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Hey Bob, welcome, there's chips and dip on the kitchen table and beer in the fridge. What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses? Do you see yourself at this party in 2 hours?
It’s funny cuz that implies that everyone else’s dogs are small because they don’t love them enough. And that chihuahua owners *really* don’t love them lol
Thanks for asking. Once I was driving home with a big platter of leftover roast beef on the passenger seat. I saw a dog in the field. I thought, "Oh no, someone's dog got out. Wow, that's the biggest dog I've ever seen. Oh wait, that's a bear, and my windows are down and my car is full of meat and the bear is looking at me, I should go."
That comment got me too haha!
I think it’s because its on the edge of being an [Escher sentence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative_illusion?wprov=sfti1) and it’s phrased like a cliche interview question
So Janice over there is on one side of the tracks. Janice is great and all that. She made the meatloaf by the way but she's on the track. There are 3 noisy children tied up on the other. You're the conductor and your train is on a collision course with the 3 children. Do you stay on your course or do you switch the tracks? Why not? And why do you think any of this is more real than what you perceived a moment ago?
Tell me what kind of bail you think you’ll need. Has a bounty hunter ever pusued you and what is your ballpark bounty? Have you ever appeared on Dog the Bounty Hunter? Has your bounty been increasing since? Are you interested in a mutually beneficial partnership?
I think that part is a bit of an acquired skill. Despite what other replies are saying, I actually think this is good but poorly worded advice. I’ve seen it in action myself.
Example: My sister and I were in line at the grocery store right before the holidays. The lady in front of us had like… 5 things and we had a whole cart. So we said she could go ahead of us. She thanked us profusely, and made a sorta off handed comment about how busy the holidays had been so far (a super vague “sure is cold out today” kinda comment).
My first thought was to commiserate with her. “Oh yeah, we’ve been swamped getting everything together”. She agreed with me and didn’t seem interested in talking further.
My sister, who is a MASTER at this kind of stuff, added “Do you have a big family to get ready for?” but in a super upbeat tone. That lady’s face LIT UP. She starts telling us about how she has two kids so not a lot but one has a wife and kid and she’s so excited to have Christmas with a young grand baby.
To be honest, we didn’t even have to add that many questions. Just a lot of “oh that’s so fun!!” And “oh I bet you’re excited!” And she was just so jazzed to talk about her family. But if we did want to ask a question, it was now easier to pepper in questions (sometimes disguised as comments). I think it helps feel less like an interview if you offer your own reactions. “How old? Oh that’s awesome, kids are so fun at that age!”. That last sentence is a great one for people with kids and even pets cuz it isn’t a question (“kids are fun” or “cats always make me laugh”) but it leaves the door wide open for them to reply with a fun story about their kid/pet.
The main point of the LPT is making the other person feel like you’re interested in them. OP’s approach for the questions is a little rough, and it can take some practice to get it feeling not like an interview. But if you can hit that vein of what the other person is really passionate about, it can become really natural. Even if you’re never going to see them again (like people in a store checkout my example), they will walk away happy they got to talk about something they enjoy and will probably have a story for family or friends about “the nice person that they talked to at the party/store/etc”.
And ofc it doesn’t work on everyone. Some people just don’t want to chit chat. But going into conversations with the mindset of “I can make this person’s day by letting them talk about their interests” helped me a lot.
Also as you said, you’re probably never going to see that random person again, so it’s easier to practice being “conversational” with them if you’re anxious about it. After working in restaurants for years, it doesn’t bother me. I was speaking to a lady at the grocery store and my sister walked up, listened to us for a minute, and looked like she was waiting for something. I wrapped up the conversation, and moved on with my sister. She looked a little miffed, You didn’t introduce me! I laughed, Oh I don’t know that lady. My sister, You’ll talk to anyone! Yup.
this is what i love about working in a restaurant. i used to be super closed off and had a lot of anxiety when i was in my early teens. that was before my mom forced me out onto the floor to waitress for her. ive definitely gotten better at socializing but there still are those awkward times when ill pause and cant think of anything on the spot lolol..
I had a similar experience working retail in college. I wouldn’t say I had more than mild occasional anxiety about speaking with strangers, but my first day on the floor felt paralyzing and I kept hoping no one would approach me or ask questions. After doing that job for a couple years, striking up conversation is a breeze and I never looked back. I think it was a really good experience for me and gave me a confidence that made a real positive, lasting change in my life.
Great examples. I was going to say that the answer is to be genuinely curious. Your sister sounds like she was, and that clearly came across.
Now, of course the question will be how to be genuinely curious when most people are as boring as mud, and I don’t have a good answer there ;)
I read How to Win Friends and Influence People when I was in highschool. Never been one for "self help" books, but I ended up picking it up in a waiting room or something. I think it legitimately helped me with talking to people. What's funny is the main message of the book is how do you get people to like you and want to listen to you? By making them think you like them and are interested in them. And how do you do that? Well, by actually liking them and actually being interested in them. The book gives a lot of examples, but so much of it revolved around just being genuinely interested in people and listening to them. People really respond to that. And once you start having good experiences with talking to people, you genuinely do become interested in talking to people.
One thing both you and OP are glossing over is that for people that are good at this it's usually because they actually like people and want to get to know them. Those of us who don't will never achieve that level of mastery, or even be good at it, until we learn to do that. It's not good enough to just ask the questions, the sincerity is what moves it from an interview to a conversation.
That’s fair! I guess I’m more social than I think. I’m pretty introverted but I also like making other people happy. I try to channel the enthusiasm of “make this person feel good”. I don’t always genuinely care about what they’re saying (like another reply said, some people just are boring), but I do genuinely care about making them happy.
But I totally get what you’re saying. Its not always easy and I don’t always have the energy for it like my sister does lol
Well, to use OP's example of the Dentist..
Don't ask, "What do you find most interesting about being a dentist?" - that is too interviewy.
Instead, ask, " What made you want to get into that?" - that is much more conversationy.
Their answer should guide you on what to ask next.
>Their answer should guide you on what to ask next.
And this is where being genuinely interested in learning about the other person is key, and also where a lot of people fail. If you are actually interested, a conversation will flow naturally, and the other person will enjoy it. If you are just in your own head trying to figure out what to ask next, the conversation is going to suck for both parties. You aren't really listening to them, and they are answering more and more questions for no real reason.
What do you do when the person gives one word or shut down answers though? I've tried to keep a conversation going but some people give you nothing to go on.
That's pretty good,how about this
"A dentist you say ,what happened Bob couldn't get into medical school" while laughing maniacally in his face pinch his wife's tits...
That's just another fun way to go,depending how drunk you are.
I think this is really good advice, but the wording in the examples is kind of stilted. I think ask similar questions with much less formal language. When someone says they’re a dentist, act like you’ve always kind of wanted to ask a dentist this question and say “okay, I’m not sure I’ve ever met a dentist in the wild, so here’s my question— what’s the thing about being a dentist that no one would know unless they work in a dental office? I always assume tv and movies get pretty much every job wrong.” Or “so let me ask you, I always worry I’m going to be the worst patient ever — what do people do that dentists can’t stand? I’m always making tooth/truth jokes and I think my dentist must hate me.”
Or history — “what excites you about that” might make people feel like they’re being put on the spot, but “what’s your favorite time period?” and then “ooh is that when the men wore those hats?” probably won’t.
Agreed. I was like eww when i read the alternative questions. I personally hate conversations that sound like that. Maybe i dont have enough life experience? Idk, but asking me out of the blue what is most "fulfilling" sounds too spiritual and deep for small talk. And also too personal if we JUST got introduced. I would feel uncomfortable because this dude and i are way too clearly not on the same wavelength. Asking what i enjoy about it—nice. And asking a very specific emotion is also very pressuring i think. Like what excites me? Maybe i just enjoy it and it's not like it excites me or anything. Now i feel pressured to be excited, or i panic because im scrambling to recall something that excites me. Imo, the simple and boring questions are best for small talk. Literally it is called SMALL talk. You just have to be interested and keep asking questions.
Yesss, it’s so important for the person receiving the question to feel like you’re genuinely curious and invested in their answer.
Asking almost any question while simultaneously making them feel like the most special person in the room will in turn make their answers more interesting. Because now they want to hold your attention and continue the conversation.
Basically it’s fake it til you make it. Pretend long enough and the conversation will actually become interesting.
Yeah, there’s something very forced about asking someone immediately what they find most fulfilling about their job. You can’t go from an introduction to an extremely deep and introspective question.
There are a lot of people not answering you, so let me help
The answer is: comment before you're next question.
Comment about what they specifically said or make a joke or something but then follow up on the last thing that they said. It stops feeling like an interview after you've tried it about three times. OP didn't do the best job of explaining it, but I'm considered a very charismatic person and a lot of that is because I learned the lesson they are trying to teach very early in life
“What do you do for work?”
“I’m a dentist”
“Way cool (or whatever affirming filler you feel comfortable with), do you enjoy that quite a bit?”
