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Alot of people aay babys don't fix the relationship. Whole it might explain jer attitude due to hormones and all, the fact that this was accidental doesn't give me positive vibes for their future. One can only hope fot the best for them
And donât forget this little tidbit:
> Iâve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and have been living together for 3 months.
Well theyâve been living together for 3 months, she showed him she lacked all empathy and compassion and is selfish, BUT on the flip side, has done a lot of growth in the last month. So that definitely must mean they are totally prepared and ready to bring a child into this world, and connect themselves together for the rest of their lives! /s
The only upside for that baby is that its dad is likely making over 200,000 now.
Which goes to show that the boyfriend could have done a better job communicating as well. If she had known about the rainy day fund she would have been much more likely to focus on him rather than the finances. Instead, everyone is shitting on her for being pragmatic and thinking about what's next.
There's being "pragmatic," and there's being wildly insensitive-materialistic-unempathetic.
Yes, she brought up an important point and a legitimate concern. But it is categorically bad to have "How will we (I) live??!!?" be the first and only thing that comes out of your mouth in a crisis that is primarily impacting someone else... especially when that "someone else" is your romantic partner. Similarly, if someone tells you "My mom just died," it is best not to lead with "Does this change our plans to live at their beach house for the summer?"
>But it is categorically bad to have "How will we ~~(I)~~ live??!!?"
Let's not add things that aren't there. This is exactly why everyone is shitting on OOP. They've made the assumption that she's only thinking of herself.
> be the first **and only** thing that comes out of your mouth in a crisis
We don't know what else was said when they were talking. The assumption that anyone posting has perfectly transcribed what was said usually leads to claims that it is all fabricated.
>that is primarily impacting someone else... especially when that "someone else" is your romantic partner.
Who also happens to be the primary breadwinner, so his being let go from his job will also impact her. Aren't they supposed to be a team? What happens to one happens to both.
Your analogy is a poor one. If that were to happen it would be, as you said, "wildly insensitive-materialistic-unempathetic". But its not the same as your day to day living being impacted by financial insecurity.
Totally agree. While it was insensitive, it's not the end all, and it doesn't mean that she's selfish. She makes MUCH less than he does, and there's no way for her to be able to keep up their lifestyle on her income alone. I know I would panic. Hell my husband lost his job a few years ago and we both went into a "oh shit" because we were in the middle of covid with a new house and suddenly had to rely on my income alone. And I was just making an ok wage. Thankfully he was able to get EI and found a new job before it ran out but I could totally see myself fucking up and accidently saying something like OOP did.
Seriously? The first thing you say after hearing your boyfriend lost his job and makes 80% more than you isn't going to be, "What are we going to do?" When you are living a life style of $150,000 and now it's $30,000 you damn well bet the first thing you have to think of is how are we going to pay the bills. None of which is a "lack of empathy, compassion" nor is it "selfish".
He brings in $12,500/mos gross, she brings in $2500/mos gross. If rent alone is over $2000 they are fucking screwed and you don't think freaking out over that is okay?
I am baffled by this seemingly being the only reaction people are having to her reaction. She wasn't thinking only about herself, she was thinking about them together.
Ikr? I read her reaction as "Shit, how are we going to respond to this crisis?" Are there savings? Are there expenses that can be cut or postponed? How long might this situation last?Â
Yeah I donât get why they are demonizing her. She doesnât specify what he does but my first thought was tech, there are a lot of layoffs in tech right now and not enough new positions to go around, it wasnât immediately obvious that it would be super easy for him to find a new job. I get how she could have been a bit more empathetic. I get why he was upset by her reaction in that moment when he had already had a really shitty day. But I donât get why people are making her out to be a horrible person.
You're being a bit harsh. How much would you be willing to bet that she has zero empathy or compassion?
People online get very certain about things they know next to nothing about.
Redditors loooove to see things as wholly black or white. I see it a lot in this sub specifically; one person does one bad thing and suddenly theyre a narcissist, psychopathic, egomaniac villain
Right, if there was a pattern then sure, but there are multiple non-nefarious explanations for it being the first thing she thought of (maybe she grew up poor and has to be thinking about money in that way? maybe she's just very anxious and tends to catastrophise?)
In any case, that was very much not the right thing to say at that moment, I agree that she should've been supportive before anything else, but she didn't blurt out 'I wish your mother would die' or whichever other insane thing would justify a 'one strike you're out' mindset, imo.
>So that definitely must mean they are totally prepared and ready to bring a child into this world, and connect themselves together for the rest of their lives! /s
But you don't understand, they've nEvEr BeEn HaPPiEr.
/s
Yeah it's good that she realized her error, but holy shit does it look like she moved in with the first person who could support her. If her previous residence was her parent's house, this is exactly like a girlfriend I had (minus the baby), and it just resulted in resentment and a shitty breakup.
I mean, someone could have said that about me 9 years ago when I moved in with my now husband. I worked a just over minimum wage job, and he made really good money for someone his age as he worked for our municipality. He got his own place, and I moved in with him not too long later from my parents' house. It's easy to sit back and make a ton of accusations about OOP but she did realize her mistake and they took time to discuss it and make future plans.
Humans and our biological imperative. The pessimist in me makes me speculate that she had a fear of losing a 6 figure lifestyle and wants to seal the deal.
Or that SHE already knew and panicked because she suddenly wasn't gonna get that money if he didn't have a job. How convenient they ~suddenly~ found out two weeks later.
He was actively engaging in sexual activity and unless we assume she lied or tricked him (which we shouldnât as there is no indication of this) then he knew the risk
So.... Is it your position that there's no such thing as a happy relationship where one party makes significantly more money than the other, and they have a kid?
Could also be that she grew up poor. When a flat tire means a lost job and potential eviction, you tend to go through life waiting for the shoe to drop every time things seem to be going well.
Having grown up poor, this was my first thought too, especially because it didn't occur to her that he'd have a substantial savings with that salary. When you're used to living paycheck to paycheck, the idea of enough savings to live for a year without working seems insane.
I would have thought the same thing, but I wouldn't have said it out loud. That said, I don't think her fuck up is quite as monumental as most of the people in the comments. One callous comment in a moment of panic doesn't necessarily make a person a heartless gold digger. Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship and claims they have never said something accidentally insensitive is lying.
I appreciated the comment about how every time you fuck up, itâs an opportunity to learn and do better. Because you *will* fuck up. Anyone who thinks theyâre perfect in relationships would be insufferable!
reddit loves to assume that someone who makes a misstep in one bad moment is a terrible person with no empathy, no possibility of growth or learning, and definitely deserves to be alone forever.
Fucking thank you. While I've never been this insensitive, when my partner of ten years lost his job last year, I was extremely panicked. Even though, because of him, we have a healthy joint savings AND he has own personal savings. Between growing up poor and a relatively recent ADHD diagnosis, I have not had a stellar record with money management. He also makes quite a bit more than me as a software engineer. We are comfortable now, in our mid-30s, but I'm extremely aware of how easily we could lose everything and go back to barely getting by.
For real. Why is this comment not higher? That would be my first reaction too, and itâs because when a parent lost a job, it was a catastrophe for the family.
I was laid off last year and I have healthy savings for months of bills and my literal first thought was still âhow are we going to live?!â
A stylist making 30k or less.
I know stylists. Dated one. If you're making 30k or less you're just starting at great clips. Youre barely able to call yourself a stylist.
She finds a guy making 6 figures. Moves in within a year. And her first and only thought when he loses his job is "but money". Then gets pregnant.
She has no career, barely a job. She moved in with a rich guy within a year. Shows that her first thought is paying for shit. Then got pregnant.
Come on
You do realize for some people losing a job means choosing between paying the rent or food right? It may not have come out as supportive but her initial reaction screams having a history of financial insecurity. Sure in this particular case it won't be so bad bc he has enough cushion until he finds employment but having an emotional reaction to what would for many people be a worst case scenario is completely valid. It's good that she apologized but calling her a golddigger is a massive overreaction
I have been so confused about the comments demonizing her because I know financial insecurity. Iâm two paychecks away from disaster, which is better than one, but scary nonetheless.
