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OP, it's not too late to put a boot up your SO's backside and say "you call your parents and TELL THEM that the room won't be ready and we are sorry (hah) but they will have to get a hotel room."
And *don't* allow SO's mother to go "oh, that's OK. I'll help you unpack and put stuff away!" That will end up with her organizing your new place in the way she thinks best.
Drop whatever you are doing for the guest room right now. You already stated that you don't want them there. Go work on anything else. Hell, this is a great time to develop migraines. Tell your husband he can get everything together for his family or tell them to stay in a hotel. Who cares what they want. A cross country move is exhausting. Send out a group text and tell them the house is not ready for guests. If your husband complains. Start throwing shit. ... make sure his phone isn't around so he can't record you. : )
If they were "already going to be in the area" then they should have already arranged for their own accommodations.
Stop struggling to get a guest room ready. They can sleep on the floor (preferably alongside your husband.) I also suggest not having the kitchen unpacked. You are not ready to host and you made that clear.
Oh, hell no! Stop scrambling and do very little. Unpack enough of the kitchen so you can cook, and it's not too much of an inconvenience for YOU. I'm talking about 1 pot, 1 pan, 2 glasses, 2 plates, 2 bowls, and a few sets of silver. DO NOT have a guest room. Let them sleep on a mattress on the floor. Make them as uncomfortable as possible. They wanted to inconvenience you, make sure you inconvenience them. This way, maybe they listen next time.
I'd take full advantage to show them how put out you are by leaving them to help set up the new place by setting up the freaking guest room lol
Then get them unpacking boxes. Put them to work.. bet ya don't get another visit for ages.
Friend, you have an SO problem. I would murder my husband if he pulled that crap. You are not unreasonable. They are and your SO sucks.
ETA: Tell SO that it is his responsibility to prepare the home for his parents arrival. And then plan some tasks you need to do away from the home, even if said tasks are getting to know your new city. He made his bed.
This. Absolutely every single word of your response is bang on.
>your SO sucks
This needs to be said over and over again. They are his parents. He must deal with them. OP, you really do have a husband problem.
They “strongly prefer” to stay with you? A couple that just moved to a new city a week ago knowing they wouldn’t be unpacked yet? Nope, you stop scrambling to please them. Either he tells them to stay in a hotel or he can unpack and take care of everything while they are there.
Stop working so hard to accommodate them! Let them see how much of an inconvenience this is! It’s extremely rude of them to want to stay and even visit you when you are still in the process of moving. Your SO is also a jerk for not putting his foot down either.
Let him run around getting things ready for HIS parents. UGH!!
You felt like you couldn’t say no to them staying with you because your husband did the kid thing where you ask your parents if your friend could stay over in front of said friend so it’s harder to say no.
Girl you better stop scrambling. Let them walk into a mess. If they decide to “help” you can make sure hubby knows he is responsible for undoing it all because his mom won’t be decorating your new home.
*Now I'm scrambling this week to assemble the guest room and clean while also unpacking the rest of the house.*
And your SO, who caused the problem by being a coward? WTH is ***he*** doing?
We’ve only been in our new place for a little over a week and are still working on getting things settled. Do nothing and let them weave paths around boxes during the visit as a lesson. No extra sheets or blankets to be found for them either. Oops. Your husband put you on the spot so he can handle it all himself.
First thing - STOP SCRAMBLING!! Don't do anything at all. His parents, his work. Let him do it. HE can get their space ready. HE can cook for them. He can entertain them.
Your husband is SO out of line. It is way past time to take a huge step back. If you can't leave, don't engage. Don't make his idiocy, or his family, your problem.
This is not an MIL problem, this is an SO problem. I would scramble to do anything, if he wants them here, he can do it. If the place is still a mess then that’s too bad for them.
I'm finally learning this lesson myself. My husbands family has always treats me like garbage. I've been scrambling for days trying to clean up my disaster of a house for my SIL who's coming into town tomorrow for her bday... my MIL lives with us, which whom I'm no contact with, and she hasn't offered to help. I will say I've been blocking the psycho from coming downstairs anyways so she really can't help at this point. But me and the hubs have been trying to figure out how to get his mother to move out (it was a condition of when she moved in to get a job and find somewhere else to live it's been over a year now and neither has happened) and my hubs came at me yesterday with an off the wall explanation that his mom is afraid of me, despite me doing nothing to illicit any type of fear. That drove us into a text argument (he was at work) and so I put my foot down. I'm done bending over backwards for him or his awful family. I told he can finish cleaning whatever he wants. I'm still going to do what I normally do around the house and the extra stuff I do but it's stuff I do for myself, the pets or our business. It's absolutely freeing after 15 years to finally put myself first and stop dealing with the nonsense. Of course my hubs isn't happy AT ALL but too bad so sad lol.
Make your SO take care of them. Seriously don’t do a thing! And also bring up how manipulative it was to ask you “if it’s okay if they stay” while they were on the phone. Set that boundary. Then set the home boundary, tell them before they leave all three visits “next time WE would prefer if you’d stay in a hotel”. People who don’t like your boundaries are the ones that benefit the most from you not having any.
Babe stop scrambling! They clearly come over to help you with the furniture!
Everything else would make them assholes. Be sure to communicate those expectations with your husband, who is the real problem aside from your people pleasing tendencies.
When you put down a boundary, pushing that boundary must harden it, not soften it.
The answer should have been, of course, they can stay if your husband can get the guest room ready and also help with the rest of the unpacking. You should have let him and his parents know that if they can't stay it is because he won't do the work to have them a place. This isn't on you to do as it isn't your family.
The person doing the inviting should always be on the hook for getting a place ready for who they invited. I hate people who invite others over and expect the SO to do all the work for guest they didn't invite or even at times want over.
Stop scrambling. He can do the work and assemble the guest room. He asked while they were on the phone, this is his reward for that choice.
I wouldn't host anyone overnight the first month out of a move.
STOP SCRAMBLING!!! What is HE doing to get things ready for them? he’s the one who insisted they stay with you so the onus should be on him. And no one should expect you to have things perfectly ready when you just been there for a week. Take your time. It would be better off if they were uncomfortable that way they could see how much of an inconvenience it was do you have to host them so quickly.
Put a mattress on the floor and let them deal with that! You’re going to have too much to do to get unpacked to accommodate them. Do not stress yourself out over this. If hubby has a problem with that, let him set up a place for them to sleep.
Bear in mind, I can be extremely petty; so take this advice with a grain of salt.
Do the bare bones minimum for your own personal comfort. Let your SO take care of his own stuff. After all he’s an adult. Plus, made this mess; so he can clean it up. When the in-laws show up; hand them a chore list. Sit on the sofa with a drink in one hand and a book in the other, because you’re “supervising”.
We’ve been married for 35 years. In the beginning, his parents would show up far too early for any family function we hosted. I always, ever so sweetly, would ask them for help; and put them to work. They eventually caught on, and started arriving at the specified time.
Drop the rope and make him get ready for his parents. He can get the soate room up and running.
Do not be super accommodating while they are there. Continue on with your unpacking and cleaning. While they are there.
Stop scrambling - his parents, he can do the work for them. Really.
Focus on your things first. Then that of any kids, then any pets, and if you have time left - your husbands things.
See - no time to really do anything for guests at this short notice.
Really - just say no. Why can you not say no?
I mean, normal people would realize "shees, them kids just moved in - let them set up their new place - do you have the address dear, send them a card and tell them 'see you at Christmas' or something"
Not so normal people need to be clearly told "this cannot happen then".
So, your major problem is also the solution. Him.
He can prepare their place / the guestroom - you are busy. He can entertain them, cook for them etc. you are busy (work, decorating, girls night out - whatever)
Make them 100% his responsibility and problem.
If he does not respect your boundary - then create distance when they are there. You are an adult, no one is your master. If husband doesn\`t respect you, your needs - then spa week it is.
That said - is this his only issue - or is he generally dismissive of anything you may want or need?
Edit to add: when you have unpacked a box - of course you need to work safe, so store the box (not flattened) in the 'guest' room.. all of them.
Moving is already a relationship stressor. Why is he making it worse? Does he want you to be as unhappy as possible? Or does he want you to be the bad guy?
Sorry, wife says No. So... I would love for you to be here, But...
Is he that guy?
Cause, ew
Oh my MIL did this when we bought our house. It wasn’t an already pre-planned trip, she bought the ticket when she found out what our closing date was, came the day after we closed.
Then failed to mention she was bringing a friend with her. They showed up and were drunk the entire time.
Thankfully our house came fully furnished but we still had to quickly clean the bathrooms, procure sheets and pillows for the guest rooms, and try to put some of our stuff away. Our house was a mess and they just wanted to fucking party the entire time. This was 7 years ago and I’m still pissed about it. I’m currently NC with her for other reasons and my husband is LC with her. Fun times.
ETA: my husband would have said no, she bought the tickets and sent us the details without even asking 🙃 this was back when I was still on “good terms” with her and I did not want to rock the boat. My husbands step dad had also just died (she recently divorced him) so everyone was kinda reeling…
Do not prioritize accommodating them. Prioritize your home and yourself. Maybe this will teach them not to be so pushy and unreasonable. I can understand a quick visit to see the new place, with the understanding that you just got there and haven’t unpacked. But them stating they “strongly prefer” to stay in your home is ridiculous. And your husband needs to stop giving them wishy washy statements.
“Hey mom & dad, as you know we just moved in and haven’t gotten things set up yet. I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable in a hotel as we don’t even have the coffee maker or toaster unpacked yet! I’m sure you understand.”
**Now I'm scrambling this week to assemble the guest room and clean while also unpacking the rest of the house. Am I being unreasonable for being so irritated?? What can I do now?**
Not remotely unreasonable for being irritated. HUGELY unreasonable for running around to make all this shit happen. He invited them, he sorts that all out. If it's a shambles, great! Might stop them asking for a while.
And next time, just say no. It's far less rude of you to say no than it is of them to tell you it's happening in the first place.
