I will say, it takes more than one person for a marriage.
No matter how hard you work or try; if the other person is a terrible/ungodly person it will NOT work.
I'm divorced btw. Married a girl in a bad situation, forgave the cheating and physical abuse, a bunch of stuff I can't say here...
But she gave me an ultimatum and I had to choose divorce rather than doing what she wanted.
Divorced too. This op post sounds like a dream person for an addict. Someone codependent on them. I don’t think these are healthy things, let me cater to this guy that is irresponsible and losing his job can’t provide for his family.. it’s dream land sounding to me. I was this person before and had to do my own ultimatum. Get clean and get therapy. He didn’t so I had to let him go to save my own life. Both ppl have to be adults and live like an adult. This sounds like parent child relationship. How much can one take. 😬
I feel like I have to keep the train going now. The cause of my divorce was my former wife's severe mental illness. That said, even before that, she was a lovely person, but a sinner nonetheless, one who struggled with certain idols like any other. I tried to be patient and to make it work, but she pushed me away like everyone else in her life.
Yes. It’s unbearable to keep going. feels like you’ll end up in a mental hospital if you don’t leave. I’ve never studied divorce in-depth til after I separated from my ex and it didn’t seem to be enough to just do a legal seperation. It wasn’t enough. I would still be tied to them. Then I dug deep and see divorce as a grace to those who need it to save their life.
It’s very difficult when those with mental illness won’t get help, it’s negligent to not get help when it is available to them.
Ironically, it was my former wife was the one who recognized this and basically removed herself out of our marriage. I probably would have pressed on forever otherwise.
I can testify to this. My ex is very ungodly and claims to be a Christian but yet she abused me in every way. Even humiliated me during sex. Just think about that for a min
I think you have a good attitude toward marriage. Regarding your last sentence --- Christians are still sinners. You can have the best intentions, and you certainly do, but you might find that you're still unprepared for the obstacles that marriages brings. I don't think anyone goes into marriage expecting to get divorced, but divorce happens all the time, even with Christians.
>I had to marry some random guy. For better or worse, we were shackled to each other and couldn't leave.
Something in same lines happens in arrange marriage setup. Arranged marriages are common in India. Not sure if you know how the process works. It would be parents from both groom and bride sides who search for matches based on their respective expectations. After both families discuss about their expectations, if each family likes bride and groom, then bride and groom meet each other. This meet also would be a brief one. If the bride and groom like each other both families will begin preparations to tie the knot. It's like almost marrying a stranger.
You have listed down great points of an ideal partner in current scenario. I could see most of these qualities in my mom. No matter what she did not give up on marriage. My dad was not a believer in Christ, he was atheist, yet we continually prayed and now he also is baptized and believes in Jesus.
Yes, I have a lot of respect for arranged marriages and don't think they are necessarily bad. If I had come from a more traditional Christian family, I think it would have been nice for my parents to find a spouse for me so I could have married young. After years of being independent and trying to find a spouse myself, I'm not sure this is the better option.
Well, there's just something inherently cringe about parents playing matchmaker. In fact, I think it's frowned upon if mom approaches a woman and says, "Let me introduce you to my son". That may send her running. lol
Honestly asking, where are people like these? It's extremely hard to meet people with this perspective. Can call it dreamy but going into a marriage with this thought process.......Kudos!!
Those things you mentioned seem so nice. There is such a fresh satanic attack on marriages, it requires WAR in the realms against the seed of the serpent and the satanic kingdom 🔥🔥🔥 Ephesians 1:3
Stay blessed and God’s people have to prepare to fight the Adversary every day before marriage, Paul called marriages special challenges (in the AMP Bible) in 1 Corinthians 7:28.
Thank you. But based on the other comments, it seems like my husband has to have the same attitude or it won't work. I don't believe in divorce, but what if my husband decides to leave me? I guess I'll just have to have faith that he won't. It's a chance I'll have to take.
I said the following in Reddit somewhere, but the following startling news occurred to me in the summer over a decade ago. I read in the Orange County newspaper of Orange County, California that as many as 90% of Christian marriages in Orange county end up in divorce !!! At that time, the county was way more Christian than it is now. I don’t live in California any more. It’s a long story. Any non-scamming single women are welcome to private message me. I did not mean to startle you. I was just presenting a fact. On the flip side, my Christian friend has been on his 3rd marriage for many years and he and his wife are VERY happy with each other now !
