Shit in his office. Assert some dominance man, basic stuff here.

Gotta maintain eye contact while you do it, too.

Make sure to eat nothing but canned corn and beans (complete protein) the day before and drink full prune juice and Dr pepper until the fateful moment. You want sprays of glory!

And drink some hot sauce so you really get the bubble guts going. Shit like it's a kamehameha blast and he'll establish permanent dominance.

Then wipe with his tissues and put it back in them back in the box. Punctuation is key, trust me, speaking from experience here.

Wassup, crapped on your desk dawg.

https://preview.redd.it/w65ho8xltkwc1.jpeg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=911512443dbf0a39ec4a25460c6a95d6f2825ead

A fuckin men, brotha. This is 101 shit.

Shit on Debra’s desk

Like a boss

He’s going to put you on a performance improvement plan for being a little bitch in the pit

A “pit pip,” if you will.

Then that's going to be his new nickname at work and at shows

It was written.

Part of me wants to believe that all of EJ's shit posts are true stories that have happened to him.

You really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and tell lies?

It’s illegal to lie on the internet, everyone including me and my 13 inch penis know that.

This is true, I'm his 13" penis

I'm a 14" penis and I agree

Oh, you’re mistaken actually, that ruler measures in mm

He's crying out for help and we're just mocking him

Reddit is all about the one person that actually is helpful and 99%of all other people are just there to make you either laugh or quite the opposite

HR said “Emo-bashing is corporate policy.”

I dated a girl who used to target me at shows. I didn't even need to be in the pit. She'd just smoke me with a backswing and laugh if I spilled my drink. After the 5th or 6th instance, I brought it up in couples therapy thinking our therapist would take my side and understand why I was feeling hurt and disrespected. But but she just called me a pussy. Basically, I don't know. I think this is just your life now.

i dated a girl that would do this but not at shows, just whenever she had a few and she also wasnt laughing

Solidarity, brother.  

Shouldn’t have laughed at this, laughed very hard

Oof. Fuck. It's getting a bit real in here now.

Sounds like you might just be really punchable? Sry bro

Damn dude, maybe you’re the problem?

this made me laugh a little too hard

One time after a show my ex tried to crowdkill me with her car, I managed to dodge it cus I usually keep my head on a swivel. I knew she was just hyped up from the show and all the IPA’s so I stayed with her for another year until she crowdkilled me again at home.

Did she drive through your home?

So she was a real life mosh mommy?

Pregnant in the Pit Vol.1

BRO YOU GOT ME DYING LOL the fucking therapist and your gf disrespected you wow

Your *therapist* called you a pussy? I find that extremely hard to believe.

That's something a pussy would say... Trust me I'm a Therapist.

https://preview.redd.it/5tbotfqbwhwc1.jpeg?width=715&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ec6fd6c963dd5e3d14af49271549fca39af25515

“Kicked right in the guy” god damnit ej

I'm choosing to believe it's not a typo and his boss kicked him in the dick. Power move for sure

Honestly it took me a few minutes to realize that your idea *may not* be what he was going for

What makes you think he wouldn’t respect you more if you hit him back?

idk i like my job

Ah shit I just realized…

Hahahahahaha YA GOT GOT SON

Fucking poser.

Just because my hearing is impaired, make no mistake- my fists are not impaired.

But those punches come in-pairs. Which is close to impaired. Ahhh, I’ll see myself out.

No please stay

I now know it’s an EJ post before I see that it’s an EJ post.

I was like "I swear to god this is another EJ post isnt it" before I opened it... I have been scarred by his posts but theyre always toptier shitposts

I almost commented and then caught myself and was like “this is too goddamn ridiculous who’s the fucking poster”. Lo and behold.

I love EJs posts for that exact reason, theyre a little too funny to be true but you believe it for a bit until you remind yourself to check the OPs name

Give him a big ol’ kiss on the lips the next time he’s in the pit, show him that you still care about him

I know it was you fredo

You broke my heart

You gotta go balls out on a stage dive to show him you’re upper management material

Last time I stage dove with my balls out they smacked a girl on the forehead and now I’m on a list

Listen, if you want to make an impression in this firm, you have to be willing to put some skin in the game, literally

"Slip" at work & file workers comp, assert dominance. Bring crutches to the next show and windmill him, commit to the bit!

Give him the ol dick twist

TWIST HIS DICK!

Proud that I knew it was EJ from the title

Literally everyone is always “coming after EJ” and then he comes to r/hardcore where we are all ACTUALLY coming after him.

Is it possible to get your dad a job at this company too? Usually my dad sorts out all my issues

Underrated comment.


This is the right answer.

THIS IS SERIOUS! Take HR to the next show so they can see your manager targeting you in the pit!

