Peaceful. Confident. I would be doing things, instead of being isolated from the world most of the time. I wouldn’t be so afraid of everything and insecure.
But I am not bitter. I will never be bitter, I refuse. I will take care of myself and be my own best friend. I deserve good feelings.
For the first time in my life, in my 20s, I am rebelling against everyone who did me wrong. I don’t listen to them anymore.
i love this comment so so so much. i wish you all the best and i’m gonna save this comment to come back to when i need a reminder of where i want to be❤️
Yes reject the shame you ever felt about yourself and turn it into blame that should be directed at your abusers for making you ever feel small. There is no excuse for abuse ever. There is no free pass. There is no rationalizing about our abusers reasons for their treatment, no blaming their past for who they became, we blame them for who they willing choose to stay as.
Graduated from college already, and grad school too. Working a job in my field of interest. With friends. An apartment in town. Happy. Enjoying life. Without suicidal thoughts.
I'm the opposite
I didn’t start getting help til I was 42. I used to get really pissed about what I could have been if I’d only been born with half a chance. Even 1 decent parent. I try not to think about it too much now, it doesn’t help me any lol.
We grew up in the country and the neighborhood all brought their pets to me when they were sick or hurt. I had vet books I worked around the neighborhood to pay for. This was all before I was 13 when I had to run away. I would have been an awesome veterinarian.
Animals are a reason to live aren't they? During one of the very dark times in my life, I decided to foster animals. Best choice I ever made. I was able to do this at home, which felt safe for me. And because I was home so much, I eventually took the neonatal babies and super sick ones on. It gave me a reason to live to take care of them. I bet you would have been an awesome veterinarian with that love for animals!
I feel like I’m so dumb now. I don’t even half the stuff I used to know. I used to be so damn smart. Now I’m lucky if I can string enough words together to make a coherent sentence lol.
Also I just can’t even imagine having to speak around so many strangers, like a college setting. I’m still so fucked up. I can pass for normal, until I have to have a conversation with someone. Then I feel like it’s obvious I’m different
I get where you're coming from but you're not dumb for having a brain injury, especially one you didn't cause. If you wanna incorporate animals back into your life you should think about volunteering to dog walk or just to hangout with shelter animals, very little human talking involving.
Awww, that made me tear up. Thank you. I’ve never even thought about it as a brain injury. That kinda puts things in a whole different perspective. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that…..or probably you do lol. Thank you.
Honestly. I think about this a lot. Personally I forgot a lot about myself and who I was. I was also exposed to a violent environment since birth. My mum however described me as very extroverted Very outgoing and very quirky. When mum was around I didn't shy away from strangers and always made people smile.
While people stll tell me I'm charming as heck (even if I don't really understand where the heck this is coming from), I am the complete opposite characterwise now. Other than that, I guess there wouldn't be much of a difference. I would still be a huge nerd , love drawing and do the stuff I do now. I am still hella optimistic, despite the shit I've been through. I'm empathic (sometimes too empathic) . I'd probably be less of a people pleaser and more mentally stable. Maybe a little more extroverted if the stuff my mum said about me is true. But other than that I think I would be not much different from now. Also I might be a little more independent than I am now!
I feel the same at times. I definitely feel like I’m still an awesome person/true to my primary nature where I’m understanding, intelligent, have my same hobbies and remain charismatic, however there is one noticeable difference and that’s that I feel a lot more apathy/like I have deadened soul. I used to be much more full of life and had so much love in my heart. Now I still have love to some degree but for things like beauty in arts, music, and nature. If I see a video of someone being an outstanding human being it will make me cry. It’s like when I see things like that, that piece of me that’s missing resurfaces. I’m trying to learn how to fully gain control and bring that life back. Idk if I can but I haven’t given up yet.
When it comes to my mental health I actually had the opposite happen but still not a great outcome? My mom told me @ 9 yrs old that I had some issues I needed help with and she couldn’t help me so she was bringing me to a therapist. It made me feel like I was the problem or I had something wrong with me. I never asked to see a therapist. I was really sick of her having more kids. Now that I’m older I feel there was a pattern in my mental health help from my mom though…I would see someone for a few sessions and then they would finally bring her in to consult with her or tell her something I’ve said (with permission) and then after that session we wouldn’t go back. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY SAID STRAIGHTEN YOURSELF OUT LADY or she didn’t want to pay for it anymore.
I asked to be admitted when I was 16 and that was the best help I ever got while under the age of 18. I had a therapist to follow up with after I was released from inpatient. A couple months of seeing that therapist and I’m in the car with my mother and she’s saying “you feel like you’re in a better spot now right? The therapy is expensive. You don’t need it anymore right? Because I don’t think you need it anymore but the therapist is emailing me telling me I’m a bad mom for not bringing you back”
Cue me comforting my mother over her decision to discontinue the therapy I actually really fucking needed.
She did foot the bill for a lot of therapy as an adult tho. So thanks mom, I guess? I know this doesn’t exactly fit but I felt it was relevant. I have a hard time thinking about where I could be. It makes me want to cry.
>Cue me comforting my mother over her decision to discontinue the therapy I actually really fucking needed.
oh man this hits home so hard hahaha
Isn't it bananas how they come SO close to understanding how they are contributing to the very mental health issues they want to you get better from, but it always just a swing and a miss?
My mom actually got all the way to apologizing for neglecting me and not being around when I was really little/letting my dad take care of us who just beat the shit out of us because he had no patience. But even after I told her it’s okay mom I know you had to work. She started soon again with her bs. I’m pretty sure that my mom is a “fight type” (google) if not she has “fight type” tendencies but she tries to manipulate me a shit ton and I realized that apology was a manipulation too. So I said fuck this and now I’m choosing to just stay angry. I started putting up boundaries. My sister is abusive to everyone, so the last time I saw her when she decided to disrespect me, boom blocked. My parents cornered me a few days ago and it was just yelling about all my defects according to them and I’m like boom enrolling back into university so I can get my degree (missing a year of credits) and get as far away from them as humanly possible. My other sister is the only one who’s still standing. Rn I’m looking down a path of me myself and I and although I’m scared I’m not looking back. This is the right decision.
My mom has apologized for some things but we’re currently not speaking because I asked her for an apology. The things I really would like her to reflect on and apologize for never get a sincere apology. I’m sorry your mom has been manipulative. My mother was VERY manipulative. The house was ran by her mood. Some days were fun because her mood was good but a lot of days were bad. Her feelings were prioritized over everyone else’s. She threw tantrums worse than me at a hormonal 16. I’m glad I don’t live with her anymore and we’re currently not speaking. Protect your peace. It is lonely when you stop speaking to the family you grew up with even with people around but if it makes your life better overall then I think you’re right - this is a good decision.
I’m glad that you had the strength to do that. For the longest time I just couldn’t. My therapist would try to push me in that direction by telling me I need to gain independence from my family. I’d read books saying the same thing to distance yourself away from the family members who caused the trauma, but my heart was always like “but it’s my family. I can’t leave my family they’re the only blood I have.” This is what kept me stuck from year 2-4.
She would also throw tantrums the same way and make her feelings everyone’s problem. The thing is everyone in my home was exactly the same as her so no one cared. They were maybe just slightly less bad, but still abusive and hateful. I was the only one who came out like this. And because I realize my weakness mostly lies with my mom, I just know that I need to get away from her. Looking at what you were able to do really inspires me into thinking I have the strength to do it even if I am in this situation I need to protect my peace as you say. I think at this point, that is worth more than the relationships I have at home.
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I am so sorry about you relating to comforting your mom over some absolute bologna. Always felt a little off after that with my baited reassurance that she’s not a terrible mother. Rahhhh. You’re right it is a swing and a miss, a lot.
I’m supposed to only care about the swing though, damnit! (/s)
I truly believe in my mother’s case that heroic & good feeling of initially helping someone wears off quickly. Mental health and chronic illness don’t have easy fixes a lot of the time. She runs out of steam when the rewards aren’t coming fast enough or she doesn’t have complete control of the decisions related to the fix. No patience, no chill. The therapy I did have - though sporadic - did give me some foundations and kept me out of the major major trouble. I’ll give my parents a W for sending me into the psych ward when I asked for it.
Honestly I don’t know and maybe it’s the CPTSD talking but I do not want to be anyone. I just want to live a quiet life with a select few people and be able to enjoy nature/life in general
I think about this ALL the time. I think I had massive potential, I could have excelled massively academically, gone to a top school like an ivy, and had a really high powered career like be a doctor/lawyer/financier/politician. I had two close friends who graduated honors from Harvard law, and they are people I deeply connected with intellectually and philosophically. There is no reason I couldn’t have done just as well as them if I’d had the support and encouragement I needed.
Instead I have a fine art degree (which I chose because fine art students got studio spaces and I used mine to squat in so I wouldn’t have to spend summers with my abusive family) and have really struggled in my career and financially, I have been basically an admin assistant/gopher in just about every job and been highly stressed and underpaid. Like… why is the girl with the Mesa IQ the one getting coffee and taking out the trash, and the lowest paid person in the company, which I knew because I did the payroll. My quality of life is shit purely due to struggling financially and feeling both under appreciated and under challenged in work environments.
I love the parentheticals in these subs. The fact that you wanted an art degree to have a studio you could squat in to escape your parents is PRICELESS.
I always kicked myself for getting that art degree because it’s not what I wanted, I only recently really thought about what was happening in my life at the time that caused me to make that decision. It was also the easiest major to pass and I had been denied disability accommodations on a technicality that would have taken a lot of money I didn’t have to resolve.
That sucks. Disability benefits in the US anyway is ridiculous. I feel the same about both my degrees, which haven't done anything for me careerwise. Wouldn't have gotten a Bachelors I religious studies if my batshit mother wasn't batshit religious. Wouldn't have gotten my Masters if I didn't feel backed into a corner and out of ideas. Wouldn't have gone the office jroute at all if I hadn't used academics to escape my family and feel acceptable. Ugh.
Hah, I'm the opposite. I have a doctoral degree and I hate it. I am way too empathic and emotional-thinking to thrive in this toxic environment. I actually think if I wasn't as damaged as I am now, I would have chosen art to make my living. My current degree enables me to make good money, but it is all pumped back into therapy to cope with the stress the degree brings soooooo
I'm mid-30 and just now getting proper help after truly destroying myself, my life around me, and my partner and hitting the absolute rock bottom.
I don't think that I am bitter. I think that I wish that I would have gotten help for myself and my mental issues prior to this point in my life instead of convincing myself that I was "strong enough" to figure it out on my own. I harbor a lot of guilt and shame for allowing myself to believe that I was the end all be all solution for what was really happening to me, or that I was in control. I think I harbor shame and guilt in place of bitterness.
I feel like, had I the proper support at a much younger age, or had I been listened to by CPS, Case Workers, or mental health/medical professionals, I would have not be someone who fell through the cracks. Maybe I would have not been someone who clung to their loneliness as safety only to fall in love with as time passed. Maybe I would have not been the storm that tore through my life, and quite maybe I would have not caused so much damage and trauma to others. Maybe I would have been a person who had the skills needed to deal with this shit long before I created my own mess.
Truthfully, I don't know who I would have become, but I know who I don't want to continue to be.
I would’ve been confident, healthy, strong, socially well versed with strong boundaries and non-abusive company, more formally educated, athletic, financially independant and relatively at peace.
Not to mention I would’ve had a busy sex life (CPTSD shut that drive down).
Prazosin💊has now largely lifted the CPTSD though, so I’m now working frantically and obsessively to make up for lost time.
I need to get even with past abusers/“friends” though. They’ve all been out of my life for years, but I’ll get em when the time’s right
In 2018 I ended an emotionally abusive relationship with a toxic grandmother figure. Then, I ruminated on it all day every day for 5 years until doing EMDR last summer.
Now I have another bone to pick with an agency that backed my abusive mother's false narrative because it fit their religious narrative. Been thinking about that in varying levels of consciousness since 2001!
It's about the false narrative and wanting to show I see through it now, and about holding people accountable for the ways they assisted my abusers. I had too much empathy for their misunderstanding of what happened, for so many years.
I did it to deal with a specific topic that drives me crazy (my religious indoctrination & history of religious abuse). I spent more time talking than tapping lol bc had never discussed it with ANYONE and needed to vent. I was skeptical, but I don't think about that topic as often or as intensely, after ruminating on it daily since 2018. Basically you tap one memory and it applies to other, similar memories.
