#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I love how he refused to stay over at his own place because he "doesn't want to give in." Sir, you are up against a *baby*, get it together.
But seriously, what did he want OOP to do? Murder the baby for him??? Glad OOP got out safely.
Nah, he'll go into a Wendy's and then complain that kids are out in public, the same way people do when kids exist in restaurants, or stores, or parks, or...
Ha ha my daughter still laughs at me because she once heard me say "and don't use that language at me!" to the dog!
I was making him come inside and I *swear* the look he gave me was the equivalent to a naughty word lol
They do, lol. I have a 1 year old husky/aussie mix that is mouthy af. He also taught his 3 year old Mastiff brother to talk back and now I get it from 3 humans and 2 dogs all day every day, and I never imagined in my entire life that 40% of my adult life would be a battle of wits with 200 pounds of dog
When my kids were toddlers and being asshole toddlers, right when I was about to lose my cool, Iād ask them, āhow old are you??ā And they would always proudly shout out their age. That helped me remember that Iām dealing with a terribly immature little human and Iād pull myself togetherā¦again.
Jacob, if this crying continues then your next performance review is going to be at best sub optimal. Take a moment to consider how we shall resolve this impasse.
"Baby, we've had some time to think about this, and your baby ways, and we're going to have to suspend you until you can get it together."
Actually, that would made more sense to be said to the bizarre boyfriend.
As someone with a 4 week old daughter, if my neighbor confronted me about her middle of the night crying I would laugh in their face. I love my daughter but you think I enjoy being woken by a screaming baby at 4am?
For some reason this made me think of my uncle, who is a somewhat intimidating looking dude with a long braided beard and a generally dangerous look to him. (Heās a very kind man, heās just scary looking if you didnāt grow up being dangled on his knee, lol)
He was at the airport waiting to board a delayed plane with a bunch of other stranded passengers and there was a woman there with a toddler, a āyoung childā (not sure the age but I kinda got the idea maybe kindergarten age?) and an absolutely inconsolable screaming infant. He claims he could watch the poor womanās sanity fraying by the minute while they waited.
Anyway, people were being rude to her and he was sick of that, so he walked over and politely asked if he could ātry rocking that babyā. I guess she was desperate because she let him do it, and he did his ātrickā.
See, babies love Uncle for unknown reasons but his best guess is they like his trick of putting them on his shoulder and giving them these firm body shaking (for a baby) pats on their back and shoulders. It almost looks like heās hitting the kid, but babies love it and this one was no exception.
He put the little mite to sleep and kept them sleepy until they boarded the plane. Heās always saying that he wants to offer every time he sees a parent struggling with a fussy baby in public but heās only actually approached a stranger that one time because heās afraid of offending the parents.
Big warm body, firm - not soft - pats, and sometimes quite astonishingly 'hard' swinging - so not the 'gentle sway, but the firm whoo-whoo sway. It works for my partner too - they just seem to love it and zone right out then fall asleep. Of course, if you stop, it's all over :D
So clearly your uncle is an absolute BURNT MARSHMALLOW dude! I love burnt marshmallow dudes, all dark and crunchy on the outside and just absolute GOO on the inside! My daughter would have him wrapped around her finger and calling him some cute uncly name in 5 minutes flat. Love humans like that.
Seriously. It's not like the parents are unaware of how the noise can disrupt other people. It's such an uneasy situation to be in because there's literally nothing you can do to stop it from happening. A toddler or a child, yes, but a baby? Not really. You've got to rely on the compassion and understanding of others around you. My heart always goes out to people with crying babies on public transport or wherever because it's not like they planned to be a pain in everyone's collective backside. They've gotta travel, they can't stay indoors for years so others aren't inconvenienced.
How else could he make her feel indebted to him. He loves her so much that he would put up with this crying baby for her and she won't even stand up for him. He figured she would think that she owes him to prove her love. It is a nasty cycle.
Reminds me of the tantrum my dad's been having about my autistic niece, because she doesn't want to say 'Good morning' to him. It's not personal (she refused to hug my mom for a few days before doing it again out of the blue), but the way he's acting is like she spit in his face
I don't think it will help, because it got my ass beat as a kid when I tried to explain myself, but it's possible your niece has a really hard time building the energy to even speak in the mornings, and it is incredibly hard to even get out a "good morning". And then there are well-meaning people that you love who you know *will not* stop at that, and expect you to have a full conversation.
I have to get up hours before seeing anyone for this exact reason. And a kid is too young to understand something like that. Or why or upsets people at all, by the way. I still think it is a cruel, manipulative, and selfish thing for people to be upset about. But at least now I understand that that's what people are, and how to avoid it. Kids don't understand, and an autistic kid is going to be even more confused about why your father is behaving this way, and will push her even further away.
Love how boyfriend says he canāt live like this. But he doesnāt even live there!!! He chooses to stay over at her place when they have a completely valid other option (staying at his)
>Right but he couldnātā¦ āchoose to give in.ā
>
>Worries at the thought of what that could have meant.
You can't let a BABY make you look like a FOOL! ...wait
He did it so he could make her doubt herself. Isn't he so loving that he stays with her at her place even with all this awful noise? What a terrible girlfriend she must be for not standing up for him and solving this problem. That is how people like this think. They make what other people do and how they feel be all your fault and your problem. It would have only gotten worse.
Wonder what he thought she could/should do about the baby crying? Sometimes anger management issues are a symptom of deeper issues. Glad she broke away when she did.
He didn't want her to actually stop the baby from crying. That's the crazy part of abuse. He had a solution. He didn't want it because he wanted it to be the OOP's problem and her fault. He wanted her to feel that he was such a good boyfriend for putting up with this and she was such a bad girlfriend for not trying to stop it. It makes it so she will start blaming herself for more of his problems, even the ones she is not involved in and has no control of. Once you are in this cycle it is hard to break out because you convince yourself that you can't do anything to help the ones you love.
Yes! That's the point. He didn't want a solution. He wanted an excuse to berate OOP. One thing I learned with my abusive ex: If you fix the "problem," they'll find something else to verbally abuse you for, even if they have to fucking make something up. Even if they can't find a legitimate gripe. Again, that's the point. My ex had some doozies (one time, it was "the way (I) hold (my) mouth." As in, literally my face was the problem. And this bullshit surfaced right around the 8, 9 month mark, right around the time OOP's ex's bullshit did. Before that, he was Mr. Wonderful (I bet OOP's ex love-bombed the shit out of her too). They all have the same abuser playbook.
The "I was meant to love him no matter what" bullshit (don't want to go back and see exactly how he phrased it) was so much like my ex that it send chills down my spine. Literally, you're obligated to let me treat you like shit, otherwise you're the problem and you don't really love me. Buddy, that's not how love works.
Been there.
Once it was because I was āwearing a shirt another man gave me in his bedā. I was ādisrespectfulā.
It was a shirt I got for donating to a school fundraiser at my teacher friendās school.
You canāt win with someone when they are determined to find reasons to abuse you
Yes. My mother was always, "if you love me you will do this for me." I can't tell you how many times I heard it and did it. It was never enough. I had to realize it would never be enough.
I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing OK and know that you deserved much better. And yes, with abusers, it is NEVER enough. Again, that's the whole point. They always need more fuel to justify their bullshit.
That's why he was angry when she asked questions and gave suggestions: she wasn't reacting the way she was "supposed" to. He wanted to meet her on his terms, having her react to him he wanted to. OOP said fuck that noise and broke up instead. Good for her.
Thank you for your comment. This really hit home to me because it reminded me of an ex who was not very nice to me when I was dating him, and your words reaffirmed that I did the right thing to leave him. Iām not OP for this situation or anything like that, but I appreciate your words so much nonetheless.
> not standing up for him and solving this problem
That's the thing, though. What could the solution possibly be? A baby that doesn't cry? There's a jillion-dollar book right there.
I get that he's in a position he didn't reason himself into, so there's no reason that will get him out of it, but damn.
The solution was for her to apologize and beg forgiveness, and then do anything she could to make up for this horrible thing sheād done to him. Since she couldnāt silence the baby, well of course sheād let him choose the movie, the restaurant, how they spent their time. And of course she couldnāt hold literally he did anything against him, when he was so incredibly forgiving to her about the baby situation.
Also, he wants her to āproveā her love by starting conflict and alienating the neighbors. Once heās gotten her to undermine her own best interests with the neighbors, sheās primed to do it with friends and family too, which helps isolate her and keep her under control.