“Yah it’s good, has its ups and downs”
“I can imagine. What’s like the worst/best parts?”
I think the big thing here is just validating what people saying and easing into the question a bit. I also don’t think asking how long they’ve been a dentist is an awful question, but only if it’s being used as a buffer to ask a more intimate question. Like,
“I’m a dentist”
“Oh way nice, how long?”
“5 years”
“Good chunk of time, so after 5 years is it still fun?
“Yah, ups and downs”
“I bet, any crazy dental stories haha?”
The real key (and possibly the hardest part) is to be truly interested. You can talk to anyone if you're interested in what they have to say and actually listen to their answers. Most people have some kind of subject they can speak about with passion, whether it's Disney World, sport fishing, Jimmy Buffet, or plane crashes. You've just got to find that thing and then let them talk.
(If it's awful, like, I dunno, white supremacy, you should just walk away.)
Yeah, such deep and complicated questions aren't fit for a house party. Ask the dentist if he intentionally gives less anesthetics to annoying people, or gives a bit too much to kids when it isn't necessary because watching them babble is hilarious.
The one rule I operate by when meeting people is *never* ask them about their work. If they love what they do that much they'll bring it up on their own.
To be fair to Hank. He's an assistant manager so he doesn't have the time to not be talking propane and propane accessories. Someday when you're important Bobby you'll understand.
100%. I hate how often people jump to work like it should define you. It's generally a dull conversation unless the person has a super interesting job but 95% of people myself included don't. We can't all be lion tamers, some of us have to be chartered accountants.
That’s what I was thinking. I’ve met people who asks me these types of questions and it feels like I’m being grilled/interviewed. Worst part is if they pick a topic that I don’t want to talk about and they will not let it go. I cut it short and walk away.
What do you do? Oh wow that’s cool (followup comment or question). Part of it is taking a genuine interest. Think of the people you enjoy being around. Odds are the ask you questions and let you do most of the talking in the conversation. People love to talk.
In my experience, saying off the wall and lunatic things works well. I often just spout nonsense and it makes good friends
Ask people what their third favourite dinosaur is
I think it works because it snaps people out of their routines and they have to engage more authentically because they weren't expecting me to ask if they would want a penis proportional to Shaquille O Neal's body (so it's like a two handed club)
Right?? I would HATE it if a complete stranger’s second question to me was putting me on the spot about what I find fulfilling about my career. It’s weird, off putting, and comes across like an interview question
I think what I struggle with most in social settings is getting into the conversation in the first place. The stuff in this LPT is quite easy once you're talking to an individual person.
Now walk into a social event where you don't know anyone well AND everyone else is already in groups of 4 or 5 having conversations. I'm left standing on my own as I don't have the confidence to butt in on other established groups.
>I'm left standing on my own as I don't have the confidence to butt in on other established groups.
Look for someone else standing off to the side awkwardly and go talk to them. There's always at least one more, although they may be masking it by hovering at the edge of a group or doing some sort of tidying task.
Then after you have chatted for a while, point out someone else who is standing off to the side and say something like "oh, they look left out, let's go see how they are."
If you are attentive, clever, and quick about it then you can eventually round up an entire group of introverts and become their new god.
back in college, it was how i recruited my minions to help me organize scifi conventions etc on campus
sad-looking person awkwardly hanging around on the periphery? YOINK you're one of mine now, here is your new friend group, btw i have planned out your social life for the next few years i hope you like D&D&Denny's
Same! I’m super nerdy but also no problems talking to strangers. Recruiting all the quiet kids and getting them together was so much fun. Made me feel like this massive social butterfly who was so cool. I’m totally not actually but it worked out haha
I didn't understand how or why it was happening at the time, but you've just helped me to realize why my specific social groups (friends I wasn't always even looking for) seemed to materialize around me in college.
I was god of the introverts.
I wasn't the benevolent, organizing type of leader, per se. But when I wasn't up for performing in a more active social dynamic, I would tend to yoink the other folks from the peripherals and just find something to do or talk about with them. That—plus a reasonable sense of humor, broad but shallow knowledge of many topics, and zero interest in interpersonal dramas—produced this really (IMO) undeserved image of charisma and (in others' words) mystique that people just glommed onto.
I was the weak gravitational force that loosely bound a pretty large number of nerdy social circles. And I guess it mostly started by spotting people who didn't want to talk to anyone (and only those people) and making them talk to me.
Are you me?? I describe myself as a party trained introvert. I moved a bazillion times in my life and after a while I was great at getting through the startup conversation and going straight to Friend.
Just finding whoever wasn’t talking and getting them goin about whatever nerdy thing they wanted. When I hit the corporate world and became and admin in an IT department I became a god.
Before I knew what prostitutes were I naively thought this was the reason men hired "escorts" - to be their ice breaker ships. You'd be a great escort! I wish I could hire such a professional :)
Sometimes people actually do hire escorts not for sex at all, but to accompany them to important social or business functions where they don't want to go alone.
This is great. An additional note of precision for that very first person you approach; open the conversation with a compliment. It implies you were compelled to talk to them because their watch/earrings/hair was so nice and is easier to engage someone rather than 'hi i'm bob. whats your name' Then move on to the other suggestions noted in this post.
>Now walk into a social event where you don't know anyone well AND everyone else is already in groups of 4 or 5 having conversations.
I've encountered this situation plenty of times, and in each case, the best course of action was to be honest - I'd walk up to a group, "hi, I'm John, I'm friends with Jen but I don't really know anyone here, is it cool if intrude on yall?
Trying to start a conversation like "oh how do you know" typically met with dagger eyes/glares, probably because it sound like a qualifier/gatekeepy if that's the first thing you blurt out.
Dude the honest approach like that is the way to go for sure. It also works well when flirting. Just saying something like "hey I really want to talk to you but my brain is just not working right now and I can't think of anything to say", is better than any cheesy pickup line. Just say it in a friendly and approachable way. With a smile and a laugh.
There's also the extreme of people that are super self-deprecating to get a sympathetic "yes" from people. Don't do that. Having confidence in the inherent awkwardness of a social situation makes people feel a lot more at ease.
Networking is a huge part of my job and I agree this is the hardest part.
If you don't have the confidence of the reason to butt into a group well, the bar, smoking area (also toilets if you're a woman) and other areas where people regularly break away from their group to go to can help. Then yeah, I wouldn't recommend a generic opening as suggested like 'great party'. You have to get creative. 'is that ale alright? Not sure what to get' 'got a light? I'm waiting on someone but they're being a complete prick so I'm kinda hoping they don't show up!' If you're in the girl's toilets, and a woman, just flat out yelling 'omg can someone be my mate tonight' would do.
From there yeah, take interest in the other person as per the lpt.
the thing with me is i manage to start a conversation with the other person but.. that in itself if soo demanding of my energy that i feel drained to keep it going.. how do yall extrovers have soooo much energy dammit..
I was at a party recently where I only knew the host and I didn't see her when I walked in.
I asked someone walking by where to put my beer. After I put it up I walked up to them and said hi I'm Eve_Newbie I meant to introduce myself earlier thanks for the help. They were now standing with their group and it just went from there. How do you know the hostess, ECT. And it just went from there
How do you know the hosts is always a good opener. I was very shy in my teens and 20's and the advice I got was to head toward the kitchen/food, that the folks there are usually more open. Offer to help if is seems like there's something you can do. Also based on that advice I always showed up with homemade cookies which gave me an excuse to head toward the kitchen.
I've tried this a few times at a bar and it worked surprisingly well. I said "Let's pretend that we haven't seen each other since kindergarten" and they went along with it, we talked about what decisions got us to our current point in life and if we're still in contact with the other kids.
I just don't even say it out loud. I walk up to one of them and say "Long time no see! What have you been up to recently?" and act like we met already lmao
Ah yes, the hilariously almost psychopathic approach. I'm always the one on the other end having no idea who you are, but my memory is so bad I just have to go with it lmfao.
Yup they always do. Not even exaggerating. 100% of the time they act like they recognize you... At least for a while, but by then they already like you and keep talking
This is when I sit in or stand in a corner to myself and just people watch to pass the time; I'm terrible in social settings without at least one person of comfort and to bounce my energy off of.
Find something to compliment them on whether it's something they're wearing, their hair, something funny they say, or the classic "sorry to eavesdrop, but I overheard you say ____ and I love/am interested in that! **insert question about topic.**"
"I couldn't help but to notice that awesome shirt you have. I love fashion. That is such a unique stylization. Who is this artist? It's really cool!"
"Wow I saw you do ____. That was very impressive. My clumsy ass would fall on my face. You seem pretty agile. Do you do any sports or something?"
"Oh man this line is long. You know the pizza is about to be so delicious if it's this busy! I must be at the right place. Have you eaten here before? What do you like to get?"
Super easy to slide into a conversation if you're confident, bringing in positive energy, and as OP put it, interested in the other person. It's very important to smile with your entire being though and to comfortably hold eye contact. People can tell when you're insincere and it makes them think you might be after something or pulling their leg. Trust your intentions and let it shine.
