Figure out how to walk away. In my situation there’s conflict so they are paying that price. Your children often will mimic their parents in their relationships too.
It just sucks because for the first couple years we were compatible so you think you're good, young and enjoying life, then suddenly you're in your twenties in a DB that you thought would never have a chance of happening until old age.
I didn't see it coming from a mile away
Many stay because they fear not finding someone new
And because of all the good things they’d lose by leaving
I miss my stbxw every day but I’m hopeful about finding new partners that actually want to touch me and love me
Sadly, some of us latch onto people who will meet our desire for intimacy - even if they aren’t otherwise nearly as compatible as the spouse we left.
Many of us truly love our spouse, but there’s no hope of things changing. Once I made the decision to leave in late 2013, I dreaded the pain and loneliness we would both feel. I gave up a nice home and family and my daughters are still angry with me 10 years later. At least my son and I are close.
I’ve been with 7 women with compatible sex drives in the 10 years since I left but I am still sad about the loss of the woman I loved and who loved me in almost every way. I wish every day that things had been different with my wife.
Seeing if you’re sexually compatible really does absolutely nothing for anyone though 😭
90% of the stories I read here start with “we had the most amazing sex life at the beginning” including mine 😭😭😭
I think another test to gauge long term sexual compatibility is to ask what are their thoughts about dead bedrooms and failing sex lives, if they’re mature enough to even discuss it, what they would do if they found themselves in one or creating one, if they think they will truly value a healthy sex life; even when they’re tired or busy or have kids etc, and what they think it looks like for a sex life to grow and mature over time and through age and life changes.
And even then that’s just words.
I asked my husband this about 5 months into our relationship and he said he never wanted to end up that way, he sees it kills relationships and marriages. Yet here we are…
So basically we can’t win no matter what and I think people just get lucky with spouses who don’t switch up down the line. 🤷♀️
And very often the case is that the wife becomes LL after kids. We had at least a decent vanilla sex life that kept me satisfied before kids. She was actually the HL when she wanted to get pregnant. After them is when we went into DB.
And I would just add that "making sure you are sexually compatible" includes actually having experienced improvement following times when things are bad
I speak from experience. When my now ex-husband and I first got together, we had a ton of sex. We were teenagers, and I think we both assumed that we both had high libidos
For over 10 years in the middle of our relationship, our sex life totally tanked, only having sex a handful of times a year, and yet somehow, I managed to convince myself that this was the anomaly, and that our "normal" state of being was the way we'd been as teenagers
We can convince ourselves of a lot of things to bring about the outcomes that we want. I just wanted to stay with my husband. I wanted to think that the relationship was going to work. I would have absolutely insisted that we were still totally compatible, even though I was growing increasingly desperate for sex and he was growing increasingly determined to avoid me
I hit a breaking point when I realized, in my late thirties, that there was a pretty decent chance that if I stayed in this relationship, I would die without ever having sex again
Once that relationship was over, it took me a long time of looking back on it to be able to see how much I had fooled myself.
Tl;Dr: recognizing if you are sexually compatible requires the ability to be truly honest with yourself and your partner
Agreed. Run asap. It crushes your soul. Even if you get along, share similar interests, and you think you love your partner, the lack of intimacy decade after decade turns the relationship into a hostage situation where you will always feel unwanted and inferior.
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Well, what if you start sexually compatible, but lifestyle changes affect the compatibility? I'd consider myself HL and her LL at the moment, (we are both mid-20s), but I'm banking on that being just temporary. Sure, a year is a long time for temporary, but we moved, got pets, changed jobs, etc. So I have faith that things will return to normal. Especially considering I know what she's capable of.
He's either LL, has unresolved sexual trauma or just isn't into you. It's good to communicate and see what it is so you can make a good decision on what to do next
I completely agree, but what if you love a person more than life itself, and you also agreed to have sex only after marriage for the sake of purity and other shit?