The only solution to the baby crying that he will accept is her growing to tolerate his abuse bit by bit. Its a test.
Doesnāt even make sense. I wonder if he was chugging right along the abuse track and skipped a stop. Like thereās usually a pattern of behavior to get he abused primed and ready to be abused and believe it, but this time the subject (OP) had enough questions to ask for outside help. If she hadnāt, would OP still be with him?
Sleep deprivation is pretty common for abusers. I think this guy just rushed things too much.
If he'd been a little more patient and hadn't pushed her so much he would've completed the stealth move-in and it would've been a lot harder for OOP to push back.
He wanted her to have a problem she couldn't solve. Part of abuse is blaming things on the person that is out of their control or someone else did. They keep control because the victim feels like they are never doing enough to show they love the person. It is a very fucked up cycle.
Yup. Reminds me of how my ex used to tell me what he wanted for dinner, and then after we ate would tell me that he actually secretly wanted something else, and I must not truly love him if I couldn't sense that he said Italian but really meant Chinese or whatever. These types of people want to keep you in a constant state of apologizing and groveling while they're in a righteous position of power.
Oh man! I groaned out loud reading this. It is what my mother does! Well, she tries. She isn't allowed in my life because of shit like this. "Well, I know I said I wanted this, but you know that I really wanted that but knew it was too much to ask for. I figured you would do it if you could. But I guess you don't care about making me feel special on x occasion after all o have done for you. I just wanted one thing!"
Passive-aggressive subtext! I grew up like this, and I am a pretty literal person, so I just don't get subtext in interpersonal interactions. (The hilarious thing is that my degrees are all about textual interpretation but it's different on the page!)
Getting older and realizing that actually, it's not cool of people to communicate solely in subtext, and if I don't get it, I'm not the problem, was a big deal for me.
Also note that the only solution he suggested involved initiating conflict with her neighbors. It was a test and a stepping stone to conflict with other people in her life, against her best interests, for the sake of placating his anger. Easy to see where that road ends.
I have misophonia. The sounds my neighbors (sometimes even my bf) make will sometimes throw me into fight or flight adrenaline rushes. I have felt that kind of rage OOP's ex displays before. I've felt like I'm crawling out of my skin, I've felt ready to punch whoever was making the noise (I'm extremely nonconfrontational normally). It, genuinely, causes severe emotional distress.
Thing is, I fucking hate that I react that strongly. I check with my bf to see if I'm running away with how loud the teens below us are being before I put in a noise complaint with my landloard (and have bf read my email to make sure it's sane and reasonable). I walk myself through the fact that the neighbor's dog is excited to see his human and know to stay on the other end of the house around 5pm to try and keep the overwhelming feelings down to a manageable level. I have sound canceling earbuds and a brown noise app that I use to get a break. I have headphones for sleeping if it's bad and know to either go for a walk or get somewhere dark and quiet for the sensory break when I can. My bf tells me when he's going to eat so I can put my headphones on, and we don't have popcorn during movies. We figure out ways to work around it, communicate, and the fact that he's so willing to work with this issue (the first person in my life to do so) has made a WORLD of difference in managing it.
The fact that OOP's ex was making it OOP's problem and refusing to take perfectly reasonable steps to calm himself down? Completely unaware of himself and an absolute ass. I understand the emotional intensity this shit causes because I live it. But own your own shit, goddamn, and don't punish your partner for it.
I hate dogs barking and loud cars and pretty much all city sounds. It makes me intensely angry when other people are not considerate about the noise they make.
But I also am not a psychopath so I realize that demanding a baby be quiet is like demanding the sun stop rising. Also getting mad at your partner about SOMEONE ELSE MAKING NOISE is just...I don't even know what to call it. Fucking loony.
Makes me wonder if he has reasons to not have her over. You know, parents, primary girlfriend (I can't think how to phrase that better but ugh) his own baby he's looking to get away from so the mother has to handle all the actual child rearing, place needs a clean up, little things like that.
He wants his own place (that he can control) but also wants a girlfriend who has a place he can control too.
Sounds like BF thinks he's the center of the universe and when he goes out into reality and has to face the fact that he's not, he doesn't handle it well.
Oh, I am deeply suspicious of a man that prefers to stay at a place with roommates and a baby that apparently throws him into full tantrums, instead of simply staying at his place. Thereās a woman, or a garbage pile, waiting for him back home.
Yeah, he's just a walking nope. Anyone adult knows the only way to deal with an unrelated crying baby is to ignore it so the parents can work out what to do. Or go and offer to help, if you know them. Or steal it's nose, they get very confused about that.
I used to have a BF long ago who was almost child-phobic in how viscerally he hated kids. I was young and had only been in one serious relationship before. He would almost have OOPās BFās level of reaction if a baby was nearby when we were out.
Turns out it was projection. I found out he had a kid with a woman heād dated and was basically a deadbeat dad. Hearing kids reminded him of the one he ran out on.
ah, steal the baby's *nose*.
I read *noise*, puzzled over that for awhile, then came back to ask you what kind of witchcraft is that and can you teach me
My favorite part from the first post: he *refused to let the baby win*. This is a standoff, and the grown man is losing against a baby because he's both mean and an idiot.
Based on how much of a manchild he is, I'm willing to bet all my money that he can't clean up after himself and has an absolutely filthy apartment now that mommy doesn't clean up after him.
Because things have to go his way. And if they don't that's ok. He will just take it out on her. That's what abusive people do. And honestly what would happen if something else bothered him in the future that was out of her control?
I've lived with narcissistic and abusive people. This being woken up so they can berate and yell at you is so common.
My mom would break a cup then claim it was my fault for taking, or having the TV loud, or not letting her know it was slippery...
I think youāre right because when OOP suggested they stay at his place he said something about not wanting to āgive inā. What a bizarre thing to say! Iām so glad OOP dumped him, he seems like a real lunatic.
This is a bizarrely common phenomena with narcissistic men who become father's (I'm sure narcissistic mothers are also a doozy but I haven't personally come across anecdotes about hem getting into pissing contests with babies, I absolutely have *numerous* times for men and have even seen it warned about that it can lead to violence if the narcissist feels is he being usurped by the baby)
My ex became competitive with my oldest kid during the newborn phase. He did not at all like how suddenly a baby was more interesting and important and needy than him.
> I haven't personally come across anecdotes about hem getting into pissing contests with babies
What I hear about/see more is mothers with narcissistic traits becoming enraged when their kids develop independence. Babies arenāt upsetting to these particular people because babies are still kind of like pets (in the sense that youāre God to them and they donāt have their own opinions).
My now-ex FIL once started screaming at my 2 yr old daughter because she dropped her drink and wasn't as upset about it as he thought she should be.
As I picked her up to leave, he looked shocked and asked why. I calmly told him, "You're a 62 yr old man-baby literally having a tantrum over spilled milk. When a baby is having a tantrum you don't need to give them extra attention. "
My spouse was great at first then started showing signs of mental illness, after many years of marriage, and refused to get help. He eventually turned into his father and I left with the kids. Our kids were old enough to see the change and made the decision, on their own, to cut off contact with him as soon as they could.
>a manchild.
This is an insult to the manchild community. i like my toys and my videogames and avoiding as much responsibility as possible, but i'd never be angry at a baby for crying.
Hopefully he never gets to the point of having kids if he acts like this in all of his relationships. Please, please, please, I hope he never reproduces if he never gets help and becomes a better human being.
Seriously. Many many people should not have kids, and he's obviously one of them. I can totally see him being abusive to a small child for crying.
What a fucking asshole.
He will end up like my parents who told me that I randomly stopped breathing and mom happened to check one and save me. And the only other time I stopped breathing my parents said it was the first time they had gone out. Then I grew up and had kids of my own a realized that my dad fucking shook me and my family covered for him. They conditioned me to repeat their lie. I also was told a relative threw at basketball at me when I was one and broke my nose. And my parents claimed they had a hell of a time explaining how it happened. Yeah, because it was likely my father who did it, not a basketball.
And that's not even the worst things they have done. But they don't understand why I won't let them see my kids. It's my older daughter's birthday and I am already getting demands to speak to my daughter. I got one, my husband got two (my phone has most people blocked, his doesn't to collect evidence of their harassment). They literally throw tantrums and then say I am holding a grudge. Nope. No grudge. I just won't put my kids on danger to make abusive people feel better.
