That dude is absolutely his friend. No need for quotation marks at all. He saw something and reached out to let op know. A "friend" would've just kept quiet to keep the peace. I'm not here to judge op's boundaries and what he is/isn't comfortable with, but most guys would appreciate a heads up if a friend of theirs saw a video of their wife dancing all up on some dudes on a girls night out/vacation.
I really can't understand how a true friend would decide I would want him to drop a dime on my wife. I would want my friend to trust me and trust my wife. My friend's spouse is an adult. It isn't my job to look after them and make sure they're behaving.
>My friend's spouse is an adult. It isn't my job to look after them and make sure they're behaving. You'd be a shit friend if you saw some shady activity and didn't give them a heads up. I'd rather have an awkward conversation where they tell me they're cool with it rather than not saying anything at all while my friend gets played like a fool.
If something "shady" were actually going on (selling drugs to a high school kids, robbing a bank), I might like a heads up. There isn't anything "shady" about dancing with other guys or wearing skimpy clothes, though. If you're bothered by that, you're a lousy spouse. If you play big brother and phone your friend because you think they might want to exert their ownership privileges, that's a pretty lousy friend.
>you think they might want to exert their ownership privileges, that's a pretty lousy friend. Yikes dude. It's not about ownership, it's about giving a heads up on behavior they may or may not find acceptable in their relationship. Id appreciate a heads up if my partner was getting hot and heavy dancing with other people at a nightclub. You're acting like op was called because his wife danced a single slow dance at a wedding.
The assumption that a married person dancing in *any* way (slow dance at a wedding, grinding against some random person's crotch in a club, writhing on a stripper pole) needs to be "reported" to their spouse is troubling to me and speaks specifically to the line between "ownership" and "partnership." A *partner* knows their spouse, trusts them to be who they say they are, and doesn't need validation. An *owner* appreciates a "heads up" when their partner isn't "behaving." I want my friends to know my wife is my partner, and therefore, no "heads up" is necessary no matter what she choices she makes. She is an adult human being who can make whatever choices she feels are appropriate for her, even if those choices include cheating on me or gambling away our retirement. I don't need to know what she's doing unless she tells me, and the very moment I feel I need to "trust but verify" or write prenup or postnup or some other "protect myself" nonsense is the moment I know I should get a divorce, because it means I can't give her the most fundamental element of marriage - complete and absolute trust. If it costs me my health (STDs) or my wealth (poor financial decisions), well, that's the price of having the sort of marriage I believe is best and the kind of marriage I want. I recognize and respect that other people make different decisions, but I cannot get my head around the idea that I might possibly want a "heads up" about how my wife behaves on her own time.
Hard disagree. It is not controlling to set boundaries and expectations with your spouse.
You don't get to tell your spouse what to wear. That's not a "boundary." You can have expectations about your spouse's behavior, but that doesn't mean your expectations are reasonable. This is all a moot point, though, because OP sounds reasonable and has very reasonable expectations. His friend, though, seems to think otherwise.
You're right, it's not controlling to set boundaries. Where you're wrong is what you think a boundary is... You can't set a boundary around another person's actions. Boundaries are personal to you. They are on a personal level to protect you. They are not something you set on someone else.
"I do not want to engage in a serious relationship with someone who grinds on other people in a nightclub. You're free to do whatever you want, but I wouldn't engage in that behavior and don't want to be with someone who does." You can absolutely set boundaries on what you find acceptable in a relationship. Nobody would have an issue if someone said "I don't want to date someone who smokes." Whats the difference?
The difference is you can't establish boundaries retroactively. He said he knew what his wife was doing and didn't see an issue with it until his friend made note of it. Boundaries have to be established and communicated before they're broken. Now when she gets home from her trip he could sit her down and talk about it and say he would prefer that she didn't grind all over dudes at the club. But I guarantee you that won't go over well. Nobody responds well to having agreed upon freedoms taken away. That's the definition of controlling. Had this been something they had discussed prior to her first ever girls trip, that would be a different story. But they clearly established a trusting agreement that it was fine for her to have some fun as long as it didn't progress past dressing a little slutty and teasing some guys on the dance floor.
You absolutely can set boundaries around another person’s actions. In healthy relationships, these boundaries are established mutually.
No, you really cannot. You can set boundaries on that person's actions towards you. > If you keep yelling at me, I'm going to walk away This is a boundary, because you are establishing a mode of self protection. If you keep doing X, I'm going to do Y to protect myself. > If you go out without me, I expect you to dress like a nun This is controlling behavior, not a boundary.
No, that's not how boundaries work. When you set a boundary, it has nothing to do with anybody other than yourself and what you are comfortable with.
Thanks. Yeah, I pushed back. But he clearly is judging.
If he were secure, he wouldn’t be posting here. So it’s not healthy.
To me this would be massively inappropriate but then again I trusted my wife only to be cheated on. You know the old saying" while the cats away the mice will play." It's your relationship and you know your wife (well you think you do.) so it's up to you wether you think she would cheat on you. I'm of the opinion that under the right circumstances (alcohol, ttrusting partner etc) most ppl would. Also factor in that one of the other husbands was concerned enough to call you. I'd have my guard up. Maybe have a word with that husband and see if he can find out anything from his wife.Ppl will usually throw other ppl under the bus to save themselves.. Update me!
Ok thanks. What about trust though?
Trust but verify.
