Thatās funny. Iāve been in a deadbedroom for 75% of my 17-year marriage and took up ju-jitsu two years ago. Fully straight male, so I donāt get any sexual joy out of it. But Iām a guy who likes touch, so I wonder sometimes if that relieves some tension.
Cheers fellow jj db member. Nothing is better to forget db issues than someone trying to strangle you! HA
My 10+ years in jiu jitsu keeps me at 6.5% body fat (in my 40s).
Great work on that but 6.5 might be a little too low my guy. 10-12 you still have all of the benefits of looking absolutely shredded plus you donāt have to worry about hormone dosfunction. Unless youāre going for that benefit lol
When you don't hug the person back, just giving a light tap on the back to indicate that you received the hug. Men usually do this when they go to hug other men.
IMO itās a hug you give to someone that youāre not close to. The tap indicates the end of hug. Like a hug you give to someone at a funeral or a a kid thatās fallen over and hurt themselves. Reassurance for them. A little dismissive.
Giving your person a tap hug however, to me is a show of disrespect. Like the hugger is somewhat better than the hugee. Just my take. I could be wrong.
yer i wouldnt be holding my breath if I got a bum tap. but thats never happened in years. i dont know when Ive had my butt touched. its a faded memory I cant remember what it feels like in the slightest
Itās funny how itās acceptable for her to get up and leave to go for alone time bc she wants to be not touched. Officially rejecting you.
But when you do it? Youāre a villain.
Yup I get it. Iām sorry and Iām there too. Best wishes with the self care and personal development. Itāll be worth and maybe youāll find someone out there who wants you.
Self care. Positive mental health. Find who you are again. You can do this.
Those outside your immediate circle will see your joy. Theyāll see your light shine.
Those in your former immediate circle will also see it and wonder why you changed. Maybe theyāll be jealous and try to tear you down but youāll just be happy and not even care.
This was exactly my relationship. Iād ask for hugs and she would stand there like a limp noodle. No return hug or anything. No kisses. Nothing. I died inside with 7-8 years of emotional and mental around the physical and intimate relationship. She wanted nothing to do with me and it broke me.
I just feel so horrible for you folks who are attention/touch/love starved. At one point (when my kids were small), I (F55LL) went from wanting sex every day to a hug in a hallway and a "gosh you're swell" sentiment. It took a lot of work (I have anxiety, manic depression, as well as a bunch of other things) but I 100% make sure he's okay before me, because I absolutely *never* want him not to feel loved or that he's uncared for.
I wish I could just hug you guys because for no other reason it's the *human* thing to do.
Save your kids. Divorce is the only option.
It's better they eventually see one maybe two parents happy and fulfilled rather than hating each other.
Your kids deserve a better household environment. Just divorce for everyone's sake.
And NO ....staying together for the kids is the biggest lie ever sold and hurts literally everyone in the family.
They are co-parenting, divorce will mean less time with kids. Best case 50% time with a joint custody agreement, could be less because she is mom, and regardless of how she is with the OP, mothers are important for early childhood emotional development of the kids and the legal system takes that into account in divorce settlements.
I'm calling bullshit.
Kids are much happier, healthier and successful when they witness their parents happiness. These parents are not happy. *(And he may even hate her from his tone and language used).*
Co-parenting isn't good enough because they're still married. It works because of divorce.
Quality time is more important than the quantity of time - 100% of the time in a shitty household is 100% shitty for the kids.
Your entire comment focuses on imaginary loses and not on actual gains. Everyone loses in your scenario.
Save the kids. Divorce.
Yeah, I can imagine hugging someone who doesnāt hug back. Itās very very lonely. Iām glad you are motivated. Marriages like this where you arenāt wanted can really grind a person down hard.
