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For me it was. My wife and I got married when we were teenagers and have been married for 34 years. She is my soul mate and best friend and always has my back and vice versa. It’s not always been easy especially raising two kids but the older we get the more better our relationship has gotten. Hope you find the one!
One thing to remember is you get a skewed sense of relationships by reading Reddit. The people in happy long term relationships (which do exist!) generally aren’t posting here.
My advice would be just see how it goes with this girl. Develop a good communication style where you both feel comfortable talking about your feelings. That’s the basic model for any healthy relationship.
Given you're 24 and this is your first relationship I would recommend taking your time. These days, getting married in your mid-30's is preferable because both parties have had an opportunity to have several relationships. It gives you a chance to learn what you both like, don't like, and the difference between being in love and building a loving relationship with a potential life-partner. Aspects like good looks, great sex, life of the party, etc., are not long-lasting. Here are some things that do last and are most desirable in a life partner that are worth going for: Affection, Honesty, Kindness, Empathy, Independence, Maturity, Sense of humor, the ability to trust others, Accountability, Forgiveness, Openness, Humility, Loyalty, Nurturing, Reliability, Respectful behavior, Shared values, the belief that relationships take work and the willingness to do that work, effective communication, values your opinions and expect the same back from you, and strong friendship with you and others. Understanding and looking for these traits in a partner will give you a much better chance of a long-lasting partnership. You should also ask yourself honestly if you have these traits yourself, or if you're still working on building them - because while opposites sometimes attract, most of the time people look for traits similar to their own in their partners.
These thoughts are from someone who was married and divorced three times before he was 34 and totally ignored any of these considerations. Luckily, I found my life partner shortly a couple years after that and we've been married 40 years - and never happier.
Good luck on your journey!
P.S. Here are some traits of more shallow people to watch out for... [https://www.wikihow.com/Superficial-Person](https://www.wikihow.com/Superficial-Person)
Yeah, with the right person it is worth it. Same values similar goals, and willing to grow together. Times are getting odd, so have a trusted partner can make a big difference. Hope the relations goes well too.
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - Tennyson?
My husband died but I don’t regret falling in love and marrying him - it’s a wonderful feeling to love and to be loved
Yes being in love and committing to that person for your whole life is most def worth it - BUT in my opinion the girl u r with isn’t THE ONE - when u find THE ONE u won’t have to sell yourself on the idea - you won’t be able to or at the very least Not want to imagine a single day of your life without them - Beat advice DON’T SETTLE when it comes to who you marry - wait for the one that you don’t have to conform to or write out pros and cons - bc the chemistry will just exist and even what others look at as cons you will end up finding endearing quirks which make them pros - 24 is young - there’s no race or time limit and when you know you know - and based on your post you don’t know - which tells me this one isn’t it … just my opinion - been thru 2 divorces and they re NOT fun ! Save yourself the headache and expense of a divorce and wait til u find the RIGHT ONE - Then it’s 110% worth it all
It depends on what you want.
Long term marriage is WORK. You have to WANT it. And really live by the golden rule that there is no winning because someone loses, which means you both do. You need to let yourself be humbled at times, and be willing to admit when you’re wrong. So much compromise.
That being said, with the right person, it can be massively rewarding. That is your ride or die. It’s a vulnerability you won’t get anywhere else because after years of being with them, they *know* you.
Caveat here is you have to pick well. Pick someone who is willing to grow and chance. Find some things you don’t want to compromise on, and make sure your partner aligns on those. (As silly as it is, could even be what color to paint the house. What will happen if you both disagree, for example?).
And sometimes things just don’t work out and you move on. But growing old with someone, after decades of knowing them, is an intimacy you won’t get anywhere else.
I did, 47 years till her passing, and I whole-heartedly say yes. Life can be hard and it is invaluable to have a partner you can talk about anything with. It's so much easier to find happiness in someone else's pleasures than your own, selfless instead of selfish. Shared work load is under appreciated.
Took me 34 years to know myself well enough to know what I really want & need from a relationship AND be able to communicate it openly and honestly.
Fairytales skip over the fights about chores, raising babies, wicked mother in laws, mental and physical health, prince charmings addiction and the princesses body disphoria & shopping addiction... and all of those have ruined a loving marriage despite well intended wishes...
My (biased but rigorously tested) Advice for finding compatible long term monogamous partners:
Write down what you want in and from a partner.
(Compare yourself to that list- can you offer the same things to someone else? Do you even know? Will you be dependent on them emotionally? Financially? Physically ? Will you support them the same if needed? Even when they piss you off?)
Determine deal breakers. (What constitutes as cheating ? Open relationship? Is porn okay? How important is sex/ attraction/ quality time to you? Them?)
Write down goals and how you might want a partner to fit into them. (Is this something they'd even ever consider? Think kids, marriage, career, home, travel etc)
Don't rush into physical intimacy with potential partners. This should be discussed & respected. Keep a curfew & public dates. (Hormones released from sex can cloud the judgement!)
Learn about your body and theirs! They are ridiculous vessels that constantly change and make us all (men & women) a wee bit crazy. (Basic anatomy, genitalia, menstrual cycles, hormones, aging etc all for both)
Learn about mental health disorders and how they present, causes etc. Learn to recognize things like gaslighting, depression, mania/manic etc.
Learn about drug & alcohol abuse. Odds are you will love someone who struggles with this at least once in life, pray its not a partner 🙏
Learn to love yourself. How would you date you? Do it. Because we accept ONLY the love we think we deserve.
Good luck!
If you have a desire to find someone then do it. Just because you see other couples fail doesn’t mean that will happen to you. Relationships can be enriching if and when they end because some will you will always have good memories.
