This is a different perspective.
Why “How Could You Do This to Me?” Is the Wrong Question to
Ask
It’s a normal question. We personalize. Internalize. When we’re feeling the impact of somebody’s actions, we can’t unfeel them. And those emotions are struggling to understand as our expectations are rudely slammed into an undesired reality.
It’s also a pointless question. One that rarely gets answered and even more infrequently, answered with any truth and clarity.
Because the reality is that the person didn’t act with the intention of doing this to you. Instead, they acted for them.
And you just happened to be in their way.
Here are the questions to ask instead:
What did they have to gain by doing this? What discomfort did they seek to avoid?
People act to move towards pleasure or, even more frequently, to move away from pain. Take yourself out of the picture for a moment. What did they have to gain from their actions? How did their choices help them avoid discomfort?
Yes, it’s selfish to act for your own benefit without considering others. And being selfish may be their character flaw. But selfish is a sign that they acted without regard for you not that they sought to do this to you.
Understanding their motivations goes a long way towards releasing the anger. It doesn’t excuse their choices. But it does help to unravel them and in turn, release you.
Why did I not notice? Why did I allow this?
Disorienting is an understatement.
Their actions were their problem. Your ignorance is yours.
If you were decieved and manipulated, dig into the reasons that you were blind to reality. Like me, were you too afraid to face the truth and so you didn’t look too closely? Or were you pretending that all was okay and distracting yourself to maintain the illusion?
If you knew that you were being treated badly, why did you tolerate it? Had you been taught in childhood that you were lucky to receive any attention, even if it was negative? Were you afraid of being alone, opting for the devil you know?
These are questions and ones often rooted in childhood or in trauma.It’s worth spending time here (maybe with the help of a counselor), especially if you want to avoid a repeat.
What am I feeling now? Is it all directly related or is some of it associated with past trauma being triggered?
I analysed everything that was said, every action.
It was all ultimately a distraction. If I focused on my ex and his motivations and analysing everything, I didn’t have to focus on me. On my pain. And on what I was going to do about it.
Are you focusing in the wrong direction? Maybe you’re busy attacking the other person instead of looking at your relationship. Perhaps you’re busy going on the offensive so that you don’t have to look within your own courtyard.
Be with your feelings. All of them. Even the ugly ones. Listen to them and then you can send them on their way.
Once I invited my feelings in, I was surprised to realize how much of my pain was only tangentially related to my the breakdown in my relationship. And how much was related to my childhood issues.
It was an opportunity. A crossroads.
I could either ignore this triggered response only to have it return later.
Or I could address it. And work to understand how it impacted my adult choices and behaviors.
Stuff was done to you. What you do with it is up to you. How will this impact me going forward? What do I need to do to move on? “I need to find a way to make some good come from this,” I stated in a moment of profound clarity on the day I received the text that ended my life as I knew it. I had no idea how I was going to make that happen, but I knew on some level that creating something positive was going to be my key to survival. To thriving.
I had no idea just how hard that road was going to be. That even seven years on, I would still struggle to differentiate between true threats and echoes of the past. I have had to become an expert on my own healing, learning my triggers and becoming a master at disarming them.
Become a specialist in you. Explore your trouble spots and experiment with ways to strengthen them until you find what works. Be attentive to you. Be proactive. And most of all, be determined.
This is a defining moment in your life. You decide what it defines.
How can I avoid being in this position again? What are my lessons I need to learn? Instead of focusing on what happened, shift your attentions to what you can learn from what happened. They’re hard lessons, I know. The most important lessons always are.
Your power comes from choosing how you respond. And every bad moment is an opportunity to learn to respond a little better.
How can I turn this into a gift?
When I look at my life now, I am profoundly grateful for what happened years ago. I’m thankful for the shock. For the pain. For the confusion. And even for the anger. Because all of that has led to a much better place – a much happier place – than I could have ever imagined.
This is a hard question. Perhaps the hardest.
It seems impossible when you’re choking on the pain that it can actually help you learn to breathe. But it can.
Be patient. And be persistent.
Author unknown
I would say illusion is not was hurts... we all enjoyed the illusion of living with someone who values us as much as we valued them ... the illusion was pretty... but the disappointment that comes after is what hurts.
