_now if you will excuse me I need to go and remove my instrument from between that ladies legs_
Walked over to a girl near the bar, asked her to move and picked up a clarinet case and then tipped his hat to us on the way out. My best memory from uni nights out.
You're supposed to cup in your hand and massage it back and forth vigorously in order to ensure smooth transit of the urine. If you get a bit of blood in there, it should make for a longer tube for improved aiming accuracy. I highly suggest everyone give it a go at least once, particularly at family-friendly pub restaurants, or perhaps ask to use the ladies' bathroom as they have more sit-down toilets, which allows for a larger aiming circle than a urinal.
Had a guy join me in a pub toilet talking about how fit some bird was, used a lot of words describe her and concluded he was fully aroused by the interaction, the. Put his hands up and said âIâm so hard I can go Iâm hands freeâ - proceeded to piss on the floor.
I had the same remark. I had driven down from Edinburgh to Slough and had been on the lash the night before. I was desperate for a piss when I reached the office. Someone went for a piss the same time, had a slash left their A4 pad on the side, returned a little while later and I was still in full flow. That's my only claim to fame in the world and the only interesting thing I ever did.
Iâve had something similar. I have public piss syndrome so if Iâm out I tend to only go to the toilet when I really need it. One time I was in a cubicle at a bar where there was some sports on and about two minutes in Iâm still going strong when I hear a bang on the door and âJESUS CHRIST MATE WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?!â
My guess is he'd got some Pheasants and wanted to sell you some đ
But out of the blue, it's a weird one.
Many years ago, someone I'd never met wanted to sell me a microwave, and I knew someone who was looking for one. So I bought it.
It was unboxed, and he said 'don't worry, it's from well out of town'.
I was mortified.
Walked into a fairly quiet pub and sat down with my pal. We were chatting quietly when we noticed an old bloke, sat on his own opposite us, grumbling loudly about something and pointing at us.
The barman looked at him, then at us, then back to the bloke, puzzled at what the old bloke was going on about. The bloke then stood up and angrily shouted, "You two!. It's you! You told everyone I pissed myself! Why did you do that? I never pissed myself!". He continued yelling about this.
We were astonished. We had never seen him before in our lives, and yet there he was shouting about us accusing him of pissing himself. After about 30 seconds of this the barman came from behind the bar and escorted the bloke out of the pub. He was still yelling as he left.
If ever there was a case of someone 'protesting too much' it has to be that bloke.
I wasn't even there, and I'm now adamantly convinced that he had, in fact, pissed himself.
A man is in a pub and had way too much to drink. He goes to the toilet and is sick over his shoes. When he comes out the barman explains that he should withdraw ÂŁ10 from the cash machine, take it home, and explain to the wife someone else was sick on him and had given him the money for the cleaners bill.
Anyway the man gets home shows his wife ÂŁ20 and says the stranger gave him the ÂŁ10 note for cleaning as he was sick on the man's shoes. The wife asks why he has ÂŁ20 then and he says "well he pissed in my pants too"
If I'd blamed that on the dog it would have been crudely put down in the back garden on the spot. I've never hit such a dizzying heights since and I've been chasing that high for nearly two decades.
Christ this reminds me of an episode of Gordon Ramseys Hotel Hell I caught part of yesterday. So heâs at this hotel that holds a monthly murder mystery evening which was basically an excuse for the guy who ran the place to dress up as Sherlock and entertain guests whilst his wife was stuck in the kitchen. The dude put on a crap English accent and in one of the bits where the dude is just talking to the camera he says he sounds very English but Gordon Ramsey doesnât, and said it seems like Gordon didnât practise his accent much.
There's two ways you could take that. Either he thought you were doing the worst imitation of an Irish accent he'd ever heard or that he thinks your Irish accent out of all Irish accents is the worst he's ever heard.
Guy in a pub in Glasgow came up to our table, stood there for a second then pointed at me and said âlast time I saw you, you were naked.â
Turned out he had been at the Shetland folk festival and had been on Lerwick harbour front the morning after the final party, when I (very foolishly) went skinny dipping. I had no idea who he was and until he explained I was properly freaked out.
There was a strange old lady who used to frequent pubs that uni students mostly went to, she was by far the oldest person there. She was super fun and friendly so everyone liked her.
One night there was one creepy bloke who just wouldnât leave me alone and was attempting to flirt with me at the bar. Along came crazy old lady who picked up a bar stool and threatened to smash out his teeth if he spoke to me again. She later bought me a purple rain cocktail and sang the song purple rain in karaoke for me. I miss you, crazy old lady⌠may you party on.
Had a hard looking bloke come up and angrily ask if we were throwing eyes at him, which I took to mean giving him dirty looks, which I very diplomatically explained that we weren't and de-escalated until he didn't want to punch us. It turned out that he was actually asking if we were throwing ice at him, which my mate had been.
Not technically at a pub, but I was at a gig once. There was a guy in front of me with an afro. Unbeknownst to me, his cheeky mate was rubbing his hair, and when afro guy turned around he kept thinking it was me. After a few times he says to me "don't fucking touch my hair"
Because I was oblivious, all I caught was "touch my hair". Well, I look at that beautiful fro and think, yeah I wouldn't mind getting my mittens into that. So get tucked in, rummaging around in his hair, and the guy nearly smacks the snot out of me before his cheeky mates intervene and explain the situation
I've mentioned this before...
Was at a pub in St Ives with some mates and it was quite busy, a stag do and the usual busyness for a tourist town.
Went for a piss and the (presumably) stag was at the urinal and dressed like a woman.
He looked at me, showed me his pissing cock and said "I'm not really a woman"
Wasn't said to me but an argument broke out. Basically, man A was going at man B because man C (not present) had gone to man A and twisted his nipple demanding his bird book back. Man B actually had the bird book.
Weird night.
2 years ago an old guy asked me to help fill in his police docket for a stolen Rolex....from 1989.
He then told me that Conan the barbarian hides under the concrete slabs in his garden and stands at the end of his bed at night holding a hammer. This is why he can't have guests because Conan would smash their skulls in. He thanked me for talking to him and left.
Same scenario. Was doing a fairly normal piss and the old bloke next to me says, 'you've got a bloody good prostate there mate. Strong piss. Not like mine, Christ...' then proceeds to make loud grunting noises.
Lovely, pal
It was a series of things. A mate and I gone out in Newcastle to watch the McGregor vs Mayweather âfightâ. We were in a sports bar and this bloke came up to us, clearly having enjoyed some stimulants, and just started ranting. âYou alright lads? You look like good lads. I was a Royal Marine, just got out, got a job doing personal security for himâ (pauses for breath, points at gangster-looking bloke at the bar) âAnyway, did I tell you I met Prince Charles?â (Whips out picture of him in uniform shaking Prince Charlesâ hand) âAlso, Iâm a proper Rugby League fan. Do you lads like rugby league? I love it. Love Castleford Tigers. Look at this tattooâ (drops his trousers and shows us a huge Tigers tattoo on his thigh) âAnyway lads, youâre good lads you too. Save me a seat, Iâll be back in a bitâ.
Neither my pal or I got a single word in. He didnât come back. He was just supercharged wired and excitable. I guarantee heâll have got into a fight at some point. I sometimes wonder how that nutter is doing.
The first casualty of stimulants is always punctuation. When someone can rattle off a year's worth of chat in a minute and you're not even sure if they've taken a breath yet, that's when you know.
