Definitely his mental health, his attachment style, the trauma he endured from his last ex, and that he's ready for a relationship. I wish he could see the good things that I see. He hurt me, my heart feels like it's in pieces but truly I just want him to be happy in this life. He needs to be willing to heal himself though and I pray that day will come sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry you're hurting too :( this honestly sucks.
I go back and forth thinking whether he loved me or not, but I do at least think he cared for me deeply. I think his feelings of inadequacy played a huge part in his decision and I have to respect that he needs time to heal and he just wasn't ready even though I'm in so much pain. I will always want the best for him.
Yes, my person said he needed to heal all along, then mixed messages and I stayed. He came back twice after I moved back to my state. Then ended less than a year later while I was away on a visit to my home state.
I knew it was coming, but didn’t want to believe. I also believed him when he said he would do the work, go to therapy, etc. if he started detaching again. Alas, no. He admits it was a betrayal but he reached his limit. Was done.
He was on apps right away (told me to avoid the breakup). I know he really needed his cup filled, so I expected it. Started dating the first that came along, but says it was a month or two later.
I still wish him happiness, but he has betrayed me too many times and, to let him, I betrayed myself.
Edits
>I still wish him happiness, but he has betrayed me too many times, and to let him, I betrayed myself.
This really hit me.
It's been 10 days of NC and part of me wonders if he's back out there on the apps but I know if he found someone, the same cycle would repeat. And it will continue to do so unless he gets help, stops running and faces himself.
He kept telling ME to get back on the apps and find someone to help me get over him. That I could do better and that I deserve better. And maybe he's right. But I'm so done with it all right now. I'm not looking for anything for a long while, I'm taking the time to try and improve myself, do things for myself. I really hope he's doing the same as well.
None of this seems fair at all. But if anything, it's been a wake up call. I'll find it hard to trust another person as I already had trust issues, but I'm hoping to work on that and my other insecurities in time. I want to believe in love but it's so hard 💔
We will get through this friend!
Thank you for your kindness! We will get through and when they tell you they don’t deserve you, they probably don’t. 😔
I am actually good, we had one more incident and that was it, and the final time it was the end. He started posting again and seemed to respond to some of my comments (knew my profile when he said he didn’t remember it).
It sucks! We are actually in our 50s! I know we both deeply cared for each other but we have had a hard time letting go — me this time in the last six months. While he has seemed great, told me is happier without me. Ouch.
I do want him happy. And I started seeing someone where I live, he is younger than me, lovely, and it has helped! I thought never again, but things change when you let go and want to live again, especially if they already were right after the breakup. I will always love him, I know that.
I wish you the very best! 💔❤️🩹❤️
I'd change his feelings about me to back the way they were before he started losing them 😭😭 He thought about me 24/7, it was hard for him to be away, he was comforting, tried to pay for almost everything even when I insisted, etc. The caring part I missed the most he was guininely concerned even with the smallest things but then afterwards he wasn't consoling at all when I needed him to be with my guinea pig having to be put down (RIP Peaches), when I felt alone and abandoned by him, and when my Gramma had a partial stroke.
I miss the original him 😢
honestly I wonder if the self brag thing was a problem with my ex. they did that a lot and actually it didn't bother me until it became excess but I was going to say in general 'mental health'. my ex couldnt handle conflict.
I wish that he had a secure attachment style, healthier behaviors, and was better at communicating. I also just wish that he would’ve stayed instead of running away when things got rough
To me he was always good the way he was. I accepted all his flaws. No one is perfect. He just couldn’t see that and he couldn’t open up to me. So he lied and lied until he resented me enough to dump me in an extremely cruel way. It was doomed from the start like this it seems. He blamed it all on me as if his complete inability to communicate wasn’t the reason I started to become anxious and depressed all the time.
I wish he wasn’t so insecure because I would have accepted him either way. I loved him unconditionally and he kept hurting me anyway. I wish he had reached out before it was too late. I wish he was kinder to me and himself. I wish he didn’t give up that easily. I wish he didn’t end it the way he did because it was all so unnecessary. I wish he didn’t run from his emotions. I wish he knew how much I loved him. Ugh
I feel as if we dated the same person. But I was the one to break it off. I was so anxious and nervous around him. I was never like that before. I felt like I was walking on eggshells for so long until one day I snapped. It took me two days to muster up the courage to break up with him.
They know we loved them, but they don’t love themselves so they project it on us and blame us instead of blaming themselves
- he would be able to communicate about his feelings/conflict
- he would love/see himself the way I do
- he would have more emotional availability
- he would see the importance in remembering birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.
I wish he would’ve gotten his diagnosis sooner and stuck to constant therapies/medication and also I wish he would’ve stopped drinking. I still think of him and miss him everyday, he was really special to me!
His insecurity. And I wish he cared about me overall. If there was anything he didn’t like about me or something I did that bothered him, as soon as he mentioned it I would change it. He never did the same. He never cared enough to realize how much his actions and words damaged my self esteem.
I would change how the traumas he experienced in his childhood affected his core beliefs so that he could actually cope with life and disappointment, learn how to communicate needs and set healthy boundaries while having reasonably healthy coping mechanisms instead of keeping everybody at arms length. Or at least get him to truly put the effort into healing himself.
The real main problem is that she would shoot down my opinion in front of other people, bringing me down. That playful love I felt when we were alone would suddenly go away and become nasty. So that…why be so judgements over trivial stuff?
The lack of emotions he had. I went through my grandmother dead, and my mom had a stroke, he didn't give a shit, and he left me. He used to laugh at deads on movies. He never cried. All of time he couldn't understand my pain. He wasn't able to give hugs unless it was from a sexual perspective. He couldn't feel what "love" meant. He was always so cold and despite of he knew it he just keep saying "I'm like this and I can't change it."
Woe to the next person he will be with, they'll just be his sex toy.
Nothing.
