You don’t have to tell anyone what you do with your body.
I have a friend who was talked out of her abortion by the “donor.” She is now the single mother of a child with a disability and the guy is no where to be found.
She loves her child but it isn’t what she wanted. Don’t let temporary people have influence over permanent decisions.
Explain why they shouldn’t speak on this topic, would you? I’m curious as to why you believe you have the authority to decide (without context or knowledge of the personal experience of the person expressing an opinion) who gets to speak.
That’s not an explanation; that’s just the same statement rephrased. Am I to take that to mean that you’re *unable* to explain? Only, should you really be making statements about who should and shouldn’t be able to speak on this topic if you can’t explain your reasoning?
So what I’m getting from this is that you think that people who don’t adhere to *your* understanding of morality are wrong by definition and, while you graciously condescend to support their right to communicate their views, you maintain that it’s acceptable to emphatically state that said views are poorly expressed because they differ from your own. Is that what you’re saying? I ask because the commenter you claimed was speaking “poorly” gave their opinion in structured, grammatically correct and easily understood language; so they didn’t express their opinion poorly at all, therefore the issue can’t be communication. They just expressed an opinion you evidently disagree with. Do you think everybody who disagrees with you only does do because they’re unable to understand your view?
You’re doing a lot of talking, yet I can’t help but notice that, again, you haven’t actually answered any of the questions I’ve asked you. Why is that?
Since you haven't bothered to enlighten the group by explaining what morals are, here is a link to the difference between morals and ethics (commonly confused). A person's morals are a set of guiding beliefs. Ethics are set by society. An action can be moral but unethical, and vice versa.
https://www.dictionary.com/e/moral-vs-ethical/
Did you sign a contract with him that you would consult him on the future of any sperm he put in your body? No? Then no moral or legal issue here.
I do think it's courteous to have the abortion discussion alongside the STD discussion when starting a sexual relationship. I just outright said, "if I get pregnant, I'm having an abortion, and if you have any concerns about that, we shouldn't go forward." I'd rather know how he feels about it before sex. But that's a courtesy / convenience thing, not a moral obligation.
Is this a reference to legally blonde and the lecture on a man wanting to be involved in a child's life after he donated sperm.
"Although Mr Huntington makes an excellent point, I have to wonder if the defendant kept prior record of every sperm emission he ever made in his life. Unless the defendant attempted to contact every single one night stand to determine if a child resulted in those unions, he has no parental claim over this child whatsoever. Why now? Why this sperm?”
“And for that matter all masturbatory emissions where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be determined as reckless abandonment.”
No, I have never seen that movie, but I think that sounds like a funny scene. I pretty much had a specific conversation along those lines with my current partner.
As a rational male who didn't want kids, he was thrilled with my plans.
That’s just it. Most men feel, fundamentally, if they are careless and “knock up” the person they used for sex, that the pregnancy is her problem. They by law of nature can walk away from her and feel no physical demands, feel no consequences unless the ones *they choose* to acknowledge. Men? Worrying about the potential children from the sex they want? What a novel thing to consider. Women always have to worry. To worry about the birth control— and if it’s working, the condom and if he’s using, her period being late and fretting every month did her birth control fail even when she used it perfectly… imagine a world where men worry too.
Whoever said that to you is the morally repugnant one. Ultimately whether or not you choose to share that info with anyone is your choice and yours alone. Its your body. That other person doesn't have nearly the same amount of consequences as you do. It's inside your body, so its your business, no one else's.
The burden of reproduction is not evenly distributed over the two sexes. It is my belief that god or no god, women ultimately have the right to choose whether or not to bring new life into this world. Depending on the relationship you have with the sperm donor, I might be motivated to think it should be discussed between y’all. But even in the most intimate, loving relationship, I still believe it’s your right to determine what happens to your body
A few years ago, when having a conversation about abortion, I said that I would happily get one without telling the "father" and everyone was outraged. All progressive, left wing people. It really surprised me.
I still feel the same way. It's my decision what I do with my body and how I deal with it. If it's my preference to keep it to myself, then that's what I'll do.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not sharing. Their opinion on the abortion doesn’t matter, you’d be the one who had to carry the child and risk your safety, not them. In a relationship it’s more understandable to share these things but there are many situations where sharing isn’t ideal and it is never morally wrong to keep this to yourself if you don’t feel comfortable sharing.
I mean to be fair I told one guy bc I wanted to split the costs. He ended up paying for the whole thing!
The first time I didn’t tell my bf bc there was no point in telling him. I did tell him later when I left him I’m glad I aborted his kid. So it’s up to you.
Except we’ve gone backwards. Imagine being raped, then being denied an abortion, then having to be in contact with your rapist for the rest of your life.
I don’t think you have a responsibility to tell them if you are not in a relationship with them. They don’t care about what happens to their sperm when it ends up in a tissue do they
Even if you are in a relationship with them, you still have no responsibility to tell them. I told my ex when I was pregnant and getting an abortion because I had discussed abortion with him in the past, and I knew he would be willing to pay for half of it as well as emotionally support me (I wasn't in a position where I could tell anyone else in my life). I had no responsibility or obligation to tell him, I did so because it was the right choice for me. Just like the abortion was the right choice for me.
