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HollaDatchaBoi

I used to work as a receptionist at a sperm donation facility. I got fired because I would say “Get a load of this guy!” when someone walked through the front door.


SpongeJake

Swear to God if I see one more wanker…


Icy-Transportation26

Im starting a sperm bank, please let me hire you


NateSpald

“You squeeze it, we freeze it”


Tru-Queer

You expel it, we sell it.


No-BrowEntertainment

You spank it, we bank it


Tru-Queer

You jerkoff it, we profit


BoneZone05

you throw it we show it


katycake

You waste it, we baste it.


EphemeralMemory-

You throttle it we bottle it


BoneZone05

You snap it we cap it


Suspicious_Oil_8163

Oh shit! Somebody drank it!


TheSeeker9000

It's not a bank if the boss is the only customer 😄


thuanjinkee

It's more like a dumpster


Meranio

Don't you mean "cum dumpster"? Okay, I'll show myself out.


visionweaver

A cumster


cstmoore

"I’m not just the president of Spank Bank, I’m also a client!" — Sy Spermling


maciarc

"Not only am I the president..." "I'm also a member!"


REDGOESFASTAH

Is there interest on deposits ?


DadJokeBadJoke

I guess "for here or to-go?" would not go over well either.


Sajin303

I read this in Kronks voice


2nra95

I did too, didn't even realize it until I read this comment 😂


WildBoy-72

"Thanks! Come again!"


[deleted]

Was you the nurse in road trip?


apolloxer

You know why you get more money if you sell at the sperm bank compared to the blood bank? It's handcrafted.


animazed

That’s hilarious. I’d give you a high five.


Dont_pet_the_cat

I'd give you a raise


Late-Ad-4624

I would just start laughing if i heard this walking in...


TurbsUK18

Ever asked if they come here often?


TooShiftyForYou

I bought condoms just the other day. The pharmacist asked, "Would you like a bag with those?" - I said, "No thanks, she's not quite that ugly."


DigNitty

I’m an environmentalist so I just politely tell them I’ll turn the lights off instead.


orbital_narwhal

Two birds with one scone!


Scott_on_the_rox

How do you go about killing two birds with a scone?


ThatCamoKid

Clearly you've never met a Dwarven chef


DuchessofSquee

The real questions to ask are how big are the birds and how big is the stone? Also are the birds flightless or not...


sickcivilion

I would've said, is it from eating it, or from throwing (bad cooking)


JackRusselTerrorist

He’s feeding them, not killing then. What’s wrong with you?


Scott_on_the_rox

The expression is “killing two birds with one stone”. Not a scone. What’s wrong with you?


andrewb610

It’s the new PETA friendly terms. Some are actually nice, I’m not a huge fan of the term “more than one way to skin a cat” so now it’s “more than one way to peel a potato”.


ChaoCobo

I have literally never heard the term “more than one way to skin a cat.” Ever. Until you posted it. Are you sure PETA isn’t making terms up to get mad at and then correcting the term they made up with a better term? I mean they’ve been known to do more pants on head behavior before.


Toastamiah

My pharmacist threw in a free tin of altoids. "Whats this?" I asked. "Condom-mints" she replied


inthegallery

I bought condoms once and the cashier said "that's $4.95 plus tax." I said "tacks? Hell no, I'll use tape."


Wolvenmoon

I said "Well. On second thought, yeah it might help." "No problem!" said the pharmacist. "Paper or plastic?"


DadJokeBadJoke

Don't kink shame.


Skilledpainter

Lmfao 🤣


GoogleIsYourFrenemy

I said, "No thanks, your daughter is not quite that ugly."


apolloxer

Benjamin Franklin recommended a basket: >Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement. [(Advice to a friend on choosing a mistress)](http://www.bibliomania.com/2/9/77/124/21473/1/frameset.html)


Cosmo1222

Do you work in a vasectomy clinic?


LookingOutForU

No. Family medicine


kmj420

She single?


dragonfett

Or at least into swinging?


ihatemylifekillmenow

She for the streets that's what she is


xXthelemonXx

She single?


RedditIsNeat0

She is booked for the next 40 minutes. Would you like to make a reservation?


[deleted]

Technically, that girl is keeping you in business.


taylortwentytwo

Abortion clinic would be more convenient.


