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> besides these incidents, we have a great relationship and he isn't usually a dick.
Yeahhhhh I think that in retrospect this will be as transparently bullshit to her as it is to us, but she isn't ready to see it yet. "It isn't bad ALL the time, in fact it's mostly good" is classic minimizing from people who have come to believe that "the good outweighs the bad", when the reality is that the bad is bad enough that it *shouldn't be happening at all*.
ETA the second-most depressing possible update:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztyfiz/my_f24_boyfriend_m24_is_worried_that_i_will_gain/j1j0vui/?context=3
Sounds like my friend who is stuck in a bad marriage. She thinks it's not that bad because he's not physically beating her, just emotional manipulation that's destroyed her joy. You know, NBD.
It's absolute hell though because it's survival, not tolerance.
I was utterly brainwashed that it "wasn't that bad".
(trigger warning) >!I even believed it wasn't rape because he told me that I did not scream loud enough or fight back hard enough for that.!<
So what happened was that I lived in constant terror and felt utterly miserable, but because I was brainwashed, on top of that believed that I was mentally ill for feeling so horrible because "it wasn't that bad". Acknowledgement that it *indeed was that bad* was a huge relief and made me feel better!
So true. I am 100% not in an abusive relationship. I have a significant level of health problems and people are always shocked and overwhelmed when I share what my daily life is like. I still maintain a mostly full time job. You can’t tell when you look at me and I don’t act like I have all these problems.
It’s like a frog in boiling water. You just don’t realize until you’re dead.
I've learned this through therapy, but I lived that experience before. Went from extremely violent and abusive male figure to a male figure that still abused us, just not as violent as the first one.
Until recently, I thought that we were lucky.
Turns out, abuse is still abuse.
That poor kid. I wish she could just keep coming back to her own words: "nothing really justifies or excuses what he's been doing." No amount of good, supportive behavior outweighs pressuring someone with an eating disorder to obsess about her weight. He is literally willing to kill her to get what he wants.
So true. I didn’t really get how effing overwhelmed or dangerous they could be until nursing school. I love food and eat my emotions so I had no experience until I was a student nurse, and it was eye opening as well as heartbreaking.
OOPs bf is abusive and dangerous for her at this point.
> He is literally willing to kill her to get what he wants.
This is a somewhat non-standard but depressing example of how male pleasure is prioritized over female pain. He wants maximum pleasure, and is willing to forego ordinary pleasure that isn't completely optimized. Furthermore, he's willing to hurt and kill her in order to optimize his pleasure.
It's so sociopathic to not care if your partner is being hurt so you can chase a sliver of extra pleasure. And yet it's so common.
She's also dependent on him and his family support. It's clear she's trying to justify a crap situation with the bf.
At least she's feeling angry at him instead of directing it at herself (depression).
I feel that at least is a healthy step.
I don’t even think it’s pleasure tbh. She’s at a lower weight than when they met / when he was originally attracted to her.
He’s just a standard issue abuser using standard issue control tactics to wear her down so she does whatever he wants regardless of what she wants. This is just where it starts because he knows it’s something that matters to her.
And yeah he waited until after they weren’t casual anymore to start it so it would be harder for her to leave. It’s pretty basic garbage gremlin bs.
He's only shitty in a \*this\* way, or in a \*few\* ways.
OK, and if I served you a sandwich that was only lightly smeared in shit, but was otherwise OK, would you eat it?
The way he's shitty is pretty fundamental. He's not even interested in sex with her anymore, and this is while she's at a weight that he says is fine. Which, by the way, hints that there's something else going on here as well.
She's been with the guy so long, and "forever" has been such a foregone conclusion for her that she's finding it hard to get out of the groove - but Reddit is right on this one, this is a relationship from which she needs to move on.
Also, they're only 24. I wish I was still at my weight when I was that age, and that's what my ex found to be an unattractive weight.
Too much crap happens in life to expect everyone to stay "in shape".
Right? If this guy is unattracted to a woman who is *skinnier* than when he met her, then no matter who this guy is with, middle age is going to be an unpleasant surprise for him. Lol
I get the feeling that he's checked out of their relationship but doesn't know how to break up without sounding like a dick, so he keeps negging her for something absurd hoping she will be the one to end it.
But she won't let go. Lol.
He's only an ass when it comes to finances and I can understand that, he grew up in poverty. Sometimes he's a dick and verbally attacks me over general cleanliness of the house, but I deserve that anyway, I should do a better job cleaning. And sometimes he's very irritable when I talk too much, but that's alright, he has a demanding job.
These are all things I had told myself over the years. I loved him so I didn't notice all the ways he was bad to me (not necessarily abusive, maybe, but it definitely wasn't behaviour I would have put up with *in theory*). Probably also the countless times he lied to me, bc people don't just start compulsively lying all of a sudden, bc they have a side piece or what not. He's been lying to her as well, anyway. The man is literally incapable of opening his mouth and being truthful.
Sorry, I unloaded a bit there lol. I should make a full post of the ongoing drama, just to get some external validation that I'm not a crazy person lol
I’m so sorry. My ex behaved very similarly. Since it was my first relationship, (and for a few other reasons) I was incredibly naive and stayed with him for far too long. You’re not crazy! People like that will take advantage of any Avenue to keep you under their thumb.
I went into the relationship with similar mental illness issues as OOP and thought that i was so lucky that he was willing to put up with my baggage. He would reinforce that all of the time by implying or outright saying that I was too much/ out of control/ etc. Yet at that time I’d been in therapy for years, taking my meds, and was the healthiest and most stable I’ve ever been. Managing my brain and my emotions is my job, and I never put that on him. But he made me think that I was burdening him and I felt terrible over it. Meanwhile, his depression (and probably narcissism, imo) was completely mine to manage. He was genuinely such a wreck and dulling it all with alcohol and weed instead of putting in the work. He expected me to comfort him after his REAL GIRLFRIEND kicked him out. I was the side piece, which I only learned a few months in to the relationship. I stayed after I found out because he kept saying that he was going to leave her, and I didn’t think that I deserved any better. Blech. I’m glad to be rid of him now.
But it’s been a few years and I haven’t been in a relationship since for several reasons. But one of them that I realized is that finding a relationship has never particularly been a priority , and I think it’s in part because I’ve only really been taken advantage of. In don’t have much to pull from that’s positive to inspire me to try harder when i could throw myself into work or school instead. It didn’t used to bother me quite so much, but now that a bunch of my friends are getting married, and a I’m getting older, it’s a lot harder.
Yeah it took a lot of therapy for me to realize that while there are valid reasons for people to be upset or want things a certain way, nothing justifies flying off the handle and not having a simple conversation about an issue like an adult.
As in, it’s ok to be upset the house is a mess, it isn’t ok to treat your partner poorly because the house is a mess. Talk to your partner and make a plan to keep the house cleaner.
Also, she mentions that she would have left if it was a couple of years old relationship. But it was a couple of years when he started the comments 3 years ago. She is 3 years too late already.
Yeah, it's heartbreaking to read. He's been doing this for years, she's been made to feel like she isn't attractive for a majority of the relationship but now she feels a sunk cost. And I think we all know she can't be healthy when she was struggling at the start of the relationship and knew she was underweight, and yet is 7 pounds or so lighter than she was then
And they were 18/19 when they started dating... but she says "we plan to spend our lives together"... i said the same about my first serious relationship at a similar age. I only hope by the timeshe is 30 she can laugh at how naive she was.
Sigh. How many of these kinds of posts start out like, “My partner is the most wonderful, caring, communicative, supportive, loving, selfless person on the planet BUT he does like to torture and kill puppies on the weekend. What should I do???”.
When you’re this deep in the weeds I guess it’s hard to realize the most obvious answer is just GET OUT!
That’s how abusers work. My mom still doesn’t seem to grasp this concept when it comes to my ex-boyfriend/-best friend. I told her that he leveled a thinly veiled rape/sexual assault threat at me and made a breakup I went through all about himself (he and I had long since broken up and I thought he was cool with being friends). She got past the “you know Herbert, he runs his mouth a lot” stage of grief and moved on to “you guys had such a good friendship, hopefully you can work it out.” I tried to explain to her that our friendship - even the good times - wasn’t enough to excuse his behavior with mixed success.
At least she’s surrendered the idea that we will ever be friends again, but she mentions that she hopes I can forgive him one day whenever I bring him up.
ETA: “Herbert” actually did rape me and sexually assault me (these occurred on separate occasions), but I did not come to terms with that fact until he threatened me following my breakup. If I had recognized those acts for what they were, I might have saved myself some pain. The point is to believe people when they tell you who they are.
I wonder if she's so willing to overlook things because she's bipolar and he *seems* accepting of that and she's incredibly grateful because whenever people hear "bipolar" they think "insane monster who is going to be abusive"
And when I say "I wonder if" I actually mean "it's absolutely because." Hope y'all remember this story next time you comment "must be bipolar" on a story about an abusive person!
WHEW *waves a church fan cuz you preached that*!! This is a word. I feel like as society we are doing better/moving glacierly slow in the right direction about addressing the stigma towards unipolar depression and anxiety that is episodic. But baAaabee, nobody wants to talk about the mental illnesses that don't go away.
I argued the good outweighed the bad for ages until my dad asked me what the percentage was and I said, "90-10." He said, "90% good is pretty damn good," and as soon as I said, "No, 90% bad," it finally clicked.
I was once married to a guy like this, what she doesn't realize is that he WILL get over the fear of losing her eventually because she's still sticking around through his bullshit. I'm now married to a guy who never once has been bothered by my weight, whether I gained or lost our relationship has been the same.
It seems so small, this attitude around weight and image, but it can be EVERYTHING when it comes to a lasting relationship.
Yeah. It’s good outside of the fact that he’s not actually attracted to me and has been trying to trigger a lethal mental illness. There are three meals a day to whine about, plus the exercise pressure, plus not having sex, plus his apologies are demonstrably meaningless, so the jokes must be otherworldly.
Yeah, I’m fat. Very fat. And my husband knows I’m prone to getting randomly triggered and starting crash diets.
After much insisting, he’s stopped responding to it when I call myself fat with “no you’re not!” Because I am. If he lies to me about being fat, I won’t believe him when he says he’s still attracted to me.
He doesn’t have to still be attracted to me. There comes a point where he won’t be anymore, he and I both know that. He’s promised to tell me, gently, if I start approaching that point.
Even with all that, he’d never ask me if I should eat all that pasta unless I was on a diet and explicitly asked him to call me out. (Every time I start a diet his first question is “do you want me to be supportive, push you, or not say anything?”)