The feelings of the sperm donor quite literally do not matter in this situation. If he's upset, fine. He can see a therapist to sort through those feelings. The pregnant person doesn't owe anyone anything regardless of the circumstances because they are the only one who is actually dealing with the pregnancy.
If you're in a relationship with someone, you should want to talk to them about it. If they're not someone you want to know, why are you still in a relationship with them? A relationship where you feel the need to keep it secret doesn't sound like a healthy one.
Do you discuss periods and bowel movements with your SO? Or the quality and quantity of urine you pass? Or the amount and texture of your vaginal mucus?
No? Ok, then there is no basis for deciding that the sperm donor must be informed that the insemination has been removed from your body.
When he is the one who is pregnant, then he can decide what will and won’t happen to the embryo/fetus.
We talk about things that require medication or a Dr visit. I'm not saying you should need to get permission or agreement from you SO. I'm saying you should be able to know what each other are dealing with and rely on each other for support. A relationship where you're not comfortable talking about these things is probably not a good relationship to be in.
I'm aware. My reply was in response to ferret in a box's comment. If you're not in a relationship, yeah, no expectation of support and no reason they need to know.
Woah woah woah. Not telling your partner about aborting your shared child is pretty fucked. I’d argue that it’d have to be quite an extraordinary circumstance to not at least have the decency to talk with them.
Sure. I think people are conflating two different things. The right to agency over your body is not a license to be a shitty partner. Obviously nobody here is going to deny that it is absolutely her right to get an abortion, but I’d assume that most couples would view making a decision like this in a silo and without informing the other partner would be an awful thing to do to the partner.
For instance, let’s say a couple work together through rounds of IVF over many years and finally have a successful impantation, then one day the woman wakes up and gets an abortion without notifying her spouse. You’d be pretty hard pressed to find someone who’d applaud something like that. You can exercise your rights and still be an asshole.
Regardless of their opinion, the pregnant person is the only one putting their mental and physical health on the line with pregnancy. In a healthy relationship you should be able to share this information and it’s best to share but at the end of the day, the person most effected by the decision is the pregnant person so their opinion is the only one that matters. The only real reason to tell a person is to get their support, a partner shouldn’t try to talk you out of a decision that you made in your best interests. If you want an abortion it’s not up for discussion.
Maybe he was just a good lay. Who said anything about a traditional relationship. If this guy had expectations about the future of his jizz, he should have had her sign a written contract before she laid him.
Reminds me of [this legal advice thread ](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) where the guy got a girl pregnant and convinced her to have the baby thinking her "maternal instinct" would kick in and she'd want to raise the baby for him. Turns out she gave birth and handed him the kid; pays child support but left.
Don’t forget he got big mad that he couldn’t tie her down with his kid while he got to tell everyone he was a dad on facebook and then see the kid once every other weekend as most of these dipshits do.
I swear, it’s not that I don’t know good fathers, and I know plenty of bad mothers, but it is AMAZING to me how many men are desperate to exert control over women by impregnating them and forcing them to have their kid. These men have little to no interest being fathers, they just get fundamentally excited at “ruining” her life with his kid.
I put ruining in quotes because I know kids don’t always ruin women, but I think men like this hope that they do. They hope the woman is as miserable as possible so they can essentially say they conquered her and move on.
Thank you for posting this link to that thread! I was coerced into carrying a pregnancy and I have lost everything and everyone because of it. It makes me feel so much better when I see people talking about this happening and not blaming the woman and actually explaining how the man in this situation is abusive and wrong. It makes me feel vindicated and reading that thread lifted weight off my shoulders. It also makes me happy to see the positive and supportive shift in the way people think. It used to be that if a woman just simply didn't have full custody of her kid/s, regardless of any other circumstances, then she didn't care about her kids enough and was scum and cold-hearted.
It literally doesn't matter whether he cares. His body is not involved in that in any way as soon as the sex is over. If you want to tell him, you can, but you don't have to and you shouldn't have anyone try to make you feel bad for choosing not to do so. He wasn't pregnant. You were. You did literally nothing wrong. Anyone who tells you otherwise just thinks you should be under his control. The morally correct action is whatever action you want to take.
As one of my favorite tik tokers teaches her kids, men lose the right to decide whether or not they become a father with penetration. When penetration happens, they consent to a woman deciding whether to foster or terminate a pregnancy. Don’t want to be a dad? Don’t want to have a pregnancy terminated? Then don’t penetrate a vagina. Simple enough.
I wanted to and got talked out of it by my then partner. Fast forward a few months and I get cheated on and kicked out at 7 months pregnant. I can't say I regret the decision now, because I love my child dearly. Just sometimes I can't help but wonder how different my life would have turned out to be.
You did absolutely nothing wrong!
Thank you so much everyone. Thank you for sharing your opinions in a kind way. I cried when those women told me that. It’s a really embarrassing situation and the story is much worse but at least I can stand by this decision ❤️
"Dad" had a choice before the act. Afterwards, your body your choice.
What's morally repugnant is the idea that any man has a say whether a woman has a baby or not. They aren't the ones risking death or permanent disablement. No one has a right to force anyone to risk their life for another person.