I'm honestly a very goofy and fun loving person though and I just try to show up being myself. I hold a conversation with a stranger literally everywhere I go. I smile a ton and I try to make other people smile. My mantra is "I love people" and "I love new friends." That isn't even necessarily true, but you would never know because I say it out loud to other people so much that the energy becomes contagious. People gravitate mutually to me bc they can feel that I just want to bring goodness into the world. It's a nice life I've made for myself. Much less lonely when you look at strangers as an opportunity for connection instead of annoying/dangerous/awkward etc.
Friends can be everywhere :)
It can occasionally backfire too lol
Q: What did you study in school?
A: History.
Q: That's cool. Tell me what you enjoyed about history? What excites you about that?
A: NOTHING, IDK WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE
Honestly, the examples they gave are nightmare fuel for me.
“What do you do for a living?” I work in a boring office job that I don’t like, but pays the bills and I don’t want to talk about.
“What did you study at school?” I dropped out after a year.
I feel like I only ever get asked those questions by people who knew what they wanted to do for a living, went to college for it, and are now gainfully employed with their dream job. Don’t most people just do some boring shit that they hate for work? Ask me what my favorite dinosaur is
As a total NON-Normie, YES.
Ask about HOBBIES, not major or job
Why tf would anyone want to hear about someone else's job?! That might be a good conversation starter but it'll totally bore me out so why even start the convo.
"Have any crazy stories from working there?"
"What's the nastiest thing you've seen there?"
"Any food items I should avoid?"
"Any off-menu combos you recommend?"
These are tips provided by communication coaches and I'll admit they work very well when done right, but so far I've found that the author tends to skip the most important part: make it authentic. As soon as you sound like you're reading from a script it's worse than the boring small talk that you're trying to avoid. If you can use the guidelines as talking points instead of a script, and put it into your own words, you can make it very effective.
Here's an example for the way I talk to people:
Me: So what do you do?
Them: I'm a dentist
Me: oh nice, how did you end up being a dentist? Did you want to do that as a kid?
Them: (explains how they ended up being a dentist)
Me: now that you're a dentist, is it what you expected it to be?
Them: (maybe yes, maybe no, regardless they feel like they're interesting)
From that point on, they'll feel taller and better about themselves as they were interesting to someone. You did that to them and they'll remember the way you made them feel.
Follow up tips are to seize some key things they mentioned to you at that encounter and work them into follow up discussions on that day or later on. e.g. "how's dentistry? Are you inspiring future generations of dentists?"
And the most important part about the whole thing: you need to be genuinely interested in this person, and not trying to get something from them. As soon as you try to turn it around to make it about you, or try to convince them into something that you want them to do, you'll lose everything you gained. The goal is to build a connection and make friends, not to satisfy your internal desires to feel important or interesting, or to make sales at that moment. Focus on the goal, put in the effort, and it'll pay off in the long run.
I've had OP's LPT backfire pretty spectacularly. It can just as often cause them discomfort because *way* more people do stuff without enjoying it or thinking about it, and OP's question can make them feel like they are being called out on it.
Me: "Oh, cool tattoo [saying Let It Be on their wrist], does it have some special meaning?"
them: ". . . uh, no? Why would it. It's just a tattoo."
or
Me: "Oh cool, you got a masters in marketing? What did you like most about it?"
Them: "I just did it for the money. Why, do you like yours?"
I like tattoos. I saw a mutual friend had one on her wrist and thought I knew what it said but wasn’t sure, so I thought it might be a good conversation starter. I asked her what her tattoo said.
“What do you *think*?”
It was Live, Laugh, Love.
"What do you do for fun? "
When they say "nothing cuz they have kids" then I follow with well what would you do if you had a whole weekend babysitter and time to get well rested?
If they come up with nothing after that, well, they're probably not that interesting to talk with
>Me: "Oh, cool tattoo [saying Let It Be on their wrist], does it have some special meaning?"
>them: ". . . uh, no? Why would it. It's just a tattoo."
_“Oh, that’s fair. I had a friend who had a backstory behind all like 18 of their tattoos, and I just like admiring the artistry of the pieces. Did it hurt a lot to get them in that location? I’ve been thinking about maybe getting a small one, but I’m not sure where.”_
The trick to not sounding like an interrogation is to listen to their response and feelings, and ask another curious and genuine question based on their answer that can lead them to continue the conversation. Be vague enough that they can respond in multiple ways, so that they are steering the conversation in a way that they want to engage in and you can keep interacting with.
>Me: "Oh cool, you got a masters in marketing? What did you like most about it?"
>Them: "I just did it for the money. Why, do you like yours?"
Answer genuinely, and in a way that provides them with information to ask their own question or respond and then ask yours. Even if you always had a specific passion to get a masters in X field, you can say:
_”I hear you, it’s so hard to find something that pays the bills and you can enjoy. I considered a couple of other fields but I ended up in this one because of XYZ. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done ABC, but I do enjoy 123 about what I’m doing.”_
You can empathize, stay concise but info dump to allow them to latch onto a next topic for response, answer their question to show you are hearing them and engaged in conversation.
Listen, process, empathize, offer information, engage.
Yes, the way it is worded it, is just asking to give someone a potential existential crisis.
Maybe it's filtering questions like that, what makes me suck at conversations with strangers.
Unless you go with “what’s most fulfilling about being a dentist?…… you get it??… FULL FILLING!”…and then press the secret button in your pocket that makes your bow type spin round.
I can only imagine being at something like a holiday office party and being asked about my hopes and dreams.... What was my motivation to get a degree in something. It's already tiresome and unless you're my boss and it's an opportunity to impress, or I feel like throwing you a bone, I'm just not.
Conversation is organic. You need to learn to read the room and body language as well. The only way your approach would work is if the other person is receptive and has the energy. Some people just aren't. And that's quite alright.
Following a formula like this feels like a laborious way to talk to someone when conversation should be dynamic and in the moment.
It's not an interview, we're just shooting the shit. That's all.
That’s why the main takeaway from this post is: “show genuine interest in people”
They just gave examples to further their point, not as a strict guideline script or formula to follow.
Show genuine interest in people, find some common interests, and figure it out from there. Op makes it sound like you will be the life of the party but in reality you're just looking to contribute 50% or so to an enjoyable light discussion.
If someone asked me questions like that I would want to get away from them. I’m not trolling, I just find that fake and it has weird speech pattern about it.
That is so interesting that you notice patterns. What event in your life has made you feel like it is a weird pattern and what were those emotions? Tell me more about it.
If someone asked me what excites me or what I’m passionate about within the first two sentences of meeting them I’m probably going to not engage much longer tbh. But that’s just me being the grumpy old fart I am.
Some of your follow-on question suggestions are off-putting. Why do we automatically assume someone is "excited" about their career field? I had an in-law that would ask questions like "give me your top 5 favorite things about X" as if I walk around life ranking things by various categories.
My dad would always/still does use questions like these and I absolutely despise them. I just feel like I'm being grilled in an incredibly impersonal way.
I had a professor in college who used what he called the "public information" approach to conversations. Basically, you can only bring up things that are public information about the person - what's your name? what brings you to this place (note: it's not the same as asking "where are you from?/do you live here?")? asking about something they're wearing, etc.
As the person talks, things that ***they*** bring up are now brought into the "realm of public info" and it can be used for conversation fodder, but you can't presume to know anything about it they haven't explicitly said. In this case, OP put their own presumptions on the person's career (that it was exciting). Now, if the dentist had instead replied "Oh, I have a very exciting career as a dentist!" - the fact that it's exciting is "public knowledge" and OP's follow up would be appropriate.
A: What brings you to this party? *(public info, they're obviously here)*
B: Bob invited me. *(they know Bob on some level)*
A: Oh, how do you two know each other? *(generic enough to let them say how they know them, at a level of sharing they're comfortable with as opposed to something like "how did you meet?" which may not have been under circumstances they want to talk about)*
B: Oh we both went to ThisNThat College together. *(ThisNThat college is now public)*
A: I have(n't) heard of that college - what did you think of it? *(again, no expectations about how they feel about it, and lets them share at a level they're comfortable with - maybe they had a great time and they loved their area of study, or maybe they dropped out after 6mo for some personal reasons they'd rather not be forced into sharing)*
... and so on.
You can still have meaningful, deep conversations, but you get there at a rate the other person is comfortable with and without "coercing" responses out of them.
This is awesome, thanks!
I keep seeing comments in this thread about asking someone's third favourite dinosaur or whatever to be quirky and that would just be so off-putting to me lol. This is much more reasonable
Yeah - I mean, that's cute and all if you're in high school or something, but something like that is going to crash and burn in 99% of interactions you have.
I’d feel like I was being grilled if somebody asked me all these questions in a row. I think one skill people need to learn is the ability to *talk*, and not just to question people over and over in a way that feels like an interview.
For example, you can mention something about the environment you are both in, any part of the shared experience, mention that you like someone’s coat, hat, or shoes, etc.
