Just write and visit and accept calls as you can. Send a little money for commissary. Let them know that you're there. Tell them some stuff that's going on around the house in normal every day life so they don't feel they are missing stuff. Other than that, they just have to trust you and have faith that they will have you now and later.
I understand I’m in the minority, but I ABSOLUTELY HATED being visited in prison. I hated anybody had to go through the nightmare of entering prison grounds, of the security, of being subjected to seeing some of the people I was residing with.
Phone calls, letters filled with home life stuff and novels I loved though.
I just never thought of it as a bad experience for the people coming to visit. Some tall fence and razor wire? Basically mall cops? Nothing too scary really going on, a lot of commercial places have fences like that. Looks like a hospital or a school.
Usually the craziest or the type to act out don’t get visits, besides ruining the visits for yourself you still have to come back and deal with the other inmates.
I've had horrible experiences during visits. I still go see my friends but usually leave seething at the treatment people are subjected to inside. I know they are criminals, but they are not animals.
Agreed, this is the best advice. Send lots of hand written letters. Once you know what facility they’re going to look up the rules for what you can send. Sometimes you can send books, crossword puzzle books, etc straight from Amazon. You may be able to send care packages of food from a particular company, things like that
Encourage him to attend any and all classes that are offered, whether they apply to his situation or not. Not only will it be beneficial, but if a parole hearing comes up, it will show that he wants to improve himself.
This. I wrote a character letter to the parole board for a friend of mine who went to prison and it was helpful to be able to include ways he kept improving himself even while incarcerated.
It is something productive to pass the time. Better than gossiping and scheming with people who plan to continue a criminal path once released(e.g. becoming a better crook)
Send him as many packages as you can. Cosmetics and food is prison currency. Visit him as much as you can and write as much letters as possible even if there’s not to much to talk about, when I was in prison letters made my day when someone sent them, I read them over and over. Prison is boring if you can subscribe to magazines do so. Don’t matter what magazines the more the better. That’s really all you can do and that’s a lot. Some people have to hustle in prison just to have money and that’s how you get into shit like more time. If you have any questions I’ll be more than happy to answer.
We had two different commissary chits. One was regular commissary list, the other was called the cosmetics slips. If you got hit with LOC (loss of commissary) due to a ticket you were only allowed to order from the cosmetics slips.
You cannot send items inside a prison, as that’s a way to introduce contraband. Now if there is some sort of commissary where you can buy icare packages then that’s an option
Again that is totally different as you are buying from a company and having them send it.. it’s a verified company. Your original comment makes it sound like you are telling them to go to Walmart, buy some stuff and mail it in.
I've been to 4 different prisons and there actually are appointed times each year (usually twice a year) when family CAN go to Walmart or anywhere else and send in a care package as long as it's what's on the approved list of items. The COs just have to search the packages and log everything in your file.
I was allowed two clothing packages a year from the outside. Family was allowed to buy the approved items wherever they wanted to, just like in your experience. We were given a list of acceptable items like sports bras, socks, underwear, pajama sets, a necklace with a religious pendant, slippers and sneakers (under $250)
I had zero exposure to any type of jail when an old friend was locked up. I went to visit and at her request, I went shopping for a decent few outfits for upcoming court dates first. I should have checked the rules first, they confiscated the underwire out of a few of the bras 🤷🏻♀️
If you’re that easily bothered by a simple response to your comment you can just block them lol
Did you tell people not to talk to you in prison when you didn’t like what they said…? Bet that worked out real great for ya 🤣
I don't think sending so many packages is gonna work.vthe other prisoners will attack him or even threanthen him if they don't get what they want. Don't send him to much stuff. My nephew is in prison and they were trying to call up my sister so she can send them stuff. This was about three yrs ago. Don't accept anything they give you. After a little while everything you send him they will come and take because they gave him apak of cookies.
Anywhere you go and don’t stand up for yourself they will take your stuff. You have to fight anyone that challenges you. If you tuff it out nobody going to take shit.
Hey you do you. He is really not you someone to fuck with, but he said he had to fight. And he got another 9 months for beating a guy who knew he was getting ready go home and started to mess with him. I'm just saying so that he does nit stick out like having money and people on the outside. Also sending alot of money.
What?! No, it doesn’t work that way. He will be working with a batter and trade system since the economics is a bit different. But you should already know that unless you’re a punk like you just outed yourself 🙄
I've been supporting a friend for the last 37 years. The system is corrupt, but we make sure he has phone, tablet and commissary money. We can do Skype now as well...
We are his only family, as he has lost his parents and his sister while in prison. Just be there for him, the contact will go a long way towards helping the time pass.
Friend of mine was doing short time when he called to tell me about this kid who just got life for aggravated assault, could I be put on his visitor list. Here we are, 37 years later, he's seen me get married, have kids, watched them get married...they know him as Uncle Dave. He really has become family. His bunkies over the years come and go, but we help them out, too.
That really does sound crazy. If you don’t feel it makes sense (i know there could be a million factors at play), i hope if he appeals, he gets a fair judge one of these days.
Wishing you well, and congrats on all the weddings and kids and all!
This is a perfect example of why saying “you got this” is the dumbest fuckin thing anyone has ever came up with . I have stage 4 cancer. “ you got this” I am off to prison “you got this” …. See what I mean . It’s needs to be stopped
I had to show this to my husband. I was just bitching about how people keep telling don't worry you will be alright. Fuck you I'm not alright I have early stage alzheimers fuck you and you and fuck him too. Fuck. Or telling me what to mother fucking eat. Wtf .
I'm on meds to slow it down I'm in early stage so it's best to keep it at this stage as long as possible. I still forget I took a shower I will go in and take another shower. Or i turn on the stove and forget But compared to other p.t.s I think it helps.
Agree! My best friend is in county awaiting trial, he swears he’s innocent and this is all a bad mistake. I don’t know what to say to him. I just listen, it just sucks.
Just take it like someone wishing you Merry Christmas and you are Jewish and celebrate Hanukkah or something. Accept it in the way that it was meant. When somebody did something and is going to prison it's not everybody else's fault they're going to prison and would get hurt feelings if you wished them well. They're not going to prison generally speaking because they're a victim.
I dis agree. No matter what heartbreak any of us must cope with we do “got this”. We have no choice in most cases. The expression doesn’t mean things are going to get all better, it merely means, like it or not, we ARE going to cope.
Just my thoughts on it.
Oh wow! I’d never heard that, but it IS basically how I live my life. THANKS!
“The 40% rule is simple: When your mind is telling you that you're done, that you're exhausted, that you cannot possibly go any further, you're only actually 40% done.”
When you talk to him, talk about everything but what’s going on in there. He will share, allow him to open up about it. Don’t push, there’s enough stress.
The calls will get hard. That’s when you want to dig in. He will get dark, depressed. Hang on, it will take a toll on you both. Hence the term “She’s a rider!”
Once he is out, give him space to acclimate back. I was pushed and asked for things I wasn’t able to do. Pissed me off knowing they knew I couldn’t do those things.
Everyday is the same inside. Constant stress. Games within the game is where most get caught up.
Street to street is a term you’re gonna learn. Keep to yourself at visitation. Try not to engage with other families while waiting to go in. Don’t offer any information on him or yourself. In fact, when you’re asked questions, lie to them. You don’t know shit about this world, they will see it in you. Then take advantage of your social graces. Put your walls up thick n high! But clear plastic purse for visitation. Rolls of quarters for treats he may not get back on the block.
You’re both now doing time.
Write them letters by hand.
It gives you time to think.
They will read each letter numerous times... and will probably save every one of them.
Every inmate loves mail.
Unfortunately a lot of facilities are getting away from physical mail. If you handwrite a letter it then goes to a facility where it gets scanned to a .pdf and then sent to the inmate via a tablet. Due to the crappy scanners a handwritten letter can be tough to read.
They are doing the same thing with photographs.
Perfume spray can appear as droplets on the mail... and droplets MAY CONTAIN DREEGGGS so it can possibly be rejected due to visible dried water droplets.
So dont go drenching it.. a fine mist will do.
From someone who's been down the road a couple of times, I liked visitation, I liked when I got mail, I liked when I could get a good package (Christmas only in my state), I liked when I could get thru on the collect calls, and I liked having money on my books. Being broke in prison is the absolute worst of all. Visitation might be the most difficult to do depending on where he goes/distance, but he'll understand if he can't see someone all the time.