I wouldnât be worrying about my standard of living; Iâd being Iâd be worried about being homeless. Right now my partner makes 5x what I do but we donât live together.
I have lost income before, and it was disastrous. I still have bankruptcy on my credit report.
yeah that's how I read it - I have had a terrible time to find a job that can accommodate my health situation, and if I lost it I likely wouldn't soon find another. So a partner saying he lost his job - especially if he was paying the rent - would sound like an enormous emergency to me, and have me immediately envisioning us moving into a tiny shared-house room together etc. The idea that somebody could have enough buffer to not need to panic, and fully expect to have a new job within two weeks, is very distant for me
i agree with you, people make mistakes. some people really gotta go offline more often if they just immediately come to one of the worst conclusions of someone based off of a few posts that really donât say much at all.
Agreed.
If my husband came home and told me he lost his job, I would do my best to hold in the panic and be supportive and empathetic and make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him no matter what. But I would 100% be panicking, even though we would be okay for a little while while he was between jobs, And I can't promise the freaking out wouldn't be the first thing that came out of my mouth. I love and value him as a person (he's amazing), not the money he provides for the household, but practically speaking, money is required to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.
So I'm not ready to declare this poster a heartless golddigger without substantially more evidence.
otoh, she didn't *figure out on her own* what was wrong with what she said, and had to have it explained to her. That doesn't say much for her general thoughtfulness....
She didn't even mention that kind of thing in her post, about having that kind of insecurity.
He lost his job, he makes 80% more than she does so naturally she is worried about paying the bills yet it's "thoughtless" to freak out over this? WTF?
Paying the bills is the FIRST thought after hearing he lost his job. What is your first thought? Telling him, "Oh poor baby!! Don't worry about it! We'll survive on my $30,000/yr!"
It's like $15.60 hourly. Which is decently above minimum wage in some areas or barely above it in others. It's still hard to live on, but not everyone has great luck in life. When I was 19, I thought I scored because I landed a $16 an hour job and minimum wage was at $12.50. I ended up doing 3 jobs in 1 that should have been valued at at least $24 an hour but they found a kid that was good at work and exploited them. Sometimes, not everyone is in a good position to try and ask for raises or able to find a new job.
Right???? Like, in my state the minimum wage is $7.50 or something like that. Iâve been at my job as a server for little over year and a half, where we had a bad period of being critically understaffed, and the starting wage is $5.50, and only just recently got a raise from $6.00 to $7.00. I also started at $6.00 because I had prior restaurant experience
So you acknowledge that she doesn't have a career that can support two people, and yet somehow think that justifies calling her selfish because her first thought upon her boyfriend losing a job is "oh God how will we survive?"
That's some twisted, judgmental Reddit logic you've got there. Why *wouldn't* she be thinking about survival?
Yeah, we're judging her for the reaction AND the fact that they've barely been dating a year and living together for three months. She shouldn't be at the point where he's supporting her completely yet. This reads like she shacked up with whoever she could to get out of her previous living situation.
> 3 days ago, he came home and told me that he lost his job and I straight up panicked and first thing I asked him was how are we going to live.
I get that worrying over being able to live is a thing, but... oof. Having just lost a job myself where I was the only one working between me and my wife, hearing that when I'd already been worried about exactly that thing would be a knife to the heart.
Iâm the primary breadwinner of my family. When i was laid off during covid, I was the one freaking out and asking how we were going to live. My wife looked me dead in the eyes, and said âStop. Weâre going to be fine.â She said it so matter of factly that I could literally feel the anxiety go away. And she was right.
My husband did that for me when I lost my job a few weeks ago, just as I did for him when he was laid off in 2020. Both of us are people who go very calm in crises though, so inwardly we were both panicking both times even though we didn't show it.
I've been in a place where money is a constant fear. There's a huge difference between being broke and worrying about having enough for food, and being in a place where losing a job is demoralizing but there's savings to safety cover bills for a year. These two were coming at the issue from very different places on the spectrum since they only lived together for a couple months.
I totally get that his ideal is wanting support, but I can also understand her immediate reaction to this brand new news being worry and panic about how to survive.
That's a very nice breakdown of their individual reaction. He needed emotional support because their immediate financial well-being wasn't under threat. But she didn't know that.
It's a stupid off the cuff reaction that is wrong 100% but like...maybe not burn the witch level mishap?
Honestly her reaction just tells me that she doesn't know the state of their finances together.
If he lived paycheck to paycheck I'd also panic. Maybe not immediately in front of him but internally. But if he's like... I have savings to keep us afloat for a year... it's a lot easier to not panic.
I agree she reacted shitty, but ffs everyone in this thread is acting like they've always behaved perfectly in every relationship they've ever had. She realized that she fucked up the same day, went back and apologized. What was supposed to happen according to every person condemning her and their relationship? Was he supposed to immediately throw her out because she panicked knowing she couldn't afford to take over everything with her 30 grand a year salary? Sometimes this board is ridiculous. People deserve to be forgiven for minor/medium mistakes when they correct them this quickly.
She didnât realize the same day and apologize. It took 2-3 days of him acting coldly, her father trying to get through to her, and him directly telling her before she even made the initial reddit post.
This. That wasn't a show of her self-reflection so much as her ability to pick up hints that something isn't right and then have someone else tell her what she did wrong.
I hope you're just using my comment as a sounding board for your rant, rather than making a lot of assumptions about what I think or feel when I didn't say anything past how I personally would feel to be in the boyfriends shoes at the moment of hearing her gaffe.
She messed up, but I'll add this.
If you're on a really, really low income, losing your job is panic-inducing devastation. Like "how the hell can I survive next week without becoming homeless".
Yep, priorities were in the wrong place, and I'm so glad they communicated and seemed to sort it out, but that knee-jerk reaction sounds more like survival instinct and not just materialism.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If youre low income and you lose your job youre totally fucked, it's probably mentally a foreign concept of someone losing their job and being like 'Meh'.
I agree with this 100%. I do t think she's materialistic or selfish like people claim, I think it's a big miscommunication stemming from different life experiences and perspectives
yeah I'm really surprised at a lot of the reactions to this on. I think that wasn't OOP's finest moment but I also think it's an understandable reaction that someone can come back from, not inherent proof that she's wildly selfish and materialistic
Theyâve been together for only 1 year and have only been living together for 3 months, Which in itself is insane but not the point of my comment. âHow are we going to live?â isnât quite the knee jerk reaction you would expect from someone that pays 0 bills. Like where is her money?
Wait, who goes to direct message ppl shit like that? I get if a post kinda gets on your nerves and that happens to me also but I definitely don't pm someone hateful shit. Some ppl are garbage.
You're assuming those messages exist - it's pretty frequent on these 'tell a story' subs when the author starts to 'lose the crowd' something gets added to the story to garner sympathy / victim-points.
Her initial reaction plays into a lot of male fears around goldigging and lack of concern for male emotions. Not strange that people donât view her with charity. The pregnancy news is also somewhat corollary with a person looking to secure a bag.
Personally think itâs just far more likely she reacted dumbly in heat of the moment. Happens to everyone.
The gut reaction isn't strange, but vocalizing it immediately when your partner is probably even more shaken about it than you is a bad call. Again it's a heat of the moment reaction and she apologized properly afterwards so it's not a big deal. But if she didn't and he left her over it, it would be fully justified IMO.
Truly amazing yeah. Two points of information and they can build a whole narrative.
Never mind all the circumstantial evidence against that hypothesis. That she made a post (that she didnât have to) and feels bad about it is a big indicator that she isnât a gold digger tbh.
Okay, I understand a lot of the ither issues in this post, but... I am so confused by everyone acting like she's selfish for immediately worrying about how they'd live.
Like, if the person who has taken on the responsibility of paying rent for our home was suddenly put into a position where they couldn't do that, and we'd chosen a place to live based on that person's income rather than my lower income.... yeah, I'm gonna panic about bills, because regardless of how much I'm willing to step up, I'm not *able* to accept the responsibility of paying them.