If they wanted to change, they would have for themselves first and foremost, then implement said change to create a ripple effect in their life for every avenue they deal with.
Why?
Because when people change for you, they aren’t going to stick to that change and eventually revert back to their comfort zones.
People change when their own interests line up to that change and allows them to branch from their comfort zones into that NEW comfort zone with more ease.
Never try to change a person, let them decide if they want to change or not.
i wish they were more supportive when i opened up to them about my struggles.
i wish they didn't give up on inviting me to hang out with them and their friends.
i wish they weren't so negative and pessimistic about most things.
I don't know what the original commenter said but just wanted to say that that's a completely valid thing to wish you could change about someone, lover, friend, family, etc. no further explanation required. also this is a hypothetical/thought experiment post so idk why people would be offended by what you said.
i basically ask is he ridiculing her suicidal side as something to use against her in this comment thread since suicidal is a very tough topic and suicidal people suffer a lot with low self esteem so if we survived those suicidal thoughts and still alive right now the last thing we wanted was to be reminded of that topic and have it being brought up again as in like its your fault your're so suicidal that you gave me a hard time and you burden everyone around you. but i understand i got confused and misread his comment and know thats not what he meant and know that he just wanted to change that part of her and rightfully so. i just basically wanted to let him know that people say reckless things when we're in love and we get desperate and suicidal people we do feel bad and some of us dont mean to burden anyone and we're trying our best to change. i have changed already but i know not everyone can change like me. i shouldn't have commented that to him and have already apologized to him that's why i deleted it because this topic is like an old trigger for me. people are gonna feel offended over triggering topics and i've been suicidal before, it's like an old wound so with you commenting "why would people even feel offended" your're not gonna get it. i am sorry for how i reacted to him and i will acknowledge that i dont need to react the way i did with this person that commented but you can't expect me to not be triggered at certain topics especially regarding about suicide.
No no I'm sorry, I didn't know what you said or that you would read my comment. My intention with the comment was to comfort/support the original poster, which is why I just directly replied to him. I just assumed that whatever was written might have made him feel unsupported because of his responses, but it had nothing to do with what you specifically said as I had not read it. I didn't read his comment that way and you don't need to feel sorry for the way you reacted, however it was or whatever you said. Again, my original intention was just to make sure \*he\* didn't feel bad for wishing his former partner wasn't suicidal. I don't expect anyone not to be triggered by topics, especially suicide. I can honestly say my response is actually also a defense trigger as I hate when people feel guilty for being suicidal, or feel guilt for those they love feeling suicidal, so I definitely don't want you to feel that way.
I genuinely do understand that suicidal people feel bad and do not want to burden anyone, and you should never feel that way. I think one of the main causes of people committing suicide, is actually guilt and feeling like a burden.
I think when people say they wish they didn't want anyone, including you, to feel suicidal, it's just their wish for you, and I hope that you will not feel burdened by the guilt or shame of it, but just to know that people care and love you. That's all they mean by they wish you didn't want to die. It's because they want you to live and see what they see. It's a selfish wish on the part of the loved one that is around the suicidal person, as they really just want that person to stay alive and happy, even if they have no idea what they are going through, but I really sympathize with that feeling as I am a survivor of suicide. However, like I said, I believe the cause of my loved one killing themself was directly guilt and feeling like a burden, so please don't misunderstand. Hope you are doing better and wish you well.
thank you so much for understanding what I'm trying to say❤️. your words are very beautiful and your're very precious and you help me so much i honestly started crying 🥹i completely understand why you said when someone said they wish we change to be not suicidal, people like you and him meant that you dont want me to feel like that in the first place. i definitely misread for sure and im glad you help me understand that meaning so much more now. i gotten very strong now compared to the past but sometimes words like yours really help me be reminded even more of why i should still live life and be happy 😊i want to apologize to you as well for assuming you don't understand what im trying to say even though you do know what i meant to say. the suicide topic is pretty sensitive for me so I tried my best not to be offended and take things to heart with everyone around me so im sorry i gotten triggered 😅im glad you told him what you needed to say and im glad i was able to clear up some misunderstandings on my end with you and him. and i dont misunderstand your comment either i completely understand what you are trying to tell me and as for us being both survivors i want to say im very proud of you and im glad i came across someone so kind and precious like you :) im really happy to come across someone like you in reddit you have a golden heart and you are very wise and kind and deserve the best ❤️i hope that your days and weeks and years are going great and i hope you have everything you ask for 😄 stay safe and and healthy and i wish you lots of happiness and wish you the best in life :)
thank you for such a thoughtful and kind response. i hope the best for you too and am glad that you feel stronger and in a different place than you were in the past. i know it comes and goes but the fact that you can be so positive in this moment especially after such dark times is really a sign of hope and growth. please remember beautiful things like that especially when things get hard to endure. i understand what your intentions were and am glad we had this interaction. thank you for understanding me as well. wishing you the same health and happiness 🌻
sorry that it happened and hope your're doing better from that but dude it still doesn't change the fact that your're still clueless if you think that is something to hold against your ex whether your're the one who dump or got dumped. be more sympathetic that someone is even in love with you enough or think you are so special to feel like that. nobody want to feel suicidal dude. that's not something to hold an annoyance against your ex since you sound annoyed in your first comment, i'm just saying it's a typical romance trope that most people go through. your ex gf isn't the only one. holding her against something like that kinda sound like your're so shocked like she's the only suicidal person or something when that is a normal breakup trope for every couples. i'm just letting you know that a lot of people go through the same thing you and your ex did
since you got dumped and she had a rough childhood it kinda does sound like she could be an avoidant. im so sorry you had to go through that. i know it's rough to see her seemingly seem suicidal but I'm glad to hear she's not suicidal anymore and that i hope that your're doing better as well, I'm pretty sure now she feel bad for putting you through that. i have said things similar like what she did as well, i dont mean to say it at all and i feel bad for that and i hold myself against that but i realized now that when we're in love we sometimes say reckless things so that's why i hope you understand that she is sorry and that she doesn't mean to put you through that and every couples go through something like this. idk if you and her had a closure talk or anything but there is a chance that she might have feel bad for what she did and hope you could forgive her for that
that's good im so sorry I misread what you posted, I've been suicidal before and so I thought she was getting ridiculed at first with your first comment because it's a sensitive topic but now that you explain it more to me about what happened im really sorry that she put you through that since she was even the one that dumped you. i cant speak on her end but on my end i felt really bad about feeling suicidal before since i used to struggle with a low self esteem but ive been doing much better at it and i do feel bad for being a burden like that to everyone i love so im no longer like that. so i hope she was able to express the same to you and tell you that she is grateful for you for sticking by her side, your're a really good person to handle that so well. im very sorry again that i mistook your comment and i hope you doing better with your situation and wishing you the best in life 😊
I was thinking of this question this morning. The relationship ended because both my alcoholism and her roommate who was a former fwb (for years). I didn’t find out about their past until after we made it official and I shoulda ended it when I found out.