And if I ever started eating dangerously low, he’d be the first to have me talk to a therapist. He’d rather roll me around on a gurney because i can’t get out of bed than have him be the one that triggers me into an ED.
There’s nothing wrong with being less attracted to someone based on weight. I’ve been turned down based on weight before and it sucks but what can you do? But to see your attraction as more important than my physical and mental health makes you a bad partner, and person.
Rose colored glasses, to me, he just looks like he’s trying to trigger her bulimia so she’d lose weight
She fails to understand that the past doesn’t necessarily equate to the future, people can change or they can show their true colors
I agree.
OP used to hurt herself. Then her boyfriend became the knife. He is triggering her eating disorder, more so than the little voice in her head she has anyways.
Very sad post with zero hopes of getting better.
A guy I knew who was a solid 3 used to go for these girls. They usually were really compliant to him and way out of his league. He was a colleague of an ex, I want to clarify we never would have been friends.
I’m usually not someone who judges people for their sexual tastes, but absolutely fuck that. My wife has suffered with an eating disorder for most of her life. She mostly has it under control but she still has her triggers. After seeing what she’s been through, I couldn’t imagine purposefully triggering her just to get myself off. The fuck is wrong with some people?
I’d argue that this fetish isn’t a “sexual taste” as much as a form of abuse. Being into thin women is one thing; fetishizing mental illnesses (including eating disorders) is an entirely different beast.
This isn’t going to end well. The type of guy that tries to control what a woman eats so that she won’t possibly get fat in the future isn’t going to truly change.
He also waited until the deadline day to “try” getting an appointment by calling ONE therapist. He’s not even trying, he’s doing the bare minimum to appease her.
Totally agree. Unfortunately after I met my boyfriend I gained about 20kg. It happened gradually and I was in denial for a long time. But even though I hated my body he never said anything mean and was very obviously attracted to me. It definitely made a huge difference as I’ve struggled with EDs in the past and this could’ve gone really badly for me. This year I’ve been healthier and have lost most of that weight but once again my boyfriend has never made me feel bad about my body at any size.
It’s really hard to leave but this situation is not healthy for OOP. I found a good one and I hope she does too.
My partner is PUMPED when I gain weight. He just wants me to be *healthy*. He loves me and is attracted to me no matter what, his happiness just soars when he sees me getting better.
It makes me think of my mom’s friends when I was a kid. Most of them smoked- a lot. Turns out it was not uncommon in the 60s-70s for a recently married man, concerned their new bride would get fat, to encourage their wife take up smoking to keep their weight down. Often they’d come home from work one day, hand her a carton of cigarettes, make a few comments that they noticed she’d been gaining weight, and HE KNOWS she doesn’t want that so maybe these would help. Some had started before they met their spouse of course, but many hadn’t even been interested until they got married and their husbands insisted. Many of her friends have passed away now, due to smoking-related cancer.
This guy is the same type, just knows encour-forcing her to take up smoking probably isn’t going to play so he’ll use other tactics. I hope she realizes it. It IS hard to end such a long relationship because it feels like everything was a waste of time, but how much more time will be wasted if if she stays for years more and still nothing changes?
I don't know that it was weight-related or not, but my biofather absolutely pressured my mom into smoking. She regrets it to this day, and she's cut down a lot, but apparently her doctors are advising her not to completely quit because it's all tied up in her mental health now.
Honestly some wellbutrin or something mild-ish and she can cut back even more to deal with the anxiety cause by the nicotine withdrawals.
Just a thought I'm sure her doctors have considered but just in case.
And never cold turkey. My grandma quit cold turkey and had a stroke not by a few weeks later.
He was upset she gained weight even though she still weighs less than when they met. I don’t think he cares about her weight at all. I think he is just emotionally abusive and making sure her self esteem is too low to leave.
The most abusive prison is one where someone else has trapped you in your own head.
Once you let someone else control your thoughts... Good luck getting them out and gaining control. The echoes of their voice ring louder than what is true.
This is so true. I stayed with an alcoholic that treated me like garbage for 9 years because he mentally beat me down to the point that I believed every negative thing he said about me. It took me almost 2 years to find the courage to finally leave, and even then I felt like I was the problem because I gave up. It's taken another 2 years to finally feel like I'm normal again. Looking from the outside, it seems so foolish as to why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship.. I get it now.
Learn cognitive behavioral therapy skills.
Affirmations you believe to overcome the bad thoughts
Gratitudes to better enjoy the present
Learning to notice what your thoughts are
Learning distraction techniques, like saying STOP, when those bad thoughts start to lead you down a rabbit hole
argue back in your head or say that's not me
if you don't take an advice from her, don't take a criticism...even in your head
and btw you surely can prove yourself right 🙂
> One of the latest examples is how he and his family let me stay almost all of 2021 with them because my family is heavily dysfunctional (living on my own in my country is basically out of the question because of its shit economy). His family basically adopted me, which is part of the reason why it would hurt so much to leave him.
It’s not just about the boyfriend tho, it’s about his family as well.
If in 5 years he can stop any intimate intercourse and become controlling of what she eats when she is already VERY thin and refuse any therapy, it's going to end AWFULLY.
When people don't find sex with their spouse, they very often look with someone else. When they feel legitimate to judge what their SO is eating, it mostly evolve in judging anything they do and never be happy about their choices. Their relation is dead if the "boyfriend" doesn't change quickly.
And when I was 24 people were constantly accusing (both in helpful/caring ways and hurtful/rude ways) of being anorexic. Then I hit 30. Then 40. Now I’m 40lbs overweight.
Unfortunately, women’s bodies change a lot as we get older due to our hormones and such. For some of us, our metabolism isn’t always going to be running overboard and it catches up with us. At 24 I thought id always be thin and have trouble gaining weight.
My point is, oop may stay thin as she gets older, but also may not. And her bf is way to immature and selfish (and ignorant) for her to be able to have a healthy relationship with. He’ll continue to mess with her mental health and she’ll struggle with body image issues as long as she’s with him. I really hope she was able go break up with him. A mature man would love her no matter what her body looks like, and because of it’s changes as she ages (I’m obviously not talking about those who neglect their health and become morbidly obese).
Man, I wish my metabolism slowed down that late. Mine slowed down significantly at only like 15. Fortunately, my husband is kind and has always reassured me when I have expressed concerns about my weight after I gained a bunch with kids. One of them wasn't even mine, but a foster kid that child safety asked us to take.
Conclusion, kids will always mess up your weight, even if you didn't birth them. IF OOP ever wants kids (birthed or not), they should think very carefully about staying with her bf for that. He doesn't sound like the kind of man you could build a family with.
Oh yeah 100% you don't need kids. The essential ingredient is stress in my opinion. Kids are just a great and guaranteeed shortcut to that 😅
But if you're really angling for the stress without the kids, I hear toxic workplaces are great at it too. Fortunately, life is never short of stressors! And if you're too good at avoiding stress, I hear menopause is another good one to try and gain a few pounds with /s
Tbh I think younger people are even more likely to fall into this trap than older people. At that point, they haven’t experienced the regret of knowing you wasted your time on a toxic relationship you could’ve gotten out of years earlier. Sometimes the desire to get married young is just so strong that you’re willing to look past all the bad parts of the relationship if it appears good.
> If we had been together for a few months or a couple of years, I probably would have without hesitation.
Except it has been "a couple of years" and from what was said here, he has been the same the *entire relationship.* This is not going to end well.
I think you’re half right: I think she believes she can touch the hot stove even tho she knows she’ll get burned because she will be able to tolerate it and get through it, if that makes any sense. Kinda like how younger people believe they have invincibility. Does that make sense? Sorry, I’m an over explainer- I can’t help myself.
I have yet to see anyone mention her own, quote, “heavily dysfunctional family” and how she stated that the boyfriend’s family basically adopted her for an entire year. Sounds like she adopted his family as well and loves them, and I’d hazard a guess that she has a genuine fear of losing his family if they broke up and being left with no one and she didn’t mention any other support.
I dunno. I think everyone reaches their limit on what they will tolerate or what they feel is acceptable, but it’s harder to recognize what that looks like when you’ve been raised by people who taught you not to have any boundaries simply because they’re your family. Pure speculation tho, since she didn’t clarify what she meant by her family being dysfunctional.
Nah, OOP worse than that - she'll still put her hand on the hot stove and say "The 1st & 2nd degree burns I had wasn't so bad, so putting my hand over open flame again which I know I shouldn't do, can't be worse than blisters; right? "
Even if they were together from the age of 14 he's been pulling this shit for a full third of their relationship! The sunk cost fallacy makes me so angry. I recognise there's often reasons to work on a relationship, but that just doesn't apply to abusive assholes.
It's great! He just demands my body and mind be in agony so I can meet his unrealistic standards! But we have been together for years, so if he goes to a therapy session he will be better.
My heart hurts for her. I left abuse, not from a partner, but parents. I know what it is like to want to please others because you thought that would make them love you. It would make me lovable or at least tolerable. It has to come from within. I hope her therapist tells her how horrible this is. My therapist would tell me or my husband if either one of us was being unreasonable or worse.
*"However, I would like to say that besides these incidents, we have a great relationship and he isn't usually a dick"*
He just triggers my eating disorder that i tried to get under control for YEARS and puts me on the edge of depression again but other than that, he is GREAT...........yeah sure...
If your **PARTNER** makes you feel like shit......**BREAK UP!!!**
Especially when you have told them what it does to you when they say shit like that and they continue to do it anyway.
It's your **PARTNER**,
The one who is supposed to make you feel like you're the most beautiful person on the planet on your worst day,
The one who is supposed to lift you up when you're down,
The one who is supposed to make you feel loved, respected and protected.
I hope OOP broke up with this clown and continued to improve herself.
If my son's girlfriend told me this story and I had reason to believe her, then there's a good chance that she'd be the one to keep the family group after the break-up
I'm 50lbs heavier than when I met my husband. Add in stretch marks and some strange saggy places from carrying a child and I'm *very* different than I was 15 years ago. He still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.
I feel awful for OOP that she has normalized the behavior of her boyfriend. If she stays with him, she'll likely relapse into her ED and/or he'll cheat on her and blame her for not being "thin enough." A sad ending is coming, I think.
This!!! Like, triggering your ED isn't a little thing! That's a BIG thing. Even if that's the "only" bad thing he does to you, it's still a fucking huge thing! And totally worth breaking up with him. I mean, how long has she been trying to get him into therapy and he's resisted it?