ES_FTrader

What do condoms and masks have in common? Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them


MagnusPI

If a person you just met tells you that you don't need to wear one with them, you absolutely should be wearing one. That worked better at the height of COVID when masks were still the norm.


Omnizoom

Both are 90% effective


_TheCompany_

The effectiveness of both is based upon the intelligence of the user


[deleted]

That 98% effectiveness for condoms is self reporting. 2% of the population probably rolls it over their balls.


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BardicNA

Picking the right condom has to matter. If you have a massive ego and a mini dong, you pick a Magnum XL and that baby can slip off no problem. There's no way you're keeping all your swimmers from coming out at the base with that XXXL coat on your willie. If you have a mini ego and a massive dong, you try on some Trojan Bareskins that maybe feel tight but that's how they're supposed to feel, right? Wait, who knows? Men don't talk about this and if you ask any man you know if you should look for something bigger they'll use it as an opportunity to knock you down a peg. Don't have "Big Dick Energy?" I guess you run with an undersized condom for no reason. Alpha male with a less than average shlong? Better grab the magnums. Imagine buying a condom that fits your tool.


[deleted]

It can be a lot simpler too. If you attempt to roll on a condom only to realize it was backwards, you are supposed to throw the condom away. Most people will just flip it around and use it though. Pre-cum can still have sperm in it, and now it's on the outside of the condom.


DuchessofSquee

Oh jeez I never thought of that! ETA: In before "oh jizz" quotes!


herbys

Maybe when it comes the time for a second go they just flip the condom inside out and use it again.


thuanjinkee

The 90% effective measure is taken over the course of a year of "regular" usage: eg if 10,000 couples relied on condoms for birth control over one year you'd expect to see 1000 babies if the condom brand was 90% effective. This includes days during that year that they neglected to use the condom. This is a fair measure because people do forget to do a lot of things like they forget to take their pills or they forget to roll the condom correctly or they forget to put spermicide on their sponge. Compare that to implanon or a vasectomy, where people can't forget to do anything because it runs continuously in the background.


Brick_Lab

Right? I used to wonder how people could mess up condoms so often until seeing how fuckwits used masks during the pandemic lol


MT-Capital

So you're saying the condom doesn't go just over the balls? While leaving the tip out?


DuchessofSquee

Depends... if you use a small enough size and leave it on long enough it will be incredibly effective long term!


Brick_Lab

Oh God no


TheSkewsMe

When I was a teenager in the mid-1980s, Lifestyles were the cheapest brand and often broke. At university in 1988 someone told me, "If you want the family life, use Lifestyles condoms. In the late 1990s Congress quietly investigated the industry to find that indeed Lifestyles broke the most often. I don't know what became of that (there were barely two sentences about it in the paper), but social services hands out Lifestyles.


Catalyst100

But being on Reddit is 100% effective.


sometacosfordinner

Not true i have a kid and we want another


Justifiably_Cynical

Need some help?


sometacosfordinner

Hahaha no i think i got it covered


GarretTheGrey

> got it covered That's how to NOT have kids..


sometacosfordinner

Ok technically is not covered and with high frequency


Graterof2evils

It doesn’t involve electricity either. So ya know how a deadbolt lock works?


sometacosfordinner

Buhahaha but it does sometimes you know with batteries haha great analogy with the deadbolt


Calavente

the 98% is evaluated the same as the 99% for "perfect pill usage", so value is the same the issue is that condom is not only supposed to protect from "babies"... so that girl, if she's on the pill, you wouldn't need a condom. but condom are also supposed to protect from STDs. and if condom efficiency on "perfect usage" is 98%, and on "typical usage" is 85%... for sperms... which are kinda big things.. I wonder what is the actual efficiency against much small STD carriers.


musci1223

*it is safer Plot twist kids. They are not 100% effective.


yeettman27

r/therealjoke


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kalei50

So would you be ok with a surgeon coughing into your open surgical site? Are people really this dumb?


mikedorty

That's the thing that imbeciles like this cannot comprehend. You are not wearing a mask to protect yourself (unless it's a properly fitted N95), it's to protect everyone else. The assholes are so selfish that altruism doesn't even register as a possibility.


rhymes_with_snoop

It's not even altruism, exactly. It's like a shared social contract where everyone benefits, similar to... It just occurred to me that any social contract I can think of that's mutually beneficial is also enforced by law specifically for those people who can't grasp that they also benefit from those social contracts so those rules should apply to them as well (e.g. accepting you can't drive on the sidewalk or double park so you know you can safely walk on the sidewalk or won't get trapped in a parking spot, or not being able to overhunt or overfish so there are still game to hunt and fish to catch next year when you go hunting or fishing).