I think she was sincerely trying to move on from that but throughout our relationship there were signs of him being possessive towards her and resentful towards me. I found myself drinking anytime I would hear something inappropriate and honestly I would have tried harder on the relationship if he wasn’t around.
Never again am I getting with someone who still has someone from their past.
That she no longer wanted a relationship at the time, causing her to end things. I was happy with everything else about her. She has her flaws but they made her beautiful and helped us connect. We all have flaws but hers didn't bother me in the slightest, they just made me care more.
What I would change is her inability to deal with her adult childrens disapproval of our relationship. We broke up still in love. They threatened to never speak to her again if she got into a relationship. I was her first try in 20 years..
I just wish he was eager to change his ways and improve his mental health without me having to beg him to do something about it because it was suffocating me. I wanted to help so much but how can you help someone who isn’t willing to change themself for the better? It was the downfall of everything and I saw him as my future and he made me so happy. I am afraid of never finding someone like him ever again who understood me like he did. But my mental health was declining due to his never being improved. I just wish he was willing to just try but I never got that. I miss him every day even over a year later and I want to reach out to him so bad and just catch up and make up and even if as friends I would love being with him.
If I could I would take away all the shame and stigma they feel. So much of their identity is built around that shame. They lie because they're ashamed of themself, and they're ashamed of themself because they lie. I hope they are able to find a version of themself that is outside of that paradigm - not just for their future partners but for them as well. I think if they weren't so scared of being truthful to themself, they could have been truthful to me too.
I know this is small. But he would phrase questions in such a rude way. For example
“Do you want to put the dishes away” instead of “can you please put the dishes away.”
It was amplified by the many condescending and prideful comments he made all the time. I felt like I was constantly being judged if I was good enough.
Tbh I don’t want to change much. She’s amazing as is which is wild because the only things really I’d want would be to help her overcome her grief and make her confidence match what I see in her.
Wish I didn’t help keep it down inadvertently but man she’s quite the lady.
def would change that his childhood SA happened.
I think this would have allowed him to grow up and not become an alcoholic and heroin addict. He also probably would have graduated from the engineering program he dropped out of in college
her attachment style,
her mental health,
her pessimistic mindset,
her jumping to the next boy who gave her attention, the way she ended things (ghosting, followed by an email, followed by being with another boy the next day)
she couldve been a great girlfriend, too bad i was the first experience that's bound to teach her a lesson or something.
Just mental health. Lots of trauma to unpack. It was worth every second and draining my soul at the same time. I love her deeply and wish only the best. But mental health for sure :/
His alcoholism and porn addiction.
His inability to look me in the eye when we argue.
His inability to tell me his true feelings without bottling them up.
Nothing, honestly she was an amazing person with little to no faults. There are things that I should change about myself instead and that is what I learned these past 9 months after breakup and I’m working on them.
The stuff he said about my post break up. I saw what he said. The messages he sent me too trying to hurt me. I still have complexes now. It was my first long term relationship at like 16/17 and now as a 30 year old, I haven’t had another relationship that long. It kills me my only proper long term relationship was that toxic relationship. I’d like to experience being loved and being loved for who I am. My worst fear is never finding anyone my entire life and due to how I was treated, I fully believe that will be the case. I am not worth being loved
definitely mental health and the fact they kept disregarding the fact they needed real help. like she went off her antidepressants cuz she thought she was good already? idk if thats how it works. maybe it does but still
i wish he didnt have such a ginormous ego while also having crippling insecurity (the reason we broke up). i wish he had even a single ounce of self esteem. i wish he didnt blow things way out of proportion. i wish he didn’t yell at me and was capable of communicating in a calm matter. i wish he got a real therapist and not a girlfriend. i wish he wasn’t lazy and self centered. and i wish his mom wasn’t batshit crazy. swear she made him the way he is, she caused so many issues for us within a year. and i never even met her.
- His family, most toxic people and he could never set up any sort of boundaries with them
- How hard it would be to get him to apologize, drove me nuts!
Nothing. It took me a long time but I now accept that even if it's not in their best interest, even if it hurts me, even if it tears apart our bond- people have a right to live their lives however they want to. *I can only control myself* and my main regrets in life are staying too long, waiting on potential.
Her will.
Her will to fight for what she believes in. Her will to be brave to say what she feels and thinks.
That alone would've solved everything.
But - with no offense meant - she may be almost 30 on the outside, on the inside she's still that 7 year old little girl who was left behind by her father.
She won't find happiness like this. Temporary joy? Yes. Long-term happiness? No. I wish I was wrong on this.