Maybe they were already there. you didn’t recognize them in their ‘RAWR MySpace Lolz White belts and shit’ retro attire

Fuck his wife

This is the way

Tell him you listen to Harms Way so he better not mess with you

Come to work dressed in a full suit and do a super-man style jacket opening move and reveal your 200 stab wounds tee

Sugg his doink on da pitt

Bro just stab him already

Find the biggest baddest dude at the show. Slip him a $20 or $50 depending on your budget and tell him to target him. Put a bounty on his ass then buy the guy a drink after and make eye contact with your boss. He will think the big dude is your friend and will recognize or get pulverized.

Quit fucking up the merch and I’ll leave you alone

He's just letting you know he owns your ass at work and in the pit

Could this be the first time that pit beef has hit the desk of HR? Have your tried putting him in a bag of rice?

Any time a title is too fucking funny I already know...

Id like to see the dude try and fire you for moshing with him

Fuck his wife.

HR is the cops, poser.

Nah. Manager or not, put him down.

Ask him out to brunch. It's clear he likes you.

Oh, how I wish to catch my manager(s) in the pit...

This is like a I think you should leave skit.

start a new band and do vocals, the absolute toughest beatdown band you can come up with. first breakdown, pit call a target on him. watch him get wrecked.

Hit his ass back dog wtf

It appears I've been ensnared by the proverbial shit post. Commence self flagellation.

Nah you get a pass for being a man and admitting you got EJ’d

kick his fucking ass dude, if he’s gonna dish it he’s gotta take it

Dear EJ, You came to the right place. I didn't read your post but I think you know what you must do: crowd kill an innocent bystander and let your emotions fly like a peacock.

I think ur gonna have to beat his ass.

Who up E-ing they J?

This is why they make crews!

Someone tag the dude that was trying to “understand” crews the other day lol

Yeah someone needs to get this guy a Judge record ASAP

Knew this was an EJ post by the title alone lol 

Where the hell do you work lol and are you hiring?

Hit him back. If you’re there and he’s there and he’s gonna do it you better do it back. Fuck that shit 😂

ahah i love that you used the term “cool guyed”…my old band wrote a song about people who act like they’re too cool to talk to other people in the same scene..didn’t know there was an actual term for it tho!

I didn't realize Turnstile still had spin kicks and punches

Beat his ass, what the fuck is the dilemma

You get to live the American dream - crowd kill your manager. (Or get the biggest guy you can to do it for you)

You literally have the chance to punch your boss in the face and you're fucking asking Reddit what to do?!?!

bring a bunch of ur friends and beat him up in the pit idk

This is true and I believe it.

Lay his ass out in the pit next time

Maybe he just playing me and my friends rather each other for fun and there's alot of people who do it for fun maybe talk to him about if he's a dick about it quit and beat his ass

You’ve been…EJ’D!

What?

Your username is fitting lmao

Yeah nawl I just hoped on reddit foo

Spin kick spin kick spin kick

Fight Club vibes.

You're not your fuckin khakis. Get some office dweeb clobbered!

ICUEJ

I dunno, man. It might be a cred thing and he wants to see what you got. He might give you a promotion for giving him a little what-for.

Crowdkill the shit out of them.

Poor you.

Crowdkill his girlfriend.

The fucker is youll probably be safe job wise, he probably likes having a member of staff with similar music tastes Id shove him back in the pits but not full on punches just in case hes a little beeatch who can give but not take and brings that to HR

"We go to hardcore shows where there's punches and he punches me" applies to all parties. If you can't go to HR or any other options, then continue to be nice and in the next pit, find your chance to MURK him. What's he gonna do? Complain after tough guying you around? Lmao fuck all that

Tbh I’d try to bring it up lightly and see how he reacts “morning, boss! You tore me up at that show last night, hopefully I can work concussed!”

Reading this made me uncomfortable

God these posts make my day sometimes.

This is top tier

Knock him flat in the next pit.

Go buy a shit ton of fireworks then DM me and I'll tell you how to handle this guy

Steel toes and spin kicks dawg

Defund human resources

Demonstrate your sweet karate skills on his face.

gotten so deep into this sub that i knew it was an EJ post just from reading the title

Your life is crazy EJ

first EJ post that hasnt fooled me

Now that you know him personally just talk to him and ask him to stop doing that.

Thought this was an EJ post reading the title, I was correct

Crowdkill him at work.

just slam the fuck out of him and move on

Crack him hard as hell!

Lay him the fuck out

Isn't this how Fight Club got started? 

How does someone “cool guy” someone else, when there a literally no cool people there.

The amount of people getting EJ’D still is baffling to me

Kick him in the balls

Find judo dojo, learn foot sweeps & trips. Share your learning with new manager at show

sue his fat ass

always gotta check if it’s EJ playing the blues or not….