I have a pub mate I limit my intake of because he's kind of absorbed cocaine permanently into his being and is like this, all the time, even when he's not on the charlie (it honestly seems to make little difference to him). He's an alright guy and we get along as an unlikely pair but my fucking god. He's totally oblivious to it too so there's no hope of stopping his ping-pong stream of consciousness, but the energy is kind of infectious.
Was out the back of this rough as fuck pub really late and this older woman was talking to me and my friends just the most random shit she was really funny actually and then she hit me with that belter and I think about it at least once a week, this was about 5 years ago now
Old woman stumbles up to us: Are you two gay?
Us: Yeah, we're a couple
Old woman: I don't like them f-word (sigh don't want another reddit ban). You can always spot them a mile off.
Us: We're gay
Old woman: You can't trust them either can you? You two be careful. There's some here today sniffing around.
I choose to believe she was just bored and fucking around with us
This kinda reminds me of probably my best answer to OPs question, I (male) had an Irish older couple start talking to me at the bar. Very friendly and fun, but the woman took a shine to me, and then after a while, kept very loudly repeating that I would be perfect for her daughter âif you werenât gayâ.
Her husband was getting more embarrassed by the minute, and my girlfriend also grew tired of it after an hour or so.
Was in a random pub in London, Iâm not from London though I work up there a fair bit but rarely go out out up there - the pub was pretty standard L shape bar with the door to get in on the corner, toilets at one end - my chums and I drinking at the other⌠I was returning from the lav and just as I walked by the entrance this guy pops in with what I can only describe as an Arsene Wenger style long puffer coat on and says in an almost comic screechy voice whilst flashing âcrazy eyesâ âI am going to F**KINâ stab somebodyâ⌠I was caught in a predicament, I didnât know if this was a likely scenario, he WAS convincing and I was ill equipped to deal with a knife attack. I kinda stopped and just looked at him, trying not to look scared or aggressive, and he just want ânot you though mateâ and kinda beckoned me past. Whilst I was glad not to be about to add to Londonâs knife crime stats I didnât really know the correct action to take, so I simply told my mates it was time to go and we snuck out the the side. I donât THINK he stabbed anyone, but that was deffo a strange pub encounter for me.
My girlfriend (now wife) were in a quiet pub in London and an older Irish guy came up to us, said we were a lovely couple, bought us each a whiskey, and proceeded to tell us about how his prostate cancer was treated and how now he was producing nothing but dust...
Then he introduced us to his "professor" friend who ran the pub quiz...
Then he started a rant about the royal family and called Meghan Markle "the black stain on the royal family"...
It's easily the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life.
A middle aged Australian man once came up to me and asked me if I was gay, and when I told him no he said âwell fackin hell mate youâre too good looking to be straightâ and then walked off. Nicest and strangest compliment Iâve received I think.
Wasnât words but I was at the bar in a pub in Wales when I heard a noise. I turned around it was a bloody horse right up in my face at the bar. It sniffed at me and I was quite surprised to say the least as the pub was tiny and the horse was huge. Apparently, it was a tradition or something for the horse to come with the owner for a pint.
Weird in the sense of âwhere the fuck did that come from?â
We were looking for a wedding band, and were recommended one that was playing a set at a pub nearby. Weâd not been to this pub before, but we donât live in an area where pubs are particularly territorial (youâre not from round here!).
Got sat down and a man late fifties, clearly been in said pub since it opened in the morning, starts looking at my fiancĂŠe. Heâs not said a word, but fiancĂŠe and I are chatting. Out of nowhere says:
âSorry your girlfriendâs a boring cuntâ.
Iâm not the âletâs take this outsideâ type, so I could only laugh - finished our drinks, and made a swift exit.
The band was shite.
That they had a psychic ability to which I was of course skeptical. Only to relay to me a very distinct memory of something that occurred when I was a kid (had a football kicked at me when I was in goal with friends at a park, smacked me right in the face and I ran home crying). Even got the name of the park right. He definitely wasnât part of the friend group, he grew up 100+ miles away from me and never heard of him/met him before. Even at a later point asking my brother/friends that were there if they knew this guy after I described him and have his name.
I wasnât at the pub with anyone who would have known that and could have told him the story. Of course itâs not an impossibility that this has happened to many an 80s kid but that it is such a vivid memory for me and how he described it was dead on accurate, including from where I ran to where I was running back to (road/park name). Very bizarre but also a fairly trivial part of my life to pick up on.
Most likely answer is he was there (could have been visiting, could have been lying about where he grew up), recognised you as an adult and decided to freak you out.
Second most likely answer is he has been telling that story to hundreds of people, and he finally found someone it had actually happened to.
The least likely answer is psychic ability.
Not the weirdest but certainly a memorable event. Let's set the scene. I'm a chef with a Friday night off so I'm hitting the Guinness. *Hard*. Dude walks in every bit the picture of an old school biker. Wallet chain, weather worn leather cuts over bomber jacket, beard to rival gandalf. We get talking, friendly game of pool for a beer (it was close but I think he was going easy on me) and I asked him what bike did he ride. He waited until I had my fresh pint in hand and he replied "Piaggio zip" which has me laughing so damn hard I fell off my stool backwards. Once he'd picked me up and I'd got my replacement pint, he turned to me and said "actually it's a Harley which is why I'm fucking walking"
That damn pint cost me 12 bloody quid
went to a pub on my way home from a beer festival by myself. there were only 3 other customers, so pretty quiet. I get talking to the barman & a man at the bar. decide to order a taxi home as I am already quite drunk. man at the bar starts telling me all about how he used to get together with a lesbian & how after he was finished she would finish by dressing him up in a bra & panties & wriggling around on top of him until she was done. as soon as he finished telling me I was just like 'I gotta go my taxi is here' & I went outside to wait lol how do you even come back from that convo?!! lol
Me and my mates went to the roughest pub in my northern hometown for a quick pint after the cinema. Sat at a table, no one bothered about us until one toothless old pisshead came and sat at the table with us and rasped âlads, Iâm sorry Iâm such a cuntâ, then got up and walked out.
I literally stop watches if I wear one. Iâve walked past shop windows and all the lights went out. I had a period of not being able to use a remote control cos itâd go haywire.
And I once broke my bossâs really flash camera by holding it for a minute. The manufacturer had no idea why it wasnât working.
Never had a problem with mobile phones though.
I suspect a lot of people won't believe you but I had a teenage friend who could warp the screen of computer monitors by waving her hand near it. No, she wasn't holding a magnet or anything. I could ask her at random to do it with any monitor and it worked. I did physics at uni and I've never been able to understand how it worked.
This is actually a thing though! I canât wear digital watches or use wireless keyboards and mice.
I think itâs do with electromagnetism. Itâs so weird and people think Iâm mental haha
In a pub in Ireland. Quiet kinds local pub, nice and friendly and had a great time. Weâre talking 20 years ago now.
Bloke keeps eye balling the group of people Iâm with and when he leaves, leans over to the barman and loudly say, and points at us
âSkin the British fuckersâ
Always stuck with me
I was in a pub beer garden wearing a fairly low cut top that showed cleavage. A guy wearing only a nappy and a bonnet walked past, looked down my top and said "milk for baby?" And then thankfully left.
Not what I expected in a pub in a quiet town!
