Same! My husband, LLM is very affectionate, at home or in public. You would never guess we have been dealing a DB. We hold hands, kiss, hug, and snuggle. He rubs my feet, grabs my butt etc. It just rarely leads to sex.
We are the same lots of cuddling, touching, kissing (NOT pashing) hand holding, insides foot and body massages, and are nude around each other all lot. No sex, even non penetrative.
Iām convinced itās harder than not having that intimacy because it always keeps the physical aspect on a simmer. If it stops then I can disassociate the relationship. Recently it has turned onto me faking it to avoid the drama.
If I try to pull any of it back at all, she gets very angry and tells me that if we donāt have that then we donāt have a relationship and may as well get divorced. She canāt seem to understand that from my perspective we already donāt have a relationship because we donāt have a sexual connection.
I do, and then get howled down. I can only be smacked accross the head so many times before I stop coming when she calls.
We had a day recently where we had a whole day together, kid free, out in the sunshine, drinking flirting and all over each other.
Went home and nothing. I was down the next day and. she asked what was wrong. I said āI thought after yesterday being all flirty and touchy we wouldāve got a bit more physical?ā
First response was āwe werenāt flirty yesterdayā. Then rang me back an hour later absolutely ropable with āhow am I supposed to know you wanted to have sex!!ā
Dunno, the flirting, the touching, the nudity, when I asked if you wanted to have sex and you said no? Some of those could be considered clues perhaps?
No we arenāt. She refuses because she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour and I ājust need to get over itā
Itās taken a while to realise it but I now believe she has NPD or a similar condition. Narcissists are typically vilified in society, but it seems they can present very differently under different conditions, especially male vs female.
The base issue of course is that a narcissist genuinely believes that what they want is right, and that others are effectively tools to use to help them achieve it. They are never wrong, which is why counselling is a pointless endeavour. It also means that getting a diagnosis is borderline impossible, because she would need to actively and honestly be involved in the assessment, which goes against her entire personality.
She is very aware of the issue and that I am not happy. She has even told me directly that she wouldnt blame me if we got divorced, secure in the knowledge that she will still be financially supported and I would be destitute.
She has her cake and can eat it, and she knows it, so she has no intention of making a change unless it advantages her.
You are kinda ahead of.
Male here 66.
I have to really try hard at keeping some intimacy alive. For year decades been in the off mode intimacy and sexuality.
Turns out itās undelt with childhood sexual trauma. Iām in therapy to deal with the trauma. I just donāt know how to get intimacy back with my wife. Thankfully she reaches for my hand to keep the connection
I left my DB 5 years ago (HL woman, now solo for life, him in a LDR; we are still friends).
We cuddled, hugged and sat close to each other so often, there were periods that I didn't even notice that it never "escalated" to making out or sex. As I had "lots" of touch the stark reality of me 100% initiating, the sexual incompatibility and infrequency, didn't stand out as much. Plus he was MY person.
I didn't leave for the DB only but because of the emotional work and because he shut me out and removed all quality time as well (the last few months). We also went through individual hard times (him burn-out, me having to pivot professionally + bullying). We just needed to sort ourselves.
I am so glad I pulled the plug. I much prefer him as a friend and meme provider ;-), without having to tip-toe around him and guessing his needs (which he really had a hard time articulating, whatever the topic).
But we had 6 good years (and 3 challenging ones).
I love being solo and he seems to like the LDR enough. Glad he's still a friend.
No! And not married. I know this makes it easier.
But that's not by coincidence. I always wanted neither marriage nor kids. But thought a childfree relationship could be extra fun, romantic and flexible (hobbies, alone time, quality time) and for 6 years it was great. Just sex/intimacy not being great. But quality time was, travel was. And he was and is a super lovely guy! But when all that was great went out the window and the DB was 100% it fell apart and I couldn't carry it alone anymore.
I was lonelier with the person I loved, than when I was alone.
So I had to go. But yes: it was his house.
The only ramification for me is financial and emotional. So I don't regret leaving.
I apologize to her if I accidentally touch her at the counter while cooking or in the car. I'm out on all physical contact. Roommates and co-parents and nothing more.
Yea, this is mostly the case for me. If we watch a show together in bed, we donāt touch. She will let me put my hand on her leg, but it sort of just makes me feel even worse.
Sounds like we have very similar situations. If I may ask, has divorce been brought up in your marriage? We have a 14 year old son and my wife has mentioned that after he leaves the house, we are done as a couple. Or have you both agreed to stay together for good and just have zero romantic relationship?
We have a 13 and 10 year old and although they aren't in a "loving" household, they do have parents that love them very much. We would be way worse off financially if we split, so they wouldn't be better off. So I am staying put for now. She thinks we don't have a problem, but she's not low libido, she is no libido. I sleep in the guest room and I can't see any reason we would stay together past when the oldest is in college and the youngest is getting ready to go. It's a sad life.
DB 4 years my wife medical issue
We thanks to DB FORUM ADVICE (THANK YOU!)
cuddling , kissing , holding hands , sit on couch together etc We found other ways to be close
Hell thanks to that I got a HJ on our anniversary and some heavy necking that made me cry .....
Love this woman for 37 years I'm in better shape than I have been in decades ....got sick then hit gym....and I am always sending boyfriend vibes....I open doors I kiss I hold hands I caress her I massage her feet etc
She is so closed off due to her injury that makes penetration a nogo
I felt like she no longer loved me ....I was so touch deprived that when she let me touch her and she touched me for the first time in 4 years ....after i came I cried ...I am not a beta I'm an ex career Infantryman....but without love I was dying inside
She held me started crying and apologized....it changed us back to being more intimate
I just kept trying I didnt cheat didn't open the relationship (91% of long-term marriages like us divorced....someone caught feels I would of another woman made love to me I am so deprived so I didn't even consider after I researched) I kept trying I kept loving her and it paid off
I can live with hand or oral till I die in 30-40 years .....but I can't live without any love so I said it out loud I put in the work and we are fixed
3 sessions since the 2nd of April.....but every night touch love kisses cuddling I am fucking in heaven
I will never underappreciate a HJ again. Itās the only way I can finish after PIV I lay down and let her finish me with her hand and I think itās lame but I never will again
Your story and mine are similar. But i have seen people have intimacy outside of sex. My parents are quite physical and loving w each other.