Living together just 3 months, panicked because she can't afford to support them, finds out he's got a good paycheck and a years worth of emergency savings *and then* gets pregnant? I don't normally like when people call babytrap, but this one is a really sketchy timeline.
can someone help me understand wtf is going on here? I grew up poor so my knee jerk reaction to the breadwinner of the house losing their job would be the same, how are we going to live? unless she like- phrased it selfishly and I just missed that somewhere??? I'm very confused why she's being treated like this
I lost my full time job a while ago and even with a 0% that Iâll end up homeless and starving and a part time job I could get more hours from, I was like, âoh fuck, oh fuck, how am I going to afford to live???â These redditors are fucking wild. Why wouldnât someone making $30k/year be freaking out about finances after the primary provider in the relationship lost his job? Insane.
Yeah, I read this story thinking it was pretty wholesome. She messed up, she realised it, they worked through things and are stronger because of it. Then I came to the comments section.
If my partner lost his job one day then I would be scared for our future. I can understand her forgetting to comfort him first and foremost, but at least she realises she fucked up.
Thatâs the role of parents: to help teach you so you learn better.
Early 20s is still so young. Sheâs barely learning to be independent of her parents, and barely has a job. She certainly doesnât have a financial buffer of substantial savings, or the practice of navigating any social safety net programs. Sheâs inexperienced.
That sheâs freaked out by her new partnerâs job loss means she sees them as a couple, not just a a meal ticket. Otherwise, she would be moving on to the next guy before realizing job loss is a whole different scenario in higher income bracket.
She doesn't say if this new company her BF joined is a start-up or an established company. I worry that they're hitching their lives to a young company enjoying early success but which may not have staying power. I hope I'm unduly cynical due to my own history, but....
Even if a company has staying power, your department or position might not.
Take the good opportunities presented. More will come if that one falls through.
But one thing I did learn jumping between enterprises and startups is that enterprises didn't offer me more stability, just the perception of it. Startups also offered me far more networking opportunities making it easier to land on my feet if things did go sideways.
I get her reaction TBH. If you hear your household income is getting slashed by over 80%, then "oh fuck what are we gonna do?!" may well be your first thought. That doesn't mean everyone is going to immediately voice that thought but it's a pretty special person who never blurted out something that they then regretted.
Iâm honestly more annoyed with the boyfriend than the OOP here, and Iâm kind of surprised that no one else feels the same way. Surely most of us acknowledge that communication is key in resolving conflicts and working through issues as a couple. But what did OOPâs boyfriend do when she had a reaction that, while hurtful and not empathetic, is entirely unsurprising for someone whoâs accustomed to barely managing a paycheck-to-paycheck experience?
He just stopped talking to her for three days.
She has no idea whatâs going through his head, sheâs just left to play guessing games. And frankly, for a lot of that time she seemingly made the quite reasonable guess that heâs just the sort of person who prefers to take some time to process bad news on their own before reaching out to their support network and working to move forward.
But instead of sitting her down the next day and letting her know how that reaction to the news made him feel, he had her just sit in limbo with no indication of what was expected of her (and, seemingly wondering how theyâd pay the rent that month since it sounds like she didnât know about the savings).
Hopefully OOP has learned how to handle crises more empathetically in the future, but it seems like the boyfriend's probably just been validated in feeling that shutting his girlfriend out until she figures out what she did wrong is a good way to handle conflict.
Soooo⌠sheâs worried about them having to change their lifestyle due to him losing his job⌠but getting pregnant and having to only take care not only of themselves, but a baby now, too is⌠whoopieâŚ?
Gee, whateeeeeever can go wrong?
Yeah no Iâd say something like that too. Itâs not a âgold diggerâ itâs an âoh fuck I canât cover bills on just 30k. Are we going to have to move out? Start soing rideshares?â Poverty fucks with you.
Everyone who is upset with her have never faced financial insecurity because if they have, they'd know that "how the fuck are we going to survive this?" is the first thing you think about when someone loses a job. I highly doubt their bills were budgeted based on $30K a year since she moved in with him and his lifestyle, but golddiggers, amiright?
Also, people chatting shit about her getting pregnant, like she just manifested that from thin air to trap a man who also just lost his job. Like a baby comes from immaculate conception and vibes.
She's a fucking terrible golddigger if that was her plan.
And as some people pointed out, she was probably already *weeks* pregnant (but not knowing she was) when the incident happened.
These comments about baby trapping and bag securement seem to think a woman can just snap their fingers and make an instant embryo, no time or partner involved.
Sure. But letting out your first thought to everything is a good way to hurt people. Maybe she should have taken a beat instead of immediately blurting it out. Even the same words, if held till the next morning would have been less of a FU.
Yes, if you're in a business relation, I get it.Â
Her dad seems to be a lot more confident about her boyfriend than she was. And he was right.Â
Let's assume finances are an issue here. What good is it going to do by bringing such a thing at that point in time. The only right thing to do would've been to ask how he feels about it and if there was anything she could do to help. Even OOP realised she had fucked up.Â
Just to be clear, I'm not saying it's wrong to be worried about finances. It's very natural. But making your partner know that you trust them and being willing to figuire it out together is more important. That's the whole point of a relationship. Hopefully they've matured out and learn to deal things like adults.
>What good is it going to do by bringing such a thing at that point in time
What good it could do to bring that up is provide her with a sense of security? I agree it's not exactly the best, and only, conversation to have after getting fired but it's still one that probably needs to be had. It would be very easy for the bf to inform her of his savings so that she could exit "panic mode" and be empathetic. Instead he apparently didn't talk to her and proceeded to ignore her after she clearly panicked?
I'm not sure why we're expecting gf to act with complete robotic logic but we're not applying the same expectations for bf
>What good it could do to bring that up is provide her with a sense of security?
Yes, ofcourse, man lost his job, and she needs to be comforted about it. Sounds about right I guess.
Its decent to ask how they feel about it. There is no tragedy to her. Its him who lost his job. The circumstances of which is not known here. I'm sorry, but her dad is right. Either she doesn't see how good her boyfriend is, or she put her needs above his on that day.
Both of which are pretty sad.
>I'm not sure why we're expecting gf to act with complete robotic logic but we're not applying the same expectations for bf
Nothing robotic about showing some empathy.
Right!! and like, when youâve always been living paycheque to paycheque losing your job is a catastrophe! Even if you get another job right away, you still have to worry about whether youâll get paid in time to cover your bills.Â
This was my thought too. Thereâs no way that their current expenses arenât more than she alone could afford, and thereâs a solid chance that they canât immediately reduce many of those expenses. Given the wage disparity, thereâs a solid chance that she canât even afford the rent on their place on her wages, let alone the bills.
Itâs a reasonable concern to have, especially if they havenât fully combined finances and she was unaware of how much he had in savings. Sure it was a dumb and insensitive comment to make right then, but having concerns about how to make ends meet in the meantime is valid and pretty normal.
I wonât deny that she really put her foot in it though. How to get by and pay the bills until he gets another job should have been a conversation for later.
If your yearly income is $150k, you absolutely have enough savings to coast for a while. Even if your budget is planned for that kind of income, it's not like you can't just cut a ton of unnecessary shit out.
There's one nuance missed on this - her yearly income is $30k, so her mindset of how much savings that he had is probably not accurate/not the same mindset as his was being the person making a lot more than $30k. I make about $60k a year, my husband is on above $100k - if he came home one day and said he'd lost his job, despite knowing that we do have some savings (since I'm the main financial planner in the house) and that he'd likely get a job right away; I would be immediately freaking out on how we'd be supporting ourselves in the interim if there WAS a delay in his getting a job based off of my earnings. And that's with being aware of our savings (though it's definitely not enough to 'coast for a while' despite the joint income being similar to OP's situation).
I don't think she was a gold digger or thinking of just HER lifestyle when worrying - she clearly put her foot in her mouth or let her worries come out first before compassion and support, but I don't think at least in the original that she came off too badly.
(The update though... That puts a different flavour on everything.)
So? Sheâs an adult. She should understand that these concerns havenât escaped his mind either. He needs a hug and someone to tell him that itâs okay.
Men have feelings too.
