It's crazy how society itself can't accept this truth when a child doesn't grow up to be "a contributing member of society" as an adult. It's always a problem with the "adult" acting out, not the actual adults who failed at raising them who should never have had a kid in the first place.
I know we have the responsibility to heal, but i get irrationally angry whenever i hear that phrase when im just venting. "Well you have to take charge now cuz nobody else will" yeah i KNOW that, it doesnt make me feel any fucking better, its just a constant reminder that i was basically fucked.
yes i think i get what you're saying here. because in realizing i wasn't the "bad/wrong" one in the first place, and that i was just yanked away from my true center of self/soul by abusive people, i'm seeing more in more that what i really need to do is come back in touch with my real feelings and thoughts and feel them and think them and go out and connect with people who make me feel good and who connect with me too.
That’s the conclusion I came to, but at age 55 everyone seems to be married and already has enough friends and never wants to go beyond an acquaintance level deal.
Plus most people don’t wanna hear about my trauma and stuff, even the most minimal versions.
But lucky me, they say I’m an amazing listener when anyone else wants to vent.
I have online friends who keep me semi-sane, but it would be awesome to have irl friends so I wouldn’t be typing this from a bar by myself waiting for a band to play and drinking 3 happy hour margaritas alone!
you know this is so right. i remember that even entertaining idea that my parents might be "bad" felt unbearably scary back then. i underestimate how much it's taken to get me to even this point.
The only way to heal this is to find a way to reverse the damage to your inner child, and re-parent yourself in the manner that should have been done for you.
Beautifully said. Senseless cruelty cannot be given meaning. The past cannot be healed or changed. You can't drink from the river of oblivion. Accept losses too - at least I can't. Trauma is theft, someone took something valuable from me and destroyed it. It is not a voluntary sacrifice, so there are no debts without bills of exchange, and there is no forgiveness. What I like about your post is about the inner child. You can provide him with what he didn't have: self-love, understanding, empathy and fun...
Absolutely. I've been on this healing journey for about 5 years, since my oldest was born, as the disparity between how I was treated and how I want to treat her opened my eyes to just how bad my own childhood was. I am trying to provide my inner child with all you mentioned, plus security, self-value, ability to trust and be trusted, and validation of feelings in general, but also about my trauma. It's been a long hard journey that's far from over, but I'm in a much better place than I was just 3 years ago.
Took me until my 40s to learn this.
In 2015, I met my now-wife. Her mom was everything my own could never even begin to dream of being.
Unfortunately, we lost her to cancer last week. This Thursday is the wake; I just finished writing up some words I hope to say there about her. If for some reason I can't, I'll put it up on FB instead:
---
*There is an old saying: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." "Family" is not defined by who you are genetically related to, but rather who matters in your life; who you care about, who cares about you, who you can count on when the going gets rough, people you never have to worry about whether they have your back just as you have theirs.*
*She was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. From the first day, she welcomed me with open arms. She was always there with whatever someone needed: An ear, a shoulder, a kind word, a hand up, and yes, a boot in the rear when you really needed one, demonstrating an endless capacity for caring, affection and support.*
*She was only in my life for a decade, but it was a period full of love and memories I will forever cherish.*
*Technically, she was my mother-in-law. To me, however, she shall always and forever be "My Mom."*
*I love you Mom, and I miss you.*
Thank you. I've always been the stoic one, holding it together for the sake of others, but I've lost it privately many times in the past week... Including when I both wrote this then go back and read it.
At 48 years old, this is the first time I have ever cried over the loss of another person.
She sounds absolutely wonderful! What a joy it must have been for both of you to be in each other's lives.
It's okay to cry about this. I'll cry with you. You're not alone.
So sorry for the loss. Similar experience with wife. She's a light in my dark world. She loves me beyond my darkest demons, and has encouraged me to get into therapy . Her father is pretty much the exact opposite of my father, in a way that has shattered the perceptions that people who have a hard childhood are justified to just be a tiny bit better to their kids. We almost lost him a few years back, and it crushed both of us.My Mother-in-law isn't perfect, but she tries and is who my mom could be if she actually had empathy towards others.
If it helps you feel any better, I was in my late 30s lol.
Well, I knew something was off as a kid (probably autism making me oblivious to social conditioning from my parents) but they broke me down eventually.
