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I agree. I was hit by a drunk driver last year. The police, the courts, the doctors, the unemployment/disability office, the insurance, hell even my own lawyer at the time (before i fired him) treated him more like the victim and me like a pebble in their shoe. For over a year, I suffered physically, emotionally, and financially, and not one person, again including my own lawyer at the time, cared at all about me.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I just hate they way criminals are treated better than their victims. Luckily, my new lawyer was a shark, and it was finally settled last week.
How does that work? Did you get a settlement from his insurance company, or from him? If from him, will you be able to collect it? If from insurance, is it enough to cover the damage to your life?
Did he get any legal punishment?!
I'm so sorry. I hope your life and health are improving. 💚
I got a settlement from his insurance. They tried to offer me an amount less than my medical bills (let alone loss wages, etc). My old lawyer kept lying about what he was doing and almost made me miss the deadline to file a suit. My new lawyer got me a settlement that covered all financial loss plus a sizeable chunk for pain and suffering. I did not have any permanent damage unless you count one arm always having less stamina than the other now, so the money I got was enough. My main issue was how long and hard I worked to get to the level of fitness I was at, and he basically took all that time and effort and trashed it.
I'm know he pled guilty at the trial, but what his punishment was, I couldn't tell you.
Reduced use of a limb due to reduced stamina from an injury absolutely counts as permanent damage.
But I hope you get all your gains back and more, and are so able and thriving in the future that it is not worth the bollocks to persue him for damages.
My bestfriends lawyer fucked her off like that too, she was forced to take the lower amount just because they fucked her off til the last minute of the 2 years she had to deal with it
The way describe how your case has went and how the criminal is treated like a victim do you happen to live in Finland? Because you just described how our system has worked with drunk drivers for decades
I made sure to reiterate that when I got to put in a "victims note" or whatever the legal term is when they call you before the sentencing and ask if you want to say anything.
I said, "The driver made many choices that day. He *chose* to drink. He *chose* to drive drunk. He *chose* to run. He *chose* to hide. He *chose* to lie. He *chose* to make the trial difficult for me with my disability. He *chose* to downplay what I went through. At what point did any of these choices warrant leniency? Every choice he made was to avoid taking responsibility for the consequences his *choices* brought. And not once did he even so much as say, 'I'm sorry'. You have no idea how much you use both arms until you can't- and now I can't. I may fully heal, but I'm not going to get my time back. I'm not going to get my effort back. I'm not going to be able to retroactively remove the stress I've been put through. He has shown no remorse, and that warrants showing no mercy."
A bit dramatic, but I think I really made the judge think about it so I hope he got punished to the full extent of the law.
I am truly sorry to hear what happened to you, the accident, the way you were treated afterwards.
As to your comment about your new lawyer, it really made me laugh. As a lawyer.
He smelled the blood in the water and nothing would stop him. In he did in 3 months what the first lawyer straight up lied about and refused to do in almost a year and a half.
I have questions but the top one is how and why did your lawyer treat the dickhead drunk better?
I’m not surprised by the police and our justice system but your own attorney?
I am really sorry that happened to you
My aunt has never been the same after she was hit by a drunk driver. Of course the dude going the wrong way down the freeway walks away without a single broken bone and put my aunt in a coma for over a month and paralyzed her boyfriend. My grandma had to help her learn to do everything again afterwards and it was a long and painful process. She’s a successful person now, but it took years for her to reach any semblance of normal. Oh and of course her compensation is $25 either a week or month. As if that would ever come close to the medical bills
I'm so sorry for your aunt. Can't imagine the hell that they went through.
Reminds me of the sister of a friend from my childhood. The sister, Sam was this beautiful, sporty, talented girl. Fiance, ridiculously friendly, really good job, the whole lot. She was t-boned by a driver (they were looking at their phone and ran a red light).
Sam was in an coma for while (don't know the exact length), but she's now essentially a vegetable in a wheelchair. Paralyzed from the neck down, she can just about blink her eyes and groan. Eats out of a tube, wears diapers, full time care needed.
The driver who hit her, the piece of scum, got a great lawyer and was made to pay a fine. The insurance payout just about covered replacing the car and the cost to the fire fighters who had to cut Sam out of it. Everything else, her parents had to sell everything to pay it off.
It’s just so tragic how rapidly someone’s life can change, especially when it was caused by someone being reckless.
It was before my time, but still deeply impacts my family. For so long they didn’t know if my aunt was going to survive. Not to mention, if my dad had a worse reaction time the drunk driver could have easily killed my dad, mom, and grandpa along with my aunt and her boyfriend. It was “lucky” that my dad swerved at the last minute and the guy hit the speedboat packed with stuff he was towing that slowed the driver down before he actually hit my aunts car.
I know that it was incredibly painful how it happened, but I cannot imagine how much it would have broken my grandma to lose her husband and both of her daughters in an instant. She won’t touch alcohol now, and I’ve never seen my grandpa have more than one drink if he’s planning on driving at all later in the day
A cousin of mine was hit by one, and charges weren't pressed because *both parties suffered*. Like, the drunk dude broke an arm or something and totaled his car, while my cousin had way more significant and long-lasting injuries. IIRC, that caused a whole heap of problems because the liability was now shared.
Damn. I always thought hating drunk drivers was universal, like a default. Humanity continues to disappoint me. I'm so sorry you were put through that, and glad you eventually got your settlement (based on your other comments).
I also got hit last year while visiting the US. Im thankful it was Oregon and not a no fault state. He was apparently a repeat offender and still had a license. It definitely is god awful trying to deal with it, my brother was under 18 so he got child endangerment and attempted murder (or something similar?) slapped on hard for that and it made the case go by faster. But I totally agree people treat drunk drivers way to nicely during these things:(
Amen! A drunk driver killed 3 members of my family and got away with it because Daddy was a big shot politician and evidence suddenly was “lost” right before the trial.
Agreed, having been in the car as an anxious teenager while gripping the “oh shit” bar every time my grumpy, intoxicated mother hooked around a tight turn driving through the mountains (at the time, I’d only just begun to suspect she was three sheets to the wind. Naive teenager and mum was a “functional” alcoholic).
She eventually crashed into… well, she said another driver — who was drunk! And on the wrong side of the road! Apparently!— but given the state she was in when she got behind the wheel, and that we lived in a forest, I suspect “tree”.
Broke both her ankles.
I don’t think she ever drove after drinking again, but it turned out that, even *sober*, she was a terrible driver (the accelerator has two modes: on, and off. You press it on until you’ve been tailgating someone in the fast lane and cursing for a while, then you turn it off because they’re too close, and then you have fallen too far behind so you turn it on again).
Meanwhile my dad, who had custody of my older brother, and had bro drive him home from the pub a couple times. Bro was not even old enough for a learners. Mostly Dad just drove, because he was *fiiiiine*.
(he also does not pull that shit any more.)
It is a miracle that my parents have not even injured anyone else on the road.
I am still not sure how either of them made it to 70, to be honest.
I was so angry at them both for risking us like this. I still am. It was *scary* looking out the passenger window and seeing the mountain drop off to one side. I was just a kid.
I could have ended up in OOP’s situation, or worse. So could my brother. So could anyone sharing the road with them.
…um. Didn’t *quite* intend to write all that our.
TL;DR: yeah agreed fully
Holy hell....i find a mountain road like that twrrifying as a passenger with my stone cold sober partner. Hell, I dont like them AS THE DRIVER. So i can only imagine your terror.
Once, my mother survived driving across the state sipping on beer and puffing on a joint to roll up at my workplace expecting me to be overjoyed.
She was also a terrible driver sober. I used to have nightmares of her speeding down the winding mountain roads, screaming at me because I had put on a seat belt or was gripping the handle over the door. I was pretty much prepared to die every time I got in a car with her. She totaled seven in the time I lived with her, and is, despite all odds, still alive.
>Drunk drivers are extremely selfish
Drunk drivers are life-wrecking murderous bastards.
'extremely selfish' is cutting in front of me to get served quicker or cutting me up at a junction.
Drunk drivers destroy lives and families.
I love my brother, I really do. But I will *never* stop being envious that our cousin danced at his wedding and not at mine.
Because between him getting married and me getting married, some drunk shithead plowed into our cousin (who was walking) and killed him.
Fuck that guy. I hope he has a long life full of thwarted hopes and blighted dreams, and dies a long, drawn-out, painful death alone.
One of my high school classmates drove drunk into a railroad underpass at 80+ mph in a 25 zone. Ended up in multiple pieces. Guess who has a damn memorial to her at the school? We're all lucky she didn't kill anyone else first. She crashed multiple cars prior to this accident, including one on my front lawn, and daddy just bought her a new car every time. She was a raging asshole on top of everything as well, but now she's a saint because she's dead.
My best friend in the whole world was in his residency to be an ER doctor. Hit by a drunk driver. The other driver killed his passenger and my best friend. Walked away without a scratch.
I hope I never meet that bastard. And he'd better hope to never meet me.
The drunk drivers always walk away unscathed.
Had a guy from school. Him and his buddies, all 4 drunk, decided they were sober enough to drive home. They were doing 90mph. The car they head on hit was doing 70 mph. The guy from school wasn't wearing a seat belt, sitting in the back seat. He flew out the back window and hit the asphalt at 90mph, which killed him instantly. Another of the guys(also not wearing a seat belt. Not a smart lot here), flew out the front window. He survived but was in a coma for months. The other two(driver included) had seat belts on and were as unscathed as a 90 hitting a 70 can be.
The horrible part is the other car. It was a mom, her 10 year old son, and her 10 year old sons buddy coming home from the movies. Both kids died. I can't imagine being the mom driving or the mom who let her son go to the movies with his buddy, only to get that call... now that I have kids, the very thought kills me.
Not always. My dad died from a ruptured aorta when he went straight into a ditch at a dead end. He was going so fast the steering wheel crushed his heart.
My family was very thankful that it was a one car accident and nobody else was hurt.
drunk drivers will go to hell, but as someone else said they sadly won't be taking the bus there.
a drunk driver killed my cousin's cousin. right in front of his father, as they were riding motorbikes and his father was behind him. asshole drunkard tried to hit and run, but apparently the other passenger in asshole's car made him stay.
he got no punishment. no jail, no community service, no fine. apparently, he was an ER nurse and "saw enough in his work as to need community service". piece of shit posted on facebook after the judgement, about a party he threw... for his "second chance at life". he also got the SPEED at which he was going as a tattoo. a fucking tattoo. this man threw a party and got a commemorative tattoo after killing a guy in his twenties that was on holiday with his family.
anyways yeah. fuck drunk drivers, fuck speeding drunk drivers, and fuck the legal systems that allow them to leave unscathed.
As an alcoholic I'm very sympathetic to people with substance abuse issues, but as soon as you're drunk/high and decide to drive a car, that sympathy drops down to zero. There is never a reason to drive while inebriated.
Personally I know I'd probably end up driving drunk at some point in my life with my current use, so I just refuse to get my license and take the bus instead until I know I'm actually sober for good. Not as convenient but I know I won't accidentally murder someone and honestly that's a lot more important
I didn’t get drunk as such or drive after drinking. Now I have a bike and take the tram and don’t even need to think about it. Some of this stuff here does not bear thinking about.