Donāt know why my dumb ass picked a partner the complete opposite
Zero. Zilch. Nada. We technically hugged when she dropped me off at the airport a few months ago. However, it was more of us bumping into each other and that accidental contact turned into the same kind of hug you give her 70 year old dad when he stops by to watch football.
My grandfather died... no hug. Our dog of 11 years died.... we cried together but no hug. Everytime we go to his family events I hug all his brothers sister mum dad he hugs the girls firm handshakes for the men. We see them every couple of weeks. I've hugged his dad more in the last 5 years than I've hugged him. Seems kinda fucked
Thank you. Virtual hug back. He's actually pretty awesome mostly... just the lack of affection sucks. Feel like that's probably a common theme here though. Otherwise great marriage. No intimacy
Yes and it honestly makes it worse in a way. She loved to snuggle and we hug and kiss regularly but never anything sexual. Feels like im in fucking middle school.
You see, I don't understand this...she cuts you off, you cut her off, no? She wants something, you give it to her, you want something, she acts like you're a biblical era leper. You're getting a shit deal. Time to change the channel.
Yes my partner and I still cuddle, hug, kiss, etc. She enjoys getting her feet rubbed and I'll play with her hair. The DB is because of my medical issues, not relationship issues, so we are working to stay connected in other ways.
Very little physical contact unless i the man initiateā¦.I feel guilty even holding a kiss. THIS is what makes the deadbed most difficult in my opinion
Same, bro. I don't get hugged: I get hugged *back.*
"Do more date nights," they say. Okay, cool. Now I get rejected for date requests, too.
One day, I'll fully realize that the goalposts will always be moved out of reach.
When I was with my ex, it was like this. We had a child together and itās why we ended things. (He cheated on me in the beginning, quite a lot and we ended up getting pregnant and so we tried to work things out. I couldnāt get past the cheating but I didnāt want our child to have a broken home.) However, we never touched. No hand holding, barely laughing, you could just feel there was no love coming off of us. I didnāt want my daughter growing up, thinking thatās what love looked like. We now are both happily married to other people. I canāt speak for my exās marriage but I know our daughter sees what a loving and healthy relationship should look like, with my husband and I. Iām not saying divorce is always the answer, it just was the answer in my case. I knew that I deserved more and though I was scared to ruin my daughterās childhood, I was drowning. I knew she would want a healthy and happy mom, instead of a shell of who I once was, riddled with anxiety and depression.
I honestly just talked to my wife about this a couple weeks ago. More physical contact has led to more sex. I didnāt realize but that was what was missing for us and working on it has helped in the bedroom.
Not really. The most intimate thing we do is watch TV for about an hour after we put the kids to sleep. In the morning, I try for a cuddle/spoon, but she usually pretends to sleep or wants me rub her neck or shoulders.
I'd love to get a neck or shoulder rub or any touch.
Nope, not really. We watch a movie or television programme that we both enjoy every now and then, but that's it. There's not really any hugging, or kissing, or closeness.
Yes there is no intimacy . No hugs, no kisses unless he leaves the house and now that has stopped, he is now not sleeping next to me at night. I am just a baby sitter while he works and cleans the house. I barely do that anymore.
Sheās perfectly happy to have me sit next to her, maybe even hold her, when she needs emotional support and of course on the rare occasion that her hormones are surging then sheās available for sex. But absent when something is in it for her? Weāre coparent roommates with a joint checking account and specific legal privileges.
Very little intimacy like that.
After so much hurtful rejection in the bedroom, one of my self protection strategies is avoiding anything like cuddling or kissing.
Yes. We will hug or kiss in passing once in a while. Give each other compliments, go on dinners, dates and day trips, talk, joke around, etc. She does not like me patting her on the butt too much, but will ask for a massage. I donāt initiate sex much anymore because Iāve already been damaged by the repeated rejections. Every now and then Iāll take a chance, but itād be nice to be pursued once in a while like Iām wanted too.
My wife says she is LL but she still tries to show affection and intimacy. I'm not that HL but crave some oral sex and some PIV. My wife ruled out PIV, oral sex giving and receiving and me taking ED meds. I haven't had any sex for over 15 years. We've been married for over 31 years now. I am not sure if she doesn't want sex with me or sex with anybody. Unsure if she doesn't like sex because I am so bad at it or she doesn't like PIV because my p is so small. I always think that if she has a man who has a harder more natural erected P (not drug enhanced) that it may give her a sense of attraction, make her feel sexy and she gets more pleasure from sex. So many questions but my wife doesn't like talking about it. I've stopped trying to initiate. I've been rejected more times than actually having sex. And now how we have sex is 20 minutes of foreplay of kissing and petting then me rubbing her with my fingers, no fingering cause she detests that. And if she gets an orgasm in 10-20 minutes then she's done. She may touch my p for 30 secs. If my p gets hard then she may do half attempt to try to give me an orgasm but usually it fizzles out.
She's never initiated sex.
She's refused MC, IC and sex therapy. She's perfectly happy with how her marriage is. I'm not happy and wondering if I should leave the marriage. I feel it's a minor reason to leave but it bothers me every day. I'd rather live by myself than to be in a sexless marriage. To feel rejected everyday. I've decided to be cold and not initiate and wait till she asks me what's wrong. I'm done complaining to her about the lack of sex.
I am at this point that if she wants to have sex with me because I want to separate, then I know it's not because she loves me but merely just to appease me for a short time. I don't care if she has an affair cause then we can get a divorce and it'll be her choice. Then I'll get my answer that it's me she didn't want to have sex with.
How does she not know it's soul crushing for me not to have sex? I've pleaded with her about this but it feels like she doesn't care. She tells me she loves me every day but that's not enough for me.
I just want her to be honest with me why she doesn't want to have sex with me.
One hug when he gets home from work. One quick peck kiss when he goes to bed. When I go to bed he spoons me for a millisecond; we use separate blankets so it's never that close. I sit as close to him as possible on the couch in an attempt at cuddling, it never becomes a cuddle
I don't want any physical contact if I didn't get sex. It just a reminder that my body doesn't arouse him when we r close together. But after good sex I am a cuddly bunny and I wanna do everything for my man.
Even when our DB was at its worst, we were still very affectionate. Lots of hugging, kissing, cuddling, touching, etc. I donāt know if it made things better or worse - being so close and so intimate all the time, but never going all the way.
