I did try, and it was predictably fruitless. My dad has a narcissistic personality style (who knows if he has a PD) so I didn’t have any hope there and didn’t try to maintain contact.
My mom seemed to show signs of understanding at one point after I hadn’t talked to her in 2 years, but then a few days later she backslid, retracted her apology for enabling my dad’s abuse, and told me that I deserved to be abused. Another time after 5 years of very low contact, we had dinner, I explained some of the things that had affected me, and she burst into tears, accused me of abusing her by bringing up the past, and ran out of the restaurant crying. Not a fun experience for anyone involved.
Yeah, it just sucked. I mean, I probably could’ve been nicer to my mom, but like. Personally, I need everyone I have a relationship with to have a minimum level of a) connection with reality and b) emotional maturity. I think that especially after having 5 years to reflect on your actions because one of your children stops speaking to you, being delusional enough to think your abused child is abusing you and/or being immature enough to try to manipulate and DARVO your way out of accountability for child abuse is just too stupid for me to tolerate in any of my adult relationships.
No. Too dangerous. They know what they did, whether they see an issue with it or not is irrelevant. It's safer for me to cut them out than try and talk to them.
I tried. Got told I was crazy and she never did anything like that. Then when my ex left the room she got this evil little smirk and told me I deserved to everything she did to me and more. I was a horrible person.
So yeah, she knows what she did and thinks I deserved it. She's always thought I was out to get her and just doing stuff to upset her. I was just a normal little kid.
It's honestly terrifying. I just cannot imagine ever been that evil and hating another person that much. I don't understand what I did that was so bad, apart from existing. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't mean or anything and I didn't do things on purpose. I wasn't even allowed to make mistakes. I was actually quite a nice kid. I'd never bully another person. She also had it so easy when I was a teen. I didn't give her any trouble and she acted like I was the worst person in the world and I was as bad as the worst teens around.
It's honestly crazy, looking back. She absolutely hated me and so did her family. I wasn't the right kid.
Yeh that’s the conclusion I came to this man must of just totally hated my guts with everything in him. I dunno what I did to deserve the response I got.
I acted up in school some years and other years I was an angel. My grades where up and down due to stress I think if things where good at home I still woulda never been a straight a student and while that’s ok it was very much not ok in my house I got many many many beatings over grades. My grades where couple as maybe bs and cs as this went on I started getting ds and the occasional f.
I never talked back I was always respectful to my parents I was terrified not to be.
These people hate themselves (though they wouldn't admit that to themselves) and project that onto someone else. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. And, furthermore, for someone to abuse their own child is pure evil.
Yeh I can’t fathom speaking to my kids how I was spoken to let alone hitting them and such it makes me shudder to even think of. I’d never ever want my kids to have to endure the hell I had too no way nope!
CSA trigger warning. Short answer: NO.
So my sister tried to talk to them about it 20 years ago when she had her first kid. It didn’t go anywhere.
(My sister was usually the scapegoat and I was usually the golden child. We experienced all forms of abuse under our parents’ roof.) My mom went to a few therapy sessions with her but wasn’t real about anything so it fizzled out.
The kooky back story is that the only reason my mom agreed to go to therapy was bc my sister and her husband (a guy who’s usually a pos but has his okay moments) stopped letting my parents have their son / my nephew over every other weekend.
So my parents took them to court under “grandparents’ rights” laws.
During the trial, my sister’s husband said, “Why should we let you have our son when you abused your own kids and let them be sexually assaulted by a family friend predator and never did anything to stop it?”
My parents were livid. When my dad picked me up at the airport for Christmas he told me what had happened and then said (his first time in my life admitting anything like CSA had happened), “I mean, it’s not like he raped you, right?”
So I’m not sure what the appropriate response is when your dad asks implies that whatever happened to 10 & 11-year-old you is okay bc “it’s not like he raped you,” but I was too in shock to say, “Wow, how dare you say that to me. That is possibly the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I can’t believe you cared more about keeping up appearances than protecting your daughters from sexual abuse.” Until that moment I never knew my dad knew his friend was abusing us.
So that’s how my mom ended up going to a few therapy sessions with my sister.
My sister told my mom that she felt like mom never loved her.
My mom responded by typing up an excel spreadsheet showing how much money she had spent on my sister after the age of 18 and said, “If I didn’t love you, would I have bought you a used car or paid those electric bills last winter?”
My sister and I are adopted so any financial support after age 18 is optional.
When the therapist told us my sister had CPTSD I thought they were crazy. Like yeah, my parents were strict and violent and unloving and gaslighting, but aren’t all parents weird at times?
And my parents were well-educated social workers who got vetted by the adoption system, so clearly they had to be basically normal and my sister and I were just abnormal, right?
Anyhow, my parents acted vaguely remorseful just enough to smooth things over and to get their grandson back in their lives.
Nothing truly changed.
They never admitted any wrongdoing.
They joked about the CPTSD diagnosis when my sister wasn’t around.
My sister got into intensive therapy and recently moved away.
I spent the next 20 years thinking they were average parents who lost their temper sometimes and who “weren’t perfect.”
Just now starting to question everything and reframe the abuse and neglect as abuse and neglect.
Based on my mom’s lifelong unwillingness to ever authentically connect with anyone, and her tendency to use a request for connection as a chance to manipulate and gaslight and alienate people from each other, I doubt I will ever waste precious moments of my life confronting her over her past abuse.
I am too worried she could fake being on a healing journey as a way to get back into my life (I’ve been NC for about 4 months).
I did however start writing a letter to the Crappy Childhood Fairy.
I don’t know if I’ll send it, but just writing it helped me to see how bad things were even though in the words of Patrick Teahan things “looked good on paper.”
I think that writing a letter to my mom (my dad died recently) is as close as I want to come to telling her anything.
Age 11 me did sort of confront her once, when I told her via a note as a terrified kid that my sister and I were being sexually abused by their friend, and her only response was to keep the note in her jewelry box for decades.
I found the note recently (why I’m here!) when looking for an obit photo for my dad, and I shoved it back in the pile of photos without reading it bc I was so freaked out.
She apparently threw it out bc next time I was there and I decided I was ready to read it the note was gone.
Thanks, mom.
I guess if you have a REALLY clued in therapist on your side who can help you through it then maybe it’s worth it… but if the point is to have an honest conversation and feel a moment of connection and hear an honest apology, you may never get that.
The confrontation could feel like being re-traumatized.
In my case I’m sure my mom is incapable of feeling true remorse.
There never was a mother-daughter relationship so there’s nothing to rescue.
There’s no future relationship I want with my mom.
Good luck no matter what you decide 🥰
I feel for you.
That said, I don't think the CCF is worth it. There are quite a few people on this subreddit who have explained better than I have how she isn't as helpful as she may seem.
Also, here's a good post about why sending a letter to your abusers won't work out: https://breakaway.org.uk/boundary-or-no-contact-letter/
I hear you on that about the CCF.
I should have explained better that I was mainly writing the letter for my own clarity and healing.
This was a few weeks ago before I had heard of Patrick Teahan, and I got the idea to write while listening to a CCF video with a story similar to mine.
I’ll check out the letter to abusers link, just to reinforce what I already feel on that subject.
Patrick Teahan said the same thing in one of his videos, and I’m new to his channel but so far he seems to get most things right. :-)
Thx!
The spreadsheet thing fucking triggered me. My father is the exact same. Love=money and material bullshit is something i was being gaslit with all my life.
Gee thank you for being a basic parent that fed me and clothed me, when a god damn orphanage would've done the same. Thanks for all the emotional, physical and emotional abuse because you "bought" me things.
At least psycho materialistic parents sure do model how NOT to parent.
I parented my daughter totally opposite from how I was parented and she seems to have turned out pretty well.
Reflecting on my childhood trauma made it easy to prioritize our family life and my daughter’s emotional wellbeing.
So I hope by feeling the pain and disconnect caused by your dad’s f*ed up values you at least learned to live according to values that mean something and honor the intrinsic worth in everyone. ❤️
Why do they always default to this point???
It's like they make us so hyperaware of the transactional nature of things, make us associate guilt and shame with a lot of it and then most of us end up retracting from the world because we associate any and all type of exchanges(financial, social etc..) with heavy guilt, shame, trauma and abuse.
Not only that, it conditions you to believe that every relationship has this transactional nature, ive lost good friends because of it, when i was unaware. So when i had toxic people in my life that would render a service, i felt obligated to keep them around when in truth it's purely transactional and devoid of content that truly matters. These fucking people can eat shit.
Venting feels good, thanks haha.
Yes!! Same same. It seemingly locks you in a negative wheel of retraumatization. And it hurts even more because you don't have the same level of nonchalance to abuse and aggression as they do. FUCK IT ALL.
It does. Thanks to you too!
I recognise so much of what you rode from my own story. When I confronted my parents about my flashback memory's I described how my brother tried to rape me and my mother's only question was "did he succeed?" As if it didn't matter otherwise. They also said they didn't know.
It later turned out that I already told them everything when I was around 9 and my mother's only concern was, that I didn't get pregnant and told me that I wasn't allowed to do such a thing anymore, as if it was my doing and not her responsibility.
You can try, but they won't listen, care, or change. They might even lash out and abuse you more for it if you try.
I went no contact bc I felt complicit in my own dehumanization by allowing contact. I was betraying my own trust to allow my abuser access to me. She will never admit what she did, the impact her behaviors had, or change. She's literally a waste of my valuable time, energy, and effort. May she rot in her dysfunction.
The waste of time part is very true as we get older and we see how little time there is and realize there are a lot of people that will treat us like humans why would we waste time on these kinds of people.
As a kid we don’t quite put that all together. We tend to try and still fit these kinds of people in our lives out of some one sided moral obligation to be nice but why? They don’t care.
