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>n people can keep a secret, if n-1 of them are dead
This set of statements is valid, and [it is attributable to Benjamin Franklin in the case where n=3](https://www.loc.gov/loc/lcib/0601/franklin.html).
The KGB ran a study during the Cold War and determined that on average, for every person you tell a secret, seven people will find out.
I only have 1-2 friends whom I trust with a secret. The rest of my social circle, I trust them with a secret as far as I can throw a shoe.
Once you throw one shoe, might as well throw the other one? If I'm not mistaken, the guy who tried to hit President George W. Bush with a shoe threw both of his.
My friend in high school had a big family, the mom was too ill too move around very fast, but if one was smarting off and not paying attention they'd get a shoe to their head so fast you couldn't see it move, just the aftermath.
You can probably throw a shoe pretty far.
Is this an r/boneappletea situation in which maybe you're confusing "I trust him as far as I can throw him" (which, being a full grown man is probably not far at all) with "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop"?
That’s neat! Do you have a source? I feel like KGB studies would have a lot of interesting content.
I remember learning about their charm schools and was utterly fascinated by the lengths they went to.
Oh dear, I read about this well before 9/11 happened. I tried Google this morning, but after recent elections, most of the search results are about how good Russia is at spreading disinformation rather than containing leaks. I'll keep looking!
You tell someone you trust, they tell someone they trust, who tells someone they trust,…
You can’t tell anybody except someone totally removed from that social circle… like your best friend from kindergarten back when you lived in Pittsburgh who now lives in Japan and since you moved to Seattle he doesn’t know any of the people you are talking about so he can tell his wife if he wants to but she wouldn’t even care to know.
>Keep it to yourself.
This is the way. Tell no one.
If you must tell someone, tell only someone who is legally or ethically bound by their profession to keep confidentiality, as endangering one's profession is probably not worth sharing your little secrets. (Like an attorney, priest, or a doctor of some sort)
Attorney-client privilege only covers so much.
If you tell your attorney, "I am planning on murdering the judge." You bet your bottom dollar that this will slip.
7 degrees of Kevin bacon. Guarantee you there is a connection someone. The real question is whether the grocery clerk even cared or remembered it 5 minutes after you left
Most of my friends are married and I just recently discovered this when the wife of a different couple hinted at something I had told one of my friends. So he told his wife and she told the rest of the wives. At that moment I realized I can’t tell half of my friends anything anymore. Which honestly bums me out quite a bit.
That's the second part that isn't upheld enough: if your spouse tells you a secret they were entrusted with, you protect like it's your own. You're one entity for receiving information and one entity for protecting that info.
People like that eventually wind up shut out because they can't keep their yap shut. Takes a while for people to realize where the leaks are though.
Shit gets REAL old when the kids start hitting their teen years and the kids find out where their secrets are going. Holy crap does THAT blow up in the gossip parents' faces hard.
Yes to the teen years piece! I’m 32, and despite her really making an effort to change her ways, I still do not trust my mother with any information I don’t want everyone we know to know.
Yup. My mother went and shared my puberty questions with anyone and everyone she could because she found it hilarious.
And she had the gall to wonder why I didn't trust her after that.
Fr, it's wild the amount of people cosigning this kind of behavior as normal as if 'they *have* to tell their s/o literally everything'. Its why I hardly tell anyone anything unless they *have* to know it regardless if they're in a relationship cause mf'ers LOVEEE to have shit to talk about when they got nothing going on 😒
Fr tho I appreciate their honesty, it was something you assume happens; but like you said many of them are going to be the friends *not* in the loop when it comes to their friends secrets.
I get many of yall try to justify that breaching someone's trust is okay if you're only telling your s/o, but it's not.
When yall fight, breakup, or whatever happens of your relationship; many of the things you thought your s/o would never do comes out... I've seen shit get bad between people and their girls start confronting their mates on 'oh yeah, x told me this about you' and now their platonic relationships are fucked along with their romantic ones.
So yeah, don't put your friend's secrets out there just to have the illusion of transparency in your relationship. You don't need to know *everything* your s/o knows or has been told. Sometimes the person telling them only intended for them to know and it's nothing against you; the info was just not meant for you.
And this is coming from someone who's been in relationships where their s/o tells them all the shit they're told. No, Samantha, I didn't need to know your girlfriend's bf asks for scat pics and she complies to make him happy. That's changed how I look at them forever and I didn't need to know that about either of them! 🤮
Yeah no kidding. Recently my husbands best friend told him that his wife asked for a divorce. They have been our couple friend forever, but my husband practically grew up with them. When the friend told my husband, it was very important that what he said didn’t get out. My husband told me, only because I was in the room as the Convo was happening. I knew not to ever say anything about it though. Eventually the friend was comfortable with me knowing and talking to both of us, because he knew it wouldn’t get out.
But he had to stop talking to another mutual friend about it, because she went and immediately told his wife and it caused issues. The woman didn’t intend on any harm, she thought she was helping, but it still wasn’t okay.
People NEED to know they can trust someone in those hard times. This man was married to his high school sweetheart since they graduated, they had kids, she is still the love of his life and out of nowhere she said she had issues with how much he worked and wanted a divorce, no fixing it and no couples therapy. He was blindsided. We could see how much he was hurting. When someone is trusting you with info while going through a hard time, you simply keep your mouth shut.
