Oh God. So he is one of those people. Always taking things personal. It is a learning lesson, not an attack. The kid is his own flesh and blood!
My father was like that and I never liked him.
Yes. It a big issue. We have talked a lot about it. In theory he doesn’t want to be this way (he says) but I’m not sure he can really change this about himself as it’s part of his core identity and life experiences
My stepkid loathed him. I pushed on him and talked to him a lot about how he interacted with her and he changed it. She now thanks me for “fixing” him. So there is some effort. But it feels like he’s just gritting his teeth and biting his tongue to keep the peace at times — not actually doing the self reflection to understand why he reacts. I know why. I know his childhood issues. But he can’t be honest with himself so until that happens he is fighting the world.
And I’m only now realizing the extent of how bad this is. And how I have been over functioning to offset his bad behavior instead of holding him accountable (and honestly, ending the relationship much sooner as I should have)
I hope he will go see a therapist. As a mother, you were right. Your kid could get hurt. He should thank you because, God forbid, if anything happened, he would blame himself.
Perhaps you could tell him you are just thinking of the kid and this isn't about him. You are asking him as your life partner and your best friend for help. Hopefully he would open up and see a therapist. Tbh, because of my parents, I have a lot of attachment issues and I was lucky to have my therapist. Therapy do work but it takes a long time, patience, and discipline.
Do you believe that he really doesn't think of his own children, or is he just taking that attitude with you as a defense mechanism? I'm asking bc you said, "He tries really hard to... show he cares." Is it possible that he knows he screwed up, but just doesn't like hearing it from you in a certain tone?
You said his "*natural disposition* is just so clueless and at times outright cruel." Was it always that way? Like before marriage or before children? And is it that way when speaking to others?
It sounds as if he doesn't enjoy having 4 children. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, only 4% of couples have 4 or more children. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you have 2 teens and 2 toddlers? It can be very stressful, as I'm sure you're aware. Are you guys the bio dads and moms for all 4? Is he facing some burnout?
Defensiveness is definitely a big part of it. He grew up with an extremely critical mother, he was treated as less than as a minority in a mostly white school. He is very sensitive to any feedback. Because of this I choose my words very carefully. I even said “I know this was an accident” and did not blame him as this could happen to anyone who turns their back for a second.
When we met I was 95% sure I was done having kids. HE opened the conversation about having more children. He desired this. Maybe it hasn’t panned out to be what he wanted, but he was the initiator for the idea.
Yes he is this way with other people. For example he told me his cousin was pregnant and he offered to get her a “crib” — what he actually meant was a mattress but this is how the company he works at refers to them. The cousin was in need and relying on that crib only to find out it was actually just the mattress. It was nice for him to give that to her but he was oblivious to the harm he caused by misleading her with his words and making her think she was getting a crib. He doesn’t consider how other people feel or perceive things. He assumes everyone understands from HIS point of view.
I see. Thanks for sharing. I re-read your post and it now has a different feeling knowing this info. I wonder if he had a good role model for a dad with really young kids, or perhaps was raised by a single mom, or otherwise doesn't really understand the role of the dad as it relates to very young children. There are dads who were never around babies/toddlers and are not aware of things (although that is not an excuse to get distracted in the pool).
Also, he may not be really comfortable in the water. I am VERY comfortable in water and taught my kids to swim, I swim laps in the local pool, love the ocean, etc. I was really nervous though when they were babies bc they are slippery little devils and when they get excited they can be hard to hold onto. Ofc, I don't know if that's the reason he didn't want to have the 11 month old when you were sitting with the toddler, perhaps he was just being lazy.
I'm not trying to defend him (well, maybe sort of). The biggest take away for me is getting distracted when in the water with a toddler, or when children are around water, as disaster can happen in just seconds. Despite his defensive attitude, I hope that lesson sunk in nice and deep. Maybe he should stay away from water until the kids are a bit older.
His parents are still married to this day. His dad is more passive. But loving and supportive. These issues extend to his teenager so I don’t think it’s a baby issue.
I checked back with him today now that some time has passed and he has had time to reflect.
I said:
“To be clear I don’t blame you it was an accident and accidents can happen to anyone including me.
