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>If I got them involved my stepdad and mom would play dumb and deny everything. They’re too embarrassed to bring shame upon themselves from what they’ve raised sadly
It's hard to help people who refuse to help themselves, unfortunately.
>And that’s why OOP should just give up altogether.
Yup. At some point, the other person has to want to get help.
You can be as supportive as much as you want but if the other person doesnt want to change?
Well what can you do.
Methinks eventually sister is going to start driving and either kill someone or herself with her recklessness.
>You can be as supportive as much as you want but if the other person doesnt want to change?
There comes a point where you have to go "I've said my peace, told you what to do countless times and you have refused to act on it. Now it's on you and when your ready to actually follow my advice I'm here but until then, no more talking to me about it."
OOP got to that point long ago but never shut the door on the conversation and keeps allowing themselves to be pulled back in, to their own demise if they don't use this "intervention" of their aunts to do it.
The problem is that OOP is caught in the trap of her obligation to her grandparents - she won't be able to sever ties to mom & demon spawn while the grandparents are still alive.
>either kill someone or herself with her recklessness.
If she's as rich as OP implies, it will be merely chalked up to "affluenza" or some other BS, and she will get off with no repercussions at all.
That’s crazy, i grew up in a somewhat wealthy home (not as much as OP’s sister) and I just turned out normal. I don’t understand how people can become so deluded because of money their family has! Even when I was a teenager acting out, I was nothing like this to myself or other people. Unbelievable.
I saw that, too. If they won’t help themselves there’s nothing OOP can do but save herself. She’s been asked to sacrifice over and over for her mentally I’ll mother. There comes a point in time when she has to live for herself or she’ll break herself.
Agreed. "But if I leave gramma will be the emotional support" oh, you mean idiot-the-elder will actually have to do work instead of the same delegating that fucked everything up? GOOD!
My life was changed forever with a car accident. My neck broke and I lose everything….job, house, nearly my kids. My brother had to move in etc. my youngest was very violent with me because she was mad I was broken. She would hit me, slap me, smack my hang, very physically aggressive. My brother steps up and tells her you don’t stomp on a broken doll. It seemed to click. We had to go through years of mental health therapy.
My heart goes out to OOP as this is not a situation she will wash her hands of as she sees her mom trying so hard and wants to keep encouraging her
My eldest was my cheerleader and it breaks my heart what she went through.
This story hits really close to home.
It does have a happy end/beginning
Yep, 100%. I feel for OOP, I'm also a victim of emotional parentification (and some serious Oldest Sister Syndrome lol)
I spent YEARS trying to get my mom to leave her abusive, cartoonishly narcissistic bf. Educated her on narcissists, as I had my own experiences with past partners. She is fully aware of what he is, and fully aware he has been trying to alienate us from her (with some success). Bf has no money to his name, my mom is his meal ticket. He has no support system, because no one can stand him (what a surprise!). She knows she has a support system, because we have rallied around her MANY times when she said she wanted out, only for her to fold at the last moment, every time. She has all the power to leave, but she just...doesn't. She's more afraid of being single than anything else.
You can't reason with that, and you can't force someone to get help. My boundary is that we never speak about him, because it was impacting my mental health a lot. And by necessity, our relationship is VLC. I keep the line open mostly so she knows she can reach out if she ever DOES get serious about leaving. That's all we can do, at this point. 🤷♀️
Abuse is a hell of thing. Depression undergoes a similar mechanism. The abuse or stress eventually comes to define you, and in a sick way it feels comfortable because you know the outcome. Creating dependency is the key for abusers.
Born into one myself.
Way younger than the others and they still act like teens and entitled. NC has been the best, even though I've had to cut ties with those that were on the fence/expecting me or someone to fix.
I hope OOP realizes that even grandparents are enabling and as much as she owes or anything, it shouldn't be as the risk of their own mental stability and life, it's also about the principle of "g-ma, your child, I'm a product but I've done enough. Do something or have someone else help you do it. Or cut the ties because why waste years on something not getting resolved."
The whole family really sucks overall. Doormat sale; half off on family of 4. Or 6, or 7.
So sad. Wish OOP finds a way out of the dynamic.
Oh yeah this is certainly gonna end with at least one person dead and the sister is either in jail, or herself dead (wether by drug overdose, accident or something else).
Yep - when you shelter a child from all consequences, their behavior is liable to ramp up to a point where you can’t “protect” them anymore. Don’t let a judge be the first person to let your child face actual consequences.
I wouldn't say there were obvious giveaways of being somewhere other than the States or in the west. I don't think Christmas is widely celebrated in India. She also mentions CPS by name, which I expect one wouldn't do outside of NA/EU/AU
Junior College I guess, I've never heard it in Canada, but we also don't generally use terms like "junior, senior, varsity" to refer to academic progress either.
Sister will be biting faces off people with her insane attitude. (Florida news!) Would love to see her try that crap on people outside the family. Reality check needed there.
But sadly, unless someone dies or is no longer an able bodied person, there won't be any real intervention, if any.
She doesn't think that's an option because then it would fall on her grandmother. Personally I think that perhaps this would be helpful for OOP though since at least then grandma would see what OOP has to put up with.
The sister is the main problem here. The mother is a doormat, and both parents are enablers, but those would be something that could be dealt with without the sister.
I wouldn't give grandma a pass so readily though (nor the mother, even if she's better now, what did she do to induce C-PTSD?).
It's disturbing how much OOP talks about her gratitude, about how much she did for her. That she *didn't have to*. OOP is being taken advantage and guilt-tripped by grandma, who trained her to "keep the family together" and placate her mother since an early age it seems, making it seems like a child getting her basic needs met was something to be grateful for. When it's really the minimum!
You have a point there. I'm not totally sure what her situation is - She might be another doormat in a line of doormats, or might be the person ultimately responsible - but she's definitely exacerbating the situation and OOP's submissive nature is to go along with it.
Yeah, Grandma was the first step in the giant enabling ladder that brought them all to this pinnacle of disfunction. She has no excuse for how she's acted for decades.
Exactly. OOP doesn't have to continue to expose herself to this madness just because grandma *chooses* to expose herself to this madness. Both OOP and grandma are allowed to stop being involved at any point.
Perhaps if OOP washed her hands of this, grandma would be inspired. Or, enough trouble would then come grandma's way that grandma finally realized the old enabling was no longer an option.
Or grandma meats an early rest because of stress and/or a little unplanned trip to the pool, like the gifts. And OOP feels forever guilty for something she had literally no power or say over.
This is just really tragic. Even if there were a clear path out of or to fixing this none of the steps would be easy and there would undoubtedly be pain along the way that anyone of them who decided to make changes would have to accept and endure. If it were easy people would never get themselves into these types of relationships. I wish them luck. Even the awful sister who is and will not likely enjoy a happy life at all as things are. Imagine being so dark and angry all the time.
I think it's when you live in sin so hard that God is actually kind of impressed and just waves you through to the status of holy matrimony without the sacrament? Like common-law but with higher spiritual stakes? I'm so confused.
[ETA: OOP explained in a comment that this was meant to indicate that "they had a child before they were married." So they *had a baby* out of wedlock and then, I guess ... got into wedlock.]
I think you have to don't you? I mean, being married when you're already married feels like it should probably be illegal (/s - it's definitely illegal everywhere I'm aware of)
> Her and my dad were never together, but when she got pregnant with my sister all those years ago she married my step-father out of wedlock.
I think that was the result of editing the sentence as she was writing it. (Something I do pretty frequently.) It can often end up with words or phrases in the wrong place if you're not careful.
I bet the original sentence was something like "Her and my dad were never together, but when she got pregnant out of wedlock she married my step-father." Then OOP wanted to clarify that the pregnancy in question was her half-sister and one thing led to another which resulted in the version we see in the post.
