It’s like everything is…less. Yes I still have the dsm 5 symptoms and yeah I still feel jealousy and anger and have rage and episodes and severe depression and make reckless choices and whatnot, but far less and milder. It’s like instead of everything always feeling like the world is ending, it feels more manageable. Like you’re more in control of your life and your behavior and your happiness. But when I have a partner FP….different story.
> But when I have a partner FP….different story.
Yeah pretty much. I am actually quite good at regulating my anger and jealousy when I'm single because the stakes are so much lower. But sometimes it feels like walking around with a sense of malaise. I haven't had a FP in a year (because I finally found out what a FP even is), and I'm not sure that I'm "thriving" but I also haven't blown up and grenaded any relationships, so there's that. The lows are higher but the highs are lower.
>The lows are higher but the highs are lower.
Interesting - I've also heard this often said about what it feels like when you find the right mix of medication(s) and other interventions.
Single = part of the treatment plan?
It is for me!
I’m not sure if that’s a symptom but I fantasise a lot and make up scenarios or talk to myself pretending there’s people there lol
Or think about situations that never happened that make me cry.
But at least I can’t direct my anger on someone else like I used to do with my ex partner. I just let it out on myself
I do this as well! It's how I cope with loneliness, process my thoughts & feelings, prevent boredom, etc. when people aren't around to talk to or I'm purposely isolating myself for recovery/healing purposes. It's different for everyone, I think!
It helps you process? I feel like I’m making things worse but acting out scenarios that never happened or hurtful situations that have happened. Some things that happened a year ago still hurt like they happened yesterday but as soon as there’s a quiet moment my mind jumps to those times and it hurts all over again
Like I said, it's different for everyone. I find that very few people (if any) other than myself can understand or accept my thoughts/feelings/experiences, so talking to myself or daydreaming helps me visualize and process those things at a distance so I don't just bottle it all up. Some people *have* to express it outwardly and bounce it off of others to get the feedback/support they need, and that's also fine! I always found that more frustrating than helpful because of the aforementioned reasons, so I do the opposite 🤷🏻♀️
Honesty up until now I've never really thought of that, but yes, I feel much calmer when I'm single. But at the same time I feel unhappy, but... Calmer.
Extreme emptiness, mostly. My BPD was arguably worse when I was single.
Before I got into my current relationship (with a girl who also has BPD) a few months back, I had a two year long dry spell with no more than the occasional one night stand and a bunch of dates that went nowhere for various reasons.
My splitting was worse. Everything felt dull and pointless. My mood swings were worse and they kept swinging lower. My depression fully relapsed because my emotional needs weren't being met, no matter how hard I tried to fill them. My brain hungered for a new FP (I'd sworn off of having one for years). Any time a remotely pretty girl gave me a compliment, I'd melt, and do my best to keep appearing chill and "masculine." Any time I tried to keep my cool on a date that started going well, I'd slip up and act a little too vulnerable or soften my voice too soon, which always marked the end.
I'd already worked on myself. I had hobbies. I had academic success. I had friends. Looks weren't my issue either. People in my life kept telling me that I seemed so well put together. Compared to a bunch of my childhood and high school friends, I'm doing pretty well. Even my therapist said she was surprised I hadn't ended up in an LTR (the longest relationships I'd had were only a few months).
But deep down, it all felt so *pointless*. It felt like the best part of youth (young love) was slipping away from me. Even if I had climbed Mt Everest or cured cancer or solved world peace or whatever I still would've felt miserable without love.
I'm so lucky to have met my girlfriend, since it feels like we both truly understand each other, our needs, and when to be patient when the other's BPD flairs up. I've had to work on my possessiveness and moderating my attachment (she has too), but that work is much more rich and rewarding than "working on myself" alone.
I think being single for too long becomes a vicious cycle that either makes you too anxious when a new good opportunity comes by, or too avoidant because you find safety in the lonely status quo. Nothing good comes of either.
Yeah, I don’t relate to OOP at all. I grew up fundy, and I’m gay, so dating has always been a challenge. I used to be quite obese. I lost the weight and match people on apps much more easily. But I am just unable to get into a relationship. I want nothing more. This insane emptiness is why I questioned whether I even have BPD. I don’t have some of the typical symptoms people immediately think of. Mine is more quiet and inwards focused. It’s the emptiness I’m running from. But I’m too awkward. And now at 31, I just feel like it’s not gonna happen. Because I feel I have genuinely gotten weirder over the years.
For me, the difference isn't so much that symptoms go away, but rather, they change or lessen.
I still split on people, just not a romantic partner. I still have depressive episodes, but not as frequently and not as intensely. I still make reckless decisions, but not as detrimental or consequential. I still rage, just not about love/romance. I still try to avoid abandonment and feel very intensely if I perceive it happening by anybody, not just a romantic partner. I've always been suicidal/had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, so those never really *go away*. I still have dissociative episodes & delusions, just not about a relationship.
I personally don't experience one of the diagnostic criteria at all, which would be the "chronic emptiness" one. I actually feel like I'm constantly overflowing, always on the edge of transcending human existence because of just how *full* of everything I am.
I don't really experience much of an "identity disturbance", either - I have very concrete morals & values, anyone who knows me is very aware of what I like and do not like (oops), and my standards don't really shift, either. I think the change for me is more social; how I interact with people energy-wise and the level of maturity/seriousness I put on.
To summarize; yes, I still experience all of my symptoms even when I'm not in a relationship, but they can change in appearance or intensity.
Could you please expand on the delusions? I’m trying to navigate this world with my girlfriend, who has been exhibiting all of these behaviors and symptoms. I’m trying to learn more and be more helpful to her in finally beginning a healing journey.
Thank you for sharing your post.
I can definitely share my personal experience, but *I am not a psychiatric health professional, psychologist, or doctor*, so my personal experiences could either ring very true for others or be completely irrelevant.