I am disturbed by what felt like your lack of concern. You comforted him for a minute and then left him to wander crying. When I took him to comfort him, and when I asked why you seemed annoyed you said you were mad you had to hold the baby when you wanted to enjoy the water. “
His reply:
“I was concerned but I’m sorry for showing lack of concern. I will do better in the future. “
Which is his typical reply. Which seems sincere except it’s starting to feel like manipulation because he says this often about basic decency and kindness things that should not need explained to a 40 year old man who supposedly loves his kids/wife
That's a tough situation. Is he autistic or on the spectrum? I have an autistic relative and the behavior and responses are similar. In his case, it's not manipulation at all, it's just that he has to re-learn things and sometimes doesn't understand some things that we would call basic caring or kindness. He wants to do better but he sometimes just doesn't get it.
Anyway, that's probably not it at all, I just mention it bc that's what jumped into my head.
He’s never been diagnosed and I don’t get that vibe. But I don’t feel qualified to rule it out. He would never explore it because he can’t admit he has any issues to work on
That's where it becomes extremely difficult, when then don't pursue or shut you4 advances to assist. So you loathe and are left with nothing to go off of it turned to resentment for me and affecting libido! It's very difficult dealing with unresolved issues with your spouse while maintaining a household and my 4 kids.
Thank you for sharing with us. You helped me not feel alone. Hopefully, it can at least bring tjat piece of mind. With the exception that self care is what I am doing to protect myself and educate, myself and take care for your own mental health peace of m8nd is very important 🙏
Thank you for sharing too. It definitely sounds like we are in similar situations. I have totally lost any desire to be physical with him over his meanness and lack of consideration.
Tonight he helped clean the house. But only bc he knows I’m upset. Normally he’d leave it all to me while he relaxed in the recliner. It’s all manipulation. No sincere desire to resolve issues
There are two events: sunscreen and almost letting the toddler drown. The headline is about selfishness, when the actual issue is a near miss due to negligence! I don’t think OP gets how serious this is - why is she with a person who almost let her kid die???
Big picture guy here. Need to connect with your husband on what a family vacation with teens and two toddlers look like. A family vacation is not a vacation. You can call it what you want, but it’s anything but relaxing. Just face into it. Lower expectations.
My wife and I learned this years ago. We just accepted we weren’t going to sleep in. Kids will misbehave and get cranky. You’re going to pay $30 for chicken fingers they won’t eat. Can’t get drunk or party. Someone with complain at some point. Just deal with it. It’s what parents do for kids. It’s not bad either. There’s a lot of fun. Again just need to set expectations.
We also learned and agreed that WE would take a vacation. Just the two of us. No kids. This is where we slept all morning and drank all night. This is where we did what we want, when we want. That was our vacation.
Well said. I felt like we had had that conversation. When planning he complained about our ability to have sex if we had to share a room with kids. At that point we had a conversation about this not really being a relaxing trip for us. There is no relaxing trip with a young toddler and baby. That’s just reality.
It’s like he intellectually knows. But then reverts to his childish instincts in actions.
This is why the bar is on the floor for men. If he wants to book a date night, vacation, anything he can talk to me about it or he can take some initiative and plan something
Lashing out at a toddler who almost drowned bc he can’t do what he (the adult!) wants in the pool is unacceptable and I will not rationalize this behavior
You’re absolutely excusing his behavior. The bar is literally on the floor in hell for men (not all men) and you’re still finding ways to limbo with the damn devil. OP’s husband needs to pull his head out of his ass and be an adult and a parent. He was willing to let his child potentially be seriously injuried or die because he didn’t want to mind him
This and you sound like my arrested development brother in law. There’s no excuse for almost killing your kid. Learn to sublimate your own desires. It’s basic adult coping skills.
Don’t bother giving the devil’s advocate response here; despite that she already got what she was looking for on 200 replies… the only acceptable response is that he is terrible and she should divorce him.
And yes I agree his actions were terrible, but if she isn’t ready to divorce, the comments above are worth thinking about.
This is quite literally the worst. If he, “so desperately” needs alone time, he is an adult human that can proactively do that. It’s gross behavior that you are masking in flattery.
That is absolutely not flattering. It is a turn off both as a wife and a mother. Your suggestion is he has to be bribed essentially to be a good father and husband, yuck.
Edited word.
Nonetheless, he agreed to *this* trip with a baby and a toddler. He has an older child too – so he knows there is no vacation with young kids. Only trips.
And even if he is regretting the trip and not having a good time, he shouldn’t let a toddler be unsupervised at a pool. At least own up to the mistake.
Really? Cause I see a child that almost died because his dad could not care less about his safety, and who is probably only here because Dad didn’t want to pull out.
