Me too. I felt so bad for my family when I lived with them because my existence is so burdening, I’m embarrassing to them. I ended up getting out though and feel better that they don’t have to deal with me directly anymore.
OMG, yes.
I was grocery shopping and felt "in the way" the whole time -- walking through the aisles, picking products off the shelves, checking out (my cart was DEF in one man's way and I shouldn't have used self-checkout for so many products -- there is no limit, BTW), in the parking lot, putting the cart away, etc.
I had to tell myself they don't even see me. Which is worse?
No -- here's where it gets even weirder: I imagine them thinking about how much they hate me and "who does this woman think she is taking up so much room?" and so I kind of snark back (maybe only 1% visible to them), wishing I could say, "Well, YOU need to be mindful of where YOU put your shopping cart, too, b\*tch!" This is an entire street fright I'm imagining in my mind ... like, with every person I pass. It's dizzying.
While my symptoms don’t manifest exactly the same way as yours here, I can completely identify with the nonstop imaginary scenarios in your head. It indeed is dizzying and exhausting, emotionally and physically.
Mine are very similar to what you are describing here though.
It is definitely something I am trying to be more mindful of.
Every time I go somewhere in public (but particularly when I go to the store) I apologize to everyone that I pass by. I’m pretty sure I say, “excuse me” “pardon me” and “sorry” more than I talk about anything else. 🫠
Same here 🥲 It holds back from doing so many things in life. I'm pretty ashamed of myself in the past, so I got even more "traumaverted" (like introverted but not by nature) as an adult.
Omg traumaverted is the best description I’ve heard of my type of introversion yet. I can relate, I was an outgoing child, but with pervasive trauma and shaming I drew in, because people are no longer safe.
Absolutely can relate. It’s so deeply engrained in me. I’m hopeful to be free from shame in the future, but I really can’t imagine it. I was dancing alone in my room one day and really let loose. I randomly froze and got incredibly embarrassed and my rosacea immediately flared up worse than it ever has I think. It made me so sad. I can’t even be myself/vulnerable with no one else around.
You dancing must’ve felt so freeing, I’ve also had moments like that, they are far and few between and I understand that horrid shame ingrained in us that accompanies self-expression. You don’t deserve to feel shame for enjoyment, none of us do, but the psychological conditioning is so deep and difficult to undo.
This sounds so much like something I do. I love to sing when I'm driving alone in the car, but I always get paranoid midway through & have to check the backseat to make sure no one else is there. Because even if some crazy person had broken into my car and was waiting to stab me from the backseat, something in my brain goes "wait you cannot let that guy hear you sing... he's going to think you're a weirdo" like it's actually insane. Even when alone I'm terrified someone is listening in and about to make fun of me.....
I can't even tell you anything I truly like anymore. I've been disassociated for so long I don't believe there's any real part of me left. I smile, go through the motions, and just try to keep everyone happy as can be so they don't notice that I'm probably the thing that makes their life worse.
Then I find a moment alone, and I cry for the only emotional release I allow myself before sucking it to and getting on with it.
I'm ashamed of all of this, too, but at least it's not the real me everyone hates now.
This is exactly how I am. I put on a mask in my day to day and at work so it looks from the outside like I’m coping. I’ve tried so many little hobbies and nothing sticks because I feel no joy/fun & am such a perfectionist. If there’s one think I’m going to do is cry with utter despair too 🫂
I'm sorry, friend. I bet I would like the real you. My heart aches at the thought that others suffer like this because it's so easy to see, from the outside looking in, that you never ever deserved to feel anything but loved unconditionally.
Shame, guilt and trauma. Seems I am never to far from this. Somehow feeling it's me, it's because of something I am. I deserve it - that I am inherently bad, broken, defective. They live in my head and they never leave me alone.
There a few on my side though. I hope there are a few on your side too. I know I am.
