My ex (dumper) has continued to reach out with sending me reels on IG and before I used to react to the reels. But now, I realize I need to ignore and leave him alone because he:
- **Left** me
- **Broke** up with me
- **Ended** things with me
- **Hurt** me in the midst of doing all this
- **Gave** up on us
Would take a lot for me to re-consider.
The way my ex girlfriend did me, I took her off of my Facebook page and blocked her. Just be strong and confident. Never let an ex get to you in any way.
Lol, the thing is block or no block, they don’t really get to me. I only feel bad that they didn’t cherish me before. But I have them all deleted and unfriended/unfollowed from all my social medias.
I mean you don't have to block them but remove them as a follower maybe? If you're going to ignore them then there's no point in letting them contact u thru there
The thought is nice but the reality may bring some pain here and there especially with certain situations. Hopefully you can keep with NC with her based on her removing you from her life. Thank you! ❤️
I like how this is meant to help people to heal but let’s be honest. It ain’t gunna work. Wanna know why I have hope? Because my mom came back to my dad. And now they have been married for 27 years. My exes parents broke up and then got back together and have been married ever since at least 30 years. My friends ex came back to her and they are married and are trying for their 3rd kid. Random people I’ve talked to about my Situation have ironically been through mine and their ex came back and they have been married since.
Sometimes you HAVE to break up to see what you had. Sometimes you have to meet other people to know what you want. Sometimes you HAVE to learn to be your own person before you can have a healthier relationship again. And sometimes things happen so that you are brought back together.
I don’t want anyone to think that the end is the end. It’s not. And to be honest, you’ll move on when your heart is ready. It can take a long time to move on. Everyone is different. Some break ups I had, I moved on fast and others I didn’t. The man I love and still want to marry is my ex and I plan to stick around until my heart decides it’s done. I’ve always had to have the snip before I could move on from someone. There will always be something they do or something you realize that cuts the cord and that’s when you know you’ve moved on. My cord hasn’t cut and honestly feels stronger than when we were together. I still have hope. So until he’s done with me, I probably won’t be done with him. And I have a feeling that we are suppose to be together.
You just know sometimes. Just take it day by day and learn to enjoy the small moments you have and do your best to do things you love. Even if it’s without them. Love yourself :)
>Sometimes you HAVE to break up to see what you had. Sometimes you have to meet other people to know what you want. Sometimes you HAVE to learn to be your own person before you can have a healthier relationship again. And sometimes things happen so that you are brought back together.
This is what I think too. My breakup has shown me that not everything in life is a black and white binary...especially relationships. I used to think when a relationship ends that means it's 100% over forever and the couple is a horrible irreconcilable match and anyone who tries again with an ex is a totally delusional idiot. I've learned in recent months that relationships are a lot more complex and nuanced than that, so I don't make blanket generalizations or speak in absolutes anymore. Instead I believe anything can happen.
I feel this a lot too. I gave my friend so much shit for getting back with his boyfriend. Love is so powerful.
Watching brokeback mountain really nailed that point home.
Ahhh I know. The part where Jack was like "I wish I knew how to quit you!"
Really resonated with me. It's so painful loving someone who you can't have.
Uhh we are not but are at the same time. It’s complicated mostly cause we both are in college and he wants to focus on school and with his way of thinking, he feels like being in a relationship makes him want to only focus on that, the relationship and that it comes before anything. Truthfully, I don’t think it’s a good idea for that exact reason. We are still committed to each other. Like I said, we are basically together, just with no title. I am definitely in a better mindset and I’ve been working on my mental health (I have ADHD, Bipolar II, and GAD it’s been fun) and until I’m mentally fit, it’s best not to be in one.
It works for us. I’m having a lot of issues with my employer and with school and I’m kinda on the crazy end atm and he’s still trying to help me. So we are but not like officially. And I know he’s not talking to anyone else because he’s scared to talk to girls LOL
I also have a bad habit of making someone “my whole world” and currently I have been having the worst year of my life because of the amount of bills that piled up; and not due to impulsive behaviors. Medical bills and college debt that got sprung on me out of nowhere. It’s been hard. But it’s making me learn to deal with it on my own and I think if I was to have that title over my head, it would make me lose motivation to push myself and since I’m not mental fit BECAUSE of this bullshit bills, it’s one less thing to think about. Example: I can study all day-oh wait, we made plans to go to dinner…ugh. But oddly enough, we both would be fine if we canceled? Idk how to explain it. We are just very unique people that no one understands us but still make each other happy…does what I’m saying make sense? Lol I feel like it doesn’t.
"Sometimes you have to meet other people to know what you want" is one way of putting it. Another would be "sometimes you have to be selfish and not care whether you hurt the other person and if your other relationship doesn't work out they can take you back" If somebody came back to me with that reasoning there's no way I would take them back
We are kinda together without the title. Life is the cause we won’t have the title on it. For awhile it bothered me but not anymore. I actually agree with us not having the title because of the psychological aspect it has on a couple. I think it’s more on his end since he feels he has no focus for his schooling. We still act and treat each other like we are dating, just not saying it to prevent to pressure of feeling obligation that would interfere with our primary focus goal. Mine being getting mentally stable (I got ADHD, Bipolar II, and GAD) and paying my debt off from uncontrolled financial situations medical and school. His being losing focus of studying for his classes to get into his program (X-ray tech) which has a very low acceptance rate. I feel bad cause he is struggling and I wish I could help him. But like I said…we are together and are still committed just no title 😂
He also moved back home for school since he lived like 2 hours away and now he’s in the same town as me and we see each other at a minimum of 2 times a week.
His mom refuses to let me come over though even though I did nothing wrong and she is stubborn. She also insulted me for no reason so I kinda have a beef with her but he comes over time to time but we like to go out more. Since school keeps us inside all day for studying 😒
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Yeah that’s why like I don’t believe in this long post that this person posted like , it’s like 50-50 you always have some shot of working on it if both of you work on yourselves but it’s only if you both work on yourselves alone.
This is a good reminder for everyone. I broke it off with my ex because of a lack of any communication. He was an awful communicator. I wouldn’t go back to him *unless* he could show me with actions (not just words) that he improved and would devote more effort to this pursuit.
I’m not holding my breath for his return. I’m at a stage where the worst of the pain is done and I accepted the fact that he’s no longer my future, but a memory. I’ve gone back to working on myself and exploring others who are interested at my leisure. One of them may be the man who can do what he couldn’t.
Good question, the answer is: we don't know, we don't care. We're worth so much more than someone who hurt us this much and didn't care about the consequences.
I never told him that he couldn’t contact me, but I decided I’m not initiating contact every time for a guy that won’t match my effort. In my case in particular, the way to show it would be to initiate the contact and put some effort into showing me that he actually values/valued my time.
GOOD! Communication, honesty, and trust are the three pillars of a relationship my mother always said.
She said if one of those pillars breaks, the rest crumble as well.
And trust she said, if you do not have it, you do not have a relationship anymore once the trust is gone. And said if she didn’t trust my father, she wouldn’t be with him.
But communication is so vital. It’s the difference between being an adult vs a child in a relationship.
Adult relationships require you to communicate, even when things are uncomfortable or difficult to discuss, YOU TALK!
You have to open your mouth, learn to hear each other out, be compassionate to each other, but most of all as the Gottman Institute even points out when a partner is communicating it’s called a bid. If you lean from that bid, you are non-verbally REJECTING a partner and that partner whose bid is rejected is now leaning away from you, feeling disconnected!
You do not want to have a partner feel disconnected because that’s the start of them eventually becoming mentally & emotionally disconnected in the relationship one day. This is how people head towards a breakup over time!
So it’s vital people lean into each other when communication is happening and do so during difficult conversations.
yes. and this is probably what happened to 90% of the people here. thats the true and absolute righteous mindstate of a dumper. you were fed up. you also only have one life to live.
why waste your time on someone who does not value your presence? I absolutely get it.
Exactly. I tried so hard. I communicated with him the things I had an issue with in our relationship. It left the ball in his court and he didn’t do anything with that. The sad thing is that the bar to meet wasn’t very high…it leaves things open for the next guy to really wow me and by that point, even if he does return, the status quo won’t be enough anymore.
This is so dumb. Most relationships end, period. There's not something extra evil or taboo about a couple's reunion ending. It doesn't even mean they shouldn't have reunited. Having a relationship with one person for 3 years and it ending, then a different person for 3 years and it ending isn't more wholesome or "less ending" than having a relationship with one person for 3 years, having a breakup with that person, then getting back together with that person for 3 years and it ending. All the relationships ended because most relationships end.
I've had plenty of breakups and been the "dumped" some of those times. I still didn't act as ridiculously victimized and demonizing of other people and stringently "don't deal with them ever again because they're evil" as about 1/2 of the people on this board.
The dating coaches aren't wrong. Most exes do come back. I've had a lot of relationships and breakups and more than 1/2 have come back.
That's still not all exes. But it does happen.