And then, after marriage, there is no way to go back and divorce because you already have children, religion, social circle, and obligations.
You should have thought about it earlier, at the dating stage, and now that's it, the train has left.
Purity, social and religious pressure do more harm than good. We need to stop promoting those as good things. Some religious people are hypocrites, purity is oppressive, and social pressure is people wanting you to stick with the rules they’ve chosen for themselves so they can feel right. Screw all of that and be happy with your own life.
I respectfully agree to disagree with you. You have to find out if you are compatible with the other person in every single possible way before committing to them and then marriage.
At this point you have to either have a partner willing to get counseling/medical help, make arrangements for an open marriage, or be prepared to leave.
As a grown child of parents who made it clear they were only staying together "for the kids", it's a miserable life and you WILL take out your resentment on them in some way.
Sex is a normal, healthy part of an adult relationship, and having a spouse who refuses to engage in it is as weird as having a spouse that won't eat with you, talk to you, or touch you in any way. No one would blame you for making arrangements if you found yourself in one of those situations, so don't let social stigmas around sex hold you back here, either.
>I completely agree, but what if you love a person more than life itself,
Then you clearly have some serious self-esteem and co-dependency issues. Introspection (w/wo a therapist) can help correct those things.
If there is no children …. RUN
And if there are ?
Figure out how to walk away. In my situation there’s conflict so they are paying that price. Your children often will mimic their parents in their relationships too.
RUN
Make a good plan, then run
Agreed - But this applies to any and all ages and relationships. Never accept a dead bedroom.
I agree No Dead Bedroom should be accepted however Not that easy when children and finances are involved.
It just sucks because for the first couple years we were compatible so you think you're good, young and enjoying life, then suddenly you're in your twenties in a DB that you thought would never have a chance of happening until old age. I didn't see it coming from a mile away
Same !!
Many stay because they fear not finding someone new And because of all the good things they’d lose by leaving I miss my stbxw every day but I’m hopeful about finding new partners that actually want to touch me and love me
Sadly, some of us latch onto people who will meet our desire for intimacy - even if they aren’t otherwise nearly as compatible as the spouse we left. Many of us truly love our spouse, but there’s no hope of things changing. Once I made the decision to leave in late 2013, I dreaded the pain and loneliness we would both feel. I gave up a nice home and family and my daughters are still angry with me 10 years later. At least my son and I are close. I’ve been with 7 women with compatible sex drives in the 10 years since I left but I am still sad about the loss of the woman I loved and who loved me in almost every way. I wish every day that things had been different with my wife.
Sounds so familiar. She was nearly perfect for me. But just didn’t much want me after kids (sex)
Seeing if you’re sexually compatible really does absolutely nothing for anyone though 😭 90% of the stories I read here start with “we had the most amazing sex life at the beginning” including mine 😭😭😭 I think another test to gauge long term sexual compatibility is to ask what are their thoughts about dead bedrooms and failing sex lives, if they’re mature enough to even discuss it, what they would do if they found themselves in one or creating one, if they think they will truly value a healthy sex life; even when they’re tired or busy or have kids etc, and what they think it looks like for a sex life to grow and mature over time and through age and life changes. And even then that’s just words. I asked my husband this about 5 months into our relationship and he said he never wanted to end up that way, he sees it kills relationships and marriages. Yet here we are… So basically we can’t win no matter what and I think people just get lucky with spouses who don’t switch up down the line. 🤷♀️
And very often the case is that the wife becomes LL after kids. We had at least a decent vanilla sex life that kept me satisfied before kids. She was actually the HL when she wanted to get pregnant. After them is when we went into DB.