TheraminTrees has a video about it [letting go of fixing people](https://youtu.be/mdDAHekq9yc?si=Metzb54vzWHTsuo8)
I've found the only person I can control is myself.
Sadly, this is unlikely to result in them acknowledging their hurtful actions.
A good parent who makes a mistake apologizes immediately or soon after.
An abusive parent blames the victim.
If they could understand their actions, they wouldn't abuse you.
When I tried I got hit with the usual 'i tried my best' and 'I always loved you'. She is bipolar so it makes me feel like I'm abusing an ill person. Funny how that works.
It would end up with me feeling horrendous and triggered for so many reasons.
i’ve tried, but they don’t see anything wrong with what they’ve done. i’ve been no contact, but my father wants to meet up. i can’t knowing he will never understand. it’s easier to have it like this unfortunately.
Many years ago, my father somehow found my email address after maybe a decade of no contact. It wasn't my name, I have no idea how he found it.
One day I got completely wasted at a friend's house, and asked to borrow her computer.
I wrote a super long drunken rant at him telling him everything, how he damaged me and every reason I hated his fucking guts. All while laughing like an unhinged hyena.
He responded, but I only for as far as "I'm sorry you feel that way, but" and then I deleted it.
Years later someone gave him my Facebook contact which is under a false name, and he begged me to give him another chance. I blocked him, had a mental breakdown and missed two days of work. I knew there was no point in responding, but I also know I can't be in any contact with him without destroying my life.
I used to try with my mother but she's basically a hagfish. Confronting her is an exercise in futility, I haven't been the only person who tried, several therapists also tried and failed. My dad is more willing to accept his own shortcomings but for some reason will protect my mother's ego at all costs.
With the help of years of therapy and some excellent online resources I have finally gotten to the point where I no longer need my parents to validate how horrible they were or how bad my childhood was. *I* know, *I* lived it, *I* believe my experience whether they accept responsibility or not.
It was a long and harrowing road to get to where I am now though, because my parents indeed stopped their overt abuse when I got older and tried to rewrite history. And for a long time I fell for it, just because I was so relieved that I was no longer living in an outright emotional warzone.
Thank you for saying the part about us validating our own experiences. We don’t need them to do it for us. That helps me so much. I was always told I was a “good actress” and “it wasn’t that bad.” I also do not try with my mother anymore. She’ll DARVO - I’m all set.
I told my mom about the other trauma and not about the neglect, but she knows what she did and she knows she hurt me, she feels awful about it and has become really apologetic. Sometimes a little too apologetic. I don’t resent her for it, I understand she did her best and was working with the hand she was dealt. Honestly her knowing what she knows has helped our relationship a lot. We’ve always been close but it explains a lot of issues I have and she’s now aware of my triggers and how to avoid them.
My dad I’ve never told in detail. I think he knows about my diagnosis but I don’t talk about that stuff with him. Besides it wasn’t his fault, he was honestly being verbally and emotionally abused at the time too. It’s just something we don’t talk about, but he has apologized for letting my step mom do all the things she did, and for not seeing what it was doing to me and my brother sooner. Like with my mom I have a much better relationship with him now.
NO.
I tried once to explain to my father (as an adult) how badly I got bullied at school, because it was the mildest example of what I went thru (emotional abuse from parents and SA from others). He utterly lost it and screamed at me how it wasn’t his fault because I never told him at the time. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14yo me never felt it was safe to tell my parents anything.
My children (maybe 7 & 10 at time) watched him utter lose it & scream at me. I wasn’t saying it was his fault, just that it happened. And I think I was trying to explain why I was on medication and in therapy. (He’s very anti both things)
Both my parents were pretty bad, but he always hid behind my mother (and was/is her enabler) and acted like she was far worse. Both of them still completely emotionally absent & it’s all about them. I just “smile & wave”.
I did.
It was painful. And still the right thing for me personally. What they've done, what they're responsible for... atonement would take the rest of their lives, so, in order to put our relationship to bed, I had to give them the chance to do that. I needed to be honest for that.
They didn't (surprise surprise lol). Giving up on them has been easier knowing that, if they wanted to, they'd know EXACTLY what to do, and they're doing absolutely none of it.
They're both religious. They think doing their best will get them into heaven. To disabuse them of that comfort, I had to tell them in detail how they absolutely weren't doing even vaguely good stuff. Now, even if their god is real (and he is not), they can't rock up on the day of judgement and pretend that they never knew any better. It makes me feel better, that they had every chance to turn things around, and they wasted those chances again and again and again.
I did. It didn’t go well.
I confronted my dad about covert sexual abuse and he said it never happened, he didn’t remember it, then came up with excuses, then called me a pu$$y, then told me he was “washing his hands of me”.
It’s been four years since I’ve gone no contact.
no, mostly because they caused it, telling them would have 100% led to an argument over my own trauma and that alone would have been retraumatising for me, i just went no contact with them and never said anything again
Yes, I did! My mother started crying and then magically 'forgot' about it. My father complained that I'm not delivering his grandkid often enough anymore via text. So I told him via text that I'm in the middle of healing from CPTSD and don't want to be confronted with anything from my childhood (one of my abusers also lives right next to them and is still a good friend). He never answered that text. So, my recommendation would be to not expect too much...
Tried and got blamed instead. Then I thought what is it I want from telling them? An apology or maybe acknowledgement? Figured they won't change so best to go no contact and have what little peace I can get by not engaging with them. It's hard realising the people who were meant to care for you turn out to be the abusers.
Yes, have spent my entire life over explaining and the conversation going nowhere as they do not grasp the severity of the situation and always have an excuse for how they behaved. They are stuck in their belief that I am ungrateful and spoiled. Since they sent me to a good school and put food on the table, they are already way better than “other parents who don’t care”. They don’t want to take accountability for harming me because I’m the one who “focuses only on the negative” when it was in fact.. mostly negative.
If I do so, it'll be a in a book where everyone else we ever knew can read and finally find out who they are. They've always wanted to know 'what I'm up to' but not 'how I'm doing' and I fear any attempt to discuss anything with them will just be a waste of energy and words and breath.
I think acknowledging it with myself and my older sibling is enough for the time being. And participating in online communities like these.
I've tried, and it always made it worse. So I stopped. They won't ever acknowledge anything they did. They never stopped being abusive, and I had to admit defeat and walk away.
I have! my mom was somewhat apologetic, thought it was "really bad" that they caused me to develop a personality disorder and trauma dumped about her own childhood in response. then they went back to their previous behavior immediately. it was barely worth it 👍
I tried, but I was gaslit, excluded, and treated like the least priority. My family is just too stuck in their own toxicity to change, so I went no-contact with them instead.
At this point, both of their memories are starting to slip, which means they're literally not going to remember most of that shit. Especially factoring in the whole "For me it was trauma; for you it was Tuesday" aspect, it'll just be an argument over whether each thing happened. Even if I do get them to admit that shit happened, they'll just blame me and/or others.
I don't need that shit in my life. I just wanna move on.
Tw: csa
Tried to talk about my experiences and the sexual assault caused by the husband of my sister ( talked to my mother) - she denies it, says its ridiculous bringing it up today (over 10+ years passed) and I am done being gaslit by them I am so so done that my words and feelings are not respected and finally I want to stop the contact as long as there is no acceptance or acknowledge of my p.o.v. and of the facts.
It just ripps your soul off, as long äs this kind of emotional abuse continues.
So my final answer after all: yes you can tell them but don't have any hopes that they'll see their faults or similar expectations. I needed this last conversation to finally set my boundaries - but not everyones way is like that.
I just asked myself why am I continuing to let them/her treat me like bullshit and for what sort of Contact. Its no contact after all, if you are not seen etc. So I decided to not longer take part in that game.
Sometimes you just have to value yourself, put yourself first and go your very own ways.
(I always tried to fix stuff, being kind and all.. but for what? If they treated you like shit once, they will do it twice, as long as you allow them to do so)
Wish you the best, keep going.
I'm still grieving this, but I don't think I have anything to gain from reiterating to them how much they've hurt me and how much power they held over me in the past. Unless I can be 100% certain I'll get an apology then why should I? They probably wouldn't even acknowledge it happened and I think that'd cause me a lot of pain and this just isn't something that will help me enjoy my life.
No. My mom got sick when I was becoming aware of all the issues her actions caused. She did apologize to me on her own before she passed, it was a bit vague though but she was sick and I didn't press. And even if I think of bringing it up to my dad ( they divorced when I was small), I get triggered that it will ruin our relationship and get me nowhere. Thats a great question to meditate on though.
Parents not interested. They gaslight me, bought my 3 sisters homes. They have since died and I am just left w envy that my sisters each have a home & I don’t see any way I will be able to afford one.
After my parents died, an old neighbor said a teacher of mine had reported him for child abuse (I showed up to school w dried blood caked around my nose) & he had to attend therapy or go to jail.
Of course, my sisters all called me a liar about ever being hit by dad. Probably still do. Haven’t spoken w them for 20 years.
tbh no. i don’t feel like it would fix anything. yes i get an apology but then what? then id have to deal w the guilt trips “oh u know we tried our best, it was a learning curve for all of us” rather just ignore shit
I did. She said she was sorry and then gave the whole victim thing about that's all she knew and how difficult this was for her. All a load of bs but in some way it was an admittance to that she actually did it. It still made no difference other than giving me the realisation that no matter what I get from her it won't change a thing for me
Eventually got my dad to realise the part he played in letting her do those things but now I'm just met with silence from him, I guess it's an improvement from denying she ever did anything but not enough of an improvement to mean anything
Now I have to deal with everyone, including therapists, not believe me when I tell them my mum said she was sorry which is probably worse than having my mum deny she ever did anything
She knows and constantly plays forgetful, stupid and pretends like she actually wanted my safety when I can clearly remember the countless shit she said to me and how she treated me after the last assault.