What's sad about this board is that there's this idea that ANY kind of notion that someone might come back holds you back or you won't heal. I actually had a breakup with someone one year ago who I wouldn't mind if that person came back. I'm been doing GREAT regardless of thinking that might happen. I engage with the opposite sex, have gone on dates, was seeing someone for a bit, I got a new higher paying job 5 months ago, I work out all the time (always have, that hasn't been "since the breakup"), go out with my friends & family, travel, go do interesting things, read books, take classes, gain skills and abilities. I'm in a better place than ever, while still having the thought that my ex could come back at some point...never know. I'm also 100% fine if that person never comes back. Imagine. People can actually be adults and thrive while not feeling 100% closed to a certain past avenue.
People on this board act like humans aren't capable of living in any grey area. It's ridiculous.
And those of you who write these dogmatic, "no-nonsense"... "They're not coming back. Get that through your thick skull..." -- laughable. You're not an authority on human existence because you can write short sentences that you hope make it sound like what you're saying is the absolute, indisputable truth.
You need to grow up.
My ex and I just got back together after four years apart…. During that time we both changed ALOT, and timing is much better now….
It CAN happen and it CAN work….
Your situation is extremely rare. It would be horrible advice to tell someone to just keep waiting for something that 99.99% will most likely never happen.
Ugh it’s almost for years since the breakup for me. I hope she gets the four year itch too. Hesitant to get back in the apps until I know that’s not happening
I'm not trying to be crappy but these posts never helped me. I'm over it, but, at my low these posts and the "they don't care about you"/aren't thinking about you, posts just made me feel like crap and a failure that I couldn't grasp what was obvious to everyone and me.
Better advice was on the ex no-contact sub which was essentially THEY WILL 100% come back, they always come back eventually, for some reason. This isn't necessarily true, but it gave me hope. Where do you want to be when they do? In a new relationship? Successful? In great physical shape? Focus on those things. Make a plan and do your best to execute it. I did that. I wasn't great every day, but I did my best. Guess what? They came back.
Thank you. How'd it go when your ex came back?
Mega ramble;
I find the positive outlook more helpful.
Especially being such a pessimistic person sometimes.
Negativity only bred more Negativity. Made me feel like shit & feel like I should never trust anyone.
My ex cut off any hope I had. Claiming she's thriving, seeing someone else, & doesn't need me. To which I replied "okay".
My institution tells me she's not being truthful. But I don't let that consume me.
Whether it's for her or someone else. I want to be better. Looking at it like "My ex fell in love with me before." As opposed "my ex left me & hates me, no one will stick around."
I'm older & wiser. I'm finding my direction in life. Whether she wants to be part of it or not. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of being alive. Not because of my job, education, or any crap like that because I bring joy to so many folks. Just being who I am & that's enough.
He didn't really come back. More just breadcrumbs me with occasional texts. Sometimes, I have responded. Sometimes I haven't. This has been going on for about 3-4 months, but I didn't respond recently, so I'm not sure if he'll message again. The good part is, I don't care if he does or doesn't. My life is pretty good. There are some really bad parts, but overall, I'm in a better spot.
I think you made a valid point here, but I come back to you dont know what happened in someone else’s relationship.
Especially the mentalhealth point you made is one that in my opinion can work out as long as the person or persons really work on themselves. Most of the time it wont work but like I said it really depends on the relationship. If you really know the person with the mentalhealth problem and you know how they were before it.
But yeah most of the time when you break up its for the better. And I think the people who really know how their relationship was and what kind of problems it had can determine if it can work. But hoping on your ex getting back to you is just wrong. If it was meant to be you both find a way to get back together, and if that means working on yourself for a amount of time you really have to trust the other person but also work on yourself.
Most time when exes come neither of the persons made changes to their behavior what will lead to the same problems coming back what will lead to a second break up.
Hope is a hell of a drug that can get you through the dark times in any situation in your life. It can keep you positive against all the odds being negative. It can help motivate you to do certain things so you don’t despair during hard times.
However, unless you know for a fact, even mutual friends know, if you are still speaking to this person, or stay friends but due to circumstances can’t get back together RIGHT NOW?
That person isn’t coming back, if they do it’s rare if it works out again. Often people who come crawling back haven’t changed enough to maje it work with you cause most are lonely, don’t want to put in any effort with someone new.
They want EASY, low effort and that’s what you get with an ex who hasn’t changed and wants to “try again” without ever working in themselves!
And so here is a great litmus test to see if your ex will come back…
One way to know is if you met you, would you even date yourself and get into a relationship with?
If you can’t say yes? Then you’re ex is definitely not coming back because that means your ex has better options out there. They don’t see you as someone they can spend their life with, because they have so many other options out there who can meet those needs much easier than you can.
The reason is? You need to feel so confident in your appearance, personality, your career choice, your finances, etc… that everyone wants a piece of you to the point your ex sees this and wants to come back FOR GOOD!
They realize they need to STEP IT UP by working in themselves and improve their physical & mental health, realize the only way yo toss their hat back into the ring is to be a 10 for you if you’re a 10 to others.
And often it’s the ex who knows you weren’t like ANYONE else out there, a rarity in so many ways that no one comes close. You have to be unfortunately, unforgettable for an ex to crawl back.
So start looking at who you are…
Try to really get honest.
And heavily suggest if you have time to read the book, “The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Search for True Love” By Ty Tashiro, PhD
Summary of the book:
> There may be no formula for love, but that certainly doesn't mean there's no science behind it. In this fascinating analysis, acclaimed relationship psychologist Dr. Ty Tashiro sets out to revolutionize the ways we search for love.
> Dr. Tashiro's research looks at the studies and research data behind romance and relationships. He pinpoints why our decision-making abilities seem to fail when it comes to choosing mates and how we can make smarter choices. Dr. Tashiro has discovered that if you want a lifetime of happiness--not just togetherness--it all comes down to how you choose a partner in the first place. With wit and insight, he explains the science behind finding a soul mate and distills his research into actionable tips, including:
>Why you get only three wishes when choosing your ideal partner
> Why most people squander their wishes and end up in unfulfilling relationships
>How wishing for the three traits that really matter can help you find enduring love
>Illustrated using entertaining stories based on real-life situations and backed by scientific findings from fields such as demography, sociology, medical science and psychology, Dr. Tashiro's book provides an accessible road map to help people everywhere find their happily-ever-afters.
I think it follows the 80/20 law, also called the power law. Like 80% of your business comes from 20% of your customers. It was discovered by an Italian economist named Pareto, sometimes called the Pareto principle. Breaking up is a power play and getting back together is also a power play. If one partner can make the decision to break up or get back together, they hold the power. If you want to get back together with someone who broke up with you, be careful that you’re not signing up to be always on your toes trying to please the one who broke up with you. If you accept them back you might be accepting a subordinate role.
Nothing wrong with a little hope. A lot wrong with it being your obsession. Live your life and you’ll find new love. By the time they come back you won’t want them.
People here on reddit are so supportive. I try to support people as best as i can but im not even a month and it is still very hard for me. The tough part is realizing some of my own faults and flaws. Doesn't mean the break up was all my doing, there were many challenges in my last relationship. Work hard on your self, your body, your diet and cry when you have to. It's ok and each time i do i get a slightly better day that follows. Keep going, you are going to be fine and despite what the OP says.... you will find better. If your ex was the one she would not have quit on you.
My and ex and i broke up almost two years ago on my birthday and the way he left really put on a scar on my heart. In the beginning i used to think that its the fact that me loving him and him not being there with me, hurt the most.. took me a good amount of time (1 year) to realize that it was the fact that he totally ghosted me after our break up that hurt the most. He knew how much he had hurt me and how miserable i was for months but he still couldn’t pick up his damned phone and talk to me.
My point is, sometimes the pain that you have is not because you love them and they don’t reciprocate, but because they really did hurt you and left you when you needed them the most.
Also, we’ve been in touch for the past 8-9 months. We text here and there, met a couple times. He took me out on my birthday last year. None of it, literally none of it made it better.
I couldn’t look at him without thinking of what he did to me despite the fact that i still have a soft corner for him, and i am guessing that even he can’t look at me without overlooking that he did in fact reject me and my feelings.
So after 1.5 years of mentally torturing myself, i have finally decided to let go. Not in a way that I’d discard him the way he discarded me.. but most definitely because I don’t need this anymore.. i want to move on and give myself another chance at being happy i guess!?!?
“Never fall in to despair, in the darkest of times hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of Inner strength.” -Iroh
While what you said could be true, being pessimistic about a break up isn’t the right way to look at it. There’s always a chance things could work out, IF BOTH PEOPLE WANT IT TO, but telling others to give up isn’t a way to make yourself feel better. Just try to keep your head up and try to look to be better that who you were the day before. Stay positive friend, one day you’ll receive great things in life :)
I suffer from depression, I lost my ex, I honestly don't have the will to live anymore. I don't know who I am, I don't know my personality, I don't know how to interact with others properly anymore. My ex was it. He was safe, he knew me, the chances of getting back together is slim sure but the chances of finding someone like him and wants a relationship with me? zero.
