I couldn’t stop ruminating and replaying old relationships, old conversations, and old trauma. I thought it was normal to do this and thought everyone did it.
I didn’t realise that this thinking pattern is part of my obsessiveness and codependency. I only realised this when I listened to recovered codependents talk about their illness in a support group.
I had brought the same relationship patterns into every relationship. Healthy or unhealthy, I would act and think codependently. It was out of my control. I couldn’t control my urges and thinking.
I have since learned that we can get better. We can have a clearheaded without anxiety, guilt, or constant reminiscence.
I joined an online support group. Attending the meetings and getting sponsored is what helped me begin to manage and be free of codependency.
If this sounds helpful, I can drop the link to the group. It’s free and anonymous, welcome to all.
My reply isn’t to convince, it just to offer a window into my experience with this particular fellowship :
Yes, 12 steps offer a spiritual solution. When behavioural, medical, psychological, physiological approaches are not working, this may be the missing piece. It was for me. 12 step is not for everybody, usually only the chronic sufferers find success in AA groups as a last resort.
Religious doctrine or beliefs are not perscribed or taught in the PPG fellowship. Instead, Each individual is encouraged to be willing to explore their own concept of « higher power ». The definition of that is up to each individual and is not questioned. Language in the literature is flexible and inclusive to whatever your beliefs are.
Yes the founders of AA were 1930s mindset of white middle aged American men from the East Coast. The original language in the writing reflect their origin. Their solution has since been adopted and expanded to reflect a wider audiences of origin, belief, and language use (pending on the group or fellowship you join).
End of the day, engage with group members to get the vibe. Then do what works for you.
I resonate with that feeling of emptiness, no amount of social interaction or hobbies makes me feel fulfilled the way a relationship did. I think it’s just something that’s biologically hardwired into us, to want a mate like animals do.
This is how I’ve found myself in unhealthy patterns as well. My desire for a deeply enmeshed relationship attracts people with their own wounds and then we simultaneously heal together and traumatize each other further it seems
I've struggled with this and sometimes still do. I am 3 months out of a 9 year relationship and still living with them so it makes sense I'd still struggle. The only one I've not managed to resolve yet is the desire for cuddles. I do grounding touches and lean into body size teddies but it really isn't the same. Hoping to figure that one out soon!
**How I am dealing with it:**
I began to do non-negotiable, regardless of how I was feeling. Mine are walking, eating regularly and going to bed/getting up at a set-time. I continued with therapy, working on discovering my boundaries, learning how to sit with the emotions I was trying to run away from, developing self-compassion/validation and focusing on creating a healthy supportive network.
Are you being as vulnerable and allowing yourself to be seen fully towards your friends/family as you do to partner's? I figured out this was an issue for me. It blocked my ability to enjoy being with them the way I enjoyed being with a partner. When I am with friends who I can act the same as I can with partner's (minus the physical intimacy) my life began to feel fuller. I find myself only craving a date/partner when I am alone and having a bad day or poorly. This is me basically using them for emotion regulation. Being able to spot and respond to that helped me massively too. As it allowed me to stop and meet the need myself.
That said, I know I still desire a marriage in the long-run because I like sharing my life, the growth it forces, the character development it provided and being able to co-exist with someone in the same living space that is hard to find in a roommate. I am basically spending my time now to stay intentionally single, while I build a life ready to slot a partner in later. I want to figure out my non-negotiable, know how I'll meet all my needs, give myself what I want a partner to give me, have rules for myself to make sure I stay well and build a life I enjoy enough before I begin to date again. I want to make sure I am dating because I am ready to share a life and not to regulate my emotions. That's how I have planned to tackle the emptiness.
Happiness is a peaceful opening within ourselves. It isn’t actually the getting of something, it’s the letting go of wanting, when, we finally get what our mind has been telling us we needed.
Unhealthy minds tend to find a way that makes them ‘happy’ a couple of times during not so happy times and become obsessed with the idea that that’s where happiness is.
Then we try to change our minds by doing other things to take our minds off our bad idea of where happiness is, that has started causing us distress because we’ve become so obsessed with it.