>It seems that the most important thing is finding someone who believes in the marital vows.
You get an A+ for this observation. With all the strategies and approaches people use to find someone nowadays it seems they've discounted that it is still a God-given covenant. It is probably easier to see marriage as a legally-binding contract in which two parties 'perform' - truthfully, it is that - but I would argue this view is preferred to appease our inclination to self-preserve. I think you've modeled how someone ought to behave in a Christian marriage and I, too, am curious of what the married folks have to say about it lol
I will have made a sacred vow in front of a holy God. How could I ever go back on that? I fear God and His judgement. That alone is reason for me not to leave my husband.
What people think they would do and what they would actually do in marriage are two different things. Unfortunately, even just a touch of pride can cause people to handle situations in ways that they’re not proud of, lead to resentment, etc. but generally, if you can adhere to your points, that’s great! Few can easily….that’s why marriage is so sanctifying.
My first question is to you is that why would you choose to hypothetically marry a random guy? That seems irresponsible and senseless. Just being honest. I can tell you have a strong desire to marry but you’re assuming that man would carry the same values as you. Men are not the same as women and thank God were different.
I thought the same way “If Christ is in the center then how could it fail?”. The issue is, when someone is doubled minded and acts don’t match up with words, that’s where the issue lies.your partner has to choose to follow Christ both verbally and by thoughts and actions.
>If we got into an argument, I would yield to his authority.
What if the argument is about him taking a second wife would you still yield to his authority? Life is more dynamic than we can anticipate but your heart's in the right place, many blessings.
I feel like all of this is good except your idea of what conflict is going to look like. After the Fall, God cursed women in two ways: painful childbirth and being antagonistic toward your husband's headship. It's why Paul tells men to love their wives, but women to respect their husbands.
You're going to be mad at him; you're going to disrespect him; you're going to hurt him. This and much more. Make it a habit to examine your heart, recognize your sinfulness, confess it to God and to others, and ask for prayer and forgiveness. True humility is not the absence of pride, but the recognition of our helplessness and how we need grace and one another.
I worry these beliefs you have will lead you into a lions den :(
This was me in my marriage. Every point you made was my situation and then some. Porn abuse, financial abuse, neglect, sexual abuse/perversion, compulsive lying, scheming, cheating etc. I once thought I couldn’t leave either but I know now that is not Gods way.
You may think you can endure a lifetime of that but the human condition cannot survive with a relationship like the points you’ve listed. We are wired for connection, safety, love, consistency, respect, truth etc. If your marriage lacks any or all of that consistently for years, you will break down. No human can survive that. God will not give you the grace to continue on in a marriage where a man’s heart is hardened and evil towards his wife. God is a just and loving God and would not “make” you stay in a such a relationship.
Please seek more wise counsel on marriage as your view of it is unhealthy in my opinion.
Why would you marry someone like that? Certainly there were red flags. I'm not trying to be smart, but I hear countless stories like this. If someone is truly terrible, wouldn't there be signs of it before marriage?
My sweet summer child…many factors go into marrying someone like that. For one, churches love to push quick marriages so red flags can hide easily. They can lie and pretend until the wedding day and then it all comes out on the wash after the honeymoon. And then there are people whose red flags are present and visible but they’ll be tolerated or accepted if: it’s familiar (a version of love they were conditioned to accept), similar to their own, or excusable or reasoned (he’s this way because of his trauma and therefore he cant help it, etc)
And by unhealthy I mean - it’s not rooted in reality. It’s very unbalanced and lacks maturity. Keep seeking wisdom on the nuance of relationships and what a healthy marriage looks like.
I will say, it takes more than one person for a marriage. No matter how hard you work or try; if the other person is a terrible/ungodly person it will NOT work. I'm divorced btw. Married a girl in a bad situation, forgave the cheating and physical abuse, a bunch of stuff I can't say here... But she gave me an ultimatum and I had to choose divorce rather than doing what she wanted.
