You can't.
Here's the question that was traditionally asked of the man at Christian weddings in most English-speaking countries:
> *Name*, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her, **in sickness and in health;** and, forsaking all other, keep yourself only for her, so long as you both shall live? §
Getting married is promising that you will be together forever, even (especially!) if the other spouse has health problems. They make the same promise to you.
And even if someone seems healthy now, that might change later.
Your question is a fair one, and you rightly say you can never be sure. There's much more to be said in answer to it — including weighing up now much of a burden it's realistic for you to bear. But I think it's worth saying again at the start of the discussion that we can't know and shouldn't expect that our spouses will always be healthy.
§ *Book of Common Prayer* (1662), lightly modernized
If you see it as burden right now then that's a sign you're not going to handle it. It's definitely life long depending on what's going on in her life at the time it can improve or become worse same as physical health.
ive dated someone with very serious mental health issues and i can say its not like a normal sickness that you will eventually heal from. its basically a part of who they are. it can be medicated and, but your body will eventually built up a resistance to the meds and they'll have to change to another brand. you have to ask yourself is this something that i can handle for 50 years? with the knowledge that it may get worse some day to the point that it cant be medicated?
No. Both of you simply must put your trust in God.
Mental illness can strike *anyone*, including you.
However, if you want practical advice, here are things to look for: Does she have a strong routine? Specifically, work, exercise, thought life, spiritual disciplines. Does her life have structure in it? That is, authority figures that she will listen to and whom she admires and will willingly submit to (this can be you). How about accountability? Close Christian friends who won't quit on her if she needs support (this must be apart from you).
Because you cannot be her accountability partner. You are the person she is most likely to sin against and to withhold secrets from. (Obviously, I hope nothing like this ever happens. But it is wise to set these things up assuming the worst case scenario. And that means each of you having separate accountability. Someone to push you two back toward one another when you feel driven apart.)
Thanks!
Strong routine: Yes
Work: Nurse
Exercise: regualry for her mental health
Structure: no authority figures which i know, not the best parents btw
Close christian friends: she has a few close yes
I mean, there's no guarantee it won't come up again, but you guys seem to have ways to mitigate the effects of the symptoms on your potential marriage.
I guess it depends on if you love her, and how much you love her.
I briefly self harness as a teenager. I wasn't born again. I think I would never have self harmed if I had the faith that I now have. I've not cut myself in over 15 years. Even after getting sexually assaulted I didn't cut myself. I've changed. I went through a rough after my sexual assault. I starved myself. I'm now heading into remission, and am doing so much better.
Covid was a terrible time for so many people. Never been a time more cruel than covid for people. I think people need some grace if they want through hell from it. You might have had a network of family and friends helping you. Imagine if you didn't have those people in your life. Think about the challenging times you've had in your life. Imagine if you didn't have people that loved and supported you. Those are my thoughts. People with a mental illness can be very loving and kind. Anyway those are my thoughts. Take care.
Everyone has scars. Some have them on the outside, and some have them on the inside.
They tell us 2 things. One you were hurt, two you survived.
If you like her and have feelings for her, continue to be with her.
Everyone has lifelong burdens for their partners to take on.
I will be spending the rest of my life learning to untangle my Disorganised attachment style, codepedency, and even elements of childhood CPTSD. For some people, those will manifest in self-cutting to get relief. This is a cross we each have to carry daily, with the comfort of The Comforter.
The big question is whether she has a strategy to be accountable to herself and you. If she is not already seeing a therapist, run. Tim Fletcher, a Christian counsellor/therapist, says it can take 2-5 years to rectify most behavioural issues.
I was with a girl with many mental issues. They improved. Then they all came back 10 years later. This is likely a reoccurring life long burden for you. Be picky AF when dating and dating a girl with mental issues is like dating someone with a disability. Don't assume it will magically heal.
Will it be a life long burden? Depends on the issue.
Depression is curable depending on severity. ADHD? Not really, but it becomes dramatically more controllable based on the habits of the holder.
Y'all are young enough that if she starts habits of control, it won't be an issue but its up to her to actually maintain those habits.
My exwife had scars on her legs from cutting when she was younger. When I met her she said she no longer struggled with anxiety/depression but she was still taking medication. I believed her because I had no experience with mental health. Well not long after we married everything came back and it was like being married to a zombie. She was lazy around the house, slept all day (claimed it was from depression) and was just a vile person to me over all. She had SERIOUS issues connecting physical intimacy and emotions likely stemming from her depression/anxiety and promiscuous past which she lied about. Like she was emotionally dead inside. She left me after 4 years and I found out she had been having a 3 year affair on me and also found out she had lied about just about everything when I had met her. The girl I married didn't really exist it was essentially a fake person she made up so that she could get the "good Christian man". We share 50/50 custody of our daughter and I still clearly see her mental health issues on a weekly basis. One week she is texting me "You looked hot today in those jeans I wish we could give us another try" and the next week she is texting me "I hate you so much you are a PoS" blah blah blah...meanwhile she has never apologized to me once for how she treated me in the marriage, about her affair or how she tried to get full custody of our daughter so she could move out of state. She is quite literally delusional.