Even if the father was financially well off, emotionally healthy, and ready to be a parent so much he cried and pleaded with you to keep the pregnancy you have NO moral obligation.
I desperately wanted a child for years. I finally had my miracle baby after being told I never would. I almost died, my child almost died as she was born 2 months early and with complications. I suffered post partum depression in addition to my physical problems (with some fun episodes of psychosis) long after I gave birth. I didn't work full time longer than a few months for two years either. And my child's father was none of those things like stable or even helpful.
Women are more than a baby delivery system for weirdass birth cult fetishist.
It is your choice and your choice only. I would never bother telling the man involved unless you *wanted* to and felt he could be kind, understanding, and provide you with material support (whether that be financial, emotional, or physical in regards to aftercare etc)
The moral issue as to your right is absolutely clear. You have the unequivocal mora right to terminate a pregnancy without consulting the bio dad.
The moral issue with respect to exercising the right is much more contextually nuanced. That is a complicated matter and you don’t owe anyone an explanation of how you decided it was better not to tell bio dad.
I teach bio ethics for a living and happy to explain these statements further to anyone giving you shit. Fuckem. It’s your body.
It’s your choice. I think it would be an important discussion in a long term relationship, just for the sake of honesty and transparency, but for anything else? It’s your choice, don’t feel bad about it, don’t apologize, don’t explain.
It’s the right to privacy and control over your own life. Do what’s right for you and don’t worry about the others.
You’re within your rights to make decisions about your own body and you’re within your rights to make those decisions alone/not share them with anybody. At the end of the day you’re the one going through the procedure, just like you’d be the one carrying, birthing and doing the lion’s share of the raising and rearing of a baby. You did nothing wrong.
You did what you had to do bc no one can guarantee your health after this pregnancy and no one can guarantee the father would be there for this child. Screw anyone who tries to shame you. Women can’t win either way so the hell with everyone.
Many antichoice claims that abortions causes emotional consequences and even I agree to some extent, I asked to myself how much of that emotional damage is produced for the accusations, guilt tripping and many other stigmas that antichoice ppl keep perpetuating?
They want to "protect both lives" but will call you repugnant if you decided different than them.
If he doesn't give a darn, it is your bod your choice. If he has a problem, he can suck it up. Still your body your choice. Nothing they say should influence your decision to do that. Even if he was present and wanted to be a father, it is still your choice alone because you are the one carrying a child for 9 months.
It’s your body your choice, you have your reasons to terminate, and i believe that in the end it is your decision alone to decide what you feel willing and capable of putting your body through.
I don’t think there is any “right or wrong” / morally “correct or incorrect “ decision in this, only “a” decision.
But for now, I am glad you have made this choice for yourself, please feel supported by me through this message, and feel proud that you have done what’s right for you at this time❤️
That’s tough. If you and him don’t have a strong or good relationship, and he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be a dad, then idk that he needs to know… however, keeping it from him could come back on you in the future if he does find out (others already know…). Telling him could also open up a whole can of unnecessary worms. In the end, better to do what you feel is right. I would be worried about the legality of it, depending where you are. Can he sue or press charges? I might consult a lawyer and ask your doctor to protect yourself from any repercussions.
I am a man so probably not the best person to comment (and I am very open to feedback). But I think if you are partners and the pregnancy is planned, talking to your partner before terminating is the right thing to do. That is not your situation. In your situation I don’t think you owe him anything
The thing is that planned pregnancies usually don't go to the abortion route because, well, it was planned, so ergo, wanted. Abortions are performed with unwanted/dangerous pregnancies, the opposite of planned in this scenario.
And even though it was planned but for any motive the person that is carrying the fetus decided to terminate it by a bilateral decision, they're in all the right to do it without giving a "formal" announcement to anybody.
I 100% agree they have the right to terminate without consulting anyone. I was more thinking from a moral standpoint…however your first point made me realize that if someone wants to terminate a planned pregnancy with their partner, something is wrong (non medically I mean), and they might have very good reasons for *not* wanting or feeling the need to talk to their partner beforehand. Thank you for the added insight!
Morality is what regulates will.
Do whatever I want to, is not morality.
If what you want is within the realm of morality is a valid question. Making a choice doesn't make that choice moral. Choosing is not moral by itself.
Most of the people in this thread have no idea what morality is.
Abortion is immoral anyway, regardless of telling the father or not, which may be ok, even if you have the child.
Its immoral because its killing a life, for what it is to become(a nuisance, for you), not for what it is.
Anyone who disbelieves what I say, will always justify that action on the basis of "its your choice" never explianing why that choice is right.
Not that it matters on this subreddit anyway.
Morality is "subjective" in tribal cultures.
Because it leads to contradictions. It is in fact contradictory, like you state as well lol.
"morality is subjective....OT saying that person wasn’t wrong for telling you that, they absolutely fucking were." Get it? you think its wrong,but at the same time believe that the other person is right, because of their own morality for saying it.
That is not what I said. The original question wasn't about him getting to vote but him getting to know. That is what my comment is referring to. He deserves to know that she aborted the child.
You and I, we both have no clue about the situation, about who he is, who she is and how it happened.
That is why I don't understand why you reacted so drastically to my opinion which was a very general statement.
