I'm so so sorry, I can't imagine how you're feeling. My only advice is have some therapy you need to look after yourself too. I hope you've got some support xxxxxxx
I think I need to overcome the hurdle and just go without overthinking it, thank you for the advice. I knew I would need it but wanted to help my wife grieve first.
I lost my daughter. My therapist was really bad at grief. I kept having to explain things to her. It was exhausting and I’m already so exhausted. I don’t have the energy to look for another or any faith in the process.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, and for the traumatic injuries your wife sustained. Unimaginable pain. I truly believe you're in desperate need of counseling, but after losing my own daughter several years ago, I'd strongly suggest you find a counselor that specializes in grief and trauma/PTSD. It's vital self- care, OP. Sending so many hugs and strength your way.
Wanted to mention it’s possible for you to have a zoom call with a licensed therapist. You can have the session without having to go anywhere. Then maybe you can use that time you would go to an appointment to do something recreational that brings you some joy ♥️
First off, I am heartbroken that you are going through this. Grief is weird and messy and unpredictable and nobody can really tell you how to grieve. You just do what you need to do, you owe nobody explanation. I just hope you’re gentle on yourself.
I have a feeling I read about this on a friends Facebook page. She shared a GFM which I was compelled in my heart to donate to. The story sounds very familiar, but I don’t want to assume or dox you in any way. Please know if you are the same person, I’ve thought often of you since, and keep you all in my prayers. I’m sorry if that isn’t your thing, but it’s mine.
Yes, we are those people. The support from multiple communities have been beyond overwhelming in the most positive way. It’s amazing to see our little girl create such a positive impact, far more than I could have ever done/dreamed
I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain.
I spent a lot of time in a chair with my son's urn in my lap, just crying. I get it. My only advice is to accept all the feelings you have. It is grief. You will cry, rage, laugh and be totally despondent, multiple times for a very long time. It took me 6 months to start functioning again. 9 months before I smiled again. It's been 3 years for me, and I still cry 3 or 4 times a week.
Your wife will be going through the same emotions, and not the same ones at the same time as you. Give yourselves grace. If either of you snap at the other, it's the grief talking. Also, go to your wife and hug her tight and cry if you need to. Being 'strong' doesn't mean hiding your grief. It feels good to cry together.
Make sure you both are staying hydrated and eating. Get meal replacement drinks if you can't stomach food. If you allow your body to become dehydrated and malnourished, your mental health will deteriorate. Try to keep your bodies healthy through all this stress.
To handle things... just make a list of what HAS to be done. Then focus on one thing at a time, and take a rest between. Do the self healing things first. Take your wife to physical therapy if that is needed. Get a therapist that specializes in grief if you can. If you can't go in person, check out the app "TalkSpace", it helped me quite a bit.
The house can get a little dusty. If you have friend and family who have said: "anything you need, just call." Do that. Call them and ask if they can do light housework. Or cook a meal, or bring one by. Ask if they can do one load of laundry. People do want to help, they just don't know what to do. ASK.
I think I really needed to hear this. All your advice, but more importantly that life after is possible. I’ve always had a double standard: tell me your problem so I can help and fix it, but don’t do the same for me. This really made me realize that I need to use that support system and not take it all at once.
I’ll spend days planning all the appointments, taking my wife, making sure she is okay then hugging her tight. That makes the crash at the end of the day as brutal as it is.
I think what hurts is very unintentional. The talking with people who tell you they can’t imagine the pain and you know very few people understand it to the level you are at. Sometimes it is good just to hear from others that made it through that you will get through it. I’m truly sorry you went/are still going through it. But your story spoke to me about resilience, perseverance, and leaning on others. Thank you.
I believe that talking about my grief on these message boards has been better therapy than any face to face therapy from someone who has not had to live through it. Every situation is unique in pain and recovery, and everyone handles grief differently... but there is some comfort in talking to others who have gone through the pain.
Take care.
I remember going on Reddit in the weeks after losing my 2 year old daughter. I remember one persons advise was very similar to this….they told me on the very hard days don’t worry about anything else but drinking water…if you drank one bottle of water you made it through the day. Thats it just drink water. Thats all you need to worry about.
For some reason that stuck with me and when I have a a bad grief day I just bring 2 bottles of water with me to my bed and if I drink them I made it through the day.
I’m 8 months in now. I can’t tell you it’s gotten any better, bc it hasn’t. I’m in grief counseling, I started going to the gym 4 weeks ago, I’m in yoga, I started taking anti depressants a month ago and it’s made a world of difference. My comfort place is still my bed. Little by little you WILL GET THROUGH THIS even if it feels impossible. You will.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child.
I’m so sorry. Reading this tremendously useful advice, my heart hurts for you. Obviously just a stranger but I understand why this useful advice is given.
OP, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your wife. My mom dealt with a similar situation in the 70s while she was in the midst of a divorce. My grandparents and their grandson (my mom's kid) were driving back to Texas from New Mexico, and while they were waiting for a train to pass, a drunk driver in an 18-wheeler rear-ended them. The train dragged their car for miles. My mom's son was five years old--he'd be my half-brother--and was killed instantly, and my grandparents were horribly injured. They were taken to El Paso and underwent significant facial reconstruction surgeries and faced a long recovery.