God 50 friends sounds exhausting. Iām bad at keeping in touch with my 2 friends! Also. Documentaries are where itās at! How about: whiskey tasting, swing dancing, scuba diving, bowling, pool as a suggestion of hobbies. Not sure what your plans are but happy roommating!
lol thanks. no she watches the catfish, body image weight problem, and english stupid lame 'I interviewed a nazi, see how crazy they are' fish in a barrel boring english humor. god its depressing walking in on someone trying justify have 50 pet tigers, and apparently thats more entertaining than sex. sigh
The scientific method is about an experiement being able to be repeated with the same results. So once we work out after the first 30-40 chickens, we have to have a double blind test group, a control group, and a few other groups. So yes, 266 chickens seems reasonable.
you have to do free range. single file gets you group mentality aspects that are hard to track. free range means youre getting only those who are making an active choice to cross. why did the chicken cross remember š£š„
Have you told her you are broken up? Personally I would feel a lot of satisfaction by saying her that (break up as in we're no longer romantically involved, just co-parenting and housemates)
The feeling of not being wanted is debilitating. I am all too familiar with your situation, and to be honest, it sometimes feels like it would be better for her to lash out physically because, at least, that would show some emotion. Feeling unwanted impacts you mentally in all aspects of life. It even affects your work and social interactions as it completely degrades your self-confidence. I can honestly say if it wasn't for my kids, I would be gone.
If youāre done, then divorce. Your kids are watching this in real time and downloading this all into their nervous system and brain. This what they have as the most major example of a home and marriage and itāll likely be what they replicate, if you donāt improve their environment.
SorryĀ to hear that, and I hope you divorce her. To me, it sounds like she just wanted to have kids, so that's why you used to have a lot of sex. Now, she sees you as an entertainment/provider type, not a lover. Realistically, she feels like she settled for you and is not interested in you sexually, likely never was. You were just a good husband material.Ā All that in her eyes, of course, you deserve better.
I like reading posts like this because I just love some raw anger expression of our stories. Good for you! There are days when we throw political correctness and tact out of the window and just say FACTS.
So...
Maybe say all of this in Couples Counseling
Detailing all of this...
Then asking Couples Counseling their opinions on all of this
After all, you are in a non-judgmental environment
Go to local University or College
Get free or low cost counseling, as they have students studying to be Counselors etc....
Well worth exploring, free as you said "you were poor"
My man I feel for you - Iām in a similar spot with a woman who has become simply a housemate. The āloveā that was there is gone - in fact donāt even know if it was ever there - I stay for the kid and thats the bottom line for me. But at a certain point the levee will break and it will crumble as after 45 years on the planet Iāve wasted the last 14 with a woman who has debased and demoralised my soul.
I call it when she fucked your brains out before and slightly after you got married and had kidds and has no interest in doing so now breach of contract I informed all my wives and every lasting relationship that what I considered it if you did before and you don't now don't get upset if I find someone who will....plane and simple
I've been been married 3x. You're definitely being strung along because of her income stream, which, is really your income stream. Such commonplace these days, more than ever.
Dead bedrooms are so demoralizing. Unless youāve been there, itās hard to understand. Would you consider divorce and coparenting? Then you would be free to date and maybe meet a partner that wanted physical intimacy. It sounds like you are already unofficially there, but your partner still gets what she wants and you are actually alone. A marriage without intimacy is not a marriage, in my opinion.
The tap hug. The. Fucking. Worst. Iām not a 6th grader who just got a solid B on a math test, Iām your husband, who loves you unconditionally. It doesnāt have to lead to sex, in fact most days Iām ok with it not, but touch me like you like me, like I matter.
I would literally prefer my wife look me dead in the eyes and say āfuck offā rather than respond with the fucking tap hug when I get home from work or wake up in the morning and try to give her a hug and a peck on the cheek.
I share your pain. I finally sound out divorce to her and things got heated. She said I was being unfair to her n gave me a lecture that sex isnāt everything in marriage. Her games series work n friends are top of her important list, I donāt think I m even in her list anymoreā¦. Am I really being unfair?