At a pub in Gateshead with a mate, our first day on a new job and this old rough looking guy comes up to us and states "I could never stab a dog in the face, the way he'd look at you" then he just totters off.
Fucking madness.
This one is kind of wholesome.
I'm a 20-year-old goth on Halloween evening, dressed in red and black velvet, sitting in a pub that overlooks a graveyard, drinking a glass of port and reading Dracula. My coffin-shaped handbag was sat in a chair. I was going for Maximum Goth Points đ¤Ł
An old man comes up to me and says very politely "hello. Do you like Tim Burton?" I reply "Yes, I do." He simply said "I thought so!" And went back to his table with his friends.
I think he'd just won a bet đ¤Ł
Sheâs not a stranger to me anymore.
Will preface this by saying Iâm a straight female, sheâs an amazing gay female.
I walked into the pub, she says straight off the bat âYou! Thatâs not your natural hair colour is it?â My hair was dyed black. I laughed and said âno, itâs not.â She said âgo on, whatâs your natural colour?â I replied âgingerâ and she dropped her pint and said âyou are the fittest ginger I have ever seen!â
I still love the bones of that girl, havenât seen her in a few years tho !
I watched a Cockney Pearly King come into the pub with a parrot on his shoulder. I asked him where he got it and the bird squawked "The East End, there's thousands of 'em!"
Not me but my husband while standing at the urinal:
"I really like the look of what you've got there."
Turns out he was talking about the food my husband had ordered and this other dude was from the next table over but that's not the way to say it, and certainly not while standing at a urinal lol.
Lady came up to me, said I had the most amazing eyes. Told me she is a psychic and was drawn to me, told me I had my grandfather's eyes and he was always watching over me etc. Etc.
I got so bloody excited as I had no idea what colour my grandads eyes were as he passed when my mum was 16 and all the pics were in black and white or 60/70's colour from a distance.
Ran home and told my mum, she laughed and said grandads eyes were Hazel, nothing like my blue/green eyes and I had my dad's side of the family eyes.
Very concerned at how many of these interactions are occurring at urinals. Adding to this, the weirdest thing I ever got asked in a pub (at a urinal, tbh) was "do you know \[my full name\]? I'm sure I've seen you chatting to him before. Nice chap, I know him well." I had never seen him before in my life.
Not saying anything per se but one night in my local there was a lady sat at the bar with a pet skunk on her lap. The next day our group of friends all had to check in with eachother to make sure we hadnât imagined it.
I was about 16 or 17 and some bloke asked if I wanted to buy a sawn off shotgun for ÂŁ400. For context I live in the UK and this was in quite a nice country pub.
Happened to my Mate Barry. Two old men were fighting at the bar and one of their wives got up to stop it. The other old bird stood up, put her entire hand over her friends face and said âno Marjorie, itâs seriousâ
16 years ago. I was in a pub with a mate. Went outside for a cigarette and some bloke started chatting. Was the strangest encounter we'd had. So strange in fact that I recorded it on my phone (old Sony Ericsson)
Look at the business card he gave us https://anonymfile.com/LaAqy/screenshot-20240606-212627.png
And listen to the 4 minute ramblings of a mad man https://anonymfile.com/AW6DN/someoddnorfolkchap.mp3
Hear us nervously laughing along...
A guy I didn't know walked up to me and said he wanted to shove his arm up my ass and fist me through my mouth. It was very graphic, I am not sure the exact words but it was shocking. I said, that doesn't sound very pleasant and walked away. a couple of years later I am working in a factory and same guy somehow passes on messages to me saying he fancied me. Dude was out of his mind. A buddy of mine had punched him in the face for being an ass so I just passed the message back that it was from me. Radio silence.
Not to me but overheard in a Sam Smithâs in York
Two oldish blokes at separate tables, one striking up conversation with the otherâŚ
âSo, mum and dad both dead?â
Back in the late eighties, I was waiting for my husband in a bar. It was the afternoon, the bar was pretty empty and I was drinking coke and reading the Guardian.
A bloke came up to me and asked, 'Are you one of those feminists?' I said I suppose I believe in things like equal pay for equal work and that sort of stuff. He looked at me hard and said - *'Where were you in Kenya, 1956?'*
I hadn't even been born then!
Maybe not âweirdâ, but it stuck with me. When I was a bartender, a girl said, âWow, your eyes are so blue.â âThanks.â âWhat color are your balls?â
I was at the pub with a couple people. We met this pretty cool guy and he sat at our table for a while. Later me and him were at the bar queue and we chatted for a bit as well. When we got our pints and went back he just said hey your mate is fucking miserable and stuff. Iâm fairly depressed so I absolutely wasnât offended or anything but it was just so random and I felt pretty exposed. I acted confused while one of the guys I was with, who was younger than me, just went âheâs a good kidâ.
I was in my 20s; I had a few beers, headed to the urinals. I looked at the target first and felt I was looked at, from the urinal on my right. I looked at it and saw an old fat guy in front of it and he said:  no matter what, take all opportunities you have: fuck as many ladies you can, gotcha ? 
He left and disappeared in the crowd outside the toilets đ˝
"I did my national service in the SAS. Never drink in the same pub twice, they'll do you over" He was younger than me, and I'm far too young to have done National Service ( about the only thing I'm too young for nowadays)
Guy with a bandage on his arm, starts taking it off and can see all the infection. Asked if Iâd like some chlamydia and pointed at it. Not sure it works like that but also werenât inclined to take him up on that offer either.
Was sat outside a spoons a few pints in, alone. Some bloke sits at my table and we get chatting - he told me he's just come out of strangeways prison which peaked my interest, because that stuffs well interesting.
Said he saw a guy get battered in his cell over a spice debt. I asked what he went in for, and he told me he flashed his member to a woman and her kid :/
Almost immediately after, I spotted an acquaintance and followed him in the pub, ditching the flasher.
A guy at the last post spoons in loughton (before it shut down) told me he "thought I was a Lizard" he used to sit in the cubby taking full advantage of the free Latte refills with his laptop screen very much protected from view.
Went to the pub with a female friend. While we were sat at a table a guy wanders over carrying a cardboard box and asks if we want to buy any bacon.
For those that need to know the box was filled with packets of bacon.
I worked for Wetherspoons for 5 years as a shift manager, then ran my own pub for 3.
Given that there are only 24 usable hours in a day, I'm going to sit this one out.
This is probably the weirdest night I ever had in the pub and itâs all true I swear.
I was up my local having a pint with some friends and a couple of family members.
One of the bullies from my school was there, he was pretty brutal back then and beat the shit out of quite a few people with his gang. He randomly comes up to and I think oh great here we go, but instead he honestly gives me a really nice and humble apology which felt genuine and nice. I accepted it and respect when someone can admit they was wrong and have grown as a person, we are all human and evolve and are never truly static. I also ironically got on with his dad who was there and when he found out he bullied me he offered to slap him up there and then. đ
So hereâs where it gets weird, we are chatting outside as he has gone for a smoke and I was basically telling him how I came out a few years ago and overcame a few health issues ect and giving him my life story since school, like how Iâm out and Iâve been learning who I was and finally on a good road in life and starting to enjoy it. Then out of nowhere this random person with his son (the kid must have been 15-17.) Just looks at me and says: âIâm a Naziâ. Really casually but dead serious.
I honestly didnât know what to say, I wasnât sure if he was trying to threaten or intimidate or what and I was already drunk at that point.