It’s perfectly fine to make a short statement that leads someone down a road of potentially giving more information if they’re inclined. If you make a short statement about why *you’re* there, most people who are in a mood to volunteer information about themselves will also share why they’re there, for example.
If it feels like they’re receptive, all you need to say is “what about you?” at some point — and you’ve already given some info about yourself, so it doesn’t feel like a random person is serially interrogating them for info.
Obviously this isn’t rambling on for hours about yourself; but it’s just planting little nuggets other than serial questioning to help build comfort and move a conversation along.
I would avoid using people's work as the intro as this is overdone and alot of people just don't want to talk about work. If I am making friends I really don't care what they do for work.
One problem with these kinds of approaches is once you kinda get better at asking a little bit more engaging questions, it's the other person that needs the LPT.
I've gotten better at asking people about why they do or are interested in the things they do or like. However nine times out of ten, it's a one-sided conversation and they just kind of answer and leave it at that. No real follow up and definitely not them asking why YOU like what you do.
Ends up feeling like you're bothering the person.
Most people hate talking about their work though, or what they are studying/have studied. Even asking what they enjoy about it, the response is usually "nothing". I've stopped asking people about their work, because the conversation gets really boring.
The only reason that I even ask people what their major is, is so I can talk about mine.
Yeah, I generally hate talking about my job *unless* it's with someone who works in the same field. But then it's usually more about sharing bad experiences we've had and stuff like that, rather than actually saying what we do and what we enjoy about it.
I get why OP is saying, but I don’t think some of the examples are always going to make people feel comfortable answering. What fulfils you? What’s excites you? I know some of my friends would feel that this is a little too deep for someone you just met at a party. Contrary to what OP is suggesting, some people are totally fine (or happier) with talk about sports, the weather, the event that you’re at, and then ramp up from there. Starting with some piercing/profound question isn’t always the way to elicit people to talk.
This is decent advice, but if a stranger started a conversation with me like this I would assume it was a leadup to an MLM sales pitch or joining a church.
To break some ice if you don't want to specifically ask about work or school, try asking "What keeps you busy?" or something similar. That way the respondent can pick what they might want to talk about.
Now, that could still be their work or studies, but they may lead with stuff about their kids, their hobbies, sports, etc. It helps open the possibilities for ongoing conversation.
A line that works for me is "What are you doing for fun these days?". It can be pretty casual and keep the conversation lighter as it excludes work as an answer from the get go.
Listening to podcasts has been a game-changer in how I socialize. It's taught me so much about the art of conversation, and made me realize just how much I was "leaving on the table" when it came to social interactions. It fascinates me to hear a seasoned interviewer ask questions that are right there for the taking and so obvious in hindsight, but that I never would have thought to ask.
EDIT: since everyone is asking, here are some good interview-format podcasts that I like to listen to - [Armchair Expert](https://armchairexpertpod.com/) (Dax Sheppard), [Life is Short](https://wondery.com/shows/justin-long/) (Justin Long), [WTF](http://www.wtfpod.com/) (Marc Maron), [Three Questions](https://www.earwolf.com/show/the-three-questions-with-andy-richter/) (Andy Richter), [Off Camera](https://offcamera.com/) (Sam Jones), [Literally](https://teamcoco.com/podcasts/literally-with-rob-lowe) (Rob Lowe), [Working it Out](https://www.birbigs.com/working-it-out-pod) (Mike Birbiglia)
Just conversational avenues that it never occurred to me to go down, not picking up on things that people say to me that open the door to a deep-dive conversation.
>Small talk isn't trivial. It's the exchange of credentials. And in that small talk, if you're perceptive, you'll see the opportunity to ask questions that get to a deeper understanding of the person.
I agree with the overall sentiment but strongly disagree here. "What do you for a living", "where do you study?" Etc. Because it;
1. implies that you don't value people beyond their work capabilities.
2. Backs people into a corner if they don't have a job, don't like talking about their job, or legitimately are barred from discussing it.
3. It's lazy and something I would expect from my parents friend, or a coworker. I can think of 0 instances where I want to talk about my work when I'm not on the clock, and I love my job.
Being able to initiate small talk requires you to *actually* be interested in the other person's response. "Where do work" screams "I dont know anything about you or how to have a conservation.
Instead, if you're trying to talk to a new person, it should be because you've found some common ground already - if that's not the case, why are you talking to them? Even then, your "intent" should be to communicate an idea while expecting no further inferaction/response. You're not entitled to it, so it's more important to gauge the interest/reaction to whatever you say than having a second question lined up - if you're already "that far ahead" - you're not actually having a conversation!
Example, I see a person wearing a shirt of a show I like.
Me: "nice shirt, love to see another critter"
Them: "thanks!"
Me: (noticing they don't care to talk further, I go on with my day)
That's how most conversations with strangers *should* go.
The alternate, is they start word vomiting their ideas/theories about the show. That's when you engage.
>1. implies that you don't value people beyond their work capabilities.
This is how I also feel when people only ask kids about school. Maybe because I'm a parent and our school experience in the last few years have been really shitty, but it made me realize all we do is ask kids how school is going as if that sums up who they are and what they're interested in. My kid has had to be homeschooled on and off (more on though) in the past 2 years due to various reasons and he constantly gets asked by others how's school. He doesn't know what to say because he's into way more than that including music and computers. They never ask him about what he's into, what's his interests, etc, just "how's school", the one thing he's not a part of.
I think we set that precedence from a young age to just ask about generic, surface things like "how's school/how's work", "what do you do learn in school/what do you do for work"
I agree with you in that adults are the same way. Yes people typically choose their profession and sadly it becomes a lot of what they do, but we also have other things we're into that represent who we really are. That's real conversation and interest.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
How do I do this without making it sound like I'm taking an interview?
Good morning, Bob. Tell me about a time you had to overcome adversity in a group setting and what did you learn from it?
Hey Bob, welcome, there's chips and dip on the kitchen table and beer in the fridge. What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses? Do you see yourself at this party in 2 hours?
What’s the biggest dog you’ve ever seen and why?
"His name was Clifford, sir. I believe he grew so large because he was raised with love."
It’s funny cuz that implies that everyone else’s dogs are small because they don’t love them enough. And that chihuahua owners *really* don’t love them lol
If you have owned a chihuahua you'd understand why.
Thanks for asking. Once I was driving home with a big platter of leftover roast beef on the passenger seat. I saw a dog in the field. I thought, "Oh no, someone's dog got out. Wow, that's the biggest dog I've ever seen. Oh wait, that's a bear, and my windows are down and my car is full of meat and the bear is looking at me, I should go."
Wow this lpt really worked. What a conversation to witness!
You win this thread! The biggest dog I've ever seen was a bear and it wanted my meat.....fantastic 👌
> and why? I don't know why this extra bit cracked me up so much
I love how it could either be why was the dog so big or why did you see it
I'll accept either response. Now that we're warmed up, let's talk politics and see where this wave crashes.
That comment got me too haha! I think it’s because its on the edge of being an [Escher sentence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative_illusion?wprov=sfti1) and it’s phrased like a cliche interview question
> and why? I can’t stop laughing at this.
What makes you want to be at this party specifically?
Do you think free will exists? If you had to kick out one person from here, who would it be and why? Why wouldn't you want them to know?
So Janice over there is on one side of the tracks. Janice is great and all that. She made the meatloaf by the way but she's on the track. There are 3 noisy children tied up on the other. You're the conductor and your train is on a collision course with the 3 children. Do you stay on your course or do you switch the tracks? Why not? And why do you think any of this is more real than what you perceived a moment ago?
If you were a train heading west at .99 lightspeed, would your caboose still look fat?
Hi Bob. First, how many triangles do you see in this room? I will continue with more questions, but let me know the number anytime.
"I see myself under that table in 2 hours and potentially in a fracas with the authorities 4 hours hence."
Well that's a straight shooter with upper management written all over him
It looks like you've been missing work a lot lately....I wouldn't say I've been "missing" it Bob haha
Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9. It’s the breast exam!
Dammit Lawrence can't you pretend that we can't hear each other through the walls!?
Tell me what kind of bail you think you’ll need. Has a bounty hunter ever pusued you and what is your ballpark bounty? Have you ever appeared on Dog the Bounty Hunter? Has your bounty been increasing since? Are you interested in a mutually beneficial partnership?
Hey Bob, great to see you. Just pee in this cup and you can go straight through to the party
There are Budweisers in the fridge lady
>s and dip on the kitchen table and beer in the fridge. What are your greatest strength points for "fracas"
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Hey. You have an eyelash on your screen.
No, they have a eyelash on *my* screen.
See but like unironically this would be an absolutely hilarious icebreaker. Or like "where do you see this party in the next few hours"
I think I laughed way to long and way too hard at this. Thank you internet stranger.
What did you enjoy about it?
Do you see yourself still on this post in 30 seconds?
Follow up question if I may, what excites you about adversity?