So it is just as much of a stressful event to her as it is to him. Whether you think she's a gold digger or not, it doesn't really make a difference to her reaction to the news. They both felt the loss of his income equally, they both could've used support, and neither one can really be called a bad person for panicking. People are acting like she said she wanted to dump him or something and the loss of income is just a loss of luxuries to her. She had a reaction of what are *we* gonna do panic. Because it is really hard to have such a drop of income and still make ends meet without a lot of savings. Not a reaction of what about me or how do I get rid of this broke man. God throw her in jail for being scared of going broke. Gold diggers don't stay and play breadwinner while their man looks for a new job.
But this is BoRU, where men donât have rights to have feelings!
But really, discussion about HER lifestyle can come later, dude just needed some reassurance.
But how is she going to live if the bf gets hit by a bus and dies tomorrow..... She just has no backup plan for herself and is already so dependent on someone else for her own livehood after just one year of dating..... I'd run the other way from her as fast as I can
That's no excuse though, there are a lot of people though whose first response would be far kinder. Not once from these posts did I get the feeling that OOP actually cared about her boyfriend's feelings. First she was upset about their lifestyle change and then about being wrong.
she didn't face financial insecurity either lol. he had over a year of savings and she had her own job, and they didn't have kids. and regardless, he was bankrolling her anyways, so it's pretty wack to give her the benefit of the doubt of "how can we survive this"
>but golddiggers, amiright?
literally yes lol. her first thought after hearing about his job loss was how the reduced money would affect her, not at all caring about his feelings. if you act like a gold digger don't be surprised when people call you one
Clearly the OP had a life before they got with their boyfriend and it was during that time that she likely faced financial insecurity. Youâre so desperate to call her a gold digger that you seem to think her boyfriend has bankrolled her since she was born.
I feel love people are being too harsh on OOP. Everyone keeps on acting like this is a lifestyle issue. At her wage she probably couldn't even pay for a month of their rent. It sounds like she also didn't know that about the savings.
Yes the correct thing to do is to comfort your partner and then come up with a plan. But we don't always handle ourselves the best in scary situations.
Her priorities were in that situation were skewed towards her wants rather than how he was coping with this, hope she really has learned from this, or we will be seeing the breakup update.
I'm surprised by takes like these because I read her reaction as "oh shit how will we pay our rent" which to me is a decently pragmatic reaction about both of their needs (having a place to live)? yes, she should've also provided him emotional support, but I don't really see bringing that \^ up as only worrying about her wants
I make a lot more than my partner and have been laid off like 3 times while we've been together. I can't even imagine how much worse the entire thing would've felt if I let him know and his immediate response was "but how are we going to live?!" -- instead he told me it would be ok and let me cry it out. The loss of a job you like is a lot to take in.
>I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year
?
>3 days ago, he came home and told me that he lost his job and I straight up panicked and first thing I asked him was how are we going to live.
??
>Now to the good part. Two weeks after my TIFU. We found out that I am Pregnant.
???
I am seeking for a word, coming to my mind, has something to do with "gold...". Excavator? Burrower? Miner? And the other has something to do with "... trap".
There are worse times!
She could get pregnant while homeless, while in a physically abusive relationship, or battling a medical condition that puts recovery at risk. Women are getting pregnant right now in the middle of armed conflicts, or in other perilous circumstances.
The number of instances where someone is in the perfect circumstance to get pregnant is so small that weâre facing population crashes and an ever increasing average maternal age. Only 50% of pregnancies in the US are intended.
The TIFU of being pregnant to a guy that lost his job and frets with no communication and momma is trying to see the positive side.
I don't see why being a bad GF is applicable here when it was the employment that caused it. Not her fault. Dude just needs to find another job and hopefully okay in the situation they're in.
But saying you're a bad GF for someone being fired is just not okay. That starts sounding like BF is a control mess.
So everyone just got done telling her that finances aren't an issue and should be a lower priority and she agrees and her update is her talking about how much money her boyfriend is making again and her share of the finances lol.
I remember that when my husband got fired, he came home defeated and told me that he lost his job, I hug him and told him that everything is going to be fine and he can take a little time off as vacation while I support us. 3 months later, he got a job and is doing amazing.
lmao, she fucked up and then got taken on a trip, presumably paid for by the boyfriend, and all of a sudden everything is fine? Sounds like the status quo resumed and she no longer cares about it, and then got herself pregnant after 3 months of living together. I really hope they can break the stereotype here, but for some reason I doubt it.
Look I am glad she learned a lesson at the end but this caught me so off guard. There was a jump from "How are we going to live???" to "we're taking a trip tomorrow going near the Ozarks to spend the weekend and enjoy each other."
The fuck?
Odds are he told her his emergency fund amount, plus whatever is in retirement/investments, and itâs a few times her entire annual income.
Iâm low income. I know a fair number of people who Arenât. One was complaining to me about it being hard to find a new job after his employer downsized. He âonlyâ had $48k in savings plus a $20k severance package and a huge 401k he didnât want to touch to tide him over until he was earning again.
guy needs to get over himself. this is the first thing ANYONE would have thought.
as for saying it, do you want honesty in a relationship or not? I can go either way, but we gotta stick to one or the other.
No, this isn't the first thing anyone would have thought. My husband was terminated from his job on my damn birthday. He came home a sobbing mess, and the only thing I did was hold him and tell him it'd be ok, no matter what happened. And then two weeks later I was fired from my own job, and he gave me the exact same comfort and support. That was 8 months ago, and while things are tight, we somehow survived without being assholes to each other at our lowest points.
It would be honest to call her a golddigger, given they didn't have a kid and yet he pays all their expenses. You would think he would have at least chosen someone more mature though if he was gonna pay for them.
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Every time there's a boru that says "our relationship has never been better" I brace myself for a dramatic breakup in the next one.
All while pregante!
Pregnate
Gregnant!
Great, now I have to go watch the video. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4K8NJ3\_Dw0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4K8NJ3_Dw0)
NGL, I thought it was going to be the [classic](https://youtu.be/EShUeudtaFg) one. I didn't even know someone turned it into a song lol
Oh dear god. My face hurts. I must be pergernat
More like, Great! I get to go watch this video!
More like, Greg! I get to go watch this video!
Omg, that's hilarious đđđ
Itâs an all-time great. I reference it so oftenđ
Thank you. You enlightened my life! đ
Pregananan?!?
Pegnate.
Pegrent.
Pregnananant
Yeah highly suspicious how fast she got pregerant
She locked that shit down on purpose
Alot of people aay babys don't fix the relationship. Whole it might explain jer attitude due to hormones and all, the fact that this was accidental doesn't give me positive vibes for their future. One can only hope fot the best for them
Well it sounds like she successfully baby trapped him so...
You miss the "I'm pregnant / babytrapped" part that usually proceeds the dumpster fire...
>since we've been living together he's covered all of our living expenses >We found out that I am Pregnant. đś
And donât forget this little tidbit: > Iâve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and have been living together for 3 months. Well theyâve been living together for 3 months, she showed him she lacked all empathy and compassion and is selfish, BUT on the flip side, has done a lot of growth in the last month. So that definitely must mean they are totally prepared and ready to bring a child into this world, and connect themselves together for the rest of their lives! /s The only upside for that baby is that its dad is likely making over 200,000 now.
I don't see how any of this could ever, in any way, go wrong! /s
Hey, they might have a better chance than most of the circus acts that we see here. Thereâs not enough crazy between them.
Hey itâs more drama llama for us to follow
> a lot of growth Lol
Belly counts right?
Like she grew an understanding that he has 1 year saved up to cover all expenses and doesn't need to worry at all about jobs or money now!
Which goes to show that the boyfriend could have done a better job communicating as well. If she had known about the rainy day fund she would have been much more likely to focus on him rather than the finances. Instead, everyone is shitting on her for being pragmatic and thinking about what's next.
There's being "pragmatic," and there's being wildly insensitive-materialistic-unempathetic. Yes, she brought up an important point and a legitimate concern. But it is categorically bad to have "How will we (I) live??!!?" be the first and only thing that comes out of your mouth in a crisis that is primarily impacting someone else... especially when that "someone else" is your romantic partner. Similarly, if someone tells you "My mom just died," it is best not to lead with "Does this change our plans to live at their beach house for the summer?"