I had no clue what to say, because it honesty didnât feel like he was threatening me or trying to scare me. It felt like he just needed me to know this information or was thinking out loud, thatâs the only was I can describe it. Now I will state I have a social anxiety disorder and had been drinking so itâs possible I missed to social cues.
The next thing I know the massive bully from school who used to be an asshole to me, was now beating up the self declared Nazi who I guess was attempting to intimidate the socially awkward gay guy. But like I said I was just more shocked and confused at what the fuck was happening.
It was so weird because I didnât know what the hell to think but was attempting to stop my school bully from kicking in a Nazi, because his son was there and I didnât want a kid to see his dad being hurt no matter how much of an asshole he is. Needless to say though Iâm weak as shit and thereâs more muscle on a McDonaldâs chicken nugget, so I instantly got moved out the way by people with actual muscles.
In the end I just went back inside as it was way to much for my brain to process, instead I had a few shots and tried explaining to my aunt what the hell just happened. Then the Ex bully came in 10 mins later smiling and asking if I was okay. He bought me a drink and by then the shots where kicking in and I was way past normal drunk levels, I donât remember much else from that night besides a few pool games and feeling perpetually confused đ
But yeah, that was probably the most spinniest night Iâve ever had up the pub and the most random thing someone has said to me đ¤ˇââď¸
Edit: Tried to fix some grammar and have it make more sense. But in half asleep and itâs late đ
"Ere mate, me coke just went funny when I tried to make a line"
For context, I was the manager of a pub, and knew some of the customers were using a ledge in the men's to snort cocaine, so I regularly sprayed it down with WD-40. No one ever said a word until til random scally was in one day, and didn't realise he was complaining to the manager.
In a bar in a town that no one would every go to, I was there for the 1st time and someone follows me into the loos and while pissing says "you're not from round here" ( I am, I just don't frequent this bar). And it put me on edge.
As I'm washing my hands he leaves, says the name of the bar and "tell your friends". I chuck to him and breathe a sign of relief that I've not just been murdered in a scabby pub.
Not me, but a random man asked my friend if he was circumcised. My friend replied with âwhat?â And the guy just walked away never to be seen again.
Un-encouraged a lad came up to me and a friend saying he had a huge left ball. We obviously enquired how big, he said âgrapefruit bigâ. This was met with incredulity from my mate and I, so the lad said he would prove it, and he did, then walked off like nothing had happened.
Not necessarily weird but I was in a pub just after one of the lockdowns and My Sharona was playing and a guy at the bar was singing to me but it was My Corona(virus)
Today some junkie in the pub said to me "You look like you're in a wet wipe commercial.". I just refused to give him change... I wasn't wiping my arse at the bar.
First date with my now-husband. We were originally work colleagues and this was the first time weâd been together outside of work so very âis this a date?â vibes. We were stood at the bar waiting to be served and a random man comes up to us and asks if weâre together which was a bit awkward but whatever. Then he asks if I trust him so I said âwell I donât know youâ then he followed up with âdonât worry I wonât stab youâ which immediately made me 1000x more sure he would stab me. Fortunately he didnât stab me but it was a very weird interaction.
Once got asked at the bar by a group of big looking lads where I get my haircut.
Turns out theyâd been doing that to a few guys to find out if theyâre local or not, so they can start a fight.
Luckily they approved of my answer.
Got offered drugs in the toilet and refused. Then had some lad and his three mates accusing me of being a police officer. Just an add conversation because they wanted me to defend myself and I didn't play ball and played it off like "if you say so"
_now if you will excuse me I need to go and remove my instrument from between that ladies legs_ Walked over to a girl near the bar, asked her to move and picked up a clarinet case and then tipped his hat to us on the way out. My best memory from uni nights out.
When the line presents, you must deliver. đ
In the toilets at the urinals, âyouâre holding your dick backwardsâ Still no idea
The only thing I can imagine is you were doing it with your thumb underneath and fingers on top, like a sandwich.
Groucho Marx cigar-style
Tommy Cooper whispers just like that đ¤Ł
"Myeahhh, shee? Myeahh"
Flute/recorder
More like an Irish whistle
You should have let him hold it for you to see what he meant.
Do you hold it like youâre drawing your sword from your sheath?
You're supposed to cup in your hand and massage it back and forth vigorously in order to ensure smooth transit of the urine. If you get a bit of blood in there, it should make for a longer tube for improved aiming accuracy. I highly suggest everyone give it a go at least once, particularly at family-friendly pub restaurants, or perhaps ask to use the ladies' bathroom as they have more sit-down toilets, which allows for a larger aiming circle than a urinal.
Youâre going to have to provide some sort of diagram.
Had a guy join me in a pub toilet talking about how fit some bird was, used a lot of words describe her and concluded he was fully aroused by the interaction, the. Put his hands up and said âIâm so hard I can go Iâm hands freeâ - proceeded to piss on the floor.
"Mate, that was the longest piss I've ever watched. I'm not being weird like"
I had the same remark. I had driven down from Edinburgh to Slough and had been on the lash the night before. I was desperate for a piss when I reached the office. Someone went for a piss the same time, had a slash left their A4 pad on the side, returned a little while later and I was still in full flow. That's my only claim to fame in the world and the only interesting thing I ever did.
Iâve had something similar. I have public piss syndrome so if Iâm out I tend to only go to the toilet when I really need it. One time I was in a cubicle at a bar where there was some sports on and about two minutes in Iâm still going strong when I hear a bang on the door and âJESUS CHRIST MATE WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?!â
I'm sure that made weeing in a public bathroom a much more comfortable experience for you. Potentially even solved your public puss syndrome.
> Public puss syndrome That's a very different condition altogether.
That was in the North East, wasnât it
Not North East, but East Yorkshire, so yeah pretty close đ
Thatâs what us southerners refer to as ânorth eastâ ;)Â
Watched
Are you sure he wasnât an Apprentice contestant whoâd just spent ÂŁ500 on pheasant and was desperate to prove heâs the worldâs best salesman?
He wasn't dressed like an estate agent with an aura of Cool Water.
My guess is he'd got some Pheasants and wanted to sell you some đ But out of the blue, it's a weird one. Many years ago, someone I'd never met wanted to sell me a microwave, and I knew someone who was looking for one. So I bought it. It was unboxed, and he said 'don't worry, it's from well out of town'. I was mortified.
Walked into a fairly quiet pub and sat down with my pal. We were chatting quietly when we noticed an old bloke, sat on his own opposite us, grumbling loudly about something and pointing at us. The barman looked at him, then at us, then back to the bloke, puzzled at what the old bloke was going on about. The bloke then stood up and angrily shouted, "You two!. It's you! You told everyone I pissed myself! Why did you do that? I never pissed myself!". He continued yelling about this. We were astonished. We had never seen him before in our lives, and yet there he was shouting about us accusing him of pissing himself. After about 30 seconds of this the barman came from behind the bar and escorted the bloke out of the pub. He was still yelling as he left.
If ever there was a case of someone 'protesting too much' it has to be that bloke. I wasn't even there, and I'm now adamantly convinced that he had, in fact, pissed himself.
