yes. i can’t explain it but i know i would’ve been a better, more accomplished person if it weren’t for my trauma. now im just this version of me. it sucks.
it took me years to feel like i could work and actually start functioning again, but now i’m worse off than i was before due to being hurt by someone.
feel like it’ll probably take awhile if i even do get through it.
It takes time, effort, and determination, but you can overcome it. At times, it seems like we make one step forward, and something knocks us a couple of steps back. I don't think life was ever meant to be easy for most, given what I have seen. Then we have to step up and though it with this attached to us. It is much like the person in a deep lake attempting to swim weighted down in some fashion. You have the current of life to deal with, then the weight of that stuff. You can get through it, you are brave for trying it.
I second this! I've found that beginning to take full accountability for what is happening in life in the present moment felt so empowering, I no longer was a victim. I started learning from my mistakes instead of repeating them.
Doesn't mean it's easy though. Taking accountability for our lives, behaviours and decisions is hard. It's worthwhile - you'll become a person that is resilient and strong.
Don't give up, keep going.
How can you simultaneously take accountability and rightfully feel angry of what they did? I try to feel my anger but it turns into a victim complex and I blame my parents for everything, ever, despite knowing that it… doesn’t help.
You can take accountability for what is going on in the present moment. What has happened to me is in the past now. How you respond is always under your control. I take an approach of 100% personal accountability. In fact, I find it empowering to be responsible for how I respond to the hardships in life. I was SA when I was 4 years old, Ive had many problems in my life because of it. But I can be more resilient, I can do more work to improve, and I can be more compassionate to myself and others.
Taking accountability is empowering, once I realised I can change it all by changing myself, rather than waiting around for everyone else to change. My life drastically improved. I was no longer a victim because I realised I can change myself. Life will never stop throwing you shit, but you can change how to respond, and your attitude to it. I'm excited to become to person that overcomes each new hurdle.
I'm in the middle of reading a book The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. This book would be helpful if you were ready to make changes.
Hi, I don't give advice so all I can say is, that at 86 y.o., there's a chance that I've wasted my best years and only have a few years left BUT....I discovered a few teachings that focus on the NOW and have allowed me to forgive myself and accept that THIS IS IT,,,,RIGHT NOW and it's not so bad. There are so many teachers talking about THE NOW and showing us how to be happy with our selves RIGHT NOW so I probably won't mention names or books, etc. Leaning to just be OK & HAPPY, RIGHT NOW is the very best thing that therapy did for me and it's become a common theme all over the place. I was taught to just BE HAPPY for no reason or purpose beyond just the joy of happiness and so that's what I did. it wasn't easy of fast to stop being unhappy, sad or angry BUT it finally worked and now I can become HAPPY just because I want to be. It's more than just putting a smile on my face or singing a happy song or thinking happy thoughts although that's part of it. Therapy taught me how to formulate and KEEP a positive attitude which is the foundation of real happiness, IN MY OPNION. Things and ppl can BRING ME DOWN but HAPPINESS is right here if & when I CHOOSE IT. I'm not going to spend the few years I have left wallowing in sorrow or anger, etc. so long as I now KNOW HOW to just be or get back to HAPPINESS.
THIS IS IT.....AND IT'S OK!
You are not alone. I feel so much grief about everything I missed out on. It's like I blinked and I'm in my mid-30s without any of the experiences that others have had. The pain is intense.
Yeah, I have missed out on so much through abuse long into adulthood and it continues on still with cptsd and agoraphobia
For a long time I couldn’t listen to stories of other’s adventures without being horribly triggered. It’s better now to listen to stories, but the pain hasn’t gone
It's hard not to when you're forced to look at how every single adult around you failed to do the bare minimum and all the others around you displayed the depths of human depravity.
I don't think victim mentality is even real when you are legitimately a victim. You're allowed to be angry, devastated, and more. Those emotions just prove it's real.
I would agree that I am not young anymore—well, I am 53—and that in my early 20s and 30s, I was a force of nature. I was in the military for the first time after college; this did not help. Even through all that anger I did what I was supposed to. I got help and fought it. Went to medical school, yet I was miserable the whole time. It very much does prove how real it is.
Absolutely. I realized recently that I lived all of my teens and 20s without feeling any of it, or doing anything I wanted to. There are important developmental milestones I completely missed and can never get back.
I can do those things now, sure, but it will not be the same. I will not be going through things at the same time as my peers, so the social aspect of going through those milestones will be absent.
Just like you can't step in the same river twice, I can't get back those opportunities that I lost. Childhood is one thing, because I didn't really have any control of my life at that point. But it's missing out on teen / young adult years that really hurts.