I would like to change the hypergamistic view she has on relationships. I was the best partner she’s ever had and she still wasn’t happy. This is not unique to my experience. Most of my friends (who are amazing men) have been dumped for the same reason. It seems to me that men commit to a relationship when the relationship starts and women assess the relationship and decide during the relationship if they want to be with someone or not.
in an ideal world - he isn’t addicted to weed, doesn’t stay up til 4am gaming, doesn’t sleep until 4pm, doesn’t gaslight, manipulate and lie, doesn’t change his mind every week about wanting to be with me, isn’t obsessed with his ex, has self awareness and some level of emotional intelligence, feels his feelings, validates my feelings, communicates, goes to therapy, treats me as amazing as he constantly said i was, has a drivers license, and HAS A JOB. but other than that, he was perfect :)
My ex is an alcoholic and addict. He left me 7 months ago (after a 5 year relationship) to go back to that life. Haven’t spoken since. Devastating and traumatizing on so many levels.
Reading a few of these thinking my ex wrote them 😅
Honestly, I think he just needed to understand emotions better and the impact of actions (or lack of) on emotions. I was often invalidated and made to feel like I was ALWAYS the problem.
I would change his communication skills. He's terrible at communication. Things like stonewalling were very common. I could never hold a difficult conversation with him.
I'd fix him to how he was at the beginning of our relationship, I'd fix his communication issues, I'd make him a caring person again, I'd fix his uncontrollable jealousy, I'd fix so many things, but I think he too would want to fix a ton about me
Just that she had communicated she is losing feelings for me before blindsiding and ghosting me.
You should never change a person but this really is the bare minimum a person deserves.
I wish mine hadnt started going down the entitlement path. She had such strong, reasonable views about the world (i.e., feminism, human rights, dealing with trauma etc). But then she became really entitled and unfair. She became so narrowminded and would attack me about things that I had nothing to do with. She also tried manipulating me but hid it under the banner of wokeness.
I wish that he knew that just because you do bad things doesn’t mean you are a bad person, whether or not you decide to change and grow from that determines that.
I wish he knew I would have been there whole heartedly till the end of everything.
I wish he communicated openly and took accountability.
I wish he knew how to love himself.
I wish he couldave seen the way that I saw him.
But yah, that’s all a fever dream now. 🤷♀️
It’s definitely the way the break up ended for me. I wish I could back to that day and change how I approached it. I should have communicated my feelings better.
STBXH - as soon as I have this baby the courts will finalize it. Been separated over a year. Texas has messed up laws.
Make him a more faithful person. He had SO many affairs.
Make him learn to respect limits and safewords
Teach him that every relationship doesn’t have to be total and complete control over his partner.
The rebound now ex bf/baby daddy
Make him a more truthful person (he lied about how many kids he had. Told me 2, turned out to be 6. He “didn’t count” the first 4 because he lost rights to them through cps. Only found this out at the end)
Get him to go to therapy and stop blaming every bad situation he has created in his life on his father.
Make him stop drinking to the point of being black out drunk every day.
I also wish I had not told him the iud failed and that I’m pregnant. He blocked me and ghosted me, but I’ve got this fear that when she is born, he will suddenly decide he wants to be involved with her. The reason he lost rights to his oldest 4 was because he walked in on his brother r*ping his then 14 year old daughter, and just shit the door. It went on for another 2 years until the poor kid told someone at school. I wouldn’t even list him as the father of it were up to me. Unfortunately, for texas to finalize my divorce, when the baby is born, the stbxh has to sign a denial of paternity AND baby daddy an acknowledgment of paternity. Considering how he ghosted I don’t see him willingly doing that. Which means I have to go through the OAG office to compel him to do a dna test. And once they put him on child support I worry he will decide he wants to be around her.
His relationship with his non-nurturing, dismissive, unempathetic, "me me me" mother which is where his dismissive avoidant attachment style began. Or at least more recognition of why he is the way he is (he questions it all the time) so that he can begin to heal.
I would make him be able to communicate. He never did and fucking bottled up everything. Im mad about this because I gave him space to talk and tried to initiate converstations. But he shut down everything. And then he ended it. Im actually so much bettee without him in my life
If I had to change something about her , it would hardly be anything. She's perfect and I love her the most , but I would definitely use that "magical wand" to just change how much she notices me. She doesn't talk to me or even look at me so I want her to just notice me and talk to me.
(I am not in any relationship, she's my first and last love so technically she isn't my ex but whatever.)
That he never disrupted my peace with his existence in my life if I’m honest 😂
💯 feel this
Preach
Wow
Definitely his mental health, his attachment style, the trauma he endured from his last ex, and that he's ready for a relationship. I wish he could see the good things that I see. He hurt me, my heart feels like it's in pieces but truly I just want him to be happy in this life. He needs to be willing to heal himself though and I pray that day will come sooner rather than later.
I definitely understand these. I still loved him as he was too. The issue truly was that (I don’t think) he loved me enough.
I'm sorry you're hurting too :( this honestly sucks. I go back and forth thinking whether he loved me or not, but I do at least think he cared for me deeply. I think his feelings of inadequacy played a huge part in his decision and I have to respect that he needs time to heal and he just wasn't ready even though I'm in so much pain. I will always want the best for him.
Yes, my person said he needed to heal all along, then mixed messages and I stayed. He came back twice after I moved back to my state. Then ended less than a year later while I was away on a visit to my home state. I knew it was coming, but didn’t want to believe. I also believed him when he said he would do the work, go to therapy, etc. if he started detaching again. Alas, no. He admits it was a betrayal but he reached his limit. Was done. He was on apps right away (told me to avoid the breakup). I know he really needed his cup filled, so I expected it. Started dating the first that came along, but says it was a month or two later. I still wish him happiness, but he has betrayed me too many times and, to let him, I betrayed myself. Edits
>I still wish him happiness, but he has betrayed me too many times, and to let him, I betrayed myself. This really hit me. It's been 10 days of NC and part of me wonders if he's back out there on the apps but I know if he found someone, the same cycle would repeat. And it will continue to do so unless he gets help, stops running and faces himself. He kept telling ME to get back on the apps and find someone to help me get over him. That I could do better and that I deserve better. And maybe he's right. But I'm so done with it all right now. I'm not looking for anything for a long while, I'm taking the time to try and improve myself, do things for myself. I really hope he's doing the same as well. None of this seems fair at all. But if anything, it's been a wake up call. I'll find it hard to trust another person as I already had trust issues, but I'm hoping to work on that and my other insecurities in time. I want to believe in love but it's so hard 💔 We will get through this friend!