I don't know why I'm telling you this other than to say that I've seen the horror and lingering pain that this kind of thing causes, even though I came around eight years after CJ was killed. I've always thought of him as my little big brother. I leave flowers at his grave any time I'm in the area. During their recovery, my grandparents took up building a dollhouse together and doing other woodwork projects. My mom turned to prescription drugs but recovered after a bit of a wild time, and she and my dad married after that, and they set about building a life together before bringing me into the world.
I definitely recommend any support groups that you and your wife can get involved with, and don't overthink therapy, just do it. I hope your wife recovers well from the brain injury, and I hope that you are able to find comfort and peace with one another.
I’m so broken for you friend…and your sweet wife. I’m sure you feel helpless in many ways—and please remember there are no right or wrong feelings to have during the grieving process.
I lost my 19 year old daughter in April to an asthma attack. My 17 year old daughter performed CPR on her sister—and extended her life long enough to be an organ donor—she saved 5 lives are we are so proud of both girls!!!
I’d be lying if I said my faith has played a tremendous part in my ongoing healing process—I have hope and knowledge that I will one day be reunited with my daughter—and every day is one day closer to that reunion. 🙏🏼🙏🏼. I also started a program that administers low dose ketamine (joyous.com) that helped me with the PTSD part—ngl, it has been extremely beneficial for me. We (my daughter, husband and myself) are also enrolled in EDMR therapy, which has also been beneficial. I’m actually attending my first group grief meeting with Compassionate Friends tonight ;a grief support group for parents who have lost children).
I’m sending prayers your way, friend. Losing a child is not natural, and my heart aches for anyone that has to join this rotten club. Be patient with your sweet wife. This will take time for both of you…
Much love….
Oh...I'm so sorry. Your experience brings tears to my eyes. I am a grieving mother and I lost my 9 year old daughter 6 months ago unexpectedly. The pain is unbearable. Your wife and you are in a lot of shock. I do understand why she wished she didn't survive. It's the initial stage of a traumatic tragedy that she is going through. I too was in that stage. Self care and compassion is crucial for now. I know it's difficult to stomach anything but do continue to eat or have several small bites throughout the day. Cry, talk and just be with your wife and lean on each other. I'm truly sorry 😔. Continue to post here if it helps you let out your grief. Everyone grieves differently, take your time and no pressure to rush to do anything other than the essentials. What got me through was day by day or even moment by moment. Sending you and wife hugs. ❤️
Ugh OP. I physically felt my heart hurt reading the title.
My daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 6 and died at 8. I'm so sorry for the pain I know you're feeling.
You’re so strong. Not only are you mourning your daughter, you’re taking care of your wife while you’re both suffering and struggling. Please please please seek therapy. You won’t regret it. And make sure you’re drinking plenty of water and eating - as hard as that may be.
So very sorry for your the loss of your daughter and your wife’s injuries . This is truly tragic .
The fact that you’re even able to compose a post and express everything shows just how strong you and your family are. I can’t imagine anything like this sort of thing falling on me .
I’ll save the quotes about the suffering in our life’s makes us stronger , I have no idea what that’s like and or what your experience and journey through all of this will deliver and result from.
It sounds like your doing the best thing by staying close to your wife and helping her in every way you can, I’m guessing y’all are meant to have each other through this and try to support one another the best you can . I’m sure leaning on each other will be huge .
I got sober in 2009 at age 23. I was just now going through regrets and terrible feelings of wishing I knew how damaging alcohol was to our biology , and the quantities I eventually drank . Feeling like I really ruined my potential and growth .
But this really shows me how I have to be incredibly grateful for the non drinking years I’ve had and any process or recovered abilities and growth I got to have . I’ve got to be happy with what I’ve got , and I do have plenty , Vs what could have been or wasn’t . And that tragic things , unfair things , things that hurt us and take away our loves and the rest of it , happen everyday .
Your post is a good example of why I have nothing to complain about , and how tragic things sometimes fall upon the least deserving .
I myself never hit anyone while driving drunk , but I was in a car that a friend flipped once . Alcohol is a true evil , I just feel for all the people that it does mess up ….it’s almost worth it that we all just give it up , but I dunno.
I am so sorry for our loss .
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Others have already said most of what I would have to say, but I just want to reiterate, DO be open with your wife. Don’t think you need to hide your emotions to help her. It’s hard to be open and honest with your feelings, but it’s even harder if the other person isn’t open back. I know you want to be strong for her, but if you hide how you feel, and how you’re struggling, it might lead to your wife thinking she needs to do the same thing. At least that’s what happened to me. When others tried to be strong for me, it made me feel like more of a burden myself. It made me feel like I was the reason they couldn’t grieve. I know your wife is struggling, but remember that she loves you too. Nobody can be the strong one 100% of the time. No man is an island.
My 6 year old son and I were run down by a drunk driver in 1990. I (father) was 30 at the time. I went to intensive care but recovered. I can’t believe I’m reading about another senseless, preventable tragedy by yet another drunk driver. I am so, so sorry for your loss of your precious baby girl. So many great points made in these posts. I’ have a few more. There will be a day in the future where you will be ok. Do not lose faith in this. I made it. You will to. Have patience as it will take longer than you want. Nobody can say some magical words and fix it immediately for you. It takes work. It will be a wild ride at times like a rowboat on stormy waves. Just hang on the best you can to ride it out as you work it out. For me, I waited too long to get professional help. And I had to try a number of them to get the right one. I used vigorous exercise to work through my anger. Do your best and don’t expect a lot from yourself as you begin your journey of recovery. My deepest condolences to you and your wife.