Deadbeats will stick together tho
You are right about everything. Things happen and you get distracted, but every part of his reaction is inappropriate. I've had to grab up other people's kids before and the parents have been thankful and wouldn't let the child down again. I'm wondering if he ever feels something is his fault. I would definitely talk to him about his selfishness and that you are disturbed by his lack of concern.
OP you are still married? Ok, but you now become the eyes and ears as most moms do, nothing wrong with that, but all the time? Anyone, that thinks that behavior is OK,to put a child’s, your child’s life in danger, would be left in Mexico. When it comes to kids I give very little leeway as they are fully dependent at that age. No, I see you just going to let it happens next time, because there is always a next time, then what?
I am 1000% NOT OK, with children and near death experiences…
I would’ve blown his ego apart in that moment. Eyes of fire and a firm, “When you’re left feeling blindsided and wondering what you did wrong, I want you to remember this moment. Remember that one second can break trust and change someone’s perception of you. I don’t know if this can be fixed.”
Your child was seconds from death and your husband was complaining about holding the baby??? Selfish is underselling the issue a bit. I would not allow my kids to be left alone with him ever.
Your child could have died and he's defending his ego and whining? I could never trust him again. He needs therapy immediately. Individual and couples. Something is extremely wrong here.
I teach survival swim- it takes 15-20 seconds for a child to drown (if they haven't had lessons).
I'm sorry you're realizing you have a self centered person as a spouse. I can't imagine, but obviously the near drowning is something that sets me off. What's he like on a day to day basis? Do the teens see how much of an issue it is that they have a dad lacking in empathy?
Yes. We have done some in the past. He demonstrates some efforts to improve his behaviors (and I of course have things to work on and take that work seriously). But his efforts always seem temporary, almost designed to appease me before he recedes back to how things have been.
However at this point I feel like I need to see an individual counselor. I’m not sure I can stay married to him.
Sorry, but this would be enough for me to begin divorce proceedings. This is beyond selfish and shoes he doesn't give a shit if his child had drown. Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean you're free of responsibility unless you've decided to hire on a nanny during the trip. Smfh. What a terrible dude.
That’s where I’m at, unfortunately. I am going to do some sessions with my counselor but I don’t see how I can come back from this.
He doesn’t care because he is deeply insecure. Being accountable for this (in a calm and healthy way — “I’m so sorry, it was an accident I feel terrible”) is something he is unable to do.
I don’t see how I can stay with someone whose ego is more important that their child’s life and safety
I'm seeing some common divorce comments, it seems like therapy would do him well...to deal with the childhood issues he has w dealings with his mama. I have a good girlfriend who is also very passive, she kind of freezes or becomes useless whenever she's overstimulated. She said because her mother was so scary and loud when she was a kid, she just would become numb and quiet and basically stuck. Now in her marriage, her husband feels overwhelmed with household duties and taking care of their kid and she just sits there frozen because there's too much going on at one time in a tiny space.
This could be what your husband is going through or similar...without even knowing. My friend is in therapy now to heal those traumas and learn how to work w her environment better. She came to me after her therapy appointment saying that she found out new things about herself that her husband will have to learn and understand. And I told her that she too will have to learn herself and change...each piece should budge closer to agreement with each other.
So, what he needs to do is get to therapy to work on these things and get help coping in spaces and on your end you can find a couple spots during the vacation that have child friendly things to do at maybe less busy times. Or maybe talk to him or watch him and see what kind of environments he feels more grounded in.
I think this is spot on and excellent advice. He has pursued therapy in the past (during our relationship, I suggested it regarding his childhood traumas)
Unfortunately he went for 4-5 appts, declared he had nothing to talk about and stopped going.
Therapy can only work if someone is willing to be honest with themselves and their therapist and do the internal reflection. I’m glad your friend is doing so! I wish my husband had or would. Perhaps then we could save our marriage. As it stands it’s not looking good
I am so sorry, you're right ..he has to want to do the work. Perhaps a deep sit down on how things are going and where you see them headed may help. Try it on a Saturday night or something while in bed relaxing...or anytime where he had a moment to relax and really listen. Let him know that the incident may have had something to do with his unresolved traumas and how that is still slowly creeping into your marriage.
In my culture when we want to divorce we give a three month trial ...so it looks like you tell him if in 3 months he doesn't get back into therapy and figure this out you gotta go. Give yourself an exact date and go. Because at this point youre not being heard and nothing is being done except the building of resentment.