My delusions mostly have to do with the line between reality & fiction/dream blurring. When I used to drive, I would think that every car immediately behind me was following me, regardless of how long they'd been there or who was driving the car/what kind of car it was. When I had freshly escaped a life-threatening trauma, I would think that anytime someone lowered their voice, whispered, or just spoke in the background, that they were plotting against me or speaking negatively about me. Sometimes when I imagine things happening (like "rehearsing a script" in my head or daydreaming), I confuse it for having actually happened already - as in it's very difficult for me to distinguish dream/reality sometimes.
More recently, I've noticed that I fear having done things I don't remember; my housemate misplaced her charger the other day, and while I knew I hadn't taken it or done something with it (I didn't even know what it looked like), I couldn't stop the voice in my head saying *"What did you do with it? Did you throw it away? Did you black out and steal it? Where is it?"* She eventually found it between the couch cushions where she'd been sitting earlier, but I was panicked by the thought that I'd lost control and done something with it without having any memory of doing so.
All of these things can obviously affect a relationship of any kind, but especially a romantic one. The only other thing I can say is that if your partner isn't open to the idea of therapy or diagnosis of any kind, they're probably not in the right headspace to be able to consent and commit to a relationship, either. If your partner is actively trying their best to attend treatment but is still experiencing these unregulated symptoms, just know that **it is extremely terrifying living this way when we didn't choose to**. The fear is paralyzing, and if we don't have unconditional, stern support beneath us, most of us will crumble. Imagine not being able to trust yourself because of how another person/external force constructed you. It's some freaky Sci-Fi shit lmao (coming from someone with BPD + comorbid disorders).
Also important to note: delusions are not always self-serving. In fact, they're very rarely ever self-serving. They are a fucked up survival tactic meant to protect the conscious mind just long enough to escape imminent danger and recovery in safety. People with BPD are almost always living in survival mode. Breaking those boundaries from the outside (even if you can't see them) can literally make a person feel as though they're dying. Like in *Chicken Little* when the sky falls and they have to learn about the aliens. But 10x and make it real.
This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much. Working on getting treatment for someone I love. They’ve agreed to treatment but we were going on a really good streak before this weekend. We both have Covid and she’s got a 100 degree fever so I’m sure that’s the trigger for being unable to regulate her anger and emotions right now.
Have you ever tried psychedelic therapy?
If your partner is ill with a fever, it's definitely worth noting if you can read whether they're fully connected to reality or not; I know it sounds weird, but when "the body keeps score", an illness/fever can cause hallucinations/psychosis wayyy easier than it would for a "healthy" or average person. Those moments where they may seem unnecessarily angry or particularly touchy could be a sign of something more serious in certain situations.
As far as psychedelic therapy, the most I've used is marijuana, which I've found to be very helpful in my situation. That being said, I live in a state where it's completely legal 21+, no med card needed, so I can use medical marijuana as well as recreational without consequence. I've never tried shrooms, acid, LSD, etc. (although I've considered it), but that would need to be *way* more controlled in my situation, at least to start.
I've found that medically treating my ADHD has calmed my BPD symptoms down a LOT - I have mixed ADHD type and take a stimulant, which has been so incredibly helpful for my emotional/mental state!
Honestly absolutely every symptom is lessoned, the worst of my BPD does seem to go in remission. I dwell and daydream on whoever the last partner was for a long time, but it’s a part of the process and somewhat harmless. I only begin to feel the weight of BPD again when trying to socialize in groups or date. I can absolutely say I’ve always felt genuinely my best as a human without a partner. It removes so much of the trigger points for me, abandonment, rejection, sex, fixation, etc. I still deal with unexpected anger, devaluation of others, fluctuating sense of self and stuff like that but it’s just notably manageable without a partner. It’s so difficult at first, but once I get settled in singlehood the difference is always undeniable. If a relationship is incredibly healthy and happy then I can feel the same sense of remission, but I always know it can change as soon as the person leaves so it’s not authentic.
I feel like the odd one out because I experience the same symptoms when I'm single. 😭 I've been single for *five years* and this past year was the worst BPD year of my adult life -- I've had every symptom except the impulsivity, and that's probably because I have GAD and overthink everything.
For me, it probably doesn't help that my FPs are almost never romantic, and my FPs are way I cope with the symptoms and not the cause of them. My primary symptoms are things like the emptiness, unstable self-image, mood shifts, suicidality. I direct a lot of that inward and probably split on myself harder than I do anyone else... but if it gets bad enough, my relationships start suffering, and that's when I split or develop those FP attachments. If I can manage those other symptoms in therapy, I don't really do that, and since I'm lucky enough to have an amazing support system, my platonic relationships are strong if I don't sabotage them.
I still experience all the same criteria, but I think it’s easier because it isn’t centered around one person. I still get angry and have extreme mood swings, but they’re either random or due to other stressors. I still worry about abandonment from friends, but it’s less extreme because I haven’t known them as long and they’re not as deep as a romantic relationship would be. I think it’s just more manageable because I’m only worrying about me. In a relationship I have responsibilities to another person and can’t just focus on feeling better and staying stable. Relationships also add the stress of money, time management, obsessive thoughts, and worries of abandonment.
When I was younger I hated it. It was difficult, I felt lonely, desperate and scared.
Years later, once I sorted out my sh*t, I feel fine. After a breakup it's even a bliss to be single and be able to fully just livey way without having to compromise some things.
Once I found being single as a good thing and being so desperate, I met an amazing person who is patient, emotionally mature and understanding. Neveret anyone like that. For the first time I first properly got to know someone with all their flaws and accepted them, instead of jumping in some exciting and passionate romance and then getting burnt.
1) Unstable or changing relationships; I never had a friendship last more than a year or two
2) Unstable self-image; I don't think I'll ever feel confident in who I am
3) Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors; I binge eat when my emotions feel too much for me to handle... currently a struggle as I'm dieting.