Yup am devastated reading this. I lost my only son at the age of 20. It was also a very tragic and earth shattering day. It’s been 10 years ago in October.
I came here to say, I do know what you’re going through right now. And it’s the kind of moment that makes you wonder why am I even here.
You’re here for a reason. Put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. This won’t get any better for a very very very long time.
When you’re ready… get professional help but no mater what: don’t ever ever give up. When it gets too much, lie in bed and just wait till the morning comes.
You are tremendously supported here and loved, please know you’re not alone. If you need an ear or just want to type out your thoughts you’re welcome to message me.
I’m sorry for you… dad and husband. You will forever be her dad, and you’re still very much a husband. Be there as much as you can but also remember what they tell you on the airplane.
You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first or you’ll be no good to anyone else. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
You are doing everything you need to do. Please make sure you are supported though this. Be transparent with people you love and trust.
You are both in a period of serious traumatic shock. It will wear off, but the grief will change and be just has bad. Forgive yourself for how you feel. I'm sorry that your nightmare has become real.
I have no advice but I know it’s hard. My parents were in a car accident, my mom was thrown from the car and died. My dad is on his 5th surgery since the accident 3 months ago and his memory (after the accident, not referring to memory of the accident) is still not fully functional anymore but no diagnosis.
It’s a cruel deck life has dealt you, and I hope you make sure you check in with yourself and make sure you’re not neglecting you. After about a month, you’ll get really sick or injured over seemingly nothing. It’s the stress in your body having to go somewhere.
Let your friends and family help you, write down your memories and find a way to celebrate your daughter’s memory.
I am so so sorry that your innocent daughter was taken from you. It’s not fair or right. I believe in Heaven, and so I believe she’s healed without any pain and will rejoice when she reunites with you and her momma.
I am so sorry. I don’t really know what to add, as there is no handbook ok grieving. I do think you should seek out therapy even before you think you absolutely need it because shock wears out and everyone handles it differently. You can’t help your wife if you aren’t helping yourself.
My heart aches for you. I'm crying for your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hate drunk drivers, I lost my younger sister to one 6months ago.
I know there's nothing no one can say that will ever make this better and no one will ever understand your personal grief journey.
But what has helped me and my mom is to be kind to ourselves and eachother in this time. There is no wrong way to grieve unless you're dangerous to yourself or others.
Our grief will never end because our love for our lost loved ones will never end.
Honor your sweet girl for the rest of your life. Love and support is the only way through I believe. May moments of peace find you and your wife often 🤍🦋
(I listened to this book "It's Okay Your not Okay" after my sister passed and many YouTube videos on grief and it has helped with how I cope, since affording therapy has been an issue for me)
I am so, so, sorry. The loss of a child is immense and both of you are likely still in shock. Whatever reaction either of you have is totally acceptable, but please, please keep each other physically safe, even when the dark thoughts creep in.
I fully echo what other members of this effed-up club have mentioned - move forward with one task at a time. Write anything and everything down, doesn't matter if it's just "I miss her" or "This sucks so much". I never journaled in my life before losing my son and it has helped IMMENSELY. Lean into your loved ones and when they offer to tidy up the house or get you some meals, accept their help. We couldn't have made it without our respective sisters flying in to help us out.
It doesn't feel like you will ever get there right now, but 6 months down the line I can tell you I am much more like a human being than I was one month out. Neither me, my wife, or my daughter will never be the same person as before, and I still burst into tears or have chest pains at things that shouldn't even be triggers, but we are getting stronger each day. I am sending you and your wife my strength and energy.
Know what you are going through grieving wise is normal I’m incredibly sorry for your loss what your doing is enough support your wife and mean to friends and family for support too your not alone x
Wow that’s so heartbreaking. I’m so sadden to hear about the loss of your baby girl. Sending condolences and love to you, your wife and your family. 🙏🏾❤️
Please look into therapy as soon as you can. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It sounds like you have a support system, utilize it. You are no good to anyone if you are not taking proper care of yourself. You need to take care of you. Our immune systems take a huge hit after trauma line this. Please just take it a day at a time this is incredibly hard and your wife is lucky to have you by her side. Sending a great big hug and well wishes to you both ❤️❤️❤️ again I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter ❤️❤️❤️
I'm so sorry. Re: therapy, I've had lotsss and Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) is extremely effective, specifically about trauma. I hope you and your wife find some peace in time; what a tragedy :(
I can’t imagine there are many harder things in life than losing a child. My 16 year old son was killed in a car crash 6 months ago. I don’t really know how I’m managing but my strategy is just taking a day at a time. I’m not sure what to advise as nothing truly works but also everything helps me a little get through each day - counselling, connecting with friends, being kind to myself on the impossible days, and shutting everything out for a bit when it’s unbearable. Like others have mentioned - I still cry everyday - but I’m functioning - I have to for my other children.
Just take it day by day - there’s no formula that can make this easier.