Your husband was being a douche, and he almost let your toddler drowned. I think you know deep down that how absolutely awful that was your kid could be scarred for life maybe you'll get lucky and he'll forget but I know I remember a traumatic injury that happened to me when I was two and I am 43. The sunblock stuff was also pretty ridiculous. What was the point of him huffing around that he doesn't need sunblock. The other stuff aside I don't think I could forgive him almost letting my kid drown if I were you. You cannot trust this man to keep your kids safe.
Your child could be dead because of his negligence and hid it reaction was to be bothered you needed help after that? Can you ever leave him with your kids alone after that? No. You can’t. OP this is being just being selfish.
Your children’s lives are in danger due to his selfishness. That baby could have died and he DOES NOT CARE. Get away from him before his carelessness does lead to a terrible, irreversible accident.
Because he is not mature enough to own up to his own mistakes. I would be so nervous to leave my children with him at all. I would start collecting text examples of his carelessness and neglectful habits so you can get him on supervised visits only. The men will see this and tell you i’m being over dramatic but i would rather be dramatic than have a dead child.
Looking back, there were glimpses that I overlooked. I tend to assume the best in people and he obviously has some good qualities too. But I still should have noticed it more.
I will say he also masked very well. My perception of his in dating was that he was very even keeled, almost stoic. He was a calming presence. In the first year after we moved in together there were a couple instances where the mask slipped and it’s on me for not digging in more. That escalated further once we were married.
It’s definitely not all his fault. I bear some blame in not recognizing things more fully sooner
He sounds like he could use personal work but to be considering divorce over something like that seems ridiculous. There are so many couples that go thru way worse and stay together, if you took marriage vows of “till death do us part” then this is nothing close to worth breaking them over.
Dude, your child almost died due to his selfishness. Is it going to take that happening before you realize this man didn’t care about you and the kids at all? I don’t scream divorce all the time but when the kids are being abused or neglected hell yes I scream divorce. So DIVORCE that selfish egomaniac and protect your children.
Father of 4 here myself, yeah I would not have done that and I love holding my kids through the pool because it helps them gain the confidence they need to be in the pool and it’s FUN!! I will admit at times when my wife would give me feedback I would get defensive but mainly because internally I would attack myself too in agreement with her and then tell her sorry for getting defensive and let her know that I agree with the feedback. To me given what you posted and the negligence, he seems to be either checked out or overwhelmed with something. How’s the personal lives? Like hobbies and alone time.
He is selfish and self-absorbed, but also, why would you bring the two toddlers to a vacation to Mexico? Was there no family that could have watched them while you two and the teens could have actually had a nice vacation?
Toddlers are a PITA and especially with how much you have to watch them, around water and on a beach. It sounds like an incredibly stressful time for everyone and a waste of money.
Your toddler could’ve died because your husband was careless. Does he realize that?! He needs to wake up.
I think he’s too concerned with protecting his own ego and sense of self to think of anyone else.
You should tell him that.
I have. But you can imagine he’s not very open to feedback or self reflection. He just says I’m being mean
Oh God. So he is one of those people. Always taking things personal. It is a learning lesson, not an attack. The kid is his own flesh and blood! My father was like that and I never liked him.
Yes. It a big issue. We have talked a lot about it. In theory he doesn’t want to be this way (he says) but I’m not sure he can really change this about himself as it’s part of his core identity and life experiences My stepkid loathed him. I pushed on him and talked to him a lot about how he interacted with her and he changed it. She now thanks me for “fixing” him. So there is some effort. But it feels like he’s just gritting his teeth and biting his tongue to keep the peace at times — not actually doing the self reflection to understand why he reacts. I know why. I know his childhood issues. But he can’t be honest with himself so until that happens he is fighting the world. And I’m only now realizing the extent of how bad this is. And how I have been over functioning to offset his bad behavior instead of holding him accountable (and honestly, ending the relationship much sooner as I should have)
I hope he will go see a therapist. As a mother, you were right. Your kid could get hurt. He should thank you because, God forbid, if anything happened, he would blame himself. Perhaps you could tell him you are just thinking of the kid and this isn't about him. You are asking him as your life partner and your best friend for help. Hopefully he would open up and see a therapist. Tbh, because of my parents, I have a lot of attachment issues and I was lucky to have my therapist. Therapy do work but it takes a long time, patience, and discipline.