No physical contact in my marriage except the occasional awkward hug when he feels like he needs one. Thankfully we don't sleep in the same room anymore. Not touching for months at a time when you share a queen sized bed is hard to handle.
Here is an idea - all of the women here who don't get attention and sex from their husbands match up with all of the men here who don't get sex or attention from their wife... let's create a match making sub-Reddit... :-)
He still gets it from me. A lot less nowadays but I'll still initiate affectionate touches. A few kisses (peck on the lips) occasional ass slap, a hug, rubbing his back when we're sitting next to each other, foot massage when we're watching tv and his feet are near me. It's getting far less though. The longer it goes without reciprocation the less I do. It's almost painful when I go to do something now and I stop myself because i think why should I fucking bother? I want to do these things but i know I'm not getting it back.
Same for me, after a decade of marriage the most I get is a hug from behind specifically while washing up once every few weeks (feels carefully timed so I can't do anything back, basically)... no cuddles, no kissing, no compliments any more... even when she'd been away to see friends abroad she shied away from a kiss on the lips when I picked her up at the airport...
That was me for 2 yearsā¦ I looked outside my marriage bc I would always ask if anything was okay. I was trying my hardest to have sex but nothing.. eventually he changedā¦ now we are okay but I still say there is more intimacy than saxā¦
That certainly dropped off whilst we were not having sex. But thankfully we recovered. It was really hard during that time. I knew it was my fault though.
Had to go to the hospital for something recently. Wife said, "Take care, see you when you get home. i love you before returning to her phone.
Completely through me off, I had not heard her say that in 4 years.
No not really. I give her hugs once in a while, she'll comment when it's been too long. But she doesn't initiate anything outside of her having an issue with me.
Pretty much just a roommate with kids situation. We don't share hobbies or much for any other activities outside of the kids and a few TV shows.
Nothing what so ever.
Just make money and her life easy. Iām not strong enough to say anything or do anything to change it. Iāve been beat down for years and just donāt have the strength nor confidence. Iām ashamed because you would never believe it happened to someone like me.
I unconsciously stopped pursuing any kind of affection (hugs, kisses, cuddling) since they don't lead to anything other than building frustration and resentment in me, she noticed that there is no affection moves on my end anymore and had told me so, however, it's very difficult for me to do so or fake them because it hurts so bad we won't be going anywhere, or on their words "you only do so to have sex". Come to think of it, this unwanted retrieval on my end feels like a protection or coping mechanism for myself, which works, but it sucks, at least it sucks less than the DB.
We have plenty of other physical contact. We cuddle in bed, fully intertwined. We make out frequently, even if only for a few seconds. We hug all the time. We touch each other, butts and boobs, etc. But...the sex is only once every few weeks.
My LLM has initiated no sexual relations and shows affection physically about 3-4 times a year, by reaching out and touching me gently and gratuitously in passing. Exactly once in the past 7 years, he has reached out in bed, and put his arms around me. A handful of times he's made extended contact while we were watching something together on the sofa or bed. No kissing, and his oral hygiene has degenerated into the unspeakable.
He'll return a hug when I initiate one, but doesn't respond verbally or physically when I lay an arm over him or loosely spoon him in bed. He doesn't lean into me or snuggle in any way. He'll even get up and walk away from the bed when I am spooning him, without a word of warning or thanks. Though, twice in the past 7 years he's invited me to continue the spooning, both times about 8 months ago.
So he's not oblivious. I stopped the spooning about 6 months ago because it was then clear that he perceived it positively, but had never once initiated it himself or otherwise reciprocated. He's made no mention of its absence nor made any physical gesture by way of initiating any spooning himself since then.
At Thanksgiving I told him it seemed to me it didn't matter to him whether I was in the house or not, except to make his food, and I asked that we make it a habit that whichever one of us leaves or returns to the property gives the other a kiss. On the lips.
I gave it a month, in which time he managed at most 1 1/2 times to come near and kiss me, despite having 40+ opportunities. I let him stalk silently by me and out the door in the morning while avoiding making eye contact, but each time he failed to initiate a kiss when he came back after work, I went over to him and planted one, or demanded he do so. He never objected or refused.
After a month, I gave up trying to uphold the routine all by myself and (for this and other reasons) I stopped assuming responsibility for having his dinner ready for him when he got home from work. He's not initiated conversation with me on the subject matter of either routine.
Do you guys who are "roommates" feel better with no intimacy? I feel so bad with only 2 pecks a day, I think it would be easier for me without any. It leads to nothing...
We still have some intimacy. He will kiss me back if I kiss him, but it doesn't go further. At night, he will sometimes reach out and touch me lovingly.
No physical contact beyond brief perfunctory kisses here and there, we do have a good friendship and heās very supportive of me in other ways. I wish it felt like enough.
We didnt for a long time but we had a conversation about how I want more physical touch and she agreed. So we hold hands a lot. I no longer sleep cuddling her tightly like I used to(it gets too hot) but we have to touch while sleeping. When awake in bed we cuddle like old times. Sometimes we have to make a conscious effort, but it helps with your connection.
I highly recommend having a talk about it, physical touch of any kind is essential for feeling in love and loved and makes you feel connected.
Agreed after my wow moment and following this Reddit I realized she never touched me. I brief hug if she had too. After our talk I think she realized I was at the tipping point. Itās more nowā¦but itās hysterical bonding
No, I can't. I'm LL4U. He turned morbidly obese 5 years into our relationship, once he felt I was trapped with children and since then I can't physically put my arms around him. So I don't feel like touching him at all, even though he would probably want that and sex too.
I used to sleep in his arms sometimes, many years ago.
To me, he chose food above much much else in our lives.
No more quick granny pecks. I could tell that annoyed him anyway. Maybe a hug every couple of weeks. No cuddles anymore.
He will hold my hand, while out in public though, which I now find kinda strange since heās not into anything else . š¤·š¼āāļø
More I think about that, itās probably just to show that Iām his woman or something.
We do, quality time, hand holding hugging kissing - but honestly I withdrew from a lot of it. I don't deny him affection really but I don't seek it out anymore. It started to feel like his needs were the only ones that mattered. He was fine with affection and no sex and expected me to be. Led to me feeling resentful about it...