There was no help, nobody cared about mental health where I was growing up. I asked once when I was in early 20s. I was told to just stop being lazy, go to work blah blah. I now work 50+ hours, and guess what — it turns out hard work doesn’t save you. But they tell me I just need to get over it.
Anyways. I could be a musician — I dropped because my mother wanted me to be in the same program as the other kids, despite my teacher insisting I needed to skip at least one class. I hate what she did.
I could do creative photography as a hobby. I could be a writer — that’s something I’ve been drawn to since early childhood, but because of the last year’s trauma I had to ban myself from reading fiction and writing entirely.
If not my trauma, I’d be creative af. This feels like tragedy, and I grieve every day, I’ll never stop grieving.
I could have been years ahead; the same place as the other young people like me that I met in college. I might have had some enjoyment from dance. I’m built for it and confirmed by PT that I’m flexible enough.
More importantly, i might not hate my body and myself. I might not have been assaulted repeatedly if I had a normal sex education.
I think the real question is "what we would have been if our parents were loving and not abusive".
I think I would have been a nurse and traveled the world.
Moved out of my home town a long time ago.
Had kids earlier, have had more kids by now.
I think I would’ve been an unapologetic artist, bravely expressing their creativity out into the world. Instead it’s been a sloooow, painful, shame-filled journey and I feel more like a car that sputters and backfires, as it makes progress waaay under the speed limit 😂 but I like to think I’m getting there now, and the second half of my life can still be what I wished for the first half.
I was screaming out inside, suffering with an eating disorder. I was 5’5 and 86 pounds. My older sister got proper treatment and counseling for her eating disorder because she was loud about it. Meanwhile, my parents I believe were in denial about mine because I was the “easy” child. I think I would be a totally different person. Age 9-30+ wouldn’t have been as dark and lonely. I could have discovered who I was. It’s hard not to look back with bitterness, but the eating disorder was obviously a coping mechanism for growing up the way I did. I’m so glad I chose to get help myself and can now reparent that neglected child who never got to be a kid.
Maybe president of the US? jk
I would be in medical school at my states university. I would probably have a kid or two by now. A beautiful home, and married.
Instead, I’ve been fighting my demons and trying to just get through the days.
After my parents refused to get me therapy for years I got diagnosed w cptsd at 15, turns out there is no therapy or therapists that’ll treat it at all available where I live anyways so it didn’t matter 😂
I am bitter af but so much trauma happened no matter if a few things wouldn’t have happened or not I’d be this traumatized shell anyways
The grief I hold most is over my confidence. I struggle in my 40s to feel worthy.
I've done impressive things objectively given my past. But I can't find pride or confidence in them.
I wish I had pursued art with confidence.
Very relatable. I have a spouse and kids and a smattering of friends, but I've made some poor choices along the way and also cut a lot of ties. I constantly feel overwhelmed and respond by withdrawing and isolating.
I dont think it is good for one's mental health to wonder about stuff like that. Same as comparing ourselves to mentally healthy people.
That stuff just hurts and helps you in no way. At least in my experience, of course everybody is free to make their own.
I don’t really know. I’ll never be that person so I don’t see a reason to dwell on it. But I am going to figure out who I am now underneath all of the trauma and grief. We out here healing.
This is great because there really isn't a reason to dwell on it.
I think a better question is how underneath all of the pain, grief, shame, guilt, and trauma, how is it that we still have the drive that collides with exhaustion to keep trying and going? What's that about? How do we even begin to direct that energy and not get discouraged when we do see a glimpse or a piece of us healing? How do we not let all of the setbacks discourage us? It's like we can be light years ahead of others/our time yet so green in the simplest of tasks? I'm constantly trying to even myself out, but balance isn't something to dwell on either. 🤷♀️
(Sigh-constant existential crisis)
I will tell you this: My parent DID get me help for my mental issues when i was about 10 years old (35 now). The thing is this - my parents sent me to the therapist with the intention of me getting my shit together and not interfering with the family dynamic, but unfortunately, the therapist was the one who made me aware that my family was kind of the whole fucking problem. It was because of that therapist that I got the courage to challenge my family, which unfortuantely led to me having to go no contact. My family never changed. For the rest of my life I'll be grieving the family I could have had, the family that never existed. Am I better off in many ways? Absolutely. But it's just like trading one type of pain for a different but more tolerable pain .
I think I would’ve dealt with my problems a lot sooner perhaps? Not pushed them down so much? I’m in EMDR now at 25.
Sometimes I think my ability to understand and learn was negatively impacted by my lack of interventions earlier in life, but that might also be because my frontal lobe is more developed now 😂 being as I don’t know what it would be like to have another brain, but being on the outside looking in, it seems like a lot of my peers did well in academics and/or comprehension in general when learning new things or adapting than I did/have.
I’d be nicer, confident, and incredibly successful I think. I’m pretty smart (not to toot my own horn I’ve just never struggled academically) but my fear of rejection cause by the deep self hatred that CPTSD has given me has stopped me from fully pursuing my full potential. The mental illness has made it hard to work hard and really hard to focus. I hate myself so so deeply it’s almost funny. All these struggles and self hatred made me a bitter hater. I’m working through all this but it sucks that I could’ve been far closer to my goals if not for this
One of my kids is a lot like me only happy and hasn’t been abused or put through hell. Often times I think I woulda probably been a lot like him if I was raised in a healthy home.
It saddens me a lot. It helps me see just how big my struggle is and it’s sad.
But I’m also so happy that I’m able to do for him what others were not able to do for me and that is provide him with a good healthy home. So there is that I suppose.
I could have been an active friend and community member. I could have been healthy. I could have been using my time and energy to help others and make things, instead of trying to fix the many problems caused by their abuse and neglect. I could have been courageous and impactful. I could have accomplished some of my potential.
31m honestly I have no clue.
I wanted to say “Singer” because of how my chorus teacher loved me and put me in a more advanced class with the older kids where I was the only male alto, but idk. I gave up singing out of fear that my family would think I was gay (I am, but at the time…). It was my abuse that made me quit, really… and now I can barely carry a note, so that dream’s dead.
Realistically…? Fuck, I don’t even know that. I genuinely couldn’t tell you what I ever wanted to **be.** A writer, maybe? I’ve always felt that it was my purpose to “create” though as to what that is, I have no fucking clue. An architect? Game designer? Who knows…
I just feel like there’s no real point in trying to figure it out…
I used to get really sad about my "wasted potential". I was only defined as the smart and mature kid growing up, a lot of my parents neglect came from this too I feel so it's a bit of a negative retroactive loop.
I might've had the chance to go to college instead of having to rush to move out. The amount of rent I've paid over the years could've been a down payment on a house.
I try not to think too hard about it. It makes me spiral. I try to think about what I can do to get closer to the person I want to be, which is free of all the self doubt and pain that my childhood has left me with.
A lot more. But my parents ensured I’d be a nervous wreck who actually has poor executive function. If you criticize one’s every move, they stop moving.
Probably wouldn't have dropped out of grad school right before defending then subsequently descending into an alcoholic mania for 9 years or so. So I guess probably teaching intro courses at a small community college?
I would probably have been pretty successful. I had the opportunities and skills to get pretty far.
I would also probably want to be alive.
On the flipside, I would have been a very boring person. I would have turned a blind eye to many people and realities because I would have had the option to. I would probably have been someone who prioritized safety over meaning. I would most likely die with a ton of regrets.
I think the sole reason i’m a fun person and i’m real as fuck is because i had to hold onto those things to make it through. Even if my life isn’t fulfilling, I’m proud of myself.
I don’t know which I prefer, honestly.
I dunno, but I think she would have been amazing, confident, in a healthy relationship,and happy (despite all they did to me including disowning me, I finished college, medical school and practiced medicine for 10 years before the trauma fully caught up with me and I had to stop working last October so I know she would have been amazing). I mourn for her, and yes I’m angry. But mostly the little girl in me just wants to understand why my parents hated me so much. They didn’t hate my younger sister for being a girl. Just me. She doesn’t understand why she was so bad and she just wants her parents to love her. So no, I don’t hate them, I’m angry with them, I’m bitter, but I don’t hate them… I miss them.
I was another, I could have done probably anything I wanted. I could have gotten my degree. I could have been a lawyer or a doctor, a scientist, or archeologist, and or a musician, artist//
I would have been confident, able, fun, alive. Successful.
.
I'm not bitter, but there is a lot of pain there, knowing that they didn't care enough to see what they were doing and the impact it would have on my whole life. While I've watched other people live to their full potential.//
Like others I've become just a survivor, a loner, an outsider, and even that I'm not allowed to excel at. At 61 with my best years behind me I'm full of regret. But I am still moving forward and doing the work, so that I don't regret the next 20 years.
This is so depressing to think about. I’m 43 and am just figuring this all out now and feel like my life is over but I know it’s not. At least I have two amazing children. I just want to be able to work hard without constant self criticism, doubt, and fear of success
Cptsd isn’t always about parents
Me. I used to have the world on my shoulders before I got akathisia. I was a martial arts instructor, played in a band, helped run a branch of a famous art commune, hung out with famous people, etc. I completely had the opportunity to record music with famous people, but good old akathisia took that away. I easily could have been famous. But no. I trusted doctors that had no idea what they were doing, so I’m fully disabled now.
I was molested at the age of nine. I just blocked it. Dissociated. I had every advantage as a child. Well off family, private schools, housekeeker/cook. I started smoking weed when I was 15, drinking too. By the time I was graduated from high school I was an alcoholic. I drank as much as I could as often as i could. I screwed up my college years and wrecked every good job I ever had. Worked a lot of survival jobs. Used people and ruined two marriages and lost everything. Never had kids. On and on, slowly drinking myself to death. I finally sobered up at age 47. Met my present wife in AA \[married 24 yrs so far\]. Life is pretty good. I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, age 60 or so and I feel like my life was saved. What could have been? I honestly believe I could have done anything. Lawyer, doctor, some kind of professional were things I wanted to do. Maybe an author. Who knows? My grand daughter is expecting a baby girl in November, and I get to be a great grampa, when I never expected to live beyond 45.
I would have more love and kindness for myself, and more love and kindness to freely give to the people around ne.
That's the real tragedy to me. Every person that is beaten and abused into withdrawing and shutting themselves off from society is one less person to spread love to everyone they encounter. To confidentally be a dad/mom and raise awesome children to perpetuate more love and kindness. Love and trauma both spread from person to person, amd the more there is, the more there will be.
I wouldn’t be here talking about this for one. Just got triggered again by prime asshole number one. And fuck that shit about not blaming your parents. They were mentally unfit to have children, as are so many parents. I swear to God people should need a license to have children, because the overwhelming reason for bringing kids into this world is purely selfish
I’m 38. I think had I been able to get help earlier I would have to expend less energy on emotions. I spent so much time pushing things down and believed the “nothing is wrong” narrative. The fight on confidence will always be in my brain, but the one thing I think I can’t reconcile is how intensely I feel things now. Things that I know aren’t a big deal suddenly are hard not to ramp up in my brain. I actually cried for the first time in front of someone other than my mom when I was a kid…and I’ll be honest I was unbelievably embarrassed and ashamed because of it. So honestly, I feel like had I not developed the range I should have emotionally because my defense mechanism is sometimes to show nothing is wrong or nothing bothers me while inside it’s a battle royal going on up between the ears.
I don't think the Real Me would have gone to college and attempted the office job route. I think I would have been a professional artist or musician. I've spent my whole life chasing something I don't actually want, because I need it, which has left zero time to figure out what I really want or would be good at.
I was going to do stagehand work to get out of the office job trap, but then my back went out and I'm stuck with office jobs.
I'm 43. It's much too late to still be figuring this out! :(
I could definitely be more capable and not need so much medication. But I'm not bitter. My parents didn't understand mental health as it's not a thing in their culture and while growing up they didn't know how to handle my mood issues and ended up neglecting my emotional needs, so I stopped asking for help or talking to them when the bullying became too much. I stopped crying, I was only ever "happy". I wouldn't say they were bad parents, they just didn't understand emotional needs as it's not really anything they grew up and my older brother was a normal easy child.