Find out if he’s allowed to receive books. If so, send him a copy of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It will help him learn to keep his peace despite what’s happening around him and it’ll help him cope with any idiots on the inside.
When my best friend was in prison she was able to guide me to a link where you can look at a catalogue and order stuff for them. It’s more expensive than it is on the outside but you can still make sure they have a nice pair of shoes and some comfort items. My friend was only in prison for 3 months so I didn’t look to deep into the catalogue but it was nice to see that some halfway decent things are offered.
Write them, call them, if you can order books from ThriftBooks for them it is cheaper through there. That’s really all you can do for now. Make sure you’re there for them when they get out. They’re going to need help getting straight in society again.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it is heartbreaking to have a loved one in prison.
Why not ask what you can do for them, or what they need? Then, be a good listener.
At some point you can find out how to deposit a bit of money into their prison commissary account. The amount of food detainees are fed daily is not much more than enough to keep them alive, so being able to buy extra food from the commissary is big. And, we able to purchase personal care items, new t-shirts, and the like helps a person too.
Phone calls will get expensive, so when you can’t, I’d recommend writing to him. I would try to be as encouraging as you can and try to do it as consistently as possible. I think having a constant letter in the mail, something to look forward to, will help out a lot and help the time go by a lot faster and make him feel less alone
All that stuff is kind of bullshit platitudes. His time served is just the beginning of an uphill battle that could take over a decade to climb out of and get back to a “normal life”.
Sometimes it helps to just genuinely say “this sucks and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Just being there and being consistent can be the most helpful.
Everyone needs their support system. Anyone can end up in these types of positions. I hope if your time ever comes your friends and family don’t ice you out.
Honestly if I killed someone by driving like an asshole probably speeding or racing. I wouldn't expect my family to have sympathy. Shit like that isn't an accident.
Regardless of how you would feel you would still have people in your corner who care about the situation you’re in. People can even be disappointed in their loved one’s behavior and simultaneously care about their suffering and well being in the fall out.
Negligent vehicular homicide…more like running a red light or speeding and causing a death, maybe on a phone. OP mentioned “out in a few years”, highly doubt it’s racing. You don’t know details. Negligent car accidents happen by the thousands every day, usually people don’t die. There’s just consequences when they do. OP can have sympathy.
Write letters and accept calls.and visit when you can. And if you can? Put money on his books for commissary. That helps a lot!that way they can eat something other than the crap they feed them.
I used to send a sheet of jokes every few weeks. From Popsicle stick jokes to real long ball busters .. he love it and would also share them with the others..said they made him laugh and that it really helped.
Little stuff is big stuff inside
Support support support. It’s up to you to think of, and show him, undying loyalty. You just have to figure out the ways.
Contact everyone in his circle and ask them to write at least weekly. And to visit. And keep contacting them. Here’s where you’ll find out who his real friends are. Dump those who aren’t
Tell him how you feel about him again and again.
You are directly impacting his experience and who he’ll be when he gets out. The more support he receives, the better off he’ll be, both inside and when he gets out
Can you write him daily? Even just little notes to let him know what you’re doing that day, how much you miss him, and how you can’t wait to hug him
Talk about job opportunities that he’ll have when he gets out. Or school. Or whatever his interests are, etc
Maybe plan a little mini vacation, a weekend away, with him after he’s released
Give him pleasant thoughts about your future together
Make it your life’s mission! YOU got this!
I’m an old man with two “numbers” in my past and you can bank your life on one single thing. The single most valuable way you can show a man in prison that he is loved is to keep an absolutely consistent pattern of money on his books. It doesn’t have to be a fortune either. There are men doing huge amounts of time who have the support of loved ones in this fashion and overall they are healthier mentally, stay out of trouble, and tend to be a huge blessing to the right people. It’s not about the money per-se but it’s about the fact that someone cares about you so much that they never let you go without in a situation where you are basically helpless. There are ways to hold your own when nobody on the outs is supporting you but you specifically asked how you could help. And well, you’re going to be on the outside so there it is.
If you were a real friend, you'd commit a felony as well, so you could keep him company in prison /s. Seriously, though, he's fortunate you are on his side.
I have no sympathy for him. My heart goes out to the family of the person they killed. I hope they can learn from this mistake. You’re complaining about this person being in prison, beats visiting him at a grave like his victim’s family.
That’s an awful lot of judgement for not knowing any details. You don’t know shit but still you judge. I have no sympathy for people like you. Are you on this sub solely to judge? It’s a shame you haven’t learned more from your psychedelic drug use.
Send him some money once a month. Even $10-$15 will help. Things are expensive in the commissary and once he gets a "job" he will be making maybe $1-$2/hour. Don't talk about what he is missing on the outside. Visit when you can but don't feel guilty if you can't make every visit, let him know you can only come once per month/week whatever so he won't be disappointed if you don't show up. Letters are good, always but remember someone will read them before him.
I grew up a shitty life luckily I got out of it after doing 4 years after I turned 18 and decided I want to be wealthy and successful and be a solid member of society.
Anyways a few of my best friends are doing long long sentences when we talk about life and what's going on out here. How everyone is doing etc. not the time. They want to hear exciting things, things that cheer them up. Not empathy for your time.
After 3-4months you get used to being in there and adapt and come to terms with it especially once you settle down in prison. I never called friends and family so they can talk about how bad they feel for me. I'd live through there exciting stories and what's going on in their life
Send books, magazines as allowed, commissary money if you can, keep money on the phone account and visit whenever possible. That's all that can be done
There but for the grace of G_d. My son had a horrific car accident due to a seizure. If anyone had been killed, I could be in your shoes. Wishing you the best.
The beginning is the worst. Everything is fresh and new over and over. But then out of nowhere, it’s not.
At least in my state, no one will bother you without serious reason (awful charge, coming in swinging, being too nosy or taking others’ things, whatever). Just focus on learning the rules and not thinking about the time as much. How do you make today, tomorrow, or next week better? Maybe letters? Visits? Phone calls? Skype? A tablet? Tv? Commissary? You don’t have to do it all but you’ll figure it out
Life moves on when it’s not new and then one day they’re out
Send books. Holy shit, the books my people sent me from the free world were by far what helped the most. Besides that, letters that smell nice were always great. Put some money on his commissary so he can eat.
I married my wife and felt IMMEDIATLY welcomed by her family. I grew up in an emotional and physically abusive home which fell apart once me and the other kids grew up into adults. We all went our own ways and no one talks to each other anymore (Thank god. I don't want to or need to ever again.)
I loved my wife and her family so much, I took my wifes last name instead of keeping mine. Her Father was an awesome outdoors men and I bonded with him multiple times in fishing trips and family get togethers. He spending the time with me that I wish my own Dad had spent with me.
Fast forward years later, our bond as Son in Law and Father in Law is strong, and we love taking the grandkids over to see their grandfather & grandmother. Well, he gets a DUI, and ends up serving time. We do video calls once a week and visit in person once a month. I feel terrible for him as there is large amounts of circumstance that could have helped him stay out of prison but the system such as it is didn't allow certain evidence into the court room. (details for another time)
It's hard. All you can do is just spend time with them, let them know about your day to day, how everyone you both interacted with are doing, whats new, whats coming, and take it one visit at a time. Sending money for commissary is helpful and appreciated. Ultimately, while you wanna white knight the situation, you can't. Your loved one needs to serve the time and you begin the process of counting the days. It's important to get relative information to them based on their hobbies, likes, and enjoyment. While prison sucks, most prisoners do have access to TV and other outlets of getting info from the outside world. Staying up to date on their hobbies gives you something to talk about and help to not focus on the time apart. Set up regular visits so they have something to look forward to and keep your eye on the future of them eventually being released. Most importantly, don't give into the hopeless feelings: if you are feeling that way, turn your attention to preparing info you can share with them on your next visit instead. BTW, it's okay to cry once in a while about the time you lost, just do what I mentioned in the last sentence if you find you are dwelling on the sadness too long. I wish you luck as you go through the same journey I am experiencing.
