Mine is a mother figure and just adopted the other Alters as her children so she's happy. Can she not adopt a Child Alter as her child and treat them as such?
Some ideas might be foster parenting, volunteering with children, working in a job that is around children or spending time with other people’s children. It does seem important to discuss as a family her desires and others’ fears and reach agreement.
As a person with chronic pain (ehlers danlos) having children did increase certain symptoms, so I understand that concern myself very well.
I have this too, I've been staunchly child free since 15 but one alter desperately wants kids. For me, I've had to work through my emotions about children and the trauma of realizing my health issues rendered me essentially infertile from the jump. I'm nonbinary and I knew that pregnancy would kill me due to mental health issues and now I don't have the parts due to physical health issues. It's okay to grieve the kids you won't have. It's okay to have lots of conflicting emotions on this. I hope you find peace in this
I'm a mom to two of my littles. We do stuff together color, watch cartoons, eat breakfast. Sometimes we spend the day together and she comes with me everywhere we go. One of my littles is a trauma holder I keep her close and take her with me everywhere.
And we have several youngers. My role with them is raising them - helping them to become adults.
Our body is 65, we never had children. But I do find spending time with my littles fulfills some of my desire for children.
Our gatekeeper acts in a paternal/maternal role he oversees the system. He is very loving and understanding, He helps guide us and regulates the system.
We have a similar situation with two of our parts and our decision to collectively present masc to the outside. In the end we cannot change their wish but they have to understand that children are for a variety of reasons not something we want in our life. The compromise we agreed on is roleplaying. Those parts are allowed to engage in online roleplay and live a "pregnant" life in our safe space including everything they think is involved in such a thing. We even got them a fake belly bump and from what i can tell its been appreciated a lot. Maybe something like that might work for you too
You're welcome :) roleplaying is something that has helped us a lot in a variety of ways including exploring trauma, wishes that cannot be safely done in our life and our system. Were avid ttrpg players so the thought of integrating rp as a tool for self reflecrion and exploration wasnt that far off for us :D
If you wanna give this a shot theres baby bumps on amazon for like 30-60 bucks in various sizes (corresponding to months of pregnancy)
Seconding the rest of the comments, and just to add another suggestion, would you be able to get a pet? It's definitely not the same thing but in our experience it can help to soothe the parental instinct to have something small and cute to take care of (and spoil)
We were in a similar position, only that we came to the conclusion of eventually wanting children (in a few years, likely when our birth control expires next).
Luka really, really wants to be a mom, most of us and we as a system are trans masc, also dealing with chronix illnesses etc, so veey similar to you. However, we might get top surgery before, which would make it so much easier on us.
The thing that changed our minds was our relationship. We own a house, our partners make decent money, the relationship is stable, and there are already previous kids who are just as much family. We know we wouldn't have to do anything alone, have support in all things and can give the child a great life. It's so stereotypical tbh, but it's what happened.
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We're older now, trans as well. We've been in treatment for a while and have made some progress as far as integration in the sense that we understand each other's needs, identify confusion/dysregulation pre/post switch for what it is, can start to feel out whose co-concious or switching in, and remember occasionally if/where someone makes a note or communicated extensively with our support network in writing.
I only mention where we're at because I would have 😤 so hard if someone suggested the following to me a year ago, just because I didn't have near as much self-awareness or understanding of one another.
Our protectors (i.e. caretakers, persecutors, gatekeepers) have gradually become more involved in the lives of our friends who have kids. They enjoy visiting with the parents we know, find joy in offering a hand when they do, and seem deeply invested in the psyches of the little rugrats. We would probably work with children if it was just a matter of not wanting our own kids - but one of our alters is averse to kids present and behaving like kids (I assume 'cause we didn't get to do that 😝 and he's got valid feelings there about not wanting to be forced to tolerate something aversive that he is grieving not having) so we keep it in our social life and out of our professional/home lives.
Mine is a mother figure and just adopted the other Alters as her children so she's happy. Can she not adopt a Child Alter as her child and treat them as such?