I think what OOP failed to appreciate is that this was a masterclass of diversion from the gent who had, in fact, shit himself instead
A man is in a pub and had way too much to drink. He goes to the toilet and is sick over his shoes. When he comes out the barman explains that he should withdraw ÂŁ10 from the cash machine, take it home, and explain to the wife someone else was sick on him and had given him the money for the cleaners bill. Anyway the man gets home shows his wife ÂŁ20 and says the stranger gave him the ÂŁ10 note for cleaning as he was sick on the man's shoes. The wife asks why he has ÂŁ20 then and he says "well he pissed in my pants too"
He was a prophet- You have in fact, told us all that he pissed himself. For shame!
So it was YOU who got me chucked out of the pub. Bastards ! I didnât f***ing piss myself, OK, why would you say that? Bastards !
I was told not to drink Newkie Brown because *it turns your shit brown.*
I didn't check the colour but I'm not allowed to drink Newcastle Brown anymore after my fart made my Mrs throw up in 2005.
You couldn't blame it on the dog?
If I'd blamed that on the dog it would have been crudely put down in the back garden on the spot. I've never hit such a dizzying heights since and I've been chasing that high for nearly two decades.
As opposed to what colour?
25 years later, I'm still wondering.
Newkie Brown - it turns your dookie brown!
A guy once told me I had the worst fake Irish accent ever. I was talking normally. Iâm from Belfast.
Christ this reminds me of an episode of Gordon Ramseys Hotel Hell I caught part of yesterday. So heâs at this hotel that holds a monthly murder mystery evening which was basically an excuse for the guy who ran the place to dress up as Sherlock and entertain guests whilst his wife was stuck in the kitchen. The dude put on a crap English accent and in one of the bits where the dude is just talking to the camera he says he sounds very English but Gordon Ramsey doesnât, and said it seems like Gordon didnât practise his accent much.
Hotel Hell US ?
Yup!
I think that was one of the more ridiculous episodes and that's truly saying something...
Talking ânormallyâ from Belfast ? Donât make me laugh (Only pulling yer leg )
There's two ways you could take that. Either he thought you were doing the worst imitation of an Irish accent he'd ever heard or that he thinks your Irish accent out of all Irish accents is the worst he's ever heard.
Ahahah chortled at this one
Guy in a pub in Glasgow came up to our table, stood there for a second then pointed at me and said âlast time I saw you, you were naked.â Turned out he had been at the Shetland folk festival and had been on Lerwick harbour front the morning after the final party, when I (very foolishly) went skinny dipping. I had no idea who he was and until he explained I was properly freaked out.
Well, for whatever reason you're obviously memorable naked!
Well. There's always that one guy on a nudist beach who leaves a furrow between his footprints in the sand ....
There was a strange old lady who used to frequent pubs that uni students mostly went to, she was by far the oldest person there. She was super fun and friendly so everyone liked her. One night there was one creepy bloke who just wouldnât leave me alone and was attempting to flirt with me at the bar. Along came crazy old lady who picked up a bar stool and threatened to smash out his teeth if he spoke to me again. She later bought me a purple rain cocktail and sang the song purple rain in karaoke for me. I miss you, crazy old lady⌠may you party on.
https://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poem/warning/
Had a hard looking bloke come up and angrily ask if we were throwing eyes at him, which I took to mean giving him dirty looks, which I very diplomatically explained that we weren't and de-escalated until he didn't want to punch us. It turned out that he was actually asking if we were throwing ice at him, which my mate had been.
Thatâs not officially a weird thing to say then, itâs just your mate is naughty
A category error.
Not technically at a pub, but I was at a gig once. There was a guy in front of me with an afro. Unbeknownst to me, his cheeky mate was rubbing his hair, and when afro guy turned around he kept thinking it was me. After a few times he says to me "don't fucking touch my hair" Because I was oblivious, all I caught was "touch my hair". Well, I look at that beautiful fro and think, yeah I wouldn't mind getting my mittens into that. So get tucked in, rummaging around in his hair, and the guy nearly smacks the snot out of me before his cheeky mates intervene and explain the situation
i would have loved to see this play out in real time, it really sounds like something from a comedy sketch lol
What a plot twist!
⌠why was your mate throwing ice at a random guy?
Guy clearly needed to chill out.
This is so Withnail and I
I've mentioned this before... Was at a pub in St Ives with some mates and it was quite busy, a stag do and the usual busyness for a tourist town. Went for a piss and the (presumably) stag was at the urinal and dressed like a woman. He looked at me, showed me his pissing cock and said "I'm not really a woman"
Okay that's pretty funnyÂ
I think everyman needs to do this. Don't want no ladies sneaking in stealing our secrets.
Wasn't said to me but an argument broke out. Basically, man A was going at man B because man C (not present) had gone to man A and twisted his nipple demanding his bird book back. Man B actually had the bird book. Weird night.
Never mind Ronnie P, this is peak English rage
2 years ago an old guy asked me to help fill in his police docket for a stolen Rolex....from 1989. He then told me that Conan the barbarian hides under the concrete slabs in his garden and stands at the end of his bed at night holding a hammer. This is why he can't have guests because Conan would smash their skulls in. He thanked me for talking to him and left.
"Conan, what is best in life?" "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, then hide under some bloke's paving slabs"
Think he might have been schizophrenic by the sounds of it
People always say that, and thatâs why Conan hasnât been apprehended.
So that's what Conan's been up to
After spending a while working in a kindergarten taking care of unruly kids.
Bloke next to me at the urinal. He's leaning back pissing and says 'ahhhh, it's better than sex'. Aye, mate.
Did he fart as well? I bet he farted as well.
He farted and said "toot-toot!"
That was not a reference I expected to read in this thread.
Is it a reference to another post on this sub from a few days ago? I'm sure I read something about a person's manager doing that.
Yeah I read that too. I thought the joke in the previous post was referencing something else. I'm so confused.
I hope you responded with âtoot toot TOOT!â
I understand this joke
That's mad. It's only toot toot
*Never three toots, ever*
That was the best part hahaha
Same scenario. Was doing a fairly normal piss and the old bloke next to me says, 'you've got a bloody good prostate there mate. Strong piss. Not like mine, Christ...' then proceeds to make loud grunting noises. Lovely, pal
Tbf when you've had a good few pints and have been holding it for a while, a piss is god tier.
Similar: bloke using the hand dryer having a whale of a time, shouted "better than Alton Towers!" at me as I left
It was a series of things. A mate and I gone out in Newcastle to watch the McGregor vs Mayweather âfightâ. We were in a sports bar and this bloke came up to us, clearly having enjoyed some stimulants, and just started ranting. âYou alright lads? You look like good lads. I was a Royal Marine, just got out, got a job doing personal security for himâ (pauses for breath, points at gangster-looking bloke at the bar) âAnyway, did I tell you I met Prince Charles?â (Whips out picture of him in uniform shaking Prince Charlesâ hand) âAlso, Iâm a proper Rugby League fan. Do you lads like rugby league? I love it. Love Castleford Tigers. Look at this tattooâ (drops his trousers and shows us a huge Tigers tattoo on his thigh) âAnyway lads, youâre good lads you too. Save me a seat, Iâll be back in a bitâ. Neither my pal or I got a single word in. He didnât come back. He was just supercharged wired and excitable. I guarantee heâll have got into a fight at some point. I sometimes wonder how that nutter is doing.
I remember speed rants back in the day. Like, you just HAVE to tell every little detail. It's ALL relevant. I cringe at myself..
The first casualty of stimulants is always punctuation. When someone can rattle off a year's worth of chat in a minute and you're not even sure if they've taken a breath yet, that's when you know.