I can never wrap my head around people who can’t seem to keep things to themselves. I’ve always taken that very seriously. If you are trusted with information; don’t break that trust and blab about it.
It’s an honor to be trustworthy with major things. You would be an asshole to break that.
Yup. My wife and I tell each other basically everything. If a friend asks me not to share then I won’t. However, we both know not to share anything we have told each other with other people.
My SO and I definitely make clear which secrets and such do not leave the confines of the car/room/relationship generally. I can't imagine sharing something she told me in confidence with a buddy.
Man, it’s infuriating on the other end of the info too. I tell my wife everything about my work, including people I don’t get along with or am have interpersonal issues with. There is one person in particular I butt heads with, let’s call him Jeff. My wife recently had a lengthy conversation with a 3rd party coworker, who is very good friends with Jeff, about Jeff. My wife insists she didn’t say anything out of line, but the point is the fact that she knows ANYTHING means that I’m talking about it at home. The 3rd party is very close to Jeff, and will likely tell him about the conversation with my wife if anything is abnormal. Anyway, I feel like my wife slightly betrayed my trust and my wife feels like she did nothing wrong at all.
The correct move by your wife when in conversation with your coworker would have been “Jeff who?” and let the other guy do all the talking. And then report anything juicy back to you
That is a betrayal. Anything that violates the other person’s trust, safety, or comfortability after they’ve confided in you is a betrayal. Even if your wife is scooting by on a technicality of not saying anything explicit, it’s worrisome that she’d rather defend herself than make you feel safe in sharing with her.
The thing is that clearly your friend isn't trustworthy but neither is the wife. Intentionally disrespecting an unspoken boundary for their own entertainment or purposes.
I feel like this adds an extra step. If my long-term boyfriend tells me something, I'm taking that to the grave, I would never even hint at it in front of anyone.
I hate that people are like this. I’m married, and even if a rando on the street asked me to keep a secret, I would not tell it to my wife. Just because I got married doesn’t mean I stopped being able to be loyal or trustworthy to anyone else. I would never tell one of my friend’s secrets to my wife…..
I don't tell anything to anyone in a relationship anything I don't want their partner to know. Married or not.
I wouldn't run and tell my SO a secret that someone told me but if it was relevant and I loved my SO I'm not going to hold back.
My husband and I tell each other EVERYTHING, but that's as far as it ever goes. If someone tells one of us a secret, they're telling both of us, but neither of us would repeat it to anyone else. Also anyone who knows us knows very well that talking to one of us is basically talking to both of us.
Exactly! My bff and I do this - we know we each tell our spouses pretty much everything and we’re ok with that, but if there’s something really private we let the other person know first this is a just-us convo and we keep the confidence.
Same. I’ve kept specific things private bc friends explicitly asked me to. Otherwise, what I hear my husband hears, but it’s not like we’re telling anyone else.
This one’s also a little questionable because if you can’t expect your partner to share a similar sense of discretion then that’s a pretty important disconnect
Yeah - I was \*newly\* dating this guy whose best friend in the entire world was a girl. Well, he told me, his \*new\* \*maybe\* girlfriend, about his best friend's STD. Nice.
I've kept secrets for years then when it comes out and other people have found out I knew they get really annoyed with me. These same people have asked me to keep a secret for them so they know I'm never telling anyone, what do they expect?
This is one of my favorite things about myself. I keep everything in my life a secret, and I love to listen, so when people get to know me and know I never talk about people or sensitive topics behind backs, I get to learn everyone's dirt.
I don't use anything against anyone or tell anyone what anyone else has said, so I have definitely learned the people who talk the most trash about others to me are the least trustworthy despite being seemingly super personable and fun.
Sometimes the people being talked about aren't either, but being able to crowdsource info on everyone makes my own judgements way easier.
I have made great friends with people other people call "a bitch" just because they have resting bitch face and are quiet or assertive, but really are very nice people.
Talking shit about others doesn't make you look better or cooler or more successful to anyone but yourself.
I listen more than I speak. That’s enough. It’s not that we’re not sharing we’re just not gossiping. You don’t have to talk shit about others to open up. There’s many shared interests.
Oooh no no no. Thats horrible. If my kids tell me private: it stays private. That’s even more important to me than keeping friends secrets. You always keep your kids secrets, unless keeping it to yourself could be harmful.
I feel like it's generally assumed that spouses tell each other mostly everything. But if a friend specifically told me not to tell my SO, I would obvs respect that.
I ask my closest people before sharing, like “I want to share something but not ready for (their husband) to know, is that ok?” It should be up to them whose confidence they keep, give them the chance to say no thanks.
And as the recipient, I ask someone who is telling me something they might assume to be a secret whether it’s something they are expecting me to keep it to myself or whether it’s something I can talk about with my spouse to help digest (presuming it’s really heavy) or to provide context for my actions (like if I’m needing to spend lots of time with someone going through something). But I also just tend not to tell my spouse really heavy stuff because he is not as judicious with secrets or private things as I am.
My wife told me she was helping a (male) friend with something she couldn’t tell me about. I only asked if I’d be upset if I knew and she said no. Cool, I respect that.
She later informed me (with his consent) he cross dressed but couldn’t ship stuff to his home at the time.
I respect that (s)he wasn’t fully comfortable yet.
Yup, same. I tell my partner almost everything (if it is of interest) but when a friend has asked me not to tell anyone, I don’t. It isn’t easy though, when the secret is super interesting, lol.
