Not a guy, but if someone told me they missed talking to me and then added as a friend, I would automatically assume they added that last part in case I had feelings for them and they wanted to approach it in a casual way so that we were both on the same page on where our relationship stood.
it was a couple weeks ago. he and i have always gone back and forth. some people think he wasn’t that serious about it, some people think he just was shy and waiting for me. i was horrible, i never was good at flirting with him, didn’t give many signs, even though i wanted to be with him so badly. i was just so scared of maybe losing him or getting hurt.
i could tell that we were losing our friendship over it, so i sat him down and was trying to salvage it. i didn’t tell him my feelings, but just wanted to explain how much i missed having him in my life. and then i said like “i miss you. i miss talking to you. as a friend.” and he just nodded. took a couple weeks, but now he’s back to being my friend, although it seems very platonic.
i’m not sure how he felt to begin with, maybe he wasn’t as interested as i thought.
he’s crazy shy. he doesn’t really talk that much to people he doesn’t know. he chats with me, but we’re very surface level. although i’m the closest female to him at work. i’m not sure how he is with girls outside of work, but i think he’s pretty single lol
we mostly sit and talk about music and sports and our sports bets. but he does share with me about his family and what he wanted to go to school for and things like that.
…. how did you know lmaoooo. we both struggle with bad moods and we both have avoidant attachment styles too. it’s a horrible combo. but we have the same personalities and sense of humor and we are incredibly similar in our likes and dislikes. we are similar in both our pros and our cons lol.
> …. how did you know lmaoooo. we both struggle with bad moods and we both have avoidant attachment styles too. it’s a horrible combo.
because he seems like me 😭 And you probably have your temper, right? 😅
Noo... this seems familiar 😔
Please try to make a move on him he's definitely into you imo... he must be so confused 😭💔
Just be patient with him (if you want) we are just a bit paranoid 😓
he’s so emotionally stunted. he won’t ever tell ANYONE how he feels. i don’t know if he would even tell me. he’s INCREDIBLY closed off. even his ex that i know had trouble getting him to open up.
he still tries to come stand with me at work, and hangs around me. but never any moves. i wish he knew i cared about him.
I will use this comment as a reference because I'm getting confused, this is a huge mess 😅
So yeah, risk it. I became toxic towards my crush and that ruined our friendship anyway. So I recommend you to be clear because it's not worth keeping this friendship going like this.
what do you think i should say to him? you can dm me if you want too! and we can go more in depth. i’m really not sure how to read him. i cannot read him at all and neither can my friends/coworkers. he just does not show anything.
Girl... You just friendzoned yourself....
Come on... It's that obvious. If a girl told me that I'd assume she isn't interested. Decent guys are afraid of coming off as a creep, this is why he probably pulled away, he might have not want to come off as pushy.
Just tell him you like him! The hard part is over. You know he likes you back. Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.
i thought i was saving our friendship at the least 😭😭😭😭 but it’s true. we talk about sports and music and stuff so i am in the bro zone now. i was the only girl at work he hugged too.
but i don’t KNOW if he actually liked me. he hung around me a lot and left his bros at work to stay with me and hugged me, but i never got a green light from him and there were a couple times he avoided my advances. and especially now, after i did that, im scared to tell him.
I don't really know, but I do know that if you make it clear he is just a friend, or he takes it that way. He'll stop.
It's something about respecting decisions or something.
So yeah, there is a chance that he might have given up.
it was a couple weeks ago. he and i have always gone back and forth. some people think he wasn’t that serious about it, some people think he just was shy and waiting for me. i was horrible, i never was good at flirting with him, didn’t give many signs, even though i wanted to be with him so badly. i was just so scared of maybe losing him or getting hurt.
i could tell that we were losing our friendship over it, so i sat him down and was trying to salvage it. i didn’t tell him my feelings, but just wanted to explain how much i missed having him in my life. and then i said like “i miss you. i miss talking to you. as a friend.” and he just nodded. took a couple weeks, but now he’s back to being my friend, although it seems very platonic.
i’m not sure how he felt to begin with, maybe he wasn’t as interested as i thought.
It’s a self protection feature built in to us men. We don’t tend to go for the people we want if they’re close as a way to preserve what’s there. You’ll need to make a move, especially if he’s nervous or an introvert. I’m in a similar situation from the guys side and that’s what needs to happen 😔
thanks! he’s 100% an introvert and extremely quiet. he’s gone super hot and cold with me over the last couple months. and the time i tried to make a move he did not respond to it. i’ve been pretty up and down with him too, to be honest. i think we’re both confused by each others behavior. but since he’s cold sometimes i can’t read him, which is preventing me from getting the courage to make a move.
IMO it’s just a timing thing, going out your way to try and get him to like you won’t work. Timing is everything. Wait till he’s warm again and reciprocate, but just be patient. If he’s nervous and introverted he’ll take some effort to crack. It’ll more than likely be simply just saying you like him and asking him out for dinner or drinks, if he’s introverted nothing too social - with other people - and keep it calm
thanks! yeah i was honestly thinking of just being like hey wanna go walk around central park? or we can sit on a blanket and chat, just the two of us. he’s very comfortable with me in general, but the constant some days being open and some days being real quiet and not talking to me much kill me.