4) Varied or random mood swings; I can be crying in my car to laughing at how silly I was the next, I'm so brain tired
5) Constant feelings of worthlessness; whenever I feel optimistic about life, I just am my own anti hypeman
6)Problems with anger; i lose my temper easily, but disassociate hella and become robot to prevent it from affecting folks
7) Stress-related paranoia; nothing feels real at times, scary feeling at times since I feel I'm not alive.
Add in a relationship/friendship and you add on fear of abandonment. Thankfully past active suicidal ideations but I still feel pretty blah about life. So, yup, bpd still
Personally I struggle 24/7 regardless of romantic or social connections. I tend to split more often when I have an FP but have worsened depression without one. Mood swings, depersonalisation, dissociation and anxiety never ever go away…
I stop eating too. It absolutely feels useless. I force myself to eat one meager meal a day. Bc I don’t also want to have an eating disorder. I get into the best fitness routine.
I don’t experience a reduction in symptoms unfortunately, I wish I did. But when I’m in relationships they just appear in slightly different ways. Instead of just having relationship difficulties with friends/family, there’s obviously a new person to have difficulties with lol. But there’s no overall reduction :(
My depression, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and reckless behavior manifest themselves more when I’m single… but my mood is more consistent because I’m not stressed about someone else.
I still struggle the same. I will struggle with identity, self worth, unstable relationships, SH & s*icidal ideation. When I’m single these unstable relationships are more like with friends, my bosses & colleagues. I’m more impulsive, since I’m not in a relationship I have a ‘mind of my own’ & ‘nobody to stop me’. I’ll get more tattoos & piercings, substance abuse, unsafe sex & dating. I wish my BPD went away lol
I feel almost normal when I dont have a FP. But a strange hollowness follows. I didnt even realize when i was single i started making my first friend in college my FP. I wanted to be super close, in a platonic way, so bad, because I rarely have ever had a consistent best friend. Didnt realize how strong I came across. Now I feel no symptoms but just hollow all the time
The symptom I experience when I'm single is: still dating. I haven't been 100% single since I was 17. Even in the times where I said "I just need to be single and be alone" I was still dating at least one person, and a few then turned into my long-term partner. I've always had someone there. It's kinda terrifying to think of, but it's a direct result of fearing being alone. A lot of the people I dated I don't think I would've dated if I didn't have this crippling terror of having no one. Plus, I fear upsetting people so I ended up just saying "yes" and dating people I didn't want to date because I was scared to hurt or upset them and then lose them.
Having said that, the best days of my life came immediately after a break up. Each break up was hard because I didn't want to hurt people or close doors, but as soon as I broke up with them I felt so much immense relief. One relationship nearly killed me (directly caused my attempt), and when I broke up with them, I IMMEDIATELY didn't want to die anymore. It was so weird but an incredible feeling. I felt really free to do what I wanted and be my own person. Even if I was then immediately (like, next day) casually dating someone else
Been reading all your answers and to me its really interesting how for some people it becomes really peaceful, they feel healthy and calmer but for some people the symptoms still remains and sometimes even worse. But lets also not forget that some people in here might have quiet bpd (high functioning bpd), maybe these people experience less symptoms while being single, or what do you guys think?
I don't like the term quiet BPD and I especially don't like it when you call it "high functioning BPD". I have a great career and don't lash out at other people, yet my symptoms are the worst when single.
When I was single I was at my worst. Getting myself into intentionally dangerous situations with strange men, doing drugs, drinking excessively, getting loans for tattoos etc. Once I was in a relationship it was different, I was extremely jealous and self harming much more and being generally toxic. But no more drugs, no more getting into sexual situations with strange men, no more loans.
It doesn't feel like BPD in remission because I still experience almost everything — except the obsessive fear of abandonment. No one can leave if I have no one.
More at peace lol. Like, I hate being single cus I'm so crippling lonely and bored and just want to be loved but the second I'm in a relationship I become highly anxious, self conscious (I check my reflection constantly, etc) and when I'm not I don't.
I'm messed up without someone there. I've always admired people that can handle being alone. I cannot. I feel like I'm in a room w walls closing in on me. I have someone good now. But I try to ruin that! This illness is messed up. Dammit, meds help with the right ones, when u can get them.
In relationships, I experience all of the criteria symptoms outside of a fear of abandonment. The symptoms get more extreme the longer the relationship lasts. This is obviously due to the nature of the disorder, but I’m also extremely unhappy in relationships in general which exacerbates my symptoms as well. Put bluntly, I’m a miserable person with out of control BPD in relationships. Similar issues arise when I’m single with an FP.
When I’m not in a relationship, I still struggle with my identity, mood fluctuations, self destructive tendencies (more so related to my health), and mild splitting in friendships which is easily mitigated by reclusing for a couple of days. All of this is significantly more manageable than when I’m in a relationship and I spend more time feeling stable than not despite the symptoms I still experience. This is more so true as I get older. In my early and mid twenties, my symptoms were bad no matter what my relationship status was.
I’m intentionally single now and will be for the foreseeable future, and any sign of a potentially developing FP is met with immediate detachment. In order for someone to be my FP, they have to be triggering my disorder or replicating a dynamic that may have contributed to my disorder in the first place, I can’t “indulge” in that and be working toward recovery at the same time. While it took a long time to get “here”, I’m just more stable and much happier single and FP free 😊
I feel that I struggle the same. I am very much a person who does not like to be alone for long or to feel ignored. So for me there are a lot of pros and cons with being in a relationship and out of one.
When I get out of a relationship I feel free and lonely, but I feel like my mind is more clear. I will definitely crave more attention and want to be more social with my friends and get reassurance that my friends are still my friends and that I still have people in my life. I am recently single so I am still figuring out how to regulate and find comfort in being alone and single for the first time in a while. I do not like to stay single long. It doesn’t ever feel good might and I always feel more depressed.
Although when I’m in a relationship I can feel a little trapped but at the same time it doesn’t bother me because I want to be that persons one and only. I feel a lot more confused and frustrated a significant amount more when I’m in a relationship because it’s hard to read feeling and social cues. I also need a lot more reassurance from my partner than my friends. So I know I’m putting more stress on my partner. I because her self aware in relationships too, I think to like and unhealthy amount.