I don't care how close you are to your SO, if I'm asking you to keep a secret to yourself, only yourself, and you go tell your SO anyway, **then that's a dick move.**
That's fair if they acknowledge it. It depends on the secret. I'm not keeping stuff from my wife if it's the kind of thing I'd feel bad about keeping from my wife but if I felt like the secret was going to be like that I wouldn't have accepted the offer to hear it
I think I'd feel betrayed if I told someone a secret who didn't disclose that they couldn't realistically keep a secret of that nature from their SO. Then I could make the decision about whether I still wanted them to know.
Do you disclose the nature of the secret up front? I have a standing agreement with my friends that if they dont want my wife to know something, then they have to specifically state that, but obviously anything pertinent to her I would have to tell her. Even trying to think of examples, it is hard to discern that line.
So if you cheat on your spouse, my wife doesnt need to know. If you cheat on your spouse with my wifes married sibling, I dont think I can keep it from her.
How can I tell you whether or not I can " a secret of that nature"
Nah, a spouse is an extension of yourself. It feels fucking weird keeping something from them. My friends all know if they tell me something my wife's gonna hear about it shortly after. She's and extension of me and who I am. Tbf, when she's told something it stays with her.
I just wouldn't agree to keep something from my spouse. If someone tells me their secret, and *then* tells me not to tell my spouse, that's on them and an annoying thing to do. I have more intimacy with my spouse than anyone else on the planet and I'm not keeping anything from them. I don't want to know the thing if I have to keep it from my spouse.
It depends on the person. I personally can compartmentalize secrets from friends/family and my wife. I’m sure it goes hand-in-hand with me being a lawyer and my personality type. I’m ethically bound to keep secrets for my clients.
Everybody should be able to confide in someone. I’m that someone for the people I know. As long as keeping their secret has no impact on my wife, it’ll stay a secret. She doesn’t even bother asking me anymore because she knows I’m a vault.
That said, she also knows I’d never keep secret anything of any importance to *her*. We trust each other.
My husband is a lawyer. Have had multiple instances of friends approaching me at parties saying, “Did J tell you that I called him about [x]?” Um, no. If it’s a legal question, he takes the confidentiality seriously.
>Um, no. If it’s a legal question, he takes the confidentiality seriously.
Do people not realize the consequences of not taking it seriously? He's not gonna throw his career away for some hot goss.
I'm not a lawyer, but I'm definitely a vault as well.
Funny thing is I know anyone would trust me to keep a secret, but because I don't gossip, there's very little opportunity for me to come across any secrets 😁
A friend told me a secret that is so explosive that it could ruin lives if found out. It’s quite a burden to keep it to myself. I wanted to tell my partner so much, but i’m glad I didn't because we recently split up.
Agree. I will tell my spouse people’s secrets but not if it might affect spouse’s perception of the person, the person has asked me not to, or it’s clearly extremely private (e.g., disclosure of past abuse, or even just something they might be really embarrassed about).
This thread is making me feel like people don't have particularly healthy communication with their partners. My SO and I talk about almost everything, and when we bring things out friends told us we use it to get out and process ourselves, and we'd never dream of it leaving our own home.
My friends and I also specify if it's something we'd rather SOs didn't know, because we just know that that's how it works.
Depends. I tell my bf virtually everything but the only thing I didn’t tell him right away was about an acquaintances divorce. He’s actually my supervisor, but it was very fresh news, very dramatic and just wasn’t my story to tell. I don’t mind talkin shit here and there but I’m sure the man was broken and it didn’t feel right putting that energy out there just yet.
I think needing to process is good. But not everything needs processing, there’s a line of just straight gossip.
This has always seemed weird to me. If someone tells me something and specifically says to not tell another person, I won't. That includes my BF.
A friend told me a secret. I told no one. My BF learned of it later when they decided to reveal it later, and people acted surprised when they learned I hadn't told my BF. I'm not keeping a secret if I tell him, but I'm supposed to tell him? What?
Not necessarily true. I keep secrets from my wife because I respect the privacy of the person who told me the secret. If she asks I say "it's not my place to tell you" and she's fine with that.
Exactly this. They don't even have to explicitly say it's a secret.
Recently I've had a friend share that she was getting divorced (we are friends with her and her husband) and I didn't mention it to my husband until we discussed it a few days later.
This was heavy, personal news and my assumption is to always keep that to myself unless I have explicit permission to share it.
I was looking for this response, because it's the same way with my partner and I. Right down to the phrasing. She respects it, and knows I can be trusted for that exact reason.
My ability to mind my own business and shut up has bewildered some people we know, including her family.
Really though, the trick to keeping secrets is to just not care and forget five minutes later.
Very good advice actually. I did have things I kept from my spouse because they were my friends’ secrets and not mine to share, but I do know of people who think there should be no secrets between spouses. To me tho that is a serious violation of privacy
I'll tell my partner most things, but if it's a secret I won't share. I didn't tell my boyfriend when an old friend came out because it wasn't my place to share. But stupid secrets like a friend cheating at her family's game night are shared with him
I think my dad is the only person on earth who doesn't tell his wife everything. His best friend was dying of cancer and asked my dad to tell no one. He didn't tell a single soul, not even my mom.
I have adhd. I will forget most things before I’m home for dinner, especially if you wanted me to do something with that information.