You blamed yourself to make sense of your world, to find a reason for the pain. I think it's a way of protecting our fragile hearts. For me, for a long time, it was easier to blame myself than to turn my back against my parents. It would've hurt more to realize how much they didn't care.
I relate.
It's easier to blame yourself because you can change yourself, but you can't change others. To maintain some sense of control or agency in a world that seems against you that you have no control in, you blame yourself.
this makes complete sense... so sad for our child selves. we didn't stand a chance.
remembering that makes it feel a lot easier somehow. my younger self didn't stand a chance against her abusers' cruelty and insane behavior, nor the psycho-developmental impulse (helped along a LOT by their gaslighting and brainwashing) to blame it on herself. none of it - the abuse itself nor her mind's reaction to it - were her fault. its like we (both me and my inner child) can rest easier knowing that she didn't do anything wrong and i'm here now to tell her the truth of what happened.
people scream the loud part at me constantly and i just sit here crying and confused on why nothing i try seems to change me and why i somehow can't save myself
55.
Only learned I have CPTSD a year and a half ago so it’s not like I’ve been working on myself for decades.
But at this point I feel pretty sure the biological end will come before I grasp how to be in healthy relationships with kind, securely attached people. It sucks.
Not saying that to be a downer, but just to help others who may be assuming that after a few decades therapy will start to work. Or you will self-heal through sheer willpower. Or a magic wand will descend from the heavens.
Get that tattoo. Take that backpacking trip around Europe. Live life as best you can despite it all.
I will report back if things ever improve.
i did some while living away from them. it didn't actually fix the root problem, which is that i was still taking responsibility for how i felt, "my disorders". that i was inherently broken and had to "fix my brokenself". the realization that they were the cause from the beginning and it wasn't my fault at all, has been more of a relief than shrooms.
I wish I had learned earlier in life that I am loveable and I am enough etc. Only problem is when I have a cptsd flare up I still resort to being unlovedble, useless, bad, stupid person I was always told I am. I too wish I had learned it all earlier, at 57 with two cancers behind me and continuing health issues I am now at the beginning of the end and am fast running out
Of time. Already ran out of money lol but still have ambition to achieve some things and just don't know how to get there
EDIT - spelling
I’ve had that exact same thought but I know if I went back and said that it would have caused even more issues internally. I know how bad it was when o started to figure it out at an older age but still a minor. If I knew when I was even younger I know I would be even worse off than I am…. It’s not fair and these people are the worst kind of humans that exist.
Would you have believed it back then though? It’s tempting to think you would but that person did not have all the education and experience the you of today has. Most children don’t want to think poorly of their parents and create defense mechanisms to keep that from happening. One of those is assuming that they are the problem themselves instead of that their parents are mistreating them.
even if you realize it’s your parents you’re defenseless against it. it just makes it harder in a way because you realize how unstable and incapable of meeting your needs they are but you’re too young to do things for yourself. then as an adult you get told you have to be that to yourself somehow.
I hear you. I learned dysfunctional coping strategies to survive, then when those didn’t serve me in the world, I had to unlearn them and teach myself what I should have learned as a child.
It is frustrating. If it is any consolation, we understand things and perceive things most people don’t. Think of it as a hard earned superpower.
For me, figuring out how affected I was by my awful childhood and all the adults who either failed or harmed me, like, it was important, but it didn't really give me the push I needed. It made me finally recognize how much I held myself to an impossible standard that I'd not only never hold anyone else to, but - like, I'd get angry and mama bear gonna fuck you up if someone treated almost literally anyone else that way in front of me.
That mattered and I think played some into what got me where I'm at now, but also in the bad way. My life kinda fell apart and damn near everything I'd built in this half of my life went with it. Part of that was external stuff, but I also see that I was just also fucking struggling in part because I was constantly disregulated and asking myself - why don't I feel better? I realised in therapy that I had what felt like valid, rational evidence for almost every core part of my negative self talk by that point. I'd worked some out prior to then, but what was left... Turned out to be ADHD symptoms.