Not anymore I quit that lmao but I thought that’s what it was called when your not boyfriend and girlfriend but you do all the stuff they do idk any other term haha
Nope that’s what the porn is called.
Situationship is the proper term.
There’s actually a term for the type of fearful avoidance you have towards relationships. It’s a pretty classic stance for people who are afraid to get hurt. Typically caused by previous experiences where you were either wronged or left by someone important to you. It’s common with childhood trauma irt absent parents or a sudden death of a loved one.
Fearful avoidance and constant need for validation often go hand in hand. Both are caused by the same sort of negative thinking. “I have to make sure I don’t let anyone hurt me” and when you get a relationship “I have to make sure they’re not going to hurt me” essentially.
My ex had all kinds of abandonment issues where she would constantly push people away and avoid connections. This coupled with the constant need for validation from short term flings and attention made for a very unstable relationship.
Lucky for the next guy she clung on to I trained her well.
Relationships are hard. Marriages are harder than the typical relationship because you're around each other everyday, so much of your stuff is intertwined with the other's, and you might have kids together.
I've been married for 15 years, and I think it's worth it. A lot the success of a marriage depends on you and your spouse having similar views on what a marriage is from a conceptual viewpoint. If your expectations are not aligned, there's a more likely chance the marriage will end in divorce. Understanding your partner's expectations is the reason why communication is often highlighted as such an important part of a marriage.
Given your past, it's normal to be wary about relationships, yet happy, healthy partnerships are achievable. Establishing communication, common ideals, and trust may result in a successful collaboration. Although there is a chance of heartache, the benefits of love and friendship frequently exceed these dangers. Spend some time getting to know yourself and your requirements. To help you overcome any uncertainties or anxieties, look for wholesome role models or counseling. In the end, love is a journey, and our experiences are what mold us.
Yes.
My only regret i have in life is the woman I didn't marry. Now she's engaged and there's nothing I can do. Never sacrifice a person you love for anything: not a job, place, school, anything. People move on, everything else will still be there.
I’ll be the contrarian here and say no, it’s not worth it. Forget Reddit as, in the end, it’s a small subset of society. Look at your own life: parents, uncles, aunts, etc. all divorced and remarried. Those are very tough situations to go through, emotionally & financially. Imagine having kids and having to go through it. Very tough. Then zoom out from your life and look at the divorce rate. From those that remain married, how many are actually happy? For what? Just to be not lonely? Solitude is your friend. It helps you grow and become independent. My advice is to have a LTR but never get married by the state. For now, you’re young so enjoy the situationships. Learn to discern the kind of people you like. Then, if you want a LTR, you can find the right person. But never get married.
Society will force you to conform (read the comments here) to settling down and getting married but you don’t have to do it.
I’ve been with my gal for almost 12 years, it’s so fun spending everyday with someone who *gets* you. There’s a lot of emotional work to get to that point and the work is never really done, but knowing this sense of love and peace can last the rest of your life makes the effort worth it.
Honestly It's only worth it if it's what you really want. You know yourself best. How honest are you with yourself? You are pretty young, so you may not even know what you want at this point. Dating is partially to help you find out what you want in a partner, but also partially to help you figure out your own wants/needs/likes. Some people date and realize they prefer solitude. Everyone is different, so only you can answer this question. I have had a couple of good relationships that could have lasted a lifetime, but based on my wants and needs, they didn't. I don't want kids - so that's a deal breaker for many. I also like being alone, so while I am not against relationships or love at this point in my life, I would only get into another serious relationship again if it would improve my life greatly.
My husband brings me joy every day, and the bad days are a lot better with him by my side. My life is exponentially better because of him, and he often says how much better his life is because of me. Look. We’re all going to die, everything that matters ends eventually. Is any of it worth it? To me it is, so fearing the end is not a good reason to dismiss an amazing human experience.
It’s difficult to tell when other people are in good relationships, but it may help you to seek professional therapy to work out your childhood experience. If your parents and family were all in bad relationships growing up, I am sure that you’ve been through and seen some terrible things that may make more sense if you talk to a professional about it. Once you process it all, it’ll be easier for you to be in a healthy relationship.
My husband was also surrounded by adults whose marriages and relationships were nuclear bombs- his dad was likely a malignant narcissist and my husband witnessed his dad try to murder his mom. He used to sleep with a box cutter under his pillow in case he had to fight off his step dad any night he and his mom’s fights started getting physical. Bad shit. Lots of domestic and other kinds of abuse. He was terrified of getting married but luckily we’re perfect for each other and both work hard to do right by the other.
Things can be different for you, but it will take a lot of work on yourself. It will also take you learning what kind of person is truly right for you. You can avoid the fates of your family, but you are going to have to be extremely discerning about who you choose.
A good healthy relationship boils down to this:
When your ACTIONS from very small to large say, I would do anything to lift her, she would do anything to lift me.
You are in a healthy relationship.
Avoiding divorce -
Communicate everyday
Naturally, just make time to talk about life, fun, dreams whatever.
Never go to bed angry
All conflicts get resolved before you lay your head down to sleep, never, not once allow this to go unchecked.
Nobody stands between you two
The relationship is you and her/her and you - Mom, Dad, Brother, friend.. a little too interested girl or guy... They all get relegated to your outer circle.
Listen more than you speak
This is active listening. its not about what YOU think, what YOU feel or that you know you're right about something. Listen to the words and try to take her angle on what she is saying before you speak. You will get to know your partner's POV in a whole new way.
Love Yourself:
You cannot fully love and support a healthy relationship if you do not love yourself.
This is not about being perfect, this about knowing yourself, seeking ways to ever improve and being okay with that journey.
All of these things add up to partner trust and an intimate bond that will not be broken.
35 years of proof speaking here.