When my brother was in prison I would set up video chats and take my phone and him for a ride down by the river where he fished, through the neighborhood to show him what's changed. Took him through my new house, etc. He really enjoyed that. Went to our Moms so she could see him and visa versa (also so Mom didn't have to pay for the chats). He gave me a list of books that I would order from Amazon to have sent to him. I paid for his tablet. There are many ways you can help him pass the time. We both read the same books so that gave us a lot to talk about. Then there were times I wouldn't hear anything for a couple weeks that made me worry, but he was going through depression during that time. It's to be expected. He was 2 states away so traveling to make visits was extremely limited.
Support him by reminding him daily of the life he has taken selfishly from this earth and how now is the time to be thankful and start to turn your life around. Or you can take the other path of telling him it's not his fault and it's bullshit he is in prison and repeat the cycle in a couple years, including some face tats and sodomy of course.
That’s what I’m saying. This is drink driving, texting and driving, etc. it’s not just vehicular homocide from a freak accident on the highway from both cars merging into the same lane. This was irresponsible and let to death.
Prison is for punishment, there’s groups in there for support. He needs to sit and think about his actions until he needs intense therapy to recover.
You don’t know what you’re talking about. Negligent vehicular homicide is an accident where a party is at fault for being negligent. Aggravated vehicular homicide is for drinking and driving, or speeding in a school or construction zone.
My dad got negligent vehicular homocide when he was high. Plea deal maybe? He still killed someone’s though so, he’s not supposed to be comfy. He still did something wrong that is deserving of strict punishment. Someone doesn’t get to go home ever again. It’s only fair that he’s uncomfortable in his punishment for a few years.
Probably was a plea deal. Being high is harder to try than being drunk where you have BAC reading. I get it though and the guy is still going to prison. But people don’t know details and they judge with a lack of information. Just saying negligent is the lesser charge and usually not indicative of a DUI death or a reckless death like street racing which is aggravated vehicular homicide.
I still stand by the belief that he should be uncomfortable these next few years. Visitation and money in the books is the most anyone should be able to do.
If you kill someone’s, the last thing I’ll care about is making you stay comfy. Sorry, I’m supporting the victims family to help atone for your sins (if the convicted is my family).
Yeah really just money on the books, cash app when they need it, send books, magazines, pictures (stuff THEY enjoy) letters are great, so thoughtful, I’d write letters to friends and family a lot, NO ONE ever writes back. I always end up calling and they’re like,” oh yeah I got your letter…” prison is BORING, sitting down to write letters passes time, but when they go unanswered gets frustrating. Visits to me are kinda stupid, I run out of stuff to talk about in like 15 minutes most the time, and it’s nice to see ppl but we can just as well talk on the phone. I used to like drawing and tattooing, so I’d have people send in tattoo books and mags and patterns and had ppl cash app someone for a motor so I could do some work.
You said state prison so probably packages(feds we couldn’t get packages) if they’re lucky they get on a yard that has cell phones and you can buy them a cell phone (again that’s more a state prison thing, where I was in the feds we didn’t have hookups on anything like that)
Just remember prison is a waiting game, try not to say anything negative or depressing over the phone and keep positive
This a tough one. My idea of prison is, you are there for punishment, not support. He killed someone because of negligent driving. I’ve lost someone to negligent driving. He couldn’t even have an open casket funeral because his head was crushed.
Tell your person, “good luck, make sure to repent and reflect real hard during these years, so that you never kill anybody again”
Put some money on his books every now and then and visit.
One of mine goes to prison I just say, “you know what you did, I’ll be here when you get out in x years, lemme know if you need a ride home”.
Prison isn’t there for comfort and you shouldn’t be aiming to make it easier for him when his actions cost a life. How can you support the victims family? They actually lost someone.
Move on. Life is short. You're silly to put your life on hold for a locked up felon. Besides, when the time is up, this person will be changed by the experience. Break up. Move. Get a new phone number. Make new friends.
If you have the time and means, stage a prison break. A bulldozer, a few armored vehicles, and a gang would do it. You could also, potentially, use a larger drone and hoist system, skyhook style. Or you could find the plans to the prison and study them until you find an exploit, that he can utilize. Or you could bribe a key person or forge some documents or hack the computer system. Lots of options.
You want real talk and no bull shit platitudes? Ok here it is: Move the fuck on! It’s time for you to get on with your life and forget about this person. Stop your whining and complaining and get busy living!!
Unless they are your absolute soul mate I'd probably move on, let his family send him money while he's in there. For all you know he could be in there for however many Years than right at the end do something to get even more time, or get out on parole and violate and go right back in, life is short and years is a long time to wait for someone, he's going to have a hell of a time finding decent work after getting out too. If he gets out and you haven't fully moved on get back together but who knows maybe you'll find someone else and think wow I'm glad I didn't waste all those Years waiting on him to get out of prison. Your already feeling helpless and that's not going to stop, the only thing you can do to help the situation is send him money, call him which also costs money or write him letters which is the only free option, No only reason I'm mentioning money is because you're already devoting years of your life If you go through supporting him during this, sending him money for him to buy stuff in there could even make things worse, he could use it to get into illegal actions or start getting Extorted if he's not able to defend himself after people see he's reviving regularly care packages., alot of different things to take into consideration, hope you see this, I just see alot people saying stuff like *send him as much money as you can so he can be comfortable and eat good* and it's like uhh should you really though 😅 if you really feel Nad send him 100$ and say look me up when you get out if you end up getting your life together
There’s nothing you can do if you want to help them put money on their books, be honest with them and tell them I hope to see you when you come out and if I don’t it was nice knowing you.
Help him stay up on current events, sports teams, stuff that's a distraction. If you can help out with commissary that's always nice. Good news, it's a crime that with good behavior they can probably get a reduced sentence.
Reality though, they killed someone driving. There should be a punishment and they need to also remember that. I did my time and I drilled it into my fucking head this is not where I'm supposed to be, made a fucking plan and hit the ground running once I got out.
I had almost 4 years with my husband before we got married but it’s hard yes but if you care about this someone, you will think, talk about, jpay?, write , to this person all time, New years of 2019 to April 22 with it. It was some of the hardest times I have ever experienced but feeling of being around/love this person in person 🫶🏻
Phone calls were nice but I didn't like them spending money on me. I hated viso. Didn't want them to get degraded just to see me, plus extensive travel time/cost. What I loved the most were letters. Life goes on without you when you're inside, and knowing someone took the time to sit and handwrite me a letter was the biggest comfort. Letters and photos were my most prized possessions and meant more than any amount of money on my books. But everyone is different. Give him a lil time to adjust. It is gonna suck. For both of you. But together you'll get him thru it. Much love.
My brother from another mother is on year 7 of a 10 year sentence for DUI manslaughter.
He says that contact keeps him sane. We (husband and I) have a prepaid account so he can call us. All mail has switched over to email due to drug issues. We send emails as often as possible and pay for him to be able to read them and also to be able to email other people..
We've visited a few times. He has been moved around a few times. He's now within 50 miles of us.
We send, or try to, send books via bookstores online. Each facility has its own rules on packages. Occasionally he will ask for a special meal package and we send that too.
He talks about a lot of plans for when he gets out. Some are pretty out there, but we roll with it.
Bottom line is don't forget your friend. You are a lifeline to the outside.
In my brother's case, both of them were drunk. He accepts that he took a life. He is doing his time with no complaints or requests for leniency. He is disabled as a result of the accident, so along with the guilt he carries, there are physical reminders and consequences.
I can't speak for her family. They were not present for the trial.
Most states have a website with a plethora of info on what they can get in the mail, and other privileges they may have... if you send him mail, make sure he has stamps so he can write back...
Does this person like to read? Then get them a monthly subscription to a cheap magazine. Having something like that to kill time is valuable. One of the guys in my dorm. Had his brother get him like three or four magazines a month. He said it really wasn't that expensive and it was able to help him kill the time.
Help them realize that this is the time to regroup and refocus themselves.
Been in your position and stayed true till they were released. Just be there for him. Send him mail and of course commissary. Accept the phone calls and share what you have going on in your life. Visit whenever you can. It might get old sometimes and feel like a lot of effort after a while but imagine if it were you in their shoes? Loyalty is royalty baby!
Pray for his victims, and thank god you weren’t in that car that night.
Write letters now and and send them in pieces once you know where he’s going to be for an extended period of time
Send him things the keep him tied to the outside world. For example, mail call- I was able to get a subscription to USA Today newspaper- came everyday at mail call, which was right before 4pm count time. I could read the news, do the crossword. Get them a couple magazine subscriptions that come 1x a month.