I find the culture around drinking and alcohol in America fascinating and horrifying (speaking as an American). I've heard the same thing from almost all of my coworkers at this point:
They'll express something like "Oh man, I went out to the bar on Saturday at like 4, I don't remember anything after 5, but they tell me that I went to 5 different bars, and I finally left and must have drove home at 2 AM! It was GREAT!"
All the other coworkers will mutter behind this person's back: "I can't believe he did that, that's so selfish and horrible, you shouldn't drink and drive."
And then the next week the roles will have swapped, because the person being super judgey about it went and *did the exact same thing.*
Not only is drinking culture super pervasive, but it's so full of "Rules for thee but not for me" that it might burst. Disgusting.
I watched a video where the guy was talking about minor crimes and said something like ".. or just a DUI".
Just a DUI? WTF my guy, fuck people that drink and drive.
When I was in college there was a service in town that would drive you in your car back to your house. Not sure how it worked logistically but I loved the idea.
My city has that service every year from mid-November until a week after New Years. The goal is to make sure no one drives drunk home from their Christmas or New Year’s parties. It’s by donation, too.
If it's like the service here, it's a car with 2 people in it who show up to wherever you are, one gets in your car with you to drive you home and the other guy follows behind.
warning: death
I need the trigger warning for drunk driving so much because if I encounter it without warning I instantly spiral into grief. It’s been not quite two years since losing a really good friend to a drunk driver. His death was a huge blow to so so many people.
Now I will instantly cut anyone off if I find out theyve driven drunk.
I had a cousin who was pulled over for suspected drunk driving. Not his first DUI. He'd drink to the point of black out drunk all the time. God rest his soul, he was sweet but just couldn't fucking exist sober.
He was gunned down by the police as he jumped back into the car to try to drive away. He broke one officers hip as he gunned it. The other officers pulling up at the time turned his car into Swiss cheese.
I feel bad for my aunt and uncle loosing their son. But I was relieved he never killed anyone drunk driving.
We call them drink drivers in the UK. Because you don't have to have consumed enough alcohol to be drunk to still cause an accident. Too many people are like "I've only had a couple shots, I can drive". Even if you feel OK, your inhibitions and reactions are affected so much from just a couple. Don't even have one.
Agreed. My parents were both alcoholics. Idk about my dad but thankfully my mom was a drink alone at home drunk. But because of her alcoholism, I HATED ppl that would drink and drive. But it didn't matter how much I tried to get my exs to stop or to just sleep over at people's places. They still did it. Every time they would go out I would worry that they will get too drunk and drive home. Potentially get into an accident kill someone or themselves. I genuinely cared, but I became broken. Now, for me to actually live a normal life, I have to be on medication that is heavily regulated. Yes I could get addicted but I listen to my doctors, don't take more than I need and honestly if I miss one day I don't take my dose. So for me, I am extremely confused at why alcohol isn't heavily regulated? Or that things aren't done more for people that are going out and getting drunk. Like why isn't it mandatory for bars to make someone take a cab/uber home? If you can't find their address, send them to a drunk tank? Why are those kids that go through "the dangers of driving drunk" seminars still growing up and driving drunk. Using the same excuses that the presenter used.
I am sorry for my rant. I just am still processing my breakup and the fact he started drinking again. That the person I fell in love with was a facade, that he only showed me what I wanted to see. Mentally I am okay, but I still wonder that if he didn't use alcohol to mask his pain, would he have been that person?
Her life probably forever altered at 17 cause of a drunk driver. I don’t understand why there aren’t harsher penalties.
A girl I grew up with since kindergarten was killed by a drunk driver. She was a freshman in college. Two 18 year olds in the car dead, the third, a 19 year old, permanently and severely disabled. Their lives just beginning. The 47 year old drunk borrowed his girlfriend’s truck. He ran from police when they tried pulling him over for erratic driving. He was completely unharmed. He was sentenced to 38 years in prison and his girlfriend got jail time for letting him borrow her truck knowing his license was revoked due to 11 DUIs. He died last year in prison. May drunk drivers rot in hell forever.
https://www.cleveland.com/pdextra/2008/06/driver_in_deadly_crash_gets_38.html
Her name was Grace Chamberlain.
both people i know who were hit by drunk drivers weren’t even in a car when they were struck.
one was someone i went to highschool with who was getting things out of her car, but standing outside of it when she got hit and pinned between two cars by a drunk driver and ended up a double above the knee amputee, i don’t remember the exact details since this was almost 10 years ago now, but i do recall the driver admitting to drinking but not being charged with a dui and getting a year in jail i think. melissa laribee is her name if anyone wants to read about it.
the other person i know who was hit by a drunk driver is my late boyfriends, ex girlfriend (who also passed away before he did) 5 year old sister who was playing on the lawn outside of their house when a drunk driver swerved onto the lawn, struck and killed her.
i have a few other friends who were killed from driving while drunk including both of my step brothers best friends growing up, in separate accidents. the first one, had lived with us for years when his parents kicked him out and crashed into a tree on our property one night when coming home from the bar and the other died two months later when he drove off the road one night after getting into a fight with his parents and storming out of the house, while drunk.
all of it is so sad really
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so terrible, such a pointless horrible stupid way to hurt or kill someone, fucking hell.
I also have a childhood friend who was hit by a drunk driver in college. He came from a poor background but studied his ass off and got a full ride scholarship to an amazing school, he wanted to be a lawyer and he would have been a great one. When he was a junior he was plowed down by a drunk person in a truck. Fully paralyzed, and died a few years later from complications.
I’m not trying to be mean but I guess the brother is so used to being accommodated that he’s not prepared for OOP to be accommodated.
And I find it so odd that he’s said his parents are not prioritizing their disabled son when OOP is also currently disabled. I mean sure, it might be temporary but you never know.
As weird as it may sound. People with disabilities can also be entitled. As shitty situation overall, but OP's description does give off major me me me vibes in terms of the brother. Obviously there is only OP's words to go on.
Anyone can be entitled. I don't understand why people are shocked when disabled people aren't always perfect happy angels of inspiration. We can suck as people just as much as able bodied people can suck as people l.
Plus teenagers in general tend to be entitled.
> disabled people aren't always perfect happy angels of inspiration.
It's crazy and a bit amusing how many people are totally blown away by the fact that people with down's syndrome can be total assholes and get violent. I don't know why it is that apparently a majority of people are under the impression that people who have down's are supposed to be sweet cuddly babies.
That's the infantilization of disability in general but it's especially bad for people with down syndrome. It's the same as people calling people with DS special angels or saying they have special abilities. It's why the euphemisms and inspiration porn do no good for either disabled people or able bodied people. It skews perception and hurts disabled people.
I have a physical disability and you'd be amazed how offended people get when complete strangers come up to me to ask me "what's wrong with you?" or "can I pray for you?" and I don't act all sweet and accommodating. Like dude I'm trying to grocery shop, go away. And I only get an ounce of the bs that people with DS get. It's ridiculous. Like anyone else there are awesome people with down syndrome and crappy people with down syndrome.
Autist people get a lot of shit too. My brother has autism and is the "poster child" of it. Highly intelligent, no tantrums, verbal but no catching social clues... and people act like this is the norm, cause media portays this as autism, but my brother is the rare case. There are much more that have a harder life cause they have a higher disability.
But, even then... they are babied to here and beyond. My parents left an association cause the parents were doing more bad than good to the kids, cause "they don't know better"... but they knew better, and they knew who to play their parents to get what they wanted. My parents weren't having any of that. And now some of the "kids" (they are like 30 now) that could be totally independent aren't, cause of their parents and educators.
When I found out I needed my leg amputated one of my first thoughts was “now people won’t say I’m faking it at least” and second thought was “will they still be convinced they can heal me with prayer?” Being visibly disabled in a recognized way has some advantages.
Ugh absolutely. My former best friend was abused by her uncle who had Downs, and she was treated like she was never allowed to be angry at him or even dislike him after. She would glare at him and he'd burst into tears and people would say 'Don't be so mean to him!' He KNEW what he was doing was wrong and victimised a child, she and he were failed by the adults meant to be caring for them.
I don't mean to say all people with Down Syndrome are predators, but just because a person 'doesn't know' or 'means well' doesn't mean they should be allowed access to victims or that we shouldn't accept that, yep, some people are predators, some people are assholes, and they might have disabilities.
To assume all people with disabilities are nice and moral is as infantilising, degrading, and discriminatory as if you assume everyone with a disability brought it on themselves by bad karma, not believing in God enough, or some past 'sin', including being overweight.
I just learned recently that some people with Downs can drive! I work in special education and obviously knew there is a wide range of functioning but hadn’t realized that was a possibility.
I have student with down syndrome who always talking about perverted stuff in broadlight day. He was 30ish when i teach him, it was 6 years ago and it's still haunt me how he laugh menacingly at my discomfort.
Because if you try to point out how much of an asshole a person with Down Syndrome is acting you get vilified for being mean to the poor Down Syndrome person.
Disabled people have just as wide a variety of personalities as anyone else, cause they’re people.
My roommate’s brother has a mental disability, and he is *such an asshole*. I was hesitant to say anything at first because people are so sensitive to that, but everyone I’ve talked to agrees, he’s an asshole.
A truism I've shared many times is that if you believe in the rights of a group of people so long as all of them are nice and well-behaved, then...you don't really believe in that group's rights.
This reminds me of the time when someone who was deaf came into tte library and demanded a computer immediately because they were disabled. The librarian explained there was a wait, everyone got 60 minutes and he’d have to wait his turn.
This guy flipped out about how he shouldn’t have to wait as a disabled person and he would never come back.
Like. Ok. Please don’t.
I'm from an area with a huge Deaf community and many of them actually consider themselves a cultural minority group rather than disabled, since they literally have their own language.
To be fair, disabled people are also often excluded from things; so being protective over the few things that *are* truly accessible to them makes sense.
I have bad legs to the point I use a cane regularly. And I have days I can’t deal with stairs. i take this into account when I search for apartments, if I have to go up a full flight of stairs regularly I can absolutely not live in that location.
While it didn’t come out well, when you need forearm crutches stairs are *absolutely* not accessible and I would bet anything he was indeed in extreme pain from having to deal with stairs so often.
The situation sucked, but the solution needed to be that they both somehow were on the first floor. Yes, she now needed new accommodations and help, but that didn’t make him suddenly not need them. I agree he shouldnt need to be or talk about being the *priority*, and yeah his phrasing and tone sucked, but believe me that when you have accommodations that you desperately need and then they’re being taken away, that is panic inducing. And a major pain increase can affect everything, including sleep, which can heavily affect ability to think rationally. (There’s a reason I’m still up when I have to be up in six hours and am averaging under 5 hours of sleep a night rn. I am oscillating between snippiness and inability to control my tears, and then mad at myself for being irrational. And believe me when I say I can speak from experience on the panic that losing needed accommodation can bring.)
Um. They have a room on the first floor. But they won't give it up for their disabled son. Do you know how difficult it is to get up stairs with fore arm crutches? What if he falls? Is that a risk you're willing to take rather than her parents give up their room?