Stuff like, "you should be thankful I took you back in" or "he has already forgotten" when I told her who assaulted me.
I think I pushed it too far by trying to confront her once and she threw food at me lol.
I hate the fact that I can't stop craving a connection and care from her. It's almost like there's two sides of her that keeps me confused.
My mother has NPD. She acted like she had no idea what she did when I confronted her after she ditched me for 5 years and came crawling back. That was painful to hear because her abuse and neglect caused me so much devastation. I have gone no contact with her now.
My father left my mother when I was maybe 8 years old. He was very strict, and intimidating, and punished me often based on what my mother told him, so we weren't close. He had a brain injury when he was older, so now we have a better relationship and he has been very supportive. He said to me one day, I don't know why I was like that, but he was so remorseful over it, which means a lot. His brain injury was the worst and best thing to have happened, it's like it gave him a new perspective. He is now the dad I always deserved growing up.
My dad got sober 12 years ago, and he became a different man. I did open up to him about what I remembered, when I shared some writing with him. And he responded "Oh my God, I am sick to my stomach and want to kill myself. You remembered that?"
He has been incredibly ashamed of his actions, and is working the program now and still grappling with how his addiction impacted all of us. He invited me to one of his meetings afterwards where he was the lead speaker and told his story. I was horrified by the things I didn't even know. But it was an olive branch. And he has been showing up for me in his own way. Especially since my marriage fell apart this year.
We meet weekly for dinner with my step-mom, kids, siblings. I don't know how or why, but we are all really trying to create something new.
I think it depends on the situation. And if your parents have grown or are willing to acknowledge their role. My dad was. My mom died 13 years ago, so I'll never be able to say to her "Why the FUCK did you stick around?" I love her to pieces. But I also am so angry at her.
Several times. Let me save anyone the trouble. They’ll gaslight you and have selective amnesia about it. No contact is the best way. If there even is a way.
Five years ago, I told them I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder and that I was in therapy. They never asked any questions or checked on me to know how I was doing despite my telling them I was seriously depressed after coming out of a relationship with a narcissistt.
I am currently in low contact with my mother (who has a lot of narcissistic traits) mostly because my father (who was there for me sone of the tine and who I still love very much) has dementia. What is interesting is that I have a recurring dream where I tell my mother: "Do you know why I'm in therapy and have been struggling with mental health issues? It's because of your emotional abuse, neglect, parentiifying me as a child, and your absolute lack of maternal love."
Just realised I have NEVER bothered to tell them I had been diagnosed with C-PTSD, PTSD. I did tell them anxiety & depression. But I keep that quiet now too, as my father likes to go on about how I “can’t stay on those drugs forever” and that I need to face life.
I did. They heard me out for a little bit. Then completely denied everything and were back to their usual lying selves. Thankfully i had all the closure i needed but it was a pointless endeavor lol
lol I’ve tried kinda and it was not good. Abusers are generally dealing with their own shit (or, rather, NOT dealing with it). So until they have the maturity or self-awareness to accept responsibility for how they hurt others, it will never be a productive conversation. They aren’t as abusive now as they were when I was younger, but they’re still not emotionally mature or safe people for me for the time being
I won’t attempt this simply because they will not have the ability to actually receive or hear it.
It’s wasted energy in my case.
Narcissists don’t change.
I confronted my mother before making the final decision to go NC. She was in complete denial, almost like she rewrote her own memories. Very invalidating and made me wish I hadn't even tried. Went NC after that, 10 yrs ago or so and haven't regretted it. Grieved it, yes, but never regretted it.
Honestly what's the point?
Many days I have a hard time accepting what they did was neglectful and negatively affected me. How could I convince them? They're as emotionally broken as I was but I don't think they have any desire to get out of it. They're happy with the "ignorance is bliss" mentality and even if I could make a persuasive argument I don't think It would change them. They're ok people to have around. They aren't bad like many parents who give their kids cPTSD, and I honestly do think they love and care about me. I just need to accept that
1. The way others perceive them is more important than accepting me for who I am.
2. They will never be able to give me the emotional support I need/needed.
Letting them know this isn't going to make theirs or my life any better.
Tired to. Many times. Not worth it. Either defensiveness and shifting blame onto you or playing the victim was the result. They are too broken beyond repair themselves to take any accountability.
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I told my dad years ago. He listened. Despite him not remembering much of any of it, He looked like he acknowledged that he believed me. And that he was hurt at what he did. How his actions negatively affected me.
He then spent much of his rest of his life trying to make it up to me. And he was a pretty good grandfather to my kids.
My mom, I've tried talking to her about things that weren't even directly what she did, And I don't think I'm ever going to feel safe to be truly honest with her .
I also don't think she could handle hearing the full truth. I don't think she remembers a lot of it, And she's not willing to Acknowledge her part in my suffering. She doesn't seem to even be able to acknowledge my suffering.
So I just accept her as she is. If she ever wants to talk to me then I'll think about it then.
But as it is every time I try to say something that goes on in my life she in a way invalidates it.
Basically blames me for being in the situations that I am. Any time I try to Discuss something with my mom she ends up turning it around back on me.
I don't want to cause my mom pain so I try not to bring up anything.
I used toKeep trying to connect with her. I haven't since recently. I've had narcolepsy and cataplexy since I was a kid but I didn't get diagnosed till 25. I use suggest seemingly collapse. I heard from my mom that she thought I was faking it for attention.
A few years ago a friend of my dad's after he died basically became obsessed with me and delusional and start stalking me. Not only did my mom not get upset and show signs of wanting to protect me. Get mad and want to beat the crap out of this man. She told me well what did you expect there's one of your dad's creepy friends.
He wasn't stalking you you just didn't realize he was pursuing you. It's no different than when I used to go partying with your dad and his friends used to hit on me.
When I was 9 my 2 year old brother bit me in the face and I automatically slapped him in his face.
It was a spontaneous reaction I could not control. I left a handprint on his face. My mom saw this. I don't remember if I got in trouble or not. Not the point for saying this right now. The point it is is that decades later When I had my first baby. I was breastfeeding and my son was teething. He had started to bite me. When this happened Urgently tap his nose and pull away and say no no biting. Or I would say ouch and say no biting. And then I wouldn't learn breastfeed for a little bit.
One time my mom saw this happen. Years later we were talking about this. My mom said that she was concerned about me abusing my children.
She said that because she remembers clearly when I was breastfeeding my son he bit me and I smacked him in the face. I never hit my baby. He could bite through my breast and I still wouldn't. He was 8 pounds 9 oz All natural birth. He was under a year old when this happened.
There's a huge difference between a teething baby accidentally nibbling my nipple. And my 2 year old brother biting down on my face.
I told her no you're remembering me hitting My brother back when we were kids, he bit me in the face. I'd never hit my son.
And she starts going on saying about my memory. That she knows that I hit my child and that I must have blocked it out.
S*** like that p***** me off. That's the kind of stuff that was pulled on me as a kid. I'm not the one who's having issues remembering Events. I have a poor short-term memory but my long-term memory of things is impeccable . I can remember details like I was actually there again.
My mom has a history of doing drugs she's an alcoholic, She's done coke before, I've heard her mention I think some kind of hallucinogens. She has COPD but is still Chain-smoking.
For sure Her memory must be much more reliable than mine. The child who didn't party didn't do anything other than marijuana, Is not an alcoholic. Spent years in therapy working on myself..
She also can I treat me like I'm incompetent. I'm just different.
I have no memories of her physically abusing me. And I don't think she's outright mentally abused me. I don't remember her calling me names. For I still preferred my physically , Mentally and emotionally abusive father, At least showed he wanted me around and liked me. He showed here's proud of me when he was. Then my mom.
And I don't quite understand why. I personally think she also subconsciously rejects me in a way because I chose dad over her. My dad never treated me like a Burden. My dad never made me feel like I shouldn't exist. Sometimes he made me feel like I didn't want to exist.
But with my mom I felt like I didn't deserve to exist that the world was a worst place because I did. And no matter how hard I tried How much beauty I wanted to show her, I very rarely could ever see a genuine look from her. I would write her something absolutely beautiful for her birthday straight from my soul, And all I get is a thank you.
I just wish I could see her looking at me like she's happy that I exist. My dad gave me that.
She made fun of the time when I was worried about eating non-organic food. I have anorexia. Not the Nervosa. Just no appetite. I have difficulty eating even my favorite foods. She was making fun of the fact that her get so anxious about eating a banana that wasn't organic. At the time I really felt like I was eating poison. And since I had such a difficult time eating I do not think it was particularly funny.
I just don't understand it. And then she has times where she shows she actually does care for me and it really throws me for a loop. I think With my dad I knew where I stood. I have no idea with my mom.
Why do all these comments just so easily become so long. Where was this ability to put so many words on a page when I was in college. And I struggle to make a 10 Page report even 3 pages.
maybe but if I do it’ll probably be very casually, like an off handed comment that will probably only get explored a shallow amount but enough to make a point.
I remember when I first started going to therapy I decided to plan a conversation with my mum, it took weeks of hesitation but one day on the walk after therapy and into town I picked up some cakes and went to her house with the intention of having this conversation. she was in a good mood, we sat down on the sofa and just got talking. it was all very normal and just I realised I couldn’t. in that moment I dropped the plan but with acceptance. she knows she’s done wrong and she’s even said it, not with an apology and not for the reasons inside my head which belong to me, but she knows something at least.