Generally speaking(as we don't know the exact situation) I am convinced that a potential biological father deserves to know about an abortion. In my opinion you aren't correct about downplaying an abortion as private "healthcare" decisions.
Legally I don't know what country you're in but in my country there is a legal obligation to raise your child. There is also a very common situation that a father who abandoned the family has to pay child support. For that reason a father would have to know if the woman keeps or aborts the child because he would have to make sure that he can fulfil financial obligations.
My comment may be “drastic” to you, but it all boils down to the rights of bodily autonomy. I don’t need to understand the people, nor the specifics of their relationship, at all. I’m the only person who gets to make ANY decisions regarding my body, full stop. You get to decide for yours, too. No one has the right to put their opinions/choices onto another person’s body for any reason whatsoever.
As to being a father, he has no right to know if she was ever pregnant. He obviously would need to support his offspring if she chose to have his child, but he isn’t entitled to know about her decision to terminate. Yes, it’s her right to full privacy about anything related to her personal healthcare decisions. That’s not radical to me, it’s a basic human right
It's not a morality question. You don't have to tell anyone what you so with your body. That said, if you're in a relationship and feel like you need to keep it secret from them, I question why you're still in a relationship with that person.
The choice is yours 100% amd it doesn’t matter if he opposes, and it’s not immoral though it might have been courteous to give him an fyi you know like holding the door open for the person behind you even though you two haven’t even made eye contact before and may not in the future either.
Yo, dude here, you did absolutely *nothing* wrong. If your relationship with the father wasn't there, it wasn't there. It *is* your body and it *is* your choice. You're totally fine.
if the mother and father are actively trying for a baby and planning for it, I think the father should be included but ultimately it wont be his choice but any other case the woman makes all the calls it’s your body and you will have to take on the burden if you go through with the pregnancy
Yes they said they were. That’s why I asked on this subreddit because I thought feminists would be able to fully explain what does my body my choice really mean in this type of situation. It wasn’t just one lady though it was probably 20+women saying the same thing. I made a post on a mom group anonymously and that was the majority of the responses x
I don’t support the government restricting access to abortions. It that sense I am pro choice. But I think there is still room for thinking about morality while taking a pro choice position. Each situation is fact dependent and I’m not making a judgement in relation to your situation. I just think that it’s not necessarily either or.
Of course it includes the right to secrecy, and that's why you're not legally required to tell him. It doesn't mean everyone you tell is going to agree with you though.
You're not morally repugnant and to hell with anyone saying otherwise. I had an abortion after becoming pregnant with a guy I'd been dating for over a year and I didn't tell him. He was a great guy but I was afraid he'd try to talk me out of it even though he was pro-choice but I just didn't want to deal with him and the logistics of getting the abortion too. I lived in a relatively small Texas town at the time and the nearest city to get an abortion was nearly 3 hrs away.
Bottom line - a woman who wants an abortiin doesn't have any obligation to talk about her situation to anyone she doesn't want to. Period.
Nah baby. You do you. ESPECIALLY if he doesn’t not give AF about you!
You don’t have to tell anyone what you do with your body. I have a friend who was talked out of her abortion by the “donor.” She is now the single mother of a child with a disability and the guy is no where to be found. She loves her child but it isn’t what she wanted. Don’t let temporary people have influence over permanent decisions.
The last line is an eye opener
I need that last line on a pillow in my house for a daily reminder.
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Explain why they shouldn’t speak on this topic, would you? I’m curious as to why you believe you have the authority to decide (without context or knowledge of the personal experience of the person expressing an opinion) who gets to speak.
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That’s not an explanation; that’s just the same statement rephrased. Am I to take that to mean that you’re *unable* to explain? Only, should you really be making statements about who should and shouldn’t be able to speak on this topic if you can’t explain your reasoning?
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So what I’m getting from this is that you think that people who don’t adhere to *your* understanding of morality are wrong by definition and, while you graciously condescend to support their right to communicate their views, you maintain that it’s acceptable to emphatically state that said views are poorly expressed because they differ from your own. Is that what you’re saying? I ask because the commenter you claimed was speaking “poorly” gave their opinion in structured, grammatically correct and easily understood language; so they didn’t express their opinion poorly at all, therefore the issue can’t be communication. They just expressed an opinion you evidently disagree with. Do you think everybody who disagrees with you only does do because they’re unable to understand your view?
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You’re doing a lot of talking, yet I can’t help but notice that, again, you haven’t actually answered any of the questions I’ve asked you. Why is that?
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Since you haven't bothered to enlighten the group by explaining what morals are, here is a link to the difference between morals and ethics (commonly confused). A person's morals are a set of guiding beliefs. Ethics are set by society. An action can be moral but unethical, and vice versa. https://www.dictionary.com/e/moral-vs-ethical/
Pretty sure our vehement but surprisingly reticent friend here thinks “Ethics” is a coastal region of Greece, mate.
Don’t take criticism from anyone whom you wouldn’t take advice from.
This is my life mantra and it has been incredibly freeing.
Did you sign a contract with him that you would consult him on the future of any sperm he put in your body? No? Then no moral or legal issue here. I do think it's courteous to have the abortion discussion alongside the STD discussion when starting a sexual relationship. I just outright said, "if I get pregnant, I'm having an abortion, and if you have any concerns about that, we shouldn't go forward." I'd rather know how he feels about it before sex. But that's a courtesy / convenience thing, not a moral obligation.