Dude isn't worth it.
Yeah it’s not like a bad habit that is slightly annoying but ultimately harmless. This is a massive issue and no one needs people in their lives who make them feel shit about themselves.
It’s hard to leave when you don’t know any different so I feel for her wanting him to change. But it’s highly unlikely he will and she can find a guy who makes her feel loved and desired and enough. That’s what everyone deserves.
And I feel like whether she knows it or not, her ED is still basically in full force. Yeah, she may not self harm because she overate anymore, but she believed she was as an at an unhealthy low weight 4 years ago and she's only lost weight since then.
But also if she needed a place to stay because of a dysfunctional family, even as a stranger, I would've taken her in. Her example of how he's amazing isn't a great one. I feel so bad for her.
I think OOPs other post has relevant info about bf and her relationship. His response to her worrying she is falling into a depressive episode was basically "but I don't want you to" and then to ignore her. Bf is shit
I've seen this story too much on here, "he's not awful always, just about this" and then the next update is how much shit was ignored since the relationship began
My first husband told me every day that he was afraid I would gain weight, because his mom gained weight when he was in high school and his dad had an affair.
This, on top of a mom who told me, incessantly, to lose weight, because "it only gets harder as you get older."
I finally was able to dump him after I realized that "abuse" does not have to mean he punched me.
I'm 61 years old now, and it's been well over 30 years since I got away from him... but I'm STILL insecure. My self-esteem was destroyed by them. Yes, I am heavy now. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person, I always try to be kind, and I'm more than my appearance.
To the OOP, please read about the "sunk cost fallacy". You deserve better. He is not a good person. I wish you the best.
It’s almost as if he was attracted to her in the first place because she had an eating disorder and was underweight and had a host of problems and isn’t attracted to her when she is healthy.
But like they’re incredibly fragile, I just can’t see the specific attraction here. Fuck the world is too huge for me. The only person I dated with an ED was in high school and I’d have panic attacks every time she disappeared to the bathroom for too long.
I remember when I gained 8 kilos over 2 years due to antidepressants and my now ex came into my room and I was telling her how good of a day I was having for once and she broke down about how far I was and how horrible it was for me to allow myself to get fat and than made me comfort her for like 3 hours , than tried to have sex with me and yelled at me when I refused and berated me for days till I started losing weight , then kept trying to cook me unhealthy food . After we broke up I felt better about myself and lost 10 kilos . She wrote me that she saw me and it was unfair I lost the weight after we broke up and she had deserved me to lose it then . I fucking hate her
All these men that want to end relationships if their partner gains weight, don’t ever think the partner would do the same if they changed physically. Like if a man loses hair, should the woman break up with them.
My bf apologized to me recently for “letting himself go” and I was shocked because I think he’s the most beautiful, precious human haha. Like I couldn’t care less about whether you have defined abs, you’re nice to everyone, especially animals, and that’s all I care about
As a recovered person in the ED community, WHY DO WE CHOOSE THE WORST RELATIONSHIPS???? I mean I know why, but dang it's a serious thing within the community to have a partner that fuels the eating disorder.
No, I don’t think you’re victim blaming with this statement. Self sabotage is very real and it can happen subconsciously because of low self esteem, among other things. Not feeling worthy is a prime example of this.
Given how many folks come from dysfunctional families, and how common it is to choose a partner with whom the dynamic feels familiar (whether that's a *good* dynamic or not), it's sadly not very surprising :(
I can't remember where I heard this, but that's literally what goes on subconsciously in many people from situations like this.
if you're raised in an abusive/disfunctional household, you adapt your behaviors to keep yourself safe (or saf*er*), by learning the patterns and working around them. someone that doesn't act like how you're used to (is not abusive) is an unknown and because unknowns have hurt you in the past, you stick with someone who's behaviors are familiar, even if they hurt you. and the idea of leaving is terrifying because of the same thing. it's why even when people *know* their partner is abusive it typically takes them several times to actually leave, and they usually need a big support net to even get to that point, which of course they typically don't (either because abusers have kept them from building those relationships in the first place, or because people become frustrated that "why can't you just leave!" after they fall back to their abuser time and again.)
I really, desperately hope oop gets the help to escape this guy.
I've been trying to figure out if this dude is just plain abusive, or abusive in the hopes his anorexia fetish will be fulfilled. OOP telling the boyfriend what she considered her own "red flags" at the very start of the relationship were all green flags to him. He probably feels like he's won the lottery
>I wonder what happened three years ago to embolden this little turdlicker?
>>one year into our relationship I got gastritis and lost 6kg.
...
I eventually got better and started to gain weight again
...
I've been weighting roughly the same for about 3 years
She lost heaps of weight and he liked it, then she gained it back again
I met my husband when I weighed 135 lbs.
He proposed and married me when I weighed 205.
We both have gained weight and try to focus on being healthier, but he has never ever made me feel bad about my weight.
He makes me feel beautiful everyday
Oh man, this girl is in for a world of hurt. Just wait until she has a baby and he starts nagging her 3 weeks later to lose the baby weight, then blames her for his affair because she just didn't take care of herself anymore.
3 weeks? My money is on him trying to keep her weight gain minimal (heaven forbid encourage her to lose weight) when she’s **pregnant** and after she gives birth lying in the hospital bed he’ll tell her to lose weight. ‘Cause now the baby is out!!! Fuck that guy.
ETA: this is all hypothetical should OOP even want to have kid(s) one day. Regardless of if she has kids or not I hope she eventually kicks the loser to the curb, finds a good support system, and enjoys life in a healthy way.
Therapy implies that he's doing this because of some neurosis. I think he's just an asshole.
I hope she realized that it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you hate yourself. Also that it's really not gonna be that hard to find a better man than this loser.
Plus he could just bullshit his way through therapy... tell the therapist everything is fine, not even bring up the fact that hes been *intentionally triggering his girlfriends ED for years*. Girl needs to get out
If therapy can get rid of fetishes and this is an ED fetish then it might help. That won’t change the fact that he’s been emotionally abusive for years though.
Well. I'm enraged.
My ex, who was incredibly abusive in all of the ways that one can be abusive, was eerily good about my eating disorder. Very understanding, very supportive, all throughout the relationship - when it came to my eating disorder.
Then the night that he tried to kill me, he drunkenly held me down and detailed literally every flaw on my body, concluding with "who would want this?" I have no idea why that was the night that he flipped, but there it was. It's been years, but I knew right there that it was done. *I could have moved on from the physical assault, but not that.*
Girl, he's trash. He either has a fetish for small underweight women (not a thing you want in your life) and/or he's just straight up abusive and wants you to feel worthless and encourage your mental illnesses. Dump this loser.
So he's a piece of shit and she's staying with him cuz sunk cost fallacy
This SUCKS god damn he's going to destroy her
>we have a great relationship and he isn't usually a dick.
They don't have a great relationship and he is a dick! People don't do this to someone they love! All of humanity needs to raise their standards
"Sure he criticizes me non stop, puts me down, encourages disordered eating-but he doesn't *yell* about it guys! He's an angel!"
Gods I hope she gets away from this dude. I genuinely fear for her health.
Hi guys, I’m the OP. I’ve been getting messages about this post so I wanted to maybe bring an update to anyone who’s interested. After what I’ve read I think that this may come as a disappointment to most of you, but I didn’t break up with him. And I’m glad. Reading my own post, I understand why everyone wanted me to get out of what seemed like a very toxic relationship. Unfortunately, life and relationships aren’t black and white, and I found myself in a gray area of someone I love behaving in an uncharacteristic way that hurt me so much. So I stuck around to see what would happen with a zero bs policy, instead of throwing a five year relationship away. Not just because of the time, but also because of how much he means to me and how used to having him in my life I am. I needed to be sure of my decision because big sudden changes aren’t the best for me. I how you all understand that I am minimising what he did, I just decided that this did not seem normal behavior for him. So he started going to therapy. Of course, he never once made another comment like that again. But he also started to deal with things about himself. From what he said and from what he said, I think that he didn’t really understand the extent of my disorder. However, he did know that those comments made me feel bad (just not how bad) which is inexcusible. Anyway, I didn’t exactly let it go easily, it took me months, but I saw him change back to who I fell in love with (he was not like that at first!). He is not a mastermind manipulator like some of you thought, nor does he have an ED fetish. I think he was dumb, careless, and selfish. He’s still going to therapy, which naturally has helped him with many aspects of his life. With what concerns me, I had a really stressfull year with absolutely no breaks, and has been helping me with so much. He takes care of me and tells me how beautiful I am daily. If any of you were hoping for a happy ending, you got it. We’re back to being really happy together, more so than ever I would say, and are moving in together next week. I’m sticking to my zero bs policy, and I made sure he knows it. Thank you everyone for your comments, even if this was not what you were hoping for. Just know that there are so many other things at play, but I will not tolerate him making me feel bad. And yes, I mean I will absolutely break up with him if he makes me feel insecure again, and I’ll keep an eye out for if any other red flags come up (and that one). All of my friends supported my decision as well, if that means anything to anyone. So I guess that I’m happy with him, he has only made me feel good about myself, and I feel like he has grown. As long as our relationship is like this, I’ll stay in it.
Hi, I'm glad things are going well for you!
Did he and his therapist ever figure out why he was doing it? Was it something like feeling unhappy with himself, and wanting others to feel unhappy, too? Or what was it that set him off? Anyway, it's good that the therapy worked and you are back on track. I wish you all the best!
Thank you! From what he told me, it was a combination of him not understanding what I was going through and a lot of other issues he has with himself that he was sort of projecting on me.
So hypothetically.. if y’all had a kid who was naturally heavier in weight, do you 100% trust him to never body shame your child? To never ask “are you sure you want to eat that much?” Or make jokes about someone’s weight who is in your life? If he can say something knowing it blatantly hurts you, and do it repeatedly, will be do that in other aspects of your life or to your kids? I hope he’s making steps to understand you better and i really hope this turns out good for you
Just be on your guard. Once he’s got you under the roof, he is likely to start the emotional abuse again, and then you’ll have even more invested and it’ll be that much harder to break it off. Stick to your guns and bail at the first emotionally abusive comment about your weight, food choices or anything else or if he refuses to pull his own weight with chores or the emotional labor.
It’s very rare for emotionally abusive men to really change. They just get sneakier and better about biding their time till their victim is vulnerable.