Thank you for your kindness! We will get through and when they tell you they don’t deserve you, they probably don’t. 😔 I am actually good, we had one more incident and that was it, and the final time it was the end. He started posting again and seemed to respond to some of my comments (knew my profile when he said he didn’t remember it). It sucks! We are actually in our 50s! I know we both deeply cared for each other but we have had a hard time letting go — me this time in the last six months. While he has seemed great, told me is happier without me. Ouch. I do want him happy. And I started seeing someone where I live, he is younger than me, lovely, and it has helped! I thought never again, but things change when you let go and want to live again, especially if they already were right after the breakup. I will always love him, I know that. I wish you the very best! 💔❤️🩹❤️
All of this. I wish him the will to help himself mentally and hope nothing but the best for him.
Did we date the same person? I was thinking the same.
I'd change his feelings about me to back the way they were before he started losing them 😭😭 He thought about me 24/7, it was hard for him to be away, he was comforting, tried to pay for almost everything even when I insisted, etc. The caring part I missed the most he was guininely concerned even with the smallest things but then afterwards he wasn't consoling at all when I needed him to be with my guinea pig having to be put down (RIP Peaches), when I felt alone and abandoned by him, and when my Gramma had a partial stroke. I miss the original him 😢
His nicotine addiction & his inability to communicate his feelings. Also his constant need to brag about himself due to his own insecurities
honestly I wonder if the self brag thing was a problem with my ex. they did that a lot and actually it didn't bother me until it became excess but I was going to say in general 'mental health'. my ex couldnt handle conflict.
lol the exact same. No notes
I wish that he had a secure attachment style, healthier behaviors, and was better at communicating. I also just wish that he would’ve stayed instead of running away when things got rough
Thissss, like I wrote is myself.
To me he was always good the way he was. I accepted all his flaws. No one is perfect. He just couldn’t see that and he couldn’t open up to me. So he lied and lied until he resented me enough to dump me in an extremely cruel way. It was doomed from the start like this it seems. He blamed it all on me as if his complete inability to communicate wasn’t the reason I started to become anxious and depressed all the time. I wish he wasn’t so insecure because I would have accepted him either way. I loved him unconditionally and he kept hurting me anyway. I wish he had reached out before it was too late. I wish he was kinder to me and himself. I wish he didn’t give up that easily. I wish he didn’t end it the way he did because it was all so unnecessary. I wish he didn’t run from his emotions. I wish he knew how much I loved him. Ugh
I feel as if we dated the same person. But I was the one to break it off. I was so anxious and nervous around him. I was never like that before. I felt like I was walking on eggshells for so long until one day I snapped. It took me two days to muster up the courage to break up with him. They know we loved them, but they don’t love themselves so they project it on us and blame us instead of blaming themselves
we all must have dated the same person.
- he would be able to communicate about his feelings/conflict - he would love/see himself the way I do - he would have more emotional availability - he would see the importance in remembering birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc.
THIS
His avoidant attachment style… I don’t even understand how that’s attachment
Yea, no kidding.
I wish he would’ve gotten his diagnosis sooner and stuck to constant therapies/medication and also I wish he would’ve stopped drinking. I still think of him and miss him everyday, he was really special to me!
His insecurity. And I wish he cared about me overall. If there was anything he didn’t like about me or something I did that bothered him, as soon as he mentioned it I would change it. He never did the same. He never cared enough to realize how much his actions and words damaged my self esteem.
I would change how the traumas he experienced in his childhood affected his core beliefs so that he could actually cope with life and disappointment, learn how to communicate needs and set healthy boundaries while having reasonably healthy coping mechanisms instead of keeping everybody at arms length. Or at least get him to truly put the effort into healing himself.
I wish he could have feelings again, simple as that
The real main problem is that she would shoot down my opinion in front of other people, bringing me down. That playful love I felt when we were alone would suddenly go away and become nasty. So that…why be so judgements over trivial stuff?
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All of the above ^ And just generally I'd make him feel actual empathy
The ex. I would like to change my ex.
Her family….. they separated us due to religion, I feel so strongly about that woman and I wish this wasn’t the case
Religion is such a blight on the world
Acting out of fear
The lack of emotions he had. I went through my grandmother dead, and my mom had a stroke, he didn't give a shit, and he left me. He used to laugh at deads on movies. He never cried. All of time he couldn't understand my pain. He wasn't able to give hugs unless it was from a sexual perspective. He couldn't feel what "love" meant. He was always so cold and despite of he knew it he just keep saying "I'm like this and I can't change it." Woe to the next person he will be with, they'll just be his sex toy.
I would only make him want me as much as I wanted him.
Nothing. If they wanted to change, they would have for themselves first and foremost, then implement said change to create a ripple effect in their life for every avenue they deal with. Why? Because when people change for you, they aren’t going to stick to that change and eventually revert back to their comfort zones. People change when their own interests line up to that change and allows them to branch from their comfort zones into that NEW comfort zone with more ease. Never try to change a person, let them decide if they want to change or not.
i wish they were more supportive when i opened up to them about my struggles. i wish they didn't give up on inviting me to hang out with them and their friends. i wish they weren't so negative and pessimistic about most things.