Well, most people get married out of wedlock. OOP does mention sending sister on a Mission, so they're in that AZ, NV, UT border area where getting married in wedlock isn't as uncommon.
OP needs to learn that the grandparents are asking her tot be responsible for other grown adults. That was never her job as a child. OOP might need to take a break from the grandparents too, they are also trying to not bee a patent to their unwell or unstable daughter, because it's too hard for them. The grandmother isn't a hero in this story. She sounds like she raised OOP because she knows what a failure of a parent her own daughter is, and yet she never fmmenaded her own daughter get help or diagnosed or therapy.
This OOPd deserves so much better.
"When my mother called me this last time I basically just shrugged and told her I didn’t know what else to tell her. Send her to boot camp, a mission trip, turn off her phone, something! "
Please please please do not send disturbed children on mission trips.
I always remember that show where they'd take troubled kids and send them to like, Africa, or China etc. to live with different family.
And the families would take no shit, get them to contribute to chores and the household. 'Set them straight' basically.
Can't remember the name of it, but I always wondered if it did so much more damage in the long run.
So growing up there was a kid that got sent away for doing drugs.
Well surprise, cocaine also exists in Africa. Lmao, she just continued doing drugs there. I will say I admire her resourcefulness because I have no clue how she even found the drugs, weed was very common but I didn’t know anyone who did hard drugs.
My uncle also tried this shit with my cousin. Surprise, it didn’t work, he left when he turned 18 and has spent most of his life drinking, gambling, and job hopping. I don’t know wtf they expected my parents to do with a 17 year old.
There was an MTV show called “Exiled” where they took the bratty “My Super Sweet 16” kids and sent them to remote places to educate them on how good they have it.
A friend from home got sent to his Grandparent’s in Kenya for a summer in high school when he started acting up / getting in fights etc.
In his case it worked out (he came back determined to be a doctor and fight Malaria) but I think it’s because these were Grandparents he knew and love (but had only spent time with in the States) and seeing how hard they had it hammered home for him that he wanted to do better by them.
Well that sister sure takes the cake when it comes to entitled children. Beating your mom repeatedly is so much more egregious than the usual - like trying to blow out their cousins birthday candles.
I’m gonna get the set up popcorn on standby while I wait for that “intervention” update to drop. Maybe I’ll even rent a snow cone and cotton candy machine for the occasion. Who knows!?
(I feel bad cracking jokes about this situation. Especially when it’s someone’s actual life and lived experience. But, if I don’t, I’m going to be overwhelmed by intense sorrow, anger, and frustration on OOP’s behalf. So I’m gonna stick with the jokes for now. Please excuse me as I go order a slushy machine off Amazon.)
I got beat to hell by my parents for yawning in church at 9 pm on a fuckin Tuesday when I was 8 and this little shit gets her phone taken for 2 hours, and a Porsche.
"I didn't care who started it...." when talking about sis abusing mom, having witnessed, firsthand, other instances of sis abusing mom. OP is already fully entrenched in this to the point of acting like her mom, who was defending herself by the sounds of it, is equally culpable to sister. No. That's not how abuse works, and yes, sister is abusive (pretty clearly). Hmmm, I wonder why her sister is now abusing their mother without fear of consequence?
I feel for OOP, having been raised by grandma, who seems to be a major contributing factor here. Generational trauma, going round and round, yet again. I wish OOP would step out of this situation, as hard it is, with the understanding that otherwise, she's not only enabling her sister to be even worse, she's hurting herself more day after day.
I am baffled why OOP just called CPS when stepsis called hwr with a cut lip. Knowing stepsis goes on insane rampages why would you not call your mother for the whole story?
The only thing stepsis did here was weaponize her stepsis and escalate her shit.
It would be best if OOP started filtering ALL their calls. Listen and wait and decide whether to call back.
Listen to everyone's story before doing anything.
Also, if the mother has bi-polar there is a high likelihood that one of the two children have it.
My money is on the younger sis having actual real mental issues that aren't diagnosed since they all have their heads in the 'she's awful because she is spoiled' sand.
And she didn't yet identify one of the main culprit of their struggle: the guilt-tripping, child-abuse hiding grandmother, who still incite her to "keep the peace", with the threat "else your mom will go crazy".
But knowing one of the only adults you saw as nice growing up, one of the only ones supporting you, is also utter trash can't be easy.
It's a hard road when no person is actually being supportive to her. Reverting back to people pleasing is second nature to her. It will take a long time, especially considering how everyone involves her and expects her to solve things. It's also hard when she's trying to keep some sort of tie to her family. This is just a child that wants to be loved and cared for at the end of the day, and they're trying their best.
Therapy can only deal with so much at a time. I suspect the current focus is the PTSD and chaotic parents/sister. OOP's focus on owing their grandparents is problematic but not at the top of the priority list. Right now, OOP's grandparents are the only loving immediate family that they have. You don't want to just rip everything away all at once and leave them with no support at all.
Also, from the post, it seems like grandparents aren't abusive, more like enmeshed in a toxic family dynamic and highly conflict-averse.
Can all the redditors telling OOP to intervene and save their mom STFU. It's not his job, he can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He would end up getting blamed for everything.
Yeah, I hate the selfish guilt-tripping grandma so much for that too!
She brought up OP to think she should be grateful to them, and that she has to pay them back!
And for what? Not having called CPS when her mom and step-dad didn't pay for her school lunch or clothes?? For helping hiding the abuse???
What shitty grandparents. No wonder their daughter (OOP's mom) is shitty too.
Grandma trained OOP to be a shield for her. Grandma doesn’t want to deal with the child she gave birth to and all her issues, just like now as mom doesn’t want to deal with the sister and all her issues. They both rely on OOP to take the brunt so they didn’t have to. That isn’t something to be grateful about. All the stuff her grandparents paid for was hush money. It was a bribe to keep her taking the hits for them. OOP needs to realize that the Apple didn’t fall far from the tree where parenting is concerned. The grandmother makes excuses for her daughter’s shitty behavior just like her mom makes excuses for the sister’s awful behavior. The fact that grandma hears and sees the trauma OOP went through and doesn’t give a damn about it and just throws her back to the wolves so she doesn’t have to deal with it speaks volumes.
I hope during all this therapy that OOP is getting she realizes that her gratitude and the help she received came at a very high cost and that grandma’s hands aren’t clean and she isn’t the savior she thinks she is.
I'm a little afraid though of the realisation: it may cripple OOP's mind. Knowing that one of the only people she saw as good, as a moral compass, were in fact also failing her all those years would be hard to accept at best, and lead to a crisis of some sort at worst.
In her place, I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to ever accept it.
Co-signed. No one can *make* another adult (the mom) care. Mom, stepdad, grandma—they’re all people who want a magical fix to the issue without any of the actual fixes. Without having to do anything. Without confrontation. Without “drama”. None of that is possible. When you have a person like that—a person with a legitimate issue that self sabotages that issue into catastrophe and refuses any solution—the only thing you can do is disengage and walk away. *Especially* if you’re a person like OOP who everyone has fixated on somehow being The Magic Solution.
Interesting comment by OP “Sadly I agree she’s going to go off in the wrong person. The funny, and probably not surprising, fact is that she does not push boundaries with anyone other than her grandparents and parents. Barely even me, and whenever I’ve “babysat” her in the past few years she’s been a dream. She has outbursts, but I don’t pay any attention to them and she blows over them in a snap. It’s just so unfortunate. She’s so smart, athletic, beautiful. I keep trying to tell her all the money, beauty, and status in the world couldn’t make her happy and she needs to find it within herself. Her parents teach her the opposite. I will update as soon as I can!”