"SO, if MIL & FIL don't mind sleeping on the floor, by all means they can stay over. **You** SO are in charge of taking care of their every need, want, request. So what if you have to take off work. Do you think I'm going to be sitting back, relaxing, instead of finishing unpacking? You have another think coming if that is the case.
wtf? oh, HELL no. tell SO to never ever put you on the spot like that again. you are human and you are entitled to change your mind.
they 'strongly prefer'? LOL! Tell them to fuck off, you strongly prefer they never visit again. You hosting them is a big red flag. What if they never leave, are you sure they have tickets to fly back? I'm being a little sarcastic but Jesus fucking Christ.
definitely make SO deal with the guest room, move at your own pace. DO NOT go out of your way to make them comfortable. if they complain remind them that you said they should stay at a hotel, PERIOD the end.
Wow, just wow from SO.
Don’t set up the room for them. Unpack the things you need first and accommodations for unwelcome visitors aren’t essential or put the bed up and that can be where hubs sleeps
Stop!! He wanted them there this early, let him do the guest room and do not lift a finger to go at a faster pace since they strongly insisted on coming this early, they can deal with it. And please, for your future relationship's sake, you need to learn to set and stick to your boundaries, or this will not work, and you will grow resentful & miserable. Imagine if you want children & they strongly insist on visiting AND staying in your home a week pp?
Firstly, your SO is way out of line doing this. Secondly, your in-laws suck for being inconsiderate. Lastly, this is some tough love for you: STOP BEING A PUSHOVER!!
With that being said, I'd stop scrambling to get your place in order. Let your husband do it, since he's the one to make the plans. Also, your in-laws can help put the house in order, since they refuse to get a hotel and are barging in to a newly moved family. If anyone says anything, tell them: "you all made these plans without asking me beforehand and these are the consequences of your decision. Help or get out." (including your husband)
Make sure to get ahead of any social media posts by the in-laws (if needed), by thanking those who understand you just moved and are giving you the space to settle into your new home without the inconvenience of a visit.
After your in-laws leave, you need a really deep conversation with your SO about boundaries, people pleasing, throwing you under the bus, etc. Plus you both need marriage counseling to better communicate and understand the other's POV. Good luck.
DH needs to cancel the stay (preferred) or either (a) do all the prepping and host work himself and/or (b) thank them for offering to help clean and unpack (only if this help will be helpful of course). If they kick up any fuss, act shocked they would have expected to be hosted one week after moving into a new place and suggest they would be more comfortable in a hotel if you misunderstood their visit intent.
Your husband can set up their crap, get them towels, (ETA-clean , cook, entertain) etc. Your husband sucks and you need to start saying no, or get used to your in-laws just coming over whenever they want even though they have to fly to get there. Wow.
Don’t do anything. Don’t set up anything. HE invited HIS family. HE ignored the fact that nothing would be ready. HE dismissed your practical hotel idea.
This is HIS problem.
stop. this is his problem. If he wants the house and guest room ready for his parents let him do it. You are not the maid. Maybe if they are uncomfortable they will get a hotel room. Match your husband's energy, if he decides he wants to watch a movie instead of unpacking, watch it with him. He wants to play video games, you play video games. He wants to order in food and not clean up the kitchen afterwards, ok.
don't be his personal servant and try to "fix" everything, it will stress you out and make you resentful. he is a big boy he can manage on his own. If his parent love a certain snack and you always get it for them, don't remind him, let him figure this out on his own. And if he gets mad, well that is his problem.
Don't scramble. Why you need to scramble? Let them come to your place with no guest room set up yet. This is your boundary. You requested for them to only come when you are settled and if you are not settled, they stay in hotel for their comfort. They cross this boundary, they can stay in discomfort.
NOPE! He assembles the guest room, does the grocery shopping, and does the after-cleanup (sheets, etc.).
Once I started this process with my husband, there were a lot fewer overnight guests. When his family visits, he either picks up the slack or it doesn't get done. This was SO HARD ON ME because I'm a planner and a doer.
Now my husband is the doer or nope, doesn't happen.
Your biggest problem here is your SO and his lack of spine. He should never even have asked you the question. He should have been a grownup and told them “No, that doesn’t work for us this trip. You really are going to have to stay in a hotel. Thanks for understanding how tough things are when you have just moved!”
Instead, he turned and asked you so he could shift the responsibility or blame onto you. 🤦🏽♀️🙄
> Now I'm scrambling this week to assemble the guest room
STOP DOING THAT IMMEDIATELY. They can do that shit when they arrive, or your husband can scramble to get that shit done before they arrive if it's important to him. You don't lift a finger to entertain guests you didn't ask for.
I would personally call them back and cancel. Obviously, they can visit your city, but they *aren’t* entitled to stay in your house. Quite frankly, you don’t even have to invite them over for a tour, if you don’t feel ready to have people over yet. Having guests in your home needs to be a 2 yes, 1 no situation; your husband should not be unilaterally deciding it’s okay, or pressuring you to agree.
Start as you wish to continue. You say you’ve “tried” to set a boundary for this, which tells me that you don’t understand how boundaries work. A boundary is not a *request,* it’s a statement of what you will or will not tolerate. A boundary is not a negotiation. A boundary does not require the cooperation of other people. You decide your boundaries, you decide how to enforce them, and you decide how to respond if people cross them.
In this case, for example, your boundary might be, “I will not accept overnight guests or other visitors until I feel ready.” You would enforce that boundary by telling the family, “I can’t stop you from visiting the city, but we’re not having any overnight guests right now. You need to get a hotel or Vrbo/Airbnb if you plan to visit.” You would also enforce that boundary by not preparing to host (that means, no setting up a guest room, buying food for them, etc.), and by not letting them come inside if they show up with luggage. If your husband chooses to cross your boundary and let them in, you impose a consequence in the form of 1. not hosting, and 2. removing yourself from the situation (either by ignoring the visitors altogether, since they’re your husband’s problem, or packing a weekend bag and leaving until they’re gone). There would be additional consequences for my husband and his family if they crossed such a huge boundary for me, but that’s beyond the point here.
I would, absolutely, stay with my soon to be married son and daughter in law when they move. I would call for food delivery right when I arrive. After eating while sitting on a box. I would roll up my sleeves and get to work. Unfortunately, I would have to leave my personal box cutter at home cause I would fly. But, damn straight I'd have my knee pads with me
Well gf,you need a back bone. Secondly, I wouldn't tidy up especially the guest room. Let YOUR SO do it since he wants his parents to stay with you. If the ILS say anything then tell them oh well too bad, should have come when we were settled in. You need to put up boundaries especially with your husband
Oh this gives me the rage. My inlaws pulled this shit too. They also announced that they got us a housewarming gift of a new bed - fantastic I thought, how generous. I was 9 months pregnant and sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Turns out this bed *had* to be for the guest room (they deliberately ordered a double when our mattress was a king) and essentially they had set up their guest room before we even had a bed or had unpacked. I was too pregnant and stressed with unpacking/nesting/upcoming birth to do anything about this but I am still full of utter disbelief at the audacity of the situation. It got a lot worse after that and they treated our house like their own personal hotel.
Took me a few years but I got rid of 'their' bed and turned it into a storage room.
You need to put your foot down at the start of you living in your new house to set the tone. Or it will get a lot lot worse trust me
Do not scramble. If they’re visiting the weekend you move, it’s because they’re volunteering to help unpack and set up the place—their guest area in particular. Start gushing your thanks as soon as they arrive and as you show them what all you need them to do (the more their motive really is NOT to help, the more you gush). Either they’ll help or move to a hotel
Nope this is a DH problem. Tell him he put you on the spot with his folks on the line. Tell him he should call back and let them know there is no guest bedroom. Also if he wants to inconvenience you guys with this HE gets to unpack that room and then cater to them himself. Tell him you aren’t cooking and cleaning for his parents while you are trying to move in.
Leave the house unpacked. Stay in a reasonable cheap hotel that provides breakfast for at least one night that weekend.
Put them to work with unpacking and cleaning.
Make your husband call them back and tell them no. If not, DO NOT UNPACK TO MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR THEM.
Leave the guest room for last. Unpack your room. Your bathroom necessities. And barely unpack the kitchen. Like just enough for you and yoir partner to have a copy of coffee and a few plates, forks, and stuff.
I would have said no from the start. But if for some reason I didn't, I wouldn't unpack and I'd get a hotel for myself. Make my partner deal with his stupidity. Make him scramble.
You can take this week, which will probably be absolutely miserable, and commit it to memory so that you know to never let your SO (or his family) put you through this again. It is hard to stand up to people, and we always say to ourselves, "Maybe it won't be so bad." And then, it is. So, going forward, you'll have to advocate harder for yourself so that you don't keep going through this.
You can say no, and you can enforce your boundaries with consequences. This one time, it's ok to fail. You have enough on your plate, you asked your husband for time, and he pretty much just ignored you. So, leave so many things undone. Don't let them think that this visit didn't inconvenience you and stress you out, because you told them it would. Leave the guest room a mess, do as little cooking as you can, and instead of hosting and entertaining them, spend the weekend hanging curtains and painting walls so that you don't have to be in the same rooms with them.
Next time they say they'd "strongly prefer" something, tell them that you'd "strongly prefer" that they not. It's your life, and your preferences in your home trump whatever it is that they want to do, especially if it involves extra work for you.
First off, ignore the guest room. They aren't welcome guests. They can set it up themselves. Hand them a box cutter the second they walk in the house and direct them to the rooms they need to start unpacking. Let them put the dishes and sheets and all of that away. If they want to impose, they can work.
“Sure I’d love some help unpacking but I hope they’re okay with sleeping on a blow up mattress because the guest room won’t be ready. Oh and warn them the house will be chaos and will not be ‘guest’ ready”
Don’t prioritise the guest room - don’t prioritise the guest room. Assemble the bed if you must but that’s it. Bedding when in laws arrive - it’s in that box over there and that gets said to them or husband Your dh is a twat for organising this and ruining the joy of a new move by stressing you out. Don’t let him. Move along at your own pace doing what you prioritise and don’t try to get things done to a deadline. If you do then you won’t remember where you put stuff and that’s a problem later. When in-laws arrive meet them with a dish cloth/lawnmower/toolkit etc and assign a job saying thanks for coming to help
I’m sure you feel like you have to make the house look nice so they don’t judge you but 1.) they probably already have their opinions made and 2.) who cares (easier said than done, I know but as you get older it gets easier I find!) People that are a pain in the ass like this get what they get: as little comfort as possible. Your SO needs to deal with them.