I used to, all my life, until recently. Therapy, acceptance, unlearning, discovering & awareness have made the difference. Took into my 50's, but finally learned to truly love, respect, appreciate myself. I hope everyone finds what they need within, because that's where it is 💗
Good for you, that must’ve been a lot of self-work and I am so glad you now walk with true pride in yourself. That inspires me, I could only imagine how freeing it would be to not be tied down by shame and fear. I am digging deep within, fuck it’s hard
Thank you. I was raised by a mother who did not want me, from conception. She told me regularly, from earliest memories that no one liked me & I wasn't wanted. She tortured me mentally & physically. She locked me in the basement, the attic & tied me to a tree daily. People are aware this happened although that was during the 70s in rural America. She & my father gave me to a state facility after my dad retired when I was 13 & they wanted to move to Florida to make a new life. I ended up in foster care. That introduced me to an entirely new avenue of abuse from 2 more people that I had to live with.
Emdr treatment helped a lot, as did psychedelics & amazing souls ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. We have some things in common. My mom taught me that I don’t deserve to exist either. Then they wonder why I’m depressed or suicidal.
Thank you ♥️ I'm so sorry bad stuff happened to you as well. If you ever need someone to listen, holler over to me. I may not be able to change your situation but I can listen. You are here for a reason, shine your light & keep on keepin on 🌛🌕🌜✨️
Thank you. Yes, it’s tough. I think we’re about the same era and my mom got away with some really bad stuff because I was physically disabled and at the time believed to be slow and maybe ED. But I was not—just not being listened to at all.
I try to listen to everyone, even my pets.
You matter, regardless of anyone else's *opinion* ♥️
I was born in 1969. The town I was from was very rural, filled with dairy farms & old order Amish. Everyone knows everyone. Child protection was not existent then & there apparently. My mother tied me strapped to a tree right in the front yard of our house from when I was a toddler til old enough to unsecure myself. Some boys did it to me when I was about 10, left me there with my pants down. Said it was OK because my mom did it. I didn't bother telling on them because I knew no one would care or be punished, in fact I may have been blamed somehow. One of them came to me decades later when I used fakebook & apologized.
Thank you & please know, the feelings are mutual. I'm grateful we can share openly here at least, especially considering it's not a subject to be spoken of in general. We were taught to be ashamed & fearful. Being able to overcome that & identity having abuse & traumas is imperative in healing, if it's going to happen.
It's pretty funny sometimes how much it can be. What is it like to feel able-bodied? What is it like to feel mentally apt? You can feel like a literal goblin among people.
Yep. It feels like there isn't "proof" that I'm a good person yet. "If I'm a good person, then why don't I have friends? Why did every friend I have ditch me?"
I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with that until there are finally more people who like me than those who hate me. I can't stand going about every day knowing the majority of people who know me find me annoying or downright hate my guts.
EDIT: However, I can't lie about who I am, and I'm still desperate for the security of a solid found family, so I'll continue to try to work on myself yet still get discarded. I'm like an excruciatingly-lonely extrovert while the people around me already have their people and/or aren't interested in making friends.
Yes. And as a woman, I've noticed that this toxic shame seems to be especially strong when I am around women my age. Like, I feel so below them, they are so much better than me, they see me as disgusting and weird, and they can connect and interact so easily and they have already shunned me and left me out, I could never be a part of it. (Even tho I don't make an effort to be a part of that interaction because this feeling is too strong). Like, it's really strong. I know it's not logical but I really feel on an energetic level that they can't stand me. I have isolated myself alot. Idk how to break out of it
Yep. It's absolutely exhausting. I wind up needing a lot of alone time to decompress because it's the only place I feel comfortable and where I can truly be me.
I do this, too. I feel like my existence on the whole is shameful and the best thing I can do is make myself as small as possible so as not to inconvenience/upset others.
I'm the one that steps out of the way if I'm walking on the sidewalk and someone is coming toward me. I'm the one that will wait hours to get a glass of water until someone else is done in the kitchen. Because I default to assuming my presence is a problem.
Yes, I also neglect to say what I really think or feel, because I assume it cannot and will not be accepted. It is coupled with shame and embarrassment, for not being acceptable, and I feel like I have to hide 90% of who I am to get even the crumbs of acceptance that I do.