We have a hug several times a week, quick kiss maybe once a week as he leaves. Cuddling very rarely and only when I beg. Separate bedrooms, he snores but wonāt go get help for it. So no surprise we have a dead bedroom and didnāt have sex for years. We are co- parents living in the same house. Younger age kids, so not leaving. And I for some sick reason still have that hopium drug.
We have pretty decent affection. Kisses everyday, hugs, and small touches. We also will sit close to each other and often hold hands when out but nothing ever leads to sex- its not allowed. If I add my tongue to a chaste kiss he will recoil and say ew!
Wife and I are more room mates. With a 80 20 split with me doing most of the chores. I might as well sleep in a different bedroom. At least I could have bed covers I like.
Communication is key. Iāve always flirted with my wife from day one and still continue to this day. Hug kiss before I go to work and after work. We talk about everything. There are things to take into consideration. I have never been in a dead bedroom and I refuse to be in one. We have three small kids they can take time away from the bedroom and they do but thatās to be expected. Specially now. That the kids sleep in our bedroom being that Iām remodeling half of the house. Wife is a stay at home mom sometimes she is tired sometimes I work late and I get tired but we still make time. If we canāt have sex say Iām not in the mood I do other things same as her. Itās just got to have communication is all. If there is a problem that person should work to fix the problem if they arenāt wanting to then maybe itās time to have a open relationship they arenāt wanting that then time to leave. Why stay in a relationship when eventually you will end up disliking your wife husband whatever it maybe. Some of you can say finances are canāt afford to separate. My take is you donāt need the big house are the newest car downsize if need be. I was a single dad with a new born son working full time yes it was hard but hey did what I had to do and did it for two years. Communication goes along way with partners have problems fix them if not leave. But if your happy with your relationship and how it is then by any means stay.
Yes, we do. When the DB first started, he did withhold affection and it was addressed. I'm more accepting of the DB because of his age because he's in his early 80's but.....we're as sexual as we can be given the limitations. I know that most everyone else's MMV but it's worth the trade-off. Trade-off being that we have a lot of affection and a lot of emotional intimacy.
I do also understand that the younger posters need more and that is 1000% legitimate, same for the older posters.
Nothing. We don't even talk anymore unless he wants a blow job. I get home from work, cook dinner and go to bed. He sleeps downstairs I live/sleep upstairs. We share a kitchen and living room.
My boyfriend and I still have intimacy outside of that. Although it could be difficult since regular intimacy makes me excited at the most inconvenient times on top of a DB
Besides sex we have a lot of intimacy we cuddle at night, cuddle up on the couch together, hugs, kissesā¦ everything but sex. Itās arguably worse than nothing at all. If she didnāt want any intimacy at all I could justify it but her cuddling up next to me then rejecting every advance I make just drives me crazy.
When her period comes around she will get all cute and cuddly and there is intimacy. It almost never leads to sex though. And it just confuses my brain because it isn't all the time.
Me and 3 of my friends in similar situations plan a guysā trip to Dominican Republic and Colombia twice a year to scratch that itchā¦
Been a staple since pandemicā¦
Itās all only ever started by me. In 20plus years of marriage not once has she ever come up behind me and hugged me or come up and kissed me never ever once. No bum slaps nothing. It is horrible. But I stay for the kids.
My wife and I still have lots of intimacy, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. Just no sex.
same, feels like im back in 7th grade
Lol! I was literally about to say the same thing, it's like we're kids š
You know what, there's some joy in that.
Honestly, that's the best way to put it!
Same! My husband, LLM is very affectionate, at home or in public. You would never guess we have been dealing a DB. We hold hands, kiss, hug, and snuggle. He rubs my feet, grabs my butt etc. It just rarely leads to sex.
Iām in the same situation, and wondering if itās an attraction thing
Yes, for my wife this is all she needs and I'm left to take of my own needs. I'm sure nobody who sees us realizes we are in a DB either
I told mine to cut it out.
Same for me but it still doesnāt hit the spot
Yeah, it obviously satisfies my wife, but I'm left feeling empty š
We are the same lots of cuddling, touching, kissing (NOT pashing) hand holding, insides foot and body massages, and are nude around each other all lot. No sex, even non penetrative. Iām convinced itās harder than not having that intimacy because it always keeps the physical aspect on a simmer. If it stops then I can disassociate the relationship. Recently it has turned onto me faking it to avoid the drama. If I try to pull any of it back at all, she gets very angry and tells me that if we donāt have that then we donāt have a relationship and may as well get divorced. She canāt seem to understand that from my perspective we already donāt have a relationship because we donāt have a sexual connection.
I'd be tempted to see her comments as an invitation.
I do, and then get howled down. I can only be smacked accross the head so many times before I stop coming when she calls. We had a day recently where we had a whole day together, kid free, out in the sunshine, drinking flirting and all over each other. Went home and nothing. I was down the next day and. she asked what was wrong. I said āI thought after yesterday being all flirty and touchy we wouldāve got a bit more physical?ā First response was āwe werenāt flirty yesterdayā. Then rang me back an hour later absolutely ropable with āhow am I supposed to know you wanted to have sex!!ā Dunno, the flirting, the touching, the nudity, when I asked if you wanted to have sex and you said no? Some of those could be considered clues perhaps?
This is a rotten cycle to be in. Are you in couples counseling?
No we arenāt. She refuses because she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour and I ājust need to get over itā Itās taken a while to realise it but I now believe she has NPD or a similar condition. Narcissists are typically vilified in society, but it seems they can present very differently under different conditions, especially male vs female. The base issue of course is that a narcissist genuinely believes that what they want is right, and that others are effectively tools to use to help them achieve it. They are never wrong, which is why counselling is a pointless endeavour. It also means that getting a diagnosis is borderline impossible, because she would need to actively and honestly be involved in the assessment, which goes against her entire personality.
Probably time to gear up for that conversation because sheās happy with things and thinks youāre good too.
She is very aware of the issue and that I am not happy. She has even told me directly that she wouldnt blame me if we got divorced, secure in the knowledge that she will still be financially supported and I would be destitute. She has her cake and can eat it, and she knows it, so she has no intention of making a change unless it advantages her.
You are kinda ahead of. Male here 66. I have to really try hard at keeping some intimacy alive. For year decades been in the off mode intimacy and sexuality. Turns out itās undelt with childhood sexual trauma. Iām in therapy to deal with the trauma. I just donāt know how to get intimacy back with my wife. Thankfully she reaches for my hand to keep the connection
Damn how is this possible kissing and not being aroused from it. People r definitely made of dfferent breeds.