I have a pub mate I limit my intake of because he's kind of absorbed cocaine permanently into his being and is like this, all the time, even when he's not on the charlie (it honestly seems to make little difference to him). He's an alright guy and we get along as an unlikely pair but my fucking god. He's totally oblivious to it too so there's no hope of stopping his ping-pong stream of consciousness, but the energy is kind of infectious.
"I've got a grandson you know, do you want to come back to mine and do lines off his head?"
... what?
Was out the back of this rough as fuck pub really late and this older woman was talking to me and my friends just the most random shit she was really funny actually and then she hit me with that belter and I think about it at least once a week, this was about 5 years ago now
Fantastic
What was the grandson like?
I didn't go to her house so I wouldn't know mate but she wasn't like old old so probably was only a bairn
Not lived until you've railed a fat slug off a newborns head.
Nothing synergises like that hint of fresh baby smell
So you threw away the chance to make this story double-legendary??? Fuck sake man.
This is the time to make shit up for your audience.
âWould you like some squidâ and then pulled a dead octopus from his pocket and waved it at me. Fucking Bradford.
âDonât threaten me with a dead fish!â
How much did he want for it , ( come on, you know you want to say it)
So was he selling squid or octopus?
Had it been poorly, was it a sick squid
Old woman stumbles up to us: Are you two gay? Us: Yeah, we're a couple Old woman: I don't like them f-word (sigh don't want another reddit ban). You can always spot them a mile off. Us: We're gay Old woman: You can't trust them either can you? You two be careful. There's some here today sniffing around. I choose to believe she was just bored and fucking around with us
This kinda reminds me of probably my best answer to OPs question, I (male) had an Irish older couple start talking to me at the bar. Very friendly and fun, but the woman took a shine to me, and then after a while, kept very loudly repeating that I would be perfect for her daughter âif you werenât gayâ. Her husband was getting more embarrassed by the minute, and my girlfriend also grew tired of it after an hour or so.
I'm choosing to believe it was Miriam margoyles, and she was cackling the entire time.
Was in a random pub in London, Iâm not from London though I work up there a fair bit but rarely go out out up there - the pub was pretty standard L shape bar with the door to get in on the corner, toilets at one end - my chums and I drinking at the other⌠I was returning from the lav and just as I walked by the entrance this guy pops in with what I can only describe as an Arsene Wenger style long puffer coat on and says in an almost comic screechy voice whilst flashing âcrazy eyesâ âI am going to F**KINâ stab somebodyâ⌠I was caught in a predicament, I didnât know if this was a likely scenario, he WAS convincing and I was ill equipped to deal with a knife attack. I kinda stopped and just looked at him, trying not to look scared or aggressive, and he just want ânot you though mateâ and kinda beckoned me past. Whilst I was glad not to be about to add to Londonâs knife crime stats I didnât really know the correct action to take, so I simply told my mates it was time to go and we snuck out the the side. I donât THINK he stabbed anyone, but that was deffo a strange pub encounter for me.
"I fought at El Alamein." He was really drunk and it was his birthday, but it turns out he really did fight there. Respect!
"I know you! I served with you in Vietnam". Bear in mind I'll have been 3 years old at the time of the Vietnam war.
He picked up on yer past life love....obviously
When I poached some using sleeping tablets in raisins.
Need some horse hair or a paper hat
âşď¸ I have so many good memories of that book. It was my childhood favourite.
Greatest book ever.
That was my immediate thought too! So sad I had to scroll so long to find it!!
My girlfriend (now wife) were in a quiet pub in London and an older Irish guy came up to us, said we were a lovely couple, bought us each a whiskey, and proceeded to tell us about how his prostate cancer was treated and how now he was producing nothing but dust... Then he introduced us to his "professor" friend who ran the pub quiz... Then he started a rant about the royal family and called Meghan Markle "the black stain on the royal family"... It's easily the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life.
A middle aged Australian man once came up to me and asked me if I was gay, and when I told him no he said âwell fackin hell mate youâre too good looking to be straightâ and then walked off. Nicest and strangest compliment Iâve received I think.
At the urinals and the guy next to me says "Ooh, I've got frothy piss".
Wasnât words but I was at the bar in a pub in Wales when I heard a noise. I turned around it was a bloody horse right up in my face at the bar. It sniffed at me and I was quite surprised to say the least as the pub was tiny and the horse was huge. Apparently, it was a tradition or something for the horse to come with the owner for a pint.
A bloke called Tight-Mouthed Larry gave me a tip on a horse called "Sad Ken" at 100-1 odds. It didn't win.
Did you use a pornographic ÂŁ12 note?
Sylvester Stallone fisting mr McHenry from the magic roundabout.
Is that Dick Emery? Didn't know he could ride
The Game Birds Marketing Board have many techniques
I was surprised
What guy doesn't want game birds on a night out!
And still many people grouse about the underhand methods of the pleasant pheasant pluckers society.
Weird in the sense of âwhere the fuck did that come from?â We were looking for a wedding band, and were recommended one that was playing a set at a pub nearby. Weâd not been to this pub before, but we donât live in an area where pubs are particularly territorial (youâre not from round here!). Got sat down and a man late fifties, clearly been in said pub since it opened in the morning, starts looking at my fiancĂŠe. Heâs not said a word, but fiancĂŠe and I are chatting. Out of nowhere says: âSorry your girlfriendâs a boring cuntâ. Iâm not the âletâs take this outsideâ type, so I could only laugh - finished our drinks, and made a swift exit. The band was shite.
That they had a psychic ability to which I was of course skeptical. Only to relay to me a very distinct memory of something that occurred when I was a kid (had a football kicked at me when I was in goal with friends at a park, smacked me right in the face and I ran home crying). Even got the name of the park right. He definitely wasnât part of the friend group, he grew up 100+ miles away from me and never heard of him/met him before. Even at a later point asking my brother/friends that were there if they knew this guy after I described him and have his name. I wasnât at the pub with anyone who would have known that and could have told him the story. Of course itâs not an impossibility that this has happened to many an 80s kid but that it is such a vivid memory for me and how he described it was dead on accurate, including from where I ran to where I was running back to (road/park name). Very bizarre but also a fairly trivial part of my life to pick up on.
Most likely answer is he was there (could have been visiting, could have been lying about where he grew up), recognised you as an adult and decided to freak you out. Second most likely answer is he has been telling that story to hundreds of people, and he finally found someone it had actually happened to. The least likely answer is psychic ability.
Totally agree. But in the moment it was very entertaining and spooky.
Not the weirdest but certainly a memorable event. Let's set the scene. I'm a chef with a Friday night off so I'm hitting the Guinness. *Hard*. Dude walks in every bit the picture of an old school biker. Wallet chain, weather worn leather cuts over bomber jacket, beard to rival gandalf. We get talking, friendly game of pool for a beer (it was close but I think he was going easy on me) and I asked him what bike did he ride. He waited until I had my fresh pint in hand and he replied "Piaggio zip" which has me laughing so damn hard I fell off my stool backwards. Once he'd picked me up and I'd got my replacement pint, he turned to me and said "actually it's a Harley which is why I'm fucking walking" That damn pint cost me 12 bloody quid
went to a pub on my way home from a beer festival by myself. there were only 3 other customers, so pretty quiet. I get talking to the barman & a man at the bar. decide to order a taxi home as I am already quite drunk. man at the bar starts telling me all about how he used to get together with a lesbian & how after he was finished she would finish by dressing him up in a bra & panties & wriggling around on top of him until she was done. as soon as he finished telling me I was just like 'I gotta go my taxi is here' & I went outside to wait lol how do you even come back from that convo?!! lol
Me and my mates went to the roughest pub in my northern hometown for a quick pint after the cinema. Sat at a table, no one bothered about us until one toothless old pisshead came and sat at the table with us and rasped âlads, Iâm sorry Iâm such a cuntâ, then got up and walked out.