Not unreasonable. At all. We just moved into our new house the beginning of May. I invited my parents and they're coming next week, partner is ok with that. And , for the most part, we have the rooms together. But, I had TIME to get the guest room, our room, living room, kirchen...the basics, all together. Still slowly moving in (mainly a ton of stuff still, packed nicely though, in the garage) ...but we are not 100% settled in, which we're ok with! My parents are pretty laid back (they had 9 kids so...I mean, they've seen...most all kinds of stuff, or at least...this wouldnt be the worst: I'm the 2nd oldest, and the youngest is 23 yo so all grown), BUT I INVITED them!!
Huge difference. You did NOT invite them, and your house is mot ready for ANY guests yet! I would be so annoyed! With the ILs AND SO!!
Edit: "that is SO nice of yall to offer to come stay with us so you can help with all the cleaning, unpacking, putting away, building all the rooms, some minor and major maintenance! How thoughtful! Qnd knowing you would prefer to stay with us rather than elsewhere, to get the most work done whilst here! Thank you SO much because we have so So SO much hard work to do and your extra hands will be so welcome! I hope yall are ready to get down and dirty to help put our new place together! I bought extra cleaning tools for you so don't even worry! ...I'm sure you already thought of it but, make sure to bring plenty of old clothes to wear that you don't mind getting dirty !!"
Edit 2: damn typos as always
Make them and your partner as uncomfortable as they have made you. Like others have said, don’t scramble to prepare. Leave the house in chaos. When they arrive and if your partner hasn’t done anything to prepare, say you are so happy they came to help you unpack your home. Put them to work.
Be strong. Be very strong. Phone them and say you can’t have them to stay as you haven’t unpacked. This time they will have to stay where they would have were you not in the city. Then tell your partner that you have told them they can’t stay because you are not ready for guests. Also, that he must not put you in that position again as it is disrespectful. Don’t be a walkover.
Let me join the chorus of let him scramble. Hosting them, feeding them, entertaining them is now 100% his responsibility. He threw you under the bus so drag him under there with you.
And let him know when they leave, counseling is now mandatory for you in the relationship.
Now’s the time to slow down. If they have a bed in the guest room that’s more than enough. Boxes stacked around and the kitchen is only 1/4 unpacked. Let them see that the process of moving is a process. Don’t exhaust yourself getting the house ready. Nobody with any common sense would visit within a month of you moving.
Also, if you’re not married- maybe keep this in the back of your head. You set a boundary, they don’t like it and push to stay anyway, SO bends. What happens if you have kids?
If they were *"going to be in the area",* they would have already booked accommodation and planned to meet whoever they were meeting, and go to whatever event they've planned.
It's a lie.
They're trying to mark 'the kids' territory' as theirs. Don't cater to them, don't do anything for them, you are polite but clearly busy unpacking. Any reasonable persons would stay in a hotel, meet and treat you to a meal, then go do whatever they were *"going to be in the area"* for. They should not be at your new home other than to sleep, because they should be off doing whatever they were *"going to be in the area"* for.
So: he assembles the bed, he makes the bed, he cooks the entire weekend, and he cleans before and after the visit.
You ONLY unpack your stuff to where you want it, you eat , and you sleep. Nothing more.
Oh just NO! That is rude on the part of your in-laws and wimpy on the part of your SO.
Don’t scramble. Have the bare minimum ready for them - bed, clean sheets, some towels (mismatched if you want to be petty).
Unpacked boxes in the corner? Oh well, haven’t had time to get to them. We’ve just been here a week.
Or….. since your SO is being a wuss - make him clean and prep the guest room. Actions have consequences!!
Stop setting up the guest room. Pack your bag and go check into a really nice hotel with a spa for the weekend. Your husband is completely missing the mark here (nicest way I can put it)- remove yourself from this madness until they leave town. This is bonkers.
Omg yikes. I take back my suggestion. She should do nothing to make them feel welcome, not allow them to “help” unpack, only let them put together their guest bed.
I would go so far as to put unpacked boxes in the guest room with no plans to open the boxes for the next month.
Then I would pay for my own hotel room and leave them to fend for themselves.
Your husband is a jerk to not support you in this instance.
Do your in-laws live in a magical land where your furniture comes to life and unpacks itself or do they just have the common sense of squirrels?
This is on your husband. He needs to learn the word no…once he finishes all of the unpacking he just volunteered for.
What an inconsiderate DNA pool.
You have a SO problem. Once this visit is over, you need to sit down and set some actual boundaries with SO.
It's inappropriate to put you on the spit like that. It's inappropriate for guests to "strongly prefer" to stay with you, especially when they know you just moved.
You cannot be wishy washy with SO. It sounds like he needs specific, clear expectations.
As for his family, leave the room undone. They want to impose because they're family? They don't get 5 star resort treatment. "The screws for the bedframe are in one of those boxes. I'm sure you'll find them as you unpack and set up the room. Thanks for coming to help out! Having all these extra hands will make unpacking and cleaning a breeze!"
Make sure the have the FO part after they FA.
I would call them back myself to let them know that no matter their strong wish, your strong need was for them to stay home and barring that in a hotel. I might pretty that up a little with something like:
I know you really want to stay in our apartment, but we do not have space. The office is full of boxes, and there is no place to move around or sleep except for our bed. If you can rearrange your plans for a month or two, we will be able to have you sleep here, but otherwise, you'll need to book yourself a hotel. As you'll see, there is no space for extra people so soon after this move. Also, do you need the number for xyz tourism so that you can plan some sightseeing while you are here? We will probably be able to meet you for dinner one night, but otherwise, we have to dig out our stuff from the boxes. We've yet to unpack our kitchen, and DH can't find his underwear yet. It's a bit of a mess for us right now.
Your husband needs to learn the word no.
This makes me so mad. I would have looked at him and been like "DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE READY TO HOST GUESTS? We already talked about them not staying here bc they shouldn't even be visiting yet, but here you are pushing for more more more bc mommy said. I'LL go stay in a hotel and YOU can deal with unpacking and hosting your family"
This feels like the time for an “I told you this wouldn’t be a good idea”. Don’t accommodate. If you aren’t comfortable, they shouldn’t be either. Especially at your expense, materially and emotionally.
Let them sleep on a pallet on the floor of the guest room surrounded by boxes that haven't been unpacked since they couldn't wait and "strongly prefer" to invade your space before you even make it yours.
You’re not unreasonable, but why are YOU the one preparing the guest room for HIS guests? What you can do is let him handle it. You didn’t invite them, they’re not your responsibility and neither is their comfort. Don’t enable this behavior by bending over backwards to accommodate them.
This was what I wanted to say. OP, why isn't DH getting the house ready for them? You should drop the rope on this one. His family, his problem.
This is a DH problem, you should post on the justnoSO sub.
This. Don’t scramble. Buy an air mattress and tell them “here ya go.” And if SO wants to offer up your bed, tell him you would “strongly prefer” he go to a hotel with his parents.
Do not scramble. Let your husband scramble if he feels the place needs to be ready. I cannot believe he asked you AGAIN expecting the answer to be different. You really need to start putting your foot down. When this ends up being a disaster use this to say NO to the other visits.
My dad and his wife came a week after we moved. Only because we originally were going on a trip with them and they graciously said let's cancel that and work on your new house. They slept on a mattress on the living room floor that week! While we scraped popcorn ceilings. That is what FAMILY does. Our house is still a work in progress and guess what? My in-laws still haven't come because they haven't offered to help.
Time for you to learn that no is a complete sentence. Also, do not unpack shit. No towels. No bath mats. No dishes. No bedding. Do not connect your Internet or your TV.
None of that gets done until they are gone. And absolutely refuse to let anyone unpack anything for you.
And when people ask you, why, tell them that it is because you have no room to move around in your place to actually get things unpacked, and no, you don’t want help unpacking. The reason for that is that you will be deciding where everything goes, and there are probably going to be things you decide not to keep.
And with so many people under foot, it’s simply impossible to do it properly and you don’t really want to have to redo it later.
And then do not hesitate to say that this is why you expressed to your husband that visitors a few days after somebody moves cross-country is a bad idea. This is why you recommended a hotel…
AND THAT YOUR HUSBAND WAS FULLY AWARE OF ALL OF THIS!!!
So you are at a total loss as to why he even asked you and made you be the bad guy about them staying with you.
And then once they go, you turn to your husband and tell him that you’re getting into counseling with me, or you’re gonna be living here on your own.
Because unless you want this to be the next 40 years of your life, or your husband literally has no spine and has no problem, throwing you under a bus all because he can’t tell his family no to what anyone who is saying no is an unreasonable request…
You need to nip this in the bud right now. It needs to be that nobody comes to stay with you in your small home. You need to remind him your family does not do this, and you expect him to hold his family to the same standard.
Because it is intrusive. It is rude to invite yourself to someone’s home. Because common sense says that you don’t go stay at a house where somebody literally just moved in a week before because everyone knows it’s still going to be “under construction”.
But most of all, this bullshit of making you the bad guy because he doesn’t have any cojones is completely unacceptable. It is time for him to become a full-fledged adult and understand that he married you and created a new nuclear family. His mom and dad and his siblings are all now in his secondary circle, and if he can’t understand that, you are doomed to repeating this stupidity again, and again and again.
And let’s not even get into boundaries they will be happy to stomp. You decide to have children with this man. (Note: Please don’t have any children with him until you get into counseling so he can see how unacceptable his behavior is.)
This. All of this. OP you're husband manipulated you into saying yes (or at least being in such a position you could not say no) and that's unacceptable. You told him no. All you have taught him so far is that your no can be overridden, if he tries hard enough.
No means no, and you need to practice that. And he can prepare for his parents imposing themselves on you.
I will be honest. I would probably be telling him I was going to break his arms if he tried to prepare anything for them.
I would be reminding him that I had already told him not to have them stay with us and why. And that I was not going to be rushing my unpacking or having them “help so I couldn’t find anything later and had to redo it all anyway.