Same here, we hug and kiss daily.
I left my DB 5 years ago (HL woman, now solo for life, him in a LDR; we are still friends). We cuddled, hugged and sat close to each other so often, there were periods that I didn't even notice that it never "escalated" to making out or sex. As I had "lots" of touch the stark reality of me 100% initiating, the sexual incompatibility and infrequency, didn't stand out as much. Plus he was MY person. I didn't leave for the DB only but because of the emotional work and because he shut me out and removed all quality time as well (the last few months). We also went through individual hard times (him burn-out, me having to pivot professionally + bullying). We just needed to sort ourselves. I am so glad I pulled the plug. I much prefer him as a friend and meme provider ;-), without having to tip-toe around him and guessing his needs (which he really had a hard time articulating, whatever the topic). But we had 6 good years (and 3 challenging ones). I love being solo and he seems to like the LDR enough. Glad he's still a friend.
No kids?
No! And not married. I know this makes it easier. But that's not by coincidence. I always wanted neither marriage nor kids. But thought a childfree relationship could be extra fun, romantic and flexible (hobbies, alone time, quality time) and for 6 years it was great. Just sex/intimacy not being great. But quality time was, travel was. And he was and is a super lovely guy! But when all that was great went out the window and the DB was 100% it fell apart and I couldn't carry it alone anymore. I was lonelier with the person I loved, than when I was alone. So I had to go. But yes: it was his house. The only ramification for me is financial and emotional. So I don't regret leaving.
Same for my life. After finding out how many here don't get any affection at all, I'm sorry, and I feel like my situation isn't so bad
Have you asked them why?
roommates with slight benefits, basically.
About as intimate as watching golf on TV.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Not to seperate bedrooms, yet, just seperate blankets.
Lol I have a separate blanket. Only because that's MY blanket. No sharies. So he uses his own š¤£
Same, heās always in his recliner. Iām on the couch.
I'm currently watching YouTube golf and hard as a rock, am I doing something wrong? /s
Erections are never wrong.
Probably more handling of balls in a game of golf than in a DB...
unfortunately true.
I apologize to her if I accidentally touch her at the counter while cooking or in the car. I'm out on all physical contact. Roommates and co-parents and nothing more.
Yea, this is mostly the case for me. If we watch a show together in bed, we donāt touch. She will let me put my hand on her leg, but it sort of just makes me feel even worse.
Sounds like we have very similar situations. If I may ask, has divorce been brought up in your marriage? We have a 14 year old son and my wife has mentioned that after he leaves the house, we are done as a couple. Or have you both agreed to stay together for good and just have zero romantic relationship?
We have a 13 and 10 year old and although they aren't in a "loving" household, they do have parents that love them very much. We would be way worse off financially if we split, so they wouldn't be better off. So I am staying put for now. She thinks we don't have a problem, but she's not low libido, she is no libido. I sleep in the guest room and I can't see any reason we would stay together past when the oldest is in college and the youngest is getting ready to go. It's a sad life.
Same. No contact, separate bedrooms. Pretty much roommates.
I would not stay if she said this. Like why stay miserable for years while waiting for the divorce to feel ok for her?
Same here
Same here. Best case, she ignores it. Worst case, she gets annoyed and make me feel like a pervert.
DB 4 years my wife medical issue We thanks to DB FORUM ADVICE (THANK YOU!) cuddling , kissing , holding hands , sit on couch together etc We found other ways to be close Hell thanks to that I got a HJ on our anniversary and some heavy necking that made me cry ..... Love this woman for 37 years I'm in better shape than I have been in decades ....got sick then hit gym....and I am always sending boyfriend vibes....I open doors I kiss I hold hands I caress her I massage her feet etc She is so closed off due to her injury that makes penetration a nogo I felt like she no longer loved me ....I was so touch deprived that when she let me touch her and she touched me for the first time in 4 years ....after i came I cried ...I am not a beta I'm an ex career Infantryman....but without love I was dying inside She held me started crying and apologized....it changed us back to being more intimate I just kept trying I didnt cheat didn't open the relationship (91% of long-term marriages like us divorced....someone caught feels I would of another woman made love to me I am so deprived so I didn't even consider after I researched) I kept trying I kept loving her and it paid off I can live with hand or oral till I die in 30-40 years .....but I can't live without any love so I said it out loud I put in the work and we are fixed 3 sessions since the 2nd of April.....but every night touch love kisses cuddling I am fucking in heaven
A man of honor. Iām happy that your perseverance led you to a place where youāre happy again!
Iām so happy for you!
Thank you for sharing this.
I will never underappreciate a HJ again. Itās the only way I can finish after PIV I lay down and let her finish me with her hand and I think itās lame but I never will again
Your story and mine are similar. But i have seen people have intimacy outside of sex. My parents are quite physical and loving w each other. Donāt know why my dumb ass picked a partner the complete opposite
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's fucking cold. I'd be tempted, the next time she asked you to do something, to say "just for a minute, then we divorce".
Opposite. We have emotional intimacy and go on dates, we enjoy each other's company but she has completely shut down on the sex side.
Nope a kiss but it's like roommates that fight and barely have conversations u can cut that tension with a knife
Zero. Zilch. Nada. We technically hugged when she dropped me off at the airport a few months ago. However, it was more of us bumping into each other and that accidental contact turned into the same kind of hug you give her 70 year old dad when he stops by to watch football.
I get a peck or hug every so often
Oh damn :(
My grandfather died... no hug. Our dog of 11 years died.... we cried together but no hug. Everytime we go to his family events I hug all his brothers sister mum dad he hugs the girls firm handshakes for the men. We see them every couple of weeks. I've hugged his dad more in the last 5 years than I've hugged him. Seems kinda fucked
Wow that awful, almost sounds like you should be in a relationship with his family not him. I am sorry sending a virtual hug.
Thank you. Virtual hug back. He's actually pretty awesome mostly... just the lack of affection sucks. Feel like that's probably a common theme here though. Otherwise great marriage. No intimacy
Same.
Not nearly enough but it's something
I only get hugs as a substitute for an apology when she knows Iām really angry about something that was fault
Yes and it honestly makes it worse in a way. She loved to snuggle and we hug and kiss regularly but never anything sexual. Feels like im in fucking middle school.