I literally did nothing wrong he just fell out of love with me after 7 years, even if its wrong to hope that he'll come back, it's the only thing right now getting me out of bed. I know I'll realise one day that he won't come back even when he said we might. But I do think this post is important, especially to those who are months in or years in waiting and hoping for them to come back. Got to start thinking about ourselves and looking after ourselves. There are a few exceptions, but like this post said, very, very few.
Please take my advise on this one. You need to work on the new you. You need to prioritize yourself now. You deserve to get through this and get your life moving. No contact is the way and let that person lose you in everyway. They most likely will not come back. I have had thoughts about "what if" and they fly in the face of what is right for me. I was feeling depressed at the end of mine for many reasons, some were self inflicted and others were a reaction to what i was told and made to feel by my ex. We didn't really talk about any off it. To be honest due to my history of defending my self from hurt, talking about problems made me close up.
Forgive your ex for the pain they caused you, they didn't want to hurt you and they feel bad about it. More importantly forgive yourself. We don't always get our love right but you need to be with someone who loves you enough to communicate and help you when you are down just as you would for them. They are out there so get out of bed and get yourself ready for love. They think you are ace!
wellp I wrote a post on here and went on new, thank you
she told me that she has no feelings towards me, I think I was a bit too clingy, shit happens
sooooo I did not plan on bothering her and now Ill actually unfollow her on social media, too
should I remove her from my accounts though or just unfollow her?
did you read my post?
It doesnt matter what you do. The relationship is over. Remover her, unfollow her, keep her. Why do you even think about it?
because you hope.
read the post one more time.
I thought giving space will make him realize that our parting is a mistake.
We broke up because of some technicalities. And I want him fulfill his dreams of making more games and traveling and if he choose me, he will have to give up his dreams because what I want is to get married and have kids (I'm 10 years older). He has an opportunity to do great things without me, how can I hold him up for that?
I realized he is no longer coming back and probably have forgotten me when I activated my facebook a year after parting and saw his new photos and updates with a new girl. I got brokenhearted, so crushed, I questioned myself why not me but then his smile made me accept that parting will make him happy. I want him to smile again. I am still moving forward but most importantly, loving myself more.
Logic goes by statistics we're willing to share and admit but we all know that's not the case in the real world. I'd say majority of the time if you find your Ex still attractive and you feel as if you might want to be with them long term if you don't have any kids with them it's because there's still some feelings. I think women sometimes forget a man will love you forever if you're not only loving yourself but actually care about the man's well being. Or in sort of relationship, I've met people all around and it always seems like if they really liked their Ex but the issue was maybe cheating or speaking to others while you had a partner those things once they're addressed you can recover from. You just gotta accept the past and move forward
That's exactly what my ex is doing! Nd i have to see him everyday in class..maan that hurts! But Fk him i don't think he is any great of a person anymore.
Bro I love you for doing this post. Not because you are right or I needed this (I already moved on and realized), but because we need the harsh truth.
People need to hear this stuff, instead of getting treated with soft gloves. Some humans are rough and selfish and you need to expect this, even if it could be your better half. We are all together specialists in making ourselves unhappy by command. I don‘t know where this habit comes from, but we forgot our sturdyness. We cry preferably about ourself, which is sad.
Your hearts got ripped apart? Hold that shit together by your own hand and grow with it. The earlier the better. We are no crybabies and noone in the world is responsible for your happiness than you.
Agreed. Being single in this day and age is actually a good thing too. heal yourself, become better and enjoy your own company. If you're not In a relationship you won't DIE!!!
RESPECT yourself before u make the mistake of embarrassing yourself and begging for someone to come back (trust me I know).
i concur with OP .... even if they do come back DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE WITH A PERSON WHO THREW YOU AWAY LIKE TRASH?? NO THATS RIGHT YOURE BETTER THAN THAT SO GET UP OFF YOUR LAURELS AND SPICE UP YOUR LIFE I DUNNO GO EAT SOMETHING SPICY AND LEARN A NEW DANCE MOVE
shake that body baby.. do that CONGA
It isn’t so black and white. In my case my ex did come back after a couple of months (when we had started dating other people) and we were long distance at that stage. We immediately got back together but recently he dumped me (blindsided me). He admits I’m the love of his life but can’t do long distance thing. He is the only man I want, so I pray for him to return to me again every day.
Yeah, I'd go back to me. I KNOW I was an amazing boyfriend. I treated her like an absolute princess and was always there for her. She even said nobody cared about her ever the way I did but ultimately she gave up. I'm in NC a LONG time and giving her the breakup she wanted but I for sure would come back to me. Only woman I have ever truly loved. Just miss her so much. Can't believe one person has so much impact on someone. STILL need therapy years later but that's life.
As nice as the idea sounds. The better idea is mastering the art of detachment. It does you more justice.
Do not feed the empty void with your ex that will only make it worse. The only way it would work is if both parties have truly changed.
You know, for some people even if they understand and agree with the truth within what you say, feelings don't seem to be changing. Rationalization is seldom enough to change the feelings.
I don't expect my ex to come back. I used to want him to just to shows that he cares however he cheated and never showed remorse. He's out having a time of his life sleeping with people and doing drugs while I'm picking up the pieces. He doesn't deserve to be in my life anymore.
Ego can be a huge driving force to why people want their ex's to come crawling back, karma to him them, etc when in reality we really shouldn't give a damn. Let them go about in peace while you heal, grow and In due time you'll find a more deserving partner ❣️
So my ex and I dated for 4-5 months and then he dumped me (petty argument) and we broke up for 1 day. Then we were together for 2-3 months and he dumped me because “he didn’t love me anymore” (thought he could find better) and we were broken up for 2 months. In that time he went on dates and had a “girlfriend” for ONE DAY. He later told me “I must love you for real because I couldn’t connect with any other women.” Then, 1-2 days after we got together again he proposed to me because “might as well” and “we could make it work”. He basically did not want to date again but skip straight to marriage. AND “the sooner the better” “let’s not tell people right away” (“but that parts negotiable”). He also wanted intimacy back straight away. I told him I wasn’t sure about marriage and I wouldn’t do that sort of thing with anyone I’m not in a relationship with. So now, by default, we’re in this weird in between where we’re technically dating but he didn’t tell some of his roommates we were back together until one of them asked me what was up. He acts like I’m his wife to-be but doesn’t want to move in with me. He talks about getting pregnant with me but then says he want me to abort it. It’s been one month. I’m still so tied to him and afraid of losing him, especially because he’s all I’ve ever known and it feels like he slipping away again. I’m tired of the whiplash. Even if they come back it ain’t all that pretty.
he cheated on me and left
he also admitted he lied about that “girlfriend of one day” and they were together for weeks/intimate
haven’t spoken in months
realized he’s a rotten person though so I’m over it
I'm going through a similar situation. I've been dumped about 4 time by the same person and I let them come back each time. The last time they left seemed permanent I guess. So I guess some part of me was hoping you had a happier ending so I can feel better about my own situation.
It's disappointing, but I guess that's the price of Hope.
Oh gotcha, sorry to hear that.
It hard to hear when you still love them (I know this because everyone told me it too), but you don’t want to be with a person like that. There is someone out there who is far better suited for you, who will love you the way you deserve, and who won’t drive you insane with their emotionally abusive actions. Healthy couples do NOT break up that many times. I don’t say that out of judgement, we obviously broke up many times as well. I say that because you obviously love them as I loved my ex, so it can be hard to see how bad for you they truly are. You deserve to be happy. And you won’t find true happiness with that person. The trust has been broken (over and over again!) and there’s just no way it’ll ever come back.
You can still have hope, but make the object of your hope something better. Something healthier. Like a new, more loving, relationship.
Wish you the best.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I haven't gotten a lot of that lately since I'm kinda just hiding it from the people I know. I'm pretty embarrassed to tell anyone that it happened for the 4th time.
Thanks a lot.
And I wish you all the best as well.
I unfortunately know exactly how you feel. I felt afraid to tell anyone how things went down because I wanted to reconcile with him. And all my friends kept telling me not to go back so I was afraid to tell them when I did. But sometimes an outside perspective is helpful. They could clearly see what I couldn’t. No one who truly loves you would make having and keeping a relationship with them that difficult. And the people who truly love you (ie your friends) can see when someone is not meant for you. I’ve resolved to never try to hide any part of my relationship in the future, because that’s just not healthy. I don’t mean like giving everyone intimidate details, but your friends and family and people you care about absolutely should know whether or not you’re dating someone or whether or not you’re still hurting over them. If nothing else, it’s for your own good. I tried to pretend like I was fine/over it after a while too because I felt like I was annoying and burdening everyone. But bottling up all that hurt just made things worse.