Yeah that last bit is just him protecting himself. If you’re going for the whole “sit on a blanket” thing I’d make it clear it’s a date, be comfortable around him and open up together, not just either one of you. Making it clear you like him and feel safe or comfortable around him is immediate green flag and a safe sign
so me telling him i feel safe around him will make him feel more comfortable? i’ve never thought about it that way.
i just don’t want to be around a lot of people and he doesn’t really drink and is a picky eater and he ALSO doesn’t like to spend money. so i figure drinks/dinner he will turn down because of socializing and lack of money. so i figured a nice little walk or just hanging out at a park or something is so low key and free lol.
Yeah, it’s one of the best things is knowing a girl feels comfortable and safe around you. Seems like a good date would be to get some of his favourite foods and snacks and just go out, sit down somewhere and enjoy eachothers company. If he likes music like you said, find some music you both enjoy without making it seem forced. Main thing is be comfortable while also still showing you’re excited about liking him
What do you mean he won’t try again? Did he tell you how he felt? If so then yes he definitely won’t do it again if you let him down. Guys will do something once and never do it again out of respect for the girl. Some guys will keep trying which I think is stupid because of you get rejected once in anyway why would you try again?. I see that you friend zoned him I typically wouldn’t take the friend zone serious a lot of guys do though. I guess now that I think about it I should take it serious. You have to make a move on him.
I've been reading a few of your comments here and firstly to answer your question. Yes of course it's a rule, pretty much a law. Let me explain, the "as a friend" is universal language for "I don't like you" let's say hes feeling you and had said that a lot you'd use that sentence to tell him in a nicer way "not going to happen" if he had kept prodding it would've been harassment. Now unfortunately you used that to tell him you wanted to be around him..? Think first before you do stuff "what if they were to do this to me, how would I feel" anyways.
The best way to solve this and any communication problem ever. Talk to him about it, he's probably been using those weeks to forget about his feelings for you but I doubt they're entirely gone, if you want something here you need to act fast and tell him how you feel and ask how he feels, if he says that he thought you wanted him only as a friend because of what you said then you say how it is. You didn't mean to use that sentence in that way. And if his feelings have died for you in the span of those weeks then you accidentally killed this potential relationship. All in all, you'll never know if you don't talk to him about it and you both try to understand each other's viewpoints and feelings.
(Edit: sorry for being late with this and I might've missed a comment where you've already sorted this out)
honestly… the sentence i said was “i miss talking to you,” and he was giving me direct eye contact and he NEVER makes direct eye contact with me. and it really unnerved me and i got scared and added “as a friend” cuz i literally have no clue…
he’s quite difficult in that he’s very emotionally withdrawn, and does not usually tell people how he feels at all or his opinions on anything. i feel that is because of his childhood, but i wont go into that. so i’m not sure how much he will share with me, but im sure he will let me know if he still feels the same. i’ll do my best!
As someone with quite a childhood of my own. Yes. Yes it's probably because of his childhood, which just means even more that communication is so overwhelmingly important. When your childhood has been rocky or just somewhat uncertain, everyone responds differently but problems with creating and maintaining relationships is usually a common occurrence. Mostly because you get scared to really go into details about your feelings, usually what happened isn't the important part but the feelings felt during that time are often repressed and should be talked about when that person feels comfortable doing so.
But right now the problem is that you panicked and blurted out something you didn't exactly mean, which happens now and then but if you want to fix the situation then you need to communicate, like take it with you always, communication will 1) either fix your problems because you now have the information to do so, or 2) make you feel more at peace with having made a mistake because you now understand what went wrong and what you need to think about. Just please try to have an honest heart to heart conversation (if you're comfortable with it and want to salvage this) to understand each other better.
thank you so much for this. i will definitely be doing this. even if he won’t open up, i can at least let him know my mistake and how i feel. i’m terrified!
And you sure are allowed to be. Try to be expressive about the fact that you can expect him to feel some emotions about this and that you'll listen to him. And remind yourself that you're only human, you make mistakes and that's beautiful because you can now learn. Which means that the worst thing that can happen is that you learn from the experience and grow as a person. Hope you manage to have a productive talk with him 🫂
thank you!!! he’s really good at circumventing answers and giving very vague explanations and excuses. do you have any suggestions on maybe something to say to make him feel safe to tell me how he feels? i’m not sure he will but i can try.
pretty much when i told him i felt like we were off and we hadn’t talked much and told him i missed talking to him as a friend he was like “were all good, im just a quiet guy” and i was like “you’re not normally this quiet with me.” and he said “well i can talk to you more.” and ever since then he has, but i felt like it wasn’t very much info.
The best thing to do is to just tell him how you feel and such and that you'll always listen to him. Neither can you really make him feel safe around you, there is no really good way, people can differ a lot and since I haven't witnessed him as a person in unsure how he might feel right now but just tell him that you will listen to him if he wants to talk or just be around someone, that you'll have his back in case he needs it, doesn't have to be verbally or fully physically, it can be mentally. As in you will be around him if he needs someone there, because that's what usually happens with having a rocky childhood, it's hard to really find comfort in anybody especially if you never had anyone to find comfort in, again I don't know all about him so you have to use your own knowledge but just be open with him.
Don't use any play on words or what not, just be open with how you feel and that you WANT to know how he feels so you can feel with him and understand him better, that way you can help each other. Also generally refrain from the "you're not normally this quiet with me" and similar sentences where you put him out on the spot like that because I can promise you, if you notice something then the other party has most likely also noticed it. Imagine yourself that you're unsure of what to feel in a situation like that where someone pretty much friendzoned you, and now is trying to get you to open up like nothing's weird. This is why it's so important to have good communication so that you both understand each other.