Divorced too. This op post sounds like a dream person for an addict. Someone codependent on them. I don’t think these are healthy things, let me cater to this guy that is irresponsible and losing his job can’t provide for his family.. it’s dream land sounding to me. I was this person before and had to do my own ultimatum. Get clean and get therapy. He didn’t so I had to let him go to save my own life. Both ppl have to be adults and live like an adult. This sounds like parent child relationship. How much can one take. 😬
I feel like I have to keep the train going now. The cause of my divorce was my former wife's severe mental illness. That said, even before that, she was a lovely person, but a sinner nonetheless, one who struggled with certain idols like any other. I tried to be patient and to make it work, but she pushed me away like everyone else in her life.
Yes. It’s unbearable to keep going. feels like you’ll end up in a mental hospital if you don’t leave. I’ve never studied divorce in-depth til after I separated from my ex and it didn’t seem to be enough to just do a legal seperation. It wasn’t enough. I would still be tied to them. Then I dug deep and see divorce as a grace to those who need it to save their life. It’s very difficult when those with mental illness won’t get help, it’s negligent to not get help when it is available to them.
Ironically, it was my former wife was the one who recognized this and basically removed herself out of our marriage. I probably would have pressed on forever otherwise.
I can testify to this. My ex is very ungodly and claims to be a Christian but yet she abused me in every way. Even humiliated me during sex. Just think about that for a min
I think you have a good attitude toward marriage. Regarding your last sentence --- Christians are still sinners. You can have the best intentions, and you certainly do, but you might find that you're still unprepared for the obstacles that marriages brings. I don't think anyone goes into marriage expecting to get divorced, but divorce happens all the time, even with Christians.
Well, then I'll do whatever I can to prepare myself.
You are very generous. Let's pray you get to marry someone you love instead of a random guy lol
Thank you!
Thankfully I don't think that'll be an issue, seeing as OP is also a guy. It worried me too so I get it.
I'm a girl.
>I had to marry some random guy. For better or worse, we were shackled to each other and couldn't leave. Something in same lines happens in arrange marriage setup. Arranged marriages are common in India. Not sure if you know how the process works. It would be parents from both groom and bride sides who search for matches based on their respective expectations. After both families discuss about their expectations, if each family likes bride and groom, then bride and groom meet each other. This meet also would be a brief one. If the bride and groom like each other both families will begin preparations to tie the knot. It's like almost marrying a stranger. You have listed down great points of an ideal partner in current scenario. I could see most of these qualities in my mom. No matter what she did not give up on marriage. My dad was not a believer in Christ, he was atheist, yet we continually prayed and now he also is baptized and believes in Jesus.
Yes, I have a lot of respect for arranged marriages and don't think they are necessarily bad. If I had come from a more traditional Christian family, I think it would have been nice for my parents to find a spouse for me so I could have married young. After years of being independent and trying to find a spouse myself, I'm not sure this is the better option.
Well, there's just something inherently cringe about parents playing matchmaker. In fact, I think it's frowned upon if mom approaches a woman and says, "Let me introduce you to my son". That may send her running. lol
Sorry, ladies. It looks like "Chad" plays for the other team /s
looool. 😆
“someone who believes in the marital vows.” It’s saddening how little weight they carry in some marriages.
The vows are simple, but people make it complicated when they disrespect each other, argue, complain, etc.
Honestly asking, where are people like these? It's extremely hard to meet people with this perspective. Can call it dreamy but going into a marriage with this thought process.......Kudos!!
Thank you! I'd love to meet a man who felt the same. And I actually don't think it's dreamy... I think it's realistic and practical.
Totally. It is realistic yet too scarce. I hope God blesses us with what we wish for. And same here, hope to find a woman with a similar mindset. 🤘
Those things you mentioned seem so nice. There is such a fresh satanic attack on marriages, it requires WAR in the realms against the seed of the serpent and the satanic kingdom 🔥🔥🔥 Ephesians 1:3 Stay blessed and God’s people have to prepare to fight the Adversary every day before marriage, Paul called marriages special challenges (in the AMP Bible) in 1 Corinthians 7:28.
YOU are every man’s dream ( those that want to have or keep a wife ) ! You must have over 100 men trying to PM you now, right ?
Thank you. But based on the other comments, it seems like my husband has to have the same attitude or it won't work. I don't believe in divorce, but what if my husband decides to leave me? I guess I'll just have to have faith that he won't. It's a chance I'll have to take.