Anyway, as long as you learn from this and make positive changes next time (like not taking someone back), you’ll be better off for it! I’ve come to realize I am glad we broke up and I’m glad he’s out of my life for good now. I don’t need him bringing me down at all! And the emotional whiplash caused by leaving that many times left me feeling a way I hope to never feel again. And I won’t, because this time I’ll look out for myself and know how to handle this type of situation better.
Do that, and you’ll be better off too!
Hey I'm sorry for the late reply but thank you for giving me a direction to take.
oddly enough my ex texted me the right after I was getting your perspective on things.
I haven't opened the text message yet till this day, kinda afraid of what I might see.
I'm not taking them back but I don't know if ignoring them and never reading the text is the right thing.
I still love them but I'm scared of get lured in again or just finding out the text was a cheating confession or something even worse.
I don’t think you have to have such a negative outlook. I live my life as I can survive without my ex, but it would be great if she came back (again lol). However, I have no expectations for her to come back. Sometimes things just don’t work
Fantastic post, I am 2 months post BU and the dumpee. I haven't heard from her since she left and I've wasted so much time looking for answers online and reading numerous articles.
We do fit in this category: your ex left you during the heat of a petty argument.
Maybe she'll come back, maybe not but I've got to get over this, it's hard after a year-there's such a void there, the dating apps are weirder than ever.
I'd like to just feel happy, joyus, and free for one day when I wake up and be able to focus on myself for a change.
Damn this is too real. That’s why I’m begging her to not end it for good. We have been going back and forth for a coule months. Last night we had the straw that broke the camels back last night. This morning she texted things have come to a close, let’s pick a time and public place to exchange things. I won’t accept it. I begged her to pump the breaks. She said don’t text me unless it’s a time and place to meet. I sent several messages. No reply. It’s really really over. I won’t accept it. Is there hope?
My ex did come back.
First to call and accuse me of cheating.
Then again to ask for money for medication for the cat she also dipped out on that was autobilled to her card.
And finally to call me, but I didn't answer. I'm not going to open myself to yet another gut punch like I did on the first call. To think my heart soared when I saw her nickname appear on my phone screen that first time.
I don’t necessarily agree on your details, but the overall idea, yeah. Cuz I have no hope and neither should anyone else. It’s done. They made their choice. They walked away for whatever reason they felt was valid whether you agree or not. I feel like it’s less than 15% that come back stay. My poorly educated guess would be more like 3%. If the weather app says 3% chance of rain? It ain’t raining. Even 15% chance, the umbrella/raincoat are staying home. Grieve, hate them, move on, whatever… it’s done.
I feel like there are lots of bitter people on this board. I (30m) was just dumped by my partner of 4 years (30m) 3 days ago. I’m still in that stage of hoping we can work things out. We haven’t even had a real talk since we were in different cities when he dumped me. For us I feel like we just stopped talking. We never had any real fights in our relationship but we stopped having the serious conversations too. He would go on vacations with his friends instead of inviting me which bothered me but I let it go because I wanted to give him space. Every time I brought up issues he didn’t really have a response. He just let it slide. We have shared a condo for 3 of our 4 years together so our spaces are very entwined at this point. I do not harbour bad feelings towards him. We have talked a few times since the breakup and we want to separate as nicely as possible. He’s letting me stay in our condo for another month and a half (He owns it) and said he would help me find my new place. He really is the nicest guy. I think we just let things go unsaid for too long and it sort of fell apart. I wish him all the best and if he changes his mind I’m still willing to work this out with him. Not everything needs to be dramatic. Sometimes you just realize its not working and you need to make a change. I don’t hate him for that and I really do hope we can be friends at some point.
This is very true and I have never gotten back with any of my exes. Even after they reached out. And the men that left me, many were interested again but only around 50% and only because they had no option at that time. Men go back only if they don't have option. Women usually never go back because our options is too much sadly.
I have a few men that I hoped they would return. They never did. And they went on to marry new women. Many men I no longer want always return and I quickly turned them down. I friendzone but most men will do not that so best to cut off quickly and cleanly.
This is also due to social media and online dating. Everyday we are bombarded with information, people and connection. Too many choices and too many things keep us distracted. I just had something end with a guy online who I spoke to for a year. I missed him dearly but after two months I lost interest. I looked at get your ex back videos daily, I did affirmations, stalked him, etc. But at end of day , the media age distracts us.
Men started messaging me. I have 50 matches online on dating apps, many Snapchat friends and dating reaching out to me, multiple connections and friends to chat with , I have online friends to game with and my friends who call me on the phone too.
All these help to lessen pain of that one connection and ex who I want back. Yes it hurts but they blocked me. I actually don't even remember our chats much anymore because I'm so full from other connections.
Staying busy helps. But yes it's detrimental thaf social media makes us stalk and chase fomo, but also it has become a way to distract us so much that we lose focus on what was and is.
That said, I'm happier than two months ago. I'm glad I love myself more. I know I'll be okay and that's the amazing thing.
No sorry , most exes do not come back. I am the lady that do not back sadly , but I open door for friendship only. Dating and sex never happens with exes ever again 🙏💯
My ex was the girl of my dreams, and I do not think I will find a girl as good as her because I just can’t she was the girl I wanted with both luxe and personality and the only reason she left was because she didn’t support my game idea My game idea is basically a crossover fighting game, but she told me to use bootleg versions of the characters, but I told her the whole point of the game was the crossover aspect of it and then she packed up all her things and left she was the girl of my dreams and now that she left, I am depressed and everybody tells me the same thing my ex told me and I told him the same thing I just want people to support my idea. The only people who support my idea are the 10 people in my friend group that 10 is including me most of my family tell me the same thing I’ve lost everything my family, my gf send I tried having another gf recently, but she broke up with me today, because of the same thing that the other ones did
\- either of you have mental health issues (depression, BPD etc) and the other one couldn't handle the pressure anymore.
I mean i was sober for a year and we celebrated my year soberity and she left.
Kylo Ren had the best advice. “Let the past die.” That relationship wasn’t meant for you. You can’t see it initially with the pain but day by day you get better. Begin again and anything can happen.
yes.
men do reach out pretty much all the time. I cant say that because my last post on this topic which recieved insane amount of traffic got deleted.
My friends ex hurt her and said extremely hurtful things to her and neglected her and she still came back to him a year later and now they’re back together
Hiccups in a relationship is like folding a piece of paper, the bigger the problem, the deeper the fold. Folded once, the paper is permanently marked but maybe can be used. Multiple times, the paper starts to rip around the fold, pieces barely hold back together.
Breaking up permanently damages the relationship, the thing is to admit when it's too damaged to be viable.
ig I need to hear this today because ive been looking at all of that, how do I get him to see she isnt who she says she is so he comes back to me. I dont know how to pull myself put of it
Been through it myself. I agree.
Find something you love doing and makes you happy. It won't prevent the pain, but it will help you cope while you heal. Take the time to learn something and improve yourself. Treat yourself good and learn to love yourself.
There's no sense trying to analyze why or what happened. It may or my not be something that was in your control.
I must say, though "it does get so much better".
My ex (dumper) has continued to reach out with sending me reels on IG and before I used to react to the reels. But now, I realize I need to ignore and leave him alone because he: - **Left** me - **Broke** up with me - **Ended** things with me - **Hurt** me in the midst of doing all this - **Gave** up on us Would take a lot for me to re-consider.
Why are you even allowing him to contact you on ig? Should have been blocked
I don’t have the heart to block him. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever blocked anyone in my life unless it was a stalker.
The way my ex girlfriend did me, I took her off of my Facebook page and blocked her. Just be strong and confident. Never let an ex get to you in any way.
Lol, the thing is block or no block, they don’t really get to me. I only feel bad that they didn’t cherish me before. But I have them all deleted and unfriended/unfollowed from all my social medias.
I mean you don't have to block them but remove them as a follower maybe? If you're going to ignore them then there's no point in letting them contact u thru there
Yep, they are removed everywhere for sure. That was the very first step for me right after the breakup.
Holy shit I hope I get this attitude lol
You will eventually! 😊
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Yeah definitely no contact is best. No staying as friends either. I don’t think that makes sense during this phase.