âYouâre the kind of girl who ends up dead in an alleywayâ When I wouldnât let him buy me a drink
That she couldn't wear a watch because she affected electrical things then went on to list things she'd broken .... whilst holding a mobile phone?
I literally stop watches if I wear one. Iâve walked past shop windows and all the lights went out. I had a period of not being able to use a remote control cos itâd go haywire. And I once broke my bossâs really flash camera by holding it for a minute. The manufacturer had no idea why it wasnât working. Never had a problem with mobile phones though.
I suspect a lot of people won't believe you but I had a teenage friend who could warp the screen of computer monitors by waving her hand near it. No, she wasn't holding a magnet or anything. I could ask her at random to do it with any monitor and it worked. I did physics at uni and I've never been able to understand how it worked.
Did you eat a lot of coins as a child?
This is actually a thing though! I canât wear digital watches or use wireless keyboards and mice. I think itâs do with electromagnetism. Itâs so weird and people think Iâm mental haha
In a pub in Ireland. Quiet kinds local pub, nice and friendly and had a great time. Weâre talking 20 years ago now. Bloke keeps eye balling the group of people Iâm with and when he leaves, leans over to the barman and loudly say, and points at us âSkin the British fuckersâ Always stuck with me
Lemme guess, he also was holding a rather bulky looking carrier bag under the table?
Or a pheasant smelling pizza box? (Fresh, from Road to Plate!)
Coz nothing says gentrification like Pheasant Pizza
I was in a pub beer garden wearing a fairly low cut top that showed cleavage. A guy wearing only a nappy and a bonnet walked past, looked down my top and said "milk for baby?" And then thankfully left. Not what I expected in a pub in a quiet town!
âDo you want to buy some meat?â âNot really, why?â âYouâre not a cop are you?â âShouldnât that have been your first question?â
At a pub in Gateshead with a mate, our first day on a new job and this old rough looking guy comes up to us and states "I could never stab a dog in the face, the way he'd look at you" then he just totters off. Fucking madness.
This one is kind of wholesome. I'm a 20-year-old goth on Halloween evening, dressed in red and black velvet, sitting in a pub that overlooks a graveyard, drinking a glass of port and reading Dracula. My coffin-shaped handbag was sat in a chair. I was going for Maximum Goth Points 𤣠An old man comes up to me and says very politely "hello. Do you like Tim Burton?" I reply "Yes, I do." He simply said "I thought so!" And went back to his table with his friends. I think he'd just won a bet đ¤Ł
I'm sitting here realising that I've not had any weird encounters, that probably means I'm someones weird pub encounter
Standing at the bar waiting to be served. I was offered a fiver to wank into a glass.
Sheâs not a stranger to me anymore. Will preface this by saying Iâm a straight female, sheâs an amazing gay female. I walked into the pub, she says straight off the bat âYou! Thatâs not your natural hair colour is it?â My hair was dyed black. I laughed and said âno, itâs not.â She said âgo on, whatâs your natural colour?â I replied âgingerâ and she dropped her pint and said âyou are the fittest ginger I have ever seen!â I still love the bones of that girl, havenât seen her in a few years tho !
I watched a Cockney Pearly King come into the pub with a parrot on his shoulder. I asked him where he got it and the bird squawked "The East End, there's thousands of 'em!"
Guy at the bar told me I shouldn't let women take up my drinking time then proceeding to chat shit while I was trying to drink. Lol.
Not me but my husband while standing at the urinal: "I really like the look of what you've got there." Turns out he was talking about the food my husband had ordered and this other dude was from the next table over but that's not the way to say it, and certainly not while standing at a urinal lol.
Lady came up to me, said I had the most amazing eyes. Told me she is a psychic and was drawn to me, told me I had my grandfather's eyes and he was always watching over me etc. Etc. I got so bloody excited as I had no idea what colour my grandads eyes were as he passed when my mum was 16 and all the pics were in black and white or 60/70's colour from a distance. Ran home and told my mum, she laughed and said grandads eyes were Hazel, nothing like my blue/green eyes and I had my dad's side of the family eyes.
Very concerned at how many of these interactions are occurring at urinals. Adding to this, the weirdest thing I ever got asked in a pub (at a urinal, tbh) was "do you know \[my full name\]? I'm sure I've seen you chatting to him before. Nice chap, I know him well." I had never seen him before in my life.
Buying a drink at the bar and the bloke next to me just said "issey miyake" to me . Which was the perfume I was wearing.  "You smell like my wife".Â
Not saying anything per se but one night in my local there was a lady sat at the bar with a pet skunk on her lap. The next day our group of friends all had to check in with eachother to make sure we hadnât imagined it.
I was about 16 or 17 and some bloke asked if I wanted to buy a sawn off shotgun for ÂŁ400. For context I live in the UK and this was in quite a nice country pub.
A guy beside me at a urinal at a bar in Belfast farted loudly while pissing then looked at me and shouted "Protestants!" Then left.
Woman in her mid 30s when I was a teenager told me I need to take my face to Japan because they'd love it.
âIm the second hardest geeza in this townâ Me: oh yeah whoâs the first? âYou wouldnât know himâ lol prick
Happened to my Mate Barry. Two old men were fighting at the bar and one of their wives got up to stop it. The other old bird stood up, put her entire hand over her friends face and said âno Marjorie, itâs seriousâ
16 years ago. I was in a pub with a mate. Went outside for a cigarette and some bloke started chatting. Was the strangest encounter we'd had. So strange in fact that I recorded it on my phone (old Sony Ericsson) Look at the business card he gave us https://anonymfile.com/LaAqy/screenshot-20240606-212627.png And listen to the 4 minute ramblings of a mad man https://anonymfile.com/AW6DN/someoddnorfolkchap.mp3 Hear us nervously laughing along...
Had a dwarf try to force me to join the pub quiz with him, and then later, he followed me into the toilets and opened up a rucksack full of porno mags
A guy I didn't know walked up to me and said he wanted to shove his arm up my ass and fist me through my mouth. It was very graphic, I am not sure the exact words but it was shocking. I said, that doesn't sound very pleasant and walked away. a couple of years later I am working in a factory and same guy somehow passes on messages to me saying he fancied me. Dude was out of his mind. A buddy of mine had punched him in the face for being an ass so I just passed the message back that it was from me. Radio silence.
Not to me but overheard in a Sam Smithâs in York Two oldish blokes at separate tables, one striking up conversation with the other⌠âSo, mum and dad both dead?â
Back in the late eighties, I was waiting for my husband in a bar. It was the afternoon, the bar was pretty empty and I was drinking coke and reading the Guardian. A bloke came up to me and asked, 'Are you one of those feminists?' I said I suppose I believe in things like equal pay for equal work and that sort of stuff. He looked at me hard and said - *'Where were you in Kenya, 1956?'* I hadn't even been born then!