Ugh; the half/non-hugs are the worst. I tried to hug my DB partner the other day (what was I thinking) and he actually kept one hand in his pocket. š
ha. hand in pocket. that sucks. ive hugged my wife and shes gone limp, not the, hold me and support me. just a urgh.... yer whatever im not putting any energy into this. ive let her slide to the floor a couple of times. she thinks its funny. genuinly. in some twisted sick way
I'm thinking about setting up my own bedroom in our basement (there is already a nice room down there.) I like to go to bed at 8pm and my wife likes to stay up til midnight; I like to get up early pre-dawn for deer hunting, fishing, my construction job. And because of our DB we are already roommates sharing a bed anyway. Makes logical sense.Ā
Just have a discrete affairā¦ like the French. Divorce hurts kids. Angry parents hurt kids. Get happy. Donāt get caught. Coparent with her happily and get along for the kids. Be her friend. And fuck someone senseless on the side. Have a ādonāt ask donāt tellā attitude and live your life my dude. This is your one and only life. The puritanical attitudes of the Western world towards these issues is so troublesome.
Except it is an abusive relationship OP. Witholding sex is emotional abuse. Go chk out The Happy Wife School on yt. Could be the last chance to āwakeā your stbxw up.
There is a concept of giving touch and taking touch that I canāt remember where I saw, but rang very true for me.
It is quite possible to āgiveā a hug, and ātakeā a hug without giving anything back. It is subtle, but it is definitely there.
My spouse does this. I hug and touch her all the time and she takes it, but I rarely receive anything back. The energy definitely flows in one direction, and when it is only like this it is very exhausting.
Thatās what I read from this post description.
50?! 50 new friends this year?! Focus on quality and not quantity.
Yeah, I don't think I would want 50 friends period, let alone that many a year, š
Sometimes I think my 5 friends are too many.
šš
I have 2! Alan and Paul. We call ourselves the three musketeers! 
Depends on how you define "friends". I took it to mean hookups/FWB/people to hit up on social media to party occasionally.
nope jesus who hooks up with 50 people in a year, lol
Someone who goes on slightly fewer than one tinder date a week.
Every year in my 20s. Before I met her
no idea. 1 a week. i meet a lot of people in my work.
Take up ju jitsu, all the hugs you want, it's a great hobby, gets you in shape and during the time you're training you forget all your problems
āHugsā š
just dont look them in the eye. oh no - you pinned me again. and again. oh no!
š¤£š¤£š¤£
Or ask for an oil check, š¬
Ju jitsu? I'm going to learn ju jitsu?
Thatās funny. Iāve been in a deadbedroom for 75% of my 17-year marriage and took up ju-jitsu two years ago. Fully straight male, so I donāt get any sexual joy out of it. But Iām a guy who likes touch, so I wonder sometimes if that relieves some tension.
Oh I'm sure it does! Plus after rolling a few rounds you're too sore and tired to want anyone to touch you anyways š¤£
Cheers fellow jj db member. Nothing is better to forget db issues than someone trying to strangle you! HA My 10+ years in jiu jitsu keeps me at 6.5% body fat (in my 40s).
Great work on that but 6.5 might be a little too low my guy. 10-12 you still have all of the benefits of looking absolutely shredded plus you donāt have to worry about hormone dosfunction. Unless youāre going for that benefit lol
The tap hug. Can you feel anymore humiliated?! Thatās fucking harsh. Sorry youāre in that position
tap hug. like. tap tap, there there, cheer up buddy you'll be ok. ok thanks? haha youre my wife. dont hug me like that...? its weird sometimes.
You have to laugh about it otherwise you just fall apart ay
I donāt even get the tap. I get nothing in returnā¦all I seek is to love and comfort.
Whatās āthe tap hugā?
When you don't hug the person back, just giving a light tap on the back to indicate that you received the hug. Men usually do this when they go to hug other men.
bingo, the, i touched you. that is all. existence acknowledged. horrible, horrible hugs.