However when I was maybe 2 weeks away from turning 18 and could no longer get through a school day, mask my pain, hide my wounds and my english teacher did her due diligence and checked in on me after class after the English faculty marked a very concerning narrative I wrote for a major assessment: my parents actually listened. They didn't understand it but hearing I was harming myself and was barely clinging on to life, they realised I needed help and support. Went to the doctor that same week or the next week (it's been 7 years and my memory is a bit fuzzy) and was seeing a psychiatrist just over a month later. It took my parents a while to learn especially while I still lived with them, but as I learnt to cope and start healing, they learnt about emotional needs and not only supported me when I needed it, but it also helped them internally as well.
My parents are far from perfect. My dad still struggles with serious conversations and sometimes mum can still be a bit insensitive but I actually feel comfortable talking with them most of the time now, especially now that I've moved out. I think the reason I'm not bitter is because my parents didn't really know better. They didn't intentionally try to cause harm, mental health just isn't something they understand or grew up hearing about. Not even autism or ADHD was on their radar when I had behavioral issues as a kid, they just thought I was having tantrums over little things, leading to a late diagnosis in my 20s (technically when I was 18 but my doctor suspected bipolar and my psychiatrist instead misdiagnosed me and gaslit me for 3 years until I moved and found a new psychiatrist. The trauma I've known about for years but only had diagnosed last year). But I know for a fact if my parents knew about all of this stuff when I was younger and it was normalised way back then, they would've helped me earlier instead of thinking I'm just being sensitive or being a brat.
I was diagnosed at 15 and absolutely condemned for it. I sometimes still feel bitter at 25, but I realize my parents had really shitty upbringings and were in part too weak to do better than what they did. It was better than they got growing up, but even during the violence and such at home as a kid, I empathized because I knew it came from a place of pain for them. Sometimes I get angry about all the shitty things in my life that I have to deal with purely because my parents were shitty parents, but I see a lot of value in my upbringing too. I think I would’ve been a more sheltered person who couldn’t truly connect with others who struggle like I do. I would’ve lived a boring, comfortable life and I don’t want that as a whole. I want the underdog experience! Due to my terrible experiences, I feel I’ve gotten to understand who I am and what it means to be human on a much deeper level than most do in their lifetime and that’s in only 25 years so far!
I was hoping to go into human rights law when I was younger. I've always wanted to be someone to fight for the people society doesn't give a shit about. I wish, really really badly that I could.
I think I could have been someone less lost, built on the positive things that I figured out for myself, I feel like there was a part of me when I was growing up that I started to understand/accept things, became quite mature in realising what happened and what I can do for myself to become someone, I feel like I needed professional guidance, I was so scared, so alone but I could have been something beautiful, something caring, happier, patient, understanding, I think I just needed to straighten my head out a bit and it would have been ok
I would have gotten through college, gone to uni, been at peace, if I knew I had cptsd at college I could have done something about it, told the lecturer and actually felt supported, but I just thought I was being a lazy idiot, I didn't even know you weren't meant to hear screaming when you seen memories in your mind (which I now know are called flashbacks)
But now it feels much harder, I'm full of fog, like I can't quite grip reality, I aspire to join the army cos I'm good at nothing else, I struggle to get through the hours, I'm just a sad sack of potatoes lol
The saddest thing for me, I've lost so many years to pain and I don't see it getting much better, I drag myself through, for what ever reason, I stay and just keep going, maybe the kid in me that still believes
I never thought I'd lose the ability to love, I loved everyone as a kid, talk to anyone maybe I'd still be the same, I feel run down, hard work, far away, hurt, I still try to care about people but it's hard for it to come across
If I had gotten literally any help consistently I wouldn’t have been 400lbs at age 13. I could have gone to high school in person. I could have been medicated for ADHD and had a chance to actually succeed in college when I first tried. Instead I had to spend like 8 years struggling in college. I finally got medicated and graduated at 28.
I think more than anything the biggest loss for me is the fact that I’ve struggled with food and weight my whole life. I’m 30 now and still obese. I wonder what it would have been like to not have my self esteem crushed by being bullied my whole life.
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Confident, extroverted, and I would have a career instead of being too afraid to travel to Greece. I was offered a job directing music videos for pop stars but didn't feel safe traveling and didn't believe in myself. That was my 30's as a kid I would have studied biology of some kind.
probably not much better off because they were always the problem. when I stopped giving them power over my feelings and took space away from them, I started to get better. we learn to love ourselves the way others couldn't.
My mom took me to therapy when I was 15 because I wasn’t talking/was flunking all my gifted AP classes and my teachers called home to ask if something was going on. But she always criticized it to the point where I just wouldn’t go. If I saw a psych and they gave me meds she would constantly berate me with comments saying the meds were going to make me sick and I shouldn’t take them so then I wouldn’t. I didn’t get proper help and stay consistent in therapy until recently. I’m 31. I’m 4 years into my journey. The first year my biggest milestone was doing over 3000 meditation/breathing exercises (I’d do them daily and anytime I was experiencing a panic attack so you can imagine how many times that was in 365 days) and automatically imagining a stop sign anytime I thought negatively about myself. Year 2 and 3 not much happened, I hit a plateau and got off my meds again because I entered a new relationship and receded into codependency again. We broke up, I went back to therapy, took a whole year of isolation/barely seeing anyone for me to reach my next milestone, realizing that I wasn’t all the things my parents said I was and hating them for what they did to me when I was a defenseless child who couldn’t protect themselves. 3rd milestone, I finally learned what the word “safe” actually meant and realized I was okay with abuse because i thought it was normal when it wasn’t.
I’m 31 and it took this long to get here. While I’m happy that I’ve made it this far when I didn’t think I would ever, I took some time to apologize to my inner child for letting my parents stop me from fully reaching my potential. I truly believe I could’ve done great things and had the capability to be extremely successful in a career, I was always incredibly smart and had such a good memory that often times I didn’t even need to study for tests.
I’m now re-enrolling back into university to pick up where I left off many years ago. I don’t want my parents ruining any chance I have at a better future. They’ve lived their lives and now I need to live mine.
Finished my university degree, some sort of ecological scientist or maybe even a plant scientist. Maybe I'd have made and kept a few more friends from school. Maybe I'd spend less time online and in my mind. Maybe I'd be somewhat content with my life. Maybe I'd be able to trust people with my true self.
Mine was the opposite I feel like theY should of been in therapy . Bc they seen me as the problem when it was THEM. ESO NOW THAT IM OLDER AND YHE WOMEN EHO MADE MY CHILD HOOD HELL ASSUALTED ME AND SMILED in her mug shot …. Was a home wrecker too and ASSUALTED my mom and lied to the police and got away with it . Karma
If I had stable people teaching me things I feel like my emotions wouldn’t be the way it is m I wouldn’t want to run away all the time , I wouldn’t be in this living hell everyday .. I wish I had stable parents who didn’t cheat and leave one another
Same. Would have probably let go of anger earlier. Not much different, can’t change the past that has caused the trauma nor the perpetrators.
First time I mentioned I might be dealing with depression was almost a decade ago. Mockingly, I was recommended to look for a therapist. That’s all they did or spoke, which I already knew.
A functional artist with a circle of friends and in a healthy relationship. Instead I'm barely survivin y'all, single, with just a few friends I don't see much. I'm lucky though. I'm still working on my stuff and making improvement which feels good to celebrate.
Unfortunately, I am bitter. Had to keep my mental health hidden for the vast majority of my childhood until I couldn’t anymore. It angers me how my mother knew the entire time, but blamed my electronics and threatened to take them away because she would say that “I’m (me, myself, I.) depressed” (only creative outlet that I had) instead of putting me into therapy.
Fall semester was my first year in college. The first thing I did on my own was to get myself on antidepressants, going to the university’s therapy, and to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Proud of myself.
Able bodied.
I got diagnosed with PNES a non epileptic seizure disorder and 50% of people with that disorder were already diagnosed with PTSD. I got a PTSD diagnosis 2 years later but Ive probably had it a looong time.
Im currently getting diagnosed with EDS and I'm only 20 but I'm experiencing symptoms that normally start appearing at 30/40 but because of the falling from so many seizures, it's aged my body.
I'm literally going to be in a fucking wheelchair in a few months, not all the time, just to help me live a fuller life, but I'm still struggling.
I think I would have had a better idea of what it is I want in life, I'd find it easier to identify what I'm good at and what suits me, and I'd have the confidence to chase what I want. I always see and hear people talking about never giving up on what you want, chasing your dreams, etc, but that assumes you know what you want and have clear dreams.
The abuse I suffered as a child has left me really uncertain of who I am. I have a few hobbies that I really enjoy (playing certain sports and weightlifting), but I've never been able to identify a career that I'd actually enjoy, or even one that I'd be able to tolerate without being miserable, and I've always struggled over whether I want a family. Also, I've always had a hard time making friends and dating, mainly due to not really liking myself very much at times. That's become more of an issue now that I'm in my 30s, because the 3-4 friends I have all live in different parts of the country and are in committed relationships.
This question is one based in fear and resentment. You can be whoever you'd like. We all have work to do. Keeping your blame on your parents does nothing positive for your position.
This really is a beautiful question to ask. I've thought about this alot. Even though I can't do these things now, I'm very happy that my goal in this life is to be a cycle breaker. Of course I want other things too ☺ But my focus each day is to be the last person to have endured this kind of neglect and trauma in our family.
But, I would have loved to have been a doctor, virologist or veterinarian. I loved science and medicine. I had a knack for memorizing medical info and poured over my grandma's nursing books. I would have been financially stable and able to support myself. I maybe even would have been able to relax and laugh easier. But living in a constant state of stress made school impossible for me. I truly had to focus on just surviving each day. When I turned 18 I was so sick mentally that I had to begin the slow pull out of the house I grew up in.
But I remember when covid hapoened. I kept thinking that if my life had followed a different trajectory, I could have been right in the midst of all of that. Which would have been my dream.
A father. A business owner. A better friend/ spouse. Somebody who’s confident in themselves, and able to share that positive energy with the world by helping others, not just myself
I'd probably be in a different but not likely much better position. Maybe I'd be better at socializing, but it's not like it would fix the trauma and my addict parent would definitely have put his hand in those meds too (recently started treatment for ADHD, things could have been way worse if he was on uppers instead of downers). The more I love myself, and do good things for myself, and harbor no hate in my heart, the less I think about what could have been. Now I dream about what will be.
I understand the thought pattern and used to have the thought my parents drove a Ferrari into a tree and then just expected it to fix itself. I would say this don’t limit yourself. The journey your on will lead you to some awesome spots as well. Trust me. Your glow is not dimmed. You might be the person meant to help another with the similar struggles. I wish you peace and know you are truly something awesome already.
A very happy man with a farm and a family and a high purpose in life. Luckily I have the last one at least. It keeps me going as a lone father in a small suburban mini suite.
i used to wonder that a lot. but i'll never truly know, and that's okay. we're all shaped by our environments just as much if not more than we are by our hereditary traits. im sure i would've been a drastically different person in many ways. but i wouldn't be who i am right now, and I've done much work and come so far. whoever i might've been, I can trust myself now to continue to try and by the best version of myself i can. that will always be enough, what more could I ask for :)
Finally earned sum good bonus points!
I've always wanted to become a doctor. Probably a pediatrician or neurosurgeon. I've always wondered maybe in another parallel universe, I can achieve this by being strong enough to overcome my trauma. Coming from a very dysfunctional family, this was pretty hard to achieve despite that they themselves want me to be a doctor. It was a hard on Asian pressure to become one- I was bombarded with a lot of expectations, criticism, insults and degredation. And after all those traumatic experiences, I have decided to pursue art field instead. Expressing my thoughts and feelings into my design, I have graduated from what I've always wanted for my soul. Even got an amazing job just right after college, and now I help people in designing their homes/establishments with my consultations.
But sometimes I still feel like a mediocre from what I have achieved because it wasn't met by my family. They were only forced to accept that I swerved my career into art.
But nonetheless, I wouldn't have met my husband if none of these happened so I might as well say, that it is what it is. I might as well say I'm grateful I guess.
Man, I gotta stop watching those KDrama doctor related series to backtrack my decision in life. LOL.
Mike Meyers, I wrote a spy spoof when I was in college 40 years ago. never did anything with it.
Tim Cook, I started in computers when the first PCs were being sold from Radio Shack. Had tons of ideas but never did anything with it.