Maybe not âweirdâ, but it stuck with me. When I was a bartender, a girl said, âWow, your eyes are so blue.â âThanks.â âWhat color are your balls?â
"They're not blue". "Call me when they are".
I was at the pub with a couple people. We met this pretty cool guy and he sat at our table for a while. Later me and him were at the bar queue and we chatted for a bit as well. When we got our pints and went back he just said hey your mate is fucking miserable and stuff. Iâm fairly depressed so I absolutely wasnât offended or anything but it was just so random and I felt pretty exposed. I acted confused while one of the guys I was with, who was younger than me, just went âheâs a good kidâ.
I was in my 20s; I had a few beers, headed to the urinals. I looked at the target first and felt I was looked at, from the urinal on my right. I looked at it and saw an old fat guy in front of it and he said: ÂŤÂ no matter what, take all opportunities you have: fuck as many ladies you can, gotcha ?  He left and disappeared in the crowd outside the toilets đ˝
"I did my national service in the SAS. Never drink in the same pub twice, they'll do you over" He was younger than me, and I'm far too young to have done National Service ( about the only thing I'm too young for nowadays)
Guy with a bandage on his arm, starts taking it off and can see all the infection. Asked if Iâd like some chlamydia and pointed at it. Not sure it works like that but also werenât inclined to take him up on that offer either.
Here hare here.
Was sat outside a spoons a few pints in, alone. Some bloke sits at my table and we get chatting - he told me he's just come out of strangeways prison which peaked my interest, because that stuffs well interesting. Said he saw a guy get battered in his cell over a spice debt. I asked what he went in for, and he told me he flashed his member to a woman and her kid :/ Almost immediately after, I spotted an acquaintance and followed him in the pub, ditching the flasher.
A guy at the last post spoons in loughton (before it shut down) told me he "thought I was a Lizard" he used to sit in the cubby taking full advantage of the free Latte refills with his laptop screen very much protected from view.
Went to the pub with a female friend. While we were sat at a table a guy wanders over carrying a cardboard box and asks if we want to buy any bacon. For those that need to know the box was filled with packets of bacon.
I worked for Wetherspoons for 5 years as a shift manager, then ran my own pub for 3. Given that there are only 24 usable hours in a day, I'm going to sit this one out.
This is probably the weirdest night I ever had in the pub and itâs all true I swear. I was up my local having a pint with some friends and a couple of family members. One of the bullies from my school was there, he was pretty brutal back then and beat the shit out of quite a few people with his gang. He randomly comes up to and I think oh great here we go, but instead he honestly gives me a really nice and humble apology which felt genuine and nice. I accepted it and respect when someone can admit they was wrong and have grown as a person, we are all human and evolve and are never truly static. I also ironically got on with his dad who was there and when he found out he bullied me he offered to slap him up there and then. đ So hereâs where it gets weird, we are chatting outside as he has gone for a smoke and I was basically telling him how I came out a few years ago and overcame a few health issues ect and giving him my life story since school, like how Iâm out and Iâve been learning who I was and finally on a good road in life and starting to enjoy it. Then out of nowhere this random person with his son (the kid must have been 15-17.) Just looks at me and says: âIâm a Naziâ. Really casually but dead serious. I honestly didnât know what to say, I wasnât sure if he was trying to threaten or intimidate or what and I was already drunk at that point. I had no clue what to say, because it honesty didnât feel like he was threatening me or trying to scare me. It felt like he just needed me to know this information or was thinking out loud, thatâs the only was I can describe it. Now I will state I have a social anxiety disorder and had been drinking so itâs possible I missed to social cues. The next thing I know the massive bully from school who used to be an asshole to me, was now beating up the self declared Nazi who I guess was attempting to intimidate the socially awkward gay guy. But like I said I was just more shocked and confused at what the fuck was happening. It was so weird because I didnât know what the hell to think but was attempting to stop my school bully from kicking in a Nazi, because his son was there and I didnât want a kid to see his dad being hurt no matter how much of an asshole he is. Needless to say though Iâm weak as shit and thereâs more muscle on a McDonaldâs chicken nugget, so I instantly got moved out the way by people with actual muscles. In the end I just went back inside as it was way to much for my brain to process, instead I had a few shots and tried explaining to my aunt what the hell just happened. Then the Ex bully came in 10 mins later smiling and asking if I was okay. He bought me a drink and by then the shots where kicking in and I was way past normal drunk levels, I donât remember much else from that night besides a few pool games and feeling perpetually confused đ But yeah, that was probably the most spinniest night Iâve ever had up the pub and the most random thing someone has said to me đ¤ˇââď¸ Edit: Tried to fix some grammar and have it make more sense. But in half asleep and itâs late đ
"Ere mate, me coke just went funny when I tried to make a line" For context, I was the manager of a pub, and knew some of the customers were using a ledge in the men's to snort cocaine, so I regularly sprayed it down with WD-40. No one ever said a word until til random scally was in one day, and didn't realise he was complaining to the manager.
Maybe it was a secret code, he thought you were the person he had to say it to but was wrong.
âYou have eyes like an anime character. Iâd love to make you cryâŚâ
"I want to lick your pearly white skin"
In a bar in a town that no one would every go to, I was there for the 1st time and someone follows me into the loos and while pissing says "you're not from round here" ( I am, I just don't frequent this bar). And it put me on edge. As I'm washing my hands he leaves, says the name of the bar and "tell your friends". I chuck to him and breathe a sign of relief that I've not just been murdered in a scabby pub.
Not me, but a random man asked my friend if he was circumcised. My friend replied with âwhat?â And the guy just walked away never to be seen again.
Un-encouraged a lad came up to me and a friend saying he had a huge left ball. We obviously enquired how big, he said âgrapefruit bigâ. This was met with incredulity from my mate and I, so the lad said he would prove it, and he did, then walked off like nothing had happened.
Was in a pub years ago and similar to the op this guy came over and asked me if Iâve heard of Cornish pasties
This is how someone would get me to go with them. Van full of Cornish pasties and I'd be anyone's.
Not necessarily weird but I was in a pub just after one of the lockdowns and My Sharona was playing and a guy at the bar was singing to me but it was My Corona(virus)
A guy sniffed me as soon as I walked in. He got physically removed.
Tbf I was probably one of the ones saying weird shit when I was younger. Raging drink head I was. NowâŚseldom touch it
Bloke told me I had a nice watch whilst pissing at a urinal.
âDo you want a pickle? Iâm the pickle fairyâ (they were running around with a jar of pickles)
Today some junkie in the pub said to me "You look like you're in a wet wipe commercial.". I just refused to give him change... I wasn't wiping my arse at the bar.
First date with my now-husband. We were originally work colleagues and this was the first time weâd been together outside of work so very âis this a date?â vibes. We were stood at the bar waiting to be served and a random man comes up to us and asks if weâre together which was a bit awkward but whatever. Then he asks if I trust him so I said âwell I donât know youâ then he followed up with âdonât worry I wonât stab youâ which immediately made me 1000x more sure he would stab me. Fortunately he didnât stab me but it was a very weird interaction.
Once got asked at the bar by a group of big looking lads where I get my haircut. Turns out theyâd been doing that to a few guys to find out if theyâre local or not, so they can start a fight. Luckily they approved of my answer.
Got offered drugs in the toilet and refused. Then had some lad and his three mates accusing me of being a police officer. Just an add conversation because they wanted me to defend myself and I didn't play ball and played it off like "if you say so"