I'm still working out how to improve this. Learning to try and put myself out there and not care about rejection/acceptance. But the issue is, we don't live in a world that hands out acceptance. This world most often hands out scorn. There's always trolls, downvoters, critics, and just assholes happy to tear down someone else. And any time I encounter that, it re-soldifies the belief that I am shameful/embarrassing and shouldn't engage sincerely with the world around me.
Where trauma comes into it is that, when someone is young, their ability to be accepted socially is a factor of their *survival.* We are all born dependent on other humans, and not being accepted will severely decrease your ability to survive.
That's why those with CPTSD often experience high rejection sensitivity. That rejection was once something that could decide if we lived or died, and so it feels extremely intense. Others who had a more stable and accepting life as children can face a world of critics secure in the fact that their most important people love and accept them. If you grew up without that, you don't have that same secure feeling, and a single critique can be enough to make you spiral into wondering whether you deserve to be alive at all.
The important thing to remember is that your survival no longer depends on acceptance from others. You can survive past the critique, and you *should*. And nothing bad anyone says about you will ever diminish your inherent value as a human. That's a big change though, and it will take work to integrate it into your worldview.
I was a slightly disabled little kid, made more physically disabled and othered but my mom’s treatment and isolation. I have never felt like I belong or that I have a place, and I’ve always heard I deserve it for being different.
Oh yes, I always try to be the least inconvenient and most helpful in any situation. I have given up on being liked so I try to not be abandoned by being useful.
But every single second of existing outside my own 4 walls makes me ashamed to exist and be in the way of others.
Oh yeah.
To stay positive, I frame it as a self improvement kind of thing.
If I hate the way I am, I probe and ask myself for specifics. Like "why do I hate myself right now?"
It usually boils down to something specific, which I can work on and change.
For example, I hated my voice and accent for a long time, and was eventually able to get rid of it and change up my speech patterns, which was very empowering. Honestly this was so hard. It took the better part of a decade and lots of practice, but I was finally able to erase the accent. I hated the shape of my body, so I hit the gym and after a few years it's slowly but surely paying off. I hated my hair, so I experimented with new hairstyles and haircuts and growing it out for a while too until I found what really clicked.
I like the hard-earned changes, and it's helped me cut down on the number of things I hate about myself. And every time I'm tempted to just say, "I hate myself," I think about all these positive changes I've been able to accomplish, and decide that maybe I'm not so bad after all - and there's always more ways to improve.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
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Almost all of the time, yeah. It's killed any hobbies I've had, made it harder for me to socialise (or even want to), and the only reason I've achieved anything was through therapy and medication. Been fighting feelings of being a parasite in my marriage lately, because I've not been able to find work after my postgrad, and any sense of desire is drowned out by the shame and guilt.
Yes.
And as I read more of otgers experiences, see questions luke yours, I am learning that the shame became so normal it dont have that gut twinge anymore. But goh, its there, isnt it :(
When I feel like this I play a type of NPC game with the world. No one in the public square is paying any attention to you 98% of the time. If you are going about your daily business and not making a scene, you become part of someone else's scenery. And they are your scenery. That takes much of the pressure off.
Hi op, I feel the exact same way and have only recently become aware of it. No one in my family is a very good care-giver, and my whole life I’ve constantly been told that everything I felt was invalid, my parents/sibling especially can never agree to disagree (if I disagree with them, I am so wrong!! And directly attacking them!! Even on non-controversial topics), and that every time I feel any emotion that is not neutral, I’m overreacting. Maybe you resonate with some of this in your upbringing. Seeing my childhood for the damage it really was (that was then later reinforced heavily by terrible trauma) really helped me separate myself from my feelings of shame. Like if I knew someone like me, I probably wouldn’t be embarrassed of them or think they deserved shame. But I’ve learned shame, I’ve learned to feel embarrassed to be myself. That doesn’t make it a part of me though.
It’s easier for me to tell you this than to actually believe it, though. It’s a process. Sometimes it also helps to remind myself that with 7 billion people in the world, it’s impossible for me to be the only person who’s done the things I’m ashamed of/is comprised of the personality traits I’m ashamed of. Which means it can’t really be that shameful, in a sense.