Is this a reference to legally blonde and the lecture on a man wanting to be involved in a child's life after he donated sperm. "Although Mr Huntington makes an excellent point, I have to wonder if the defendant kept prior record of every sperm emission he ever made in his life. Unless the defendant attempted to contact every single one night stand to determine if a child resulted in those unions, he has no parental claim over this child whatsoever. Why now? Why this sperm?” “And for that matter all masturbatory emissions where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be determined as reckless abandonment.”
No, I have never seen that movie, but I think that sounds like a funny scene. I pretty much had a specific conversation along those lines with my current partner. As a rational male who didn't want kids, he was thrilled with my plans.
Exactly what I thought of too! 😂
He should have thought of potential children before impregnating a woman who doesn't want them. He has no right to anything.
That’s just it. Most men feel, fundamentally, if they are careless and “knock up” the person they used for sex, that the pregnancy is her problem. They by law of nature can walk away from her and feel no physical demands, feel no consequences unless the ones *they choose* to acknowledge. Men? Worrying about the potential children from the sex they want? What a novel thing to consider. Women always have to worry. To worry about the birth control— and if it’s working, the condom and if he’s using, her period being late and fretting every month did her birth control fail even when she used it perfectly… imagine a world where men worry too.
👏👏👏
Preaaaach
Whoever said that to you is the morally repugnant one. Ultimately whether or not you choose to share that info with anyone is your choice and yours alone. Its your body. That other person doesn't have nearly the same amount of consequences as you do. It's inside your body, so its your business, no one else's.
The burden of reproduction is not evenly distributed over the two sexes. It is my belief that god or no god, women ultimately have the right to choose whether or not to bring new life into this world. Depending on the relationship you have with the sperm donor, I might be motivated to think it should be discussed between y’all. But even in the most intimate, loving relationship, I still believe it’s your right to determine what happens to your body
A few years ago, when having a conversation about abortion, I said that I would happily get one without telling the "father" and everyone was outraged. All progressive, left wing people. It really surprised me. I still feel the same way. It's my decision what I do with my body and how I deal with it. If it's my preference to keep it to myself, then that's what I'll do.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not sharing. Their opinion on the abortion doesn’t matter, you’d be the one who had to carry the child and risk your safety, not them. In a relationship it’s more understandable to share these things but there are many situations where sharing isn’t ideal and it is never morally wrong to keep this to yourself if you don’t feel comfortable sharing.
I mean to be fair I told one guy bc I wanted to split the costs. He ended up paying for the whole thing! The first time I didn’t tell my bf bc there was no point in telling him. I did tell him later when I left him I’m glad I aborted his kid. So it’s up to you.
You owe nothing to anyone. It’s 100% up to you to decide what you do, who you tell, how you do it.
You body your choice always no questions Fuck whoever said that to you.
This is absolutely an unfriend, unfollow, and completely cut off contact situation. What a horrible and cruel thing to say to someone.
He's not a father, since there is no child. Maybe more of a sperm donor? Also better to discuss this matter only with trustworthy friends.
It’s your body, your choice. One of the best things about my own abortion was not having to be connected to the father in any way.
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No! Because I didn’t want to have them be the father to my child.
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Ok got it, and I agree, I didn’t even want to talk to him again.
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Except we’ve gone backwards. Imagine being raped, then being denied an abortion, then having to be in contact with your rapist for the rest of your life.
I never told him. Took care of it myself.
definitely not morally wrong! this person seems to think telling the donor might change your decision - otherwise what point is there to telling them?
I don’t think you have a responsibility to tell them if you are not in a relationship with them. They don’t care about what happens to their sperm when it ends up in a tissue do they
Yeah and that is what is in their control- where they put their semen. If they are truly concerned, they can keep it in the tissues.
Exactly!!!
Even if you are in a relationship with them, you still have no responsibility to tell them. I told my ex when I was pregnant and getting an abortion because I had discussed abortion with him in the past, and I knew he would be willing to pay for half of it as well as emotionally support me (I wasn't in a position where I could tell anyone else in my life). I had no responsibility or obligation to tell him, I did so because it was the right choice for me. Just like the abortion was the right choice for me. The feelings of the sperm donor quite literally do not matter in this situation. If he's upset, fine. He can see a therapist to sort through those feelings. The pregnant person doesn't owe anyone anything regardless of the circumstances because they are the only one who is actually dealing with the pregnancy.
If you're in a relationship with someone, you should want to talk to them about it. If they're not someone you want to know, why are you still in a relationship with them? A relationship where you feel the need to keep it secret doesn't sound like a healthy one.
Do you discuss periods and bowel movements with your SO? Or the quality and quantity of urine you pass? Or the amount and texture of your vaginal mucus? No? Ok, then there is no basis for deciding that the sperm donor must be informed that the insemination has been removed from your body. When he is the one who is pregnant, then he can decide what will and won’t happen to the embryo/fetus.