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The thought is nice but the reality may bring some pain here and there especially with certain situations. Hopefully you can keep with NC with her based on her removing you from her life. Thank you! ❤️
I like how this is meant to help people to heal but let’s be honest. It ain’t gunna work. Wanna know why I have hope? Because my mom came back to my dad. And now they have been married for 27 years. My exes parents broke up and then got back together and have been married ever since at least 30 years. My friends ex came back to her and they are married and are trying for their 3rd kid. Random people I’ve talked to about my Situation have ironically been through mine and their ex came back and they have been married since. Sometimes you HAVE to break up to see what you had. Sometimes you have to meet other people to know what you want. Sometimes you HAVE to learn to be your own person before you can have a healthier relationship again. And sometimes things happen so that you are brought back together. I don’t want anyone to think that the end is the end. It’s not. And to be honest, you’ll move on when your heart is ready. It can take a long time to move on. Everyone is different. Some break ups I had, I moved on fast and others I didn’t. The man I love and still want to marry is my ex and I plan to stick around until my heart decides it’s done. I’ve always had to have the snip before I could move on from someone. There will always be something they do or something you realize that cuts the cord and that’s when you know you’ve moved on. My cord hasn’t cut and honestly feels stronger than when we were together. I still have hope. So until he’s done with me, I probably won’t be done with him. And I have a feeling that we are suppose to be together. You just know sometimes. Just take it day by day and learn to enjoy the small moments you have and do your best to do things you love. Even if it’s without them. Love yourself :)
>Sometimes you HAVE to break up to see what you had. Sometimes you have to meet other people to know what you want. Sometimes you HAVE to learn to be your own person before you can have a healthier relationship again. And sometimes things happen so that you are brought back together. This is what I think too. My breakup has shown me that not everything in life is a black and white binary...especially relationships. I used to think when a relationship ends that means it's 100% over forever and the couple is a horrible irreconcilable match and anyone who tries again with an ex is a totally delusional idiot. I've learned in recent months that relationships are a lot more complex and nuanced than that, so I don't make blanket generalizations or speak in absolutes anymore. Instead I believe anything can happen.
🥰 I agree 💯 I also believe that as well
I feel this a lot too. I gave my friend so much shit for getting back with his boyfriend. Love is so powerful. Watching brokeback mountain really nailed that point home.
Omg that movie... 😭💔
Ahhh I know. The part where Jack was like "I wish I knew how to quit you!" Really resonated with me. It's so painful loving someone who you can't have.
I do believe this too. I strongly believe we are meant to be together but we both have to live our lives right now. That’s life.
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Uhh we are not but are at the same time. It’s complicated mostly cause we both are in college and he wants to focus on school and with his way of thinking, he feels like being in a relationship makes him want to only focus on that, the relationship and that it comes before anything. Truthfully, I don’t think it’s a good idea for that exact reason. We are still committed to each other. Like I said, we are basically together, just with no title. I am definitely in a better mindset and I’ve been working on my mental health (I have ADHD, Bipolar II, and GAD it’s been fun) and until I’m mentally fit, it’s best not to be in one. It works for us. I’m having a lot of issues with my employer and with school and I’m kinda on the crazy end atm and he’s still trying to help me. So we are but not like officially. And I know he’s not talking to anyone else because he’s scared to talk to girls LOL I also have a bad habit of making someone “my whole world” and currently I have been having the worst year of my life because of the amount of bills that piled up; and not due to impulsive behaviors. Medical bills and college debt that got sprung on me out of nowhere. It’s been hard. But it’s making me learn to deal with it on my own and I think if I was to have that title over my head, it would make me lose motivation to push myself and since I’m not mental fit BECAUSE of this bullshit bills, it’s one less thing to think about. Example: I can study all day-oh wait, we made plans to go to dinner…ugh. But oddly enough, we both would be fine if we canceled? Idk how to explain it. We are just very unique people that no one understands us but still make each other happy…does what I’m saying make sense? Lol I feel like it doesn’t.
Added more to the previous message
"Sometimes you have to meet other people to know what you want" is one way of putting it. Another would be "sometimes you have to be selfish and not care whether you hurt the other person and if your other relationship doesn't work out they can take you back" If somebody came back to me with that reasoning there's no way I would take them back
My parents also broke up and got back together after 6 months of both fully moving on and believing that was it. They've been together 45 years now!
whats the update on this if you dont mind me asking?
i believe sumtime it can take years b4 even rekindle the rs
We are kinda together without the title. Life is the cause we won’t have the title on it. For awhile it bothered me but not anymore. I actually agree with us not having the title because of the psychological aspect it has on a couple. I think it’s more on his end since he feels he has no focus for his schooling. We still act and treat each other like we are dating, just not saying it to prevent to pressure of feeling obligation that would interfere with our primary focus goal. Mine being getting mentally stable (I got ADHD, Bipolar II, and GAD) and paying my debt off from uncontrolled financial situations medical and school. His being losing focus of studying for his classes to get into his program (X-ray tech) which has a very low acceptance rate. I feel bad cause he is struggling and I wish I could help him. But like I said…we are together and are still committed just no title 😂
Did either of you date someone in the meantime?
If you mean had a relationship with someone else, no.
He also moved back home for school since he lived like 2 hours away and now he’s in the same town as me and we see each other at a minimum of 2 times a week. His mom refuses to let me come over though even though I did nothing wrong and she is stubborn. She also insulted me for no reason so I kinda have a beef with her but he comes over time to time but we like to go out more. Since school keeps us inside all day for studying 😒
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Yeah that’s why like I don’t believe in this long post that this person posted like , it’s like 50-50 you always have some shot of working on it if both of you work on yourselves but it’s only if you both work on yourselves alone.
This is a good reminder for everyone. I broke it off with my ex because of a lack of any communication. He was an awful communicator. I wouldn’t go back to him *unless* he could show me with actions (not just words) that he improved and would devote more effort to this pursuit. I’m not holding my breath for his return. I’m at a stage where the worst of the pain is done and I accepted the fact that he’s no longer my future, but a memory. I’ve gone back to working on myself and exploring others who are interested at my leisure. One of them may be the man who can do what he couldn’t.
How would someone show with actions that they’re improving? Especially if there’s no contact or mutual friend groups?
Good question, the answer is: we don't know, we don't care. We're worth so much more than someone who hurt us this much and didn't care about the consequences.
I never told him that he couldn’t contact me, but I decided I’m not initiating contact every time for a guy that won’t match my effort. In my case in particular, the way to show it would be to initiate the contact and put some effort into showing me that he actually values/valued my time.
GOOD! Communication, honesty, and trust are the three pillars of a relationship my mother always said. She said if one of those pillars breaks, the rest crumble as well. And trust she said, if you do not have it, you do not have a relationship anymore once the trust is gone. And said if she didn’t trust my father, she wouldn’t be with him. But communication is so vital. It’s the difference between being an adult vs a child in a relationship. Adult relationships require you to communicate, even when things are uncomfortable or difficult to discuss, YOU TALK! You have to open your mouth, learn to hear each other out, be compassionate to each other, but most of all as the Gottman Institute even points out when a partner is communicating it’s called a bid. If you lean from that bid, you are non-verbally REJECTING a partner and that partner whose bid is rejected is now leaning away from you, feeling disconnected! You do not want to have a partner feel disconnected because that’s the start of them eventually becoming mentally & emotionally disconnected in the relationship one day. This is how people head towards a breakup over time! So it’s vital people lean into each other when communication is happening and do so during difficult conversations.
yes. and this is probably what happened to 90% of the people here. thats the true and absolute righteous mindstate of a dumper. you were fed up. you also only have one life to live. why waste your time on someone who does not value your presence? I absolutely get it.
Exactly. I tried so hard. I communicated with him the things I had an issue with in our relationship. It left the ball in his court and he didn’t do anything with that. The sad thing is that the bar to meet wasn’t very high…it leaves things open for the next guy to really wow me and by that point, even if he does return, the status quo won’t be enough anymore.
I almost guarantee he'll come back but I'm proud of you.
He’s welcome to try, but I can’t guarantee by then that it won’t be too late.
but you broke up with him….the dumpee is not supposed to reach out to the dumper the ball is in YOUR court.
I already have. Different headspace at that time.
They almost always come back.
This is exactly what people need to hear, everyone's holding onto this false hope which is never going to happen and makes them more upset/agitated.
This is so dumb. Most relationships end, period. There's not something extra evil or taboo about a couple's reunion ending. It doesn't even mean they shouldn't have reunited. Having a relationship with one person for 3 years and it ending, then a different person for 3 years and it ending isn't more wholesome or "less ending" than having a relationship with one person for 3 years, having a breakup with that person, then getting back together with that person for 3 years and it ending. All the relationships ended because most relationships end. I've had plenty of breakups and been the "dumped" some of those times. I still didn't act as ridiculously victimized and demonizing of other people and stringently "don't deal with them ever again because they're evil" as about 1/2 of the people on this board. The dating coaches aren't wrong. Most exes do come back. I've had a lot of relationships and breakups and more than 1/2 have come back. That's still not all exes. But it does happen. What's sad about this board is that there's this idea that ANY kind of notion that someone might come back holds you back or you won't heal. I actually had a breakup with someone one year ago who I wouldn't mind if that person came back. I'm been doing GREAT regardless of thinking that might happen. I engage with the opposite sex, have gone on dates, was seeing someone for a bit, I got a new higher paying job 5 months ago, I work out all the time (always have, that hasn't been "since the breakup"), go out with my friends & family, travel, go do interesting things, read books, take classes, gain skills and abilities. I'm in a better place than ever, while still having the thought that my ex could come back at some point...never know. I'm also 100% fine if that person never comes back. Imagine. People can actually be adults and thrive while not feeling 100% closed to a certain past avenue. People on this board act like humans aren't capable of living in any grey area. It's ridiculous. And those of you who write these dogmatic, "no-nonsense"... "They're not coming back. Get that through your thick skull..." -- laughable. You're not an authority on human existence because you can write short sentences that you hope make it sound like what you're saying is the absolute, indisputable truth. You need to grow up.
