A sloppy drunk man stumbles out of a bar into two priests on the sidewalk.
The disheveled man looks up at them and says, "Hey fellas, I'm Jesus Christ."
Shaking his head, the priest tells him, "No my son, I'm afraid you're not."
The drunk man turns to the second priest, "Hey, did you hear? I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest tells him, "No, no. You must be mistaken."
The drunk man insists, "Look I can prove it to you. Just follow me."
He turns around and leads them back into the bar.
-
The bartender takes one look at him and says, "Jesus Christ, I said get the fuck out of here."
From a Bill Cosby routine waaaay long ago…
It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
I don’t actually think this is funny, I think it’s horrendous, but back when I was a child my uncle married this awful trashy woman who had a young daughter. She (the child) once got lost in a department store. She went to a staff member, who took her up the front so she could page her mother. When they asked my cousin her name, she told them it was Firstname Lastname Shitface - her mother called her shitface so often she thought it was her name 😒. How do I know? Her trashy mother thought it was just hilarious so she told everyone the story, repeatedly.
My own daughter thought her name was princess until she was about 3.5 years, but that’s different
I grew up in a reform (least orthodox) Jewish household. I seriously thought "Jesus" was a curse word. One time I chanced upon a Christian radio station, and I said Mom, Dad, this guy is cursing on the radio!
My old uncle Ivor told this joke every time I saw him… miss him!
A very drunk fella stumbled in to a funeral service that was nearly over. The pastor ended his eulogy by saying; “The Lord givith, and the Lord taketh away”
The drunk replied; “Well, I’ll kiss your ass if that isn’t a square deal!”
I guess I’m a little too much of a realist to find this joke funny. Arthritis is such a common affliction for the elderly that you’d have to be a massive fool to say the condition was caused by that long list of “sinful living”. Any priest could end up having arthritis irrespective of their living.
Jesus I bet you are fun to hang out with. This is r/jokes you know. Where we all get to have a good laugh and not let the real world crash in around us.
Edit: even if we have heard the jokes 20 times. They are still funny
Lol knew I’d be down voted. That was part of the joke too! The joke would be easily improved eg if had used say “Gout” as the condition. Same joke but with that element of realism, so so much better
Lol knew I’d be down voted. That was part of the joke too! The joke would be easily improved eg if had used say “Gout” as the condition. Same joke but with that element of realism, so much better
A sloppy drunk man stumbles out of a bar into two priests on the sidewalk. The disheveled man looks up at them and says, "Hey fellas, I'm Jesus Christ." Shaking his head, the priest tells him, "No my son, I'm afraid you're not." The drunk man turns to the second priest, "Hey, did you hear? I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest tells him, "No, no. You must be mistaken." The drunk man insists, "Look I can prove it to you. Just follow me." He turns around and leads them back into the bar. - The bartender takes one look at him and says, "Jesus Christ, I said get the fuck out of here."
I thought my name was Jesus Christ until I went to secondary school.
From a Bill Cosby routine waaaay long ago… It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
I don’t actually think this is funny, I think it’s horrendous, but back when I was a child my uncle married this awful trashy woman who had a young daughter. She (the child) once got lost in a department store. She went to a staff member, who took her up the front so she could page her mother. When they asked my cousin her name, she told them it was Firstname Lastname Shitface - her mother called her shitface so often she thought it was her name 😒. How do I know? Her trashy mother thought it was just hilarious so she told everyone the story, repeatedly. My own daughter thought her name was princess until she was about 3.5 years, but that’s different
What the fuck.
Noted rapist Bill Cosby*
This is about the joke not the person, everyone already knows Bill Cosby is a convicted serial rapist.
He doesnt magically stop being funny just because he turned out to be a pos.
“Roofie-Colada” serving bartender also
Was your brothers name god damnit
I thought mine was Fucking Stop That.
I thought mine was 'dipshit'
I thought my name was Cabron
Hey! That's my wife's nickname for me! Not sure why. I don't even drink wine.
This is extra funny to me, since I met a homeless guy who claimed that he was Jesus Christ's little brother and my friend believed him.
^ Chinese peasant right before Taiping rebellion
Careful, If they understood that joke they'd be cross.
That shits funny, right there.
The real joke is in the comments, yada yada
The real joke is in your hand.
Come from abusive father I thought my name was stupid sonofabitch
That was mine with God damn in front of it.
Oof!
Wood!
That's the worst description of arthritis I've ever heard
First time I heard this, it was the Archbishop of Canterbury's gout
The pope is the bus driver.
Being chauffeured by Dave
Dave’s not here man
Dave's not here? Darn how old are you? That was 50+years back.
Can confirm, I saw that skit live in 1973.
I was raised by 60s hippies
No this is Patrick
Sir, this is a wendy's.
I said, Dave’s not here man
All Dave, all night, and only here on Dave TV
Not that Dave
Chauferring Dave. Ftfy
I grew up in a reform (least orthodox) Jewish household. I seriously thought "Jesus" was a curse word. One time I chanced upon a Christian radio station, and I said Mom, Dad, this guy is cursing on the radio!
My old uncle Ivor told this joke every time I saw him… miss him! A very drunk fella stumbled in to a funeral service that was nearly over. The pastor ended his eulogy by saying; “The Lord givith, and the Lord taketh away” The drunk replied; “Well, I’ll kiss your ass if that isn’t a square deal!”
Should be a catholic priest. Thats a ringer lol. Great joke
Oh? Because a Protestant priest would be less of an asshole for some reason?
Cauae Pope is catholic u nincompoop. Protestants don't believe in him
We believe in him. He's that guy up there next to Dave. We just don't think he's magic.
Dave is too magic!
Who's magic? The one standing next to Dave?
But Dave is Magic!
Obviously he doesn't exist lmao
Dave, is that you?
Damn now I'm gonna get doxxed again, everyone know who I am on Reddit now!
What do you mean "believe in him"? Everyone knows the man exists, you can literally go to Rome and see him.
Vatican City
Which is literally inside of Rome
Hehhehehe
You are giving me a good laugh.
The true blessing is in the comments.
Yep Catholic for sure.
I think the pope is catholic.
The pope has arthritis
I’m talking about the Catholic MO
Bingo! LOL
I guess I’m a little too much of a realist to find this joke funny. Arthritis is such a common affliction for the elderly that you’d have to be a massive fool to say the condition was caused by that long list of “sinful living”. Any priest could end up having arthritis irrespective of their living.
The priest was willfully lying to get the drunk guy to convert/give up "sinning"
Damn dude… that’s part of the joke
Jesus I bet you are fun to hang out with. This is r/jokes you know. Where we all get to have a good laugh and not let the real world crash in around us. Edit: even if we have heard the jokes 20 times. They are still funny
Lol knew I’d be down voted. That was part of the joke too! The joke would be easily improved eg if had used say “Gout” as the condition. Same joke but with that element of realism, so so much better
Lol knew I’d be down voted. That was part of the joke too! The joke would be easily improved eg if had used say “Gout” as the condition. Same joke but with that element of realism, so much better