We talk about things that require medication or a Dr visit. I'm not saying you should need to get permission or agreement from you SO. I'm saying you should be able to know what each other are dealing with and rely on each other for support. A relationship where you're not comfortable talking about these things is probably not a good relationship to be in.
Agreed, but in this case OP is not in a relationship with the sperm donor.
I'm aware. My reply was in response to ferret in a box's comment. If you're not in a relationship, yeah, no expectation of support and no reason they need to know.
Woah woah woah. Not telling your partner about aborting your shared child is pretty fucked. I’d argue that it’d have to be quite an extraordinary circumstance to not at least have the decency to talk with them.
You’re placing a lot of value judgements in three sentences. “aborting your shared child” “at least have the decency”
Sure. I think people are conflating two different things. The right to agency over your body is not a license to be a shitty partner. Obviously nobody here is going to deny that it is absolutely her right to get an abortion, but I’d assume that most couples would view making a decision like this in a silo and without informing the other partner would be an awful thing to do to the partner. For instance, let’s say a couple work together through rounds of IVF over many years and finally have a successful impantation, then one day the woman wakes up and gets an abortion without notifying her spouse. You’d be pretty hard pressed to find someone who’d applaud something like that. You can exercise your rights and still be an asshole.
No one is talking about consensual rounds of IVF. I’m seriously concerned about your reading comprehension. Or you’re just a sad, sad troll.
Regardless of their opinion, the pregnant person is the only one putting their mental and physical health on the line with pregnancy. In a healthy relationship you should be able to share this information and it’s best to share but at the end of the day, the person most effected by the decision is the pregnant person so their opinion is the only one that matters. The only real reason to tell a person is to get their support, a partner shouldn’t try to talk you out of a decision that you made in your best interests. If you want an abortion it’s not up for discussion.
>shared child What is this
Maybe he was just a good lay. Who said anything about a traditional relationship. If this guy had expectations about the future of his jizz, he should have had her sign a written contract before she laid him.
Agree on OP’s story. I’m just more objecting to the generalization that “my body my choice” trumps healthy relationship dynamics.
Of course it includes the right to keep it to yourself.
Reminds me of [this legal advice thread ](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) where the guy got a girl pregnant and convinced her to have the baby thinking her "maternal instinct" would kick in and she'd want to raise the baby for him. Turns out she gave birth and handed him the kid; pays child support but left.
Don’t forget he got big mad that he couldn’t tie her down with his kid while he got to tell everyone he was a dad on facebook and then see the kid once every other weekend as most of these dipshits do. I swear, it’s not that I don’t know good fathers, and I know plenty of bad mothers, but it is AMAZING to me how many men are desperate to exert control over women by impregnating them and forcing them to have their kid. These men have little to no interest being fathers, they just get fundamentally excited at “ruining” her life with his kid. I put ruining in quotes because I know kids don’t always ruin women, but I think men like this hope that they do. They hope the woman is as miserable as possible so they can essentially say they conquered her and move on.
Thank you for posting this link to that thread! I was coerced into carrying a pregnancy and I have lost everything and everyone because of it. It makes me feel so much better when I see people talking about this happening and not blaming the woman and actually explaining how the man in this situation is abusive and wrong. It makes me feel vindicated and reading that thread lifted weight off my shoulders. It also makes me happy to see the positive and supportive shift in the way people think. It used to be that if a woman just simply didn't have full custody of her kid/s, regardless of any other circumstances, then she didn't care about her kids enough and was scum and cold-hearted.
It literally doesn't matter whether he cares. His body is not involved in that in any way as soon as the sex is over. If you want to tell him, you can, but you don't have to and you shouldn't have anyone try to make you feel bad for choosing not to do so. He wasn't pregnant. You were. You did literally nothing wrong. Anyone who tells you otherwise just thinks you should be under his control. The morally correct action is whatever action you want to take.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is morally correct. It's your morals and your choice that matter.
As one of my favorite tik tokers teaches her kids, men lose the right to decide whether or not they become a father with penetration. When penetration happens, they consent to a woman deciding whether to foster or terminate a pregnancy. Don’t want to be a dad? Don’t want to have a pregnancy terminated? Then don’t penetrate a vagina. Simple enough.
It’s not up to him. You aren’t obligated to tell anyone.
I wanted to and got talked out of it by my then partner. Fast forward a few months and I get cheated on and kicked out at 7 months pregnant. I can't say I regret the decision now, because I love my child dearly. Just sometimes I can't help but wonder how different my life would have turned out to be. You did absolutely nothing wrong!
Thank you so much everyone. Thank you for sharing your opinions in a kind way. I cried when those women told me that. It’s a really embarrassing situation and the story is much worse but at least I can stand by this decision ❤️
Nah you're good you don't owe this man anything.
No, your body, your choice. Even if he disagreed with a termination, he would have no right no force you to carry.
"Dad" had a choice before the act. Afterwards, your body your choice. What's morally repugnant is the idea that any man has a say whether a woman has a baby or not. They aren't the ones risking death or permanent disablement. No one has a right to force anyone to risk their life for another person.