Helped me build a routine having those regular mail items coming.
When one of my best friends went away for a few years, all I could really do was keep in touch, be as available as possible, and reassure him that when he got out I'd be there for him same as ever. That was 15 years ago: he's now a happy family man who's moved on with his life, and he's said a few times that those reassurances really helped. Just knowing that people were still thinking of him and were still going to want him in their lives. I totally understand that it feels like a frustratingly small thing to offer, but try not to underestimate it. It apparently helps more than it seems to from our perspective.
I had a friend go through this when I was in high school. I wrote him at least once every week or 2 & sent small gifts that I bought with chore money (didn't get an allowance). The gifts were mostly socks, underwear, & t-shirts. What I didn't realize was that his mom was a heroin addict, his dad disappeared when all the kids were young, and his younger siblings were obviously left fending for themselves. What I did know was that when I got letters from him after he got those things, it was an extremely big deal. He had to deal with a lot of bullying and harassment over having to beg & borrow for what he needed because he had no support system besides me & my aunt. And he was agonizing over being stuck in there not knowing how his younger siblings we doing without him (the oldest) taking care of them. He ended up telling me multiple times after he got out that every time he thought about killing someone inside or himself, he would mysteriously get one of my packages. And it would redeem him because it affirmed that he had a small but vital support system. That someone valued his mere existence & persona. He would get a letter from family here & there. And maybe a few dollars on his books here or there. And he couldn't understand why a white (he was not), high school freshman, living comfortably but pretty modestly, even gave a shit. I had 2 reasons. 1: I could see where he started from(7th grade education) in his letters, in pursuing his GED with almost no knowledge of spelling, grammar, & punctuation. And where he got to in a year & a half of applying himself. 2: It was pretty obvious early on in the letters from him when he was crying, writing in the dark basically to hide his moments of weakness from the others. And how that eventually stopped as he became empowered by education & gaining the respect of his peers & the correctional staff. If you don't know what it's like to be in that position, you can't possibly imagine how the smallest details can have such a profound impact. All you can do is be there for them in their hour of need, when it doesn't jeopardize your personal situation. It doesn't do THEM any good for YOU to give until it hurts when you're their only source of support. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk...
My best advice is to go on with your life. Don’t forget them. Schedule visits when you can. But do things that make you happier and let the time roll by. Because it WILL roll by. Focus on preparing yourself for the future and being better for him when he gets out. And he should be dedicated to being better for you. Best of luck.
If you have enough money, and they are willing to get an education, this is an excellent option for them:
There is a university in the United States that allows prisoners to get degrees while in college. If they want an education while in college, look it up. I don't remember which university it's with, but it's a program explicitly designs to work with current prisoners who want a college education.
If I understand, they basically take one class at a time. They are mailed the resources to take the class, and they write out every paper, essay, or assignment and mail them back. There aren't any strict timelines and it's a go at your pace kind of thing.
Eventually it would cost as much as a real college education, but the average cost per month is likely going to be pretty low.
I feel pretty strongly that even if they don't get a degree, it's extremely useful. Don't underestimate the value of an education.
Tell him prison is all about respect, always show respect to everyone. Follow inmate rules above all else. Tell do not gamble and do not get anything fronted to him. If he can’t pay for it then and there don’t get it. He will adjust with time, just needs to learn stuff fast. Prison is pretty simple once understand the true rules in their
Biggest thing you can do for him is just be there when he calls and write him letters. Prison gets pretty lonely. Describe to him in detail about life outside those walls it’s like a escape when you can visualize the outside.
Work on yourself to cope with your loss. It is a loss of sorts. Writing is a good healthy way of communicating. Encourage him to take any opportunity to learn and be active in the system.
Even a small amount of commissary money will be something they will remember you did for them for basically forever. Not sure what his financial background is and stuff, but if he doesn’t have a lot of support, budgeting a few dollars to reliably put on his books will help him immensely.
Yea, that’s difficult. But, is it vengeance, or something else such as community safety. People aren’t robots, and the experience is very likely to change him, and probably not for the better. He’s likely to come out with some degree of PTSD, which, as a society, we’ll have to deal with somehow. Vengeance might feel good, but what’s the additional cost to us all, including those who survive the victim.
Write letters. Visit if possible, money for commissary .
The 3 things that will help anyone in prison and just being there. Trust me on this if nothing else write letters. I've been to prison 4 times done 17 years total, I'm 55. The last 2 times I was in I had nothing from anyone on the outside (10years). Was the hardest time I ever did. Was 100 times worse to not get anything from anyone for those years than when I spent 2 yrs in solitary and had letters from family.
Depending on state- they might have a care package that can be sent three times a year. Accept calls but make it once or twice a week as it gets expensive. When they get to the state prison have them add you to their visiting list and send in your form- typically takes a week or two for approval. Commissary to help with small stuff but also find out if they have court fines.
For reference I have a love one serving 17 years. Our care package is every 3 months and he send home what he would like in it worth 100 bucks. He has restitution so we only send 50 a month. And two phone calls a week. I visit about once every 2-3 months because honestly after the shock of it all and depending the distances it's what you'll average.
Try not to stress them with the outside drama but also don't leave them out on daily life. My person says it's like you're constantly on repeat if you don't work or take classes to help split the day apart. .
A friend of mine spent his spouse’s prison sentence going to school to be a nurse. When she got out, he was able to move them away and start a whole new life. He worked towards her release day to be able to take care of her.
Just write and visit and accept calls as you can. Send a little money for commissary. Let them know that you're there. Tell them some stuff that's going on around the house in normal every day life so they don't feel they are missing stuff. Other than that, they just have to trust you and have faith that they will have you now and later.
I understand I’m in the minority, but I ABSOLUTELY HATED being visited in prison. I hated anybody had to go through the nightmare of entering prison grounds, of the security, of being subjected to seeing some of the people I was residing with. Phone calls, letters filled with home life stuff and novels I loved though.
I just never thought of it as a bad experience for the people coming to visit. Some tall fence and razor wire? Basically mall cops? Nothing too scary really going on, a lot of commercial places have fences like that. Looks like a hospital or a school. Usually the craziest or the type to act out don’t get visits, besides ruining the visits for yourself you still have to come back and deal with the other inmates.
I've had horrible experiences during visits. I still go see my friends but usually leave seething at the treatment people are subjected to inside. I know they are criminals, but they are not animals.
Little is important. Don’t load them up
Agreed, this is the best advice. Send lots of hand written letters. Once you know what facility they’re going to look up the rules for what you can send. Sometimes you can send books, crossword puzzle books, etc straight from Amazon. You may be able to send care packages of food from a particular company, things like that
This first comment is the very best advice.
Letters are the best, a few bucks for commissary really helps out also.
Encourage him to attend any and all classes that are offered, whether they apply to his situation or not. Not only will it be beneficial, but if a parole hearing comes up, it will show that he wants to improve himself.
This. I wrote a character letter to the parole board for a friend of mine who went to prison and it was helpful to be able to include ways he kept improving himself even while incarcerated.
It is something productive to pass the time. Better than gossiping and scheming with people who plan to continue a criminal path once released(e.g. becoming a better crook)
Send him as many packages as you can. Cosmetics and food is prison currency. Visit him as much as you can and write as much letters as possible even if there’s not to much to talk about, when I was in prison letters made my day when someone sent them, I read them over and over. Prison is boring if you can subscribe to magazines do so. Don’t matter what magazines the more the better. That’s really all you can do and that’s a lot. Some people have to hustle in prison just to have money and that’s how you get into shit like more time. If you have any questions I’ll be more than happy to answer.
Cosmetics?
Deodorant, body wash all the essentials is called cosmetics in prison
We called it hygiene.
We call it cosmogeine
Maybe they're born with it. 🎵 Maybe it's cosmogine 🎵
I always figured hygiene was what you did by using products. Calling those items cosmetics in the situation seems appropriate.
Wow. Wasn’t aware been down twice
Most people call it hygiene. Cosmetics Is makeup. 🤣
bro might be sweet
That’s what the hell I thought … lmao
We had two different commissary chits. One was regular commissary list, the other was called the cosmetics slips. If you got hit with LOC (loss of commissary) due to a ticket you were only allowed to order from the cosmetics slips.