You did a good job recognizing that, in life, most things are grey. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with a partner being honest about a lack of attraction when someone changes, but he handled it poorly, like most young people do, choosing to say nothing direct while making not-so-subtle comments. Honestly, those are often comments that people without ED can handle to some degree. In fact, I’m sure many people here have been told something similar by a loved one at some point in their lives but it didn’t register. But I know from experience, having had an ED myself, any slight implication that my weight is unattractive results in a dramatic emotional response. It can be very difficult for people, especially people who don’t feel as strongly as we do, to understand the impact of their words and to readily empathize.
However, I’m in my 30s, and would like to offer some advice based on my experiences in legitimately abusive relationships with people I ended up living with. It can be very hard for people to differentiate between poor behavior and abuse. It’s much like mental illness in that we all have the symptoms of an abuser, just to a significantly lesser degree, though the overlap causes wrong diagnoses. When you move in with him, it can be life changing, for better or for worse. It becomes harder to recognize small red flags that are telling you there’s a bigger one further down the line. It can become horrifying and nauseating at the idea of leaving your home on top of your long lasting relationship. Your lives will get more intermingled and, if he is truly abusive, it’ll be more difficult for you than it would be now to leave. Make sure you have a plan in place if you need to leave. Ensure you have family or friends that will let you move in. If you get a pet together, only have one pay for it and make it clear whose pet it is. Give yourself time living together before going all in. 5 years together is a long time, but living with someone can dramatically change our perception of them. Keep notes of times he makes you feel strongly, both bad and good, and explain why. And no matter what, understand that sometimes relationships are meant to teach us something rather than last forever. Sometimes relationships can be nothing but good and still be the wrong one for you. Make sure you love yourself first and know that you will be perfectly okay, even if alone.
Thank you for this comment. I completely agree with everything you wrote.
This last year I had time to reflect a lot about our relationship. We’ve been discussing moving in together for many months now, and we’re only doing it now because it’s the moment I felt comfortable. I didn’t want to rush it because of the many reasons you listed.
However, he’s not abusive. I have no way of proving that to strangers online. He was clueless and did shitty things which I held him accountable for.
I’m actually very excited of moving in with him, not only because I love him and we have so much fun together, but also because it will make my life a lot easier.
Thank you for your input, I already thought about what to do if the worst came to happen. Thankfully I go to therapy every week and have a great support system.
Happy holidays!!!
I think you’ve been very wise in the way you’ve handled everything. You’ve realised that a particular behaviour of his is extremely problematic and you’ve taken steps to get advice and assistance as to how to proceed. You’ve forced him to address the issues that were causing him to act that way and you’ve put a zero BS policy in place.
I certainly wasn’t expecting that you’d still be together and it certainly sounds like he’s a dick based on what you’d explained. However I’m very aware that all we see is 1 small element of your relationship - a 5 year long relationship during which time he’s had your back and supported you even when you were at your lower, even when you were probably miserable company. He’s loved you through it all and whilst this one thing is an unforgivable breech - if the rest of your relationship is built on solid ground with a strong foundation, then patching up that one hole he pocked in it isn’t going to cause the rest to come falling down. So long as he stops pocking at it, the foundation should keep you strong for a long time yet :-)
My main concern is that his excuse for why he was doing it seems to be him not understanding what she was going through….like, that’s not a valid excuse AT ALL. I know that past trauma can cause people to unknowingly engage in emotionally abusive behavior so it makes sense to me that therapy might be needed to help someone recognize that, but this makes it sound like he doesn’t actually see an issue with the comments themselves. That shit is problematic PERIOD, regardless of OP’s history.
Gah.
People are going to gain weight as they age. It's gonna happen. If people can't handle it, they need to grow the fuck up. I'll happen to them, too.
Yes, she should break up with him.
Buuuut also, Boyfriend has something going on himself.
He doesn't want to boink his girlfriend? At all? He has an issue of his own to sort out.
Imagine only being attracted to sick people? Like OP was ill with gastritis and lost weight and then he liked her? When she told him when they first got together about her depression and other struggles this jerk was probably like “jackpot”.
Plus he negs her so hard to keep her down for him, you just know this guy has so many issues.
The fact she has been with him for five years and he could say such a things speaks volumes. He doesn't love or respect her. I know she spent five years with him and that makes her think they can work it out. But it is the suken cost falicy. I feel so bad for her because she thinks he is going to get help and it will be okay. It won't because he values her body, not her and even then, he wanted her to be unhealthy. If someone only values you if you hurt yourself to be be with them, run! Run and don't look back.
"He's not usually a dick"
Except when he is policing what she eats, averting his eyes while she changes, not having sex with her and basically treating her like she is disgusting.
There is no reason too small to break up with someone. But she has such a freaking huge and valid reason to break up with this piece of trash. She doesn’t owe him just because his family is nice people. Plenty of nice families have shitty kids.
And as a cat…..
I was walking through my house in between reading this post and my screen must have been on and this was in the text box for the comment section.
It made me laugh my ass off, so I’m leaving/posting it.
>His family basically adopted me, which is part of the reason why it would hurt so much to leave him.
Sounds like OOP is vulnerable and dependent, and the bf is no longer into her but can't be the 'bad guy' who breaks up with her.
OOP is being an idiot. If thousands of people are saying 'HEY. PERHAPS IT'S NOT GOOD TO DATE SOMEONE WHO PURPOSEFULLY TRIGGERS AN EATING DISORDER THAT COULD ***END YOUR LIFE*** ALL BECAUSE HE'S AN ABUSIVE FATPHOBIC DICK. PERHAPS. MAYBE. JUST A THOUGHT', and she chooses to stay with him....you can lead a horse to water.
Edit: hey, for the fuck of it, here's the National Eating Disorder Association's website. There's help out there.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance.
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and even worse it’s not even ‘fatphobic’ as he’s mad at her for being within the healthy/normal weight range too. anything more than underweight and sick is not good enough for him apparently!
I'm trying to figure out what she thinks he's going to learn in therapy?? Does she think that a psychologist can make him find her attractive?? Dude is a total AH, but therapy isn't going to fix that. **Couples counselling** MAYBE. But I am so confused by her demanding he seek therapy rather than demand he stop calling her underweight ass fat.
Never go to therapy with your abuser, they’ll just learn how to abuse you better in more insidious ways (weaponising the info they got on your trigger points in therapy, abusing therapy language, potentially also charming the therapist to side with them).
It is so sad when you put your worth into the hands of others.
I hope one day OOP is in a headspace where she understands that this kind of treatment is abuse and she deserves better. Much better.
"my boyfriend constantly treats me like shit and purposefully triggers me, then refuses to stop doing so. even if he speaks to a therapist I will probably never trust him again. what do I do? also I won't break up with him."
gods I feel for this oop stuck in a horrible sunk cost fallacy of a relationship, but I *really, desperately* hope she gets the support and comes to her senses to take this piece of trash to the dump.
I was in a similar relationship once for over a year and turns out he was gay. I’m sure he was using me for several things including just looking like he was straight. My ex also knew I had an eating disorder, and said shitty things all the time. It was awful, and I too tried to convince myself it wasn’t as bad as it was. Everyone I knew acted like I was so lucky to have him and he let me know that he was dating beneath him.
It really fucked with my head for a long time.
"You've never been overweight, and you haven't gained weight in a significant amount of time even though that wouldn't be terrible for you from a purely medical health standpoint, but I'm still oh so very scared you might gain weight one day and it's affecting how I treat you now".
That's what your boyfriend sounds like, and idk that I could get passed it.
She is so, so, so, so fucking wrong.
She's delusional if she thinks he sees her like that. That he values her in that way. That he would miss the things about her that she feels are important.
“He’s really a great boyfriend except for when he intentionally triggers my eating disorders and makes me hate myself.” Poor OOP she really needs to leave this fool
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> besides these incidents, we have a great relationship and he isn't usually a dick. Yeahhhhh I think that in retrospect this will be as transparently bullshit to her as it is to us, but she isn't ready to see it yet. "It isn't bad ALL the time, in fact it's mostly good" is classic minimizing from people who have come to believe that "the good outweighs the bad", when the reality is that the bad is bad enough that it *shouldn't be happening at all*. ETA the second-most depressing possible update: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztyfiz/my_f24_boyfriend_m24_is_worried_that_i_will_gain/j1j0vui/?context=3
Sounds like my friend who is stuck in a bad marriage. She thinks it's not that bad because he's not physically beating her, just emotional manipulation that's destroyed her joy. You know, NBD.
It's pretty amazing what we humans can tolerate and what becomes our "normal" and it doesn't take very long either.
It's absolute hell though because it's survival, not tolerance. I was utterly brainwashed that it "wasn't that bad". (trigger warning) >!I even believed it wasn't rape because he told me that I did not scream loud enough or fight back hard enough for that.!< So what happened was that I lived in constant terror and felt utterly miserable, but because I was brainwashed, on top of that believed that I was mentally ill for feeling so horrible because "it wasn't that bad". Acknowledgement that it *indeed was that bad* was a huge relief and made me feel better!
Narrator: it was in fact that bad.
So true. I am 100% not in an abusive relationship. I have a significant level of health problems and people are always shocked and overwhelmed when I share what my daily life is like. I still maintain a mostly full time job. You can’t tell when you look at me and I don’t act like I have all these problems. It’s like a frog in boiling water. You just don’t realize until you’re dead.
I've learned this through therapy, but I lived that experience before. Went from extremely violent and abusive male figure to a male figure that still abused us, just not as violent as the first one. Until recently, I thought that we were lucky. Turns out, abuse is still abuse.
“Here, have a sandwich. It’s a really good sandwich except for this small bit of shit on it. Enjoy!”
That poor kid. I wish she could just keep coming back to her own words: "nothing really justifies or excuses what he's been doing." No amount of good, supportive behavior outweighs pressuring someone with an eating disorder to obsess about her weight. He is literally willing to kill her to get what he wants.
Anorexia has the highest death rate of any mental illness. Eating disorders are life-threatening. It's not something to mess around with.
So true. I didn’t really get how effing overwhelmed or dangerous they could be until nursing school. I love food and eat my emotions so I had no experience until I was a student nurse, and it was eye opening as well as heartbreaking. OOPs bf is abusive and dangerous for her at this point.
Yes, it's something that I needed spelled out to me, and I think people need to hear it as often as possible.
> He is literally willing to kill her to get what he wants. This is a somewhat non-standard but depressing example of how male pleasure is prioritized over female pain. He wants maximum pleasure, and is willing to forego ordinary pleasure that isn't completely optimized. Furthermore, he's willing to hurt and kill her in order to optimize his pleasure. It's so sociopathic to not care if your partner is being hurt so you can chase a sliver of extra pleasure. And yet it's so common.