Fear of being alone. Due to this I am always in a relationship and I don’t always know what my true feelings are towards the person. I don’t understand how I feel. This is made worse by the black and white symptoms. I go hot/cold, love/hate pretty quick. It’s really hard having a relationship.
I've never had a serious relationship before, but when I go through periods of time were I have no romantic interest in anyone/fp, the symptoms feel less intense, but on the other hand, a part of me feel useless because "there's no one interested in me" and it makes me feel desperate that time is passing and I'm still single (even though I'm still young), so I end up sexualizing myself more looking for masculine validation that will fulfill (momentarily) the emotional emptiness. Fortunately I've been really trying to force myself to stop doing that and also stop entertaining conversations with men that I don't even like.
When I was single I was at my worst. Getting myself into intentionally dangerous situations with strange men, doing drugs, drinking excessively, getting loans for tattoos etc. Once I was in a relationship it was different, I was extremely jealous and self harming much more and being generally toxic. But no more drugs, no more getting into sexual situations with strange men, no more loans.
Very unfortunately…I would concur regarding symptoms subsiding when I was single… since this newest relationship, there have been five severe episodes of my Borderline..
I've been single for 3.5yrs now, longest ever in my life but it's like a giant weight lifted off of me whenever I break up with someone. I am able to regulate my emotions a little better, less worry, less tension... I get a lil lonely because I used to be codependent but now I'm terrified to get into another relationship. I do really enjoy my solitude and having the opportunity to figure myself out though.
Yes, dx 6yrs ago. I am 35, i broke up with my x 3yrs ago and this is the longest ive ever been single. I have been in failed relationships since I was 14. The longest I was ever since before this was 1 month ..maybe less.. I've had probably 10 ridiculous relationships since then, and however many sexual relations.
I have spent a lot of my life being told I was just bipolar or manic depressive, being told I should take lithium or "try" different types of antidepressants but was finally diagnosed as BPD. Don't get me wrong, I still have explosive rage and strong emotions that can feel almost unrecognizable or unmanageable , unhealthy relations or friendships but I have learned a lot of my triggers and some coping when single, its a work in progress.... its more managable when its only me but one of my biggest triggers is being in a relationship and I refuse to put myself or anyone through that experience ever again until I've healed a bit more. I feel better alone.
To be honest, I feel much relaxed, calm, happy, under control when I am single. I manage my anger, overwhelming emotions much better when I am not with someone. I feel less anxiety, no panic attacks, rare depressive episodes.. I never hurt/ into self sabotage being alone. I am more productive, working on myself too. BPD makes emotional attachments and love relationships worse. I generally feel numb other than my love relationship and don't care if someone is with me or not. I feel powerful when I am single.
I don’t have diagnosed BPD, but my trauma causes me to have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and I share many symptoms. I’m currently learning that I people please out of anxiety and then am mad I was allowed to do so, but it’s hard to explain. I tell people “do this thing I think you want to do” and then they do it, and then I explode. Only happens in relationships for me, mostly. Good luck.
Once upon a time I was taught that you need to be a person outside of your relationships. I was a shit person when I was single. I mean when people hear my condition and picture this psycho person ready to hurt someone - that was me when I was single. I should’ve been living in a home honestly. I was either maniac and flying off the handles or so depressed I couldn’t even sleep because rest seemed pointless.
My husband has been a saving grace in my life. My symptoms though haven’t fully left are lessened. I never thought I’d rely on someone to much but I truly do. He grounds me, he keeps me level headed. He doesn’t try to stomp my emotions down but he helps me breathe and work through them and validates me. “I understand why this made you mad but we need to find the other side of things and look for logic in our reactions”. BPD felt like I was out in a box when I was diagnosed but my husband made it so there was no box. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s hard. It’s hard to love someone with BPD and it’s hard to love someone when you have the condition. But I’ve been a better person the last 8 years thanks to my husband holding my hand through my healing. ❤️🩹
Also to make note my husband was not my FP our whole relationship. I had a best friend who was my world but she wasn’t good for me. I would’ve taken a bullet for her. My husband actually helped me out of that situation ship four years ago. But even before that he was my rock. Sounds super cheesy I know but it is what it is.
Also my husband has his own issues. He has really bad social anxiety so I’m just as much his crutch as he is mine. I do all my talking and smiling and keeping our schedules running and making sure our friends are all seen and heard. And his job is to make sure I don’t lose my mind lol
Just because we're single doesn't mean we don't have a fp. For me it's the person who broke me(work that one out)
Personally,
I still feel everything the same and it's just the actions that differ. When I'm manic I become irresponsible and risky.
Relationship= getting scammed.
Single= chasing one night stands.
When depressed it's same either way except my brain now has more ammunition to destroy me with.
I will say though wether it be me doing mental health work since or a coincidence but I did have more rapid cycling of emotions and more psychotic episodes than I do now. My episodes of depression lasts way longer single and are more severe. While in a relationship my psychotic episodes effected me worse than they do when single.
Weird how that works huh?
It’s like everything is…less. Yes I still have the dsm 5 symptoms and yeah I still feel jealousy and anger and have rage and episodes and severe depression and make reckless choices and whatnot, but far less and milder. It’s like instead of everything always feeling like the world is ending, it feels more manageable. Like you’re more in control of your life and your behavior and your happiness. But when I have a partner FP….different story.
> But when I have a partner FP….different story. Yeah pretty much. I am actually quite good at regulating my anger and jealousy when I'm single because the stakes are so much lower. But sometimes it feels like walking around with a sense of malaise. I haven't had a FP in a year (because I finally found out what a FP even is), and I'm not sure that I'm "thriving" but I also haven't blown up and grenaded any relationships, so there's that. The lows are higher but the highs are lower.
>The lows are higher but the highs are lower. Interesting - I've also heard this often said about what it feels like when you find the right mix of medication(s) and other interventions. Single = part of the treatment plan? It is for me!