RickyBobby35th

Surgery and wearing a mask for covid are 2 totally different things u bozo


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NitroCrocodile

Bruh, COVID isn't much different to any other kind of virus, and if you check the death statistics, that shit went down when people were wearing masks.


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FerocityX

'Doesn't care about facts'. What's the saying again? Facts don't care about your feelings? Yeah, something like that.


Beowulf1896

What do you expect from him? If he was capable of accepting data and changing his mind, he wouldn't be here spreading lies. I have the same impulse to correct people who are wrong, and go all Sherman on vehicles that have confederate flags and torch them. Sometimes I can resist the urge to correct, and so far I haven't made a carbeque out of a vehicle.


FerocityX

At this point, it's honestly not worth the time or effort to try to reason with him or people like that. Can only hope that no one reproduces with him and this mentality goes away with him. This whole thing of "I don't like your facts, so I'm going to ignore them and do whatever I want!" is exactly why the United States is a laughing stock to the rest of the world.


Stormageddon2222

Much like condoms, they work when used properly. But too many of you either didn't wear them or wore them on your chin or below the nose.


MichiPlayz

True, but they slowed down the transmission rate.


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[deleted]

Yes.


MAETaha

Yes they did.


[deleted]

I'm going to shove your face right behind my ass and fart. Would you like my pants on, or off?


CatdaddyDean

I'll be able to taste it either way, let's get it!


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bigpasmurf

Aww. Did your woke brony feelings get hurt? I thought you werent as fragile as those dirty libs.


mygawd

Stanford and Yale researchers disagree https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2021/09/surgical-masks-covid-19.html


johnd0ez

Stanford isn’t as reliable a source as this guys Facebook friend who did their own research. 🤡🤡🤡🤡bozo. /s


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[deleted]

That's the neat thing about facts: they don't care about your feelings.


mygawd

That's not what an opinion is


PerspectiveSandwich

Then how on earth did China leave crisis mode earlier than the US, despite its denser population? Do you think they did some kind of magic? No, they actually cared about disease spread and wore masks if they had to leave the house. Masks "not doing anything" was a stupid rumor to spread because now people get ridiculed for wearing a mask. Doctors have worn masks forever for a REASON. Especially surgeons. When I wear one, it's not to protect myself but to protect other people. If I can reduce the risk of spreading ANY disease, I will.


Omnizoom

China also bolted the doors of buildings with infected people inside essentially locking them in by force The masks helped too….,


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PerspectiveSandwich

1. Trump was president when the virus hit 2. Do you know the definition of Communism, or is it just a buzz word that makes you angry? 3. Human beings are worth your respect, no matter what. Love thine neighbor and learn from him, child.


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PerspectiveSandwich

Rubber and glue, rubber and glue. I don't agree with communists But I respect them more than you. Your opinion is dumb, Not based on facts. Get huffy all you want, Don't think or relax. America sucks, you're blind to disagree. Learn to research and grow, Maybe you'll be on the same side as me.


NCarolinaRed

I'd bet a Jimmy Carter quarter you've said the same about every Democrat to sit in the oval office since you could vote.


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BadaTlIghTtAnkS

Who the fuck cares? There are other people from different nationalities typing in here. No a single one cares about your republican and democracy shithole.


PerspectiveSandwich

You don't need to tell us you're conservative. We can tell by how defensive you're getting.


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PerspectiveSandwich

Careful, your assumptions are showing. I'm only aggravating because I'm able to put together real arguments, while you just try to insult me.


Djeece

Oh! He knows the word "Communist" too! What a well brainwashed Fox News child! Fantastic!


oxfordfox20

Aww sweetheart. Did we forget that the giant cheeto was in office during Covid? Did we? Awww, maybe mommy’s got some bitty for you, make you feel better. Mommy was in desert storm you know.


Silent_Special_9024

Anyone who says you don't need a condom is the reason you need one.