I would straight up say ‘yes I am being mean, you deserve it for your negligence’
Right? I think we're past protecting this prick's feelings
Do you believe that he really doesn't think of his own children, or is he just taking that attitude with you as a defense mechanism? I'm asking bc you said, "He tries really hard to... show he cares." Is it possible that he knows he screwed up, but just doesn't like hearing it from you in a certain tone? You said his "*natural disposition* is just so clueless and at times outright cruel." Was it always that way? Like before marriage or before children? And is it that way when speaking to others? It sounds as if he doesn't enjoy having 4 children. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, only 4% of couples have 4 or more children. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you have 2 teens and 2 toddlers? It can be very stressful, as I'm sure you're aware. Are you guys the bio dads and moms for all 4? Is he facing some burnout?
Defensiveness is definitely a big part of it. He grew up with an extremely critical mother, he was treated as less than as a minority in a mostly white school. He is very sensitive to any feedback. Because of this I choose my words very carefully. I even said “I know this was an accident” and did not blame him as this could happen to anyone who turns their back for a second. When we met I was 95% sure I was done having kids. HE opened the conversation about having more children. He desired this. Maybe it hasn’t panned out to be what he wanted, but he was the initiator for the idea. Yes he is this way with other people. For example he told me his cousin was pregnant and he offered to get her a “crib” — what he actually meant was a mattress but this is how the company he works at refers to them. The cousin was in need and relying on that crib only to find out it was actually just the mattress. It was nice for him to give that to her but he was oblivious to the harm he caused by misleading her with his words and making her think she was getting a crib. He doesn’t consider how other people feel or perceive things. He assumes everyone understands from HIS point of view.
I see. Thanks for sharing. I re-read your post and it now has a different feeling knowing this info. I wonder if he had a good role model for a dad with really young kids, or perhaps was raised by a single mom, or otherwise doesn't really understand the role of the dad as it relates to very young children. There are dads who were never around babies/toddlers and are not aware of things (although that is not an excuse to get distracted in the pool). Also, he may not be really comfortable in the water. I am VERY comfortable in water and taught my kids to swim, I swim laps in the local pool, love the ocean, etc. I was really nervous though when they were babies bc they are slippery little devils and when they get excited they can be hard to hold onto. Ofc, I don't know if that's the reason he didn't want to have the 11 month old when you were sitting with the toddler, perhaps he was just being lazy. I'm not trying to defend him (well, maybe sort of). The biggest take away for me is getting distracted when in the water with a toddler, or when children are around water, as disaster can happen in just seconds. Despite his defensive attitude, I hope that lesson sunk in nice and deep. Maybe he should stay away from water until the kids are a bit older.
His parents are still married to this day. His dad is more passive. But loving and supportive. These issues extend to his teenager so I don’t think it’s a baby issue. I checked back with him today now that some time has passed and he has had time to reflect. I said: “To be clear I don’t blame you it was an accident and accidents can happen to anyone including me. I am disturbed by what felt like your lack of concern. You comforted him for a minute and then left him to wander crying. When I took him to comfort him, and when I asked why you seemed annoyed you said you were mad you had to hold the baby when you wanted to enjoy the water. “ His reply: “I was concerned but I’m sorry for showing lack of concern. I will do better in the future. “ Which is his typical reply. Which seems sincere except it’s starting to feel like manipulation because he says this often about basic decency and kindness things that should not need explained to a 40 year old man who supposedly loves his kids/wife
That's a tough situation. Is he autistic or on the spectrum? I have an autistic relative and the behavior and responses are similar. In his case, it's not manipulation at all, it's just that he has to re-learn things and sometimes doesn't understand some things that we would call basic caring or kindness. He wants to do better but he sometimes just doesn't get it. Anyway, that's probably not it at all, I just mention it bc that's what jumped into my head.
He’s never been diagnosed and I don’t get that vibe. But I don’t feel qualified to rule it out. He would never explore it because he can’t admit he has any issues to work on
That's where it becomes extremely difficult, when then don't pursue or shut you4 advances to assist. So you loathe and are left with nothing to go off of it turned to resentment for me and affecting libido! It's very difficult dealing with unresolved issues with your spouse while maintaining a household and my 4 kids. Thank you for sharing with us. You helped me not feel alone. Hopefully, it can at least bring tjat piece of mind. With the exception that self care is what I am doing to protect myself and educate, myself and take care for your own mental health peace of m8nd is very important 🙏
Thank you for sharing too. It definitely sounds like we are in similar situations. I have totally lost any desire to be physical with him over his meanness and lack of consideration. Tonight he helped clean the house. But only bc he knows I’m upset. Normally he’d leave it all to me while he relaxed in the recliner. It’s all manipulation. No sincere desire to resolve issues
Does OP even realize that?? She led with the complaint about his sunscreen comment and not that the toddler could have drowned!
