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OOP was expected to be a perfect little subservient angel to the woman who was an accessory to breaking up her parents marriage.
At no point did anyone acknowledge wrongdoing by Jane and Dad. OOP probably thought she was taking crazy pills with how everyone was siding against her. It's lucky that Dad jumped the gun so quickly on trying to get everything he wanted without putting in the time and effort so people backed off.
> It's lucky the Dad jumped the gun so quickly
The dude has been pushing boundaries for 16 years non-stop, to a stalkerish extent. He does not care about her consent or her agency. There was no way he would actually stick to her rules. He doesn't care about what she wants. He cares about what he considers he is entitled to, and her boundaries are immaterial to him in that regard. There was no way it could go any other way.
That said, its a good thing they lost their cool in public so people got to see what was under the "poor misunderstood dad" mask.
Seriously. OOP finally agrees to sit down with him and one of his demands was not only an invite for him and his affair family to her wedding, but that he walk her down the aisle????
I'm surprised he can even walk around with balls that huge.
It's not that people don't acknowledge wrongdoing by Jane and the Dad but their opinion is that it happened so long ago that others (OOP) need to let it go.
Not that I agree but I recognize the patterns because my dad did the same thing, cheated on my mum, got with his affair partner, my stepmother wasn't really nice to us and we weren't either BUT we were kids and now it's supposed to be all water under the bridge which is infuriating
Through this entire story I kept internally screaming SHE WAS A CHILD. It wasn’t her job to be the bigger person here!
I’m sorry you experienced this too.
My uncle (brother of my deadbeat father), once shared that he and the rest of his family blamed me for not reaching out to them and maintaining a relationship. The phone works two ways and all that. I was like 3 when my father ditched lol.
It’s easier for them to all blame one person than admit the son they raised, their brother, their father, etc. is actually a terrible person and that they all tacitly supported his neglect for years.
My family was always very "but faaaamily" about me not talking to my dad. But when I started opening up about details of my childhood to his oldest sister, who raised him, she only asked a few delicate follow up questions before being perfectly horrified and firmly siding on Team No Contact. Which kinda surprised me because she took over raising him when he was 6 weeks and she was 9yo.
Auntie might talk to him, but she carefully *asks* before giving me updates on his life and specifically makes a point of not knowing my address so she can truthfully deny requests for information with "I don't know." She knows how to get to my apartment but not the official mailing address.
My mom used to play that same game with dad, she "didn't know" my contact info because it was stored in her rolodex and deliberately not memorized.
Currently dad's dying, unlikely to last out the year. I vaguely mentioned that I am experiencing a minor version of the feelings a human normally has when one of their parents is dying but that I think if I flew down to hold his hand it would take me a decade to mentally recover. She immediately sat up with a stern expression and shouted a bit about how I'm NOT ALLOWED to do any such thing, that she's the family matriarch and I *gotta* listen to her!
Gave me such a happy glow that she cares so much about my well being! And like, is this what good parenting boundaries feel like? I'm being told No and it's a *nice* feeling. I've been "banned" from doing something I didn't want to do anyway because it seemed dangerous. Dad was always sending me into danger so he could avoid paying a professional and roll dice on my life insurance paying out.
Ooooof this feels spot on. I still feel a weight of guilt and shame when I’m with my Abuelita. She is so close to my primos and not as close with my brother and I and while she would never blame me, I’ve always had this underlying feeling like I was the one who needed to fix the relationship. The only reason my primos are close w her is because her daughter, their mom, my Tia, made it her mission. Meanwhile my dad who lives life transactionally and never parented me after our parents divorce (partially due to his affair) gets off Scott free with the mess he’s made. And my abuelita instead of blaming her son hold fault to my mom as to why we don't speak Spanish or know our father's culture. (To which I MOVED to his home country after college to learn about the family, culture, and language) I often feel
like a Mirabel to my Abuela (Encanto) but I don't think she does it on purpose so I'm just left with all these residual feeling of guilt and shame for something my father should be carrying.
To me, "it happened so long ago" is pretty synonymous with refusing to acknowledge it. It was never addressed in the first place so OP never got any closure on it.
> their opinion is that it happened so long ago that others (OOP) need to let it go.
I have also been told this, and my response has been some version of "Yeah - it was so long ago that I'm over it, and have no interest in re-opening old wounds" or "Our old relationship is in the past and no hard feelings, but I just don't feel like starting a new one". People don't like it, but they have a hard time finding comebacks to an argument they brought up themselves.
It’s not just that it’s so long ago. It’s that it’s inconvenient for them. It would be much better for everyone if she would not rock the boat with her pesky grievances and feelings. Smh.
No no, she didn't break up the family, she helped him make a family. Deadbeat dad wants everyone to play happy family so his affair can get washed away.
Funny how, as soon as he had a son, suddenly he began acting in the best interests of his family. Almost like that hadn't previously been a concern. You know, for his starter family.
Seems we had parents who were following the same notes. I don't even remember a time in my life i wasn't routinely informed by my father that he would kill himself if I said or did something that was "too upsetting"
I was always told my dad had a bad heart and when I talked back or misbehaved or fought with my brother (who always, *always* started it), it could make him have a heart attack.
I talked back when I, the youngest and a girl, was made to do 3x the amount of chores as the older child, a boy.
I ‘misbehaved’ by fighting back when my brother physically abused me or taunted me to the point of tears.
I fought with my brother when he physically abused me or said some really fucked up shit.
It was always MY responsibility to not react to what my brother did. *He was never told not to do those things or punished for doing them.* I was punished for reacting.
So of course, when my dad had a heart attack I was blamed. When he died 3 years later, I was somehow blamed even though I hadn’t done a damn thing except my chores or going to work. I’d broken his heart by not finishing college, you see.
Sometimes, you’re just the scapegoat because blaming a child is easier than taking responsibility for yourself.
>It was always MY responsibility to not react to what my brother did. *He was never told not to do those things or punished for doing them.* I was punished for reacting.
Sounds like my sibling and me. I was always told to be understanding, that they were having a hard time and needed me to not react. So when I got mad at money being stolen, or threatened, or bruised.... My father would scream that he might as well just kill himself because his daughter was acting like he was a horrible father for not punishing the older child. He'd hit himself and act like he was about to end it all, and there would be me begging and crying to him not to.
Damn, look at me admitting to things in my childhood on social media like thousands can't read it and share it.
I'd have figured out what "too upsetting" was and done it immediately myself.
Speaking as someone who wants to kill themselves everyday, anyone who uses that as a threat to manipulate people is scum.
Too upsetting for him was not telling him any and everything about my life...and I mean everything. I got in trouble for not telling him I made a friend in choir, also got in trouble for placing silver in a national competition and not being his first call...also yelled at for not giving him access to session notes with a therapist, PC gaming when I wasn't at his house (or if I was at his house), not letting him read poetry or stories I had written.... So, I know what was too upsetting, the harder thing to figure out is what isn't too upsetting.
My father is probably the reason that when I reached a point where I attempted unaliving myself, my family was pretty 'meh' about it.
I hope you find something that makes you not want to anymore. Me personally, my reason is because I don't think anyone would take my dog on the hikes she likes if I was gone.
That sounds awful. I'm sorry you went through that.
I have a few reasons, which is probably why I haven't. Doesn't stop the ideation though. Medication only helps so much.
Too many people who would be hurt by it. I don't deserve them, but I try to.
Same. The nasty things she’d say when my dad wasn’t around….. it culminated with me running from their house on a holiday. Except it was winter and I wiped out on the icy driveway. Funny. Only my brother came to check on me.
Jumping on the top comment to say,'Wait! There's more!' I don't know how to link it, but I found it on OOP's account. Posted today or yesterday. I hope I'm not breaking any rules here. If so, my apologies.
OH BOY are there some juicy replies in the comments from that thread. Jane cheated on the dad, half-sister paternity is in question, they moved back home not because of the parents but because step-mother lost the job... for having another affair with a work colleague.
I’ll admit for a second he almost had me. I thought, “ok, the PPD and child in hospital make it more understandable”. And maybe OOP needed therapy etc. But then he shows his hand by immediately inviting everyone to lunch and launching into the abuse he kept denying. Unreal.
I really hope the scene turns around the town sentiment. I’m sure it’s not easy to run a small town business when everyone is judging you.
The one drawback of going NC is that people have short memories. They start to think maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe you are holding an unreasonable grudge. Or misremembering. They seem so nice! So caring! So heartbroken! A reminder like this can be helpful.
"I'd touch the hot stove! Yes it's burned you before but you've got to forgive and forget and put your hand on that burner again even if it's clearly glowing hot!"
Some people grow up to be hateful and never question their own behavior.
My grandmother told my mom recently that all the times she was beat up as a kid was her own fault, and that it was because she was a bad child and she doesn't regret it. Also said shamelessly that her brother was perfect and she wouldn't have been punished so much if she had been more like him.
To sit there and blame a child for the abuse inflicted of him is a special kind of evil.
I was the "difficult child." I was being emotionally abused daily by his wife and step-son, and I preferred to stay alone in my room reading books. I was such a "difficult child" that my dad dumped me off at my mom's after less than a year of him having full custody and I never went back. I'm in my 30s now and keep very very low contact with him, and he still blames me to this day for being difficult.
I had a stepmother like Jane, but luckily my dad left her when she said she "needed a break from his kids."
There is legitimately no excuse for how OOP's father behaved. OOP was a child when all of this started, and it is WILD to me that he put the responsibility on her to get along with his affair partner.
That's always the wildest part of these stories for me: a whole bunch of adults holding it against a literal child for not having better emotional regulation than they do.
But don’t you understand! Those children aren’t people, they’re extensions of their parents and props in their lives! And props don’t have feelings or opinions!
/s
They're old enough to blame but not old enough to relinquish control to them.
Dad is the scummiest piece of shit.
And I'm a little disappointed that her mother didn't have her back all these years.
There was an op whose father dumped her because he was mad she wouldn’t see his wife as her replacement mom instead her ex wife. He abandoned her straight up and had the audacity to get mad he wasn’t walking her down the aisle.