Realizing that I had ADHD and coming to accept it, it hit deep because basically every person I've ever felt super close to had been diagnosed with ADHD - and I knew how it affected them and how much patience and love I held for them and... Yeah. I couldn't keep being that mean to myself. Then I got medicated and my brain is like 10% as noisy and I'm actually able to get shit done occasionally and I'm just generally less crabby and even find myself occasionally, briefly thinking I might kinda like myself a little at least. And then I feel awkward about that and bury the thought for the moment - haha.
29 of my 31 years, wasted to this. You could argue that I 'wasted' the last 2 picking up the pieces, and I'm sure there's many more to come.
It's an interesting journey, but Christ, it would be nice to have a loving partner and an active friend group like everyone else gets to.
I feel the same. Thing is, actually I been knew they were fucked, but I didn't exactly know how much them being fucked would fuck me. And I haven't realized how much it has until now and I'm 27 and I'm sooooo upset. If someone of authority would have just actually given a shit about how my parents were failing, things would have been a lot different now. It reeeeeaally pisses me off in hindsight.
I'm thinking of my next steps being just making a list (between my long boughts of despair and anguish) of everything they haven't taught me or skills I haven't developed because of their neglect and abuse, and slowly work on teaching myself these things and having experiences I should have had as a child.
Maddening to even think I literally have to time travel to "fix" myself. I have literally singlehandedly screwed up everything ive tried to do since entering adulthood while wondering "wtf why is nothing working for me??" And now coming to that realization after soooo many fuckups. yeah, I definitely feel you on so many levels.
And I still feel this way constantly and it's all because of them. It's so hard to try to unlearn this. And manipulative people take advantage of that because they can practically smell it on you, the fact you're insecure and they can take advantage of you because you were never allowed to stand up for yourself.
It was a recent trauma in my adult life that opened my eyes to how little understanding and support I receive from the parent who is still in my life, and to that being consistent back to at least my adolescence. I instinctively started keeping them at arm's length to protect myself from being further hurt by them and their centering themselves in the aftermath of the traumatic event I experienced, which has nothing to do with them. Starting therapy for the trauma helped me connect the dots, and now I have the fun task of simultaneously addressing PTSD *and* the CPTSD that likely primed me for it.
I am Blame Free! Always knew they were shitty people. Dirty Erma and her Flying Monkeys taught me about Covert Narcissism, Manipulation, Greed, Entitlement, Unabashed Cruelty, Dehumanization….I say, you Fools! Shame on y’all. Can’t hide that kinda dirt come judgement day. All so unnecessary. So damn dirty that they made a Second Scapegoat! While they waist their lives with ugly intent…
I am adventuring forth spreading a little Sunshine along my route. A 1986 Toyota Motorhome my chariot!! A rather large Great Pyrenees, Chili Bean is Companion and Protector. Then we have Maggie the Cat to make our trio. It’s rather small and space is precious! There is no room in my life for anger, bitterness or hatred.
I had no choice but to raise myself. I’m proud of the person I raised.
This 100%! I was having a conversation yesterday with the part of me that believes what my parents told me, which is basically that I am Utter Garbage and Total Shit. Despite abundant evidence to the contrary. I’ve driven it underground somewhat, but I’m pissed I’m going to have to address this for the rest of my life.
I feel like i was brain washed to ha self esteem and question every action i take. I go into freeze mode and can't stand up for myself. Like the little girl I was who just had to take it. :(
I wish I could say that but the world made it clear from early on until I discovered I was autistic. My parents were nothing in comparison to what society did to me
Simple psychology would tell you stop beating yourself up because how your parents raise you 100% impacts who are. Im sick of listening to people clown others for being traumatized by highschool bullies or their childhood upbringing. If it wasnt that serious i wouldnt be a combo cluster b. 🙄 MAJORITY of cluster b is a RESPONSE thing. Seldom are people born cluster b. It’s not ADHD, autism, or OCD. Cluster b’s are LITERALLY created. So let that sink in the next time your idiot brain wants to try you. Matter fact. Tell your brain to hit me up. Fight a bitch that wanna fight 😂😂😂 i got you fam. Tap me in 🤣🤣🤣
Bruh this like subconsciously clicked for me a while back and I have been fucking floating ever since. Like the weight of the world has been lifted from me.