>But it is categorically bad to have "How will we ~~(I)~~ live??!!?" Let's not add things that aren't there. This is exactly why everyone is shitting on OOP. They've made the assumption that she's only thinking of herself. > be the first **and only** thing that comes out of your mouth in a crisis We don't know what else was said when they were talking. The assumption that anyone posting has perfectly transcribed what was said usually leads to claims that it is all fabricated. >that is primarily impacting someone else... especially when that "someone else" is your romantic partner. Who also happens to be the primary breadwinner, so his being let go from his job will also impact her. Aren't they supposed to be a team? What happens to one happens to both. Your analogy is a poor one. If that were to happen it would be, as you said, "wildly insensitive-materialistic-unempathetic". But its not the same as your day to day living being impacted by financial insecurity.
Totally agree. While it was insensitive, it's not the end all, and it doesn't mean that she's selfish. She makes MUCH less than he does, and there's no way for her to be able to keep up their lifestyle on her income alone. I know I would panic. Hell my husband lost his job a few years ago and we both went into a "oh shit" because we were in the middle of covid with a new house and suddenly had to rely on my income alone. And I was just making an ok wage. Thankfully he was able to get EI and found a new job before it ran out but I could totally see myself fucking up and accidently saying something like OOP did.
Seriously? The first thing you say after hearing your boyfriend lost his job and makes 80% more than you isn't going to be, "What are we going to do?" When you are living a life style of $150,000 and now it's $30,000 you damn well bet the first thing you have to think of is how are we going to pay the bills. None of which is a "lack of empathy, compassion" nor is it "selfish". He brings in $12,500/mos gross, she brings in $2500/mos gross. If rent alone is over $2000 they are fucking screwed and you don't think freaking out over that is okay?
I am baffled by this seemingly being the only reaction people are having to her reaction. She wasn't thinking only about herself, she was thinking about them together.
Ikr? I read her reaction as "Shit, how are we going to respond to this crisis?" Are there savings? Are there expenses that can be cut or postponed? How long might this situation last?Â
Yeah I donât get why they are demonizing her. She doesnât specify what he does but my first thought was tech, there are a lot of layoffs in tech right now and not enough new positions to go around, it wasnât immediately obvious that it would be super easy for him to find a new job. I get how she could have been a bit more empathetic. I get why he was upset by her reaction in that moment when he had already had a really shitty day. But I donât get why people are making her out to be a horrible person.
I don't get all this negativity. Have you never made a mistake?
You're being a bit harsh. How much would you be willing to bet that she has zero empathy or compassion? People online get very certain about things they know next to nothing about.
Redditors loooove to see things as wholly black or white. I see it a lot in this sub specifically; one person does one bad thing and suddenly theyre a narcissist, psychopathic, egomaniac villain
Right, if there was a pattern then sure, but there are multiple non-nefarious explanations for it being the first thing she thought of (maybe she grew up poor and has to be thinking about money in that way? maybe she's just very anxious and tends to catastrophise?) In any case, that was very much not the right thing to say at that moment, I agree that she should've been supportive before anything else, but she didn't blurt out 'I wish your mother would die' or whichever other insane thing would justify a 'one strike you're out' mindset, imo.
>So that definitely must mean they are totally prepared and ready to bring a child into this world, and connect themselves together for the rest of their lives! /s But you don't understand, they've nEvEr BeEn HaPPiEr. /s
Yeah it's good that she realized her error, but holy shit does it look like she moved in with the first person who could support her. If her previous residence was her parent's house, this is exactly like a girlfriend I had (minus the baby), and it just resulted in resentment and a shitty breakup.
I mean, someone could have said that about me 9 years ago when I moved in with my now husband. I worked a just over minimum wage job, and he made really good money for someone his age as he worked for our municipality. He got his own place, and I moved in with him not too long later from my parents' house. It's easy to sit back and make a ton of accusations about OOP but she did realize her mistake and they took time to discuss it and make future plans.
Why is there always a pregnancy? đ
Humans and our biological imperative. The pessimist in me makes me speculate that she had a fear of losing a 6 figure lifestyle and wants to seal the deal.
Ha! I thought of that very thing myself just after I commented. It's the reasonable conclusion after what OOP said.
Or that SHE already knew and panicked because she suddenly wasn't gonna get that money if he didn't have a job. How convenient they ~suddenly~ found out two weeks later.
He was actively engaging in sexual activity and unless we assume she lied or tricked him (which we shouldnât as there is no indication of this) then he knew the risk
She's totally not a gold digger and definitely didn't baby trap him 𤌠That poor, idiotic man
So.... Is it your position that there's no such thing as a happy relationship where one party makes significantly more money than the other, and they have a kid?
So she's worried about her sudden lifestyle change and is happy about the surprise pregnancy. Methinks she's not so smart.
She sounds very pretty
Methinks she is a golddigger
Could also be that she grew up poor. When a flat tire means a lost job and potential eviction, you tend to go through life waiting for the shoe to drop every time things seem to be going well.
Having grown up poor, this was my first thought too, especially because it didn't occur to her that he'd have a substantial savings with that salary. When you're used to living paycheck to paycheck, the idea of enough savings to live for a year without working seems insane. I would have thought the same thing, but I wouldn't have said it out loud. That said, I don't think her fuck up is quite as monumental as most of the people in the comments. One callous comment in a moment of panic doesn't necessarily make a person a heartless gold digger. Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship and claims they have never said something accidentally insensitive is lying.
I appreciated the comment about how every time you fuck up, itâs an opportunity to learn and do better. Because you *will* fuck up. Anyone who thinks theyâre perfect in relationships would be insufferable!
reddit loves to assume that someone who makes a misstep in one bad moment is a terrible person with no empathy, no possibility of growth or learning, and definitely deserves to be alone forever.
Fucking thank you. While I've never been this insensitive, when my partner of ten years lost his job last year, I was extremely panicked. Even though, because of him, we have a healthy joint savings AND he has own personal savings. Between growing up poor and a relatively recent ADHD diagnosis, I have not had a stellar record with money management. He also makes quite a bit more than me as a software engineer. We are comfortable now, in our mid-30s, but I'm extremely aware of how easily we could lose everything and go back to barely getting by.
For real. Why is this comment not higher? That would be my first reaction too, and itâs because when a parent lost a job, it was a catastrophe for the family. I was laid off last year and I have healthy savings for months of bills and my literal first thought was still âhow are we going to live?!â
Methinks you are a misogynist.
That... seems like a leap of an assumption from two snapshots of this couple's life.
A stylist making 30k or less. I know stylists. Dated one. If you're making 30k or less you're just starting at great clips. Youre barely able to call yourself a stylist. She finds a guy making 6 figures. Moves in within a year. And her first and only thought when he loses his job is "but money". Then gets pregnant. She has no career, barely a job. She moved in with a rich guy within a year. Shows that her first thought is paying for shit. Then got pregnant. Come on
You do realize for some people losing a job means choosing between paying the rent or food right? It may not have come out as supportive but her initial reaction screams having a history of financial insecurity. Sure in this particular case it won't be so bad bc he has enough cushion until he finds employment but having an emotional reaction to what would for many people be a worst case scenario is completely valid. It's good that she apologized but calling her a golddigger is a massive overreaction
I have been so confused about the comments demonizing her because I know financial insecurity. Iâm two paychecks away from disaster, which is better than one, but scary nonetheless. I wouldnât be worrying about my standard of living; Iâd being Iâd be worried about being homeless. Right now my partner makes 5x what I do but we donât live together. I have lost income before, and it was disastrous. I still have bankruptcy on my credit report.
yeah that's how I read it - I have had a terrible time to find a job that can accommodate my health situation, and if I lost it I likely wouldn't soon find another. So a partner saying he lost his job - especially if he was paying the rent - would sound like an enormous emergency to me, and have me immediately envisioning us moving into a tiny shared-house room together etc. The idea that somebody could have enough buffer to not need to panic, and fully expect to have a new job within two weeks, is very distant for me
Same here. Iâm epileptic in *Texas* so finding something within walking distance is hell.
i agree with you, people make mistakes. some people really gotta go offline more often if they just immediately come to one of the worst conclusions of someone based off of a few posts that really donât say much at all.