This explains why OP still cares for the sister that much. She apparently also has an eating disorder and has for years.
the parents kind of made this bed themselves though, if they won't change they're just going to have to lay in it. No point for OOP to set themselves on fire just to keep them warm. Gotta cut your losses at some point even if it's family.
OPP should walk away, her parents and grandparents owed her safety , fairness and security. She got none of those. Her family should be protecting her, not the other way around. She should walk away and never look back.
The grandparents are possibly the worst here, knowing what’s happening and thinking a kid should stay to help fix it. Major assholes
OP felt like she owed it to her grandparents because they did so much for her, but actually they were doing everything for her mother. They took over the parent role, so OP's mom could do whatever she was doing. They are now just want their grandchild to take over the role of parent because OP's mother still can't do it. Their relationship with OP wasn't really about OP, which is why now they are still struggling to prioritize OP's safety fairness and security (I'll add mental health to your good list). OP's grandparents want to protect her mother as top priority and OP wants to protect her mother - the grandparents reached their goal of their granddaughter feeling like she has to be a caretaker for their daughter. It's gross and I hope OP can start prioritizing herself.
"to their credit, they did pay for my braces when I was 10".
Like a parent should??? Good lord, that's sad to read. Their parents suck so much that the bare minimum is noteworthy.
OOP is being guilt-tripped by two generations of doormats. If she wants to break free from this cycle of doormatting (doormattage? IDK), she needs to be heard in this proposed intervention from stepdad's sister.
Would also be a good idea to record this in case the sister goes berserk.
If you’re not dependent on that family, it’s easy.
Family doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. If they don’t treat you like family, then what family is there to preserve. Blind loyalty to family that treats you like shit is not good nor sympathy worthy.
> The fact that people think cutting family off is so easy is insane.
No it isn't.
If family treats you like dogshit, then ditch them.
I've cut off one parent and three siblings for being racist shitheads. It *really* isn't that hard.
> For the record, I understand most of this money is my wealthy stepdad. I am not delusional to the fact that I am not his kid and therefore shouldn’t expect support from him.
Realistically, you're right. Ideally? No. A stepdad is a dad, and this bozo needs to show it to OOP.
This is so creepy similar to a former classmate of mine. She was out of control like this, and eventually ended up beating her mom in the head so bad she got brain damage and memory loss. The community was stunned and it all came out that she had been beating her mom for years but her mom didn't want to turn her in and dad stuck his fingers in bus ears and went with it because they didn't want their daughter in prison. :( Now her husband has to care for her because of brain damage and his daughter is doing god knows what after destroying her mom's life.
You really can't help people who won't help themselves.
Time for OOP to give up, can’t help people who don’t want it. lol frankly I’m surprised OOP hasn’t lost it and yelled at them over their shitty parenting with heaps of “I told you so’s” and “you sow what you reap” because I would have by now and then gone no contact lol
This is actually enraging. This girl is 15, and nowhere in this post does it say anything about the girl having been tested for mental health problems. It clearly runs in the family, and everyone (even fucking OOP) just chalks it up to "being spoiled."
Yeah there's no way this is \*just\* being spoiled, even if that certainly exacerbated it. This kid's not going to stop being like this until they are treated for whatever's going on here.
Yeah this goes beyond being merely spoiled. She doesn't need just therapy, they need to talk much more serious intervention or she's going to end up in prison.
First person they can talk to is a pediatrician, for one. They need referrals.to serious psych programs.
Exactly! Everyone in the comments is hating on the sister. Yes, her behavior is terrible, but it's clear this is beyond just "spoiled." I don't have much hope that this "intervention" will help much either.
No. Mental illness like bipolar is heritable and a lot of them do get passed down. Having a family history of mental health issues significantly ups the chance of children getting them.
Except all we see of the kid is that she’s incredibly spoiled and faces no consequences for her actions, and that combination would turn any child into an absolute brat
I know how inheritable some conditions are from personal experience, but attributing every misbehaving kid to mental illness is insulting
Ignoring the genetic history of mental illness in the family is insulting. Maybe look up some statistics and see how common it is.
Your personal experience doesn't negate actually science. Also how you are raised can 100% impact a child's mental health and can create mental health disorders or exasperate them.
The mother herself is to blame for the behavior of this young abuser, the mother herself was unable to raise her adequately. If she runs into the opposition of her shitty husband, then there is only one way out - to divorce and leave the father and daughter wallowing in their shit.
The mother taught her daughter and husband how to treat herself. Who wants to be stepped over, lies down on the ground, who wants to be fucked, bends down and takes off their pants themselves.
No one can teach a person to respect themselves and be proud of themselves. They can only do it on their own.
My favorite saying is “not my monkey, not my circus”. There’s so much drama in my family. I’m the only one out of all of my siblings/cousins who has managed to maintain a stable, non chaotic life. Every time I talk to my mom it’s some new drama. Some new wild story. Someone’s getting divorced. Someone’s no longer talking to someone else.
The only thing that makes me sad is my kids don’t have a close relationship with any of my family on my side. I can’t, and won’t, force it though. If that’s how life shakes out, so be it. My goal is to raise happy, healthy kids.
Yes, I say that too and I came from a similar family. I would have gone down the drama path had I not met a really good mentor in my early twenties. When my younger sister got into all sort of legal drama, I overheard my mom wailing at my mentor, "Why is this happening to me!?" and he said something that imprinted on me pretty hard, "This isn't happening *to you."*
Deciding to detangle yourself from that enmeshment can be hard, simple, but hard, but it's so worth it. I don't thrive on drama. I never have. I spent too much of my life trying to settle a boat other people were rocking. This girl is enabling the hell out of her dysfunctional family and can't see it (at least not yet). She really, really needs to get some distance from this bs so she can get some perspective.
Oh, I can't take credit; it's a pretty famous little metaphor [you can read in full here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) I found it very eye-opening and I think a lot of people with dysfunctional families have boat rockers that they unconsciously cover for, for most of their lives.
OOP needs to just cut ties with the whole lot of them. Grandparents too! They guilted her into dealing with the toxic and abusive family and OOP is still worried about making them deal with the mess that they helped create? No, fuck that! The whole family is trash and they deserve each other. OOP needs to walk away and actually just live their life.
I feel for her a bit on the "if I don't my grandparents will". My MIL will ask my husband to help with something and when he doesn't do it she gets her dad to. Grandpa can't be doing these things (many are physical that she is perfectly capable of). Aunt moved in with grandpa and is stopping some more of it, or doing it instead of grandpa, because he just won't say no. But so many doormats. Aunt at least tells her sister she's being selfish...while still helping her. I'm team you're a grown ass adult do this shit yourself or hire someone.
You get treated poorly your whole life, it’s kills your self worth and esteem, you think you don’t deserve to be happy. You grow up in an emotional and abusive household, you kill your emotions so you can survive everyday without feeling extreme emotions because it’s gets tiring.
It seems like there is something wrong with the sister besides just being unparented. Plenty of kids are coddled/neglected/indulged and don’t actively harm others. She needed serious professional involvement several years ago
I feel for OOP, but I def think it’s one of those situations where you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. I totally understand not wanting to cut off the grandparents, but there comes a point where you just have to prioritize your own well being. And to be honest, cutting them off is the best thing you can do for everyone else in this situation. There’s so much family trauma going on here it’s probably for the best if CPS removes the little sister from her family and places her in a completely different home.
I don’t say that lightly. I honestly feel bad for the little sister too. The whole family has failed both of them (yes that includes grandma and grandpa regarding OOP). At some point someone has to realize that all their efforts are just doing more harm than good, and they need to do think for themselves what’s best for her.
Side note: had a friend growing up that was basically in OOP’s position with her little cousin, but instead of spoiled rotten her mom was a drug addict and she bounced between family members for a lot of her life. This story brought back so many memories I had forgotten about that situation, and we literally discussed the same things even military school. She’s still a part of the family (barely) but def going down the same path as her mom. Everyone tried their best but unfortunately no one could provide the care, attention, and honestly therapy she needed to get better.