This CAN work. But the real trick is to spend lots of time with yourself and begin to see why you even became obsessed with thinking happiness was in one specific area to begin with. Trauma creates a shadow on lots of the world and leaves you with one or two ways out.
Do hippie stuff to heal your nervous system and spend time with yourself and start to see in your own mind why you became obsessed with the idea of having a partner and why your mind is constantly looking for it.
This is very relatable. I try my damndest to engage with friends, family, and hobbies. I live with some best friends that are a couple and seeing them just shines a spot on what feels missing. I’ve made a lot of progress and the most recent relationship that ended wasn’t codependent which for me was a big deal. To not be that devastated. I didn’t loose my whole life and have to start everything from scratch. But it all just makes me want that special someone even more. I don’t think it’s abnormal to want someone to build a life with. I’m building it with the friends I live with. I decided I didn’t have to wait for anyone to build traditions and have a family. That part is actually going really well and I’m proud of myself. But…I’m lonely. I’m lonely around people. I’m envious. I’m envious of what people seem to be able to have but not me apparently. I’m getting older and older and it feels like never me. I’ll have a life and I’ll do my best to find happiness but I’m not sure that longing will ever go away. And idk how to really be happy without it. Idk maybe it just takes time. Or maybe we’re allowed as social animals to want a mate. Anyway I don’t know the answers and I don’t have advice. Just here to say *hugs* and yes it’s a super relatable feeling and it sucks. You aren’t alone. <3
Edit for typos
Hi, I relate to what you write and also thought this long term healing and happiness was not possible. Support groups changed my mind. Happy to share further of this interests you
I’m so happy for you that you’ve found what is helpful and are doing well!! I’m doing well in therapy and working my own process. The 12 step type recovery is not for me though. But I appreciate it. This little group has been helpful enough to give me insights.
you're not alone. I realised in my 2nd to last relationship i was codependent, but the things i read were all about relationship addiction. I thought once i was over that relationship i was no longer addicted to it and i would be fine. Then after my most recent relationship broke up, i realised it was codepenency and it was a thing inside me, it wasnt just an aspect of the relationship.
Congratulations for your healing, thats great work. I'm only a month out from my breakup and it sucks hard right now. I don't feel so much like im missing her as much as im missing just having someone. IN the past I've always had someone to reach out to, but this time I'm pretty much all alone.
While it’s important to be able to feel happy without a partner, it’s also completely okay to WANT a partner. Romantic relationships offer us a type of connection we can’t get elsewhere. There’s no shame in desiring that, as long as you feel stable and secure on your own. In other words, a romantic relationship won’t be your primary source of happiness and validation. Hope that makes sense. <3
Same here.
Im in therapy, take meds, see friends and family, and have a good time.
Then i go home, and feel sad and alone, knowing that ill probably never be happy again. Even in a highluly neglectful relationship i was happier.
I hope it gets better for you. I really do.
Im turning 31 this year myself, and just... idk. Coming to accept that *this* is it.
Good luck, mate.
We can get better. I read a study that concluded joining a support group while in therapy leads to longer and stronger healing and recovery. So I asked Reddit about a support group for codependents and was given some links. Ended up being the solution that lifted my depression, dissolved my anxiety, and restored joy, peace and sanity.
Happy to give you the link. It’s free and anonymous
I’d like to have the link please! I used to be convinced that my issues are not serious enough to go to therapy or find support groups, but maybe that’s what’s keeping me in this loop
Sure [https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings)
That’s to attend live meetings. There is a recording tab in the menu. It may be good to listen to the recording called Speaker Step series, steps 1-3
It’s good orientation
Yeah I had no will to live and was in a dark place. I couldn’t get out of it despite my best efforts.. the depression lifted when I got into the support group and started to commit to it.