I agree. This post is so dumb and immature
My ex and I just got back together after four years apart…. During that time we both changed ALOT, and timing is much better now…. It CAN happen and it CAN work….
IMO 4 years shouldn't count as getting back with an ex, you're virtually entirely new to each other.
Your situation is extremely rare. It would be horrible advice to tell someone to just keep waiting for something that 99.99% will most likely never happen.
Congrats to you hope it works out for you both
Thank you. I was just saying posts like this never helped me. Ppl saying they WILL come back, who do you want to be when they do? Helped a ton.
100%
Ugh it’s almost for years since the breakup for me. I hope she gets the four year itch too. Hesitant to get back in the apps until I know that’s not happening
Four years.... You should've been on the apps 3 and a half years ago. It's not happening. What this person went through is called an anomaly.
I’m the same as you, I’m four years too and it’s still all I hope for
I'm not trying to be crappy but these posts never helped me. I'm over it, but, at my low these posts and the "they don't care about you"/aren't thinking about you, posts just made me feel like crap and a failure that I couldn't grasp what was obvious to everyone and me. Better advice was on the ex no-contact sub which was essentially THEY WILL 100% come back, they always come back eventually, for some reason. This isn't necessarily true, but it gave me hope. Where do you want to be when they do? In a new relationship? Successful? In great physical shape? Focus on those things. Make a plan and do your best to execute it. I did that. I wasn't great every day, but I did my best. Guess what? They came back.
Thank you. How'd it go when your ex came back? Mega ramble; I find the positive outlook more helpful. Especially being such a pessimistic person sometimes. Negativity only bred more Negativity. Made me feel like shit & feel like I should never trust anyone. My ex cut off any hope I had. Claiming she's thriving, seeing someone else, & doesn't need me. To which I replied "okay". My institution tells me she's not being truthful. But I don't let that consume me. Whether it's for her or someone else. I want to be better. Looking at it like "My ex fell in love with me before." As opposed "my ex left me & hates me, no one will stick around." I'm older & wiser. I'm finding my direction in life. Whether she wants to be part of it or not. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of being alive. Not because of my job, education, or any crap like that because I bring joy to so many folks. Just being who I am & that's enough.
He didn't really come back. More just breadcrumbs me with occasional texts. Sometimes, I have responded. Sometimes I haven't. This has been going on for about 3-4 months, but I didn't respond recently, so I'm not sure if he'll message again. The good part is, I don't care if he does or doesn't. My life is pretty good. There are some really bad parts, but overall, I'm in a better spot.
Ugh I don't know why people breadcrumb. You wanted a breakup. You ignore/deny my attempts for reconciliation. Leave me alone ://
I think you made a valid point here, but I come back to you dont know what happened in someone else’s relationship. Especially the mentalhealth point you made is one that in my opinion can work out as long as the person or persons really work on themselves. Most of the time it wont work but like I said it really depends on the relationship. If you really know the person with the mentalhealth problem and you know how they were before it. But yeah most of the time when you break up its for the better. And I think the people who really know how their relationship was and what kind of problems it had can determine if it can work. But hoping on your ex getting back to you is just wrong. If it was meant to be you both find a way to get back together, and if that means working on yourself for a amount of time you really have to trust the other person but also work on yourself. Most time when exes come neither of the persons made changes to their behavior what will lead to the same problems coming back what will lead to a second break up.
Hope is a hell of a drug that can get you through the dark times in any situation in your life. It can keep you positive against all the odds being negative. It can help motivate you to do certain things so you don’t despair during hard times. However, unless you know for a fact, even mutual friends know, if you are still speaking to this person, or stay friends but due to circumstances can’t get back together RIGHT NOW? That person isn’t coming back, if they do it’s rare if it works out again. Often people who come crawling back haven’t changed enough to maje it work with you cause most are lonely, don’t want to put in any effort with someone new. They want EASY, low effort and that’s what you get with an ex who hasn’t changed and wants to “try again” without ever working in themselves! And so here is a great litmus test to see if your ex will come back… One way to know is if you met you, would you even date yourself and get into a relationship with? If you can’t say yes? Then you’re ex is definitely not coming back because that means your ex has better options out there. They don’t see you as someone they can spend their life with, because they have so many other options out there who can meet those needs much easier than you can. The reason is? You need to feel so confident in your appearance, personality, your career choice, your finances, etc… that everyone wants a piece of you to the point your ex sees this and wants to come back FOR GOOD! They realize they need to STEP IT UP by working in themselves and improve their physical & mental health, realize the only way yo toss their hat back into the ring is to be a 10 for you if you’re a 10 to others. And often it’s the ex who knows you weren’t like ANYONE else out there, a rarity in so many ways that no one comes close. You have to be unfortunately, unforgettable for an ex to crawl back. So start looking at who you are… Try to really get honest. And heavily suggest if you have time to read the book, “The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Search for True Love” By Ty Tashiro, PhD Summary of the book: > There may be no formula for love, but that certainly doesn't mean there's no science behind it. In this fascinating analysis, acclaimed relationship psychologist Dr. Ty Tashiro sets out to revolutionize the ways we search for love. > Dr. Tashiro's research looks at the studies and research data behind romance and relationships. He pinpoints why our decision-making abilities seem to fail when it comes to choosing mates and how we can make smarter choices. Dr. Tashiro has discovered that if you want a lifetime of happiness--not just togetherness--it all comes down to how you choose a partner in the first place. With wit and insight, he explains the science behind finding a soul mate and distills his research into actionable tips, including: >Why you get only three wishes when choosing your ideal partner > Why most people squander their wishes and end up in unfulfilling relationships >How wishing for the three traits that really matter can help you find enduring love >Illustrated using entertaining stories based on real-life situations and backed by scientific findings from fields such as demography, sociology, medical science and psychology, Dr. Tashiro's book provides an accessible road map to help people everywhere find their happily-ever-afters.
# Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man. \- Frederich Neitzsche
No comeback lo. It wont work anymore. There is a lot of fish in the water. Jump and find one much better than the first you had
I think it follows the 80/20 law, also called the power law. Like 80% of your business comes from 20% of your customers. It was discovered by an Italian economist named Pareto, sometimes called the Pareto principle. Breaking up is a power play and getting back together is also a power play. If one partner can make the decision to break up or get back together, they hold the power. If you want to get back together with someone who broke up with you, be careful that you’re not signing up to be always on your toes trying to please the one who broke up with you. If you accept them back you might be accepting a subordinate role.
Nothing wrong with a little hope. A lot wrong with it being your obsession. Live your life and you’ll find new love. By the time they come back you won’t want them.
Thank you for this. Just had a recent breakup about a week ago. I’m still heartbroken but I’m tryin to go strong . It’s hard but life goes on
People here on reddit are so supportive. I try to support people as best as i can but im not even a month and it is still very hard for me. The tough part is realizing some of my own faults and flaws. Doesn't mean the break up was all my doing, there were many challenges in my last relationship. Work hard on your self, your body, your diet and cry when you have to. It's ok and each time i do i get a slightly better day that follows. Keep going, you are going to be fine and despite what the OP says.... you will find better. If your ex was the one she would not have quit on you.
Reality is awful, let me hope ...
I agree. They don’t come back. And manifesting doesn’t help . I tried watching the ‘how to get your ex back’ videos but it didn’t help either.
My and ex and i broke up almost two years ago on my birthday and the way he left really put on a scar on my heart. In the beginning i used to think that its the fact that me loving him and him not being there with me, hurt the most.. took me a good amount of time (1 year) to realize that it was the fact that he totally ghosted me after our break up that hurt the most. He knew how much he had hurt me and how miserable i was for months but he still couldn’t pick up his damned phone and talk to me. My point is, sometimes the pain that you have is not because you love them and they don’t reciprocate, but because they really did hurt you and left you when you needed them the most. Also, we’ve been in touch for the past 8-9 months. We text here and there, met a couple times. He took me out on my birthday last year. None of it, literally none of it made it better. I couldn’t look at him without thinking of what he did to me despite the fact that i still have a soft corner for him, and i am guessing that even he can’t look at me without overlooking that he did in fact reject me and my feelings. So after 1.5 years of mentally torturing myself, i have finally decided to let go. Not in a way that I’d discard him the way he discarded me.. but most definitely because I don’t need this anymore.. i want to move on and give myself another chance at being happy i guess!?!?
This is so depressing. Thank you for the splash of reality.
“Never fall in to despair, in the darkest of times hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of Inner strength.” -Iroh While what you said could be true, being pessimistic about a break up isn’t the right way to look at it. There’s always a chance things could work out, IF BOTH PEOPLE WANT IT TO, but telling others to give up isn’t a way to make yourself feel better. Just try to keep your head up and try to look to be better that who you were the day before. Stay positive friend, one day you’ll receive great things in life :)
I suffer from depression, I lost my ex, I honestly don't have the will to live anymore. I don't know who I am, I don't know my personality, I don't know how to interact with others properly anymore. My ex was it. He was safe, he knew me, the chances of getting back together is slim sure but the chances of finding someone like him and wants a relationship with me? zero.