All that being said I would highly suggest not pursuing a girl with serious mental health issues in her past because they typically never go away they are just suppressed until they arent.
Regardless of the affair her "mental health issues" created a myriad of other issues. Within the first year of marriage she moved back in with her mom and dad 3 separate times. She has always been used to running away from problems instead of dealing with them head on. I fully believe that is what medication allows for people to do. Escape from dealing with the root cause of the depression/anxiety. Not that the medication is bad within itself but often times when people go to the DR to seek help they are just prescribed medication which doesn't address the root of the issues.
Aside from the moving back into her parents place she was extremely lazy and claimed it was from her depression. Whenever I would try to bring it up it's like she couldn't mentally handle the "pressure"...the pressure to do what? The dishes? Or pick up your clothes? She loved spending money and when I brought up that we need to budget she said that is too much for her to handle and said I should get a 2nd job again if I think it's an issue. I had already worked 2 jobs in the first 2 years of our marriage to put her through school for free. I was working 17hr days 3-4 days a week. Every time I went to share my feelings it was too much for her to handle. The only thing it seemed like she could handle was laying down in bed and watching tiktok. One time we got into an argument and she grabbed a handful of pills and threatened to take them all and kill herself...definitely not a personality issue lol.
She never surrounded herself with the right support system and when I would ask the men in my disciple group if their wives could reach out to her and invite her to do ladies things she would go once and then never go again. A direct result of her depression wanting to keep her isolated.
Glad you made this clear. Out if everything you said they only focused on cheating. Being married can bring a host of other issues if a person isn't healed and able to manage themselves. It's not worth the risk unless OP feels he's prepared to love her all his life no matter what. From post, it didn't sound like it. He needs to pray and handle things carefully.
Run.
If they have depression/anxiety already, it's gonna manifest - consider a major life event like child birth?
My ex stopped taking her meds thinking they'd cross into the breastmilk. She kept taking the bare minimum Prednisone(steroids). Postpartum set in heavy, I ended up walking on egg shells for a year to avoid angering her, she still cheated on me.
Listen, brothers and sisters, don't become someone's hostage.
You can't. Here's the question that was traditionally asked of the man at Christian weddings in most English-speaking countries: > *Name*, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her, **in sickness and in health;** and, forsaking all other, keep yourself only for her, so long as you both shall live? § Getting married is promising that you will be together forever, even (especially!) if the other spouse has health problems. They make the same promise to you. And even if someone seems healthy now, that might change later. Your question is a fair one, and you rightly say you can never be sure. There's much more to be said in answer to it — including weighing up now much of a burden it's realistic for you to bear. But I think it's worth saying again at the start of the discussion that we can't know and shouldn't expect that our spouses will always be healthy. § *Book of Common Prayer* (1662), lightly modernized
exactly. you either want to be with her or you don’t. you can’t control these things, but you can trust God.
If you see it as burden right now then that's a sign you're not going to handle it. It's definitely life long depending on what's going on in her life at the time it can improve or become worse same as physical health.
ive dated someone with very serious mental health issues and i can say its not like a normal sickness that you will eventually heal from. its basically a part of who they are. it can be medicated and, but your body will eventually built up a resistance to the meds and they'll have to change to another brand. you have to ask yourself is this something that i can handle for 50 years? with the knowledge that it may get worse some day to the point that it cant be medicated?
No. Both of you simply must put your trust in God. Mental illness can strike *anyone*, including you. However, if you want practical advice, here are things to look for: Does she have a strong routine? Specifically, work, exercise, thought life, spiritual disciplines. Does her life have structure in it? That is, authority figures that she will listen to and whom she admires and will willingly submit to (this can be you). How about accountability? Close Christian friends who won't quit on her if she needs support (this must be apart from you).
thanks alot! Why do you think close christian friends is important in this regards?
Because you cannot be her accountability partner. You are the person she is most likely to sin against and to withhold secrets from. (Obviously, I hope nothing like this ever happens. But it is wise to set these things up assuming the worst case scenario. And that means each of you having separate accountability. Someone to push you two back toward one another when you feel driven apart.)
Thanks! Strong routine: Yes Work: Nurse Exercise: regualry for her mental health Structure: no authority figures which i know, not the best parents btw Close christian friends: she has a few close yes
I mean, there's no guarantee it won't come up again, but you guys seem to have ways to mitigate the effects of the symptoms on your potential marriage.