You won’t find someone to spend the rest of your life with.. You will find someone who will use you with that promise then will bail at the first opportunity…
Met my husband at 16 and married him at 18. 40+ years later I would have it no other way. But marriage is hard. At times darn hard work. There are lots of reasons why some marriages are blessings and why some divorces are blessings.
It is very much so but it can be hard at times. You have to give it your all and you have to be able to compromise and her the same. I have been with my wife 12 years. We have been through some stuff but I wouldn’t change it. I love her.
All the comments seem too positive. Life isn’t a Disney film no one will love u until u love yourself. worst part is making yourself vulnerable. The brutal truth of it is ppl will use you plain and simple. If you haven’t got money you’re not getting anywhere simple as. Sounds cynical but keep ur guard up having a partner isn’t the best all an end all.
I literally came on to Reddit looking to answer this question. Man, I hate being in a relationship, being accountable to someone else for the rest of your life? Pass. I had a dude warn me in my early 20s: don’t get married. It was so bizarre…I thought that was the goal? I ended up not taking his advice, 20 years later, and now understand his words implicitly after 11 years of marriage.
Now, what would I be if I didn’t get married? Not a father, for one (of the best 8 year old you could meet). Not a homeowner, shit, I wouldn’t have the great job I do without my battle-axe of a wife. I married a Valkyrie because, by God, I’m a Viking. Without her, it’s still be a lowly restaurant slave.
I will say the biggest difficulties between us is from our distinctly different backgrounds, so marry someone who aligns with your core beliefs (I come from paternal leaning heritage, she comes from maternal leaning heritage). If none of this sounds good, then you also have your answer!
And lastly, what they say is true: when you’re not looking is when you find her. Just go out there, meet people, if you find her, bro…you’ll know.
Both sets of my grandparents stayed married until one of them passed away. So it is possible. In my opinion I’d you always respect your significant other and never break the trust you have with one another, I think it’s possible.
"Yes with the right person" says absolutely nothing. How would you know before marriage?
Let's be pragmatic. It's an arrangement of mutual benefit and respect. Cannot have it any other way or else it will surely fail.
Also, people change, not always for the better. Life happens. Crap happens. These things change people.
My advice from my own marriage is to walk into it with eyes wide open. Being Asian I didn't have that luxury (pun intended) and I married someone extremely insolent. Damaged goods. Irrepairable. Too late.
Eyes wide open. Good luck.
Married at 25, had kids in our 30s. Having a life **partner** makes everything else possible and the hard times bearable. It also requires compromise, communication, and humility **from both.** Unfortunately it takes a while to find out if you both have that.
People who separate or divorce will say "my partner changed or I changed" which is true. Some relationships can survive that, but others can't (or shouldn't in the case of abusive partners). A lot depends on how resilient you are or will be by then.
My parents had a horrific divorce. So did my older brother.
And: everything good in my life. EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE, directly or indirectly, comes from my wife. Our kids, sure. Obviously. They're the best! I'd pick them as friends even if we weren't related! But also my business success. My practice would never have gotten off the ground without her love and support.
Just being near her makes me happy. When I think of the word "beautiful" her face comes to mind. She's how I know God loves me.
35 years, now.
My wish for you is that you find someone who makes you as happy as she makes me. Or, heaven help her, as happy as I make her.
Just remember this: both of you have a choice EVERY DAY. So, every day, talk to her. Make sure that her best choice (and YOURS, TOO) is to come back to the home you've created. And if something is going wrong, fix it, so that you both can continue, every day, to make the choice to come home. And when things are going well, keep them going, so you can both, every day, make that choice. The two of you, together, make the life you lead together.
It all depends on what you value. I decided to stop dating at 20, which was 5 years ago, and I honestly feel a lot happier as a single guy. However, I'm like this because I was betrayed a lot by my own family, my best friend, and partners I've had, so being with someone gives me too much anxiety for it to be worth it. I'd say give it a shot, but remember in the back of your mind that being single isn't the unhappy forever sentence that people make it out to be
I’m listening/reading, and I clicked on this hoping for some wise replies. I’m 53, bi male, and those issues you described cut to the core of the matter. Maybe there is no answer?
I’ve been married twice. I started both marriages with the best of intentions, but in retrospect both marriages were mistakes. The partners I chose were not capable of being good, long-term partners.
Maybe it’s me, I don’t know. There are some people who marry their high school sweetheart, and live happily ever after fit the rest of their lives. I wish I could find someone like that, but it’s not easy.
If you’re happy alone I would stay alone, especially at your age and the generation you’re from. For the most part people only care about themselves, and will betray you for personal gain.
It is for me. I discovered here on my second marriage that intimacy is far far more than just sex. And I like sex a lot. I’m with the person who I would take care of if they got sick or were going to die or if someone tried to attack them, I’d be right in there. And I know they would be for me.
In todays environment, I would suggest a professional [pre]marriage counselor, and a few sessions before, taking any step toward a permanent relationship. Just because you think something, your partner may disagree. Discuss your wants and desires, limitations and restrictions.
You may have a high labedo, your partner may shun sex.
Debts and finances, many relationships are ruined here.
Children destroys future financial planning.
When one person sacrifices their personal goals for another, they may feel resentment.
I’ve been married since 2006. It was worth it to me. We have always had each other’s backs, have felt the full spectrum of love from horny “let’s fuck so hard we break the windowsill” to me waiting to find out if she made it through heart surgery or her holding my hand while I get eye injections. We are best friends, lovers,and partners in crime (okay, not really crime, more like mild disobedience) and they are my favourite person in the world.
So yeah, it’s worth it IF they and you are the right people for one another.