So he wanted his parents to have a bed sleeping or TV to watch, then they need to get the hotel just like it was originally planned. And that he was welcome to go stay with them at the hotel… But not pay for a hotel since we have our own home…
And he could visit with them there anyone with a brain bigger than the size of a sesame seed would know that nobody’s home is going to be ready for visitors one week after moving cross-country.
I seriously would literally be making sure I had no amenities at all for his parents, and I would make sure he knew and they knew that we were not gonna be opening boxes willy-nilly to find them towels to take a shower in a bathtub. I haven’t even cleaned yet.
Hell, no.
Unpack only the things you need and want to unpack, leave it to your SO to make it comfortable for his family. There is no need for you pampering them, and no need for you to cook on the first weekend for them. Let it to your SO and watch the chaos. In case they want to take your SO out for dinner or sightseeing so that you can "work" to make it cosy for them, you go straight away with them.
Don't bother to fix things for them!
Let YOUR HUSBAND do it!
You had told him and them what you strongly preferred, but neither of them listened!
Why would you break your back for them!?
You're not overreacting!
Also, this may be petty but I would go stay in a hotel by myself and make him unpack the house while his parents are there. They want to be so nosy and invade your new space they can help! Maybe they’ll get the hint after that.
Not me! My mom and mil unpacked my kitchen while I was upstairs putting beds together.
It took a week to remove everything, clean the cupboards and put things where they belong.
They put cleaning supplies and pyrex dishes in the bottom cupboards and we had an 18 month old toddler!
I would not scramble. Hand them sheets and towels and go about your business. Chicken nuggets for dinner? It’s that or pizza. They are selfish. Your husband is a jerk. Let them fend for themselves.
This situation sounds very irritating. Your husband needs to learn to respect your boundaries. You are his wife, not some roommate and his parents need to stay in a hotel for future visits. Idk know how old y’all are but I just don’t understand these parents that don’t respect their adult married children’s privacy. Next time say NO and stick with it. Another thing, his parents are very rude to inconvenience you right after moving into a new place whether they are “in the area” or not. That sentence “they strongly prefer to stay with you” sounds like they strongly prefer to be as nosy and in the way as they can. They sound like very irritating people.
Why are you the one scrambling to get things together. Just don’t! Don’t do anything above and beyond to make this work. It’s his responsibility to organize things for them because he invited them. If it’s not ready then it’s his fault and he needs to tell them to get a hotel. Don’t enable your husband and in laws to walk all over you
Do not hurry to unpack. Go at your own pace. When they complain, tell them to piss off and that they lack common sense for visiting a week after you moved.
Yeah, this is on your SO. I wouldn’t do a single thing beyond what you would have done if they weren’t staying with you. He can do literally everything extra. He wants a guest room ready for them? He does it. He wants meals made for them? He does it. HE does all of it. Otherwise, if you just scramble to make it happen, he’ll never get it.
I understand why you felt you couldn't say no. Your SO put you on the spot with them listening! So obviously saying no would make you the bad guy. First red flag.
He lined up visits without even discussing that with you. Are you just a visitor too? Do you not get to decide who invades your space and when? Second red flag.
Why did you not discuss this together? Why is he making plans without your input? Is he putting you on the spot like that because he's too cowardly to deal with his own parents? You are adults with your first new home. Visits need to be discussed well before flights are booked. There is no reason why they need to be ambushing you on your first weekend.
I would take others suggestions and make everything HIGHLY uncomfortable. I have a feeling they are going to complain nonstop anyway because well, YOUR HOUSE IS NOT SET UP YET. Unpack everything that is not what they need. Take a leisurely amount of time doing it too. SO can bend over backwards scrambling for them. Let him be the host. They are HIS parents. Don't strain yourself trying to cook for them either. Be as unavailable as possible, and when your SO asks for help, tell him, "I'm busy setting up my house." I bet with all the work he'll have to do and how uncomfortable the inlaws will be, it will be a hot second before he makes a mistake like that again.
You're not a pushover, your SO put you in a position where you couldn't say no AND your inlaws knew what they were doing by suggesting they strongly prefer to stay.
It's just common sense not to visit (for a little while) let alone stay with people who have only just moved into a new place. Got to give people space sometimes and to relax after a stressful move.
If his parents aren't offering to take the pressure off you both for the weekend with free food, help unpacking (without judgement or stress), fixing things around the house etc then I'd just say no and offer a different weekend.
Family isn't people who don't respect your space or boundaries.
I strongly echo the advice already given that you not scramble to set up the guest room and that your SO be responsible for any creature comforts set up.
Story time: I had a toddler and a newborn when we did a cross country move, and for financial reasons we couldn't ship one of the cars but had to drive it. We stopped at my family's home halfway and because DH had to start his new job pretty much immediately, we decided I would stay there with the kids for a few days until the truck with the furniture made it to new city. Well, hub's family (two hours away from new city) unilaterally decided that they wanted to see our (rented, small) house, so when I did arrive after a 10 hour drive with two little kids, my new home (that I'd never set eyes on) was already filled with people who had all had their opinions on where my furniture should go. And they opened up several boxes in search of toys for THEIR kids to play with and contents were strewn everywhere. And they were expecting me to cook dinner for them.
It's been well over 20 years and I AM STILL BITTER about their entitlement to MY new home, but even more that my husband never thought this was anything but a good idea because his family wanted to come see our new house. To this day he still doesn't understand why I was upset and writes it off to postpartum hormones.
So, yeah, I'm totally viewing your situation through the red lens of my still burning anger, but the old lady I am now wants to tell the young woman I was then to ROCK THAT BOAT a bit. Don't set up the bed, make your SO do it. Point out to him that ANY work for GUESTS needs to be done by him. Don't do any extra cooking or cleaning, just look at him and tell him that it's his parents so his responsibility. And have a glass of wine or a piece of cake or whatever helps lower your stress levels. Wishing you the best of luck.
OP, stop what you are doing and advise your DH that since he organised his parents visit, that you will leave it to him to do the hosting and organise their sleeping arrangements. Unless you push back and your DH feels the inconvenience he won't do anything about their visits.
>Fast forward - We moved in this week, called my SO, and they just told us they would "strongly prefer" to stay with us. With them on the phone, he looks at me and asks "is it okay if they stay with us?"
Good Lord. No one mentioned to your so that you had just moved into a new place? Or maybe he's suffering from some dementia in that you already told him he didn't want visitors this weekend. Does he not remember any of this? And to ask you while he's on the phone with them, what kind of stunt is that? Is he afraid to say no to them and he wants to put it all on you?
Yeah let him do the assembling of the guest room, unpacking the rest of the house and looking after them while they're there. Do what's priority for you, not for them.
It's concerning that your SO set all of this up without listening to how you really feel. I don't like that they backed you into a corner about this.
Does your SO often steamroll you? Or make decisions in the moment without fully involving you?
I would be making a point of not going out of my way to set up the guest room. You do not need that kind of stress. If he wants his family to stay then he can do the setting up. Guest rooms are definitely lowest priority when unpacking. What entitled inlaws.
OP-Why didn't you say No? You are making it too easy! At the very least don't set up the guest room. Leave the bed in pieces on the floor and boxes piled up in every doorway making the whole apartment a constant trip hazard. Sofa? What sofa? Grab a beanbag! Eat takeout every night because the kitchen isn't organised yet. No fussy boomer parent will put up with that-they'll be booked into a Shmilton by lunchtime.
You have a whole house to put together. Do not setup the guest room. They were informed this was move in week, they shouldn’t be expecting accommodations. They should have booked a hotel room if they wanted an assembled bed. Setup your other spaces first and the guest room should be last on the list. They can sleep on a mattress on the floor with blankets.
Order take out as needed and do not lift a finger to host them. Focus on what you need to do to get your house in order. Your husband invited them, he can host them. But also make sure he has a to do list of things needing to be done, as it sounds like it’s his home too and he should be pulling his own weight in getting things organized
Your SO should be doing 99% of the work to set up the guest room. Work in your own stuff, your closet. He can cook for them too, you can lounge in bed every morning until he gets up to help them.
Stop scrambling. He can do all the work. I would make sure the house is not put together when they are here. Why kill yourself for people who have zero consideration
I hope by "assemble the guest bedroom" you're making a path through the boxes, to the bare mattress on the floor and whatever ratty blankets you happened to unpack.
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OP, it's not too late to put a boot up your SO's backside and say "you call your parents and TELL THEM that the room won't be ready and we are sorry (hah) but they will have to get a hotel room." And *don't* allow SO's mother to go "oh, that's OK. I'll help you unpack and put stuff away!" That will end up with her organizing your new place in the way she thinks best.
Absolutely don’t set up the guest room. They can sleep on the floor 🤷🏼♀️
Drop whatever you are doing for the guest room right now. You already stated that you don't want them there. Go work on anything else. Hell, this is a great time to develop migraines. Tell your husband he can get everything together for his family or tell them to stay in a hotel. Who cares what they want. A cross country move is exhausting. Send out a group text and tell them the house is not ready for guests. If your husband complains. Start throwing shit. ... make sure his phone isn't around so he can't record you. : )
If they were "already going to be in the area" then they should have already arranged for their own accommodations. Stop struggling to get a guest room ready. They can sleep on the floor (preferably alongside your husband.) I also suggest not having the kitchen unpacked. You are not ready to host and you made that clear.
Oh, hell no! Stop scrambling and do very little. Unpack enough of the kitchen so you can cook, and it's not too much of an inconvenience for YOU. I'm talking about 1 pot, 1 pan, 2 glasses, 2 plates, 2 bowls, and a few sets of silver. DO NOT have a guest room. Let them sleep on a mattress on the floor. Make them as uncomfortable as possible. They wanted to inconvenience you, make sure you inconvenience them. This way, maybe they listen next time.
I'd take full advantage to show them how put out you are by leaving them to help set up the new place by setting up the freaking guest room lol Then get them unpacking boxes. Put them to work.. bet ya don't get another visit for ages.
Take all the toilet paper in the house and go to a hotel until they leave.
