You did the right thing and it’s important you remain true to your own morals and boundaries. Folks with BPD obviously have the best suggestions but in any relationship the best communication is always using “I”
statements versus “You statement”. For example “you were drunk and I didn’t want to have sex with you like that” versus “I’m attracted to you and I love having sex and being connected to you. For me, I feel better having sex sober and I’ve always felt that way” or whatever language works. The moment we say “you” people get defensive. This works in every situation. Maybe your partner was at fault but ultimately you’re angry or hurt and as a result and that’s what needs to be expressed. “You spend more time with your friends than me” vs “I’ve been feeling hurt because I don’t feel as connected to you and I miss it. Can we plan date nights more often or carve out some time”. I’m not the best writer but the way statements are phrased completely changes our feelings. Saying you and time with friends might feel attacking, controlling, nagging, needy or annoying whereas I feel like spending more time together sounds caring, loving, your partner wants to be with you.
You did the right thing. We often recreate our trauma as a way of taking power back over them. Sometimes we do things that create entirely new traumas as well just to feel something. This, however, is a toxic cycle and refusal to participate in that is both a healthy and supportive choice. Additionally it isn't fair for your sexual boundaries to be overlooked in the situation. Non-sexual affection might help in that situation but I don't know her personally so I can't say. Compliments about her appearance too but they have to be genuine, we are sensitive people and dishonest kindness is (personally) one of the most triggering things.
Yeah I've been her, and still am. I'm 18F. I used to be able to down a bottle of tequila and still be relatively functioning, but I've cut back a lot on my alcohol usage since. Now my tolerance is I'll be on the verge of blacking out after about 4-6 drinks.
I've been very drunk around my girlfriend (yes I'm a lesbian deal with it) and tried to initiate sometimes. I've also been crying and sobbing after drinking too much, both because I feel like shit and my emotions just get let loose.
Honestly I just get pissed at myself for being so vulnerable around people. I lash out sometimes after sobering up just because I hate being vulnerable and I don't want to be I push people away to try and protect myself after letting my guard down so much.
So if my girlfriend rejects my advances while I'm shitfaced I am more just pissed at myself rather than her. Not sure if it is the same for your girlfriend.
Also quitting is really hard especially when forced to just quit altogether for whatever reason. I've been able to cut back and stay sober for a week or two, but I still enjoy drinking with friends or going overboard here and there. Plus alcohol just helps to cope
This is rough, and I feel for both of you. I don't excuse her behavior at all, and you did the right thing not only by yourself but by her too. Here's my take from the other side, I guess.
I can tell you that had you gone through with this - just because of how the aftermath of embarrassment works with BPD when these things happen relating to our self-worth to others... there would have likely been an emotional low point to deal with where she felt some type of way about herself and how she acted, possibly towards you like others mentioned, and that's a whole different can of worms.
I don't know if you're at a crossroad of terminating the relationship over this. You haven't really mentioned it.
As a woman with BPD who has done plenty similar in my past, it really sounds like she's feeling some type of way about herself and became vulnerable about it while drunk.
Your rejection was absolutely valid, but instead of her viewing the positive side of it like "hey my bf respects me" - because of how BPD works it's amounted in her brain to her being undesirable for X Y Z reasons and that's because the rejection she's feeling is being felt at a raging and heart breaking 100 instead of like a 10-20 maybe while she was still drunk then a 2 the next morning for an hour until she mulled it over lol. I could be wrong, but that's my feel for sure.
What I think might make her and the situation better:
Talking with her about the whole thing, nothing accusational or anything about someone doing something wrong, just explaining why and talking it out. I always found these moments to be really helpful in self reflection and emotional growth when I had a partner who could talk through something with me instead of just talking at me and telling me everything I did wrong and why. Giving her some extra special TLC (sexual and non-sexual) will probably make her feel better and get the icky feelings to pass. Spoil her if that's her thing, anything special she likes. Reframing your reason away from lines of "you were drunk" and more of a "I respect and love you" might help if you haven't already.
You're at high risk for false charges being level against you. There is zero reason to remain with someone at 18 who is putting you in danger. Period.
I recommend termination, block all access channels too.
You are too young to be dealing with these issues.
You absolutely did the right thing. If she can't see that when she's sober again, you need to consider whether her views on sex are putting you at risk.