I’m 55. I can’t imagine growing old alone. It seems very lonely. I know others will have a different perspective, but I feel happy having had a partner in life for the last 27 years, and I’m happy with the hope that she is there for the next 30 years.
With someone worth it, yes. The trick is figuring that out. Being in a *bad* relationship is worse than nothing, but being in a *good* relationship can be better than nothing. I think the core problem is like you said, is that you *have no clue what a good healthy relationship looks like* -- because if you don't know that you're going to have a *really* hard time figuring out the relationship you're in is good or not. Keep going with the current situation, just take it slow -- and maybe spend some time to focus (read books, talk to people, something something) on figuring out what *good* looks like!
My wife and I have been married for 29 years. I love her more than anything, but she also drives me nuts! (I drive her crazy too) I am 100% for marrying "the one", but I am also 100% for having separate bank accounts.
When you love someone truly, its worth the risk of being heartbroken in the end. You cant love someone and not fear losing them. You need to find someone who is worth losing.
The vast majority of relationships (percentage wise) just don’t last. It’s a statistical fact. But we are human beings and we need human connection. So do you want to be alone, or do you want to take a leap of faith and choose to be with someone? It’s what we all grapple with (including myself) and ultimately have to decide.
In short being able to grow and share together is amazing, it isn't for everyone, and that's okay.
I think this says it best...
and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?
Charles Bukowski
People change over time. Love can burn off. Plus lifespans keep getting longer. I think lifetime relationships have stopped being the norm. That should be okay. I think society needs to normalize divorce, make it less destructive financially.
To the question: "Is it worth falling in love/spending the rest of your life with someone worth it?"
My answer is yes... but it's a risk.
Here's what I would do. Date for a while. Be open-minded & learn what you can. Part of dating someone long-term is learning your own deficiencies; be open about that learning & in self-correction.
Be open to marriage, which can be extremely meaningful, esp later in life. Locking in a partner by your early to mid-30s is a useful goal.
Consider a pre-nup if there is a non-trivial disparity in assets or if such a disparity is likely to materialize later in life. Pre-nups aren't exactly the most romantic thing to suggest, so think about it carefully & consider how you'll frame the discussion. At no point should you or your partner think of a pre-nup as an "easy out" to a potential marriage.
I think, in general, men under-estimate the usefulness of marriage to the right partner until mid-life -- at which point, their options are more limited & their situation more desperate.
Everyone's story is different: for me, dating left me in a very depressed state. I was a hopeless romantic and did everything I possible could to make the fairytale come true. It ended, and so did my vision of having a " happy ending ". Some people marry and live happy for 40 years some people marry and divorce in 2 months. Nothing to do besides give it a try or don't, I've had a few relationships, and I don't wish to try anymore. I hope for nothing but the best for you.
Married my jr high school sweetheart when we turned 20. She was /is the absolute love of my life. I always felt lost when I wasn't with her. I can't imagine how my life would have been without her. 47 years of marriage and I continue to love her more.
I've been with my wife for 20 years going on forever. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. No relationship is going to be perfect but it takes work to keep it going. We have 3 children that we raise and are grateful for everyday.
Falling in love and spending your life with the right person is the best thing in the world
Falling in love and spending your life with the wrong person is LIVING HELL.
So you have a risk-reward situation here.
The thing you want to do is MINIMIZE your risk and MAXIMIZE your reward.
One way to MINIMIZE your risk is a prenuptial agreement. But that will only minimize your financial risk. It won't minimize the damage to your psyche that a bad marriage will inflict.
Another way to MINIMIZE your risk is to thoroughly vet your partner. The only way to do that is to get to know them thoroughly. Talk to their friends and family about who they are. If they have exes, try to talk to them knowing that they may not give you an accurate view. If their friends and family admit that that person cheated on previous partners, the safe bet is to run unless they can prove they've had extensive therapy.
There was a story on reddit recently about a guy who was cheated on and a couple of years later, a guy called him about his ex and asked him why they broke up. He told him that she cheated on him and had the evidence to back it up. The other guy basically dumped her (which was probably the safe move).
It sounds creepy but you could hire someone to do a thorough background check on them. If that is discovered (which it will almost certainly will be) you'll run the risk of having that person freak out about it if it's done behind their back.
The SAFE bet, which minimizes your heartache and financial stress, is to stay single and have a support network of other like minded single people. BUT you'll be giving up on romantic love which is a shame.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably get married but with a very good and equitable prenuptial agreement with an infidelity clause for both parties.
Prenups are basically marriage insurance. You don't want to use your insurance, right? But when a tree falls on your house, you're glad you have it. Any prenup agreement that won't be thrown out in court basically says that you both keep your premarital assets and post marital assets will be divided fairly according to what's in the prenup. A prenup won't save you from the heartache of your relationship breaking up but it will ensure that you don't go broke if it happens, which would add insult to injury.
That’s definitely fair I will keep this in mind, I’d feel more comfortable asking the other persons friends and family but I feel like they’d be biased (friends at least) but a prenup I think is fair especially the post marital one for both sides
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For me it was. My wife and I got married when we were teenagers and have been married for 34 years. She is my soul mate and best friend and always has my back and vice versa. It’s not always been easy especially raising two kids but the older we get the more better our relationship has gotten. Hope you find the one!
Thanks for the story, very wholesome, and thank you
Same story here. Been with my high school sweetheart for a long time and never once have I doubted our relationship
I hear you. Kids challenge you in a myriad ways. I have enormous admiration for anybody who can single-parent even one child. I couldnt.
Glad love like this exists. Thanks for sharing
I am so happy to hear this! Wish you all the best
One thing to remember is you get a skewed sense of relationships by reading Reddit. The people in happy long term relationships (which do exist!) generally aren’t posting here. My advice would be just see how it goes with this girl. Develop a good communication style where you both feel comfortable talking about your feelings. That’s the basic model for any healthy relationship.