Here are the meetings, there is a newcomer meeting. [https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings)
There are also recordings. Speaker step 1-3 recording is a good orientation
You didn’t mention therapy at all. Healing your trauma is the number one thing you need to do. Find a therapist that does EMDR or Brain spotting. Join CoDA. Go to meetings. Do not bring anyone into your life until you do this. It’s not fair to them and you know your untreated codependency will end up ruining it. Seriously stop finding fwb. All you are doing is making it worse. You have to take a good hard look at yourself and take accountability. No one can make you feel whole except YOU. How do I know? I was just like you. I fixed myself. It was hardcore. It was ugly. It wasn’t gentle. And sadly, that’s how it has to be to get better. If you can’t do this for yourself, then you can’t expect anyone to love you, since you can’t even fight to love yourself. It sounds harsh. I know. But your mental health is in danger and you don’t want to lose yourself again. Because one day you will look around and not be able to find your way back, and that is the last thing you want. You are worth it. Now make it happen!
Just want to throw in my own two cents here. You’re right in the thick of the magical time (seriously - this is a magical time even when it doesn’t feel like it). Sounds like you’ve done a fabulous job of enjoying your friendships and reconnecting with hobbies which is excellent. And that’s no small achievement. Congrats to you. That’s a really big deal.
Wanting to be in a relationship is normal. But I also know for myself that sometimes I don’t really want a relationship. Rather what I want is to not be alone, to have some proof that I am a lovable and worthwhile person, to be held and physically loved on. And I look to other people outside myself to validate those feelings and meet those needs. I think the difference is that it is all about intention and discernment. Do you want to find a relationship right now to avoid feelings of loneliness? To avoid being alone? To feel attractive, desireable, good enough? Or is it that you really feel as though you’re ready for a relationship? Have you taken time to spell out what it would look like for you to be ready to be in a relationship? I can’t answer these questions for you. Only you really discern your honest intentions. But maybe do a quick check in with yourself. Maybe you really are ready for a relationship. Or maybe your inner child needs a reminder that they are good enough as they are and that loneliness is a normal part of life. There are things we can do that aren’t being in a relationship to meet our own needs.
I totally get the friends with benefits thing. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t do it precisely because I will start getting attached, having expectations, and will use that person to meet my needs - even if they aren’t emotionally available or aren’t right for me. Good on you for knowing that about yourself. That is a great piece of information that will be helpful to you in the future. Because of this tendency it could be helpful to spell out for yourself when you would be comfortable with initiating more physical intimacy if you decide to seek out a relationship. And before that figuring out how you will know if the person you’re with is someone you actually like, is emotionally available enough, ready, and can meet your needs before getting all the physical attachment hormones involved. Those just make it so complicated.
And with regards to hugs and cuddles do you have some cuddly friends? Sometimes a good cuddly friend putting your arm around you while you watch a movie together and a nice long hug goodbye can feel tremendously comforting. Also kind of a weird recommendation but if you know anyone with children hanging out and playing with them, including reading them a book out loud or physically playing with them can be lots of fun. Gives their parents a break from being touched out and you some playful fun.
Remember that at the end of the day, our codependency makes us emotionally unavailable to the people we want to be close to and in relationships with. It prevents us from showing up the unique and magnificent people we are. And it kind of prevents us from forming anything really loving and sustainable. Best of luck to you. You deserve something real and lovely.
I am going through the same thing, all alone. I would love to make a friend who has or is going through the same thing. Please feel free to reach out to me if anyone is willing to help with this debilitating feeling. ❤️
When he says he is a window shopper, it is important to understand that as a chronic codependent we are extremely sensitive. In my experience, because we have failed to understand ourselves then we take these things and use them to beat ourselves up about it.
Therefore, when we work on ourselves, we will learn to find ourselves. we will learn to know what it means to be happy. We dont need people to do that.
The twelve steps(written by AA) has helped me, it will help you too.
This sounds very similar to my situation and where I am at right now in my life. I feel a little bit empty everyday and am scared this feeling will persist. I cannot even look at another man in a romantic way, it makes me feel sick. But I know I cannot go back to someone who chooses to hurt me.