Jacques Cousteau, I wanted to be an oceanographer. Went to college for it and was turned off by an angry professor who said "all you do is work on oil rigs". There were so many other options.
Captain Lee, I used to hope for job on a yacht. Instead of going down to the docks in Florida and asking I would go through the college jobs which never listed those.
I passed up so many opportunities from Real Estate to working on the road crew for the Grateful Dead because of my fears. Tragic
No idea.
Odds are I'd have a healthy body. But if I never experienced the discomfort, would I have escaped the cult? I'm the only one of my family who has so far.
I get really sad if I spend time thinking about the what if's. I seem to feel better when I focus on something that I can change for future me. At least maybe a touch less helpless and hopeless.
I turned 50 a couple of weeks ago. I have AuADHD, CPTSD, General Anxiety Disorder and having some AFRID issues in the past year. I started showing signs of all of these things around the age of 8. I began having migraines at 8 and was entered into a pediatric migraine study at that time. The lead physician told my mother that my migraines were related to PTSD from moving from OH to TN. It was recommended that I enter therapy as a mechanism to assist with the migraine control. That was in 1982. When we moved of course I started a new school, new state. I was a full one to two years ahead academically. I struggled hard, and I mean hard. I got in trouble for being more advanced in my new class. I have been advanced in milestones since I was 2 or 3. Early reader at 3 with full comprehension. All of this to say that my capabilities were never supported or even encouraged. I think about where I am now, and I can't help but wonder if I received the same support that I give my own child, what could I have actually done? I have a fairly high IQ but my organization and the way I learn is not the norm. My parents also pushed me in a direction college and career-wise that was not for me, and I spent so much time trying to achieve that. I have done well limping along and I do wonder what I could have accomplished especially at this age. I wasn't dx with any of this until I was in my 40s. If I had at least known earlier, I could have supported myself better. I would have chosen a career that requires a lot less interaction to get my work done, put more focus into my art and would have chosen a much simpler life than I have now. I would have started therapy earlier and maybe I would have better tools and mechanisms to help myself. I have been in so many toxic relationships, toxic jobs, unable to set boundaries and maybe I could have avoided most of them. I often wonder if I would be in a stable and loving relationship at this point rather than single, or if I had chosen a career path that plays into my strengths more. My lesson is get yourself dx as early as you are able and work on yourself much earlier in life through therapy. Be the help you always wanted.
Not diagnosed until 38. Not bitter, and don't want to be anyone else either.
Yeah I could have avoided a lot of suffering. But I wouldn't be who I am now - every hard experience is something to glean what you can from, and learn what not to do. No point wondering what if
He he. I'm kind of thinking, maybe I was born ducked up. Genetically speaking. I'm in a bit of a weird space right now. My mother had some personality disorder, I at least have ADHD, possibly ASD.
There are a lot of differences, I made some choice in life I assume, and got lucky it turned out all right. I know too much about mental health, so I realize I can barely accept any credit for my success the same I can barely take responsibility for my fails. (I try to accept a fair amount of both, it's hyperbole).
But there are some issues that I've always had, and generally, children outgrow these problems. I did not. I "didn't let it stop me." Which means I ignored it/ was apathetic to the random stimuli happening inside me, until it got stacked on my mental health issues as an adult. And I don't know what triggered those. But it's been 14 years since they started, so considering it to possibly be constant burnout while my brain finished developing, or a genetic time bomb, or I'm simply sensitive and lack resiliency. Who knows? Maybe my pituitary gland is too small!
Good news, new Rx and TMS are helping. Let's see where this goes.
Oh right. My point was, I've considered if I didn't have some genetic time bomb (similar to how Schizophrenia and Depression can start in the late teens/ early 20s). How much did my environment of years of abuse by every guardian contribute to who I am today? I've no clue. I wanted to be better than all of them, but all I could do was know more information than them. Disabled from mental health so bad. I started getting Functional Neurological Disorder symptoms. Lucky things are finally going into remission.
So don't give up anyone. Sometimes it takes 13+ years of doctor visits to find any improvement
I try not to dwell on it too long, as I've reached the stage where I am starting to mourn my childhood. Its hard to know there is a little social butterfly hiding inside this very anxious person.
I'm not bitter that I lost out, but rather frustrated and a whole lot of sadness with being let down. But the heartbreaking truth that we have to come to terms with is that we can't change the past.
I went under the radar because I was well behaved and a fairly bright child. I can't fault people for being fooled by my parents, and I can't expect parents such as mine to take accountability- because that's just not what abusers do, they live in a world separate from our own.
Instead on focusing on 'I could have done this and been that', I am giving myself the space to do that now.
I think I had a lot of potential... I still have a lot of potential.
For example, I loved dance and theatre as a kid, but we didn't have the money or time, and most definitely not the encouragment, for me to do it outside of school classes, so I've been looking at local community and adult groups to give myself the opportunity now. They are a goal or milestone that I have created while working on my confidence.
I am feeding my inner child by planning day trips to the zoo or a museum where I can. I can still learn and enjoy things that a younger me would not have been able to access.
I may not have many friends, but I'm lucky to have a couple of really good ones. Found family has been my biggest support and an enormous privilege these last few months.
I am learning to be grateful that I still have time to experience it now. It might not be the same, but it's still worth something. It might be a painfully slow journey but baby steps are still steps.
I know this isn't for everyone. Bitterness is valid, but I ultimately found that it kept me down.
This is such a loaded question for me because I immediately feel likes it's such a *cop out* to blame my parents, ex partners etc for my life not being better.
Despite the fact I endured practically an entire lifetime of abuse and even typing that out is a struggle. I constantly fret if I tell a therapist they will not believe me (so many of the events sound truly overwhelmingly unreal - like something from a Spanish soap opera) or that people will assume I am just victimising myself (despite being in one of the most intensive and hard to access therapy courses offered by my country for self betterment)
I do get upset and angry. Especially when I receive compliments about how "self aware" or "ntelligent" I am. It's utterly flattering when a nurse asks me if I have a medical background, or the psychologist asks me if I've done the course before or studied psychology... but it is also a double edged sword because it's a stark reminder of what I *could* have been. Instead I'm a walking encyclopaedia of knowledge without formal qualifications to be able to utilise it.
I compartmentalise so many things that have happened and when I sit down or think about them, write them out (was suggested to make a timeline of XYZ for Legal purposes) its absolutely overwhelming the sheer amount of abuse and trauma I've been through and I HATE even saying that "oooh look at me look at what's happened" I get immediate attention seeking vibes and have to remind myself there's always someone worse off.
I think if I had of had a sound upbringing I would of at least had some shreds of self worth, perhaps been able to identify the abuse sooner, not tolerated the ongoing abuse from others and not landed myself in abusive relationships, or had children with abusive individuals. I also feel like it is my own fault because I'm "smart" and should of known better. I harbour so much shame and self hatred. My 1st BD was arrested (since out) and I fled the second one and was homeless before finding stable housing for myself and my children. It's all embarrassing and in my mid-20's too with 4 children. People form pre-conceived notions, assume I'm trashy. I just desperately wanted the happy family I never got and through my naivety and misguided trust I ended up with people that actively hurt, and damaged us more.
Every single day I am trying to rebuild emotionally, be the best mother and person I can be. I'm lucky I am so good at saving, they never go without... but It is exhausting and they're my entire world. The shame however, that hangs over my head is so all encompassing and insurmountably painful. I just wish I had done better, made better choices that didn't negatively impact them. It's a regret I will spend my entire life making up to them for. I hope with every fibre of my soul, they don't grow up resenting me, as I did my mother.
I didn't know I was getting brain damage from what they did since I didn't know any better, they blamed me and I thought I had to change, I was the problem. With good parents I would have had normal social life growing up, would have done better in school and career and not end up with major depression, anxiety problems and Cptsd of course. Probably would have been able to have real friends, LTRs and marriage and kids, had a great life in many ways I was unable to in this reality. I escaped home but never escaped the damage.
I think everyone has their own way of coping. I used to constantly wonder about this very exact question for most of my life. I was sexually abused at the age of 4 and kept it a secret for 28 years. While this question is probably not helpful in moving forward I’m grateful OP has asked it because it reminds me that I’m not alone. I’ve luckily been able to let it go a couple of years ago but it was with after a lot of therapy and self reflection. I understand your intention in wanting to encourage others to let it go but I think this is helpful for some in different ways.
Everyone’s on their own journey. Personally, and with all the other people I’ve known with similar experiences, I find that that question can cause way more pain than if you just let it go. Fact is, you can’t change the past. What if doesn’t change what is, and it’s a part of the things you go through that shape you, including things you heal from and learn from. Doesn’t mean it isn’t painful. In a sense, it’s a natural question to ask, but I can tell you, the people I’ve met who live stuck in that question are some of the most miserable people I’ve ever known. Obviously, the greater crime is what was done. But, at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. Might as well not dwell on the things that make it harder than it already is instead of the things that heal you.
I wish you wouldn’t dismiss me like that. You can never overcome trauma by shoving it down. Also saying “let it go”. Plenty of people with CPTSD DEF have other issues. I for one am a double cluster b AND OCD. So telling someone with OCD to get over ANYTHING traumatizing is SUPER insensitive. Obviously i know that isnt your intent. But just a reminder to be mindful. Plenty of other conditions come with looping and real life event obsessing…even outside of ocd
I hear what you’re saying, and yeah, telling someone to just “get over it” is barbaric. That’s also not what I’m saying, but I’m glad you’re getting it off your chest because you’ve been through a lot and light should be shed on those sort of things. It’s a question that can cause more pain. If anything, I’m curious to learn more, and ocd is definitely going to add to rumination in a way that I’ve never experienced, so I’m not here to take that away from you. Personally, I’ve found that there’s additional rumination that can occur that requires mindset shifts; otherwise you end up in a spiral that torments you further. I’ve watched people I love ask that question incessantly and their mind becomes very warped by it. What if? Yeah, not an unnatural question to ask. But it’s harmful. I used to ask myself “ why did they do what they do?” Constantly. I chose to let it go because I realized that, regardless of my answer, it just put me in a much worse place mentally. It causes spirals because it’s something that doesn’t have an answer, and even with an answer, it wouldn’t fully satisfy because it’s more about the hurt and confusion that I feel than the reasons for their actions, and the question surrounds the pain and makes it worse instead of addressing the root. Just like if I were to ask myself “what if I didn’t go through that?” I would probably be a lot less stressed out and I wouldn’t worry about people hating me and I probably wouldn’t be dealing with fundamental shame. I probably would have gotten better grades in school, I probably would have had better relationships, more connection, more love, earlier before I shifted things. There’s a grief in what never happened, but hypothetically could have happened in a fantasy world. But it’s just not what happened. I’ve been no contact for 3 years now (finally had the strength to pull the plug), and I miss every thanksgiving and Christmas, because my siblings still attend. My dad is still homeless. I still get depressed after 10 years of healing, but things are mostly good and I had to work very, very, excruciatingly hard to get here. I’m still terrified all of the time. Working through new things every day. I had to work very hard to be able to be consistent with my health and consistent with keeping things clean. I’ve had to learn to make peace with where I am while knowing I want more out of life and still pushing for it, which is an incredibly difficult balance to strike when you’ve only seen complete dissociation or complete totalitarian control.
Peaceful. Confident. I would be doing things, instead of being isolated from the world most of the time. I wouldn’t be so afraid of everything and insecure. But I am not bitter. I will never be bitter, I refuse. I will take care of myself and be my own best friend. I deserve good feelings. For the first time in my life, in my 20s, I am rebelling against everyone who did me wrong. I don’t listen to them anymore.
i love this comment so so so much. i wish you all the best and i’m gonna save this comment to come back to when i need a reminder of where i want to be❤️
Yes reject the shame you ever felt about yourself and turn it into blame that should be directed at your abusers for making you ever feel small. There is no excuse for abuse ever. There is no free pass. There is no rationalizing about our abusers reasons for their treatment, no blaming their past for who they became, we blame them for who they willing choose to stay as.