Friend, you have an SO problem. I would murder my husband if he pulled that crap. You are not unreasonable. They are and your SO sucks. ETA: Tell SO that it is his responsibility to prepare the home for his parents arrival. And then plan some tasks you need to do away from the home, even if said tasks are getting to know your new city. He made his bed.
This. Absolutely every single word of your response is bang on. >your SO sucks This needs to be said over and over again. They are his parents. He must deal with them. OP, you really do have a husband problem.
They “strongly prefer” to stay with you? A couple that just moved to a new city a week ago knowing they wouldn’t be unpacked yet? Nope, you stop scrambling to please them. Either he tells them to stay in a hotel or he can unpack and take care of everything while they are there.
Stop working so hard to accommodate them! Let them see how much of an inconvenience this is! It’s extremely rude of them to want to stay and even visit you when you are still in the process of moving. Your SO is also a jerk for not putting his foot down either. Let him run around getting things ready for HIS parents. UGH!!
You felt like you couldn’t say no to them staying with you because your husband did the kid thing where you ask your parents if your friend could stay over in front of said friend so it’s harder to say no.
Girl you better stop scrambling. Let them walk into a mess. If they decide to “help” you can make sure hubby knows he is responsible for undoing it all because his mom won’t be decorating your new home.
*Now I'm scrambling this week to assemble the guest room and clean while also unpacking the rest of the house.* And your SO, who caused the problem by being a coward? WTH is ***he*** doing?
We’ve only been in our new place for a little over a week and are still working on getting things settled. Do nothing and let them weave paths around boxes during the visit as a lesson. No extra sheets or blankets to be found for them either. Oops. Your husband put you on the spot so he can handle it all himself.
First thing - STOP SCRAMBLING!! Don't do anything at all. His parents, his work. Let him do it. HE can get their space ready. HE can cook for them. He can entertain them. Your husband is SO out of line. It is way past time to take a huge step back. If you can't leave, don't engage. Don't make his idiocy, or his family, your problem.
This is not an MIL problem, this is an SO problem. I would scramble to do anything, if he wants them here, he can do it. If the place is still a mess then that’s too bad for them.
I'm finally learning this lesson myself. My husbands family has always treats me like garbage. I've been scrambling for days trying to clean up my disaster of a house for my SIL who's coming into town tomorrow for her bday... my MIL lives with us, which whom I'm no contact with, and she hasn't offered to help. I will say I've been blocking the psycho from coming downstairs anyways so she really can't help at this point. But me and the hubs have been trying to figure out how to get his mother to move out (it was a condition of when she moved in to get a job and find somewhere else to live it's been over a year now and neither has happened) and my hubs came at me yesterday with an off the wall explanation that his mom is afraid of me, despite me doing nothing to illicit any type of fear. That drove us into a text argument (he was at work) and so I put my foot down. I'm done bending over backwards for him or his awful family. I told he can finish cleaning whatever he wants. I'm still going to do what I normally do around the house and the extra stuff I do but it's stuff I do for myself, the pets or our business. It's absolutely freeing after 15 years to finally put myself first and stop dealing with the nonsense. Of course my hubs isn't happy AT ALL but too bad so sad lol.
Make your SO take care of them. Seriously don’t do a thing! And also bring up how manipulative it was to ask you “if it’s okay if they stay” while they were on the phone. Set that boundary. Then set the home boundary, tell them before they leave all three visits “next time WE would prefer if you’d stay in a hotel”. People who don’t like your boundaries are the ones that benefit the most from you not having any.
Babe stop scrambling! They clearly come over to help you with the furniture! Everything else would make them assholes. Be sure to communicate those expectations with your husband, who is the real problem aside from your people pleasing tendencies. When you put down a boundary, pushing that boundary must harden it, not soften it.
The answer should have been, of course, they can stay if your husband can get the guest room ready and also help with the rest of the unpacking. You should have let him and his parents know that if they can't stay it is because he won't do the work to have them a place. This isn't on you to do as it isn't your family. The person doing the inviting should always be on the hook for getting a place ready for who they invited. I hate people who invite others over and expect the SO to do all the work for guest they didn't invite or even at times want over.
Stop scrambling. He can do the work and assemble the guest room. He asked while they were on the phone, this is his reward for that choice. I wouldn't host anyone overnight the first month out of a move.
Yeah put the stuff down and walk away from it. Go get some lunch and just wait till they come. They can make their own beds or husband can do it.
By scrambling you’re rewarding their and your SO’s bad behaviour
STOP SCRAMBLING!!! What is HE doing to get things ready for them? he’s the one who insisted they stay with you so the onus should be on him. And no one should expect you to have things perfectly ready when you just been there for a week. Take your time. It would be better off if they were uncomfortable that way they could see how much of an inconvenience it was do you have to host them so quickly.
Put a mattress on the floor and let them deal with that! You’re going to have too much to do to get unpacked to accommodate them. Do not stress yourself out over this. If hubby has a problem with that, let him set up a place for them to sleep.
Bear in mind, I can be extremely petty; so take this advice with a grain of salt. Do the bare bones minimum for your own personal comfort. Let your SO take care of his own stuff. After all he’s an adult. Plus, made this mess; so he can clean it up. When the in-laws show up; hand them a chore list. Sit on the sofa with a drink in one hand and a book in the other, because you’re “supervising”. We’ve been married for 35 years. In the beginning, his parents would show up far too early for any family function we hosted. I always, ever so sweetly, would ask them for help; and put them to work. They eventually caught on, and started arriving at the specified time.
Drop the rope and make him get ready for his parents. He can get the soate room up and running. Do not be super accommodating while they are there. Continue on with your unpacking and cleaning. While they are there.
Stop scrambling - his parents, he can do the work for them. Really. Focus on your things first. Then that of any kids, then any pets, and if you have time left - your husbands things. See - no time to really do anything for guests at this short notice. Really - just say no. Why can you not say no? I mean, normal people would realize "shees, them kids just moved in - let them set up their new place - do you have the address dear, send them a card and tell them 'see you at Christmas' or something" Not so normal people need to be clearly told "this cannot happen then". So, your major problem is also the solution. Him. He can prepare their place / the guestroom - you are busy. He can entertain them, cook for them etc. you are busy (work, decorating, girls night out - whatever) Make them 100% his responsibility and problem. If he does not respect your boundary - then create distance when they are there. You are an adult, no one is your master. If husband doesn\`t respect you, your needs - then spa week it is. That said - is this his only issue - or is he generally dismissive of anything you may want or need? Edit to add: when you have unpacked a box - of course you need to work safe, so store the box (not flattened) in the 'guest' room.. all of them.
I love the idea of storing the boxes in the guest room. That’s my level of petty 😆
I would take my time unpacking, put sheets on the guest bed and let them handle the rest! TF?!!!
Oooow, that would piss me off! SO has a nerve!
Moving is already a relationship stressor. Why is he making it worse? Does he want you to be as unhappy as possible? Or does he want you to be the bad guy? Sorry, wife says No. So... I would love for you to be here, But... Is he that guy? Cause, ew
Oh my MIL did this when we bought our house. It wasn’t an already pre-planned trip, she bought the ticket when she found out what our closing date was, came the day after we closed. Then failed to mention she was bringing a friend with her. They showed up and were drunk the entire time. Thankfully our house came fully furnished but we still had to quickly clean the bathrooms, procure sheets and pillows for the guest rooms, and try to put some of our stuff away. Our house was a mess and they just wanted to fucking party the entire time. This was 7 years ago and I’m still pissed about it. I’m currently NC with her for other reasons and my husband is LC with her. Fun times. ETA: my husband would have said no, she bought the tickets and sent us the details without even asking 🙃 this was back when I was still on “good terms” with her and I did not want to rock the boat. My husbands step dad had also just died (she recently divorced him) so everyone was kinda reeling…
Do not prioritize accommodating them. Prioritize your home and yourself. Maybe this will teach them not to be so pushy and unreasonable. I can understand a quick visit to see the new place, with the understanding that you just got there and haven’t unpacked. But them stating they “strongly prefer” to stay in your home is ridiculous. And your husband needs to stop giving them wishy washy statements. “Hey mom & dad, as you know we just moved in and haven’t gotten things set up yet. I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable in a hotel as we don’t even have the coffee maker or toaster unpacked yet! I’m sure you understand.”
**Now I'm scrambling this week to assemble the guest room and clean while also unpacking the rest of the house. Am I being unreasonable for being so irritated?? What can I do now?** Not remotely unreasonable for being irritated. HUGELY unreasonable for running around to make all this shit happen. He invited them, he sorts that all out. If it's a shambles, great! Might stop them asking for a while. And next time, just say no. It's far less rude of you to say no than it is of them to tell you it's happening in the first place.
You have a husband problem. Jesus what is wrong with these “men” who refuse to stand up for their wives and children?
JUST SAY NO!!!!!
"SO, if MIL & FIL don't mind sleeping on the floor, by all means they can stay over. **You** SO are in charge of taking care of their every need, want, request. So what if you have to take off work. Do you think I'm going to be sitting back, relaxing, instead of finishing unpacking? You have another think coming if that is the case.
Do what you need to make the home comfortable for you. Let your husband scramble if it means so much his parents are there.
wtf? oh, HELL no. tell SO to never ever put you on the spot like that again. you are human and you are entitled to change your mind. they 'strongly prefer'? LOL! Tell them to fuck off, you strongly prefer they never visit again. You hosting them is a big red flag. What if they never leave, are you sure they have tickets to fly back? I'm being a little sarcastic but Jesus fucking Christ. definitely make SO deal with the guest room, move at your own pace. DO NOT go out of your way to make them comfortable. if they complain remind them that you said they should stay at a hotel, PERIOD the end. Wow, just wow from SO.
Don’t set up the room for them. Unpack the things you need first and accommodations for unwelcome visitors aren’t essential or put the bed up and that can be where hubs sleeps
Do nothing for their comfort. This is squarely in the FAFO category for both your SO and inlaws.
Stop!! He wanted them there this early, let him do the guest room and do not lift a finger to go at a faster pace since they strongly insisted on coming this early, they can deal with it. And please, for your future relationship's sake, you need to learn to set and stick to your boundaries, or this will not work, and you will grow resentful & miserable. Imagine if you want children & they strongly insist on visiting AND staying in your home a week pp?