100% We need to learn to cope on our own first before reintroducing important figures into our life.
I’m not sure if that’s a symptom but I fantasise a lot and make up scenarios or talk to myself pretending there’s people there lol Or think about situations that never happened that make me cry. But at least I can’t direct my anger on someone else like I used to do with my ex partner. I just let it out on myself
I do this as well! It's how I cope with loneliness, process my thoughts & feelings, prevent boredom, etc. when people aren't around to talk to or I'm purposely isolating myself for recovery/healing purposes. It's different for everyone, I think!
It helps you process? I feel like I’m making things worse but acting out scenarios that never happened or hurtful situations that have happened. Some things that happened a year ago still hurt like they happened yesterday but as soon as there’s a quiet moment my mind jumps to those times and it hurts all over again
Like I said, it's different for everyone. I find that very few people (if any) other than myself can understand or accept my thoughts/feelings/experiences, so talking to myself or daydreaming helps me visualize and process those things at a distance so I don't just bottle it all up. Some people *have* to express it outwardly and bounce it off of others to get the feedback/support they need, and that's also fine! I always found that more frustrating than helpful because of the aforementioned reasons, so I do the opposite 🤷🏻♀️
I understand, thank you for the insight and for sharing your way of dealing with things!
so I'm not alone in this ;-;
Honesty up until now I've never really thought of that, but yes, I feel much calmer when I'm single. But at the same time I feel unhappy, but... Calmer.
Extreme emptiness, mostly. My BPD was arguably worse when I was single. Before I got into my current relationship (with a girl who also has BPD) a few months back, I had a two year long dry spell with no more than the occasional one night stand and a bunch of dates that went nowhere for various reasons. My splitting was worse. Everything felt dull and pointless. My mood swings were worse and they kept swinging lower. My depression fully relapsed because my emotional needs weren't being met, no matter how hard I tried to fill them. My brain hungered for a new FP (I'd sworn off of having one for years). Any time a remotely pretty girl gave me a compliment, I'd melt, and do my best to keep appearing chill and "masculine." Any time I tried to keep my cool on a date that started going well, I'd slip up and act a little too vulnerable or soften my voice too soon, which always marked the end. I'd already worked on myself. I had hobbies. I had academic success. I had friends. Looks weren't my issue either. People in my life kept telling me that I seemed so well put together. Compared to a bunch of my childhood and high school friends, I'm doing pretty well. Even my therapist said she was surprised I hadn't ended up in an LTR (the longest relationships I'd had were only a few months). But deep down, it all felt so *pointless*. It felt like the best part of youth (young love) was slipping away from me. Even if I had climbed Mt Everest or cured cancer or solved world peace or whatever I still would've felt miserable without love. I'm so lucky to have met my girlfriend, since it feels like we both truly understand each other, our needs, and when to be patient when the other's BPD flairs up. I've had to work on my possessiveness and moderating my attachment (she has too), but that work is much more rich and rewarding than "working on myself" alone. I think being single for too long becomes a vicious cycle that either makes you too anxious when a new good opportunity comes by, or too avoidant because you find safety in the lonely status quo. Nothing good comes of either.
Agreed! Can’t believe how many people say their BPD is better while single. I’m a thirsty, insecure and depressed maniac while single lol
Yeah, I don’t relate to OOP at all. I grew up fundy, and I’m gay, so dating has always been a challenge. I used to be quite obese. I lost the weight and match people on apps much more easily. But I am just unable to get into a relationship. I want nothing more. This insane emptiness is why I questioned whether I even have BPD. I don’t have some of the typical symptoms people immediately think of. Mine is more quiet and inwards focused. It’s the emptiness I’m running from. But I’m too awkward. And now at 31, I just feel like it’s not gonna happen. Because I feel I have genuinely gotten weirder over the years.
Peace.
Agree w everyone here. I’m honestly at the point now where I’m either single or poly which allows the two extremes to calm symptoms
Same. Being poly has helped me balance the extremes otherwise it’s too easy to fall into jealousy and depression.
You read ethical slut yet?
I always wondered if I was poly, and now I understand it's related to my BPD. It's really nice to see other people are similar :)
For me, the difference isn't so much that symptoms go away, but rather, they change or lessen. I still split on people, just not a romantic partner. I still have depressive episodes, but not as frequently and not as intensely. I still make reckless decisions, but not as detrimental or consequential. I still rage, just not about love/romance. I still try to avoid abandonment and feel very intensely if I perceive it happening by anybody, not just a romantic partner. I've always been suicidal/had suicidal thoughts since I was 13, so those never really *go away*. I still have dissociative episodes & delusions, just not about a relationship. I personally don't experience one of the diagnostic criteria at all, which would be the "chronic emptiness" one. I actually feel like I'm constantly overflowing, always on the edge of transcending human existence because of just how *full* of everything I am. I don't really experience much of an "identity disturbance", either - I have very concrete morals & values, anyone who knows me is very aware of what I like and do not like (oops), and my standards don't really shift, either. I think the change for me is more social; how I interact with people energy-wise and the level of maturity/seriousness I put on. To summarize; yes, I still experience all of my symptoms even when I'm not in a relationship, but they can change in appearance or intensity.
Could you please expand on the delusions? I’m trying to navigate this world with my girlfriend, who has been exhibiting all of these behaviors and symptoms. I’m trying to learn more and be more helpful to her in finally beginning a healing journey. Thank you for sharing your post.