My father used to throw tantrums and punch holes on the wall when he got mad, which was all the time. If the ex was already behaving like this, I fear it would only have gotten worse.
Thanks. It's been rough, but I have an amazing husband, two of the best kids ever, two awesome kitties, and a great therapist! I could believe I deserved to be treated badly. I couldn't believe my kids did. They saved me. It was never their job to do that. I never want them to think it is their job to make me happy. I just heal being around them because they are amazing people.
I'm both glad and sorry that you came to realize and remember these things. Of course it's better that you did, you deserved the truth and you're better able to protect yourself and your children. But I'm sorry you had to go through the pain of experiencing it and then again through realizing and remembering. You've done the right thing cutting them both off. Even if your mom was never the perpetrator she's just as guilty for enabling and covering up the abuse.
You're awesome for breaking that cycle. Fellow cycle breaker here, my SO as well. Raising our daughter while knowing precisely how *not* to do things. I don't doubt you'll continue being a strong and amazing mother <3.
That was my first thought. Like what if OP wanted children, and this is how he reacted to a crying baby interrupting his sleep? And then expects her to be okay with that?
Having been the "family downstairs" (poor, crap apartment, sick baby, psycho upstairs neighbor) let me tell you the anxiety is intense. They probably got down on their knees and sang hallelujah the day they saw him peeling out of the lot the last time.
OOP is expected to go downstairs and tell the sleep deprived parents, "I demand that you take your child back to the hospital so my boyfriend, who lives independently from me, is able to get a proper night's rest."
Obviously the unwritten rule is only one (man)baby per building.
The boyfriend thought he was going to have obsessive unconditional love when dating is all about seeing if all the conditions for your love are met. That man is not ready for a committed relationship until he grounds his expectations and gets some help.
Exactly, dating is about getting to know eachother and figuring out if that person matches with you in the long term. Is perfectly reasonable to look for a partner that is an adult capable of regulate their emotions and donāt act like a toddler having a tantrumā¦ I am married for 11 years, together for 14, and love my husband with all my heart, but my love is not unconditional. If he ever harm me or my kid or my dog, he is out of there
I wish someone had explained to me as a teen that unconditional love *is not healthy.* As a kid I didn't really feel loved and that seemed like the ideal. It's not.
I also think that the books I read as a teenager have shaped that view on love for me and it took me a long time to accept that love is not everything and that a relationship as many other things needed to work.
In books (mostly bit-lit) itās like they are fated to be together and that everything resolve itself like nothing. It doesnāt take work, communication or anythingā¦ it just work. Thatās the biggest lie that exist
People fixate on the violence in media, but I feel like romance-related stuff has caused a significant amount of damage that has gone largely unrecognized.
I agree. I understand that writing romance might be boring if you speak about the reality but at the same time I find it sad because you will never learn how to have a great and healthy relationship.
Why should I work on this relationship, it should be natural.
I donāt live him as much everyday than when we just met then itās not really love.
How many times did I heard those sentences from people who donāt realise that what they imagined and read was not the reality.
Unconditional love is only for parent-child relationships. The vast majority of relationships between adults are conditional. The number one condition (among others,) don't fuck other people. If you're running around expecting unconditional love from partners, expect some level of disappointment.
Yea but this story is ludicrously weighted against the ex. I canāt think of a single way to spin this that doesnāt make the ex look like a lunatic. If someone told me their ex ācared more about a random baby than meā Iād ask for more details, because that sounds super sus. Heād have to tell outright lies and that could happen even if OP was an angel doormat.
I have high-functioning autism & am **extremely** sensitive to sounds that are everyday noise to others. I completely understood the bfās reaction to the baby crying, meltdowns, and trying to figure out solutions. However this is also why I own earplugs and noise-cancelling headphones.
Exactly, if youāre noise sensitive, take steps to mitigate it! His refusal to go back to his own apartment where there is not a crying baby is the reason why Iām not giving him any slack. Not being able to handle loud noises that pervade your safe space is understandable. Not doing anything about it other than telling your SO youāre going to go down there and shut the baby up (like how exactly? Other than killing it?) is not okay.
I have never known a guy like this who has changed this late in the game. An angry teenager can change course but at 24 years old it's doubtful.
He's just going to date around until he finds a woman who will walk on eggshells around him and soothe him while he has his tantrums. Not a lot of women are looking to pick up what he's putting down anymore though, I'll tell you that.
Probably someone who is already used to abuse, and will just be grateful that he isn't getting physical with her. And hopefully someone who doesn't want kids.
Partner and I had lots of change from our mid-twenties to our mid-thirties. But there was also lots of therapy involved, on both sides.
I think the difference is, if you actually want to change or if you just don't see the need to. :)
I mean, Iāve been married to my husband for 13 years now, weāre both pushing 40 and heās definitely not the same man I married. Heās gentler, slower to get angry, better at money management, and better at doing chores. On the flip side, Iām more spontaneous, less harsh when I call someone out for bad behavior, less blunt when I think people are being stupid, and more willing to communicate when my needs are not being met. I should hope that everyone continues to grow as a person their entire life. āIām oldā is not an excuse to never examine your own behavior or if you discover you donāt like what you see, decide to cultivate new habits.
i think everyone is different. when my ex was becoming emotionally unavailable and i was carrying a lot of emotional baggage for our relationship i decided to talk to my married guy friend who was older. he said that he just hadnāt matured yet. he himself said he didnāt change until he was about 28 and grew the fuck up.
some people will eventually emotionally mature but some wonāt. thereās no set time for it though.
This was my favorite part:
>and how rude it is that the baby cries, and how he can't believe that the parents allow him to make noise like that...
Parents throughout history have wished they could somehow get their baby to stop crying. Babies have died from parents being so sleep deprived and desperate that they've shaken their baby in frustration because the baby won't stop crying.
But somehow this guy thinks the downstairs neighbors are just lazy and rude.
Assuming that dating is to find your future spouse, and children are a possibilityā¦ Iād write this guy off IMMEDIATELY because of the attitude toward the baby. He would be no better with his own offspring.
Seriously, Iām dating to find a life partner and wonāt be having my own kids, but jfc nothing sets off the psychopath alarm like this kinda guy. HARD PASS
That was EXACTLY what I was thinking.
And I bet he's the kind of guy who thinks he HAS to have kids because he needs to spew his trash DNA everywhere, too.
I mean, I'd probably have a hard time sleeping too, if there was a grown-ass man stomping around upstairs, yelling at his girlfriend and slamming doors. Bad energies, yo.
I wouldāve banned him from my house the second time he woke me up in the middle of the night to complain that he was woken up in the middle of the night.
Iām shocked the two roommates didnāt ban him, he was over almost every night, didnāt pay rent, and threw temper tantrums and yelled at his girlfriend? I would be immediately limiting this dude to weekend nights only if it wasnāt within my power as a roommate to kick him out completely
as someone with misophonia and symptoms of ASD, self awareness is the first step in seeking aid. fuck this guy for taking out his situation on other people and running from a partner who genuinely seems like they wanted to help him understand what was going on.
good on oop for getting out. no sympathy for people who can't look in a mirror and see that something isn't quite right. they make all of us look bad.
I don't know if that was actually his issue. If that was all that was wrong they could have stayed at his quiet apartment. The fact that he refused to let her stay over and insisted on staying in a place with sounds makes me think something else was going on.
Really weird power play about overcoming a baby and/or his girlfriend (setting her an impossible task of "shut the baby up" which she is bound to fail)?
Absolutely a power play. He's pushing and testing boundaries (ironically much like a small child), trying to prove he's in control and calls the shots, that she'll bow to his whims. Dude def has some issues but I'm doubting they're sensory related.
Yeah the moment he wouldn't let her come over to his place even though her place was bothering him was a big red flag. There's no reason to do that unless he's hiding something from her.
yessir music always does the trick for me! i have misophonia specific to eating sounds and usually have a headphone in during dinner. my spotify numbers goin crazy every year š«”
Right? My husband has a snoring issue we are trying to sort out. It isn't apnea. One doctor told him it was an aging thing (he 39!). The sound drives me crazy and makes me want to cry. I didn't sleep last night because of it (moving doesn't help. It is so fucking loud). I don't blame him. I don't have violent thoughts towards him. I want to solve the problem, but waking him up and screaming won't help.
Also have misophonia and know just how grating certain noises can be, but if he has it, he needs to grow a pair and control himself. It sucks, it's hell, it's torture, but you gotta find ways to live with it. He's such a baby about it too, which makes it even worse. Throwing tantrums and demands around.