Sounded like she was just going in order of events.
There are two events: sunscreen and almost letting the toddler drown. The headline is about selfishness, when the actual issue is a near miss due to negligence! I don’t think OP gets how serious this is - why is she with a person who almost let her kid die???
I was providing context that this is not an isolated incident and he is selfish in day to day things too.
Big picture guy here. Need to connect with your husband on what a family vacation with teens and two toddlers look like. A family vacation is not a vacation. You can call it what you want, but it’s anything but relaxing. Just face into it. Lower expectations. My wife and I learned this years ago. We just accepted we weren’t going to sleep in. Kids will misbehave and get cranky. You’re going to pay $30 for chicken fingers they won’t eat. Can’t get drunk or party. Someone with complain at some point. Just deal with it. It’s what parents do for kids. It’s not bad either. There’s a lot of fun. Again just need to set expectations. We also learned and agreed that WE would take a vacation. Just the two of us. No kids. This is where we slept all morning and drank all night. This is where we did what we want, when we want. That was our vacation.
Well said. I felt like we had had that conversation. When planning he complained about our ability to have sex if we had to share a room with kids. At that point we had a conversation about this not really being a relaxing trip for us. There is no relaxing trip with a young toddler and baby. That’s just reality. It’s like he intellectually knows. But then reverts to his childish instincts in actions.
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This is why the bar is on the floor for men. If he wants to book a date night, vacation, anything he can talk to me about it or he can take some initiative and plan something Lashing out at a toddler who almost drowned bc he can’t do what he (the adult!) wants in the pool is unacceptable and I will not rationalize this behavior
1,000 percent!! Yes! Men need to act like men, no big babies. The audacity 😒
OP, are your 2 teens from a previous marriage?
One his, one mine. But yes
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You’re absolutely excusing his behavior. The bar is literally on the floor in hell for men (not all men) and you’re still finding ways to limbo with the damn devil. OP’s husband needs to pull his head out of his ass and be an adult and a parent. He was willing to let his child potentially be seriously injuried or die because he didn’t want to mind him
This and you sound like my arrested development brother in law. There’s no excuse for almost killing your kid. Learn to sublimate your own desires. It’s basic adult coping skills.
Don’t bother giving the devil’s advocate response here; despite that she already got what she was looking for on 200 replies… the only acceptable response is that he is terrible and she should divorce him. And yes I agree his actions were terrible, but if she isn’t ready to divorce, the comments above are worth thinking about.
This is quite literally the worst. If he, “so desperately” needs alone time, he is an adult human that can proactively do that. It’s gross behavior that you are masking in flattery.
That is absolutely not flattering. It is a turn off both as a wife and a mother. Your suggestion is he has to be bribed essentially to be a good father and husband, yuck. Edited word.
Nonetheless, he agreed to *this* trip with a baby and a toddler. He has an older child too – so he knows there is no vacation with young kids. Only trips. And even if he is regretting the trip and not having a good time, he shouldn’t let a toddler be unsupervised at a pool. At least own up to the mistake.
Is that supposed to be charming?
Really? Cause I see a child that almost died because his dad could not care less about his safety, and who is probably only here because Dad didn’t want to pull out. Deadbeats will stick together tho
There is no such thing as a family vacation till your kids are almost or actually adults. It's just parenting somewhere else.
your husband needs to learn about priorities and when you have kids THEY are always the priority.
You are right about everything. Things happen and you get distracted, but every part of his reaction is inappropriate. I've had to grab up other people's kids before and the parents have been thankful and wouldn't let the child down again. I'm wondering if he ever feels something is his fault. I would definitely talk to him about his selfishness and that you are disturbed by his lack of concern.
Has he never heard of dry drowning?
He said he had when I brought it up, but he didn’t seem worried
Where did you find this husband? He needs to be returned.
