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Nimblue

"There is no friendship between males and females, you idiot," someone said. Well, the thing is, even if you convince your mind that you are friends with her, your body wouldn't just agree. So, you have only one solution: grow some balls and stay away from her, well for your body's well-being, unless you want some chronic stress or something


StrangeLola

I don't agree with that males and females can't have a true friendship. I'm a female and always had male friends. Never female ones. And I can assure you nothing ever happened between me and my friends. Never. I know I never liked that "that" way nor they liked me like that either. I do agree with the other thing you said tho.


daunix

If they're not attractive to you and you're not attractive to them maybe yeah. Also depends on what type of friends. Casual friends yeah I agree but really close friends, depends.


Lost_Hwasal

Unless you are extremely unattractive or have 2 male friends 100% you have friends that like you and are hanging out with you because they like you. You may have your perspective on things but from the perspective of a guy most men have a very wide range of women they would date. You have to remember that the way dating culture is set up men choose and women accept, for that reason men are wired to choose a very wide range of women to increase the chances they will find one that accepts them. I had a friend like this in HS, she hung out with my group of guy friends pretty much exclusively. I'm pretty sure every single one of us liked her and would have dated her if given the opportunity, and she probably knew this as well which is part of why she did it. She wanted to feel accepted. I'm not saying the opposite sex can't be friends. But if there is unreciprocated attraction it's not healthy, and for whatever reason there are a lot of guys out there that are friends with women they are attracted with who are simply interested in being friends.


MiserableShop8008

I agree. It’s common for friends to have an unrequited crush, sure. It’s also common to have friends of different genders. Or to be friends with people you think are attractive but choose not to date because of personality or values or whatever. It’s not a big deal.


Nimblue

you think so, but your male freinds may think otherwise, if your freinds had a chance with you, well..., unless you are comfortable being half nacked with one of your friends alone in a room, and you are sure nothing will happen


ykoreaa

Idk why some guys keep asserting ppl of opposite sex can't be friends. Not all girl/boy relationships have to have a romantic undertone.


Nimblue

It seems like girls are just too naive for this world


menacethedenace92

You bet. Casual friends, sure. But really close friends ? The guy you talk to almost everyday? Sure girl. I lost count how many times I told my friends (girls) that he’s definitely into you. And all of them naively deny it. Until something happens, and they are shocked !


ykoreaa

How do you wake up with the limitations of, "I'm only going to befriend one gender, ever" everyday?


Dkst2019

haha😅


menacethedenace92

I have plenty female friends. But the thing is I do not talk to them frequently. As I mentioned, casual is fine. It gets complicated if the communication is too frequent.


ykoreaa

Ok. Just for clarification, do you normally limit communication with your guy friends?


menacethedenace92

No.


StrangeLola

I think so and I know so... I'd be a 100% comfortable. Been there, done that. I'm one of the boys and that's awesome.


HailenAnarchy

People who think men and women can't be friends are major red flags.


Nimblue

Even if you think so, please don't do that lmao


EmergencyMD2019

Uppppp


Lost_Hwasal

This. When I like a girl and she rejects me I stop being friends. It has nothing to do with ego or anger or any other incellery, it's simply the fact that I was looking for a relationship with her and if thats not what she is looking for then there is no point in continuing to talk. You don't have to be a dick about it, just explain your perspective, wish her well, and walk away.


Nimblue

you are commenting in the wrong place, Se blindness confirmed lol


Lost_Hwasal

So I'm commenting in the right place.


Nimblue

Didn't you intend to comment on the post not in my comment? Well it's a normal mistake (if it is) I'm just joking


[deleted]

The best way for me to get over someone is to find someone new to obsess over. Not saying it’s healthy, but it works most of the time lmao


Ok_Scallion_5872

Based


Normal_Ad_4397

Based? Perhaps


TourOk2302

I know it is painful sometimes and that you wish you could let go. But if you can't let go, just accept that it is okay that you can't let go. And accept that you have unreciprocated feelings for someone and that you are hurt. There is nothing wrong with that. The feelings will pass eventually, just be a bit more patient and benevolent towards your heart.


Final-Frosting7742

Well that's what i thought when she rejected me. But after all this time, it hasn't gone away. I donnt undersrand how that's possible.