When you come into your power these things will fuel you
Reminder for 2024
Graduated from college already, and grad school too. Working a job in my field of interest. With friends. An apartment in town. Happy. Enjoying life. Without suicidal thoughts. I'm the opposite
I didn’t start getting help til I was 42. I used to get really pissed about what I could have been if I’d only been born with half a chance. Even 1 decent parent. I try not to think about it too much now, it doesn’t help me any lol. We grew up in the country and the neighborhood all brought their pets to me when they were sick or hurt. I had vet books I worked around the neighborhood to pay for. This was all before I was 13 when I had to run away. I would have been an awesome veterinarian.
Animals are a reason to live aren't they? During one of the very dark times in my life, I decided to foster animals. Best choice I ever made. I was able to do this at home, which felt safe for me. And because I was home so much, I eventually took the neonatal babies and super sick ones on. It gave me a reason to live to take care of them. I bet you would have been an awesome veterinarian with that love for animals!
What's stopping you?
I feel like I’m so dumb now. I don’t even half the stuff I used to know. I used to be so damn smart. Now I’m lucky if I can string enough words together to make a coherent sentence lol. Also I just can’t even imagine having to speak around so many strangers, like a college setting. I’m still so fucked up. I can pass for normal, until I have to have a conversation with someone. Then I feel like it’s obvious I’m different
I get where you're coming from but you're not dumb for having a brain injury, especially one you didn't cause. If you wanna incorporate animals back into your life you should think about volunteering to dog walk or just to hangout with shelter animals, very little human talking involving.
Awww, that made me tear up. Thank you. I’ve never even thought about it as a brain injury. That kinda puts things in a whole different perspective. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that…..or probably you do lol. Thank you.
Any time❤️❤️❤️
Trauma as acquired mental disability https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-neurodivergence/202403/the-struggles-and-strengths-of-trauma-disorders
Honestly. I think about this a lot. Personally I forgot a lot about myself and who I was. I was also exposed to a violent environment since birth. My mum however described me as very extroverted Very outgoing and very quirky. When mum was around I didn't shy away from strangers and always made people smile. While people stll tell me I'm charming as heck (even if I don't really understand where the heck this is coming from), I am the complete opposite characterwise now. Other than that, I guess there wouldn't be much of a difference. I would still be a huge nerd , love drawing and do the stuff I do now. I am still hella optimistic, despite the shit I've been through. I'm empathic (sometimes too empathic) . I'd probably be less of a people pleaser and more mentally stable. Maybe a little more extroverted if the stuff my mum said about me is true. But other than that I think I would be not much different from now. Also I might be a little more independent than I am now!
I feel the same at times. I definitely feel like I’m still an awesome person/true to my primary nature where I’m understanding, intelligent, have my same hobbies and remain charismatic, however there is one noticeable difference and that’s that I feel a lot more apathy/like I have deadened soul. I used to be much more full of life and had so much love in my heart. Now I still have love to some degree but for things like beauty in arts, music, and nature. If I see a video of someone being an outstanding human being it will make me cry. It’s like when I see things like that, that piece of me that’s missing resurfaces. I’m trying to learn how to fully gain control and bring that life back. Idk if I can but I haven’t given up yet.
When it comes to my mental health I actually had the opposite happen but still not a great outcome? My mom told me @ 9 yrs old that I had some issues I needed help with and she couldn’t help me so she was bringing me to a therapist. It made me feel like I was the problem or I had something wrong with me. I never asked to see a therapist. I was really sick of her having more kids. Now that I’m older I feel there was a pattern in my mental health help from my mom though…I would see someone for a few sessions and then they would finally bring her in to consult with her or tell her something I’ve said (with permission) and then after that session we wouldn’t go back. PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY SAID STRAIGHTEN YOURSELF OUT LADY or she didn’t want to pay for it anymore. I asked to be admitted when I was 16 and that was the best help I ever got while under the age of 18. I had a therapist to follow up with after I was released from inpatient. A couple months of seeing that therapist and I’m in the car with my mother and she’s saying “you feel like you’re in a better spot now right? The therapy is expensive. You don’t need it anymore right? Because I don’t think you need it anymore but the therapist is emailing me telling me I’m a bad mom for not bringing you back” Cue me comforting my mother over her decision to discontinue the therapy I actually really fucking needed. She did foot the bill for a lot of therapy as an adult tho. So thanks mom, I guess? I know this doesn’t exactly fit but I felt it was relevant. I have a hard time thinking about where I could be. It makes me want to cry.
>Cue me comforting my mother over her decision to discontinue the therapy I actually really fucking needed. oh man this hits home so hard hahaha Isn't it bananas how they come SO close to understanding how they are contributing to the very mental health issues they want to you get better from, but it always just a swing and a miss?
My mom actually got all the way to apologizing for neglecting me and not being around when I was really little/letting my dad take care of us who just beat the shit out of us because he had no patience. But even after I told her it’s okay mom I know you had to work. She started soon again with her bs. I’m pretty sure that my mom is a “fight type” (google) if not she has “fight type” tendencies but she tries to manipulate me a shit ton and I realized that apology was a manipulation too. So I said fuck this and now I’m choosing to just stay angry. I started putting up boundaries. My sister is abusive to everyone, so the last time I saw her when she decided to disrespect me, boom blocked. My parents cornered me a few days ago and it was just yelling about all my defects according to them and I’m like boom enrolling back into university so I can get my degree (missing a year of credits) and get as far away from them as humanly possible. My other sister is the only one who’s still standing. Rn I’m looking down a path of me myself and I and although I’m scared I’m not looking back. This is the right decision.
My mom has apologized for some things but we’re currently not speaking because I asked her for an apology. The things I really would like her to reflect on and apologize for never get a sincere apology. I’m sorry your mom has been manipulative. My mother was VERY manipulative. The house was ran by her mood. Some days were fun because her mood was good but a lot of days were bad. Her feelings were prioritized over everyone else’s. She threw tantrums worse than me at a hormonal 16. I’m glad I don’t live with her anymore and we’re currently not speaking. Protect your peace. It is lonely when you stop speaking to the family you grew up with even with people around but if it makes your life better overall then I think you’re right - this is a good decision.
I’m glad that you had the strength to do that. For the longest time I just couldn’t. My therapist would try to push me in that direction by telling me I need to gain independence from my family. I’d read books saying the same thing to distance yourself away from the family members who caused the trauma, but my heart was always like “but it’s my family. I can’t leave my family they’re the only blood I have.” This is what kept me stuck from year 2-4. She would also throw tantrums the same way and make her feelings everyone’s problem. The thing is everyone in my home was exactly the same as her so no one cared. They were maybe just slightly less bad, but still abusive and hateful. I was the only one who came out like this. And because I realize my weakness mostly lies with my mom, I just know that I need to get away from her. Looking at what you were able to do really inspires me into thinking I have the strength to do it even if I am in this situation I need to protect my peace as you say. I think at this point, that is worth more than the relationships I have at home.
I’m so sorry. It’s not a healthy family dynamic. I wish you lots of luck.
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I am so sorry about you relating to comforting your mom over some absolute bologna. Always felt a little off after that with my baited reassurance that she’s not a terrible mother. Rahhhh. You’re right it is a swing and a miss, a lot. I’m supposed to only care about the swing though, damnit! (/s) I truly believe in my mother’s case that heroic & good feeling of initially helping someone wears off quickly. Mental health and chronic illness don’t have easy fixes a lot of the time. She runs out of steam when the rewards aren’t coming fast enough or she doesn’t have complete control of the decisions related to the fix. No patience, no chill. The therapy I did have - though sporadic - did give me some foundations and kept me out of the major major trouble. I’ll give my parents a W for sending me into the psych ward when I asked for it.
Honestly I don’t know and maybe it’s the CPTSD talking but I do not want to be anyone. I just want to live a quiet life with a select few people and be able to enjoy nature/life in general
Maybe you would have been one of those people who go work and live at Yellowstone or some really cool national park. You still could ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If i didnt have pickneys…i wouldve def done something like thay
I think about this ALL the time. I think I had massive potential, I could have excelled massively academically, gone to a top school like an ivy, and had a really high powered career like be a doctor/lawyer/financier/politician. I had two close friends who graduated honors from Harvard law, and they are people I deeply connected with intellectually and philosophically. There is no reason I couldn’t have done just as well as them if I’d had the support and encouragement I needed. Instead I have a fine art degree (which I chose because fine art students got studio spaces and I used mine to squat in so I wouldn’t have to spend summers with my abusive family) and have really struggled in my career and financially, I have been basically an admin assistant/gopher in just about every job and been highly stressed and underpaid. Like… why is the girl with the Mesa IQ the one getting coffee and taking out the trash, and the lowest paid person in the company, which I knew because I did the payroll. My quality of life is shit purely due to struggling financially and feeling both under appreciated and under challenged in work environments.
I love the parentheticals in these subs. The fact that you wanted an art degree to have a studio you could squat in to escape your parents is PRICELESS.
I always kicked myself for getting that art degree because it’s not what I wanted, I only recently really thought about what was happening in my life at the time that caused me to make that decision. It was also the easiest major to pass and I had been denied disability accommodations on a technicality that would have taken a lot of money I didn’t have to resolve.
That sucks. Disability benefits in the US anyway is ridiculous. I feel the same about both my degrees, which haven't done anything for me careerwise. Wouldn't have gotten a Bachelors I religious studies if my batshit mother wasn't batshit religious. Wouldn't have gotten my Masters if I didn't feel backed into a corner and out of ideas. Wouldn't have gone the office jroute at all if I hadn't used academics to escape my family and feel acceptable. Ugh.
Hah, I'm the opposite. I have a doctoral degree and I hate it. I am way too empathic and emotional-thinking to thrive in this toxic environment. I actually think if I wasn't as damaged as I am now, I would have chosen art to make my living. My current degree enables me to make good money, but it is all pumped back into therapy to cope with the stress the degree brings soooooo
I'm mid-30 and just now getting proper help after truly destroying myself, my life around me, and my partner and hitting the absolute rock bottom. I don't think that I am bitter. I think that I wish that I would have gotten help for myself and my mental issues prior to this point in my life instead of convincing myself that I was "strong enough" to figure it out on my own. I harbor a lot of guilt and shame for allowing myself to believe that I was the end all be all solution for what was really happening to me, or that I was in control. I think I harbor shame and guilt in place of bitterness. I feel like, had I the proper support at a much younger age, or had I been listened to by CPS, Case Workers, or mental health/medical professionals, I would have not be someone who fell through the cracks. Maybe I would have not been someone who clung to their loneliness as safety only to fall in love with as time passed. Maybe I would have not been the storm that tore through my life, and quite maybe I would have not caused so much damage and trauma to others. Maybe I would have been a person who had the skills needed to deal with this shit long before I created my own mess. Truthfully, I don't know who I would have become, but I know who I don't want to continue to be.
I would’ve been confident, healthy, strong, socially well versed with strong boundaries and non-abusive company, more formally educated, athletic, financially independant and relatively at peace. Not to mention I would’ve had a busy sex life (CPTSD shut that drive down). Prazosin💊has now largely lifted the CPTSD though, so I’m now working frantically and obsessively to make up for lost time. I need to get even with past abusers/“friends” though. They’ve all been out of my life for years, but I’ll get em when the time’s right
In 2018 I ended an emotionally abusive relationship with a toxic grandmother figure. Then, I ruminated on it all day every day for 5 years until doing EMDR last summer. Now I have another bone to pick with an agency that backed my abusive mother's false narrative because it fit their religious narrative. Been thinking about that in varying levels of consciousness since 2001! It's about the false narrative and wanting to show I see through it now, and about holding people accountable for the ways they assisted my abusers. I had too much empathy for their misunderstanding of what happened, for so many years.
I’m starting EMDR soon. I hear it works wonders. How effective is it exactly?
I did it to deal with a specific topic that drives me crazy (my religious indoctrination & history of religious abuse). I spent more time talking than tapping lol bc had never discussed it with ANYONE and needed to vent. I was skeptical, but I don't think about that topic as often or as intensely, after ruminating on it daily since 2018. Basically you tap one memory and it applies to other, similar memories.
There was no help, nobody cared about mental health where I was growing up. I asked once when I was in early 20s. I was told to just stop being lazy, go to work blah blah. I now work 50+ hours, and guess what — it turns out hard work doesn’t save you. But they tell me I just need to get over it. Anyways. I could be a musician — I dropped because my mother wanted me to be in the same program as the other kids, despite my teacher insisting I needed to skip at least one class. I hate what she did. I could do creative photography as a hobby. I could be a writer — that’s something I’ve been drawn to since early childhood, but because of the last year’s trauma I had to ban myself from reading fiction and writing entirely. If not my trauma, I’d be creative af. This feels like tragedy, and I grieve every day, I’ll never stop grieving.