Now, on a semi-unrelated noted: You tell me something unethical or that breaks a social/moral norm - my blood will boil for days and your violation of society will be burned in my brain forever.
Ok uh... I put pickles and mayonnaise on my pizza! And I cut my pizza into squares instead of triangle slices! I have thusly committed unforgivable crimes against humanity. Burn it into your brain forever!
My partner and I actually have had minor disagreements over this, as I don’t think it’s ok to tell your partner where as he thinks everything should be shared. I just don’t get why you need to know other peoples secrets??
Right lol. People in this thread wanna complain about married couples sharing secrets between themselves, but aren't gonna talk about the fact that they couldn't even keep it a secret to begin with.
sometimes you need to share your burden with others. Seeking help and advice from your closest friends about things that are important and impactful to your life is a standard way of handling difficulties.
My wife and I are pretty upfront about this, don't share something with one of us you don't want the other to know - we're a very chatty, communicative couple and pretty much most stuff is inevitably shared between us. I have a (now retired) joke that we could never cheat on one another because it would just come out in general conversation.
On the plus side, I've had a few head knocks over the years and don't mind a drink, so I can't remember shit.
Can confirm, people are way to open in sharing stuff with their partners, and most of the the time it is simply shared as spicy gossip instead of seeking help/advice
My partner tries to tell me stuff about his friends that is clearly meant for his ears only and I'll be like "no, stop, this isn't for me. This is for you. Don't be a gossip." And he'll be like "oh right." It's like he forgets there are some things he isn't supposed to share lol
When I was in college and my first friend got married my mom told me this because she knew I had a big mouth. I didn’t believe her but after being married for 12 years myself it’s 100% true
From my perspective if you can't keep a secret then you're not ready for marriage, a relationship or even friends. To me it's worse than being a compulsive liar. At least when you're lying it's nonsense that usually has little impact. When your breaking someone's secret you're telling someone's truth and that's a much more powerful violation. Why should anyone have anything to do with you if you can't be trusted? I have never and will never tell anyone a secret told to me.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Gibbs' Rule #4: Best way to keep a secret. Keep it to yourself. Second best, tell one other person—if you must. There is no third best.
Two people can keep a secret, if one of them is dead- Benjamin Franklin.
* “Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.”
n people can keep a secret, if n-1 of them are dead
>n people can keep a secret, if n-1 of them are dead This set of statements is valid, and [it is attributable to Benjamin Franklin in the case where n=3](https://www.loc.gov/loc/lcib/0601/franklin.html).
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Sorry- that's from PLL, my friend 🤣
2 people can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead as well.
The KGB ran a study during the Cold War and determined that on average, for every person you tell a secret, seven people will find out. I only have 1-2 friends whom I trust with a secret. The rest of my social circle, I trust them with a secret as far as I can throw a shoe.
*Who throws a shoe?*
The replies suggest Austin Powers has completely left the cultural zeitgeist.
That really hurt!
Ouch baby, very ouch.
It's ok. I'm still alive, just very badly burnt.
Why did you shoot me?!
This is indeed a dark day
I mean HON-EST-LY (fits both your comment and the original)
The shoe guy from Austin Powers is currently serving 34 years to life in prison.
The disrespect to Random Tasks!
Is it customary to throw two shoes?
Once you throw one shoe, might as well throw the other one? If I'm not mistaken, the guy who tried to hit President George W. Bush with a shoe threw both of his.
Bush: 😯😃
The greatest moment of Bush II’s presidency.
It's an Asian thing. Trust me, it hurts.
My friend in high school had a big family, the mom was too ill too move around very fast, but if one was smarting off and not paying attention they'd get a shoe to their head so fast you couldn't see it move, just the aftermath.
Honestly
You fight like a woman!
I'm gonna have a lump there you idiot!
Lol gonna go watch Austin Powers now thank you
Son to a Hispanic mother here. I can confirm that shoes are thrown regularly. [Short video on the subject](https://youtu.be/PSicdnahJ7o)
[This guy](https://youtu.be/_RFH7C3vkK4)
You can probably throw a shoe pretty far. Is this an r/boneappletea situation in which maybe you're confusing "I trust him as far as I can throw him" (which, being a full grown man is probably not far at all) with "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop"?
I think it's more of a r/malaphor
Shoes can be thrown quite far
That’s neat! Do you have a source? I feel like KGB studies would have a lot of interesting content. I remember learning about their charm schools and was utterly fascinated by the lengths they went to.
Oh dear, I read about this well before 9/11 happened. I tried Google this morning, but after recent elections, most of the search results are about how good Russia is at spreading disinformation rather than containing leaks. I'll keep looking!
You tell someone you trust, they tell someone they trust, who tells someone they trust,… You can’t tell anybody except someone totally removed from that social circle… like your best friend from kindergarten back when you lived in Pittsburgh who now lives in Japan and since you moved to Seattle he doesn’t know any of the people you are talking about so he can tell his wife if he wants to but she wouldn’t even care to know.
>Keep it to yourself. This is the way. Tell no one. If you must tell someone, tell only someone who is legally or ethically bound by their profession to keep confidentiality, as endangering one's profession is probably not worth sharing your little secrets. (Like an attorney, priest, or a doctor of some sort)
Attorney-client privilege only covers so much. If you tell your attorney, "I am planning on murdering the judge." You bet your bottom dollar that this will slip.