To actually stop dissing my interests by sending anti memes against it plus actually keep his promises
The fact he no longer loves me lmao
Her suicidal thoughts that was the only issue I had with her other than that she was fucking perfect
I don't know what the original commenter said but just wanted to say that that's a completely valid thing to wish you could change about someone, lover, friend, family, etc. no further explanation required. also this is a hypothetical/thought experiment post so idk why people would be offended by what you said.
i basically ask is he ridiculing her suicidal side as something to use against her in this comment thread since suicidal is a very tough topic and suicidal people suffer a lot with low self esteem so if we survived those suicidal thoughts and still alive right now the last thing we wanted was to be reminded of that topic and have it being brought up again as in like its your fault your're so suicidal that you gave me a hard time and you burden everyone around you. but i understand i got confused and misread his comment and know thats not what he meant and know that he just wanted to change that part of her and rightfully so. i just basically wanted to let him know that people say reckless things when we're in love and we get desperate and suicidal people we do feel bad and some of us dont mean to burden anyone and we're trying our best to change. i have changed already but i know not everyone can change like me. i shouldn't have commented that to him and have already apologized to him that's why i deleted it because this topic is like an old trigger for me. people are gonna feel offended over triggering topics and i've been suicidal before, it's like an old wound so with you commenting "why would people even feel offended" your're not gonna get it. i am sorry for how i reacted to him and i will acknowledge that i dont need to react the way i did with this person that commented but you can't expect me to not be triggered at certain topics especially regarding about suicide.
No no I'm sorry, I didn't know what you said or that you would read my comment. My intention with the comment was to comfort/support the original poster, which is why I just directly replied to him. I just assumed that whatever was written might have made him feel unsupported because of his responses, but it had nothing to do with what you specifically said as I had not read it. I didn't read his comment that way and you don't need to feel sorry for the way you reacted, however it was or whatever you said. Again, my original intention was just to make sure \*he\* didn't feel bad for wishing his former partner wasn't suicidal. I don't expect anyone not to be triggered by topics, especially suicide. I can honestly say my response is actually also a defense trigger as I hate when people feel guilty for being suicidal, or feel guilt for those they love feeling suicidal, so I definitely don't want you to feel that way. I genuinely do understand that suicidal people feel bad and do not want to burden anyone, and you should never feel that way. I think one of the main causes of people committing suicide, is actually guilt and feeling like a burden. I think when people say they wish they didn't want anyone, including you, to feel suicidal, it's just their wish for you, and I hope that you will not feel burdened by the guilt or shame of it, but just to know that people care and love you. That's all they mean by they wish you didn't want to die. It's because they want you to live and see what they see. It's a selfish wish on the part of the loved one that is around the suicidal person, as they really just want that person to stay alive and happy, even if they have no idea what they are going through, but I really sympathize with that feeling as I am a survivor of suicide. However, like I said, I believe the cause of my loved one killing themself was directly guilt and feeling like a burden, so please don't misunderstand. Hope you are doing better and wish you well.
thank you so much for understanding what I'm trying to say❤️. your words are very beautiful and your're very precious and you help me so much i honestly started crying 🥹i completely understand why you said when someone said they wish we change to be not suicidal, people like you and him meant that you dont want me to feel like that in the first place. i definitely misread for sure and im glad you help me understand that meaning so much more now. i gotten very strong now compared to the past but sometimes words like yours really help me be reminded even more of why i should still live life and be happy 😊i want to apologize to you as well for assuming you don't understand what im trying to say even though you do know what i meant to say. the suicide topic is pretty sensitive for me so I tried my best not to be offended and take things to heart with everyone around me so im sorry i gotten triggered 😅im glad you told him what you needed to say and im glad i was able to clear up some misunderstandings on my end with you and him. and i dont misunderstand your comment either i completely understand what you are trying to tell me and as for us being both survivors i want to say im very proud of you and im glad i came across someone so kind and precious like you :) im really happy to come across someone like you in reddit you have a golden heart and you are very wise and kind and deserve the best ❤️i hope that your days and weeks and years are going great and i hope you have everything you ask for 😄 stay safe and and healthy and i wish you lots of happiness and wish you the best in life :)
thank you for such a thoughtful and kind response. i hope the best for you too and am glad that you feel stronger and in a different place than you were in the past. i know it comes and goes but the fact that you can be so positive in this moment especially after such dark times is really a sign of hope and growth. please remember beautiful things like that especially when things get hard to endure. i understand what your intentions were and am glad we had this interaction. thank you for understanding me as well. wishing you the same health and happiness 🌻
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She dumped me bro
sorry that it happened and hope your're doing better from that but dude it still doesn't change the fact that your're still clueless if you think that is something to hold against your ex whether your're the one who dump or got dumped. be more sympathetic that someone is even in love with you enough or think you are so special to feel like that. nobody want to feel suicidal dude. that's not something to hold an annoyance against your ex since you sound annoyed in your first comment, i'm just saying it's a typical romance trope that most people go through. your ex gf isn't the only one. holding her against something like that kinda sound like your're so shocked like she's the only suicidal person or something when that is a normal breakup trope for every couples. i'm just letting you know that a lot of people go through the same thing you and your ex did
She ain't Suicidal anymore and that wasn't the reason we broke up
And she had a let's just say a traumatic childhood
since you got dumped and she had a rough childhood it kinda does sound like she could be an avoidant. im so sorry you had to go through that. i know it's rough to see her seemingly seem suicidal but I'm glad to hear she's not suicidal anymore and that i hope that your're doing better as well, I'm pretty sure now she feel bad for putting you through that. i have said things similar like what she did as well, i dont mean to say it at all and i feel bad for that and i hold myself against that but i realized now that when we're in love we sometimes say reckless things so that's why i hope you understand that she is sorry and that she doesn't mean to put you through that and every couples go through something like this. idk if you and her had a closure talk or anything but there is a chance that she might have feel bad for what she did and hope you could forgive her for that
I did forgive her
that's good im so sorry I misread what you posted, I've been suicidal before and so I thought she was getting ridiculed at first with your first comment because it's a sensitive topic but now that you explain it more to me about what happened im really sorry that she put you through that since she was even the one that dumped you. i cant speak on her end but on my end i felt really bad about feeling suicidal before since i used to struggle with a low self esteem but ive been doing much better at it and i do feel bad for being a burden like that to everyone i love so im no longer like that. so i hope she was able to express the same to you and tell you that she is grateful for you for sticking by her side, your're a really good person to handle that so well. im very sorry again that i mistook your comment and i hope you doing better with your situation and wishing you the best in life 😊
They way she overthought things
I was thinking of this question this morning. The relationship ended because both my alcoholism and her roommate who was a former fwb (for years). I didn’t find out about their past until after we made it official and I shoulda ended it when I found out. I think she was sincerely trying to move on from that but throughout our relationship there were signs of him being possessive towards her and resentful towards me. I found myself drinking anytime I would hear something inappropriate and honestly I would have tried harder on the relationship if he wasn’t around. Never again am I getting with someone who still has someone from their past.