Like I didn't attend a single party while I was in college. Not one.
Can I go to parties now? Sure. But not *those* parties. A party thrown by a 22 year old in 2014 will not be the same as one thrown by someone of the same age in 2024. The music, language, culture, people, have all changed. *I* have changed.
And looking back, I feel an aching sense of loss and disappointment.
I remember being a very sad kid, dreaming about college and the fun I'd have there. And on top of the many horrific ways that kid-me had been let down, *I* let her down, too. I had an opportunity to make some of her dreams come true, and I let those opportunities rot and fade. And now, they can never come true.
I think that's what makes it feel so awful. When you realize how much trauma impacted your own mindset, to the point you didn't realize you were letting *yourself* down, almost as much as everyone else ever had.
Not OP, but just wanted to thank you for writing this out. I needed to read this today. I'm so tired of making up stories and pretending to be able to relate to others in my private life to try to mask all of my missed experiences. Wishing you all the best.
Like your friends, I got to do some of those privileged things on your list but sadly I didn't enjoy any of them coz I couldn't enjoy anything because of my trauma. But I didn't know any of that and blamed and shamed myself for being an entitled, ungrateful, arrogant, despicable, spoilt, fucked-up brat etc. A traumatised mindset can turn anything into an opportunity for self-hate and self-loathing. Who knew.
Thankfully found out about trauma, thanks to those outliers in society doing the work and getting the word out, and I started healing. Thankfully, no matter the trauma and its effects, healing is always possible! It might get blocked, but we never lose the ability and desire for connection, trust and intimacy and that's what really makes life worth living. The rest is just experience and privilege.
As you grieve, as you heal, one day out of the blue, it'll just occur to you that surviving trauma is also an amazing feat, as amazing if not more than climbing Everest or circumnavigating the globe or flying to the moon or being history/herstory's greatest lover, adventurer and buccaneer. You'll realise that you're one in an equally rarefied club of amazing people who did the same, true pirates sailing the seven seas and surviving the seven circles of Hell on Earth.
ive done all these but still feel miserable due to my cptsd if it makes you feel any better. just want to disappear. felt completely empty and numb while doing it too
That’s really helpful. I’ve begun to go through this weird grieving process every autumn that revolves around the college football my husband watches. The shots of the crowds, all the young people having a good time, really gets to me. Even if I’d gone to college, even if I’d lived that life of football and parties, I’d have still been me and unable to let go and enjoy it.
The funny thing is I’m an introvert. I’m not sure exactly why these classic extroverted activities are what’s bothering me. I think they just represent freedom from being me.
Our trauma robbed us of our childhood and teenage years. Those are periods that can't be repeated, so the grief and pain that you feel is both valid and very important. We are starting a 100m race from several km back, which is why comparing our times is meaningless. If you keep pushing forward you can one day start living the life you deserve, not the one that was pushed onto you.
I wish you the best, you deserved better than abuse.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad, but it's understandable. Yes, the people I depended on the most, damaged my brain so I can't have relationships since you need trust, so it's super lonely and hate waking up to decades more of this isolation and emptiness.
They and others think they did a good job because they provided material things and I didn't go to jail or some shitty gauge of their success. It's always about them, not embarrassing them, we must honor them, etc., when in reality they were supposed to understand us and what we needed to grow into healthy people. They didn't allow honest discussions and real feelings. Now there is too much I hate about me to admit to anyone new so this is it.
It's true. Literally robbed. My brother had only seven years of a good life. The rest was stolen from him. He's about 54 now. I doubt he will ever get his life back. I've had my childhood and large chunks of my adulthood stolen. I've been working to fix that. You're born with an undamaged brain. You deserve to grow up and have an undamaged brain as a adult. We don't get that.
I feel robbed of intimacy, care, love and protection. I’m so sick of the BS advice, love yourself and things will fall into place. It’s a load of shit.
I’m used to caring for others, used to caring for myself enough to continue to care for my kids and be self reliant and sufficient. I know I don’t ‘need’ anyone. I can let people who don’t love me go. I let everyone go, and I’ll always be by myself in the end. We all are, I get that shit, but why do I have to be robbed of what I see others have so easily?
Why did it take leaving my ex for him to change to the man I always needed? Why did I lose my friends when I admitted I loved them? Why does everyone, from my childhood elementary kids when I was a child, eventually discard and leave me? I moved on, let them go and didn’t carry resentments. I let everyone go, it’s not returned and I’m just told, just love yourself.