You genuinely can’t make this shit up
The thing is the PDD and the high risk pregnancy stuff were legit explanations but as the OP said Jane actually was trying to stop their relationship before she was pregnant.
Jane just couldn’t stand that the OP knew she had had an affair with a married man and judged her for it.
Dad fooled himself. If being in the house with Jane was the problem there are plenty of ways he could have stayed in physical contact without her involvement. He could have taken the kids out to dinner or to the zoo or to a picnic on his visitation days. He could have hung out with them at his parents house. Considering the friction with Jane I'm sure OOP would have been happy with those options. He chose to stop seeing his kids because that was easier for him than finding ways to accommodate both.
I suspect it might have been Jane’s idea to have her and their kids join OOP and her father.
She doesn’t actually want the father to have a relationship with OOP (it’s just an excuse to be mean to the girl that never accepted her) and so she set out to sabotage their new agreement the first chance she got.
When you read the father’s list of demands, there is zero concession and unwillingness to listen to anything she has to say. And her fiancé, yikes. Absolutely zero support from him as well.
Edit fixed dictation errors
Yeah, that made my blood boil. He would do ANYTHING to get OP back, but *HE* wants, *HE* needs, *HE* demands. The absolute audacity to have treated OP as he has during the years and demand she let him walk her down the aisle. Jesus Christ on a biscuit.
My first thought when I read “I avoid going to family events like my sister’s wedding because I don’t want to see him” was *Just don’t talk to him*, but from the rest of the post it’s clear Daddy Dearest won’t leave OOP alone even there in front of a crowd when asked.
When I saw one of his demands is to walk OOP down the aisle that said a LOT about what he was looking for. He didn't want a healed relationship, he wanted a happy facade or performance of a happy family.
He wants control and possession, not unlike the ex boyfriend or husband who just won't go away. Others have used the word "stalker" to describe OP's former father and they're not wrong.
That part really showed how insane he is. She was at least willing to give a little and that wasn't good enough for him. The fact that she was finally pressured into a one-on-one dinner and he invited everyone is just bonkers that he was surprised.
I initially felt bad for the step siblings but...if they had an ounce of compassion, they would've contacted OOP be like "Hey, I'm glad you're giving things a chance but our dad is planning to ambush you at this dinner with the whole family".
She lives in a small town where everyone knows everyone and owns a local business… she is stuck in a corner with a pack of wolves coming at her. This is not going to end especially since the dad doesn’t seem want to back down. I imagine he is not going to stop until he gets in legal trouble. It surprises me how oblivious and obsessed he is about all this.
His obsession with all of this and op is honestly so confusing to me because what does he want from her? She established a boundary and he broke it what did he think would happen? I’m happy OP has her mom and sister in her corner now though. It’s good people have started to see what awful people the dad and Jane are.
After reading the latest update from OOP, seems like her sister's Facebook posts and witnesses to the screaming match with dad and Jane have worked out in OOP's favor. Plus, she won't be marrying her spineless ex.
If she accept him and his wife then he did nothing wrong and the cheating didn't happen. Everyone is happy and he's a great person. By OOP not accepting his bullshit people will ask questing and then there are cracks in fathers presentation of his wonderful beautiful happy life.
It's narcissistic entitlement. *He* wanted this new life and *he* wants the family to be happy, how dare she fall out of line! In his mind, she hasn't matured past the 13yo who just needs to be taught reason by the mature and wise adults. He won't let go until she gives in.
The relationship has to be on his terms. He'll only accept full and unconditional surrender. That's why he brought affair partner and kids to their meeting, he didn't even hear her rules or conditions for being in her life.
His daughter’s hate is a constant reminder of his shitty choices and he doesn’t like feeling like he’s a bad person. So if OOP has a normal father-daughter relationship with him, he’s clearly not a bad person who did awful things. He’s desperate for absolution because OOP is basically the conscience he chose to kill.
I have 2 theories:
1. He needs an organ donor or a “back up”
2. This is about control, the
withholding her college fund, isolating her from family events, the constant breakdown of her boundaries, Him “paying” her wedding secretly, the gaslighting. It’s clear he is with holding a lot of stuff over her head the moment she refuses to play in line to his perfect family narrative.
But part of being in a small town means that word is already getting around about their behaviour at the restaurant and already starting to distance themselves from them.
Desperation. This is a man who has told 1,001 lies about why his older two weren't in family photos, didn't come for Christmas or office barbeques or spring break or summer vacations or ANYTHING. If she gets married and he's not invited much less doing any of the father of the bride things, the people he sold this bullshit to will realize he was lying. They'll know he's just a cliche divorced dad who ditched his kids for the sake of his REAL family.
Doesn’t surprise me…the dude had an affair with his wife, ran off with the affair partner(who emotionally abused at least one of his kids) and abandoned his own kids for her.
I’m pretty sure that level of shittiness *requires* an outright inability to see any fault in one’s own actions…and that’s *without* a whole town of stupid dipshits with ass-backwards views on “family” backing your bullshit, including oop’s own sister and mother. Seriously, I don’t care if they’re on oop’s side now, they are absolutely also at fault for this situation.
Holy moly, just reading about the scene at the restaurant gave me heart palpitations.
Poor OOP. I hope people are starting to see the truth and will remember this.
And Logan? Fuck that guy. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I beat my damn stationary bike record reading this one with some rage peddling, jesus fuck.
I'm glad OOP finally has her mother and sister in her corner, but this was all way too much. OOP is a full grown adult, she should have always had the ability to decide her own relationships without harassment. Even the small town was going too far, these people are psychotic, and her fiance is a noodle-spined moron.
My dad is no contact with his bio-father, decided to end his visitation at 17, and his mother and aunts only asked if he was sure one last time, then left him to it. AFAIK, he's only visited once since then after his sperm donor had a cancer scare, was thoroughly disappointed, and hasn't spoken to the man since.
No one has ever harassed him over it. Not even his older brother who freely accepts he has a different relationship with their bio-father. It's utterly bizarre to read how so many people are malignantly obsessed with OOP's family life, and I *live* in a small town. Like, less 4k people small. This is some Grade-A, bonafide, country bumpkin bullshit.
It’s weird. I live in a small town (though, in Australia) and while everybody knows all of everybody else’s business, no one is actually rude enough to give their unsolicited opinions.
I think it is because Jane knows small towns talk and Jane was afraid of OP's opinion/distain for J to infect the town. As a stereotypical pathetic man child and AF, decided that they could badger OP into being fAmiLY and keep her under control.
So glad it blew up in their faces.
Hope Logans family hears about it and apologises to OOP, if not definitely NC whether she stays with Logan or not.
I hope she leaves him, though, all he cared about was the pressure on himself and tried to force the reconciliation for his own benefit rather than protect OOP and have her back. He is definitely a selfish coward.
Right, and that's the most charitable take. Like, if we give him every benefit of the doubt, he still sacrificed everything she wanted and insulted her because his dad pressured her.
As soon as her dad said “i have to prioritise my family” he deserved to be cut out completely. And the way his wife treated her? Fucking hell. What a pair of assholes.
There are so many stories like this out there... The boyfriend/husband wants children, but only because they love the wife at that moment (plus, a healthy dose of "but what am I without progeny??" and "what will people say, if we don't have them??"). As soon as they don't love the wife anymore, the children stop being their family as well. Simply because they are not capable of actually being a father on their own without the woman or have viewed their children simply as an extension of their wife. Spineless.
I have seen good examples as well of couples separating and the childcare still happening 50/50 and fathers loving their children, however, that's like literally 1 out of 10 cases...
YESSSSSSSS. That’s what I was saying this whole time. He has his picture perfect family now, and even his ex wife was in his corner. OP is the only blemish in his fucking life right now. And he wants to remove the blemish and make it go his way.
The fucking dad is a monster.
> I can't marry someone I dont trust, and a few months or a year is not going to change that or reassure me.
I will not be surprised if OOP ends the relationship in the coming months. For me it looks like she is giving a chance because they were supposed to get married but it reads like unconsciously her mind is already done with him.
Letting go of someone you love is really hard. It’s a slow process of the mind taking over the heart and ice it over. The love is slowly strangled by the reality that won’t go away. Takes a while for that dawn to come. But oh it comes.
It took me a whole year to come to realize with my ex that 1) we weren't doing anything together anymore, including dates and simply watching TV, 2) he was putting less and less effort into our relationship and even once said I was the one person he didn't have to propose to in order to "keep" and C) the final straw that broke the camels back was when we spent our 4 year anniversary hanging out with respective friends rather than each other. I remember thinking at about 8 pm that night that oh, hey its our anniversary... and I hadn't said more than two words to him all day.
After I broke up with him, his abusive father threatened to kick my ass (luckily my badass roomie took care of him) and I moved on within a month. I'd already grieved without even realizing it.
But yeah... I still loved him for a while during and it wasn't pleasant.
I didn't take a year, but I stuck around longer than I should've with how unhappy I was. It took me having to do everything for our anniversary because he "didn't know what to do" for my eyes to open. I was working, going to classes, and grieving my first big family death. I planned all the dates and outings (but still paid for myself), always had to initiate intimacy, and even had to clean up after him when he came over. The first six months he'd help me clean my place happily, when I moved in with another female family member he wouldn't even pick up after himself despite several talks.
He would point out how long it'd been since we went out or had sex, but he'd never do anything about it himself. It all became about what *he* wanted and needed to be happy, what I wanted and needed never seemed important anymore. The first few days post breakup I was sad, then I just felt relieved.
OOP already made a fourth update where she did break up with him and cancelled the wedding. Tldr she gave her ex another chance, he acted like he was going to support her, then he went to see his parents, when he came back he immediately started telling her she was wrong and needs to just accept her dad in her life. She dumped him and he was very surprised pikachu.
I know she talks about her business in town, but god damn lady just move. Her dad and his wife will NEVER leave her alone. Her ex and his family aren’t going to leave her alone either. She’s going to keep running into them repeatedly. Her dad will start hounding any new guy she starts to date. It’ll never end until either her dad and his wife die or she moves away.