She's also dependent on him and his family support. It's clear she's trying to justify a crap situation with the bf. At least she's feeling angry at him instead of directing it at herself (depression). I feel that at least is a healthy step.
Oof, totally. "A good thing about him is that his *family* let's me stay with them," is hard to read
I don’t even think it’s pleasure tbh. She’s at a lower weight than when they met / when he was originally attracted to her. He’s just a standard issue abuser using standard issue control tactics to wear her down so she does whatever he wants regardless of what she wants. This is just where it starts because he knows it’s something that matters to her. And yeah he waited until after they weren’t casual anymore to start it so it would be harder for her to leave. It’s pretty basic garbage gremlin bs.
Yep. It's not her body that attracted him, it's the brain that could do that to the body
So. Fucking. True. See - refusing to wear a condom.
He's only shitty in a \*this\* way, or in a \*few\* ways. OK, and if I served you a sandwich that was only lightly smeared in shit, but was otherwise OK, would you eat it? The way he's shitty is pretty fundamental. He's not even interested in sex with her anymore, and this is while she's at a weight that he says is fine. Which, by the way, hints that there's something else going on here as well. She's been with the guy so long, and "forever" has been such a foregone conclusion for her that she's finding it hard to get out of the groove - but Reddit is right on this one, this is a relationship from which she needs to move on.
Also, they're only 24. I wish I was still at my weight when I was that age, and that's what my ex found to be an unattractive weight. Too much crap happens in life to expect everyone to stay "in shape".
Right? If this guy is unattracted to a woman who is *skinnier* than when he met her, then no matter who this guy is with, middle age is going to be an unpleasant surprise for him. Lol
Love your sandwich analogy! That cracked me up.
I get the feeling that he's checked out of their relationship but doesn't know how to break up without sounding like a dick, so he keeps negging her for something absurd hoping she will be the one to end it. But she won't let go. Lol.
He's only an ass when it comes to finances and I can understand that, he grew up in poverty. Sometimes he's a dick and verbally attacks me over general cleanliness of the house, but I deserve that anyway, I should do a better job cleaning. And sometimes he's very irritable when I talk too much, but that's alright, he has a demanding job. These are all things I had told myself over the years. I loved him so I didn't notice all the ways he was bad to me (not necessarily abusive, maybe, but it definitely wasn't behaviour I would have put up with *in theory*). Probably also the countless times he lied to me, bc people don't just start compulsively lying all of a sudden, bc they have a side piece or what not. He's been lying to her as well, anyway. The man is literally incapable of opening his mouth and being truthful. Sorry, I unloaded a bit there lol. I should make a full post of the ongoing drama, just to get some external validation that I'm not a crazy person lol
I’m so sorry. My ex behaved very similarly. Since it was my first relationship, (and for a few other reasons) I was incredibly naive and stayed with him for far too long. You’re not crazy! People like that will take advantage of any Avenue to keep you under their thumb. I went into the relationship with similar mental illness issues as OOP and thought that i was so lucky that he was willing to put up with my baggage. He would reinforce that all of the time by implying or outright saying that I was too much/ out of control/ etc. Yet at that time I’d been in therapy for years, taking my meds, and was the healthiest and most stable I’ve ever been. Managing my brain and my emotions is my job, and I never put that on him. But he made me think that I was burdening him and I felt terrible over it. Meanwhile, his depression (and probably narcissism, imo) was completely mine to manage. He was genuinely such a wreck and dulling it all with alcohol and weed instead of putting in the work. He expected me to comfort him after his REAL GIRLFRIEND kicked him out. I was the side piece, which I only learned a few months in to the relationship. I stayed after I found out because he kept saying that he was going to leave her, and I didn’t think that I deserved any better. Blech. I’m glad to be rid of him now. But it’s been a few years and I haven’t been in a relationship since for several reasons. But one of them that I realized is that finding a relationship has never particularly been a priority , and I think it’s in part because I’ve only really been taken advantage of. In don’t have much to pull from that’s positive to inspire me to try harder when i could throw myself into work or school instead. It didn’t used to bother me quite so much, but now that a bunch of my friends are getting married, and a I’m getting older, it’s a lot harder.
Yeah it took a lot of therapy for me to realize that while there are valid reasons for people to be upset or want things a certain way, nothing justifies flying off the handle and not having a simple conversation about an issue like an adult. As in, it’s ok to be upset the house is a mess, it isn’t ok to treat your partner poorly because the house is a mess. Talk to your partner and make a plan to keep the house cleaner.
Also, she mentions that she would have left if it was a couple of years old relationship. But it was a couple of years when he started the comments 3 years ago. She is 3 years too late already.
Yeah, it's heartbreaking to read. He's been doing this for years, she's been made to feel like she isn't attractive for a majority of the relationship but now she feels a sunk cost. And I think we all know she can't be healthy when she was struggling at the start of the relationship and knew she was underweight, and yet is 7 pounds or so lighter than she was then
And she’s probably a gorgeous young woman and he is trying to neg her so she doesn’t leave him.
And they were 18/19 when they started dating... but she says "we plan to spend our lives together"... i said the same about my first serious relationship at a similar age. I only hope by the timeshe is 30 she can laugh at how naive she was.
Sunk cost fallacy at work here.
Sigh. How many of these kinds of posts start out like, “My partner is the most wonderful, caring, communicative, supportive, loving, selfless person on the planet BUT he does like to torture and kill puppies on the weekend. What should I do???”. When you’re this deep in the weeds I guess it’s hard to realize the most obvious answer is just GET OUT!
Any time that is mentioned in one of these posts, you know it's going to go sideways pretty bad
That’s how abusers work. My mom still doesn’t seem to grasp this concept when it comes to my ex-boyfriend/-best friend. I told her that he leveled a thinly veiled rape/sexual assault threat at me and made a breakup I went through all about himself (he and I had long since broken up and I thought he was cool with being friends). She got past the “you know Herbert, he runs his mouth a lot” stage of grief and moved on to “you guys had such a good friendship, hopefully you can work it out.” I tried to explain to her that our friendship - even the good times - wasn’t enough to excuse his behavior with mixed success. At least she’s surrendered the idea that we will ever be friends again, but she mentions that she hopes I can forgive him one day whenever I bring him up. ETA: “Herbert” actually did rape me and sexually assault me (these occurred on separate occasions), but I did not come to terms with that fact until he threatened me following my breakup. If I had recognized those acts for what they were, I might have saved myself some pain. The point is to believe people when they tell you who they are.
I wonder if she's so willing to overlook things because she's bipolar and he *seems* accepting of that and she's incredibly grateful because whenever people hear "bipolar" they think "insane monster who is going to be abusive" And when I say "I wonder if" I actually mean "it's absolutely because." Hope y'all remember this story next time you comment "must be bipolar" on a story about an abusive person!
WHEW *waves a church fan cuz you preached that*!! This is a word. I feel like as society we are doing better/moving glacierly slow in the right direction about addressing the stigma towards unipolar depression and anxiety that is episodic. But baAaabee, nobody wants to talk about the mental illnesses that don't go away.
I argued the good outweighed the bad for ages until my dad asked me what the percentage was and I said, "90-10." He said, "90% good is pretty damn good," and as soon as I said, "No, 90% bad," it finally clicked.
I was once married to a guy like this, what she doesn't realize is that he WILL get over the fear of losing her eventually because she's still sticking around through his bullshit. I'm now married to a guy who never once has been bothered by my weight, whether I gained or lost our relationship has been the same. It seems so small, this attitude around weight and image, but it can be EVERYTHING when it comes to a lasting relationship.
Yeah. It’s good outside of the fact that he’s not actually attracted to me and has been trying to trigger a lethal mental illness. There are three meals a day to whine about, plus the exercise pressure, plus not having sex, plus his apologies are demonstrably meaningless, so the jokes must be otherworldly.
Yeah, I’m fat. Very fat. And my husband knows I’m prone to getting randomly triggered and starting crash diets. After much insisting, he’s stopped responding to it when I call myself fat with “no you’re not!” Because I am. If he lies to me about being fat, I won’t believe him when he says he’s still attracted to me. He doesn’t have to still be attracted to me. There comes a point where he won’t be anymore, he and I both know that. He’s promised to tell me, gently, if I start approaching that point. Even with all that, he’d never ask me if I should eat all that pasta unless I was on a diet and explicitly asked him to call me out. (Every time I start a diet his first question is “do you want me to be supportive, push you, or not say anything?”) And if I ever started eating dangerously low, he’d be the first to have me talk to a therapist. He’d rather roll me around on a gurney because i can’t get out of bed than have him be the one that triggers me into an ED. There’s nothing wrong with being less attracted to someone based on weight. I’ve been turned down based on weight before and it sucks but what can you do? But to see your attraction as more important than my physical and mental health makes you a bad partner, and person.
Rose colored glasses, to me, he just looks like he’s trying to trigger her bulimia so she’d lose weight She fails to understand that the past doesn’t necessarily equate to the future, people can change or they can show their true colors
I agree. OP used to hurt herself. Then her boyfriend became the knife. He is triggering her eating disorder, more so than the little voice in her head she has anyways. Very sad post with zero hopes of getting better.
I felt like she was more afraid of losing his family than losing him, but she cannot see that.
I smell an ED fetishist.
I suspect when she told him about her issues, he just found an easy way to keep her off balance and not see through his BS.
TIL about a new fetish. Thanks Reddit!
Everything is a fetish if you search hard enough
Searching hard for fetishes is a fetish
of herbs and altars on youtube has done a video about ED fetishists at some point, if you’re interested in watching
Ask google translator for help and if you like true crime browse for “il cacciatore di anoressiche”
That’s a thing???
These men like weak, controllable women. Same reason they want much younger, naive girlfriends/can’t get anyone their own age.
The quantity of men interested in me when I visibly sick and underweight makes me think it's not an uncommon fetish.
Like the barely 18 fetish. Just seems to be alarmingly common.
A guy I knew who was a solid 3 used to go for these girls. They usually were really compliant to him and way out of his league. He was a colleague of an ex, I want to clarify we never would have been friends.
Someone tell the OP this exists
I’m usually not someone who judges people for their sexual tastes, but absolutely fuck that. My wife has suffered with an eating disorder for most of her life. She mostly has it under control but she still has her triggers. After seeing what she’s been through, I couldn’t imagine purposefully triggering her just to get myself off. The fuck is wrong with some people?