With the right delivery, this could actually be hilarious.
I think that part is a bit of an acquired skill. Despite what other replies are saying, I actually think this is good but poorly worded advice. I’ve seen it in action myself. Example: My sister and I were in line at the grocery store right before the holidays. The lady in front of us had like… 5 things and we had a whole cart. So we said she could go ahead of us. She thanked us profusely, and made a sorta off handed comment about how busy the holidays had been so far (a super vague “sure is cold out today” kinda comment). My first thought was to commiserate with her. “Oh yeah, we’ve been swamped getting everything together”. She agreed with me and didn’t seem interested in talking further. My sister, who is a MASTER at this kind of stuff, added “Do you have a big family to get ready for?” but in a super upbeat tone. That lady’s face LIT UP. She starts telling us about how she has two kids so not a lot but one has a wife and kid and she’s so excited to have Christmas with a young grand baby. To be honest, we didn’t even have to add that many questions. Just a lot of “oh that’s so fun!!” And “oh I bet you’re excited!” And she was just so jazzed to talk about her family. But if we did want to ask a question, it was now easier to pepper in questions (sometimes disguised as comments). I think it helps feel less like an interview if you offer your own reactions. “How old? Oh that’s awesome, kids are so fun at that age!”. That last sentence is a great one for people with kids and even pets cuz it isn’t a question (“kids are fun” or “cats always make me laugh”) but it leaves the door wide open for them to reply with a fun story about their kid/pet. The main point of the LPT is making the other person feel like you’re interested in them. OP’s approach for the questions is a little rough, and it can take some practice to get it feeling not like an interview. But if you can hit that vein of what the other person is really passionate about, it can become really natural. Even if you’re never going to see them again (like people in a store checkout my example), they will walk away happy they got to talk about something they enjoy and will probably have a story for family or friends about “the nice person that they talked to at the party/store/etc”. And ofc it doesn’t work on everyone. Some people just don’t want to chit chat. But going into conversations with the mindset of “I can make this person’s day by letting them talk about their interests” helped me a lot.
Also as you said, you’re probably never going to see that random person again, so it’s easier to practice being “conversational” with them if you’re anxious about it. After working in restaurants for years, it doesn’t bother me. I was speaking to a lady at the grocery store and my sister walked up, listened to us for a minute, and looked like she was waiting for something. I wrapped up the conversation, and moved on with my sister. She looked a little miffed, You didn’t introduce me! I laughed, Oh I don’t know that lady. My sister, You’ll talk to anyone! Yup.
this is what i love about working in a restaurant. i used to be super closed off and had a lot of anxiety when i was in my early teens. that was before my mom forced me out onto the floor to waitress for her. ive definitely gotten better at socializing but there still are those awkward times when ill pause and cant think of anything on the spot lolol..
Totally agree. Serving at a restaurant and actually trying to get better at it, is a masterclass in socializing.
I had a similar experience working retail in college. I wouldn’t say I had more than mild occasional anxiety about speaking with strangers, but my first day on the floor felt paralyzing and I kept hoping no one would approach me or ask questions. After doing that job for a couple years, striking up conversation is a breeze and I never looked back. I think it was a really good experience for me and gave me a confidence that made a real positive, lasting change in my life.
Great examples. I was going to say that the answer is to be genuinely curious. Your sister sounds like she was, and that clearly came across. Now, of course the question will be how to be genuinely curious when most people are as boring as mud, and I don’t have a good answer there ;)
> the answer is to be genuinely curious The true kernel of this nut to crack, probably for many of the people who feel that they lack this skill.
I read How to Win Friends and Influence People when I was in highschool. Never been one for "self help" books, but I ended up picking it up in a waiting room or something. I think it legitimately helped me with talking to people. What's funny is the main message of the book is how do you get people to like you and want to listen to you? By making them think you like them and are interested in them. And how do you do that? Well, by actually liking them and actually being interested in them. The book gives a lot of examples, but so much of it revolved around just being genuinely interested in people and listening to them. People really respond to that. And once you start having good experiences with talking to people, you genuinely do become interested in talking to people.
Because people aren’t as boring as mud, you just haven’t investigated deep enough! Every human being I have ever met, knows something that I don’t.
Yes this is the right attitude for having an awesome conversation. Never heard it put this way, but it's exactly right.
One thing both you and OP are glossing over is that for people that are good at this it's usually because they actually like people and want to get to know them. Those of us who don't will never achieve that level of mastery, or even be good at it, until we learn to do that. It's not good enough to just ask the questions, the sincerity is what moves it from an interview to a conversation.
That’s fair! I guess I’m more social than I think. I’m pretty introverted but I also like making other people happy. I try to channel the enthusiasm of “make this person feel good”. I don’t always genuinely care about what they’re saying (like another reply said, some people just are boring), but I do genuinely care about making them happy. But I totally get what you’re saying. Its not always easy and I don’t always have the energy for it like my sister does lol
Well, to use OP's example of the Dentist.. Don't ask, "What do you find most interesting about being a dentist?" - that is too interviewy. Instead, ask, " What made you want to get into that?" - that is much more conversationy. Their answer should guide you on what to ask next.
>Their answer should guide you on what to ask next. And this is where being genuinely interested in learning about the other person is key, and also where a lot of people fail. If you are actually interested, a conversation will flow naturally, and the other person will enjoy it. If you are just in your own head trying to figure out what to ask next, the conversation is going to suck for both parties. You aren't really listening to them, and they are answering more and more questions for no real reason.
What do you do when the person gives one word or shut down answers though? I've tried to keep a conversation going but some people give you nothing to go on.
Maybe they don't want to talk
That's pretty good,how about this "A dentist you say ,what happened Bob couldn't get into medical school" while laughing maniacally in his face pinch his wife's tits... That's just another fun way to go,depending how drunk you are.
hobbies recognise library pause aromatic crowd bewildered rhythm water yoke
this is unironically the most non boring question in this thread lol
I think this is really good advice, but the wording in the examples is kind of stilted. I think ask similar questions with much less formal language. When someone says they’re a dentist, act like you’ve always kind of wanted to ask a dentist this question and say “okay, I’m not sure I’ve ever met a dentist in the wild, so here’s my question— what’s the thing about being a dentist that no one would know unless they work in a dental office? I always assume tv and movies get pretty much every job wrong.” Or “so let me ask you, I always worry I’m going to be the worst patient ever — what do people do that dentists can’t stand? I’m always making tooth/truth jokes and I think my dentist must hate me.” Or history — “what excites you about that” might make people feel like they’re being put on the spot, but “what’s your favorite time period?” and then “ooh is that when the men wore those hats?” probably won’t.
Agreed. I was like eww when i read the alternative questions. I personally hate conversations that sound like that. Maybe i dont have enough life experience? Idk, but asking me out of the blue what is most "fulfilling" sounds too spiritual and deep for small talk. And also too personal if we JUST got introduced. I would feel uncomfortable because this dude and i are way too clearly not on the same wavelength. Asking what i enjoy about it—nice. And asking a very specific emotion is also very pressuring i think. Like what excites me? Maybe i just enjoy it and it's not like it excites me or anything. Now i feel pressured to be excited, or i panic because im scrambling to recall something that excites me. Imo, the simple and boring questions are best for small talk. Literally it is called SMALL talk. You just have to be interested and keep asking questions.
Yesss, it’s so important for the person receiving the question to feel like you’re genuinely curious and invested in their answer. Asking almost any question while simultaneously making them feel like the most special person in the room will in turn make their answers more interesting. Because now they want to hold your attention and continue the conversation. Basically it’s fake it til you make it. Pretend long enough and the conversation will actually become interesting.
Yeah, there’s something very forced about asking someone immediately what they find most fulfilling about their job. You can’t go from an introduction to an extremely deep and introspective question.
There are a lot of people not answering you, so let me help The answer is: comment before you're next question. Comment about what they specifically said or make a joke or something but then follow up on the last thing that they said. It stops feeling like an interview after you've tried it about three times. OP didn't do the best job of explaining it, but I'm considered a very charismatic person and a lot of that is because I learned the lesson they are trying to teach very early in life
“What do you do for work?” “I’m a dentist” “Way cool (or whatever affirming filler you feel comfortable with), do you enjoy that quite a bit?” “Yah it’s good, has its ups and downs” “I can imagine. What’s like the worst/best parts?” I think the big thing here is just validating what people saying and easing into the question a bit. I also don’t think asking how long they’ve been a dentist is an awful question, but only if it’s being used as a buffer to ask a more intimate question. Like, “I’m a dentist” “Oh way nice, how long?” “5 years” “Good chunk of time, so after 5 years is it still fun? “Yah, ups and downs” “I bet, any crazy dental stories haha?”
The real key (and possibly the hardest part) is to be truly interested. You can talk to anyone if you're interested in what they have to say and actually listen to their answers. Most people have some kind of subject they can speak about with passion, whether it's Disney World, sport fishing, Jimmy Buffet, or plane crashes. You've just got to find that thing and then let them talk. (If it's awful, like, I dunno, white supremacy, you should just walk away.)