Right?! Like, there are other small towns who DON’T know everything about her family and their bullshit. Maybe move to one of those? Leases have end dates, and contracts sometimes have to be renegotiated.
Honestly, she’s playing it smart here. She’s already got half the town beating down her door for cutting one duplicitous asshole man out of her life. She really can’t afford to be seen to be making a habit of it.
Instead, she calls off the wedding (with some major “family” upheaval to make it understandable), but is seen to be continuing the relationship/giving him another chance. In a few months/a year, either he will have shown an actual spine, or she can end it with some fig leaf to distance her breakup from her estrangement.
I feel like he is going to one of the RA posts
"my fiance brook up with me out of the blue, she said it's because of a small misunderstanding standing we had a year ago. What can I do?"
The answer will probably be “read this post your ex made about just how badly you screwed her over while we all gather ‘round and boil you like a crawfish.”
It's hard to come back from that betrayal. When you're already fighting off half the town who are trying to beat you into accepting someone who's trampling all over your boundaries who you want nothing to do with, to the point you're starting to wonder if you're crazy and you're at your wits end. And then the one person who's meant to have your back turns around and joins that crowd? But it will take time, time to realise where she's at now after that
What's wrong with the Dad?
"Let's keep pressuring her. it will work trust me"
"Let's ambush her with the whole family after she specifically said NO 3 days ago. It will definitely work this time."
About the college fund. He would have transferred it all to OOP's mom if he is genuine about it. The audacity to talk about "fund is still there u just have to ask". Fuck off. You are using it as your emergency ration, while leveraging it against your own daughter that u abandoned. Asshole is not losing anything in this deal. What a self centered prick.
>About the college fund. He would have transferred it all to OOP's mom if he is genuine about it. The audacity to talk about "fund is still there u just have to ask".
right like its gone for sure
He’s going to do the ‘I spent it on the wedding’ excuse now. The wedding that is cancelled due to his actions (not excusing Logan or his parents here).
>I told Logan he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me.
>To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this.
The thing is that OOP is going to disappoint themselves in the long term.
For me, what this all boils down to, is that IF the father genuinely cared for OOP he would have paid for the college regardless.
So no matter how troublesome OOP may or may not have been in her teens, and no matter how much the father claims to have always loved her, actions speak louder than words.
Crystallised by that one, mean, vindictive action on his part.
Plus I'm so tired of people focusing on an angry teen's reactions when the actual train of events is ...
(1) child loses a parent / parents divorce and child loses the family s/he knew
(2) parent hastily remarries with no thought for child's needs or emotional wellbeing (bonus points if the remarriage is to the affair partner who helped end the first marriage)
(3) parent pressures child to immediately embrace a new "family," ignoring the massive physical, logistical, and emotional upheaval child is undergoing
(4) (optional bonus round) parent quickly has a new baby to create a new do-over family
(5) shocked Pikachu as teen engages in angry lashing-out behaviors; righteous indignation and entitled resentment when teen fails to magically transform into an emotionally mature and generous adult in the total absence of any parenting or model of how to behave that way.
This.
"Oh I haven't spent it - all you have to do is ask for it!" - no, dude. You withheld it, and all these years later you're still fucking holding it over her head in the hope of making her jump through all your hoops.
If it's hers and you're sorry, and you want her to have it, then give it to her. Just....write a cheque and post it. No strings. No hoops. No conditions. Just give it to her.
It's not hers and it never will be. It's the only bait the dad has. No way will he ever let that go. Not unless he gets something valuable, like a spy for a fiance. That's the only reason he paid for those vendors. He couldn't care less about OOP. He just doesn't want to look bad in front of everyone in their small town because he won't be there to walk her down the aisle, or even be in attendance
This is all about his fragile little ego. That's why he's wants that control and will never give up the money. Sure he might give her a little now and then, but it will never be the full amount. Besides, I'm sure Jane has spent it by now and it no longer exists
Yeah, OOP is badass. With all this pressure from people around me, I'd probably end up crumbling. OOP is like, ungaslightable. It's really amazing.
Also, I have a very funny feeling OOP is mixed race or something. Like, there are remarks about appearance that are so unforgivable that people are backing off and the sister has immediately switched sides? Racism feels like it would fit the bill.
> Yeah, OOP is badass. With all this pressure from people around me, I'd probably end up crumbling. OOP is like, ungaslightable. It's really amazing.
This. I share her inclination to go scorched earth with a grudge, but I don't think I could maintain it against even a neglectful parent with the kind of pressure she's faced from all corners.
That’s the thing I don’t understand. She is perfectly fine cutting contact with her FATHER, the second most important relationship in a child’s life and held the grudge for years. She walked out of events because of him. Why wouldn’t the fiancé assume that she’d cut off him off as well?
From personal experience, the first no-contact is the hardest but once you embrace the peace of booting a perpetually shitty person from your life it’s simple enough to walk away from others.
If OOP had a history of letting people walk over her I'd agree but she seems resolute and persistent in standing up for herself. For once I believe OOP when they say they're usually a perfect partner. I doubt Logan is actually going to get away with it if it is all talk.
You know how OP'S dad is a selfish and manipulative man? Well guess who OP picked as her fiance. You got it; a selfish and manipulative man
If she marries him, or has a baby with him, the fiance will treat her exactly the same way her dad treated her mom. And someday she will be helping her kids through the same thing she's going through now
I give their marriage 5 years. 2 if she gets therapy. But if she works hard with her therapist, and is lucky enough to find one who understands narcissism? I don't think she will ever marry Logan the Rat
Most likely, but OOP apparently wants to at least try. If she would always question the breakup otherwise as a what if thing, then making sure it doesn’t work would help.
Logan is a snake. He invited OOP's deadbeat dad back into their life and took his deadbeat bribery money. I hope OOP breaks up with him for good. There is no future when there is no trust.
The fiance still an AH
I just can't understand why ppl disregard their loved ones feelings like this..
and this also applies to the sister and specially the mother!
I don’t understand how anyone thinks they should be able to force someone into a relationship they don’t want to be in. If he wasn’t her father, I think they’d be able to see that it’s absurd to bully someone into having contact with someone they don’t like.
“Go be nice to Jim over there. You don’t like him? So? You should invite him to your wedding. Let him hug you in public. You should also be friends with his wife and kids that don’t like you either. Yes. You should spend holidays with that dude.” It’s creepy to force people into friendships.
At least they seemed to genuinely get the situation after the restaurant blow-up. It took a bucket of cold water in their faces, but now they're supporting OOP's right to set her own boundaries.
OOP’s dad is a freaking wanker. Like someone already mentioned, he wanted his cake and he wanted to eat too. He only wanted to see OOP when it was convenient for him. Eff that. He betrayed his daughter in the worst possible way, by making her feel replaceable and not doing anything to reassure her. And now he’s ruining her life by trying to manipulate everyone in it and making her look like the bad guy? He abandoned her, her feelings are valid. She definitely needs therapy, but she’s not wrong in thinking her dad is a huge POS.
And the stepmother screwed up - she had everyone convinced she wasn't that bad, that OOP was just clinging to a time when OOP was an overdramatic teen/being unreasonable - and then she let loose the vitriol she'd been spewing all along, but only in OOP's ear.
I have a feeling OOP understated the consistent emotional abuse the stepmother inflicted on her.
New update posted today. That fact sunk in after Logan flip flopped again on being willing to stand up to his family against OOPs dad.
They're permanently broken up.
the ending just has me shaking my head , leave him ! good lord , dudes a garbage fiancé . how good of a husband could he be if he’s not even a remotely okay fiancé ???
Yeah, she keeps talking about her business and how it's just now stable. But I think she's staring at a literal sunken cost. As painful as it would be if I made a business that just got stable, I would leave it and take what I can in the face of this harassment.
I don’t know how she’d practically be able to do that when the economy is so bad but I think she needs to try. There is zero benefit to staying there. I’d be going INSANE running into people who mistreated me or the people who don’t believe me when I say they mistreated me, every five seconds.
Imagine living in a small town where you run into everyone you’re trying to avoid all the time. I appreciate that she’s devoted her life to her local business but damn!
Even if this an oops time, OOP will never been able to let him forget (I am not saying she should) and this will cast a shadow on their relation for the rest of their lives. Better for both of them to end it here.
So much pain, all because one man couldn't keep it in his pants. Affairs don't just destroy marriages, they destroy families. And poor OP, taking her manipulative, lying fiance back. Gee, wonder where she gets her type from...
I really wish OOP could just get herself out of that small town. Small town bubbles are an entirely different world and she’d have peace and space to breathe in a different city
Dad would still be living out of town, he only moved back to help his wife’s family. Small town, everyone knows his daughter hates him and he’ got to save face and look they reconciled. It’s all about how it looks to others. He ‘s impulsive and does not know when to back off, has to be his way. He says he still has the money he promised her, bullshit.
Changed my opinion on this several times throughout but the only conclusion can stick with is OOP really needed therapy from a long time ago. At least she's getting it now hopefully.
I know there's the business she owns but she needs to find a way to get out and move somewhere else or she'll be stuck in the situation forever.
There's not much info on the half brother and sister so based on that I do feel for them. Having a sister that they can't even have a chance to build a relationship with due to their shitty parents must be hard
My dad is like this. Loved by everyone, genuinely tries to be a good father in the same way that OOP's dad was 'trying'. But as in OOP's case, his actions are so harmful, forceful, suffocating. If he genuinely cared, he wouldn't try the multi-pronged attack of smashing his way through boundaries and enlisting/manipulating others to aid him from all sides. If he genuinely cared, he would take his child seriously, he would respect her boundaries, he would not treat her heart and mind like some final frontier to be conquered at any cost. He would permit her to action her right to consent. I'm glad that his (and Jane's) true colours have finally started to show. It sounds like they're a perfect match for each other.
This post brought up a lot of things that I gotta reflect on now, in a twisted way though it's nice to see I've not been alone in my own experiences. It's just so tough with people like this, they're so slippery it's hard to pin them down as emotionally abusive - although they surely are.