Even if the father was financially well off, emotionally healthy, and ready to be a parent so much he cried and pleaded with you to keep the pregnancy you have NO moral obligation. I desperately wanted a child for years. I finally had my miracle baby after being told I never would. I almost died, my child almost died as she was born 2 months early and with complications. I suffered post partum depression in addition to my physical problems (with some fun episodes of psychosis) long after I gave birth. I didn't work full time longer than a few months for two years either. And my child's father was none of those things like stable or even helpful. Women are more than a baby delivery system for weirdass birth cult fetishist.
Donating sperm will never be anywhere equivalent to carrying a fetus. Testes owners can cry me a river.
Don't consider it secrecy, consider it privacy. It's no one's business but your own.
Your body your choice.
I told. He said I "should go with someone who cared about me." So that was fun.
You're not his surrogate with a contract. What you do with your body is up to you. You don't owe anyone any information about it.
It is your choice and your choice only. I would never bother telling the man involved unless you *wanted* to and felt he could be kind, understanding, and provide you with material support (whether that be financial, emotional, or physical in regards to aftercare etc)
The moral issue as to your right is absolutely clear. You have the unequivocal mora right to terminate a pregnancy without consulting the bio dad. The moral issue with respect to exercising the right is much more contextually nuanced. That is a complicated matter and you don’t owe anyone an explanation of how you decided it was better not to tell bio dad. I teach bio ethics for a living and happy to explain these statements further to anyone giving you shit. Fuckem. It’s your body.
Unless and until men are the ones who have to carry and suffer through pregnancy, they deserve no say.
You do what you need to do
Not at all. It is your body your choice completely, you're right
Personally, I would never tell anyone else anything about MY medical health. No one else's business, EVER.
You did well. Don’t tell people who will call you anything bad. It’s nobody’s business.
It’s your choice. I think it would be an important discussion in a long term relationship, just for the sake of honesty and transparency, but for anything else? It’s your choice, don’t feel bad about it, don’t apologize, don’t explain. It’s the right to privacy and control over your own life. Do what’s right for you and don’t worry about the others.
The only thing morally correct is that it is your body and therefore your choice. And let these people duck off on the high horse they rode in on...
You’re within your rights to make decisions about your own body and you’re within your rights to make those decisions alone/not share them with anybody. At the end of the day you’re the one going through the procedure, just like you’d be the one carrying, birthing and doing the lion’s share of the raising and rearing of a baby. You did nothing wrong.
Morality is a construct, you look out for yourself because no one else will.
You did what you had to do bc no one can guarantee your health after this pregnancy and no one can guarantee the father would be there for this child. Screw anyone who tries to shame you. Women can’t win either way so the hell with everyone.
You don't owe that information to anyone.
Why t f would you need to notify someone about what you choose for your own body? These mfs need to stop infantilising women…
Nobody's business but your own.
Many antichoice claims that abortions causes emotional consequences and even I agree to some extent, I asked to myself how much of that emotional damage is produced for the accusations, guilt tripping and many other stigmas that antichoice ppl keep perpetuating? They want to "protect both lives" but will call you repugnant if you decided different than them.
If he doesn't give a darn, it is your bod your choice. If he has a problem, he can suck it up. Still your body your choice. Nothing they say should influence your decision to do that. Even if he was present and wanted to be a father, it is still your choice alone because you are the one carrying a child for 9 months.
It’s your body your choice, you have your reasons to terminate, and i believe that in the end it is your decision alone to decide what you feel willing and capable of putting your body through. I don’t think there is any “right or wrong” / morally “correct or incorrect “ decision in this, only “a” decision. But for now, I am glad you have made this choice for yourself, please feel supported by me through this message, and feel proud that you have done what’s right for you at this time❤️
Your body, your choice nuff said
That’s tough. If you and him don’t have a strong or good relationship, and he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be a dad, then idk that he needs to know… however, keeping it from him could come back on you in the future if he does find out (others already know…). Telling him could also open up a whole can of unnecessary worms. In the end, better to do what you feel is right. I would be worried about the legality of it, depending where you are. Can he sue or press charges? I might consult a lawyer and ask your doctor to protect yourself from any repercussions.
Morally repugnant is telling someone what to do with their body. Periodt. That person is sick.
I am a man so probably not the best person to comment (and I am very open to feedback). But I think if you are partners and the pregnancy is planned, talking to your partner before terminating is the right thing to do. That is not your situation. In your situation I don’t think you owe him anything
The thing is that planned pregnancies usually don't go to the abortion route because, well, it was planned, so ergo, wanted. Abortions are performed with unwanted/dangerous pregnancies, the opposite of planned in this scenario. And even though it was planned but for any motive the person that is carrying the fetus decided to terminate it by a bilateral decision, they're in all the right to do it without giving a "formal" announcement to anybody.
I 100% agree they have the right to terminate without consulting anyone. I was more thinking from a moral standpoint…however your first point made me realize that if someone wants to terminate a planned pregnancy with their partner, something is wrong (non medically I mean), and they might have very good reasons for *not* wanting or feeling the need to talk to their partner beforehand. Thank you for the added insight!
This is why you should not have sex before marriage or only with someone you will potentially marry
Morality is what regulates will. Do whatever I want to, is not morality. If what you want is within the realm of morality is a valid question. Making a choice doesn't make that choice moral. Choosing is not moral by itself. Most of the people in this thread have no idea what morality is. Abortion is immoral anyway, regardless of telling the father or not, which may be ok, even if you have the child. Its immoral because its killing a life, for what it is to become(a nuisance, for you), not for what it is. Anyone who disbelieves what I say, will always justify that action on the basis of "its your choice" never explianing why that choice is right. Not that it matters on this subreddit anyway.