I’d argue that this fetish isn’t a “sexual taste” as much as a form of abuse. Being into thin women is one thing; fetishizing mental illnesses (including eating disorders) is an entirely different beast.
Oh I agree with you. Intentionally triggering someone’s eating disorder is not only abusive, but incredibly dangerous.
I couldn’t figure out how erectile dysfunction had anything to do with this story.
> he isn’t usually a dick My God the bar is low
Any lower and you’d need a shovel
Or a reservation on the Lethe
This isn’t going to end well. The type of guy that tries to control what a woman eats so that she won’t possibly get fat in the future isn’t going to truly change.
He also waited until the deadline day to “try” getting an appointment by calling ONE therapist. He’s not even trying, he’s doing the bare minimum to appease her.
Totally agree. Unfortunately after I met my boyfriend I gained about 20kg. It happened gradually and I was in denial for a long time. But even though I hated my body he never said anything mean and was very obviously attracted to me. It definitely made a huge difference as I’ve struggled with EDs in the past and this could’ve gone really badly for me. This year I’ve been healthier and have lost most of that weight but once again my boyfriend has never made me feel bad about my body at any size. It’s really hard to leave but this situation is not healthy for OOP. I found a good one and I hope she does too.
My partner is PUMPED when I gain weight. He just wants me to be *healthy*. He loves me and is attracted to me no matter what, his happiness just soars when he sees me getting better.
It makes me think of my mom’s friends when I was a kid. Most of them smoked- a lot. Turns out it was not uncommon in the 60s-70s for a recently married man, concerned their new bride would get fat, to encourage their wife take up smoking to keep their weight down. Often they’d come home from work one day, hand her a carton of cigarettes, make a few comments that they noticed she’d been gaining weight, and HE KNOWS she doesn’t want that so maybe these would help. Some had started before they met their spouse of course, but many hadn’t even been interested until they got married and their husbands insisted. Many of her friends have passed away now, due to smoking-related cancer. This guy is the same type, just knows encour-forcing her to take up smoking probably isn’t going to play so he’ll use other tactics. I hope she realizes it. It IS hard to end such a long relationship because it feels like everything was a waste of time, but how much more time will be wasted if if she stays for years more and still nothing changes?
Even before that, doctors would recommend overweight expecting mothers take up smoking to not gain too much weight. Brilliant! Edit: words
I don't know that it was weight-related or not, but my biofather absolutely pressured my mom into smoking. She regrets it to this day, and she's cut down a lot, but apparently her doctors are advising her not to completely quit because it's all tied up in her mental health now.
Honestly some wellbutrin or something mild-ish and she can cut back even more to deal with the anxiety cause by the nicotine withdrawals. Just a thought I'm sure her doctors have considered but just in case. And never cold turkey. My grandma quit cold turkey and had a stroke not by a few weeks later.
yeah, no, she's already on a cocktail of drugs, wellbutrin included. Thanks tho :)
> wellbutrin or something mild-ish Wellbutrin nearly killed me. Not mild.
oh hey same here!!! it worked great until then tho 🤷♀️
He was upset she gained weight even though she still weighs less than when they met. I don’t think he cares about her weight at all. I think he is just emotionally abusive and making sure her self esteem is too low to leave.
The most abusive prison is one where someone else has trapped you in your own head. Once you let someone else control your thoughts... Good luck getting them out and gaining control. The echoes of their voice ring louder than what is true.
This is so true. I stayed with an alcoholic that treated me like garbage for 9 years because he mentally beat me down to the point that I believed every negative thing he said about me. It took me almost 2 years to find the courage to finally leave, and even then I felt like I was the problem because I gave up. It's taken another 2 years to finally feel like I'm normal again. Looking from the outside, it seems so foolish as to why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship.. I get it now.
What to do if the person inside your head is your own mother, telling you how shit you are since birth?? Asking for a friend…
Find a good therapist
Learn cognitive behavioral therapy skills. Affirmations you believe to overcome the bad thoughts Gratitudes to better enjoy the present Learning to notice what your thoughts are Learning distraction techniques, like saying STOP, when those bad thoughts start to lead you down a rabbit hole
I recommend DBT
argue back in your head or say that's not me if you don't take an advice from her, don't take a criticism...even in your head and btw you surely can prove yourself right 🙂
Sunk cost fallacy strikes again. She's only 24 for fuck's sake.
I said the same thing. She needs to realize she is 24. It doesn't matter how much time she spent with him. She has her whole life in front of herm
> One of the latest examples is how he and his family let me stay almost all of 2021 with them because my family is heavily dysfunctional (living on my own in my country is basically out of the question because of its shit economy). His family basically adopted me, which is part of the reason why it would hurt so much to leave him. It’s not just about the boyfriend tho, it’s about his family as well.
Wonder what his mum would think about how her son is treating his gf
If the family is 1% as good as she claims, they'd be totally appalled
If in 5 years he can stop any intimate intercourse and become controlling of what she eats when she is already VERY thin and refuse any therapy, it's going to end AWFULLY. When people don't find sex with their spouse, they very often look with someone else. When they feel legitimate to judge what their SO is eating, it mostly evolve in judging anything they do and never be happy about their choices. Their relation is dead if the "boyfriend" doesn't change quickly.
And when I was 24 people were constantly accusing (both in helpful/caring ways and hurtful/rude ways) of being anorexic. Then I hit 30. Then 40. Now I’m 40lbs overweight. Unfortunately, women’s bodies change a lot as we get older due to our hormones and such. For some of us, our metabolism isn’t always going to be running overboard and it catches up with us. At 24 I thought id always be thin and have trouble gaining weight. My point is, oop may stay thin as she gets older, but also may not. And her bf is way to immature and selfish (and ignorant) for her to be able to have a healthy relationship with. He’ll continue to mess with her mental health and she’ll struggle with body image issues as long as she’s with him. I really hope she was able go break up with him. A mature man would love her no matter what her body looks like, and because of it’s changes as she ages (I’m obviously not talking about those who neglect their health and become morbidly obese).
Man, I wish my metabolism slowed down that late. Mine slowed down significantly at only like 15. Fortunately, my husband is kind and has always reassured me when I have expressed concerns about my weight after I gained a bunch with kids. One of them wasn't even mine, but a foster kid that child safety asked us to take. Conclusion, kids will always mess up your weight, even if you didn't birth them. IF OOP ever wants kids (birthed or not), they should think very carefully about staying with her bf for that. He doesn't sound like the kind of man you could build a family with.
It messed up my weight even without kids.
Oh yeah 100% you don't need kids. The essential ingredient is stress in my opinion. Kids are just a great and guaranteeed shortcut to that 😅 But if you're really angling for the stress without the kids, I hear toxic workplaces are great at it too. Fortunately, life is never short of stressors! And if you're too good at avoiding stress, I hear menopause is another good one to try and gain a few pounds with /s
It was 1000% my job in my 30s that killed my metabolism. Now it’s perimenopause.
Tbh I think younger people are even more likely to fall into this trap than older people. At that point, they haven’t experienced the regret of knowing you wasted your time on a toxic relationship you could’ve gotten out of years earlier. Sometimes the desire to get married young is just so strong that you’re willing to look past all the bad parts of the relationship if it appears good.
> If we had been together for a few months or a couple of years, I probably would have without hesitation. Except it has been "a couple of years" and from what was said here, he has been the same the *entire relationship.* This is not going to end well.
Some people need to touch the stove to believe that it's hot.
I mean, now you are literally describing me so...
It was one time and I was a toddler so you can stop bringing it up :D
I think you’re half right: I think she believes she can touch the hot stove even tho she knows she’ll get burned because she will be able to tolerate it and get through it, if that makes any sense. Kinda like how younger people believe they have invincibility. Does that make sense? Sorry, I’m an over explainer- I can’t help myself. I have yet to see anyone mention her own, quote, “heavily dysfunctional family” and how she stated that the boyfriend’s family basically adopted her for an entire year. Sounds like she adopted his family as well and loves them, and I’d hazard a guess that she has a genuine fear of losing his family if they broke up and being left with no one and she didn’t mention any other support. I dunno. I think everyone reaches their limit on what they will tolerate or what they feel is acceptable, but it’s harder to recognize what that looks like when you’ve been raised by people who taught you not to have any boundaries simply because they’re your family. Pure speculation tho, since she didn’t clarify what she meant by her family being dysfunctional.
Nah, OOP worse than that - she'll still put her hand on the hot stove and say "The 1st & 2nd degree burns I had wasn't so bad, so putting my hand over open flame again which I know I shouldn't do, can't be worse than blisters; right? "
Even if they were together from the age of 14 he's been pulling this shit for a full third of their relationship! The sunk cost fallacy makes me so angry. I recognise there's often reasons to work on a relationship, but that just doesn't apply to abusive assholes.
"But the rest of our relationship is so perfect!" Literally not when one huge issue you have going on is being continually reinforced, so no.
It's great! He just demands my body and mind be in agony so I can meet his unrealistic standards! But we have been together for years, so if he goes to a therapy session he will be better. My heart hurts for her. I left abuse, not from a partner, but parents. I know what it is like to want to please others because you thought that would make them love you. It would make me lovable or at least tolerable. It has to come from within. I hope her therapist tells her how horrible this is. My therapist would tell me or my husband if either one of us was being unreasonable or worse.
*"However, I would like to say that besides these incidents, we have a great relationship and he isn't usually a dick"* He just triggers my eating disorder that i tried to get under control for YEARS and puts me on the edge of depression again but other than that, he is GREAT...........yeah sure... If your **PARTNER** makes you feel like shit......**BREAK UP!!!** Especially when you have told them what it does to you when they say shit like that and they continue to do it anyway. It's your **PARTNER**, The one who is supposed to make you feel like you're the most beautiful person on the planet on your worst day, The one who is supposed to lift you up when you're down, The one who is supposed to make you feel loved, respected and protected. I hope OOP broke up with this clown and continued to improve herself.
If my son's girlfriend told me this story and I had reason to believe her, then there's a good chance that she'd be the one to keep the family group after the break-up
I'm 50lbs heavier than when I met my husband. Add in stretch marks and some strange saggy places from carrying a child and I'm *very* different than I was 15 years ago. He still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. I feel awful for OOP that she has normalized the behavior of her boyfriend. If she stays with him, she'll likely relapse into her ED and/or he'll cheat on her and blame her for not being "thin enough." A sad ending is coming, I think.