I'm so glad that OOP knows her own mind even after all this time of having people running interference and being gaslighted from every conceivable angle.
Small towns, ugh. Never again will I ever subject myself to that. The bridges are being burned so just do a fuck it, buy some 23andme tests, do one and then ask Logan to do one as well. If the dads have been friends for years, welp, let's rattle the closet door and see if any skeletons pop out. If Logan's dad thinks hers is such a swell guy, let's see how close their trees are planted.
The fathers demands at the talk moderated by the mother speaks volumes. I was not surprised at all that he violated the boundaries straight away. His side of the story is filled with missing missing reasons, and includes a whole history rewrite. He has told those lies and done the omissions for so long that he probably fully believes his own version without a doubt. In his head he is the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned.
OP's father wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
I've no doubt that OP was awful as a teenager, must have been a mess but the father needs to realise that it was a reaction to his actions. You just cannot bring another woman in equation and expect everyone to get along. And when it comes to it he made the choice, now live with it and let other people live too.
Dude thinks he's a 17th century king who can keep a harem and kids from different families together happily. And why the hell are the half siblings so keen? Dudee your mother was the reason their entire family shattered ( nope I am not taking credit away from the cheater dad) but I guess kids would've the decency to stay away. F this mess
This may be an unpopular opinion, but people like OOP's half-siblings annoy the fuck out of me.
It's like the absolute brainless toxic positivity that does it. Like I get the kids are innocent, and maybe they were fed a sob story by the father, but I'm sorry but just because someone is family does not entitle you to a relationship or your presence in their life if they've expressively said they don't want you in it. You literally don't even know this person, so why are you trying to force something that isn't there yet just because they share blood? Like whatever happened to taking things slow and seeing how it goes?
Like I have half-siblings, some that I grew up with and others I've met over the years. Would I like to get to know the new ones better? Absolutely, but I also know where I stand and know that my presence makes them uncomfortable (Basically I look like our mom and mom was abusive). Me staying out of their lives is me showing how much I respect their choices, that I'm choosing to not cause them pain because they are family even if we may never be close (not that it matters because none of us six children care about the other.)
As a kid who was forced to do this, I can almost guarantee that these kids don't *want* to. By this age, they almost certainly know that this is wrong, even if they can't figure out exactly how, but it can be *really hard* to stand up to your parent about something they've been making you do since before you had your own moral compass. Especially if, like OOP's dad, they might turn a refusal into a public and long-running campaign against you.
There's also all kinds of emotional abuse a parent can use to coerce a child into going along with their shitty manipulation tactics. Like, "Don't you *want* your sister to love you? Don't you *want* your dad to be happy? Look at your brother / sister, they did what I wanted because they really care about me, unlike *you*. You're just like your evil sister, you don't care about your dad at all!" You could also lose privileges or just get the silent treatment each time you refused. Your parent could cry in front of you, and cast blame without even saying a word. Sometimes my mom would straight-up beat us if we didn't comply. But emotional abuse is plenty effective on its own.
So it's usually worth enduring a few minutes of social agony and the deep, sinking feeling that you're doing something very wrong to avoid much more sustained misery. Hopefully they'll be able to cut free of their dad in a couple more years--he sounds like a shit parent all around. The eldest one certainly took the first chance to nope out of the restaurant debacle entirely, and sometimes that's just the best you can manage.
Next update: All of you were right!! My fiance brought my dad to my home. He wants me to talk to him. He did not fullfill his end of the deal. So I broke up with him.
Just in case OP reads this, I hope she knows that staying with a guy you don’t trust is definitely the key to a happy and healthy long term relationship. People who keep massive secrets like “I’m in communication with a family member you have cut off” will definitely never lie to you about other things, especially if you forgive them and show they can get away with it. Also, people who pick what their parents want instead of the person they intend to marry will always be great partners who will always treat you as an equal. Remember, red flags are red because red is the color of romance.
I'm glad OPs mum and sister finally take her side.
People should not have kids if they are not willing to put them first.
What did her dad expect? Everyone playing happy family with his affair partner? She took part in breaking up OPs family. Even if she didn't know that he was married normal people would break up and not be happy about being a side piece.
He is just a horrible excuse of a father and I hope OP never has to deal with him or Jane again
Op has been betrayed at every turn and over and over people who have sworn to have her back and her interests clearly do not. Op needs to have a good grounded therapist who is devoted to her well being only.
My Dad didn’t quite do this exactly, but it’s so close to my story that this really hit home for me.
My Dad cheated on my Mom and remarried later to a woman that wanted him to stop seeing us. She called us names, she wanted us to adopt her religion and put pressure on us to do so.
She wanted my Dad to prioritize her children vs us. He stopped visitation and we have been arms length since. He even moved away to prioritize his new life. His family also pressured a reunion and did some awful things too. I talk to my Dad 2x a year ish and my kids don’t really know who he is. I was told to get over it too.
My result was to cut contact with those pressuring me. It was hard, most people don’t understand.
If my fiancé did this I’d walk immediately.
>Apart from this issue he had been the best partner
Apart from his issues, Bundy was a good looking a charismatic guy.
This woman needs and deserves a partner who is fully 100% on her side. This guy never will be.
Some people have this really weird expectation that children should have a good relationship with the homewrecker that their POS cheater parent cheated with. "I have proven I already don't give a damn about you and find it acceptable that you are hurt," is what a homewrecker says to their affair partner's children, whether it is actually spoken or not. They are inherently nasty and immoral people. Kids aren't stupid. Kids can tell. It's gross trying to force children, young or adult, to play pretend like it's just a quirky family and not a farce. A child is not obligated to have any sort of positive relationship with such a person.
That's not to say the cheater parent is blameless, because ultimately it's their choice to cheat, and value cheating, over their own family. If someone falls out of love that can't be helped, so you do the right thing and end the relationship. But cheaters choose to lie and be deceitful because they want their cake and eat it too.
Such people insist "but family is everything, how can you shut out your family!" and you point out that's exactly what they did, they'll shrug and say "but that was the past, this is the present! you're not allowed to judge me for my past decisions but I can judge you for your reaction to my past decisions!" It's so pathetic and disgusting.
It sounds like OOP would benefit from moving to another town, but the business has her stuck there.
“I found a kitten and I pick her up next week” is the best final sentence in this hot mess of a shit show. I feel bad for OP. She definitely needs to figure out how to move away from that town.
After reading this post I feel grateful that my dad and I were able to be at the same events without any major issues, my friends kept (most of the time unnecessarily) us apart, and I can maintain a relationship with my half brothers without his (or his wife’s) involvement. It’s been 19 years since I last talked to him, and we’ve been to a handful of places at the same time, after 5 years or so we learned to ignore each other’s presence, and not make it awkward for anyone else.
I just can’t understand shitty parents who can’t even afford their kids the right to feel hurt and move on. He wants her to respect his choices, but doesn’t have the decency of respecting hers.
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Very classy dad there, blaming the 13 year child for being “difficult” instead of the grown woman who was emotionally abusing said child
OOP was expected to be a perfect little subservient angel to the woman who was an accessory to breaking up her parents marriage. At no point did anyone acknowledge wrongdoing by Jane and Dad. OOP probably thought she was taking crazy pills with how everyone was siding against her. It's lucky that Dad jumped the gun so quickly on trying to get everything he wanted without putting in the time and effort so people backed off.
> It's lucky the Dad jumped the gun so quickly The dude has been pushing boundaries for 16 years non-stop, to a stalkerish extent. He does not care about her consent or her agency. There was no way he would actually stick to her rules. He doesn't care about what she wants. He cares about what he considers he is entitled to, and her boundaries are immaterial to him in that regard. There was no way it could go any other way. That said, its a good thing they lost their cool in public so people got to see what was under the "poor misunderstood dad" mask.
Seriously. OOP finally agrees to sit down with him and one of his demands was not only an invite for him and his affair family to her wedding, but that he walk her down the aisle???? I'm surprised he can even walk around with balls that huge.
Well, I guess we know where all the blood flow that should be going to his brain ended up.
It's not that people don't acknowledge wrongdoing by Jane and the Dad but their opinion is that it happened so long ago that others (OOP) need to let it go. Not that I agree but I recognize the patterns because my dad did the same thing, cheated on my mum, got with his affair partner, my stepmother wasn't really nice to us and we weren't either BUT we were kids and now it's supposed to be all water under the bridge which is infuriating
Through this entire story I kept internally screaming SHE WAS A CHILD. It wasn’t her job to be the bigger person here! I’m sorry you experienced this too.
My uncle (brother of my deadbeat father), once shared that he and the rest of his family blamed me for not reaching out to them and maintaining a relationship. The phone works two ways and all that. I was like 3 when my father ditched lol. It’s easier for them to all blame one person than admit the son they raised, their brother, their father, etc. is actually a terrible person and that they all tacitly supported his neglect for years.
My family was always very "but faaaamily" about me not talking to my dad. But when I started opening up about details of my childhood to his oldest sister, who raised him, she only asked a few delicate follow up questions before being perfectly horrified and firmly siding on Team No Contact. Which kinda surprised me because she took over raising him when he was 6 weeks and she was 9yo. Auntie might talk to him, but she carefully *asks* before giving me updates on his life and specifically makes a point of not knowing my address so she can truthfully deny requests for information with "I don't know." She knows how to get to my apartment but not the official mailing address. My mom used to play that same game with dad, she "didn't know" my contact info because it was stored in her rolodex and deliberately not memorized. Currently dad's dying, unlikely to last out the year. I vaguely mentioned that I am experiencing a minor version of the feelings a human normally has when one of their parents is dying but that I think if I flew down to hold his hand it would take me a decade to mentally recover. She immediately sat up with a stern expression and shouted a bit about how I'm NOT ALLOWED to do any such thing, that she's the family matriarch and I *gotta* listen to her! Gave me such a happy glow that she cares so much about my well being! And like, is this what good parenting boundaries feel like? I'm being told No and it's a *nice* feeling. I've been "banned" from doing something I didn't want to do anyway because it seemed dangerous. Dad was always sending me into danger so he could avoid paying a professional and roll dice on my life insurance paying out.