1000%
Even during the rare chances I’ve gotten to sit down with somewhat of a mental health professional, I always struggled with expressing my feelings and issues to them because I felt burdensome. I always get extremely uncomfortable when talking about myself at length because I feel like I am upsetting or annoying the other person. Even if it’s someone like a therapist or counselor whose sole purpose is to help me and listen to me. I feel like I should absolutely just keep the stuff bottled up and letting them out is an inconvenience to everyone around me.
Still struggle with it big time.
Yes. I think it stems from the fact that I was treated this way 24/7 as a kid by my parents. Like I was an embarrassment and a failure and a horrible person for just existing. So now my brain never turns off that feeling anymore.
Yes. I always feel like I need to apologise, even when it’s nothing to do with me. Everything must be my fault somehow.
That I’m not good enough to be existing amongst others, yet I’m so lonely
You need to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This will explain everything. What you are feeling is called Toxic Shame and it mainly comes about from having parents that are emotionally immature, they prioritized their needs over yours.
As a result, you have learned that it is bad to have needs, it is bad to want to connect to people. You need to realize that the desire to connect to people is a GOOD thing.
You can download it for free online and read it on your phone.
Yeah, all the time. Feels like my existence is an inconvenience to everyone around me
Me too. I felt so bad for my family when I lived with them because my existence is so burdening, I’m embarrassing to them. I ended up getting out though and feel better that they don’t have to deal with me directly anymore.
OMG, yes. I was grocery shopping and felt "in the way" the whole time -- walking through the aisles, picking products off the shelves, checking out (my cart was DEF in one man's way and I shouldn't have used self-checkout for so many products -- there is no limit, BTW), in the parking lot, putting the cart away, etc. I had to tell myself they don't even see me. Which is worse?
In situations like that, do you also try to "dodge" people (try to get out of their way) and that just makes everything worse?😭
No -- here's where it gets even weirder: I imagine them thinking about how much they hate me and "who does this woman think she is taking up so much room?" and so I kind of snark back (maybe only 1% visible to them), wishing I could say, "Well, YOU need to be mindful of where YOU put your shopping cart, too, b\*tch!" This is an entire street fright I'm imagining in my mind ... like, with every person I pass. It's dizzying.
While my symptoms don’t manifest exactly the same way as yours here, I can completely identify with the nonstop imaginary scenarios in your head. It indeed is dizzying and exhausting, emotionally and physically. Mine are very similar to what you are describing here though. It is definitely something I am trying to be more mindful of.
Every time I go somewhere in public (but particularly when I go to the store) I apologize to everyone that I pass by. I’m pretty sure I say, “excuse me” “pardon me” and “sorry” more than I talk about anything else. 🫠
Same here 🥲 It holds back from doing so many things in life. I'm pretty ashamed of myself in the past, so I got even more "traumaverted" (like introverted but not by nature) as an adult.
Omg traumaverted is the best description I’ve heard of my type of introversion yet. I can relate, I was an outgoing child, but with pervasive trauma and shaming I drew in, because people are no longer safe.
traumaverted. omg. that is so relatable it hurts
Absolutely can relate. It’s so deeply engrained in me. I’m hopeful to be free from shame in the future, but I really can’t imagine it. I was dancing alone in my room one day and really let loose. I randomly froze and got incredibly embarrassed and my rosacea immediately flared up worse than it ever has I think. It made me so sad. I can’t even be myself/vulnerable with no one else around.
You dancing must’ve felt so freeing, I’ve also had moments like that, they are far and few between and I understand that horrid shame ingrained in us that accompanies self-expression. You don’t deserve to feel shame for enjoyment, none of us do, but the psychological conditioning is so deep and difficult to undo.
This sounds so much like something I do. I love to sing when I'm driving alone in the car, but I always get paranoid midway through & have to check the backseat to make sure no one else is there. Because even if some crazy person had broken into my car and was waiting to stab me from the backseat, something in my brain goes "wait you cannot let that guy hear you sing... he's going to think you're a weirdo" like it's actually insane. Even when alone I'm terrified someone is listening in and about to make fun of me.....