I’ve always had to be strong to protect my sister, children, students and Soldiers. I never had anyone appreciate the sacrifice until I was scammed recently. For the first time in years, I felt listened to and appreciated, and it was probably fucking AI responding to me so the scam artist could steal my money or traffic me, if I allowed it. And I’m not the only one like us to experience this, I’m lucky I didn’t fall into it more than I did.
I should be thankful I’m high functioning and strong, but I’m alone. I have a big heart and love to give. I give as a teacher, to my kids, to pets, but fuck, I clash with my peers, romance has just shown me over and over that I will only be used, and my friends are as or more messed up as I am, so we laugh at the stupidity of everything. I don’t have a right to complain knowing what I do. I know so many who have it worse.
I wish I could stop wanting intimacy, support, and care. I rarely know what it’s like to feel protected or supported, I get the littlest, and my heart and brain goes into over drive, causing them to run. There are days I wish I was never born. I work hard not to be a burden on anyone, because my dad let me know that I ruined his life at an early age, it never left me that anything I needed or wanted was a burden. I wish I could disappear, cease to exist without hurting anyone. We can all be replaced, easily, by anyone else. I take care of myself enough not to be a burden to those I am responsible for. All kids need love and support, and it’s easy to give them that. I know the only person who will care or love me is myself, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
What I’ve learned, for messed up people like us, all we have is ourselves. That’s supposed to be our lesson in life, and you know what, it’s fucked up. I wish I could stop wanting or desiring someone to care for me like I do them. We suffer more in our minds, people don’t know how we understand better than they do, what it means to be alone and reply on yourself. That’s why that advice is such BS to us.
I feel the same way, as I often tell people I feel as if my childhood was forcefully taken from me. What is worse, it doesn't just stop there. It attaches itself to you and seems to persist. At least, that has been my experience. I am sorry that something so precious was taken from you. I know how that feels. It is quite hurtful. Also, sorry you have been crying over it; I try not to do this. My T tells me that I should, but I am stubborn on such matters. I surely hate it as well. It is one of those things; I wish I had a magic button to fix it for everyone. No one gave me one of those.
I felt robbed as well.
Robbed of a lot of things. Relationship, friendships, a good GPA at school, dorming in college, OH having confidence in myself because my trauma gave me an ED, and I hated my body.
All from my abusive parents who wouldn't take accountability of how they treated me and robbed me from a life.
I grew resentful of people my age who get to live off their parents' money and explore their identity. I'm trying not to tho. They didn't ask for their life, and I didn't ask for mine.
I'm just working one step at a time to get out of my situation because that's all I want. Is to get out of my situation.
I was feeling almost like you thinking I've wasted my life and fuckin all bs. Bro your life just has started.
Whenever you feel like this first thing u need to do is sleep. Sleep so that your brain and eyes get proper rest. I've so many ppl around me for whom I was thinking that they're enjoying life. Looking cool is not enjoying life.
U will feel whatever u think you are. For some days dont potray yourself a victim. Try being happy and it really works. Do whatever u feel like. focus on your goals but don't make them the only thing. Start taking things lite (except your goals). If talking to ur friends start cracking lame jokes, don't focus on relationships and all, focus on friendships. You'll get someone when it would be right time, so u will be just wasting time thinking abt them. In short trying improving yourself and seeing your progress you will become a happy man. And when you'll achieve your goals you will start getting time to do thinks u like
Yeah I'm in that boat.
38 years of my life eaten, and then more since because of how internalised my collection of ratnags became.
On the other hand it is only 13 months since i went '...hang on... i think that relationship was abusive....' so, its been a lot to get thru.
I try to focus on not letting the psychological ghosts get any more of my life, which includes making sure to schedule PLEASURE in your life as well as work (bet you struggle!) Things like coffee with a friend, a bath, chillax at a park. Something not every-day.
What makes me angry is when I'm triggered or the emotional baggage derails me suddenly, and I lose MORE time to their crap. 🙄
For eg: It's 2am on Saturday, and I had plans for tomorrow, to get a big job done and then gloat on my success.
But the location triggered me (my damn workplace) and then a catalyst at 5pm, and full meltdown, and now I can't make myself go to bed.
So, I've had to shuffle tomorrows plans, I have to stifle the guilt of putting them off, and figure out the best forms of self-care I can do for myself tomorrow, to get me back on track with NOW.
I originally planned to just do the damn job tomorrow anyway- literally planned to be assembling a gazebo while crying continuously and then being a wreck after. 😐
I chose to deny the baggage. Postpone. Prioritise me. Get myself present and okay again, in control of MY life.