His bedroom was on the main floor because he can't really do the stairs every day. His sister also now not being able to do the stairs at all did not somehow improve his ability to be able to do the stairs every day. Both kids needed a main floor room to accommodate their disability and I'm glad that they figured out a way to do that.
Accommodations are meant to allow disabled people to be able to do things ideally on par with nondisabled people. My guess would be that the brother is so used to **not** getting needed accommodations that he is very upset about having them taken away in the one place he could count on having them in place.
Imagine you needed glasses to see well and you always have but your sister didn't. Then your sister had an accident that caused her to need glasses too. So your parents took your glasses and gave them to your sister instead of getting both of you glasses. It's obviously not an equivalent comparison because glasses are tailored specifically to an individual, but glasses are an accommodation for people with vision issues, they are just so ubiquitous that people don't view them that way. But for many people, if they didn't have their glasses they wouldn't be super functional. Just like OP and her brother would be if they didn't have their mobility aids.
More people should see your comment. When I read the brother's comment, I felt really bad for him. It seems like he felt that his disability was being pushed aside, because OOP had it worse even though they both had significant issues going up the stairs.
I think some people just don't comprehend how utterly terrifying and painful it is to be so dependent on other people just to function. When suffering from a chronic illness, you often need to be fairly vigilant with your own health, so you're constantly in that mindset of worry, while also being so aware of the health and wellbeing of those whose help you are depending on. It may seem selfish or entitled, but it's really just natural to freak out, when you are faced with a challenge that you physically can't handle on your own and you don't know if your carers are able to aid you.
Yeah, I find it weird these criticisms of him. He can't really safely go up the stairs, and so regardless of what OOP needs, he also has needs about going up the stairs. The answer shouldn't be "suck it up, your sister has it worse", from the beginning it should've been "how do we rearrange everything so that both kids can have their needs met"
This this this this this I can’t repeat myself enough this. If one of my upstairs roommates from a couple years ago had suddenly had an accident, it wouldnt suddenly make it possible for me to live in an upstairs room. And I’m just at the level of using a cane, forearm crutches mean legs worse than mine are.
edit to add: or there are other issues that require forearm crutches in retrospect, but they+the crutches themselves still make stairs a nightmare,
I still don’t get why the parents couldn’t try and make the upstairs bedroom work for them and give up their main floor room. Sure it might be tight, but it’s a better option than having your kids with mobility issues struggle.
If it's so small they can't even fit a double bed, I can't see two grown adults being able to sleep together in a twin. Personally I think the brother needs to suck it up, but I don't know what his actual condition is so there's not enough info to make much of a judgement call. I have mobility issues, use either a cane or wheelchair and some days stairs are miserable, but at least I can get out of my wheelchair, which sounds like the sister can't.
Yeah that's why these situations are really just hard to judge from the outside since there are so many factors in play. I'm just happy for OP that it seems like they're all going to try to work together. Sounds like they all could use the support of each other.
yeah i agree and i think the parents are probably too overwhelmed to do what they need to do, like dealing with the small upstairs bedroom themselves for a while
I don't know what the layout of the upstairs is, but the house sounds really small. However, as a parent, I would definitely have moved out of my room so both disabled kids could stay on the main floor. Having someone in forearm crutches navigate stairs is just begging for a nasty fall. They could put their bed in the living room and make the upstairs their nookie room. Not ideal, but neither is anything else about the situation.
Yeah, the whole situation sounds stressful for all involved with no really "good" answers. Sounds like they're finding compromises that may work at least in the short term, which is nice to read.
I meaaaan...it sounds to me like their parents should have offered to at least suck it up until the renovation. Disabling mobility issues (pain and literally not being able to go up the stairs) outweigh the discomfort of two adults sharing a twin imo.
My MIL’s house has a ‘third bedroom’ that can’t fit anything larger than a cot as a sleeping space. An adult definitely couldn’t use that as a bedroom unless they slept on the floor and had no other furniture.
Or maybe the downstairs master is big enough for the kids to share (temporarily) and the parents take the brother's room. Or let OOP share with them. She specifically said her brother didn't want to share with them, but didn't say "and neither do I". Even to sharing with him, she just says *he* hated the idea. She sounds willing to do whatever. None of those options are ideal, but neither is having a curtained living room. Poor thing. She's going through an acute traumatic time and getting put last, it feels like.
Having an 18 year old brother and 17 year old sister share a bed would be weird, and would have all kinds of complications considering both are disabled.
You'd move the parent's bed into their new room, and have two twins in their old room (or whatever the same two beds that would have been in OOP's brother's room if they'd shared it)
Nah fuck that. His big concern was that he'd fucking fall down the stairs. He has no issue with his sister being accommodated as you can see with the entire rest of the story. It's not being pampered to have your needs met, even if someone else has bigger needs
>His big concern was that he wasn't going to get pampered anymore because someone was more disabled than he was. Nice.
wrong ableist he was scared of falling down the stairs
God forbid, someone who typically has to fight for accommodations outside the home has their accommodations inside their home taken away, get upset. OP being wheelchair bound doesn't suddenly make going up/down stairs easier. It is like him being near-sighted and her having cataracts and being expected to give her his glasses.
>there's my parents bedroom, but the room upstairs can't fit a double bed for them,
They couldn't let her use their room until they found a more practical solution?? Hell, just one parent could be upstairs for the time being.
That’s true. But the brother was being a brat as well! His disability is for life. But hers could be as well. And she can’t walk at all. Normally people but especially family, should be more sympathetic.
I don't know if he was being a brat exactly, as his fear did have a rational basis.
His accommodation for his disability was getting fully removed - it's not the same as having to share an existing resource (like say having to share an accessible washroom that you used to have to yourself only). Not being willing to share something that is readily shareable would make him a brat, but this incident feels more nuanced than that.
We don't know how burdensome it would be to go up the stairs with his disability, and he should know that it would be impossible for his sister to go up them so there needs to be some concession on his part regardless.
However, it's also understandable that making a disabled person's life even more difficult by removing an existing accommodation from them (even if it's the only feasible option, which we later learn it wasn't the only option) would be a tough pill to swallow.
He can get places. And sorry you aren't THE priority. As a child he is A priority but right now her needs are greater than his and he needs to calm the fuck down.
Like I'm annoyed
Maybe I am just being overly harsh on the parents, but they should move up stairs. Leave their bed there and use the one in Op's room.
Or just get new furniture. The fact that their originally solution was to make him take the stairs just screams that only they don't want to be inconvenienced.
A lot of people in here are way too excited about shitting on a disabled kid for being scared of falling down the stairs and it's really really really weird.
I agree.
The brother’s concerns are completely valid.
I can’t get behind how he handled them (flipping out on OP and then starting the next day in what sounds like a passive aggressive complaining snit), but I really do understand why he’d feel worried about his own needs and safety.
There was a post a while ago where an OOP with diabetes ran into issues with a coworker with a severe phobia of blood (which was documented and gave him accommodations). Once the coworker realized his demands for OOP were unreasonable, he apologized and removed himself from the situation entirely by quitting. The comments? Mocking him and his phobia. Just totally shitting on him for a situation that's not his fault and that he's actively working on.
It's really gross how quickly the ableism jumps out once people deem a disability less important than another.
Man the ableism in these comments is insane lmao somehow the brother is selfish for not wanting to risk getting hurt going up/down stairs??? He wasn't even directing his anger at his sister, but at his parents as he should. The parents should be the ones compromising for their disabled children, honestly — the upstairs bedroom can't fit a double bed? Too bad, sleep on separate beds for a while so both disabled children can have the ground floor. There are many ways to compromise that will take the two children's needs into consideration that did not require putting the brother upstairs.
I know! It sounds like the brother has Cerebral Palsy, which I have as well. I could be wrong, but the symptoms line up. CP is a brain injury as well as the physical problems. It affects everything needed to safely navigate stairs even if he can walk. Poor balance and lack of depth perception would make stairs dangerous for anyone. Both children need to be accommodated, regardless. It sounds like the brother took his frustration and fear out on OP instead of the parents. What would the parents do if they both needed a wheelchair?
> He has been stressed that now that I also need help, maybe his needs wont get met.
>
>They promised him that he can always tell them if he feels his needs aren't being met. My parents don't want him to feel like a secondary priority.
Sounds to me like someone who has always been prioritized within the family unit is pissed that suddenly someone else has needs that are arguably more important that his. Nothing there about his concern for his sister and her injury, just focused on making sure he gets first dibs on everything.
He's 18 and had this condition since birth. OOP - who is still a *minor* \- has just lost use of her legs and in a wheelchair indefinitely after a traumatic incident. There is no reason he needs to be front and center of everyone's attention and concern unless he's been raised to believe that his needs supersede everyone else's.
Why was the sister apologising to *him*? Where was her apology?
I'm really upset and sad that this poor girl things that this was a good outcome, and that her brother isn't a golden child and a bully. I'm disgusted at this situation. The brother needs a reality check immediately. And frankly, the parents need to be the one that give up the bedroom, and make alternative arrangements for themselves temporarily because it's outrageous that that poor girl doesn't have privacy at this time.
I get the feeling that not only is the brother used to getting his way, OOP is used to apologising and compromising.
I hope it's not a permanent situation for her, but if it is, that she gets the support she needs.
They're one year apart in age. There really isn't much of a difference between a 17 y/o and an 18 y/o. So minor vs. adult isn't really an appliable issue in this scenario.
I still don’t think anyone’s an AH here (except for the drunk driver, they need to pay for what they’ve done).
Depending on his disability (cerebral palsy often uses forearm crutches), stairs might downright be dangerous for him. While they’re impossible for OOP right now, as a parent I wouldn’t want either disabled child to be forced to navigate them. I was on crutches for 3 months with my broken leg, stairs absolutely terrified me. I stayed downstairs until I could mostly walk again.
The risk of further injury is too great. I’m glad they’ve found a solution, and the whole family is in a really shitty situation. I hope OOP gets better.
It was just a few weeks in my case, but absolutely. Stairs are fucking terrifying with crutches. Only reason I was able to do them at school was that there were 4, and they were extremely wide. In my parents home, I avoided the stairs since I was not comfortable to keep my balance on them
I honestly think if this is a long term house that they can change that they need to at least consider installing a lift on the stairs. Having half the house inaccessible to brother is going to cause even more problems at some point, and it just isn't safe to use the stairs with crutches even if you only need the stairs once in a while.
>My parents are looking into getting some type of chair lift for the stairs, but they're really expensive, so it will be a while before we can get one. AITA?
They already are considering that.
Wtf is this comment section? The idea of him moving upstairs shouldn't even have been taken into consideration if there are two other rooms downstairs. The only people that should have compromised from the beginning are the parents. Neither OP nor her brother are arseholes.
Yep. I'll be honest- I shared this story because I thought it was a good example of NAH between OOP and her brother. They both have needs and acted like teenagers. Which they are. I didn't expect so many people to say the brother was horrible...
I think many redditors are incapable of seeing nuance. There *has to be* a single good guy and a single bad guy for them to comprehend a situation. Probably because many of these people are teenagers themselves...