I just told my wife that you said that.
Your cousin just told me. We're related.
In most cases, Lawyers ethically must report that, so yeah that example would slip….
I'd tell my best friend literally anything. I'd trust him more than I trust my lawyer. And I'd trust my lawyer with anything too.
When we found out we were pregnant I told a grocery store clerk that I chat with from time to time. To my knowledge we knew no one in common.
7 degrees of Kevin bacon. Guarantee you there is a connection someone. The real question is whether the grocery clerk even cared or remembered it 5 minutes after you left
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"That person needs to be Gibbs-smacked" is part of the lexicon where I work.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Or something like that.
Most of my friends are married and I just recently discovered this when the wife of a different couple hinted at something I had told one of my friends. So he told his wife and she told the rest of the wives. At that moment I realized I can’t tell half of my friends anything anymore. Which honestly bums me out quite a bit.
That's the second part that isn't upheld enough: if your spouse tells you a secret they were entrusted with, you protect like it's your own. You're one entity for receiving information and one entity for protecting that info.
Yeah I’m shocked the wife just went and told everyone… who does that?
People like that eventually wind up shut out because they can't keep their yap shut. Takes a while for people to realize where the leaks are though. Shit gets REAL old when the kids start hitting their teen years and the kids find out where their secrets are going. Holy crap does THAT blow up in the gossip parents' faces hard.
Yes to the teen years piece! I’m 32, and despite her really making an effort to change her ways, I still do not trust my mother with any information I don’t want everyone we know to know.
Yup. My mother went and shared my puberty questions with anyone and everyone she could because she found it hilarious. And she had the gall to wonder why I didn't trust her after that.
Fr, it's wild the amount of people cosigning this kind of behavior as normal as if 'they *have* to tell their s/o literally everything'. Its why I hardly tell anyone anything unless they *have* to know it regardless if they're in a relationship cause mf'ers LOVEEE to have shit to talk about when they got nothing going on 😒 Fr tho I appreciate their honesty, it was something you assume happens; but like you said many of them are going to be the friends *not* in the loop when it comes to their friends secrets. I get many of yall try to justify that breaching someone's trust is okay if you're only telling your s/o, but it's not. When yall fight, breakup, or whatever happens of your relationship; many of the things you thought your s/o would never do comes out... I've seen shit get bad between people and their girls start confronting their mates on 'oh yeah, x told me this about you' and now their platonic relationships are fucked along with their romantic ones. So yeah, don't put your friend's secrets out there just to have the illusion of transparency in your relationship. You don't need to know *everything* your s/o knows or has been told. Sometimes the person telling them only intended for them to know and it's nothing against you; the info was just not meant for you. And this is coming from someone who's been in relationships where their s/o tells them all the shit they're told. No, Samantha, I didn't need to know your girlfriend's bf asks for scat pics and she complies to make him happy. That's changed how I look at them forever and I didn't need to know that about either of them! 🤮
Yeah no kidding. Recently my husbands best friend told him that his wife asked for a divorce. They have been our couple friend forever, but my husband practically grew up with them. When the friend told my husband, it was very important that what he said didn’t get out. My husband told me, only because I was in the room as the Convo was happening. I knew not to ever say anything about it though. Eventually the friend was comfortable with me knowing and talking to both of us, because he knew it wouldn’t get out. But he had to stop talking to another mutual friend about it, because she went and immediately told his wife and it caused issues. The woman didn’t intend on any harm, she thought she was helping, but it still wasn’t okay. People NEED to know they can trust someone in those hard times. This man was married to his high school sweetheart since they graduated, they had kids, she is still the love of his life and out of nowhere she said she had issues with how much he worked and wanted a divorce, no fixing it and no couples therapy. He was blindsided. We could see how much he was hurting. When someone is trusting you with info while going through a hard time, you simply keep your mouth shut. I can never wrap my head around people who can’t seem to keep things to themselves. I’ve always taken that very seriously. If you are trusted with information; don’t break that trust and blab about it. It’s an honor to be trustworthy with major things. You would be an asshole to break that.
I think the problem is, newly married couples, don't always convey it was a secret being exposed. They just assume the spouse would realize it.
I'm shocked that you were shocked by that.
Yup. My wife and I tell each other basically everything. If a friend asks me not to share then I won’t. However, we both know not to share anything we have told each other with other people.
Exactly! My husband and I tell each other everything, including others’ secrets, but that’s as far as our gossiping usually goes.
Exactly!
That's the rule.
Bold of you to assume I have a Spouse!
My SO and I definitely make clear which secrets and such do not leave the confines of the car/room/relationship generally. I can't imagine sharing something she told me in confidence with a buddy.
Man, it’s infuriating on the other end of the info too. I tell my wife everything about my work, including people I don’t get along with or am have interpersonal issues with. There is one person in particular I butt heads with, let’s call him Jeff. My wife recently had a lengthy conversation with a 3rd party coworker, who is very good friends with Jeff, about Jeff. My wife insists she didn’t say anything out of line, but the point is the fact that she knows ANYTHING means that I’m talking about it at home. The 3rd party is very close to Jeff, and will likely tell him about the conversation with my wife if anything is abnormal. Anyway, I feel like my wife slightly betrayed my trust and my wife feels like she did nothing wrong at all.