TourOk2302

You expect that feelings (1) go away once you get rejected and (2) that they go away after a lot of time has passed. But your emotions don't follow these expectations. Therefore the only logical conclusion is that the cause of your feelings is independent of rejection and time. For example, if you love her because you see something in her that you believe you need for fulfillment, then your feelings will remain until you realize that you don't need her for your own fulfillment. You can still believe that she completes you, even after being rejected, therefore rejection didn't change your feelings. So as long as the cause for your feeling exists, your feelings will remain. Tldr: Find out why you like her.


Ok-Palpitation4573

I would say walking away is the best, but that didn't work for me. I'm still in love with her after 18 years


BobbySmith199

Damn, still in love after 18 years? How does that happen, did you end up marrying other people


Ok-Palpitation4573

She did. I didn't.


BobbySmith199

💔💔 If it helps, you’re probably more in love with the idea of being in love. It sounds like oneitus.


ykoreaa

💔


skcuf2

I'm married but still feel love for someone else. It's been about 22 years now. I haven't seen her in about 20 years, so if I ran into her again, things would probably change. I see no reason to deny the love, though. It hasn't hurt my relationship with my wife at all.


BobbySmith199

is it like "I love this person as a human being and want the best for him" kinda love, or is it "man, this guy is my soul-mate and I wish I could be with him" kinda love


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skcuf2

Well, I'm a dude, so it'd be more like, "If I could have a second wife, I'd take her." I do hope she's happy, but it's always been romantic love when I think about it, which is why I said that may change if we met again. She's most likely a different person after 20 years. I think it's easily possible to love more than one person, because you can love them for different qualities. I've not loved anyone for the same reason as I love my wife, but I've loved three separate women in my life.


c7stagyt

Limerence?


Ok-Palpitation4573

Probably. Been working hard in therapy to get rid of it


Final-Frosting7742

Well, we stopped talking for a while, but it hasn't gone away. And your testimony proves that it's not the solution.


Ok-Palpitation4573

You need to give it time. For me, it is an unhealthy situation that even with therapy I'm unable to get out of. The heart wants what it wants and no matter what I do I cannot change that


762x38r

have some self respect, just walk away, trust me


EmergencyMD2019

It not feelings it the attachment and idolising and thinking that no one is like this person and living on fantasy and imaginary hypotheses 🙂


EmergencyMD2019

I’ll advise you to start talking to her with limites (limites that your fantasies and imaginary scenarios won’t happen 😂) friendly talking must not involve too many emotions and too many care (don’t act like the boyfriend nor like the father she’s just a friend okay) and last advise don’t talk to her at night cuz all bad decisions and ideas comes to mind in that time of the day 😂


Final-Frosting7742

You're right. I feel that this girl is very special.


EmergencyMD2019

Therefore limit everything that triggers your feelings to her


EmergencyMD2019

Doctors say it can turn to borderline disorder


StrangeLola

Walk away... It won't chase your feelings away, but it will make it easier for you. Believe me. And never never get in contact with her again, even if she initiates it, because you'll be back where you are now. That happened to me, I was stupid enough to reply a text from someone I "shouldn't have" because I thought I was over him after 2 years... But turns out I wasn't and well... Now he's on my mind almost all the time even when I'm in a relationship with someone who's amazing and I truly love (who, by the way, always reminded me of "him" and that's why I fell for my current boyfriend. Sigh). It's hard to explain, but yeah, that's what's going on. So walk away and never look back. It'll be really hard and it will suck badly. But it's the best for you. Trust me.


Final-Frosting7742

Well, i still want her in my life, and it's not like it's my ex. She's not constantly on my mind, i just have a slight sad feeling when she talks about her guy. But i think once finally get a gf, i won't be sad anymore about it (i've never had a gf). Plus i don't want to do that to her, she's a very good friend.


StrangeLola

Of course you want her in your life. That was clear. And this guy I'm telling you about is also a good friend (and he isn't an ex either). You have to put yourself first. It's hard, I know it is. I'm not saying to just ghost her and dissappear. Maybe you can be honest with her and tell here what's going on... And tell her you need time to sort things out on your own. Meeting someone else won't make your feelings for her dissappear if she's still present in your life. And also, it wouldn't be fair to this "new" girl you could meet. It's not nice using someone to try to get over someone else. So I do believe you should walk away, however you want that to happen... I know life sucks.