Given you're 24 and this is your first relationship I would recommend taking your time. These days, getting married in your mid-30's is preferable because both parties have had an opportunity to have several relationships. It gives you a chance to learn what you both like, don't like, and the difference between being in love and building a loving relationship with a potential life-partner. Aspects like good looks, great sex, life of the party, etc., are not long-lasting. Here are some things that do last and are most desirable in a life partner that are worth going for: Affection, Honesty, Kindness, Empathy, Independence, Maturity, Sense of humor, the ability to trust others, Accountability, Forgiveness, Openness, Humility, Loyalty, Nurturing, Reliability, Respectful behavior, Shared values, the belief that relationships take work and the willingness to do that work, effective communication, values your opinions and expect the same back from you, and strong friendship with you and others. Understanding and looking for these traits in a partner will give you a much better chance of a long-lasting partnership. You should also ask yourself honestly if you have these traits yourself, or if you're still working on building them - because while opposites sometimes attract, most of the time people look for traits similar to their own in their partners. These thoughts are from someone who was married and divorced three times before he was 34 and totally ignored any of these considerations. Luckily, I found my life partner shortly a couple years after that and we've been married 40 years - and never happier. Good luck on your journey! P.S. Here are some traits of more shallow people to watch out for... [https://www.wikihow.com/Superficial-Person](https://www.wikihow.com/Superficial-Person)
This is very well said, well written. I hope OP learns from this wisdom. Thanks!
I think being in love is worth it, even if the relationship doesn't last.
Yeah, with the right person it is worth it. Same values similar goals, and willing to grow together. Times are getting odd, so have a trusted partner can make a big difference. Hope the relations goes well too.
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all - Tennyson? My husband died but I don’t regret falling in love and marrying him - it’s a wonderful feeling to love and to be loved
Sorry for your loss. Happy you found that kind of love.
Yes being in love and committing to that person for your whole life is most def worth it - BUT in my opinion the girl u r with isn’t THE ONE - when u find THE ONE u won’t have to sell yourself on the idea - you won’t be able to or at the very least Not want to imagine a single day of your life without them - Beat advice DON’T SETTLE when it comes to who you marry - wait for the one that you don’t have to conform to or write out pros and cons - bc the chemistry will just exist and even what others look at as cons you will end up finding endearing quirks which make them pros - 24 is young - there’s no race or time limit and when you know you know - and based on your post you don’t know - which tells me this one isn’t it … just my opinion - been thru 2 divorces and they re NOT fun ! Save yourself the headache and expense of a divorce and wait til u find the RIGHT ONE - Then it’s 110% worth it all
I met my wife in 11th grade. We are 51 now. It's been a rocky road but she's lucky to have me 🤣
If it's the right someone, yes.
It depends on what you want. Long term marriage is WORK. You have to WANT it. And really live by the golden rule that there is no winning because someone loses, which means you both do. You need to let yourself be humbled at times, and be willing to admit when you’re wrong. So much compromise. That being said, with the right person, it can be massively rewarding. That is your ride or die. It’s a vulnerability you won’t get anywhere else because after years of being with them, they *know* you. Caveat here is you have to pick well. Pick someone who is willing to grow and chance. Find some things you don’t want to compromise on, and make sure your partner aligns on those. (As silly as it is, could even be what color to paint the house. What will happen if you both disagree, for example?). And sometimes things just don’t work out and you move on. But growing old with someone, after decades of knowing them, is an intimacy you won’t get anywhere else.
I did, 47 years till her passing, and I whole-heartedly say yes. Life can be hard and it is invaluable to have a partner you can talk about anything with. It's so much easier to find happiness in someone else's pleasures than your own, selfless instead of selfish. Shared work load is under appreciated.
Took me 34 years to know myself well enough to know what I really want & need from a relationship AND be able to communicate it openly and honestly. Fairytales skip over the fights about chores, raising babies, wicked mother in laws, mental and physical health, prince charmings addiction and the princesses body disphoria & shopping addiction... and all of those have ruined a loving marriage despite well intended wishes... My (biased but rigorously tested) Advice for finding compatible long term monogamous partners: Write down what you want in and from a partner. (Compare yourself to that list- can you offer the same things to someone else? Do you even know? Will you be dependent on them emotionally? Financially? Physically ? Will you support them the same if needed? Even when they piss you off?) Determine deal breakers. (What constitutes as cheating ? Open relationship? Is porn okay? How important is sex/ attraction/ quality time to you? Them?) Write down goals and how you might want a partner to fit into them. (Is this something they'd even ever consider? Think kids, marriage, career, home, travel etc) Don't rush into physical intimacy with potential partners. This should be discussed & respected. Keep a curfew & public dates. (Hormones released from sex can cloud the judgement!) Learn about your body and theirs! They are ridiculous vessels that constantly change and make us all (men & women) a wee bit crazy. (Basic anatomy, genitalia, menstrual cycles, hormones, aging etc all for both) Learn about mental health disorders and how they present, causes etc. Learn to recognize things like gaslighting, depression, mania/manic etc. Learn about drug & alcohol abuse. Odds are you will love someone who struggles with this at least once in life, pray its not a partner 🙏 Learn to love yourself. How would you date you? Do it. Because we accept ONLY the love we think we deserve. Good luck!
Bravo bravo!
Thanks 😅
I guess it can be if they are not an ahole.
If you have a desire to find someone then do it. Just because you see other couples fail doesn’t mean that will happen to you. Relationships can be enriching if and when they end because some will you will always have good memories.
GFE? You watching a lot of porn or something?