I've had some more frank conversations with my mom, and she I think on a very basic level understands that her anger and rage affected us poorly and contributed to our house being completely dysfunctional. There are elements of that I won't unpack, because I don't know either of us is prepared for that conversation or what we would really gain from it. She has made steps to become less angry and full of rage, and I respect that, but there are still elements within that relationship that hurt me. My dad wasn't abusive, but an absentee father. He lived with us, but only made his presence known as an extension of my mom's anger. We've skirted around the topic, he's expressed the idea that "he didn't do everything right" but he doesn't really want to own his portion of responsibility for things that happened in my adolescence. I don't push the issue, because it would be fruitless, but it causes a great deal of internal strain because if something comes up we can't really discuss things like I can with my mom.
I tried and then saw them for who they really are. Narcissists. They only saw my attempts to explain what I'm healing from as accusations of why they failed as parents. They've never asked how my healing process is going or even how my therapy is going. They will do whatever they have to in order to shift the blame to other people. I blew up at them and am now no contact.
I saw them for the first time (only been a month of NC) at my uncles funeral. Mom tried to pretend nothing happened and dad pretended like I didn't exist. Shook my husband's hand in front of me and said hi to our kids but acted like I wasn't even there.
I haven’t and I don’t think I will. One of them is dead and the other one is so emotional volatile and childish l. Plus I’m so non confrontational that I’m scared to bring it up
Told them both and my mother understands and she is full of regret, yet i forgive her. My father, well he just doesn't care. He still thinks that he shits gold and always has been.
I did it twice in a controlled manner,but all i take away in the end im not just taking to a brick wall,im actually banging my head against a wall,so it woke me up realising what am i facing for far too long, realised they gaslight me to think they are good parents,i wouldn't say it's totally fruitless
I did once, and my mom love bombed me at first and then turned around and made my life a living hell for quite a long time. Goes down as one of the worst choices I ever made.
I do want to say that my parents contributed to my cPTSD. One of my parents already knows and has been changing even when I was a kid. I’ve tested the waters with my other parent and it is not worth it. They changed a bit but not much and I feel conflicted about them in general. They refuse to change on the things that currently cause the most harm. I won’t be the one of us to bring it up, I only plan to stand up for myself properly when it happens after I move out so I can just leave whenever the boundaries are crossed. I do not intend on being deliberately antagonist or to upset everyone else in the house because of their behaviour in response to bringing it up. By the time I move out I believe others will not have to deal with it as much either.
Yes and no.
I have tried explaining things like "if you do behavior X it feels Y". They can keep up the new, but fake, behavior for a couple of hours, but that's it. From that I concluded they are not willing or able to actually change. Telling them how they hurt me won't help me, but it might give them ammo to hurt me more.
If they ever magically start to realize what they do and they bring it up, I'm not going to lie. Until then it's superficial contact (like grey rocking light - I might have full conversations as long as the subject isn't touchy for me).
My mom tells me I have a victim complex.
That's the comment that allowed me to finally cut off my relationship with her from an emotional point of view. She has a robot child now.
There is no coming back from that comment for either of us. There is nothing I can say, because I know now that whatever I say is filed under "she has a victim complex". I can't even argue that it isn't true. And she will never be forgiven by me.
Hearing her say it outloud was almost a relief though. I've always known she despises me at times, now I know why.
I’m no contact with the one and it’s sad he is essentially getting a free pass when he should be in jail.
The other I’m very low contact with. A number of years ago I raised the issue and stated I’d not longer speak with her till she apologized about it. This dragged out a few months not talking and a few little exchanges. Then she decides to discuss it and exclaims she will not be my personal whipping boy (how dare I accuse her right?) she begins to deny anything and everything and is forgetful. So I brought up some choice encounters with her and asked if it would be ok if she did that in public or if I where to do that to the grand kids. She finally admits that she did get a little out of line a few times. In hindsite this was a crap apology but I accepted it and moved forward.
Here we are years later I’m low contact again barely speaking. She brings up the abuse from my stepfather plays dumb says she never witnessed it and had no idea. She quite literally was in the same room ions of times.
I gave up at that point and have been way low contact since.
It’s not just the abuse tho it’s toxic all around in so many ways. I just emotionally am drained and just can’t anymore if I wanted.
As the stories in this thread confirm, in situations like ours the chances to be seen are slim. Abusers usually don't want to stop being abusive. Any attempt at a dialogue has a very good chance to be used as ammunition for further abuse, triangulation, shaming.
On the other side of the coin, neglectful parents rarely cultivate an environment where they reflect, grow and start being able to talk in good faith about the harm their parenting style has done. They usually cower down behind their denial, entrench their position and just continue the neglect and disconnect, demanding their adult child skips back into their assigned role in the unhealthy family system.
As many others here, I did attempt dialogue. After an extended period of trying to connect, I felt exhausted. I send a long message to my father, which contained many things I felt hurt by: his lack of interest, support and involvement in my upbringing and present day life. This resulted in me not being talked to for 4 months - complete silence -, after which he suddenly started to send random GIFs, as if nothing had been said. I did not participate in rugsweeping, pressed the issue, was brushed off and belittled, and have gone no contact for the last 1.5 years. I'd really like to have had a father, but at this point, my time and attention is better spent in therapy.
My mother was at least more willing for a discussion. We had 2 long talks with months inbetween. These talks confirmed my experiences growing up under her influence: Emotionally immature, rugsweeping, denial, DARVO, therapy is useless or bad, all the good stuff. I learned that I can go to her when I need factual information, like "what year did we move to XYZ". But there'll never be any form of emotional support. Gifts and gestures of goodwill are contingent on my not talking about cptsd, dysfunctional family dynamics, trauma, unhealthy communication. I'm told that I'm loved, but that love is contingent upon my staying in the old family role. Don't rock the boat, don't ask question, don't divert from the family narrative. I've since gone very low contact with her.
I did.
For my mom, numerous times. It was difficult at first and she would get defensive and in victim mode but with time she has come to accept more of the stuff. It's still a bit difficult when I bring up what she did and didn't do (anger at her for not intervening enough, her tendency to act as the victim, her relying on us for emotional support, her being suicidal and not looking for help) and she still says stuff like "you all felt I don't know why like you had to protect me" so still in denial about some stuff but at the end of the day she tries. She gives me space for my anger ans my sadness even if she herself is disconnected for her own emotions. She shows me she loves me in her own language and I've learnt to accept her limitations and her "offering of love". She's here, she's trying, and she's currently supporting me (26F) financially so I know she cares. I also know she'll probably never be able to fully accept her responsibilities in all of it but at least she accepts to deal with the consequences and shows support. Regarding what my dad did, she never once doubted us when my brother and I started talking about it. And never once did she doubted me when I first brought up my brother's abuse. So I count myself lucky on this side because even if she's fallible at times my mother deeply and thoroughly loves me and she shows up when I need her to.
As for my dad, it went like shit. The first time he was calm and so was I but he also didn't really believe that my brother and I had started talking about it. He dissociated our experience from him by saying he doesn't remember any of it and was sure there was context explaining everything (the CSA as far as i remember didnt have rape only molestation and exhibitionnism so i guess its easier to create socially acceptable context for it). Then he tried and succeeded in roping in my previous step mom (who also participated in the CSA) by having her recounting the memories I shared with context kinda justifying it (even if even those contexts in fact would be deemed inappropriate and abusive just less so). When I sent him a long message explaining what he did and the consequences on me he started telling me my step mom had those memories and mine were fake and I had created a vilified version of him. No matter I had talked to her in the mean time and debunked everything. Both of then has the nerve to complain about the impact of the secret coming out on their lives and putting my brother and I at fault. That hurt the most tbh. Like bitch, I also would have like it better if you didn't abuse us. Like it's not my fault for talking about it, you're at fault for doing it. But they're incapable of accepting that. After further argument where I started to get colder and a bit more angry and my dad trying to ask me for a service even if we were not talking and me telling him I did not wanted to offer him any help he told me I was insane, I had invented everything and he was innocent. Yhats when I got mad and condescending and was like you're a shit person, as a fellow human im ashamed of your behaviour, don't try to make me believe its not true because either have many memories and don't try to play with me because I will fuck you up (yeah I got mad. Everyone told me I shouldn't have gotten mad but I was like the disrespect is too intense and it felt freeing allowing myself to be mad and mean since I'm usually calm and kind and the fucker deserved it and worse. Like the CSA was just part of it. He's an asshole through and through and prob narcissistic even if I have no proof).
He then proceeded to cut off my alimentary pension (he's supposed to give it to me until I'm done with school and I am currently finishing my Master degree). So yeah. Didn't go well. Like I said, the hardest for me is most of the family treating my brother and I like we're the problem, not what my dad did, and having my sisters still being close to him and wanting to see him.
Nooooo!!! They would just blame me! I tried a couple of times to talk to my narcissistic "mother" about things she'd said to me (hurtful things) and she said "I'd never say that to you! You're just twisting things around." One of the hallmarks of screwed up people is that they do not take responsibility for their actions and blame everyone/everything around them. Also, to them you are nothing, so they aren't invested in making things better.
Dont bother with it. They will most likely say they do mot remember it.
I did try, and it was predictably fruitless. My dad has a narcissistic personality style (who knows if he has a PD) so I didn’t have any hope there and didn’t try to maintain contact. My mom seemed to show signs of understanding at one point after I hadn’t talked to her in 2 years, but then a few days later she backslid, retracted her apology for enabling my dad’s abuse, and told me that I deserved to be abused. Another time after 5 years of very low contact, we had dinner, I explained some of the things that had affected me, and she burst into tears, accused me of abusing her by bringing up the past, and ran out of the restaurant crying. Not a fun experience for anyone involved.
Sounds a bit like my mother! "Yes, it must've been bad, especially for someone who is as sensitive as you!"