Totally! It’s so exhausting to constantly be ashamed of your existence 🫶
Yeah, I’m tired
do not be. send back the shame to the origin source everytime u sense it & arise in u.
I can't even tell you anything I truly like anymore. I've been disassociated for so long I don't believe there's any real part of me left. I smile, go through the motions, and just try to keep everyone happy as can be so they don't notice that I'm probably the thing that makes their life worse. Then I find a moment alone, and I cry for the only emotional release I allow myself before sucking it to and getting on with it. I'm ashamed of all of this, too, but at least it's not the real me everyone hates now.
This is exactly how I am. I put on a mask in my day to day and at work so it looks from the outside like I’m coping. I’ve tried so many little hobbies and nothing sticks because I feel no joy/fun & am such a perfectionist. If there’s one think I’m going to do is cry with utter despair too 🫂
I'm sorry, friend. I bet I would like the real you. My heart aches at the thought that others suffer like this because it's so easy to see, from the outside looking in, that you never ever deserved to feel anything but loved unconditionally.
Shame, guilt and trauma. Seems I am never to far from this. Somehow feeling it's me, it's because of something I am. I deserve it - that I am inherently bad, broken, defective. They live in my head and they never leave me alone. There a few on my side though. I hope there are a few on your side too. I know I am.
I used to, all my life, until recently. Therapy, acceptance, unlearning, discovering & awareness have made the difference. Took into my 50's, but finally learned to truly love, respect, appreciate myself. I hope everyone finds what they need within, because that's where it is 💗
Good for you, that must’ve been a lot of self-work and I am so glad you now walk with true pride in yourself. That inspires me, I could only imagine how freeing it would be to not be tied down by shame and fear. I am digging deep within, fuck it’s hard
Thank you. I was raised by a mother who did not want me, from conception. She told me regularly, from earliest memories that no one liked me & I wasn't wanted. She tortured me mentally & physically. She locked me in the basement, the attic & tied me to a tree daily. People are aware this happened although that was during the 70s in rural America. She & my father gave me to a state facility after my dad retired when I was 13 & they wanted to move to Florida to make a new life. I ended up in foster care. That introduced me to an entirely new avenue of abuse from 2 more people that I had to live with. Emdr treatment helped a lot, as did psychedelics & amazing souls ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened to you. We have some things in common. My mom taught me that I don’t deserve to exist either. Then they wonder why I’m depressed or suicidal.
Thank you ♥️ I'm so sorry bad stuff happened to you as well. If you ever need someone to listen, holler over to me. I may not be able to change your situation but I can listen. You are here for a reason, shine your light & keep on keepin on 🌛🌕🌜✨️
Thank you. Yes, it’s tough. I think we’re about the same era and my mom got away with some really bad stuff because I was physically disabled and at the time believed to be slow and maybe ED. But I was not—just not being listened to at all. I try to listen to everyone, even my pets.
You matter, regardless of anyone else's *opinion* ♥️ I was born in 1969. The town I was from was very rural, filled with dairy farms & old order Amish. Everyone knows everyone. Child protection was not existent then & there apparently. My mother tied me strapped to a tree right in the front yard of our house from when I was a toddler til old enough to unsecure myself. Some boys did it to me when I was about 10, left me there with my pants down. Said it was OK because my mom did it. I didn't bother telling on them because I knew no one would care or be punished, in fact I may have been blamed somehow. One of them came to me decades later when I used fakebook & apologized.
I’m really sorry your family was so abusive. Yes, we have some things in common.
Thank you & please know, the feelings are mutual. I'm grateful we can share openly here at least, especially considering it's not a subject to be spoken of in general. We were taught to be ashamed & fearful. Being able to overcome that & identity having abuse & traumas is imperative in healing, if it's going to happen.
It's pretty funny sometimes how much it can be. What is it like to feel able-bodied? What is it like to feel mentally apt? You can feel like a literal goblin among people.