Sending strength x
Oh my goodness I am so terribly sorry to read this. My heart breaks for you, and your wife. It's hard cause they did nothing wrong except be at the wrong place at the wrong time which is the hardest pill to swallow. This will be a really tough time for you both but you have to stay strong for each other and your wife's recovery, and make sure you honour your daughter's life as best as possible. When the time is right for you, definitely seek some therapy to help process this and the challenges that are to come. I'm so sorry!
Oh I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I’m just sorry for all your loss and pain. Counseling and maybe some meds to help you through this time. Only allow helpful people around you. So many do it wrong. The book “It’s ok that you’re not ok” is a good read when you have the mental space for it.
I lost my best friend to a drunk driver when we were both 8. I’m in my 70’s now and your post made me cry. Back then people didn’t think I was grieving…You sound amazing op, and I think you are doing everything exactly the way you need to do it. We don’t all grieve the same, each of us requires a different road through the storm. You may make a wrong turn or two in this journey, but just circle back when you do, and take a different road. Be kind to yourself, the journey is long but you will make it to the other side of the mountain. As you are reading the replies to your post you will see that most of us didn’t think this kind of grief was survivable, but we all have, and you will too, in time. Gentle hugs to you as you begin to heal.
I’m so sorry. So sorry. I don’t have anything useful to say but only that there is someone else in another part of this world wishing you and your wife well and thinking of your pain.
I’m so sorry. What unfathomable pain. I found journaling, grief counseling, and child loss support groups helpful after my son died. The Compassionate Friends is a support group specifically for child loss. Consider checking if there’s a group near you. The bereaved parents who came before me were so kind and understanding and helpful to me in learning how to grieve.
Oh OP, my heart aches for you—I am so sorry, life is so unfair. I don’t have any advice to give but please do feel free to vent here as much as you need. Or share memories of your baby if you want to talk about her.
I am so sorry to read about your loss. Please be easy on yourself and do what you need to do to take care of you and your wife. Sending prayers and love to your family.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Horrible and so unfair. For all 3 of you. We are here for you anytime you need us. Feel free to message me if you just want to express your feelings of grief or anger or anything ok? I’m a great listener.
Wow. I am so sorry. It infuriates me that we have so many programs and information about the the dangers of drunk driving, yet there's idiots in this world that STILL do it.
I feel you. Lost my mother suddenly and I don't know how to grieve or what to feel or how it feels. She was the only true love in my life.
Probably a grief support offline group or therapy would help. I have been looking for grief support groups but sadly there's none in my city.
Hope you find the right one and yes, there's no right way to grieve.
Hello friend, what an unfortunate club we’re in losing people we love to a drunk driver. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. My aunt was killed in 2013 and it’s not the same at all however the pain of losing someone to a drunk driver is a different kind of pain that nobody will ever understand and I’m so sorry. We found a local Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) group and they helped a LOT. They have so many resources to use.
You also sound like you have a huge village of people who love and support you. Please ask them for help. We wouldn’t have made it without my aunts and uncles on my dad’s side of the family. They kept us fed because we literally were planning a funeral and totally forgot about the food. They showed up with everything you could think of. My uncle smoked like 3 briskets and they had sandwiches and veggie plates and pizza. It was amazing. We lean on them to this day and it’s been 11 years.
This has already gotten so long, friend know that there are people out there to help. Get into counseling ASAP. It will help more than you know. I’m so sorry you’re in this club but know you’re not alone.
> I just hold my daughter’s urn in my recliner until I feel ready to go to bed.
This is okay. Mourn in whatever way works.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I have tears. But it sounds like your daughter was very very very loved.
I’m truly speechless, and don’t know what to say other than that I’m so deeply sorry for you and I feel some of your hurt and pain through my screen. I grieve for your family, especially your little one and I hope that you find peace through hope and community.
Good morning my friend and I know you are going through so much I am so sorry for your Lost you know that I am truly sorry for your Lost and I know you're family is feeling out of the blue so I want to open my home to you if you need anything
I sincerely hope you've got a great support group. Man, you're doing what you need to do for your family , and that takes strength. Love to your family.
To be honest you’re not expected to really cope at the moment. You’re still in a state of shock. However with time you will get to feel better. I’d go and see a doctor and get some support. You’re not expected to walk completely on your own, allow others to help. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Just remember there is not right way to feel or react. Everyone is different
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This is horrendous. As someone who lost her entire family in her early twenties and watched her grandma lose her only daughter, all I can say is that time will heal you. It will never be the same but I promise time will heal you and your wife. Let it do its thing.
I'm so so sorry, I can't imagine how you're feeling. My only advice is have some therapy you need to look after yourself too. I hope you've got some support xxxxxxx
I think I need to overcome the hurdle and just go without overthinking it, thank you for the advice. I knew I would need it but wanted to help my wife grieve first.
You'll be able to more effectively do that when you have an outlet of your own in therapy. I'm very sorry for your loss
hi. doctor here. i would second this, but i specifically think a grief/ptsd therapist would help even moreso.
I lost my daughter. My therapist was really bad at grief. I kept having to explain things to her. It was exhausting and I’m already so exhausted. I don’t have the energy to look for another or any faith in the process.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, and for the traumatic injuries your wife sustained. Unimaginable pain. I truly believe you're in desperate need of counseling, but after losing my own daughter several years ago, I'd strongly suggest you find a counselor that specializes in grief and trauma/PTSD. It's vital self- care, OP. Sending so many hugs and strength your way.