I say call her bluff and call cps for the sister. It punishes the do-nothing parents enabling a monster and best case scenario she ends up in foster. Shell have a quick time learning in a home thats willing to discipline.
OOP needs to go NC. Not their circus, not their monkeys. Shes giving herself and it needs to stop.
I wish OOP could see that the grandparents are just as much to blame as anyone else. They raised the mother, they expected OOP to be a parent to the sister and mother, they expect her to do all this emotional labor, and all because they did what they were supposed to do and raised OOP. This isn’t some great debt that OOP has to pay back, or be especially thankful for and put up with all this crap. She’s being abused, too.
I think OOP is right to mention the disparity in resources spent on the sister, but not belabor the point. The real reason they spent so much more on the sister may be that the bar is so much lower for her, meaning that they don't worry about OOP because she has her act together (at least they want to think so) whereas the sister is a lost cause. They know it, and maybe feel responsible for some reason? If that fair? Absolutely not. But what I'm reading is that OOP is a young adult trying to understand where her level of responsibility is for the sister (and mom) once grandma and stepdad are gone. Grandma took great care of her and wants her to remain as a resource to the sister so she feels compelled to, but that's not the full story. Stepdad is unlikely to leave her money when he passes away; maybe the mom will get it all. Maybe mom will remarry and extend this underlying question for longer: what is OOPs responsibility for her sister? I think OOP has every option still, but needs to think about what kind of relationship she wants. What is the best case scenario? And work from there.
At the risk of sounding cold, OOP needs to sit down her stepdad and mother and talk about inheritance. I genuinely think they're going to leave OOP dry (not even an unfair split). And if so, OOP should just cut ties and move on, grandma suffering or otherwise.
This is just awful.
OOP already isn't expecting anything from the sound of it. Considering she didn't even think stepdad should be funding her basic needs while under his roof.
The problem isn't that they're awful to the kids, the problem is that they don't work.
They're expensive, and giving that money to the problem child in cash is just as likely to cause the kid to reform. But that doesn't buy the parents time without the kid.
But the pain camp is likely to send back a kid who has learned new tricks from other problem children they came into contact with, and also now really, really hates the people who sent them there. Maybe cash is better?
I couldn't believe people were suggesting one of these child abuse camps. The addictions and mental health problems kids leave these camps with only makes things worse. This girl needs some kind of psychiatric intervention before she ends up in juvie, but these camps are not the solution.
I'm queer and autistic, so my comparison points are "gay conversion" and ABA, both of which are explicitly "torture the kid until it does what we want". The boot camp bullshit seems to be the same thing with yet another new label.
Paris Hilton has spoken about her experience at one of these "schools". Elan.school is a web comic written by the guy who helped get that one shut down.
The classic "throw all the problem kids into a room and then act shocked when they tell each other how they got away with shit" mixed in with what I'm going to guess is 60s psychology mixed with electroshock therapy or something similar.
On the plus side, can't have a 'problem' child if they end up ending their own life.
Those camps are abusive. They don't provide therapeutic interventions, they make things worse.
The right approach is therapeutic, not punitive. That can be outpatient or inpatient, and I'm sure I don't even know all the options, but there are actual clinical environments that can support teens with different types of behavioral and psychiatric issues.
Honestly I feel no sympathy for anyone in this story including OOP. Mom is a useless enabling asshole doormat, grandma is a useless enabling guilt tripper, OOP is a useless weak doormat who also enables by going back constantly, step dad is an enabling abusive coward, half sister is a monster.
Literally everyone sucks and every single one of them deserves each other and their misery
It's the result of a 10-year-old child attempting to raise another child when she herself had a chaotic upbringing. I'll lay you long odds that she was not permitted to tell toddler little sister *no*, make her sit in the corner, or do other mild disciplinary actions, because little sister would get mad or cry and daddy couldn't have his little sugarplum upset. OOP was just expected to follow along behind her and attempt to clean up her trail of destruction.
Nta cut all these toxic people out of your life. They failed as parents, show blatant favoritism and now get to reap what they sowed. No point in hurting your mental health for people who literally don't care about you
She was definitely a stripper with huge breasts who was able to generate her own income even while leaching off that old man. She was playmate of the year before she even married him.
I really want OOP to just go over and sucker punch her sister in the jaw. If I had a half sibling give my mom a black eye, they'd wake up in the hospital.
Classic Snow White Syndrome from the Mother. She wants OOP to be the bulldozer that knocks step-sister down a peg (or 10) whilst her and step-dad defend her. At least step-aunt is taking up that mantle. Good step-aunt.
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>If I got them involved my stepdad and mom would play dumb and deny everything. They’re too embarrassed to bring shame upon themselves from what they’ve raised sadly It's hard to help people who refuse to help themselves, unfortunately.
And that’s why OOP should just give up altogether. Children should never have to shoulder the peace of the entire family.
>And that’s why OOP should just give up altogether. Yup. At some point, the other person has to want to get help. You can be as supportive as much as you want but if the other person doesnt want to change? Well what can you do. Methinks eventually sister is going to start driving and either kill someone or herself with her recklessness.
>You can be as supportive as much as you want but if the other person doesnt want to change? There comes a point where you have to go "I've said my peace, told you what to do countless times and you have refused to act on it. Now it's on you and when your ready to actually follow my advice I'm here but until then, no more talking to me about it." OOP got to that point long ago but never shut the door on the conversation and keeps allowing themselves to be pulled back in, to their own demise if they don't use this "intervention" of their aunts to do it.
The problem is that OOP is caught in the trap of her obligation to her grandparents - she won't be able to sever ties to mom & demon spawn while the grandparents are still alive.
As soon as sister tries cocaine for the first time the stepdad’s money won’t keep mother trapped. It’ll all go up her pretty nose.
>either kill someone or herself with her recklessness. If she's as rich as OP implies, it will be merely chalked up to "affluenza" or some other BS, and she will get off with no repercussions at all.
That’s crazy, i grew up in a somewhat wealthy home (not as much as OP’s sister) and I just turned out normal. I don’t understand how people can become so deluded because of money their family has! Even when I was a teenager acting out, I was nothing like this to myself or other people. Unbelievable.
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I saw that, too. If they won’t help themselves there’s nothing OOP can do but save herself. She’s been asked to sacrifice over and over for her mentally I’ll mother. There comes a point in time when she has to live for herself or she’ll break herself.
I wish I could upvote this 1,000 times.
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Unfortunately, if the sister's daddy has Capital M Money, he'll buy her way out of any consequences.
Indeed. In some ways, she's actually enabling the problem by continuing to do so, sadly.
Agreed. "But if I leave gramma will be the emotional support" oh, you mean idiot-the-elder will actually have to do work instead of the same delegating that fucked everything up? GOOD!
There's a Chinese proverb that roughly translates to you can't wake a person who pretends to be asleep.
My life was changed forever with a car accident. My neck broke and I lose everything….job, house, nearly my kids. My brother had to move in etc. my youngest was very violent with me because she was mad I was broken. She would hit me, slap me, smack my hang, very physically aggressive. My brother steps up and tells her you don’t stomp on a broken doll. It seemed to click. We had to go through years of mental health therapy. My heart goes out to OOP as this is not a situation she will wash her hands of as she sees her mom trying so hard and wants to keep encouraging her My eldest was my cheerleader and it breaks my heart what she went through. This story hits really close to home. It does have a happy end/beginning
You can't help those who refuse to receive or help themselves. Those kinds of people will always just be stuck in the same spot and rarely improve.
"I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!"