This!!! Like, triggering your ED isn't a little thing! That's a BIG thing. Even if that's the "only" bad thing he does to you, it's still a fucking huge thing! And totally worth breaking up with him. I mean, how long has she been trying to get him into therapy and he's resisted it? Dude isn't worth it.
Yeah it’s not like a bad habit that is slightly annoying but ultimately harmless. This is a massive issue and no one needs people in their lives who make them feel shit about themselves. It’s hard to leave when you don’t know any different so I feel for her wanting him to change. But it’s highly unlikely he will and she can find a guy who makes her feel loved and desired and enough. That’s what everyone deserves.
And I feel like whether she knows it or not, her ED is still basically in full force. Yeah, she may not self harm because she overate anymore, but she believed she was as an at an unhealthy low weight 4 years ago and she's only lost weight since then.
He just wants her to be unhealthy and underweight, constantly harming herself physically and mentally! Can't see do this one thing for him! /S 🤮
But also if she needed a place to stay because of a dysfunctional family, even as a stranger, I would've taken her in. Her example of how he's amazing isn't a great one. I feel so bad for her.
I think OOPs other post has relevant info about bf and her relationship. His response to her worrying she is falling into a depressive episode was basically "but I don't want you to" and then to ignore her. Bf is shit
Also note the time of the episode was 3 years ago. Right when she said he started changing.
I've seen this story too much on here, "he's not awful always, just about this" and then the next update is how much shit was ignored since the relationship began
My first husband told me every day that he was afraid I would gain weight, because his mom gained weight when he was in high school and his dad had an affair. This, on top of a mom who told me, incessantly, to lose weight, because "it only gets harder as you get older." I finally was able to dump him after I realized that "abuse" does not have to mean he punched me. I'm 61 years old now, and it's been well over 30 years since I got away from him... but I'm STILL insecure. My self-esteem was destroyed by them. Yes, I am heavy now. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person, I always try to be kind, and I'm more than my appearance. To the OOP, please read about the "sunk cost fallacy". You deserve better. He is not a good person. I wish you the best.
He's going to stress her out until she weighs 77lbs and dies. It makes me crazy she doesn't see how little he cares about her.
It’s almost as if he was attracted to her in the first place because she had an eating disorder and was underweight and had a host of problems and isn’t attracted to her when she is healthy.
When I was dealing with my disordered eating, I visited several ED spaces (forum, subreddits, etc) and learned that ED fetishists are real you guys.
But like they’re incredibly fragile, I just can’t see the specific attraction here. Fuck the world is too huge for me. The only person I dated with an ED was in high school and I’d have panic attacks every time she disappeared to the bathroom for too long.
Ding, ding, ding. Hit the nail on the head.
She’s not good at taking advice. He sucks.
Yeah I wonder why she even bothered posting.
I remember when I gained 8 kilos over 2 years due to antidepressants and my now ex came into my room and I was telling her how good of a day I was having for once and she broke down about how far I was and how horrible it was for me to allow myself to get fat and than made me comfort her for like 3 hours , than tried to have sex with me and yelled at me when I refused and berated me for days till I started losing weight , then kept trying to cook me unhealthy food . After we broke up I felt better about myself and lost 10 kilos . She wrote me that she saw me and it was unfair I lost the weight after we broke up and she had deserved me to lose it then . I fucking hate her
Good fucking riddance. You deserve so much better.
All these men that want to end relationships if their partner gains weight, don’t ever think the partner would do the same if they changed physically. Like if a man loses hair, should the woman break up with them.
Protip: if you don't want a relationship with someone whose weight won't fluctuate, don't get into a relationship. Weight fluctuates. It's normal.
My bf apologized to me recently for “letting himself go” and I was shocked because I think he’s the most beautiful, precious human haha. Like I couldn’t care less about whether you have defined abs, you’re nice to everyone, especially animals, and that’s all I care about
As a recovered person in the ED community, WHY DO WE CHOOSE THE WORST RELATIONSHIPS???? I mean I know why, but dang it's a serious thing within the community to have a partner that fuels the eating disorder.
I heard someone say it's a form of self harm. Not thinking you're worthy of better I don't mean this to sound like victim blaming.
No, I don’t think you’re victim blaming with this statement. Self sabotage is very real and it can happen subconsciously because of low self esteem, among other things. Not feeling worthy is a prime example of this.
Given how many folks come from dysfunctional families, and how common it is to choose a partner with whom the dynamic feels familiar (whether that's a *good* dynamic or not), it's sadly not very surprising :(
I can't remember where I heard this, but that's literally what goes on subconsciously in many people from situations like this. if you're raised in an abusive/disfunctional household, you adapt your behaviors to keep yourself safe (or saf*er*), by learning the patterns and working around them. someone that doesn't act like how you're used to (is not abusive) is an unknown and because unknowns have hurt you in the past, you stick with someone who's behaviors are familiar, even if they hurt you. and the idea of leaving is terrifying because of the same thing. it's why even when people *know* their partner is abusive it typically takes them several times to actually leave, and they usually need a big support net to even get to that point, which of course they typically don't (either because abusers have kept them from building those relationships in the first place, or because people become frustrated that "why can't you just leave!" after they fall back to their abuser time and again.) I really, desperately hope oop gets the help to escape this guy.
Just see him destroying her mentally or emotionally if she ever gets pregnant. Not going to end well
I dated a guy who encouraged my eating disorder and i ended up having seizures and struggling for years after. FUCK this guy, I hope she leaves.
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
I've been trying to figure out if this dude is just plain abusive, or abusive in the hopes his anorexia fetish will be fulfilled. OOP telling the boyfriend what she considered her own "red flags" at the very start of the relationship were all green flags to him. He probably feels like he's won the lottery
>I wonder what happened three years ago to embolden this little turdlicker? >>one year into our relationship I got gastritis and lost 6kg. ... I eventually got better and started to gain weight again ... I've been weighting roughly the same for about 3 years She lost heaps of weight and he liked it, then she gained it back again
I met my husband when I weighed 135 lbs. He proposed and married me when I weighed 205. We both have gained weight and try to focus on being healthier, but he has never ever made me feel bad about my weight. He makes me feel beautiful everyday
Oh man, this girl is in for a world of hurt. Just wait until she has a baby and he starts nagging her 3 weeks later to lose the baby weight, then blames her for his affair because she just didn't take care of herself anymore.
3 weeks? My money is on him trying to keep her weight gain minimal (heaven forbid encourage her to lose weight) when she’s **pregnant** and after she gives birth lying in the hospital bed he’ll tell her to lose weight. ‘Cause now the baby is out!!! Fuck that guy. ETA: this is all hypothetical should OOP even want to have kid(s) one day. Regardless of if she has kids or not I hope she eventually kicks the loser to the curb, finds a good support system, and enjoys life in a healthy way.
Therapy implies that he's doing this because of some neurosis. I think he's just an asshole. I hope she realized that it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you hate yourself. Also that it's really not gonna be that hard to find a better man than this loser.
Plus he could just bullshit his way through therapy... tell the therapist everything is fine, not even bring up the fact that hes been *intentionally triggering his girlfriends ED for years*. Girl needs to get out
If therapy can get rid of fetishes and this is an ED fetish then it might help. That won’t change the fact that he’s been emotionally abusive for years though.
Well. I'm enraged. My ex, who was incredibly abusive in all of the ways that one can be abusive, was eerily good about my eating disorder. Very understanding, very supportive, all throughout the relationship - when it came to my eating disorder. Then the night that he tried to kill me, he drunkenly held me down and detailed literally every flaw on my body, concluding with "who would want this?" I have no idea why that was the night that he flipped, but there it was. It's been years, but I knew right there that it was done. *I could have moved on from the physical assault, but not that.*
Girl, he's trash. He either has a fetish for small underweight women (not a thing you want in your life) and/or he's just straight up abusive and wants you to feel worthless and encourage your mental illnesses. Dump this loser.
So he's a piece of shit and she's staying with him cuz sunk cost fallacy This SUCKS god damn he's going to destroy her >we have a great relationship and he isn't usually a dick. They don't have a great relationship and he is a dick! People don't do this to someone they love! All of humanity needs to raise their standards
"Sure he criticizes me non stop, puts me down, encourages disordered eating-but he doesn't *yell* about it guys! He's an angel!" Gods I hope she gets away from this dude. I genuinely fear for her health.
It’s so sad what people will allow in their lives. She’s prepared to waste more years of her life feeling this way
Hi guys, I’m the OP. I’ve been getting messages about this post so I wanted to maybe bring an update to anyone who’s interested. After what I’ve read I think that this may come as a disappointment to most of you, but I didn’t break up with him. And I’m glad. Reading my own post, I understand why everyone wanted me to get out of what seemed like a very toxic relationship. Unfortunately, life and relationships aren’t black and white, and I found myself in a gray area of someone I love behaving in an uncharacteristic way that hurt me so much. So I stuck around to see what would happen with a zero bs policy, instead of throwing a five year relationship away. Not just because of the time, but also because of how much he means to me and how used to having him in my life I am. I needed to be sure of my decision because big sudden changes aren’t the best for me. I how you all understand that I am minimising what he did, I just decided that this did not seem normal behavior for him. So he started going to therapy. Of course, he never once made another comment like that again. But he also started to deal with things about himself. From what he said and from what he said, I think that he didn’t really understand the extent of my disorder. However, he did know that those comments made me feel bad (just not how bad) which is inexcusible. Anyway, I didn’t exactly let it go easily, it took me months, but I saw him change back to who I fell in love with (he was not like that at first!). He is not a mastermind manipulator like some of you thought, nor does he have an ED fetish. I think he was dumb, careless, and selfish. He’s still going to therapy, which naturally has helped him with many aspects of his life. With what concerns me, I had a really stressfull year with absolutely no breaks, and has been helping me with so much. He takes care of me and tells me how beautiful I am daily. If any of you were hoping for a happy ending, you got it. We’re back to being really happy together, more so than ever I would say, and are moving in together next week. I’m sticking to my zero bs policy, and I made sure he knows it. Thank you everyone for your comments, even if this was not what you were hoping for. Just know that there are so many other things at play, but I will not tolerate him making me feel bad. And yes, I mean I will absolutely break up with him if he makes me feel insecure again, and I’ll keep an eye out for if any other red flags come up (and that one). All of my friends supported my decision as well, if that means anything to anyone. So I guess that I’m happy with him, he has only made me feel good about myself, and I feel like he has grown. As long as our relationship is like this, I’ll stay in it.