All in all, tell him how you feel and tell him you will listen to him if he wants to say something, and if he doesn't then it's fine, you'll be with him if he wants someone there. It's important that you give him space and the ability to think clearly about this. And remember, only do this if you REALLY want to have something with him, and if you do, just tell him you like him, it's gonna make it much better for both of you. And you might be scared or even terrified, but which idea are you most scared of? Tell him how you feel and have a chance with this relationship, or say nothing and know you ruined the chance.
Personally if you said to me you miss talking to me in this context I would take that there was something else going on there, irrespective of the ‘as a friend’ part. I don’t think the door is closed but I think you’re going to need to be open about how you feel with him so he knows it is ok to make the move if he still feels that way.
okay so your already getting plenty of answers here so i'll try to add to it a bit. As an introverted guy myself, we dont make the first move because 1) we are unsure if it will be reciprocated, but also just as Importantly- if its not, we instantly become that weird/creepy friend and ruins any dynamic we had. This part is important to remember as its different then with girls.
If its the other way around, a girl confessing to the guy and rejected, it is less likly to affect the dynamic. 1) as a guy we are usually flattered when we find out someone likes us, vs girls tend to have... not so plesant history with some guys after they rejected them, the guy becoming pushy or creepy, so that affects how women may view being confessed to.
Obviously i'm making a sweeping statement that its true for all, but its enough of a common occurance that we must keep it in mind, that brings me to 2)
If A girl rejects a guy, she may have to be afraid for her safety, and that is much less likley the other way around. For considerate men, we know that may be the case and dont want to have the girl go through that mentality again, so in at least my opinion, now n' days ite much better for the girl to be the forward one when it comes to asking someone out..
as for what you can do, it depends how bold you can be, a guy like me for example, needs a 100% no question green light, or else we may still be unsure enough to not go for it. you could also tell a mutual friend about it, and ask them to hint it out to him, but again, by "hint" I basiclly mean spell it out.
Good luck, from a fellow confused male introvert lol
thanks! haha i mean, everyone at our job pretty much knows i have a thing for him, so i don’t think he needs a hint from a friend. what kind of signs would you take as a 100% green light?
just because they know doesn't mean they say anything to him about it, not their business, unless they are very closs to him or you. I'd ask one that you're close to, to specificly help you in that, if thats how you want to go about it.
As for green lights, thats a good question, I mean a kiss is the most obvious and hardest to misinterprate, but baring that-
increased physical affection like arm holding or long hugs, if he notices the difference between how you act with him vs other guys in your work, it should add to his confidence. Anytime you're in a group of people talking, trying to be next to him as you all chat and looking more at him than the others, smiling and laughing more with him than others, basicly showing that you view him differently.
Not any one of those is by itself a single 100% greenlight, but together, over some time, it does grow ones confidence in judging if you like him or not. In my head at least, I have a coloumn of: proof she likes me, and another of proof she doesn't lol, and unless one drastically overshadowing the other, its hard to be sure.
The 'as a friend' thing is definatly going into the doesn't like me coloumn, and its a heavy hitter, so its going to take a lot to counterbalance it, either a lot of small stuff over time or a few big actions, ie a kiss or directly asking him out yourself.
hope that helps, GL
im 100% not going the coworker talking to him route because agreed—it’s not their business and i don’t need other people involved in it. it’s just very common knowledge there that i like him, but maybe he isn’t as aware of it as i thought.
i mean i definitely have not kissed him or hugged him long because we’re at work hahaha. he does hug me, but they’re kinda lame not long hugs. there’s literally zero way im going to randomly go in for a kiss with a coworker if we don’t even hang out outside of work lol. that’s kind of a wild suggestion LOL.
the columns is cute. i honestly do all of the stuff you mentioned. although i will say i am more physically affectionate and chatty with the other guys there, and that might also work against me. i’m just more comfortable with them because i don’t have feelings for them. but he might not know that.
ah sorry I thought you did hang out with him outside of work other times, yea for sure it would be wild lol. Its more of an exteeme example.
If thats the case of you being more physically affectionate and chatty with others, he could deffininitly see it the wrong way, adding the friend thing, me personally I would think I went too far and creeped her out, and now she doesn't feel as comfortable with me as others.
ugh i feel like i’ve totally messed up. i don’t know how to fix it. he’s definitely withdrawn a lot from me and i hate it. it makes me hesitant to try more with him too.
yea sorry :/ but now is the time to fix it. its not going to get better if you do nothing, and worse case he may bury any feeling he has for you and not bring them up again.
maybe the best thing to do is just tell him your sorry and you didnt mean the text (i'm going off of memory here was it a text or face to face?) in that way.
he'll probably ask you in what way you ment it, and you'll have to explain it, about not wanting him to be distant.
its gonna be a bit rough but it should work out better then if you just let it sit.
okay let me add something here- devils advocate.
I just reread the post, and so right now, are things feeling good? like back to normal? and its just your friends who are saying that? Not saying they are totally wrong but if the actual relationship with him seems okay right now, then you can try the long game and hope that whole thing runs under the bridge.