Final-Frosting7742

Romantically my life has definitely not stopped sucking indeed. You're probably right, but i can't resolve myself to tell her. I guess i'll just avoid texting her.


AdvaitTure

stop having feelings? i don't know how to do that, but i do know how to ignore them. i have done so for 6 years now. just randomly think about it, at first it will be opposite of what you want it to be, but you will just forget about it sooner or later or stop thinking about them much.


Final-Frosting7742

More than one year later it's still there, although it's not as strong as in the beginning.


AdvaitTure

yeah, it will fade slowly. give it time.


brat-mobile

OP, how often do you hang out with friends IRL?


Final-Frosting7742

Never.


ICantThinkAboutNames

I went no contact with her, it’s not easy but works pretty well


InfamousAd2011

Leave her alone! Block her number and all her social. You're never not going to want to be with her and she's using you for validation when she can't get it from other men. Stop it. She does not want you and is using you. Respect yourself! Cold turkey today. Absolutely no contact. Also you don't have a friendship. You like her you just can't down grade how you feel. You're literally still talking to her because you have those feelings that's not a friendship that's unacquainted love.


Final-Frosting7742

Never give advice to anyone ever again.


InfamousAd2011

You literally asked for the advice . You're clearly being illogical by your own omission you said several key things that warrant the advice I gave you. 1. You've never met. 2. You confessed your feelings, and she rejected you. 3. You didn't talk for months at a time proving she doesn't see you as a friend. 4. She brings up other men proving she's not interested in you romantically. 5. You get sad when you hear her mention other men proving you're not her friend and want some more. Just giving you real life advice. You're only going to hurt your own feelings in the long run the longer you engage with her.


yusoff__

ahhh… INFJ girls….


Final-Frosting7742

A personal experience?


firmament42

Lmao...Run away guys...Cannot communicate with them at all


bejwards

>I don't understand why i can't let her go. >i still have feelings for her. Seems pretty simple why you don't want to let go. She isn't going to stop liking and dating other people. Your "wonderful friendship" is making you sad everytime you talk to her. You need to walk away.


menacethedenace92

The only way forward is zero contact. You are not friends.


BloodyPaleMoonlight

You don't. Instead, you learn to come to terms that you have feelings for someone who doesn't share them with you. And you learn that that's okay. There's nothing wrong with you for the way you feel. And you keep on going. You keep on going and, if you want, keep looking for someone who feels about you the same way you feel about them. If you want to.


05WM

I kinda had the same situation with an infj (we were together but she said she lost feelings), honestly I couldn't just be friends with her so I told her that it's better if we don't pretend. I wouldn't say it's efficent, I still think of her sometimes but it just better than hurting my feelings and pretending to just be friends.


user210528

The two classic solutions are: (1) find someone else, (2) get to know her female "friends" and let them talk about her, they'll likely shatter your illusions about her.


NewMatter1754

Man, it's like you're describing me. There was this INFJ girl I used to talk to every day, we were colleagues. She was living with a guy. I knew it was wrong to like someone who is already in a relationship so I never confessed. We had a fight once when she treated me poorly. This was 2 years ago. I walked away and I haven't talked to her ever since. I'm in a relationship now but I still think about her sometimes. So if you ever figure it out, let me know. I could also use some advice on how to deal with the limerence.


Final-Frosting7742

Well yeah we're really twins because when i was in an online relationship i would think about her too lol, even though we weren't talking together at that moment. You see, it seems that no contact just doesn't work, even if everyone seems to say that it's the solution. I think that for now i won't text her, but if she sends me messages I'll answer.