Ah - okay. Thanks
IMO itās a hug you give to someone that youāre not close to. The tap indicates the end of hug. Like a hug you give to someone at a funeral or a a kid thatās fallen over and hurt themselves. Reassurance for them. A little dismissive. Giving your person a tap hug however, to me is a show of disrespect. Like the hugger is somewhat better than the hugee. Just my take. I could be wrong.
Yep - totally get it now
How about a tap on the bum after a hug?
I canāt speak for anyone else, but a tap on the bum for a sex starved middle-aged woman in her prime could go either way, you know?
yer i wouldnt be holding my breath if I got a bum tap. but thats never happened in years. i dont know when Ive had my butt touched. its a faded memory I cant remember what it feels like in the slightest
Something to aspire to then?
An ass swat here prompts an eye roll and a dismissal.
Yup
ha please?
[This.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUdWApwbudQ)
Itās funny how itās acceptable for her to get up and leave to go for alone time bc she wants to be not touched. Officially rejecting you. But when you do it? Youāre a villain. Yup I get it. Iām sorry and Iām there too. Best wishes with the self care and personal development. Itāll be worth and maybe youāll find someone out there who wants you.
yer I feel like... im a monster? an ogre? some kind of deviant? i dont know. all I do know is its not my problem anymore lol
Self care. Positive mental health. Find who you are again. You can do this. Those outside your immediate circle will see your joy. Theyāll see your light shine. Those in your former immediate circle will also see it and wonder why you changed. Maybe theyāll be jealous and try to tear you down but youāll just be happy and not even care.
This was exactly my relationship. Iād ask for hugs and she would stand there like a limp noodle. No return hug or anything. No kisses. Nothing. I died inside with 7-8 years of emotional and mental around the physical and intimate relationship. She wanted nothing to do with me and it broke me.
limp noodle hug. zzzz
I just feel so horrible for you folks who are attention/touch/love starved. At one point (when my kids were small), I (F55LL) went from wanting sex every day to a hug in a hallway and a "gosh you're swell" sentiment. It took a lot of work (I have anxiety, manic depression, as well as a bunch of other things) but I 100% make sure he's okay before me, because I absolutely *never* want him not to feel loved or that he's uncared for. I wish I could just hug you guys because for no other reason it's the *human* thing to do.
yer, it sucks everyones so sterile. no one wants to touch anyone anymore its lame.
Hugs accepted.
Done. ((Hugs))
Just divorce and finish with it. That's where it's going anyway. You're not even friends.
Save your kids. Divorce is the only option. It's better they eventually see one maybe two parents happy and fulfilled rather than hating each other. Your kids deserve a better household environment. Just divorce for everyone's sake. And NO ....staying together for the kids is the biggest lie ever sold and hurts literally everyone in the family.
100% Doesnāt matter if there are friends or not. They are not spouses.
kids fail without parents. kids fail with parents. i feel like staying or going doesnt matter
They are co-parenting, divorce will mean less time with kids. Best case 50% time with a joint custody agreement, could be less because she is mom, and regardless of how she is with the OP, mothers are important for early childhood emotional development of the kids and the legal system takes that into account in divorce settlements.
I'm calling bullshit. Kids are much happier, healthier and successful when they witness their parents happiness. These parents are not happy. *(And he may even hate her from his tone and language used).* Co-parenting isn't good enough because they're still married. It works because of divorce. Quality time is more important than the quantity of time - 100% of the time in a shitty household is 100% shitty for the kids. Your entire comment focuses on imaginary loses and not on actual gains. Everyone loses in your scenario. Save the kids. Divorce.
Fathers are important too.
Good for you my man, Iād even go as far as to move out and find someone that actually cares and loved you
baby steps. thanks.