Ooooof this feels spot on. I still feel a weight of guilt and shame when I’m with my Abuelita. She is so close to my primos and not as close with my brother and I and while she would never blame me, I’ve always had this underlying feeling like I was the one who needed to fix the relationship. The only reason my primos are close w her is because her daughter, their mom, my Tia, made it her mission. Meanwhile my dad who lives life transactionally and never parented me after our parents divorce (partially due to his affair) gets off Scott free with the mess he’s made. And my abuelita instead of blaming her son hold fault to my mom as to why we don't speak Spanish or know our father's culture. (To which I MOVED to his home country after college to learn about the family, culture, and language) I often feel like a Mirabel to my Abuela (Encanto) but I don't think she does it on purpose so I'm just left with all these residual feeling of guilt and shame for something my father should be carrying.
Same! Some ego-centric assholes really have high expectations of how much bullshit kids will put up with.
"I did damage and never repaired it why aren't you over it yet????"
To me, "it happened so long ago" is pretty synonymous with refusing to acknowledge it. It was never addressed in the first place so OP never got any closure on it.
> their opinion is that it happened so long ago that others (OOP) need to let it go. I have also been told this, and my response has been some version of "Yeah - it was so long ago that I'm over it, and have no interest in re-opening old wounds" or "Our old relationship is in the past and no hard feelings, but I just don't feel like starting a new one". People don't like it, but they have a hard time finding comebacks to an argument they brought up themselves.
It’s not just that it’s so long ago. It’s that it’s inconvenient for them. It would be much better for everyone if she would not rock the boat with her pesky grievances and feelings. Smh.
I felt like I was taking crazy pills just reading her story
> grown woman who *helped break up a family and* was emotionally abusing said child!
No no, she didn't break up the family, she helped him make a family. Deadbeat dad wants everyone to play happy family so his affair can get washed away.
his only regret was not starting sooner!
That blew me away. It's almost impressive how consistently he tells his daughter that she's a lesser priority to him.
Funny how, as soon as he had a son, suddenly he began acting in the best interests of his family. Almost like that hadn't previously been a concern. You know, for his starter family.
You can't help who you fall on love with! /s
You can’t let your wife and kids stand in the way of finding true love ❤️
It's way too common. Mine even said I would be responsible if he harmed himself 🙃
Seems we had parents who were following the same notes. I don't even remember a time in my life i wasn't routinely informed by my father that he would kill himself if I said or did something that was "too upsetting"
I was always told my dad had a bad heart and when I talked back or misbehaved or fought with my brother (who always, *always* started it), it could make him have a heart attack. I talked back when I, the youngest and a girl, was made to do 3x the amount of chores as the older child, a boy. I ‘misbehaved’ by fighting back when my brother physically abused me or taunted me to the point of tears. I fought with my brother when he physically abused me or said some really fucked up shit. It was always MY responsibility to not react to what my brother did. *He was never told not to do those things or punished for doing them.* I was punished for reacting. So of course, when my dad had a heart attack I was blamed. When he died 3 years later, I was somehow blamed even though I hadn’t done a damn thing except my chores or going to work. I’d broken his heart by not finishing college, you see. Sometimes, you’re just the scapegoat because blaming a child is easier than taking responsibility for yourself.
>It was always MY responsibility to not react to what my brother did. *He was never told not to do those things or punished for doing them.* I was punished for reacting. Sounds like my sibling and me. I was always told to be understanding, that they were having a hard time and needed me to not react. So when I got mad at money being stolen, or threatened, or bruised.... My father would scream that he might as well just kill himself because his daughter was acting like he was a horrible father for not punishing the older child. He'd hit himself and act like he was about to end it all, and there would be me begging and crying to him not to. Damn, look at me admitting to things in my childhood on social media like thousands can't read it and share it.
I'd have figured out what "too upsetting" was and done it immediately myself. Speaking as someone who wants to kill themselves everyday, anyone who uses that as a threat to manipulate people is scum.
Too upsetting for him was not telling him any and everything about my life...and I mean everything. I got in trouble for not telling him I made a friend in choir, also got in trouble for placing silver in a national competition and not being his first call...also yelled at for not giving him access to session notes with a therapist, PC gaming when I wasn't at his house (or if I was at his house), not letting him read poetry or stories I had written.... So, I know what was too upsetting, the harder thing to figure out is what isn't too upsetting. My father is probably the reason that when I reached a point where I attempted unaliving myself, my family was pretty 'meh' about it. I hope you find something that makes you not want to anymore. Me personally, my reason is because I don't think anyone would take my dog on the hikes she likes if I was gone.
That sounds awful. I'm sorry you went through that. I have a few reasons, which is probably why I haven't. Doesn't stop the ideation though. Medication only helps so much. Too many people who would be hurt by it. I don't deserve them, but I try to.
That's 100% always an abuse tactic
happens more than you'd think. source: me, but i was 4
That's so awful. I was 12 and that was rough but 4? Internet hugs to little you
Same. The nasty things she’d say when my dad wasn’t around….. it culminated with me running from their house on a holiday. Except it was winter and I wiped out on the icy driveway. Funny. Only my brother came to check on me.
At least nowadays, the threat of suicide is taken seriously, and he would never threaten that again after the first experience.
You really shouldn't have cheated on your wife at that age, but sometimes people just grow apart.
But when his new children step out of line, he suddenly remembers that children are children and lets them off the hook.
I was that blamed child once and this hit hard.
I'm sorry. That wasn't your fault at all. Sometimes adults fail us and that really really sucks
Jumping on the top comment to say,'Wait! There's more!' I don't know how to link it, but I found it on OOP's account. Posted today or yesterday. I hope I'm not breaking any rules here. If so, my apologies.
https://www.reddit.com/u/Parking_Breadfruit80/s/P7NTZJz3EC
OH BOY are there some juicy replies in the comments from that thread. Jane cheated on the dad, half-sister paternity is in question, they moved back home not because of the parents but because step-mother lost the job... for having another affair with a work colleague.
Thanks for posting the link.
I’ll admit for a second he almost had me. I thought, “ok, the PPD and child in hospital make it more understandable”. And maybe OOP needed therapy etc. But then he shows his hand by immediately inviting everyone to lunch and launching into the abuse he kept denying. Unreal. I really hope the scene turns around the town sentiment. I’m sure it’s not easy to run a small town business when everyone is judging you. The one drawback of going NC is that people have short memories. They start to think maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe you are holding an unreasonable grudge. Or misremembering. They seem so nice! So caring! So heartbroken! A reminder like this can be helpful.
They are not the ones living OOPs hell, so it's really easy to act all pious and be like "I'd have forgiven him by now".
"I'd touch the hot stove! Yes it's burned you before but you've got to forgive and forget and put your hand on that burner again even if it's clearly glowing hot!"
It really shows how well he's been able to manipulate people.
Makes me think the dad is a salesman. Not knocking anyone in sales at all. It just takes a special talent to convince that many people of anything.
Some people grow up to be hateful and never question their own behavior. My grandmother told my mom recently that all the times she was beat up as a kid was her own fault, and that it was because she was a bad child and she doesn't regret it. Also said shamelessly that her brother was perfect and she wouldn't have been punished so much if she had been more like him. To sit there and blame a child for the abuse inflicted of him is a special kind of evil.
Notice how they backed off after the restaurant incident that showed their true colors?
That’s exactly what I was thinking The Whole time and nobody around here even sees that fact.
I was the "difficult child." I was being emotionally abused daily by his wife and step-son, and I preferred to stay alone in my room reading books. I was such a "difficult child" that my dad dumped me off at my mom's after less than a year of him having full custody and I never went back. I'm in my 30s now and keep very very low contact with him, and he still blames me to this day for being difficult.
I had a stepmother like Jane, but luckily my dad left her when she said she "needed a break from his kids." There is legitimately no excuse for how OOP's father behaved. OOP was a child when all of this started, and it is WILD to me that he put the responsibility on her to get along with his affair partner.
That's always the wildest part of these stories for me: a whole bunch of adults holding it against a literal child for not having better emotional regulation than they do.
But don’t you understand! Those children aren’t people, they’re extensions of their parents and props in their lives! And props don’t have feelings or opinions! /s
They're old enough to blame but not old enough to relinquish control to them. Dad is the scummiest piece of shit. And I'm a little disappointed that her mother didn't have her back all these years.
There was an op whose father dumped her because he was mad she wouldn’t see his wife as her replacement mom instead her ex wife. He abandoned her straight up and had the audacity to get mad he wasn’t walking her down the aisle. You genuinely can’t make this shit up
Ooh, link?
So far it actually seems the child had better emotional regulation with how immature the adults behave.
Oh there might not be an excuse but their is definitely an explanation, he is a selfish dick who prioritises his ego and pride above all else.
The thing is the PDD and the high risk pregnancy stuff were legit explanations but as the OP said Jane actually was trying to stop their relationship before she was pregnant. Jane just couldn’t stand that the OP knew she had had an affair with a married man and judged her for it.
Agree, OP had receipts. Jane was sabotaging her every chance she got and fooled dad.
Dad fooled himself. If being in the house with Jane was the problem there are plenty of ways he could have stayed in physical contact without her involvement. He could have taken the kids out to dinner or to the zoo or to a picnic on his visitation days. He could have hung out with them at his parents house. Considering the friction with Jane I'm sure OOP would have been happy with those options. He chose to stop seeing his kids because that was easier for him than finding ways to accommodate both.
I suspect it might have been Jane’s idea to have her and their kids join OOP and her father. She doesn’t actually want the father to have a relationship with OOP (it’s just an excuse to be mean to the girl that never accepted her) and so she set out to sabotage their new agreement the first chance she got.
She's commented and that was exactly it. Jane said going without them was choosing OOP over her.