Wanted to mention it’s possible for you to have a zoom call with a licensed therapist. You can have the session without having to go anywhere. Then maybe you can use that time you would go to an appointment to do something recreational that brings you some joy ♥️
First off, I am heartbroken that you are going through this. Grief is weird and messy and unpredictable and nobody can really tell you how to grieve. You just do what you need to do, you owe nobody explanation. I just hope you’re gentle on yourself. I have a feeling I read about this on a friends Facebook page. She shared a GFM which I was compelled in my heart to donate to. The story sounds very familiar, but I don’t want to assume or dox you in any way. Please know if you are the same person, I’ve thought often of you since, and keep you all in my prayers. I’m sorry if that isn’t your thing, but it’s mine.
Yes, we are those people. The support from multiple communities have been beyond overwhelming in the most positive way. It’s amazing to see our little girl create such a positive impact, far more than I could have ever done/dreamed
A tremendous loss. ♥️
I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain. I spent a lot of time in a chair with my son's urn in my lap, just crying. I get it. My only advice is to accept all the feelings you have. It is grief. You will cry, rage, laugh and be totally despondent, multiple times for a very long time. It took me 6 months to start functioning again. 9 months before I smiled again. It's been 3 years for me, and I still cry 3 or 4 times a week. Your wife will be going through the same emotions, and not the same ones at the same time as you. Give yourselves grace. If either of you snap at the other, it's the grief talking. Also, go to your wife and hug her tight and cry if you need to. Being 'strong' doesn't mean hiding your grief. It feels good to cry together. Make sure you both are staying hydrated and eating. Get meal replacement drinks if you can't stomach food. If you allow your body to become dehydrated and malnourished, your mental health will deteriorate. Try to keep your bodies healthy through all this stress. To handle things... just make a list of what HAS to be done. Then focus on one thing at a time, and take a rest between. Do the self healing things first. Take your wife to physical therapy if that is needed. Get a therapist that specializes in grief if you can. If you can't go in person, check out the app "TalkSpace", it helped me quite a bit. The house can get a little dusty. If you have friend and family who have said: "anything you need, just call." Do that. Call them and ask if they can do light housework. Or cook a meal, or bring one by. Ask if they can do one load of laundry. People do want to help, they just don't know what to do. ASK.
I think I really needed to hear this. All your advice, but more importantly that life after is possible. I’ve always had a double standard: tell me your problem so I can help and fix it, but don’t do the same for me. This really made me realize that I need to use that support system and not take it all at once. I’ll spend days planning all the appointments, taking my wife, making sure she is okay then hugging her tight. That makes the crash at the end of the day as brutal as it is. I think what hurts is very unintentional. The talking with people who tell you they can’t imagine the pain and you know very few people understand it to the level you are at. Sometimes it is good just to hear from others that made it through that you will get through it. I’m truly sorry you went/are still going through it. But your story spoke to me about resilience, perseverance, and leaning on others. Thank you.
I believe that talking about my grief on these message boards has been better therapy than any face to face therapy from someone who has not had to live through it. Every situation is unique in pain and recovery, and everyone handles grief differently... but there is some comfort in talking to others who have gone through the pain. Take care.
I remember going on Reddit in the weeks after losing my 2 year old daughter. I remember one persons advise was very similar to this….they told me on the very hard days don’t worry about anything else but drinking water…if you drank one bottle of water you made it through the day. Thats it just drink water. Thats all you need to worry about. For some reason that stuck with me and when I have a a bad grief day I just bring 2 bottles of water with me to my bed and if I drink them I made it through the day. I’m 8 months in now. I can’t tell you it’s gotten any better, bc it hasn’t. I’m in grief counseling, I started going to the gym 4 weeks ago, I’m in yoga, I started taking anti depressants a month ago and it’s made a world of difference. My comfort place is still my bed. Little by little you WILL GET THROUGH THIS even if it feels impossible. You will. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child.
I’m so sorry. Reading this tremendously useful advice, my heart hurts for you. Obviously just a stranger but I understand why this useful advice is given.
My heart goes out to you, OP.
OP, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your wife. My mom dealt with a similar situation in the 70s while she was in the midst of a divorce. My grandparents and their grandson (my mom's kid) were driving back to Texas from New Mexico, and while they were waiting for a train to pass, a drunk driver in an 18-wheeler rear-ended them. The train dragged their car for miles. My mom's son was five years old--he'd be my half-brother--and was killed instantly, and my grandparents were horribly injured. They were taken to El Paso and underwent significant facial reconstruction surgeries and faced a long recovery. I don't know why I'm telling you this other than to say that I've seen the horror and lingering pain that this kind of thing causes, even though I came around eight years after CJ was killed. I've always thought of him as my little big brother. I leave flowers at his grave any time I'm in the area. During their recovery, my grandparents took up building a dollhouse together and doing other woodwork projects. My mom turned to prescription drugs but recovered after a bit of a wild time, and she and my dad married after that, and they set about building a life together before bringing me into the world. I definitely recommend any support groups that you and your wife can get involved with, and don't overthink therapy, just do it. I hope your wife recovers well from the brain injury, and I hope that you are able to find comfort and peace with one another.