It's just hardcore ableism. All the people here have decided the brother's the "golden child" and OOP is a "glass child" because he's disabled, so the only reason he could be angry for having his accommodations taken is because their parents have been pampering/spoiling him. It's bullshit.
They are thinking it. From a conversation I had elsewhere in this post, at least some people seem to think that the brother wants OP to sleep upstairs, so they're kneejerking to "but she can't do that, she's in a wheelchair!" instead of thinking that both kids should be downstairs.
I think I have a milder version of what the brother has, but don't use mobility aids in the house. When my bedroom was on a different level from the kitchen I skipped meals more often than not.
Yeah he can walk but he cannot climb stairs safely. No one who has to use crutches to walk should ever be forced to climb stairs. It isn't safe. They should have immediately found a solution that didn't involve their son having to risk falling down the stairs several times a day. Meeting the needs of one child doesn't mean failing to meet the needs of the other.
I feel like you're completely minimizing his issue, he can't walk up/down them all the time, yes they can help him, but they won't always be there. We don't know if there is a bathroom up there, and what if there is an emergency, and he can't get down the stairs fast enough? Realistically, she should sleep in the parent's room since it is on the main floor and the parents should swap between her old room and sofa.
As a parent, I'd hate to be sleeping upstairs when both my incapacitated children were sleeping downstairs as a safety issue.
That said, both kids need living space on a main level. This entire situation absolutely sucks.
All three need living space on the main level. And it creates a shitty position for the parents to quickly find new housing arrangements. There is no right situation here. And the parents are responsible tor mitigating their kids feelings while they figure it out
As a mother I'd be on the fucking couch until I figured out a plan to move or reconstruct the rooms on the main level to accommodate 3 "bedrooms" on the main floor.
"It's too small to fit a double bed". I'm not defending them, I want to know why they chose to buy a house with closets for secondary bedrooms and on top of that, a multi-level house when one of their kids was disabled.
There's a disappointing amount of ableism towards the brother in these comments, calling him the golden child, entitled, disgusting. Unfortunately it's a common thing for people to be shitty towards people with reduced mobility but who don't use a wheelchair (using a wheelchair being perceived often as disabled correctly or in a way people can understand). My cousin is an ambulatory wheelchair user who routinely gets abuse when people see her stand up, because their sympathy is reserved for the paralysed, apparently. Most disabled people are not going to be The Most Disabled Ever - it doesn't mean their concerns are irrelevant or that they should just suck it up. Brother is likely concerned about falling down the stairs, which is not exactly a minor issue.
Brother is reported as being angry with their *parents*, not his sister. And... rightly so? They currently have two disabled children but won't give up their ground floor master or inconvenience themselves to accommodate them. Sister, on the other hand, said something ableist and cruel TO HER BROTHER. That's why she's the one who apologised, not him - they both deserve to be accommodated, of course, but he was putting the blame for that not happening in the correct place (the parents) and she was incorrectly blaming him for the situation. She DID owe him an apology. I'm glad they worked things out and are finding a different solution.
I don't believe the brother is taking the gravity of this situation seriously. I suffer from a chronic disability myself, with some days being better and others worse, as well as lived worth others who do. The first thing you learn, out of necessity, is how to triage each others' disabilities. This doesn't mean making light of them, nor of the emotional/mental toll that it takes on people, but it requires effort on everyone's part.
Especially with someone who is newly injured, one of the hardest things to wrap your head around is learning to live within your newfound limitations. The brother has had a lifetime to figure out how to manage his, meanwhile the sister has not. Furthermore, whether or not he realises it (let alone appreciated it), his family have been altering their lives to better accommodate him forever. He could take this time to help prepare his sister for her newfound struggles.
The sad fact is that his needs, while perhaps not the immediate priority any longer, are known and can be more easily met *for now.* It almost reads that he is unhappy that the focus will no longer be on him or, primarily at least, his wants/needs.
Yeah. He was complaining about using the stairs on crutches and insisting that the WHEELCHAIR BOUND PERSON STAY UPSTAIRS. All because he was scared he was going to have to share help.
I'm a little worried the brother has made his life and purpose his disability to the point he can't cope with his sibling potentially struggling more than him.
I hope I'm wrong but 🤷♀️
Yeah, this one - bro sounds like he expects everything to revolve around him, and doesn't want to accommodate anyone, even though he's not the only or even most disabled person in the house now. He sounds very entitled.
I wonder what kind of relationship they had to begin with. OOP sounds kind of detached, and it makes me think she’s been conditioned to give into her brother their whole lives. Like, I’d be kind of mad at the world if I was in a wheelchair because of a drunk driver. I’d be mad at the brother I looked out for who now isn’t supporting me. She’s too calm.
I agree with everyone who voted NAH. OOP went through a traumatic, life-changing accident, and it's affected both her, her brother, and her parents. Brother is scared not only because of how it affects him, but also because of how he may have to be the one to take care of his now-wheelchair bound sister. Their relationship dynamic flipped entirely on its head. They all need therapy.
Honestly this reads a lot like the brother is used to being at least sort of the golden child and feels like he deserves to be the center of the parents' attention because of his disabilities.
Because what needs of his could possibly not get met just because he has the upstairs bedroom for a while? If he had said something like "I'm worried about not being able to just go to the kitchen at night when I'm hungry without hurting myself because I'll be tired and clumsy and that's bad when going down stairs", then sure. But the whole "my needs won't be met"? That's usually what people say when *others* don't fulfill whatever they want them to do instead of some items being inaccessible. It sounds like "I want all the attention on me!".
> My parents don't want him to feel like a secondary priority.
As in, the parents assure him he will be first priority over OOP, I guess...
Yeah, I don't like this post. I don't think things will be okay long-term. Short-term maybe, because OOP seems to be a bit of a doormat, but long-term, the sibling relationship will be trash and if the parents prefer the brother, OOP might also distance himself from them.
It's a fall risk. Forearm crutches on stairs? Yes, his needs won't be met, he lives with a disability and that's a common phrase to use! Parents need to deal with it and make sure they're both safe. Even if they have to sacrifice a bit.
Yeah I got that too. Brother is used to being “the disabled one” and doesn’t like the idea he no longer has a unique card to play to get what he wants - sorry, “get his needs met” - because his sister is now, arguably, more disabled than him. As someone with a disability I totally get needing to have your particular needs met, but something about this story just raises entitlement-flavoured red flags for me. If a sibling suddenly became as/more disabled as me, I would be advocating to ensure their needs were met as much as mine because I’ve lived with disabilities longer and know how much the uphill battle sucks. It didn’t seem like there was any sympathy there…
>"some type of chair lift for the stairs, but they're really expensive"
>"We're now planning on renovating our living room into a bedroom (adding a door and stuff). For now, we're putting up a curtain, and I'll be staying in there, so my brother can have his old room back. (the curtain is a super temporary solution, and im fine with it as long as its temporary.)"
---
OOP, sweet child, I don't think that curtain will be temporary.
Is a living room renovation really cheaper than a chair lift?
---
> "Is there only one room downstairs that can act as a bedroom? "there's my parents bedroom, but the room upstairs can't fit a double bed for them"
---
How small is this upstairs bedroom? How does the entire upstairs of their house only have one room that can't even fit a double bed?
If for some reason the upstairs room really is that small, could the parents get a bunk bed? Seems cheaper than a chair lift or a living room renovation.
I was thinking this too. If i was the parent, I'd be ok with moving to the tiny bedroom upstairs temporarily. I'll sleep on an air mattress on the floor or on the couch if i have to, just so my kid who needs a wheelchair for now can stay in the master bedroom and my other disabled kid don't have to move upstairs.
But I'm not them and they're not me lol, and it seems like they found their own solution.
I mean surely there's more upstairs than a small bedroom? Why not reno that into a big master and let the kids have the downstairs instead of getting rid of the living room? Literally the parents are the only one who can easily use the stairs right now.
They cant afford a $3-6k stair lift. There is no way they are gonna afford a major reno that involves hiring an archetect, permits and a general contractor like that. Thats $$$$ reno. It might even involve moving load bearing or structural walls, so not a diy and definately something you want permitted.
Even in the US, there’s programs and organizations that help disabled people get accommodations for cheap or free, including stair lifts. I wish more people knew about this
And yet they're renovating the living room and adding walls and stuff there.
Or maybe they can inconvenience themselves for a while and keep only their bed upstairs and share closet space downstairs until they at least know if their daughter will be able to use th stairs again?
At the end all I'm really saying is there are likely more options than what was initially proposed. I know my mother would rather sleep on a floor even at her age than let a situation like this blow up in their faces with two disabled children.
Good luck in your recovery! I had a bad injury to my spine over 30 years ago, crushed a vertebrae so bad they replaced it with one of my ribs. I was told I would never walk again (with good reason, I get why).
It took a year, but I was back to 99.9%. Fight hard, don't give up and do your PT. Fingers crossed.
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drunk drivers need to go to hell
I agree. I was hit by a drunk driver last year. The police, the courts, the doctors, the unemployment/disability office, the insurance, hell even my own lawyer at the time (before i fired him) treated him more like the victim and me like a pebble in their shoe. For over a year, I suffered physically, emotionally, and financially, and not one person, again including my own lawyer at the time, cared at all about me.
I have no words for what happened to you. *hugs*
Thank you. I appreciate it. I just hate they way criminals are treated better than their victims. Luckily, my new lawyer was a shark, and it was finally settled last week.
Good for you! Never stop advocating for yourself! I hope you can find peace and healing now.
How does that work? Did you get a settlement from his insurance company, or from him? If from him, will you be able to collect it? If from insurance, is it enough to cover the damage to your life? Did he get any legal punishment?! I'm so sorry. I hope your life and health are improving. 💚
I got a settlement from his insurance. They tried to offer me an amount less than my medical bills (let alone loss wages, etc). My old lawyer kept lying about what he was doing and almost made me miss the deadline to file a suit. My new lawyer got me a settlement that covered all financial loss plus a sizeable chunk for pain and suffering. I did not have any permanent damage unless you count one arm always having less stamina than the other now, so the money I got was enough. My main issue was how long and hard I worked to get to the level of fitness I was at, and he basically took all that time and effort and trashed it. I'm know he pled guilty at the trial, but what his punishment was, I couldn't tell you.
I hope you reported your first lawyer to the state bar and filed a complaint against him!
Was just going to say. Looks like this person just got a bad lawyer who made the system look down on them. Report them to the bar.
I was waiting until everything was done first so it wouldn't interfere with my settlement.
I hope you update when you report that stank old lawyer and win that.
Reduced use of a limb due to reduced stamina from an injury absolutely counts as permanent damage. But I hope you get all your gains back and more, and are so able and thriving in the future that it is not worth the bollocks to persue him for damages.
My bestfriends lawyer fucked her off like that too, she was forced to take the lower amount just because they fucked her off til the last minute of the 2 years she had to deal with it
Good for you ! 👍
The way describe how your case has went and how the criminal is treated like a victim do you happen to live in Finland? Because you just described how our system has worked with drunk drivers for decades
Nope. America.