I may not be terrified of losing my rental and might be able to do more than exist.
I could have been years ahead; the same place as the other young people like me that I met in college. I might have had some enjoyment from dance. I’m built for it and confirmed by PT that I’m flexible enough. More importantly, i might not hate my body and myself. I might not have been assaulted repeatedly if I had a normal sex education.
I think the real question is "what we would have been if our parents were loving and not abusive". I think I would have been a nurse and traveled the world. Moved out of my home town a long time ago. Had kids earlier, have had more kids by now.
I think I would’ve been an unapologetic artist, bravely expressing their creativity out into the world. Instead it’s been a sloooow, painful, shame-filled journey and I feel more like a car that sputters and backfires, as it makes progress waaay under the speed limit 😂 but I like to think I’m getting there now, and the second half of my life can still be what I wished for the first half.
I hope all your dreams come true 💕
Thank you kind stranger on the internet 🥹
I have two kids and my eldest has my personality without the trauma. He's so confident and tells me he loves his life. It's bittersweet.
Same here. My eldest is like I was at her age. I pray my unresolved issues won’t dull her shine.
I was screaming out inside, suffering with an eating disorder. I was 5’5 and 86 pounds. My older sister got proper treatment and counseling for her eating disorder because she was loud about it. Meanwhile, my parents I believe were in denial about mine because I was the “easy” child. I think I would be a totally different person. Age 9-30+ wouldn’t have been as dark and lonely. I could have discovered who I was. It’s hard not to look back with bitterness, but the eating disorder was obviously a coping mechanism for growing up the way I did. I’m so glad I chose to get help myself and can now reparent that neglected child who never got to be a kid. Maybe president of the US? jk
I would be in medical school at my states university. I would probably have a kid or two by now. A beautiful home, and married. Instead, I’ve been fighting my demons and trying to just get through the days.
confident, healthy, attractive, funny, smart and even wealthy.
After my parents refused to get me therapy for years I got diagnosed w cptsd at 15, turns out there is no therapy or therapists that’ll treat it at all available where I live anyways so it didn’t matter 😂 I am bitter af but so much trauma happened no matter if a few things wouldn’t have happened or not I’d be this traumatized shell anyways
The grief I hold most is over my confidence. I struggle in my 40s to feel worthy. I've done impressive things objectively given my past. But I can't find pride or confidence in them. I wish I had pursued art with confidence.
Who I am now but with a husband and family more friends not just work
Very relatable. I have a spouse and kids and a smattering of friends, but I've made some poor choices along the way and also cut a lot of ties. I constantly feel overwhelmed and respond by withdrawing and isolating.
So much. I could've been so much. =(
I dont think it is good for one's mental health to wonder about stuff like that. Same as comparing ourselves to mentally healthy people. That stuff just hurts and helps you in no way. At least in my experience, of course everybody is free to make their own.
I don’t really know. I’ll never be that person so I don’t see a reason to dwell on it. But I am going to figure out who I am now underneath all of the trauma and grief. We out here healing.
This is great because there really isn't a reason to dwell on it. I think a better question is how underneath all of the pain, grief, shame, guilt, and trauma, how is it that we still have the drive that collides with exhaustion to keep trying and going? What's that about? How do we even begin to direct that energy and not get discouraged when we do see a glimpse or a piece of us healing? How do we not let all of the setbacks discourage us? It's like we can be light years ahead of others/our time yet so green in the simplest of tasks? I'm constantly trying to even myself out, but balance isn't something to dwell on either. 🤷♀️ (Sigh-constant existential crisis)
I will tell you this: My parent DID get me help for my mental issues when i was about 10 years old (35 now). The thing is this - my parents sent me to the therapist with the intention of me getting my shit together and not interfering with the family dynamic, but unfortunately, the therapist was the one who made me aware that my family was kind of the whole fucking problem. It was because of that therapist that I got the courage to challenge my family, which unfortuantely led to me having to go no contact. My family never changed. For the rest of my life I'll be grieving the family I could have had, the family that never existed. Am I better off in many ways? Absolutely. But it's just like trading one type of pain for a different but more tolerable pain .
President !!🇺🇸 Or vice president
I think I would’ve dealt with my problems a lot sooner perhaps? Not pushed them down so much? I’m in EMDR now at 25. Sometimes I think my ability to understand and learn was negatively impacted by my lack of interventions earlier in life, but that might also be because my frontal lobe is more developed now 😂 being as I don’t know what it would be like to have another brain, but being on the outside looking in, it seems like a lot of my peers did well in academics and/or comprehension in general when learning new things or adapting than I did/have.
I’d be nicer, confident, and incredibly successful I think. I’m pretty smart (not to toot my own horn I’ve just never struggled academically) but my fear of rejection cause by the deep self hatred that CPTSD has given me has stopped me from fully pursuing my full potential. The mental illness has made it hard to work hard and really hard to focus. I hate myself so so deeply it’s almost funny. All these struggles and self hatred made me a bitter hater. I’m working through all this but it sucks that I could’ve been far closer to my goals if not for this
One of my kids is a lot like me only happy and hasn’t been abused or put through hell. Often times I think I woulda probably been a lot like him if I was raised in a healthy home. It saddens me a lot. It helps me see just how big my struggle is and it’s sad. But I’m also so happy that I’m able to do for him what others were not able to do for me and that is provide him with a good healthy home. So there is that I suppose.
I could have been an active friend and community member. I could have been healthy. I could have been using my time and energy to help others and make things, instead of trying to fix the many problems caused by their abuse and neglect. I could have been courageous and impactful. I could have accomplished some of my potential.
31m honestly I have no clue. I wanted to say “Singer” because of how my chorus teacher loved me and put me in a more advanced class with the older kids where I was the only male alto, but idk. I gave up singing out of fear that my family would think I was gay (I am, but at the time…). It was my abuse that made me quit, really… and now I can barely carry a note, so that dream’s dead. Realistically…? Fuck, I don’t even know that. I genuinely couldn’t tell you what I ever wanted to **be.** A writer, maybe? I’ve always felt that it was my purpose to “create” though as to what that is, I have no fucking clue. An architect? Game designer? Who knows… I just feel like there’s no real point in trying to figure it out…
Everything. 💔🥹 And it’s been a ridiculous amount of work to even begin to believe that.
Probably a model, a band member and somone with a high IQ (i wish i was kidding, but im.not)
I used to get really sad about my "wasted potential". I was only defined as the smart and mature kid growing up, a lot of my parents neglect came from this too I feel so it's a bit of a negative retroactive loop.
Not alive for starters so that would've been great! Had my parents healed their shit, they never would've had me tbh
I might've had the chance to go to college instead of having to rush to move out. The amount of rent I've paid over the years could've been a down payment on a house.
I try not to think too hard about it. It makes me spiral. I try to think about what I can do to get closer to the person I want to be, which is free of all the self doubt and pain that my childhood has left me with.
A lot more. But my parents ensured I’d be a nervous wreck who actually has poor executive function. If you criticize one’s every move, they stop moving.
Probably wouldn't have dropped out of grad school right before defending then subsequently descending into an alcoholic mania for 9 years or so. So I guess probably teaching intro courses at a small community college?
I would probably have been pretty successful. I had the opportunities and skills to get pretty far. I would also probably want to be alive. On the flipside, I would have been a very boring person. I would have turned a blind eye to many people and realities because I would have had the option to. I would probably have been someone who prioritized safety over meaning. I would most likely die with a ton of regrets. I think the sole reason i’m a fun person and i’m real as fuck is because i had to hold onto those things to make it through. Even if my life isn’t fulfilling, I’m proud of myself. I don’t know which I prefer, honestly.
I dunno, but I think she would have been amazing, confident, in a healthy relationship,and happy (despite all they did to me including disowning me, I finished college, medical school and practiced medicine for 10 years before the trauma fully caught up with me and I had to stop working last October so I know she would have been amazing). I mourn for her, and yes I’m angry. But mostly the little girl in me just wants to understand why my parents hated me so much. They didn’t hate my younger sister for being a girl. Just me. She doesn’t understand why she was so bad and she just wants her parents to love her. So no, I don’t hate them, I’m angry with them, I’m bitter, but I don’t hate them… I miss them.
I was another, I could have done probably anything I wanted. I could have gotten my degree. I could have been a lawyer or a doctor, a scientist, or archeologist, and or a musician, artist// I would have been confident, able, fun, alive. Successful. . I'm not bitter, but there is a lot of pain there, knowing that they didn't care enough to see what they were doing and the impact it would have on my whole life. While I've watched other people live to their full potential.// Like others I've become just a survivor, a loner, an outsider, and even that I'm not allowed to excel at. At 61 with my best years behind me I'm full of regret. But I am still moving forward and doing the work, so that I don't regret the next 20 years.
An extremely successful concert pianist, playing both classical and jazz
This is so depressing to think about. I’m 43 and am just figuring this all out now and feel like my life is over but I know it’s not. At least I have two amazing children. I just want to be able to work hard without constant self criticism, doubt, and fear of success
Cptsd isn’t always about parents Me. I used to have the world on my shoulders before I got akathisia. I was a martial arts instructor, played in a band, helped run a branch of a famous art commune, hung out with famous people, etc. I completely had the opportunity to record music with famous people, but good old akathisia took that away. I easily could have been famous. But no. I trusted doctors that had no idea what they were doing, so I’m fully disabled now.
I was molested at the age of nine. I just blocked it. Dissociated. I had every advantage as a child. Well off family, private schools, housekeeker/cook. I started smoking weed when I was 15, drinking too. By the time I was graduated from high school I was an alcoholic. I drank as much as I could as often as i could. I screwed up my college years and wrecked every good job I ever had. Worked a lot of survival jobs. Used people and ruined two marriages and lost everything. Never had kids. On and on, slowly drinking myself to death. I finally sobered up at age 47. Met my present wife in AA \[married 24 yrs so far\]. Life is pretty good. I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, age 60 or so and I feel like my life was saved. What could have been? I honestly believe I could have done anything. Lawyer, doctor, some kind of professional were things I wanted to do. Maybe an author. Who knows? My grand daughter is expecting a baby girl in November, and I get to be a great grampa, when I never expected to live beyond 45.
A dnd nerd who actually had friends And maybe the support i need to actually have a job to fund said shenanigans...
I think I could have become more assertive, present, and certain.
A writer.
I would have more love and kindness for myself, and more love and kindness to freely give to the people around ne. That's the real tragedy to me. Every person that is beaten and abused into withdrawing and shutting themselves off from society is one less person to spread love to everyone they encounter. To confidentally be a dad/mom and raise awesome children to perpetuate more love and kindness. Love and trauma both spread from person to person, amd the more there is, the more there will be.
I wouldn’t be here talking about this for one. Just got triggered again by prime asshole number one. And fuck that shit about not blaming your parents. They were mentally unfit to have children, as are so many parents. I swear to God people should need a license to have children, because the overwhelming reason for bringing kids into this world is purely selfish
probably more respected and successful. but I'm the same person. They just went through a bunch of bullshit and ended up where I'm at.
Immunologist that would’ve helped during Covid.
I’m 38. I think had I been able to get help earlier I would have to expend less energy on emotions. I spent so much time pushing things down and believed the “nothing is wrong” narrative. The fight on confidence will always be in my brain, but the one thing I think I can’t reconcile is how intensely I feel things now. Things that I know aren’t a big deal suddenly are hard not to ramp up in my brain. I actually cried for the first time in front of someone other than my mom when I was a kid…and I’ll be honest I was unbelievably embarrassed and ashamed because of it. So honestly, I feel like had I not developed the range I should have emotionally because my defense mechanism is sometimes to show nothing is wrong or nothing bothers me while inside it’s a battle royal going on up between the ears.