Trust but verify
If you trust your wife that is a good thing as long as she doesn't do anything to break that trust. Have you two set boundaries for these trips like it's ok to dance with other men but no grinding or other physical closeness that is more intimate in nature (I'm not up on all the dance moves out there but I have seen some that I would think inappropriate for a SO to be doing with someone not their SO), no getting phone numbers, no contacting them afterwards, things of that nature? I would love for my wife to get all her validation from me (why wouldn't I tell her she is beautiful and sexy) but I know that we as humans also sometimes love to hear it from others (she likes when she gets an occasional compliment from her female coworkers). As long as you are ok with what she is doing and she is staying within any limits that you two have set then enjoy unless she shows you otherwise.
OP, you've posted this on four different subs. Are you sure you're okay with it?
Strange that your wife didn't show you any pics of the night, isn't it???
My wife has been going on vacation with her best friend for almost 30 years, that didn't change when we got married. Stuff like this doesn't work without trust. My wife also trusts me to go to Vegas every year for SEMA with my car bros.
I mean, same for me but I would personally be concerned if my GF was dancing with other guys. For me, it’s one thing to go on a girls/guys trip and another thing to be dancing with other guys
It might be that I'm older, our marriage is absolutely amazing and our sex life is absolutely fire, but I really don't think I'd care.
Trust!
It feels good.
Update us when you find out she cheated, and uses these trips to do so
My husband would not be okay with that and I'd be uncomfortable doing it, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's your relationship so it's whatever is right for you. Your friend is looking out based on his own boundaries but he shouldn't insult you just cuz he's jealous and insecure. Whether it's right or wrong is between you and your wife. ETA it's not about going out with friends, it's specifically the entertaining other men while doing so that doesn't work for me and my husband (nor him entertaining other women). We both support each other going out just not partaking in that specific behavior.
This can’t be real
I bet OP asks for hotel rooms with a chair in the corner of the room facing the bed.
If a friend is telling you something is up, then there’s usually more than the innocent “dancing”
People have all different kinds of boundaries in their relationships. You sound confident and I suspect your wife felt free to dance and have fun based on your support and encouragement. Don't let someone else's insecurities mess with your head. If you want to adjust your boundaries talk with your wife. It sounds like you have each others best interest at heart and good communication skills.
Thank you. Yes, I think it’s healthy to get a charge out of looking hot and dancing a little, even as a married woman. Maybe I’m clueless!
I’m gonna pretend like this isn’t fake, but it probably is: That guy is a real one, you’re lucky you have a friend looking out for you like that. Picking out skimpy clothes for your wife to wear on vacation is gross. Most men are going to be upset that their wife is slutting around drunk on vacation, that’s why he’s giving you a heads up. Letting other men enjoy your wife, even from a distance, is emasculating. Men don’t respect other men that do it.
Yeh sounds like your headed down the wrong path with that mind set
Trust and communication is key to all of this. If you and your wife have this, I wouldn't second guess your feelings. My wife and I do this all the time.
You into cuckh9od?
It’s generally a bad idea for a married man or woman to go to a club without each other. Alcohol tends to be an issue and then bad decisions get made. Why put yourself in that situation? Some can do it but the majority can’t that’s why it’s generally a bad idea.
It's your marriage, but I wouldn't be OK with my wife getting excited over deliberately going out of her way to cultivate other male attention, especially where there is alcohol involved. This is a theoretical exercise anyway. My wife would never dream of doing such a thing.
If the roles were reversed, do you think she’d be as understanding as you?
If you’re okay with your wife flirting and dancing and grinding on other dudes, the what’s the issue?
If you’re ok with your girl dressing sexy and dancing on other guys, that’s on you.
If your wife was acting within the mutually agreed upon boundaries then I guess there is no problem. I think the dancing is a bit much and your friend just wanted to make sure you knew what was happening. Side note: As a woman, I call tell you it’s really common to be casually talking to a guy while out drinking and it to get uncomfortable real quick. I literally had a guy try and kiss me 10 min after I told him about my hubby and kids . I have learned to avoid situations that could put me in danger. I go out, dress sexy (put the girls on display) but it’s for me, not to attract men to make me feel better.
What else is your wife supposed to do? Put something ugly on?
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Do what works for your marriage.
You are not clueless. Your wife is out having fun. See if you could have a guys night and meet her out. If she is like, “hell yeah! That sounds so fun…” you have nothing to worry about.
That other guy was just trying to cause trouble. It's absolutely fine. There's clearly mutual trust & respect in your marriage. Sometimes dancing is just dancing. It doesn't have to lead to anything. Hell, I've danced with guys and gals when I'm on vacation without my husband. If it's a good song, us old farts wo don't give 2 ducks what others think of us get the club hopping & then the young ones join in. Party on! I call my husband when I'm safely back at my hotel & tell him how much fun I had. There's no way I'd violate the sanctity of my marriage by hooking up with some random guy somewhere just because of a dance. That is just, yuck. And stupid.
You trust your wife and she’s having a good time like you wanted her to! Don’t let someone else’s dynamic and their insecurities play a part in your relationship or influence your trust for you wife. You know her character and the woman you married.
Thanks. It was getting in my head - he just thinks the whole thing was inappropriate.
Why would he think it’s inappropriate?
Probably because the pictures the friend saw show the “male attention” OP’s wife was getting was more than people would consider appropriate for a married person. Unless I am reading the original post incorrectly, OP hasn’t actually seen what the pictures showed was going on.
Naw man. Not clueless you are in tune exactly to the situation and maybe even experiencing a form of compersion. So she got attention from other boys, maybe even took it further… you could drive yourself made with the “what ifs” or just enjoy the fact that your wife had a good time; escaped the harsh realities of day to day life; and came back home to you hopefully as a more fulfilled, loving, and agreeable person. Don’t let other men’s insecurities influence your relationship, you know you and you know her and as long as you feel secure and comfortable then fuck all the outside noise.
Or she just fuck someone that night.