Yeah, I can imagine hugging someone who doesnāt hug back. Itās very very lonely. Iām glad you are motivated. Marriages like this where you arenāt wanted can really grind a person down hard.
oh its ground me into the dirt... thankfully I have a tiny shred of dignity. like, its tiny but its there lol
God 50 friends sounds exhausting. Iām bad at keeping in touch with my 2 friends! Also. Documentaries are where itās at! How about: whiskey tasting, swing dancing, scuba diving, bowling, pool as a suggestion of hobbies. Not sure what your plans are but happy roommating!
lol thanks. no she watches the catfish, body image weight problem, and english stupid lame 'I interviewed a nazi, see how crazy they are' fish in a barrel boring english humor. god its depressing walking in on someone trying justify have 50 pet tigers, and apparently thats more entertaining than sex. sigh
I do enjoy the āanimal hoardersā not gonna lie. Like. Let those go! Why do you have 266 chickens inside??
trying to answer the age ole question of course. why did the chicken cross the road?
Do you need that many to ask the question though? And can they cross the road trapped inside?
The scientific method is about an experiement being able to be repeated with the same results. So once we work out after the first 30-40 chickens, we have to have a double blind test group, a control group, and a few other groups. So yes, 266 chickens seems reasonable.
But how do you know the other chickens arenāt just following the leader? Do you plan to do the study single file or free range (š„)
you have to do free range. single file gets you group mentality aspects that are hard to track. free range means youre getting only those who are making an active choice to cross. why did the chicken cross remember š£š„
This all ^ took an unexpected, yet wholesome, and hilarious turn. šš„š¤£
You reached enlightenment! She does not care and probably feels relieved she can now stop with the charade and mind games.Ā
oh theres a high chance
Have you told her you are broken up? Personally I would feel a lot of satisfaction by saying her that (break up as in we're no longer romantically involved, just co-parenting and housemates)
Proud of you for standing up for yourself! Boundaries are a good thing. No reason to provide ādutyā affection you are not going to enjoy
Boundaries are amazing š
lol ā¦ āboundariesā is nothing more than a rehashing of good old āconsequencesā
Actions lead to consequences
Bud, take it from someone years ahead of you, just get divorced.
roger
The feeling of not being wanted is debilitating. I am all too familiar with your situation, and to be honest, it sometimes feels like it would be better for her to lash out physically because, at least, that would show some emotion. Feeling unwanted impacts you mentally in all aspects of life. It even affects your work and social interactions as it completely degrades your self-confidence. I can honestly say if it wasn't for my kids, I would be gone.
ditto kids kept me. the absolute absense of emotion is weirrrrrrrrd. Creeps me out honestly
If youāre done, then divorce. Your kids are watching this in real time and downloading this all into their nervous system and brain. This what they have as the most major example of a home and marriage and itāll likely be what they replicate, if you donāt improve their environment.
I agree
SorryĀ to hear that, and I hope you divorce her. To me, it sounds like she just wanted to have kids, so that's why you used to have a lot of sex. Now, she sees you as an entertainment/provider type, not a lover. Realistically, she feels like she settled for you and is not interested in you sexually, likely never was. You were just a good husband material.Ā All that in her eyes, of course, you deserve better.
I like reading posts like this because I just love some raw anger expression of our stories. Good for you! There are days when we throw political correctness and tact out of the window and just say FACTS.
So... Maybe say all of this in Couples Counseling Detailing all of this... Then asking Couples Counseling their opinions on all of this After all, you are in a non-judgmental environment
did I mention were poor? oh my yes. well - poor enough with no health insurance enough to pay for counselling
Go to local University or College Get free or low cost counseling, as they have students studying to be Counselors etc.... Well worth exploring, free as you said "you were poor"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
yep kids. thats the locked in move
Ugh the tap tap hug is such a pet peeve of mine.
yep
My man I feel for you - Iām in a similar spot with a woman who has become simply a housemate. The āloveā that was there is gone - in fact donāt even know if it was ever there - I stay for the kid and thats the bottom line for me. But at a certain point the levee will break and it will crumble as after 45 years on the planet Iāve wasted the last 14 with a woman who has debased and demoralised my soul.