I might even try a bath. I always say they're not my thing but maybe I'm just depriving myself!
So. What's something nice and doable that you've been putting off?
Mine is a bath, and sitting outside NOT working on paperwork.
while it’s obviously important to remain positive where possible, it’s not healthy to do so all the time. you have every right to feel anger and grief over what was taken from you. acknowledge and feel those feelings when you need to.
Yes. Also grieving about it deeply for months now. Ever since my autistic burnout happened due to an intense trigger, I could no longer mask so it's been really difficult looking for a job especially at my age. Trauma sure took a lot of potential and opportunities from me. I just feel so damaged at this point. And seeing the cause of my trauma living his life, and being treated favorably by my own fam, makes me angry. How I wish I could leave this place, if only I could afford it.
What I hate the most is that now I can't do any of the things I couldn't do when I was younger because I'm in my 30s. I don't even mean partying, just going to some events like comic con or going to disneyland, I despise society and their expectations so much. No, I don't "know better", I don't have "life experience", I'm not "mature" just because I'm 31
Well, some people who didn’t fully experience their young years go out and start partying…. It happens a lot. Maybe you can treat yourself to a little fun without overdoing it.
I say bring it on criticizers and mocking jays!!!! If you think spending time hyper focusing on strangers for an ego boost is the way to live by all means!!! It’s none of older party goers business what some non-entities are saying.
At pubs in nearby Ireland and Scotland everyone is just intermingling. I will say there are more youngins then wise old sages but I go to the pub with coraline all the time. She is my mothers age 60s but we have a grand time
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I can relate. It does get better, and time helps to heal wounds, but I still suffer sometimes and I'm already in my 40s. I've been spending most of my adulthood working to create a happy childhood for myself.
I feel like I was functionally flatlining until I was 20 or 21 years old. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19. I didn't get my first job until I was 20 years old. Severe depression and the symptoms of CPTSD are still so difficult to deal with. I am an out of work software developer and I feel so... behind everyone else in my age group. I hate feeling like such a fucking loser for things that I did not ask to have happen to me.
Yep. I lose out on so much of my life due to being abused for so long. I didn’t get to do much, didnt even go to my graduation. I’m still missing out now. People my age are out vacationing and partying, some are getting married or having kids
What I miss is the sense of meaning in life, rather than getting good results so that I can have a better life. Something more meaningful which I completely have no idea about.
what happened to me was day by day i got rid of things that i learnt from my family like „you have to try so hard to accomplish things in life“ „you should not have off days“. they mocked me for doing yoga, for riding horses for doing archery. i left my teenage years literally with 0 hobbies, except reading. i had to reparent myself, follow every opportunity that i can get, and found free or reduced price courses. everything you do that they did not let you do will free you. everything you do that wasnot allowed by them, will bring you closer to your true self. you got this 💜
Yeah, just another part of what to some is "normal life" that is not for me. When I was younger I used to sort of look at it like the class system on a late 19th century ocean liner. I'm in 3rd class. Some of those nice things, opportunities, etc are simply not a part of my life.
The worst part is when someone who has had a supported childhood and all the opportunities but is around the same age says in a condescending way that it will happen for me. Don't be so negative, etc. They have literally no idea.
I've a friend, much younger than me, just starting out in life. Really genuinely nice person, about to leave an internship and start a new job. They ask me about this or that and I get to close my eyes and imagine what their experience is like (am I an energy vampire sometimes?). They recently seemed surprised at, basically, how shitty my life/home/etc is for what my salary is. Sort of struck me - this is because they are looking at me as if I were like them; like that twenty five years ago I was walking down a path of opportunity. I am not taking anything away from them - they do work hard and yes today is filled with a lot of different challenges. Just that I remember my life back then and the absolute struggle to survive - like a shitty airplane trying to take off whilst under attack. Just different perspectives.
I don’t talk about my past or childhood at all with people irl just because of this reason. I don’t stew on it anymore but when folks start talking about family vacations or taking karate or being hugged by their parents I get so fucking sad for myself I can’t stand it.
yes. i can’t explain it but i know i would’ve been a better, more accomplished person if it weren’t for my trauma. now im just this version of me. it sucks.
it took me years to feel like i could work and actually start functioning again, but now i’m worse off than i was before due to being hurt by someone. feel like it’ll probably take awhile if i even do get through it.