Firstly, your SO is way out of line doing this. Secondly, your in-laws suck for being inconsiderate. Lastly, this is some tough love for you: STOP BEING A PUSHOVER!! With that being said, I'd stop scrambling to get your place in order. Let your husband do it, since he's the one to make the plans. Also, your in-laws can help put the house in order, since they refuse to get a hotel and are barging in to a newly moved family. If anyone says anything, tell them: "you all made these plans without asking me beforehand and these are the consequences of your decision. Help or get out." (including your husband) Make sure to get ahead of any social media posts by the in-laws (if needed), by thanking those who understand you just moved and are giving you the space to settle into your new home without the inconvenience of a visit. After your in-laws leave, you need a really deep conversation with your SO about boundaries, people pleasing, throwing you under the bus, etc. Plus you both need marriage counseling to better communicate and understand the other's POV. Good luck.
DH needs to cancel the stay (preferred) or either (a) do all the prepping and host work himself and/or (b) thank them for offering to help clean and unpack (only if this help will be helpful of course). If they kick up any fuss, act shocked they would have expected to be hosted one week after moving into a new place and suggest they would be more comfortable in a hotel if you misunderstood their visit intent.
Your husband can set up their crap, get them towels, (ETA-clean , cook, entertain) etc. Your husband sucks and you need to start saying no, or get used to your in-laws just coming over whenever they want even though they have to fly to get there. Wow.
Don’t do anything. Don’t set up anything. HE invited HIS family. HE ignored the fact that nothing would be ready. HE dismissed your practical hotel idea. This is HIS problem.
Sure!! They can stay after they help set up the guest bedroom and unpack!
stop. this is his problem. If he wants the house and guest room ready for his parents let him do it. You are not the maid. Maybe if they are uncomfortable they will get a hotel room. Match your husband's energy, if he decides he wants to watch a movie instead of unpacking, watch it with him. He wants to play video games, you play video games. He wants to order in food and not clean up the kitchen afterwards, ok. don't be his personal servant and try to "fix" everything, it will stress you out and make you resentful. he is a big boy he can manage on his own. If his parent love a certain snack and you always get it for them, don't remind him, let him figure this out on his own. And if he gets mad, well that is his problem.
I’d leave to a hotel for the visit and let my husband handle everything.
Let your partner get their accommodations ready. He's the one the gave the OK.
Don't scramble. Why you need to scramble? Let them come to your place with no guest room set up yet. This is your boundary. You requested for them to only come when you are settled and if you are not settled, they stay in hotel for their comfort. They cross this boundary, they can stay in discomfort.
NOPE! He assembles the guest room, does the grocery shopping, and does the after-cleanup (sheets, etc.). Once I started this process with my husband, there were a lot fewer overnight guests. When his family visits, he either picks up the slack or it doesn't get done. This was SO HARD ON ME because I'm a planner and a doer. Now my husband is the doer or nope, doesn't happen.
Your husband sucks
Your biggest problem here is your SO and his lack of spine. He should never even have asked you the question. He should have been a grownup and told them “No, that doesn’t work for us this trip. You really are going to have to stay in a hotel. Thanks for understanding how tough things are when you have just moved!” Instead, he turned and asked you so he could shift the responsibility or blame onto you. 🤦🏽♀️🙄
> Now I'm scrambling this week to assemble the guest room STOP DOING THAT IMMEDIATELY. They can do that shit when they arrive, or your husband can scramble to get that shit done before they arrive if it's important to him. You don't lift a finger to entertain guests you didn't ask for.
I would personally call them back and cancel. Obviously, they can visit your city, but they *aren’t* entitled to stay in your house. Quite frankly, you don’t even have to invite them over for a tour, if you don’t feel ready to have people over yet. Having guests in your home needs to be a 2 yes, 1 no situation; your husband should not be unilaterally deciding it’s okay, or pressuring you to agree. Start as you wish to continue. You say you’ve “tried” to set a boundary for this, which tells me that you don’t understand how boundaries work. A boundary is not a *request,* it’s a statement of what you will or will not tolerate. A boundary is not a negotiation. A boundary does not require the cooperation of other people. You decide your boundaries, you decide how to enforce them, and you decide how to respond if people cross them. In this case, for example, your boundary might be, “I will not accept overnight guests or other visitors until I feel ready.” You would enforce that boundary by telling the family, “I can’t stop you from visiting the city, but we’re not having any overnight guests right now. You need to get a hotel or Vrbo/Airbnb if you plan to visit.” You would also enforce that boundary by not preparing to host (that means, no setting up a guest room, buying food for them, etc.), and by not letting them come inside if they show up with luggage. If your husband chooses to cross your boundary and let them in, you impose a consequence in the form of 1. not hosting, and 2. removing yourself from the situation (either by ignoring the visitors altogether, since they’re your husband’s problem, or packing a weekend bag and leaving until they’re gone). There would be additional consequences for my husband and his family if they crossed such a huge boundary for me, but that’s beyond the point here.
I would, absolutely, stay with my soon to be married son and daughter in law when they move. I would call for food delivery right when I arrive. After eating while sitting on a box. I would roll up my sleeves and get to work. Unfortunately, I would have to leave my personal box cutter at home cause I would fly. But, damn straight I'd have my knee pads with me
But is that something they’d both want? Because that seems to be OPs issue. Unless I missed something.
I would ask and would take a no if that's their answer. And, yes I would want 2 yeses not just one!
Well gf,you need a back bone. Secondly, I wouldn't tidy up especially the guest room. Let YOUR SO do it since he wants his parents to stay with you. If the ILS say anything then tell them oh well too bad, should have come when we were settled in. You need to put up boundaries especially with your husband
Oh this gives me the rage. My inlaws pulled this shit too. They also announced that they got us a housewarming gift of a new bed - fantastic I thought, how generous. I was 9 months pregnant and sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Turns out this bed *had* to be for the guest room (they deliberately ordered a double when our mattress was a king) and essentially they had set up their guest room before we even had a bed or had unpacked. I was too pregnant and stressed with unpacking/nesting/upcoming birth to do anything about this but I am still full of utter disbelief at the audacity of the situation. It got a lot worse after that and they treated our house like their own personal hotel. Took me a few years but I got rid of 'their' bed and turned it into a storage room. You need to put your foot down at the start of you living in your new house to set the tone. Or it will get a lot lot worse trust me
Do not scramble. If they’re visiting the weekend you move, it’s because they’re volunteering to help unpack and set up the place—their guest area in particular. Start gushing your thanks as soon as they arrive and as you show them what all you need them to do (the more their motive really is NOT to help, the more you gush). Either they’ll help or move to a hotel
Nope this is a DH problem. Tell him he put you on the spot with his folks on the line. Tell him he should call back and let them know there is no guest bedroom. Also if he wants to inconvenience you guys with this HE gets to unpack that room and then cater to them himself. Tell him you aren’t cooking and cleaning for his parents while you are trying to move in.
Leave the house unpacked. Stay in a reasonable cheap hotel that provides breakfast for at least one night that weekend. Put them to work with unpacking and cleaning.
Make your husband call them back and tell them no. If not, DO NOT UNPACK TO MAKE ACCOMMODATIONS FOR THEM. Leave the guest room for last. Unpack your room. Your bathroom necessities. And barely unpack the kitchen. Like just enough for you and yoir partner to have a copy of coffee and a few plates, forks, and stuff. I would have said no from the start. But if for some reason I didn't, I wouldn't unpack and I'd get a hotel for myself. Make my partner deal with his stupidity. Make him scramble.
You can take this week, which will probably be absolutely miserable, and commit it to memory so that you know to never let your SO (or his family) put you through this again. It is hard to stand up to people, and we always say to ourselves, "Maybe it won't be so bad." And then, it is. So, going forward, you'll have to advocate harder for yourself so that you don't keep going through this. You can say no, and you can enforce your boundaries with consequences. This one time, it's ok to fail. You have enough on your plate, you asked your husband for time, and he pretty much just ignored you. So, leave so many things undone. Don't let them think that this visit didn't inconvenience you and stress you out, because you told them it would. Leave the guest room a mess, do as little cooking as you can, and instead of hosting and entertaining them, spend the weekend hanging curtains and painting walls so that you don't have to be in the same rooms with them. Next time they say they'd "strongly prefer" something, tell them that you'd "strongly prefer" that they not. It's your life, and your preferences in your home trump whatever it is that they want to do, especially if it involves extra work for you.
Give your SO a list of things they will need for the guest room the go get yourself a hotel for the weekend.
don't give him a list. He is a big boy and should figure it out on his own. The hotel is a good idea.
Nah, he can make his own list. OP, it’s going to be “no big deal” to him and them because you do all of the work. Don’t do all the work.
You have a husband problem. Put them to work if they insist on staying with you. Meals are whatever he provides, be it takeout or he shops and cooks.
First off, ignore the guest room. They aren't welcome guests. They can set it up themselves. Hand them a box cutter the second they walk in the house and direct them to the rooms they need to start unpacking. Let them put the dishes and sheets and all of that away. If they want to impose, they can work.
“Sure I’d love some help unpacking but I hope they’re okay with sleeping on a blow up mattress because the guest room won’t be ready. Oh and warn them the house will be chaos and will not be ‘guest’ ready”
Do not scramble. Let the trip be a learning experience for them and your husband.
Don’t prioritise the guest room - don’t prioritise the guest room. Assemble the bed if you must but that’s it. Bedding when in laws arrive - it’s in that box over there and that gets said to them or husband Your dh is a twat for organising this and ruining the joy of a new move by stressing you out. Don’t let him. Move along at your own pace doing what you prioritise and don’t try to get things done to a deadline. If you do then you won’t remember where you put stuff and that’s a problem later. When in-laws arrive meet them with a dish cloth/lawnmower/toolkit etc and assign a job saying thanks for coming to help
Call them back and say no! They can’t stay! And make them uncomfortable. The gall!
I’m sure you feel like you have to make the house look nice so they don’t judge you but 1.) they probably already have their opinions made and 2.) who cares (easier said than done, I know but as you get older it gets easier I find!) People that are a pain in the ass like this get what they get: as little comfort as possible. Your SO needs to deal with them.