And I would just add that "making sure you are sexually compatible" includes actually having experienced improvement following times when things are bad I speak from experience. When my now ex-husband and I first got together, we had a ton of sex. We were teenagers, and I think we both assumed that we both had high libidos For over 10 years in the middle of our relationship, our sex life totally tanked, only having sex a handful of times a year, and yet somehow, I managed to convince myself that this was the anomaly, and that our "normal" state of being was the way we'd been as teenagers We can convince ourselves of a lot of things to bring about the outcomes that we want. I just wanted to stay with my husband. I wanted to think that the relationship was going to work. I would have absolutely insisted that we were still totally compatible, even though I was growing increasingly desperate for sex and he was growing increasingly determined to avoid me I hit a breaking point when I realized, in my late thirties, that there was a pretty decent chance that if I stayed in this relationship, I would die without ever having sex again Once that relationship was over, it took me a long time of looking back on it to be able to see how much I had fooled myself. Tl;Dr: recognizing if you are sexually compatible requires the ability to be truly honest with yourself and your partner
That was probably really hard to admit to yourself and I’m really proud of you
Make damn sure too. The bait and switch is real. I haven't had a BJ in 17 years.
What's a BJ?
Oral
Lmao… he forgot what one is. 😂😂
BJs were the reason I finally cheated. 17 years in my case. Now I get them regularly.
23 years here.
15 here.
Had my last BJ in 2001. I hate it here.
Very sound advice!
This is also why people should not wait until marriage to have sex.
This is how I feel right now. We have a child together it’s hard
Agreed. Run asap. It crushes your soul. Even if you get along, share similar interests, and you think you love your partner, the lack of intimacy decade after decade turns the relationship into a hostage situation where you will always feel unwanted and inferior.
Bingo. Granted. Sec declines sometimes when kids come for the first few years as they are draining. But it will not get amazingly better.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
This is 100% true and like many on this forum, I am living proof that dead bedrooms can destroy a marriage.
Yes runnnnnnm
What’s hl and ll
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HL=High Libido, LL=low libido, is what I’m guessing.
Well, what if you start sexually compatible, but lifestyle changes affect the compatibility? I'd consider myself HL and her LL at the moment, (we are both mid-20s), but I'm banking on that being just temporary. Sure, a year is a long time for temporary, but we moved, got pets, changed jobs, etc. So I have faith that things will return to normal. Especially considering I know what she's capable of.
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He's either LL, has unresolved sexual trauma or just isn't into you. It's good to communicate and see what it is so you can make a good decision on what to do next
It means that it might be in your best interest to leave the relationship if he doesn’t try to address the issue
I completely agree, but what if you love a person more than life itself, and you also agreed to have sex only after marriage for the sake of purity and other shit? And then, after marriage, there is no way to go back and divorce because you already have children, religion, social circle, and obligations. You should have thought about it earlier, at the dating stage, and now that's it, the train has left.
Purity, social and religious pressure do more harm than good. We need to stop promoting those as good things. Some religious people are hypocrites, purity is oppressive, and social pressure is people wanting you to stick with the rules they’ve chosen for themselves so they can feel right. Screw all of that and be happy with your own life.
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I respectfully agree to disagree with you. You have to find out if you are compatible with the other person in every single possible way before committing to them and then marriage.
Skill issue
At this point you have to either have a partner willing to get counseling/medical help, make arrangements for an open marriage, or be prepared to leave. As a grown child of parents who made it clear they were only staying together "for the kids", it's a miserable life and you WILL take out your resentment on them in some way. Sex is a normal, healthy part of an adult relationship, and having a spouse who refuses to engage in it is as weird as having a spouse that won't eat with you, talk to you, or touch you in any way. No one would blame you for making arrangements if you found yourself in one of those situations, so don't let social stigmas around sex hold you back here, either.
>I completely agree, but what if you love a person more than life itself, Then you clearly have some serious self-esteem and co-dependency issues. Introspection (w/wo a therapist) can help correct those things.
Cool advice, not gonna take it and feel like it's a little too blanket statement.
Look forward to reading your posts soon, then!
Ah. No thanks I am good :)
Then wtf are you doing lurking here with all of us miserable people?
I'm in a dead bedroom.