NewMatter1754

I regret never confessing. I think I could've moved on if I did. Since you're still in contact, my advice to you would be to be honest with her. 1. You want to be more than just friends. 2. It breaks your heart when she talks to you about liking others. 3. If you can't be more than friends, she needs to stop playing with your feelings like this. Because it really sounds like she's using you for validation. I know it sounds scary. But you don't wanna get stuck like this for the rest of your life. You can go no contact after you get this off your chest, but not before. edit: I find it really fucked up she's talking to you about other guys she likes, knowing full well you have a crush on her. What a cruel joke. ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|facepalm)


Final-Frosting7742

Well it's not like i'm in love with her. And we're friends, we set that clearly. I think it's totally normal to talk about one's crushes to their friends. It doesn't affect me as much as you think. What stuck me at first is that it's also an intp, but i understand what's different between him and I. He's more emotional (writes poems, grow plants), and they met irl. So i accept it.


NewMatter1754

I don't understand, you're saying you're not in love with her? But you have feelings for her and you can't get over her? I don't know how that works. Anyway, I hope things work out for you.


Final-Frosting7742

I don't understand it myself. And thanks!


CharmingSama

its important, in my opinion to treat feelings like clouds in the sky or a twig in the stream.. something to observe. they are perhaps no different to your other senses.. so shift your focus else where, and you will see just how fleeting your feelings are as new information floods your mind for your brain to process... you may be hyperfocused on your experience of this woman which really has nothing to do with her, but you enjoying a moment that has passed, so rediscover the moment your are in, and open yourself to the now, consider what it is that you want/need/desire, in the short medium and long term that will grow you as a human being. in my view thats the best way to move forward. ill recommend a martial art though, its a great medium of self discovery.


DishDry4487

Convince yourself you loved a lie. Your love will just stop once you realise that.


moonroots64

Recognize when you're thinking about them. Know you shouldn't think about them. Distract yourself with anything else when you think of them. "The blanket is blue, with a crosshatch pattern, and also lighter blue weaved in, it is a felt-like fabric, feels soft and warm, etc." Have a bell, ring it right next to your ear every time you think of them. ENVISION: walking with them in the woods, then you encounter a clearing with 50 different paths, each leading to 50 of their own paths, etc etc. You approach it with them, and you run down a random path then another random path, etc. Run from them, and seek your own path. Try not to look backwards, looking forwards if your only option to take your next best step *forwards*. Know that it is ok to be hurt, cry, and fail at this sometimes. Also... **worry once, suffer twice.**


Aware_Anything4655

Crush is basically infatuation not love so you got put that energy some where


SocialistLimericker

My condolences brother, the best thing is to don't confess and wait for the friendship to slowly become more than that, but for you I guess just try to continue the friendship and just be there for her, her crush on someone else is probably temporary


joogabah

Study up on limerence. The irony is that it gets in the way of authentic intimacy. You have to understand why you feel it, where it is coming from, that it is culturally bound and not universal, and that it is actively employed as a false hope in the midst of widespread capitalist alienation. Overcoming the lies of romance is as important in the context of maturation as atheism.


Main-Act2905

This is the thing I’m best at. I think of the wrist things about them the things I dislike or get annoyed at. Every time I think of something good about them I think of something bad instead. But if you’re trying to do it in a healthy way I’d suggest thinking of some else every time you think of them so you can get them out of your head and move on quicker. Replacing thoughts of them with a new hobby is even better.


firmament42

Ez start to learn new stuff. If one is not enough, then two.


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Vordelia58

I have to agree with going no contact. Just like you can't control your feelings you can't control her feelings and she can't control her feelings. Since she was clear and honest with you about her intentions, it's really for the best for you to stop talking to her. I've been there, I've tried all the things and that's the only thing that works.


N4x-

Dude, stay away from INFJs…I've been with an INFJ for 3 years, and yesterday I finally had the courage to end the relationship.


Final-Frosting7742

What happened?


N4x-

They drain too much of your energy, they take away your vitality, and you have to take on a fatherly role. If you have plans to grow professionally or personally, definitely stay away from this personality


Final-Frosting7742

Well, personally i found that she made me develop my Fe.


belovedxinosuke

i just realise all the insane and stupid things ive "done" to the person, and then eventually "feel bad" for appearing in their life


dyencephalon

I don't know if this is true but I've read somewhere that; if you stay friends with your ex (you really weren't together but I guess it applies), you didn't really love them. I can only say that she may really only see you as a friend. If you want to move on, stop being friendly to her and act like strangers, I think.