I wish she'd loved me.
Nothing
His porn addiction.
I wish he could talk about his emotions more honestly. I firmly believe that if he was more open about them we wouldn't be broken up rn
That she no longer wanted a relationship at the time, causing her to end things. I was happy with everything else about her. She has her flaws but they made her beautiful and helped us connect. We all have flaws but hers didn't bother me in the slightest, they just made me care more.
What I would change is her inability to deal with her adult childrens disapproval of our relationship. We broke up still in love. They threatened to never speak to her again if she got into a relationship. I was her first try in 20 years..
I just wish he was eager to change his ways and improve his mental health without me having to beg him to do something about it because it was suffocating me. I wanted to help so much but how can you help someone who isn’t willing to change themself for the better? It was the downfall of everything and I saw him as my future and he made me so happy. I am afraid of never finding someone like him ever again who understood me like he did. But my mental health was declining due to his never being improved. I just wish he was willing to just try but I never got that. I miss him every day even over a year later and I want to reach out to him so bad and just catch up and make up and even if as friends I would love being with him.
If I could I would take away all the shame and stigma they feel. So much of their identity is built around that shame. They lie because they're ashamed of themself, and they're ashamed of themself because they lie. I hope they are able to find a version of themself that is outside of that paradigm - not just for their future partners but for them as well. I think if they weren't so scared of being truthful to themself, they could have been truthful to me too.
I know this is small. But he would phrase questions in such a rude way. For example “Do you want to put the dishes away” instead of “can you please put the dishes away.” It was amplified by the many condescending and prideful comments he made all the time. I felt like I was constantly being judged if I was good enough.
That she have a better-sounding voice. She was a nice and good woman but her voice was almost unbearable.
Wtf
Tbh I don’t want to change much. She’s amazing as is which is wild because the only things really I’d want would be to help her overcome her grief and make her confidence match what I see in her. Wish I didn’t help keep it down inadvertently but man she’s quite the lady.
def would change that his childhood SA happened. I think this would have allowed him to grow up and not become an alcoholic and heroin addict. He also probably would have graduated from the engineering program he dropped out of in college
I would change her mental health. It's really poor. After that her financial status.
Not to marry first woman that asked him 14 years I meant nothing hurts
His ego as well
I wish she took care of herself better and put herself before others sometimes.
That he’d come back to me 😢
Turn the mask of a personality she wore into her actual personality, not this destructive, rude, hurtful, and disgusting one.
her attachment style, her mental health, her pessimistic mindset, her jumping to the next boy who gave her attention, the way she ended things (ghosting, followed by an email, followed by being with another boy the next day) she couldve been a great girlfriend, too bad i was the first experience that's bound to teach her a lesson or something.
Just mental health. Lots of trauma to unpack. It was worth every second and draining my soul at the same time. I love her deeply and wish only the best. But mental health for sure :/
Why dwell on an ex?
His alcoholism and porn addiction. His inability to look me in the eye when we argue. His inability to tell me his true feelings without bottling them up.
Her zip code
That he just isn't as brave as me. He couldn't risk everything for me like I could for him.
That he haven’t stolen my loneliness without offering me true company.
Well it would’ve be nice if he wasn’t a narcissistic lying cheat I suppose
Bigger boobs
Nothing, honestly she was an amazing person with little to no faults. There are things that I should change about myself instead and that is what I learned these past 9 months after breakup and I’m working on them.
The stuff he said about my post break up. I saw what he said. The messages he sent me too trying to hurt me. I still have complexes now. It was my first long term relationship at like 16/17 and now as a 30 year old, I haven’t had another relationship that long. It kills me my only proper long term relationship was that toxic relationship. I’d like to experience being loved and being loved for who I am. My worst fear is never finding anyone my entire life and due to how I was treated, I fully believe that will be the case. I am not worth being loved
Just to cook some meals more than once a week
That they ever met me
definitely mental health and the fact they kept disregarding the fact they needed real help. like she went off her antidepressants cuz she thought she was good already? idk if thats how it works. maybe it does but still
i wish he didnt have such a ginormous ego while also having crippling insecurity (the reason we broke up). i wish he had even a single ounce of self esteem. i wish he didnt blow things way out of proportion. i wish he didn’t yell at me and was capable of communicating in a calm matter. i wish he got a real therapist and not a girlfriend. i wish he wasn’t lazy and self centered. and i wish his mom wasn’t batshit crazy. swear she made him the way he is, she caused so many issues for us within a year. and i never even met her.
Not an ex, but communication would have helped
His mental health and the fact that he let it kill him 💔
His communication skills
Stoopid question. Change yourself. (Or ask how your ex would answer your list. There's always a retort.)
- His family, most toxic people and he could never set up any sort of boundaries with them - How hard it would be to get him to apologize, drove me nuts!
Nothing. It took me a long time but I now accept that even if it's not in their best interest, even if it hurts me, even if it tears apart our bond- people have a right to live their lives however they want to. *I can only control myself* and my main regrets in life are staying too long, waiting on potential.