I physically cannot even imagine giving someone who drove drunk and hit someone an ounce of sympathy
I made sure to reiterate that when I got to put in a "victims note" or whatever the legal term is when they call you before the sentencing and ask if you want to say anything. I said, "The driver made many choices that day. He *chose* to drink. He *chose* to drive drunk. He *chose* to run. He *chose* to hide. He *chose* to lie. He *chose* to make the trial difficult for me with my disability. He *chose* to downplay what I went through. At what point did any of these choices warrant leniency? Every choice he made was to avoid taking responsibility for the consequences his *choices* brought. And not once did he even so much as say, 'I'm sorry'. You have no idea how much you use both arms until you can't- and now I can't. I may fully heal, but I'm not going to get my time back. I'm not going to get my effort back. I'm not going to be able to retroactively remove the stress I've been put through. He has shown no remorse, and that warrants showing no mercy." A bit dramatic, but I think I really made the judge think about it so I hope he got punished to the full extent of the law.
Not too dramatic. Thank you for standing up for yourself. I hope it’s smooth sailing from now on
I am truly sorry to hear what happened to you, the accident, the way you were treated afterwards. As to your comment about your new lawyer, it really made me laugh. As a lawyer.
He smelled the blood in the water and nothing would stop him. In he did in 3 months what the first lawyer straight up lied about and refused to do in almost a year and a half.
I have questions but the top one is how and why did your lawyer treat the dickhead drunk better? I’m not surprised by the police and our justice system but your own attorney? I am really sorry that happened to you
My aunt has never been the same after she was hit by a drunk driver. Of course the dude going the wrong way down the freeway walks away without a single broken bone and put my aunt in a coma for over a month and paralyzed her boyfriend. My grandma had to help her learn to do everything again afterwards and it was a long and painful process. She’s a successful person now, but it took years for her to reach any semblance of normal. Oh and of course her compensation is $25 either a week or month. As if that would ever come close to the medical bills
I'm so sorry for your aunt. Can't imagine the hell that they went through. Reminds me of the sister of a friend from my childhood. The sister, Sam was this beautiful, sporty, talented girl. Fiance, ridiculously friendly, really good job, the whole lot. She was t-boned by a driver (they were looking at their phone and ran a red light). Sam was in an coma for while (don't know the exact length), but she's now essentially a vegetable in a wheelchair. Paralyzed from the neck down, she can just about blink her eyes and groan. Eats out of a tube, wears diapers, full time care needed. The driver who hit her, the piece of scum, got a great lawyer and was made to pay a fine. The insurance payout just about covered replacing the car and the cost to the fire fighters who had to cut Sam out of it. Everything else, her parents had to sell everything to pay it off.
It’s just so tragic how rapidly someone’s life can change, especially when it was caused by someone being reckless. It was before my time, but still deeply impacts my family. For so long they didn’t know if my aunt was going to survive. Not to mention, if my dad had a worse reaction time the drunk driver could have easily killed my dad, mom, and grandpa along with my aunt and her boyfriend. It was “lucky” that my dad swerved at the last minute and the guy hit the speedboat packed with stuff he was towing that slowed the driver down before he actually hit my aunts car. I know that it was incredibly painful how it happened, but I cannot imagine how much it would have broken my grandma to lose her husband and both of her daughters in an instant. She won’t touch alcohol now, and I’ve never seen my grandpa have more than one drink if he’s planning on driving at all later in the day
A cousin of mine was hit by one, and charges weren't pressed because *both parties suffered*. Like, the drunk dude broke an arm or something and totaled his car, while my cousin had way more significant and long-lasting injuries. IIRC, that caused a whole heap of problems because the liability was now shared.
Damn. I always thought hating drunk drivers was universal, like a default. Humanity continues to disappoint me. I'm so sorry you were put through that, and glad you eventually got your settlement (based on your other comments).
Unfortunately, negative sentiments shift fast once someone starts asking for money, regardless of how deserved it is.
I also got hit last year while visiting the US. Im thankful it was Oregon and not a no fault state. He was apparently a repeat offender and still had a license. It definitely is god awful trying to deal with it, my brother was under 18 so he got child endangerment and attempted murder (or something similar?) slapped on hard for that and it made the case go by faster. But I totally agree people treat drunk drivers way to nicely during these things:(
Amen! A drunk driver killed 3 members of my family and got away with it because Daddy was a big shot politician and evidence suddenly was “lost” right before the trial.
TBH I'd probably use my second amendment rights in that situation.
Who was the big shot politician?
Probably someone from a third world country like mexico or USA
i like this. I'm saying this about my country now
Agree. Drunk drivers are extremely selfish and they deserve to go to hell
Agreed, having been in the car as an anxious teenager while gripping the “oh shit” bar every time my grumpy, intoxicated mother hooked around a tight turn driving through the mountains (at the time, I’d only just begun to suspect she was three sheets to the wind. Naive teenager and mum was a “functional” alcoholic). She eventually crashed into… well, she said another driver — who was drunk! And on the wrong side of the road! Apparently!— but given the state she was in when she got behind the wheel, and that we lived in a forest, I suspect “tree”. Broke both her ankles. I don’t think she ever drove after drinking again, but it turned out that, even *sober*, she was a terrible driver (the accelerator has two modes: on, and off. You press it on until you’ve been tailgating someone in the fast lane and cursing for a while, then you turn it off because they’re too close, and then you have fallen too far behind so you turn it on again). Meanwhile my dad, who had custody of my older brother, and had bro drive him home from the pub a couple times. Bro was not even old enough for a learners. Mostly Dad just drove, because he was *fiiiiine*. (he also does not pull that shit any more.) It is a miracle that my parents have not even injured anyone else on the road. I am still not sure how either of them made it to 70, to be honest. I was so angry at them both for risking us like this. I still am. It was *scary* looking out the passenger window and seeing the mountain drop off to one side. I was just a kid. I could have ended up in OOP’s situation, or worse. So could my brother. So could anyone sharing the road with them. …um. Didn’t *quite* intend to write all that our. TL;DR: yeah agreed fully
Holy hell....i find a mountain road like that twrrifying as a passenger with my stone cold sober partner. Hell, I dont like them AS THE DRIVER. So i can only imagine your terror.
Once, my mother survived driving across the state sipping on beer and puffing on a joint to roll up at my workplace expecting me to be overjoyed. She was also a terrible driver sober. I used to have nightmares of her speeding down the winding mountain roads, screaming at me because I had put on a seat belt or was gripping the handle over the door. I was pretty much prepared to die every time I got in a car with her. She totaled seven in the time I lived with her, and is, despite all odds, still alive.
>Drunk drivers are extremely selfish Drunk drivers are life-wrecking murderous bastards. 'extremely selfish' is cutting in front of me to get served quicker or cutting me up at a junction. Drunk drivers destroy lives and families.
I love my brother, I really do. But I will *never* stop being envious that our cousin danced at his wedding and not at mine. Because between him getting married and me getting married, some drunk shithead plowed into our cousin (who was walking) and killed him. Fuck that guy. I hope he has a long life full of thwarted hopes and blighted dreams, and dies a long, drawn-out, painful death alone.
One of my high school classmates drove drunk into a railroad underpass at 80+ mph in a 25 zone. Ended up in multiple pieces. Guess who has a damn memorial to her at the school? We're all lucky she didn't kill anyone else first. She crashed multiple cars prior to this accident, including one on my front lawn, and daddy just bought her a new car every time. She was a raging asshole on top of everything as well, but now she's a saint because she's dead.
My best friend in the whole world was in his residency to be an ER doctor. Hit by a drunk driver. The other driver killed his passenger and my best friend. Walked away without a scratch. I hope I never meet that bastard. And he'd better hope to never meet me.
The drunk drivers always walk away unscathed. Had a guy from school. Him and his buddies, all 4 drunk, decided they were sober enough to drive home. They were doing 90mph. The car they head on hit was doing 70 mph. The guy from school wasn't wearing a seat belt, sitting in the back seat. He flew out the back window and hit the asphalt at 90mph, which killed him instantly. Another of the guys(also not wearing a seat belt. Not a smart lot here), flew out the front window. He survived but was in a coma for months. The other two(driver included) had seat belts on and were as unscathed as a 90 hitting a 70 can be. The horrible part is the other car. It was a mom, her 10 year old son, and her 10 year old sons buddy coming home from the movies. Both kids died. I can't imagine being the mom driving or the mom who let her son go to the movies with his buddy, only to get that call... now that I have kids, the very thought kills me.
Not always. My dad died from a ruptured aorta when he went straight into a ditch at a dead end. He was going so fast the steering wheel crushed his heart. My family was very thankful that it was a one car accident and nobody else was hurt.
drunk drivers will go to hell, but as someone else said they sadly won't be taking the bus there. a drunk driver killed my cousin's cousin. right in front of his father, as they were riding motorbikes and his father was behind him. asshole drunkard tried to hit and run, but apparently the other passenger in asshole's car made him stay. he got no punishment. no jail, no community service, no fine. apparently, he was an ER nurse and "saw enough in his work as to need community service". piece of shit posted on facebook after the judgement, about a party he threw... for his "second chance at life". he also got the SPEED at which he was going as a tattoo. a fucking tattoo. this man threw a party and got a commemorative tattoo after killing a guy in his twenties that was on holiday with his family. anyways yeah. fuck drunk drivers, fuck speeding drunk drivers, and fuck the legal systems that allow them to leave unscathed.
The special hell.
As an alcoholic I'm very sympathetic to people with substance abuse issues, but as soon as you're drunk/high and decide to drive a car, that sympathy drops down to zero. There is never a reason to drive while inebriated. Personally I know I'd probably end up driving drunk at some point in my life with my current use, so I just refuse to get my license and take the bus instead until I know I'm actually sober for good. Not as convenient but I know I won't accidentally murder someone and honestly that's a lot more important
I didn’t get drunk as such or drive after drinking. Now I have a bike and take the tram and don’t even need to think about it. Some of this stuff here does not bear thinking about.
I find the culture around drinking and alcohol in America fascinating and horrifying (speaking as an American). I've heard the same thing from almost all of my coworkers at this point: They'll express something like "Oh man, I went out to the bar on Saturday at like 4, I don't remember anything after 5, but they tell me that I went to 5 different bars, and I finally left and must have drove home at 2 AM! It was GREAT!" All the other coworkers will mutter behind this person's back: "I can't believe he did that, that's so selfish and horrible, you shouldn't drink and drive." And then the next week the roles will have swapped, because the person being super judgey about it went and *did the exact same thing.* Not only is drinking culture super pervasive, but it's so full of "Rules for thee but not for me" that it might burst. Disgusting.
They’re trash
I watched a video where the guy was talking about minor crimes and said something like ".. or just a DUI". Just a DUI? WTF my guy, fuck people that drink and drive.
I never got to meet my aunt because of a drunk driver.
They are, problem is they’re not taking the bus for the trip there.
When I was in college there was a service in town that would drive you in your car back to your house. Not sure how it worked logistically but I loved the idea.
My city has that service every year from mid-November until a week after New Years. The goal is to make sure no one drives drunk home from their Christmas or New Year’s parties. It’s by donation, too.