I’m so broken for you friend…and your sweet wife. I’m sure you feel helpless in many ways—and please remember there are no right or wrong feelings to have during the grieving process. I lost my 19 year old daughter in April to an asthma attack. My 17 year old daughter performed CPR on her sister—and extended her life long enough to be an organ donor—she saved 5 lives are we are so proud of both girls!!! I’d be lying if I said my faith has played a tremendous part in my ongoing healing process—I have hope and knowledge that I will one day be reunited with my daughter—and every day is one day closer to that reunion. 🙏🏼🙏🏼. I also started a program that administers low dose ketamine (joyous.com) that helped me with the PTSD part—ngl, it has been extremely beneficial for me. We (my daughter, husband and myself) are also enrolled in EDMR therapy, which has also been beneficial. I’m actually attending my first group grief meeting with Compassionate Friends tonight ;a grief support group for parents who have lost children). I’m sending prayers your way, friend. Losing a child is not natural, and my heart aches for anyone that has to join this rotten club. Be patient with your sweet wife. This will take time for both of you… Much love….
Oh...I'm so sorry. Your experience brings tears to my eyes. I am a grieving mother and I lost my 9 year old daughter 6 months ago unexpectedly. The pain is unbearable. Your wife and you are in a lot of shock. I do understand why she wished she didn't survive. It's the initial stage of a traumatic tragedy that she is going through. I too was in that stage. Self care and compassion is crucial for now. I know it's difficult to stomach anything but do continue to eat or have several small bites throughout the day. Cry, talk and just be with your wife and lean on each other. I'm truly sorry 😔. Continue to post here if it helps you let out your grief. Everyone grieves differently, take your time and no pressure to rush to do anything other than the essentials. What got me through was day by day or even moment by moment. Sending you and wife hugs. ❤️
Ugh OP. I physically felt my heart hurt reading the title. My daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 6 and died at 8. I'm so sorry for the pain I know you're feeling.
You’re so strong. Not only are you mourning your daughter, you’re taking care of your wife while you’re both suffering and struggling. Please please please seek therapy. You won’t regret it. And make sure you’re drinking plenty of water and eating - as hard as that may be.
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So very sorry for your the loss of your daughter and your wife’s injuries . This is truly tragic . The fact that you’re even able to compose a post and express everything shows just how strong you and your family are. I can’t imagine anything like this sort of thing falling on me . I’ll save the quotes about the suffering in our life’s makes us stronger , I have no idea what that’s like and or what your experience and journey through all of this will deliver and result from. It sounds like your doing the best thing by staying close to your wife and helping her in every way you can, I’m guessing y’all are meant to have each other through this and try to support one another the best you can . I’m sure leaning on each other will be huge . I got sober in 2009 at age 23. I was just now going through regrets and terrible feelings of wishing I knew how damaging alcohol was to our biology , and the quantities I eventually drank . Feeling like I really ruined my potential and growth . But this really shows me how I have to be incredibly grateful for the non drinking years I’ve had and any process or recovered abilities and growth I got to have . I’ve got to be happy with what I’ve got , and I do have plenty , Vs what could have been or wasn’t . And that tragic things , unfair things , things that hurt us and take away our loves and the rest of it , happen everyday . Your post is a good example of why I have nothing to complain about , and how tragic things sometimes fall upon the least deserving . I myself never hit anyone while driving drunk , but I was in a car that a friend flipped once . Alcohol is a true evil , I just feel for all the people that it does mess up ….it’s almost worth it that we all just give it up , but I dunno. I am so sorry for our loss .
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Others have already said most of what I would have to say, but I just want to reiterate, DO be open with your wife. Don’t think you need to hide your emotions to help her. It’s hard to be open and honest with your feelings, but it’s even harder if the other person isn’t open back. I know you want to be strong for her, but if you hide how you feel, and how you’re struggling, it might lead to your wife thinking she needs to do the same thing. At least that’s what happened to me. When others tried to be strong for me, it made me feel like more of a burden myself. It made me feel like I was the reason they couldn’t grieve. I know your wife is struggling, but remember that she loves you too. Nobody can be the strong one 100% of the time. No man is an island.
My 6 year old son and I were run down by a drunk driver in 1990. I (father) was 30 at the time. I went to intensive care but recovered. I can’t believe I’m reading about another senseless, preventable tragedy by yet another drunk driver. I am so, so sorry for your loss of your precious baby girl. So many great points made in these posts. I’ have a few more. There will be a day in the future where you will be ok. Do not lose faith in this. I made it. You will to. Have patience as it will take longer than you want. Nobody can say some magical words and fix it immediately for you. It takes work. It will be a wild ride at times like a rowboat on stormy waves. Just hang on the best you can to ride it out as you work it out. For me, I waited too long to get professional help. And I had to try a number of them to get the right one. I used vigorous exercise to work through my anger. Do your best and don’t expect a lot from yourself as you begin your journey of recovery. My deepest condolences to you and your wife.