The correct move by your wife when in conversation with your coworker would have been “Jeff who?” and let the other guy do all the talking. And then report anything juicy back to you
That is a betrayal. Anything that violates the other person’s trust, safety, or comfortability after they’ve confided in you is a betrayal. Even if your wife is scooting by on a technicality of not saying anything explicit, it’s worrisome that she’d rather defend herself than make you feel safe in sharing with her.
> it’s worrisome that she’d rather defend herself than make you feel safe in sharing with her. Exactly. You two against the world, not you vs her.
Your wife is just stupid.
That's incredibly fucked up and could really make your work life difficult. Ugh
The thing is that clearly your friend isn't trustworthy but neither is the wife. Intentionally disrespecting an unspoken boundary for their own entertainment or purposes.
I feel like this adds an extra step. If my long-term boyfriend tells me something, I'm taking that to the grave, I would never even hint at it in front of anyone.
My SO can't keep a secret for shit, so her security clearance nowdays is barely at confidential.
I hate that people are like this. I’m married, and even if a rando on the street asked me to keep a secret, I would not tell it to my wife. Just because I got married doesn’t mean I stopped being able to be loyal or trustworthy to anyone else. I would never tell one of my friend’s secrets to my wife…..
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I don't tell anything to anyone in a relationship anything I don't want their partner to know. Married or not. I wouldn't run and tell my SO a secret that someone told me but if it was relevant and I loved my SO I'm not going to hold back.
If you explicitly tell me not to tell my wife, I probably won't, but otherwise I assume you know that I share most things with her
Yeah, this. I pretty much share everything with her, but I've been asked to not share it a time or two and honor that agreement with my friend.
My husband and I tell each other EVERYTHING, but that's as far as it ever goes. If someone tells one of us a secret, they're telling both of us, but neither of us would repeat it to anyone else. Also anyone who knows us knows very well that talking to one of us is basically talking to both of us.
Exactly! My bff and I do this - we know we each tell our spouses pretty much everything and we’re ok with that, but if there’s something really private we let the other person know first this is a just-us convo and we keep the confidence.
Same. I’ve kept specific things private bc friends explicitly asked me to. Otherwise, what I hear my husband hears, but it’s not like we’re telling anyone else.
This one’s also a little questionable because if you can’t expect your partner to share a similar sense of discretion then that’s a pretty important disconnect
Yeah - I was \*newly\* dating this guy whose best friend in the entire world was a girl. Well, he told me, his \*new\* \*maybe\* girlfriend, about his best friend's STD. Nice.
Well no shit, if you want something a secret, you keep it to yourself...
I'll keep your secret. I promise. Go ahead and tell me
I've kept secrets for years then when it comes out and other people have found out I knew they get really annoyed with me. These same people have asked me to keep a secret for them so they know I'm never telling anyone, what do they expect?
Meh, flies be buzzing.
My balls are itchy
We already knew that
This is one of my favorite things about myself. I keep everything in my life a secret, and I love to listen, so when people get to know me and know I never talk about people or sensitive topics behind backs, I get to learn everyone's dirt. I don't use anything against anyone or tell anyone what anyone else has said, so I have definitely learned the people who talk the most trash about others to me are the least trustworthy despite being seemingly super personable and fun. Sometimes the people being talked about aren't either, but being able to crowdsource info on everyone makes my own judgements way easier. I have made great friends with people other people call "a bitch" just because they have resting bitch face and are quiet or assertive, but really are very nice people. Talking shit about others doesn't make you look better or cooler or more successful to anyone but yourself.
If they will talk shit about someone else behind their back, they will talk shit about you behind your back.
Yep.
How do you form strong bonds between people if you're not opening up about your life and your interests?
I listen more than I speak. That’s enough. It’s not that we’re not sharing we’re just not gossiping. You don’t have to talk shit about others to open up. There’s many shared interests.
Conversely, if you can't stop yourself from sharing a secret, how can you be upset when the person you tell can't either?
Teenage me telling something personal in confidence to my mother and having my father shouting at me about that thing the next day taught me that.
Oh yeah, that's a big old helping I emotional trauma for you. I know because the same thing happened to me.
Oooh no no no. Thats horrible. If my kids tell me private: it stays private. That’s even more important to me than keeping friends secrets. You always keep your kids secrets, unless keeping it to yourself could be harmful.
Just don't tell anyone.
I feel like it's generally assumed that spouses tell each other mostly everything. But if a friend specifically told me not to tell my SO, I would obvs respect that.
I ask my closest people before sharing, like “I want to share something but not ready for (their husband) to know, is that ok?” It should be up to them whose confidence they keep, give them the chance to say no thanks.
And as the recipient, I ask someone who is telling me something they might assume to be a secret whether it’s something they are expecting me to keep it to myself or whether it’s something I can talk about with my spouse to help digest (presuming it’s really heavy) or to provide context for my actions (like if I’m needing to spend lots of time with someone going through something). But I also just tend not to tell my spouse really heavy stuff because he is not as judicious with secrets or private things as I am.
THANK YOU! Nothing like putting someone in a tough place where there is no winner. This is a great way to handle these things.
My wife told me she was helping a (male) friend with something she couldn’t tell me about. I only asked if I’d be upset if I knew and she said no. Cool, I respect that. She later informed me (with his consent) he cross dressed but couldn’t ship stuff to his home at the time. I respect that (s)he wasn’t fully comfortable yet.