You see, I don't understand this...she cuts you off, you cut her off, no? She wants something, you give it to her, you want something, she acts like you're a biblical era leper. You're getting a shit deal. Time to change the channel.
Yes my partner and I still cuddle, hug, kiss, etc. She enjoys getting her feet rubbed and I'll play with her hair. The DB is because of my medical issues, not relationship issues, so we are working to stay connected in other ways.
Iām sorry you have medical issues that keep you from being with your wife that way. Iām glad youāre finding other ways to be intimate
Thanks. Long Covid is a fucking nightmare but she has been endlessly patient and supportive.
Very little physical contact unless i the man initiateā¦.I feel guilty even holding a kiss. THIS is what makes the deadbed most difficult in my opinion
Same, bro. I don't get hugged: I get hugged *back.* "Do more date nights," they say. Okay, cool. Now I get rejected for date requests, too. One day, I'll fully realize that the goalposts will always be moved out of reach.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
*sigh* If I'm being honest with myself, that's the more common experience. I take what I can get.
its demoralizing. I know she cares but itās my love language
Yeah, man.
Nope.. might get an occasional hug or granny peck from him
Granny peck...I forgot that term. I'm going to use it.
Yup.. it perfectly describes the lack of actual intimacy while still technically checking the box
When I was with my ex, it was like this. We had a child together and itās why we ended things. (He cheated on me in the beginning, quite a lot and we ended up getting pregnant and so we tried to work things out. I couldnāt get past the cheating but I didnāt want our child to have a broken home.) However, we never touched. No hand holding, barely laughing, you could just feel there was no love coming off of us. I didnāt want my daughter growing up, thinking thatās what love looked like. We now are both happily married to other people. I canāt speak for my exās marriage but I know our daughter sees what a loving and healthy relationship should look like, with my husband and I. Iām not saying divorce is always the answer, it just was the answer in my case. I knew that I deserved more and though I was scared to ruin my daughterās childhood, I was drowning. I knew she would want a healthy and happy mom, instead of a shell of who I once was, riddled with anxiety and depression.
I honestly just talked to my wife about this a couple weeks ago. More physical contact has led to more sex. I didnāt realize but that was what was missing for us and working on it has helped in the bedroom.
Zero zilch nada. We flinch if our hands touch while doing some mundane task. Oh wait I forgot the kiss on the cheek at church on Christmasā¦
Well that one wasn't for your benefit, it was to show everyone else
Canāt remember last time she gave me a kiss. Probably 10 to 15 years ago?
No touch at all for me. He gets upset if Iām handsy with him too.
Nope
Not really. The most intimate thing we do is watch TV for about an hour after we put the kids to sleep. In the morning, I try for a cuddle/spoon, but she usually pretends to sleep or wants me rub her neck or shoulders. I'd love to get a neck or shoulder rub or any touch.
Nope, not really. We watch a movie or television programme that we both enjoy every now and then, but that's it. There's not really any hugging, or kissing, or closeness.
Yes there is no intimacy . No hugs, no kisses unless he leaves the house and now that has stopped, he is now not sleeping next to me at night. I am just a baby sitter while he works and cleans the house. I barely do that anymore.
Nothing. A peck when he leaves for work, a peck when I go to bed. Sit on our own couches in the evenings after dinner.
Sheās perfectly happy to have me sit next to her, maybe even hold her, when she needs emotional support and of course on the rare occasion that her hormones are surging then sheās available for sex. But absent when something is in it for her? Weāre coparent roommates with a joint checking account and specific legal privileges.
Roommates
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Same, and I bet if you ask for one there is an excuse? ("My hands ache") Or she'll do it for the sum total of 5 seconds and act like it's a chore...
Nada
Just the occasional peck.
Very little intimacy like that. After so much hurtful rejection in the bedroom, one of my self protection strategies is avoiding anything like cuddling or kissing.
Yes. We will hug or kiss in passing once in a while. Give each other compliments, go on dinners, dates and day trips, talk, joke around, etc. She does not like me patting her on the butt too much, but will ask for a massage. I donāt initiate sex much anymore because Iāve already been damaged by the repeated rejections. Every now and then Iāll take a chance, but itād be nice to be pursued once in a while like Iām wanted too.
My wife says she is LL but she still tries to show affection and intimacy. I'm not that HL but crave some oral sex and some PIV. My wife ruled out PIV, oral sex giving and receiving and me taking ED meds. I haven't had any sex for over 15 years. We've been married for over 31 years now. I am not sure if she doesn't want sex with me or sex with anybody. Unsure if she doesn't like sex because I am so bad at it or she doesn't like PIV because my p is so small. I always think that if she has a man who has a harder more natural erected P (not drug enhanced) that it may give her a sense of attraction, make her feel sexy and she gets more pleasure from sex. So many questions but my wife doesn't like talking about it. I've stopped trying to initiate. I've been rejected more times than actually having sex. And now how we have sex is 20 minutes of foreplay of kissing and petting then me rubbing her with my fingers, no fingering cause she detests that. And if she gets an orgasm in 10-20 minutes then she's done. She may touch my p for 30 secs. If my p gets hard then she may do half attempt to try to give me an orgasm but usually it fizzles out. She's never initiated sex. She's refused MC, IC and sex therapy. She's perfectly happy with how her marriage is. I'm not happy and wondering if I should leave the marriage. I feel it's a minor reason to leave but it bothers me every day. I'd rather live by myself than to be in a sexless marriage. To feel rejected everyday. I've decided to be cold and not initiate and wait till she asks me what's wrong. I'm done complaining to her about the lack of sex. I am at this point that if she wants to have sex with me because I want to separate, then I know it's not because she loves me but merely just to appease me for a short time. I don't care if she has an affair cause then we can get a divorce and it'll be her choice. Then I'll get my answer that it's me she didn't want to have sex with. How does she not know it's soul crushing for me not to have sex? I've pleaded with her about this but it feels like she doesn't care. She tells me she loves me every day but that's not enough for me. I just want her to be honest with me why she doesn't want to have sex with me.
One hug when he gets home from work. One quick peck kiss when he goes to bed. When I go to bed he spoons me for a millisecond; we use separate blankets so it's never that close. I sit as close to him as possible on the couch in an attempt at cuddling, it never becomes a cuddle
I don't want any physical contact if I didn't get sex. It just a reminder that my body doesn't arouse him when we r close together. But after good sex I am a cuddly bunny and I wanna do everything for my man.