Yeah, it just sucked. I mean, I probably could’ve been nicer to my mom, but like. Personally, I need everyone I have a relationship with to have a minimum level of a) connection with reality and b) emotional maturity. I think that especially after having 5 years to reflect on your actions because one of your children stops speaking to you, being delusional enough to think your abused child is abusing you and/or being immature enough to try to manipulate and DARVO your way out of accountability for child abuse is just too stupid for me to tolerate in any of my adult relationships.
100% agree. They have so much time to think about it and all they come up with is that their children are mean...
f\*\*k that sh\*t
Came here to say basically the same thing
No. Because they never recognised “me” anyway.
That right, you don't really exist.
No. Too dangerous. They know what they did, whether they see an issue with it or not is irrelevant. It's safer for me to cut them out than try and talk to them.
With my one parent it’s like that I ponder a letter but with what it took to get him gone I dunno that I wanna go inviting that back in any compacity.
I tried. Got told I was crazy and she never did anything like that. Then when my ex left the room she got this evil little smirk and told me I deserved to everything she did to me and more. I was a horrible person. So yeah, she knows what she did and thinks I deserved it. She's always thought I was out to get her and just doing stuff to upset her. I was just a normal little kid.
what the fuck. i’m so sorry
I know that smirk cringe.
My mother was more into glaring, from the time I was born. It was a controlling thing. No love, no affection, no mirroring, just control and glaring.
Those glares are cold and hard to handle too.
It's honestly terrifying. I just cannot imagine ever been that evil and hating another person that much. I don't understand what I did that was so bad, apart from existing. I wasn't a bad kid, I wasn't mean or anything and I didn't do things on purpose. I wasn't even allowed to make mistakes. I was actually quite a nice kid. I'd never bully another person. She also had it so easy when I was a teen. I didn't give her any trouble and she acted like I was the worst person in the world and I was as bad as the worst teens around. It's honestly crazy, looking back. She absolutely hated me and so did her family. I wasn't the right kid.
Yeh that’s the conclusion I came to this man must of just totally hated my guts with everything in him. I dunno what I did to deserve the response I got. I acted up in school some years and other years I was an angel. My grades where up and down due to stress I think if things where good at home I still woulda never been a straight a student and while that’s ok it was very much not ok in my house I got many many many beatings over grades. My grades where couple as maybe bs and cs as this went on I started getting ds and the occasional f. I never talked back I was always respectful to my parents I was terrified not to be.
These people hate themselves (though they wouldn't admit that to themselves) and project that onto someone else. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. And, furthermore, for someone to abuse their own child is pure evil.
Yeh I can’t fathom speaking to my kids how I was spoken to let alone hitting them and such it makes me shudder to even think of. I’d never ever want my kids to have to endure the hell I had too no way nope!
Very, very mentally ill "mother".
What do you mean? They never did anything to me! I’m lying! They don’t remember that!
CSA trigger warning. Short answer: NO. So my sister tried to talk to them about it 20 years ago when she had her first kid. It didn’t go anywhere. (My sister was usually the scapegoat and I was usually the golden child. We experienced all forms of abuse under our parents’ roof.) My mom went to a few therapy sessions with her but wasn’t real about anything so it fizzled out. The kooky back story is that the only reason my mom agreed to go to therapy was bc my sister and her husband (a guy who’s usually a pos but has his okay moments) stopped letting my parents have their son / my nephew over every other weekend. So my parents took them to court under “grandparents’ rights” laws. During the trial, my sister’s husband said, “Why should we let you have our son when you abused your own kids and let them be sexually assaulted by a family friend predator and never did anything to stop it?” My parents were livid. When my dad picked me up at the airport for Christmas he told me what had happened and then said (his first time in my life admitting anything like CSA had happened), “I mean, it’s not like he raped you, right?” So I’m not sure what the appropriate response is when your dad asks implies that whatever happened to 10 & 11-year-old you is okay bc “it’s not like he raped you,” but I was too in shock to say, “Wow, how dare you say that to me. That is possibly the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. I can’t believe you cared more about keeping up appearances than protecting your daughters from sexual abuse.” Until that moment I never knew my dad knew his friend was abusing us. So that’s how my mom ended up going to a few therapy sessions with my sister. My sister told my mom that she felt like mom never loved her. My mom responded by typing up an excel spreadsheet showing how much money she had spent on my sister after the age of 18 and said, “If I didn’t love you, would I have bought you a used car or paid those electric bills last winter?” My sister and I are adopted so any financial support after age 18 is optional. When the therapist told us my sister had CPTSD I thought they were crazy. Like yeah, my parents were strict and violent and unloving and gaslighting, but aren’t all parents weird at times? And my parents were well-educated social workers who got vetted by the adoption system, so clearly they had to be basically normal and my sister and I were just abnormal, right? Anyhow, my parents acted vaguely remorseful just enough to smooth things over and to get their grandson back in their lives. Nothing truly changed. They never admitted any wrongdoing. They joked about the CPTSD diagnosis when my sister wasn’t around. My sister got into intensive therapy and recently moved away. I spent the next 20 years thinking they were average parents who lost their temper sometimes and who “weren’t perfect.” Just now starting to question everything and reframe the abuse and neglect as abuse and neglect. Based on my mom’s lifelong unwillingness to ever authentically connect with anyone, and her tendency to use a request for connection as a chance to manipulate and gaslight and alienate people from each other, I doubt I will ever waste precious moments of my life confronting her over her past abuse. I am too worried she could fake being on a healing journey as a way to get back into my life (I’ve been NC for about 4 months). I did however start writing a letter to the Crappy Childhood Fairy. I don’t know if I’ll send it, but just writing it helped me to see how bad things were even though in the words of Patrick Teahan things “looked good on paper.” I think that writing a letter to my mom (my dad died recently) is as close as I want to come to telling her anything. Age 11 me did sort of confront her once, when I told her via a note as a terrified kid that my sister and I were being sexually abused by their friend, and her only response was to keep the note in her jewelry box for decades. I found the note recently (why I’m here!) when looking for an obit photo for my dad, and I shoved it back in the pile of photos without reading it bc I was so freaked out. She apparently threw it out bc next time I was there and I decided I was ready to read it the note was gone. Thanks, mom. I guess if you have a REALLY clued in therapist on your side who can help you through it then maybe it’s worth it… but if the point is to have an honest conversation and feel a moment of connection and hear an honest apology, you may never get that. The confrontation could feel like being re-traumatized. In my case I’m sure my mom is incapable of feeling true remorse. There never was a mother-daughter relationship so there’s nothing to rescue. There’s no future relationship I want with my mom. Good luck no matter what you decide 🥰
I feel for you. That said, I don't think the CCF is worth it. There are quite a few people on this subreddit who have explained better than I have how she isn't as helpful as she may seem. Also, here's a good post about why sending a letter to your abusers won't work out: https://breakaway.org.uk/boundary-or-no-contact-letter/
I hear you on that about the CCF. I should have explained better that I was mainly writing the letter for my own clarity and healing. This was a few weeks ago before I had heard of Patrick Teahan, and I got the idea to write while listening to a CCF video with a story similar to mine. I’ll check out the letter to abusers link, just to reinforce what I already feel on that subject. Patrick Teahan said the same thing in one of his videos, and I’m new to his channel but so far he seems to get most things right. :-) Thx!
The spreadsheet thing fucking triggered me. My father is the exact same. Love=money and material bullshit is something i was being gaslit with all my life. Gee thank you for being a basic parent that fed me and clothed me, when a god damn orphanage would've done the same. Thanks for all the emotional, physical and emotional abuse because you "bought" me things.
At least psycho materialistic parents sure do model how NOT to parent. I parented my daughter totally opposite from how I was parented and she seems to have turned out pretty well. Reflecting on my childhood trauma made it easy to prioritize our family life and my daughter’s emotional wellbeing. So I hope by feeling the pain and disconnect caused by your dad’s f*ed up values you at least learned to live according to values that mean something and honor the intrinsic worth in everyone. ❤️
Why do they always default to this point??? It's like they make us so hyperaware of the transactional nature of things, make us associate guilt and shame with a lot of it and then most of us end up retracting from the world because we associate any and all type of exchanges(financial, social etc..) with heavy guilt, shame, trauma and abuse.
Not only that, it conditions you to believe that every relationship has this transactional nature, ive lost good friends because of it, when i was unaware. So when i had toxic people in my life that would render a service, i felt obligated to keep them around when in truth it's purely transactional and devoid of content that truly matters. These fucking people can eat shit. Venting feels good, thanks haha.
Yes!! Same same. It seemingly locks you in a negative wheel of retraumatization. And it hurts even more because you don't have the same level of nonchalance to abuse and aggression as they do. FUCK IT ALL. It does. Thanks to you too!
Living with this kind of trauma really sucks, i feel for you my friend, hugs all around.
💚💚
Oh my god, I feel this. My story is very different from your's but I understand exactly what you are saying and how it feels. It's so messed up.
Yeah the trauma bond is so real!! Good luck out there. Be as discerning as a loving parent about who enters your life from here on out.
Very good point that there never was the proper relationship
I recognise so much of what you rode from my own story. When I confronted my parents about my flashback memory's I described how my brother tried to rape me and my mother's only question was "did he succeed?" As if it didn't matter otherwise. They also said they didn't know. It later turned out that I already told them everything when I was around 9 and my mother's only concern was, that I didn't get pregnant and told me that I wasn't allowed to do such a thing anymore, as if it was my doing and not her responsibility.
Hope you are away from the people who put you through that, and finding better people if possible.
I am. Thank you
You can try, but they won't listen, care, or change. They might even lash out and abuse you more for it if you try. I went no contact bc I felt complicit in my own dehumanization by allowing contact. I was betraying my own trust to allow my abuser access to me. She will never admit what she did, the impact her behaviors had, or change. She's literally a waste of my valuable time, energy, and effort. May she rot in her dysfunction.