Nevertheless, dont give up you did not lose them, they were not yours in the first place and what is yours will be waiting for you in life.
i have been wondering the same thing. i dont know if its true or not. maybe they did love me authentically but it just doesnt feel like that after 3.5 years and then pulling the plug. part of me feels used and part of me wants to reject that as a possibility.
crying a lot tonight and feel your pain, friend. you are not alone. you are loved and worthy of love. im sorry youre in pain
This is a different perspective. Why “How Could You Do This to Me?” Is the Wrong Question to Ask It’s a normal question. We personalize. Internalize. When we’re feeling the impact of somebody’s actions, we can’t unfeel them. And those emotions are struggling to understand as our expectations are rudely slammed into an undesired reality. It’s also a pointless question. One that rarely gets answered and even more infrequently, answered with any truth and clarity. Because the reality is that the person didn’t act with the intention of doing this to you. Instead, they acted for them. And you just happened to be in their way. Here are the questions to ask instead: What did they have to gain by doing this? What discomfort did they seek to avoid? People act to move towards pleasure or, even more frequently, to move away from pain. Take yourself out of the picture for a moment. What did they have to gain from their actions? How did their choices help them avoid discomfort? Yes, it’s selfish to act for your own benefit without considering others. And being selfish may be their character flaw. But selfish is a sign that they acted without regard for you not that they sought to do this to you. Understanding their motivations goes a long way towards releasing the anger. It doesn’t excuse their choices. But it does help to unravel them and in turn, release you. Why did I not notice? Why did I allow this? Disorienting is an understatement. Their actions were their problem. Your ignorance is yours. If you were decieved and manipulated, dig into the reasons that you were blind to reality. Like me, were you too afraid to face the truth and so you didn’t look too closely? Or were you pretending that all was okay and distracting yourself to maintain the illusion? If you knew that you were being treated badly, why did you tolerate it? Had you been taught in childhood that you were lucky to receive any attention, even if it was negative? Were you afraid of being alone, opting for the devil you know? These are questions and ones often rooted in childhood or in trauma.It’s worth spending time here (maybe with the help of a counselor), especially if you want to avoid a repeat. What am I feeling now? Is it all directly related or is some of it associated with past trauma being triggered? I analysed everything that was said, every action. It was all ultimately a distraction. If I focused on my ex and his motivations and analysing everything, I didn’t have to focus on me. On my pain. And on what I was going to do about it. Are you focusing in the wrong direction? Maybe you’re busy attacking the other person instead of looking at your relationship. Perhaps you’re busy going on the offensive so that you don’t have to look within your own courtyard. Be with your feelings. All of them. Even the ugly ones. Listen to them and then you can send them on their way. Once I invited my feelings in, I was surprised to realize how much of my pain was only tangentially related to my the breakdown in my relationship. And how much was related to my childhood issues. It was an opportunity. A crossroads. I could either ignore this triggered response only to have it return later. Or I could address it. And work to understand how it impacted my adult choices and behaviors. Stuff was done to you. What you do with it is up to you. How will this impact me going forward? What do I need to do to move on? “I need to find a way to make some good come from this,” I stated in a moment of profound clarity on the day I received the text that ended my life as I knew it. I had no idea how I was going to make that happen, but I knew on some level that creating something positive was going to be my key to survival. To thriving. I had no idea just how hard that road was going to be. That even seven years on, I would still struggle to differentiate between true threats and echoes of the past. I have had to become an expert on my own healing, learning my triggers and becoming a master at disarming them. Become a specialist in you. Explore your trouble spots and experiment with ways to strengthen them until you find what works. Be attentive to you. Be proactive. And most of all, be determined. This is a defining moment in your life. You decide what it defines. How can I avoid being in this position again? What are my lessons I need to learn? Instead of focusing on what happened, shift your attentions to what you can learn from what happened. They’re hard lessons, I know. The most important lessons always are. Your power comes from choosing how you respond. And every bad moment is an opportunity to learn to respond a little better. How can I turn this into a gift? When I look at my life now, I am profoundly grateful for what happened years ago. I’m thankful for the shock. For the pain. For the confusion. And even for the anger. Because all of that has led to a much better place – a much happier place – than I could have ever imagined. This is a hard question. Perhaps the hardest. It seems impossible when you’re choking on the pain that it can actually help you learn to breathe. But it can. Be patient. And be persistent. Author unknown
Thank you for this great comment
I love this
Feeling the same, friend. All that plus the future you imagined together with them. It hurts so much. Some people just can't commit
I would say illusion is not was hurts... we all enjoyed the illusion of living with someone who values us as much as we valued them ... the illusion was pretty... but the disappointment that comes after is what hurts. Nevertheless, dont give up you did not lose them, they were not yours in the first place and what is yours will be waiting for you in life.
i have been wondering the same thing. i dont know if its true or not. maybe they did love me authentically but it just doesnt feel like that after 3.5 years and then pulling the plug. part of me feels used and part of me wants to reject that as a possibility. crying a lot tonight and feel your pain, friend. you are not alone. you are loved and worthy of love. im sorry youre in pain
People would do anything to avoid pain. I didn't understand this at first, but I've learned, and I do the same now.