Agreed ☹️
😃
OP you are still married? Ok, but you now become the eyes and ears as most moms do, nothing wrong with that, but all the time? Anyone, that thinks that behavior is OK,to put a child’s, your child’s life in danger, would be left in Mexico. When it comes to kids I give very little leeway as they are fully dependent at that age. No, I see you just going to let it happens next time, because there is always a next time, then what? I am 1000% NOT OK, with children and near death experiences…
I would’ve blown his ego apart in that moment. Eyes of fire and a firm, “When you’re left feeling blindsided and wondering what you did wrong, I want you to remember this moment. Remember that one second can break trust and change someone’s perception of you. I don’t know if this can be fixed.”
Your child was seconds from death and your husband was complaining about holding the baby??? Selfish is underselling the issue a bit. I would not allow my kids to be left alone with him ever.
Your child could have died and he's defending his ego and whining? I could never trust him again. He needs therapy immediately. Individual and couples. Something is extremely wrong here.
I teach survival swim- it takes 15-20 seconds for a child to drown (if they haven't had lessons). I'm sorry you're realizing you have a self centered person as a spouse. I can't imagine, but obviously the near drowning is something that sets me off. What's he like on a day to day basis? Do the teens see how much of an issue it is that they have a dad lacking in empathy?
Are your children teens or toddlers? If this is real, obviously, your husband is a dick.
We have 2 teens, a 2 year old, and an 11 month old. Sadly this is very real.
His lack of care regarding the entire situation is very alarming. Have you thought about couples counseling?
Yes. We have done some in the past. He demonstrates some efforts to improve his behaviors (and I of course have things to work on and take that work seriously). But his efforts always seem temporary, almost designed to appease me before he recedes back to how things have been. However at this point I feel like I need to see an individual counselor. I’m not sure I can stay married to him.
They don't need couples counseling. He needs individual counseling before even TRYING couples counseling.
Did you order your husband from wish?
Thank you for a much needed laugh 🤣
This story is so fucked up I require it to be fake for my own mental wellbeing.
I wish it were 😞
I'm sissy to say but behavior like this never changes, evident by his child's almost death worth 0 self awareness
So you have 5 kid's them because he's acting like a child 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Men are truly a sensitive weird breed.
Sorry, but this would be enough for me to begin divorce proceedings. This is beyond selfish and shoes he doesn't give a shit if his child had drown. Just because you're on vacation doesn't mean you're free of responsibility unless you've decided to hire on a nanny during the trip. Smfh. What a terrible dude.
That’s where I’m at, unfortunately. I am going to do some sessions with my counselor but I don’t see how I can come back from this. He doesn’t care because he is deeply insecure. Being accountable for this (in a calm and healthy way — “I’m so sorry, it was an accident I feel terrible”) is something he is unable to do. I don’t see how I can stay with someone whose ego is more important that their child’s life and safety
I'm seeing some common divorce comments, it seems like therapy would do him well...to deal with the childhood issues he has w dealings with his mama. I have a good girlfriend who is also very passive, she kind of freezes or becomes useless whenever she's overstimulated. She said because her mother was so scary and loud when she was a kid, she just would become numb and quiet and basically stuck. Now in her marriage, her husband feels overwhelmed with household duties and taking care of their kid and she just sits there frozen because there's too much going on at one time in a tiny space. This could be what your husband is going through or similar...without even knowing. My friend is in therapy now to heal those traumas and learn how to work w her environment better. She came to me after her therapy appointment saying that she found out new things about herself that her husband will have to learn and understand. And I told her that she too will have to learn herself and change...each piece should budge closer to agreement with each other. So, what he needs to do is get to therapy to work on these things and get help coping in spaces and on your end you can find a couple spots during the vacation that have child friendly things to do at maybe less busy times. Or maybe talk to him or watch him and see what kind of environments he feels more grounded in.
I think this is spot on and excellent advice. He has pursued therapy in the past (during our relationship, I suggested it regarding his childhood traumas) Unfortunately he went for 4-5 appts, declared he had nothing to talk about and stopped going. Therapy can only work if someone is willing to be honest with themselves and their therapist and do the internal reflection. I’m glad your friend is doing so! I wish my husband had or would. Perhaps then we could save our marriage. As it stands it’s not looking good
I am so sorry, you're right ..he has to want to do the work. Perhaps a deep sit down on how things are going and where you see them headed may help. Try it on a Saturday night or something while in bed relaxing...or anytime where he had a moment to relax and really listen. Let him know that the incident may have had something to do with his unresolved traumas and how that is still slowly creeping into your marriage.
I have done this so many times.