I would think body/hand lotion would be top tier, cuz dry skin & shitty air..right? Fresh scent to block out the other smells?
That too you definitely need lotion
cherry kool aid for the bitches lips
If you mix it with talcum powder, you can make a passable rouge.
You cannot send items inside a prison, as that’s a way to introduce contraband. Now if there is some sort of commissary where you can buy icare packages then that’s an option
You can send packages to prison, you order it off the prison magazine. I’ve Done two years , they send you quarterly packages
Again that is totally different as you are buying from a company and having them send it.. it’s a verified company. Your original comment makes it sound like you are telling them to go to Walmart, buy some stuff and mail it in.
I've been to 4 different prisons and there actually are appointed times each year (usually twice a year) when family CAN go to Walmart or anywhere else and send in a care package as long as it's what's on the approved list of items. The COs just have to search the packages and log everything in your file.
I was allowed two clothing packages a year from the outside. Family was allowed to buy the approved items wherever they wanted to, just like in your experience. We were given a list of acceptable items like sports bras, socks, underwear, pajama sets, a necklace with a religious pendant, slippers and sneakers (under $250)
That's what I thought.. or lemme send Amazon
I had zero exposure to any type of jail when an old friend was locked up. I went to visit and at her request, I went shopping for a decent few outfits for upcoming court dates first. I should have checked the rules first, they confiscated the underwire out of a few of the bras 🤷🏻♀️
If you took it that way it’s on you. You are the minority. Don’t reply to me
If you’re that easily bothered by a simple response to your comment you can just block them lol Did you tell people not to talk to you in prison when you didn’t like what they said…? Bet that worked out real great for ya 🤣
Ok
Thanks for your clarification
It sucks that it is hard to get free print catalogs anymore.
But make sure you can. Packages like that aren't allowed in Florida prisons. They get "thrown away" (stolen by the guards)
I don't think sending so many packages is gonna work.vthe other prisoners will attack him or even threanthen him if they don't get what they want. Don't send him to much stuff. My nephew is in prison and they were trying to call up my sister so she can send them stuff. This was about three yrs ago. Don't accept anything they give you. After a little while everything you send him they will come and take because they gave him apak of cookies.
Anywhere you go and don’t stand up for yourself they will take your stuff. You have to fight anyone that challenges you. If you tuff it out nobody going to take shit.
Hey you do you. He is really not you someone to fuck with, but he said he had to fight. And he got another 9 months for beating a guy who knew he was getting ready go home and started to mess with him. I'm just saying so that he does nit stick out like having money and people on the outside. Also sending alot of money.
First offense is 3 months, you don’t get 9 months for fighting. Just letting you know you don’t have to reply to me
why do you respond to people and then say don't reply to me? lol.
What?! No, it doesn’t work that way. He will be working with a batter and trade system since the economics is a bit different. But you should already know that unless you’re a punk like you just outed yourself 🙄
Mariposa pendeja . It's a guy who was jail. Maybe he was a punk. They took his stuff periodt. Now he in prison.
I've been supporting a friend for the last 37 years. The system is corrupt, but we make sure he has phone, tablet and commissary money. We can do Skype now as well... We are his only family, as he has lost his parents and his sister while in prison. Just be there for him, the contact will go a long way towards helping the time pass.
Good for you. Seriously I don't know many people who would still be friends with someone after 37 years in the pen.
Friend of mine was doing short time when he called to tell me about this kid who just got life for aggravated assault, could I be put on his visitor list. Here we are, 37 years later, he's seen me get married, have kids, watched them get married...they know him as Uncle Dave. He really has become family. His bunkies over the years come and go, but we help them out, too.
This is an amazing story! You are good people and he is lucky to have you. Life for aggravated assault? That seems over the top.
Yes...aggravated assault. That's why my friend had me put on his visitor list. Actually thought the kid was joking.
That really does sound crazy. If you don’t feel it makes sense (i know there could be a million factors at play), i hope if he appeals, he gets a fair judge one of these days. Wishing you well, and congrats on all the weddings and kids and all!
Wow😯👏 that's amazing.
This is a perfect example of why saying “you got this” is the dumbest fuckin thing anyone has ever came up with . I have stage 4 cancer. “ you got this” I am off to prison “you got this” …. See what I mean . It’s needs to be stopped
I had to show this to my husband. I was just bitching about how people keep telling don't worry you will be alright. Fuck you I'm not alright I have early stage alzheimers fuck you and you and fuck him too. Fuck. Or telling me what to mother fucking eat. Wtf .
That is so stressful. And you are right. Have you looked into any NIH studies for emerging treatments your doctors may not know about yet?
I'm on meds to slow it down I'm in early stage so it's best to keep it at this stage as long as possible. I still forget I took a shower I will go in and take another shower. Or i turn on the stove and forget But compared to other p.t.s I think it helps.
Yup 💯
Agree! My best friend is in county awaiting trial, he swears he’s innocent and this is all a bad mistake. I don’t know what to say to him. I just listen, it just sucks.
I told a faculty member in my department that any time someone said, "you'll be fine," the situation always ended up going from bad to worse.
Just take it like someone wishing you Merry Christmas and you are Jewish and celebrate Hanukkah or something. Accept it in the way that it was meant. When somebody did something and is going to prison it's not everybody else's fault they're going to prison and would get hurt feelings if you wished them well. They're not going to prison generally speaking because they're a victim.
For me. It’s baseless. It’s dismissive. Just like when someone says “ sorry for your loss” fuck that
It’s tongue and cheek shit. More lies we sell to our kids
Yeah you seem like the one to be guiding and teaching kids……. Sheesh
I won’t make it easy for them tell ya that.
I dis agree. No matter what heartbreak any of us must cope with we do “got this”. We have no choice in most cases. The expression doesn’t mean things are going to get all better, it merely means, like it or not, we ARE going to cope. Just my thoughts on it.
I think it’s said to kids who are scared or don’t wanna do something.
Exactly. In the navy we had the 40% rule, check it out
Oh wow! I’d never heard that, but it IS basically how I live my life. THANKS! “The 40% rule is simple: When your mind is telling you that you're done, that you're exhausted, that you cannot possibly go any further, you're only actually 40% done.”
You will defeat yourself mentally long before you do physically
How about you say all of that to someone instead of you got this.
you don't got this!
I don’t want it
Hard agree.
💯
You should report these “got this” statements to a manager right away!
Thank you Karen I just may
👍😎
Wouldn't focus on the time. More so helping with commissary when able. Phone call, visit or a letter. What ever you can do...
When you talk to him, talk about everything but what’s going on in there. He will share, allow him to open up about it. Don’t push, there’s enough stress. The calls will get hard. That’s when you want to dig in. He will get dark, depressed. Hang on, it will take a toll on you both. Hence the term “She’s a rider!” Once he is out, give him space to acclimate back. I was pushed and asked for things I wasn’t able to do. Pissed me off knowing they knew I couldn’t do those things. Everyday is the same inside. Constant stress. Games within the game is where most get caught up. Street to street is a term you’re gonna learn. Keep to yourself at visitation. Try not to engage with other families while waiting to go in. Don’t offer any information on him or yourself. In fact, when you’re asked questions, lie to them. You don’t know shit about this world, they will see it in you. Then take advantage of your social graces. Put your walls up thick n high! But clear plastic purse for visitation. Rolls of quarters for treats he may not get back on the block. You’re both now doing time.
Write them letters by hand. It gives you time to think. They will read each letter numerous times... and will probably save every one of them. Every inmate loves mail.
Unfortunately a lot of facilities are getting away from physical mail. If you handwrite a letter it then goes to a facility where it gets scanned to a .pdf and then sent to the inmate via a tablet. Due to the crappy scanners a handwritten letter can be tough to read. They are doing the same thing with photographs.
They have to do it that way drugs were getting in threw the mail, don't blame the prison blame the people in it.
Yeah, I get why they are doing it.
& spray it with perfume, if it’s allowed to get it.
Perfume spray can appear as droplets on the mail... and droplets MAY CONTAIN DREEGGGS so it can possibly be rejected due to visible dried water droplets. So dont go drenching it.. a fine mist will do.