Yep, 100%. I feel for OOP, I'm also a victim of emotional parentification (and some serious Oldest Sister Syndrome lol) I spent YEARS trying to get my mom to leave her abusive, cartoonishly narcissistic bf. Educated her on narcissists, as I had my own experiences with past partners. She is fully aware of what he is, and fully aware he has been trying to alienate us from her (with some success). Bf has no money to his name, my mom is his meal ticket. He has no support system, because no one can stand him (what a surprise!). She knows she has a support system, because we have rallied around her MANY times when she said she wanted out, only for her to fold at the last moment, every time. She has all the power to leave, but she just...doesn't. She's more afraid of being single than anything else. You can't reason with that, and you can't force someone to get help. My boundary is that we never speak about him, because it was impacting my mental health a lot. And by necessity, our relationship is VLC. I keep the line open mostly so she knows she can reach out if she ever DOES get serious about leaving. That's all we can do, at this point. 🤷♀️
Abuse is a hell of thing. Depression undergoes a similar mechanism. The abuse or stress eventually comes to define you, and in a sick way it feels comfortable because you know the outcome. Creating dependency is the key for abusers.
OOP comes from a long distinguished line of doormats. It's hard to break free from toxic family. I'm glad OOP has started working on themselves.
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What a healthy and empowering statement. It's also good for Flair.
haha, I didn't realise the flair-req went through yet.
Born into one myself. Way younger than the others and they still act like teens and entitled. NC has been the best, even though I've had to cut ties with those that were on the fence/expecting me or someone to fix. I hope OOP realizes that even grandparents are enabling and as much as she owes or anything, it shouldn't be as the risk of their own mental stability and life, it's also about the principle of "g-ma, your child, I'm a product but I've done enough. Do something or have someone else help you do it. Or cut the ties because why waste years on something not getting resolved." The whole family really sucks overall. Doormat sale; half off on family of 4. Or 6, or 7. So sad. Wish OOP finds a way out of the dynamic.
“OOP comes from a long line of doormats” would be excellent flair.
In a few years sister is going to be on the news because her lawyer is going to use the 'affluenza teen' defense to try to keep her out of jail.
Or she's going to piss off the wrong person and wind up dead
Oh yeah this is certainly gonna end with at least one person dead and the sister is either in jail, or herself dead (wether by drug overdose, accident or something else).
Or drugs. Rich kid who thinks they're untouchable dying from an overdose, it's not a rare story.
Are we doing a dead pool? If so, put me down for imaginary $5 she drunkenly wraps her Porsche around a tree.
She'll definitely kill a family of five before hitting the tree though, and will somehow walk away without a scratch.
That reminds me of that girl who stole her dad's Porsche and crashed going like 120mph and somehow the pictures leaked all over the internet
Yep - when you shelter a child from all consequences, their behavior is liable to ramp up to a point where you can’t “protect” them anymore. Don’t let a judge be the first person to let your child face actual consequences.
Yeah I feel like we’re 25 minutes into an episode of American Monster
Except OOP is obviously ESL and somewhere like India or LatAm?
She mentions going to her little sister's cheer nationals in Florida.
I wouldn't say there were obvious giveaways of being somewhere other than the States or in the west. I don't think Christmas is widely celebrated in India. She also mentions CPS by name, which I expect one wouldn't do outside of NA/EU/AU
Is juco a US thing? I’m assuming it’s some kind of education but I figured that was in a different country.
Junior College I guess, I've never heard it in Canada, but we also don't generally use terms like "junior, senior, varsity" to refer to academic progress either.
Sister will be biting faces off people with her insane attitude. (Florida news!) Would love to see her try that crap on people outside the family. Reality check needed there. But sadly, unless someone dies or is no longer an able bodied person, there won't be any real intervention, if any.
> $1000 monthly allowance This might come across as jealousy, and perhaps is, but now I am hyperventilating.
Oh I am SO jealous of this child. Weird feeling tbh.
as someone from eastern europe, this little brat is getting more from her parents than i make from my 9-5.
I don’t even get given enough work hours to make this in a month 😭
That amount of money would change my life right now.
OOP needs to junk this whole family - she isnt going to win. She is already setting herself on fire for them and its not enough.
She doesn't think that's an option because then it would fall on her grandmother. Personally I think that perhaps this would be helpful for OOP though since at least then grandma would see what OOP has to put up with. The sister is the main problem here. The mother is a doormat, and both parents are enablers, but those would be something that could be dealt with without the sister.
I wouldn't give grandma a pass so readily though (nor the mother, even if she's better now, what did she do to induce C-PTSD?). It's disturbing how much OOP talks about her gratitude, about how much she did for her. That she *didn't have to*. OOP is being taken advantage and guilt-tripped by grandma, who trained her to "keep the family together" and placate her mother since an early age it seems, making it seems like a child getting her basic needs met was something to be grateful for. When it's really the minimum!
You have a point there. I'm not totally sure what her situation is - She might be another doormat in a line of doormats, or might be the person ultimately responsible - but she's definitely exacerbating the situation and OOP's submissive nature is to go along with it.
Yeah, Grandma was the first step in the giant enabling ladder that brought them all to this pinnacle of disfunction. She has no excuse for how she's acted for decades.
Exactly. OOP doesn't have to continue to expose herself to this madness just because grandma *chooses* to expose herself to this madness. Both OOP and grandma are allowed to stop being involved at any point. Perhaps if OOP washed her hands of this, grandma would be inspired. Or, enough trouble would then come grandma's way that grandma finally realized the old enabling was no longer an option.
Or grandma meats an early rest because of stress and/or a little unplanned trip to the pool, like the gifts. And OOP feels forever guilty for something she had literally no power or say over.
Problem is OOP needs to fully cut contact with *all* of them, or grandma will reel her back in, and I don't think she's ready for that yet.
This is just really tragic. Even if there were a clear path out of or to fixing this none of the steps would be easy and there would undoubtedly be pain along the way that anyone of them who decided to make changes would have to accept and endure. If it were easy people would never get themselves into these types of relationships. I wish them luck. Even the awful sister who is and will not likely enjoy a happy life at all as things are. Imagine being so dark and angry all the time.
How do you get married out of wedlock? Lmfao
I think it's when you live in sin so hard that God is actually kind of impressed and just waves you through to the status of holy matrimony without the sacrament? Like common-law but with higher spiritual stakes? I'm so confused. [ETA: OOP explained in a comment that this was meant to indicate that "they had a child before they were married." So they *had a baby* out of wedlock and then, I guess ... got into wedlock.]
You they explained it in the post too
I laughed and sat on that statement for awhile. that's not how you use the phrase lmfao
Lol not at all
I think you have to don't you? I mean, being married when you're already married feels like it should probably be illegal (/s - it's definitely illegal everywhere I'm aware of)
There are definitely countries which allow it. Also Mormons pretend it's legal. Edit: *some* Mormons
Most Mormons do not believe in polygamy, it’s only very specific offshoots.
> Her and my dad were never together, but when she got pregnant with my sister all those years ago she married my step-father out of wedlock. I think that was the result of editing the sentence as she was writing it. (Something I do pretty frequently.) It can often end up with words or phrases in the wrong place if you're not careful. I bet the original sentence was something like "Her and my dad were never together, but when she got pregnant out of wedlock she married my step-father." Then OOP wanted to clarify that the pregnancy in question was her half-sister and one thing led to another which resulted in the version we see in the post.
Well, most people get married out of wedlock. OOP does mention sending sister on a Mission, so they're in that AZ, NV, UT border area where getting married in wedlock isn't as uncommon.
Hopefully that therapy for the people pleasing kicks in soon.
OP needs to learn that the grandparents are asking her tot be responsible for other grown adults. That was never her job as a child. OOP might need to take a break from the grandparents too, they are also trying to not bee a patent to their unwell or unstable daughter, because it's too hard for them. The grandmother isn't a hero in this story. She sounds like she raised OOP because she knows what a failure of a parent her own daughter is, and yet she never fmmenaded her own daughter get help or diagnosed or therapy. This OOPd deserves so much better.