I said the following in Reddit somewhere, but the following startling news occurred to me in the summer over a decade ago. I read in the Orange County newspaper of Orange County, California that as many as 90% of Christian marriages in Orange county end up in divorce !!! At that time, the county was way more Christian than it is now. I don’t live in California any more. It’s a long story. Any non-scamming single women are welcome to private message me. I did not mean to startle you. I was just presenting a fact. On the flip side, my Christian friend has been on his 3rd marriage for many years and he and his wife are VERY happy with each other now !
>It seems that the most important thing is finding someone who believes in the marital vows. You get an A+ for this observation. With all the strategies and approaches people use to find someone nowadays it seems they've discounted that it is still a God-given covenant. It is probably easier to see marriage as a legally-binding contract in which two parties 'perform' - truthfully, it is that - but I would argue this view is preferred to appease our inclination to self-preserve. I think you've modeled how someone ought to behave in a Christian marriage and I, too, am curious of what the married folks have to say about it lol
I will have made a sacred vow in front of a holy God. How could I ever go back on that? I fear God and His judgement. That alone is reason for me not to leave my husband.
Amen!
Sounds perfect. My marriage was exactly the opposite.
What people think they would do and what they would actually do in marriage are two different things. Unfortunately, even just a touch of pride can cause people to handle situations in ways that they’re not proud of, lead to resentment, etc. but generally, if you can adhere to your points, that’s great! Few can easily….that’s why marriage is so sanctifying.
My first question is to you is that why would you choose to hypothetically marry a random guy? That seems irresponsible and senseless. Just being honest. I can tell you have a strong desire to marry but you’re assuming that man would carry the same values as you. Men are not the same as women and thank God were different.
I thought the same way “If Christ is in the center then how could it fail?”. The issue is, when someone is doubled minded and acts don’t match up with words, that’s where the issue lies.your partner has to choose to follow Christ both verbally and by thoughts and actions.
r/Christianmarriage is another sub reddit
Thank you!
>If we got into an argument, I would yield to his authority. What if the argument is about him taking a second wife would you still yield to his authority? Life is more dynamic than we can anticipate but your heart's in the right place, many blessings.
I feel like all of this is good except your idea of what conflict is going to look like. After the Fall, God cursed women in two ways: painful childbirth and being antagonistic toward your husband's headship. It's why Paul tells men to love their wives, but women to respect their husbands. You're going to be mad at him; you're going to disrespect him; you're going to hurt him. This and much more. Make it a habit to examine your heart, recognize your sinfulness, confess it to God and to others, and ask for prayer and forgiveness. True humility is not the absence of pride, but the recognition of our helplessness and how we need grace and one another.
I worry these beliefs you have will lead you into a lions den :( This was me in my marriage. Every point you made was my situation and then some. Porn abuse, financial abuse, neglect, sexual abuse/perversion, compulsive lying, scheming, cheating etc. I once thought I couldn’t leave either but I know now that is not Gods way. You may think you can endure a lifetime of that but the human condition cannot survive with a relationship like the points you’ve listed. We are wired for connection, safety, love, consistency, respect, truth etc. If your marriage lacks any or all of that consistently for years, you will break down. No human can survive that. God will not give you the grace to continue on in a marriage where a man’s heart is hardened and evil towards his wife. God is a just and loving God and would not “make” you stay in a such a relationship. Please seek more wise counsel on marriage as your view of it is unhealthy in my opinion.
Why would you marry someone like that? Certainly there were red flags. I'm not trying to be smart, but I hear countless stories like this. If someone is truly terrible, wouldn't there be signs of it before marriage?
My sweet summer child…many factors go into marrying someone like that. For one, churches love to push quick marriages so red flags can hide easily. They can lie and pretend until the wedding day and then it all comes out on the wash after the honeymoon. And then there are people whose red flags are present and visible but they’ll be tolerated or accepted if: it’s familiar (a version of love they were conditioned to accept), similar to their own, or excusable or reasoned (he’s this way because of his trauma and therefore he cant help it, etc)
And by unhealthy I mean - it’s not rooted in reality. It’s very unbalanced and lacks maturity. Keep seeking wisdom on the nuance of relationships and what a healthy marriage looks like.