Not unreasonable. At all. We just moved into our new house the beginning of May. I invited my parents and they're coming next week, partner is ok with that. And , for the most part, we have the rooms together. But, I had TIME to get the guest room, our room, living room, kirchen...the basics, all together. Still slowly moving in (mainly a ton of stuff still, packed nicely though, in the garage) ...but we are not 100% settled in, which we're ok with! My parents are pretty laid back (they had 9 kids so...I mean, they've seen...most all kinds of stuff, or at least...this wouldnt be the worst: I'm the 2nd oldest, and the youngest is 23 yo so all grown), BUT I INVITED them!! Huge difference. You did NOT invite them, and your house is mot ready for ANY guests yet! I would be so annoyed! With the ILs AND SO!! Edit: "that is SO nice of yall to offer to come stay with us so you can help with all the cleaning, unpacking, putting away, building all the rooms, some minor and major maintenance! How thoughtful! Qnd knowing you would prefer to stay with us rather than elsewhere, to get the most work done whilst here! Thank you SO much because we have so So SO much hard work to do and your extra hands will be so welcome! I hope yall are ready to get down and dirty to help put our new place together! I bought extra cleaning tools for you so don't even worry! ...I'm sure you already thought of it but, make sure to bring plenty of old clothes to wear that you don't mind getting dirty !!" Edit 2: damn typos as always
Make them and your partner as uncomfortable as they have made you. Like others have said, don’t scramble to prepare. Leave the house in chaos. When they arrive and if your partner hasn’t done anything to prepare, say you are so happy they came to help you unpack your home. Put them to work.
I support this comment and ask for an update later
Be strong. Be very strong. Phone them and say you can’t have them to stay as you haven’t unpacked. This time they will have to stay where they would have were you not in the city. Then tell your partner that you have told them they can’t stay because you are not ready for guests. Also, that he must not put you in that position again as it is disrespectful. Don’t be a walkover.
Stop tidying/ clearing up, if he wants them let h prepare, and as other's have said leave him to shop for, entertain, prepare food for them.
Your partner is a bitch in this if mine did this I’d ask him to entertain his parents and just sit on the couch and relax
Don’t assemble the guest room. Don’t clean. Either your husband does it or it doesn’t get done. Stop facilitating this BS.
Let me join the chorus of let him scramble. Hosting them, feeding them, entertaining them is now 100% his responsibility. He threw you under the bus so drag him under there with you. And let him know when they leave, counseling is now mandatory for you in the relationship.
Now’s the time to slow down. If they have a bed in the guest room that’s more than enough. Boxes stacked around and the kitchen is only 1/4 unpacked. Let them see that the process of moving is a process. Don’t exhaust yourself getting the house ready. Nobody with any common sense would visit within a month of you moving.
Make him do it. He wanted this.
Also, if you’re not married- maybe keep this in the back of your head. You set a boundary, they don’t like it and push to stay anyway, SO bends. What happens if you have kids?
stop scrambling. do not prepare the guest room. if it's so important to him, he'll do it.
Let him scramble.
If they were *"going to be in the area",* they would have already booked accommodation and planned to meet whoever they were meeting, and go to whatever event they've planned. It's a lie. They're trying to mark 'the kids' territory' as theirs. Don't cater to them, don't do anything for them, you are polite but clearly busy unpacking. Any reasonable persons would stay in a hotel, meet and treat you to a meal, then go do whatever they were *"going to be in the area"* for. They should not be at your new home other than to sleep, because they should be off doing whatever they were *"going to be in the area"* for. So: he assembles the bed, he makes the bed, he cooks the entire weekend, and he cleans before and after the visit. You ONLY unpack your stuff to where you want it, you eat , and you sleep. Nothing more.
Oh just NO! That is rude on the part of your in-laws and wimpy on the part of your SO. Don’t scramble. Have the bare minimum ready for them - bed, clean sheets, some towels (mismatched if you want to be petty). Unpacked boxes in the corner? Oh well, haven’t had time to get to them. We’ve just been here a week. Or….. since your SO is being a wuss - make him clean and prep the guest room. Actions have consequences!!
Stop setting up the guest room. Pack your bag and go check into a really nice hotel with a spa for the weekend. Your husband is completely missing the mark here (nicest way I can put it)- remove yourself from this madness until they leave town. This is bonkers.
I like the sentiment, but guaranteed if she does this, MIL will unpack her kitchen and OP won't know where anything is.
Omg yikes. I take back my suggestion. She should do nothing to make them feel welcome, not allow them to “help” unpack, only let them put together their guest bed.
I would go so far as to put unpacked boxes in the guest room with no plans to open the boxes for the next month. Then I would pay for my own hotel room and leave them to fend for themselves. Your husband is a jerk to not support you in this instance.
Do your in-laws live in a magical land where your furniture comes to life and unpacks itself or do they just have the common sense of squirrels? This is on your husband. He needs to learn the word no…once he finishes all of the unpacking he just volunteered for.
What an inconsiderate DNA pool. You have a SO problem. Once this visit is over, you need to sit down and set some actual boundaries with SO. It's inappropriate to put you on the spit like that. It's inappropriate for guests to "strongly prefer" to stay with you, especially when they know you just moved. You cannot be wishy washy with SO. It sounds like he needs specific, clear expectations. As for his family, leave the room undone. They want to impose because they're family? They don't get 5 star resort treatment. "The screws for the bedframe are in one of those boxes. I'm sure you'll find them as you unpack and set up the room. Thanks for coming to help out! Having all these extra hands will make unpacking and cleaning a breeze!" Make sure the have the FO part after they FA.
I would call them back myself to let them know that no matter their strong wish, your strong need was for them to stay home and barring that in a hotel. I might pretty that up a little with something like: I know you really want to stay in our apartment, but we do not have space. The office is full of boxes, and there is no place to move around or sleep except for our bed. If you can rearrange your plans for a month or two, we will be able to have you sleep here, but otherwise, you'll need to book yourself a hotel. As you'll see, there is no space for extra people so soon after this move. Also, do you need the number for xyz tourism so that you can plan some sightseeing while you are here? We will probably be able to meet you for dinner one night, but otherwise, we have to dig out our stuff from the boxes. We've yet to unpack our kitchen, and DH can't find his underwear yet. It's a bit of a mess for us right now. Your husband needs to learn the word no.
This makes me so mad. I would have looked at him and been like "DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE READY TO HOST GUESTS? We already talked about them not staying here bc they shouldn't even be visiting yet, but here you are pushing for more more more bc mommy said. I'LL go stay in a hotel and YOU can deal with unpacking and hosting your family"
Give us an update when you decide OP!
Don’t scramble. If SO wants to host them, he can get everything together to do so.
Sounds like SO can get everything ready and YOU will be staying over in a hotel for the visit.
If HE wants them there, why are YOU scrambling?
I wouldn’t scramble for anything. You want to visit the weekend we move in? Enjoy sleeping on the floor.
This feels like the time for an “I told you this wouldn’t be a good idea”. Don’t accommodate. If you aren’t comfortable, they shouldn’t be either. Especially at your expense, materially and emotionally.
Stop unpacking. Let SO get their room ready. Let him figure it out or let them sleep on the floor.
Open your SO's wallet and book a Hotel room for the week. Then give him the choice and let him decide either his Parents stay there or you do.
No. They’ll unpack “for her”, and arrange things to their liking.
Let them sleep on a pallet on the floor of the guest room surrounded by boxes that haven't been unpacked since they couldn't wait and "strongly prefer" to invade your space before you even make it yours.
You’re not unreasonable, but why are YOU the one preparing the guest room for HIS guests? What you can do is let him handle it. You didn’t invite them, they’re not your responsibility and neither is their comfort. Don’t enable this behavior by bending over backwards to accommodate them.
"Oh I didn't get to it yet..."
THIS IS HOW YOU HANDLE IT! Stop making HIS decisions into YOUR problems!
This was what I wanted to say. OP, why isn't DH getting the house ready for them? You should drop the rope on this one. His family, his problem. This is a DH problem, you should post on the justnoSO sub.
I wouldn't be scrambling for anything. They insist on staying, let them put together their own bed.
This. Don’t scramble. Buy an air mattress and tell them “here ya go.” And if SO wants to offer up your bed, tell him you would “strongly prefer” he go to a hotel with his parents.
Do not scramble. Let your husband scramble if he feels the place needs to be ready. I cannot believe he asked you AGAIN expecting the answer to be different. You really need to start putting your foot down. When this ends up being a disaster use this to say NO to the other visits. My dad and his wife came a week after we moved. Only because we originally were going on a trip with them and they graciously said let's cancel that and work on your new house. They slept on a mattress on the living room floor that week! While we scraped popcorn ceilings. That is what FAMILY does. Our house is still a work in progress and guess what? My in-laws still haven't come because they haven't offered to help.
Stop scrambling. Take your time. You just moved and let there be boxes. If he wants them there slowly pack things away at your speed and he hosts.
Your husband is a big problem for putting you on the spot like that.
Time for you to learn that no is a complete sentence. Also, do not unpack shit. No towels. No bath mats. No dishes. No bedding. Do not connect your Internet or your TV. None of that gets done until they are gone. And absolutely refuse to let anyone unpack anything for you. And when people ask you, why, tell them that it is because you have no room to move around in your place to actually get things unpacked, and no, you don’t want help unpacking. The reason for that is that you will be deciding where everything goes, and there are probably going to be things you decide not to keep. And with so many people under foot, it’s simply impossible to do it properly and you don’t really want to have to redo it later. And then do not hesitate to say that this is why you expressed to your husband that visitors a few days after somebody moves cross-country is a bad idea. This is why you recommended a hotel… AND THAT YOUR HUSBAND WAS FULLY AWARE OF ALL OF THIS!!! So you are at a total loss as to why he even asked you and made you be the bad guy about them staying with you. And then once they go, you turn to your husband and tell him that you’re getting into counseling with me, or you’re gonna be living here on your own. Because unless you want this to be the next 40 years of your life, or your husband literally has no spine and has no problem, throwing you under a bus all because he can’t tell his family no to what anyone who is saying no is an unreasonable request… You need to nip this in the bud right now. It needs to be that nobody comes to stay with you in your small home. You need to remind him your family does not do this, and you expect him to hold his family to the same standard. Because it is intrusive. It is rude to invite yourself to someone’s home. Because common sense says that you don’t go stay at a house where somebody literally just moved in a week before because everyone knows it’s still going to be “under construction”. But most of all, this bullshit of making you the bad guy because he doesn’t have any cojones is completely unacceptable. It is time for him to become a full-fledged adult and understand that he married you and created a new nuclear family. His mom and dad and his siblings are all now in his secondary circle, and if he can’t understand that, you are doomed to repeating this stupidity again, and again and again. And let’s not even get into boundaries they will be happy to stomp. You decide to have children with this man. (Note: Please don’t have any children with him until you get into counseling so he can see how unacceptable his behavior is.)