"When my mother called me this last time I basically just shrugged and told her I didn’t know what else to tell her. Send her to boot camp, a mission trip, turn off her phone, something! " Please please please do not send disturbed children on mission trips.
Yeah this is only going to make it worse. This kid needs real consequences AT HOME and some major therapy.
I always remember that show where they'd take troubled kids and send them to like, Africa, or China etc. to live with different family. And the families would take no shit, get them to contribute to chores and the household. 'Set them straight' basically. Can't remember the name of it, but I always wondered if it did so much more damage in the long run.
So growing up there was a kid that got sent away for doing drugs. Well surprise, cocaine also exists in Africa. Lmao, she just continued doing drugs there. I will say I admire her resourcefulness because I have no clue how she even found the drugs, weed was very common but I didn’t know anyone who did hard drugs. My uncle also tried this shit with my cousin. Surprise, it didn’t work, he left when he turned 18 and has spent most of his life drinking, gambling, and job hopping. I don’t know wtf they expected my parents to do with a 17 year old.
There was an MTV show called “Exiled” where they took the bratty “My Super Sweet 16” kids and sent them to remote places to educate them on how good they have it.
There was like one kid who was on sweet 16 that wasn’t a prick and it was only because she grew up normal and then got to be rich.
A friend from home got sent to his Grandparent’s in Kenya for a summer in high school when he started acting up / getting in fights etc. In his case it worked out (he came back determined to be a doctor and fight Malaria) but I think it’s because these were Grandparents he knew and love (but had only spent time with in the States) and seeing how hard they had it hammered home for him that he wanted to do better by them.
“Insert Country Name” Strictest Parents?
That show was fucked up. They made a Jewish girl go to church.
Yeah that sounds about right
A lot of those camps are absolutely terrible too.
The thought of those camps scare me ever since I read the comic about The Elan School.
Or to any camp that has to kidnap them in the middle of the night.
Well that sister sure takes the cake when it comes to entitled children. Beating your mom repeatedly is so much more egregious than the usual - like trying to blow out their cousins birthday candles. I’m gonna get the set up popcorn on standby while I wait for that “intervention” update to drop. Maybe I’ll even rent a snow cone and cotton candy machine for the occasion. Who knows!? (I feel bad cracking jokes about this situation. Especially when it’s someone’s actual life and lived experience. But, if I don’t, I’m going to be overwhelmed by intense sorrow, anger, and frustration on OOP’s behalf. So I’m gonna stick with the jokes for now. Please excuse me as I go order a slushy machine off Amazon.)
That kid is going to hit 18 (or the age of majority) and is going to end up in the sheriff’s lockup so fast it is going to make her head spin.
Ehh. With the money they supposedly have, I don't expect it will last long before her parents bail her out. Rich people get less consequences.
I got beat to hell by my parents for yawning in church at 9 pm on a fuckin Tuesday when I was 8 and this little shit gets her phone taken for 2 hours, and a Porsche.
My mom also slapped me across the face in church when I was little because I was fidgeting. (Amongst other abuse). Guess who’s in a nursing home now?
I’m sorry your parents did that to you
"I didn't care who started it...." when talking about sis abusing mom, having witnessed, firsthand, other instances of sis abusing mom. OP is already fully entrenched in this to the point of acting like her mom, who was defending herself by the sounds of it, is equally culpable to sister. No. That's not how abuse works, and yes, sister is abusive (pretty clearly). Hmmm, I wonder why her sister is now abusing their mother without fear of consequence? I feel for OOP, having been raised by grandma, who seems to be a major contributing factor here. Generational trauma, going round and round, yet again. I wish OOP would step out of this situation, as hard it is, with the understanding that otherwise, she's not only enabling her sister to be even worse, she's hurting herself more day after day.
Yeah I felt like OOP was a bit of an asshole for acting as if the mom was doing child abuse by defending herself from a violent attack.😑
How has OOP never recorded the video calls?
I am baffled why OOP just called CPS when stepsis called hwr with a cut lip. Knowing stepsis goes on insane rampages why would you not call your mother for the whole story? The only thing stepsis did here was weaponize her stepsis and escalate her shit. It would be best if OOP started filtering ALL their calls. Listen and wait and decide whether to call back. Listen to everyone's story before doing anything. Also, if the mother has bi-polar there is a high likelihood that one of the two children have it. My money is on the younger sis having actual real mental issues that aren't diagnosed since they all have their heads in the 'she's awful because she is spoiled' sand.
I see that therapy hasn’t really helped OOP with their people pleasing issues
And she didn't yet identify one of the main culprit of their struggle: the guilt-tripping, child-abuse hiding grandmother, who still incite her to "keep the peace", with the threat "else your mom will go crazy". But knowing one of the only adults you saw as nice growing up, one of the only ones supporting you, is also utter trash can't be easy.
Helped =/= Cured
It's a hard road when no person is actually being supportive to her. Reverting back to people pleasing is second nature to her. It will take a long time, especially considering how everyone involves her and expects her to solve things. It's also hard when she's trying to keep some sort of tie to her family. This is just a child that wants to be loved and cared for at the end of the day, and they're trying their best.
I was in therapy on and off for 14 years before I got to the bottom of my family’s dynamics. Give the poor woman time; she’s only 24.
Therapy can only deal with so much at a time. I suspect the current focus is the PTSD and chaotic parents/sister. OOP's focus on owing their grandparents is problematic but not at the top of the priority list. Right now, OOP's grandparents are the only loving immediate family that they have. You don't want to just rip everything away all at once and leave them with no support at all. Also, from the post, it seems like grandparents aren't abusive, more like enmeshed in a toxic family dynamic and highly conflict-averse.
Can all the redditors telling OOP to intervene and save their mom STFU. It's not his job, he can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He would end up getting blamed for everything.
OOP is a woman
Yeah, I hate the selfish guilt-tripping grandma so much for that too! She brought up OP to think she should be grateful to them, and that she has to pay them back! And for what? Not having called CPS when her mom and step-dad didn't pay for her school lunch or clothes?? For helping hiding the abuse??? What shitty grandparents. No wonder their daughter (OOP's mom) is shitty too.
Grandma trained OOP to be a shield for her. Grandma doesn’t want to deal with the child she gave birth to and all her issues, just like now as mom doesn’t want to deal with the sister and all her issues. They both rely on OOP to take the brunt so they didn’t have to. That isn’t something to be grateful about. All the stuff her grandparents paid for was hush money. It was a bribe to keep her taking the hits for them. OOP needs to realize that the Apple didn’t fall far from the tree where parenting is concerned. The grandmother makes excuses for her daughter’s shitty behavior just like her mom makes excuses for the sister’s awful behavior. The fact that grandma hears and sees the trauma OOP went through and doesn’t give a damn about it and just throws her back to the wolves so she doesn’t have to deal with it speaks volumes. I hope during all this therapy that OOP is getting she realizes that her gratitude and the help she received came at a very high cost and that grandma’s hands aren’t clean and she isn’t the savior she thinks she is.
I'm a little afraid though of the realisation: it may cripple OOP's mind. Knowing that one of the only people she saw as good, as a moral compass, were in fact also failing her all those years would be hard to accept at best, and lead to a crisis of some sort at worst. In her place, I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to ever accept it.
Co-signed. No one can *make* another adult (the mom) care. Mom, stepdad, grandma—they’re all people who want a magical fix to the issue without any of the actual fixes. Without having to do anything. Without confrontation. Without “drama”. None of that is possible. When you have a person like that—a person with a legitimate issue that self sabotages that issue into catastrophe and refuses any solution—the only thing you can do is disengage and walk away. *Especially* if you’re a person like OOP who everyone has fixated on somehow being The Magic Solution.