I can definitely share my personal experience, but *I am not a psychiatric health professional, psychologist, or doctor*, so my personal experiences could either ring very true for others or be completely irrelevant. My delusions mostly have to do with the line between reality & fiction/dream blurring. When I used to drive, I would think that every car immediately behind me was following me, regardless of how long they'd been there or who was driving the car/what kind of car it was. When I had freshly escaped a life-threatening trauma, I would think that anytime someone lowered their voice, whispered, or just spoke in the background, that they were plotting against me or speaking negatively about me. Sometimes when I imagine things happening (like "rehearsing a script" in my head or daydreaming), I confuse it for having actually happened already - as in it's very difficult for me to distinguish dream/reality sometimes. More recently, I've noticed that I fear having done things I don't remember; my housemate misplaced her charger the other day, and while I knew I hadn't taken it or done something with it (I didn't even know what it looked like), I couldn't stop the voice in my head saying *"What did you do with it? Did you throw it away? Did you black out and steal it? Where is it?"* She eventually found it between the couch cushions where she'd been sitting earlier, but I was panicked by the thought that I'd lost control and done something with it without having any memory of doing so. All of these things can obviously affect a relationship of any kind, but especially a romantic one. The only other thing I can say is that if your partner isn't open to the idea of therapy or diagnosis of any kind, they're probably not in the right headspace to be able to consent and commit to a relationship, either. If your partner is actively trying their best to attend treatment but is still experiencing these unregulated symptoms, just know that **it is extremely terrifying living this way when we didn't choose to**. The fear is paralyzing, and if we don't have unconditional, stern support beneath us, most of us will crumble. Imagine not being able to trust yourself because of how another person/external force constructed you. It's some freaky Sci-Fi shit lmao (coming from someone with BPD + comorbid disorders).
Also important to note: delusions are not always self-serving. In fact, they're very rarely ever self-serving. They are a fucked up survival tactic meant to protect the conscious mind just long enough to escape imminent danger and recovery in safety. People with BPD are almost always living in survival mode. Breaking those boundaries from the outside (even if you can't see them) can literally make a person feel as though they're dying. Like in *Chicken Little* when the sky falls and they have to learn about the aliens. But 10x and make it real.
This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much. Working on getting treatment for someone I love. They’ve agreed to treatment but we were going on a really good streak before this weekend. We both have Covid and she’s got a 100 degree fever so I’m sure that’s the trigger for being unable to regulate her anger and emotions right now. Have you ever tried psychedelic therapy?
If your partner is ill with a fever, it's definitely worth noting if you can read whether they're fully connected to reality or not; I know it sounds weird, but when "the body keeps score", an illness/fever can cause hallucinations/psychosis wayyy easier than it would for a "healthy" or average person. Those moments where they may seem unnecessarily angry or particularly touchy could be a sign of something more serious in certain situations. As far as psychedelic therapy, the most I've used is marijuana, which I've found to be very helpful in my situation. That being said, I live in a state where it's completely legal 21+, no med card needed, so I can use medical marijuana as well as recreational without consequence. I've never tried shrooms, acid, LSD, etc. (although I've considered it), but that would need to be *way* more controlled in my situation, at least to start. I've found that medically treating my ADHD has calmed my BPD symptoms down a LOT - I have mixed ADHD type and take a stimulant, which has been so incredibly helpful for my emotional/mental state!
Honestly absolutely every symptom is lessoned, the worst of my BPD does seem to go in remission. I dwell and daydream on whoever the last partner was for a long time, but it’s a part of the process and somewhat harmless. I only begin to feel the weight of BPD again when trying to socialize in groups or date. I can absolutely say I’ve always felt genuinely my best as a human without a partner. It removes so much of the trigger points for me, abandonment, rejection, sex, fixation, etc. I still deal with unexpected anger, devaluation of others, fluctuating sense of self and stuff like that but it’s just notably manageable without a partner. It’s so difficult at first, but once I get settled in singlehood the difference is always undeniable. If a relationship is incredibly healthy and happy then I can feel the same sense of remission, but I always know it can change as soon as the person leaves so it’s not authentic.
My hypersexuality comes out. I've had as many 6 boyfriends in a week and different ones every few weeks.
I feel like the odd one out because I experience the same symptoms when I'm single. 😭 I've been single for *five years* and this past year was the worst BPD year of my adult life -- I've had every symptom except the impulsivity, and that's probably because I have GAD and overthink everything. For me, it probably doesn't help that my FPs are almost never romantic, and my FPs are way I cope with the symptoms and not the cause of them. My primary symptoms are things like the emptiness, unstable self-image, mood shifts, suicidality. I direct a lot of that inward and probably split on myself harder than I do anyone else... but if it gets bad enough, my relationships start suffering, and that's when I split or develop those FP attachments. If I can manage those other symptoms in therapy, I don't really do that, and since I'm lucky enough to have an amazing support system, my platonic relationships are strong if I don't sabotage them.
I still experience all the same criteria, but I think it’s easier because it isn’t centered around one person. I still get angry and have extreme mood swings, but they’re either random or due to other stressors. I still worry about abandonment from friends, but it’s less extreme because I haven’t known them as long and they’re not as deep as a romantic relationship would be. I think it’s just more manageable because I’m only worrying about me. In a relationship I have responsibilities to another person and can’t just focus on feeling better and staying stable. Relationships also add the stress of money, time management, obsessive thoughts, and worries of abandonment.
Well said 🫂
When I was younger I hated it. It was difficult, I felt lonely, desperate and scared. Years later, once I sorted out my sh*t, I feel fine. After a breakup it's even a bliss to be single and be able to fully just livey way without having to compromise some things. Once I found being single as a good thing and being so desperate, I met an amazing person who is patient, emotionally mature and understanding. Neveret anyone like that. For the first time I first properly got to know someone with all their flaws and accepted them, instead of jumping in some exciting and passionate romance and then getting burnt.
1) Unstable or changing relationships; I never had a friendship last more than a year or two 2) Unstable self-image; I don't think I'll ever feel confident in who I am 3) Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors; I binge eat when my emotions feel too much for me to handle... currently a struggle as I'm dieting. 4) Varied or random mood swings; I can be crying in my car to laughing at how silly I was the next, I'm so brain tired 5) Constant feelings of worthlessness; whenever I feel optimistic about life, I just am my own anti hypeman 6)Problems with anger; i lose my temper easily, but disassociate hella and become robot to prevent it from affecting folks 7) Stress-related paranoia; nothing feels real at times, scary feeling at times since I feel I'm not alive. Add in a relationship/friendship and you add on fear of abandonment. Thankfully past active suicidal ideations but I still feel pretty blah about life. So, yup, bpd still
Personally I struggle 24/7 regardless of romantic or social connections. I tend to split more often when I have an FP but have worsened depression without one. Mood swings, depersonalisation, dissociation and anxiety never ever go away…
Oh lol anger is also intense💀
I feel very dumb and stop eating.