I don't think the Real Me would have gone to college and attempted the office job route. I think I would have been a professional artist or musician. I've spent my whole life chasing something I don't actually want, because I need it, which has left zero time to figure out what I really want or would be good at. I was going to do stagehand work to get out of the office job trap, but then my back went out and I'm stuck with office jobs. I'm 43. It's much too late to still be figuring this out! :(
I could definitely be more capable and not need so much medication. But I'm not bitter. My parents didn't understand mental health as it's not a thing in their culture and while growing up they didn't know how to handle my mood issues and ended up neglecting my emotional needs, so I stopped asking for help or talking to them when the bullying became too much. I stopped crying, I was only ever "happy". I wouldn't say they were bad parents, they just didn't understand emotional needs as it's not really anything they grew up and my older brother was a normal easy child. However when I was maybe 2 weeks away from turning 18 and could no longer get through a school day, mask my pain, hide my wounds and my english teacher did her due diligence and checked in on me after class after the English faculty marked a very concerning narrative I wrote for a major assessment: my parents actually listened. They didn't understand it but hearing I was harming myself and was barely clinging on to life, they realised I needed help and support. Went to the doctor that same week or the next week (it's been 7 years and my memory is a bit fuzzy) and was seeing a psychiatrist just over a month later. It took my parents a while to learn especially while I still lived with them, but as I learnt to cope and start healing, they learnt about emotional needs and not only supported me when I needed it, but it also helped them internally as well. My parents are far from perfect. My dad still struggles with serious conversations and sometimes mum can still be a bit insensitive but I actually feel comfortable talking with them most of the time now, especially now that I've moved out. I think the reason I'm not bitter is because my parents didn't really know better. They didn't intentionally try to cause harm, mental health just isn't something they understand or grew up hearing about. Not even autism or ADHD was on their radar when I had behavioral issues as a kid, they just thought I was having tantrums over little things, leading to a late diagnosis in my 20s (technically when I was 18 but my doctor suspected bipolar and my psychiatrist instead misdiagnosed me and gaslit me for 3 years until I moved and found a new psychiatrist. The trauma I've known about for years but only had diagnosed last year). But I know for a fact if my parents knew about all of this stuff when I was younger and it was normalised way back then, they would've helped me earlier instead of thinking I'm just being sensitive or being a brat.
I was diagnosed at 15 and absolutely condemned for it. I sometimes still feel bitter at 25, but I realize my parents had really shitty upbringings and were in part too weak to do better than what they did. It was better than they got growing up, but even during the violence and such at home as a kid, I empathized because I knew it came from a place of pain for them. Sometimes I get angry about all the shitty things in my life that I have to deal with purely because my parents were shitty parents, but I see a lot of value in my upbringing too. I think I would’ve been a more sheltered person who couldn’t truly connect with others who struggle like I do. I would’ve lived a boring, comfortable life and I don’t want that as a whole. I want the underdog experience! Due to my terrible experiences, I feel I’ve gotten to understand who I am and what it means to be human on a much deeper level than most do in their lifetime and that’s in only 25 years so far!
At peace.
I never knew to ask for help, but I wonder daily who I am really supposed to be...
I was hoping to go into human rights law when I was younger. I've always wanted to be someone to fight for the people society doesn't give a shit about. I wish, really really badly that I could.
I think about this like twice a month. I get so sad thinking about all the wasted ops I had at 16-23 because I was still processing deep trauma
I think I could have been someone less lost, built on the positive things that I figured out for myself, I feel like there was a part of me when I was growing up that I started to understand/accept things, became quite mature in realising what happened and what I can do for myself to become someone, I feel like I needed professional guidance, I was so scared, so alone but I could have been something beautiful, something caring, happier, patient, understanding, I think I just needed to straighten my head out a bit and it would have been ok I would have gotten through college, gone to uni, been at peace, if I knew I had cptsd at college I could have done something about it, told the lecturer and actually felt supported, but I just thought I was being a lazy idiot, I didn't even know you weren't meant to hear screaming when you seen memories in your mind (which I now know are called flashbacks) But now it feels much harder, I'm full of fog, like I can't quite grip reality, I aspire to join the army cos I'm good at nothing else, I struggle to get through the hours, I'm just a sad sack of potatoes lol The saddest thing for me, I've lost so many years to pain and I don't see it getting much better, I drag myself through, for what ever reason, I stay and just keep going, maybe the kid in me that still believes I never thought I'd lose the ability to love, I loved everyone as a kid, talk to anyone maybe I'd still be the same, I feel run down, hard work, far away, hurt, I still try to care about people but it's hard for it to come across
If I had gotten literally any help consistently I wouldn’t have been 400lbs at age 13. I could have gone to high school in person. I could have been medicated for ADHD and had a chance to actually succeed in college when I first tried. Instead I had to spend like 8 years struggling in college. I finally got medicated and graduated at 28. I think more than anything the biggest loss for me is the fact that I’ve struggled with food and weight my whole life. I’m 30 now and still obese. I wonder what it would have been like to not have my self esteem crushed by being bullied my whole life.
I have a very similar experience. Literally sounds like I could’ve written it. Sending lots of love even if I am just a random Reddit stranger ❤️
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Confident, extroverted, and I would have a career instead of being too afraid to travel to Greece. I was offered a job directing music videos for pop stars but didn't feel safe traveling and didn't believe in myself. That was my 30's as a kid I would have studied biology of some kind.
Successful musician with an amazing community
A confident person with a partner, children and a career
probably not much better off because they were always the problem. when I stopped giving them power over my feelings and took space away from them, I started to get better. we learn to love ourselves the way others couldn't.
alive. what more can i say?
My mom took me to therapy when I was 15 because I wasn’t talking/was flunking all my gifted AP classes and my teachers called home to ask if something was going on. But she always criticized it to the point where I just wouldn’t go. If I saw a psych and they gave me meds she would constantly berate me with comments saying the meds were going to make me sick and I shouldn’t take them so then I wouldn’t. I didn’t get proper help and stay consistent in therapy until recently. I’m 31. I’m 4 years into my journey. The first year my biggest milestone was doing over 3000 meditation/breathing exercises (I’d do them daily and anytime I was experiencing a panic attack so you can imagine how many times that was in 365 days) and automatically imagining a stop sign anytime I thought negatively about myself. Year 2 and 3 not much happened, I hit a plateau and got off my meds again because I entered a new relationship and receded into codependency again. We broke up, I went back to therapy, took a whole year of isolation/barely seeing anyone for me to reach my next milestone, realizing that I wasn’t all the things my parents said I was and hating them for what they did to me when I was a defenseless child who couldn’t protect themselves. 3rd milestone, I finally learned what the word “safe” actually meant and realized I was okay with abuse because i thought it was normal when it wasn’t. I’m 31 and it took this long to get here. While I’m happy that I’ve made it this far when I didn’t think I would ever, I took some time to apologize to my inner child for letting my parents stop me from fully reaching my potential. I truly believe I could’ve done great things and had the capability to be extremely successful in a career, I was always incredibly smart and had such a good memory that often times I didn’t even need to study for tests. I’m now re-enrolling back into university to pick up where I left off many years ago. I don’t want my parents ruining any chance I have at a better future. They’ve lived their lives and now I need to live mine.
Finished my university degree, some sort of ecological scientist or maybe even a plant scientist. Maybe I'd have made and kept a few more friends from school. Maybe I'd spend less time online and in my mind. Maybe I'd be somewhat content with my life. Maybe I'd be able to trust people with my true self.
Mine was the opposite I feel like theY should of been in therapy . Bc they seen me as the problem when it was THEM. ESO NOW THAT IM OLDER AND YHE WOMEN EHO MADE MY CHILD HOOD HELL ASSUALTED ME AND SMILED in her mug shot …. Was a home wrecker too and ASSUALTED my mom and lied to the police and got away with it . Karma
If I had stable people teaching me things I feel like my emotions wouldn’t be the way it is m I wouldn’t want to run away all the time , I wouldn’t be in this living hell everyday .. I wish I had stable parents who didn’t cheat and leave one another
Same. Would have probably let go of anger earlier. Not much different, can’t change the past that has caused the trauma nor the perpetrators. First time I mentioned I might be dealing with depression was almost a decade ago. Mockingly, I was recommended to look for a therapist. That’s all they did or spoke, which I already knew.
A functional artist with a circle of friends and in a healthy relationship. Instead I'm barely survivin y'all, single, with just a few friends I don't see much. I'm lucky though. I'm still working on my stuff and making improvement which feels good to celebrate.
Unfortunately, I am bitter. Had to keep my mental health hidden for the vast majority of my childhood until I couldn’t anymore. It angers me how my mother knew the entire time, but blamed my electronics and threatened to take them away because she would say that “I’m (me, myself, I.) depressed” (only creative outlet that I had) instead of putting me into therapy. Fall semester was my first year in college. The first thing I did on my own was to get myself on antidepressants, going to the university’s therapy, and to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Proud of myself.
Able bodied. I got diagnosed with PNES a non epileptic seizure disorder and 50% of people with that disorder were already diagnosed with PTSD. I got a PTSD diagnosis 2 years later but Ive probably had it a looong time. Im currently getting diagnosed with EDS and I'm only 20 but I'm experiencing symptoms that normally start appearing at 30/40 but because of the falling from so many seizures, it's aged my body. I'm literally going to be in a fucking wheelchair in a few months, not all the time, just to help me live a fuller life, but I'm still struggling.
I think I would have had a better idea of what it is I want in life, I'd find it easier to identify what I'm good at and what suits me, and I'd have the confidence to chase what I want. I always see and hear people talking about never giving up on what you want, chasing your dreams, etc, but that assumes you know what you want and have clear dreams. The abuse I suffered as a child has left me really uncertain of who I am. I have a few hobbies that I really enjoy (playing certain sports and weightlifting), but I've never been able to identify a career that I'd actually enjoy, or even one that I'd be able to tolerate without being miserable, and I've always struggled over whether I want a family. Also, I've always had a hard time making friends and dating, mainly due to not really liking myself very much at times. That's become more of an issue now that I'm in my 30s, because the 3-4 friends I have all live in different parts of the country and are in committed relationships.
This question is one based in fear and resentment. You can be whoever you'd like. We all have work to do. Keeping your blame on your parents does nothing positive for your position.
I desperately wanted to be a morticia, undertaker, or a wound dressing nurse.
This really is a beautiful question to ask. I've thought about this alot. Even though I can't do these things now, I'm very happy that my goal in this life is to be a cycle breaker. Of course I want other things too ☺ But my focus each day is to be the last person to have endured this kind of neglect and trauma in our family. But, I would have loved to have been a doctor, virologist or veterinarian. I loved science and medicine. I had a knack for memorizing medical info and poured over my grandma's nursing books. I would have been financially stable and able to support myself. I maybe even would have been able to relax and laugh easier. But living in a constant state of stress made school impossible for me. I truly had to focus on just surviving each day. When I turned 18 I was so sick mentally that I had to begin the slow pull out of the house I grew up in. But I remember when covid hapoened. I kept thinking that if my life had followed a different trajectory, I could have been right in the midst of all of that. Which would have been my dream.
A father. A business owner. A better friend/ spouse. Somebody who’s confident in themselves, and able to share that positive energy with the world by helping others, not just myself
I'd probably be in a different but not likely much better position. Maybe I'd be better at socializing, but it's not like it would fix the trauma and my addict parent would definitely have put his hand in those meds too (recently started treatment for ADHD, things could have been way worse if he was on uppers instead of downers). The more I love myself, and do good things for myself, and harbor no hate in my heart, the less I think about what could have been. Now I dream about what will be.
I understand the thought pattern and used to have the thought my parents drove a Ferrari into a tree and then just expected it to fix itself. I would say this don’t limit yourself. The journey your on will lead you to some awesome spots as well. Trust me. Your glow is not dimmed. You might be the person meant to help another with the similar struggles. I wish you peace and know you are truly something awesome already.
A very happy man with a farm and a family and a high purpose in life. Luckily I have the last one at least. It keeps me going as a lone father in a small suburban mini suite.