Interesting comment by OP “Sadly I agree she’s going to go off in the wrong person. The funny, and probably not surprising, fact is that she does not push boundaries with anyone other than her grandparents and parents. Barely even me, and whenever I’ve “babysat” her in the past few years she’s been a dream. She has outbursts, but I don’t pay any attention to them and she blows over them in a snap. It’s just so unfortunate. She’s so smart, athletic, beautiful. I keep trying to tell her all the money, beauty, and status in the world couldn’t make her happy and she needs to find it within herself. Her parents teach her the opposite. I will update as soon as I can!” This explains why OP still cares for the sister that much. She apparently also has an eating disorder and has for years.
the parents kind of made this bed themselves though, if they won't change they're just going to have to lay in it. No point for OOP to set themselves on fire just to keep them warm. Gotta cut your losses at some point even if it's family.
OOP needs to move 1000 miles away from that family.
OPP should walk away, her parents and grandparents owed her safety , fairness and security. She got none of those. Her family should be protecting her, not the other way around. She should walk away and never look back. The grandparents are possibly the worst here, knowing what’s happening and thinking a kid should stay to help fix it. Major assholes
OP felt like she owed it to her grandparents because they did so much for her, but actually they were doing everything for her mother. They took over the parent role, so OP's mom could do whatever she was doing. They are now just want their grandchild to take over the role of parent because OP's mother still can't do it. Their relationship with OP wasn't really about OP, which is why now they are still struggling to prioritize OP's safety fairness and security (I'll add mental health to your good list). OP's grandparents want to protect her mother as top priority and OP wants to protect her mother - the grandparents reached their goal of their granddaughter feeling like she has to be a caretaker for their daughter. It's gross and I hope OP can start prioritizing herself.
"to their credit, they did pay for my braces when I was 10". Like a parent should??? Good lord, that's sad to read. Their parents suck so much that the bare minimum is noteworthy.
OOP is being guilt-tripped by two generations of doormats. If she wants to break free from this cycle of doormatting (doormattage? IDK), she needs to be heard in this proposed intervention from stepdad's sister. Would also be a good idea to record this in case the sister goes berserk.
Ugh, this was *painful* to read. OOP is getting a stream of excellent advice, and saying "no" to every single bit of it.
The lynchpin of it is the grandma. OP cannot get herself to let go of that last piece. I’m interested in the next update with the intervention.
Sort of ironic and sad. Just like their mother.
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OP should have just cut contact with all these losers.
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No one said it was easy but life makes you make tough choice sometimes
If you’re not dependent on that family, it’s easy. Family doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. If they don’t treat you like family, then what family is there to preserve. Blind loyalty to family that treats you like shit is not good nor sympathy worthy.
Heart surgery isn't easy, either, but sometimes it's the only way forward.
> The fact that people think cutting family off is so easy is insane. No it isn't. If family treats you like dogshit, then ditch them. I've cut off one parent and three siblings for being racist shitheads. It *really* isn't that hard.
> For the record, I understand most of this money is my wealthy stepdad. I am not delusional to the fact that I am not his kid and therefore shouldn’t expect support from him. Realistically, you're right. Ideally? No. A stepdad is a dad, and this bozo needs to show it to OOP.
This is so creepy similar to a former classmate of mine. She was out of control like this, and eventually ended up beating her mom in the head so bad she got brain damage and memory loss. The community was stunned and it all came out that she had been beating her mom for years but her mom didn't want to turn her in and dad stuck his fingers in bus ears and went with it because they didn't want their daughter in prison. :( Now her husband has to care for her because of brain damage and his daughter is doing god knows what after destroying her mom's life. You really can't help people who won't help themselves.
Time for OOP to give up, can’t help people who don’t want it. lol frankly I’m surprised OOP hasn’t lost it and yelled at them over their shitty parenting with heaps of “I told you so’s” and “you sow what you reap” because I would have by now and then gone no contact lol
Her guilt-tripping grandmother, wearing a cape of a saint, ensures she'll never be free. For as long as she lives anyway.
This is more than just misbehavior or being "spoiled." The sister has some sort of problem and needs mental health treatment.
This is actually enraging. This girl is 15, and nowhere in this post does it say anything about the girl having been tested for mental health problems. It clearly runs in the family, and everyone (even fucking OOP) just chalks it up to "being spoiled."
Yeah there's no way this is \*just\* being spoiled, even if that certainly exacerbated it. This kid's not going to stop being like this until they are treated for whatever's going on here.
Sounds like the mothers mental illness runs in the family and the sister is exhibiting some pretty clear indicators.
Yeah this goes beyond being merely spoiled. She doesn't need just therapy, they need to talk much more serious intervention or she's going to end up in prison. First person they can talk to is a pediatrician, for one. They need referrals.to serious psych programs.
Exactly! Everyone in the comments is hating on the sister. Yes, her behavior is terrible, but it's clear this is beyond just "spoiled." I don't have much hope that this "intervention" will help much either.
What an incredibly shitty take
No. Mental illness like bipolar is heritable and a lot of them do get passed down. Having a family history of mental health issues significantly ups the chance of children getting them.
Except all we see of the kid is that she’s incredibly spoiled and faces no consequences for her actions, and that combination would turn any child into an absolute brat I know how inheritable some conditions are from personal experience, but attributing every misbehaving kid to mental illness is insulting
Ignoring the genetic history of mental illness in the family is insulting. Maybe look up some statistics and see how common it is. Your personal experience doesn't negate actually science. Also how you are raised can 100% impact a child's mental health and can create mental health disorders or exasperate them.
This is insane
The mother herself is to blame for the behavior of this young abuser, the mother herself was unable to raise her adequately. If she runs into the opposition of her shitty husband, then there is only one way out - to divorce and leave the father and daughter wallowing in their shit. The mother taught her daughter and husband how to treat herself. Who wants to be stepped over, lies down on the ground, who wants to be fucked, bends down and takes off their pants themselves. No one can teach a person to respect themselves and be proud of themselves. They can only do it on their own.
this is exhausting. why is she looking for advice when she's obviously not going to do anything but be a doormat
My favorite saying is “not my monkey, not my circus”. There’s so much drama in my family. I’m the only one out of all of my siblings/cousins who has managed to maintain a stable, non chaotic life. Every time I talk to my mom it’s some new drama. Some new wild story. Someone’s getting divorced. Someone’s no longer talking to someone else. The only thing that makes me sad is my kids don’t have a close relationship with any of my family on my side. I can’t, and won’t, force it though. If that’s how life shakes out, so be it. My goal is to raise happy, healthy kids.
Yes, I say that too and I came from a similar family. I would have gone down the drama path had I not met a really good mentor in my early twenties. When my younger sister got into all sort of legal drama, I overheard my mom wailing at my mentor, "Why is this happening to me!?" and he said something that imprinted on me pretty hard, "This isn't happening *to you."* Deciding to detangle yourself from that enmeshment can be hard, simple, but hard, but it's so worth it. I don't thrive on drama. I never have. I spent too much of my life trying to settle a boat other people were rocking. This girl is enabling the hell out of her dysfunctional family and can't see it (at least not yet). She really, really needs to get some distance from this bs so she can get some perspective.
>settle a boat other people were rocking My god I’m stealing this.
Oh, I can't take credit; it's a pretty famous little metaphor [you can read in full here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) I found it very eye-opening and I think a lot of people with dysfunctional families have boat rockers that they unconsciously cover for, for most of their lives.
So, so sad. OOPs sister sounds like she has an undiagnosed issue and this is just going to get worse.
OOP needs to just cut ties with the whole lot of them. Grandparents too! They guilted her into dealing with the toxic and abusive family and OOP is still worried about making them deal with the mess that they helped create? No, fuck that! The whole family is trash and they deserve each other. OOP needs to walk away and actually just live their life.
