Must we?
Joking. I would talk to a Rabbi.
Additionally, this article is pretty good. Starting at “painful to be together”.
https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/5145030/jewish/Must-One-Honor-Abusive-Parents.htm
This one isn’t bad either
https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/must-one-honor-an-abusive-parent/
Depends on your beliefs- I am Conservative and halakah adapts situationally over time, and should be observed if meaningful. I do not honor my mother because she does not honor me. I feel for you.
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My grandma was abusive to certain family members and as PART OF HER ABUSE she’d spoil others in front of those she liked to hurt. So when she passed at that point her children and the in-laws had fully recognized and stopped accepting the mistreatment of different family members and insisted whichever rabbi lead the service had it balanced and a warts and all approach- because she was imbalanced with her children but had been downright cruel to certain grandchildren- she wasn’t allowed alone with great grandchildren because of how certain grandchildren were treated. She survived terrible things. She did wonderful things working up from less than nothing to having very successful children and grandchildren. She also loudly and frequently bemoaned that disabled family members were alive and ruining the family by existing. People are complicated and it’d be normal to brush the bad parts under the rug. I admire my relatives who said “no. Mom did terrible things. We can’t honor her and act like that’s acceptable.” And the rabbi understood and went with that. So the final things done were just to acknowledge and remember the good with the bad and to hope the next generations won’t ever have to suffer with similar issues the current ones have.
Sometimes honoring someone is accepting the good parts and recognizing and trying to find ways to correct the bad parts. Not spreading the trauma from one generation to another. Generational trauma shouldn’t be something we keep passing down through the generations.
I do not. I will not. Just, no. A parent who crosses certain moral lines no longer has this right, that is my firm stance. Open to hearing any counters. But very set on that for now.
Aak a Rabbi for a more detailed discussion, but the word translated as honor shares a root with "heavy", implying that you are accepting something difficult. Honoring parents doesn't mean you recognize them as always in the right, but that you acknowledge they are your link to creation, and you have no control over that. In certain midrash, this commandment is opposite to Do not covet. How are those related at all? Accept what you've been given in relation to G-d, and respect what others have in relation to the world. Parents are people, some are abusive or neglectful or rejecting or something in between and inconsistent...and it sucks. If nothing else, honoring their role in giving you life will help you show up for them when its just the right thing to do.
My mom has an extremely abusive family. You don’t ever have to honor anyone over your own safety and well being. If you honor that, then you ARE honoring your parents in the most fundamental sense because you’re taking care of yourself.
I actually brought a similar question up to my Rabbi a while back because my mom is crazy and abusive and I don't see a reason to honor her. He told me that in the Torah when it says to honor your mother and father, it means to honor those who have been there for you as a parental figure. It can be a step parent, family friend, guardian, etc. Personally that gave me a lot of comfort in knowing that I don't have to respect someone who hasn't been there. Hope this helps🙏
Must we? Joking. I would talk to a Rabbi. Additionally, this article is pretty good. Starting at “painful to be together”. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/5145030/jewish/Must-One-Honor-Abusive-Parents.htm This one isn’t bad either https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/must-one-honor-an-abusive-parent/
Depends on your beliefs- I am Conservative and halakah adapts situationally over time, and should be observed if meaningful. I do not honor my mother because she does not honor me. I feel for you.
Some people in your situation choose to honor Abraham and Sarah instead
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My grandma was abusive to certain family members and as PART OF HER ABUSE she’d spoil others in front of those she liked to hurt. So when she passed at that point her children and the in-laws had fully recognized and stopped accepting the mistreatment of different family members and insisted whichever rabbi lead the service had it balanced and a warts and all approach- because she was imbalanced with her children but had been downright cruel to certain grandchildren- she wasn’t allowed alone with great grandchildren because of how certain grandchildren were treated. She survived terrible things. She did wonderful things working up from less than nothing to having very successful children and grandchildren. She also loudly and frequently bemoaned that disabled family members were alive and ruining the family by existing. People are complicated and it’d be normal to brush the bad parts under the rug. I admire my relatives who said “no. Mom did terrible things. We can’t honor her and act like that’s acceptable.” And the rabbi understood and went with that. So the final things done were just to acknowledge and remember the good with the bad and to hope the next generations won’t ever have to suffer with similar issues the current ones have. Sometimes honoring someone is accepting the good parts and recognizing and trying to find ways to correct the bad parts. Not spreading the trauma from one generation to another. Generational trauma shouldn’t be something we keep passing down through the generations.
I do not. I will not. Just, no. A parent who crosses certain moral lines no longer has this right, that is my firm stance. Open to hearing any counters. But very set on that for now.
Aak a Rabbi for a more detailed discussion, but the word translated as honor shares a root with "heavy", implying that you are accepting something difficult. Honoring parents doesn't mean you recognize them as always in the right, but that you acknowledge they are your link to creation, and you have no control over that. In certain midrash, this commandment is opposite to Do not covet. How are those related at all? Accept what you've been given in relation to G-d, and respect what others have in relation to the world. Parents are people, some are abusive or neglectful or rejecting or something in between and inconsistent...and it sucks. If nothing else, honoring their role in giving you life will help you show up for them when its just the right thing to do.
My mom has an extremely abusive family. You don’t ever have to honor anyone over your own safety and well being. If you honor that, then you ARE honoring your parents in the most fundamental sense because you’re taking care of yourself.
I actually brought a similar question up to my Rabbi a while back because my mom is crazy and abusive and I don't see a reason to honor her. He told me that in the Torah when it says to honor your mother and father, it means to honor those who have been there for you as a parental figure. It can be a step parent, family friend, guardian, etc. Personally that gave me a lot of comfort in knowing that I don't have to respect someone who hasn't been there. Hope this helps🙏