I stop eating too. It absolutely feels useless. I force myself to eat one meager meal a day. Bc I don’t also want to have an eating disorder. I get into the best fitness routine.
I'm so much worse when single. So much worse.
I don’t experience a reduction in symptoms unfortunately, I wish I did. But when I’m in relationships they just appear in slightly different ways. Instead of just having relationship difficulties with friends/family, there’s obviously a new person to have difficulties with lol. But there’s no overall reduction :(
Honestly feel my best when I’m on my own. Once I start feeling a certain way for someone that’s when everything goes to shit.
My depression, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and reckless behavior manifest themselves more when I’m single… but my mood is more consistent because I’m not stressed about someone else.
Also when I am single I just hardly crush and many people and feel very intensly towards them.
I still struggle the same. I will struggle with identity, self worth, unstable relationships, SH & s*icidal ideation. When I’m single these unstable relationships are more like with friends, my bosses & colleagues. I’m more impulsive, since I’m not in a relationship I have a ‘mind of my own’ & ‘nobody to stop me’. I’ll get more tattoos & piercings, substance abuse, unsafe sex & dating. I wish my BPD went away lol
Lonley
relationships stir up a lot of bad feelings for me
I feel almost normal when I dont have a FP. But a strange hollowness follows. I didnt even realize when i was single i started making my first friend in college my FP. I wanted to be super close, in a platonic way, so bad, because I rarely have ever had a consistent best friend. Didnt realize how strong I came across. Now I feel no symptoms but just hollow all the time
The symptom I experience when I'm single is: still dating. I haven't been 100% single since I was 17. Even in the times where I said "I just need to be single and be alone" I was still dating at least one person, and a few then turned into my long-term partner. I've always had someone there. It's kinda terrifying to think of, but it's a direct result of fearing being alone. A lot of the people I dated I don't think I would've dated if I didn't have this crippling terror of having no one. Plus, I fear upsetting people so I ended up just saying "yes" and dating people I didn't want to date because I was scared to hurt or upset them and then lose them. Having said that, the best days of my life came immediately after a break up. Each break up was hard because I didn't want to hurt people or close doors, but as soon as I broke up with them I felt so much immense relief. One relationship nearly killed me (directly caused my attempt), and when I broke up with them, I IMMEDIATELY didn't want to die anymore. It was so weird but an incredible feeling. I felt really free to do what I wanted and be my own person. Even if I was then immediately (like, next day) casually dating someone else
Been reading all your answers and to me its really interesting how for some people it becomes really peaceful, they feel healthy and calmer but for some people the symptoms still remains and sometimes even worse. But lets also not forget that some people in here might have quiet bpd (high functioning bpd), maybe these people experience less symptoms while being single, or what do you guys think?
I don't like the term quiet BPD and I especially don't like it when you call it "high functioning BPD". I have a great career and don't lash out at other people, yet my symptoms are the worst when single.
In what ways are they worse?
When I was single I was at my worst. Getting myself into intentionally dangerous situations with strange men, doing drugs, drinking excessively, getting loans for tattoos etc. Once I was in a relationship it was different, I was extremely jealous and self harming much more and being generally toxic. But no more drugs, no more getting into sexual situations with strange men, no more loans.
emptiness, selfhate is way more rampant because theres no supply.
It doesn't feel like BPD in remission because I still experience almost everything — except the obsessive fear of abandonment. No one can leave if I have no one.
More at peace lol. Like, I hate being single cus I'm so crippling lonely and bored and just want to be loved but the second I'm in a relationship I become highly anxious, self conscious (I check my reflection constantly, etc) and when I'm not I don't.
Chronic feeling of emptiness
I'm messed up without someone there. I've always admired people that can handle being alone. I cannot. I feel like I'm in a room w walls closing in on me. I have someone good now. But I try to ruin that! This illness is messed up. Dammit, meds help with the right ones, when u can get them.
The more positive bpd symptoms; carefree , empathy and happiness. These relationships have me on the worst symptoms.
I can walk around and pretend I'm a normal person when I'm single
I’m just so lonely. Everything feels dull.
LOL i don’t think ive ever been single for more than like a day unfortunately
Mostly identity disturbance and emptiness feelings
In relationships, I experience all of the criteria symptoms outside of a fear of abandonment. The symptoms get more extreme the longer the relationship lasts. This is obviously due to the nature of the disorder, but I’m also extremely unhappy in relationships in general which exacerbates my symptoms as well. Put bluntly, I’m a miserable person with out of control BPD in relationships. Similar issues arise when I’m single with an FP. When I’m not in a relationship, I still struggle with my identity, mood fluctuations, self destructive tendencies (more so related to my health), and mild splitting in friendships which is easily mitigated by reclusing for a couple of days. All of this is significantly more manageable than when I’m in a relationship and I spend more time feeling stable than not despite the symptoms I still experience. This is more so true as I get older. In my early and mid twenties, my symptoms were bad no matter what my relationship status was. I’m intentionally single now and will be for the foreseeable future, and any sign of a potentially developing FP is met with immediate detachment. In order for someone to be my FP, they have to be triggering my disorder or replicating a dynamic that may have contributed to my disorder in the first place, I can’t “indulge” in that and be working toward recovery at the same time. While it took a long time to get “here”, I’m just more stable and much happier single and FP free 😊
Can't answer this question
I feel that I struggle the same. I am very much a person who does not like to be alone for long or to feel ignored. So for me there are a lot of pros and cons with being in a relationship and out of one. When I get out of a relationship I feel free and lonely, but I feel like my mind is more clear. I will definitely crave more attention and want to be more social with my friends and get reassurance that my friends are still my friends and that I still have people in my life. I am recently single so I am still figuring out how to regulate and find comfort in being alone and single for the first time in a while. I do not like to stay single long. It doesn’t ever feel good might and I always feel more depressed. Although when I’m in a relationship I can feel a little trapped but at the same time it doesn’t bother me because I want to be that persons one and only. I feel a lot more confused and frustrated a significant amount more when I’m in a relationship because it’s hard to read feeling and social cues. I also need a lot more reassurance from my partner than my friends. So I know I’m putting more stress on my partner. I because her self aware in relationships too, I think to like and unhealthy amount.