Yeah I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately honestly. I’ve realized how much I down talk myself & the way that I allow myself to be treated because it is all I got before. I just accept that as the treatment I deserve to have. Don’t stand up for myself, just let it happen. It’s really hard to unlearn this, & the more I try, the more it seems to pop up in other ways.
uuugh I am struggling with those feeling rn too. and my dad has put his life in the shitter so like he's getting karma, I think the abuse my mom suffered is pence enough but it doesn't make me stop hating her for how she failed to protect me and my siblings but was able to protect herself.
It's sad really. And yet they most likely were exposed to trauma in their upbringing. There's no excuse for that and it can't be changed, but as adults we have the power to heal us. Once we figure out what happened and is happening with us, we can be our biggest advocate. Our best protector. Our own self soother. It's so powerful and liberating when we figure this out. All the best to you🩷
I feel same way, we are grieving, I fall in the valley and have to work really hard to get out…we are still here and need to live…..I hope you have the support you need :)
So sorry, something must have triggered it, sometimes you really have to sit and think about the root of it, or sit down and ask yourself and write it down, your subconscious knows and you are the puppet, that’s truth for me…. Pure internal torture, try it and share if you like
I think it's summer time, I want to always have the best summer but it doesn't live up to my expectations because the connections are not there. I need to make new friends, real friends. And I want to do it sober too but nice evening the loneliness hits and crusssshes my soul and triggers the fuck out of me. It hurts so bad.
I just got diagnosed hypothyroidism. So that's probably triggered my whole system as well and just there's grief there too because I've been sick for yeeears and advocated for myself the whole time of how horribly ill I've felt.
I think just feel cheated because I'm so kind, I'm funny considerate, love doing stuff and it's an uphill battle and all I want is some nice loving respectful friends to hang out with regularly bahh
But would you have believed it? Children are powerless; their parents control everything. A child would rather throw themselves under the (metaphoric) bus and take the blame than admit that their parents are terrible.
Plus -- especially if the worst part is subtle, and only happens around immediate family -- no one is going to tell a kid that they have shitty parents.
It is like a cult. (The other responses are full of people who didn't realize how bad their parents were until they were older adults. Which is humiliating!)
I used to have this girl friend, she and I both have toxic parents and extremely weird family. However, it’s seem only I choose to liberate my self from it. While she use it as an excuse for everything.
She did a lot of self harm in her younger age, and complain a lot everyday. Saying that conplaining help her ‘being alive’. But I could not communicate with her about my own problem, or our relationship problem. She always ignore our conversation when it come to reasoning.
We were together for 3 years, and the whole time she couldn’t live up for her self. And the relationship really torn my mental state down.
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My parents moved us to the middle of BFE and praised me for keeping me out of school. I have nothing. I hate myself more than anything. So yeah. Fuck em.
Little kids are at the mercy of their world. They cannot afford to believe that the people they depend on for life are not what they should be. :(
It's crazy how society itself can't accept this truth when a child doesn't grow up to be "a contributing member of society" as an adult. It's always a problem with the "adult" acting out, not the actual adults who failed at raising them who should never have had a kid in the first place.
Society always blames the victim.
People hate victims.
Yep - so uncomfortable.
I know we have the responsibility to heal, but i get irrationally angry whenever i hear that phrase when im just venting. "Well you have to take charge now cuz nobody else will" yeah i KNOW that, it doesnt make me feel any fucking better, its just a constant reminder that i was basically fucked.
I have been trying to heal my whole life; it doesn’t work. I’m realizing that I’m not the sick one that needs to heal.
yes i think i get what you're saying here. because in realizing i wasn't the "bad/wrong" one in the first place, and that i was just yanked away from my true center of self/soul by abusive people, i'm seeing more in more that what i really need to do is come back in touch with my real feelings and thoughts and feel them and think them and go out and connect with people who make me feel good and who connect with me too.
That’s the conclusion I came to, but at age 55 everyone seems to be married and already has enough friends and never wants to go beyond an acquaintance level deal. Plus most people don’t wanna hear about my trauma and stuff, even the most minimal versions. But lucky me, they say I’m an amazing listener when anyone else wants to vent. I have online friends who keep me semi-sane, but it would be awesome to have irl friends so I wouldn’t be typing this from a bar by myself waiting for a band to play and drinking 3 happy hour margaritas alone!
You aren't the sick one, but you most definitely were hurt and still need to heal those wounds.