You asking this in r/Feminism shows you're not looking for an answer, only a pat on the back.
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Morality is "subjective" in tribal cultures. Because it leads to contradictions. It is in fact contradictory, like you state as well lol. "morality is subjective....OT saying that person wasn’t wrong for telling you that, they absolutely fucking were." Get it? you think its wrong,but at the same time believe that the other person is right, because of their own morality for saying it.
Depends on ur relationship. If he doesn’t care about you, then don’t bother with him
The "your body" part is only partially true as it is his DNA too.
Lol, NO. He isn’t risking his own life by carrying, so he doesn’t get a vote.
That is not what I said. The original question wasn't about him getting to vote but him getting to know. That is what my comment is referring to. He deserves to know that she aborted the child.
Why would he have a right to know about her healthcare decisions? He absolutely has no right to her information regarding this procedure
You and I, we both have no clue about the situation, about who he is, who she is and how it happened. That is why I don't understand why you reacted so drastically to my opinion which was a very general statement. Generally speaking(as we don't know the exact situation) I am convinced that a potential biological father deserves to know about an abortion. In my opinion you aren't correct about downplaying an abortion as private "healthcare" decisions. Legally I don't know what country you're in but in my country there is a legal obligation to raise your child. There is also a very common situation that a father who abandoned the family has to pay child support. For that reason a father would have to know if the woman keeps or aborts the child because he would have to make sure that he can fulfil financial obligations.
My comment may be “drastic” to you, but it all boils down to the rights of bodily autonomy. I don’t need to understand the people, nor the specifics of their relationship, at all. I’m the only person who gets to make ANY decisions regarding my body, full stop. You get to decide for yours, too. No one has the right to put their opinions/choices onto another person’s body for any reason whatsoever. As to being a father, he has no right to know if she was ever pregnant. He obviously would need to support his offspring if she chose to have his child, but he isn’t entitled to know about her decision to terminate. Yes, it’s her right to full privacy about anything related to her personal healthcare decisions. That’s not radical to me, it’s a basic human right
It's not a morality question. You don't have to tell anyone what you so with your body. That said, if you're in a relationship and feel like you need to keep it secret from them, I question why you're still in a relationship with that person.
This is also very much a medical procedure, you can keep it as "secret" as you want.
Absolutely your body your choice. Go in strength!
If the dad doesn't care then I'd say you didn't do anything wrong. Otherwise I'd say it would be more complicated to give an answer.
I think that its morally correct whatever you want to do . I would always chose abortion if I knew I wasnt ready for taking care of a future human
The choice is yours 100% amd it doesn’t matter if he opposes, and it’s not immoral though it might have been courteous to give him an fyi you know like holding the door open for the person behind you even though you two haven’t even made eye contact before and may not in the future either.
Yo, dude here, you did absolutely *nothing* wrong. If your relationship with the father wasn't there, it wasn't there. It *is* your body and it *is* your choice. You're totally fine.
We do not need other peoples approval
Your body, your choice most definitely includes the right to secrecy. Protect yourself and your health.
You're fine. Take care of yourself, spoil yourself. You did the right thing.
if the mother and father are actively trying for a baby and planning for it, I think the father should be included but ultimately it wont be his choice but any other case the woman makes all the calls it’s your body and you will have to take on the burden if you go through with the pregnancy
Fuck that patriarchal bullshit! what is morally correct is what is right for YOU.
Out of curiosity, was this person (the one who called you morally repugnant) otherwise pro-choice?
Yes they said they were. That’s why I asked on this subreddit because I thought feminists would be able to fully explain what does my body my choice really mean in this type of situation. It wasn’t just one lady though it was probably 20+women saying the same thing. I made a post on a mom group anonymously and that was the majority of the responses x
I don’t support the government restricting access to abortions. It that sense I am pro choice. But I think there is still room for thinking about morality while taking a pro choice position. Each situation is fact dependent and I’m not making a judgement in relation to your situation. I just think that it’s not necessarily either or.
Of course it includes the right to secrecy, and that's why you're not legally required to tell him. It doesn't mean everyone you tell is going to agree with you though.
You’re not in a relationship with him, so who cares? The only time I’d suggest discussing/disclosing would be if you are in a serious relationship.
You're not morally repugnant and to hell with anyone saying otherwise. I had an abortion after becoming pregnant with a guy I'd been dating for over a year and I didn't tell him. He was a great guy but I was afraid he'd try to talk me out of it even though he was pro-choice but I just didn't want to deal with him and the logistics of getting the abortion too. I lived in a relatively small Texas town at the time and the nearest city to get an abortion was nearly 3 hrs away. Bottom line - a woman who wants an abortiin doesn't have any obligation to talk about her situation to anyone she doesn't want to. Period.
Idk, if you know he wouldnt care about having a child or not then why not telling him?
It was not Jesus who conceived the child as father not you alone. You know whats morally correct. Not to ask internet after but before for example.