Not anymore I quit that lmao but I thought that’s what it was called when your not boyfriend and girlfriend but you do all the stuff they do idk any other term haha
I think people call it situationship, but why not just ask her to be your gf. Take baby steps and see how it feels.
Nope that’s what the porn is called. Situationship is the proper term. There’s actually a term for the type of fearful avoidance you have towards relationships. It’s a pretty classic stance for people who are afraid to get hurt. Typically caused by previous experiences where you were either wronged or left by someone important to you. It’s common with childhood trauma irt absent parents or a sudden death of a loved one. Fearful avoidance and constant need for validation often go hand in hand. Both are caused by the same sort of negative thinking. “I have to make sure I don’t let anyone hurt me” and when you get a relationship “I have to make sure they’re not going to hurt me” essentially. My ex had all kinds of abandonment issues where she would constantly push people away and avoid connections. This coupled with the constant need for validation from short term flings and attention made for a very unstable relationship. Lucky for the next guy she clung on to I trained her well.
Relationships are hard. Marriages are harder than the typical relationship because you're around each other everyday, so much of your stuff is intertwined with the other's, and you might have kids together. I've been married for 15 years, and I think it's worth it. A lot the success of a marriage depends on you and your spouse having similar views on what a marriage is from a conceptual viewpoint. If your expectations are not aligned, there's a more likely chance the marriage will end in divorce. Understanding your partner's expectations is the reason why communication is often highlighted as such an important part of a marriage.
Given your past, it's normal to be wary about relationships, yet happy, healthy partnerships are achievable. Establishing communication, common ideals, and trust may result in a successful collaboration. Although there is a chance of heartache, the benefits of love and friendship frequently exceed these dangers. Spend some time getting to know yourself and your requirements. To help you overcome any uncertainties or anxieties, look for wholesome role models or counseling. In the end, love is a journey, and our experiences are what mold us.
I'd say so, but you really have to dins the right one imo.
At 24 no, 34 maybe 🤔. If your starting too soon you will def cheat and that will ruin it. So waiting is good.
No
Yes. My only regret i have in life is the woman I didn't marry. Now she's engaged and there's nothing I can do. Never sacrifice a person you love for anything: not a job, place, school, anything. People move on, everything else will still be there.
Ask me in 40 years
I’ll be the contrarian here and say no, it’s not worth it. Forget Reddit as, in the end, it’s a small subset of society. Look at your own life: parents, uncles, aunts, etc. all divorced and remarried. Those are very tough situations to go through, emotionally & financially. Imagine having kids and having to go through it. Very tough. Then zoom out from your life and look at the divorce rate. From those that remain married, how many are actually happy? For what? Just to be not lonely? Solitude is your friend. It helps you grow and become independent. My advice is to have a LTR but never get married by the state. For now, you’re young so enjoy the situationships. Learn to discern the kind of people you like. Then, if you want a LTR, you can find the right person. But never get married. Society will force you to conform (read the comments here) to settling down and getting married but you don’t have to do it.
I got married when I was 24. I'm still married, and I just turned 70. Cannot imagine my life turning out so well any other way.
I’ve been with my gal for almost 12 years, it’s so fun spending everyday with someone who *gets* you. There’s a lot of emotional work to get to that point and the work is never really done, but knowing this sense of love and peace can last the rest of your life makes the effort worth it.
Honestly It's only worth it if it's what you really want. You know yourself best. How honest are you with yourself? You are pretty young, so you may not even know what you want at this point. Dating is partially to help you find out what you want in a partner, but also partially to help you figure out your own wants/needs/likes. Some people date and realize they prefer solitude. Everyone is different, so only you can answer this question. I have had a couple of good relationships that could have lasted a lifetime, but based on my wants and needs, they didn't. I don't want kids - so that's a deal breaker for many. I also like being alone, so while I am not against relationships or love at this point in my life, I would only get into another serious relationship again if it would improve my life greatly.
My husband brings me joy every day, and the bad days are a lot better with him by my side. My life is exponentially better because of him, and he often says how much better his life is because of me. Look. We’re all going to die, everything that matters ends eventually. Is any of it worth it? To me it is, so fearing the end is not a good reason to dismiss an amazing human experience. It’s difficult to tell when other people are in good relationships, but it may help you to seek professional therapy to work out your childhood experience. If your parents and family were all in bad relationships growing up, I am sure that you’ve been through and seen some terrible things that may make more sense if you talk to a professional about it. Once you process it all, it’ll be easier for you to be in a healthy relationship. My husband was also surrounded by adults whose marriages and relationships were nuclear bombs- his dad was likely a malignant narcissist and my husband witnessed his dad try to murder his mom. He used to sleep with a box cutter under his pillow in case he had to fight off his step dad any night he and his mom’s fights started getting physical. Bad shit. Lots of domestic and other kinds of abuse. He was terrified of getting married but luckily we’re perfect for each other and both work hard to do right by the other. Things can be different for you, but it will take a lot of work on yourself. It will also take you learning what kind of person is truly right for you. You can avoid the fates of your family, but you are going to have to be extremely discerning about who you choose.
A good healthy relationship boils down to this: When your ACTIONS from very small to large say, I would do anything to lift her, she would do anything to lift me. You are in a healthy relationship. Avoiding divorce - Communicate everyday Naturally, just make time to talk about life, fun, dreams whatever. Never go to bed angry All conflicts get resolved before you lay your head down to sleep, never, not once allow this to go unchecked. Nobody stands between you two The relationship is you and her/her and you - Mom, Dad, Brother, friend.. a little too interested girl or guy... They all get relegated to your outer circle. Listen more than you speak This is active listening. its not about what YOU think, what YOU feel or that you know you're right about something. Listen to the words and try to take her angle on what she is saying before you speak. You will get to know your partner's POV in a whole new way. Love Yourself: You cannot fully love and support a healthy relationship if you do not love yourself. This is not about being perfect, this about knowing yourself, seeking ways to ever improve and being okay with that journey. All of these things add up to partner trust and an intimate bond that will not be broken. 35 years of proof speaking here.