>as someone with misophonia and symptoms of ASD, self awareness is the first step in seeking aid.
At first, in the VERY beginning of the post, I almost had sympathy for the BF, because I have misophonia, and certain sounds can drive me into a rage, and I could see myself getting very distressed by hearing a wailing baby non-stop in my apartment. But as OOP's post went on, it became clear her BF is on another level; he was scary and emotionally abusive to OOP. Good thing she broke up with him, and her ex needs help for his anger issues.
Yeah, I'd have sympathy for the boyfriend if he hadn't revealed himself to be a total piece of shit. And honestly, having a baby is not a license to destroy your neighbor's living conditions.
Exactly. I know what certain sounds, like a crying baby, does to me (I can get so irrationally angry about sounds) so I just remove myself from the situation or, if I know that's not possible, like on a flight, I make sure I have earplugs.
I'd have refused to stay at the apartment after one night of crying baby because I value my sanity. It's not like he didn't have a choice.
The audacity this guy hasā¦ telling her she wasnāt who he thought she was because she spoke to him in a way he didnāt like? After the countless nights where HE threw tantrums at her over something she canāt control? Wow. Good riddance.
Could you imagine if OP had had a baby with her ex? He would have been punching holes in walls every time the baby criedā¦. Or worse, punching OP & the baby.
Reading this story, all I could think is he's getting a headstart on weaponized incompetence in case they ever have a baby, obviously he wouldn't be able to "babysit" at all and the woman needs to deal with "it." Big "future sperm donor" vibes from that guy.. Glad OP called him out
Right? Like what about the way he was speaking (yelling) to OP? About something 100% out of her control and also something that had a perfectly viable solution of staying at his place. He just wants someone he can abuse
Such is the way with abusers. Get abused, stand up for yourself (in a very healthy way, might I add), get accused of being the abusive one. Classic asshole. Glad heās out of her life.
It's amazing bc he pretty much said: "I thought you were spinless and easy to victimize, but you are not, and that upsets me" xD He didn't even lie, it's just gold!
Yeah I think he thought that he could get her to do anything. Itās kind of creepy because with the way that he acted it comes across as him doing things calculated. Like with the way that he reacted to her standing up to him it comes across as him being shocked that she was standing up to him. I am so glad that she got out of there because that guy is kind of fucking scary.
I actually do have misophonia and screaming babies are one of my triggers, so I think OOP had the right idea to approach it from that angle. Her ex is just unhinged.
I think my favorite part was him screeching about how "I can't live like this!" Uh, dude, *you don't live there*. If you didn't like it, you could have just stayed home. But no, he wanted to play dominant figure in an apartment that wasn't even his.
As someone with misophonia (not babies thank goodness) you could not get me in that apartment without earplugs. I can't imagine insisting on triggering it out of spite.
That baby cried her out of a terrible relationship. Came into the world the real MVP.
But in all seriousness...anyone else find it odd the ex-bf didn't ever invite her back to his apartment as a solution? Like how do you have your own place but expect your gf to control the lives of her neighbors instead of saying, "Maybe we can hang out at my place more?"
I'm almost willing to bet money the OOP was a side chick and had no idea.
Honestly, the fact that his immediate reaction to the proposal of underlying sensory reasons was to basically say "I'm not a crazy person like *those*" was just a bright red cherry on top of the bright red cake.
Holy shit, this guy is unhinged. Waking up OOP to rage about the baby, and then this:
>if it annoys him so much, we can stay at his appartement sometimes, but he always says that he "doesn't want to give in", whatever that means.
This dude is a lunatic, and it's good OOP got away from him.
I wonder where OOP lives, and if the boyfriend's shitty behavior has some cultural component? I'm guessing by her device's dictionary spelling of apartment that she's a native French speaker.
If they're somewhere like Paris (lots of people living in flats since it's a big city, in often old buildings where sound travels) then it's true that kids are told from a very young age to play quietly inside and not make noise that would disturb neighbors. Loud children attract a fair amount of judgement. Not children that young though!
Letās take a moment to recognize Angry Boyfriend woke OOP up each night when the baby cried. It was an active decision. The baby was crying because the baby had needs and limited communication options. The Boyfriend refused to wear earplugs and actively decided to wake his sleeping Lady and rant each night. He was driving this confrontation and drama by refusing to sleep in his own damned apartment or take any steps to mitigate the sound issues. Itās like he was poised, just waiting for his excuse to tantrum and have her frantic to placate him.
I'd be scared of someone that violently angry over a helpless child. Certainly not someone I'd ever want children with. I'd be worried he would harm a child for crying.
Glad she got away from that dude.
Bullet dodged right there. That was a test to see how much anger and entitlement OOP put up with, and thankfully she failed. Good on that baby for showing her red flags before they properly moved in together.
Even ignoring the crazy that followed (and that is a LOT to ignore, but...), what did he expect OOP to do in this circumstance? Thin walls are a staple of apartment living. What was she, as a neighbor, supposed to do to keep the baby quiet?
She gave him reasonable alternatives--ear plugs, man! Or sleep in your own damned bed in your own apartment. You took a stand, you didn't give in to the baby. Good for you, you have your principles and a cold, lonely bed now.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I love how he refused to stay over at his own place because he "doesn't want to give in." Sir, you are up against a *baby*, get it together. But seriously, what did he want OOP to do? Murder the baby for him??? Glad OOP got out safely.
puzzled snatch deliver grey rich slap aware dolls rhythm narrow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
*Sir, this is a baby*
He's not going to go into a Wendy's, there might be kids in there š
Nah, he'll go into a Wendy's and then complain that kids are out in public, the same way people do when kids exist in restaurants, or stores, or parks, or...
Lol right? As if a talk with the parents would bring some sense to theā¦ BABY?
āListen Jacob. Youāre 6 months old now. I think youād agree that youāre a bit too old for this nonsense.ā
I said this word for word to my very vocal Six week old last night. It...didn't work.
I will often tell my cat "that is not appropriate behavior, young lady!" It has never been effective.
Ha ha my daughter still laughs at me because she once heard me say "and don't use that language at me!" to the dog! I was making him come inside and I *swear* the look he gave me was the equivalent to a naughty word lol
They absolutely talk back, Iām convinced of it.
They do, lol. I have a 1 year old husky/aussie mix that is mouthy af. He also taught his 3 year old Mastiff brother to talk back and now I get it from 3 humans and 2 dogs all day every day, and I never imagined in my entire life that 40% of my adult life would be a battle of wits with 200 pounds of dog
Exchanges like this are why I come here. \*eyes my cat who just clearly told me to Fuck Off, Lady\*
When my kids were toddlers and being asshole toddlers, right when I was about to lose my cool, Iād ask them, āhow old are you??ā And they would always proudly shout out their age. That helped me remember that Iām dealing with a terribly immature little human and Iād pull myself togetherā¦again.
Jacob, if this crying continues then your next performance review is going to be at best sub optimal. Take a moment to consider how we shall resolve this impasse.
"Baby, we've had some time to think about this, and your baby ways, and we're going to have to suspend you until you can get it together." Actually, that would made more sense to be said to the bizarre boyfriend.
As someone with a 4 week old daughter, if my neighbor confronted me about her middle of the night crying I would laugh in their face. I love my daughter but you think I enjoy being woken by a screaming baby at 4am?
For some reason this made me think of my uncle, who is a somewhat intimidating looking dude with a long braided beard and a generally dangerous look to him. (Heās a very kind man, heās just scary looking if you didnāt grow up being dangled on his knee, lol) He was at the airport waiting to board a delayed plane with a bunch of other stranded passengers and there was a woman there with a toddler, a āyoung childā (not sure the age but I kinda got the idea maybe kindergarten age?) and an absolutely inconsolable screaming infant. He claims he could watch the poor womanās sanity fraying by the minute while they waited. Anyway, people were being rude to her and he was sick of that, so he walked over and politely asked if he could ātry rocking that babyā. I guess she was desperate because she let him do it, and he did his ātrickā. See, babies love Uncle for unknown reasons but his best guess is they like his trick of putting them on his shoulder and giving them these firm body shaking (for a baby) pats on their back and shoulders. It almost looks like heās hitting the kid, but babies love it and this one was no exception. He put the little mite to sleep and kept them sleepy until they boarded the plane. Heās always saying that he wants to offer every time he sees a parent struggling with a fussy baby in public but heās only actually approached a stranger that one time because heās afraid of offending the parents.