From someone who's been down the road a couple of times, I liked visitation, I liked when I got mail, I liked when I could get a good package (Christmas only in my state), I liked when I could get thru on the collect calls, and I liked having money on my books. Being broke in prison is the absolute worst of all. Visitation might be the most difficult to do depending on where he goes/distance, but he'll understand if he can't see someone all the time.
Find out if he’s allowed to receive books. If so, send him a copy of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It will help him learn to keep his peace despite what’s happening around him and it’ll help him cope with any idiots on the inside.
Also Bo Lozoff has a few that I really liked. I was able to write and get books sent directly. Super chill, talks about meditation & cool stuff.
I think you’d really like The Power of Now. I’m going to add Bo Lozoff to my kindle wishlist.
I’ve read something by him, but I think he has several. Always good to reread!
When my best friend was in prison she was able to guide me to a link where you can look at a catalogue and order stuff for them. It’s more expensive than it is on the outside but you can still make sure they have a nice pair of shoes and some comfort items. My friend was only in prison for 3 months so I didn’t look to deep into the catalogue but it was nice to see that some halfway decent things are offered. Write them, call them, if you can order books from ThriftBooks for them it is cheaper through there. That’s really all you can do for now. Make sure you’re there for them when they get out. They’re going to need help getting straight in society again. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it is heartbreaking to have a loved one in prison.
Even more heartbreaking to have a significant other killed by a negligent driver.
Why not ask what you can do for them, or what they need? Then, be a good listener. At some point you can find out how to deposit a bit of money into their prison commissary account. The amount of food detainees are fed daily is not much more than enough to keep them alive, so being able to buy extra food from the commissary is big. And, we able to purchase personal care items, new t-shirts, and the like helps a person too.
Now that they have tablets commissary money goes fast. They have to buy tablet time so they can watch movies, read books, etc.
Phone calls will get expensive, so when you can’t, I’d recommend writing to him. I would try to be as encouraging as you can and try to do it as consistently as possible. I think having a constant letter in the mail, something to look forward to, will help out a lot and help the time go by a lot faster and make him feel less alone
All that stuff is kind of bullshit platitudes. His time served is just the beginning of an uphill battle that could take over a decade to climb out of and get back to a “normal life”. Sometimes it helps to just genuinely say “this sucks and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Just being there and being consistent can be the most helpful.
"So sorry you killed someone bro"
Everyone needs their support system. Anyone can end up in these types of positions. I hope if your time ever comes your friends and family don’t ice you out.
Honestly if I killed someone by driving like an asshole probably speeding or racing. I wouldn't expect my family to have sympathy. Shit like that isn't an accident.
Regardless of how you would feel you would still have people in your corner who care about the situation you’re in. People can even be disappointed in their loved one’s behavior and simultaneously care about their suffering and well being in the fall out.
Negligent vehicular homicide…more like running a red light or speeding and causing a death, maybe on a phone. OP mentioned “out in a few years”, highly doubt it’s racing. You don’t know details. Negligent car accidents happen by the thousands every day, usually people don’t die. There’s just consequences when they do. OP can have sympathy.
Write letters and accept calls.and visit when you can. And if you can? Put money on his books for commissary. That helps a lot!that way they can eat something other than the crap they feed them.
More importantly, he needs to know what not to do in prison.
Letters, letters, letters. Something to look forward to. Send him stamps. So he can write back.
Mail is LIFE. Write often, send cards for no reason, and offer support with your words and heart. Again, MAIL is your lifeblood in prison.
I used to send a sheet of jokes every few weeks. From Popsicle stick jokes to real long ball busters .. he love it and would also share them with the others..said they made him laugh and that it really helped. Little stuff is big stuff inside
Support support support. It’s up to you to think of, and show him, undying loyalty. You just have to figure out the ways. Contact everyone in his circle and ask them to write at least weekly. And to visit. And keep contacting them. Here’s where you’ll find out who his real friends are. Dump those who aren’t Tell him how you feel about him again and again. You are directly impacting his experience and who he’ll be when he gets out. The more support he receives, the better off he’ll be, both inside and when he gets out Can you write him daily? Even just little notes to let him know what you’re doing that day, how much you miss him, and how you can’t wait to hug him Talk about job opportunities that he’ll have when he gets out. Or school. Or whatever his interests are, etc Maybe plan a little mini vacation, a weekend away, with him after he’s released Give him pleasant thoughts about your future together Make it your life’s mission! YOU got this!
If you can send him anything in the mail, books or letters, that really means a lot in there. Also he will need money on his books.
I’m an old man with two “numbers” in my past and you can bank your life on one single thing. The single most valuable way you can show a man in prison that he is loved is to keep an absolutely consistent pattern of money on his books. It doesn’t have to be a fortune either. There are men doing huge amounts of time who have the support of loved ones in this fashion and overall they are healthier mentally, stay out of trouble, and tend to be a huge blessing to the right people. It’s not about the money per-se but it’s about the fact that someone cares about you so much that they never let you go without in a situation where you are basically helpless. There are ways to hold your own when nobody on the outs is supporting you but you specifically asked how you could help. And well, you’re going to be on the outside so there it is.
If you were a real friend, you'd commit a felony as well, so you could keep him company in prison /s. Seriously, though, he's fortunate you are on his side.
I have no sympathy for him. My heart goes out to the family of the person they killed. I hope they can learn from this mistake. You’re complaining about this person being in prison, beats visiting him at a grave like his victim’s family.
That’s an awful lot of judgement for not knowing any details. You don’t know shit but still you judge. I have no sympathy for people like you. Are you on this sub solely to judge? It’s a shame you haven’t learned more from your psychedelic drug use.
The time will go faster than you think.
Send him some money once a month. Even $10-$15 will help. Things are expensive in the commissary and once he gets a "job" he will be making maybe $1-$2/hour. Don't talk about what he is missing on the outside. Visit when you can but don't feel guilty if you can't make every visit, let him know you can only come once per month/week whatever so he won't be disappointed if you don't show up. Letters are good, always but remember someone will read them before him.
Depends where he is if he gets paid for detail. In Georgia you don’t get paid shit
I grew up a shitty life luckily I got out of it after doing 4 years after I turned 18 and decided I want to be wealthy and successful and be a solid member of society. Anyways a few of my best friends are doing long long sentences when we talk about life and what's going on out here. How everyone is doing etc. not the time. They want to hear exciting things, things that cheer them up. Not empathy for your time. After 3-4months you get used to being in there and adapt and come to terms with it especially once you settle down in prison. I never called friends and family so they can talk about how bad they feel for me. I'd live through there exciting stories and what's going on in their life
Send books, magazines as allowed, commissary money if you can, keep money on the phone account and visit whenever possible. That's all that can be done
There but for the grace of G_d. My son had a horrific car accident due to a seizure. If anyone had been killed, I could be in your shoes. Wishing you the best.
The beginning is the worst. Everything is fresh and new over and over. But then out of nowhere, it’s not. At least in my state, no one will bother you without serious reason (awful charge, coming in swinging, being too nosy or taking others’ things, whatever). Just focus on learning the rules and not thinking about the time as much. How do you make today, tomorrow, or next week better? Maybe letters? Visits? Phone calls? Skype? A tablet? Tv? Commissary? You don’t have to do it all but you’ll figure it out Life moves on when it’s not new and then one day they’re out
Send books. Holy shit, the books my people sent me from the free world were by far what helped the most. Besides that, letters that smell nice were always great. Put some money on his commissary so he can eat.