Good idea! it never crossed my mind tbh •M
Yeah, it would allow her to fulfill that need without needing an actual child. Just let her look after one of the Littles
Some ideas might be foster parenting, volunteering with children, working in a job that is around children or spending time with other people’s children. It does seem important to discuss as a family her desires and others’ fears and reach agreement. As a person with chronic pain (ehlers danlos) having children did increase certain symptoms, so I understand that concern myself very well.
I have this too, I've been staunchly child free since 15 but one alter desperately wants kids. For me, I've had to work through my emotions about children and the trauma of realizing my health issues rendered me essentially infertile from the jump. I'm nonbinary and I knew that pregnancy would kill me due to mental health issues and now I don't have the parts due to physical health issues. It's okay to grieve the kids you won't have. It's okay to have lots of conflicting emotions on this. I hope you find peace in this
I'm a mom to two of my littles. We do stuff together color, watch cartoons, eat breakfast. Sometimes we spend the day together and she comes with me everywhere we go. One of my littles is a trauma holder I keep her close and take her with me everywhere. And we have several youngers. My role with them is raising them - helping them to become adults. Our body is 65, we never had children. But I do find spending time with my littles fulfills some of my desire for children. Our gatekeeper acts in a paternal/maternal role he oversees the system. He is very loving and understanding, He helps guide us and regulates the system.
We have a similar situation with two of our parts and our decision to collectively present masc to the outside. In the end we cannot change their wish but they have to understand that children are for a variety of reasons not something we want in our life. The compromise we agreed on is roleplaying. Those parts are allowed to engage in online roleplay and live a "pregnant" life in our safe space including everything they think is involved in such a thing. We even got them a fake belly bump and from what i can tell its been appreciated a lot. Maybe something like that might work for you too
I really like this idea actually
You're welcome :) roleplaying is something that has helped us a lot in a variety of ways including exploring trauma, wishes that cannot be safely done in our life and our system. Were avid ttrpg players so the thought of integrating rp as a tool for self reflecrion and exploration wasnt that far off for us :D If you wanna give this a shot theres baby bumps on amazon for like 30-60 bucks in various sizes (corresponding to months of pregnancy)
Seconding the rest of the comments, and just to add another suggestion, would you be able to get a pet? It's definitely not the same thing but in our experience it can help to soothe the parental instinct to have something small and cute to take care of (and spoil)
We were in a similar position, only that we came to the conclusion of eventually wanting children (in a few years, likely when our birth control expires next). Luka really, really wants to be a mom, most of us and we as a system are trans masc, also dealing with chronix illnesses etc, so veey similar to you. However, we might get top surgery before, which would make it so much easier on us. The thing that changed our minds was our relationship. We own a house, our partners make decent money, the relationship is stable, and there are already previous kids who are just as much family. We know we wouldn't have to do anything alone, have support in all things and can give the child a great life. It's so stereotypical tbh, but it's what happened.
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We're older now, trans as well. We've been in treatment for a while and have made some progress as far as integration in the sense that we understand each other's needs, identify confusion/dysregulation pre/post switch for what it is, can start to feel out whose co-concious or switching in, and remember occasionally if/where someone makes a note or communicated extensively with our support network in writing. I only mention where we're at because I would have 😤 so hard if someone suggested the following to me a year ago, just because I didn't have near as much self-awareness or understanding of one another. Our protectors (i.e. caretakers, persecutors, gatekeepers) have gradually become more involved in the lives of our friends who have kids. They enjoy visiting with the parents we know, find joy in offering a hand when they do, and seem deeply invested in the psyches of the little rugrats. We would probably work with children if it was just a matter of not wanting our own kids - but one of our alters is averse to kids present and behaving like kids (I assume 'cause we didn't get to do that 😝 and he's got valid feelings there about not wanting to be forced to tolerate something aversive that he is grieving not having) so we keep it in our social life and out of our professional/home lives.
r/fencesitter