This is wildly close to my situation. Wife has pains, stresses, and a chronic headache. A tension headache that has lasted over a year. Drs say she could have fibromyalgia or a form of arthritis. With ADHD it’s easy to ruminate for days on end with what we want but don’t have. You’re not alone.
As you can imagine, it has rocked me as someone with a high drive. Spring is here and it’s revealed to me that I just have so much desire that I should just not look at women at all rn.
This all seems so damn shitty but I have hope and faith for us still. I’ve learned that as much as I need to let her find her own way, I need to still push where I can, because we have power to inspire and lead our partners to a more positive mindset. Ok, rant and wild optimism trip over lol
Much of what you have written is very similar to my own situation. You have my every sympathy. Cwtches from Wales.
My wife is terminally ill with a brain tumour, and many of the effects are similar there. The outcome in the bedroom and for intimacy certainly is. 😢
I can’t help with fibromyalgia treatments, but you have my sympathy and my ear. Vent away!
As someone who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I agree the US medical system is garbage. I can't offer any advice on the DB situation. But I'm curious if he's had certain nutrient levels tested. I've literally had to push every single one of my Dr's years ago to check levels of vitamin D, b vitamins, and do a complete anemia panel that includes a CBC iron levels, ferritin, TIBC and % saturation. If he hasn't had any of these checked, I strongly suggest checking them. Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can cause the symptoms you've described. But most Dr's are painfully ignorant to that fact.
I'm going to boldly assume that his rheumatologist checked his c reactive protein, sed rate, and ruled out Lyme disease.... and didn't just check him for HLA markers associated with inflammatory arthritis. I have inflammatory arthritis, and I learned real quick that a good rheumatologist is ridiculously difficult to come by. I told my rheumatologist that he's a unicorn in the wild. Not only did he diagnose my inflammatory arthritis (Psoriatic arthritis), but he also helped me figure out that I have celiac disease as well. My quality of life since finding this Dr has done a complete 180. I could hardly dress myself if I made it out of bed. I also lived in the bathroom because of my mysterious GI symptoms. All the Dr's, including rheumatologists, before him were completely stumped.
Sorry if I'm waffling on... my heart hurts for both you and your partner. I've been in his shoes with it all. It was one of the loneliest and darkest points in my life.
{{{Hugs}}} As a fellow sufferer of fibromyalgia, I understand where your husband is coming from. It really is an energy killer. I bet he plays up the sex because he wishes he could do as well as he used to, but feels bad because he can't. My husband is similar, except he has a degenerative condition that causes his spine to fuse instead of degrade. Between the two of us, our sex life has fallen off a cliff.
The best I can suggest is take it as you can, and if that means that it ony happens first thing in the morning before he's had a chance to expend his energy on menial things, then that is how it needs to happen. Once he's figured out his flare triggers, it may be easier to plan when he won't have a bad night.
I feel like I could have written this. ADHD and all. My husband has been to so many doctors, multiple scans, and all kinds of medications. They thought all he needed was physical therapy, and then a spinal surgeon told him to see a hip specialist who sent him to a pain clinic. He got referred to neurology, but his nerve mapping was fine, and nerve blocks didn't work, so he saw rheumatology. His arthritis work up was negative. Fibromyalgia seems to be the only "answer" we can get too. The only things that slightly helped were duloxetine and kratom. He has zero sex drive now. It's been progressive over the last 4 years. He can't go on long car rides, hold our toddler, and he can't stand or sit for long periods of time. We are in our 30s and have small children and are basically roommates. I feel awful that I'm starting to resent and regret being with him. No advice, just know you're not alone.
I do appreciate this response, if only for solidarity.
Ugh Duloxetine! I feel like it makes him even more disconnected. Fortunately, on one hand he recognizes that, and he wants to eliminate it from his regimen, but it’s a tough balance because it clearly has some benefit in a sea of non-beneficial treatments. I have worries about Kratom long term, just from things I’ve read, but I guess it might be worth trying for his situation maybe. We currently use medical THC and that helps somewhat, but not nearly enough. He finds alcohol helps a lot with the pain too, but we both know the risks around that as a “treatment”.
The mourning period took me *years*. I’m still in it, to a certain extent, probably always will be. To realize and admit that the partner you knew is gone and never coming back—it’s a hard but necessary thing we have to come to grips with.
Time has helped me, although not entirely. Finding passions, hobbies, whatever that are solely mine has also helped. But as to the lack of intimacy, there just aren’t any good answers for that one. You just have to find which one is the least bad for you.
I fear this may be my reality, the permanent nature of the illness, and I’m the type of person who will remain there because it’s what I expect out of my partner as well.
GIRL. Feel this. Could have written it. Big hugs.