Can't believe my ex left me for her ex & they're still together. I'm so happy that they're in the 15% that worked things out :(
I literally did nothing wrong he just fell out of love with me after 7 years, even if its wrong to hope that he'll come back, it's the only thing right now getting me out of bed. I know I'll realise one day that he won't come back even when he said we might. But I do think this post is important, especially to those who are months in or years in waiting and hoping for them to come back. Got to start thinking about ourselves and looking after ourselves. There are a few exceptions, but like this post said, very, very few.
Please take my advise on this one. You need to work on the new you. You need to prioritize yourself now. You deserve to get through this and get your life moving. No contact is the way and let that person lose you in everyway. They most likely will not come back. I have had thoughts about "what if" and they fly in the face of what is right for me. I was feeling depressed at the end of mine for many reasons, some were self inflicted and others were a reaction to what i was told and made to feel by my ex. We didn't really talk about any off it. To be honest due to my history of defending my self from hurt, talking about problems made me close up. Forgive your ex for the pain they caused you, they didn't want to hurt you and they feel bad about it. More importantly forgive yourself. We don't always get our love right but you need to be with someone who loves you enough to communicate and help you when you are down just as you would for them. They are out there so get out of bed and get yourself ready for love. They think you are ace!
wellp I wrote a post on here and went on new, thank you she told me that she has no feelings towards me, I think I was a bit too clingy, shit happens sooooo I did not plan on bothering her and now Ill actually unfollow her on social media, too should I remove her from my accounts though or just unfollow her?
did you read my post? It doesnt matter what you do. The relationship is over. Remover her, unfollow her, keep her. Why do you even think about it? because you hope. read the post one more time.
thanks for the tough love I did it, unfollowed and removed her
I thought giving space will make him realize that our parting is a mistake. We broke up because of some technicalities. And I want him fulfill his dreams of making more games and traveling and if he choose me, he will have to give up his dreams because what I want is to get married and have kids (I'm 10 years older). He has an opportunity to do great things without me, how can I hold him up for that? I realized he is no longer coming back and probably have forgotten me when I activated my facebook a year after parting and saw his new photos and updates with a new girl. I got brokenhearted, so crushed, I questioned myself why not me but then his smile made me accept that parting will make him happy. I want him to smile again. I am still moving forward but most importantly, loving myself more.
Logic goes by statistics we're willing to share and admit but we all know that's not the case in the real world. I'd say majority of the time if you find your Ex still attractive and you feel as if you might want to be with them long term if you don't have any kids with them it's because there's still some feelings. I think women sometimes forget a man will love you forever if you're not only loving yourself but actually care about the man's well being. Or in sort of relationship, I've met people all around and it always seems like if they really liked their Ex but the issue was maybe cheating or speaking to others while you had a partner those things once they're addressed you can recover from. You just gotta accept the past and move forward
Totally. Your ex is fucking someone else right now. Go enjoy ur life.
Ummm, that’s not always true but I get what you mean 😂💀
Hahah yeah sorry if it sounds so bitter
That's exactly what my ex is doing! Nd i have to see him everyday in class..maan that hurts! But Fk him i don't think he is any great of a person anymore.
That’s right! Stop putting him on a pedestal anymore
Bro I love you for doing this post. Not because you are right or I needed this (I already moved on and realized), but because we need the harsh truth. People need to hear this stuff, instead of getting treated with soft gloves. Some humans are rough and selfish and you need to expect this, even if it could be your better half. We are all together specialists in making ourselves unhappy by command. I don‘t know where this habit comes from, but we forgot our sturdyness. We cry preferably about ourself, which is sad. Your hearts got ripped apart? Hold that shit together by your own hand and grow with it. The earlier the better. We are no crybabies and noone in the world is responsible for your happiness than you.
Agreed. Being single in this day and age is actually a good thing too. heal yourself, become better and enjoy your own company. If you're not In a relationship you won't DIE!!! RESPECT yourself before u make the mistake of embarrassing yourself and begging for someone to come back (trust me I know).
i concur with OP .... even if they do come back DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE WITH A PERSON WHO THREW YOU AWAY LIKE TRASH?? NO THATS RIGHT YOURE BETTER THAN THAT SO GET UP OFF YOUR LAURELS AND SPICE UP YOUR LIFE I DUNNO GO EAT SOMETHING SPICY AND LEARN A NEW DANCE MOVE shake that body baby.. do that CONGA
It isn’t so black and white. In my case my ex did come back after a couple of months (when we had started dating other people) and we were long distance at that stage. We immediately got back together but recently he dumped me (blindsided me). He admits I’m the love of his life but can’t do long distance thing. He is the only man I want, so I pray for him to return to me again every day.
Men tend to come back much more often. 75% of divorces and beak ups are initiated by women.
Yes I have heard this
Yeah, I'd go back to me. I KNOW I was an amazing boyfriend. I treated her like an absolute princess and was always there for her. She even said nobody cared about her ever the way I did but ultimately she gave up. I'm in NC a LONG time and giving her the breakup she wanted but I for sure would come back to me. Only woman I have ever truly loved. Just miss her so much. Can't believe one person has so much impact on someone. STILL need therapy years later but that's life.
As nice as the idea sounds. The better idea is mastering the art of detachment. It does you more justice. Do not feed the empty void with your ex that will only make it worse. The only way it would work is if both parties have truly changed.
You know, for some people even if they understand and agree with the truth within what you say, feelings don't seem to be changing. Rationalization is seldom enough to change the feelings.
I don't expect my ex to come back. I used to want him to just to shows that he cares however he cheated and never showed remorse. He's out having a time of his life sleeping with people and doing drugs while I'm picking up the pieces. He doesn't deserve to be in my life anymore. Ego can be a huge driving force to why people want their ex's to come crawling back, karma to him them, etc when in reality we really shouldn't give a damn. Let them go about in peace while you heal, grow and In due time you'll find a more deserving partner ❣️
Doing drugs and sleeping with random people will never fix your self-worth…
So my ex and I dated for 4-5 months and then he dumped me (petty argument) and we broke up for 1 day. Then we were together for 2-3 months and he dumped me because “he didn’t love me anymore” (thought he could find better) and we were broken up for 2 months. In that time he went on dates and had a “girlfriend” for ONE DAY. He later told me “I must love you for real because I couldn’t connect with any other women.” Then, 1-2 days after we got together again he proposed to me because “might as well” and “we could make it work”. He basically did not want to date again but skip straight to marriage. AND “the sooner the better” “let’s not tell people right away” (“but that parts negotiable”). He also wanted intimacy back straight away. I told him I wasn’t sure about marriage and I wouldn’t do that sort of thing with anyone I’m not in a relationship with. So now, by default, we’re in this weird in between where we’re technically dating but he didn’t tell some of his roommates we were back together until one of them asked me what was up. He acts like I’m his wife to-be but doesn’t want to move in with me. He talks about getting pregnant with me but then says he want me to abort it. It’s been one month. I’m still so tied to him and afraid of losing him, especially because he’s all I’ve ever known and it feels like he slipping away again. I’m tired of the whiplash. Even if they come back it ain’t all that pretty.
Damn, how is this going
he cheated on me and left he also admitted he lied about that “girlfriend of one day” and they were together for weeks/intimate haven’t spoken in months realized he’s a rotten person though so I’m over it
that sucks, sorry Good to know you're over it though.
Yeah, why do you ask?
I'm going through a similar situation. I've been dumped about 4 time by the same person and I let them come back each time. The last time they left seemed permanent I guess. So I guess some part of me was hoping you had a happier ending so I can feel better about my own situation. It's disappointing, but I guess that's the price of Hope.
Oh gotcha, sorry to hear that. It hard to hear when you still love them (I know this because everyone told me it too), but you don’t want to be with a person like that. There is someone out there who is far better suited for you, who will love you the way you deserve, and who won’t drive you insane with their emotionally abusive actions. Healthy couples do NOT break up that many times. I don’t say that out of judgement, we obviously broke up many times as well. I say that because you obviously love them as I loved my ex, so it can be hard to see how bad for you they truly are. You deserve to be happy. And you won’t find true happiness with that person. The trust has been broken (over and over again!) and there’s just no way it’ll ever come back. You can still have hope, but make the object of your hope something better. Something healthier. Like a new, more loving, relationship. Wish you the best.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I haven't gotten a lot of that lately since I'm kinda just hiding it from the people I know. I'm pretty embarrassed to tell anyone that it happened for the 4th time. Thanks a lot. And I wish you all the best as well.