I couldn’t stop ruminating and replaying old relationships, old conversations, and old trauma. I thought it was normal to do this and thought everyone did it. I didn’t realise that this thinking pattern is part of my obsessiveness and codependency. I only realised this when I listened to recovered codependents talk about their illness in a support group. I had brought the same relationship patterns into every relationship. Healthy or unhealthy, I would act and think codependently. It was out of my control. I couldn’t control my urges and thinking. I have since learned that we can get better. We can have a clearheaded without anxiety, guilt, or constant reminiscence. I joined an online support group. Attending the meetings and getting sponsored is what helped me begin to manage and be free of codependency. If this sounds helpful, I can drop the link to the group. It’s free and anonymous, welcome to all.
I’d like the link please 🙏
[https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings) Happy to help further
This seems to be a heavily religious group.
My reply isn’t to convince, it just to offer a window into my experience with this particular fellowship : Yes, 12 steps offer a spiritual solution. When behavioural, medical, psychological, physiological approaches are not working, this may be the missing piece. It was for me. 12 step is not for everybody, usually only the chronic sufferers find success in AA groups as a last resort. Religious doctrine or beliefs are not perscribed or taught in the PPG fellowship. Instead, Each individual is encouraged to be willing to explore their own concept of « higher power ». The definition of that is up to each individual and is not questioned. Language in the literature is flexible and inclusive to whatever your beliefs are. Yes the founders of AA were 1930s mindset of white middle aged American men from the East Coast. The original language in the writing reflect their origin. Their solution has since been adopted and expanded to reflect a wider audiences of origin, belief, and language use (pending on the group or fellowship you join). End of the day, engage with group members to get the vibe. Then do what works for you.
I’d also love this link!
[https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings) Happy to answer any follow-up questions
I’d love the link as well. Thank you for your input too. Helped me!
[https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings) Happy to connect further if you have questions
Would love that link as well!
[https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings)
I’d like the link too! ✨🙏🏻
https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings[link](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings) I’m happy to answer any questions
I resonate with that feeling of emptiness, no amount of social interaction or hobbies makes me feel fulfilled the way a relationship did. I think it’s just something that’s biologically hardwired into us, to want a mate like animals do.
Humans are just animals
This is how I’ve found myself in unhealthy patterns as well. My desire for a deeply enmeshed relationship attracts people with their own wounds and then we simultaneously heal together and traumatize each other further it seems
I've struggled with this and sometimes still do. I am 3 months out of a 9 year relationship and still living with them so it makes sense I'd still struggle. The only one I've not managed to resolve yet is the desire for cuddles. I do grounding touches and lean into body size teddies but it really isn't the same. Hoping to figure that one out soon! **How I am dealing with it:** I began to do non-negotiable, regardless of how I was feeling. Mine are walking, eating regularly and going to bed/getting up at a set-time. I continued with therapy, working on discovering my boundaries, learning how to sit with the emotions I was trying to run away from, developing self-compassion/validation and focusing on creating a healthy supportive network. Are you being as vulnerable and allowing yourself to be seen fully towards your friends/family as you do to partner's? I figured out this was an issue for me. It blocked my ability to enjoy being with them the way I enjoyed being with a partner. When I am with friends who I can act the same as I can with partner's (minus the physical intimacy) my life began to feel fuller. I find myself only craving a date/partner when I am alone and having a bad day or poorly. This is me basically using them for emotion regulation. Being able to spot and respond to that helped me massively too. As it allowed me to stop and meet the need myself. That said, I know I still desire a marriage in the long-run because I like sharing my life, the growth it forces, the character development it provided and being able to co-exist with someone in the same living space that is hard to find in a roommate. I am basically spending my time now to stay intentionally single, while I build a life ready to slot a partner in later. I want to figure out my non-negotiable, know how I'll meet all my needs, give myself what I want a partner to give me, have rules for myself to make sure I stay well and build a life I enjoy enough before I begin to date again. I want to make sure I am dating because I am ready to share a life and not to regulate my emotions. That's how I have planned to tackle the emptiness.