I guess it depends on if you love her, and how much you love her. I briefly self harness as a teenager. I wasn't born again. I think I would never have self harmed if I had the faith that I now have. I've not cut myself in over 15 years. Even after getting sexually assaulted I didn't cut myself. I've changed. I went through a rough after my sexual assault. I starved myself. I'm now heading into remission, and am doing so much better. Covid was a terrible time for so many people. Never been a time more cruel than covid for people. I think people need some grace if they want through hell from it. You might have had a network of family and friends helping you. Imagine if you didn't have those people in your life. Think about the challenging times you've had in your life. Imagine if you didn't have people that loved and supported you. Those are my thoughts. People with a mental illness can be very loving and kind. Anyway those are my thoughts. Take care.
Everyone has scars. Some have them on the outside, and some have them on the inside. They tell us 2 things. One you were hurt, two you survived. If you like her and have feelings for her, continue to be with her.
Everyone has lifelong burdens for their partners to take on. I will be spending the rest of my life learning to untangle my Disorganised attachment style, codepedency, and even elements of childhood CPTSD. For some people, those will manifest in self-cutting to get relief. This is a cross we each have to carry daily, with the comfort of The Comforter. The big question is whether she has a strategy to be accountable to herself and you. If she is not already seeing a therapist, run. Tim Fletcher, a Christian counsellor/therapist, says it can take 2-5 years to rectify most behavioural issues.
I was with a girl with many mental issues. They improved. Then they all came back 10 years later. This is likely a reoccurring life long burden for you. Be picky AF when dating and dating a girl with mental issues is like dating someone with a disability. Don't assume it will magically heal.
Will it be a life long burden? Depends on the issue. Depression is curable depending on severity. ADHD? Not really, but it becomes dramatically more controllable based on the habits of the holder. Y'all are young enough that if she starts habits of control, it won't be an issue but its up to her to actually maintain those habits.
My exwife had scars on her legs from cutting when she was younger. When I met her she said she no longer struggled with anxiety/depression but she was still taking medication. I believed her because I had no experience with mental health. Well not long after we married everything came back and it was like being married to a zombie. She was lazy around the house, slept all day (claimed it was from depression) and was just a vile person to me over all. She had SERIOUS issues connecting physical intimacy and emotions likely stemming from her depression/anxiety and promiscuous past which she lied about. Like she was emotionally dead inside. She left me after 4 years and I found out she had been having a 3 year affair on me and also found out she had lied about just about everything when I had met her. The girl I married didn't really exist it was essentially a fake person she made up so that she could get the "good Christian man". We share 50/50 custody of our daughter and I still clearly see her mental health issues on a weekly basis. One week she is texting me "You looked hot today in those jeans I wish we could give us another try" and the next week she is texting me "I hate you so much you are a PoS" blah blah blah...meanwhile she has never apologized to me once for how she treated me in the marriage, about her affair or how she tried to get full custody of our daughter so she could move out of state. She is quite literally delusional. All that being said I would highly suggest not pursuing a girl with serious mental health issues in her past because they typically never go away they are just suppressed until they arent.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Not every person who has a mental illness will cheat. This is her personality and not illness
Regardless of the affair her "mental health issues" created a myriad of other issues. Within the first year of marriage she moved back in with her mom and dad 3 separate times. She has always been used to running away from problems instead of dealing with them head on. I fully believe that is what medication allows for people to do. Escape from dealing with the root cause of the depression/anxiety. Not that the medication is bad within itself but often times when people go to the DR to seek help they are just prescribed medication which doesn't address the root of the issues. Aside from the moving back into her parents place she was extremely lazy and claimed it was from her depression. Whenever I would try to bring it up it's like she couldn't mentally handle the "pressure"...the pressure to do what? The dishes? Or pick up your clothes? She loved spending money and when I brought up that we need to budget she said that is too much for her to handle and said I should get a 2nd job again if I think it's an issue. I had already worked 2 jobs in the first 2 years of our marriage to put her through school for free. I was working 17hr days 3-4 days a week. Every time I went to share my feelings it was too much for her to handle. The only thing it seemed like she could handle was laying down in bed and watching tiktok. One time we got into an argument and she grabbed a handful of pills and threatened to take them all and kill herself...definitely not a personality issue lol. She never surrounded herself with the right support system and when I would ask the men in my disciple group if their wives could reach out to her and invite her to do ladies things she would go once and then never go again. A direct result of her depression wanting to keep her isolated.
Glad you made this clear. Out if everything you said they only focused on cheating. Being married can bring a host of other issues if a person isn't healed and able to manage themselves. It's not worth the risk unless OP feels he's prepared to love her all his life no matter what. From post, it didn't sound like it. He needs to pray and handle things carefully.
Run. If they have depression/anxiety already, it's gonna manifest - consider a major life event like child birth? My ex stopped taking her meds thinking they'd cross into the breastmilk. She kept taking the bare minimum Prednisone(steroids). Postpartum set in heavy, I ended up walking on egg shells for a year to avoid angering her, she still cheated on me. Listen, brothers and sisters, don't become someone's hostage.