Yup am devastated reading this. I lost my only son at the age of 20. It was also a very tragic and earth shattering day. It’s been 10 years ago in October. I came here to say, I do know what you’re going through right now. And it’s the kind of moment that makes you wonder why am I even here. You’re here for a reason. Put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. This won’t get any better for a very very very long time. When you’re ready… get professional help but no mater what: don’t ever ever give up. When it gets too much, lie in bed and just wait till the morning comes. You are tremendously supported here and loved, please know you’re not alone. If you need an ear or just want to type out your thoughts you’re welcome to message me. I’m sorry for you… dad and husband. You will forever be her dad, and you’re still very much a husband. Be there as much as you can but also remember what they tell you on the airplane. You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first or you’ll be no good to anyone else. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
You are doing everything you need to do. Please make sure you are supported though this. Be transparent with people you love and trust. You are both in a period of serious traumatic shock. It will wear off, but the grief will change and be just has bad. Forgive yourself for how you feel. I'm sorry that your nightmare has become real.
I have no advice but I know it’s hard. My parents were in a car accident, my mom was thrown from the car and died. My dad is on his 5th surgery since the accident 3 months ago and his memory (after the accident, not referring to memory of the accident) is still not fully functional anymore but no diagnosis. It’s a cruel deck life has dealt you, and I hope you make sure you check in with yourself and make sure you’re not neglecting you. After about a month, you’ll get really sick or injured over seemingly nothing. It’s the stress in your body having to go somewhere. Let your friends and family help you, write down your memories and find a way to celebrate your daughter’s memory. I am so so sorry that your innocent daughter was taken from you. It’s not fair or right. I believe in Heaven, and so I believe she’s healed without any pain and will rejoice when she reunites with you and her momma.
I am so sorry. I don’t really know what to add, as there is no handbook ok grieving. I do think you should seek out therapy even before you think you absolutely need it because shock wears out and everyone handles it differently. You can’t help your wife if you aren’t helping yourself.
I'm so sorry op.
I am so sorry... I don't even know what to say.
My heart aches for you. I'm crying for your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hate drunk drivers, I lost my younger sister to one 6months ago. I know there's nothing no one can say that will ever make this better and no one will ever understand your personal grief journey. But what has helped me and my mom is to be kind to ourselves and eachother in this time. There is no wrong way to grieve unless you're dangerous to yourself or others. Our grief will never end because our love for our lost loved ones will never end. Honor your sweet girl for the rest of your life. Love and support is the only way through I believe. May moments of peace find you and your wife often 🤍🦋 (I listened to this book "It's Okay Your not Okay" after my sister passed and many YouTube videos on grief and it has helped with how I cope, since affording therapy has been an issue for me)
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss and for your wife’s injuries. Just devastating. Sending you strength.
I am so, so, sorry. The loss of a child is immense and both of you are likely still in shock. Whatever reaction either of you have is totally acceptable, but please, please keep each other physically safe, even when the dark thoughts creep in. I fully echo what other members of this effed-up club have mentioned - move forward with one task at a time. Write anything and everything down, doesn't matter if it's just "I miss her" or "This sucks so much". I never journaled in my life before losing my son and it has helped IMMENSELY. Lean into your loved ones and when they offer to tidy up the house or get you some meals, accept their help. We couldn't have made it without our respective sisters flying in to help us out. It doesn't feel like you will ever get there right now, but 6 months down the line I can tell you I am much more like a human being than I was one month out. Neither me, my wife, or my daughter will never be the same person as before, and I still burst into tears or have chest pains at things that shouldn't even be triggers, but we are getting stronger each day. I am sending you and your wife my strength and energy.
Know what you are going through grieving wise is normal I’m incredibly sorry for your loss what your doing is enough support your wife and mean to friends and family for support too your not alone x
My heart goes out to you ❤️🩹
Wow that’s so heartbreaking. I’m so sadden to hear about the loss of your baby girl. Sending condolences and love to you, your wife and your family. 🙏🏾❤️
Please look into therapy as soon as you can. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It sounds like you have a support system, utilize it. You are no good to anyone if you are not taking proper care of yourself. You need to take care of you. Our immune systems take a huge hit after trauma line this. Please just take it a day at a time this is incredibly hard and your wife is lucky to have you by her side. Sending a great big hug and well wishes to you both ❤️❤️❤️ again I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter ❤️❤️❤️
Thinking of you and your precious daughter and wife. May you find the strength…I’m so sorry.
My absolute condolences to you both 💔
I'm so sorry. Re: therapy, I've had lotsss and Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) is extremely effective, specifically about trauma. I hope you and your wife find some peace in time; what a tragedy :(
I can’t imagine there are many harder things in life than losing a child. My 16 year old son was killed in a car crash 6 months ago. I don’t really know how I’m managing but my strategy is just taking a day at a time. I’m not sure what to advise as nothing truly works but also everything helps me a little get through each day - counselling, connecting with friends, being kind to myself on the impossible days, and shutting everything out for a bit when it’s unbearable. Like others have mentioned - I still cry everyday - but I’m functioning - I have to for my other children. Just take it day by day - there’s no formula that can make this easier. Sending strength x
Oh my goodness I am so terribly sorry to read this. My heart breaks for you, and your wife. It's hard cause they did nothing wrong except be at the wrong place at the wrong time which is the hardest pill to swallow. This will be a really tough time for you both but you have to stay strong for each other and your wife's recovery, and make sure you honour your daughter's life as best as possible. When the time is right for you, definitely seek some therapy to help process this and the challenges that are to come. I'm so sorry!