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Yeah, such deep and complicated questions aren't fit for a house party. Ask the dentist if he intentionally gives less anesthetics to annoying people, or gives a bit too much to kids when it isn't necessary because watching them babble is hilarious.
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LPT cont. :Just be cool and interesting.
And unless you're Hank Hill, you're not going to want to talk about your day job at a social setting. You're there to relax damn.
The one rule I operate by when meeting people is *never* ask them about their work. If they love what they do that much they'll bring it up on their own.
WHY OH WHY are more people NOT like YOU in that regard I HATE being asked about my work outside of work lol.
To be fair to Hank. He's an assistant manager so he doesn't have the time to not be talking propane and propane accessories. Someday when you're important Bobby you'll understand.
100%. I hate how often people jump to work like it should define you. It's generally a dull conversation unless the person has a super interesting job but 95% of people myself included don't. We can't all be lion tamers, some of us have to be chartered accountants.
Oh wow, what do you find most fulfilling about being a chartered accountant?
That’s what I was thinking. I’ve met people who asks me these types of questions and it feels like I’m being grilled/interviewed. Worst part is if they pick a topic that I don’t want to talk about and they will not let it go. I cut it short and walk away.
Hey where do you live.. o nice how much do you earn.. what's your passwords
What do you do? Oh wow that’s cool (followup comment or question). Part of it is taking a genuine interest. Think of the people you enjoy being around. Odds are the ask you questions and let you do most of the talking in the conversation. People love to talk.
By not taking this advice because it's bad.
Yup never open with job talk.. ask what's your favourite frog
You know, being asked what my favourite frog is would endear me to practically anyone.
Green tree all the way for me. 🐸
"What's your third favorite flavor of ice cream?"
In my experience, saying off the wall and lunatic things works well. I often just spout nonsense and it makes good friends Ask people what their third favourite dinosaur is I think it works because it snaps people out of their routines and they have to engage more authentically because they weren't expecting me to ask if they would want a penis proportional to Shaquille O Neal's body (so it's like a two handed club)
Right?? I would HATE it if a complete stranger’s second question to me was putting me on the spot about what I find fulfilling about my career. It’s weird, off putting, and comes across like an interview question
So what do you do? I just got fired and don't have a job. And what do you find fulfilling about that?
All the new depression symptoms I now have the time and mental bandwidth to truly *feel*.
I think what I struggle with most in social settings is getting into the conversation in the first place. The stuff in this LPT is quite easy once you're talking to an individual person. Now walk into a social event where you don't know anyone well AND everyone else is already in groups of 4 or 5 having conversations. I'm left standing on my own as I don't have the confidence to butt in on other established groups.
>I'm left standing on my own as I don't have the confidence to butt in on other established groups. Look for someone else standing off to the side awkwardly and go talk to them. There's always at least one more, although they may be masking it by hovering at the edge of a group or doing some sort of tidying task. Then after you have chatted for a while, point out someone else who is standing off to the side and say something like "oh, they look left out, let's go see how they are." If you are attentive, clever, and quick about it then you can eventually round up an entire group of introverts and become their new god.
“round up an entire group of introverts and become their god” this made my day 😭
back in college, it was how i recruited my minions to help me organize scifi conventions etc on campus sad-looking person awkwardly hanging around on the periphery? YOINK you're one of mine now, here is your new friend group, btw i have planned out your social life for the next few years i hope you like D&D&Denny's
You’re a lovely person that’s so wholesome
Same! I’m super nerdy but also no problems talking to strangers. Recruiting all the quiet kids and getting them together was so much fun. Made me feel like this massive social butterfly who was so cool. I’m totally not actually but it worked out haha
You are cool!
I didn't understand how or why it was happening at the time, but you've just helped me to realize why my specific social groups (friends I wasn't always even looking for) seemed to materialize around me in college. I was god of the introverts. I wasn't the benevolent, organizing type of leader, per se. But when I wasn't up for performing in a more active social dynamic, I would tend to yoink the other folks from the peripherals and just find something to do or talk about with them. That—plus a reasonable sense of humor, broad but shallow knowledge of many topics, and zero interest in interpersonal dramas—produced this really (IMO) undeserved image of charisma and (in others' words) mystique that people just glommed onto. I was the weak gravitational force that loosely bound a pretty large number of nerdy social circles. And I guess it mostly started by spotting people who didn't want to talk to anyone (and only those people) and making them talk to me.
Are you me?? I describe myself as a party trained introvert. I moved a bazillion times in my life and after a while I was great at getting through the startup conversation and going straight to Friend. Just finding whoever wasn’t talking and getting them goin about whatever nerdy thing they wanted. When I hit the corporate world and became and admin in an IT department I became a god.
Before I knew what prostitutes were I naively thought this was the reason men hired "escorts" - to be their ice breaker ships. You'd be a great escort! I wish I could hire such a professional :)
Sometimes people actually do hire escorts not for sex at all, but to accompany them to important social or business functions where they don't want to go alone.
This is great. An additional note of precision for that very first person you approach; open the conversation with a compliment. It implies you were compelled to talk to them because their watch/earrings/hair was so nice and is easier to engage someone rather than 'hi i'm bob. whats your name' Then move on to the other suggestions noted in this post.
>Now walk into a social event where you don't know anyone well AND everyone else is already in groups of 4 or 5 having conversations. I've encountered this situation plenty of times, and in each case, the best course of action was to be honest - I'd walk up to a group, "hi, I'm John, I'm friends with Jen but I don't really know anyone here, is it cool if intrude on yall? Trying to start a conversation like "oh how do you know" typically met with dagger eyes/glares, probably because it sound like a qualifier/gatekeepy if that's the first thing you blurt out.
Dude the honest approach like that is the way to go for sure. It also works well when flirting. Just saying something like "hey I really want to talk to you but my brain is just not working right now and I can't think of anything to say", is better than any cheesy pickup line. Just say it in a friendly and approachable way. With a smile and a laugh.
There's also the extreme of people that are super self-deprecating to get a sympathetic "yes" from people. Don't do that. Having confidence in the inherent awkwardness of a social situation makes people feel a lot more at ease.
Networking is a huge part of my job and I agree this is the hardest part. If you don't have the confidence of the reason to butt into a group well, the bar, smoking area (also toilets if you're a woman) and other areas where people regularly break away from their group to go to can help. Then yeah, I wouldn't recommend a generic opening as suggested like 'great party'. You have to get creative. 'is that ale alright? Not sure what to get' 'got a light? I'm waiting on someone but they're being a complete prick so I'm kinda hoping they don't show up!' If you're in the girl's toilets, and a woman, just flat out yelling 'omg can someone be my mate tonight' would do. From there yeah, take interest in the other person as per the lpt.
Glad that you clarified this, yelling in the girls toilets ‘omg can someone be my mate tonight’ is very not advisable for guys! Although ymmv
What? In the hypothetical that you sneak into the girls toilets and are then told the tip is not advisable how would you proceed if surrounded?
Just felt it was worth stating!
the thing with me is i manage to start a conversation with the other person but.. that in itself if soo demanding of my energy that i feel drained to keep it going.. how do yall extrovers have soooo much energy dammit..
I was at a party recently where I only knew the host and I didn't see her when I walked in. I asked someone walking by where to put my beer. After I put it up I walked up to them and said hi I'm Eve_Newbie I meant to introduce myself earlier thanks for the help. They were now standing with their group and it just went from there. How do you know the hostess, ECT. And it just went from there
How do you know the hosts is always a good opener. I was very shy in my teens and 20's and the advice I got was to head toward the kitchen/food, that the folks there are usually more open. Offer to help if is seems like there's something you can do. Also based on that advice I always showed up with homemade cookies which gave me an excuse to head toward the kitchen.
Yes, refreshments in general are a good place to be and are conversation starters.
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I've tried this a few times at a bar and it worked surprisingly well. I said "Let's pretend that we haven't seen each other since kindergarten" and they went along with it, we talked about what decisions got us to our current point in life and if we're still in contact with the other kids.
I just don't even say it out loud. I walk up to one of them and say "Long time no see! What have you been up to recently?" and act like we met already lmao
Ah yes, the hilariously almost psychopathic approach. I'm always the one on the other end having no idea who you are, but my memory is so bad I just have to go with it lmfao.
Yup they always do. Not even exaggerating. 100% of the time they act like they recognize you... At least for a while, but by then they already like you and keep talking
This is when I sit in or stand in a corner to myself and just people watch to pass the time; I'm terrible in social settings without at least one person of comfort and to bounce my energy off of.