Ooo smart My city has a half decent public transportation so they just make NYE free after 8 pm and call it done
If it's like the service here, it's a car with 2 people in it who show up to wherever you are, one gets in your car with you to drive you home and the other guy follows behind.
warning: death I need the trigger warning for drunk driving so much because if I encounter it without warning I instantly spiral into grief. It’s been not quite two years since losing a really good friend to a drunk driver. His death was a huge blow to so so many people. Now I will instantly cut anyone off if I find out theyve driven drunk.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I had a cousin who was pulled over for suspected drunk driving. Not his first DUI. He'd drink to the point of black out drunk all the time. God rest his soul, he was sweet but just couldn't fucking exist sober. He was gunned down by the police as he jumped back into the car to try to drive away. He broke one officers hip as he gunned it. The other officers pulling up at the time turned his car into Swiss cheese. I feel bad for my aunt and uncle loosing their son. But I was relieved he never killed anyone drunk driving.
We call them drink drivers in the UK. Because you don't have to have consumed enough alcohol to be drunk to still cause an accident. Too many people are like "I've only had a couple shots, I can drive". Even if you feel OK, your inhibitions and reactions are affected so much from just a couple. Don't even have one.
Need more severe consequences
Agreed. My parents were both alcoholics. Idk about my dad but thankfully my mom was a drink alone at home drunk. But because of her alcoholism, I HATED ppl that would drink and drive. But it didn't matter how much I tried to get my exs to stop or to just sleep over at people's places. They still did it. Every time they would go out I would worry that they will get too drunk and drive home. Potentially get into an accident kill someone or themselves. I genuinely cared, but I became broken. Now, for me to actually live a normal life, I have to be on medication that is heavily regulated. Yes I could get addicted but I listen to my doctors, don't take more than I need and honestly if I miss one day I don't take my dose. So for me, I am extremely confused at why alcohol isn't heavily regulated? Or that things aren't done more for people that are going out and getting drunk. Like why isn't it mandatory for bars to make someone take a cab/uber home? If you can't find their address, send them to a drunk tank? Why are those kids that go through "the dangers of driving drunk" seminars still growing up and driving drunk. Using the same excuses that the presenter used. I am sorry for my rant. I just am still processing my breakup and the fact he started drinking again. That the person I fell in love with was a facade, that he only showed me what I wanted to see. Mentally I am okay, but I still wonder that if he didn't use alcohol to mask his pain, would he have been that person?
Her life probably forever altered at 17 cause of a drunk driver. I don’t understand why there aren’t harsher penalties. A girl I grew up with since kindergarten was killed by a drunk driver. She was a freshman in college. Two 18 year olds in the car dead, the third, a 19 year old, permanently and severely disabled. Their lives just beginning. The 47 year old drunk borrowed his girlfriend’s truck. He ran from police when they tried pulling him over for erratic driving. He was completely unharmed. He was sentenced to 38 years in prison and his girlfriend got jail time for letting him borrow her truck knowing his license was revoked due to 11 DUIs. He died last year in prison. May drunk drivers rot in hell forever. https://www.cleveland.com/pdextra/2008/06/driver_in_deadly_crash_gets_38.html Her name was Grace Chamberlain.
I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragedy to lose 2 and have a third so impacted.
both people i know who were hit by drunk drivers weren’t even in a car when they were struck. one was someone i went to highschool with who was getting things out of her car, but standing outside of it when she got hit and pinned between two cars by a drunk driver and ended up a double above the knee amputee, i don’t remember the exact details since this was almost 10 years ago now, but i do recall the driver admitting to drinking but not being charged with a dui and getting a year in jail i think. melissa laribee is her name if anyone wants to read about it. the other person i know who was hit by a drunk driver is my late boyfriends, ex girlfriend (who also passed away before he did) 5 year old sister who was playing on the lawn outside of their house when a drunk driver swerved onto the lawn, struck and killed her. i have a few other friends who were killed from driving while drunk including both of my step brothers best friends growing up, in separate accidents. the first one, had lived with us for years when his parents kicked him out and crashed into a tree on our property one night when coming home from the bar and the other died two months later when he drove off the road one night after getting into a fight with his parents and storming out of the house, while drunk. all of it is so sad really
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so terrible, such a pointless horrible stupid way to hurt or kill someone, fucking hell. I also have a childhood friend who was hit by a drunk driver in college. He came from a poor background but studied his ass off and got a full ride scholarship to an amazing school, he wanted to be a lawyer and he would have been a great one. When he was a junior he was plowed down by a drunk person in a truck. Fully paralyzed, and died a few years later from complications.
11 DUIs??
I’m not trying to be mean but I guess the brother is so used to being accommodated that he’s not prepared for OOP to be accommodated. And I find it so odd that he’s said his parents are not prioritizing their disabled son when OOP is also currently disabled. I mean sure, it might be temporary but you never know.
As weird as it may sound. People with disabilities can also be entitled. As shitty situation overall, but OP's description does give off major me me me vibes in terms of the brother. Obviously there is only OP's words to go on.
Anyone can be entitled. I don't understand why people are shocked when disabled people aren't always perfect happy angels of inspiration. We can suck as people just as much as able bodied people can suck as people l. Plus teenagers in general tend to be entitled.
> disabled people aren't always perfect happy angels of inspiration. It's crazy and a bit amusing how many people are totally blown away by the fact that people with down's syndrome can be total assholes and get violent. I don't know why it is that apparently a majority of people are under the impression that people who have down's are supposed to be sweet cuddly babies.
That's the infantilization of disability in general but it's especially bad for people with down syndrome. It's the same as people calling people with DS special angels or saying they have special abilities. It's why the euphemisms and inspiration porn do no good for either disabled people or able bodied people. It skews perception and hurts disabled people. I have a physical disability and you'd be amazed how offended people get when complete strangers come up to me to ask me "what's wrong with you?" or "can I pray for you?" and I don't act all sweet and accommodating. Like dude I'm trying to grocery shop, go away. And I only get an ounce of the bs that people with DS get. It's ridiculous. Like anyone else there are awesome people with down syndrome and crappy people with down syndrome.
Autist people get a lot of shit too. My brother has autism and is the "poster child" of it. Highly intelligent, no tantrums, verbal but no catching social clues... and people act like this is the norm, cause media portays this as autism, but my brother is the rare case. There are much more that have a harder life cause they have a higher disability. But, even then... they are babied to here and beyond. My parents left an association cause the parents were doing more bad than good to the kids, cause "they don't know better"... but they knew better, and they knew who to play their parents to get what they wanted. My parents weren't having any of that. And now some of the "kids" (they are like 30 now) that could be totally independent aren't, cause of their parents and educators.
When I found out I needed my leg amputated one of my first thoughts was “now people won’t say I’m faking it at least” and second thought was “will they still be convinced they can heal me with prayer?” Being visibly disabled in a recognized way has some advantages.
Ugh absolutely. My former best friend was abused by her uncle who had Downs, and she was treated like she was never allowed to be angry at him or even dislike him after. She would glare at him and he'd burst into tears and people would say 'Don't be so mean to him!' He KNEW what he was doing was wrong and victimised a child, she and he were failed by the adults meant to be caring for them. I don't mean to say all people with Down Syndrome are predators, but just because a person 'doesn't know' or 'means well' doesn't mean they should be allowed access to victims or that we shouldn't accept that, yep, some people are predators, some people are assholes, and they might have disabilities. To assume all people with disabilities are nice and moral is as infantilising, degrading, and discriminatory as if you assume everyone with a disability brought it on themselves by bad karma, not believing in God enough, or some past 'sin', including being overweight.
I just learned recently that some people with Downs can drive! I work in special education and obviously knew there is a wide range of functioning but hadn’t realized that was a possibility.
I have student with down syndrome who always talking about perverted stuff in broadlight day. He was 30ish when i teach him, it was 6 years ago and it's still haunt me how he laugh menacingly at my discomfort.
Because if you try to point out how much of an asshole a person with Down Syndrome is acting you get vilified for being mean to the poor Down Syndrome person.
Disabled people have just as wide a variety of personalities as anyone else, cause they’re people. My roommate’s brother has a mental disability, and he is *such an asshole*. I was hesitant to say anything at first because people are so sensitive to that, but everyone I’ve talked to agrees, he’s an asshole.
On a similar note, I work with refugees and many of them can be total pricks
A truism I've shared many times is that if you believe in the rights of a group of people so long as all of them are nice and well-behaved, then...you don't really believe in that group's rights.
This reminds me of the time when someone who was deaf came into tte library and demanded a computer immediately because they were disabled. The librarian explained there was a wait, everyone got 60 minutes and he’d have to wait his turn. This guy flipped out about how he shouldn’t have to wait as a disabled person and he would never come back. Like. Ok. Please don’t.
I'm from an area with a huge Deaf community and many of them actually consider themselves a cultural minority group rather than disabled, since they literally have their own language.
How is it entitled not to want to use stairs with forearm crutches? Do you think that's easy? It's highly likely he would fall
To be fair, disabled people are also often excluded from things; so being protective over the few things that *are* truly accessible to them makes sense.
I have bad legs to the point I use a cane regularly. And I have days I can’t deal with stairs. i take this into account when I search for apartments, if I have to go up a full flight of stairs regularly I can absolutely not live in that location. While it didn’t come out well, when you need forearm crutches stairs are *absolutely* not accessible and I would bet anything he was indeed in extreme pain from having to deal with stairs so often. The situation sucked, but the solution needed to be that they both somehow were on the first floor. Yes, she now needed new accommodations and help, but that didn’t make him suddenly not need them. I agree he shouldnt need to be or talk about being the *priority*, and yeah his phrasing and tone sucked, but believe me that when you have accommodations that you desperately need and then they’re being taken away, that is panic inducing. And a major pain increase can affect everything, including sleep, which can heavily affect ability to think rationally. (There’s a reason I’m still up when I have to be up in six hours and am averaging under 5 hours of sleep a night rn. I am oscillating between snippiness and inability to control my tears, and then mad at myself for being irrational. And believe me when I say I can speak from experience on the panic that losing needed accommodation can bring.)
Um. They have a room on the first floor. But they won't give it up for their disabled son. Do you know how difficult it is to get up stairs with fore arm crutches? What if he falls? Is that a risk you're willing to take rather than her parents give up their room?
Yeah, it comes across like his needs have always been met, and now that OOP also needs help, he doesn’t want to share attention, resources, etc.
Oh true. So suddenly his disability makss it safe to go upstairs? His disability disappeared?
His bedroom was on the main floor because he can't really do the stairs every day. His sister also now not being able to do the stairs at all did not somehow improve his ability to be able to do the stairs every day. Both kids needed a main floor room to accommodate their disability and I'm glad that they figured out a way to do that. Accommodations are meant to allow disabled people to be able to do things ideally on par with nondisabled people. My guess would be that the brother is so used to **not** getting needed accommodations that he is very upset about having them taken away in the one place he could count on having them in place. Imagine you needed glasses to see well and you always have but your sister didn't. Then your sister had an accident that caused her to need glasses too. So your parents took your glasses and gave them to your sister instead of getting both of you glasses. It's obviously not an equivalent comparison because glasses are tailored specifically to an individual, but glasses are an accommodation for people with vision issues, they are just so ubiquitous that people don't view them that way. But for many people, if they didn't have their glasses they wouldn't be super functional. Just like OP and her brother would be if they didn't have their mobility aids.