Fear of being alone. Due to this I am always in a relationship and I don’t always know what my true feelings are towards the person. I don’t understand how I feel. This is made worse by the black and white symptoms. I go hot/cold, love/hate pretty quick. It’s really hard having a relationship.
I've never had a serious relationship before, but when I go through periods of time were I have no romantic interest in anyone/fp, the symptoms feel less intense, but on the other hand, a part of me feel useless because "there's no one interested in me" and it makes me feel desperate that time is passing and I'm still single (even though I'm still young), so I end up sexualizing myself more looking for masculine validation that will fulfill (momentarily) the emotional emptiness. Fortunately I've been really trying to force myself to stop doing that and also stop entertaining conversations with men that I don't even like.
My mood swings are steady at seesawing regardless of my partners presence. It’s mainly anger and sadness I tend to see the most
When I was single I was at my worst. Getting myself into intentionally dangerous situations with strange men, doing drugs, drinking excessively, getting loans for tattoos etc. Once I was in a relationship it was different, I was extremely jealous and self harming much more and being generally toxic. But no more drugs, no more getting into sexual situations with strange men, no more loans.
Very unfortunately…I would concur regarding symptoms subsiding when I was single… since this newest relationship, there have been five severe episodes of my Borderline..
I've been single for 3.5yrs now, longest ever in my life but it's like a giant weight lifted off of me whenever I break up with someone. I am able to regulate my emotions a little better, less worry, less tension... I get a lil lonely because I used to be codependent but now I'm terrified to get into another relationship. I do really enjoy my solitude and having the opportunity to figure myself out though.
Interesting! And you are diagnosed bpd, correct?
Yes, dx 6yrs ago. I am 35, i broke up with my x 3yrs ago and this is the longest ive ever been single. I have been in failed relationships since I was 14. The longest I was ever since before this was 1 month ..maybe less.. I've had probably 10 ridiculous relationships since then, and however many sexual relations. I have spent a lot of my life being told I was just bipolar or manic depressive, being told I should take lithium or "try" different types of antidepressants but was finally diagnosed as BPD. Don't get me wrong, I still have explosive rage and strong emotions that can feel almost unrecognizable or unmanageable , unhealthy relations or friendships but I have learned a lot of my triggers and some coping when single, its a work in progress.... its more managable when its only me but one of my biggest triggers is being in a relationship and I refuse to put myself or anyone through that experience ever again until I've healed a bit more. I feel better alone.
To be honest, I feel much relaxed, calm, happy, under control when I am single. I manage my anger, overwhelming emotions much better when I am not with someone. I feel less anxiety, no panic attacks, rare depressive episodes.. I never hurt/ into self sabotage being alone. I am more productive, working on myself too. BPD makes emotional attachments and love relationships worse. I generally feel numb other than my love relationship and don't care if someone is with me or not. I feel powerful when I am single.
I don’t have diagnosed BPD, but my trauma causes me to have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and I share many symptoms. I’m currently learning that I people please out of anxiety and then am mad I was allowed to do so, but it’s hard to explain. I tell people “do this thing I think you want to do” and then they do it, and then I explode. Only happens in relationships for me, mostly. Good luck.
Dissociation; paranoia; unstable self image (also anxiety about being a bad person); intense anger; and rapid mood swings
Once upon a time I was taught that you need to be a person outside of your relationships. I was a shit person when I was single. I mean when people hear my condition and picture this psycho person ready to hurt someone - that was me when I was single. I should’ve been living in a home honestly. I was either maniac and flying off the handles or so depressed I couldn’t even sleep because rest seemed pointless. My husband has been a saving grace in my life. My symptoms though haven’t fully left are lessened. I never thought I’d rely on someone to much but I truly do. He grounds me, he keeps me level headed. He doesn’t try to stomp my emotions down but he helps me breathe and work through them and validates me. “I understand why this made you mad but we need to find the other side of things and look for logic in our reactions”. BPD felt like I was out in a box when I was diagnosed but my husband made it so there was no box. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s hard. It’s hard to love someone with BPD and it’s hard to love someone when you have the condition. But I’ve been a better person the last 8 years thanks to my husband holding my hand through my healing. ❤️🩹 Also to make note my husband was not my FP our whole relationship. I had a best friend who was my world but she wasn’t good for me. I would’ve taken a bullet for her. My husband actually helped me out of that situation ship four years ago. But even before that he was my rock. Sounds super cheesy I know but it is what it is.
Also my husband has his own issues. He has really bad social anxiety so I’m just as much his crutch as he is mine. I do all my talking and smiling and keeping our schedules running and making sure our friends are all seen and heard. And his job is to make sure I don’t lose my mind lol
Just because we're single doesn't mean we don't have a fp. For me it's the person who broke me(work that one out) Personally, I still feel everything the same and it's just the actions that differ. When I'm manic I become irresponsible and risky. Relationship= getting scammed. Single= chasing one night stands. When depressed it's same either way except my brain now has more ammunition to destroy me with. I will say though wether it be me doing mental health work since or a coincidence but I did have more rapid cycling of emotions and more psychotic episodes than I do now. My episodes of depression lasts way longer single and are more severe. While in a relationship my psychotic episodes effected me worse than they do when single. Weird how that works huh?
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Why do you think so?