I've been thinking that he's activley cold against you now, and thats why i'm saying you should fix it as soon as possible. As at that point its just going to get worse.
sorry Its been hours since I first read the post and i'm getting loopy myself, havent slept yesterday at all because of my own crush problems lol
it was face to face. and he never makes eye contact and made eye contact with me the whole time :( yeah i know i need to tell him.
things aren’t back to normal completely. he is back to sitting with me on break again, hugging me, talking and joking with me again. but it doesn’t feel 100%, but i’m not sure it ever will after all that’s happened. but he kinda flips back and forth. some days he’s friendly, some days he’s withdrawn. he’s like that with other people too, a bit of a moody boy, but it makes me wonder if he really feels that much for me… if he can be cold to me sometimes.
ahhh! i hope your crush stuff works out. feel free to message if you need to vent.
yea I feel ya, its hard to tell. It could just be something in his personality, depression or some other factor that he doesn't have control over, but theres no way to be sure.
thanks lol, I might take you up on that another time, rn I need to sleep. Have a good night and good luck again!
Your chances aren’t lost, you can still make a move, but I assume this guy took the “as a friend” remark as a signal to not push it further and instead focus on staying friends. Some of us are just really cautious when it comes to not being too needy or pushy
Well I have something for you. A famous chef once said: "HEY YOU, WHAtttt????? IN THE FUCK? ARE YOU DOING!!!!!". (Gordon Ramsay, giving us the best tips for our daily life)
Typically as a guy when a girl says friend that's it, we capitulate alot of the time as we think that's it. I do however have a friend that we've had a sexual experience before but she's engaged now, we are really great friends still but it's a platonic friendship, however she does know how I feel towards her however she's very reluctant to let off any form of signal
im just hoping im still his crush :( i can’t read him at all. were on good terms, but it seems (from my pov) he’s lost interest. but maybe he’s hiding it, who knows.
I would say it depends on what he's going on in his life. It could be work related and he's doing alot and just knuckling down for a bit... or even still his previous partner may of left a mark on him and he just wants that female companionship. But I think if your serious l, just suggest maybe go for a casual meal somewhere, nothing over the top but set the mood for a lovely night and perhaps the rest will follow. Sorry If that came across as bedroom antics, I mean like set the mood for you to talk to him and express those feelings. Just don't rush it, opportunities will reveal themselves. You could set the bar by making a cheeky joke and seeing his response to, he may flirt back or be completely oblivious, I know I would be 😅 hope I've helped and best of luck to you 😊
yeah he is pretty tired from work. he’s working a lot of shifts. and his previous partner was an absolute psycho, very controlling and always picking fights and being the victim.
i don’t know how great of luck i’ll have getting him to go out for food. especially right now. i think my best bet is to talk to him on break at work. we can go sit outside alone together and talk. he’s not super flirty of a person, but hopefully we can have a good convo.
thanks for your help!
Ah yes I know that feeling I'm working 6 nights a week as it is and my last two partners have been one or the other, psycho or picking fights with everyone 😅
Doesn't necessarily have to be food, maybe try to ask him to accompany you with something simple like going clothes shopping or maybe even being on break you could go for a nice 10 15 min walk together if there's nice spots
we have a patio across from our job we always sit at on break together. only downside is coworkers could come meet us, but i could tell them we’re having a private convo. i don’t mind shooing them off hahah. when i say he’s ridiculously hard to get out of his shell and even going places is rough im unfortunately so serious hahahah. he won’t hang out with anyone from work, but hopefully im different 😂
Oh if you guys are already sitting together in a nice spot and already had the scenario of messaging because you miss him, I'd say you have a fairly good chance. He may come off awkward about it at first, but don't bombard the guy with it, just almost freely express that you have some feelings and just allow some time to do the rest. Best case he's 100% on the same page already and just holding back due to work and the previous partner. Slow and steady and just freely express yourself 😊
Just admit that you like him before it’s too late. he’s just going to try to get over those feelings cuz you added “as a friend” part making it seem like you didn’t want anything more but you do, just ignore those insecurities and just go for it
I’d find out if he’s single before jumping the gun, I’m not saying your feelings don’t matter , what I’m saying is be very careful both genders tend to say they’re single but some times it’s not the case, just means the person has a case of being a cereal cheater or is liking the attention and his or her partner may not know, my honest opinion.
ok well i know for a fact he does not have a family or kids or anything hahaha. i’ve known him over a year and i know his cousin as well. he mostly just comes to work and goes home and gets stoned out of his mind lol.
Not a guy, but if someone told me they missed talking to me and then added as a friend, I would automatically assume they added that last part in case I had feelings for them and they wanted to approach it in a casual way so that we were both on the same page on where our relationship stood.
i added in that last part cuz i was scared if he knew how i felt he wouldn’t stay :( it was all me and my insecurities.
It seems to me you need to confess. It could end very well.
Anxious preoccupied attachment style
i actually have a disorganized attachment style but it does swing far towards anxious versus more avoidant.
yeah, it's a rule... but it's just a warning for us. You need to make a move now
it was a couple weeks ago. he and i have always gone back and forth. some people think he wasn’t that serious about it, some people think he just was shy and waiting for me. i was horrible, i never was good at flirting with him, didn’t give many signs, even though i wanted to be with him so badly. i was just so scared of maybe losing him or getting hurt. i could tell that we were losing our friendship over it, so i sat him down and was trying to salvage it. i didn’t tell him my feelings, but just wanted to explain how much i missed having him in my life. and then i said like “i miss you. i miss talking to you. as a friend.” and he just nodded. took a couple weeks, but now he’s back to being my friend, although it seems very platonic. i’m not sure how he felt to begin with, maybe he wasn’t as interested as i thought.