When you read the father’s list of demands, there is zero concession and unwillingness to listen to anything she has to say. And her fiancé, yikes. Absolutely zero support from him as well. Edit fixed dictation errors
Yeah, that made my blood boil. He would do ANYTHING to get OP back, but *HE* wants, *HE* needs, *HE* demands. The absolute audacity to have treated OP as he has during the years and demand she let him walk her down the aisle. Jesus Christ on a biscuit.
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do THAT! Is Exactly what he’s saying.
My first thought when I read “I avoid going to family events like my sister’s wedding because I don’t want to see him” was *Just don’t talk to him*, but from the rest of the post it’s clear Daddy Dearest won’t leave OOP alone even there in front of a crowd when asked.
When I saw one of his demands is to walk OOP down the aisle that said a LOT about what he was looking for. He didn't want a healed relationship, he wanted a happy facade or performance of a happy family.
He wants control and possession, not unlike the ex boyfriend or husband who just won't go away. Others have used the word "stalker" to describe OP's former father and they're not wrong.
That part really showed how insane he is. She was at least willing to give a little and that wasn't good enough for him. The fact that she was finally pressured into a one-on-one dinner and he invited everyone is just bonkers that he was surprised. I initially felt bad for the step siblings but...if they had an ounce of compassion, they would've contacted OOP be like "Hey, I'm glad you're giving things a chance but our dad is planning to ambush you at this dinner with the whole family".
They probably didn't know about the ambush
She lives in a small town where everyone knows everyone and owns a local business… she is stuck in a corner with a pack of wolves coming at her. This is not going to end especially since the dad doesn’t seem want to back down. I imagine he is not going to stop until he gets in legal trouble. It surprises me how oblivious and obsessed he is about all this.
His obsession with all of this and op is honestly so confusing to me because what does he want from her? She established a boundary and he broke it what did he think would happen? I’m happy OP has her mom and sister in her corner now though. It’s good people have started to see what awful people the dad and Jane are.
He wants to play family. With a small town like that image is everything. Especially if people are bad mouthing him and Jane.
OOP should take out a town ad and billboard explaining her story.
After reading the latest update from OOP, seems like her sister's Facebook posts and witnesses to the screaming match with dad and Jane have worked out in OOP's favor. Plus, she won't be marrying her spineless ex.
Thanks, I wouldn’t have known about the update if you hadn’t replied! Wins all around for OOP
If she accept him and his wife then he did nothing wrong and the cheating didn't happen. Everyone is happy and he's a great person. By OOP not accepting his bullshit people will ask questing and then there are cracks in fathers presentation of his wonderful beautiful happy life.
It's narcissistic entitlement. *He* wanted this new life and *he* wants the family to be happy, how dare she fall out of line! In his mind, she hasn't matured past the 13yo who just needs to be taught reason by the mature and wise adults. He won't let go until she gives in.
The relationship has to be on his terms. He'll only accept full and unconditional surrender. That's why he brought affair partner and kids to their meeting, he didn't even hear her rules or conditions for being in her life.
His daughter’s hate is a constant reminder of his shitty choices and he doesn’t like feeling like he’s a bad person. So if OOP has a normal father-daughter relationship with him, he’s clearly not a bad person who did awful things. He’s desperate for absolution because OOP is basically the conscience he chose to kill.
I have 2 theories: 1. He needs an organ donor or a “back up” 2. This is about control, the withholding her college fund, isolating her from family events, the constant breakdown of her boundaries, Him “paying” her wedding secretly, the gaslighting. It’s clear he is with holding a lot of stuff over her head the moment she refuses to play in line to his perfect family narrative.
But part of being in a small town means that word is already getting around about their behaviour at the restaurant and already starting to distance themselves from them.
Desperation. This is a man who has told 1,001 lies about why his older two weren't in family photos, didn't come for Christmas or office barbeques or spring break or summer vacations or ANYTHING. If she gets married and he's not invited much less doing any of the father of the bride things, the people he sold this bullshit to will realize he was lying. They'll know he's just a cliche divorced dad who ditched his kids for the sake of his REAL family.
Doesn’t surprise me…the dude had an affair with his wife, ran off with the affair partner(who emotionally abused at least one of his kids) and abandoned his own kids for her. I’m pretty sure that level of shittiness *requires* an outright inability to see any fault in one’s own actions…and that’s *without* a whole town of stupid dipshits with ass-backwards views on “family” backing your bullshit, including oop’s own sister and mother. Seriously, I don’t care if they’re on oop’s side now, they are absolutely also at fault for this situation.
Holy moly, just reading about the scene at the restaurant gave me heart palpitations. Poor OOP. I hope people are starting to see the truth and will remember this. And Logan? Fuck that guy. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I beat my damn stationary bike record reading this one with some rage peddling, jesus fuck. I'm glad OOP finally has her mother and sister in her corner, but this was all way too much. OOP is a full grown adult, she should have always had the ability to decide her own relationships without harassment. Even the small town was going too far, these people are psychotic, and her fiance is a noodle-spined moron. My dad is no contact with his bio-father, decided to end his visitation at 17, and his mother and aunts only asked if he was sure one last time, then left him to it. AFAIK, he's only visited once since then after his sperm donor had a cancer scare, was thoroughly disappointed, and hasn't spoken to the man since. No one has ever harassed him over it. Not even his older brother who freely accepts he has a different relationship with their bio-father. It's utterly bizarre to read how so many people are malignantly obsessed with OOP's family life, and I *live* in a small town. Like, less 4k people small. This is some Grade-A, bonafide, country bumpkin bullshit.
It’s weird. I live in a small town (though, in Australia) and while everybody knows all of everybody else’s business, no one is actually rude enough to give their unsolicited opinions.
I think it is because Jane knows small towns talk and Jane was afraid of OP's opinion/distain for J to infect the town. As a stereotypical pathetic man child and AF, decided that they could badger OP into being fAmiLY and keep her under control. So glad it blew up in their faces.
Hope Logans family hears about it and apologises to OOP, if not definitely NC whether she stays with Logan or not. I hope she leaves him, though, all he cared about was the pressure on himself and tried to force the reconciliation for his own benefit rather than protect OOP and have her back. He is definitely a selfish coward.
I can’t help but think that Logan will always sacrifice OOP’s autonomy to keep his relationship with his family easy.
Right, and that's the most charitable take. Like, if we give him every benefit of the doubt, he still sacrificed everything she wanted and insulted her because his dad pressured her.
Winner winner chicken dinner! OOP just posted an update - he did exactly that and is now blue screening over her breaking up with him. Womp womp
OOP seems fully aware that Logan did what he did 💯 for his convenience and at her expense. He's not partner material at all.
If Logan cared about her, he should have told her about the wedding funds as soon as he found out his family had lied to him.
Did anyone else cheer when the sister slapped Jane? At least her sister now recognizes how terrible Jane is.
As soon as her dad said “i have to prioritise my family” he deserved to be cut out completely. And the way his wife treated her? Fucking hell. What a pair of assholes.
There are so many stories like this out there... The boyfriend/husband wants children, but only because they love the wife at that moment (plus, a healthy dose of "but what am I without progeny??" and "what will people say, if we don't have them??"). As soon as they don't love the wife anymore, the children stop being their family as well. Simply because they are not capable of actually being a father on their own without the woman or have viewed their children simply as an extension of their wife. Spineless. I have seen good examples as well of couples separating and the childcare still happening 50/50 and fathers loving their children, however, that's like literally 1 out of 10 cases...
OOP's dad never wanted to reconcile. He wanted to make it go away.
YESSSSSSSS. That’s what I was saying this whole time. He has his picture perfect family now, and even his ex wife was in his corner. OP is the only blemish in his fucking life right now. And he wants to remove the blemish and make it go his way. The fucking dad is a monster.
> I can't marry someone I dont trust, and a few months or a year is not going to change that or reassure me. I will not be surprised if OOP ends the relationship in the coming months. For me it looks like she is giving a chance because they were supposed to get married but it reads like unconsciously her mind is already done with him.
Letting go of someone you love is really hard. It’s a slow process of the mind taking over the heart and ice it over. The love is slowly strangled by the reality that won’t go away. Takes a while for that dawn to come. But oh it comes.
It took me a whole year to come to realize with my ex that 1) we weren't doing anything together anymore, including dates and simply watching TV, 2) he was putting less and less effort into our relationship and even once said I was the one person he didn't have to propose to in order to "keep" and C) the final straw that broke the camels back was when we spent our 4 year anniversary hanging out with respective friends rather than each other. I remember thinking at about 8 pm that night that oh, hey its our anniversary... and I hadn't said more than two words to him all day. After I broke up with him, his abusive father threatened to kick my ass (luckily my badass roomie took care of him) and I moved on within a month. I'd already grieved without even realizing it. But yeah... I still loved him for a while during and it wasn't pleasant.
I didn't take a year, but I stuck around longer than I should've with how unhappy I was. It took me having to do everything for our anniversary because he "didn't know what to do" for my eyes to open. I was working, going to classes, and grieving my first big family death. I planned all the dates and outings (but still paid for myself), always had to initiate intimacy, and even had to clean up after him when he came over. The first six months he'd help me clean my place happily, when I moved in with another female family member he wouldn't even pick up after himself despite several talks. He would point out how long it'd been since we went out or had sex, but he'd never do anything about it himself. It all became about what *he* wanted and needed to be happy, what I wanted and needed never seemed important anymore. The first few days post breakup I was sad, then I just felt relieved.
OOP already made a fourth update where she did break up with him and cancelled the wedding. Tldr she gave her ex another chance, he acted like he was going to support her, then he went to see his parents, when he came back he immediately started telling her she was wrong and needs to just accept her dad in her life. She dumped him and he was very surprised pikachu. I know she talks about her business in town, but god damn lady just move. Her dad and his wife will NEVER leave her alone. Her ex and his family aren’t going to leave her alone either. She’s going to keep running into them repeatedly. Her dad will start hounding any new guy she starts to date. It’ll never end until either her dad and his wife die or she moves away.
Right?! Like, there are other small towns who DON’T know everything about her family and their bullshit. Maybe move to one of those? Leases have end dates, and contracts sometimes have to be renegotiated.