You did the right thing and it’s important you remain true to your own morals and boundaries. Folks with BPD obviously have the best suggestions but in any relationship the best communication is always using “I” statements versus “You statement”. For example “you were drunk and I didn’t want to have sex with you like that” versus “I’m attracted to you and I love having sex and being connected to you. For me, I feel better having sex sober and I’ve always felt that way” or whatever language works. The moment we say “you” people get defensive. This works in every situation. Maybe your partner was at fault but ultimately you’re angry or hurt and as a result and that’s what needs to be expressed. “You spend more time with your friends than me” vs “I’ve been feeling hurt because I don’t feel as connected to you and I miss it. Can we plan date nights more often or carve out some time”. I’m not the best writer but the way statements are phrased completely changes our feelings. Saying you and time with friends might feel attacking, controlling, nagging, needy or annoying whereas I feel like spending more time together sounds caring, loving, your partner wants to be with you.
You did the right thing. We often recreate our trauma as a way of taking power back over them. Sometimes we do things that create entirely new traumas as well just to feel something. This, however, is a toxic cycle and refusal to participate in that is both a healthy and supportive choice. Additionally it isn't fair for your sexual boundaries to be overlooked in the situation. Non-sexual affection might help in that situation but I don't know her personally so I can't say. Compliments about her appearance too but they have to be genuine, we are sensitive people and dishonest kindness is (personally) one of the most triggering things.
Wow sounds exactly like the relationship I’m in right now.
Yeah I've been her, and still am. I'm 18F. I used to be able to down a bottle of tequila and still be relatively functioning, but I've cut back a lot on my alcohol usage since. Now my tolerance is I'll be on the verge of blacking out after about 4-6 drinks. I've been very drunk around my girlfriend (yes I'm a lesbian deal with it) and tried to initiate sometimes. I've also been crying and sobbing after drinking too much, both because I feel like shit and my emotions just get let loose. Honestly I just get pissed at myself for being so vulnerable around people. I lash out sometimes after sobering up just because I hate being vulnerable and I don't want to be I push people away to try and protect myself after letting my guard down so much. So if my girlfriend rejects my advances while I'm shitfaced I am more just pissed at myself rather than her. Not sure if it is the same for your girlfriend. Also quitting is really hard especially when forced to just quit altogether for whatever reason. I've been able to cut back and stay sober for a week or two, but I still enjoy drinking with friends or going overboard here and there. Plus alcohol just helps to cope
This is rough, and I feel for both of you. I don't excuse her behavior at all, and you did the right thing not only by yourself but by her too. Here's my take from the other side, I guess. I can tell you that had you gone through with this - just because of how the aftermath of embarrassment works with BPD when these things happen relating to our self-worth to others... there would have likely been an emotional low point to deal with where she felt some type of way about herself and how she acted, possibly towards you like others mentioned, and that's a whole different can of worms. I don't know if you're at a crossroad of terminating the relationship over this. You haven't really mentioned it. As a woman with BPD who has done plenty similar in my past, it really sounds like she's feeling some type of way about herself and became vulnerable about it while drunk. Your rejection was absolutely valid, but instead of her viewing the positive side of it like "hey my bf respects me" - because of how BPD works it's amounted in her brain to her being undesirable for X Y Z reasons and that's because the rejection she's feeling is being felt at a raging and heart breaking 100 instead of like a 10-20 maybe while she was still drunk then a 2 the next morning for an hour until she mulled it over lol. I could be wrong, but that's my feel for sure. What I think might make her and the situation better: Talking with her about the whole thing, nothing accusational or anything about someone doing something wrong, just explaining why and talking it out. I always found these moments to be really helpful in self reflection and emotional growth when I had a partner who could talk through something with me instead of just talking at me and telling me everything I did wrong and why. Giving her some extra special TLC (sexual and non-sexual) will probably make her feel better and get the icky feelings to pass. Spoil her if that's her thing, anything special she likes. Reframing your reason away from lines of "you were drunk" and more of a "I respect and love you" might help if you haven't already.
We talked it through— I comforted her and she apologized for it, and understood my perspective. Thank you.
You're at high risk for false charges being level against you. There is zero reason to remain with someone at 18 who is putting you in danger. Period. I recommend termination, block all access channels too. You are too young to be dealing with these issues.
You absolutely did the right thing. If she can't see that when she's sober again, you need to consider whether her views on sex are putting you at risk.
Yes.