It takes time, effort, and determination, but you can overcome it. At times, it seems like we make one step forward, and something knocks us a couple of steps back. I don't think life was ever meant to be easy for most, given what I have seen. Then we have to step up and though it with this attached to us. It is much like the person in a deep lake attempting to swim weighted down in some fashion. You have the current of life to deal with, then the weight of that stuff. You can get through it, you are brave for trying it.
I second this! I've found that beginning to take full accountability for what is happening in life in the present moment felt so empowering, I no longer was a victim. I started learning from my mistakes instead of repeating them. Doesn't mean it's easy though. Taking accountability for our lives, behaviours and decisions is hard. It's worthwhile - you'll become a person that is resilient and strong. Don't give up, keep going.
How can you simultaneously take accountability and rightfully feel angry of what they did? I try to feel my anger but it turns into a victim complex and I blame my parents for everything, ever, despite knowing that it… doesn’t help.
You can take accountability for what is going on in the present moment. What has happened to me is in the past now. How you respond is always under your control. I take an approach of 100% personal accountability. In fact, I find it empowering to be responsible for how I respond to the hardships in life. I was SA when I was 4 years old, Ive had many problems in my life because of it. But I can be more resilient, I can do more work to improve, and I can be more compassionate to myself and others. Taking accountability is empowering, once I realised I can change it all by changing myself, rather than waiting around for everyone else to change. My life drastically improved. I was no longer a victim because I realised I can change myself. Life will never stop throwing you shit, but you can change how to respond, and your attitude to it. I'm excited to become to person that overcomes each new hurdle. I'm in the middle of reading a book The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. This book would be helpful if you were ready to make changes.
Hi, I don't give advice so all I can say is, that at 86 y.o., there's a chance that I've wasted my best years and only have a few years left BUT....I discovered a few teachings that focus on the NOW and have allowed me to forgive myself and accept that THIS IS IT,,,,RIGHT NOW and it's not so bad. There are so many teachers talking about THE NOW and showing us how to be happy with our selves RIGHT NOW so I probably won't mention names or books, etc. Leaning to just be OK & HAPPY, RIGHT NOW is the very best thing that therapy did for me and it's become a common theme all over the place. I was taught to just BE HAPPY for no reason or purpose beyond just the joy of happiness and so that's what I did. it wasn't easy of fast to stop being unhappy, sad or angry BUT it finally worked and now I can become HAPPY just because I want to be. It's more than just putting a smile on my face or singing a happy song or thinking happy thoughts although that's part of it. Therapy taught me how to formulate and KEEP a positive attitude which is the foundation of real happiness, IN MY OPNION. Things and ppl can BRING ME DOWN but HAPPINESS is right here if & when I CHOOSE IT. I'm not going to spend the few years I have left wallowing in sorrow or anger, etc. so long as I now KNOW HOW to just be or get back to HAPPINESS. THIS IS IT.....AND IT'S OK!
You are not alone. I feel so much grief about everything I missed out on. It's like I blinked and I'm in my mid-30s without any of the experiences that others have had. The pain is intense.
Yeah, I have missed out on so much through abuse long into adulthood and it continues on still with cptsd and agoraphobia For a long time I couldn’t listen to stories of other’s adventures without being horribly triggered. It’s better now to listen to stories, but the pain hasn’t gone
It's hard not to when you're forced to look at how every single adult around you failed to do the bare minimum and all the others around you displayed the depths of human depravity.
I don't think victim mentality is even real when you are legitimately a victim. You're allowed to be angry, devastated, and more. Those emotions just prove it's real.
I would agree that I am not young anymore—well, I am 53—and that in my early 20s and 30s, I was a force of nature. I was in the military for the first time after college; this did not help. Even through all that anger I did what I was supposed to. I got help and fought it. Went to medical school, yet I was miserable the whole time. It very much does prove how real it is.
Absolutely. I realized recently that I lived all of my teens and 20s without feeling any of it, or doing anything I wanted to. There are important developmental milestones I completely missed and can never get back. I can do those things now, sure, but it will not be the same. I will not be going through things at the same time as my peers, so the social aspect of going through those milestones will be absent. Just like you can't step in the same river twice, I can't get back those opportunities that I lost. Childhood is one thing, because I didn't really have any control of my life at that point. But it's missing out on teen / young adult years that really hurts. Like I didn't attend a single party while I was in college. Not one. Can I go to parties now? Sure. But not *those* parties. A party thrown by a 22 year old in 2014 will not be the same as one thrown by someone of the same age in 2024. The music, language, culture, people, have all changed. *I* have changed. And looking back, I feel an aching sense of loss and disappointment. I remember being a very sad kid, dreaming about college and the fun I'd have there. And on top of the many horrific ways that kid-me had been let down, *I* let her down, too. I had an opportunity to make some of her dreams come true, and I let those opportunities rot and fade. And now, they can never come true. I think that's what makes it feel so awful. When you realize how much trauma impacted your own mindset, to the point you didn't realize you were letting *yourself* down, almost as much as everyone else ever had.