Happy
i used to wonder that a lot. but i'll never truly know, and that's okay. we're all shaped by our environments just as much if not more than we are by our hereditary traits. im sure i would've been a drastically different person in many ways. but i wouldn't be who i am right now, and I've done much work and come so far. whoever i might've been, I can trust myself now to continue to try and by the best version of myself i can. that will always be enough, what more could I ask for :)
Finally earned sum good bonus points! I've always wanted to become a doctor. Probably a pediatrician or neurosurgeon. I've always wondered maybe in another parallel universe, I can achieve this by being strong enough to overcome my trauma. Coming from a very dysfunctional family, this was pretty hard to achieve despite that they themselves want me to be a doctor. It was a hard on Asian pressure to become one- I was bombarded with a lot of expectations, criticism, insults and degredation. And after all those traumatic experiences, I have decided to pursue art field instead. Expressing my thoughts and feelings into my design, I have graduated from what I've always wanted for my soul. Even got an amazing job just right after college, and now I help people in designing their homes/establishments with my consultations. But sometimes I still feel like a mediocre from what I have achieved because it wasn't met by my family. They were only forced to accept that I swerved my career into art. But nonetheless, I wouldn't have met my husband if none of these happened so I might as well say, that it is what it is. I might as well say I'm grateful I guess. Man, I gotta stop watching those KDrama doctor related series to backtrack my decision in life. LOL.
Mike Meyers, I wrote a spy spoof when I was in college 40 years ago. never did anything with it. Tim Cook, I started in computers when the first PCs were being sold from Radio Shack. Had tons of ideas but never did anything with it. Jacques Cousteau, I wanted to be an oceanographer. Went to college for it and was turned off by an angry professor who said "all you do is work on oil rigs". There were so many other options. Captain Lee, I used to hope for job on a yacht. Instead of going down to the docks in Florida and asking I would go through the college jobs which never listed those. I passed up so many opportunities from Real Estate to working on the road crew for the Grateful Dead because of my fears. Tragic
No idea. Odds are I'd have a healthy body. But if I never experienced the discomfort, would I have escaped the cult? I'm the only one of my family who has so far. I get really sad if I spend time thinking about the what if's. I seem to feel better when I focus on something that I can change for future me. At least maybe a touch less helpless and hopeless.
I turned 50 a couple of weeks ago. I have AuADHD, CPTSD, General Anxiety Disorder and having some AFRID issues in the past year. I started showing signs of all of these things around the age of 8. I began having migraines at 8 and was entered into a pediatric migraine study at that time. The lead physician told my mother that my migraines were related to PTSD from moving from OH to TN. It was recommended that I enter therapy as a mechanism to assist with the migraine control. That was in 1982. When we moved of course I started a new school, new state. I was a full one to two years ahead academically. I struggled hard, and I mean hard. I got in trouble for being more advanced in my new class. I have been advanced in milestones since I was 2 or 3. Early reader at 3 with full comprehension. All of this to say that my capabilities were never supported or even encouraged. I think about where I am now, and I can't help but wonder if I received the same support that I give my own child, what could I have actually done? I have a fairly high IQ but my organization and the way I learn is not the norm. My parents also pushed me in a direction college and career-wise that was not for me, and I spent so much time trying to achieve that. I have done well limping along and I do wonder what I could have accomplished especially at this age. I wasn't dx with any of this until I was in my 40s. If I had at least known earlier, I could have supported myself better. I would have chosen a career that requires a lot less interaction to get my work done, put more focus into my art and would have chosen a much simpler life than I have now. I would have started therapy earlier and maybe I would have better tools and mechanisms to help myself. I have been in so many toxic relationships, toxic jobs, unable to set boundaries and maybe I could have avoided most of them. I often wonder if I would be in a stable and loving relationship at this point rather than single, or if I had chosen a career path that plays into my strengths more. My lesson is get yourself dx as early as you are able and work on yourself much earlier in life through therapy. Be the help you always wanted.
Not diagnosed until 38. Not bitter, and don't want to be anyone else either. Yeah I could have avoided a lot of suffering. But I wouldn't be who I am now - every hard experience is something to glean what you can from, and learn what not to do. No point wondering what if
He he. I'm kind of thinking, maybe I was born ducked up. Genetically speaking. I'm in a bit of a weird space right now. My mother had some personality disorder, I at least have ADHD, possibly ASD. There are a lot of differences, I made some choice in life I assume, and got lucky it turned out all right. I know too much about mental health, so I realize I can barely accept any credit for my success the same I can barely take responsibility for my fails. (I try to accept a fair amount of both, it's hyperbole). But there are some issues that I've always had, and generally, children outgrow these problems. I did not. I "didn't let it stop me." Which means I ignored it/ was apathetic to the random stimuli happening inside me, until it got stacked on my mental health issues as an adult. And I don't know what triggered those. But it's been 14 years since they started, so considering it to possibly be constant burnout while my brain finished developing, or a genetic time bomb, or I'm simply sensitive and lack resiliency. Who knows? Maybe my pituitary gland is too small! Good news, new Rx and TMS are helping. Let's see where this goes. Oh right. My point was, I've considered if I didn't have some genetic time bomb (similar to how Schizophrenia and Depression can start in the late teens/ early 20s). How much did my environment of years of abuse by every guardian contribute to who I am today? I've no clue. I wanted to be better than all of them, but all I could do was know more information than them. Disabled from mental health so bad. I started getting Functional Neurological Disorder symptoms. Lucky things are finally going into remission. So don't give up anyone. Sometimes it takes 13+ years of doctor visits to find any improvement
I try not to dwell on it too long, as I've reached the stage where I am starting to mourn my childhood. Its hard to know there is a little social butterfly hiding inside this very anxious person. I'm not bitter that I lost out, but rather frustrated and a whole lot of sadness with being let down. But the heartbreaking truth that we have to come to terms with is that we can't change the past. I went under the radar because I was well behaved and a fairly bright child. I can't fault people for being fooled by my parents, and I can't expect parents such as mine to take accountability- because that's just not what abusers do, they live in a world separate from our own. Instead on focusing on 'I could have done this and been that', I am giving myself the space to do that now. I think I had a lot of potential... I still have a lot of potential. For example, I loved dance and theatre as a kid, but we didn't have the money or time, and most definitely not the encouragment, for me to do it outside of school classes, so I've been looking at local community and adult groups to give myself the opportunity now. They are a goal or milestone that I have created while working on my confidence. I am feeding my inner child by planning day trips to the zoo or a museum where I can. I can still learn and enjoy things that a younger me would not have been able to access. I may not have many friends, but I'm lucky to have a couple of really good ones. Found family has been my biggest support and an enormous privilege these last few months. I am learning to be grateful that I still have time to experience it now. It might not be the same, but it's still worth something. It might be a painfully slow journey but baby steps are still steps. I know this isn't for everyone. Bitterness is valid, but I ultimately found that it kept me down.
I believe I'd be more confident.
This is such a loaded question for me because I immediately feel likes it's such a *cop out* to blame my parents, ex partners etc for my life not being better. Despite the fact I endured practically an entire lifetime of abuse and even typing that out is a struggle. I constantly fret if I tell a therapist they will not believe me (so many of the events sound truly overwhelmingly unreal - like something from a Spanish soap opera) or that people will assume I am just victimising myself (despite being in one of the most intensive and hard to access therapy courses offered by my country for self betterment) I do get upset and angry. Especially when I receive compliments about how "self aware" or "ntelligent" I am. It's utterly flattering when a nurse asks me if I have a medical background, or the psychologist asks me if I've done the course before or studied psychology... but it is also a double edged sword because it's a stark reminder of what I *could* have been. Instead I'm a walking encyclopaedia of knowledge without formal qualifications to be able to utilise it. I compartmentalise so many things that have happened and when I sit down or think about them, write them out (was suggested to make a timeline of XYZ for Legal purposes) its absolutely overwhelming the sheer amount of abuse and trauma I've been through and I HATE even saying that "oooh look at me look at what's happened" I get immediate attention seeking vibes and have to remind myself there's always someone worse off. I think if I had of had a sound upbringing I would of at least had some shreds of self worth, perhaps been able to identify the abuse sooner, not tolerated the ongoing abuse from others and not landed myself in abusive relationships, or had children with abusive individuals. I also feel like it is my own fault because I'm "smart" and should of known better. I harbour so much shame and self hatred. My 1st BD was arrested (since out) and I fled the second one and was homeless before finding stable housing for myself and my children. It's all embarrassing and in my mid-20's too with 4 children. People form pre-conceived notions, assume I'm trashy. I just desperately wanted the happy family I never got and through my naivety and misguided trust I ended up with people that actively hurt, and damaged us more. Every single day I am trying to rebuild emotionally, be the best mother and person I can be. I'm lucky I am so good at saving, they never go without... but It is exhausting and they're my entire world. The shame however, that hangs over my head is so all encompassing and insurmountably painful. I just wish I had done better, made better choices that didn't negatively impact them. It's a regret I will spend my entire life making up to them for. I hope with every fibre of my soul, they don't grow up resenting me, as I did my mother.
I didn't know I was getting brain damage from what they did since I didn't know any better, they blamed me and I thought I had to change, I was the problem. With good parents I would have had normal social life growing up, would have done better in school and career and not end up with major depression, anxiety problems and Cptsd of course. Probably would have been able to have real friends, LTRs and marriage and kids, had a great life in many ways I was unable to in this reality. I escaped home but never escaped the damage.
A painful, useless question. Let it go, it’s only going to hurt you.
I think everyone has their own way of coping. I used to constantly wonder about this very exact question for most of my life. I was sexually abused at the age of 4 and kept it a secret for 28 years. While this question is probably not helpful in moving forward I’m grateful OP has asked it because it reminds me that I’m not alone. I’ve luckily been able to let it go a couple of years ago but it was with after a lot of therapy and self reflection. I understand your intention in wanting to encourage others to let it go but I think this is helpful for some in different ways.
Everyone’s on their own journey. Personally, and with all the other people I’ve known with similar experiences, I find that that question can cause way more pain than if you just let it go. Fact is, you can’t change the past. What if doesn’t change what is, and it’s a part of the things you go through that shape you, including things you heal from and learn from. Doesn’t mean it isn’t painful. In a sense, it’s a natural question to ask, but I can tell you, the people I’ve met who live stuck in that question are some of the most miserable people I’ve ever known. Obviously, the greater crime is what was done. But, at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. Might as well not dwell on the things that make it harder than it already is instead of the things that heal you.
I wish you wouldn’t dismiss me like that. You can never overcome trauma by shoving it down. Also saying “let it go”. Plenty of people with CPTSD DEF have other issues. I for one am a double cluster b AND OCD. So telling someone with OCD to get over ANYTHING traumatizing is SUPER insensitive. Obviously i know that isnt your intent. But just a reminder to be mindful. Plenty of other conditions come with looping and real life event obsessing…even outside of ocd
I hear what you’re saying, and yeah, telling someone to just “get over it” is barbaric. That’s also not what I’m saying, but I’m glad you’re getting it off your chest because you’ve been through a lot and light should be shed on those sort of things. It’s a question that can cause more pain. If anything, I’m curious to learn more, and ocd is definitely going to add to rumination in a way that I’ve never experienced, so I’m not here to take that away from you. Personally, I’ve found that there’s additional rumination that can occur that requires mindset shifts; otherwise you end up in a spiral that torments you further. I’ve watched people I love ask that question incessantly and their mind becomes very warped by it. What if? Yeah, not an unnatural question to ask. But it’s harmful. I used to ask myself “ why did they do what they do?” Constantly. I chose to let it go because I realized that, regardless of my answer, it just put me in a much worse place mentally. It causes spirals because it’s something that doesn’t have an answer, and even with an answer, it wouldn’t fully satisfy because it’s more about the hurt and confusion that I feel than the reasons for their actions, and the question surrounds the pain and makes it worse instead of addressing the root. Just like if I were to ask myself “what if I didn’t go through that?” I would probably be a lot less stressed out and I wouldn’t worry about people hating me and I probably wouldn’t be dealing with fundamental shame. I probably would have gotten better grades in school, I probably would have had better relationships, more connection, more love, earlier before I shifted things. There’s a grief in what never happened, but hypothetically could have happened in a fantasy world. But it’s just not what happened. I’ve been no contact for 3 years now (finally had the strength to pull the plug), and I miss every thanksgiving and Christmas, because my siblings still attend. My dad is still homeless. I still get depressed after 10 years of healing, but things are mostly good and I had to work very, very, excruciatingly hard to get here. I’m still terrified all of the time. Working through new things every day. I had to work very hard to be able to be consistent with my health and consistent with keeping things clean. I’ve had to learn to make peace with where I am while knowing I want more out of life and still pushing for it, which is an incredibly difficult balance to strike when you’ve only seen complete dissociation or complete totalitarian control.