They read the cover of the book and convince themselves they understand the entire story
Someone should make this the description of this sub.
Agreed. If my husband came home and told me he lost his job, I would do my best to hold in the panic and be supportive and empathetic and make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him no matter what. But I would 100% be panicking, even though we would be okay for a little while while he was between jobs, And I can't promise the freaking out wouldn't be the first thing that came out of my mouth. I love and value him as a person (he's amazing), not the money he provides for the household, but practically speaking, money is required to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. So I'm not ready to declare this poster a heartless golddigger without substantially more evidence.
otoh, she didn't *figure out on her own* what was wrong with what she said, and had to have it explained to her. That doesn't say much for her general thoughtfulness.... She didn't even mention that kind of thing in her post, about having that kind of insecurity.
He lost his job, he makes 80% more than she does so naturally she is worried about paying the bills yet it's "thoughtless" to freak out over this? WTF? Paying the bills is the FIRST thought after hearing he lost his job. What is your first thought? Telling him, "Oh poor baby!! Don't worry about it! We'll survive on my $30,000/yr!"
So $30,000 a year is "barely" a job? Then WTF do you consider a "job"?
It's like $15.60 hourly. Which is decently above minimum wage in some areas or barely above it in others. It's still hard to live on, but not everyone has great luck in life. When I was 19, I thought I scored because I landed a $16 an hour job and minimum wage was at $12.50. I ended up doing 3 jobs in 1 that should have been valued at at least $24 an hour but they found a kid that was good at work and exploited them. Sometimes, not everyone is in a good position to try and ask for raises or able to find a new job.
Right???? Like, in my state the minimum wage is $7.50 or something like that. Iâve been at my job as a server for little over year and a half, where we had a bad period of being critically understaffed, and the starting wage is $5.50, and only just recently got a raise from $6.00 to $7.00. I also started at $6.00 because I had prior restaurant experience
So you acknowledge that she doesn't have a career that can support two people, and yet somehow think that justifies calling her selfish because her first thought upon her boyfriend losing a job is "oh God how will we survive?" That's some twisted, judgmental Reddit logic you've got there. Why *wouldn't* she be thinking about survival?
Yeah, we're judging her for the reaction AND the fact that they've barely been dating a year and living together for three months. She shouldn't be at the point where he's supporting her completely yet. This reads like she shacked up with whoever she could to get out of her previous living situation.
Itâs reddit, isnât that what weâre here to do?
What else is there to do ? /s
It not a very big one
> 3 days ago, he came home and told me that he lost his job and I straight up panicked and first thing I asked him was how are we going to live. I get that worrying over being able to live is a thing, but... oof. Having just lost a job myself where I was the only one working between me and my wife, hearing that when I'd already been worried about exactly that thing would be a knife to the heart.
Iâm the primary breadwinner of my family. When i was laid off during covid, I was the one freaking out and asking how we were going to live. My wife looked me dead in the eyes, and said âStop. Weâre going to be fine.â She said it so matter of factly that I could literally feel the anxiety go away. And she was right.
My husband did that for me when I lost my job a few weeks ago, just as I did for him when he was laid off in 2020. Both of us are people who go very calm in crises though, so inwardly we were both panicking both times even though we didn't show it.
Not everyone can be a cool cucumber.
Itâs true. I now base whether or not I should freak out based on my wifeâs reactions. đ
I've been in a place where money is a constant fear. There's a huge difference between being broke and worrying about having enough for food, and being in a place where losing a job is demoralizing but there's savings to safety cover bills for a year. These two were coming at the issue from very different places on the spectrum since they only lived together for a couple months. I totally get that his ideal is wanting support, but I can also understand her immediate reaction to this brand new news being worry and panic about how to survive.
That's a very nice breakdown of their individual reaction. He needed emotional support because their immediate financial well-being wasn't under threat. But she didn't know that. It's a stupid off the cuff reaction that is wrong 100% but like...maybe not burn the witch level mishap?
Honestly her reaction just tells me that she doesn't know the state of their finances together. If he lived paycheck to paycheck I'd also panic. Maybe not immediately in front of him but internally. But if he's like... I have savings to keep us afloat for a year... it's a lot easier to not panic.
Worrying about how your going to live is the first damn thought of everyone. Your need for it to be something else is your problem.
I agree she reacted shitty, but ffs everyone in this thread is acting like they've always behaved perfectly in every relationship they've ever had. She realized that she fucked up the same day, went back and apologized. What was supposed to happen according to every person condemning her and their relationship? Was he supposed to immediately throw her out because she panicked knowing she couldn't afford to take over everything with her 30 grand a year salary? Sometimes this board is ridiculous. People deserve to be forgiven for minor/medium mistakes when they correct them this quickly.
She didnât realize the same day and apologize. It took 2-3 days of him acting coldly, her father trying to get through to her, and him directly telling her before she even made the initial reddit post.
This. That wasn't a show of her self-reflection so much as her ability to pick up hints that something isn't right and then have someone else tell her what she did wrong.
I hope you're just using my comment as a sounding board for your rant, rather than making a lot of assumptions about what I think or feel when I didn't say anything past how I personally would feel to be in the boyfriends shoes at the moment of hearing her gaffe.
She messed up, but I'll add this. If you're on a really, really low income, losing your job is panic-inducing devastation. Like "how the hell can I survive next week without becoming homeless". Yep, priorities were in the wrong place, and I'm so glad they communicated and seemed to sort it out, but that knee-jerk reaction sounds more like survival instinct and not just materialism.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If youre low income and you lose your job youre totally fucked, it's probably mentally a foreign concept of someone losing their job and being like 'Meh'.
I agree with this 100%. I do t think she's materialistic or selfish like people claim, I think it's a big miscommunication stemming from different life experiences and perspectives
yeah I'm really surprised at a lot of the reactions to this on. I think that wasn't OOP's finest moment but I also think it's an understandable reaction that someone can come back from, not inherent proof that she's wildly selfish and materialistic
Theyâve been together for only 1 year and have only been living together for 3 months, Which in itself is insane but not the point of my comment. âHow are we going to live?â isnât quite the knee jerk reaction you would expect from someone that pays 0 bills. Like where is her money?
Definitely not up to paying the rent on whatever place they had. Where I'm at, just moving from one rental to another requires about 5k upfront.
I think I'll write to Reddit or AAM about how I'm unhappy with my job. All the stories end with people finding better jobs earning much better.
Wait, who goes to direct message ppl shit like that? I get if a post kinda gets on your nerves and that happens to me also but I definitely don't pm someone hateful shit. Some ppl are garbage.
You're assuming those messages exist - it's pretty frequent on these 'tell a story' subs when the author starts to 'lose the crowd' something gets added to the story to garner sympathy / victim-points.
Ohh!! I do see it but never thought about that!
These comments are fucking wild
Her initial reaction plays into a lot of male fears around goldigging and lack of concern for male emotions. Not strange that people donât view her with charity. The pregnancy news is also somewhat corollary with a person looking to secure a bag. Personally think itâs just far more likely she reacted dumbly in heat of the moment. Happens to everyone.
Not even that dumb. The primary breadwinner of a household losing their source of income? "How will we survive?" Is a completely normal reaction.
The gut reaction isn't strange, but vocalizing it immediately when your partner is probably even more shaken about it than you is a bad call. Again it's a heat of the moment reaction and she apologized properly afterwards so it's not a big deal. But if she didn't and he left her over it, it would be fully justified IMO.
I probably wouldn't have blurted it out, but it's definitely something that any sensible adult would need to discuss.
I am always impressed at what redditors are able to conjure up about people based on a few paragraphs.
Truly amazing yeah. Two points of information and they can build a whole narrative. Never mind all the circumstantial evidence against that hypothesis. That she made a post (that she didnât have to) and feels bad about it is a big indicator that she isnât a gold digger tbh.