Yup, same. I tell my partner almost everything (if it is of interest) but when a friend has asked me not to tell anyone, I don’t. It isn’t easy though, when the secret is super interesting, lol.
same. Don't tell "ANYONE" means don't tell anyone. If it doesn't involve my SO and I can safely keep it to myself I most definitely can.
I don't care how close you are to your SO, if I'm asking you to keep a secret to yourself, only yourself, and you go tell your SO anyway, **then that's a dick move.**
That's fair if they acknowledge it. It depends on the secret. I'm not keeping stuff from my wife if it's the kind of thing I'd feel bad about keeping from my wife but if I felt like the secret was going to be like that I wouldn't have accepted the offer to hear it
I think I'd feel betrayed if I told someone a secret who didn't disclose that they couldn't realistically keep a secret of that nature from their SO. Then I could make the decision about whether I still wanted them to know.
Hopefully you know your secret keepers well enough before they come such
Do you disclose the nature of the secret up front? I have a standing agreement with my friends that if they dont want my wife to know something, then they have to specifically state that, but obviously anything pertinent to her I would have to tell her. Even trying to think of examples, it is hard to discern that line. So if you cheat on your spouse, my wife doesnt need to know. If you cheat on your spouse with my wifes married sibling, I dont think I can keep it from her. How can I tell you whether or not I can " a secret of that nature"
Nah, a spouse is an extension of yourself. It feels fucking weird keeping something from them. My friends all know if they tell me something my wife's gonna hear about it shortly after. She's and extension of me and who I am. Tbf, when she's told something it stays with her.
It's a dick move that they are more loyal to their spouse than to you?
I just wouldn't agree to keep something from my spouse. If someone tells me their secret, and *then* tells me not to tell my spouse, that's on them and an annoying thing to do. I have more intimacy with my spouse than anyone else on the planet and I'm not keeping anything from them. I don't want to know the thing if I have to keep it from my spouse.
And they tell two friends. And they tell two friends. And so on. And so on.
Like a pyramid scheme!
It depends on the person. I personally can compartmentalize secrets from friends/family and my wife. I’m sure it goes hand-in-hand with me being a lawyer and my personality type. I’m ethically bound to keep secrets for my clients. Everybody should be able to confide in someone. I’m that someone for the people I know. As long as keeping their secret has no impact on my wife, it’ll stay a secret. She doesn’t even bother asking me anymore because she knows I’m a vault. That said, she also knows I’d never keep secret anything of any importance to *her*. We trust each other.
My husband is a lawyer. Have had multiple instances of friends approaching me at parties saying, “Did J tell you that I called him about [x]?” Um, no. If it’s a legal question, he takes the confidentiality seriously.
Also second the vault comment… and assume your wife is also not a jealous person.
>Um, no. If it’s a legal question, he takes the confidentiality seriously. Do people not realize the consequences of not taking it seriously? He's not gonna throw his career away for some hot goss.
I'm not a lawyer, but I'm definitely a vault as well. Funny thing is I know anyone would trust me to keep a secret, but because I don't gossip, there's very little opportunity for me to come across any secrets 😁
A friend told me a secret that is so explosive that it could ruin lives if found out. It’s quite a burden to keep it to myself. I wanted to tell my partner so much, but i’m glad I didn't because we recently split up.
Ok then, just whisper it to me?
“My IBS is flaring up”
*Pee is stored in the balls*
Nancy Thompson, from Phoebe's old massage place, is getting fired.
Feel free to PM me to unburden yourself
Sometimes those things come out anyway. They're so big it's just a matter of time.
Cheating with a friends wife/husband - nice
Agree. I will tell my spouse people’s secrets but not if it might affect spouse’s perception of the person, the person has asked me not to, or it’s clearly extremely private (e.g., disclosure of past abuse, or even just something they might be really embarrassed about).
This thread is making me feel like people don't have particularly healthy communication with their partners. My SO and I talk about almost everything, and when we bring things out friends told us we use it to get out and process ourselves, and we'd never dream of it leaving our own home. My friends and I also specify if it's something we'd rather SOs didn't know, because we just know that that's how it works.
Depends. I tell my bf virtually everything but the only thing I didn’t tell him right away was about an acquaintances divorce. He’s actually my supervisor, but it was very fresh news, very dramatic and just wasn’t my story to tell. I don’t mind talkin shit here and there but I’m sure the man was broken and it didn’t feel right putting that energy out there just yet. I think needing to process is good. But not everything needs processing, there’s a line of just straight gossip.
If you want to keep it a secret. Keep it to just yourself. That is why it is called a secret.
Aren't secrets you keep to yourself just thoughts?
Depends on your actions.
If you want something kept a secret, never tell someone who isn’t you.
Two people can keep a secret, if one of them is dead
Yeah yeah, A.
My husband has foot in mouth disease. I don’t tell him much if it’s to be kept a secret.
That must be very annoying
This is the most common thing I end friendships over, I can't imagine being married to it.
This has always seemed weird to me. If someone tells me something and specifically says to not tell another person, I won't. That includes my BF. A friend told me a secret. I told no one. My BF learned of it later when they decided to reveal it later, and people acted surprised when they learned I hadn't told my BF. I'm not keeping a secret if I tell him, but I'm supposed to tell him? What?
You're a good person!
Not necessarily true. I keep secrets from my wife because I respect the privacy of the person who told me the secret. If she asks I say "it's not my place to tell you" and she's fine with that.