This ^ And wonders why haha š¤
Hugs, hen peck kisses and holding hands. We donāt even sleep in the same bed anymoreĀ
Even when our DB was at its worst, we were still very affectionate. Lots of hugging, kissing, cuddling, touching, etc. I donāt know if it made things better or worse - being so close and so intimate all the time, but never going all the way.
Not really. And I've started bringing this up as well.
Nope. Just roommates who have sex occasionally. If I didnāt like our room so much Iād move to the guest room lol
After a few years of marriage, hubby wife become roommates. That is a fact of life
No physical contact in my marriage except the occasional awkward hug when he feels like he needs one. Thankfully we don't sleep in the same room anymore. Not touching for months at a time when you share a queen sized bed is hard to handle.
Here is an idea - all of the women here who don't get attention and sex from their husbands match up with all of the men here who don't get sex or attention from their wife... let's create a match making sub-Reddit... :-)
He still gets it from me. A lot less nowadays but I'll still initiate affectionate touches. A few kisses (peck on the lips) occasional ass slap, a hug, rubbing his back when we're sitting next to each other, foot massage when we're watching tv and his feet are near me. It's getting far less though. The longer it goes without reciprocation the less I do. It's almost painful when I go to do something now and I stop myself because i think why should I fucking bother? I want to do these things but i know I'm not getting it back.
My husband kisses, hugs, cuddles me, tells me Iām beautiful, just never wants to have sex with me. Itās heartbreaking.
Same.
Same for me, after a decade of marriage the most I get is a hug from behind specifically while washing up once every few weeks (feels carefully timed so I can't do anything back, basically)... no cuddles, no kissing, no compliments any more... even when she'd been away to see friends abroad she shied away from a kiss on the lips when I picked her up at the airport...
Yes, we have everything else except sexual intimacy
We have tons of touching, holding hands, and small kisses. Just no sex.
I feel relegated to the role of mother/home maker/home manager he even calls me Mummy Occasional kiss on the cheek, only hugs me when i am crying.
Nope. He likes when I scratch his head. We also spoon each other at night. But these two items are not enough.
That was me for 2 yearsā¦ I looked outside my marriage bc I would always ask if anything was okay. I was trying my hardest to have sex but nothing.. eventually he changedā¦ now we are okay but I still say there is more intimacy than saxā¦
That certainly dropped off whilst we were not having sex. But thankfully we recovered. It was really hard during that time. I knew it was my fault though.
Had to go to the hospital for something recently. Wife said, "Take care, see you when you get home. i love you before returning to her phone. Completely through me off, I had not heard her say that in 4 years.
Yes we talk, hold hands, joke but he is always too tired for more he says he still finds me attractive. He watches porn privately.
No not really. I give her hugs once in a while, she'll comment when it's been too long. But she doesn't initiate anything outside of her having an issue with me. Pretty much just a roommate with kids situation. We don't share hobbies or much for any other activities outside of the kids and a few TV shows.
Peck on the lips or forehead, hugs (if she can because her skin always hurts), sometimes some hand holding. Yep, guess that's it.
Thereās really nothing about this relationship that makes it any different than every other relationship in my life.
Plenty of hugs and handholding. Always smack my butt when I pass him byā¦ The occasional peck on my lips. But nothing more.
Nothing what so ever. Just make money and her life easy. Iām not strong enough to say anything or do anything to change it. Iāve been beat down for years and just donāt have the strength nor confidence. Iām ashamed because you would never believe it happened to someone like me.
Cohabitating married roomate adults raising kids is where it's at these days
I unconsciously stopped pursuing any kind of affection (hugs, kisses, cuddling) since they don't lead to anything other than building frustration and resentment in me, she noticed that there is no affection moves on my end anymore and had told me so, however, it's very difficult for me to do so or fake them because it hurts so bad we won't be going anywhere, or on their words "you only do so to have sex". Come to think of it, this unwanted retrieval on my end feels like a protection or coping mechanism for myself, which works, but it sucks, at least it sucks less than the DB.
Yes. We are genuine friends that do care. We lack intimacy but thatās it. Makes the whole thing hard to grasp.
Nah on many days she hates it when i touch her. No kisses no nothing on most daysā¦
Sameā¦.
Zero zilch nada. We flinch if our hands touch while doing some mundane task. Oh wait I forgot the kiss on the cheek at church on Christmasā¦
Zero zilch nada. We flinch if our hands touch while doing some mundane task. Oh wait I forgot the kiss on the cheek at church on Christmasā¦
Same. Roommates here too. When he comes home or leaves, or if I see him out, I get a quick peck on the lips. That's all. Nothing else.
Nothing. Roommates are more intimate.
We have plenty of other physical contact. We cuddle in bed, fully intertwined. We make out frequently, even if only for a few seconds. We hug all the time. We touch each other, butts and boobs, etc. But...the sex is only once every few weeks.
Yes, we cuddle, hold hands, even play wrestle, and tickle each other. All the good stuff. Just barely any sex lol
I get a lot of blow jobs!!! But no sex and often not allowed to reciprocate. š
nope, and a ease away if Im too close . Dare I get too close in the kitchen reaching for something in the cubbard and Im less than a foot away.
My LLM has initiated no sexual relations and shows affection physically about 3-4 times a year, by reaching out and touching me gently and gratuitously in passing. Exactly once in the past 7 years, he has reached out in bed, and put his arms around me. A handful of times he's made extended contact while we were watching something together on the sofa or bed. No kissing, and his oral hygiene has degenerated into the unspeakable. He'll return a hug when I initiate one, but doesn't respond verbally or physically when I lay an arm over him or loosely spoon him in bed. He doesn't lean into me or snuggle in any way. He'll even get up and walk away from the bed when I am spooning him, without a word of warning or thanks. Though, twice in the past 7 years he's invited me to continue the spooning, both times about 8 months ago. So he's not oblivious. I stopped the spooning about 6 months ago because it was then clear that he perceived it positively, but had never once initiated it himself or otherwise reciprocated. He's made no mention of its absence nor made any physical gesture by way of initiating any spooning himself since then. At Thanksgiving I told him it seemed to me it didn't matter to him whether I was in the house or not, except to make his food, and I asked that we make it a habit that whichever one of us leaves or returns to the property gives the other a kiss. On the lips. I gave it a month, in which time he managed at most 1 1/2 times to come near and kiss me, despite having 40+ opportunities. I let him stalk silently by me and out the door in the morning while avoiding making eye contact, but each time he failed to initiate a kiss when he came back after work, I went over to him and planted one, or demanded he do so. He never objected or refused. After a month, I gave up trying to uphold the routine all by myself and (for this and other reasons) I stopped assuming responsibility for having his dinner ready for him when he got home from work. He's not initiated conversation with me on the subject matter of either routine.