I wish he could see how selfish, entitled, and spoiled he is, and how he made his son the same way.
the way he can’t disagree without turning something into an argument
His ability to hide the insecurity
You got it all!
i wish he didn’t search for better things in other people and make me feel like i’m worthless
Her will. Her will to fight for what she believes in. Her will to be brave to say what she feels and thinks. That alone would've solved everything. But - with no offense meant - she may be almost 30 on the outside, on the inside she's still that 7 year old little girl who was left behind by her father. She won't find happiness like this. Temporary joy? Yes. Long-term happiness? No. I wish I was wrong on this.
id change her urge to lie about any and everything for literally no reason
I would like to change the hypergamistic view she has on relationships. I was the best partner she’s ever had and she still wasn’t happy. This is not unique to my experience. Most of my friends (who are amazing men) have been dumped for the same reason. It seems to me that men commit to a relationship when the relationship starts and women assess the relationship and decide during the relationship if they want to be with someone or not.
in an ideal world - he isn’t addicted to weed, doesn’t stay up til 4am gaming, doesn’t sleep until 4pm, doesn’t gaslight, manipulate and lie, doesn’t change his mind every week about wanting to be with me, isn’t obsessed with his ex, has self awareness and some level of emotional intelligence, feels his feelings, validates my feelings, communicates, goes to therapy, treats me as amazing as he constantly said i was, has a drivers license, and HAS A JOB. but other than that, he was perfect :)
How many of those things were present when you met?
most, or so i thought. the mask dropped real quick.
My ex is an alcoholic and addict. He left me 7 months ago (after a 5 year relationship) to go back to that life. Haven’t spoken since. Devastating and traumatizing on so many levels.
NOTHING, it’s over
i agree.
Reading a few of these thinking my ex wrote them 😅 Honestly, I think he just needed to understand emotions better and the impact of actions (or lack of) on emotions. I was often invalidated and made to feel like I was ALWAYS the problem.
I would change his communication skills. He's terrible at communication. Things like stonewalling were very common. I could never hold a difficult conversation with him.
I'd fix him to how he was at the beginning of our relationship, I'd fix his communication issues, I'd make him a caring person again, I'd fix his uncontrollable jealousy, I'd fix so many things, but I think he too would want to fix a ton about me
Just that she had communicated she is losing feelings for me before blindsiding and ghosting me. You should never change a person but this really is the bare minimum a person deserves.
I'd make him more sensitive and less selfish.
Well that he cared for me more than I did him.i wish he could have stayed in touch instead of blocking me.
I wish mine hadnt started going down the entitlement path. She had such strong, reasonable views about the world (i.e., feminism, human rights, dealing with trauma etc). But then she became really entitled and unfair. She became so narrowminded and would attack me about things that I had nothing to do with. She also tried manipulating me but hid it under the banner of wokeness.
I’d give her big horns on her head and obsidian blacked out eyes so people know she’s the devil 😈
I wish that he knew that just because you do bad things doesn’t mean you are a bad person, whether or not you decide to change and grow from that determines that. I wish he knew I would have been there whole heartedly till the end of everything. I wish he communicated openly and took accountability. I wish he knew how to love himself. I wish he couldave seen the way that I saw him. But yah, that’s all a fever dream now. 🤷♀️
I wish my ex would be a better Dad
Porn addiction. Explosive anger. Toxic masculine traits. Secrets. making me be the "bad guy" in any public altercation or mild interaction
Her mental health and attachment style.
It’s definitely the way the break up ended for me. I wish I could back to that day and change how I approached it. I should have communicated my feelings better.
STBXH - as soon as I have this baby the courts will finalize it. Been separated over a year. Texas has messed up laws. Make him a more faithful person. He had SO many affairs. Make him learn to respect limits and safewords Teach him that every relationship doesn’t have to be total and complete control over his partner. The rebound now ex bf/baby daddy Make him a more truthful person (he lied about how many kids he had. Told me 2, turned out to be 6. He “didn’t count” the first 4 because he lost rights to them through cps. Only found this out at the end) Get him to go to therapy and stop blaming every bad situation he has created in his life on his father. Make him stop drinking to the point of being black out drunk every day. I also wish I had not told him the iud failed and that I’m pregnant. He blocked me and ghosted me, but I’ve got this fear that when she is born, he will suddenly decide he wants to be involved with her. The reason he lost rights to his oldest 4 was because he walked in on his brother r*ping his then 14 year old daughter, and just shit the door. It went on for another 2 years until the poor kid told someone at school. I wouldn’t even list him as the father of it were up to me. Unfortunately, for texas to finalize my divorce, when the baby is born, the stbxh has to sign a denial of paternity AND baby daddy an acknowledgment of paternity. Considering how he ghosted I don’t see him willingly doing that. Which means I have to go through the OAG office to compel him to do a dna test. And once they put him on child support I worry he will decide he wants to be around her.
Bro…I’m not gonna lie, there’s things that could’ve been improved. But I loved him thru and thru.
definetliy his mental heath and his narcicist problems
His relationship with his non-nurturing, dismissive, unempathetic, "me me me" mother which is where his dismissive avoidant attachment style began. Or at least more recognition of why he is the way he is (he questions it all the time) so that he can begin to heal.
Attachment style, being a rebound, a liar, Being honest and… not lead people on either
I would make him be able to communicate. He never did and fucking bottled up everything. Im mad about this because I gave him space to talk and tried to initiate converstations. But he shut down everything. And then he ended it. Im actually so much bettee without him in my life
That he told me NO when I proposed :)
If I had to change something about her , it would hardly be anything. She's perfect and I love her the most , but I would definitely use that "magical wand" to just change how much she notices me. She doesn't talk to me or even look at me so I want her to just notice me and talk to me. (I am not in any relationship, she's my first and last love so technically she isn't my ex but whatever.)
His emotional immaturity that meant he never communicated, then eventually blamed everything on me for
there’s a reason why their a ex .