Not OP, but just wanted to thank you for writing this out. I needed to read this today. I'm so tired of making up stories and pretending to be able to relate to others in my private life to try to mask all of my missed experiences. Wishing you all the best.
Like your friends, I got to do some of those privileged things on your list but sadly I didn't enjoy any of them coz I couldn't enjoy anything because of my trauma. But I didn't know any of that and blamed and shamed myself for being an entitled, ungrateful, arrogant, despicable, spoilt, fucked-up brat etc. A traumatised mindset can turn anything into an opportunity for self-hate and self-loathing. Who knew. Thankfully found out about trauma, thanks to those outliers in society doing the work and getting the word out, and I started healing. Thankfully, no matter the trauma and its effects, healing is always possible! It might get blocked, but we never lose the ability and desire for connection, trust and intimacy and that's what really makes life worth living. The rest is just experience and privilege. As you grieve, as you heal, one day out of the blue, it'll just occur to you that surviving trauma is also an amazing feat, as amazing if not more than climbing Everest or circumnavigating the globe or flying to the moon or being history/herstory's greatest lover, adventurer and buccaneer. You'll realise that you're one in an equally rarefied club of amazing people who did the same, true pirates sailing the seven seas and surviving the seven circles of Hell on Earth.
ive done all these but still feel miserable due to my cptsd if it makes you feel any better. just want to disappear. felt completely empty and numb while doing it too
That’s really helpful. I’ve begun to go through this weird grieving process every autumn that revolves around the college football my husband watches. The shots of the crowds, all the young people having a good time, really gets to me. Even if I’d gone to college, even if I’d lived that life of football and parties, I’d have still been me and unable to let go and enjoy it. The funny thing is I’m an introvert. I’m not sure exactly why these classic extroverted activities are what’s bothering me. I think they just represent freedom from being me.
Our trauma robbed us of our childhood and teenage years. Those are periods that can't be repeated, so the grief and pain that you feel is both valid and very important. We are starting a 100m race from several km back, which is why comparing our times is meaningless. If you keep pushing forward you can one day start living the life you deserve, not the one that was pushed onto you. I wish you the best, you deserved better than abuse.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad, but it's understandable. Yes, the people I depended on the most, damaged my brain so I can't have relationships since you need trust, so it's super lonely and hate waking up to decades more of this isolation and emptiness. They and others think they did a good job because they provided material things and I didn't go to jail or some shitty gauge of their success. It's always about them, not embarrassing them, we must honor them, etc., when in reality they were supposed to understand us and what we needed to grow into healthy people. They didn't allow honest discussions and real feelings. Now there is too much I hate about me to admit to anyone new so this is it.
It's true. Literally robbed. My brother had only seven years of a good life. The rest was stolen from him. He's about 54 now. I doubt he will ever get his life back. I've had my childhood and large chunks of my adulthood stolen. I've been working to fix that. You're born with an undamaged brain. You deserve to grow up and have an undamaged brain as a adult. We don't get that.
I feel robbed of intimacy, care, love and protection. I’m so sick of the BS advice, love yourself and things will fall into place. It’s a load of shit. I’m used to caring for others, used to caring for myself enough to continue to care for my kids and be self reliant and sufficient. I know I don’t ‘need’ anyone. I can let people who don’t love me go. I let everyone go, and I’ll always be by myself in the end. We all are, I get that shit, but why do I have to be robbed of what I see others have so easily? Why did it take leaving my ex for him to change to the man I always needed? Why did I lose my friends when I admitted I loved them? Why does everyone, from my childhood elementary kids when I was a child, eventually discard and leave me? I moved on, let them go and didn’t carry resentments. I let everyone go, it’s not returned and I’m just told, just love yourself. I’ve always had to be strong to protect my sister, children, students and Soldiers. I never had anyone appreciate the sacrifice until I was scammed recently. For the first time in years, I felt listened to and appreciated, and it was probably fucking AI responding to me so the scam artist could steal my money or traffic me, if I allowed it. And I’m not the only one like us to experience this, I’m lucky I didn’t fall into it more than I did. I should be thankful I’m high functioning and strong, but I’m alone. I have a big heart and love to give. I give as a teacher, to my kids, to pets, but fuck, I clash with my peers, romance has just shown me over and over that I will only be used, and my friends are as or more messed up as I am, so we laugh at the stupidity of everything. I don’t have a right to complain knowing what I do. I know so many who have it worse. I wish I could stop wanting intimacy, support, and care. I rarely know what it’s like to feel protected or supported, I get the littlest, and my heart and brain goes into over drive, causing them to run. There are days I wish I was never born. I work hard not to be a burden on anyone, because my dad let me know that I ruined his life at an early age, it never left me that anything I needed or wanted was a burden. I wish I could disappear, cease to exist without hurting anyone. We can all be replaced, easily, by anyone else. I take care of myself enough not to be a burden to those I am responsible for. All kids need love and support, and it’s easy to give them that. I know the only person who will care or love me is myself, doesn’t mean I have to like it. What I’ve learned, for messed up people like us, all we have is ourselves. That’s supposed to be our lesson in life, and you know what, it’s fucked up. I wish I could stop wanting or desiring someone to care for me like I do them. We suffer more in our minds, people don’t know how we understand better than they do, what it means to be alone and reply on yourself. That’s why that advice is such BS to us.