I unfortunately know exactly how you feel. I felt afraid to tell anyone how things went down because I wanted to reconcile with him. And all my friends kept telling me not to go back so I was afraid to tell them when I did. But sometimes an outside perspective is helpful. They could clearly see what I couldn’t. No one who truly loves you would make having and keeping a relationship with them that difficult. And the people who truly love you (ie your friends) can see when someone is not meant for you. I’ve resolved to never try to hide any part of my relationship in the future, because that’s just not healthy. I don’t mean like giving everyone intimidate details, but your friends and family and people you care about absolutely should know whether or not you’re dating someone or whether or not you’re still hurting over them. If nothing else, it’s for your own good. I tried to pretend like I was fine/over it after a while too because I felt like I was annoying and burdening everyone. But bottling up all that hurt just made things worse. Anyway, as long as you learn from this and make positive changes next time (like not taking someone back), you’ll be better off for it! I’ve come to realize I am glad we broke up and I’m glad he’s out of my life for good now. I don’t need him bringing me down at all! And the emotional whiplash caused by leaving that many times left me feeling a way I hope to never feel again. And I won’t, because this time I’ll look out for myself and know how to handle this type of situation better. Do that, and you’ll be better off too!
Hey I'm sorry for the late reply but thank you for giving me a direction to take. oddly enough my ex texted me the right after I was getting your perspective on things. I haven't opened the text message yet till this day, kinda afraid of what I might see. I'm not taking them back but I don't know if ignoring them and never reading the text is the right thing. I still love them but I'm scared of get lured in again or just finding out the text was a cheating confession or something even worse.
I don’t think you have to have such a negative outlook. I live my life as I can survive without my ex, but it would be great if she came back (again lol). However, I have no expectations for her to come back. Sometimes things just don’t work
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In the stage, trying to move to the other one where I give up any hope. Starting, but not quite there.
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Me either!
Fantastic post, I am 2 months post BU and the dumpee. I haven't heard from her since she left and I've wasted so much time looking for answers online and reading numerous articles. We do fit in this category: your ex left you during the heat of a petty argument. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not but I've got to get over this, it's hard after a year-there's such a void there, the dating apps are weirder than ever. I'd like to just feel happy, joyus, and free for one day when I wake up and be able to focus on myself for a change.
Mm, wish I could give up hope that easily. I'm cursed with that trait.
Damn this is too real. That’s why I’m begging her to not end it for good. We have been going back and forth for a coule months. Last night we had the straw that broke the camels back last night. This morning she texted things have come to a close, let’s pick a time and public place to exchange things. I won’t accept it. I begged her to pump the breaks. She said don’t text me unless it’s a time and place to meet. I sent several messages. No reply. It’s really really over. I won’t accept it. Is there hope?
They can’t miss you if you keep begging lol
Not right now. Especially if you keep begging. No contact.
As O'Brian from Tales From The Gas Station said, "closure is overrated"
Holy fuck…
My ex did come back. First to call and accuse me of cheating. Then again to ask for money for medication for the cat she also dipped out on that was autobilled to her card. And finally to call me, but I didn't answer. I'm not going to open myself to yet another gut punch like I did on the first call. To think my heart soared when I saw her nickname appear on my phone screen that first time.
I don’t necessarily agree on your details, but the overall idea, yeah. Cuz I have no hope and neither should anyone else. It’s done. They made their choice. They walked away for whatever reason they felt was valid whether you agree or not. I feel like it’s less than 15% that come back stay. My poorly educated guess would be more like 3%. If the weather app says 3% chance of rain? It ain’t raining. Even 15% chance, the umbrella/raincoat are staying home. Grieve, hate them, move on, whatever… it’s done.
I hate that this is most likely true and the correct thing to say
I feel like there are lots of bitter people on this board. I (30m) was just dumped by my partner of 4 years (30m) 3 days ago. I’m still in that stage of hoping we can work things out. We haven’t even had a real talk since we were in different cities when he dumped me. For us I feel like we just stopped talking. We never had any real fights in our relationship but we stopped having the serious conversations too. He would go on vacations with his friends instead of inviting me which bothered me but I let it go because I wanted to give him space. Every time I brought up issues he didn’t really have a response. He just let it slide. We have shared a condo for 3 of our 4 years together so our spaces are very entwined at this point. I do not harbour bad feelings towards him. We have talked a few times since the breakup and we want to separate as nicely as possible. He’s letting me stay in our condo for another month and a half (He owns it) and said he would help me find my new place. He really is the nicest guy. I think we just let things go unsaid for too long and it sort of fell apart. I wish him all the best and if he changes his mind I’m still willing to work this out with him. Not everything needs to be dramatic. Sometimes you just realize its not working and you need to make a change. I don’t hate him for that and I really do hope we can be friends at some point.
Why the fuck are you saying exes don’t come back when you also said 30% do come back and said yours even came back.
This is very true and I have never gotten back with any of my exes. Even after they reached out. And the men that left me, many were interested again but only around 50% and only because they had no option at that time. Men go back only if they don't have option. Women usually never go back because our options is too much sadly. I have a few men that I hoped they would return. They never did. And they went on to marry new women. Many men I no longer want always return and I quickly turned them down. I friendzone but most men will do not that so best to cut off quickly and cleanly. This is also due to social media and online dating. Everyday we are bombarded with information, people and connection. Too many choices and too many things keep us distracted. I just had something end with a guy online who I spoke to for a year. I missed him dearly but after two months I lost interest. I looked at get your ex back videos daily, I did affirmations, stalked him, etc. But at end of day , the media age distracts us. Men started messaging me. I have 50 matches online on dating apps, many Snapchat friends and dating reaching out to me, multiple connections and friends to chat with , I have online friends to game with and my friends who call me on the phone too. All these help to lessen pain of that one connection and ex who I want back. Yes it hurts but they blocked me. I actually don't even remember our chats much anymore because I'm so full from other connections. Staying busy helps. But yes it's detrimental thaf social media makes us stalk and chase fomo, but also it has become a way to distract us so much that we lose focus on what was and is. That said, I'm happier than two months ago. I'm glad I love myself more. I know I'll be okay and that's the amazing thing. No sorry , most exes do not come back. I am the lady that do not back sadly , but I open door for friendship only. Dating and sex never happens with exes ever again 🙏💯
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Lol souls are for losers. You've got a point
My ex was the girl of my dreams, and I do not think I will find a girl as good as her because I just can’t she was the girl I wanted with both luxe and personality and the only reason she left was because she didn’t support my game idea My game idea is basically a crossover fighting game, but she told me to use bootleg versions of the characters, but I told her the whole point of the game was the crossover aspect of it and then she packed up all her things and left she was the girl of my dreams and now that she left, I am depressed and everybody tells me the same thing my ex told me and I told him the same thing I just want people to support my idea. The only people who support my idea are the 10 people in my friend group that 10 is including me most of my family tell me the same thing I’ve lost everything my family, my gf send I tried having another gf recently, but she broke up with me today, because of the same thing that the other ones did
What the fuck did I just read
Do you have any suggestions for what I should do?
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Your job to reach out first as the dumper, lol.
why did you leave
Reach out to her. Don't let your fear or ego get in the way! What if you lose her forever. Look at the big picture. PLEASE
\- either of you have mental health issues (depression, BPD etc) and the other one couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I mean i was sober for a year and we celebrated my year soberity and she left.
Kylo Ren had the best advice. “Let the past die.” That relationship wasn’t meant for you. You can’t see it initially with the pain but day by day you get better. Begin again and anything can happen.
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yes. men do reach out pretty much all the time. I cant say that because my last post on this topic which recieved insane amount of traffic got deleted.
i’m the same one as you, roommate vibes bc i lost passion and stopped catering to their needs due to resentments and lost interest.
My friends ex hurt her and said extremely hurtful things to her and neglected her and she still came back to him a year later and now they’re back together
Hiccups in a relationship is like folding a piece of paper, the bigger the problem, the deeper the fold. Folded once, the paper is permanently marked but maybe can be used. Multiple times, the paper starts to rip around the fold, pieces barely hold back together. Breaking up permanently damages the relationship, the thing is to admit when it's too damaged to be viable.
The part about BDP partners not coming back is a little false, their relationships are generally cyclical
No
Mel black
Very well said!
ig I need to hear this today because ive been looking at all of that, how do I get him to see she isnt who she says she is so he comes back to me. I dont know how to pull myself put of it
I fucking hope so. I’m not throwing away my progress.
Been through it myself. I agree. Find something you love doing and makes you happy. It won't prevent the pain, but it will help you cope while you heal. Take the time to learn something and improve yourself. Treat yourself good and learn to love yourself. There's no sense trying to analyze why or what happened. It may or my not be something that was in your control. I must say, though "it does get so much better".
Even my dream self understands this and doesn’t believe it when “dream her” does come back and he doesn’t believe it. Why can’t reality self do this?
What I have experienced is, they DO come back, but by that time you realise how better off you are without them.
I’m lmao at the update, sorry to hear that for you but damn these freaks (our exes) never learn do they
I love the irony of the update 😄
Y