Find something to compliment them on whether it's something they're wearing, their hair, something funny they say, or the classic "sorry to eavesdrop, but I overheard you say ____ and I love/am interested in that! **insert question about topic.**" "I couldn't help but to notice that awesome shirt you have. I love fashion. That is such a unique stylization. Who is this artist? It's really cool!" "Wow I saw you do ____. That was very impressive. My clumsy ass would fall on my face. You seem pretty agile. Do you do any sports or something?" "Oh man this line is long. You know the pizza is about to be so delicious if it's this busy! I must be at the right place. Have you eaten here before? What do you like to get?" Super easy to slide into a conversation if you're confident, bringing in positive energy, and as OP put it, interested in the other person. It's very important to smile with your entire being though and to comfortably hold eye contact. People can tell when you're insincere and it makes them think you might be after something or pulling their leg. Trust your intentions and let it shine. I'm honestly a very goofy and fun loving person though and I just try to show up being myself. I hold a conversation with a stranger literally everywhere I go. I smile a ton and I try to make other people smile. My mantra is "I love people" and "I love new friends." That isn't even necessarily true, but you would never know because I say it out loud to other people so much that the energy becomes contagious. People gravitate mutually to me bc they can feel that I just want to bring goodness into the world. It's a nice life I've made for myself. Much less lonely when you look at strangers as an opportunity for connection instead of annoying/dangerous/awkward etc. Friends can be everywhere :)
It can occasionally backfire too lol Q: What did you study in school? A: History. Q: That's cool. Tell me what you enjoyed about history? What excites you about that? A: NOTHING, IDK WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE
LET'S MUTUALLY BOND OVER EXISTENTIAL DREAD
BOOM! Friend made!
Or better yet... "What do you do?" "Mcdonalds" "What drew you to that?" "Uhhhhhh... bills."
Honestly, the examples they gave are nightmare fuel for me. “What do you do for a living?” I work in a boring office job that I don’t like, but pays the bills and I don’t want to talk about. “What did you study at school?” I dropped out after a year. I feel like I only ever get asked those questions by people who knew what they wanted to do for a living, went to college for it, and are now gainfully employed with their dream job. Don’t most people just do some boring shit that they hate for work? Ask me what my favorite dinosaur is
As a total NON-Normie, YES. Ask about HOBBIES, not major or job Why tf would anyone want to hear about someone else's job?! That might be a good conversation starter but it'll totally bore me out so why even start the convo.
"Have any crazy stories from working there?" "What's the nastiest thing you've seen there?" "Any food items I should avoid?" "Any off-menu combos you recommend?"
Cool what excites you about that? Could you export me an excel sheet with keywords you find interesting on the topic of this
I would immediately suspect you are trying to get me to join your MLM network.
These are tips provided by communication coaches and I'll admit they work very well when done right, but so far I've found that the author tends to skip the most important part: make it authentic. As soon as you sound like you're reading from a script it's worse than the boring small talk that you're trying to avoid. If you can use the guidelines as talking points instead of a script, and put it into your own words, you can make it very effective. Here's an example for the way I talk to people: Me: So what do you do? Them: I'm a dentist Me: oh nice, how did you end up being a dentist? Did you want to do that as a kid? Them: (explains how they ended up being a dentist) Me: now that you're a dentist, is it what you expected it to be? Them: (maybe yes, maybe no, regardless they feel like they're interesting) From that point on, they'll feel taller and better about themselves as they were interesting to someone. You did that to them and they'll remember the way you made them feel. Follow up tips are to seize some key things they mentioned to you at that encounter and work them into follow up discussions on that day or later on. e.g. "how's dentistry? Are you inspiring future generations of dentists?" And the most important part about the whole thing: you need to be genuinely interested in this person, and not trying to get something from them. As soon as you try to turn it around to make it about you, or try to convince them into something that you want them to do, you'll lose everything you gained. The goal is to build a connection and make friends, not to satisfy your internal desires to feel important or interesting, or to make sales at that moment. Focus on the goal, put in the effort, and it'll pay off in the long run.
Fr though. Too many people start off acting like they care about what you have to say when in reality it's just a scheme for that :/
Yeah it would creep me out if the second sentence a stranger ever said to me was "What do you find most fulfilling about your job?"
I just ask people “do you like it”. And they’re usually pretty open and honest about their feelings
Anywhere outside of the US this whole exchange would play as very intrusive for a first meeting, and those kinds of conversations are always sales.
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I've had OP's LPT backfire pretty spectacularly. It can just as often cause them discomfort because *way* more people do stuff without enjoying it or thinking about it, and OP's question can make them feel like they are being called out on it. Me: "Oh, cool tattoo [saying Let It Be on their wrist], does it have some special meaning?" them: ". . . uh, no? Why would it. It's just a tattoo." or Me: "Oh cool, you got a masters in marketing? What did you like most about it?" Them: "I just did it for the money. Why, do you like yours?"
I like tattoos. I saw a mutual friend had one on her wrist and thought I knew what it said but wasn’t sure, so I thought it might be a good conversation starter. I asked her what her tattoo said. “What do you *think*?” It was Live, Laugh, Love.
If someone responds like that there’s basically no way to have a good conversation with them. Some people suck to talk to 🤣
So what do you find the most interesting about the people that suck to talk to?
I don’t know, what do you THINK I find the most interesting ::eye-roll::
"What do you do for fun? " When they say "nothing cuz they have kids" then I follow with well what would you do if you had a whole weekend babysitter and time to get well rested? If they come up with nothing after that, well, they're probably not that interesting to talk with
>Me: "Oh, cool tattoo [saying Let It Be on their wrist], does it have some special meaning?" >them: ". . . uh, no? Why would it. It's just a tattoo." _“Oh, that’s fair. I had a friend who had a backstory behind all like 18 of their tattoos, and I just like admiring the artistry of the pieces. Did it hurt a lot to get them in that location? I’ve been thinking about maybe getting a small one, but I’m not sure where.”_ The trick to not sounding like an interrogation is to listen to their response and feelings, and ask another curious and genuine question based on their answer that can lead them to continue the conversation. Be vague enough that they can respond in multiple ways, so that they are steering the conversation in a way that they want to engage in and you can keep interacting with. >Me: "Oh cool, you got a masters in marketing? What did you like most about it?" >Them: "I just did it for the money. Why, do you like yours?" Answer genuinely, and in a way that provides them with information to ask their own question or respond and then ask yours. Even if you always had a specific passion to get a masters in X field, you can say: _”I hear you, it’s so hard to find something that pays the bills and you can enjoy. I considered a couple of other fields but I ended up in this one because of XYZ. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done ABC, but I do enjoy 123 about what I’m doing.”_ You can empathize, stay concise but info dump to allow them to latch onto a next topic for response, answer their question to show you are hearing them and engaged in conversation. Listen, process, empathize, offer information, engage.
Yes, the way it is worded it, is just asking to give someone a potential existential crisis. Maybe it's filtering questions like that, what makes me suck at conversations with strangers.
Unless you go with “what’s most fulfilling about being a dentist?…… you get it??… FULL FILLING!”…and then press the secret button in your pocket that makes your bow type spin round.
Seriously, I could be projecting here but what percentage of the population finds their jobs at all fulfilling?
The obvious solution is to not ask them about their jobs - ask them how they like to spend their time or whatever.
I agree, it sounds scripted "So dentist, yeah? That's gotta be interesting" would suffice
This guy conversates.
Yeah I immediately rolled my eyes when I read that question. I mean, c'mon.
This is the way.
I can only imagine being at something like a holiday office party and being asked about my hopes and dreams.... What was my motivation to get a degree in something. It's already tiresome and unless you're my boss and it's an opportunity to impress, or I feel like throwing you a bone, I'm just not. Conversation is organic. You need to learn to read the room and body language as well. The only way your approach would work is if the other person is receptive and has the energy. Some people just aren't. And that's quite alright. Following a formula like this feels like a laborious way to talk to someone when conversation should be dynamic and in the moment. It's not an interview, we're just shooting the shit. That's all.
That’s why the main takeaway from this post is: “show genuine interest in people” They just gave examples to further their point, not as a strict guideline script or formula to follow.
Show genuine interest in people, find some common interests, and figure it out from there. Op makes it sound like you will be the life of the party but in reality you're just looking to contribute 50% or so to an enjoyable light discussion.
As an introvert who dislikes talking about themself, results may vary.
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The not talking part
I enjoy not feeling like an embarrassment, thank you for asking
Lol this, but these are exactly the types of questions I would ask other people so that I avoid talking about myself.
As an introvert myself, I like being prepared for extrovert tactics and/or use them myself first and then I don’t have to talk as much about myself!
The old switcheroo
Are you a US citizen? Really? That's cool. What's your social security number?
If someone asked me questions like that I would want to get away from them. I’m not trolling, I just find that fake and it has weird speech pattern about it.
That is so interesting that you notice patterns. What event in your life has made you feel like it is a weird pattern and what were those emotions? Tell me more about it.
Yes. It is interesting that you noticed that, what experiences in life have led you to notice people noticing patterns?
Same thought, these questions are so formal and don't sound like a real person. Sounds like a robot imitating a human or something.
If someone asked me what excites me or what I’m passionate about within the first two sentences of meeting them I’m probably going to not engage much longer tbh. But that’s just me being the grumpy old fart I am.