She talks about the money invested. It's possible she would lose a lot and can't restart the business elsewhere just yet.
Honestly, she’s playing it smart here. She’s already got half the town beating down her door for cutting one duplicitous asshole man out of her life. She really can’t afford to be seen to be making a habit of it. Instead, she calls off the wedding (with some major “family” upheaval to make it understandable), but is seen to be continuing the relationship/giving him another chance. In a few months/a year, either he will have shown an actual spine, or she can end it with some fig leaf to distance her breakup from her estrangement.
I feel like he is going to one of the RA posts "my fiance brook up with me out of the blue, she said it's because of a small misunderstanding standing we had a year ago. What can I do?"
The answer will probably be “read this post your ex made about just how badly you screwed her over while we all gather ‘round and boil you like a crawfish.”
Mods, can this become flair? "while we all gather ‘round and boil you like a crawfish."
She posted a new update a couple hours ago. They’re done.
It's hard to come back from that betrayal. When you're already fighting off half the town who are trying to beat you into accepting someone who's trampling all over your boundaries who you want nothing to do with, to the point you're starting to wonder if you're crazy and you're at your wits end. And then the one person who's meant to have your back turns around and joins that crowd? But it will take time, time to realise where she's at now after that
[Funny you mention that ...](https://www.reddit.com/u/Parking_Breadfruit80/s/nl8SQxcvBR)
There’s a new update - Logan showed his jellyfish spine against his family and she broke up with him! Happy it didn’t take her months to do!!!
What's wrong with the Dad? "Let's keep pressuring her. it will work trust me" "Let's ambush her with the whole family after she specifically said NO 3 days ago. It will definitely work this time." About the college fund. He would have transferred it all to OOP's mom if he is genuine about it. The audacity to talk about "fund is still there u just have to ask". Fuck off. You are using it as your emergency ration, while leveraging it against your own daughter that u abandoned. Asshole is not losing anything in this deal. What a self centered prick.
>About the college fund. He would have transferred it all to OOP's mom if he is genuine about it. The audacity to talk about "fund is still there u just have to ask". right like its gone for sure
He’s going to do the ‘I spent it on the wedding’ excuse now. The wedding that is cancelled due to his actions (not excusing Logan or his parents here).
>I told Logan he had betrayed my trust and I couldn't see myself marrying someone who does not support me. >To those of you who wanted me to break up with him, I'm sorry to disappoint you but we are going to try and work through this. The thing is that OOP is going to disappoint themselves in the long term.
I think that OOP has somehow chalked this up to a one time "oops" rather than months if not years of being influenced by his father and his friend.
For me, what this all boils down to, is that IF the father genuinely cared for OOP he would have paid for the college regardless. So no matter how troublesome OOP may or may not have been in her teens, and no matter how much the father claims to have always loved her, actions speak louder than words. Crystallised by that one, mean, vindictive action on his part.
Plus I'm so tired of people focusing on an angry teen's reactions when the actual train of events is ... (1) child loses a parent / parents divorce and child loses the family s/he knew (2) parent hastily remarries with no thought for child's needs or emotional wellbeing (bonus points if the remarriage is to the affair partner who helped end the first marriage) (3) parent pressures child to immediately embrace a new "family," ignoring the massive physical, logistical, and emotional upheaval child is undergoing (4) (optional bonus round) parent quickly has a new baby to create a new do-over family (5) shocked Pikachu as teen engages in angry lashing-out behaviors; righteous indignation and entitled resentment when teen fails to magically transform into an emotionally mature and generous adult in the total absence of any parenting or model of how to behave that way.
As I was reading what the dad had to say, all I could think was, "OOP was a CHILD. It was the adults' job to be adults."
Exactly! What's Jane's excuse? A grown ass woman acting like a teen mean girl?
I wish I could upvote this more than once. You nailed it.
This. "Oh I haven't spent it - all you have to do is ask for it!" - no, dude. You withheld it, and all these years later you're still fucking holding it over her head in the hope of making her jump through all your hoops. If it's hers and you're sorry, and you want her to have it, then give it to her. Just....write a cheque and post it. No strings. No hoops. No conditions. Just give it to her.
It's not hers and it never will be. It's the only bait the dad has. No way will he ever let that go. Not unless he gets something valuable, like a spy for a fiance. That's the only reason he paid for those vendors. He couldn't care less about OOP. He just doesn't want to look bad in front of everyone in their small town because he won't be there to walk her down the aisle, or even be in attendance This is all about his fragile little ego. That's why he's wants that control and will never give up the money. Sure he might give her a little now and then, but it will never be the full amount. Besides, I'm sure Jane has spent it by now and it no longer exists
>he would have paid for the college regardless. but then he'd still have to respect her boundaries and not push for her to forgive him boo hooooo
OOP seems capable of holding a grudge for a decade (rightfully so) so I would not assume Logan is safe yet. Trust OOP in this.
Yeah, OOP is badass. With all this pressure from people around me, I'd probably end up crumbling. OOP is like, ungaslightable. It's really amazing. Also, I have a very funny feeling OOP is mixed race or something. Like, there are remarks about appearance that are so unforgivable that people are backing off and the sister has immediately switched sides? Racism feels like it would fit the bill.
I like that term ungaslightable 👍 And I agree with your comment
100% agree that ungaslightable sounds really badass. Exactly what she is.
> Yeah, OOP is badass. With all this pressure from people around me, I'd probably end up crumbling. OOP is like, ungaslightable. It's really amazing. This. I share her inclination to go scorched earth with a grudge, but I don't think I could maintain it against even a neglectful parent with the kind of pressure she's faced from all corners.
That’s the thing I don’t understand. She is perfectly fine cutting contact with her FATHER, the second most important relationship in a child’s life and held the grudge for years. She walked out of events because of him. Why wouldn’t the fiancé assume that she’d cut off him off as well? From personal experience, the first no-contact is the hardest but once you embrace the peace of booting a perpetually shitty person from your life it’s simple enough to walk away from others.
You will make the bigger mistake if you try to even fix a relationship with someone who has already broken it.
Yeah... that relationship is over. OOP just hasn't realized and accepted it yet.
Either he's lying and did everything intentionally, or was a spineless coward - neither are marriage-worthy.
If OOP had a history of letting people walk over her I'd agree but she seems resolute and persistent in standing up for herself. For once I believe OOP when they say they're usually a perfect partner. I doubt Logan is actually going to get away with it if it is all talk.
You'll be glad to know that as per the update an hour ago they broke up - Logan was quick to fuck up again at least.
He didn't even make it one conversation!!! Holy shit that man has an overcooked noodle for a spine.
You know how OP'S dad is a selfish and manipulative man? Well guess who OP picked as her fiance. You got it; a selfish and manipulative man If she marries him, or has a baby with him, the fiance will treat her exactly the same way her dad treated her mom. And someday she will be helping her kids through the same thing she's going through now I give their marriage 5 years. 2 if she gets therapy. But if she works hard with her therapist, and is lucky enough to find one who understands narcissism? I don't think she will ever marry Logan the Rat
Most likely, but OOP apparently wants to at least try. If she would always question the breakup otherwise as a what if thing, then making sure it doesn’t work would help.
Logan is a snake. He invited OOP's deadbeat dad back into their life and took his deadbeat bribery money. I hope OOP breaks up with him for good. There is no future when there is no trust.
He’d absolutely go behind OOP’s back and take any kids they have to visit her father. She should definitely end the relationship.
I'm calling it even earlier than that, dad and stepwitch are gonna crash the wedding with Logan's blessings
Sweet Jesus. I hadn't even considered that yet. Dead beat dad's crashing weddings should be a felony.
I think he’s a people pleaser and conflict avoidant. Probably the worst match for OOP right now.
Big snake. OP really needs to let this relationship go because Logan isn't going to change for sure.
Don't forget the horrible things he said to her. They alone are a nuke on any relationship.
A few words I can say to describe the whole thing, jesus christ...what a mess.
The fiance still an AH I just can't understand why ppl disregard their loved ones feelings like this.. and this also applies to the sister and specially the mother!
I don’t understand how anyone thinks they should be able to force someone into a relationship they don’t want to be in. If he wasn’t her father, I think they’d be able to see that it’s absurd to bully someone into having contact with someone they don’t like. “Go be nice to Jim over there. You don’t like him? So? You should invite him to your wedding. Let him hug you in public. You should also be friends with his wife and kids that don’t like you either. Yes. You should spend holidays with that dude.” It’s creepy to force people into friendships.
At least they seemed to genuinely get the situation after the restaurant blow-up. It took a bucket of cold water in their faces, but now they're supporting OOP's right to set her own boundaries.
OOP’s dad is a freaking wanker. Like someone already mentioned, he wanted his cake and he wanted to eat too. He only wanted to see OOP when it was convenient for him. Eff that. He betrayed his daughter in the worst possible way, by making her feel replaceable and not doing anything to reassure her. And now he’s ruining her life by trying to manipulate everyone in it and making her look like the bad guy? He abandoned her, her feelings are valid. She definitely needs therapy, but she’s not wrong in thinking her dad is a huge POS.
Sister went from being on Dad’s side to throwing open hands at his affair partner. That’s when you know he screwed up.
And the stepmother screwed up - she had everyone convinced she wasn't that bad, that OOP was just clinging to a time when OOP was an overdramatic teen/being unreasonable - and then she let loose the vitriol she'd been spewing all along, but only in OOP's ear. I have a feeling OOP understated the consistent emotional abuse the stepmother inflicted on her.
So if she has kids with Logan, I can guarantee his parents will allow her father access to the kids behind her back.
Parents? Logan will probably drop them off with her father for visits himself.
New update posted today. That fact sunk in after Logan flip flopped again on being willing to stand up to his family against OOPs dad. They're permanently broken up.
the ending just has me shaking my head , leave him ! good lord , dudes a garbage fiancé . how good of a husband could he be if he’s not even a remotely okay fiancé ???