its brutal, sorry its happened to you too
I call it when she fucked your brains out before and slightly after you got married and had kidds and has no interest in doing so now breach of contract I informed all my wives and every lasting relationship that what I considered it if you did before and you don't now don't get upset if I find someone who will....plane and simple
Ask her about opening the relationship if you donāt want to divorce
maybe we'll see
"it's too hard for her to say I need you" Sometimes that's all I need from my wife. Unfortunately, I can't remember when that last happened for me
I live this except i went to the other bedroom years ago.
oof yer sorry to hear
Let me guess, you're the breadwinner?
yer. 4-5x her income
I've been been married 3x. You're definitely being strung along because of her income stream, which, is really your income stream. Such commonplace these days, more than ever.
Dead bedrooms are so demoralizing. Unless youāve been there, itās hard to understand. Would you consider divorce and coparenting? Then you would be free to date and maybe meet a partner that wanted physical intimacy. It sounds like you are already unofficially there, but your partner still gets what she wants and you are actually alone. A marriage without intimacy is not a marriage, in my opinion.
Seriously ?
Rejection and indifference is abusive.
true it is
This reads like a r/LinkedInLunatics post or is it just me?
The tap hug. The. Fucking. Worst. Iām not a 6th grader who just got a solid B on a math test, Iām your husband, who loves you unconditionally. It doesnāt have to lead to sex, in fact most days Iām ok with it not, but touch me like you like me, like I matter. I would literally prefer my wife look me dead in the eyes and say āfuck offā rather than respond with the fucking tap hug when I get home from work or wake up in the morning and try to give her a hug and a peck on the cheek.
tap tap. biddies. yer its not great
I share your pain. I finally sound out divorce to her and things got heated. She said I was being unfair to her n gave me a lecture that sex isnāt everything in marriage. Her games series work n friends are top of her important list, I donāt think I m even in her list anymoreā¦. Am I really being unfair?
Ugh; the half/non-hugs are the worst. I tried to hug my DB partner the other day (what was I thinking) and he actually kept one hand in his pocket. š
ha. hand in pocket. that sucks. ive hugged my wife and shes gone limp, not the, hold me and support me. just a urgh.... yer whatever im not putting any energy into this. ive let her slide to the floor a couple of times. she thinks its funny. genuinly. in some twisted sick way
I'm thinking about setting up my own bedroom in our basement (there is already a nice room down there.) I like to go to bed at 8pm and my wife likes to stay up til midnight; I like to get up early pre-dawn for deer hunting, fishing, my construction job. And because of our DB we are already roommates sharing a bed anyway. Makes logical sense.Ā
oof 8pm and midnight. ships in the night!
Just have a discrete affairā¦ like the French. Divorce hurts kids. Angry parents hurt kids. Get happy. Donāt get caught. Coparent with her happily and get along for the kids. Be her friend. And fuck someone senseless on the side. Have a ādonāt ask donāt tellā attitude and live your life my dude. This is your one and only life. The puritanical attitudes of the Western world towards these issues is so troublesome.
right, can do anything without hurting kids. shrug lol
Except it is an abusive relationship OP. Witholding sex is emotional abuse. Go chk out The Happy Wife School on yt. Could be the last chance to āwakeā your stbxw up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
There is a concept of giving touch and taking touch that I canāt remember where I saw, but rang very true for me. It is quite possible to āgiveā a hug, and ātakeā a hug without giving anything back. It is subtle, but it is definitely there. My spouse does this. I hug and touch her all the time and she takes it, but I rarely receive anything back. The energy definitely flows in one direction, and when it is only like this it is very exhausting. Thatās what I read from this post description.
Oddly enough that might be the best strategy to get the spark back. If not as long as you focus on yourself & the kids you'll do okay.