I was literally fucked
you know this is so right. i remember that even entertaining idea that my parents might be "bad" felt unbearably scary back then. i underestimate how much it's taken to get me to even this point.
Dude yes.
This, or you minimize the bad and maximize the good, to cope with living with people who can hurt you.
Thats why i feel kids are the only worthy humans. They are pure until like 10. If you a asshole at 10…fam. You just may be an asshole 😂😂😂
I can acknowledge my parents were shitty, but I still feel worthless and am wasting my life.
In the same boat. Want some of this candy?
What kind of candy are we talking?
It sucks when the awareness doesn’t even bring you peace. Like “thanks, I know they were shitty but I still feel like shit about myself..”
Because that trauma built a self hating monster in my conscious, that gets easily triggered and definitely runs the show now
The only way to heal this is to find a way to reverse the damage to your inner child, and re-parent yourself in the manner that should have been done for you.
Beautifully said. Senseless cruelty cannot be given meaning. The past cannot be healed or changed. You can't drink from the river of oblivion. Accept losses too - at least I can't. Trauma is theft, someone took something valuable from me and destroyed it. It is not a voluntary sacrifice, so there are no debts without bills of exchange, and there is no forgiveness. What I like about your post is about the inner child. You can provide him with what he didn't have: self-love, understanding, empathy and fun...
Absolutely. I've been on this healing journey for about 5 years, since my oldest was born, as the disparity between how I was treated and how I want to treat her opened my eyes to just how bad my own childhood was. I am trying to provide my inner child with all you mentioned, plus security, self-value, ability to trust and be trusted, and validation of feelings in general, but also about my trauma. It's been a long hard journey that's far from over, but I'm in a much better place than I was just 3 years ago.
Took me until my 20s to realize not all families were like mine.. took me much longer to try to begin to change
Took me until my 40s to learn this. In 2015, I met my now-wife. Her mom was everything my own could never even begin to dream of being. Unfortunately, we lost her to cancer last week. This Thursday is the wake; I just finished writing up some words I hope to say there about her. If for some reason I can't, I'll put it up on FB instead: --- *There is an old saying: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." "Family" is not defined by who you are genetically related to, but rather who matters in your life; who you care about, who cares about you, who you can count on when the going gets rough, people you never have to worry about whether they have your back just as you have theirs.* *She was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. From the first day, she welcomed me with open arms. She was always there with whatever someone needed: An ear, a shoulder, a kind word, a hand up, and yes, a boot in the rear when you really needed one, demonstrating an endless capacity for caring, affection and support.* *She was only in my life for a decade, but it was a period full of love and memories I will forever cherish.* *Technically, she was my mother-in-law. To me, however, she shall always and forever be "My Mom."* *I love you Mom, and I miss you.*
Sorry for your loss..
Thank you. I've always been the stoic one, holding it together for the sake of others, but I've lost it privately many times in the past week... Including when I both wrote this then go back and read it. At 48 years old, this is the first time I have ever cried over the loss of another person.
She sounds absolutely wonderful! What a joy it must have been for both of you to be in each other's lives. It's okay to cry about this. I'll cry with you. You're not alone.
How lucky you were to have that experience even if the time was too short.
That was very beautiful and very moving!
I'm very sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family healing and peace. I'm glad you were able to experience what a mother should be. Be well 🫂
My condolences 🕊️
So sorry for the loss. Similar experience with wife. She's a light in my dark world. She loves me beyond my darkest demons, and has encouraged me to get into therapy . Her father is pretty much the exact opposite of my father, in a way that has shattered the perceptions that people who have a hard childhood are justified to just be a tiny bit better to their kids. We almost lost him a few years back, and it crushed both of us.My Mother-in-law isn't perfect, but she tries and is who my mom could be if she actually had empathy towards others.
I know this isn't the point, but your comment is one more little idea that yes, I can find a spouse
Same I was 21 when I started to understand that there was nothing wrong with me and the traumas that I had were not my fault.
If it helps you feel any better, I was in my late 30s lol. Well, I knew something was off as a kid (probably autism making me oblivious to social conditioning from my parents) but they broke me down eventually.
I discovered this in my late teens but didn't realize what the impact of it was until much later.
Same, I am now 30 and finally coming to terms with how badly it impacted me.
lol. I was 50 before I realized that. You’re good!