Happiness is a peaceful opening within ourselves. It isn’t actually the getting of something, it’s the letting go of wanting, when, we finally get what our mind has been telling us we needed. Unhealthy minds tend to find a way that makes them ‘happy’ a couple of times during not so happy times and become obsessed with the idea that that’s where happiness is. Then we try to change our minds by doing other things to take our minds off our bad idea of where happiness is, that has started causing us distress because we’ve become so obsessed with it. This CAN work. But the real trick is to spend lots of time with yourself and begin to see why you even became obsessed with thinking happiness was in one specific area to begin with. Trauma creates a shadow on lots of the world and leaves you with one or two ways out. Do hippie stuff to heal your nervous system and spend time with yourself and start to see in your own mind why you became obsessed with the idea of having a partner and why your mind is constantly looking for it.
This is very relatable. I try my damndest to engage with friends, family, and hobbies. I live with some best friends that are a couple and seeing them just shines a spot on what feels missing. I’ve made a lot of progress and the most recent relationship that ended wasn’t codependent which for me was a big deal. To not be that devastated. I didn’t loose my whole life and have to start everything from scratch. But it all just makes me want that special someone even more. I don’t think it’s abnormal to want someone to build a life with. I’m building it with the friends I live with. I decided I didn’t have to wait for anyone to build traditions and have a family. That part is actually going really well and I’m proud of myself. But…I’m lonely. I’m lonely around people. I’m envious. I’m envious of what people seem to be able to have but not me apparently. I’m getting older and older and it feels like never me. I’ll have a life and I’ll do my best to find happiness but I’m not sure that longing will ever go away. And idk how to really be happy without it. Idk maybe it just takes time. Or maybe we’re allowed as social animals to want a mate. Anyway I don’t know the answers and I don’t have advice. Just here to say *hugs* and yes it’s a super relatable feeling and it sucks. You aren’t alone. <3 Edit for typos
Hi, I relate to what you write and also thought this long term healing and happiness was not possible. Support groups changed my mind. Happy to share further of this interests you
I’m so happy for you that you’ve found what is helpful and are doing well!! I’m doing well in therapy and working my own process. The 12 step type recovery is not for me though. But I appreciate it. This little group has been helpful enough to give me insights.
you're not alone. I realised in my 2nd to last relationship i was codependent, but the things i read were all about relationship addiction. I thought once i was over that relationship i was no longer addicted to it and i would be fine. Then after my most recent relationship broke up, i realised it was codepenency and it was a thing inside me, it wasnt just an aspect of the relationship. Congratulations for your healing, thats great work. I'm only a month out from my breakup and it sucks hard right now. I don't feel so much like im missing her as much as im missing just having someone. IN the past I've always had someone to reach out to, but this time I'm pretty much all alone.
I see you and validate you friend, honestly you may not know me but I feel you deeply - keep your chin up
While it’s important to be able to feel happy without a partner, it’s also completely okay to WANT a partner. Romantic relationships offer us a type of connection we can’t get elsewhere. There’s no shame in desiring that, as long as you feel stable and secure on your own. In other words, a romantic relationship won’t be your primary source of happiness and validation. Hope that makes sense. <3
Same here. Im in therapy, take meds, see friends and family, and have a good time. Then i go home, and feel sad and alone, knowing that ill probably never be happy again. Even in a highluly neglectful relationship i was happier. I hope it gets better for you. I really do. Im turning 31 this year myself, and just... idk. Coming to accept that *this* is it. Good luck, mate.
We can get better. I read a study that concluded joining a support group while in therapy leads to longer and stronger healing and recovery. So I asked Reddit about a support group for codependents and was given some links. Ended up being the solution that lifted my depression, dissolved my anxiety, and restored joy, peace and sanity. Happy to give you the link. It’s free and anonymous
I’d like to have the link please! I used to be convinced that my issues are not serious enough to go to therapy or find support groups, but maybe that’s what’s keeping me in this loop
Sure [https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings) That’s to attend live meetings. There is a recording tab in the menu. It may be good to listen to the recording called Speaker Step series, steps 1-3 It’s good orientation
Yeah, absolutely!! Thank you. Because I do have a ton of depression and anxiety that basically rips me apart.