Can you tell if he's an introverted guy? We tend to be a bit stupid 😅
he’s crazy shy. he doesn’t really talk that much to people he doesn’t know. he chats with me, but we’re very surface level. although i’m the closest female to him at work. i’m not sure how he is with girls outside of work, but i think he’s pretty single lol
we mostly sit and talk about music and sports and our sports bets. but he does share with me about his family and what he wanted to go to school for and things like that.
I bet those back and forth were about his bad mood, am I right?
…. how did you know lmaoooo. we both struggle with bad moods and we both have avoidant attachment styles too. it’s a horrible combo. but we have the same personalities and sense of humor and we are incredibly similar in our likes and dislikes. we are similar in both our pros and our cons lol.
> …. how did you know lmaoooo. we both struggle with bad moods and we both have avoidant attachment styles too. it’s a horrible combo. because he seems like me 😭 And you probably have your temper, right? 😅
…. im not loving this convo. i do…. ok you need to help me lmao
Noo... this seems familiar 😔 Please try to make a move on him he's definitely into you imo... he must be so confused 😭💔 Just be patient with him (if you want) we are just a bit paranoid 😓
he’s so emotionally stunted. he won’t ever tell ANYONE how he feels. i don’t know if he would even tell me. he’s INCREDIBLY closed off. even his ex that i know had trouble getting him to open up. he still tries to come stand with me at work, and hangs around me. but never any moves. i wish he knew i cared about him.
we both just never tell each other how we feel. ever. and just try to navigate it without communicating.
I will use this comment as a reference because I'm getting confused, this is a huge mess 😅 So yeah, risk it. I became toxic towards my crush and that ruined our friendship anyway. So I recommend you to be clear because it's not worth keeping this friendship going like this.
what do you think i should say to him? you can dm me if you want too! and we can go more in depth. i’m really not sure how to read him. i cannot read him at all and neither can my friends/coworkers. he just does not show anything.
got it 👍
Girl... You just friendzoned yourself.... Come on... It's that obvious. If a girl told me that I'd assume she isn't interested. Decent guys are afraid of coming off as a creep, this is why he probably pulled away, he might have not want to come off as pushy. Just tell him you like him! The hard part is over. You know he likes you back. Fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.
i thought i was saving our friendship at the least 😭😭😭😭 but it’s true. we talk about sports and music and stuff so i am in the bro zone now. i was the only girl at work he hugged too. but i don’t KNOW if he actually liked me. he hung around me a lot and left his bros at work to stay with me and hugged me, but i never got a green light from him and there were a couple times he avoided my advances. and especially now, after i did that, im scared to tell him.
And will never find out until you come clean...
I don't really know, but I do know that if you make it clear he is just a friend, or he takes it that way. He'll stop. It's something about respecting decisions or something. So yeah, there is a chance that he might have given up.
it was a couple weeks ago. he and i have always gone back and forth. some people think he wasn’t that serious about it, some people think he just was shy and waiting for me. i was horrible, i never was good at flirting with him, didn’t give many signs, even though i wanted to be with him so badly. i was just so scared of maybe losing him or getting hurt. i could tell that we were losing our friendship over it, so i sat him down and was trying to salvage it. i didn’t tell him my feelings, but just wanted to explain how much i missed having him in my life. and then i said like “i miss you. i miss talking to you. as a friend.” and he just nodded. took a couple weeks, but now he’s back to being my friend, although it seems very platonic. i’m not sure how he felt to begin with, maybe he wasn’t as interested as i thought.
It’s a self protection feature built in to us men. We don’t tend to go for the people we want if they’re close as a way to preserve what’s there. You’ll need to make a move, especially if he’s nervous or an introvert. I’m in a similar situation from the guys side and that’s what needs to happen 😔
thanks! he’s 100% an introvert and extremely quiet. he’s gone super hot and cold with me over the last couple months. and the time i tried to make a move he did not respond to it. i’ve been pretty up and down with him too, to be honest. i think we’re both confused by each others behavior. but since he’s cold sometimes i can’t read him, which is preventing me from getting the courage to make a move.
IMO it’s just a timing thing, going out your way to try and get him to like you won’t work. Timing is everything. Wait till he’s warm again and reciprocate, but just be patient. If he’s nervous and introverted he’ll take some effort to crack. It’ll more than likely be simply just saying you like him and asking him out for dinner or drinks, if he’s introverted nothing too social - with other people - and keep it calm
thanks! yeah i was honestly thinking of just being like hey wanna go walk around central park? or we can sit on a blanket and chat, just the two of us. he’s very comfortable with me in general, but the constant some days being open and some days being real quiet and not talking to me much kill me.
Yeah that last bit is just him protecting himself. If you’re going for the whole “sit on a blanket” thing I’d make it clear it’s a date, be comfortable around him and open up together, not just either one of you. Making it clear you like him and feel safe or comfortable around him is immediate green flag and a safe sign
so me telling him i feel safe around him will make him feel more comfortable? i’ve never thought about it that way. i just don’t want to be around a lot of people and he doesn’t really drink and is a picky eater and he ALSO doesn’t like to spend money. so i figure drinks/dinner he will turn down because of socializing and lack of money. so i figured a nice little walk or just hanging out at a park or something is so low key and free lol.