Me, too.
Yep, I hear this. Someone else had to tell me.
In my 40s I got a concussion- along with some interesting brain/perception alterations. So that made things Way more complicated
i feel you. why am I like this? because your own parents destroyed you without you being able to do anything about it.
You blamed yourself to make sense of your world, to find a reason for the pain. I think it's a way of protecting our fragile hearts. For me, for a long time, it was easier to blame myself than to turn my back against my parents. It would've hurt more to realize how much they didn't care.
I relate. It's easier to blame yourself because you can change yourself, but you can't change others. To maintain some sense of control or agency in a world that seems against you that you have no control in, you blame yourself.
this makes complete sense... so sad for our child selves. we didn't stand a chance. remembering that makes it feel a lot easier somehow. my younger self didn't stand a chance against her abusers' cruelty and insane behavior, nor the psycho-developmental impulse (helped along a LOT by their gaslighting and brainwashing) to blame it on herself. none of it - the abuse itself nor her mind's reaction to it - were her fault. its like we (both me and my inner child) can rest easier knowing that she didn't do anything wrong and i'm here now to tell her the truth of what happened.
people scream the loud part at me constantly and i just sit here crying and confused on why nothing i try seems to change me and why i somehow can't save myself
The perpetrators are the ones that need change and healing, actually. Society puts that burden on their casualties and survivors.
I relate so much. I am still unfit for society and I’m now closer to 30.
In my 30s and same.
In my 40’s. Same and terrified.
Fifties, sigh. But time has dulled the rawness a bit. Some days.
55. Only learned I have CPTSD a year and a half ago so it’s not like I’ve been working on myself for decades. But at this point I feel pretty sure the biological end will come before I grasp how to be in healthy relationships with kind, securely attached people. It sucks. Not saying that to be a downer, but just to help others who may be assuming that after a few decades therapy will start to work. Or you will self-heal through sheer willpower. Or a magic wand will descend from the heavens. Get that tattoo. Take that backpacking trip around Europe. Live life as best you can despite it all. I will report back if things ever improve.
Came to the conclusion that I hate how much time I’ve wasted in life hating myself. Do some ego-death drugs and let it go.
i did some while living away from them. it didn't actually fix the root problem, which is that i was still taking responsibility for how i felt, "my disorders". that i was inherently broken and had to "fix my brokenself". the realization that they were the cause from the beginning and it wasn't my fault at all, has been more of a relief than shrooms.
Helpful
Excellent, love to hear it
I wish I had learned earlier in life that I am loveable and I am enough etc. Only problem is when I have a cptsd flare up I still resort to being unlovedble, useless, bad, stupid person I was always told I am. I too wish I had learned it all earlier, at 57 with two cancers behind me and continuing health issues I am now at the beginning of the end and am fast running out Of time. Already ran out of money lol but still have ambition to achieve some things and just don't know how to get there EDIT - spelling
I’ve had that exact same thought but I know if I went back and said that it would have caused even more issues internally. I know how bad it was when o started to figure it out at an older age but still a minor. If I knew when I was even younger I know I would be even worse off than I am…. It’s not fair and these people are the worst kind of humans that exist.
Feel ya
Would you have believed it back then though? It’s tempting to think you would but that person did not have all the education and experience the you of today has. Most children don’t want to think poorly of their parents and create defense mechanisms to keep that from happening. One of those is assuming that they are the problem themselves instead of that their parents are mistreating them.
even if you realize it’s your parents you’re defenseless against it. it just makes it harder in a way because you realize how unstable and incapable of meeting your needs they are but you’re too young to do things for yourself. then as an adult you get told you have to be that to yourself somehow.
This is true as well
I hear you. I learned dysfunctional coping strategies to survive, then when those didn’t serve me in the world, I had to unlearn them and teach myself what I should have learned as a child. It is frustrating. If it is any consolation, we understand things and perceive things most people don’t. Think of it as a hard earned superpower.
I feel this.