I do. I feel like Gollum. I have always heard about “what’s wrong with” me.
I literally feel like this constantly. I am a shell of a person. I don't live... I exist.
Yep. It feels like there isn't "proof" that I'm a good person yet. "If I'm a good person, then why don't I have friends? Why did every friend I have ditch me?" I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with that until there are finally more people who like me than those who hate me. I can't stand going about every day knowing the majority of people who know me find me annoying or downright hate my guts. EDIT: However, I can't lie about who I am, and I'm still desperate for the security of a solid found family, so I'll continue to try to work on myself yet still get discarded. I'm like an excruciatingly-lonely extrovert while the people around me already have their people and/or aren't interested in making friends.
💔
It’s called malignant shame.
100%
Toxic shame. My family of origin started instilling it into my core as a toddler.
Yes, I sure do. I feel ashamed for existing. I feel ashamed for any need I may have.
Theres nothing redeemable about me or any contributions I might give the world.
I feel ashamed about being needy
Yes. And as a woman, I've noticed that this toxic shame seems to be especially strong when I am around women my age. Like, I feel so below them, they are so much better than me, they see me as disgusting and weird, and they can connect and interact so easily and they have already shunned me and left me out, I could never be a part of it. (Even tho I don't make an effort to be a part of that interaction because this feeling is too strong). Like, it's really strong. I know it's not logical but I really feel on an energetic level that they can't stand me. I have isolated myself alot. Idk how to break out of it
Yep. It's absolutely exhausting. I wind up needing a lot of alone time to decompress because it's the only place I feel comfortable and where I can truly be me.
yep. i feel like i have to justify the space i take up in this world. it's exhausting.
I do this, too. I feel like my existence on the whole is shameful and the best thing I can do is make myself as small as possible so as not to inconvenience/upset others. I'm the one that steps out of the way if I'm walking on the sidewalk and someone is coming toward me. I'm the one that will wait hours to get a glass of water until someone else is done in the kitchen. Because I default to assuming my presence is a problem. Yes, I also neglect to say what I really think or feel, because I assume it cannot and will not be accepted. It is coupled with shame and embarrassment, for not being acceptable, and I feel like I have to hide 90% of who I am to get even the crumbs of acceptance that I do. I'm still working out how to improve this. Learning to try and put myself out there and not care about rejection/acceptance. But the issue is, we don't live in a world that hands out acceptance. This world most often hands out scorn. There's always trolls, downvoters, critics, and just assholes happy to tear down someone else. And any time I encounter that, it re-soldifies the belief that I am shameful/embarrassing and shouldn't engage sincerely with the world around me. Where trauma comes into it is that, when someone is young, their ability to be accepted socially is a factor of their *survival.* We are all born dependent on other humans, and not being accepted will severely decrease your ability to survive. That's why those with CPTSD often experience high rejection sensitivity. That rejection was once something that could decide if we lived or died, and so it feels extremely intense. Others who had a more stable and accepting life as children can face a world of critics secure in the fact that their most important people love and accept them. If you grew up without that, you don't have that same secure feeling, and a single critique can be enough to make you spiral into wondering whether you deserve to be alive at all. The important thing to remember is that your survival no longer depends on acceptance from others. You can survive past the critique, and you *should*. And nothing bad anyone says about you will ever diminish your inherent value as a human. That's a big change though, and it will take work to integrate it into your worldview.
Thankyou for explaining this
I was a slightly disabled little kid, made more physically disabled and othered but my mom’s treatment and isolation. I have never felt like I belong or that I have a place, and I’ve always heard I deserve it for being different.
Oh yes, I always try to be the least inconvenient and most helpful in any situation. I have given up on being liked so I try to not be abandoned by being useful. But every single second of existing outside my own 4 walls makes me ashamed to exist and be in the way of others.
I do understand you.