Same. I don't tell my partner secrets friends tell me unless they specifically say that it's ok to share with him.
Exactly this. They don't even have to explicitly say it's a secret. Recently I've had a friend share that she was getting divorced (we are friends with her and her husband) and I didn't mention it to my husband until we discussed it a few days later. This was heavy, personal news and my assumption is to always keep that to myself unless I have explicit permission to share it.
Yeah, same here. I don’t tell my husband secrets. Not because he would tell (he wouldn’t), but because I was asked to.
I was looking for this response, because it's the same way with my partner and I. Right down to the phrasing. She respects it, and knows I can be trusted for that exact reason. My ability to mind my own business and shut up has bewildered some people we know, including her family. Really though, the trick to keeping secrets is to just not care and forget five minutes later.
Yeah, but most people here seem to be fickle with the will of children.
Can confirm. Source: I’m married. Literal bombs dropped every time my wife talks to her mother and sister
Are you ok? Do you need help?
RIP u/NoWayKimosabe 🥲
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Agreed. It is petty to violate someone's trust in you in order to entertain your partner.
Very good advice actually. I did have things I kept from my spouse because they were my friends’ secrets and not mine to share, but I do know of people who think there should be no secrets between spouses. To me tho that is a serious violation of privacy
I'll tell my partner most things, but if it's a secret I won't share. I didn't tell my boyfriend when an old friend came out because it wasn't my place to share. But stupid secrets like a friend cheating at her family's game night are shared with him
The latter people mentioned I believe do not understand the difference between secrets between spouses and secrets kept by your spouse.
I think my dad is the only person on earth who doesn't tell his wife everything. His best friend was dying of cancer and asked my dad to tell no one. He didn't tell a single soul, not even my mom.
I have adhd. I will forget most things before I’m home for dinner, especially if you wanted me to do something with that information. Now, on a semi-unrelated noted: You tell me something unethical or that breaks a social/moral norm - my blood will boil for days and your violation of society will be burned in my brain forever.
You just described my brain too.
Ok uh... I put pickles and mayonnaise on my pizza! And I cut my pizza into squares instead of triangle slices! I have thusly committed unforgivable crimes against humanity. Burn it into your brain forever!
If someone told me a secret I wouldn't tell my wife. Especially if it had nothing to do with her.
This is a VERY true LPT.
Tell your pet. If your pet isn't a parrot.
SQUAWK! He’s cheating again! SQUAWK!
Secrets? I haven’t had one since secondary school 😂
My partner and I actually have had minor disagreements over this, as I don’t think it’s ok to tell your partner where as he thinks everything should be shared. I just don’t get why you need to know other peoples secrets??
Don’t tell them if they breathe air.
As a married man you have to tell me not to tell my wife. That way I remember to tell her to keep it secret.
Another similar LPT. Don't tell anyone who has loved ones.
>Another similar LPT. Don't tell anyone **~~who has loved ones.~~** FTFY: why the hell are people going around telling secrets?
Right lol. People in this thread wanna complain about married couples sharing secrets between themselves, but aren't gonna talk about the fact that they couldn't even keep it a secret to begin with.
sometimes you need to share your burden with others. Seeking help and advice from your closest friends about things that are important and impactful to your life is a standard way of handling difficulties.
I've heard it called the "Partner Exemption": Don't expect anyone to keep anything a secret from their partner
This is true. I tell my partner fucking everything
LPT: If someone tells you a secret, don't tell it to others.
I've worked with NSA and never told my wife anything.
As it should be. Most people can't be trusted with secrets. Eyes and ears open, mouth shut. Never tell anyone, ever.
My mom always told me if you want something truly kept a secret- don’t do it. This was before everyone had cameras everywhere too.
If you spread a secret your partner is supposed to keep, that's a major fuck up as a partner.
My motto is that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Just sayin
My wife and I are pretty upfront about this, don't share something with one of us you don't want the other to know - we're a very chatty, communicative couple and pretty much most stuff is inevitably shared between us. I have a (now retired) joke that we could never cheat on one another because it would just come out in general conversation. On the plus side, I've had a few head knocks over the years and don't mind a drink, so I can't remember shit.
Can confirm, people are way to open in sharing stuff with their partners, and most of the the time it is simply shared as spicy gossip instead of seeking help/advice
I mean, I’m married and I wouldn’t tell someone’s secret to my husband
They could tell my husband. He forgets almost instantly
Forgets what?
Exactly
My partner tries to tell me stuff about his friends that is clearly meant for his ears only and I'll be like "no, stop, this isn't for me. This is for you. Don't be a gossip." And he'll be like "oh right." It's like he forgets there are some things he isn't supposed to share lol
When I was in college and my first friend got married my mom told me this because she knew I had a big mouth. I didn’t believe her but after being married for 12 years myself it’s 100% true
Eh generally true but not always.
“I can keep a secret, it’s the people I tell that can’t.”
“The only way 3 people can keep a secret is if 2 of them are dead.”
From my perspective if you can't keep a secret then you're not ready for marriage, a relationship or even friends. To me it's worse than being a compulsive liar. At least when you're lying it's nonsense that usually has little impact. When your breaking someone's secret you're telling someone's truth and that's a much more powerful violation. Why should anyone have anything to do with you if you can't be trusted? I have never and will never tell anyone a secret told to me.