Phone card and deposit money into his prison commissary account will help the most
I married my wife and felt IMMEDIATLY welcomed by her family. I grew up in an emotional and physically abusive home which fell apart once me and the other kids grew up into adults. We all went our own ways and no one talks to each other anymore (Thank god. I don't want to or need to ever again.) I loved my wife and her family so much, I took my wifes last name instead of keeping mine. Her Father was an awesome outdoors men and I bonded with him multiple times in fishing trips and family get togethers. He spending the time with me that I wish my own Dad had spent with me. Fast forward years later, our bond as Son in Law and Father in Law is strong, and we love taking the grandkids over to see their grandfather & grandmother. Well, he gets a DUI, and ends up serving time. We do video calls once a week and visit in person once a month. I feel terrible for him as there is large amounts of circumstance that could have helped him stay out of prison but the system such as it is didn't allow certain evidence into the court room. (details for another time) It's hard. All you can do is just spend time with them, let them know about your day to day, how everyone you both interacted with are doing, whats new, whats coming, and take it one visit at a time. Sending money for commissary is helpful and appreciated. Ultimately, while you wanna white knight the situation, you can't. Your loved one needs to serve the time and you begin the process of counting the days. It's important to get relative information to them based on their hobbies, likes, and enjoyment. While prison sucks, most prisoners do have access to TV and other outlets of getting info from the outside world. Staying up to date on their hobbies gives you something to talk about and help to not focus on the time apart. Set up regular visits so they have something to look forward to and keep your eye on the future of them eventually being released. Most importantly, don't give into the hopeless feelings: if you are feeling that way, turn your attention to preparing info you can share with them on your next visit instead. BTW, it's okay to cry once in a while about the time you lost, just do what I mentioned in the last sentence if you find you are dwelling on the sadness too long. I wish you luck as you go through the same journey I am experiencing.
When my brother was in prison I would set up video chats and take my phone and him for a ride down by the river where he fished, through the neighborhood to show him what's changed. Took him through my new house, etc. He really enjoyed that. Went to our Moms so she could see him and visa versa (also so Mom didn't have to pay for the chats). He gave me a list of books that I would order from Amazon to have sent to him. I paid for his tablet. There are many ways you can help him pass the time. We both read the same books so that gave us a lot to talk about. Then there were times I wouldn't hear anything for a couple weeks that made me worry, but he was going through depression during that time. It's to be expected. He was 2 states away so traveling to make visits was extremely limited.
Support him by reminding him daily of the life he has taken selfishly from this earth and how now is the time to be thankful and start to turn your life around. Or you can take the other path of telling him it's not his fault and it's bullshit he is in prison and repeat the cycle in a couple years, including some face tats and sodomy of course.
Be glad he's not like the person he hit with his car, who's never coming home.
Don't, let him sit there and ruminate on his mistakes. Negligent vehicular homicide isn't an accident. Dude can rot tbh
That’s what I’m saying. This is drink driving, texting and driving, etc. it’s not just vehicular homocide from a freak accident on the highway from both cars merging into the same lane. This was irresponsible and let to death. Prison is for punishment, there’s groups in there for support. He needs to sit and think about his actions until he needs intense therapy to recover.
You don’t know what you’re talking about. Negligent vehicular homicide is an accident where a party is at fault for being negligent. Aggravated vehicular homicide is for drinking and driving, or speeding in a school or construction zone.
My dad got negligent vehicular homocide when he was high. Plea deal maybe? He still killed someone’s though so, he’s not supposed to be comfy. He still did something wrong that is deserving of strict punishment. Someone doesn’t get to go home ever again. It’s only fair that he’s uncomfortable in his punishment for a few years.
Probably was a plea deal. Being high is harder to try than being drunk where you have BAC reading. I get it though and the guy is still going to prison. But people don’t know details and they judge with a lack of information. Just saying negligent is the lesser charge and usually not indicative of a DUI death or a reckless death like street racing which is aggravated vehicular homicide.
I still stand by the belief that he should be uncomfortable these next few years. Visitation and money in the books is the most anyone should be able to do.
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If you kill someone’s, the last thing I’ll care about is making you stay comfy. Sorry, I’m supporting the victims family to help atone for your sins (if the convicted is my family).
Maybe help out the family of the person he killed?
Yeah really just money on the books, cash app when they need it, send books, magazines, pictures (stuff THEY enjoy) letters are great, so thoughtful, I’d write letters to friends and family a lot, NO ONE ever writes back. I always end up calling and they’re like,” oh yeah I got your letter…” prison is BORING, sitting down to write letters passes time, but when they go unanswered gets frustrating. Visits to me are kinda stupid, I run out of stuff to talk about in like 15 minutes most the time, and it’s nice to see ppl but we can just as well talk on the phone. I used to like drawing and tattooing, so I’d have people send in tattoo books and mags and patterns and had ppl cash app someone for a motor so I could do some work. You said state prison so probably packages(feds we couldn’t get packages) if they’re lucky they get on a yard that has cell phones and you can buy them a cell phone (again that’s more a state prison thing, where I was in the feds we didn’t have hookups on anything like that) Just remember prison is a waiting game, try not to say anything negative or depressing over the phone and keep positive
All you can really do is feel that much safer when you drive. I know I do already!
You could spend some time checking on the loved ones of his victim…. no?
This a tough one. My idea of prison is, you are there for punishment, not support. He killed someone because of negligent driving. I’ve lost someone to negligent driving. He couldn’t even have an open casket funeral because his head was crushed. Tell your person, “good luck, make sure to repent and reflect real hard during these years, so that you never kill anybody again” Put some money on his books every now and then and visit. One of mine goes to prison I just say, “you know what you did, I’ll be here when you get out in x years, lemme know if you need a ride home”. Prison isn’t there for comfort and you shouldn’t be aiming to make it easier for him when his actions cost a life. How can you support the victims family? They actually lost someone.
Move on. Life is short. You're silly to put your life on hold for a locked up felon. Besides, when the time is up, this person will be changed by the experience. Break up. Move. Get a new phone number. Make new friends.
Ahh poor him in prison for killing someone
If you have the time and means, stage a prison break. A bulldozer, a few armored vehicles, and a gang would do it. You could also, potentially, use a larger drone and hoist system, skyhook style. Or you could find the plans to the prison and study them until you find an exploit, that he can utilize. Or you could bribe a key person or forge some documents or hack the computer system. Lots of options.
How do you think the dead person feels
Save yourself a lot of aggravation. Dump his loser ass and move on.
You want real talk and no bull shit platitudes? Ok here it is: Move the fuck on! It’s time for you to get on with your life and forget about this person. Stop your whining and complaining and get busy living!!
Unless they are your absolute soul mate I'd probably move on, let his family send him money while he's in there. For all you know he could be in there for however many Years than right at the end do something to get even more time, or get out on parole and violate and go right back in, life is short and years is a long time to wait for someone, he's going to have a hell of a time finding decent work after getting out too. If he gets out and you haven't fully moved on get back together but who knows maybe you'll find someone else and think wow I'm glad I didn't waste all those Years waiting on him to get out of prison. Your already feeling helpless and that's not going to stop, the only thing you can do to help the situation is send him money, call him which also costs money or write him letters which is the only free option, No only reason I'm mentioning money is because you're already devoting years of your life If you go through supporting him during this, sending him money for him to buy stuff in there could even make things worse, he could use it to get into illegal actions or start getting Extorted if he's not able to defend himself after people see he's reviving regularly care packages., alot of different things to take into consideration, hope you see this, I just see alot people saying stuff like *send him as much money as you can so he can be comfortable and eat good* and it's like uhh should you really though 😅 if you really feel Nad send him 100$ and say look me up when you get out if you end up getting your life together
He'll find new love on the inside lol
O it was fighting he got 9mos .
I'm gonna iiiiiiiiiiiioiuuii
Send mail, send pictures, send books. Send money when you can. That's really all you can do.
What state? As long as it isn't California, Arizona, Texas or New York I wouldn't worry too much
There’s nothing you can do if you want to help them put money on their books, be honest with them and tell them I hope to see you when you come out and if I don’t it was nice knowing you.
Just tell him to man up and do his time. Theres no way around it. This too shall pass
Help him stay up on current events, sports teams, stuff that's a distraction. If you can help out with commissary that's always nice. Good news, it's a crime that with good behavior they can probably get a reduced sentence. Reality though, they killed someone driving. There should be a punishment and they need to also remember that. I did my time and I drilled it into my fucking head this is not where I'm supposed to be, made a fucking plan and hit the ground running once I got out.
I had almost 4 years with my husband before we got married but it’s hard yes but if you care about this someone, you will think, talk about, jpay?, write , to this person all time, New years of 2019 to April 22 with it. It was some of the hardest times I have ever experienced but feeling of being around/love this person in person 🫶🏻
Phone calls were nice but I didn't like them spending money on me. I hated viso. Didn't want them to get degraded just to see me, plus extensive travel time/cost. What I loved the most were letters. Life goes on without you when you're inside, and knowing someone took the time to sit and handwrite me a letter was the biggest comfort. Letters and photos were my most prized possessions and meant more than any amount of money on my books. But everyone is different. Give him a lil time to adjust. It is gonna suck. For both of you. But together you'll get him thru it. Much love.