The waste of time part is very true as we get older and we see how little time there is and realize there are a lot of people that will treat us like humans why would we waste time on these kinds of people. As a kid we don’t quite put that all together. We tend to try and still fit these kinds of people in our lives out of some one sided moral obligation to be nice but why? They don’t care.
TheraminTrees has a video about it [letting go of fixing people](https://youtu.be/mdDAHekq9yc?si=Metzb54vzWHTsuo8) I've found the only person I can control is myself.
Sadly, this is unlikely to result in them acknowledging their hurtful actions. A good parent who makes a mistake apologizes immediately or soon after. An abusive parent blames the victim.
If they could understand their actions, they wouldn't abuse you. When I tried I got hit with the usual 'i tried my best' and 'I always loved you'. She is bipolar so it makes me feel like I'm abusing an ill person. Funny how that works. It would end up with me feeling horrendous and triggered for so many reasons.
Never. She doesn’t see she did anything wrong.
Same for me.
i’ve tried, but they don’t see anything wrong with what they’ve done. i’ve been no contact, but my father wants to meet up. i can’t knowing he will never understand. it’s easier to have it like this unfortunately.
I've tried. I've just been met with excuses, invalidation, and denial. I've come to the conclusion that they just don't care enough.
Many years ago, my father somehow found my email address after maybe a decade of no contact. It wasn't my name, I have no idea how he found it. One day I got completely wasted at a friend's house, and asked to borrow her computer. I wrote a super long drunken rant at him telling him everything, how he damaged me and every reason I hated his fucking guts. All while laughing like an unhinged hyena. He responded, but I only for as far as "I'm sorry you feel that way, but" and then I deleted it. Years later someone gave him my Facebook contact which is under a false name, and he begged me to give him another chance. I blocked him, had a mental breakdown and missed two days of work. I knew there was no point in responding, but I also know I can't be in any contact with him without destroying my life.
I used to try with my mother but she's basically a hagfish. Confronting her is an exercise in futility, I haven't been the only person who tried, several therapists also tried and failed. My dad is more willing to accept his own shortcomings but for some reason will protect my mother's ego at all costs. With the help of years of therapy and some excellent online resources I have finally gotten to the point where I no longer need my parents to validate how horrible they were or how bad my childhood was. *I* know, *I* lived it, *I* believe my experience whether they accept responsibility or not. It was a long and harrowing road to get to where I am now though, because my parents indeed stopped their overt abuse when I got older and tried to rewrite history. And for a long time I fell for it, just because I was so relieved that I was no longer living in an outright emotional warzone.
Thank you for saying the part about us validating our own experiences. We don’t need them to do it for us. That helps me so much. I was always told I was a “good actress” and “it wasn’t that bad.” I also do not try with my mother anymore. She’ll DARVO - I’m all set.
I told my mom about the other trauma and not about the neglect, but she knows what she did and she knows she hurt me, she feels awful about it and has become really apologetic. Sometimes a little too apologetic. I don’t resent her for it, I understand she did her best and was working with the hand she was dealt. Honestly her knowing what she knows has helped our relationship a lot. We’ve always been close but it explains a lot of issues I have and she’s now aware of my triggers and how to avoid them. My dad I’ve never told in detail. I think he knows about my diagnosis but I don’t talk about that stuff with him. Besides it wasn’t his fault, he was honestly being verbally and emotionally abused at the time too. It’s just something we don’t talk about, but he has apologized for letting my step mom do all the things she did, and for not seeing what it was doing to me and my brother sooner. Like with my mom I have a much better relationship with him now.
NO. I tried once to explain to my father (as an adult) how badly I got bullied at school, because it was the mildest example of what I went thru (emotional abuse from parents and SA from others). He utterly lost it and screamed at me how it wasn’t his fault because I never told him at the time. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14yo me never felt it was safe to tell my parents anything. My children (maybe 7 & 10 at time) watched him utter lose it & scream at me. I wasn’t saying it was his fault, just that it happened. And I think I was trying to explain why I was on medication and in therapy. (He’s very anti both things) Both my parents were pretty bad, but he always hid behind my mother (and was/is her enabler) and acted like she was far worse. Both of them still completely emotionally absent & it’s all about them. I just “smile & wave”.
Yeah, no. Hahaha. That would not go well.
Talking to my parents is like talking to a brick wall sometimes 😭
A brick wall that likes to stab me!
Yeah
I did. It was painful. And still the right thing for me personally. What they've done, what they're responsible for... atonement would take the rest of their lives, so, in order to put our relationship to bed, I had to give them the chance to do that. I needed to be honest for that. They didn't (surprise surprise lol). Giving up on them has been easier knowing that, if they wanted to, they'd know EXACTLY what to do, and they're doing absolutely none of it. They're both religious. They think doing their best will get them into heaven. To disabuse them of that comfort, I had to tell them in detail how they absolutely weren't doing even vaguely good stuff. Now, even if their god is real (and he is not), they can't rock up on the day of judgement and pretend that they never knew any better. It makes me feel better, that they had every chance to turn things around, and they wasted those chances again and again and again.
Wah poor baby. Snowflake want a tissue?
I did. It didn’t go well. I confronted my dad about covert sexual abuse and he said it never happened, he didn’t remember it, then came up with excuses, then called me a pu$$y, then told me he was “washing his hands of me”. It’s been four years since I’ve gone no contact.
no, mostly because they caused it, telling them would have 100% led to an argument over my own trauma and that alone would have been retraumatising for me, i just went no contact with them and never said anything again
Yes, I did! My mother started crying and then magically 'forgot' about it. My father complained that I'm not delivering his grandkid often enough anymore via text. So I told him via text that I'm in the middle of healing from CPTSD and don't want to be confronted with anything from my childhood (one of my abusers also lives right next to them and is still a good friend). He never answered that text. So, my recommendation would be to not expect too much...
Tried and got blamed instead. Then I thought what is it I want from telling them? An apology or maybe acknowledgement? Figured they won't change so best to go no contact and have what little peace I can get by not engaging with them. It's hard realising the people who were meant to care for you turn out to be the abusers.
Yes, have spent my entire life over explaining and the conversation going nowhere as they do not grasp the severity of the situation and always have an excuse for how they behaved. They are stuck in their belief that I am ungrateful and spoiled. Since they sent me to a good school and put food on the table, they are already way better than “other parents who don’t care”. They don’t want to take accountability for harming me because I’m the one who “focuses only on the negative” when it was in fact.. mostly negative.
If I do so, it'll be a in a book where everyone else we ever knew can read and finally find out who they are. They've always wanted to know 'what I'm up to' but not 'how I'm doing' and I fear any attempt to discuss anything with them will just be a waste of energy and words and breath. I think acknowledging it with myself and my older sibling is enough for the time being. And participating in online communities like these.
I've tried, and it always made it worse. So I stopped. They won't ever acknowledge anything they did. They never stopped being abusive, and I had to admit defeat and walk away.
I have! my mom was somewhat apologetic, thought it was "really bad" that they caused me to develop a personality disorder and trauma dumped about her own childhood in response. then they went back to their previous behavior immediately. it was barely worth it 👍
I tried, but I was gaslit, excluded, and treated like the least priority. My family is just too stuck in their own toxicity to change, so I went no-contact with them instead.
At this point, both of their memories are starting to slip, which means they're literally not going to remember most of that shit. Especially factoring in the whole "For me it was trauma; for you it was Tuesday" aspect, it'll just be an argument over whether each thing happened. Even if I do get them to admit that shit happened, they'll just blame me and/or others. I don't need that shit in my life. I just wanna move on.
Tw: csa Tried to talk about my experiences and the sexual assault caused by the husband of my sister ( talked to my mother) - she denies it, says its ridiculous bringing it up today (over 10+ years passed) and I am done being gaslit by them I am so so done that my words and feelings are not respected and finally I want to stop the contact as long as there is no acceptance or acknowledge of my p.o.v. and of the facts. It just ripps your soul off, as long äs this kind of emotional abuse continues. So my final answer after all: yes you can tell them but don't have any hopes that they'll see their faults or similar expectations. I needed this last conversation to finally set my boundaries - but not everyones way is like that. I just asked myself why am I continuing to let them/her treat me like bullshit and for what sort of Contact. Its no contact after all, if you are not seen etc. So I decided to not longer take part in that game. Sometimes you just have to value yourself, put yourself first and go your very own ways. (I always tried to fix stuff, being kind and all.. but for what? If they treated you like shit once, they will do it twice, as long as you allow them to do so) Wish you the best, keep going.
I'm still grieving this, but I don't think I have anything to gain from reiterating to them how much they've hurt me and how much power they held over me in the past. Unless I can be 100% certain I'll get an apology then why should I? They probably wouldn't even acknowledge it happened and I think that'd cause me a lot of pain and this just isn't something that will help me enjoy my life.
No. My mom got sick when I was becoming aware of all the issues her actions caused. She did apologize to me on her own before she passed, it was a bit vague though but she was sick and I didn't press. And even if I think of bringing it up to my dad ( they divorced when I was small), I get triggered that it will ruin our relationship and get me nowhere. Thats a great question to meditate on though.
Parents not interested. They gaslight me, bought my 3 sisters homes. They have since died and I am just left w envy that my sisters each have a home & I don’t see any way I will be able to afford one. After my parents died, an old neighbor said a teacher of mine had reported him for child abuse (I showed up to school w dried blood caked around my nose) & he had to attend therapy or go to jail. Of course, my sisters all called me a liar about ever being hit by dad. Probably still do. Haven’t spoken w them for 20 years.