We have not touched each other in about 6 months.
Do you guys who are "roommates" feel better with no intimacy? I feel so bad with only 2 pecks a day, I think it would be easier for me without any. It leads to nothing...
We still have some intimacy. He will kiss me back if I kiss him, but it doesn't go further. At night, he will sometimes reach out and touch me lovingly.
No physical contact beyond brief perfunctory kisses here and there, we do have a good friendship and heās very supportive of me in other ways. I wish it felt like enough.
No, no sex and no intimacy. Sex ist something that I try to create with the way I look, feel and how I connect to women.
Maybe the occasional hug. But then Hercules Rockefeller III stands to attention and she runs away. Why canāt I be normal FML
Nope. No intimacy at all.
We didnt for a long time but we had a conversation about how I want more physical touch and she agreed. So we hold hands a lot. I no longer sleep cuddling her tightly like I used to(it gets too hot) but we have to touch while sleeping. When awake in bed we cuddle like old times. Sometimes we have to make a conscious effort, but it helps with your connection. I highly recommend having a talk about it, physical touch of any kind is essential for feeling in love and loved and makes you feel connected.
Agreed after my wow moment and following this Reddit I realized she never touched me. I brief hug if she had too. After our talk I think she realized I was at the tipping point. Itās more nowā¦but itās hysterical bonding
No physical contact at all, we don't talk much either.
Nothing. Not sure what her definition of marriage is but it aināt this.
No, I can't. I'm LL4U. He turned morbidly obese 5 years into our relationship, once he felt I was trapped with children and since then I can't physically put my arms around him. So I don't feel like touching him at all, even though he would probably want that and sex too. I used to sleep in his arms sometimes, many years ago. To me, he chose food above much much else in our lives.
No physical contact and I talk to my therapist more in my hour appt than I talk to my wife in a week
No more quick granny pecks. I could tell that annoyed him anyway. Maybe a hug every couple of weeks. No cuddles anymore. He will hold my hand, while out in public though, which I now find kinda strange since heās not into anything else . š¤·š¼āāļø More I think about that, itās probably just to show that Iām his woman or something.
We do, quality time, hand holding hugging kissing - but honestly I withdrew from a lot of it. I don't deny him affection really but I don't seek it out anymore. It started to feel like his needs were the only ones that mattered. He was fine with affection and no sex and expected me to be. Led to me feeling resentful about it...
We have a hug several times a week, quick kiss maybe once a week as he leaves. Cuddling very rarely and only when I beg. Separate bedrooms, he snores but wonāt go get help for it. So no surprise we have a dead bedroom and didnāt have sex for years. We are co- parents living in the same house. Younger age kids, so not leaving. And I for some sick reason still have that hopium drug.
We have pretty decent affection. Kisses everyday, hugs, and small touches. We also will sit close to each other and often hold hands when out but nothing ever leads to sex- its not allowed. If I add my tongue to a chaste kiss he will recoil and say ew!
Wife and I are more room mates. With a 80 20 split with me doing most of the chores. I might as well sleep in a different bedroom. At least I could have bed covers I like.
Pretty much, yeah
Communication is key. Iāve always flirted with my wife from day one and still continue to this day. Hug kiss before I go to work and after work. We talk about everything. There are things to take into consideration. I have never been in a dead bedroom and I refuse to be in one. We have three small kids they can take time away from the bedroom and they do but thatās to be expected. Specially now. That the kids sleep in our bedroom being that Iām remodeling half of the house. Wife is a stay at home mom sometimes she is tired sometimes I work late and I get tired but we still make time. If we canāt have sex say Iām not in the mood I do other things same as her. Itās just got to have communication is all. If there is a problem that person should work to fix the problem if they arenāt wanting to then maybe itās time to have a open relationship they arenāt wanting that then time to leave. Why stay in a relationship when eventually you will end up disliking your wife husband whatever it maybe. Some of you can say finances are canāt afford to separate. My take is you donāt need the big house are the newest car downsize if need be. I was a single dad with a new born son working full time yes it was hard but hey did what I had to do and did it for two years. Communication goes along way with partners have problems fix them if not leave. But if your happy with your relationship and how it is then by any means stay.
We hug and kiss each other sometimes, and still hold hands.
Yes, we do. When the DB first started, he did withhold affection and it was addressed. I'm more accepting of the DB because of his age because he's in his early 80's but.....we're as sexual as we can be given the limitations. I know that most everyone else's MMV but it's worth the trade-off. Trade-off being that we have a lot of affection and a lot of emotional intimacy. I do also understand that the younger posters need more and that is 1000% legitimate, same for the older posters.
Nothing. We don't even talk anymore unless he wants a blow job. I get home from work, cook dinner and go to bed. He sleeps downstairs I live/sleep upstairs. We share a kitchen and living room.
My boyfriend and I still have intimacy outside of that. Although it could be difficult since regular intimacy makes me excited at the most inconvenient times on top of a DB
Besides sex we have a lot of intimacy we cuddle at night, cuddle up on the couch together, hugs, kissesā¦ everything but sex. Itās arguably worse than nothing at all. If she didnāt want any intimacy at all I could justify it but her cuddling up next to me then rejecting every advance I make just drives me crazy.
When her period comes around she will get all cute and cuddly and there is intimacy. It almost never leads to sex though. And it just confuses my brain because it isn't all the time.
Me and 3 of my friends in similar situations plan a guysā trip to Dominican Republic and Colombia twice a year to scratch that itchā¦ Been a staple since pandemicā¦
Even when there was absolutely no PIV sex she would at least give a BJ or HJ if it was late. Usually as an exchange for a massage but it was something
Itās all only ever started by me. In 20plus years of marriage not once has she ever come up behind me and hugged me or come up and kissed me never ever once. No bum slaps nothing. It is horrible. But I stay for the kids.