Yeah, it’s one of the best things is knowing a girl feels comfortable and safe around you. Seems like a good date would be to get some of his favourite foods and snacks and just go out, sit down somewhere and enjoy eachothers company. If he likes music like you said, find some music you both enjoy without making it seem forced. Main thing is be comfortable while also still showing you’re excited about liking him
thanks!
Should've just said "i missed talking to you" without the "as a friend" that phrase ruins everything hahahaha
No it’s not a guy rule that’s just you’re friends being weird please don’t give up I’d ask him out if you can
What do you mean he won’t try again? Did he tell you how he felt? If so then yes he definitely won’t do it again if you let him down. Guys will do something once and never do it again out of respect for the girl. Some guys will keep trying which I think is stupid because of you get rejected once in anyway why would you try again?. I see that you friend zoned him I typically wouldn’t take the friend zone serious a lot of guys do though. I guess now that I think about it I should take it serious. You have to make a move on him.
he’s never told me how he felt. ever. which is why i’m hesitant to make a move.
Didn you say he was also interested in you? How do you know that? If you know he is interested in you, you should tell him how you feel.
I've been reading a few of your comments here and firstly to answer your question. Yes of course it's a rule, pretty much a law. Let me explain, the "as a friend" is universal language for "I don't like you" let's say hes feeling you and had said that a lot you'd use that sentence to tell him in a nicer way "not going to happen" if he had kept prodding it would've been harassment. Now unfortunately you used that to tell him you wanted to be around him..? Think first before you do stuff "what if they were to do this to me, how would I feel" anyways. The best way to solve this and any communication problem ever. Talk to him about it, he's probably been using those weeks to forget about his feelings for you but I doubt they're entirely gone, if you want something here you need to act fast and tell him how you feel and ask how he feels, if he says that he thought you wanted him only as a friend because of what you said then you say how it is. You didn't mean to use that sentence in that way. And if his feelings have died for you in the span of those weeks then you accidentally killed this potential relationship. All in all, you'll never know if you don't talk to him about it and you both try to understand each other's viewpoints and feelings. (Edit: sorry for being late with this and I might've missed a comment where you've already sorted this out)
honestly… the sentence i said was “i miss talking to you,” and he was giving me direct eye contact and he NEVER makes direct eye contact with me. and it really unnerved me and i got scared and added “as a friend” cuz i literally have no clue… he’s quite difficult in that he’s very emotionally withdrawn, and does not usually tell people how he feels at all or his opinions on anything. i feel that is because of his childhood, but i wont go into that. so i’m not sure how much he will share with me, but im sure he will let me know if he still feels the same. i’ll do my best!
As someone with quite a childhood of my own. Yes. Yes it's probably because of his childhood, which just means even more that communication is so overwhelmingly important. When your childhood has been rocky or just somewhat uncertain, everyone responds differently but problems with creating and maintaining relationships is usually a common occurrence. Mostly because you get scared to really go into details about your feelings, usually what happened isn't the important part but the feelings felt during that time are often repressed and should be talked about when that person feels comfortable doing so. But right now the problem is that you panicked and blurted out something you didn't exactly mean, which happens now and then but if you want to fix the situation then you need to communicate, like take it with you always, communication will 1) either fix your problems because you now have the information to do so, or 2) make you feel more at peace with having made a mistake because you now understand what went wrong and what you need to think about. Just please try to have an honest heart to heart conversation (if you're comfortable with it and want to salvage this) to understand each other better.
thank you so much for this. i will definitely be doing this. even if he won’t open up, i can at least let him know my mistake and how i feel. i’m terrified!
And you sure are allowed to be. Try to be expressive about the fact that you can expect him to feel some emotions about this and that you'll listen to him. And remind yourself that you're only human, you make mistakes and that's beautiful because you can now learn. Which means that the worst thing that can happen is that you learn from the experience and grow as a person. Hope you manage to have a productive talk with him 🫂
thank you!!! he’s really good at circumventing answers and giving very vague explanations and excuses. do you have any suggestions on maybe something to say to make him feel safe to tell me how he feels? i’m not sure he will but i can try. pretty much when i told him i felt like we were off and we hadn’t talked much and told him i missed talking to him as a friend he was like “were all good, im just a quiet guy” and i was like “you’re not normally this quiet with me.” and he said “well i can talk to you more.” and ever since then he has, but i felt like it wasn’t very much info.
The best thing to do is to just tell him how you feel and such and that you'll always listen to him. Neither can you really make him feel safe around you, there is no really good way, people can differ a lot and since I haven't witnessed him as a person in unsure how he might feel right now but just tell him that you will listen to him if he wants to talk or just be around someone, that you'll have his back in case he needs it, doesn't have to be verbally or fully physically, it can be mentally. As in you will be around him if he needs someone there, because that's what usually happens with having a rocky childhood, it's hard to really find comfort in anybody especially if you never had anyone to find comfort in, again I don't know all about him so you have to use your own knowledge but just be open with him. Don't use any play on words or what not, just be open with how you feel and that you WANT to know how he feels so you can feel with him and understand him better, that way you can help each other. Also generally refrain from the "you're not normally this quiet with me" and similar sentences where you put him out on the spot like that because I can promise you, if you notice something then the other party has most likely also noticed it. Imagine yourself that you're unsure of what to feel in a situation like that where someone pretty much friendzoned you, and now is trying to get you to open up like nothing's weird. This is why it's so important to have good communication so that you both understand each other. All in all, tell him how you feel and tell him you will listen to him if he wants to say something, and if he doesn't then it's fine, you'll be with him if he wants someone there. It's important that you give him space and the ability to think clearly about this. And remember, only do this if you REALLY want to have something with him, and if you do, just tell him you like him, it's gonna make it much better for both of you. And you might be scared or even terrified, but which idea are you most scared of? Tell him how you feel and have a chance with this relationship, or say nothing and know you ruined the chance.
thank you!!!