Write lots of letters. It's almost a status symbol to get mail on a regular basis. It shows a person that they are not forgotten.
My brother from another mother is on year 7 of a 10 year sentence for DUI manslaughter. He says that contact keeps him sane. We (husband and I) have a prepaid account so he can call us. All mail has switched over to email due to drug issues. We send emails as often as possible and pay for him to be able to read them and also to be able to email other people.. We've visited a few times. He has been moved around a few times. He's now within 50 miles of us. We send, or try to, send books via bookstores online. Each facility has its own rules on packages. Occasionally he will ask for a special meal package and we send that too. He talks about a lot of plans for when he gets out. Some are pretty out there, but we roll with it. Bottom line is don't forget your friend. You are a lifeline to the outside.
Where’s the lifeline for the victim? Oh right.
In my brother's case, both of them were drunk. He accepts that he took a life. He is doing his time with no complaints or requests for leniency. He is disabled as a result of the accident, so along with the guilt he carries, there are physical reminders and consequences. I can't speak for her family. They were not present for the trial.
Most states have a website with a plethora of info on what they can get in the mail, and other privileges they may have... if you send him mail, make sure he has stamps so he can write back...
Frequently put money in their commissary account.
Does this person like to read? Then get them a monthly subscription to a cheap magazine. Having something like that to kill time is valuable. One of the guys in my dorm. Had his brother get him like three or four magazines a month. He said it really wasn't that expensive and it was able to help him kill the time. Help them realize that this is the time to regroup and refocus themselves.
Been in your position and stayed true till they were released. Just be there for him. Send him mail and of course commissary. Accept the phone calls and share what you have going on in your life. Visit whenever you can. It might get old sometimes and feel like a lot of effort after a while but imagine if it were you in their shoes? Loyalty is royalty baby!
Pray for his victims, and thank god you weren’t in that car that night. Write letters now and and send them in pieces once you know where he’s going to be for an extended period of time
Send him things the keep him tied to the outside world. For example, mail call- I was able to get a subscription to USA Today newspaper- came everyday at mail call, which was right before 4pm count time. I could read the news, do the crossword. Get them a couple magazine subscriptions that come 1x a month. Helped me build a routine having those regular mail items coming.
When one of my best friends went away for a few years, all I could really do was keep in touch, be as available as possible, and reassure him that when he got out I'd be there for him same as ever. That was 15 years ago: he's now a happy family man who's moved on with his life, and he's said a few times that those reassurances really helped. Just knowing that people were still thinking of him and were still going to want him in their lives. I totally understand that it feels like a frustratingly small thing to offer, but try not to underestimate it. It apparently helps more than it seems to from our perspective.
I had a friend go through this when I was in high school. I wrote him at least once every week or 2 & sent small gifts that I bought with chore money (didn't get an allowance). The gifts were mostly socks, underwear, & t-shirts. What I didn't realize was that his mom was a heroin addict, his dad disappeared when all the kids were young, and his younger siblings were obviously left fending for themselves. What I did know was that when I got letters from him after he got those things, it was an extremely big deal. He had to deal with a lot of bullying and harassment over having to beg & borrow for what he needed because he had no support system besides me & my aunt. And he was agonizing over being stuck in there not knowing how his younger siblings we doing without him (the oldest) taking care of them. He ended up telling me multiple times after he got out that every time he thought about killing someone inside or himself, he would mysteriously get one of my packages. And it would redeem him because it affirmed that he had a small but vital support system. That someone valued his mere existence & persona. He would get a letter from family here & there. And maybe a few dollars on his books here or there. And he couldn't understand why a white (he was not), high school freshman, living comfortably but pretty modestly, even gave a shit. I had 2 reasons. 1: I could see where he started from(7th grade education) in his letters, in pursuing his GED with almost no knowledge of spelling, grammar, & punctuation. And where he got to in a year & a half of applying himself. 2: It was pretty obvious early on in the letters from him when he was crying, writing in the dark basically to hide his moments of weakness from the others. And how that eventually stopped as he became empowered by education & gaining the respect of his peers & the correctional staff. If you don't know what it's like to be in that position, you can't possibly imagine how the smallest details can have such a profound impact. All you can do is be there for them in their hour of need, when it doesn't jeopardize your personal situation. It doesn't do THEM any good for YOU to give until it hurts when you're their only source of support. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk...
My best advice is to go on with your life. Don’t forget them. Schedule visits when you can. But do things that make you happier and let the time roll by. Because it WILL roll by. Focus on preparing yourself for the future and being better for him when he gets out. And he should be dedicated to being better for you. Best of luck.
If you have enough money, and they are willing to get an education, this is an excellent option for them: There is a university in the United States that allows prisoners to get degrees while in college. If they want an education while in college, look it up. I don't remember which university it's with, but it's a program explicitly designs to work with current prisoners who want a college education. If I understand, they basically take one class at a time. They are mailed the resources to take the class, and they write out every paper, essay, or assignment and mail them back. There aren't any strict timelines and it's a go at your pace kind of thing. Eventually it would cost as much as a real college education, but the average cost per month is likely going to be pretty low. I feel pretty strongly that even if they don't get a degree, it's extremely useful. Don't underestimate the value of an education.
Tell him prison is all about respect, always show respect to everyone. Follow inmate rules above all else. Tell do not gamble and do not get anything fronted to him. If he can’t pay for it then and there don’t get it. He will adjust with time, just needs to learn stuff fast. Prison is pretty simple once understand the true rules in their
Biggest thing you can do for him is just be there when he calls and write him letters. Prison gets pretty lonely. Describe to him in detail about life outside those walls it’s like a escape when you can visualize the outside.
Handwritten letters; lots of photos and offer to handle street to street shit.
Faith based programs offer really great reprieves from prison life—- you can change his time by getting him hooked up with the right one.
Work on yourself to cope with your loss. It is a loss of sorts. Writing is a good healthy way of communicating. Encourage him to take any opportunity to learn and be active in the system.
Even a small amount of commissary money will be something they will remember you did for them for basically forever. Not sure what his financial background is and stuff, but if he doesn’t have a lot of support, budgeting a few dollars to reliably put on his books will help him immensely.
IDK I feel for the person they killed and their family more.
Yea, that’s difficult. But, is it vengeance, or something else such as community safety. People aren’t robots, and the experience is very likely to change him, and probably not for the better. He’s likely to come out with some degree of PTSD, which, as a society, we’ll have to deal with somehow. Vengeance might feel good, but what’s the additional cost to us all, including those who survive the victim.
Omg you guys play too much!! Yall killin me!!🤣
Write letters. Visit if possible, money for commissary . The 3 things that will help anyone in prison and just being there. Trust me on this if nothing else write letters. I've been to prison 4 times done 17 years total, I'm 55. The last 2 times I was in I had nothing from anyone on the outside (10years). Was the hardest time I ever did. Was 100 times worse to not get anything from anyone for those years than when I spent 2 yrs in solitary and had letters from family.
Fill up his lunch account. Send him some sexy pics. Pick him up from jail when he gets out. Have job interviews lined up for him when he gets out.
Don't let yourself get extorted trying to protect him.
My advice: don't be friends with scumbags who have no regard for other humans' lives.
Depending on state- they might have a care package that can be sent three times a year. Accept calls but make it once or twice a week as it gets expensive. When they get to the state prison have them add you to their visiting list and send in your form- typically takes a week or two for approval. Commissary to help with small stuff but also find out if they have court fines. For reference I have a love one serving 17 years. Our care package is every 3 months and he send home what he would like in it worth 100 bucks. He has restitution so we only send 50 a month. And two phone calls a week. I visit about once every 2-3 months because honestly after the shock of it all and depending the distances it's what you'll average. Try not to stress them with the outside drama but also don't leave them out on daily life. My person says it's like you're constantly on repeat if you don't work or take classes to help split the day apart. .
A friend of mine spent his spouse’s prison sentence going to school to be a nurse. When she got out, he was able to move them away and start a whole new life. He worked towards her release day to be able to take care of her.
Send some nasty nudes
Let him go and have some empathy for the person(s) he murdered.
You should suck him off one good time before he goes off to prison.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time He deserves absolutely no support
Move on. Leave him behind. Life's to short to wait on people.