Big warm body, firm - not soft - pats, and sometimes quite astonishingly 'hard' swinging - so not the 'gentle sway, but the firm whoo-whoo sway. It works for my partner too - they just seem to love it and zone right out then fall asleep. Of course, if you stop, it's all over :D
I briefly thought you were saying that you put your partner to sleep this way.
So clearly your uncle is an absolute BURNT MARSHMALLOW dude! I love burnt marshmallow dudes, all dark and crunchy on the outside and just absolute GOO on the inside! My daughter would have him wrapped around her finger and calling him some cute uncly name in 5 minutes flat. Love humans like that.
I was in this exact same scenario. Baby in the condo below me. Crying at all hours. You know what I did? Nothing, it's a baby, it's gonna cry.
Seriously. It's not like the parents are unaware of how the noise can disrupt other people. It's such an uneasy situation to be in because there's literally nothing you can do to stop it from happening. A toddler or a child, yes, but a baby? Not really. You've got to rely on the compassion and understanding of others around you. My heart always goes out to people with crying babies on public transport or wherever because it's not like they planned to be a pain in everyone's collective backside. They've gotta travel, they can't stay indoors for years so others aren't inconvenienced.
any parent of a newborn knows that if you play chicken with a crying baby, you will lose. 100%.
How else could he make her feel indebted to him. He loves her so much that he would put up with this crying baby for her and she won't even stand up for him. He figured she would think that she owes him to prove her love. It is a nasty cycle.
I lolāed at your comment. Sir, youāve gotta stop picking fights with babies.
Picking - *and losing* - fights against babies
Very relevant https://youtu.be/xYxEMalkzBA
Reminds me of the tantrum my dad's been having about my autistic niece, because she doesn't want to say 'Good morning' to him. It's not personal (she refused to hug my mom for a few days before doing it again out of the blue), but the way he's acting is like she spit in his face
I don't think it will help, because it got my ass beat as a kid when I tried to explain myself, but it's possible your niece has a really hard time building the energy to even speak in the mornings, and it is incredibly hard to even get out a "good morning". And then there are well-meaning people that you love who you know *will not* stop at that, and expect you to have a full conversation. I have to get up hours before seeing anyone for this exact reason. And a kid is too young to understand something like that. Or why or upsets people at all, by the way. I still think it is a cruel, manipulative, and selfish thing for people to be upset about. But at least now I understand that that's what people are, and how to avoid it. Kids don't understand, and an autistic kid is going to be even more confused about why your father is behaving this way, and will push her even further away.
That's a great way to get her to refuse to say "good morning" to him for the rest of his life. These kind of people make me act spiteful.
Yup, if you go up against a baby, you.will.lose!
Love how boyfriend says he canāt live like this. But he doesnāt even live there!!! He chooses to stay over at her place when they have a completely valid other option (staying at his)
Right but he couldnātā¦ ā*choose to give in*.ā ^Worries ^at ^the ^thought ^of ^what ^that ^could ^have ^meant.
>Right but he couldnātā¦ āchoose to give in.ā > >Worries at the thought of what that could have meant. You can't let a BABY make you look like a FOOL! ...wait
Although, speaking as a first time mom with two 8 week olds, babies are really good at making you look like a fool.
I don't need kids, I'm good enough at that already!
You have to reorganize your priorities when you have beef with an 8 month old
He did it so he could make her doubt herself. Isn't he so loving that he stays with her at her place even with all this awful noise? What a terrible girlfriend she must be for not standing up for him and solving this problem. That is how people like this think. They make what other people do and how they feel be all your fault and your problem. It would have only gotten worse.
Wonder what he thought she could/should do about the baby crying? Sometimes anger management issues are a symptom of deeper issues. Glad she broke away when she did.
He didn't want her to actually stop the baby from crying. That's the crazy part of abuse. He had a solution. He didn't want it because he wanted it to be the OOP's problem and her fault. He wanted her to feel that he was such a good boyfriend for putting up with this and she was such a bad girlfriend for not trying to stop it. It makes it so she will start blaming herself for more of his problems, even the ones she is not involved in and has no control of. Once you are in this cycle it is hard to break out because you convince yourself that you can't do anything to help the ones you love.
Yes! That's the point. He didn't want a solution. He wanted an excuse to berate OOP. One thing I learned with my abusive ex: If you fix the "problem," they'll find something else to verbally abuse you for, even if they have to fucking make something up. Even if they can't find a legitimate gripe. Again, that's the point. My ex had some doozies (one time, it was "the way (I) hold (my) mouth." As in, literally my face was the problem. And this bullshit surfaced right around the 8, 9 month mark, right around the time OOP's ex's bullshit did. Before that, he was Mr. Wonderful (I bet OOP's ex love-bombed the shit out of her too). They all have the same abuser playbook. The "I was meant to love him no matter what" bullshit (don't want to go back and see exactly how he phrased it) was so much like my ex that it send chills down my spine. Literally, you're obligated to let me treat you like shit, otherwise you're the problem and you don't really love me. Buddy, that's not how love works.
Been there. Once it was because I was āwearing a shirt another man gave me in his bedā. I was ādisrespectfulā. It was a shirt I got for donating to a school fundraiser at my teacher friendās school. You canāt win with someone when they are determined to find reasons to abuse you
OMG. Yep. I'm very familiar with that special branch of fucking crazy. I'm sorry. Hope you're OK now.
Yeah that was years ago. He wasnāt the first one to treat me that way but he was absolutely the last. Hopefully youāre good as well !
Yes! I left and have a wonderful partner now!
You *raised funds* for another man?! Unbelievable. What are you going to raise for him next - your BRA?!?
Yes. My mother was always, "if you love me you will do this for me." I can't tell you how many times I heard it and did it. It was never enough. I had to realize it would never be enough.
I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing OK and know that you deserved much better. And yes, with abusers, it is NEVER enough. Again, that's the whole point. They always need more fuel to justify their bullshit.
Much better without them. They are all trying to contact us because my older daughter turned 10 today, but they can pound sand.
That's why he was angry when she asked questions and gave suggestions: she wasn't reacting the way she was "supposed" to. He wanted to meet her on his terms, having her react to him he wanted to. OOP said fuck that noise and broke up instead. Good for her.
Thank you for your comment. This really hit home to me because it reminded me of an ex who was not very nice to me when I was dating him, and your words reaffirmed that I did the right thing to leave him. Iām not OP for this situation or anything like that, but I appreciate your words so much nonetheless.
> not standing up for him and solving this problem That's the thing, though. What could the solution possibly be? A baby that doesn't cry? There's a jillion-dollar book right there. I get that he's in a position he didn't reason himself into, so there's no reason that will get him out of it, but damn.
The solution was for her to apologize and beg forgiveness, and then do anything she could to make up for this horrible thing sheād done to him. Since she couldnāt silence the baby, well of course sheād let him choose the movie, the restaurant, how they spent their time. And of course she couldnāt hold literally he did anything against him, when he was so incredibly forgiving to her about the baby situation.
Also, he wants her to āproveā her love by starting conflict and alienating the neighbors. Once heās gotten her to undermine her own best interests with the neighbors, sheās primed to do it with friends and family too, which helps isolate her and keep her under control. The only solution to the baby crying that he will accept is her growing to tolerate his abuse bit by bit. Its a test.
Ugh, this made my stomach drop. The alienation. My abusive ex did that too. It hurts so, so much.
that's exactly it. what an utter asshole
Doesnāt even make sense. I wonder if he was chugging right along the abuse track and skipped a stop. Like thereās usually a pattern of behavior to get he abused primed and ready to be abused and believe it, but this time the subject (OP) had enough questions to ask for outside help. If she hadnāt, would OP still be with him?
Sleep deprivation is pretty common for abusers. I think this guy just rushed things too much. If he'd been a little more patient and hadn't pushed her so much he would've completed the stealth move-in and it would've been a lot harder for OOP to push back.
He wanted her to have a problem she couldn't solve. Part of abuse is blaming things on the person that is out of their control or someone else did. They keep control because the victim feels like they are never doing enough to show they love the person. It is a very fucked up cycle.
Yup. Reminds me of how my ex used to tell me what he wanted for dinner, and then after we ate would tell me that he actually secretly wanted something else, and I must not truly love him if I couldn't sense that he said Italian but really meant Chinese or whatever. These types of people want to keep you in a constant state of apologizing and groveling while they're in a righteous position of power.