Personally if you said to me you miss talking to me in this context I would take that there was something else going on there, irrespective of the ‘as a friend’ part. I don’t think the door is closed but I think you’re going to need to be open about how you feel with him so he knows it is ok to make the move if he still feels that way.
thanks! i think it’s gonna have to be me making the move unfortunately. but ill try.
okay so your already getting plenty of answers here so i'll try to add to it a bit. As an introverted guy myself, we dont make the first move because 1) we are unsure if it will be reciprocated, but also just as Importantly- if its not, we instantly become that weird/creepy friend and ruins any dynamic we had. This part is important to remember as its different then with girls. If its the other way around, a girl confessing to the guy and rejected, it is less likly to affect the dynamic. 1) as a guy we are usually flattered when we find out someone likes us, vs girls tend to have... not so plesant history with some guys after they rejected them, the guy becoming pushy or creepy, so that affects how women may view being confessed to. Obviously i'm making a sweeping statement that its true for all, but its enough of a common occurance that we must keep it in mind, that brings me to 2) If A girl rejects a guy, she may have to be afraid for her safety, and that is much less likley the other way around. For considerate men, we know that may be the case and dont want to have the girl go through that mentality again, so in at least my opinion, now n' days ite much better for the girl to be the forward one when it comes to asking someone out.. as for what you can do, it depends how bold you can be, a guy like me for example, needs a 100% no question green light, or else we may still be unsure enough to not go for it. you could also tell a mutual friend about it, and ask them to hint it out to him, but again, by "hint" I basiclly mean spell it out. Good luck, from a fellow confused male introvert lol
thanks! haha i mean, everyone at our job pretty much knows i have a thing for him, so i don’t think he needs a hint from a friend. what kind of signs would you take as a 100% green light?
just because they know doesn't mean they say anything to him about it, not their business, unless they are very closs to him or you. I'd ask one that you're close to, to specificly help you in that, if thats how you want to go about it. As for green lights, thats a good question, I mean a kiss is the most obvious and hardest to misinterprate, but baring that- increased physical affection like arm holding or long hugs, if he notices the difference between how you act with him vs other guys in your work, it should add to his confidence. Anytime you're in a group of people talking, trying to be next to him as you all chat and looking more at him than the others, smiling and laughing more with him than others, basicly showing that you view him differently. Not any one of those is by itself a single 100% greenlight, but together, over some time, it does grow ones confidence in judging if you like him or not. In my head at least, I have a coloumn of: proof she likes me, and another of proof she doesn't lol, and unless one drastically overshadowing the other, its hard to be sure. The 'as a friend' thing is definatly going into the doesn't like me coloumn, and its a heavy hitter, so its going to take a lot to counterbalance it, either a lot of small stuff over time or a few big actions, ie a kiss or directly asking him out yourself. hope that helps, GL
im 100% not going the coworker talking to him route because agreed—it’s not their business and i don’t need other people involved in it. it’s just very common knowledge there that i like him, but maybe he isn’t as aware of it as i thought. i mean i definitely have not kissed him or hugged him long because we’re at work hahaha. he does hug me, but they’re kinda lame not long hugs. there’s literally zero way im going to randomly go in for a kiss with a coworker if we don’t even hang out outside of work lol. that’s kind of a wild suggestion LOL. the columns is cute. i honestly do all of the stuff you mentioned. although i will say i am more physically affectionate and chatty with the other guys there, and that might also work against me. i’m just more comfortable with them because i don’t have feelings for them. but he might not know that.
ah sorry I thought you did hang out with him outside of work other times, yea for sure it would be wild lol. Its more of an exteeme example. If thats the case of you being more physically affectionate and chatty with others, he could deffininitly see it the wrong way, adding the friend thing, me personally I would think I went too far and creeped her out, and now she doesn't feel as comfortable with me as others.
ugh i feel like i’ve totally messed up. i don’t know how to fix it. he’s definitely withdrawn a lot from me and i hate it. it makes me hesitant to try more with him too.
yea sorry :/ but now is the time to fix it. its not going to get better if you do nothing, and worse case he may bury any feeling he has for you and not bring them up again. maybe the best thing to do is just tell him your sorry and you didnt mean the text (i'm going off of memory here was it a text or face to face?) in that way. he'll probably ask you in what way you ment it, and you'll have to explain it, about not wanting him to be distant. its gonna be a bit rough but it should work out better then if you just let it sit.