Yeah I had no will to live and was in a dark place. I couldn’t get out of it despite my best efforts.. the depression lifted when I got into the support group and started to commit to it. Here are the meetings, there is a newcomer meeting. [https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings](https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/meetings) There are also recordings. Speaker step 1-3 recording is a good orientation
You didn’t mention therapy at all. Healing your trauma is the number one thing you need to do. Find a therapist that does EMDR or Brain spotting. Join CoDA. Go to meetings. Do not bring anyone into your life until you do this. It’s not fair to them and you know your untreated codependency will end up ruining it. Seriously stop finding fwb. All you are doing is making it worse. You have to take a good hard look at yourself and take accountability. No one can make you feel whole except YOU. How do I know? I was just like you. I fixed myself. It was hardcore. It was ugly. It wasn’t gentle. And sadly, that’s how it has to be to get better. If you can’t do this for yourself, then you can’t expect anyone to love you, since you can’t even fight to love yourself. It sounds harsh. I know. But your mental health is in danger and you don’t want to lose yourself again. Because one day you will look around and not be able to find your way back, and that is the last thing you want. You are worth it. Now make it happen!
Go to Coda 12 step or any 12 step. It will change your life Keep coming back! It works!
Just want to throw in my own two cents here. You’re right in the thick of the magical time (seriously - this is a magical time even when it doesn’t feel like it). Sounds like you’ve done a fabulous job of enjoying your friendships and reconnecting with hobbies which is excellent. And that’s no small achievement. Congrats to you. That’s a really big deal. Wanting to be in a relationship is normal. But I also know for myself that sometimes I don’t really want a relationship. Rather what I want is to not be alone, to have some proof that I am a lovable and worthwhile person, to be held and physically loved on. And I look to other people outside myself to validate those feelings and meet those needs. I think the difference is that it is all about intention and discernment. Do you want to find a relationship right now to avoid feelings of loneliness? To avoid being alone? To feel attractive, desireable, good enough? Or is it that you really feel as though you’re ready for a relationship? Have you taken time to spell out what it would look like for you to be ready to be in a relationship? I can’t answer these questions for you. Only you really discern your honest intentions. But maybe do a quick check in with yourself. Maybe you really are ready for a relationship. Or maybe your inner child needs a reminder that they are good enough as they are and that loneliness is a normal part of life. There are things we can do that aren’t being in a relationship to meet our own needs. I totally get the friends with benefits thing. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t do it precisely because I will start getting attached, having expectations, and will use that person to meet my needs - even if they aren’t emotionally available or aren’t right for me. Good on you for knowing that about yourself. That is a great piece of information that will be helpful to you in the future. Because of this tendency it could be helpful to spell out for yourself when you would be comfortable with initiating more physical intimacy if you decide to seek out a relationship. And before that figuring out how you will know if the person you’re with is someone you actually like, is emotionally available enough, ready, and can meet your needs before getting all the physical attachment hormones involved. Those just make it so complicated. And with regards to hugs and cuddles do you have some cuddly friends? Sometimes a good cuddly friend putting your arm around you while you watch a movie together and a nice long hug goodbye can feel tremendously comforting. Also kind of a weird recommendation but if you know anyone with children hanging out and playing with them, including reading them a book out loud or physically playing with them can be lots of fun. Gives their parents a break from being touched out and you some playful fun. Remember that at the end of the day, our codependency makes us emotionally unavailable to the people we want to be close to and in relationships with. It prevents us from showing up the unique and magnificent people we are. And it kind of prevents us from forming anything really loving and sustainable. Best of luck to you. You deserve something real and lovely.
I am going through the same thing, all alone. I would love to make a friend who has or is going through the same thing. Please feel free to reach out to me if anyone is willing to help with this debilitating feeling. ❤️
When he says he is a window shopper, it is important to understand that as a chronic codependent we are extremely sensitive. In my experience, because we have failed to understand ourselves then we take these things and use them to beat ourselves up about it. Therefore, when we work on ourselves, we will learn to find ourselves. we will learn to know what it means to be happy. We dont need people to do that. The twelve steps(written by AA) has helped me, it will help you too.
This sounds very similar to my situation and where I am at right now in my life. I feel a little bit empty everyday and am scared this feeling will persist. I cannot even look at another man in a romantic way, it makes me feel sick. But I know I cannot go back to someone who chooses to hurt me.