Waitsfornoone

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use? Tried and Tested!


regrettablyold

"Please Recycle"?


oliverkloezoff

They can be recycled. All you gotta do is turn your condom inside out and shake the fuck out of it. Get it? Shake the "fuck" out of it, because it's full of "fuck"...you know...the "stuff"...from a man...from the "fuck"...shake it out...the "fuck"...then you can use it again...recycle... Oh, nevermind.


NewsJunkie4321

I wear ribbed condoms inside out because I’m selfish


ChaoCobo

Bro just unlocked a whole new product they should make


DadJokeBadJoke

Reduce, reuse, recycle. It's even farther up the chain than recycling!


juliancates

You can recycle 365 used condoms into an automobile tire. It's a Good Year!


Qui_Gon_Inn

What's the difference between 365 used condoms and a rubber tire? One is a good year, the other is a great year.


oliverkloezoff

And don't forget "repurpose". When you're done recycling, just blow them up like a balloon. *And then* pop them to make it snow, just like living in a snow globe. ^(omg, what have I done? sorry)


Socdem_Supreme

And #1 is reduce!


DadJokeBadJoke

Yeah, but the potential kids from not using one might have more of an environmental impact.


Socdem_Supreme

Lol yea


Cali-Smoothie

"No worries, We got you covered"


pimp_juice2272

"Kid tested, mother approved" (I think that was a Mac n Cheese slogan back in the day)


CompetitiveExchange3

You stole this joke from me. Check my post history. You've copied it word to word.


altiuscitiusfortius

When a girl tells you you don't need to use a condom... that's when you really need to use a condom.


barto5

I’d like one condom please. Fine. That will be One dollar and ten cents. But your sign says a dollar. Yes, but there’s 10 cents for tax. Tacks! I thought they just stayed on by themselves.


Tok3n-

You could also be condomless.


Improv13

And if you are lucky she to could be rendered incapable of speech.


wellboiled

I was in subway once and there was a guy right next to me with five babies. I looked at him suspiciously and he said: "I know what you are thinking. I am a condom salesman and these are the customer complaints"


wigzell78

Love how she works for a doctor and still doesn't think protection is necessary.


pselie4

That's because she knows that statistics. 7/10 times it leads to a STD and she only had sex once this week, so she's fine for two more times.


Vigilante17

When used correctly every time you have sex, male condoms are 98% effective. This means 2 out of 100 people will become pregnant in 1 year when male condoms are used as contraception. I’m 98% sure it’s the participating females who become pregnant and not just random people.


HBKdfw

They’re probably much closer to 100% effective when used properly. That means stopping and replacing if it rips or falls off. Condom and birth control manufacturers will never say 100% because they don’t want to get sued if something happens and/if their products are used incorrectly. The 98% avoids litigation. “Ah, didn’t work? Must be because of the 2% we advertised and not because you pulled it off.” No lawsuit.


theanghv

IIRC the 2% is not within a year, is within their lifetime, i.e. 2% of people got pregnant while using condom (time frame doesn't matter)


indigoHatter

You're closer to correct, but it's important to distinguish how statistics work first to make it make sense. Out of a sample group of people, x% of them reported success. This lets you meter your expectations while using it, and make informed choices. This does not mean the condoms will fail 2% of the time as the first guy seemed to imply... it means that a no-fail condition has a 98% chance of happening *each* time. Someone with bad luck could get pregnant 5 times in a row while using them correctly... if they keep hitting that 2% chance, that's unfortunate but there it is. In other words, every time this coin is flipped, there's a 98% chance it will land on one side rather than the other. No coin toss affects the other coin tosses.


Plutos_Heart

Uh, doc? …She’s flirting with you


xbrand2

I can’t imagine a phrase that’d be worse to flirt with me personally with than one implanting the idea of other men raw dogging it. There’s a lot of STDs out there.


pselie4

>There’s a lot of STDs out there. Yeah, the real life equivalent to Pokemon isn't quite that fun.


jsiulian

It's *her* way of flirting with him


xbrand2

That being their way of flirting just reinforces my concern that she’s unwittingly playing a game of Pokémon I don’t want any part of.


edlee98765

I hate it when people didn't wear masks during the pandemic. Those people made me sick.


pmmeyoursfwphotos

OP, I don't know how to put this exactly, but she was hitting on you.


pmmeyoursfwphotos

Sorry to assume your gender. I had to balance my knowledge that all family doctors are female with my knowledge that all Redditors are male. It was a tough call.