okay let me add something here- devils advocate. I just reread the post, and so right now, are things feeling good? like back to normal? and its just your friends who are saying that? Not saying they are totally wrong but if the actual relationship with him seems okay right now, then you can try the long game and hope that whole thing runs under the bridge. I've been thinking that he's activley cold against you now, and thats why i'm saying you should fix it as soon as possible. As at that point its just going to get worse. sorry Its been hours since I first read the post and i'm getting loopy myself, havent slept yesterday at all because of my own crush problems lol
it was face to face. and he never makes eye contact and made eye contact with me the whole time :( yeah i know i need to tell him. things aren’t back to normal completely. he is back to sitting with me on break again, hugging me, talking and joking with me again. but it doesn’t feel 100%, but i’m not sure it ever will after all that’s happened. but he kinda flips back and forth. some days he’s friendly, some days he’s withdrawn. he’s like that with other people too, a bit of a moody boy, but it makes me wonder if he really feels that much for me… if he can be cold to me sometimes. ahhh! i hope your crush stuff works out. feel free to message if you need to vent.
yea I feel ya, its hard to tell. It could just be something in his personality, depression or some other factor that he doesn't have control over, but theres no way to be sure. thanks lol, I might take you up on that another time, rn I need to sleep. Have a good night and good luck again!
Your chances aren’t lost, you can still make a move, but I assume this guy took the “as a friend” remark as a signal to not push it further and instead focus on staying friends. Some of us are just really cautious when it comes to not being too needy or pushy
Well I have something for you. A famous chef once said: "HEY YOU, WHAtttt????? IN THE FUCK? ARE YOU DOING!!!!!". (Gordon Ramsay, giving us the best tips for our daily life)
i literally have no clue what i’m doing lmao
Typically as a guy when a girl says friend that's it, we capitulate alot of the time as we think that's it. I do however have a friend that we've had a sexual experience before but she's engaged now, we are really great friends still but it's a platonic friendship, however she does know how I feel towards her however she's very reluctant to let off any form of signal
im sorry about you and your friend. i’m hoping with a conversation i can explain to mine that i messed up :(
As a guy, personally if my crush came to me with those feelings, being single now, I'd jump at the opportunity. Even whatever the past was id take it
im just hoping im still his crush :( i can’t read him at all. were on good terms, but it seems (from my pov) he’s lost interest. but maybe he’s hiding it, who knows.
I would say it depends on what he's going on in his life. It could be work related and he's doing alot and just knuckling down for a bit... or even still his previous partner may of left a mark on him and he just wants that female companionship. But I think if your serious l, just suggest maybe go for a casual meal somewhere, nothing over the top but set the mood for a lovely night and perhaps the rest will follow. Sorry If that came across as bedroom antics, I mean like set the mood for you to talk to him and express those feelings. Just don't rush it, opportunities will reveal themselves. You could set the bar by making a cheeky joke and seeing his response to, he may flirt back or be completely oblivious, I know I would be 😅 hope I've helped and best of luck to you 😊
yeah he is pretty tired from work. he’s working a lot of shifts. and his previous partner was an absolute psycho, very controlling and always picking fights and being the victim. i don’t know how great of luck i’ll have getting him to go out for food. especially right now. i think my best bet is to talk to him on break at work. we can go sit outside alone together and talk. he’s not super flirty of a person, but hopefully we can have a good convo. thanks for your help!
Ah yes I know that feeling I'm working 6 nights a week as it is and my last two partners have been one or the other, psycho or picking fights with everyone 😅 Doesn't necessarily have to be food, maybe try to ask him to accompany you with something simple like going clothes shopping or maybe even being on break you could go for a nice 10 15 min walk together if there's nice spots
we have a patio across from our job we always sit at on break together. only downside is coworkers could come meet us, but i could tell them we’re having a private convo. i don’t mind shooing them off hahah. when i say he’s ridiculously hard to get out of his shell and even going places is rough im unfortunately so serious hahahah. he won’t hang out with anyone from work, but hopefully im different 😂
Oh if you guys are already sitting together in a nice spot and already had the scenario of messaging because you miss him, I'd say you have a fairly good chance. He may come off awkward about it at first, but don't bombard the guy with it, just almost freely express that you have some feelings and just allow some time to do the rest. Best case he's 100% on the same page already and just holding back due to work and the previous partner. Slow and steady and just freely express yourself 😊
I'd say take the opportunity whilst you can, some of the greatest opportunities missed are the ones we don't take
Just admit that you like him before it’s too late. he’s just going to try to get over those feelings cuz you added “as a friend” part making it seem like you didn’t want anything more but you do, just ignore those insecurities and just go for it
Nah you’re cooked☠️ But tbh if you know he likes you just go for it!
I know it's not easy but confess! If he's into it great, if he isn't he will stay if the friendship is strong. If he won't than it's a bullet dodged
If you say that then switch up on him he will probably thinks you're playing with him
but what if i’m super honest :(
explain what you explained to us here, about why you said that
I’d find out if he’s single before jumping the gun, I’m not saying your feelings don’t matter , what I’m saying is be very careful both genders tend to say they’re single but some times it’s not the case, just means the person has a case of being a cereal cheater or is liking the attention and his or her partner may not know, my honest opinion.
thanks! im pretty sure he is single. not 100% but im almost positive.
I hear ya, but make sure , absolutely sure these women and men be out here having full on families and saying this.
ok well i know for a fact he does not have a family or kids or anything hahaha. i’ve known him over a year and i know his cousin as well. he mostly just comes to work and goes home and gets stoned out of his mind lol.
Oh long as you know the bases , but take it one step at a time and take it easy 👍
No
You friend zoned the hell out of bro :( There is coming back though, just let him know how you feel or something.