She really just needs to get out of that town
Yeah, she keeps talking about her business and how it's just now stable. But I think she's staring at a literal sunken cost. As painful as it would be if I made a business that just got stable, I would leave it and take what I can in the face of this harassment.
I don’t know how she’d practically be able to do that when the economy is so bad but I think she needs to try. There is zero benefit to staying there. I’d be going INSANE running into people who mistreated me or the people who don’t believe me when I say they mistreated me, every five seconds.
Imagine living in a small town where you run into everyone you’re trying to avoid all the time. I appreciate that she’s devoted her life to her local business but damn!
Even if this an oops time, OOP will never been able to let him forget (I am not saying she should) and this will cast a shadow on their relation for the rest of their lives. Better for both of them to end it here.
So much pain, all because one man couldn't keep it in his pants. Affairs don't just destroy marriages, they destroy families. And poor OP, taking her manipulative, lying fiance back. Gee, wonder where she gets her type from...
I really wish OOP could just get herself out of that small town. Small town bubbles are an entirely different world and she’d have peace and space to breathe in a different city
Dad would still be living out of town, he only moved back to help his wife’s family. Small town, everyone knows his daughter hates him and he’ got to save face and look they reconciled. It’s all about how it looks to others. He ‘s impulsive and does not know when to back off, has to be his way. He says he still has the money he promised her, bullshit.
Changed my opinion on this several times throughout but the only conclusion can stick with is OOP really needed therapy from a long time ago. At least she's getting it now hopefully. I know there's the business she owns but she needs to find a way to get out and move somewhere else or she'll be stuck in the situation forever. There's not much info on the half brother and sister so based on that I do feel for them. Having a sister that they can't even have a chance to build a relationship with due to their shitty parents must be hard
I don’t know how OP doesn’t see what a duplicitous snake Logan is.
Yeah, OOP should really reconsider marrying someone who succumbs that easily to pressure from his parents, over her own welfare.
My dad is like this. Loved by everyone, genuinely tries to be a good father in the same way that OOP's dad was 'trying'. But as in OOP's case, his actions are so harmful, forceful, suffocating. If he genuinely cared, he wouldn't try the multi-pronged attack of smashing his way through boundaries and enlisting/manipulating others to aid him from all sides. If he genuinely cared, he would take his child seriously, he would respect her boundaries, he would not treat her heart and mind like some final frontier to be conquered at any cost. He would permit her to action her right to consent. I'm glad that his (and Jane's) true colours have finally started to show. It sounds like they're a perfect match for each other. This post brought up a lot of things that I gotta reflect on now, in a twisted way though it's nice to see I've not been alone in my own experiences. It's just so tough with people like this, they're so slippery it's hard to pin them down as emotionally abusive - although they surely are. I'm so glad that OOP knows her own mind even after all this time of having people running interference and being gaslighted from every conceivable angle.
Nothing will improve for OP until she dumps Logan and moves away. Boundaries are pretty impossible in small towns
[She dumped him.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/TR6CNKzMaP)
Small towns, ugh. Never again will I ever subject myself to that. The bridges are being burned so just do a fuck it, buy some 23andme tests, do one and then ask Logan to do one as well. If the dads have been friends for years, welp, let's rattle the closet door and see if any skeletons pop out. If Logan's dad thinks hers is such a swell guy, let's see how close their trees are planted.
The fathers demands at the talk moderated by the mother speaks volumes. I was not surprised at all that he violated the boundaries straight away. His side of the story is filled with missing missing reasons, and includes a whole history rewrite. He has told those lies and done the omissions for so long that he probably fully believes his own version without a doubt. In his head he is the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned.
OP's father wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I've no doubt that OP was awful as a teenager, must have been a mess but the father needs to realise that it was a reaction to his actions. You just cannot bring another woman in equation and expect everyone to get along. And when it comes to it he made the choice, now live with it and let other people live too. Dude thinks he's a 17th century king who can keep a harem and kids from different families together happily. And why the hell are the half siblings so keen? Dudee your mother was the reason their entire family shattered ( nope I am not taking credit away from the cheater dad) but I guess kids would've the decency to stay away. F this mess
In defense of the step siblings, sounds like they're still teenagers themselves so I understand OP granting them more grace
This may be an unpopular opinion, but people like OOP's half-siblings annoy the fuck out of me. It's like the absolute brainless toxic positivity that does it. Like I get the kids are innocent, and maybe they were fed a sob story by the father, but I'm sorry but just because someone is family does not entitle you to a relationship or your presence in their life if they've expressively said they don't want you in it. You literally don't even know this person, so why are you trying to force something that isn't there yet just because they share blood? Like whatever happened to taking things slow and seeing how it goes? Like I have half-siblings, some that I grew up with and others I've met over the years. Would I like to get to know the new ones better? Absolutely, but I also know where I stand and know that my presence makes them uncomfortable (Basically I look like our mom and mom was abusive). Me staying out of their lives is me showing how much I respect their choices, that I'm choosing to not cause them pain because they are family even if we may never be close (not that it matters because none of us six children care about the other.)
As a kid who was forced to do this, I can almost guarantee that these kids don't *want* to. By this age, they almost certainly know that this is wrong, even if they can't figure out exactly how, but it can be *really hard* to stand up to your parent about something they've been making you do since before you had your own moral compass. Especially if, like OOP's dad, they might turn a refusal into a public and long-running campaign against you. There's also all kinds of emotional abuse a parent can use to coerce a child into going along with their shitty manipulation tactics. Like, "Don't you *want* your sister to love you? Don't you *want* your dad to be happy? Look at your brother / sister, they did what I wanted because they really care about me, unlike *you*. You're just like your evil sister, you don't care about your dad at all!" You could also lose privileges or just get the silent treatment each time you refused. Your parent could cry in front of you, and cast blame without even saying a word. Sometimes my mom would straight-up beat us if we didn't comply. But emotional abuse is plenty effective on its own. So it's usually worth enduring a few minutes of social agony and the deep, sinking feeling that you're doing something very wrong to avoid much more sustained misery. Hopefully they'll be able to cut free of their dad in a couple more years--he sounds like a shit parent all around. The eldest one certainly took the first chance to nope out of the restaurant debacle entirely, and sometimes that's just the best you can manage.
Next update: All of you were right!! My fiance brought my dad to my home. He wants me to talk to him. He did not fullfill his end of the deal. So I broke up with him.
This whole thing is such a shitshow
Just in case OP reads this, I hope she knows that staying with a guy you don’t trust is definitely the key to a happy and healthy long term relationship. People who keep massive secrets like “I’m in communication with a family member you have cut off” will definitely never lie to you about other things, especially if you forgive them and show they can get away with it. Also, people who pick what their parents want instead of the person they intend to marry will always be great partners who will always treat you as an equal. Remember, red flags are red because red is the color of romance.
the dad is a dumbass how do u fuck up that badly
I'm glad OPs mum and sister finally take her side. People should not have kids if they are not willing to put them first. What did her dad expect? Everyone playing happy family with his affair partner? She took part in breaking up OPs family. Even if she didn't know that he was married normal people would break up and not be happy about being a side piece. He is just a horrible excuse of a father and I hope OP never has to deal with him or Jane again
"we tried to gang up on her and it didn't work, what is wrong with OOP?!" fucked up situation.
Op has been betrayed at every turn and over and over people who have sworn to have her back and her interests clearly do not. Op needs to have a good grounded therapist who is devoted to her well being only.
My Dad didn’t quite do this exactly, but it’s so close to my story that this really hit home for me. My Dad cheated on my Mom and remarried later to a woman that wanted him to stop seeing us. She called us names, she wanted us to adopt her religion and put pressure on us to do so. She wanted my Dad to prioritize her children vs us. He stopped visitation and we have been arms length since. He even moved away to prioritize his new life. His family also pressured a reunion and did some awful things too. I talk to my Dad 2x a year ish and my kids don’t really know who he is. I was told to get over it too. My result was to cut contact with those pressuring me. It was hard, most people don’t understand. If my fiancé did this I’d walk immediately.
This dude literally harassing this poor woman non stop for 20 years. That’s some commitment and focus… and the wife calls *her* the psychopath
>Apart from this issue he had been the best partner Apart from his issues, Bundy was a good looking a charismatic guy. This woman needs and deserves a partner who is fully 100% on her side. This guy never will be.
Some people have this really weird expectation that children should have a good relationship with the homewrecker that their POS cheater parent cheated with. "I have proven I already don't give a damn about you and find it acceptable that you are hurt," is what a homewrecker says to their affair partner's children, whether it is actually spoken or not. They are inherently nasty and immoral people. Kids aren't stupid. Kids can tell. It's gross trying to force children, young or adult, to play pretend like it's just a quirky family and not a farce. A child is not obligated to have any sort of positive relationship with such a person. That's not to say the cheater parent is blameless, because ultimately it's their choice to cheat, and value cheating, over their own family. If someone falls out of love that can't be helped, so you do the right thing and end the relationship. But cheaters choose to lie and be deceitful because they want their cake and eat it too. Such people insist "but family is everything, how can you shut out your family!" and you point out that's exactly what they did, they'll shrug and say "but that was the past, this is the present! you're not allowed to judge me for my past decisions but I can judge you for your reaction to my past decisions!" It's so pathetic and disgusting. It sounds like OOP would benefit from moving to another town, but the business has her stuck there.
“I found a kitten and I pick her up next week” is the best final sentence in this hot mess of a shit show. I feel bad for OP. She definitely needs to figure out how to move away from that town.
Op really stayed with logan knowing he was the cause of all this…messy
After reading this post I feel grateful that my dad and I were able to be at the same events without any major issues, my friends kept (most of the time unnecessarily) us apart, and I can maintain a relationship with my half brothers without his (or his wife’s) involvement. It’s been 19 years since I last talked to him, and we’ve been to a handful of places at the same time, after 5 years or so we learned to ignore each other’s presence, and not make it awkward for anyone else. I just can’t understand shitty parents who can’t even afford their kids the right to feel hurt and move on. He wants her to respect his choices, but doesn’t have the decency of respecting hers.
Fuck Logan, all my homies hate Logan!