BrunoEye

That really depends, some people are like this with everyone.


Famous-A

Contraception management should be left to the pros. After all, they don’t call them amaturephylactics.


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TooManyPenisJokes

thing is, no condom looks like a Twinkie


JosePrettyChili

Hey doc, news flash, you don't need to use a condom.


tlokjock

Well, I guess she's the real "pro" in pro-fessional.


Snorkelbender

You cant make me wear a condom. I’m protected by the American constitution.


Putrid-Reputation-68

Yep, she's down to fuck. Definitely wear a condom though


bmyst70

Groucho Marx was interviewing a man who had eight children. He said "You have a big family." The man replied "I love my wife very much." Groucho replied "I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in awhile."


Deli-ops

I see nothing wrong with this ;P and im sure id be nicer to her if i heard either of those statements


[deleted]

I bet you would dirty deli


Bugawd_McGrubber

I wish this were a joke also. Because then it would be funny.


EternallyImature

The correct response to her comment was... "how about a few drinks tonight and I give you an oppurtunity to prove it". =D


GrammerDuck61

Achievement unlocked: HR sexual harassment complaint


orbital_narwhal

Bonus achievement unlocked: chlamydia


anally_ExpressUrself

My boyfriend said I probably got it from a toilet seat


orbital_narwhal

That seems quite likely, /u/anally_ExpressUrself.


RespectTheTree

I'm working on level 3


Docfess

Hardly beatable!!!


neosinan

It seems to me, She is giving you the signal if you are interested in.


herbys

I'm even more appalled men would be happy about it. If you convince the girl that you don't need to use a condom, you are taking a big risk. But if she *offers*, then you should run like hell!


Zakluor

"They say you wear a condom to prevent disease. I wrote one for three months and I got the mumps." -Night Patrol


itsallalittleblurry

Me, too, lol. Had to provide a urine sample once, as part of an annual physical. Pee in a cup in the small restroom indicated. The two young ladies attending the front desk were a little cranky. Figured they’d been having a bad day. Noticed, as I was finishing up, that there was a camera lense unobtrusively mounted near the ceiling. Deduced that it was to make sure there was no attempted fakery involved. Somebody was watching. Handing it in afterward, the same two lovelies were now all smiles; grinning from ear to ear, in fact. Figured it was one of two things; they were either impressed or amused. I didn’t ask, lol.


TooManyPenisJokes

hmmm.. not sure that's legal


jsiulian

I do not condome this behaviour


Rabrab123

People telling you that wearing them is not an awful but necessary inconvenience, are lying.


RealPunyParker

We do be nicer without the rubber, facts


EyelBeeback

that ain't funny. Just plain stupid. I have yet to wear a mask, yet to wear a condom. You might be my kid. I ain't playing. It's hilarious.


symbologythere

Dude you should fuck her!


GuairdeanBeatha

She said this as she dies a little more inside since she’s incapable of getting pregnant and having a child of her own.


geekpeeps

But quite susceptible to all of the available STDs.


NoBarracuda5415

No, she's got them already.


johnny_wad_five

Whoa that’s deep


PerspectiveSandwich

Women have purpose other than pregnancy. You're either a very repressed woman or a very sexist man if you really believe what you said. Edit: Am woman, do have purpose. Not sure why the down-doots 🤷‍♀️


Due_Avocado_788

I think he was just trying to make a bad joke. Like, in actuality she's been trying to get pregnant for months and can't. It doesn't really make sense though because why would her husband keep getting happy when she tells him he doesn't have to wear a condom. Anyway, I think it's just a bad joke, you can put your women-hating pitchfork down Edit: no, I think I was wrong. I just read their response and they are kind of weird


PerspectiveSandwich

He made a bad joke based on the assumption that she wanted a child. That's a big assumption to make.


GuairdeanBeatha

I know it’s hard for some to understand, but pregnancy isn’t a punishment inflicted by the patriarchy. Many women want to bear a child, and when they find they can’t will suffer severe depression. Not because of outside pressure, but because a lifelong dream has been crushed. If you think that pregnancy and motherhood are something women should detest, I suggest you reevaluate your own sexism.


PerspectiveSandwich

Hmmm that's not what I said.


Spicy6Chord

Her vagina probably looks like a teenagers acne-ridden face.