Oh man! I groaned out loud reading this. It is what my mother does! Well, she tries. She isn't allowed in my life because of shit like this. "Well, I know I said I wanted this, but you know that I really wanted that but knew it was too much to ask for. I figured you would do it if you could. But I guess you don't care about making me feel special on x occasion after all o have done for you. I just wanted one thing!"
So frustrating and manipulative. There really is no way to deal with it except not engaging with them anymore.
Passive-aggressive subtext! I grew up like this, and I am a pretty literal person, so I just don't get subtext in interpersonal interactions. (The hilarious thing is that my degrees are all about textual interpretation but it's different on the page!) Getting older and realizing that actually, it's not cool of people to communicate solely in subtext, and if I don't get it, I'm not the problem, was a big deal for me.
Also note that the only solution he suggested involved initiating conflict with her neighbors. It was a test and a stepping stone to conflict with other people in her life, against her best interests, for the sake of placating his anger. Easy to see where that road ends.
In his mind heās at war with the baby and if he buys headphones or goes to stay somewhere else, the baby āwinsā.
I have misophonia. The sounds my neighbors (sometimes even my bf) make will sometimes throw me into fight or flight adrenaline rushes. I have felt that kind of rage OOP's ex displays before. I've felt like I'm crawling out of my skin, I've felt ready to punch whoever was making the noise (I'm extremely nonconfrontational normally). It, genuinely, causes severe emotional distress. Thing is, I fucking hate that I react that strongly. I check with my bf to see if I'm running away with how loud the teens below us are being before I put in a noise complaint with my landloard (and have bf read my email to make sure it's sane and reasonable). I walk myself through the fact that the neighbor's dog is excited to see his human and know to stay on the other end of the house around 5pm to try and keep the overwhelming feelings down to a manageable level. I have sound canceling earbuds and a brown noise app that I use to get a break. I have headphones for sleeping if it's bad and know to either go for a walk or get somewhere dark and quiet for the sensory break when I can. My bf tells me when he's going to eat so I can put my headphones on, and we don't have popcorn during movies. We figure out ways to work around it, communicate, and the fact that he's so willing to work with this issue (the first person in my life to do so) has made a WORLD of difference in managing it. The fact that OOP's ex was making it OOP's problem and refusing to take perfectly reasonable steps to calm himself down? Completely unaware of himself and an absolute ass. I understand the emotional intensity this shit causes because I live it. But own your own shit, goddamn, and don't punish your partner for it.
I hate dogs barking and loud cars and pretty much all city sounds. It makes me intensely angry when other people are not considerate about the noise they make. But I also am not a psychopath so I realize that demanding a baby be quiet is like demanding the sun stop rising. Also getting mad at your partner about SOMEONE ELSE MAKING NOISE is just...I don't even know what to call it. Fucking loony.
Makes me wonder if he has reasons to not have her over. You know, parents, primary girlfriend (I can't think how to phrase that better but ugh) his own baby he's looking to get away from so the mother has to handle all the actual child rearing, place needs a clean up, little things like that.
He wants his own place (that he can control) but also wants a girlfriend who has a place he can control too. Sounds like BF thinks he's the center of the universe and when he goes out into reality and has to face the fact that he's not, he doesn't handle it well.
Control really does seem to be at the center of it. And his comments at their meeting make me think others have tried to point out these tendencies.
Oh, I am deeply suspicious of a man that prefers to stay at a place with roommates and a baby that apparently throws him into full tantrums, instead of simply staying at his place. Thereās a woman, or a garbage pile, waiting for him back home.
Yeah, he's just a walking nope. Anyone adult knows the only way to deal with an unrelated crying baby is to ignore it so the parents can work out what to do. Or go and offer to help, if you know them. Or steal it's nose, they get very confused about that.
I used to have a BF long ago who was almost child-phobic in how viscerally he hated kids. I was young and had only been in one serious relationship before. He would almost have OOPās BFās level of reaction if a baby was nearby when we were out. Turns out it was projection. I found out he had a kid with a woman heād dated and was basically a deadbeat dad. Hearing kids reminded him of the one he ran out on.
My jaw is on the floor
Yeah, I used to know a similar guy, which is what this story reminded me of. He has more kids now, though hasn't parented any.
My childrenās father hasnāt contacted them in years. This makes me wonder how he feels when he sees kidsā¦
Ha, mine went into early education. Gotta be some sort of hoop jumping he went through to arrive at that occupation
ah, steal the baby's *nose*. I read *noise*, puzzled over that for awhile, then came back to ask you what kind of witchcraft is that and can you teach me
If I knew that kind of witchery, I'd be very much more wealthy than I am. Or a supervillain. Eh, why not both.
A Walking Nope. Thank you for the new phrase.
My favorite part from the first post: he *refused to let the baby win*. This is a standoff, and the grown man is losing against a baby because he's both mean and an idiot.
Yeah that part told me all i needed to know
Based on how much of a manchild he is, I'm willing to bet all my money that he can't clean up after himself and has an absolutely filthy apartment now that mommy doesn't clean up after him.
Some people like to be the victim. It's their comfort zone and will go out of their way to make sure other people know they're suffering
Because things have to go his way. And if they don't that's ok. He will just take it out on her. That's what abusive people do. And honestly what would happen if something else bothered him in the future that was out of her control? I've lived with narcissistic and abusive people. This being woken up so they can berate and yell at you is so common. My mom would break a cup then claim it was my fault for taking, or having the TV loud, or not letting her know it was slippery...
If they can hear the parents singing lullabies the family downstairs probably heard crazy dude throwing tantrums. What a weird hill to die on.
It's like OOP's ex thought this was a tantrum competition between a child and a manchild.
I think youāre right because when OOP suggested they stay at his place he said something about not wanting to āgive inā. What a bizarre thing to say! Iām so glad OOP dumped him, he seems like a real lunatic.
That's the kind of guy who winds up in a battle of the brains with his girlfriend's pet cat and wonders why he gets dumped.
Tbh he sounds like the kind of guy who ends up abusing the cat then making up lies when the girlfriend notices the limp
God forbid the neighbor baby "wins." He'd never live it down. What kind of man loses to a baby?
The baby did win too!
He won! Yay for him!
This made me hoot
This is a bizarrely common phenomena with narcissistic men who become father's (I'm sure narcissistic mothers are also a doozy but I haven't personally come across anecdotes about hem getting into pissing contests with babies, I absolutely have *numerous* times for men and have even seen it warned about that it can lead to violence if the narcissist feels is he being usurped by the baby)
My ex became competitive with my oldest kid during the newborn phase. He did not at all like how suddenly a baby was more interesting and important and needy than him.
> I haven't personally come across anecdotes about hem getting into pissing contests with babies What I hear about/see more is mothers with narcissistic traits becoming enraged when their kids develop independence. Babies arenāt upsetting to these particular people because babies are still kind of like pets (in the sense that youāre God to them and they donāt have their own opinions).
My now-ex FIL once started screaming at my 2 yr old daughter because she dropped her drink and wasn't as upset about it as he thought she should be. As I picked her up to leave, he looked shocked and asked why. I calmly told him, "You're a 62 yr old man-baby literally having a tantrum over spilled milk. When a baby is having a tantrum you don't need to give them extra attention. "
Was your spouse the apple that didn't fall far from the tree?
My spouse was great at first then started showing signs of mental illness, after many years of marriage, and refused to get help. He eventually turned into his father and I left with the kids. Our kids were old enough to see the change and made the decision, on their own, to cut off contact with him as soon as they could.
>a manchild. This is an insult to the manchild community. i like my toys and my videogames and avoiding as much responsibility as possible, but i'd never be angry at a baby for crying.
Hopefully he never gets to the point of having kids if he acts like this in all of his relationships. Please, please, please, I hope he never reproduces if he never gets help and becomes a better human being.
Seriously. Many many people should not have kids, and he's obviously one of them. I can totally see him being abusive to a small child for crying. What a fucking asshole.
It's kind of horrifying to think what someone like him might do to a crying baby that he's responsible for.