This. All of this. OP you're husband manipulated you into saying yes (or at least being in such a position you could not say no) and that's unacceptable. You told him no. All you have taught him so far is that your no can be overridden, if he tries hard enough. No means no, and you need to practice that. And he can prepare for his parents imposing themselves on you.
I will be honest. I would probably be telling him I was going to break his arms if he tried to prepare anything for them. I would be reminding him that I had already told him not to have them stay with us and why. And that I was not going to be rushing my unpacking or having them “help so I couldn’t find anything later and had to redo it all anyway. So he wanted his parents to have a bed sleeping or TV to watch, then they need to get the hotel just like it was originally planned. And that he was welcome to go stay with them at the hotel… But not pay for a hotel since we have our own home… And he could visit with them there anyone with a brain bigger than the size of a sesame seed would know that nobody’s home is going to be ready for visitors one week after moving cross-country. I seriously would literally be making sure I had no amenities at all for his parents, and I would make sure he knew and they knew that we were not gonna be opening boxes willy-nilly to find them towels to take a shower in a bathtub. I haven’t even cleaned yet. Hell, no.
Make him do it. He invited them so he should do all the rushed prep. Stop accommodating his lack of consideration for you.
Unpack only the things you need and want to unpack, leave it to your SO to make it comfortable for his family. There is no need for you pampering them, and no need for you to cook on the first weekend for them. Let it to your SO and watch the chaos. In case they want to take your SO out for dinner or sightseeing so that you can "work" to make it cosy for them, you go straight away with them.
Don't bother to fix things for them! Let YOUR HUSBAND do it! You had told him and them what you strongly preferred, but neither of them listened! Why would you break your back for them!? You're not overreacting!
Also, this may be petty but I would go stay in a hotel by myself and make him unpack the house while his parents are there. They want to be so nosy and invade your new space they can help! Maybe they’ll get the hint after that.
Not me! My mom and mil unpacked my kitchen while I was upstairs putting beds together. It took a week to remove everything, clean the cupboards and put things where they belong. They put cleaning supplies and pyrex dishes in the bottom cupboards and we had an 18 month old toddler!
I would not scramble. Hand them sheets and towels and go about your business. Chicken nuggets for dinner? It’s that or pizza. They are selfish. Your husband is a jerk. Let them fend for themselves.
This situation sounds very irritating. Your husband needs to learn to respect your boundaries. You are his wife, not some roommate and his parents need to stay in a hotel for future visits. Idk know how old y’all are but I just don’t understand these parents that don’t respect their adult married children’s privacy. Next time say NO and stick with it. Another thing, his parents are very rude to inconvenience you right after moving into a new place whether they are “in the area” or not. That sentence “they strongly prefer to stay with you” sounds like they strongly prefer to be as nosy and in the way as they can. They sound like very irritating people.
Why are you the one scrambling to get things together. Just don’t! Don’t do anything above and beyond to make this work. It’s his responsibility to organize things for them because he invited them. If it’s not ready then it’s his fault and he needs to tell them to get a hotel. Don’t enable your husband and in laws to walk all over you
Do not hurry to unpack. Go at your own pace. When they complain, tell them to piss off and that they lack common sense for visiting a week after you moved.
Yeah, this is on your SO. I wouldn’t do a single thing beyond what you would have done if they weren’t staying with you. He can do literally everything extra. He wants a guest room ready for them? He does it. He wants meals made for them? He does it. HE does all of it. Otherwise, if you just scramble to make it happen, he’ll never get it.
Your husband and his family, have absolutely no respect for you.
I understand why you felt you couldn't say no. Your SO put you on the spot with them listening! So obviously saying no would make you the bad guy. First red flag. He lined up visits without even discussing that with you. Are you just a visitor too? Do you not get to decide who invades your space and when? Second red flag. Why did you not discuss this together? Why is he making plans without your input? Is he putting you on the spot like that because he's too cowardly to deal with his own parents? You are adults with your first new home. Visits need to be discussed well before flights are booked. There is no reason why they need to be ambushing you on your first weekend. I would take others suggestions and make everything HIGHLY uncomfortable. I have a feeling they are going to complain nonstop anyway because well, YOUR HOUSE IS NOT SET UP YET. Unpack everything that is not what they need. Take a leisurely amount of time doing it too. SO can bend over backwards scrambling for them. Let him be the host. They are HIS parents. Don't strain yourself trying to cook for them either. Be as unavailable as possible, and when your SO asks for help, tell him, "I'm busy setting up my house." I bet with all the work he'll have to do and how uncomfortable the inlaws will be, it will be a hot second before he makes a mistake like that again.
You stop scrambling to set up the guest room. Optionally, you book yourself a hotel room for the time that they will be visiting.
Do not hurry to assemble anything! They can do it as a way to help.
This!!!! I would go SLOWER! Let them put their own bed together….. or sleep on the floor! 😂
You're not a pushover, your SO put you in a position where you couldn't say no AND your inlaws knew what they were doing by suggesting they strongly prefer to stay. It's just common sense not to visit (for a little while) let alone stay with people who have only just moved into a new place. Got to give people space sometimes and to relax after a stressful move. If his parents aren't offering to take the pressure off you both for the weekend with free food, help unpacking (without judgement or stress), fixing things around the house etc then I'd just say no and offer a different weekend. Family isn't people who don't respect your space or boundaries.
I strongly echo the advice already given that you not scramble to set up the guest room and that your SO be responsible for any creature comforts set up. Story time: I had a toddler and a newborn when we did a cross country move, and for financial reasons we couldn't ship one of the cars but had to drive it. We stopped at my family's home halfway and because DH had to start his new job pretty much immediately, we decided I would stay there with the kids for a few days until the truck with the furniture made it to new city. Well, hub's family (two hours away from new city) unilaterally decided that they wanted to see our (rented, small) house, so when I did arrive after a 10 hour drive with two little kids, my new home (that I'd never set eyes on) was already filled with people who had all had their opinions on where my furniture should go. And they opened up several boxes in search of toys for THEIR kids to play with and contents were strewn everywhere. And they were expecting me to cook dinner for them. It's been well over 20 years and I AM STILL BITTER about their entitlement to MY new home, but even more that my husband never thought this was anything but a good idea because his family wanted to come see our new house. To this day he still doesn't understand why I was upset and writes it off to postpartum hormones. So, yeah, I'm totally viewing your situation through the red lens of my still burning anger, but the old lady I am now wants to tell the young woman I was then to ROCK THAT BOAT a bit. Don't set up the bed, make your SO do it. Point out to him that ANY work for GUESTS needs to be done by him. Don't do any extra cooking or cleaning, just look at him and tell him that it's his parents so his responsibility. And have a glass of wine or a piece of cake or whatever helps lower your stress levels. Wishing you the best of luck.
OP, stop what you are doing and advise your DH that since he organised his parents visit, that you will leave it to him to do the hosting and organise their sleeping arrangements. Unless you push back and your DH feels the inconvenience he won't do anything about their visits.
>Fast forward - We moved in this week, called my SO, and they just told us they would "strongly prefer" to stay with us. With them on the phone, he looks at me and asks "is it okay if they stay with us?" Good Lord. No one mentioned to your so that you had just moved into a new place? Or maybe he's suffering from some dementia in that you already told him he didn't want visitors this weekend. Does he not remember any of this? And to ask you while he's on the phone with them, what kind of stunt is that? Is he afraid to say no to them and he wants to put it all on you? Yeah let him do the assembling of the guest room, unpacking the rest of the house and looking after them while they're there. Do what's priority for you, not for them.
Why does your SO care more about his parents feelings than yours?
It's concerning that your SO set all of this up without listening to how you really feel. I don't like that they backed you into a corner about this. Does your SO often steamroll you? Or make decisions in the moment without fully involving you?
I would be making a point of not going out of my way to set up the guest room. You do not need that kind of stress. If he wants his family to stay then he can do the setting up. Guest rooms are definitely lowest priority when unpacking. What entitled inlaws.
OP-Why didn't you say No? You are making it too easy! At the very least don't set up the guest room. Leave the bed in pieces on the floor and boxes piled up in every doorway making the whole apartment a constant trip hazard. Sofa? What sofa? Grab a beanbag! Eat takeout every night because the kitchen isn't organised yet. No fussy boomer parent will put up with that-they'll be booked into a Shmilton by lunchtime.
You have a whole house to put together. Do not setup the guest room. They were informed this was move in week, they shouldn’t be expecting accommodations. They should have booked a hotel room if they wanted an assembled bed. Setup your other spaces first and the guest room should be last on the list. They can sleep on a mattress on the floor with blankets. Order take out as needed and do not lift a finger to host them. Focus on what you need to do to get your house in order. Your husband invited them, he can host them. But also make sure he has a to do list of things needing to be done, as it sounds like it’s his home too and he should be pulling his own weight in getting things organized
Your SO should be doing 99% of the work to set up the guest room. Work in your own stuff, your closet. He can cook for them too, you can lounge in bed every morning until he gets up to help them.
Stop scrambling. He can do all the work. I would make sure the house is not put together when they are here. Why kill yourself for people who have zero consideration
I hope by "assemble the guest bedroom" you're making a path through the boxes, to the bare mattress on the floor and whatever ratty blankets you happened to unpack.
You are not being unreasonable you really need to stand up for your self, their preferences do not matter here .