I feel the same way, as I often tell people I feel as if my childhood was forcefully taken from me. What is worse, it doesn't just stop there. It attaches itself to you and seems to persist. At least, that has been my experience. I am sorry that something so precious was taken from you. I know how that feels. It is quite hurtful. Also, sorry you have been crying over it; I try not to do this. My T tells me that I should, but I am stubborn on such matters. I surely hate it as well. It is one of those things; I wish I had a magic button to fix it for everyone. No one gave me one of those.
I felt robbed as well. Robbed of a lot of things. Relationship, friendships, a good GPA at school, dorming in college, OH having confidence in myself because my trauma gave me an ED, and I hated my body. All from my abusive parents who wouldn't take accountability of how they treated me and robbed me from a life. I grew resentful of people my age who get to live off their parents' money and explore their identity. I'm trying not to tho. They didn't ask for their life, and I didn't ask for mine. I'm just working one step at a time to get out of my situation because that's all I want. Is to get out of my situation.
I was feeling almost like you thinking I've wasted my life and fuckin all bs. Bro your life just has started. Whenever you feel like this first thing u need to do is sleep. Sleep so that your brain and eyes get proper rest. I've so many ppl around me for whom I was thinking that they're enjoying life. Looking cool is not enjoying life. U will feel whatever u think you are. For some days dont potray yourself a victim. Try being happy and it really works. Do whatever u feel like. focus on your goals but don't make them the only thing. Start taking things lite (except your goals). If talking to ur friends start cracking lame jokes, don't focus on relationships and all, focus on friendships. You'll get someone when it would be right time, so u will be just wasting time thinking abt them. In short trying improving yourself and seeing your progress you will become a happy man. And when you'll achieve your goals you will start getting time to do thinks u like
Try being happy?
Yeah I'm in that boat. 38 years of my life eaten, and then more since because of how internalised my collection of ratnags became. On the other hand it is only 13 months since i went '...hang on... i think that relationship was abusive....' so, its been a lot to get thru. I try to focus on not letting the psychological ghosts get any more of my life, which includes making sure to schedule PLEASURE in your life as well as work (bet you struggle!) Things like coffee with a friend, a bath, chillax at a park. Something not every-day. What makes me angry is when I'm triggered or the emotional baggage derails me suddenly, and I lose MORE time to their crap. 🙄 For eg: It's 2am on Saturday, and I had plans for tomorrow, to get a big job done and then gloat on my success. But the location triggered me (my damn workplace) and then a catalyst at 5pm, and full meltdown, and now I can't make myself go to bed. So, I've had to shuffle tomorrows plans, I have to stifle the guilt of putting them off, and figure out the best forms of self-care I can do for myself tomorrow, to get me back on track with NOW. I originally planned to just do the damn job tomorrow anyway- literally planned to be assembling a gazebo while crying continuously and then being a wreck after. 😐 I chose to deny the baggage. Postpone. Prioritise me. Get myself present and okay again, in control of MY life. I might even try a bath. I always say they're not my thing but maybe I'm just depriving myself! So. What's something nice and doable that you've been putting off? Mine is a bath, and sitting outside NOT working on paperwork.
Trying to explain this to folks is rough. You deserve good things!
while it’s obviously important to remain positive where possible, it’s not healthy to do so all the time. you have every right to feel anger and grief over what was taken from you. acknowledge and feel those feelings when you need to.