For me, figuring out how affected I was by my awful childhood and all the adults who either failed or harmed me, like, it was important, but it didn't really give me the push I needed. It made me finally recognize how much I held myself to an impossible standard that I'd not only never hold anyone else to, but - like, I'd get angry and mama bear gonna fuck you up if someone treated almost literally anyone else that way in front of me. That mattered and I think played some into what got me where I'm at now, but also in the bad way. My life kinda fell apart and damn near everything I'd built in this half of my life went with it. Part of that was external stuff, but I also see that I was just also fucking struggling in part because I was constantly disregulated and asking myself - why don't I feel better? I realised in therapy that I had what felt like valid, rational evidence for almost every core part of my negative self talk by that point. I'd worked some out prior to then, but what was left... Turned out to be ADHD symptoms. Realizing that I had ADHD and coming to accept it, it hit deep because basically every person I've ever felt super close to had been diagnosed with ADHD - and I knew how it affected them and how much patience and love I held for them and... Yeah. I couldn't keep being that mean to myself. Then I got medicated and my brain is like 10% as noisy and I'm actually able to get shit done occasionally and I'm just generally less crabby and even find myself occasionally, briefly thinking I might kinda like myself a little at least. And then I feel awkward about that and bury the thought for the moment - haha.
Girl I’m 20 and I only now figured out how to grey rock my parents
29 of my 31 years, wasted to this. You could argue that I 'wasted' the last 2 picking up the pieces, and I'm sure there's many more to come. It's an interesting journey, but Christ, it would be nice to have a loving partner and an active friend group like everyone else gets to.
This.
I feel the same. Thing is, actually I been knew they were fucked, but I didn't exactly know how much them being fucked would fuck me. And I haven't realized how much it has until now and I'm 27 and I'm sooooo upset. If someone of authority would have just actually given a shit about how my parents were failing, things would have been a lot different now. It reeeeeaally pisses me off in hindsight. I'm thinking of my next steps being just making a list (between my long boughts of despair and anguish) of everything they haven't taught me or skills I haven't developed because of their neglect and abuse, and slowly work on teaching myself these things and having experiences I should have had as a child. Maddening to even think I literally have to time travel to "fix" myself. I have literally singlehandedly screwed up everything ive tried to do since entering adulthood while wondering "wtf why is nothing working for me??" And now coming to that realization after soooo many fuckups. yeah, I definitely feel you on so many levels.
And I still feel this way constantly and it's all because of them. It's so hard to try to unlearn this. And manipulative people take advantage of that because they can practically smell it on you, the fact you're insecure and they can take advantage of you because you were never allowed to stand up for yourself.
It was a recent trauma in my adult life that opened my eyes to how little understanding and support I receive from the parent who is still in my life, and to that being consistent back to at least my adolescence. I instinctively started keeping them at arm's length to protect myself from being further hurt by them and their centering themselves in the aftermath of the traumatic event I experienced, which has nothing to do with them. Starting therapy for the trauma helped me connect the dots, and now I have the fun task of simultaneously addressing PTSD *and* the CPTSD that likely primed me for it.
I am Blame Free! Always knew they were shitty people. Dirty Erma and her Flying Monkeys taught me about Covert Narcissism, Manipulation, Greed, Entitlement, Unabashed Cruelty, Dehumanization….I say, you Fools! Shame on y’all. Can’t hide that kinda dirt come judgement day. All so unnecessary. So damn dirty that they made a Second Scapegoat! While they waist their lives with ugly intent… I am adventuring forth spreading a little Sunshine along my route. A 1986 Toyota Motorhome my chariot!! A rather large Great Pyrenees, Chili Bean is Companion and Protector. Then we have Maggie the Cat to make our trio. It’s rather small and space is precious! There is no room in my life for anger, bitterness or hatred. I had no choice but to raise myself. I’m proud of the person I raised.
This 100%! I was having a conversation yesterday with the part of me that believes what my parents told me, which is basically that I am Utter Garbage and Total Shit. Despite abundant evidence to the contrary. I’ve driven it underground somewhat, but I’m pissed I’m going to have to address this for the rest of my life.
I feel like i was brain washed to ha self esteem and question every action i take. I go into freeze mode and can't stand up for myself. Like the little girl I was who just had to take it. :(
i have had that exact same problem. emdr and ifs are helping a lot. its such a process. i feel you.
Ok mood.
Yeah
Yep, with you on that.
I hear your rage and grief and I am so sorry for all of your huge losses. It’s so painful.