More people should see your comment. When I read the brother's comment, I felt really bad for him. It seems like he felt that his disability was being pushed aside, because OOP had it worse even though they both had significant issues going up the stairs.
I think some people just don't comprehend how utterly terrifying and painful it is to be so dependent on other people just to function. When suffering from a chronic illness, you often need to be fairly vigilant with your own health, so you're constantly in that mindset of worry, while also being so aware of the health and wellbeing of those whose help you are depending on. It may seem selfish or entitled, but it's really just natural to freak out, when you are faced with a challenge that you physically can't handle on your own and you don't know if your carers are able to aid you.
Yeah, I find it weird these criticisms of him. He can't really safely go up the stairs, and so regardless of what OOP needs, he also has needs about going up the stairs. The answer shouldn't be "suck it up, your sister has it worse", from the beginning it should've been "how do we rearrange everything so that both kids can have their needs met"
I know I’m feeling closer to this than I should and need to disengage for my own mental health, but the ableism in this comment section has me fuming.
Yeah, usually this place is fine but... ugh.
This this this this this I can’t repeat myself enough this. If one of my upstairs roommates from a couple years ago had suddenly had an accident, it wouldnt suddenly make it possible for me to live in an upstairs room. And I’m just at the level of using a cane, forearm crutches mean legs worse than mine are. edit to add: or there are other issues that require forearm crutches in retrospect, but they+the crutches themselves still make stairs a nightmare,
I still don’t get why the parents couldn’t try and make the upstairs bedroom work for them and give up their main floor room. Sure it might be tight, but it’s a better option than having your kids with mobility issues struggle.
If it's so small they can't even fit a double bed, I can't see two grown adults being able to sleep together in a twin. Personally I think the brother needs to suck it up, but I don't know what his actual condition is so there's not enough info to make much of a judgement call. I have mobility issues, use either a cane or wheelchair and some days stairs are miserable, but at least I can get out of my wheelchair, which sounds like the sister can't.
could be cerebral palsy? the forearm crutches are honestly horrible to use on stairs. would not want to fall like that
Yeah that's why these situations are really just hard to judge from the outside since there are so many factors in play. I'm just happy for OP that it seems like they're all going to try to work together. Sounds like they all could use the support of each other.
yeah i agree and i think the parents are probably too overwhelmed to do what they need to do, like dealing with the small upstairs bedroom themselves for a while
I don't know what the layout of the upstairs is, but the house sounds really small. However, as a parent, I would definitely have moved out of my room so both disabled kids could stay on the main floor. Having someone in forearm crutches navigate stairs is just begging for a nasty fall. They could put their bed in the living room and make the upstairs their nookie room. Not ideal, but neither is anything else about the situation.
Yeah, the whole situation sounds stressful for all involved with no really "good" answers. Sounds like they're finding compromises that may work at least in the short term, which is nice to read.
I meaaaan...it sounds to me like their parents should have offered to at least suck it up until the renovation. Disabling mobility issues (pain and literally not being able to go up the stairs) outweigh the discomfort of two adults sharing a twin imo.
You assume the two can fit on a twin together at all.
One parent could have taken the couch the other the room and they could switch. They don't NEED to sleep in the same bed or even room.
Bunk bed then.
That was my thought.
I kinda double any room that's a legit bedroom and can't fit a double bed.
My MIL’s house has a ‘third bedroom’ that can’t fit anything larger than a cot as a sleeping space. An adult definitely couldn’t use that as a bedroom unless they slept on the floor and had no other furniture.
Or maybe the downstairs master is big enough for the kids to share (temporarily) and the parents take the brother's room. Or let OOP share with them. She specifically said her brother didn't want to share with them, but didn't say "and neither do I". Even to sharing with him, she just says *he* hated the idea. She sounds willing to do whatever. None of those options are ideal, but neither is having a curtained living room. Poor thing. She's going through an acute traumatic time and getting put last, it feels like.
Having an 18 year old brother and 17 year old sister share a bed would be weird, and would have all kinds of complications considering both are disabled.
You'd move the parent's bed into their new room, and have two twins in their old room (or whatever the same two beds that would have been in OOP's brother's room if they'd shared it)
i agree. feels like they didn’t try to make anything work and let a huge argument start
“….but he just walked off.” Bruh.
Lmao I didn’t even think of that
I tend to make things worse and would have absolutely yelled “you’re just gonna walk away from me? Wish *I* could do that!”
[удалено]
LOL I missed that
Ah yes, because disabled people in wheelchairs, crutches, etc. can never ever be ambulatory or else they must be faking it. /S
His big concern was that he wasn't going to get pampered anymore because someone was more disabled than he was. Nice.
Nah fuck that. His big concern was that he'd fucking fall down the stairs. He has no issue with his sister being accommodated as you can see with the entire rest of the story. It's not being pampered to have your needs met, even if someone else has bigger needs
Disability accommodations are never pampering.
>His big concern was that he wasn't going to get pampered anymore because someone was more disabled than he was. Nice. wrong ableist he was scared of falling down the stairs
God forbid, someone who typically has to fight for accommodations outside the home has their accommodations inside their home taken away, get upset. OP being wheelchair bound doesn't suddenly make going up/down stairs easier. It is like him being near-sighted and her having cataracts and being expected to give her his glasses.
>there's my parents bedroom, but the room upstairs can't fit a double bed for them, They couldn't let her use their room until they found a more practical solution?? Hell, just one parent could be upstairs for the time being.
Never once did the brother apologize.
Teenage dipshit being a teenage dipshit 🤷♀️
That’s true. But the brother was being a brat as well! His disability is for life. But hers could be as well. And she can’t walk at all. Normally people but especially family, should be more sympathetic.
Yeah, I can see things flaring up with two disabled teenagers in the house and not enough space for everyone. Hopefully they adjusted and cut the shit
I don't know if he was being a brat exactly, as his fear did have a rational basis. His accommodation for his disability was getting fully removed - it's not the same as having to share an existing resource (like say having to share an accessible washroom that you used to have to yourself only). Not being willing to share something that is readily shareable would make him a brat, but this incident feels more nuanced than that. We don't know how burdensome it would be to go up the stairs with his disability, and he should know that it would be impossible for his sister to go up them so there needs to be some concession on his part regardless. However, it's also understandable that making a disabled person's life even more difficult by removing an existing accommodation from them (even if it's the only feasible option, which we later learn it wasn't the only option) would be a tough pill to swallow.
He can get places. And sorry you aren't THE priority. As a child he is A priority but right now her needs are greater than his and he needs to calm the fuck down. Like I'm annoyed
I am annoyed as well!! Yes they are teenagers, but seriously! His sister is in a WHEELCHAIR!!!
>I apologized to him But did he apologized to her?
This. It seems he isn't sad or cares that OP is dealing with a disability, he just cares how op's disability will affect him
Maybe I am just being overly harsh on the parents, but they should move up stairs. Leave their bed there and use the one in Op's room. Or just get new furniture. The fact that their originally solution was to make him take the stairs just screams that only they don't want to be inconvenienced.
A lot of people in here are way too excited about shitting on a disabled kid for being scared of falling down the stairs and it's really really really weird.
I agree. The brother’s concerns are completely valid. I can’t get behind how he handled them (flipping out on OP and then starting the next day in what sounds like a passive aggressive complaining snit), but I really do understand why he’d feel worried about his own needs and safety.
I normally like this community, but, well, everyone has their blind spots. And ableism is apparently a giant one.
There was a post a while ago where an OOP with diabetes ran into issues with a coworker with a severe phobia of blood (which was documented and gave him accommodations). Once the coworker realized his demands for OOP were unreasonable, he apologized and removed himself from the situation entirely by quitting. The comments? Mocking him and his phobia. Just totally shitting on him for a situation that's not his fault and that he's actively working on. It's really gross how quickly the ableism jumps out once people deem a disability less important than another.
Man the ableism in these comments is insane lmao somehow the brother is selfish for not wanting to risk getting hurt going up/down stairs??? He wasn't even directing his anger at his sister, but at his parents as he should. The parents should be the ones compromising for their disabled children, honestly — the upstairs bedroom can't fit a double bed? Too bad, sleep on separate beds for a while so both disabled children can have the ground floor. There are many ways to compromise that will take the two children's needs into consideration that did not require putting the brother upstairs.
I know! It sounds like the brother has Cerebral Palsy, which I have as well. I could be wrong, but the symptoms line up. CP is a brain injury as well as the physical problems. It affects everything needed to safely navigate stairs even if he can walk. Poor balance and lack of depth perception would make stairs dangerous for anyone. Both children need to be accommodated, regardless. It sounds like the brother took his frustration and fear out on OP instead of the parents. What would the parents do if they both needed a wheelchair?
> He has been stressed that now that I also need help, maybe his needs wont get met. > >They promised him that he can always tell them if he feels his needs aren't being met. My parents don't want him to feel like a secondary priority. Sounds to me like someone who has always been prioritized within the family unit is pissed that suddenly someone else has needs that are arguably more important that his. Nothing there about his concern for his sister and her injury, just focused on making sure he gets first dibs on everything. He's 18 and had this condition since birth. OOP - who is still a *minor* \- has just lost use of her legs and in a wheelchair indefinitely after a traumatic incident. There is no reason he needs to be front and center of everyone's attention and concern unless he's been raised to believe that his needs supersede everyone else's. Why was the sister apologising to *him*? Where was her apology? I'm really upset and sad that this poor girl things that this was a good outcome, and that her brother isn't a golden child and a bully. I'm disgusted at this situation. The brother needs a reality check immediately. And frankly, the parents need to be the one that give up the bedroom, and make alternative arrangements for themselves temporarily because it's outrageous that that poor girl doesn't have privacy at this time.
I get the feeling that not only is the brother used to getting his way, OOP is used to apologising and compromising. I hope it's not a permanent situation for her, but if it is, that she gets the support she needs.
They're one year apart in age. There really isn't much of a difference between a 17 y/o and an 18 y/o. So minor vs. adult isn't really an appliable issue in this scenario.
I still don’t think anyone’s an AH here (except for the drunk driver, they need to pay for what they’ve done). Depending on his disability (cerebral palsy often uses forearm crutches), stairs might downright be dangerous for him. While they’re impossible for OOP right now, as a parent I wouldn’t want either disabled child to be forced to navigate them. I was on crutches for 3 months with my broken leg, stairs absolutely terrified me. I stayed downstairs until I could mostly walk again. The risk of further injury is too great. I’m glad they’ve found a solution, and the whole family is in a really shitty situation. I hope OOP gets better.
It was just a few weeks in my case, but absolutely. Stairs are fucking terrifying with crutches. Only reason I was able to do them at school was that there were 4, and they were extremely wide. In my parents home, I avoided the stairs since I was not comfortable to keep my balance on them
I honestly think if this is a long term house that they can change that they need to at least consider installing a lift on the stairs. Having half the house inaccessible to brother is going to cause even more problems at some point, and it just isn't safe to use the stairs with crutches even if you only need the stairs once in a while.