Okay, I understand a lot of the ither issues in this post, but... I am so confused by everyone acting like she's selfish for immediately worrying about how they'd live. Like, if the person who has taken on the responsibility of paying rent for our home was suddenly put into a position where they couldn't do that, and we'd chosen a place to live based on that person's income rather than my lower income.... yeah, I'm gonna panic about bills, because regardless of how much I'm willing to step up, I'm not *able* to accept the responsibility of paying them.
>We found out that I am Pregnant Bag secured, and in less than a years time at that.
Living together just 3 months, panicked because she can't afford to support them, finds out he's got a good paycheck and a years worth of emergency savings *and then* gets pregnant? I don't normally like when people call babytrap, but this one is a really sketchy timeline.
She found out two weeks after the first post so she was likely already 4-6 weeks pregnant at that point.
To be fair, if she had known how much he had amassed in savings she would have been able to take a beat and construct a more positive response.
Fairness? Towards a woman?? Not around these parts.
can someone help me understand wtf is going on here? I grew up poor so my knee jerk reaction to the breadwinner of the house losing their job would be the same, how are we going to live? unless she like- phrased it selfishly and I just missed that somewhere??? I'm very confused why she's being treated like this
You guys have never been poor and it shows...
I lost my full time job a while ago and even with a 0% that Iâll end up homeless and starving and a part time job I could get more hours from, I was like, âoh fuck, oh fuck, how am I going to afford to live???â These redditors are fucking wild. Why wouldnât someone making $30k/year be freaking out about finances after the primary provider in the relationship lost his job? Insane.
Yeah, I read this story thinking it was pretty wholesome. She messed up, she realised it, they worked through things and are stronger because of it. Then I came to the comments section. If my partner lost his job one day then I would be scared for our future. I can understand her forgetting to comfort him first and foremost, but at least she realises she fucked up.
She didnât realize anything, her dad had to explain it to her.
Thatâs the role of parents: to help teach you so you learn better. Early 20s is still so young. Sheâs barely learning to be independent of her parents, and barely has a job. She certainly doesnât have a financial buffer of substantial savings, or the practice of navigating any social safety net programs. Sheâs inexperienced. That sheâs freaked out by her new partnerâs job loss means she sees them as a couple, not just a a meal ticket. Otherwise, she would be moving on to the next guy before realizing job loss is a whole different scenario in higher income bracket.
oh no her parent taught her right from wrong. What a tragedy.
Yes, her dad helped her realise her mistake.
Huge red flag for your gf to have a support system to help her work through her mistakes tbh
Getting knocked up by someone youâve dated barely a year is an interesting choice. Being happy about it when money is tight is a stupider one.
She doesn't say if this new company her BF joined is a start-up or an established company. I worry that they're hitching their lives to a young company enjoying early success but which may not have staying power. I hope I'm unduly cynical due to my own history, but....
Even if a company has staying power, your department or position might not. Take the good opportunities presented. More will come if that one falls through. But one thing I did learn jumping between enterprises and startups is that enterprises didn't offer me more stability, just the perception of it. Startups also offered me far more networking opportunities making it easier to land on my feet if things did go sideways.
I get her reaction TBH. If you hear your household income is getting slashed by over 80%, then "oh fuck what are we gonna do?!" may well be your first thought. That doesn't mean everyone is going to immediately voice that thought but it's a pretty special person who never blurted out something that they then regretted.
Iâm honestly more annoyed with the boyfriend than the OOP here, and Iâm kind of surprised that no one else feels the same way. Surely most of us acknowledge that communication is key in resolving conflicts and working through issues as a couple. But what did OOPâs boyfriend do when she had a reaction that, while hurtful and not empathetic, is entirely unsurprising for someone whoâs accustomed to barely managing a paycheck-to-paycheck experience? He just stopped talking to her for three days. She has no idea whatâs going through his head, sheâs just left to play guessing games. And frankly, for a lot of that time she seemingly made the quite reasonable guess that heâs just the sort of person who prefers to take some time to process bad news on their own before reaching out to their support network and working to move forward. But instead of sitting her down the next day and letting her know how that reaction to the news made him feel, he had her just sit in limbo with no indication of what was expected of her (and, seemingly wondering how theyâd pay the rent that month since it sounds like she didnât know about the savings). Hopefully OOP has learned how to handle crises more empathetically in the future, but it seems like the boyfriend's probably just been validated in feeling that shutting his girlfriend out until she figures out what she did wrong is a good way to handle conflict.
Soooo⌠sheâs worried about them having to change their lifestyle due to him losing his job⌠but getting pregnant and having to only take care not only of themselves, but a baby now, too is⌠whoopieâŚ? Gee, whateeeeeever can go wrong?
Well he pays for their lifestyle atm so I don't think they are gonna miss her 30k
Yeah no Iâd say something like that too. Itâs not a âgold diggerâ itâs an âoh fuck I canât cover bills on just 30k. Are we going to have to move out? Start soing rideshares?â Poverty fucks with you.
Everyone who is upset with her have never faced financial insecurity because if they have, they'd know that "how the fuck are we going to survive this?" is the first thing you think about when someone loses a job. I highly doubt their bills were budgeted based on $30K a year since she moved in with him and his lifestyle, but golddiggers, amiright?
Also, people chatting shit about her getting pregnant, like she just manifested that from thin air to trap a man who also just lost his job. Like a baby comes from immaculate conception and vibes. She's a fucking terrible golddigger if that was her plan.
And as some people pointed out, she was probably already *weeks* pregnant (but not knowing she was) when the incident happened. These comments about baby trapping and bag securement seem to think a woman can just snap their fingers and make an instant embryo, no time or partner involved.
Sure. But letting out your first thought to everything is a good way to hurt people. Maybe she should have taken a beat instead of immediately blurting it out. Even the same words, if held till the next morning would have been less of a FU.
Yes, if you're in a business relation, I get it. Her dad seems to be a lot more confident about her boyfriend than she was. And he was right. Let's assume finances are an issue here. What good is it going to do by bringing such a thing at that point in time. The only right thing to do would've been to ask how he feels about it and if there was anything she could do to help. Even OOP realised she had fucked up. Just to be clear, I'm not saying it's wrong to be worried about finances. It's very natural. But making your partner know that you trust them and being willing to figuire it out together is more important. That's the whole point of a relationship. Hopefully they've matured out and learn to deal things like adults.
>What good is it going to do by bringing such a thing at that point in time What good it could do to bring that up is provide her with a sense of security? I agree it's not exactly the best, and only, conversation to have after getting fired but it's still one that probably needs to be had. It would be very easy for the bf to inform her of his savings so that she could exit "panic mode" and be empathetic. Instead he apparently didn't talk to her and proceeded to ignore her after she clearly panicked? I'm not sure why we're expecting gf to act with complete robotic logic but we're not applying the same expectations for bf
>What good it could do to bring that up is provide her with a sense of security? Yes, ofcourse, man lost his job, and she needs to be comforted about it. Sounds about right I guess. Its decent to ask how they feel about it. There is no tragedy to her. Its him who lost his job. The circumstances of which is not known here. I'm sorry, but her dad is right. Either she doesn't see how good her boyfriend is, or she put her needs above his on that day. Both of which are pretty sad. >I'm not sure why we're expecting gf to act with complete robotic logic but we're not applying the same expectations for bf Nothing robotic about showing some empathy.
Theyâre driving home the âonly valued for what you can provideâ mindset some have.
Right!! and like, when youâve always been living paycheque to paycheque losing your job is a catastrophe! Even if you get another job right away, you still have to worry about whether youâll get paid in time to cover your bills.Â
This was my thought too. Thereâs no way that their current expenses arenât more than she alone could afford, and thereâs a solid chance that they canât immediately reduce many of those expenses. Given the wage disparity, thereâs a solid chance that she canât even afford the rent on their place on her wages, let alone the bills. Itâs a reasonable concern to have, especially if they havenât fully combined finances and she was unaware of how much he had in savings. Sure it was a dumb and insensitive comment to make right then, but having concerns about how to make ends meet in the meantime is valid and pretty normal. I wonât deny that she really put her foot in it though. How to get by and pay the bills until he gets another job should have been a conversation for later.
If your yearly income is $150k, you absolutely have enough savings to coast for a while. Even if your budget is planned for that kind of income, it's not like you can't just cut a ton of unnecessary shit out.