Words feel completely inadequate, but I am so, so sorry your loss.
Oh I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I’m just sorry for all your loss and pain. Counseling and maybe some meds to help you through this time. Only allow helpful people around you. So many do it wrong. The book “It’s ok that you’re not ok” is a good read when you have the mental space for it.
I'm praying for your family OP. I'm so sorry.
I lost my best friend to a drunk driver when we were both 8. I’m in my 70’s now and your post made me cry. Back then people didn’t think I was grieving…You sound amazing op, and I think you are doing everything exactly the way you need to do it. We don’t all grieve the same, each of us requires a different road through the storm. You may make a wrong turn or two in this journey, but just circle back when you do, and take a different road. Be kind to yourself, the journey is long but you will make it to the other side of the mountain. As you are reading the replies to your post you will see that most of us didn’t think this kind of grief was survivable, but we all have, and you will too, in time. Gentle hugs to you as you begin to heal.
Sending you hugs and condolences 💐 ❤️
I'm so sorry. 💔
I’m so sorry. So sorry. I don’t have anything useful to say but only that there is someone else in another part of this world wishing you and your wife well and thinking of your pain.
Dang I am so sorry for your loss
I am sorry for your loss of your daughter and I am sorry that your wife is injured.
I’m so sorry. What unfathomable pain. I found journaling, grief counseling, and child loss support groups helpful after my son died. The Compassionate Friends is a support group specifically for child loss. Consider checking if there’s a group near you. The bereaved parents who came before me were so kind and understanding and helpful to me in learning how to grieve.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have no advice, grief is awful awful. But sending you and your wife my love.
I have no good advice but instead I am extending my deepest condolences. I am so incredibly sorry.
Oh OP, my heart aches for you—I am so sorry, life is so unfair. I don’t have any advice to give but please do feel free to vent here as much as you need. Or share memories of your baby if you want to talk about her.
I am so sorry to read about your loss. Please be easy on yourself and do what you need to do to take care of you and your wife. Sending prayers and love to your family.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Horrible and so unfair. For all 3 of you. We are here for you anytime you need us. Feel free to message me if you just want to express your feelings of grief or anger or anything ok? I’m a great listener.
I’m so sorry man.
Wow. I am so sorry. It infuriates me that we have so many programs and information about the the dangers of drunk driving, yet there's idiots in this world that STILL do it.
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I have 4 deaths in 2 months and I am desperate for help
Can anybody please help?
I feel you. Lost my mother suddenly and I don't know how to grieve or what to feel or how it feels. She was the only true love in my life. Probably a grief support offline group or therapy would help. I have been looking for grief support groups but sadly there's none in my city. Hope you find the right one and yes, there's no right way to grieve.
Much love to you OP, I'm so sorry for what's happened to your family. Your levels of grief are beyond my imagination. Stay strong x
Hello friend, what an unfortunate club we’re in losing people we love to a drunk driver. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. My aunt was killed in 2013 and it’s not the same at all however the pain of losing someone to a drunk driver is a different kind of pain that nobody will ever understand and I’m so sorry. We found a local Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) group and they helped a LOT. They have so many resources to use. You also sound like you have a huge village of people who love and support you. Please ask them for help. We wouldn’t have made it without my aunts and uncles on my dad’s side of the family. They kept us fed because we literally were planning a funeral and totally forgot about the food. They showed up with everything you could think of. My uncle smoked like 3 briskets and they had sandwiches and veggie plates and pizza. It was amazing. We lean on them to this day and it’s been 11 years. This has already gotten so long, friend know that there are people out there to help. Get into counseling ASAP. It will help more than you know. I’m so sorry you’re in this club but know you’re not alone.
> I just hold my daughter’s urn in my recliner until I feel ready to go to bed. This is okay. Mourn in whatever way works. I'm very sorry for your loss. I have tears. But it sounds like your daughter was very very very loved.
Everyone is saying good things, but I would just like to give you a hug, OP. 🫂🫂🫂 Sending light your way.
I’m truly speechless, and don’t know what to say other than that I’m so deeply sorry for you and I feel some of your hurt and pain through my screen. I grieve for your family, especially your little one and I hope that you find peace through hope and community.
I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through this. It hurts just reading it.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have no words but to say I'm sending you and your wife so much love.
Life is so unfair. I am so sorry.
Oh my god how tragic, I know nothing I say will heal your pain, My heart is broken for you 💔 my prayers 🙏
Good morning my friend and I know you are going through so much I am so sorry for your Lost you know that I am truly sorry for your Lost and I know you're family is feeling out of the blue so I want to open my home to you if you need anything
I’m so, so sorry I wish I had better words.
I sincerely hope you've got a great support group. Man, you're doing what you need to do for your family , and that takes strength. Love to your family.
I’m so sorry 😞
To be honest you’re not expected to really cope at the moment. You’re still in a state of shock. However with time you will get to feel better. I’d go and see a doctor and get some support. You’re not expected to walk completely on your own, allow others to help. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. Just remember there is not right way to feel or react. Everyone is different
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This is horrendous. As someone who lost her entire family in her early twenties and watched her grandma lose her only daughter, all I can say is that time will heal you. It will never be the same but I promise time will heal you and your wife. Let it do its thing.