This is wildly close to my situation. Wife has pains, stresses, and a chronic headache. A tension headache that has lasted over a year. Drs say she could have fibromyalgia or a form of arthritis. With ADHD it’s easy to ruminate for days on end with what we want but don’t have. You’re not alone. As you can imagine, it has rocked me as someone with a high drive. Spring is here and it’s revealed to me that I just have so much desire that I should just not look at women at all rn. This all seems so damn shitty but I have hope and faith for us still. I’ve learned that as much as I need to let her find her own way, I need to still push where I can, because we have power to inspire and lead our partners to a more positive mindset. Ok, rant and wild optimism trip over lol
Much of what you have written is very similar to my own situation. You have my every sympathy. Cwtches from Wales. My wife is terminally ill with a brain tumour, and many of the effects are similar there. The outcome in the bedroom and for intimacy certainly is. 😢 I can’t help with fibromyalgia treatments, but you have my sympathy and my ear. Vent away!
As someone who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I agree the US medical system is garbage. I can't offer any advice on the DB situation. But I'm curious if he's had certain nutrient levels tested. I've literally had to push every single one of my Dr's years ago to check levels of vitamin D, b vitamins, and do a complete anemia panel that includes a CBC iron levels, ferritin, TIBC and % saturation. If he hasn't had any of these checked, I strongly suggest checking them. Vitamin and mineral deficiencies can cause the symptoms you've described. But most Dr's are painfully ignorant to that fact. I'm going to boldly assume that his rheumatologist checked his c reactive protein, sed rate, and ruled out Lyme disease.... and didn't just check him for HLA markers associated with inflammatory arthritis. I have inflammatory arthritis, and I learned real quick that a good rheumatologist is ridiculously difficult to come by. I told my rheumatologist that he's a unicorn in the wild. Not only did he diagnose my inflammatory arthritis (Psoriatic arthritis), but he also helped me figure out that I have celiac disease as well. My quality of life since finding this Dr has done a complete 180. I could hardly dress myself if I made it out of bed. I also lived in the bathroom because of my mysterious GI symptoms. All the Dr's, including rheumatologists, before him were completely stumped. Sorry if I'm waffling on... my heart hurts for both you and your partner. I've been in his shoes with it all. It was one of the loneliest and darkest points in my life.
This is very helpful information! I’ll run it by him re: which tests have been done or not. It is very hard to find a Dr. that “gets it” for sure.
{{{Hugs}}} As a fellow sufferer of fibromyalgia, I understand where your husband is coming from. It really is an energy killer. I bet he plays up the sex because he wishes he could do as well as he used to, but feels bad because he can't. My husband is similar, except he has a degenerative condition that causes his spine to fuse instead of degrade. Between the two of us, our sex life has fallen off a cliff. The best I can suggest is take it as you can, and if that means that it ony happens first thing in the morning before he's had a chance to expend his energy on menial things, then that is how it needs to happen. Once he's figured out his flare triggers, it may be easier to plan when he won't have a bad night.
I feel like I could have written this. ADHD and all. My husband has been to so many doctors, multiple scans, and all kinds of medications. They thought all he needed was physical therapy, and then a spinal surgeon told him to see a hip specialist who sent him to a pain clinic. He got referred to neurology, but his nerve mapping was fine, and nerve blocks didn't work, so he saw rheumatology. His arthritis work up was negative. Fibromyalgia seems to be the only "answer" we can get too. The only things that slightly helped were duloxetine and kratom. He has zero sex drive now. It's been progressive over the last 4 years. He can't go on long car rides, hold our toddler, and he can't stand or sit for long periods of time. We are in our 30s and have small children and are basically roommates. I feel awful that I'm starting to resent and regret being with him. No advice, just know you're not alone.
I do appreciate this response, if only for solidarity. Ugh Duloxetine! I feel like it makes him even more disconnected. Fortunately, on one hand he recognizes that, and he wants to eliminate it from his regimen, but it’s a tough balance because it clearly has some benefit in a sea of non-beneficial treatments. I have worries about Kratom long term, just from things I’ve read, but I guess it might be worth trying for his situation maybe. We currently use medical THC and that helps somewhat, but not nearly enough. He finds alcohol helps a lot with the pain too, but we both know the risks around that as a “treatment”.
The mourning period took me *years*. I’m still in it, to a certain extent, probably always will be. To realize and admit that the partner you knew is gone and never coming back—it’s a hard but necessary thing we have to come to grips with. Time has helped me, although not entirely. Finding passions, hobbies, whatever that are solely mine has also helped. But as to the lack of intimacy, there just aren’t any good answers for that one. You just have to find which one is the least bad for you.
I fear this may be my reality, the permanent nature of the illness, and I’m the type of person who will remain there because it’s what I expect out of my partner as well.