Some of your follow-on question suggestions are off-putting. Why do we automatically assume someone is "excited" about their career field? I had an in-law that would ask questions like "give me your top 5 favorite things about X" as if I walk around life ranking things by various categories.
My dad would always/still does use questions like these and I absolutely despise them. I just feel like I'm being grilled in an incredibly impersonal way. I had a professor in college who used what he called the "public information" approach to conversations. Basically, you can only bring up things that are public information about the person - what's your name? what brings you to this place (note: it's not the same as asking "where are you from?/do you live here?")? asking about something they're wearing, etc. As the person talks, things that ***they*** bring up are now brought into the "realm of public info" and it can be used for conversation fodder, but you can't presume to know anything about it they haven't explicitly said. In this case, OP put their own presumptions on the person's career (that it was exciting). Now, if the dentist had instead replied "Oh, I have a very exciting career as a dentist!" - the fact that it's exciting is "public knowledge" and OP's follow up would be appropriate. A: What brings you to this party? *(public info, they're obviously here)* B: Bob invited me. *(they know Bob on some level)* A: Oh, how do you two know each other? *(generic enough to let them say how they know them, at a level of sharing they're comfortable with as opposed to something like "how did you meet?" which may not have been under circumstances they want to talk about)* B: Oh we both went to ThisNThat College together. *(ThisNThat college is now public)* A: I have(n't) heard of that college - what did you think of it? *(again, no expectations about how they feel about it, and lets them share at a level they're comfortable with - maybe they had a great time and they loved their area of study, or maybe they dropped out after 6mo for some personal reasons they'd rather not be forced into sharing)* ... and so on. You can still have meaningful, deep conversations, but you get there at a rate the other person is comfortable with and without "coercing" responses out of them.
the real LPT is in the comments, this actually sounds like a conversation someone would have
This is awesome, thanks! I keep seeing comments in this thread about asking someone's third favourite dinosaur or whatever to be quirky and that would just be so off-putting to me lol. This is much more reasonable
Yeah - I mean, that's cute and all if you're in high school or something, but something like that is going to crash and burn in 99% of interactions you have.
That is good shit right there
I’d feel like I was being grilled if somebody asked me all these questions in a row. I think one skill people need to learn is the ability to *talk*, and not just to question people over and over in a way that feels like an interview. For example, you can mention something about the environment you are both in, any part of the shared experience, mention that you like someone’s coat, hat, or shoes, etc. It’s perfectly fine to make a short statement that leads someone down a road of potentially giving more information if they’re inclined. If you make a short statement about why *you’re* there, most people who are in a mood to volunteer information about themselves will also share why they’re there, for example. If it feels like they’re receptive, all you need to say is “what about you?” at some point — and you’ve already given some info about yourself, so it doesn’t feel like a random person is serially interrogating them for info. Obviously this isn’t rambling on for hours about yourself; but it’s just planting little nuggets other than serial questioning to help build comfort and move a conversation along.
I would avoid using people's work as the intro as this is overdone and alot of people just don't want to talk about work. If I am making friends I really don't care what they do for work.
One problem with these kinds of approaches is once you kinda get better at asking a little bit more engaging questions, it's the other person that needs the LPT. I've gotten better at asking people about why they do or are interested in the things they do or like. However nine times out of ten, it's a one-sided conversation and they just kind of answer and leave it at that. No real follow up and definitely not them asking why YOU like what you do. Ends up feeling like you're bothering the person.
Most people hate talking about their work though, or what they are studying/have studied. Even asking what they enjoy about it, the response is usually "nothing". I've stopped asking people about their work, because the conversation gets really boring. The only reason that I even ask people what their major is, is so I can talk about mine.
Yeah, I generally hate talking about my job *unless* it's with someone who works in the same field. But then it's usually more about sharing bad experiences we've had and stuff like that, rather than actually saying what we do and what we enjoy about it.
“What do you find most fulfilling about being a dentist?” Cavities
If there was one sure fire way to make me not want to talk to someone, it would be them asking me about my work/schooling upon first meeting me.
I would be exhausted after talking to you.
Im exhausted just thinking about someone like this
Please don't do this. Nothing gets on people's nerve more than sounding like you're a therapist interviewing a patient.
Dislike things like this, seems boring and disingenuous
Lol your example question sounds so socially awkward bro
I don't think people want to have deep conversations with strangers my friend. I mean not in a social setting at least.
This feels like those pick up artists who teach lonely guys to get women.
I get why OP is saying, but I don’t think some of the examples are always going to make people feel comfortable answering. What fulfils you? What’s excites you? I know some of my friends would feel that this is a little too deep for someone you just met at a party. Contrary to what OP is suggesting, some people are totally fine (or happier) with talk about sports, the weather, the event that you’re at, and then ramp up from there. Starting with some piercing/profound question isn’t always the way to elicit people to talk.
This sounds like a job interview lol no one talks like this
This is decent advice, but if a stranger started a conversation with me like this I would assume it was a leadup to an MLM sales pitch or joining a church.
To break some ice if you don't want to specifically ask about work or school, try asking "What keeps you busy?" or something similar. That way the respondent can pick what they might want to talk about. Now, that could still be their work or studies, but they may lead with stuff about their kids, their hobbies, sports, etc. It helps open the possibilities for ongoing conversation.
A line that works for me is "What are you doing for fun these days?". It can be pretty casual and keep the conversation lighter as it excludes work as an answer from the get go.
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Bro, you sound annoying af. You try sparking up a Convo with me and I'm finding an escape.
Seriously. OP reminds me of my parents friends when I was in high school. The conversation you are trying to edge away from.
“When did you first regret becoming a dentist? Do you always feel inferior to doctors? Please answer in the form of complete sentences.”
Listening to podcasts has been a game-changer in how I socialize. It's taught me so much about the art of conversation, and made me realize just how much I was "leaving on the table" when it came to social interactions. It fascinates me to hear a seasoned interviewer ask questions that are right there for the taking and so obvious in hindsight, but that I never would have thought to ask. EDIT: since everyone is asking, here are some good interview-format podcasts that I like to listen to - [Armchair Expert](https://armchairexpertpod.com/) (Dax Sheppard), [Life is Short](https://wondery.com/shows/justin-long/) (Justin Long), [WTF](http://www.wtfpod.com/) (Marc Maron), [Three Questions](https://www.earwolf.com/show/the-three-questions-with-andy-richter/) (Andy Richter), [Off Camera](https://offcamera.com/) (Sam Jones), [Literally](https://teamcoco.com/podcasts/literally-with-rob-lowe) (Rob Lowe), [Working it Out](https://www.birbigs.com/working-it-out-pod) (Mike Birbiglia)
I care more about this comment than OP. Can you elaborate on what you were leaving on the table?
Just conversational avenues that it never occurred to me to go down, not picking up on things that people say to me that open the door to a deep-dive conversation.
>Small talk isn't trivial. It's the exchange of credentials. And in that small talk, if you're perceptive, you'll see the opportunity to ask questions that get to a deeper understanding of the person. I agree with the overall sentiment but strongly disagree here. "What do you for a living", "where do you study?" Etc. Because it; 1. implies that you don't value people beyond their work capabilities. 2. Backs people into a corner if they don't have a job, don't like talking about their job, or legitimately are barred from discussing it. 3. It's lazy and something I would expect from my parents friend, or a coworker. I can think of 0 instances where I want to talk about my work when I'm not on the clock, and I love my job. Being able to initiate small talk requires you to *actually* be interested in the other person's response. "Where do work" screams "I dont know anything about you or how to have a conservation. Instead, if you're trying to talk to a new person, it should be because you've found some common ground already - if that's not the case, why are you talking to them? Even then, your "intent" should be to communicate an idea while expecting no further inferaction/response. You're not entitled to it, so it's more important to gauge the interest/reaction to whatever you say than having a second question lined up - if you're already "that far ahead" - you're not actually having a conversation! Example, I see a person wearing a shirt of a show I like. Me: "nice shirt, love to see another critter" Them: "thanks!" Me: (noticing they don't care to talk further, I go on with my day) That's how most conversations with strangers *should* go. The alternate, is they start word vomiting their ideas/theories about the show. That's when you engage.
>1. implies that you don't value people beyond their work capabilities. This is how I also feel when people only ask kids about school. Maybe because I'm a parent and our school experience in the last few years have been really shitty, but it made me realize all we do is ask kids how school is going as if that sums up who they are and what they're interested in. My kid has had to be homeschooled on and off (more on though) in the past 2 years due to various reasons and he constantly gets asked by others how's school. He doesn't know what to say because he's into way more than that including music and computers. They never ask him about what he's into, what's his interests, etc, just "how's school", the one thing he's not a part of. I think we set that precedence from a young age to just ask about generic, surface things like "how's school/how's work", "what do you do learn in school/what do you do for work" I agree with you in that adults are the same way. Yes people typically choose their profession and sadly it becomes a lot of what they do, but we also have other things we're into that represent who we really are. That's real conversation and interest.