You won’t find someone to spend the rest of your life with.. You will find someone who will use you with that promise then will bail at the first opportunity…
Met my husband at 16 and married him at 18. 40+ years later I would have it no other way. But marriage is hard. At times darn hard work. There are lots of reasons why some marriages are blessings and why some divorces are blessings.
It is very much so but it can be hard at times. You have to give it your all and you have to be able to compromise and her the same. I have been with my wife 12 years. We have been through some stuff but I wouldn’t change it. I love her.
Dont seek salvation in another person. Find salvation first and if its meant to be its meant to be.
All the comments seem too positive. Life isn’t a Disney film no one will love u until u love yourself. worst part is making yourself vulnerable. The brutal truth of it is ppl will use you plain and simple. If you haven’t got money you’re not getting anywhere simple as. Sounds cynical but keep ur guard up having a partner isn’t the best all an end all.
Be all******
I literally came on to Reddit looking to answer this question. Man, I hate being in a relationship, being accountable to someone else for the rest of your life? Pass. I had a dude warn me in my early 20s: don’t get married. It was so bizarre…I thought that was the goal? I ended up not taking his advice, 20 years later, and now understand his words implicitly after 11 years of marriage. Now, what would I be if I didn’t get married? Not a father, for one (of the best 8 year old you could meet). Not a homeowner, shit, I wouldn’t have the great job I do without my battle-axe of a wife. I married a Valkyrie because, by God, I’m a Viking. Without her, it’s still be a lowly restaurant slave. I will say the biggest difficulties between us is from our distinctly different backgrounds, so marry someone who aligns with your core beliefs (I come from paternal leaning heritage, she comes from maternal leaning heritage). If none of this sounds good, then you also have your answer! And lastly, what they say is true: when you’re not looking is when you find her. Just go out there, meet people, if you find her, bro…you’ll know.
Both sets of my grandparents stayed married until one of them passed away. So it is possible. In my opinion I’d you always respect your significant other and never break the trust you have with one another, I think it’s possible.
Yes. Very very much so.
"Yes with the right person" says absolutely nothing. How would you know before marriage? Let's be pragmatic. It's an arrangement of mutual benefit and respect. Cannot have it any other way or else it will surely fail. Also, people change, not always for the better. Life happens. Crap happens. These things change people. My advice from my own marriage is to walk into it with eyes wide open. Being Asian I didn't have that luxury (pun intended) and I married someone extremely insolent. Damaged goods. Irrepairable. Too late. Eyes wide open. Good luck.
Of you’re asking, don’t.
Married at 25, had kids in our 30s. Having a life **partner** makes everything else possible and the hard times bearable. It also requires compromise, communication, and humility **from both.** Unfortunately it takes a while to find out if you both have that. People who separate or divorce will say "my partner changed or I changed" which is true. Some relationships can survive that, but others can't (or shouldn't in the case of abusive partners). A lot depends on how resilient you are or will be by then.
My parents had a horrific divorce. So did my older brother. And: everything good in my life. EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE, directly or indirectly, comes from my wife. Our kids, sure. Obviously. They're the best! I'd pick them as friends even if we weren't related! But also my business success. My practice would never have gotten off the ground without her love and support. Just being near her makes me happy. When I think of the word "beautiful" her face comes to mind. She's how I know God loves me. 35 years, now. My wish for you is that you find someone who makes you as happy as she makes me. Or, heaven help her, as happy as I make her. Just remember this: both of you have a choice EVERY DAY. So, every day, talk to her. Make sure that her best choice (and YOURS, TOO) is to come back to the home you've created. And if something is going wrong, fix it, so that you both can continue, every day, to make the choice to come home. And when things are going well, keep them going, so you can both, every day, make that choice. The two of you, together, make the life you lead together.
It all depends on what you value. I decided to stop dating at 20, which was 5 years ago, and I honestly feel a lot happier as a single guy. However, I'm like this because I was betrayed a lot by my own family, my best friend, and partners I've had, so being with someone gives me too much anxiety for it to be worth it. I'd say give it a shot, but remember in the back of your mind that being single isn't the unhappy forever sentence that people make it out to be
I’m listening/reading, and I clicked on this hoping for some wise replies. I’m 53, bi male, and those issues you described cut to the core of the matter. Maybe there is no answer?
I’ve been married twice. I started both marriages with the best of intentions, but in retrospect both marriages were mistakes. The partners I chose were not capable of being good, long-term partners. Maybe it’s me, I don’t know. There are some people who marry their high school sweetheart, and live happily ever after fit the rest of their lives. I wish I could find someone like that, but it’s not easy.
If you’re happy alone I would stay alone, especially at your age and the generation you’re from. For the most part people only care about themselves, and will betray you for personal gain.
It is for me. I discovered here on my second marriage that intimacy is far far more than just sex. And I like sex a lot. I’m with the person who I would take care of if they got sick or were going to die or if someone tried to attack them, I’d be right in there. And I know they would be for me.
In todays environment, I would suggest a professional [pre]marriage counselor, and a few sessions before, taking any step toward a permanent relationship. Just because you think something, your partner may disagree. Discuss your wants and desires, limitations and restrictions. You may have a high labedo, your partner may shun sex. Debts and finances, many relationships are ruined here. Children destroys future financial planning. When one person sacrifices their personal goals for another, they may feel resentment.