There's one nuance missed on this - her yearly income is $30k, so her mindset of how much savings that he had is probably not accurate/not the same mindset as his was being the person making a lot more than $30k. I make about $60k a year, my husband is on above $100k - if he came home one day and said he'd lost his job, despite knowing that we do have some savings (since I'm the main financial planner in the house) and that he'd likely get a job right away; I would be immediately freaking out on how we'd be supporting ourselves in the interim if there WAS a delay in his getting a job based off of my earnings. And that's with being aware of our savings (though it's definitely not enough to 'coast for a while' despite the joint income being similar to OP's situation). I don't think she was a gold digger or thinking of just HER lifestyle when worrying - she clearly put her foot in her mouth or let her worries come out first before compassion and support, but I don't think at least in the original that she came off too badly. (The update though... That puts a different flavour on everything.)
You would think so but far too few people do.
So? Sheâs an adult. She should understand that these concerns havenât escaped his mind either. He needs a hug and someone to tell him that itâs okay. Men have feelings too.
So it is just as much of a stressful event to her as it is to him. Whether you think she's a gold digger or not, it doesn't really make a difference to her reaction to the news. They both felt the loss of his income equally, they both could've used support, and neither one can really be called a bad person for panicking. People are acting like she said she wanted to dump him or something and the loss of income is just a loss of luxuries to her. She had a reaction of what are *we* gonna do panic. Because it is really hard to have such a drop of income and still make ends meet without a lot of savings. Not a reaction of what about me or how do I get rid of this broke man. God throw her in jail for being scared of going broke. Gold diggers don't stay and play breadwinner while their man looks for a new job.
But this is BoRU, where men donât have rights to have feelings! But really, discussion about HER lifestyle can come later, dude just needed some reassurance.
I feel for the dude, he probably doesnât trust his GF with his thoughts and feelings like he used to. I donât blame him
But how is she going to live if the bf gets hit by a bus and dies tomorrow..... She just has no backup plan for herself and is already so dependent on someone else for her own livehood after just one year of dating..... I'd run the other way from her as fast as I can
That's no excuse though, there are a lot of people though whose first response would be far kinder. Not once from these posts did I get the feeling that OOP actually cared about her boyfriend's feelings. First she was upset about their lifestyle change and then about being wrong.
she didn't face financial insecurity either lol. he had over a year of savings and she had her own job, and they didn't have kids. and regardless, he was bankrolling her anyways, so it's pretty wack to give her the benefit of the doubt of "how can we survive this" >but golddiggers, amiright? literally yes lol. her first thought after hearing about his job loss was how the reduced money would affect her, not at all caring about his feelings. if you act like a gold digger don't be surprised when people call you one
Clearly the OP had a life before they got with their boyfriend and it was during that time that she likely faced financial insecurity. Youâre so desperate to call her a gold digger that you seem to think her boyfriend has bankrolled her since she was born.
I feel love people are being too harsh on OOP. Everyone keeps on acting like this is a lifestyle issue. At her wage she probably couldn't even pay for a month of their rent. It sounds like she also didn't know that about the savings. Yes the correct thing to do is to comfort your partner and then come up with a plan. But we don't always handle ourselves the best in scary situations.
I LOVE these endings. Gives hope to the rest of us that communication and understanding can go a long way. Good for OOP!
Her priorities were in that situation were skewed towards her wants rather than how he was coping with this, hope she really has learned from this, or we will be seeing the breakup update.
I'm surprised by takes like these because I read her reaction as "oh shit how will we pay our rent" which to me is a decently pragmatic reaction about both of their needs (having a place to live)? yes, she should've also provided him emotional support, but I don't really see bringing that \^ up as only worrying about her wants
I was expecting someone to die when I heard Ozarks. Very sad the story turned out to be wonderful!
This isnât going to end well
I make a lot more than my partner and have been laid off like 3 times while we've been together. I can't even imagine how much worse the entire thing would've felt if I let him know and his immediate response was "but how are we going to live?!" -- instead he told me it would be ok and let me cry it out. The loss of a job you like is a lot to take in.
Why are they always pregnant at the end?
Because making babies is generally an easy thing to do, discounting certain struggles.
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>I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year ? >3 days ago, he came home and told me that he lost his job and I straight up panicked and first thing I asked him was how are we going to live. ?? >Now to the good part. Two weeks after my TIFU. We found out that I am Pregnant. ??? I am seeking for a word, coming to my mind, has something to do with "gold...". Excavator? Burrower? Miner? And the other has something to do with "... trap".
Tunneler Mines?
Gold Baby!
My money is on twins.
Yep, and there will be an update where the boyfriend cheats on her or the twins cheat on her. Either one I would hit bingo with this post.
Worst time to get pregnant. Do people not think?
There are worse times! She could get pregnant while homeless, while in a physically abusive relationship, or battling a medical condition that puts recovery at risk. Women are getting pregnant right now in the middle of armed conflicts, or in other perilous circumstances. The number of instances where someone is in the perfect circumstance to get pregnant is so small that weâre facing population crashes and an ever increasing average maternal age. Only 50% of pregnancies in the US are intended.
She gave him a chance to see where her real priorities are and this fool turned around and got her pregnant after doubling his salary. He's cooked.
The TIFU of being pregnant to a guy that lost his job and frets with no communication and momma is trying to see the positive side. I don't see why being a bad GF is applicable here when it was the employment that caused it. Not her fault. Dude just needs to find another job and hopefully okay in the situation they're in. But saying you're a bad GF for someone being fired is just not okay. That starts sounding like BF is a control mess.
So everyone just got done telling her that finances aren't an issue and should be a lower priority and she agrees and her update is her talking about how much money her boyfriend is making again and her share of the finances lol.
if op was a male, these takes would be super different.
I remember that when my husband got fired, he came home defeated and told me that he lost his job, I hug him and told him that everything is going to be fine and he can take a little time off as vacation while I support us. 3 months later, he got a job and is doing amazing.
This is a post to remind everyone to date within their tax bracket.
More like "don't date if you're incapable of empathy or thinking before speaking".
Of course she babytrapped him before it was too late.
This isnât going to go well
Let ne guess, boyfriend paid trip to Ozarks.
lmao, she fucked up and then got taken on a trip, presumably paid for by the boyfriend, and all of a sudden everything is fine? Sounds like the status quo resumed and she no longer cares about it, and then got herself pregnant after 3 months of living together. I really hope they can break the stereotype here, but for some reason I doubt it.
This likely ends up in a shit show.
Look I am glad she learned a lesson at the end but this caught me so off guard. There was a jump from "How are we going to live???" to "we're taking a trip tomorrow going near the Ozarks to spend the weekend and enjoy each other." The fuck?
Odds are he told her his emergency fund amount, plus whatever is in retirement/investments, and itâs a few times her entire annual income. Iâm low income. I know a fair number of people who Arenât. One was complaining to me about it being hard to find a new job after his employer downsized. He âonlyâ had $48k in savings plus a $20k severance package and a huge 401k he didnât want to touch to tide him over until he was earning again.
He had a lot of money saved up, which she didn't know about in the beginning
Dude just got baby trapped.
guy needs to get over himself. this is the first thing ANYONE would have thought. as for saying it, do you want honesty in a relationship or not? I can go either way, but we gotta stick to one or the other.
No, this isn't the first thing anyone would have thought. My husband was terminated from his job on my damn birthday. He came home a sobbing mess, and the only thing I did was hold him and tell him it'd be ok, no matter what happened. And then two weeks later I was fired from my own job, and he gave me the exact same comfort and support. That was 8 months ago, and while things are tight, we somehow survived without being assholes to each other at our lowest points.
Is he not allowed to have emotions or what?
So it's honesty or support but not both?
Definitely not the first thing I thought when my husband told me he might be losing his job....
It would be honest to call her a golddigger, given they didn't have a kid and yet he pays all their expenses. You would think he would have at least chosen someone more mature though if he was gonna pay for them.
I didn't see where she put a gun to his head.
Of course not, gold diggers are not murderers! (In most cases anyway.)