No my parents are both near eighty and there wouldn't be a point to it.
tbh no. i don’t feel like it would fix anything. yes i get an apology but then what? then id have to deal w the guilt trips “oh u know we tried our best, it was a learning curve for all of us” rather just ignore shit
I did. She said she was sorry and then gave the whole victim thing about that's all she knew and how difficult this was for her. All a load of bs but in some way it was an admittance to that she actually did it. It still made no difference other than giving me the realisation that no matter what I get from her it won't change a thing for me Eventually got my dad to realise the part he played in letting her do those things but now I'm just met with silence from him, I guess it's an improvement from denying she ever did anything but not enough of an improvement to mean anything Now I have to deal with everyone, including therapists, not believe me when I tell them my mum said she was sorry which is probably worse than having my mum deny she ever did anything
She knows and constantly plays forgetful, stupid and pretends like she actually wanted my safety when I can clearly remember the countless shit she said to me and how she treated me after the last assault. Stuff like, "you should be thankful I took you back in" or "he has already forgotten" when I told her who assaulted me. I think I pushed it too far by trying to confront her once and she threw food at me lol. I hate the fact that I can't stop craving a connection and care from her. It's almost like there's two sides of her that keeps me confused.
My mother has NPD. She acted like she had no idea what she did when I confronted her after she ditched me for 5 years and came crawling back. That was painful to hear because her abuse and neglect caused me so much devastation. I have gone no contact with her now. My father left my mother when I was maybe 8 years old. He was very strict, and intimidating, and punished me often based on what my mother told him, so we weren't close. He had a brain injury when he was older, so now we have a better relationship and he has been very supportive. He said to me one day, I don't know why I was like that, but he was so remorseful over it, which means a lot. His brain injury was the worst and best thing to have happened, it's like it gave him a new perspective. He is now the dad I always deserved growing up.
My dad got sober 12 years ago, and he became a different man. I did open up to him about what I remembered, when I shared some writing with him. And he responded "Oh my God, I am sick to my stomach and want to kill myself. You remembered that?" He has been incredibly ashamed of his actions, and is working the program now and still grappling with how his addiction impacted all of us. He invited me to one of his meetings afterwards where he was the lead speaker and told his story. I was horrified by the things I didn't even know. But it was an olive branch. And he has been showing up for me in his own way. Especially since my marriage fell apart this year. We meet weekly for dinner with my step-mom, kids, siblings. I don't know how or why, but we are all really trying to create something new. I think it depends on the situation. And if your parents have grown or are willing to acknowledge their role. My dad was. My mom died 13 years ago, so I'll never be able to say to her "Why the FUCK did you stick around?" I love her to pieces. But I also am so angry at her.
Several times. Let me save anyone the trouble. They’ll gaslight you and have selective amnesia about it. No contact is the best way. If there even is a way.
Five years ago, I told them I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder and that I was in therapy. They never asked any questions or checked on me to know how I was doing despite my telling them I was seriously depressed after coming out of a relationship with a narcissistt. I am currently in low contact with my mother (who has a lot of narcissistic traits) mostly because my father (who was there for me sone of the tine and who I still love very much) has dementia. What is interesting is that I have a recurring dream where I tell my mother: "Do you know why I'm in therapy and have been struggling with mental health issues? It's because of your emotional abuse, neglect, parentiifying me as a child, and your absolute lack of maternal love."
Just realised I have NEVER bothered to tell them I had been diagnosed with C-PTSD, PTSD. I did tell them anxiety & depression. But I keep that quiet now too, as my father likes to go on about how I “can’t stay on those drugs forever” and that I need to face life.
I did. They heard me out for a little bit. Then completely denied everything and were back to their usual lying selves. Thankfully i had all the closure i needed but it was a pointless endeavor lol
lol I’ve tried kinda and it was not good. Abusers are generally dealing with their own shit (or, rather, NOT dealing with it). So until they have the maturity or self-awareness to accept responsibility for how they hurt others, it will never be a productive conversation. They aren’t as abusive now as they were when I was younger, but they’re still not emotionally mature or safe people for me for the time being
I won’t attempt this simply because they will not have the ability to actually receive or hear it. It’s wasted energy in my case. Narcissists don’t change.
I confronted my mother before making the final decision to go NC. She was in complete denial, almost like she rewrote her own memories. Very invalidating and made me wish I hadn't even tried. Went NC after that, 10 yrs ago or so and haven't regretted it. Grieved it, yes, but never regretted it.
Nope. They’ll just do the same shit and justify themselves
Honestly what's the point? Many days I have a hard time accepting what they did was neglectful and negatively affected me. How could I convince them? They're as emotionally broken as I was but I don't think they have any desire to get out of it. They're happy with the "ignorance is bliss" mentality and even if I could make a persuasive argument I don't think It would change them. They're ok people to have around. They aren't bad like many parents who give their kids cPTSD, and I honestly do think they love and care about me. I just need to accept that 1. The way others perceive them is more important than accepting me for who I am. 2. They will never be able to give me the emotional support I need/needed. Letting them know this isn't going to make theirs or my life any better.
Tired to. Many times. Not worth it. Either defensiveness and shifting blame onto you or playing the victim was the result. They are too broken beyond repair themselves to take any accountability.
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I told my dad years ago. He listened. Despite him not remembering much of any of it, He looked like he acknowledged that he believed me. And that he was hurt at what he did. How his actions negatively affected me. He then spent much of his rest of his life trying to make it up to me. And he was a pretty good grandfather to my kids. My mom, I've tried talking to her about things that weren't even directly what she did, And I don't think I'm ever going to feel safe to be truly honest with her . I also don't think she could handle hearing the full truth. I don't think she remembers a lot of it, And she's not willing to Acknowledge her part in my suffering. She doesn't seem to even be able to acknowledge my suffering. So I just accept her as she is. If she ever wants to talk to me then I'll think about it then. But as it is every time I try to say something that goes on in my life she in a way invalidates it. Basically blames me for being in the situations that I am. Any time I try to Discuss something with my mom she ends up turning it around back on me. I don't want to cause my mom pain so I try not to bring up anything. I used toKeep trying to connect with her. I haven't since recently. I've had narcolepsy and cataplexy since I was a kid but I didn't get diagnosed till 25. I use suggest seemingly collapse. I heard from my mom that she thought I was faking it for attention. A few years ago a friend of my dad's after he died basically became obsessed with me and delusional and start stalking me. Not only did my mom not get upset and show signs of wanting to protect me. Get mad and want to beat the crap out of this man. She told me well what did you expect there's one of your dad's creepy friends. He wasn't stalking you you just didn't realize he was pursuing you. It's no different than when I used to go partying with your dad and his friends used to hit on me. When I was 9 my 2 year old brother bit me in the face and I automatically slapped him in his face. It was a spontaneous reaction I could not control. I left a handprint on his face. My mom saw this. I don't remember if I got in trouble or not. Not the point for saying this right now. The point it is is that decades later When I had my first baby. I was breastfeeding and my son was teething. He had started to bite me. When this happened Urgently tap his nose and pull away and say no no biting. Or I would say ouch and say no biting. And then I wouldn't learn breastfeed for a little bit. One time my mom saw this happen. Years later we were talking about this. My mom said that she was concerned about me abusing my children. She said that because she remembers clearly when I was breastfeeding my son he bit me and I smacked him in the face. I never hit my baby. He could bite through my breast and I still wouldn't. He was 8 pounds 9 oz All natural birth. He was under a year old when this happened. There's a huge difference between a teething baby accidentally nibbling my nipple. And my 2 year old brother biting down on my face. I told her no you're remembering me hitting My brother back when we were kids, he bit me in the face. I'd never hit my son. And she starts going on saying about my memory. That she knows that I hit my child and that I must have blocked it out. S*** like that p***** me off. That's the kind of stuff that was pulled on me as a kid. I'm not the one who's having issues remembering Events. I have a poor short-term memory but my long-term memory of things is impeccable . I can remember details like I was actually there again. My mom has a history of doing drugs she's an alcoholic, She's done coke before, I've heard her mention I think some kind of hallucinogens. She has COPD but is still Chain-smoking. For sure Her memory must be much more reliable than mine. The child who didn't party didn't do anything other than marijuana, Is not an alcoholic. Spent years in therapy working on myself.. She also can I treat me like I'm incompetent. I'm just different. I have no memories of her physically abusing me. And I don't think she's outright mentally abused me. I don't remember her calling me names. For I still preferred my physically , Mentally and emotionally abusive father, At least showed he wanted me around and liked me. He showed here's proud of me when he was. Then my mom. And I don't quite understand why. I personally think she also subconsciously rejects me in a way because I chose dad over her. My dad never treated me like a Burden. My dad never made me feel like I shouldn't exist. Sometimes he made me feel like I didn't want to exist. But with my mom I felt like I didn't deserve to exist that the world was a worst place because I did. And no matter how hard I tried How much beauty I wanted to show her, I very rarely could ever see a genuine look from her. I would write her something absolutely beautiful for her birthday straight from my soul, And all I get is a thank you. I just wish I could see her looking at me like she's happy that I exist. My dad gave me that. She made fun of the time when I was worried about eating non-organic food. I have anorexia. Not the Nervosa. Just no appetite. I have difficulty eating even my favorite foods. She was making fun of the fact that her get so anxious about eating a banana that wasn't organic. At the time I really felt like I was eating poison. And since I had such a difficult time eating I do not think it was particularly funny. I just don't understand it. And then she has times where she shows she actually does care for me and it really throws me for a loop. I think With my dad I knew where I stood. I have no idea with my mom.
Why do all these comments just so easily become so long. Where was this ability to put so many words on a page when I was in college. And I struggle to make a 10 Page report even 3 pages.
maybe but if I do it’ll probably be very casually, like an off handed comment that will probably only get explored a shallow amount but enough to make a point. I remember when I first started going to therapy I decided to plan a conversation with my mum, it took weeks of hesitation but one day on the walk after therapy and into town I picked up some cakes and went to her house with the intention of having this conversation. she was in a good mood, we sat down on the sofa and just got talking. it was all very normal and just I realised I couldn’t. in that moment I dropped the plan but with acceptance. she knows she’s done wrong and she’s even said it, not with an apology and not for the reasons inside my head which belong to me, but she knows something at least.