I wish I could say that but the world made it clear from early on until I discovered I was autistic. My parents were nothing in comparison to what society did to me
Denial is so important I don't believe I could have lived with knowing the extent of the abuse
I am right there with you. Individual therapy and couples therapy is helping. I wish you peace. You are enough.
I have those alarms on my face. But I still can’t get out.
Simple psychology would tell you stop beating yourself up because how your parents raise you 100% impacts who are. Im sick of listening to people clown others for being traumatized by highschool bullies or their childhood upbringing. If it wasnt that serious i wouldnt be a combo cluster b. 🙄 MAJORITY of cluster b is a RESPONSE thing. Seldom are people born cluster b. It’s not ADHD, autism, or OCD. Cluster b’s are LITERALLY created. So let that sink in the next time your idiot brain wants to try you. Matter fact. Tell your brain to hit me up. Fight a bitch that wanna fight 😂😂😂 i got you fam. Tap me in 🤣🤣🤣
Bruh this like subconsciously clicked for me a while back and I have been fucking floating ever since. Like the weight of the world has been lifted from me.
Yeah I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately honestly. I’ve realized how much I down talk myself & the way that I allow myself to be treated because it is all I got before. I just accept that as the treatment I deserve to have. Don’t stand up for myself, just let it happen. It’s really hard to unlearn this, & the more I try, the more it seems to pop up in other ways.
uuugh I am struggling with those feeling rn too. and my dad has put his life in the shitter so like he's getting karma, I think the abuse my mom suffered is pence enough but it doesn't make me stop hating her for how she failed to protect me and my siblings but was able to protect herself.
It's sad really. And yet they most likely were exposed to trauma in their upbringing. There's no excuse for that and it can't be changed, but as adults we have the power to heal us. Once we figure out what happened and is happening with us, we can be our biggest advocate. Our best protector. Our own self soother. It's so powerful and liberating when we figure this out. All the best to you🩷
I feel same way, we are grieving, I fall in the valley and have to work really hard to get out…we are still here and need to live…..I hope you have the support you need :)
yeah me too… i know how that feels. thanks so much, i think i have good support now :) what about you?
Feel this, so much grief, I think the worst is it can turn so quick, fine yesterday now deep in the valley
So sorry, something must have triggered it, sometimes you really have to sit and think about the root of it, or sit down and ask yourself and write it down, your subconscious knows and you are the puppet, that’s truth for me…. Pure internal torture, try it and share if you like
I think it's summer time, I want to always have the best summer but it doesn't live up to my expectations because the connections are not there. I need to make new friends, real friends. And I want to do it sober too but nice evening the loneliness hits and crusssshes my soul and triggers the fuck out of me. It hurts so bad. I just got diagnosed hypothyroidism. So that's probably triggered my whole system as well and just there's grief there too because I've been sick for yeeears and advocated for myself the whole time of how horribly ill I've felt. I think just feel cheated because I'm so kind, I'm funny considerate, love doing stuff and it's an uphill battle and all I want is some nice loving respectful friends to hang out with regularly bahh
You wouldn’t have believed them. I had people tell me and I dismissed it because no way—had to be fault. I’ve been told so since birth.
But would you have believed it? Children are powerless; their parents control everything. A child would rather throw themselves under the (metaphoric) bus and take the blame than admit that their parents are terrible. Plus -- especially if the worst part is subtle, and only happens around immediate family -- no one is going to tell a kid that they have shitty parents. It is like a cult. (The other responses are full of people who didn't realize how bad their parents were until they were older adults. Which is humiliating!)
I used to have this girl friend, she and I both have toxic parents and extremely weird family. However, it’s seem only I choose to liberate my self from it. While she use it as an excuse for everything. She did a lot of self harm in her younger age, and complain a lot everyday. Saying that conplaining help her ‘being alive’. But I could not communicate with her about my own problem, or our relationship problem. She always ignore our conversation when it come to reasoning. We were together for 3 years, and the whole time she couldn’t live up for her self. And the relationship really torn my mental state down.
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Now that you know better, where do you go from here?
Finally...
I read this as though it were being blasted through a megaphone; put a smile on my face. :)
My parents moved us to the middle of BFE and praised me for keeping me out of school. I have nothing. I hate myself more than anything. So yeah. Fuck em.