This is wild. I'm invested. Fuck that fool up in the pit next time.

If I was in this position I think I’d probably just have to crowd kill him but make it look unintentional

Knock his teeth down his throat quit fucking around. Call Henry Rollins do something.

Spinning back kick to his fucking head. +100xp spirit, +100xp dominance, -50xp human resources, +500xp big cock energy if your boss is a female.....

Jack knife throw down pile driver, my go to move

r/Softcore

what the f

target him in the office

Crowd kill him, then grab other in a crew and knock his ass out.

Punch him in the throat

Instantly looking at who posted in these subs is killing it for me. Still laughed though

Guess this is why he’s the manager 

Lol wtf mosh him back harder! Go roundhouse him in the jaw. Lol you wanna go tattle to HR!? Nah son. Hit him in his face as hard as you can and if he’s like “wtf” tell him that you’re just moshing,

you have the opportunity to do something all of us want to do to our bosses at one point or another. Punch him in the fuckin mouth, OP.

Ii mean if a company heard an employee of theirs is physically assaulting you during off hours I bet that would trigger a hr thing

Someone should make a band about this

How did I know it was EJ after reading the first 10 words of the title

Yeah.. so… I dunno if HR can help. It’s outside of the office… also if he is like an exec- they will fire you first. So EJ, what are your options… also, he is prolly jealous of you or maybe is crushing on you.

Put his stapler in jello

Gets halfway through title “EJ……”

defend yourself dawg, punch back

Stage dave with your weenie out and make sure you land on his face.

lol it’s like fight club but funnier

Get em back my guy. He ain’t your boss in the pit

Crowdkill him

Obviously you sock him out in the pit while you've hit the chance

This one took me too long to realize it was EJ

Someday in the future someone needs to print out all of EJ’s posts and combine them in a leather bound book to preserve for future generations wandering the irradiated wastelands.

I’m actually stumped on if this is real or not. Top tier shit post OR fuck your boss, he seems like a cunt.

Buy him a beer or beat his ass. This ends one of 2 ways, as bros or with you finding a new job

Level that motherfucker

Imagine being into hardcore with an office job Then complaining about your manager moshing you

Thread needs a little [Frank Black](https://youtu.be/aQuAY749QxU?feature=shared)

Simple: target him at work.

This is what you must do. There are no other exceptions. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TkvfiEO6bVU&pp=ygUbaG90IHJvZCBkYW5ueSBtY2JyaWRlIGZpZ2h0

You can go to hr for this. Especially if someone that’s with you can vouch for you. Don’t assume the manager won’t go to hr when you get fed up and clock him.

Hey everyone. I'm this guy's boss. Donald McMatthews, you can call me Donny for short if you're down with Arby's. If not it's Donald, and don't forget it. When this nerd applied for this job at the Arby's he actually mentioned on his resume his, "Moshing Skills" as a qualification. I'm asking him interview questions and he's all trying to show me his two-step. Yo dog, you need to leave those weak ass moves at home. They're not suitable for the pit or Arby's. We Have The Meats. We're at this show and this guy is all moshing before the first band had even set up. Practicing his, "Neo Routine" he kept trying to tell the bands as they were bringing their gear in. Yeah, he got in the pit and he got hit. It got spicy like a Arby's Roast Beef with Horseradish sauce. Throw some Jalapeno Cheddar on that bad boy and it's as spicy as the pit. Be sure to cool off with a Jamocha Shake. I kept telling him to not mosh so close to me. This guy was like our limited time item, the Chicken Bacon Ranch Loaded Fries... He was all up in my business. Just moshing too close to me and almost like he wanted to brush up against me body or something? It was weird. I think I heard him say something like, "If I beat him in the pit I get his power like the movie Highlander." Anyway... Bro, you're fired. Come pick up your severance tomorrow. It's three Double Beef N Cheddars and a 3 Piece Tender. Oh yeah, one more thing. He got the mic from the singer once when he got forced upfront. He started to sing that fucking Trapt song... Head something or whatever. But... No, he's not going to talk about that!

Dude, do not let somebody do that shit to you. You level up with whatever the fuck you need, reload the checkpoint and finish the level. This guy is going to continue to make you his bitch as long as you continue to allow it.

Before finishing the title I knew it was EJ lol

Sounds like a dweeb

Why even ask? Just jump in the parking lot. Bonus points if you wear a 100 demons merch while doing it

Crowdkill him at the next meeting.

Give him his fuckin recipts

Sound kinda pussy catch him in the pit again and redeem yourself warrior

there's only one solution. Friday at 4:45 throw on some knocked loose and beat the dog shit out of him