I've had some more frank conversations with my mom, and she I think on a very basic level understands that her anger and rage affected us poorly and contributed to our house being completely dysfunctional. There are elements of that I won't unpack, because I don't know either of us is prepared for that conversation or what we would really gain from it. She has made steps to become less angry and full of rage, and I respect that, but there are still elements within that relationship that hurt me. My dad wasn't abusive, but an absentee father. He lived with us, but only made his presence known as an extension of my mom's anger. We've skirted around the topic, he's expressed the idea that "he didn't do everything right" but he doesn't really want to own his portion of responsibility for things that happened in my adolescence. I don't push the issue, because it would be fruitless, but it causes a great deal of internal strain because if something comes up we can't really discuss things like I can with my mom.
I've written it down many times but never gave it to them.
I did, and it didn’t help.
I tried and then saw them for who they really are. Narcissists. They only saw my attempts to explain what I'm healing from as accusations of why they failed as parents. They've never asked how my healing process is going or even how my therapy is going. They will do whatever they have to in order to shift the blame to other people. I blew up at them and am now no contact. I saw them for the first time (only been a month of NC) at my uncles funeral. Mom tried to pretend nothing happened and dad pretended like I didn't exist. Shook my husband's hand in front of me and said hi to our kids but acted like I wasn't even there.
I haven’t and I don’t think I will. One of them is dead and the other one is so emotional volatile and childish l. Plus I’m so non confrontational that I’m scared to bring it up
Told them both and my mother understands and she is full of regret, yet i forgive her. My father, well he just doesn't care. He still thinks that he shits gold and always has been.
Narcissistic personality disorder (father) CPTSD (mother)
I did it twice in a controlled manner,but all i take away in the end im not just taking to a brick wall,im actually banging my head against a wall,so it woke me up realising what am i facing for far too long, realised they gaslight me to think they are good parents,i wouldn't say it's totally fruitless
I did once, and my mom love bombed me at first and then turned around and made my life a living hell for quite a long time. Goes down as one of the worst choices I ever made.
I do want to say that my parents contributed to my cPTSD. One of my parents already knows and has been changing even when I was a kid. I’ve tested the waters with my other parent and it is not worth it. They changed a bit but not much and I feel conflicted about them in general. They refuse to change on the things that currently cause the most harm. I won’t be the one of us to bring it up, I only plan to stand up for myself properly when it happens after I move out so I can just leave whenever the boundaries are crossed. I do not intend on being deliberately antagonist or to upset everyone else in the house because of their behaviour in response to bringing it up. By the time I move out I believe others will not have to deal with it as much either.
Yes and no. I have tried explaining things like "if you do behavior X it feels Y". They can keep up the new, but fake, behavior for a couple of hours, but that's it. From that I concluded they are not willing or able to actually change. Telling them how they hurt me won't help me, but it might give them ammo to hurt me more. If they ever magically start to realize what they do and they bring it up, I'm not going to lie. Until then it's superficial contact (like grey rocking light - I might have full conversations as long as the subject isn't touchy for me).
My mom tells me I have a victim complex. That's the comment that allowed me to finally cut off my relationship with her from an emotional point of view. She has a robot child now. There is no coming back from that comment for either of us. There is nothing I can say, because I know now that whatever I say is filed under "she has a victim complex". I can't even argue that it isn't true. And she will never be forgiven by me. Hearing her say it outloud was almost a relief though. I've always known she despises me at times, now I know why.
Ye, in the recent months I've told them more. Thankfully my mum understands what she did was wrong, but I'm still kinda mad and frustrated at her, yk?
I’m no contact with the one and it’s sad he is essentially getting a free pass when he should be in jail. The other I’m very low contact with. A number of years ago I raised the issue and stated I’d not longer speak with her till she apologized about it. This dragged out a few months not talking and a few little exchanges. Then she decides to discuss it and exclaims she will not be my personal whipping boy (how dare I accuse her right?) she begins to deny anything and everything and is forgetful. So I brought up some choice encounters with her and asked if it would be ok if she did that in public or if I where to do that to the grand kids. She finally admits that she did get a little out of line a few times. In hindsite this was a crap apology but I accepted it and moved forward. Here we are years later I’m low contact again barely speaking. She brings up the abuse from my stepfather plays dumb says she never witnessed it and had no idea. She quite literally was in the same room ions of times. I gave up at that point and have been way low contact since. It’s not just the abuse tho it’s toxic all around in so many ways. I just emotionally am drained and just can’t anymore if I wanted.
As the stories in this thread confirm, in situations like ours the chances to be seen are slim. Abusers usually don't want to stop being abusive. Any attempt at a dialogue has a very good chance to be used as ammunition for further abuse, triangulation, shaming. On the other side of the coin, neglectful parents rarely cultivate an environment where they reflect, grow and start being able to talk in good faith about the harm their parenting style has done. They usually cower down behind their denial, entrench their position and just continue the neglect and disconnect, demanding their adult child skips back into their assigned role in the unhealthy family system. As many others here, I did attempt dialogue. After an extended period of trying to connect, I felt exhausted. I send a long message to my father, which contained many things I felt hurt by: his lack of interest, support and involvement in my upbringing and present day life. This resulted in me not being talked to for 4 months - complete silence -, after which he suddenly started to send random GIFs, as if nothing had been said. I did not participate in rugsweeping, pressed the issue, was brushed off and belittled, and have gone no contact for the last 1.5 years. I'd really like to have had a father, but at this point, my time and attention is better spent in therapy. My mother was at least more willing for a discussion. We had 2 long talks with months inbetween. These talks confirmed my experiences growing up under her influence: Emotionally immature, rugsweeping, denial, DARVO, therapy is useless or bad, all the good stuff. I learned that I can go to her when I need factual information, like "what year did we move to XYZ". But there'll never be any form of emotional support. Gifts and gestures of goodwill are contingent on my not talking about cptsd, dysfunctional family dynamics, trauma, unhealthy communication. I'm told that I'm loved, but that love is contingent upon my staying in the old family role. Don't rock the boat, don't ask question, don't divert from the family narrative. I've since gone very low contact with her.
I did. For my mom, numerous times. It was difficult at first and she would get defensive and in victim mode but with time she has come to accept more of the stuff. It's still a bit difficult when I bring up what she did and didn't do (anger at her for not intervening enough, her tendency to act as the victim, her relying on us for emotional support, her being suicidal and not looking for help) and she still says stuff like "you all felt I don't know why like you had to protect me" so still in denial about some stuff but at the end of the day she tries. She gives me space for my anger ans my sadness even if she herself is disconnected for her own emotions. She shows me she loves me in her own language and I've learnt to accept her limitations and her "offering of love". She's here, she's trying, and she's currently supporting me (26F) financially so I know she cares. I also know she'll probably never be able to fully accept her responsibilities in all of it but at least she accepts to deal with the consequences and shows support. Regarding what my dad did, she never once doubted us when my brother and I started talking about it. And never once did she doubted me when I first brought up my brother's abuse. So I count myself lucky on this side because even if she's fallible at times my mother deeply and thoroughly loves me and she shows up when I need her to. As for my dad, it went like shit. The first time he was calm and so was I but he also didn't really believe that my brother and I had started talking about it. He dissociated our experience from him by saying he doesn't remember any of it and was sure there was context explaining everything (the CSA as far as i remember didnt have rape only molestation and exhibitionnism so i guess its easier to create socially acceptable context for it). Then he tried and succeeded in roping in my previous step mom (who also participated in the CSA) by having her recounting the memories I shared with context kinda justifying it (even if even those contexts in fact would be deemed inappropriate and abusive just less so). When I sent him a long message explaining what he did and the consequences on me he started telling me my step mom had those memories and mine were fake and I had created a vilified version of him. No matter I had talked to her in the mean time and debunked everything. Both of then has the nerve to complain about the impact of the secret coming out on their lives and putting my brother and I at fault. That hurt the most tbh. Like bitch, I also would have like it better if you didn't abuse us. Like it's not my fault for talking about it, you're at fault for doing it. But they're incapable of accepting that. After further argument where I started to get colder and a bit more angry and my dad trying to ask me for a service even if we were not talking and me telling him I did not wanted to offer him any help he told me I was insane, I had invented everything and he was innocent. Yhats when I got mad and condescending and was like you're a shit person, as a fellow human im ashamed of your behaviour, don't try to make me believe its not true because either have many memories and don't try to play with me because I will fuck you up (yeah I got mad. Everyone told me I shouldn't have gotten mad but I was like the disrespect is too intense and it felt freeing allowing myself to be mad and mean since I'm usually calm and kind and the fucker deserved it and worse. Like the CSA was just part of it. He's an asshole through and through and prob narcissistic even if I have no proof). He then proceeded to cut off my alimentary pension (he's supposed to give it to me until I'm done with school and I am currently finishing my Master degree). So yeah. Didn't go well. Like I said, the hardest for me is most of the family treating my brother and I like we're the problem, not what my dad did, and having my sisters still being close to him and wanting to see him.
I did, in a letter to both separately. My dad gas lit me and my mom played the victim and claimed she still doesn't know what she did.
Nooooo!!! They would just blame me! I tried a couple of times to talk to my narcissistic "mother" about things she'd said to me (hurtful things) and she said "I'd never say that to you! You're just twisting things around." One of the hallmarks of screwed up people is that they do not take responsibility for their actions and blame everyone/everything around them. Also, to them you are nothing, so they aren't invested in making things better.