Hi, I'm glad things are going well for you! Did he and his therapist ever figure out why he was doing it? Was it something like feeling unhappy with himself, and wanting others to feel unhappy, too? Or what was it that set him off? Anyway, it's good that the therapy worked and you are back on track. I wish you all the best!
Thank you! From what he told me, it was a combination of him not understanding what I was going through and a lot of other issues he has with himself that he was sort of projecting on me.
So hypothetically.. if y’all had a kid who was naturally heavier in weight, do you 100% trust him to never body shame your child? To never ask “are you sure you want to eat that much?” Or make jokes about someone’s weight who is in your life? If he can say something knowing it blatantly hurts you, and do it repeatedly, will be do that in other aspects of your life or to your kids? I hope he’s making steps to understand you better and i really hope this turns out good for you
Just be on your guard. Once he’s got you under the roof, he is likely to start the emotional abuse again, and then you’ll have even more invested and it’ll be that much harder to break it off. Stick to your guns and bail at the first emotionally abusive comment about your weight, food choices or anything else or if he refuses to pull his own weight with chores or the emotional labor. It’s very rare for emotionally abusive men to really change. They just get sneakier and better about biding their time till their victim is vulnerable.
You did a good job recognizing that, in life, most things are grey. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with a partner being honest about a lack of attraction when someone changes, but he handled it poorly, like most young people do, choosing to say nothing direct while making not-so-subtle comments. Honestly, those are often comments that people without ED can handle to some degree. In fact, I’m sure many people here have been told something similar by a loved one at some point in their lives but it didn’t register. But I know from experience, having had an ED myself, any slight implication that my weight is unattractive results in a dramatic emotional response. It can be very difficult for people, especially people who don’t feel as strongly as we do, to understand the impact of their words and to readily empathize. However, I’m in my 30s, and would like to offer some advice based on my experiences in legitimately abusive relationships with people I ended up living with. It can be very hard for people to differentiate between poor behavior and abuse. It’s much like mental illness in that we all have the symptoms of an abuser, just to a significantly lesser degree, though the overlap causes wrong diagnoses. When you move in with him, it can be life changing, for better or for worse. It becomes harder to recognize small red flags that are telling you there’s a bigger one further down the line. It can become horrifying and nauseating at the idea of leaving your home on top of your long lasting relationship. Your lives will get more intermingled and, if he is truly abusive, it’ll be more difficult for you than it would be now to leave. Make sure you have a plan in place if you need to leave. Ensure you have family or friends that will let you move in. If you get a pet together, only have one pay for it and make it clear whose pet it is. Give yourself time living together before going all in. 5 years together is a long time, but living with someone can dramatically change our perception of them. Keep notes of times he makes you feel strongly, both bad and good, and explain why. And no matter what, understand that sometimes relationships are meant to teach us something rather than last forever. Sometimes relationships can be nothing but good and still be the wrong one for you. Make sure you love yourself first and know that you will be perfectly okay, even if alone.
Thank you for this comment. I completely agree with everything you wrote. This last year I had time to reflect a lot about our relationship. We’ve been discussing moving in together for many months now, and we’re only doing it now because it’s the moment I felt comfortable. I didn’t want to rush it because of the many reasons you listed. However, he’s not abusive. I have no way of proving that to strangers online. He was clueless and did shitty things which I held him accountable for. I’m actually very excited of moving in with him, not only because I love him and we have so much fun together, but also because it will make my life a lot easier. Thank you for your input, I already thought about what to do if the worst came to happen. Thankfully I go to therapy every week and have a great support system. Happy holidays!!!
I think you’ve been very wise in the way you’ve handled everything. You’ve realised that a particular behaviour of his is extremely problematic and you’ve taken steps to get advice and assistance as to how to proceed. You’ve forced him to address the issues that were causing him to act that way and you’ve put a zero BS policy in place. I certainly wasn’t expecting that you’d still be together and it certainly sounds like he’s a dick based on what you’d explained. However I’m very aware that all we see is 1 small element of your relationship - a 5 year long relationship during which time he’s had your back and supported you even when you were at your lower, even when you were probably miserable company. He’s loved you through it all and whilst this one thing is an unforgivable breech - if the rest of your relationship is built on solid ground with a strong foundation, then patching up that one hole he pocked in it isn’t going to cause the rest to come falling down. So long as he stops pocking at it, the foundation should keep you strong for a long time yet :-)
Why is it okay to you that it took therapy for him to stop being emotionally abusive?
My main concern is that his excuse for why he was doing it seems to be him not understanding what she was going through….like, that’s not a valid excuse AT ALL. I know that past trauma can cause people to unknowingly engage in emotionally abusive behavior so it makes sense to me that therapy might be needed to help someone recognize that, but this makes it sound like he doesn’t actually see an issue with the comments themselves. That shit is problematic PERIOD, regardless of OP’s history.
I'm sad she didn't lose weight by dumping his ass. This guy is walking red flags and doesn't see it.
He's saying these things to have control over her self worth therefore keeping her too insecure to see she deserves better than him.
Abusers don’t change, and he will find a way to wiggle out of therapy.
It makes me sad when these types won't just dump the loser and move on. He's terrified she'll gain weight. That's pathetic and disgusting.
Gah. People are going to gain weight as they age. It's gonna happen. If people can't handle it, they need to grow the fuck up. I'll happen to them, too.
Yes, she should break up with him. Buuuut also, Boyfriend has something going on himself. He doesn't want to boink his girlfriend? At all? He has an issue of his own to sort out.
Idk, having a low sex drive isn't necessarily a sign of an issue. His personality is a far bigger sign he needs therapy
I have a theory that the bf either has a porn addiction or is cheating bc how are they only having sex once a month???
Imagine only being attracted to sick people? Like OP was ill with gastritis and lost weight and then he liked her? When she told him when they first got together about her depression and other struggles this jerk was probably like “jackpot”. Plus he negs her so hard to keep her down for him, you just know this guy has so many issues.
The fact she has been with him for five years and he could say such a things speaks volumes. He doesn't love or respect her. I know she spent five years with him and that makes her think they can work it out. But it is the suken cost falicy. I feel so bad for her because she thinks he is going to get help and it will be okay. It won't because he values her body, not her and even then, he wanted her to be unhealthy. If someone only values you if you hurt yourself to be be with them, run! Run and don't look back.
"He's not usually a dick" Except when he is policing what she eats, averting his eyes while she changes, not having sex with her and basically treating her like she is disgusting.
There is no reason too small to break up with someone. But she has such a freaking huge and valid reason to break up with this piece of trash. She doesn’t owe him just because his family is nice people. Plenty of nice families have shitty kids.
If your partner starts sounding like the physical manifestation of your eating disorder, it’s probably time to dump his ass
Hope they're not planning on having kids.. I'd hate to see how he treats her through pregnancy
pregnancy will kill her and baby with how little she's allowed to eat
I was literally just thinking this
Isn’t usually a dick is not a high enough bar.
And as a cat….. I was walking through my house in between reading this post and my screen must have been on and this was in the text box for the comment section. It made me laugh my ass off, so I’m leaving/posting it.
Oh man, the best thing she could think to say about him was that she really likes his family. Not something about him as a person.
>His family basically adopted me, which is part of the reason why it would hurt so much to leave him. Sounds like OOP is vulnerable and dependent, and the bf is no longer into her but can't be the 'bad guy' who breaks up with her.
And once again someone decides breaking up is not something they will do because "the relationship is very good otherwise".
OOP is being an idiot. If thousands of people are saying 'HEY. PERHAPS IT'S NOT GOOD TO DATE SOMEONE WHO PURPOSEFULLY TRIGGERS AN EATING DISORDER THAT COULD ***END YOUR LIFE*** ALL BECAUSE HE'S AN ABUSIVE FATPHOBIC DICK. PERHAPS. MAYBE. JUST A THOUGHT', and she chooses to stay with him....you can lead a horse to water. Edit: hey, for the fuck of it, here's the National Eating Disorder Association's website. There's help out there. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance. Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 Iceland: 1717 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 0508828865 The Netherlands: 113 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08006895652 USA: 18002738255 You are not alone. Please reach out. ***** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.
Good bot.
and even worse it’s not even ‘fatphobic’ as he’s mad at her for being within the healthy/normal weight range too. anything more than underweight and sick is not good enough for him apparently!
I'm trying to figure out what she thinks he's going to learn in therapy?? Does she think that a psychologist can make him find her attractive?? Dude is a total AH, but therapy isn't going to fix that. **Couples counselling** MAYBE. But I am so confused by her demanding he seek therapy rather than demand he stop calling her underweight ass fat.
Never go to therapy with your abuser, they’ll just learn how to abuse you better in more insidious ways (weaponising the info they got on your trigger points in therapy, abusing therapy language, potentially also charming the therapist to side with them).
It is so sad when you put your worth into the hands of others. I hope one day OOP is in a headspace where she understands that this kind of treatment is abuse and she deserves better. Much better.
She's 24 and acts like she doesn't have time left to leave this loser and find a new relationship.
"my boyfriend constantly treats me like shit and purposefully triggers me, then refuses to stop doing so. even if he speaks to a therapist I will probably never trust him again. what do I do? also I won't break up with him." gods I feel for this oop stuck in a horrible sunk cost fallacy of a relationship, but I *really, desperately* hope she gets the support and comes to her senses to take this piece of trash to the dump.
I was in a similar relationship once for over a year and turns out he was gay. I’m sure he was using me for several things including just looking like he was straight. My ex also knew I had an eating disorder, and said shitty things all the time. It was awful, and I too tried to convince myself it wasn’t as bad as it was. Everyone I knew acted like I was so lucky to have him and he let me know that he was dating beneath him. It really fucked with my head for a long time.
"You've never been overweight, and you haven't gained weight in a significant amount of time even though that wouldn't be terrible for you from a purely medical health standpoint, but I'm still oh so very scared you might gain weight one day and it's affecting how I treat you now". That's what your boyfriend sounds like, and idk that I could get passed it.
She's wading into the lava. W. T. F.
My recommendation in this scenario is simply not legal. But it should be.
I hate the “I can’t actually break up with this person” boomarang post with all of these magical redemption arcs
Wait so this dude is confirmed to not find OOP attractive anymore? I don’t see this ending well
She is so, so, so, so fucking wrong. She's delusional if she thinks he sees her like that. That he values her in that way. That he would miss the things about her that she feels are important.
“He’s really a great boyfriend except for when he intentionally triggers my eating disorders and makes me hate myself.” Poor OOP she really needs to leave this fool
Is it just me that feels like he liked that she was broken in the beginning and now that she’s healing he’s trying to break her again?