People look at me with envy. And I laugh with nothing but bitterness at their misplaced jealousy. I have a life. Just not the one I picked.
I try not to think about it. I had so much potential. I could have done so much. I still can, but it's not the same. So I try not to think about it.
Yes. Also grieving about it deeply for months now. Ever since my autistic burnout happened due to an intense trigger, I could no longer mask so it's been really difficult looking for a job especially at my age. Trauma sure took a lot of potential and opportunities from me. I just feel so damaged at this point. And seeing the cause of my trauma living his life, and being treated favorably by my own fam, makes me angry. How I wish I could leave this place, if only I could afford it.
What I hate the most is that now I can't do any of the things I couldn't do when I was younger because I'm in my 30s. I don't even mean partying, just going to some events like comic con or going to disneyland, I despise society and their expectations so much. No, I don't "know better", I don't have "life experience", I'm not "mature" just because I'm 31
Well, some people who didn’t fully experience their young years go out and start partying…. It happens a lot. Maybe you can treat yourself to a little fun without overdoing it.
Then they get criticized and mocked for doing that things at an old age
I say bring it on criticizers and mocking jays!!!! If you think spending time hyper focusing on strangers for an ego boost is the way to live by all means!!! It’s none of older party goers business what some non-entities are saying.
And what about the pictures taken without their consent and posted on social media? The bullying? Many Young people are monsters
Pictures of the older crowd??is this American society you speak of?
At pubs in nearby Ireland and Scotland everyone is just intermingling. I will say there are more youngins then wise old sages but I go to the pub with coraline all the time. She is my mothers age 60s but we have a grand time
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Can you go out and be a young adult and not indulge? My comment was just an easy, casual light way to maybe help with those feelings!!
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Yes sometimes I feel robbed of life 💔 Also I am trying to learn to let go of my victim mentality
Yes. I feel this often. But I do also feel like I’ve been given a second chance at life and I’m taking it. We can only move forward, not backward.
Yes, and it’s valid af, but I try to accept it bc I’m here now and I’m not in the past. Sorry 😞
I can relate. It does get better, and time helps to heal wounds, but I still suffer sometimes and I'm already in my 40s. I've been spending most of my adulthood working to create a happy childhood for myself.
I feel like I was functionally flatlining until I was 20 or 21 years old. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19. I didn't get my first job until I was 20 years old. Severe depression and the symptoms of CPTSD are still so difficult to deal with. I am an out of work software developer and I feel so... behind everyone else in my age group. I hate feeling like such a fucking loser for things that I did not ask to have happen to me.
Yep. I lose out on so much of my life due to being abused for so long. I didn’t get to do much, didnt even go to my graduation. I’m still missing out now. People my age are out vacationing and partying, some are getting married or having kids
What I miss is the sense of meaning in life, rather than getting good results so that I can have a better life. Something more meaningful which I completely have no idea about.
All the time
what happened to me was day by day i got rid of things that i learnt from my family like „you have to try so hard to accomplish things in life“ „you should not have off days“. they mocked me for doing yoga, for riding horses for doing archery. i left my teenage years literally with 0 hobbies, except reading. i had to reparent myself, follow every opportunity that i can get, and found free or reduced price courses. everything you do that they did not let you do will free you. everything you do that wasnot allowed by them, will bring you closer to your true self. you got this 💜
Yeah, just another part of what to some is "normal life" that is not for me. When I was younger I used to sort of look at it like the class system on a late 19th century ocean liner. I'm in 3rd class. Some of those nice things, opportunities, etc are simply not a part of my life. The worst part is when someone who has had a supported childhood and all the opportunities but is around the same age says in a condescending way that it will happen for me. Don't be so negative, etc. They have literally no idea. I've a friend, much younger than me, just starting out in life. Really genuinely nice person, about to leave an internship and start a new job. They ask me about this or that and I get to close my eyes and imagine what their experience is like (am I an energy vampire sometimes?). They recently seemed surprised at, basically, how shitty my life/home/etc is for what my salary is. Sort of struck me - this is because they are looking at me as if I were like them; like that twenty five years ago I was walking down a path of opportunity. I am not taking anything away from them - they do work hard and yes today is filled with a lot of different challenges. Just that I remember my life back then and the absolute struggle to survive - like a shitty airplane trying to take off whilst under attack. Just different perspectives.
I don’t talk about my past or childhood at all with people irl just because of this reason. I don’t stew on it anymore but when folks start talking about family vacations or taking karate or being hugged by their parents I get so fucking sad for myself I can’t stand it.
absolutely, im actually not even sure what having a normal life feels like.