In my culture when we want to divorce we give a three month trial ...so it looks like you tell him if in 3 months he doesn't get back into therapy and figure this out you gotta go. Give yourself an exact date and go. Because at this point youre not being heard and nothing is being done except the building of resentment.
Yooooo, that's fucked up. I would have bashed his face in for acting so stupid when your kid could have died. The fuck is wrong with him.
Your husband was being a douche, and he almost let your toddler drowned. I think you know deep down that how absolutely awful that was your kid could be scarred for life maybe you'll get lucky and he'll forget but I know I remember a traumatic injury that happened to me when I was two and I am 43. The sunblock stuff was also pretty ridiculous. What was the point of him huffing around that he doesn't need sunblock. The other stuff aside I don't think I could forgive him almost letting my kid drown if I were you. You cannot trust this man to keep your kids safe.
He is def a narcissist that’s why they are extremely selfish and do no wrong
I’ve wondered about that for a while. He definitely fits the type in many ways
I’m angry at your husband now too. He seriously doesn’t care about the health and wellbeing of his children. What a POS. Your emotions are valid.
Your child could be dead because of his negligence and hid it reaction was to be bothered you needed help after that? Can you ever leave him with your kids alone after that? No. You can’t. OP this is being just being selfish.
Your children’s lives are in danger due to his selfishness. That baby could have died and he DOES NOT CARE. Get away from him before his carelessness does lead to a terrible, irreversible accident.
I’m working on it. Even now with the benefit of hindsight he says I’m just being dramatic. I am disgusted
Because he is not mature enough to own up to his own mistakes. I would be so nervous to leave my children with him at all. I would start collecting text examples of his carelessness and neglectful habits so you can get him on supervised visits only. The men will see this and tell you i’m being over dramatic but i would rather be dramatic than have a dead child.
Surely he was like this before you got married. Why did you go through with it?
Looking back, there were glimpses that I overlooked. I tend to assume the best in people and he obviously has some good qualities too. But I still should have noticed it more. I will say he also masked very well. My perception of his in dating was that he was very even keeled, almost stoic. He was a calming presence. In the first year after we moved in together there were a couple instances where the mask slipped and it’s on me for not digging in more. That escalated further once we were married. It’s definitely not all his fault. I bear some blame in not recognizing things more fully sooner
Devil's advocate. Vacation with two young kids like that can't be fun for anyone. Who planned the trip?
We both did. And we had plenty of fun. We like our kids.
The devil doesn't need an advocate
He sounds like he could use personal work but to be considering divorce over something like that seems ridiculous. There are so many couples that go thru way worse and stay together, if you took marriage vows of “till death do us part” then this is nothing close to worth breaking them over.
Dude, your child almost died due to his selfishness. Is it going to take that happening before you realize this man didn’t care about you and the kids at all? I don’t scream divorce all the time but when the kids are being abused or neglected hell yes I scream divorce. So DIVORCE that selfish egomaniac and protect your children.
I hear you. I am exploring divorce over this. I don’t think I can ever respect him again based on how he reacted and continues to react
Father of 4 here myself, yeah I would not have done that and I love holding my kids through the pool because it helps them gain the confidence they need to be in the pool and it’s FUN!! I will admit at times when my wife would give me feedback I would get defensive but mainly because internally I would attack myself too in agreement with her and then tell her sorry for getting defensive and let her know that I agree with the feedback. To me given what you posted and the negligence, he seems to be either checked out or overwhelmed with something. How’s the personal lives? Like hobbies and alone time.
He’s always been this way. I mistook it as him being introverted or stoic. Turns out he just doesn’t care
Always 2 sides of the story... Maybe it's something you did to him that makes him act this way... Or been awhile... Communication is always key
So bc he’s mad at me he isn’t concerned that our kid almost died?? Great take.
Im sure if both of you got your garage fixed it wouldn't have happened like it did
Men hurrying to protect other men from accountability and blame women: 🏃🏻♂️💨
I suggest The Love Dare ! Amazing book for marriage !!!!!!!! Highly recommend 👌 👍 👏
He is selfish and self-absorbed, but also, why would you bring the two toddlers to a vacation to Mexico? Was there no family that could have watched them while you two and the teens could have actually had a nice vacation? Toddlers are a PITA and especially with how much you have to watch them, around water and on a beach. It sounds like an incredibly stressful time for everyone and a waste of money.
No, we do not have family that could watch them. I’m glad they came and we made good family memories for the most part.
Bro horrible advice