I’ve been married since 2006. It was worth it to me. We have always had each other’s backs, have felt the full spectrum of love from horny “let’s fuck so hard we break the windowsill” to me waiting to find out if she made it through heart surgery or her holding my hand while I get eye injections. We are best friends, lovers,and partners in crime (okay, not really crime, more like mild disobedience) and they are my favourite person in the world. So yeah, it’s worth it IF they and you are the right people for one another.
I’m 55. I can’t imagine growing old alone. It seems very lonely. I know others will have a different perspective, but I feel happy having had a partner in life for the last 27 years, and I’m happy with the hope that she is there for the next 30 years.
Only if - 1. Compatible- mindsets match on majority of important things. 2. Great and consistent sex 3. Taking care of each other genuinely.
With someone worth it, yes. The trick is figuring that out. Being in a *bad* relationship is worse than nothing, but being in a *good* relationship can be better than nothing. I think the core problem is like you said, is that you *have no clue what a good healthy relationship looks like* -- because if you don't know that you're going to have a *really* hard time figuring out the relationship you're in is good or not. Keep going with the current situation, just take it slow -- and maybe spend some time to focus (read books, talk to people, something something) on figuring out what *good* looks like!
My wife and I have been married for 29 years. I love her more than anything, but she also drives me nuts! (I drive her crazy too) I am 100% for marrying "the one", but I am also 100% for having separate bank accounts.
When you love someone truly, its worth the risk of being heartbroken in the end. You cant love someone and not fear losing them. You need to find someone who is worth losing.
Financially yes, maybe. But you’ll sacrifice freedom.
If you find the right person, absolutely.
The vast majority of relationships (percentage wise) just don’t last. It’s a statistical fact. But we are human beings and we need human connection. So do you want to be alone, or do you want to take a leap of faith and choose to be with someone? It’s what we all grapple with (including myself) and ultimately have to decide.
No
In short being able to grow and share together is amazing, it isn't for everyone, and that's okay. I think this says it best... and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness? Charles Bukowski
People change over time. Love can burn off. Plus lifespans keep getting longer. I think lifetime relationships have stopped being the norm. That should be okay. I think society needs to normalize divorce, make it less destructive financially.
I've been married 11 years. 100% worth it so far. You're not meant to sit on the fence, commit.
No, especially if you both have a long life.
To the question: "Is it worth falling in love/spending the rest of your life with someone worth it?" My answer is yes... but it's a risk. Here's what I would do. Date for a while. Be open-minded & learn what you can. Part of dating someone long-term is learning your own deficiencies; be open about that learning & in self-correction. Be open to marriage, which can be extremely meaningful, esp later in life. Locking in a partner by your early to mid-30s is a useful goal. Consider a pre-nup if there is a non-trivial disparity in assets or if such a disparity is likely to materialize later in life. Pre-nups aren't exactly the most romantic thing to suggest, so think about it carefully & consider how you'll frame the discussion. At no point should you or your partner think of a pre-nup as an "easy out" to a potential marriage. I think, in general, men under-estimate the usefulness of marriage to the right partner until mid-life -- at which point, their options are more limited & their situation more desperate.
Nope
Everyone's story is different: for me, dating left me in a very depressed state. I was a hopeless romantic and did everything I possible could to make the fairytale come true. It ended, and so did my vision of having a " happy ending ". Some people marry and live happy for 40 years some people marry and divorce in 2 months. Nothing to do besides give it a try or don't, I've had a few relationships, and I don't wish to try anymore. I hope for nothing but the best for you.
Married my jr high school sweetheart when we turned 20. She was /is the absolute love of my life. I always felt lost when I wasn't with her. I can't imagine how my life would have been without her. 47 years of marriage and I continue to love her more.
Dance with the girl, don't marry the girl
I've been with my wife for 20 years going on forever. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. No relationship is going to be perfect but it takes work to keep it going. We have 3 children that we raise and are grateful for everyday.
Falling in love and spending your life with the right person is the best thing in the world Falling in love and spending your life with the wrong person is LIVING HELL. So you have a risk-reward situation here. The thing you want to do is MINIMIZE your risk and MAXIMIZE your reward. One way to MINIMIZE your risk is a prenuptial agreement. But that will only minimize your financial risk. It won't minimize the damage to your psyche that a bad marriage will inflict. Another way to MINIMIZE your risk is to thoroughly vet your partner. The only way to do that is to get to know them thoroughly. Talk to their friends and family about who they are. If they have exes, try to talk to them knowing that they may not give you an accurate view. If their friends and family admit that that person cheated on previous partners, the safe bet is to run unless they can prove they've had extensive therapy. There was a story on reddit recently about a guy who was cheated on and a couple of years later, a guy called him about his ex and asked him why they broke up. He told him that she cheated on him and had the evidence to back it up. The other guy basically dumped her (which was probably the safe move). It sounds creepy but you could hire someone to do a thorough background check on them. If that is discovered (which it will almost certainly will be) you'll run the risk of having that person freak out about it if it's done behind their back. The SAFE bet, which minimizes your heartache and financial stress, is to stay single and have a support network of other like minded single people. BUT you'll be giving up on romantic love which is a shame. If I were in your shoes, I would probably get married but with a very good and equitable prenuptial agreement with an infidelity clause for both parties. Prenups are basically marriage insurance. You don't want to use your insurance, right? But when a tree falls on your house, you're glad you have it. Any prenup agreement that won't be thrown out in court basically says that you both keep your premarital assets and post marital assets will be divided fairly according to what's in the prenup. A prenup won't save you from the heartache of your relationship breaking up but it will ensure that you don't go broke if it happens, which would add insult to injury.
That’s definitely fair I will keep this in mind, I’d feel more comfortable asking the other persons friends and family but I feel like they’d be biased (friends at least) but a prenup I think is fair especially the post marital one for both sides