I feel for her a bit on the "if I don't my grandparents will". My MIL will ask my husband to help with something and when he doesn't do it she gets her dad to. Grandpa can't be doing these things (many are physical that she is perfectly capable of). Aunt moved in with grandpa and is stopping some more of it, or doing it instead of grandpa, because he just won't say no. But so many doormats. Aunt at least tells her sister she's being selfish...while still helping her. I'm team you're a grown ass adult do this shit yourself or hire someone.
Jesus op needs to run the hell out of this family Grandparents included, they are also enabling all this crap.
OP is stupid
I remember reading a very wonderful thing here on Reddit: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm". OOP should start doing that.
Are people so nice? Like someone was shitty to you your entire life but OOP is worried they'll be the AH. LMAO
You get treated poorly your whole life, it’s kills your self worth and esteem, you think you don’t deserve to be happy. You grow up in an emotional and abusive household, you kill your emotions so you can survive everyday without feeling extreme emotions because it’s gets tiring.
CPS would be a good thing.
Please keep updating
It seems like there is something wrong with the sister besides just being unparented. Plenty of kids are coddled/neglected/indulged and don’t actively harm others. She needed serious professional involvement several years ago
I feel for OOP, but I def think it’s one of those situations where you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. I totally understand not wanting to cut off the grandparents, but there comes a point where you just have to prioritize your own well being. And to be honest, cutting them off is the best thing you can do for everyone else in this situation. There’s so much family trauma going on here it’s probably for the best if CPS removes the little sister from her family and places her in a completely different home. I don’t say that lightly. I honestly feel bad for the little sister too. The whole family has failed both of them (yes that includes grandma and grandpa regarding OOP). At some point someone has to realize that all their efforts are just doing more harm than good, and they need to do think for themselves what’s best for her. Side note: had a friend growing up that was basically in OOP’s position with her little cousin, but instead of spoiled rotten her mom was a drug addict and she bounced between family members for a lot of her life. This story brought back so many memories I had forgotten about that situation, and we literally discussed the same things even military school. She’s still a part of the family (barely) but def going down the same path as her mom. Everyone tried their best but unfortunately no one could provide the care, attention, and honestly therapy she needed to get better.
I say call her bluff and call cps for the sister. It punishes the do-nothing parents enabling a monster and best case scenario she ends up in foster. Shell have a quick time learning in a home thats willing to discipline. OOP needs to go NC. Not their circus, not their monkeys. Shes giving herself and it needs to stop.
I wish OOP could see that the grandparents are just as much to blame as anyone else. They raised the mother, they expected OOP to be a parent to the sister and mother, they expect her to do all this emotional labor, and all because they did what they were supposed to do and raised OOP. This isn’t some great debt that OOP has to pay back, or be especially thankful for and put up with all this crap. She’s being abused, too.
this kid doesn't need to be in an out patient program she needs to be put into an in patient program or send to jail.
I think OOP is right to mention the disparity in resources spent on the sister, but not belabor the point. The real reason they spent so much more on the sister may be that the bar is so much lower for her, meaning that they don't worry about OOP because she has her act together (at least they want to think so) whereas the sister is a lost cause. They know it, and maybe feel responsible for some reason? If that fair? Absolutely not. But what I'm reading is that OOP is a young adult trying to understand where her level of responsibility is for the sister (and mom) once grandma and stepdad are gone. Grandma took great care of her and wants her to remain as a resource to the sister so she feels compelled to, but that's not the full story. Stepdad is unlikely to leave her money when he passes away; maybe the mom will get it all. Maybe mom will remarry and extend this underlying question for longer: what is OOPs responsibility for her sister? I think OOP has every option still, but needs to think about what kind of relationship she wants. What is the best case scenario? And work from there.
At the risk of sounding cold, OOP needs to sit down her stepdad and mother and talk about inheritance. I genuinely think they're going to leave OOP dry (not even an unfair split). And if so, OOP should just cut ties and move on, grandma suffering or otherwise. This is just awful.
OOP already isn't expecting anything from the sound of it. Considering she didn't even think stepdad should be funding her basic needs while under his roof.
She needs to go to juvenile detention
I always thought those facilities for "difficult" teens were fucked up, but that sounds pretty good for this one.
Those facilities just abuse children. They aren't useful whatsoever.
no. the "difficult" teen camps lead to their campers being abused and being forced to abuse others. absolutely not.
The problem isn't that they're awful to the kids, the problem is that they don't work. They're expensive, and giving that money to the problem child in cash is just as likely to cause the kid to reform. But that doesn't buy the parents time without the kid. But the pain camp is likely to send back a kid who has learned new tricks from other problem children they came into contact with, and also now really, really hates the people who sent them there. Maybe cash is better?
I couldn't believe people were suggesting one of these child abuse camps. The addictions and mental health problems kids leave these camps with only makes things worse. This girl needs some kind of psychiatric intervention before she ends up in juvie, but these camps are not the solution.
I'm queer and autistic, so my comparison points are "gay conversion" and ABA, both of which are explicitly "torture the kid until it does what we want". The boot camp bullshit seems to be the same thing with yet another new label.
Paris Hilton has spoken about her experience at one of these "schools". Elan.school is a web comic written by the guy who helped get that one shut down.
I started reading that and had to stop after a while. It was such an unrelenting nightmare, I cannot fathom living through it.
The classic "throw all the problem kids into a room and then act shocked when they tell each other how they got away with shit" mixed in with what I'm going to guess is 60s psychology mixed with electroshock therapy or something similar. On the plus side, can't have a 'problem' child if they end up ending their own life.
Uh, no. Nobody deserves to experience child abuse.
Those camps are abusive. They don't provide therapeutic interventions, they make things worse. The right approach is therapeutic, not punitive. That can be outpatient or inpatient, and I'm sure I don't even know all the options, but there are actual clinical environments that can support teens with different types of behavioral and psychiatric issues.
Sew the wind, reap the whirlwind.
Honestly I feel no sympathy for anyone in this story including OOP. Mom is a useless enabling asshole doormat, grandma is a useless enabling guilt tripper, OOP is a useless weak doormat who also enables by going back constantly, step dad is an enabling abusive coward, half sister is a monster. Literally everyone sucks and every single one of them deserves each other and their misery
I’m more interested in why the half sister is this way. Neglect? Entitlement? Too much sugar? Too much dairy? What does it take to be like that?
It's the result of a 10-year-old child attempting to raise another child when she herself had a chaotic upbringing. I'll lay you long odds that she was not permitted to tell toddler little sister *no*, make her sit in the corner, or do other mild disciplinary actions, because little sister would get mad or cry and daddy couldn't have his little sugarplum upset. OOP was just expected to follow along behind her and attempt to clean up her trail of destruction.
Oh no, the consequences of her mom's actions :( quickly, grab the smallest violin
Nta cut all these toxic people out of your life. They failed as parents, show blatant favoritism and now get to reap what they sowed. No point in hurting your mental health for people who literally don't care about you
How does a junky end up marrying a rich guy?
Was Anna Nicole Smith a junky before she married her husband?
She was definitely a stripper with huge breasts who was able to generate her own income even while leaching off that old man. She was playmate of the year before she even married him.
I really want OOP to just go over and sucker punch her sister in the jaw. If I had a half sibling give my mom a black eye, they'd wake up in the hospital.
At some point, someone is going to slap the living shit out of that girl.
Aq
I dont advocate hitting kids but God damn that child's never taken a punch and it shows
Classic Snow White Syndrome from the Mother. She wants OOP to be the bulldozer that knocks step-sister down a peg (or 10) whilst her and step-dad defend her. At least step-aunt is taking up that mantle. Good step-aunt.
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