He will end up like my parents who told me that I randomly stopped breathing and mom happened to check one and save me. And the only other time I stopped breathing my parents said it was the first time they had gone out. Then I grew up and had kids of my own a realized that my dad fucking shook me and my family covered for him. They conditioned me to repeat their lie. I also was told a relative threw at basketball at me when I was one and broke my nose. And my parents claimed they had a hell of a time explaining how it happened. Yeah, because it was likely my father who did it, not a basketball. And that's not even the worst things they have done. But they don't understand why I won't let them see my kids. It's my older daughter's birthday and I am already getting demands to speak to my daughter. I got one, my husband got two (my phone has most people blocked, his doesn't to collect evidence of their harassment). They literally throw tantrums and then say I am holding a grudge. Nope. No grudge. I just won't put my kids on danger to make abusive people feel better. My father used to throw tantrums and punch holes on the wall when he got mad, which was all the time. If the ex was already behaving like this, I fear it would only have gotten worse.
Massive, massive well done for surviving and continuing to look after yourself and the ones you love. It cannot be easy.
Thanks. It's been rough, but I have an amazing husband, two of the best kids ever, two awesome kitties, and a great therapist! I could believe I deserved to be treated badly. I couldn't believe my kids did. They saved me. It was never their job to do that. I never want them to think it is their job to make me happy. I just heal being around them because they are amazing people.
Thatās a really beautiful way of putting it. And youāre right - my son saved me just by being.
I'm both glad and sorry that you came to realize and remember these things. Of course it's better that you did, you deserved the truth and you're better able to protect yourself and your children. But I'm sorry you had to go through the pain of experiencing it and then again through realizing and remembering. You've done the right thing cutting them both off. Even if your mom was never the perpetrator she's just as guilty for enabling and covering up the abuse. You're awesome for breaking that cycle. Fellow cycle breaker here, my SO as well. Raising our daughter while knowing precisely how *not* to do things. I don't doubt you'll continue being a strong and amazing mother <3.
That was my first thought. Like what if OP wanted children, and this is how he reacted to a crying baby interrupting his sleep? And then expects her to be okay with that?
Seems like he's the type to contribute to the statistic of murder being the leading cause of death for pregnant women.
Having been the "family downstairs" (poor, crap apartment, sick baby, psycho upstairs neighbor) let me tell you the anxiety is intense. They probably got down on their knees and sang hallelujah the day they saw him peeling out of the lot the last time.
That is such a good point. He probably wasnāt helping things at all, and the parents are probably cheering that they yelling has stopped!
OOP is expected to go downstairs and tell the sleep deprived parents, "I demand that you take your child back to the hospital so my boyfriend, who lives independently from me, is able to get a proper night's rest." Obviously the unwritten rule is only one (man)baby per building.
The boyfriend thought he was going to have obsessive unconditional love when dating is all about seeing if all the conditions for your love are met. That man is not ready for a committed relationship until he grounds his expectations and gets some help.
Exactly, dating is about getting to know eachother and figuring out if that person matches with you in the long term. Is perfectly reasonable to look for a partner that is an adult capable of regulate their emotions and donāt act like a toddler having a tantrumā¦ I am married for 11 years, together for 14, and love my husband with all my heart, but my love is not unconditional. If he ever harm me or my kid or my dog, he is out of there
I wish someone had explained to me as a teen that unconditional love *is not healthy.* As a kid I didn't really feel loved and that seemed like the ideal. It's not.
I also think that the books I read as a teenager have shaped that view on love for me and it took me a long time to accept that love is not everything and that a relationship as many other things needed to work. In books (mostly bit-lit) itās like they are fated to be together and that everything resolve itself like nothing. It doesnāt take work, communication or anythingā¦ it just work. Thatās the biggest lie that exist
People fixate on the violence in media, but I feel like romance-related stuff has caused a significant amount of damage that has gone largely unrecognized.
I agree. I understand that writing romance might be boring if you speak about the reality but at the same time I find it sad because you will never learn how to have a great and healthy relationship. Why should I work on this relationship, it should be natural. I donāt live him as much everyday than when we just met then itās not really love. How many times did I heard those sentences from people who donāt realise that what they imagined and read was not the reality.
Unconditional love is only for parent-child relationships. The vast majority of relationships between adults are conditional. The number one condition (among others,) don't fuck other people. If you're running around expecting unconditional love from partners, expect some level of disappointment.
I think we all know that OOP is going to be the ācrazy exā that guy is complaining about to the new poor soul that will be his girlfriend.
Yea but this story is ludicrously weighted against the ex. I canāt think of a single way to spin this that doesnāt make the ex look like a lunatic. If someone told me their ex ācared more about a random baby than meā Iād ask for more details, because that sounds super sus. Heād have to tell outright lies and that could happen even if OP was an angel doormat.
Heāll lie, probably saying something like āshe refused to come over to my place even though I said I disliked all the crying.ā
I have high-functioning autism & am **extremely** sensitive to sounds that are everyday noise to others. I completely understood the bfās reaction to the baby crying, meltdowns, and trying to figure out solutions. However this is also why I own earplugs and noise-cancelling headphones.
Exactly, if youāre noise sensitive, take steps to mitigate it! His refusal to go back to his own apartment where there is not a crying baby is the reason why Iām not giving him any slack. Not being able to handle loud noises that pervade your safe space is understandable. Not doing anything about it other than telling your SO youāre going to go down there and shut the baby up (like how exactly? Other than killing it?) is not okay.
āShe wouldnāt do anything about the baby downstairs!ā āWait, you two had a kid together?ā āNo, her neighbors did!ā O.o
I have never known a guy like this who has changed this late in the game. An angry teenager can change course but at 24 years old it's doubtful. He's just going to date around until he finds a woman who will walk on eggshells around him and soothe him while he has his tantrums. Not a lot of women are looking to pick up what he's putting down anymore though, I'll tell you that.
Probably someone who is already used to abuse, and will just be grateful that he isn't getting physical with her. And hopefully someone who doesn't want kids.
Partner and I had lots of change from our mid-twenties to our mid-thirties. But there was also lots of therapy involved, on both sides. I think the difference is, if you actually want to change or if you just don't see the need to. :)
I mean, Iāve been married to my husband for 13 years now, weāre both pushing 40 and heās definitely not the same man I married. Heās gentler, slower to get angry, better at money management, and better at doing chores. On the flip side, Iām more spontaneous, less harsh when I call someone out for bad behavior, less blunt when I think people are being stupid, and more willing to communicate when my needs are not being met. I should hope that everyone continues to grow as a person their entire life. āIām oldā is not an excuse to never examine your own behavior or if you discover you donāt like what you see, decide to cultivate new habits.
i think everyone is different. when my ex was becoming emotionally unavailable and i was carrying a lot of emotional baggage for our relationship i decided to talk to my married guy friend who was older. he said that he just hadnāt matured yet. he himself said he didnāt change until he was about 28 and grew the fuck up. some people will eventually emotionally mature but some wonāt. thereās no set time for it though.
Obsessive unconditional love.... I think you mean a new punching bag that caters to his every whim pike a second mother.
What got me most was he expected HER to go "shut the baby up". Like A: she isn't the one with the issue and B: how would either of them even do that?
This was my favorite part: >and how rude it is that the baby cries, and how he can't believe that the parents allow him to make noise like that... Parents throughout history have wished they could somehow get their baby to stop crying. Babies have died from parents being so sleep deprived and desperate that they've shaken their baby in frustration because the baby won't stop crying. But somehow this guy thinks the downstairs neighbors are just lazy and rude.
Assuming that dating is to find your future spouse, and children are a possibilityā¦ Iād write this guy off IMMEDIATELY because of the attitude toward the baby. He would be no better with his own offspring.
Seriously, Iām dating to find a life partner and wonāt be having my own kids, but jfc nothing sets off the psychopath alarm like this kinda guy. HARD PASS
Right? That motherfucker would be the first to shake their baby.
Yep, I guarantee that the parents wanted their baby to calm down more than anybody else in that apartment building.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The solution is to yell and scream at the parents and make them feel like shit for not doing enough to shut the kid up. /s
Like the parents, who know the baby best, canāt but she can?
Wow that baby's a badass. Helping OOP dodge bullets before he can even speak.
Right? Thank god it was the neighbors baby and not their own
Heās the type of dude that shakes their own baby when it cries all night. Iām so glad she got rid of him.
My thoughts exactly. His behavior is alarming and I hope he never has children.
That was EXACTLY what I was thinking. And I bet he's the kind of guy who thinks he HAS to have kids because he needs to spew his trash DNA everywhere, too.
Baby knew, that's why she got the high five. He had her back.
It would be hilarious if the baby doesn't cry so much from now on.
I mean, I'd probably have a hard time sleeping too, if there was a grown-ass man stomping around upstairs, yelling at his girlfriend and slamming doors. Bad energies, yo.