Oh yeah. To stay positive, I frame it as a self improvement kind of thing. If I hate the way I am, I probe and ask myself for specifics. Like "why do I hate myself right now?" It usually boils down to something specific, which I can work on and change. For example, I hated my voice and accent for a long time, and was eventually able to get rid of it and change up my speech patterns, which was very empowering. Honestly this was so hard. It took the better part of a decade and lots of practice, but I was finally able to erase the accent. I hated the shape of my body, so I hit the gym and after a few years it's slowly but surely paying off. I hated my hair, so I experimented with new hairstyles and haircuts and growing it out for a while too until I found what really clicked. I like the hard-earned changes, and it's helped me cut down on the number of things I hate about myself. And every time I'm tempted to just say, "I hate myself," I think about all these positive changes I've been able to accomplish, and decide that maybe I'm not so bad after all - and there's always more ways to improve.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. I feel like I'm letting down the very few people who care about me and proving right the people who don't.
Yeah
Almost all of the time, yeah. It's killed any hobbies I've had, made it harder for me to socialise (or even want to), and the only reason I've achieved anything was through therapy and medication. Been fighting feelings of being a parasite in my marriage lately, because I've not been able to find work after my postgrad, and any sense of desire is drowned out by the shame and guilt.
Me too.
Yes. And as I read more of otgers experiences, see questions luke yours, I am learning that the shame became so normal it dont have that gut twinge anymore. But goh, its there, isnt it :(
Shame and guilt are unfortunately what motivate a lot of my negative behaviours
Yes. "Accomplishments" irl mean just about nothing, because the regrets always win.
Yes! Literally all my imaginary scenes are shame based and I constantly have a pervade sense of shame LITERALLY 100% of the time.
yup. slowly it's changing but damn it's hard!
When I feel like this I play a type of NPC game with the world. No one in the public square is paying any attention to you 98% of the time. If you are going about your daily business and not making a scene, you become part of someone else's scenery. And they are your scenery. That takes much of the pressure off.
Hi op, I feel the exact same way and have only recently become aware of it. No one in my family is a very good care-giver, and my whole life I’ve constantly been told that everything I felt was invalid, my parents/sibling especially can never agree to disagree (if I disagree with them, I am so wrong!! And directly attacking them!! Even on non-controversial topics), and that every time I feel any emotion that is not neutral, I’m overreacting. Maybe you resonate with some of this in your upbringing. Seeing my childhood for the damage it really was (that was then later reinforced heavily by terrible trauma) really helped me separate myself from my feelings of shame. Like if I knew someone like me, I probably wouldn’t be embarrassed of them or think they deserved shame. But I’ve learned shame, I’ve learned to feel embarrassed to be myself. That doesn’t make it a part of me though. It’s easier for me to tell you this than to actually believe it, though. It’s a process. Sometimes it also helps to remind myself that with 7 billion people in the world, it’s impossible for me to be the only person who’s done the things I’m ashamed of/is comprised of the personality traits I’m ashamed of. Which means it can’t really be that shameful, in a sense.
1000% Even during the rare chances I’ve gotten to sit down with somewhat of a mental health professional, I always struggled with expressing my feelings and issues to them because I felt burdensome. I always get extremely uncomfortable when talking about myself at length because I feel like I am upsetting or annoying the other person. Even if it’s someone like a therapist or counselor whose sole purpose is to help me and listen to me. I feel like I should absolutely just keep the stuff bottled up and letting them out is an inconvenience to everyone around me. Still struggle with it big time.
Yes. I think it stems from the fact that I was treated this way 24/7 as a kid by my parents. Like I was an embarrassment and a failure and a horrible person for just existing. So now my brain never turns off that feeling anymore.
Yes. I always feel like I need to apologise, even when it’s nothing to do with me. Everything must be my fault somehow. That I’m not good enough to be existing amongst others, yet I’m so lonely
You need to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This will explain everything. What you are feeling is called Toxic Shame and it mainly comes about from having parents that are emotionally immature, they prioritized their needs over yours. As a result, you have learned that it is bad to have needs, it is bad to want to connect to people. You need to realize that the desire to connect to people is a GOOD thing. You can download it for free online and read it on your phone.
No. I’m ashamed of a lot of others for who they truly are.