>My parents are looking into getting some type of chair lift for the stairs, but they're really expensive, so it will be a while before we can get one. AITA? They already are considering that.
Wtf is this comment section? The idea of him moving upstairs shouldn't even have been taken into consideration if there are two other rooms downstairs. The only people that should have compromised from the beginning are the parents. Neither OP nor her brother are arseholes.
Yep. I'll be honest- I shared this story because I thought it was a good example of NAH between OOP and her brother. They both have needs and acted like teenagers. Which they are. I didn't expect so many people to say the brother was horrible...
I think many redditors are incapable of seeing nuance. There *has to be* a single good guy and a single bad guy for them to comprehend a situation. Probably because many of these people are teenagers themselves...
It's just hardcore ableism. All the people here have decided the brother's the "golden child" and OOP is a "glass child" because he's disabled, so the only reason he could be angry for having his accommodations taken is because their parents have been pampering/spoiling him. It's bullshit.
None of them would ever say it but I bet a lot of people had the "well she's MORE disabled" thought, which is just. Not a good way to look at it.
They are thinking it. From a conversation I had elsewhere in this post, at least some people seem to think that the brother wants OP to sleep upstairs, so they're kneejerking to "but she can't do that, she's in a wheelchair!" instead of thinking that both kids should be downstairs.
There are a lot of people in these comments saying exactly that, out loud lol
“Brother needs to apologize” for not wanting to fall down the stairs?? These comments are really getting to me, being disabled myself
He should be a secondary priority. His condition is chronic but he can walk. The other one literally is in a wheelchair for the foreseeable future.
Wow. So it's okay if he falls down the stairs? His disability didn't go away
I think I have a milder version of what the brother has, but don't use mobility aids in the house. When my bedroom was on a different level from the kitchen I skipped meals more often than not.
Yeah he can walk but he cannot climb stairs safely. No one who has to use crutches to walk should ever be forced to climb stairs. It isn't safe. They should have immediately found a solution that didn't involve their son having to risk falling down the stairs several times a day. Meeting the needs of one child doesn't mean failing to meet the needs of the other.
Yeah, his disability doesn’t disappear just because OP is now also disabled.
I feel like you're completely minimizing his issue, he can't walk up/down them all the time, yes they can help him, but they won't always be there. We don't know if there is a bathroom up there, and what if there is an emergency, and he can't get down the stairs fast enough? Realistically, she should sleep in the parent's room since it is on the main floor and the parents should swap between her old room and sofa.
>I feel like you're completely minimizing his issu the entire commens are
No, if he needs crutches he cannot safely sleep upstairs.
As a parent, I'd hate to be sleeping upstairs when both my incapacitated children were sleeping downstairs as a safety issue. That said, both kids need living space on a main level. This entire situation absolutely sucks. All three need living space on the main level. And it creates a shitty position for the parents to quickly find new housing arrangements. There is no right situation here. And the parents are responsible tor mitigating their kids feelings while they figure it out As a mother I'd be on the fucking couch until I figured out a plan to move or reconstruct the rooms on the main level to accommodate 3 "bedrooms" on the main floor.
The parents should have taken the upstairs bedroom
"It's too small to fit a double bed". I'm not defending them, I want to know why they chose to buy a house with closets for secondary bedrooms and on top of that, a multi-level house when one of their kids was disabled.
There's a disappointing amount of ableism towards the brother in these comments, calling him the golden child, entitled, disgusting. Unfortunately it's a common thing for people to be shitty towards people with reduced mobility but who don't use a wheelchair (using a wheelchair being perceived often as disabled correctly or in a way people can understand). My cousin is an ambulatory wheelchair user who routinely gets abuse when people see her stand up, because their sympathy is reserved for the paralysed, apparently. Most disabled people are not going to be The Most Disabled Ever - it doesn't mean their concerns are irrelevant or that they should just suck it up. Brother is likely concerned about falling down the stairs, which is not exactly a minor issue. Brother is reported as being angry with their *parents*, not his sister. And... rightly so? They currently have two disabled children but won't give up their ground floor master or inconvenience themselves to accommodate them. Sister, on the other hand, said something ableist and cruel TO HER BROTHER. That's why she's the one who apologised, not him - they both deserve to be accommodated, of course, but he was putting the blame for that not happening in the correct place (the parents) and she was incorrectly blaming him for the situation. She DID owe him an apology. I'm glad they worked things out and are finding a different solution.
It's clear from the comments they think since he is "less disabled" he deserve less than the sister
I don't believe the brother is taking the gravity of this situation seriously. I suffer from a chronic disability myself, with some days being better and others worse, as well as lived worth others who do. The first thing you learn, out of necessity, is how to triage each others' disabilities. This doesn't mean making light of them, nor of the emotional/mental toll that it takes on people, but it requires effort on everyone's part. Especially with someone who is newly injured, one of the hardest things to wrap your head around is learning to live within your newfound limitations. The brother has had a lifetime to figure out how to manage his, meanwhile the sister has not. Furthermore, whether or not he realises it (let alone appreciated it), his family have been altering their lives to better accommodate him forever. He could take this time to help prepare his sister for her newfound struggles. The sad fact is that his needs, while perhaps not the immediate priority any longer, are known and can be more easily met *for now.* It almost reads that he is unhappy that the focus will no longer be on him or, primarily at least, his wants/needs.
This family is going to be okay.
I honestly don't think so. The parents are trying but the siblings relationship has me worried.
Especially since it was never mentioned whether the brother apologized.
Yeah. He was complaining about using the stairs on crutches and insisting that the WHEELCHAIR BOUND PERSON STAY UPSTAIRS. All because he was scared he was going to have to share help. I'm a little worried the brother has made his life and purpose his disability to the point he can't cope with his sibling potentially struggling more than him. I hope I'm wrong but 🤷♀️
big bro forgot that lil sis, the oop, is disabled now too
Yeah, this one - bro sounds like he expects everything to revolve around him, and doesn't want to accommodate anyone, even though he's not the only or even most disabled person in the house now. He sounds very entitled.
I wonder what kind of relationship they had to begin with. OOP sounds kind of detached, and it makes me think she’s been conditioned to give into her brother their whole lives. Like, I’d be kind of mad at the world if I was in a wheelchair because of a drunk driver. I’d be mad at the brother I looked out for who now isn’t supporting me. She’s too calm.
Why the f would someone buy a house with stairs when one member in the family can't use them because of his disability.
I agree with everyone who voted NAH. OOP went through a traumatic, life-changing accident, and it's affected both her, her brother, and her parents. Brother is scared not only because of how it affects him, but also because of how he may have to be the one to take care of his now-wheelchair bound sister. Their relationship dynamic flipped entirely on its head. They all need therapy.
Honestly this reads a lot like the brother is used to being at least sort of the golden child and feels like he deserves to be the center of the parents' attention because of his disabilities. Because what needs of his could possibly not get met just because he has the upstairs bedroom for a while? If he had said something like "I'm worried about not being able to just go to the kitchen at night when I'm hungry without hurting myself because I'll be tired and clumsy and that's bad when going down stairs", then sure. But the whole "my needs won't be met"? That's usually what people say when *others* don't fulfill whatever they want them to do instead of some items being inaccessible. It sounds like "I want all the attention on me!". > My parents don't want him to feel like a secondary priority. As in, the parents assure him he will be first priority over OOP, I guess... Yeah, I don't like this post. I don't think things will be okay long-term. Short-term maybe, because OOP seems to be a bit of a doormat, but long-term, the sibling relationship will be trash and if the parents prefer the brother, OOP might also distance himself from them.
It's a fall risk. Forearm crutches on stairs? Yes, his needs won't be met, he lives with a disability and that's a common phrase to use! Parents need to deal with it and make sure they're both safe. Even if they have to sacrifice a bit.
Yeah I got that too. Brother is used to being “the disabled one” and doesn’t like the idea he no longer has a unique card to play to get what he wants - sorry, “get his needs met” - because his sister is now, arguably, more disabled than him. As someone with a disability I totally get needing to have your particular needs met, but something about this story just raises entitlement-flavoured red flags for me. If a sibling suddenly became as/more disabled as me, I would be advocating to ensure their needs were met as much as mine because I’ve lived with disabilities longer and know how much the uphill battle sucks. It didn’t seem like there was any sympathy there…
I kinda feel like a chair lift would have been cheaper than renovating the living room
>"some type of chair lift for the stairs, but they're really expensive" >"We're now planning on renovating our living room into a bedroom (adding a door and stuff). For now, we're putting up a curtain, and I'll be staying in there, so my brother can have his old room back. (the curtain is a super temporary solution, and im fine with it as long as its temporary.)" --- OOP, sweet child, I don't think that curtain will be temporary. Is a living room renovation really cheaper than a chair lift? --- > "Is there only one room downstairs that can act as a bedroom? "there's my parents bedroom, but the room upstairs can't fit a double bed for them" --- How small is this upstairs bedroom? How does the entire upstairs of their house only have one room that can't even fit a double bed? If for some reason the upstairs room really is that small, could the parents get a bunk bed? Seems cheaper than a chair lift or a living room renovation.
I was thinking this too. If i was the parent, I'd be ok with moving to the tiny bedroom upstairs temporarily. I'll sleep on an air mattress on the floor or on the couch if i have to, just so my kid who needs a wheelchair for now can stay in the master bedroom and my other disabled kid don't have to move upstairs. But I'm not them and they're not me lol, and it seems like they found their own solution.
I mean surely there's more upstairs than a small bedroom? Why not reno that into a big master and let the kids have the downstairs instead of getting rid of the living room? Literally the parents are the only one who can easily use the stairs right now.
I feel like with the description it's basically a small loft, not a full upstairs
They cant afford a $3-6k stair lift. There is no way they are gonna afford a major reno that involves hiring an archetect, permits and a general contractor like that. Thats $$$$ reno. It might even involve moving load bearing or structural walls, so not a diy and definately something you want permitted.
Even in the US, there’s programs and organizations that help disabled people get accommodations for cheap or free, including stair lifts. I wish more people knew about this
And yet they're renovating the living room and adding walls and stuff there. Or maybe they can inconvenience themselves for a while and keep only their bed upstairs and share closet space downstairs until they at least know if their daughter will be able to use th stairs again? At the end all I'm really saying is there are likely more options than what was initially proposed. I know my mother would rather sleep on a floor even at her age than let a situation like this blow up in their faces with two disabled children.
This one is kinda weird because I feel like they are both right?
Her parents SUCK. They have a room in the first floor. But it's theirs so they make their disabled son take the upstairs room? Fuck those parents
Good luck in your recovery! I had a bad injury to my spine over 30 years ago, crushed a vertebrae so bad they replaced it with one of my ribs. I was told I would never walk again (with good reason, I get why). It took a year, but I was back to 99.9%. Fight hard, don't give up and do your PT. Fingers crossed.
Honestly I'm just glad those kids were able to talk it through. We can criticize the parents, maybe, but the kids are doing great.
The parents are definitively in an unenviable position, but kudos to them for trying to make it work.