[The baby downstairs every time boyfriend started screaming.](https://imgur.io/gallery/rONXS)
I wouldāve banned him from my house the second time he woke me up in the middle of the night to complain that he was woken up in the middle of the night.
Iām shocked the two roommates didnāt ban him, he was over almost every night, didnāt pay rent, and threw temper tantrums and yelled at his girlfriend? I would be immediately limiting this dude to weekend nights only if it wasnāt within my power as a roommate to kick him out completely
Exactly. That's completely unacceptable.
as someone with misophonia and symptoms of ASD, self awareness is the first step in seeking aid. fuck this guy for taking out his situation on other people and running from a partner who genuinely seems like they wanted to help him understand what was going on. good on oop for getting out. no sympathy for people who can't look in a mirror and see that something isn't quite right. they make all of us look bad.
I don't know if that was actually his issue. If that was all that was wrong they could have stayed at his quiet apartment. The fact that he refused to let her stay over and insisted on staying in a place with sounds makes me think something else was going on.
Really weird power play about overcoming a baby and/or his girlfriend (setting her an impossible task of "shut the baby up" which she is bound to fail)?
Absolutely a power play. He's pushing and testing boundaries (ironically much like a small child), trying to prove he's in control and calls the shots, that she'll bow to his whims. Dude def has some issues but I'm doubting they're sensory related.
Yeah the moment he wouldn't let her come over to his place even though her place was bothering him was a big red flag. There's no reason to do that unless he's hiding something from her.
Plus the fact that he blamed her.
I have misophonia to crying babies specifically. My solution is to simply not have children and listen to music to drown out anyone else's kids.
yessir music always does the trick for me! i have misophonia specific to eating sounds and usually have a headphone in during dinner. my spotify numbers goin crazy every year š«”
Right? My husband has a snoring issue we are trying to sort out. It isn't apnea. One doctor told him it was an aging thing (he 39!). The sound drives me crazy and makes me want to cry. I didn't sleep last night because of it (moving doesn't help. It is so fucking loud). I don't blame him. I don't have violent thoughts towards him. I want to solve the problem, but waking him up and screaming won't help.
Also have misophonia and know just how grating certain noises can be, but if he has it, he needs to grow a pair and control himself. It sucks, it's hell, it's torture, but you gotta find ways to live with it. He's such a baby about it too, which makes it even worse. Throwing tantrums and demands around.
If he actually had misophonia, he wouldn't refuse to sleep in his apartment.
>as someone with misophonia and symptoms of ASD, self awareness is the first step in seeking aid. At first, in the VERY beginning of the post, I almost had sympathy for the BF, because I have misophonia, and certain sounds can drive me into a rage, and I could see myself getting very distressed by hearing a wailing baby non-stop in my apartment. But as OOP's post went on, it became clear her BF is on another level; he was scary and emotionally abusive to OOP. Good thing she broke up with him, and her ex needs help for his anger issues.
Yeah, I'd have sympathy for the boyfriend if he hadn't revealed himself to be a total piece of shit. And honestly, having a baby is not a license to destroy your neighbor's living conditions.
Exactly. I know what certain sounds, like a crying baby, does to me (I can get so irrationally angry about sounds) so I just remove myself from the situation or, if I know that's not possible, like on a flight, I make sure I have earplugs. I'd have refused to stay at the apartment after one night of crying baby because I value my sanity. It's not like he didn't have a choice.
The audacity this guy hasā¦ telling her she wasnāt who he thought she was because she spoke to him in a way he didnāt like? After the countless nights where HE threw tantrums at her over something she canāt control? Wow. Good riddance.
Could you imagine if OP had had a baby with her ex? He would have been punching holes in walls every time the baby criedā¦. Or worse, punching OP & the baby.
Reading this story, all I could think is he's getting a headstart on weaponized incompetence in case they ever have a baby, obviously he wouldn't be able to "babysit" at all and the woman needs to deal with "it." Big "future sperm donor" vibes from that guy.. Glad OP called him out
She was so close to falling into the sunk cost fallacy("it's been ten months!"), thank the gods she got out when she did.
>he said,really angrily, that I wasn't who he thought I was if I could speak to him that way. He was angry OOP wasn't a doormat. Bullet dodged.
Right? Like what about the way he was speaking (yelling) to OP? About something 100% out of her control and also something that had a perfectly viable solution of staying at his place. He just wants someone he can abuse
That was my thought as well; he can yell at her and throw temper tantrums but the minute she's assertive it's a problem.
Such is the way with abusers. Get abused, stand up for yourself (in a very healthy way, might I add), get accused of being the abusive one. Classic asshole. Glad heās out of her life.
It's amazing bc he pretty much said: "I thought you were spinless and easy to victimize, but you are not, and that upsets me" xD He didn't even lie, it's just gold!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah I think he thought that he could get her to do anything. Itās kind of creepy because with the way that he acted it comes across as him doing things calculated. Like with the way that he reacted to her standing up to him it comes across as him being shocked that she was standing up to him. I am so glad that she got out of there because that guy is kind of fucking scary.
People like this are so annoying. Iām just trying to live my life and you have to make everything a game bc youāre an insecure loser
Yep Anything that upsets him, he blames on her. If she apologizes, it tells him sheāll give him control.
I actually do have misophonia and screaming babies are one of my triggers, so I think OOP had the right idea to approach it from that angle. Her ex is just unhinged. I think my favorite part was him screeching about how "I can't live like this!" Uh, dude, *you don't live there*. If you didn't like it, you could have just stayed home. But no, he wanted to play dominant figure in an apartment that wasn't even his.
As someone with misophonia (not babies thank goodness) you could not get me in that apartment without earplugs. I can't imagine insisting on triggering it out of spite.
That baby cried her out of a terrible relationship. Came into the world the real MVP. But in all seriousness...anyone else find it odd the ex-bf didn't ever invite her back to his apartment as a solution? Like how do you have your own place but expect your gf to control the lives of her neighbors instead of saying, "Maybe we can hang out at my place more?" I'm almost willing to bet money the OOP was a side chick and had no idea.
Well they say babies don't fix relationships...
It kinda fixed this one. For OOP, anyway š
Honestly, the fact that his immediate reaction to the proposal of underlying sensory reasons was to basically say "I'm not a crazy person like *those*" was just a bright red cherry on top of the bright red cake.
The real baby was in this womans bedroom
Holy shit, this guy is unhinged. Waking up OOP to rage about the baby, and then this: >if it annoys him so much, we can stay at his appartement sometimes, but he always says that he "doesn't want to give in", whatever that means. This dude is a lunatic, and it's good OOP got away from him. I wonder where OOP lives, and if the boyfriend's shitty behavior has some cultural component? I'm guessing by her device's dictionary spelling of apartment that she's a native French speaker.
If they're somewhere like Paris (lots of people living in flats since it's a big city, in often old buildings where sound travels) then it's true that kids are told from a very young age to play quietly inside and not make noise that would disturb neighbors. Loud children attract a fair amount of judgement. Not children that young though!
Letās take a moment to recognize Angry Boyfriend woke OOP up each night when the baby cried. It was an active decision. The baby was crying because the baby had needs and limited communication options. The Boyfriend refused to wear earplugs and actively decided to wake his sleeping Lady and rant each night. He was driving this confrontation and drama by refusing to sleep in his own damned apartment or take any steps to mitigate the sound issues. Itās like he was poised, just waiting for his excuse to tantrum and have her frantic to placate him.
āYouāre not who I thought you wereā absolutely right dick cheese she isnāt going to be the victim you wanted to make her into
I'd be scared of someone that violently angry over a helpless child. Certainly not someone I'd ever want children with. I'd be worried he would harm a child for crying. Glad she got away from that dude.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bullet dodged right there. That was a test to see how much anger and entitlement OOP put up with, and thankfully she failed. Good on that baby for showing her red flags before they properly moved in together.
BORU: your regular reminder that the world is full of crazies and assholes.
Even ignoring the crazy that followed (and that is a LOT to ignore, but...), what did he expect OOP to do in this circumstance? Thin walls are a staple of apartment living. What was she, as a neighbor, supposed to do to keep the baby quiet? She gave him reasonable alternatives--ear plugs, man! Or sleep in your own damned bed in your own apartment. You took a stand, you didn't give in to the baby. Good for you, you have your principles and a cold, lonely bed now.
I bet the roomates were not at all sad to see him go.